The Dr. John Delony Show - My Wife Left Me for Another Man

Episode Date: November 3, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A husband in turmoil after his wife left him for another man - A wife wondering if her marriage can recover from financial infidelity - A man struggling to date at 40 Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Building a Non-Anxious Life Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. My wife, she decided that our marriage was over. Why'd she leave, man? She said that she hasn't been happy for a while. I was on my way back and she called me and said, okay, do you want to fix this? Do you want to work on this? And I said, yes.

And I expected her to be there when I got bagging shoes gone. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, the greatest mental health and marriage and parenting show ever. So says my friends at the local Walgreens. Dude, we're so glad that you've joined us on this show. We take real calls from real people who are struggling, going through challenges in their life,

whether it's in their marriage, whether it's in their dating relationship, whether it's in their, with their mental or emotional health, whether it's with their kids, whatever you got going on, my promise is I'm going to sit here with you and we are going to figure out

what's the next right move. If you want to be on the show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, johndeloney.com slash ask, or give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's a couple of important things. One, you can go to johndeloney.com and sign up for the newsletter. I send out a newsletter once a week that points to different things. Sometimes it's show clips. Sometimes it's breaking down

certain mental health diagnostics. It's got a whole bunch of stuff to it. It's pretty cool. You can go to johndelaney.com and sign up for the newsletter to keep up to date. A lot of people DM me and ask like, hey, when are you coming to my city? When are you coming to my town?

When's the next retreat? When's the next whatever? So that's a great way to keep up with whatever in the world I'm doing. And also, if you have read Building a Non-Anxious Life and you are interested in digging a little bit deeper, I've created an anxiety test. It's not a diagnostic. It's not going to tell you whether you have a mental health diagnosis, but it will help you kind of take aim at why am I so burned out? Why are my alarms going off all the time? My anxiety alarms, my stress alarms, why am I constantly just frazzled? And it will give you

some insights into some places in your life where you might look. And I took it recently. I was way more anxious in a few areas than I thought I was. And it was right on. I had kind of pinpointed, I think it's because of my kids. It wasn't my kids at all. It was a couple of other areas. And so it actually is pretty effective. Thousands and thousands and thousands of people have taken the test. It's awesome.

And we'd love to have you check it out. You can go to johndeloney.com and check that out. All right. So we're in the questions for human seasons. There's new questions for Humans decks out. We're going to save your Thanksgiving, get on the horn, and get those Questions for Humans decks.

But Kelly's got a question for us to kick the show off today. Yeah, but before we start that, I would like to just say that as of recording this, tomorrow is tonight's game seven of the Astros versus the Rangers. And now this comes out just in a little over a week.

So we'll be in the middle of the World Series by the time this comes out. The Rangers will be in the middle of the World Series. The Astros will be two games up in the World Series over the Phillies.

We'll be currently beating the Phillies most likely. The Astros will be ahead of the Phillies probably two games to none. Yeah, so I would just like to point out that we're at war.

Hey, let's say this. We are at war and I think we could we war. Let's say this. We are at war. I think we need to wager on this in front of everybody. 100% agree. I thought cash, but I also think it would be hilarious that the person, for real,

has to get the other team tattooed on their body. No. Funruiner.org.net. All right, fine. It'll be cash. But, I have to say, as much as this pains me to say, there's been a couple of incredible

pitching performances. There's been a bench-clearing brawl. Oh, it was fantastic, wasn't it? There's been a ninth-inning home run win by the Astros. There's been a ninth-inning grand slam by the Rangers. Just last night.

It's been a heck of a series. Well, there's a... I mean, first of all, it's Texas. It's two Texas teams that hate each other. That hate each other. And most people don't know. If you grow up in Houston, you are trained to hate Dallas. And the same. I mean, to me, if anyone asks me, what's the worst city in Texas?

Houston. Oh, Dallas by a thousand miles. Yeah. I mean, it's just, there's no question. Yeah. It's Houston. Except it's Dallas. And so, yes, it's a war of the question. It's Houston. Except it's Dallas. And so, yes,

it's a war of the ages. It's a civil war inside our own club. And there's a lot of history with these two teams, especially going back to getting hit. I mean, there's been a lot of intentional pitchers thrown at players, not at the bat since this started. Or accidental. Accidental. Accidental. He smoked that dude. Totally.

I mean, got the bruising I can only imagine on his shit. 98 miles an hour. Right, and just nailed him. And it just feels right. It feels like the last sport that's right. It's pretty great. It's just if you hit a home run to go up and you dance around the bases, I have to hit you.

I just think it's right. It just feels right to me. Well, tomorrow we'll know. Yes, and tomorrow I will not rub it. I just think it's right. It just feels right to me. Well, tomorrow, we'll know. And tomorrow, I will not rub it in when the Astros win tonight. Y'all haven't won at home in this whole series. I don't have a good feeling, Kelly. I don't. Which is why I'm so glad this series is

ending in Houston because we've won all the games at Orange Juice Park. And we won all the games in... The big trash can in Arlington. Gosh, I don't have a good feeling, Kelly. I don't. I do. I don't, man.

Hey, I need this because my cowboys. Come on. I need this. I need this. It's been quite the train wreck of a year for me. Let's do this. Y'all have won a World Series. We've never won a World Series.

Well, that's because y'all are terrible. All right, go to the question. Let's go. Questions for humans. All right. If the world ran out of turkey and ham, God,

that would be so sad. Anyway, what main course would you choose for Thanksgiving? Enchiladas. 100%. That's what I was going to say.

Mexican food Thanksgiving, baby. That's what I was going to say. I know people that do that. I think it's fantastic. We did it a couple years when I was a kid growing up in Texas and it was legit.

Yeah, it would be a full-blown like cheese, chicken, beef, whole, multiple kinds of enchiladas. I sometimes have dreams about just putting my face into a plate of enchiladas. I'm good with that. I make some dang good enchiladas. Do you? You're good at it? Yeah. That is the only thing that I miss from Texas being in Nashville is Mexican food. I was

in Texas three weeks ago and I had a lot of empanadas enchiladas. I know. That's why I don't go in the booth for three weeks after you get back from Texas. Really? Cause it stinks in there. Jenna, what about you?

Uh, probably pasta. I could eat pasta anytime, any day. I can see that. Give it to me. I love a good spaghetti meatballs. Italian Thanksgiving.

Italian Thanksgiving. I love it. Joseph. Barbecue. Barbecue. Yeah. Italian Thanksgiving. Italian Thanksgiving. I love it. Joseph. Barbecue. Yeah. Well done. Oh, yeah. Thank you.

Cow or pig? Both. Atta boy. I like that one. Very good. Very good. Nate Dogg. I was trying to think of something American that reflects Thanksgiving.

You're on some dicey ground there, man. Yeah. Hot dogs? I will just say penguin. We'll just say we colonize some other place. We'll bring a random bird from another continent and eat that. You can't eat a penguin. I am editing this out, by the way.

You can't eat it. I don't know. I've never heard of anybody eat a penguin. I am editing this out, by the way. You can't eat a... I don't know. I've never heard of anybody eating a penguin. No, that's awful. I didn't even have that image in my head. How do you even come up with that? Gosh, you need to see a therapist. All right.

Let's go out to Missouri and talk to the great and wonderful Logan. What up, Logan? How we doing? How's it going, John? Good. Sorry you had to hear that weird thing from Nathan. It's all good. I can double down on the Mexican though.

Yes. I'm glad you didn't say you want to eat penguin. Alright, so what's up, man? So, it's been a rough month, man. What happened? Well, my wife, she decided that our marriage was over.

And I didn't get a confrontation. I didn't get a conversation. I didn't get nothing. So my question to you, sir, is how do you move forward when you know that you are never going to get the closure that you need to get past something like that? Hmm. need to get past something like that. I think there's a couple of layers in between now and closure. No, I understand that. I understand it's going to be a process and everything. I'm very self-aware and very conscious of the process of healing from emotional trauma

and grief. This is a situation that I've never been faced with in my life and I was never prepared for. Why'd she leave, man? She said that she hasn't been happy for a while. We haven't had a proper face-to-face conversation or anything about this. I'm an over-to-face conversation or anything about this. I'm an over-the-road trucker, and she told me that she was going down to see some family for a couple of days. I got back from a run.

She left. When I left to get on the road again, she was coming back up, and then I found out all the stuff that happened. Dude, why aren't you on her front porch right now, wherever she is? Because if I do, I'm probably going to get arrested, not because I'm going to do anything violent, but because the dude thinks I'm psychotic. Oh, is she at another guy's house? Yeah, she's already with another dude. she went down to go see some family but during

that time she was not seeing family she was moving stuff in with this dude that she just met down there which i don't even know if it's you know it is it's a big mess and she didn't just meet him dude i know i know yeah it's clearly been happening for a while. Apparently, the conversation that I've heard is because this dude's ex contacted my mom and started asking questions. And it got all kind of twisted. But that's how I found out. This dude, his ex contacted my mom. My mom contacted me like, hey, someone's going down.

I just feel like there's a group of people in the background going, Jerry, Jerry. Just chanting. Oh, I know, right? I know. All right, so if she got in a car, if she knocked on the door, or you're sitting there watching TV tonight and she walked in the front door, are you having her back or is your marriage over? I mean... Answer as straight as you can answer. All right.

As straight as it can be? Yeah. 99.9% no. No, your marriage is over? Like, yeah. Okay. Because some of the things that have been said can't be taken back, and they cannot be taken lightly. Well, lying to you and moving out and moving in with some other guy and sleeping with him for the last month, that shouldn't be lightly either.

Yeah, but the thing is, like, I, we, when I was out on a run, when all of this went down, I was on my way back, and she called me and said, okay, do you want to fix this?

Do you want to work on this? And I said, yes, and I expected her to be there when I got back, and she was gone. So did y'all have a big blow up that she finally just said

enough's enough? There, there was no big blow up. I didn't even know she was unhappy. Like for the last year and a half, it's been rough because that's how long I've been driving truck for. Okay. And I always try to get her to come on the road with me.

I always try to get her to, you know, do things with me when I was home, but she always prioritized her friends and she always had some reason not to come on the road with me. So she's been out of this marriage for a long time. I know that now. I didn't realize it at the time. Sure.

And so one of the scariest things about finding out your spouse has cheated on you, one is that picture you have in your head of her having sex with somebody else. There's that very visceral reality, right? And that was eating me up for like the first two weeks of all of this. And now it's like I just, for some reason, the last week or so,

I've been able to push that out of my head. I've just not been able to think about that. It's been fantastic. Yes, yes. And I want to tell you something. Thinking about that over time is a choice. You can't help the lightning bolt, the image that just shoots in your head. You can choose to hit play on that videotape that's looping in your head.

Okay? Okay. That's number one. And most people think that finding out your spouse, your girlfriend, your boyfriend is cheating on you, that is the worst part. It's not. The worst part is realizing what you're realizing in slow motion right now. And you no longer trust Logan.

Yeah. Because you missed it. Yeah. For two years, your wife's been out of this thing, and you didn't know. And you were busting your butt to get certified. You've been busting your butt to give her a better life by driving, right?

Yeah. And you have pictures. I've realized over the last few weeks that it has felt like a very one-sided marriage for a lot longer than I realized. That's right. I was putting in all of this work and all of this effort to keep providing and making sure that she didn't have to do things she didn't want to do.

I've paid for cruises. I've paid for trips. I've paid for girls trips. And I'm just like, okay, but when am I going to get those things? And it never came. Yeah. And so you find yourself on really on like kind of you're out on a lake that's frozen and all the ice is cracking around you, right?

And that's a scary feeling, not being able to trust your own gut and your own intuition. So there's a couple of things that are important. Number one, my friend Dave says this, and I love it. When somebody leaves you, when your marriage is over, the relationship has ended. The romantic relationship has ended. The friendship at the time has ended. I think friendships can happen down the road when things are just reestablished. And this isn't every group. I know there's people who

consciously uncouple and they hold hands under the courthouse to get divorced and that's a whole other conversation, but this is now a business transaction. My dad has been saying that for so f***ing long. It's a business transaction. Is she in your car? No, not anymore. Actually, she was in my vehicle. She was driving my car for like three years, and she used my car that I came into this marriage with to go and do all of this stuff. And then just last week, my lawyer convinced her to come up and swap her out of my vehicle into another vehicle that we had that was both on the time for. And she was never on the title for my car.

So I'm glad I got that. So this is now a business transaction. She's made a grown-up choice. And with that grown-up choice is going to come a lot of grown-up consequences. Okay? It's also going to cost you some. It's going to suck. It's going to be hard.

I want you to stop texting her. I haven't. She cut off her phone. She disconnected her phone and everything. I have no contact. I want you to let your attorney do his job or her job. Okay. And then the second thing is,

is good old-fashioned grief. And you cannot do this by yourself. I have a fantastic support structure. Good. Those first two days when I found out everything and all the thoughts were running through my head, if I didn't have my family, I don't think I could have been doing my job and functioning as a person at all. Yeah. I'm amazed that you're even still standing upright, but here's what that looks like. That looks like you getting two or three people

and y'all go to dinner. Are you doing local or are you doing week-long runs? About week-long runs. I'm on a run to Oregon now. Okay. So when you get done from a run, how long are you at home before you turn and go back out? Two to three days, sometimes four. You have to prioritize those two to three days. You've got to get your laundry done. You've got to go to the bank. You've got to get a haircut. You've got to do that stuff. But also, you've got to have a dinner or a breakfast with the guys.

Yep. And you have to have the courage. All those thoughts you're having when you're out on the road, all the anger, all the frustration, all the tears, all the singing, all the yelling, you have to have the courage to write that stuff down. Or if you want to be safe or speak it into a phone app while you're driving, you have to have the courage to sit down and tell those guys out loud what you're going through in real time. Yeah, if i didn't

have the people that i have i would have fallen apart i know hey listen i you're gonna fall apart be more great i can't be not i cannot be more grateful for the people that i have around me um good listen this this friends well i want you not to just talk to him on the phone and not just text him. I want you to sit face-to-face with him if you can. And this imaginary, you have fantasized already about a couple of things. Finding this guy in a dark alley and doing your worst. You have fantasized. Actually, it never crossed my mind because I never blamed the guy.

Oh, it's crossing my mind for you. He's not the one who did this. This was her decision. Yeah. I mean, he's with a married woman, but, but I get,

I get your sentiment. I agree. I agree with that sentiment. And I, I completely understand where you're coming from, but he made this choice. Well, that's very,

that's very, but what's very wise of you. Good for you. It's very mature of you. You're more mature than I would be being. But the second thing is, there is not going to be some magic. If you had 30 minutes with her

just to say everything you needed to say, you wouldn't feel better when it was over. On this side of it, you think you would, you wouldn't. There's no magic catharsis, this, this, ah, it won't exist. It won't exist. And so the hardest thing you have to do is let go of the fantasy that if you just had a conversation, if you just knew why, if you just fill in the blank, that all of this would feel different. And I think at this point it wouldn't.

What's happened has happened. It's just heartbreaking. And I want you to not do anything drastic or anything wild for six months. I want you to keep meeting with your buddies once a week and your family, whoever it is, that's your support network. I want you all to meet in person. I want you to talk about what you're struggling with.

And my guess is if you've lived in a marriage where you've been trying and trying and trying and trying, and there's all this deception going on underneath the water, you're going to find strange pockets of peace too. The sun's going to come out in places that you didn't know the sun had gone down. And I want you to lean into that. And I want you to make sure you take care of your body, exercise. I want you to eat as clean as you can, even though you're on the road. I know it's very, very hard. I want you to be intentional.

I want you to sleep when you can. I've seen guys out at some, on some of the side trucks, they've got kettlebells on the side of their, with, with they're out there doing their workouts with their kettlebells outside their, their rigs. I want that to be you. I want you to take care of yourself. I want you to look up in six months and I don't want you to have bought a bunch of stupid crap. I want you to be in relatively good health. I want this divorce. I want your attorney to have been doing their job and kicking butt for you. And I want you to be in a season of grief, heartbreak. Maybe take a journal with you and write down at night when you're sleeping in

the back of your rig, write down how you feel, which sounds so cheesy and lame. I know, I know, I know. Write that stuff down. Then it's seven months, eight months, nine months. Once you start coming up from air, I want you to give me a call back then. There's not a thing that you can do right now that's just going to snap your fingers. You're caught in a river that's running fast and you're going to hang on to your buddies and you're not going to ride this one out.

And I want you to be healthy and smart as you do it. And I'm so, so sorry for you. I'm glad that you're not talking to her. I'm glad you're not communicating with her. I don't want you talking to her friends or this guy's ex. Just get out of the drama. Get out of the drama.

And in these kinds of situations, there's a high rate that she calls you at some point. Can we talk no? No You can talk to my attorney You made your grown-up decision and now you're gonna have to live with the grown-up consequences And i'm heartbroken for you brother, I really am Heartbroken for you

Call me anytime if I can help man. I'll be thinking about you, Logan. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes

more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self

behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves.

If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time

for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, let's run out to New Jersey and talk to Maggie. What up, Maggie? How we doing? Hey, just partying. What are you doing? We are partying until the wheels are falling off. Not true at all.

We're being kind of boring, actually, Maggie. What's up? I have a question. What's up? My fiance lied to me for five years about a day trading account he had. Uh-oh. Yeah, he claims he made uh two hundred thousand and lost it all and during that time i paid all the bills and i wound up doubling the mortgage on my house and i'm having a real hard time moving past this even though i found out in february huh you doubled your mortgage or you've been doubling up on your mortgage i had to i had to refinance it twice oh shoot what has he been doing

well now he's been trying to rectify the situation by working his tail off and trying to get his account back but and other than this he was the this, he was the perfect guy. He was the perfect partner. No, he wasn't. And I'm old. No, he wasn't. And I'm older. And I just, I'm like, I do not want to have to start again. You're right. He wasn't. And if he's lying to you about this, he's lying to you about other things. And you know that. I really don't though. He, I think I, he swears no. Has he given you a printout of the last five years of this trading account? Yes, I've seen all the information. There's been total transparency moving forward.

And so why are you choosing to let what happened? You chose to stay. And so you've been choosing since February to not move past this. How come? I think I've got a couple sticking points that are better getting to me what are they one is I think I can't get past grieving the life I was promised okay another one is how elaborate the lies I was told are because he was you know he was said he was going to take the money out, but then he couldn't access the money. So that just got crazy. Um, and I just, I have a hard

time thinking that, you know, somebody who really loved me would not do this to me. Yeah. And I'm having a hard time trusting myself. I, I, I think this, that's what was the hardest part. Like I just told that last caller that, did you hardest part like I just told that last caller that did you hear that I just told the last caller when somebody cheats on you which is what he did he cheated on you yes there's the cheating there's the imagining your spouse with somebody else right the actual physical act of him sleeping with somebody else there's the thought of the actual picture of you going to work. Are you going to the bank to plot a second mortgage and him watching you go,

knowing he's got this other account? There's that image, right? Which is devastating. And underneath that is what I think is a scarier prospect, which is Maggie no longer trusts Maggie. Yep. And that's unnerving. Especially at my age. And I've been through a lot. All my previous relationships were abusive. Of course.

And I really worked really hard to go to therapy, get myself right, get right in my head, deal with everything. And now it's just all that's been kind of shattered again. Yeah. Why are you still with this guy? Yes. Why? That's a good question. Part of it's financial. We live together and we have to. Part of it's- percent. Don't agree with that. It's not true. That's a story you're telling yourself for the life that you want. You're willing to share a bed with somebody that you don't love, or maybe you love the idea of them, but someone who hurt you deeply and you're still unable to.

No, I love him. I love him completely. I know I do. Okay. So you're somebody you love, but also somebody who hurts you and you can't fully exhale in your own home What else? Why else do you think you can't? You're still with him

Um I think that I don't want to start over again at my age You keep mentioning your age. How old are you? I'm 54. I'll be 55 next year. So what are you willing to put up with? If you had slept with your friend, would that be enough?

That would not be tolerated. I know this is the same thing. I get it. It's financial infidelity. It's the same thing. I totally get that. Have you ever, y'all sat down and pulled his credit report?

Yep. And there's no other accounts on there? Nope. This was just a one-time isolated thing where he was running. How much did he get and lose? 200K. How does somebody filter $200,000 in and out of their relationship? Does he make that kind of money or did you turn a blind eye?

I turned a blind eye like I did in my other relationships. And that's another problem I'm having with myself right now. Yeah. So are you mad at him or are you mad at Maggie that you went through all this counseling, you've been through hell and back, and then here you go again? Both. Here's the hard truth I'm going to give you because I love you.

You've chosen to stay. You've chosen to allow him to stay in your home and every day you're choosing misery and I would suggest you need to make one or two different choices. I don't feel miserable every day though, but I'm listening.

Go ahead. I'm sorry. You have learned the skill over 50 years of your life to smile, to brush things under the rug, and to take how Maggie feels about something and shove it so far down that you can get through a day. True or false? 100%. Yeah.

The only problem is, as the great Bessel van der Kolk says, the body keeps the score. You can't outrun your nervous system. So while you're like, everything's great and wonderful, and I know where all the money is, and it's all good, and he's still handsome, and I'm not alone, and I'm so desperate to not be alone, I'll settle for this because it's all okay. Your nervous system says, that guy's not safe. Or maybe it's saying, Maggie, you're not safe again.

You're not safe again. You're not trustworthy again. Fair? It's all directed at me. You're right. What happened to Maggie that you think so little of Maggie? Lots of abuse. Yeah.

Narcissistic abuse for about pretty much my whole life. I'm sorry. Parental, then an ex-husband. Yeah. Yeah. And I think, you know, I thought I'd moved past everything. I mean, I'd been in therapy for years and years and years, you know, I left my ex-husband, I got right in my head. I, you know, I did all the therapy I had to do there and now, then this happened. Yeah. The thing about therapy is— And what I thought was a perfect relationship.

Yeah. Turns out to be just the same as the other one, just different, right? Better, but yeah, some similarities for sure. So how can I help? I need to know what to do. What to do for what? I probably already know what to do. What to do for what? I probably already know what to do, don't I? Well, I mean, it's, if you were my sister,

I would tell you, strongly consider taking a break because you haven't slept yet. If you were my sister, I would put my hand on both sides of your face and I'd look you as deep into your eyes as I could and I would tell you, I love you and you're worth more than this. You're worth more than yet another abusive relationship

except the abuse here is with somebody who's kind instead of somebody who yells. He's kind and sweet and loving. And he watched his fiance or his wife continue to shovel the hole to hell deeper and deeper and deeper while he was over here playing, playing leader on a DiCaprio at the, at the roulette table, except he called it Wall Street.

That is nothing I have not said. And you're worth more than that. And I know I am. There's one of two things happening here. Either in your guts, deep in your guts, you know there's other things out there. You know the truth is not fully on the table.

That's one. Or two, you have not fully come back to the table, which I'll say in a kind of a twist is cruel to him. Because if you say you're going to stay, he messed up and he messed up bad. And then he lied to you and lied to you and lied to you. And together, y'all dug quite a hole for yourselves. You are the one who went and got a second mortgage and a third mortgage. That was a choice you made. Absolutely. So here's the hole. But if you said I'm all in, I forgive you. You've come clean. Here's all the information on the table,

but you're still one foot out. That's cruel. It's not cool. You're absolutely right. And I do know that. And believe me, I've been back and forth and back and forth. And that makes me feel as bad as anything else. Well, I mean, feeling bad is not going to solve it.

You know what I mean? It's a matter of saying, okay, I'm going to try for 30 days to be all in. What does that mean? That means I'm going to carry a journal with me at all times. And every time I get a sense in my gut that he's not telling the truth, I'm going to write it down. Every time I get a sense in my gut that something's not right, doesn't feel right, I'm going to write it down.

I'm going to stop where I'm at. Kind of like when I first started counting calories, when I had to get control of my eating. Every meal, I stepped into the bathroom and pulled my phone out to put it into this little app I have. It was so annoying. And it was every single time. And that's how over time I learned to trust my body, to trust what on the plate in front of me, to trust all the things. See what I'm saying? Yeah. I need to see the patterns. You got to start. Is my body crazy? Is there something else here? Or is this part of the healing journey? And every time you feel something bubbling up, say the words out loud, I'm feeling vulnerable here, honey. And I'm feeling a distance between us. I'm feeling a sense of panic. I'm

feeling a sense of anxiety. I'm feeling a sense of... I have one of the old thoughts zooming back in my head, and it's just sending me off into a tailspin for a second. I'm going to go for a walk. I'll be right back. And what you're doing is you're practicing taking control of your body back. See what I'm saying? Absolutely.

It makes perfect sense. It's just hard. It's going to be hard. Nothing's fun about it. But are you convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that he's been completely open with you? A hundred percent all in since it happened? Yes, I am. I am. Yes. Do you think things happened before and, uh, he just didn't tell you everything? Um, I think it was a lot of panic and him lying to himself and him setting unrealistic goals for himself because of the goals he had for our relationship.

I think if I didn't feel that way, I wouldn't be able to forgive him. I don't know if that makes sense. He was trying to do something beautiful and then he freaked out and it went sideways and then he freaked out and freaked out and freaked out and then he dug himself a huge mess? Yeah, that's what i think happened okay that's very um very optimistic of you i know and i know that's very generous but after hours of conversation i have come to that conclusion okay then i think your your decision moving forward is am am I going to forgive Maggie for having missed it again? Yep. Right. And maybe every time it bubbles up, your conversation is not with him, but it's with Maggie. Maggie, we missed it and we're back now. Right. Because I look at the budget every week. I look at our accounts every week he brings home every day he brings home his he brings home his pay stub every week and I see it right you see what I'm saying no absolutely and so I think it's

just a matter of slow learning how to trust Maggie and I don't know a way to do this without writing it down getting it out of your body onto a piece of paper I don't know I way to do this without writing it down, getting it out of your body onto a piece of paper. I don't know. I was talking to my friend, Dr. Stephen Bonner today, who's a coach. And he, I mean, we're just talking about that exact thing. I don't know a path forward unless you get it out of your body onto paper. And so carry a journal with you. Maybe ask yourself, is this about him or is this about Maggie? How could I do this again? I'm learning. I'm learning. How in the world could I get with another abusive guy

that doesn't tell me the truth, that dug a hole like this? How in the world could I go take out a second and third mortgage on my house instead of just selling it and moving to an apartment? How in the world did I let that happen? I did. I'm going to own reality. I'm going to choose I did. I'm going to own reality. I'm going to choose reality. Then I'm going to move forward.

Hang on the line here. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. I want you all to work through this book together. I want you to work through it together. I'm going to send you two copies. He's going to read one. You're going to read one. You're going to read a chapter together as kind of a marriage book.

Okay? The other thing I'm going to send you is Financial as kind of a marriage book. Okay. The other thing I'm going to send you is Financial Peace University and EveryDollar app. It's the best financial plan for getting out of debt, digging yourself out of a humongous fricking hole on the planet. And it's the app that you can share together that keeps both of you all on the same page. For a year, I'm going to send it. It's the one that links up to your bank account. So you don't have to pull the accounts up all the time. You're just going to have it on the app. So I'm giving you the tools, but I want your, your job is to a use the tools and B go get a journal

and start writing. Every time you have a feeling, every time you have a mistrust, every time you have a gut reaction, every time you want to punch him, or every time you look in the mirror and go, you idiot, I want you to write that down write that down write that down It's time to be done talking and it's time to start acting Okay, I want you to call me back in six months and I want you to tell me where you're at How you're feeling what's the state of your relationship? I think personally you're being very Very very generous to him. I think there's other things there,

but I trust you because I'm not there. But man, my spidey sense says there's some other stuff, other stuff, but all good. Call me back in six months and let me know how you're doing. We'll be thinking about you, Maggie. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though, is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past,

it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations.

You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music, you can create

your own personal prayer plan, and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice, and here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it, and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself, and sometimes you do this with a group, and Halo helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Halo, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show, get three free months

when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Hartford, Connecticut and talk to the mighty Nick.

What's up, Nick? Hello, Dr. Deloney. What up? Not much. How about you? Rocking on to the break of dawn, my brother. What about you? That's great.

I consider myself fortunate to be speaking to such an experienced and knowledgeable person such as yourself. And I just wanted to say I'm starting your book. I'm looking forward to embracing its lessons. Very cool, man. And thank you for your hard work. Well, thank you, dude. Appreciate you.

How can I help, man to embracing its lessons. Very cool, man. Well, thank you, dude. Appreciate you. How can I help, man? Let's see. How do I move forward after a turbulent romantic relationship? How do I recover when I feel so unattractive in dating? And how do I give in dating when I felt like that's all I do? And if I can give you a little bit of context. Yeah, go for it. On paper, I'm successful.

I have money saved. I have good, safe home, healthy, supportive family and friends, including two married brothers with three kids each. I have a good paying union job and I volunteer in the community. I work out and I eat healthy. So I have a positive, I've had positive romantic relationships, but the last few were unhealthy. Without using the label borderline, I had a girlfriend of about nine months who exhibited all the DSM symptoms of borderline. Then my most recent relationship, I, of about 10 months, ended in June

and was extremely turbulent. She's diagnosed bipolar one, type one, and around June stated she was very sorry as she was rapid cycling. She was manipulative, abusive, and became a heavier drinker. As you've mentioned on the show before, I felt so utilitarian, and she consumed all my energy. And then since June, she claimed I abused her, is suing me in small claims court,

and she's been doing almost anything she can to make my post-relationship life difficult. And everyone in my family is seeing this unhealthy and perilous result as this could impact my job. And overall, I just feel beat up. I felt like my love and giving nature were exploited. I feel like this extra challenge in trusting woman again, and even in some ways trusting myself. And I feel so isolated, unfulfilled, and partially because I think she's behind me getting banned from a dating website to move forward. And I'm not thriving after all this. And I just feel like I'm alone. Yeah, man, you got your heart broken

and you got burned. Yeah. Like, you're not crazy, man. No, thank you. Like, have you ever done martial arts or anything no okay

I remember the first time this awesome guy named Sonato knocked me out he was a great boxer and he just smoked me

just melted me with a shot with a punch and I slumped over up against the wall in our gym. And I crashed to the floor. And I got up. And it was quick. And I had a bad headache.

And I was kind of just wobbly. Somebody took me home. And the next day, I was out. I don't ever want to do this again. This sucks. This is the worst. This is awful. And then about two About a week later

I went back just to watch I ended up doing a few drills The next day I was back on the mats Doing jiu jitsu stuff You see what I'm saying I got smoked man I needed a break You got smoked man I needed a break you got smoked

you got hurt and it sounds like the best parts of you the guy who you are sounds like you're a giving guy sounds like you're a guy who works really hard sounds like you're a guy who does his best to love people in his community and his circle and there's something

super unsettling when somebody takes that love and compassion and weaponizes it against you. Exactly. You can check in on somebody like, hey, are you okay? Are you okay? And then they say, he's harassing me. Or you go pick somebody up who's had too much to drink

and they say, you know, he picked me up. Or whatever the thing is. And you're just sitting there going, what? Right? I would think if you were ready to jump back into a dating relationship that if I was your friend, I would tell you, please don't do that. Please take some time to heal. Okay.

You see what I'm saying? Let me ask you a hard question. You gave me a whole bunch of really impressive external metrics. Do you like Nick? I, I like me. I think I have good value. I just, I think usually romantic relationships, it just, it doesn't show through, especially at the start. Why not? Why not? Because it sounds like you're a guy that's doing a whole lot of exhausting performing to make sure

that you present the right way. And I just like Nick. Yeah, I believe that other people may have more, I don't know, exciting lives or something like that. Why, why, what makes you unexciting? I, I, I feel like some of it comes from just, I don't, even though I do all this, I feel like I lack confidence. So it doesn't really come through to people. And so when I bring anything I do have that's of value and kind of spontaneous or exciting, it just, I don't know.

I feel like that's not something that's really attractive at the moment or attractive to a date or something. I don't know. Yeah, I think that's a story you're telling yourself, brother. Because the way you introduced yourself to me is not dude. I'm an awesome younger brother of two awesome brothers. I'm a member of my community. You introduced me yourself to me by a bunch of stuff you have and you just a bunch of stuff you've done.

You handed me a resume of you. Yeah. And I don't, when I used to hire people, the resume got you in the door I didn't care about the resume once you got in there I want to know you

and you're walking around with a story saying I'm uninteresting and so the only way I can be of any sort of value in a relationship is to let people know I make good money

I got a nice car I've got a nice house I'm safe and my brothers are happily married and if you were going to date my daughter I would tell her to run from you I've got a nice house. I'm safe. And my brothers are happily married. And if you were going to date my daughter, I would tell her to run from you. Because that is a guy who is coming in so guarded up that it's going to take a long time to get to know you.

And I mean this with all due respect, the only people who are going to be attracted to all these external metrics are people who are grasping at their own straws. See what I'm saying? And you're going to create this dance over and over and over again. Because if you walked into a group of people that I hang out with, a group of women that I hang out with, and we're like, hi, my name is Nick. I have a great job. I have a great car. I have a nice safe house. They'd be

like, all right, dude, I'm out. If you walk into a group of people who are struggling for any sort of security at all, they're going to latch onto that. But if you walked into a room confident because you have a nice home and you got a good job, it might be boring. A lot of us have boring jobs. You know what I mean? My job looks unboring, but most of my day is spent in meetings and reading nerdy journal articles, right? And trying to like write a talk. Very little of my day is actually in front of a microphone or on a stage and so all of us have boring jobs boring parts of our job it's knowing now i put the work in man i'm a catch i'm freaking nick i'm a catch hey what's up my name's nick i like punk rock music what about you but you can only get there if you like Nick.

Okay. What are you into? What do you like? I love going to museums. Actually, I graduated with a degree in art, so I like art. I like rock, indoor rock climbing these days, so I like to be active. I like being outside bicycling. What kind of art do you like?

Painting landscapes. Who in the world told you that's boring? I don't know where that came from. It's absolutely stone nonsense. You have an art degree and you have a good job both of those things yeah that makes you a unicorn Nick

you know what I mean most of my friends with art degrees don't have stable homes and good jobs and I'm just kind of laughing because those are my buddies well and I've read enough I'm a firefighter EMT and so it's kind of laughing because those are my buddies. Well, and I've read enough. I'm a firefighter EMT.

And so it's kind of on the other side of the map. My gosh. Okay. So you're a guy who is willing to go in and do dangerous things on behalf of his community. You like art. You also like fitness. Where is this story coming from that you're boring that you need to lead with your car and square footage of your home

lead with artist lead with i'm obsessed with landscape photography and paintings oh and by the way if you're ever having um congest heart failure, I can help. Oh, and by the way, let's go rock climbing. Good gosh, dude. The line of people who are going to want to date you is going to be down the road. Here's the scary thing I think you need to metabolize, okay? Okay. If you find an amazing woman to date you, it will not heal you.

That hole you feel will not come from the outside. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Yes, absolutely. Bro, you've got a lot to offer beyond your car and job and home. Do you believe me? Yeah, I believe you. I believe you. I trust you. Conceptually. Yeah.

Well, yeah, it's, I think part, partly I felt like this because it's almost in some ways it's as I became more successful on that paper in a way, like some of the relationships, maybe this like validates what you're saying of like, I was kind of attracting the wrong kind of people because I was, I was looking better on paper in some ways and being a higher value in a way. And then it just, but they have a confidence still. And so attracted by kind of the, the people that can kind of latch onto that and kind of just consume. Consume is the great word. They're vampires. They want the external metrics. Yeah.

Because for some reason they believe they'll be safer if the person they're with has a car and job X and whatever. And there's some truth to that, right? I mean, if you have those things, you're always going to eat, right? You're always going to have air conditioning and that roof over your head. Those are important things. Yes. I think I've talked about this on the show, but there was a really important moment this last year when my wife and I had a great interaction. It wasn't great at the time, but it's become one of the most important ones of our marriage and of my whole life.

When she was like, hey, how much I love you for how much money you make, that's full. Go chase these certificates and these awards and these bestsellers. Do all that you want. But I love you as much as

i'm gonna love you and she's like i don't i don't i don't care if we don't get another plaque on the wall down in the basement that says that x number of people bought your book she goes i love you yeah and dude that was hard for me to reconcile but it came down to i didn't so much like me that much. And sometimes... What were some small steps? Sorry, go ahead. Well, sometimes that's getting separate from the things that make us come alive.

When's the last time you painted something? Actually, yeah, it was before the relationship. There you go. Yeah, it was about a year I want you to spend some time over the next two or three weeks painting something beautiful Okay, I can do that I want you to spend some time over the next two or three weeks Hanging out with a couple of just dude buddies With no intent to go get girls

y'all just go hang out go golfing go fishing go to a game go do something okay but tell jokes talk about music

talk about art talk about rock climbing and the weirdos in the rock climbing community. You see what I'm saying? I want you to circle back to humanity. Because what's going to happen is you're going to find somebody that falls in love

with who Nick actually is and the stability that you're anchored into. You're a hard worker. You got a good job. You got a house. That's going to be bonus. That's going to be on top of her actually loving the real guy.

Not just the dog and pony show because jobs are going to come and go. Yeah. Cars come and go. But Nick, the guy who loves art, the guy who works really hard, the guy who wants to be a good steward of his body,

the guy who loves people so much that it got himself in trouble with his last girlfriend, that guy's etched in stone. That's who you are. And that guy's worth falling in love with. Does that make sense? Absolutely. Thank you. Yes. I want you to, you don't have to send me the original,

but I want you to take a picture of your landscape and I want you to send it to me direct message or email it to the show. And we'll put it up on the screen and let everybody see it. I'll give you a homework assignment. You got a couple of weeks. I want to see that beautiful painting. I want you to get back in touch with being still and seeing something beautiful and

creating something beautiful and reconnecting with Nick. Is Nick's worth more than the car he drives and the house he lives in and the job he has? Those things are all important. Don't get me wrong. That's not Nick. Nick's bigger than that. Appreciate you, my my brother We'll be right back Hey what's up Deloney here Listen You and me And everybody else

On the planet Has felt anxious Or burned out Or chronically stressed At some point In my new book Building a non-anxious life You'll learn

The six daily choices That you can make To get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we're back. Hey, it's time for another installment of I'm the Problem. Is it me? Is that how I say it? I didn't know if you were asking me a question. Yes. It's time for another installment of I'm the problem. Is it me? Is that how I say it? I didn't know if you were asking me a question.

Yes. It's you. I say that wrong every time. All right. So. Am I the problem? Am I the problem? Whatever you want to call it.

Let's go with it. All right. Let's do it. This is a short one. This is from Shelby. One of my sisters is separated from my brother-in-law, not yet divorced, and recently started dating a guy who is fresh out of jail on drug charges. Ayo!

He's a recovering addict, two years sober. From pictures, he looks really rough. Multiple facial tattoos, missing teeth, etc. She's upset because none of us want to meet him and are not interested in being around him. Am I the problem for wanting to stay far away from them both? No. Here's let's take face tattoos,

missing teeth, jail time. Let's take all that out. You get to decide who you want to spend time with period. If you're ugly about it and you're a jerk and disrespectful, then I would say you're the problem. But you get to say, I'm not interested in being around that person, but thank you.

And I don't think that makes you the problem. I think that your sister's not going to react well to that. Sometimes not being the problem doesn't mean everything's smooth. What do you think? I don't know. I can, this is one where I can see either side of at some point, if they continue, maybe the has,

the guy has, he's sober. He's changed. He's changed. And I mean, God knows we're all, you know, we don't want to be judged by our past mistakes.

And. Especially Joe. Right. I know. And I mean, you know and I mean you know I love Post Malone and he's got a ton of face tattoos right

but that's why I think those kind of things are irrelevant right if you have interaction with somebody and you're not into it cool

I think at some point if this looks like it might go somewhere you need to make an not an effort but you need to meet the person and see oh for yourself yeah

are you making a judgment but especially if it's just somebody she's just dating I don't think that that's a big issue but there's also there's a deeper issue

which is I your divorce isn't even inked yet I'm not interested in meeting the person you already run around with right

I'm not yeah I'm good thanks yeah and I mean what's the what's the the chance that this is person you already run around with. Right. I'm not. Yeah, I'm good, thanks. Yeah. And I mean, what's the, what's the, the chance that this is meant to be forever

and ever and ever? Oh, this is gonna be forever. I'm sure. You've got a bunch of facial tattoos and Robert's still hung in there with you. Well, yeah.

It's just, with our life and everything, we agreed many years ago that no one else was gonna step into our chaos. Yeah. So we were just stuck. Might as well make this sucker work.

It's either this or nothing. Yeah. Facial tattoos be damned. Yeah. If you ever were with somebody else, they would be stunned when you washed your makeup off and saw all the tattoos

on your forehead above your eyebrow. Are you telling me you lied to that poor guy this weekend at Money in Marriage who asked you if I had tattoos? Oh, yeah. Hey, everybody listening to the show. So great. This guy comes up. Um, we're in a signing line and I'm taking a picture with this couple and he pulls me aside. And a lot of times in signing lines, people pull me aside and like, Hey, my son's struggling with

addiction or my daughter's, you know, coming around or you help with our marriage. Thank you so much. Like really kind things or deep things. And he says, hey, you got a second, man? And I was like, yeah, real quick because we've got a long line. And he goes, hey, man, does Kelly really have that many tattoos? And I was like, dude, I haven't even scratched the surface yet. I haven't even scratched the surface.

When you see the old English tattoos coming out of the back of her jorts that she wears, it's unbelievable. Yeah. It's pretty amazing. None. Whatever. Zero. Just lying to America. Hey, I love you guys. I'm grateful that you spend your time with us. Thank you so, so much.

Hey, if you want to send in, uh, am I the problem? Is it me? Go to johndeloney.com slash A-S-K and put that in the header and send it in and we'll get it out. Hey, love you guys. See ya. you