The Dr. John Delony Show - My Wife Is Overwhelmed and I Feel Useless

Episode Date: October 17, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: A man struggling to support his overwhelmed stay-at-home wife A couple eager to reconnect with the world after a long-term illness A father wondering how to be a less reactive parent Next Steps:  📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message.  📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life  📝 Anxiety Test   📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch    Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.    Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights  🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My wife is a stay-at-home mom. When I get home, I try to help my wife out as much as I can. But sometimes when I do try to help out, she turns me down and just pushes me away from trying to help her. I guess my first question, whenever I talk to guys who want to help at home, is does anybody want and or need your help? What's going on? what's going on good people this is john dr john deloney's show taking your calls on everything going on in your life your relationships your kids your marriages your mental and emotional health if you want to be on this show go to john deloney dot com slash ask and fill out the form i'd love to have you on let's go out to austin texas to the

five one two and talk to anthony what's up anthony hey how's it going dr john good brother what's up man Well, just real quick, I've got a question for you. My wife is a stay-at-home mom of two little girls. We've got one that's four and one that's eight months old. And I am working. So when I get home, right now I'm driving an hour away to work. So then when I get home, you know, I know that she's overwhelmed with an eight-month-old who's teething. and a four-year-old, you know, just being a four-year-old, she's excited, she's happy,

she's great, but, you know, she can be overwhelming sometimes. And just when I get home, I try to help my wife out as much as I can because I know that, you know, her being a stay-at-home mom is a very important and important job. And I know it's probably more work than a lot of us do in our lives than, than we all would like to admit. And so I try to help out as much as I can, but sometimes when I do try to help out, she just turns me down or like shuts me down

and just kind of pushes me away from me trying to help her. So my question is, in what ways can I try to help her? That's a great question, man. And kudos to you for being a dad who wants to be plugged in. That's awesome. and a husband who wants to be plugged in. I guess my first question, whenever I talk to guys who want to help at home

is, does anybody want and or need your help? Or for most men, help is the only way we've ever been socialized to have permission to be in relationship with somebody. Meaning, our just being is never enough. The thought of coming in and just holding one of the kids or wrestling with the four-year-old

or just sitting with wife and chip chatting while she goes on doing whatever she was already doing. We're not allowed to do that. We have to be doing a thing so that we have some sort of utility so that we have any value or permission to be in any room whatsoever.

So my question to you is, are you feeling a sense of purposelessness or like they don't even need me around here? Or are you watching your wife crumble around you and she feels guilty and doesn't want to ask you for support or maybe a combination of all of that? I think it's a little bit of a combination of all of that plus a little bit of background.

I was raised by my mother and she was raised by her father. So when it comes to like our mentality, I say unfortunately, but I've got a very feminine mentality, I guess you can say, and then she's got a very masculine mentality because of just by who we were raised by. So tell me what that means in real life. So let's say like emotionally, if we're in an argument or I'm the one who shuts down and I'm the one who takes everything to heart rather than, you know, like, sounds wrong, but you know, like a girl would, like a woman would, where they would take things to heart more than, you know, trying to logically do things. And I can't say I am a very logical person as it is, but I still have kind of a very, I guess, I want to say feminine mentality. But when I do try to come in and help and she turns me down, I get really butt hurt. And I know that we've had, conversations before where she's just like it really makes me upset when i do when you know you ask me to for she says when i ask her that i want to help her and i shut her down and i'm just

standing there kind of staring at her and she's just all like it really makes me upset when you just stand there and stare at me and i'm just like i just want to help but i don't know what to help with how I can help in a in a helpful way, I guess you can say. Yeah. Because I want to take things off her plate because I know at home, and then also another factor on top of it, we aren't living in our own place.

Right now, we're living with my mom. We, and we, I've graduated school in May, so we moved in with my mom because we were, while I was looking for a job, and there was a possibility that we were, going to be moving from Austin to like Dallas or Houston or somewhere. So we're like, well, let's get out of our apartment. Let's go live with my mom for a little while and see where it takes us. And then we will move out of there to wherever we move. And in sense of doing that,

my wife also has a sense of, what's the word, pressure to be a certain kind of mom. or a certain kind of wife. Yes. Because she's around my mom and stepdad. So. Yes. Okay. So here's a couple of important things.

Number one, starting effective immediately, starting today. These stories that you're telling yourself about feminine and masculine energies and all that, that nonsense is gone. Okay. Okay. Because it's clouding. Listen, dude. Like, men feel things and women feel things. and some men shut down and some women go out swinging that's not a definition of masculine or feminine

energy okay so that's just a story that you've told yourself that story ends today because it's it's prohibiting you from being the person that you want to be inside your own house because you're couching it in as that something is wrong with you or it's some kind of not normal thing it's very normal okay what you just explained to me is a thing i hear from fathers over and over and over and over again regardless of who they're raised by okay the second thing is you've identified a key issue which is your wife is trying to create a home in a home that is not her home right and so that usually stems from a there's just the the geography right she's literally living in somebody else's home but my guess is y'all haven't cleared the deck and i say this all the time that y'all are in a

perfect season right now to leave the the the four-year-old leave the eight-month-old for half of a morning and y'all go somewhere and exhale and remember that you like each other and then say out loud we have a brand new marriage we have a new kid i've graduated i want us to get out of my mom's house you want us to get out of our mom's house we get to create a brand new marriage starting right now what do we want this thing to look like and more importantly what do we want it to feel like what does peace look like for us and i can't think of anything more exhausting than being a stay-at-home mom alone loneliness is the killer right yes And when you're lonely and you're performing, dude, forget it, man.

That's, that's, when you're trying to sing and dance and in front of a stage, like for your, her mother-in-law and some father-in-law, right? I mean, that's so much, so much. And so backing all the way out and saying, okay, what kind of world do we want to co-create? And there's a math problem to this. How quickly can we get into an apartment? How quickly can we get into our own place? are you stable in your new job? This is going to be where we are.

And I just moved a family member into Austin. It's expensive, but there's some cool places. And prices are falling quickly in Austin, too, by the way. Like, is there a place where we can start settling up and begin to create the home that we want to create? And by the way, what are two or three mornings a week you can get away? And we're going to put some money on the table so we have a babysitter or we've got a mother's day out.

We've got something so that you can get some adult grown-up women friends because this is a very lonely endeavor. You get what I'm saying? Yeah. You can try to solve this piece by piece by piece and you're going to, y'all are going to end up just burning each other at both ends. Versus clearing the deck and say, dude, we made it.

I graduated, we sucked it up and we lived with my mom to save some cash. You're an amazing mom. I'm doing the best I can as a dad. Let's control, all delete. Where do we want our lives to go from here forward? and you'll have this conversation again when first kid goes to school and you'll have this conversation when second kid goes to school well that's that's another thing that's on top of that she we're wanting to

homeschool so on top of being a stay-at-home mom and everything else she's also trying to our four-year-olds starting preschool this year so she's also trying to homeschool on top of that so I know she's got a lot on our plate and she's such an amazing woman, an amazing mom, that for her to even want to do this. And I know I've been asked, you know, does she want to be a stay-at-home mom? Yes, this

has been her dream. She's been telling me about this since high school. We were high school sweethearts. So she's been telling me this since high school that she's wanted to be a mom, and this is what she wants to do. So I wanted to give her that by me going to work and her getting to stay home.

And I know on top of everything else, I had a heart transplant two years ago so I know things have been even harder so there's a lot there and getting away from the kids for half of a morning or for a whole day would be even better okay because you literally have a hey I'm still

alive we made it and often couples will find themselves still in fight or flight for something that happened two three years ago the NICUS day the sudden mom got cancer The husband needs a new heart for God's sake, right? And we can really, really want things,

but we don't always get them right this second, meaning, hey, it's going to take us two years to get where we can fully start the homeschool and have our own place and be totally ready to go. So what if we've started right now planning? kids going to go to preschool, kids going to go to kindergarten, at a public school,

at a local little Christian school, whatever you want to do, and then starting in first grade, we're going to have saved up enough margin, we're going to have our own place, you're going to have been able to exhale, you're not going to have an eight-month-old that is just a bundle of nerves

that just wants to eat and scream and poop and sleep on repeat, right? I'm going to be settled in my job. We're going to be in a different universe then. instead of we have to do it all right the second and i want to stay at home but so i have to do this stuff i got a new heart but you get what i'm saying it just becomes the expectations of each other starts to pile up and i don't want to change the story i've been saying this since i was in high school but i don't even know if i want to do this anymore but i have to do it and he

let's clear the deck hold each other's hands across the table and say dude i'm so glad i married you still like you, let's build a new marriage starting today. What does that look like? Who do we want to be? And I like couples to look five years out. I know that's ridiculous because who knows what the world's going to look like in five years. But I like couples to say, okay, in a perfect world, what would that look like? I'm homeschooling, this amazing, beautiful fourth grader.

And we also have a first grader now that I'm homeschooling. And you're making this much money and we've saved up enough money to buy a down payment. All right. I mean to buy a house. how much would we have had to save over that time that means we have to drive this stupid corolla for five more years right all those things just get put on the table and there's some grief there's some happiness there's some sadness there's some all of that together um and then asking that question not in the moment when you bust in the door after you've been at work all day and your wife's covered in vomit holding a kid with a dirty diaper and you have a four-year-old just going ah and a mother-in-law with her arms crossed and a podcast on how to homeschool in your wife's years and you're like, how can I help? What can I do? Man, sometimes it's easier for you just to not be there

so she can just, it's easier for her just to do it than to stop and teach you and feel like she has a third kid. If y'all get away once a week, even for an hour, say, how can I love you this week? She can say, okay, I could really use help here and here. But when you wash the bottles, you always do it like this. I need it, I want it like this. Cool, got it.

um you busting in the house and saying all right give me a job it's just like you become a third kid so when you bust in the house the greatest thing is to grab that four year old and you'll head out to the park for 45 minutes and just let me exhale right but getting out of the heat of the moment and then you my brother work on your triggered responses i just want to pull away i just want to stand there and look at her and feel hurt we're not going to do that anymore that's how we handle the problems when we were a kid that kept us safe as a kid we're not doing that anymore when we feel like we want to pull away that's where we're going to lean in we're going to go find a thing to help with maybe that's just taking the trash out maybe that's just getting a chlorox wipe and cleaning up the nursery taking all the dirty diapers out

and taking them out to the trash like whatever that is but i'm going to have a checklist of things i'm just going to run through and that way my wife doesn't feel like she has a third kid getting home from work every day but all that can be talked about at a table where you're holding hands and saying dude it's so good to see you i got a new heart we have new kids we got a brand new marriage and i want to build it with you are you in also and man what an amazing conversation that can be thanks for a call my brother i'm going to send you a copy of building a non-enchantless life i want you all to use that as a roadmap for this conversation i have a feeling that that particular book and that particular roadmap is going to be a blessing for you and your family when we come back a couple wants to reconnect

with the world after being out sick for a long, long time. This month, Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world is offering two powerful prayer challenges. Starting October 13th, Jonathan Rumi, who plays Jesus and the Chosen, is walking us through the story of all stories. This isn't just a bunch of disconnected Bible verses, it's the whole arc of scripture told like one big story. It's about real people who laugh, cry,

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you'll get three months for free. That's hallow.com slash deloni for three months for free. All right, we have a couple on the line from Tampa, Florida. Let's go to Sally first. What's up, Sally? Hi, Dr. John. Thank you. We're taking our call.

Oh, you got it. All right. Now I'm going to bring on Ted. What's up, Ted? Hey, good morning. Good morning, guys. All right. So, Sally, I brought you on first. So you go first. What's going on? So, yeah, like you mentioned, we just don't know how, what our next step should be after being sick for a long time.

So just a recap. My husband and I, we have spent the last three years almost entirely inside together. We both work from home. We get our grocery and essentials delivered and all of our social interactions. had been virtual. So back in 2022, I had COVID, and then it developed into long COVID, which has left me with a lot of severe symptoms for a long time. So right now, I'm about 90% recovered. So during this period, a lot of our friends and family members, they have ripped it away, and then we have turned this into our new normal, and we learn we find ways to be content

with it. We pretty much just, you know, enjoy each other company and just be a peaceful life as much as we can with what we get. But now, since my health is better, I've just started wondering if what our next step should be, maybe toward reconnecting with the outside world. But I guess the challenge is, you know, one thing is my husband, he's kind of anxious with us going out again, just fearing that, you know, I might relapsed. and then we had to go through all of this pain all over again. So I totally understand his fear. You know, we went through a lot together. So personally, like, you know, we don't mind continually this life.

Like I mentioned, we have far away to, you know, be content with it. But I'm not sure if it's the, you know, healthy, quote-unquote way to do it long-term. So that's why we're wishing out and still if we're missing anything. and if we should go back out and how should we navigate it in a way that is healthy for both of us. Amazing question, Sally. Thank you for and Ted. Thank you all for reaching out. I'm glad you're still with us, Sally.

Thank you very much. I'm glad you still here. Ted, Ted, you heard her question. What would you add to that? Yeah, so I think when she says, you know, I think especially, For me, I'm very content with what we have. You know, she went through all this hardship and quite honestly. It was just, it was devastating.

I don't know how many people are really familiar with the effects of long COVID, but it was, I mean, it was so difficult to go through to watch her struggle with this. And, you know, I mean, just trouble breathing, trouble sleeping. hard to think and she was just so depressed and you know she's normally such a positive person and seeing her go through all that

it was just very difficult for me to really find that motivation to get through it and so you know I was trying to be strong for her but it's like it was difficult for me as well I just hated watching her go through that and when there was just really nothing

I could do. And now, you know, she's kind of coming around and, and it feels normal again. Feels like who she was before she got infected. And so, you know, for me, I'm kind of, we're kind of just back to that now, you know, and things have settled down. But it's, I don't know, it definitely makes me anxious, knowing. that we could be stepping back into this and knowing we could be going through this again.

So I think that's it for me is I just, I'm happy, you know, we're comfortable. We love our life. We spend every day together. We spend all day together. And I am perfectly content with that. So kind of going back out there, you know, there are sacrifices involved that we made staying in and staying healthy,

given her that opportunity to get back to hell. But I still am kind of just focused on the more focused on the risks, I guess, of going back out and kind of living that normal life that we used to have again. Yeah. So, and kudos to both of you. kudos to both of you and kudos to you for doing what you had to do to survive kudos for you ted taking care of your wife

and ted kudos to you because most men wouldn't have the courage to say hey it was hard on me too and kudos to you sally for not saying well no it was me both of y'all went through a hard thing together and i always want to look at i always want to start when somebody tells me about the re-entry right or this thing after a traumatic experience, Ted, you almost lost your wife. And that sense of powerlessness, Sally, like, I can't even breathe.

I can't get up. And Ted, like, I feel so powerless watching the woman I love and pledged my life to. Can't get out of bed. Can't breathe. We have bills coming in. Like, all of that. I always want to start from a place of, is anxiety right? And I would tell you, your bodies wouldn't be working well if, you know,

your alarms weren't going off at the thought of going back out right and sally i think you asked it best and sally tell me if i'm if i'm a little bit out of line here i'm hearing you actually do want to get out and experience the world and you're a little bit apprehensive to say it out loud because you know how anxious that makes ted i mean that's fair i mean i feel like maybe that's part of me. Like he mentioned, you know, I'm not only a positive person, so like, you know, if God had brought us through so much, I felt like we were in rock bottom.

So I was like, it can only go up, right? Yeah, we're right. I don't know. I just, I can imagine you had a sense of, like, oh, I stare death in the face, and I want to get out there and live. And Ted, it makes perfect sense that you're like, hey, we stared death in the face,

and we created a cocoon. I don't want to leave the cocoon. It's safe in here. and we live in a little weird snapshot in history we can just push a button and food shows up in our house that's awesome right and we just push a button in whatever movie we want just pops in here and we can just open this little computer

and our jobs just show up in our house like why would we leave this I get that too I totally get that too the hardest thing after a traumatic experience is a navigating grief because both people grieve, everybody grieves differently. David Kessler says grief is like a fingerprint. Everybody does it differently. It looks different for everybody.

And in a couple, it can be frustrating because one person's resolution to grief is to get back out there. And the other person's like, how, are you crazy? And the other person might say their response to grief is to just lock it up and try to keep every variable under wraps. And then the other person's like, are you crazy, right? And so it can end up being a wedge that drives people apart if there's not curiosity and compassion about grief and if there's not honesty about, okay, we made it through hell. And anybody in the world that would tell you

there's no risk to going back out is lying to you. That's one of my, when I hear like mental health advice and I hear like that, one of my radars, antennas that go up is when somebody says, no, you're going to be fine. Dude, you don't know if you're going to be fine, right? What's that old saying? Like, just because you're paranoid

doesn't mean people aren't following you, right? Like, you can be scared of flying and go through all the exposure therapy and the plane you get on could crash. That's true, it could. Statistically, it's probably not going to happen, but it could. And so there's this balance of, we made it.

And there's a big, exciting, beautiful, adventurous world out there that is both amazing and life-giving and there's risk there. And it sounds like for you both to navigate this, Sally and Ted, if nothing else you all leave this call, I would love for y'all to both have permission to fully, fully put your wants out on the table and not feel like you have to hedge them for each other or to know the best way we can love each other is to be completely honest. And Sally, that's you saying,

I nearly died and I want to go see the Grand Canyon. I just made that up. You may not care about a big hole in the ground, but whatever. And Ted, you saying, I watched you almost die. The thought of getting on a plane or on a train or getting in the car and driving to a gas station scares me to death. And both of y'all put your heart and soul on the table,

and then ask what are each of us willing to do moving forward. And so, Ted, there's probably going to be some, what I would call practicing. I'm going to go to the store. I'm not going to order food once this week. I'm going to go to the store and I'm going to feel anxious. I might even wear a mask and people are going to look at me and I don't care. There in Florida, everyone's going to stare at you and be like,

that crazy liberal, they don't know that you're why. I've almost died from an infection. Like, I'm going to wear a mask, but I'm going to go experience the grocery store and get some milk and eggs. By the way, that'll cost you $11,000 for those two things. I'm going to go get some milk and eggs, and I'm going to feel the anxiousness.

And I'm going to walk in my front door, and I'm going to exhale, and I'm going to feel that relief. And then I'm going to be honest, both about my fear and about the truth that it didn't kill me. and we're going to be honest with our doctor and if the anxiety spins up out of control i'm going to be honest about getting some help with the anxiety with a counselor i mean you're talking 10 to 15 sessions most of the time i'm going to commit to getting off social media because it will just feed my ecosystem of fear fear right you know what i'm saying i'm going to quit

googling long covid for god's sakes right like because man like they're going to have you bathing in essential oils and wrapping yourself in bubble like all that stuff right um it just depends on what y'all want to do moving forward but it starts with the permission for both of you to be honest and curious not honest and then judgmental of each other here's what i want you both to have the courage to say if you want to say it on this call that would be gangster but you don't have to because i know it's a lot of pressure ted i want sally to have permission inside her own home and inside her marriage to say, Ted, I want to go see flowers again. I want to go climb a mountain. I want to go to a rock concert where there's people everywhere and I want to jump up and down and get in a

mosh bit. I don't know, Sally, I don't know what you're into, but whatever. I want to go to a museum again. And Ted, I want you to feel that anxious, but I want you to give her permission to say that and have it not be a personal attack. Okay. Your feelings are yours and hers are hers. and they don't come at one is not attacking the other they just both coexist and Sally I want you to be able to hear Ted say

I nearly lost you and so the thought of wanting to go to a concert scares me to death and not feel like that's a prison sentence for you inside your own home inside your own marriage you get what I'm saying yeah

yeah I got it It's, I mean, I probably wasn't clear, but like I'm an introvert. Okay, okay. I don't like going out. I don't like to go. I guess. I'm sorry if I made it sound like in. I'm just running my mouth.

You didn't do anything wrong, Sally. I'm just making up stories here. So don't, yeah, don't feel judged at all. I'm just making up stories. Let me say this. If y'all both like the life you have, feel free to have it. Feel free to have it. I'm always going to look at the data that suggests having friends, having community, having family that you can rely on outside of a tiny postage stamp size fenced-in house is good for the human spirit, for the human physiology, for human biology.

That's kind of how I, I'm sorry, go ahead. No, like having somebody else's home that you can walk into and drop your shoulders and know you're welcome there is a part of the lived human experience. And I think technology has taken that from all of us and it's killing us. Mm-hmm. And. Yeah, I agree with that. So I guess we are both introvert. So, you know, you leave us to our core and we can just be happy staying at house hanging together.

But I agree that, you know, community helps. You know, I feel like to be in connect with others to be able, it helped us grow. It helps us be able to reach out and help others. It's good. Yes. That's right. Challenge for us. Yes.

I guess for me, and I guess that's twofold. One part of it is I know how much Ted has sacrificed through all this. and I feel like I'm roping him of that three years of his life because even before this I feel like he's more social than I am he has more friends he has more people he's connecting to and he's my only friend so so I feel like because of me he's hesitant going down to just me and I know he's totally happy with that if not saying he's he's ever come like

he's amazing husband but I feel like you know if not because of that he would have more connection. I feel like, so that's, that's a part of it. Ted, is that true? I mean, I was definitely more connected in the past. Do you feel like Sally's been a burden to you for three years? I wouldn't say that at all. I feel like I would go through anything for her.

Sally, I want you to hear that and internalize that. This man loves you. He does. And, man, this is the definition of a ride or die. It's awesome. I love hearing it. And maybe that's the place to start. Hearing that side of your story, Sally, I think that's beautiful.

But hearing that side of y'all looking at each other and holding hands and saying, you've never been a burden to me. You've been a blessing. And Sally, maybe for the last three years you gave Ted a purpose. He didn't even know he was capable of fulfilling. what a blessing what a gift and ted your sacrifice and service to sally may have given her love and connection in a way she didn't even know she was capable of receiving that's awesome and on this side of the illness um you'll have a new marriage and y'all get to build it and have it

look like however you want it to look and so maybe i got the stories backwards ted maybe way down you're like man i wish i missed some guy friends or maybe you're like dude guy friends were so stupid I can just play Fortnite and get what I need. I would challenge you on that, but also, y'all are adults and get to create the world you want to create. But, Sally, I don't want you to feel guilted into doing something you're not comfortable with.

And Ted, I don't want you to sacrifice part of your spirit and soul out of this sense of duty and safety, perceived safety. Everything's going to come with a risk. And so A, start with what your doctor says. Always start with what your doctor says. If your doctor says,

hey you are free to move about the country as y'all feel awesome get that stamp of approval b you're going to have to have a season of practicing what does it even like to reengage again ted maybe you take a call from some of your buddies and you're like all right i'm going to go out once and i'm going to try it out and maybe i'll sleep in a separate bed that night just so you both feel safe but whatever that looks like and feels like commit to curiosity and not judgment commit to telling the truth and like you just told me sally commit to saying deep down ted i feel like you gave up three years of your life for me and i have some guilt about that and then ted can respond with oh my gosh i got to love and serve you in a way that i didn't know a possible like all that stuff

put that on the table and then with compassion say okay who do we want to be in the next three months 90 days if you want to keep things exactly as it is great knock your lights out then after that put it on the calendar we're going to reconvene and we're going to get 90 more days what does that look like i do think experiencing the world long term the outdoors nature beauty friends community family the messiness the good the fear the risks all of it and the long haul is worth it i kill are both worth it but also be compassionate with your bodies with your anxieties with your with your fears y'all have been through hell and back and the amazing thing is you all stood by each other's and man, what an amazing example.

Well done, you too. I look forward to what happens next. Call me back in 90 days and let me know how things are going. Pretty amazing couple right here. When we come back, a woman wants to be a less reactive parent, and she doesn't know where to start. All right, we talk a lot on this show about boundaries, emotional boundaries, relational, financial,

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and talk to Marie. What's up, Marie? Well, I'm talking to you, so I'm doing okay, I guess. Not great, but okay. I celebrate that with you. What's up? So I had this very well thought out.

And I wrote down a few notes for myself to keep myself focused. Had I talked to you yesterday, I would have had a very different conversation that I'm having with you today. Oh, fantastic. A big question that I came to and my well thought out reasoning was, you know, you're a fellow, Gen Xer, and you are also the father of a teenage son. So my question was, as those two things, how can you help my husband and I be less reactive with our kids? And so yesterday, my son dropped an F-U bomb to my face, and never in a million, trillion years that I think, one, my child would ever say that to me.

And two, that I've had enough therapy to not go to jail. So luckily, my husband and I have gone through a lot of therapy to work on all those 80s tropes because we could not be more Gen Xers, you know, all of it. the hose. You know, we got hit with the wooden spoon. When we had big feelings, we were sent away to our rooms. We did all those things. And on top of it, you know, we were Boston Catholics, so we were served shame and guilt every night with our meat and potatoes. So we have... Except for Fridays when you got fish. Exactly. Or pasta during lunch. Don't forget that. So, you know, we were the latchkey kids.

So we've both done a ton of therapy to be better parents for our boys. And, you know, when we first got married, we had a lot of fertility issues and we ended up in couples therapy, which honestly was the best thing that ever happened to us because we learned like the Gottman method. And I know you've talked about that before. So my husband and I have worked that through our entire marriage. And it was the best foundation we could have ever had because we became parents by like a fire hose. we have four boys and the age span is less than three years. So we have four boys in diapers because we had two biological and two adopted.

And that wasn't how we planned life, but it's what God gave us. And then as life went on a little bit, we had a very sick little boy for about seven years. And the only way we stayed married was because we had that Gottman Foundation. And then, you know, we separately have done therapy over the years to, you know, undo what the silent generation did to us. So my husband and I are very well grounded and we have all these like great. And up until now, we were doing great. When the boys were little, it was like having a litter of puppies, you know, like we fed them,

we ran them, we rinsed and repeated and then loved them. And, you know, they were like puppies. And it was honestly, the first 10 years, I know this is crazy, but even having four in diapers for a period of time was easier than these teenagers. age years. Like, we're, and I, I thought we were doing great, but apparently we're having a really hard time with, like, resorting back to that default setting of, like, guilt and shame and these big consequences.

And we're good at a lot of things. We're really good at repairing because we have to repair a lot. We have to go back and tell our kids, you know, and I, one of the things I always say to my kids is, you know, Biggie and Tupac raised me. we can do this Dr. John's way or we can do this Dr. Dre's way. And last night I almost chose the orange jumpsuit because I cannot believe because I know there's respect is not the same at like I feared my parents, but that's not respect. I know fear isn't respect.

I have enough therapy to realize that. But also I would never, to this day, I would never swear in front of my parents, let alone drop an F-bomb to their face. And I do think there's some value in that. Yesterday I wouldn't have said that. But today, what we went through last night, and I had the restraint, which I'm so proud of myself, because the old not-therapized me wouldn't have reacted that way, you know, and it was just, it was really hard.

So I've read all your books. I can give you, I could probably recite your book back to you. But, like, you know, I know you were saying that, you know, there's, you've got to find the pause in between the stimulus and the reaction. And my husband and I with these teenage boys are having a really hard time finding that pause because our default setting is basically, you know, shame, guilt, consequence. And, you know, that landed us in therapy. So it's not going to work with our kids either.

And we don't want to be like that. So how do you do it? Being the Gen X, and being a teenage boy dad, because I don't know if we're going to survive. Yeah, I smoke a lot of weed is what I'm just totally. kidding. Kelly's just like, oh, God. I'm like how much tequila is in the house? Because I don't know if I can do this.

Let me, let's reverse engineer last night. And I think I can help. What led up to that final nuclear option for your 15 year old son? Screen time. Him and our battles are always revolving around screen time with him, him pushing the

boundaries with that. And yesterday you know, instead of yelling from across the house. Supper's ready. Come down to eat because you have to go to football. It was, I sat next to him. Hey, what are you doing? What are you playing? Oh, my gosh. Yeah, you were on that level last night. That looks cool. All right, right, right, right, right, we got to go down and get dinner going because you have to leave for football. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, all right, you finish the round and I'm sitting next to him and I'm like participating in it. And then I was like, all right, you know, you said after this round, we were going to go down.

And he was like, well, I'm not even hungry. And I'm like, right, but you have an hour and a half football. you got to go. And I'd like you to have something to eat. I was like, can you let's come off anyway? Even if you're not going to eat for me, can you just come off so we can get going here? I'll come down when I'm ready. Well, you said you were ready when this round was over. The round was over. We got to wrap it up here. And it was, and then I was like, all you're using all your time now. Like we have all these parental controls on there. We give them two hours on school nights. You know, you're going to run out of your time. And I know you're going to want to do this when you get home. I'm just letting you know, I'm going to go downstairs. Okay, I'll pause your, let me cut you up right here. Okay.

I've already heard it. Did you hear it? No, what? I didn't. So you have a set of values, desires, and wants for your son. And you tell them what his desires and wants are. And he has learned that he can just nod, call say cool cool cool mom and most of the time you'll just go away and occasionally you will stand

your ground and try to convince him that the desires and wants and needs that you have handed him are actually his and that he should be held accountable for them and then in his nervous system in his chest he knows I don't want to eat I'd rather play this game and you know you're going to feel terrible if you go play a football game

you're going to come home exhausted and then you're going to stay up and eat dinner then you're not going to sleep and this whole cycle is going to start over again and so you're giving him some wheeze

and some I thought you's and don't you want twos and what a 15 year old desperately needs is two things really firm boundaries and the lived experience of a consequence and you're uncomfortable with both because they one of them feels like the fear you grew up with and one of them feels like if my son is hurting i feel that pain in my

chest and somehow i have failed my son and neither of those things are true and so the way you've described the Gottman method, the way you've described your therapy has all been this thing that you've experienced at arm's length. But I want you to take full ownership. Your house is different now than the one you grew up in because you and your husband have done a bunch of work and y'all are different people now. Not because you have the gotman method. the Gottman's didn't do anything they put a program out there y'all did it you all experienced it the therapist doesn't come to your house and change the way y'all fight and say you're sorry y'all have done that and so for the first time in your whole freaking life i want you to pat yourself on the back and say i have done a whole bunch of work and i'm grinding it out and i am proud of myself say those words i am proud of myself I am proud of myself because I didn't go to jail yet. No, no, no, no.

Because I cannot believe. I am proud of myself because I cannot believe I didn't react because I, that's, it goes so against my, my grain. That's awesome. But here's the thing. Here's what comes next. You both, you and your husband circle back up tonight. And you sit down with your 15-year-old. and your husband says

no man no man says those words to my wife period ever especially not in her house apologize to your mom and because you all have done a good job

with repair he has a roadmap for what an apology looks like I'm so sorry mom and then your husband says there is some extremely strict consequences for this action you chose to say F you to my wife

to your mother and so by extension you chose to have absolutely no video games for the next few months is a weird choice but that's a choice you made our choice for you is our hope for you is that you choose to take the two hours

that we give you which by the way is too much Marie but y'all get to do whatever you want is that you choose that but you made a different choice and you got to own the consequence to that and he's going to get mad he's going to get frustrated he's going to hang his head

he's going to feel shame and in this moment a person should be ashamed when they tell their mom F you it's the toxic constant pervasive shame I'm not a good boy and that's where you lean in

and put both hands on his face and say, I love you. And we are a fireball of a family. And I love that about you and I love your spirit. And I realized I give you mixed messages when I say, you are going to be hungry and you don't feel hungry. That's on me.

I take that. And I get that when I tell you, you're going to want to have eaten, and you're like, I don't want to have eaten. And so you can tell your son, with both hands on his face, communicating physically. I love you and I'm here.

I'm going to stop putting my wants and desires into your lap. You're going to go to football practice because you committed to this team and you don't have to eat. And you're going to be real hungry, but that's a choice you get to make. Same as you chose to not have these video games for two months. My son doesn't get a vote in how I respond

because I'm an adult. but i'll be damned if some anybody's going to walk into my house and use that kind of language with my wife and both of those things are very true and there's something way more terrifying i think of somebody who is very in control of what happens next than somebody who's just running their mouth like a chihuahua or barking like a dog right and so absolutely your husband and you need to address this head on beginning with your husband looking your son directly now and saying no man no man nobody will use that kind of language with my wife period and then the choices that your son made is how he chooses the consequence if you go in there and be like i'm taking away this for

then you've you've pitted him against himself if you go in there and say you chose this and so that means you chose this consequence then he gets to live with the consequences of his actions his choices have consequences. And that doesn't make you a bad mom. And one blow up from a 15, there's a reason we don't let 15 year olds buy beer because they're 15. That doesn't mean that you get an F

on your parenting scorecard. The fact that you didn't go nuclear says you got an A. Yeah. He's had to sit in that all day what he said to his mother. That's powerful. yeah right yeah so hear me say this

don't even get that kind of language listen mama you did good mom you did good it's got to be addressed we're not going to talk like that in this house but we're going to make our boundaries are the chosen behavior we want very clear don't we want to be okay i think we're going to be done after this level we're not going to do that a 15 year old can't a 15 year old that's too vague the game is off in five minutes i would choose to save because i your parent am turning this game system off period the dinner is going to be on the table for you to eat before your game if you choose not to eat cool you're choosing hunger you're choosing to have less performance on

the field great you're 15 you can live with that chosen experience it's a weird choice but choose it and you chose to drop the mother load of f bombs in here there's a chosen consequence and know that those kind of explosions are the end of a skill set they're not a character defect i have a lot of compassion for 15 year olds that just explode i've gone as far as i can you're telling me that i feel this you're telling me that i want this you're telling me that we should want to do this together. I don't feel any of those things. Boom. Instead of the adult coming in and saying, I'm the adult, game system's off. I'm the adult. Dinner's on the table. I'm the adult. Football practice starts. You made a commitment. We leave in five minutes. I'm the adult.

And kids can anchor into firm boundaries like that. And that doesn't make you a bad parent. That makes you, as Dr. Becky says, the most sturdy parent possible. So, high five for you for not reacting. and nuking the house and burning down a 15-year-old. 15-year-olds should not talk like the way to their parents. 100%. Wouldn't happen to my house. It wouldn't happen to any other house. But we're going to respond to it as adults.

Responding to a child as a child is exactly, it meets their nervous system right where it's at. I'm proud of you, Marie. The next move is you and your husbands. firm boundaries, firm consequences, and firm choices. We'll be right back. All right, I've been telling you about cozy earth's bamboo sheets and their pajamas for a while now. They give you the kind of comfort that makes coming home from a long day out in the wild or from a chaotic workplace, a reason to celebrate.

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Cozy Earth also offers a 10-year warranty on their sheets, so you owe it to yourself to try them out. Go to cozyEarth.com slash Deloney, and because cozy feels even better with a surprise, when you spend $250 and use code Deloney, you're going to get a free jogger set with your order. That's cozyEarth.com slash Deloney and code Deloney for a free. jogger set. Home isn't just where you live, it's also how you feel. Let's go home with Cozy Earth. All right, Kelly, am I the problem? All right, so this is from Laura in Armonk, New York, and she writes, my boys are about to be 10 and 7. They don't go to their bed on their own, and my husband feels my 10-year-old is too old, too old to need his mom at bedtime. We both have

high ACEs scores, and we're doing our best to navigate parenthood. I sit with my kids and rub their backs and get them to sleep they used this time to tell me about their days or discuss anything that's bothering them i enjoy spending time with them is this age inappropriate no no no no i got in last night i did a set at the comedy club i got in late and i walked straight up into the house i walked straight into my son's room hoping he was still awake and he's in high school and i sat down i got a download of his day he was journaling because he's a better human than me and we had some great conversations. I asked if there's anything I could pray for him for.

It was a great conversation. And so no, there's not an age appropriateness to checking in. If you need your kids to be stable for you to be okay, then that's not healthy because then your kids know it's my responsibility to make mature mom and dad's nervous system's okay. But dude, tucking your kids in is not a childy whatever. It's awesome. it's a great way to get a download we call them in counseling we call them doorknob disclosures right at the last

second they're like oh by the way and that happens a lot with kids it's the first time they've slowed down it's the first time there's not a whole bunch of adults telling them what to do where to go how to stand how to dress how to eat how to do math it's the time they just exhale and no as long as your kids will have you to tuck them in and say good night i love you let that be let that be what do you think Kelly. 1,000% agree with you. All day long. Yep.

All day long. I said it's 19 and I'll still go up there and tell him good night. And that's when some of the best conversations happen. And some of the funniest jokes happens. It's magic time. And yeah, take that as long as those teenagers will give that to you. Love you guys. Bye.