The Dr. John Delony Show - My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do

Episode Date: November 27, 2024

On today’s episode, we hear about: •      A husband seeking advice on how to improve his relationship with his wife •      A woman struggling with relationship dynamics in a blended family •      A daughter wondering why her kids have been left out of her mom’s estate planning   Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show T-Shirts Connect With Our Sponsors:  🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🌿 Get up to 40% off at Cozy Earth with code DELONY. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🥤 Get 20% off at Organifi with code DELONY.  🏔️ Use code DELONY at Poncho Outdoors. Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 The EntreLeadership Podcast   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy

What up, what up? Listen, Black Friday Week is here and that means you can save big on questions for humans decks and my book Building a Non-Anxious Life and more at ramsysolutions.com slash store. How can I get my wife to, you know, to love me and trust me again? Why doesn't she trust you? I think a lot of it's just been my communication hasn't been the best. It's been candid about two years after that first incident. You know, she delivered it to me straight on and said this wasn't working. Hold on, hold on. You keep referring to an incident, dude. And here, like, tell me of what I'm missing.

What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Delaney Show. So glad that you've joined us. Thanks for being here talking real people, going through real stuff, their emotional health and mental health, their relationships, whatever they got going on. My commitment is I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. You want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndelaney.com slash ask. Let's go out to 817 out to Fort Worth, Texas and talk to Tony. What up, Tony? Hey, good morning, Dr. John. This is a surreal moment for me, but pleasure. Well, I appreciate you, man.

I don't get to talk to Texans enough. So glad to have you on. What's up? So, you know, I want to I want to preface this by saying that my wife's a big fan of your show She actually got me into it to be candid. Maybe a little bit about a month two months ago I mean, you know, we're just been talking about a lot of things and you know, I feel like i've been watching you forever though I'm just seeking seeking answers here and there as far as to kind of better our relationship I appreciate it. I'll do my best man. I'll do my best kind of better our relationship. I appreciate it. I'll do my best, man. I'll do my best. But I'd reached out, you know, and my question just overall is, you know, how do I, how can I get my wife to, you know, to love me and trust me again? You know, there's been a couple of things

that have played into this factor, but you know, that's the overall, the overall premise. Why doesn't she trust you? So it started about you know four years ago. I mean prior to that you know let me let me just say this I'm in my honey about maybe about eight years ago right a little bit over and God we've we've had a great ride and everything that we've said we've set out to fulfill we fulfilled you know we have a beautiful house we have two big boys but a majority that started about four years ago is when I first had my first boy. Do me a favor brother, talk directly into the phone for me.

Yes. There you go, there you go. This is a little bit better now. Yeah, much. And we had COVID had just hit, we had just gone to our first house. And I mean, I was working, I was working quite a bit. And my wife had basically just told me,

hey, you're working so much, like I'm telling you, I need these things. Hey, she was telling me, I need you to be here more. I'm stressing, I wanna go back to work, but I also don't wanna be away from the baby. And like, what can we do? How can we make this better and not only that but you know I kind of told her instead of trying to fulfill

those needs I ended up reciprocating my frustration in my line of work at the time and saying you know I want out as well right and so that caused her to kind of go into this emotional wreck this emotional hurdle of, you know, like, we're not trying to fix this, you know, we're both on the same boat. And I really wasn't communicating, you know, I was living by actions rather than communication. And, you know, so that caused a little bit of turmoil in our relationship at that timeframe. And that's where it started. You know, we worked on it throughout the course, but that's where it started. We worked on it throughout the course, but that's where a lot of it has stemmed from

throughout the years from then on. Any little thing, any little hurdle that we come across, any little objection brings her back into that state of, why am I still continuing this? I'm putting her back into that state of, why am I still continuing this? I'm putting her back into a hole. And I think a lot of it has just been my communication hasn't been the best. I've been trying to figure out

how to dive into these deeper conversations because I'm afraid that when we have had these conversations, I haven't had the answers for her. And that scares me as well. There's something else here because either that or she is laying down emotional finish lines for you and every time you cross them for her she moves them again. Yeah. Because she's unsettled in her own skin and she's trying to make you fix it. Definitely and you know she and she's and she's told me this you know and and it's to be candid about two years after that first incident you know she's told me this you know and to be candid

about two years after that first incident you know she delivered it to me straight on and said this wasn't working and so you know we separated we separated for about you know three months still live together because we still had our babies but you know after about three months of trying to fix and trying to you know work our way back to one. I also found out that she was kind of having I would say an emotional affair with someone else. And in my head, I had tied it back to, this was the cause of it,

this was the cause of our separation. And I know that wasn't the case, right? She said, why did it take this situation to happen for you to communicate your feelings to me? Hold on, hold on, you keep referring to an incident, dude. And here, tell me what I'm missing, because what I hear is, during a global pandemic, your wife quit her job and stayed at home

with one or two new babies, you went to work and you doubled down at work. She was still working, but because COVID had hit, she was technically off. Working from home? No, not working from home, but wasn't slated to go back for about six months. Okay, so, but the incident here is

you just kept working really hard and she was kind of panicked and you were kind of panicked. Yes. That's not an incident. That is a innate natural response to the world imploding on itself. It's like if a building is on fire and it starts collapsing and then two people run out the front door, it's like the one who ran right is just Furious and pissed that the other person ran left. It's like dude. You don't judge that innate response

So, okay cool. You didn't do that In retrospect you wish you had worked a little bit less and held her on the couch more or been more present with X Y or Z That's not an incident that's a that's a thing couples go through when there's stress and pulls on a relationship and you learn from it and then you move on. Right. So anything that happens now three years, four years later,

unless I'm missing something, I think she's wanted out of this relationship for a long time. And that's what it feels, you know. But you called me asking what can you do for her to trust you again. It sounds like, and I don't wanna talk ill of people who aren't here.

Sounds like she's the problem. She doesn't wanna trust you or she's just gonna keep using those things to see somebody else, to not have to, you see she's just going to keep using those things to see somebody else to not have to you see what I'm saying and I definitely I don't know that and that's where that's where I've fallen back because you know she's definitely she's told me that of course you know she she wants to trust me again you know we've worked on and the fact that we've worked on quite a bit of these things along the way.

Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, not I'm sorry to interrupt you. What did you do to violate trust? You work too much during a pandemic? No, no, I mean, that was that was the initial start. No, I've never cheated on her. But there was a time where last year, I, I in my job, I worked sales and so there was an event that I had wanted to take my wife to and it was for a client event and I, you know, when she had gotten home, she was working a little bit late, she had gone home and

I was already ready. I was like, you're gonna come with me? And she said, no, you should just go alone. And so, you know, in my, I was like, okay, I'm just gonna go. And I was there for about maybe an hour. And then I came back and I was just there, right? We were meeting with a client, meeting with I think a few coworkers that were potentially gonna go, but they never did. And I came back home.

My wife had seen a text on my phone from one of my other co-workers from some time prior to that of me saying something like hey, you know, I'm here waiting for you I'm gonna get down and this is for a whole separate company luncheon event But she kind of it tailored back into that like what is going on right? Is this why you know you wanted to go to this event, but didn't want me to go? And I'm-

Bro, you're being gaslit to Mars and back. Uh-huh. If my wife, my wife, if she found a text on my phone to Kelly, that said, hey, I'm waiting for you, where are you? Actually, that text would probably be in reverse, like a lot. Like, her, Kelly texting you. Where are you? Actually, that text is probably being reversed a lot. I heard Kelly texting me, where are you? Cause I'm late.

But it would never even enter my wife's mind that I'm having a sexual affair with somebody. And I think for me, the biggest reason was within one of those texts, I deleted one of them just because I felt like it was, it came off as like they had this thing about like, Oh, I appreciate you and something. And I said, I don't want this in my phone because my wife read this. She's going to get this misconception. Yeah, that's unhealthy. That's unhealthy. Yeah. It's unhealthy on your part. You are living inside of an electric cattle fence.

I don't believe, unless you're, unless you're totally withholding on me, I don't think you're the one, like getting a text message from a female coworker that says, Hey, I appreciate you awesome job on a sales call on a bailing me out of a thing on a whatever. Right? That's not a weird thing. Unless your spouse has particularly said, you have violated my trust in the past and part of rebuilding trust is going to be,

I don't want you texting female coworkers. She gets to say that and you get to decide whether I'm in or out on that. 100%. And that's where I think that the biggest thing that she has stated to me and I will never not say that you know she hasn't reciprocated her needs it's been about you know a communication you know this is what I need from you and in intimacy this is what I need from you in communication and you know I and I I've been living

through actions rather than you know communicating those things you know what she said I need you to be more present. I need you to, you know, make home feel like home. Yeah, yeah, yeah, hold on. But you have to be specific. Uh-huh. You know, there's times where she stated, where she'll come home and she feels like she gets a negative,

like a cold shoulder from me. Like I'm giving her a glare from the side. Yeah, bro, dude, she is this, I feel like she's burning you to the ground. You can't just say like, hey, when you came home, you were cold, how? You were just cold. Yeah.

Or, hey man, you don't, like, you make it hard to trust, how? Because you just are hard to trust. Right. Or, I need you more available. Okay. Like I'm all in. Oh my gosh, you don't know.

Right. See what I'm saying? Do you know how many women listening to this phone call would kill for their husbands to talk less and actually like go act right? Right. And I've had seasons when I'm in my head, I'm cold walking in the door and my wife says,

hey, when you come in and you're staring at your phone on one phone, your social media phone, and you're on the other phone, you're not done with work. Yeah. That's a specific request. Hey, when I come home from work, will you stop whatever you're doing and just meet me at the door and give me a hug?

Yeah, of course. That's a specific request. What's happening to you is somebody who has put on a pair of glasses that is anything I feel bad about in my own skin is his fault. And no matter what he does, he goes and provides too much,

well then I'm gonna complain that he's not quote unquote around. What does around mean? I don't know. I'm just gonna keep moving that. When you walk in the door after leaving work an hour earlier, half an hour earlier so you can be quote unquote present, then it's, well, now you're coming in cold. All right, what does that mean?

Well, you know, you should know. Here's the thing. I wanna move a little bit past the words need in your home. I wanna move past that. I think the word need is becoming a weapon in your home. I want you to both to move to the word want. Cause need it sounds like you're starving somebody of something.

Like I need food or I'm gonna die. I need water or I'm gonna dehydrate. I need this or I need presence or I need, there comes a moment in a relationship, it's really important to say what you need, but there comes a moment when the word need is a weapon. So I want y'all to switch it. I want you to say, here's what I want.

I want you to be very specific on pictures and words. When she says, you came in cold, I want you to look at her and say, okay, paint me a picture of what you want when I come in the door. I love you to the moon and back, I'm gonna give you that picture. What do you want that? I don't know, I just, what picture do you want?

You want me to have no bag? You want me to have my phones off and left in the car? What do you want? You want me to have no bag? You want me to have my phones off and left in the car? What do you want? You want me to come in with my arms wide open? What do you want that to look like? What do you want my, like the morning routine to look like? What do you want our sex and intimacy life to look like? What do you want?

Because you're getting a lot of amorphous needs and need is just beating you over the head with a hammer and not giving you any clear direction. And bro, I don't hear a thing you did to quote unquote violate trust unless she said, if you go to work again past six o'clock, I'm gonna just assume you don't love me. And you were like, yeah, I don't care.

I'm gonna stay till 10. But it me. And you were like, yeah, I don't care. I'm gonna stay till 10. But it doesn't sound like that's what happened. So this is one of those clarifying, put your arm on the table and just wipe everything off of it. And you look across the table with your wife and say, do you want to be married to me? Cause I wanna be married to you.

And I can't figure out how to meet your quote unquote needs. I want to hear what do you want? What do you want? And by the way, you get to make a list of the things that you want. And it sounds like the Gottman's talk about this, but you have to assume positive intent if your marriage is going to make it. You have to change your default setting.

And what I mean by that is you have to assume that if somebody says something wrong or comes in a little bit cold, that they're not doing it to spite you. They're doing it because, man, they must have had a rough day. Or, man, their head must be somewhere else. They must have just survived a car wreck on the way home. Like it's assuming the best, not assuming I feel bad

or I've had a rough day or I'm angry or whatever. And it has to be your fault because you said it wrong, your intentions were wrong, your text messages wrong. And now here's the deal, Tony, you're finding yourself deleting like innocuous, like coworker messages. Hey, great job on the sales call today. You're deleting that because you don't wanna poke the don't want to poke the dragon. Your marriage is on thin thin ice brother and I think

it's one of those stop the music turn on the lights moments. Do you want to be married to me because I really want to be married to you. What do we both want this thing to look like? Very specifically in pictures and we're going to begin to practice that because my guess is your wife, for some reason, for whatever reasons, has become very uncomfortable with the life that she has co-created. And instead of saying what she wants, she's blaming you for every ill will,

every discomfort that she has, and it's not fair. She's gotta own her stuff, you've gotta own yours, and together, you have to say, I'll serve you and you serve me. Let's go build something amazing. So I think it's time. Do you want to be married to me? And let's reverse engineer that question.

If you got some specifics, brother, I'm always here. And if she wants to call, I'm always here. Thanks for the call, man. We'll be right back. All right. Fall is here, everybody. And that means no, not pumpkin spice. We're done with that.

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free months right now for free when you sign up at Hallow.com slash Deloney. You can enjoy the entire Advent Pray 25 challenge completely free. Go to Hallow.com slash Deloney for three free months. That's Hallow. H a l l o w dot com slash deloni. All right, let's go out to North Dakota, brr, and talk to Jennifer. What's up, Jennifer? Hi there. How's it going, Dr. John? I am having the time of my life. How about you? Awesome. Today's a pretty good day. Thanks. That's fantastic. So what's up? Yeah. Yeah. So my main question is how do I handle the toxicity of blended family dynamics? Oh, geez. Run, run. Run. And still be a good stepmom and a good wife and a good mom to my own kid. Tell me about that. Tell me more. Yeah. So my husband and I, this is both of our second marriages and we've been married together

for eight years together for about 10 years total. And it's my stepkids is their mother is usually the situation that causes the most tension. And they've been divorced, I think, going on 13 years. And so I'm just like, I find myself wondering if it will ever go away. And how to deal with it. What are things that she's doing? Yeah, so it just seems like, sometimes there will be cordial moments and just low key.

And then it's like a bomb goes off and it gets very thorny and- What's a bomb? A lot of the messages, yeah. So like a lot of the messages that we hear through the kids is like, don't tell dad this. Or like if something comes up and they feel like they've slipped up and told us something that we aren't supposed to know.

So it just seems very sneaky. Yeah, you'll never fix that. I know. But it's like, and that's another thing is that it, I never, I mean, I didn't know what I was getting into being in a stepfamily and being a stepmom, but having somebody that like, I really hardly know, but they impact our life on a daily basis. Yep. Like so dramatically.

Yeah. And so that's the, that's the sucky thing that you signed up for. And again, I know you didn't, I know you didn't know what you were signing up for, but it's like a time share. Like, it's yours and it's yours forever, right? And it sounded like a good idea, but here we are. So I think the things you can manage on your end are having like, and this is going to sound so cheesy, but I want you to see what I'm building here, okay? How old are these kids that are coming and going? Yeah, so they're teenagers,

14 year old and a 16 year old. Okay, boy or girl? Both. Do you have a good relationship with them? Yeah, we have a solid relationship. I want you to begin, if you haven't already I want you to begin just you if possible All alternating weeks by taking each one of them out to breakfast or dinner by themselves

Mm-hmm. I want you to get a nice leather-bound journal and I want you to look both of them in the eye and say this is The cheesiest lamest thing but I want you to do this for me and I want you to look both of them in the eye and say, this is the cheesiest, lamest thing, but I want you to do this for me. And I want you to write a few sentences every night and put it on their bed. And their job is they have to write back and put it on your bed. But I want it to be things like, I just need you, if you didn't hear it today from anybody, I think you're an amazing kid. And find specific things that you, I want you to catch them doing great or working hard or the languages with little kids.

I wanna catch you being good instead of pointing out all the negative things. And the world of a 14 and 16 year old is everyone on the planet telling them where to sit, how to dress, what to do. I can't believe you did that. And that's their peers. That's their teachers. That's their coaches and Having what you're doing is you're planting seeds. You're creating a soil that says this house will always be safe and

As you begin to build relational trust and this is um, you've got it. They trust you they like you This is we're talking about depth of soil here Mm-hmm. This is, we're talking about depth of soil here. It is start a practice called what's one secret or you and your husband begin talking about how we don't keep secrets, secrets will kill you. Yeah. And what do we, we're not gonna solve that now. What you're doing is you're playing a game

for when they're 25. Actually, you're not playing a game at all You're building soil because they're gonna hit that life is gonna hit him in the face. You know this and So we want them to know that when that does you are a safe person to call Yeah, and I guess that I mean that is what my husband and I like again It's for 10 15 20 years down the road. That's right. But it is like the daily things when things come up and the kid is stuck in the middle. Yeah.

And like she's impeding on our time. And if we say no, then the kid suffers, you know? Give me an example, I don't understand. Well, like for an example, this one, a couple of weekends ago, it was our weekend with them. We have them 50% of the time. So it's coming and going throughout the week. And then set weekends. It was our weekend. And then they had their mom had plans to go to a movie. And so she texts the 16 year old and is like, oh, see if you can sneak away and come to the movie with us.

And we're like, we don't, like if we say no, then she gets left out of going to a movie. Yeah, but she gets to see that mom and dad have boundaries. And she gets to see mom and dad mean what she says. And by the way, she's 16. And so being 16 and getting a text from anybody else, much less your mom and saying, hey, sneak away and do this thing.

That's gonna be the most appealing thing in the world. Yeah. And so you're not going for being liked here, you're going for being loved and respected here. I got boundaries. And this is your time here at our home. And I think there's language like, this home doesn't work without you here. And not that your kid is propping you and your husband up, but that the whole family works

together. And it just, there's just a suck factor to it. How lame that another adult is using a 16 year old to prop up her own emotions. That's the worst. I know. And you can't do anything about it unless your husband wants to take her back to court to quit doing that. Yeah. I mean, no. Yeah, y'all aren't gonna do that and so it And so it's an emotional immaturity and it just is what it is. But what you're hoping is that when your daughter reaches the age of 21,

because right now she's gonna be like, you're keeping me from my mom, I'm 16, I got my own car, I can do whatever I want. You'd let me go to the movies with my friends, but you just won't let me go to the movies with her, that kind of stuff. And she'll probably start sneaking away to go do it. Right?

And I think there's something about holding a boundary line. And also, here's the other side of that. If she sneaks away to go be with her mom at the movie theater, I mean, what are you gonna do? You gonna ground her? Right. You know what I mean? No. Yeah, what I mean?

No. Yeah. And I don't know that she would. I think she's also kind of the type of kid who would just tell us, you know, she, you know, but I just don't like that they're in the middle. They shouldn't be. And there's nothing you can do about it because they have another adult on the other side shoving them in the middle Yeah, the thing you can do right now is be heartbroken for them and then go be a stable And as secure and as as becky kennedy says as sturdy as possible By the way, it's going to intensify when they turn 17, 18, mom's going to slip them drinks.

Mom's going to have parties over at the house that y'all won't have. Mom's going to talk about going to Stanford when y'all can afford the, you know, whatever, like North Dakota state. And there's going to be all these wars. And I think it's important for dad, especially, but for both of you to say, we are not going to war with your mom. We're just giving you the reality of our situation here. Yeah.

And it does seem, you know, on our end, from our perspective, it does seem like things are like manipulated or planned out. Like, that house is very clearly the more lenient house the more fun house the more yes And so it does just get so hard it does and so you're gonna have to risk being unliked for us You're just not gonna be liked I mean like what? Like you're just not gonna be liked And it it makes me sad for you I mean, like, what, like, you're just not going to be liked.

And it makes me sad for you. Because in a perfect world, co-parenting adults would both act like adults and they would come up for the sake of the kids, they would come up with some consistent values. Part of me thinks if parents could do that, they wouldn't got divorced in the first place. But for the sake of the kids kids knowing that the toggle back and forth But it's very very common that one parent is so insecure and wants to be the cool parent or the I told you so

Parent or the like I want my kids to like me so desperately parent that I'm gonna risk their safety I'm gonna risk their boundaries. I'm gonna risk their emotional Security because they're having to toggle between two homes I'm gonna risk their safety, I'm gonna risk their boundaries, I'm gonna risk their emotional security because they're having to toggle between two homes. It's lame and it's awful, but it is, it happens all the time. And so you have to cash out, and this is for all parents of teenagers,

we're gonna go through one year, two year, four years, we're gonna go through a long period of time where you don't like me and I'm okay with that because I love you, my job is to keep you safe and my job is to teach you boundaries and what safety and security and stability looks like. And then when a kid turns 21 or 24 or 26, they begin to go, oh, okay.

And is that unfortunate? Yes, do you miss out on some laughter and some joy and some shut doors like you're the worst? Yes, and I hate it, but it is. And so here's the important thing for you, Jennifer. The more energy you spend on wishing it wasn't like this, the more energy you're giving away to energy that could be used being present,

going for walks, being silly, writing notes, going to go into having meals, having individual things. Because here's what we're doing with that kid. We want our kids nervous system to down regulate when they're in our presence, not up regulate. And if a parent is sneaking away texting a kid going, Hey, I know the court ordered this, but see if you could sneak away from your stupid step mom and your dumb dad and come hang out with me because I'm awesome and cool. The kid's heart rate is going to increase.

It's going to activate them. And what we want is our kids to walk in the door and know whom of all the chaos of social media and of the drama that has been a high school kid and the future college and the impending doom of the world as all the media sources are selling. And my mom, all this, we want them to come home and know that they're, this is home base. And I have to be willing to risk my kid not liking me, but their nervous system knowing I'm finally home.

So Jennifer, I would, maybe you write an imaginary letter that God help you never send it to stepmom, to their birth mother and just say, I wish you weren't doing this, but I'm letting this go. I'm not giving you any more real estate in my head. And when your kids come home and say, oh, you can tell them, hey, we don't keep secrets here. We don't keep secrets here.

We're never gonna get mad at your mom because she just does what she does, but we don't keep secrets here. We don't keep secrets here. We're never gonna get mad at your mom because she just does what she does, but we don't keep secrets here. We love you and you're always, always welcome here. Thanks for the call, man. Sorry you're in a pickle. It just makes me sad on behalf of these kids that there are just certain adults

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and talk to not so plain Jane. What's up, Jane? Hi there. What up? How do I address my mom about how she plans to split her estate fairly given both of my brothers have passed away? Yowzers. Tell me more about that. Both my brothers passed away young, one at 50 and one at 60. Jane, I'm sorry. What were their names?

Yeah. Steve and Jeff. Ugh, sorry. Yeah, so both of them left behind two kids, adult kids, adult kids. Well, they were teens, early 20s, but adults. Both of them left behind two kids. So I am the sole one left and I also have two kids. So my mother is just doing her estate planning

and hasn't really done much. My brother's saw all the paperwork, so we're trying to figure all that out. And she's asking me questions. I mean, does she do it where it's me one third and then both of my brother's kids would each split their father's portion? No, no, no, no, no.

Or? She needs to leave the entirety of it to you with instructions on what to do with it. Oh, okay. Because here's what's gonna happen. She's gonna leave, like let's say a home to six people. Two kids of one brother, two kids of another brother, and your two kids.

Well, that was the question. She wasn't gonna leave any of the third, two kids of another brother, and your two kids? Well, that was the question. She wasn't gonna leave any of the third to my kids. They would have just gotten it once I passed away. Okay, so think about this. So it's to five people, and one of those kids is gonna be broke and wanna move in. And then another one of those kids' wife

is gonna wanna sell that house because she wants the cash to redo her kitchen and You are gonna want to just slow down everybody And somebody's gonna sue somebody who's gonna sue somebody it's gonna end up in court and they're gonna sell it You're gonna lose money on the house and then everyone's gonna walk away hating each other That's what I'm afraid of. Yes. The greatest gift is leave you the house with instructions to when you die or immediately you sell the house

and give proceeds to X, Y, and Z. But it's very common that there's a ranch and the parents leave the ranch to all three kids. And one of those kids has an ex who has a stepson and that stepson, yeah, says that land's worth $4 million. I wanna sell it right now. And it just gets chaotic. Other than the house, how about things

where there's beneficiaries, like accounts she has with different banks, CDs, all kinds of things like that. Does she split that? I mean, if it's a clean split and she wants to give, you know, Tony Jr. something and Danny Jr. something, she can do that. I like leaving everything to a trust and having you as the custodian of the trust. And then asking mom, what are your wishes for this trust? And she writes them out. When I pass away, I want like a third of the total cost

of these assets to go to these two kids and they can split it up. And I want a third to go to these folks and I want a third to go to you. Or you know what? I just want my grandkids to have $25,000 each. And you can decide how we're gonna get that dollar amount. And that would be split against the six grandkids then,

not just the ones that lost their parents. Y'all get to decide that, but I think it's asking, I think here's the deal. I think it's asking your mother, what are her end goals for each one of these grandkids? Okay. And trying to find an exact dollar amount is really a tough way to do it.

It is. And more so, granddaughter Susan is really into art and design. I want enough money for her to go to art and design school. And that might be 120 grand. And Tim is really into plumbing. I want to pay for him to go to plumbing school. That's gonna be 22,000. Okay.

But I think asking her that, but yeah, if she just decides to leave her assets to five people, it just takes, I've only seen that done well one time, one time. And it was interestingly, it was my dad's parents, my dad's older brother. I remember the Christmas day I was younger, I remember it. He, my dad's oldest brother, my uncle, there's four of them, four kids,

three brothers and a daughter. My oldest uncle called a meeting and he went in the back bedroom at a Christmas Eve Christmas gathering of our whole family. And he, as the oldest brother said, there's gonna be no fighting, no hating, no dissension. Our family will not be broken up. As my grandparents were getting really, really old

and their health was faltering. And he pointed at one of my uncles and says, you're an accountant, you're on the money. I'm gonna handle some of the medical stuff and my family will be responsible for this. And they just split it up that way. And if you want a thing, go put a sticker on the bottom of the furniture of the couch

or the whatever. And we were we're not going to divide our family over this. And that's the only way I've ever seen it done in all the other everybody shook hands, they all hugged and that was that. When my grandparents passed, it was the smoothest transition I've ever seen. But it's because one brother had the respect of everybody else, and all four of them are really amazing people of character. Right.

And that was it. And it's just, I've never seen it happen like that any other way. Yeah, that's what I was afraid of, so that's why I was asking. Yeah, I would, how much money are we talking here? Are we talking millions or are we talking a hundred thousand dollars total? Million. Okay, one million or multiple millions To two millions. Okay, so it may be mom. Do you how do you want to split this up? Do you want each grandkid to get 250 grand?

Do you want each kid to get 250 grand worth of a thing? And I think making you the custodian of the trust as her oldest daughter, her last remaining child, at some point she's going to have to trust you. I guess she can make a lawyer the custodian of the trust, but my guess is she trusts you. She trusts me. Yeah, she trusts me. That's why she's willing to meet to figure out. So it's always, it's rarely the kid.

Occasionally it's the kid that parents doesn't trust, but I'm less worried about that. I'm more worried about one of those grandkids married to somebody who finds out or thinks that their grandmother was worth millions, plural, and they just start suing, they start demanding, they start fighting, they start claiming, and it just takes a really special moment of grief and mourning and a really cool story where your grandmother and your dad, I mean your mom and dad, saved millions to share

in their legacy and it becomes just poisoned. Yep. It happens all the time. I hear about it all the time. I wouldn't have a job if it didn't happen and it breaks my heart every time because it's just so unnecessary. But people just get starry eyed and they're going to say, no, that house is worth $8 million. Like it's clearly not. And then the whole thing just gets silly. So as clear as can be and as leave it to a trust or she leaves it all to you

with very clear written instructions as the executor of the will, I want this much to go to each one of these grandkids and the rest will go to you to split among your kids when you die. And by the way, you get to decide which, heaven forbid one of your kids is struggling with addiction or the worst thing you could do

is leave them half a million dollars. Right. Right? And so you get to decide how you handle your two kids. Got it. And I think there's some, having some guiding principles. Two million dollars is a chunk of money. Handing a grandkid a quarter of a million dollars may be the greatest gift ever.

Handing a grandkid who is really struggling with opiates, a quarter of a million dollars will kill them. And so having the discernment or having an executor of the will or a custodian of the trust that can both meet grandmother's wishes and also have some discernment because I refuse to kill one of my grandkids with a gift.

Right. See what I'm saying? Yep. So all this is messy, all this is hard. I would sit down with your mom and lay out what I just did. I'm not worried about, it's not about honoring your, their, her sons. It's about the reality of, hey, all those kids may have married somebody who may have a weird cousin and here's how we're gonna do this we're gonna leave it all right and we're gonna go from there that's not fair. None of them are married yet so you don't know what future will hold. That's exactly right that's exactly right and I love for how old are these grandkids? Anywhere from 27 to 40. Okay so they're established right they're all single and established? They're mostly a a few of them have some issues, but yeah, because they got a lot of money

when their parent died, so that became a problem like you were kind of talking about. Okay. They're pretty all established, yes. Okay. And so maybe it's a matter of the money is left to you to help pay off a mortgage. I'm not giving away cash. Yeah. Or maybe the money is left to establish a second trust

for their kids if they ever have them for them to go to college. I suggested that she didn't like that part. That's cool. I mean, you get to make all suggestions. It's her money at the end of the day. And here's what really will break your heart. She can do whatever she wants with her money. Right. I understand that. And I hate that, but it is what it is what it is. And if that's the case, I would take my one third and I would stay as far away from that dance as possible.

Yeah. Okay. That's a lot to think about. It is. Just remember this clear as kind. And let's think not in dollar amounts. Let's think in stewardship. What do we want this money to be used for? How can this money bless somebody? Is it education? Is it a mortgage? Is it health care? What is this money going to be used for? The worst thing would be a lifetime of money saved and earned to pass on that gets blown on vacations and depreciating asset like a stupid car purchase.

And what a blow to such an amazing legacy, right? Right. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, she's lucky to have you as her daughter. Thank you very much for your advice. I'm going to just absorb it all in and talk to her some more. Best of luck to you. I also know no parent, no parent wants to talk about money or sex with their kids.

And so that's a tough conversation just to have period, but yikes. Whew. All right, Jane, thanks for the call. Everybody will be right back. Hey, everybody, stop what you're doing. Helix, the makers of the best mattresses in the universe, is having a Black Friday sale starting right now. I have long looked for a mattress that could help me rest comfortably at the end of long stretches of travel or at the end of hard days of work, and Helix is now my gold standard.

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All right. Hey, we are back. I've got some cool housekeeping things first right now There are some mega sales going on on questions for humans cards and building a non-anxious life right now questions for humans is on sale for 12 bucks Kelly where do they go? for humans is on sale for 12 bucks. Kelly, where do they go? ramsysolutions.com. slash store. Okay. Exactly. And building a non-excess life is 30% off until December 20th. So ramsysolutions.com. slash store. Go get your Christmas shopping done there with with things that actually help people instead of shiny shenanigan crap that's just gonna end up in a desk drawer somewhere and also we're're getting so close to the million milestone on YouTube if you'll do me a huge favor This is like one of those just lame asks, but here we are

Will you go subscribe to the show go over to YouTube comm slash John Delaney and subscribe? We're getting so close and one of my goals this year is to hit the million mark before January 1st so head over there, it really would make a big difference for us. And really it's just, I don't know. I wanna hit a goal every once in a while. I got a goal to get better looking this year and wah, wah. And a goal to win Balaban's, didn't even make finals.

Wah, wah, so help a brother out here. Hey, that's it. Hope everything is going well in your life right now, and if it's not, head straight towards the discomfort. I love you guys. Stay in school, don't do drugs. Talk to you soon, bye.