The Dr. John Delony Show - My Wife Lied to Me for Three Years - How Do We Move On?

Episode Date: September 20, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode My wife lied about going to college for the last 3 years. How do we move on from this? My mom died last year and I don’t feel like I have a village. How do I grieve when I don’t feel supported? I own my own construction company. I feel like all I do is work and it is affecting my marriage. Lyrics of the Day: "Late in the Evening" - Paul Simon   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp dreamcloudsleep.com/delony Conversation Starters Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: family, disagreement/conflict, boundaries, suicide/self-harm, parenting, kids   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a newly married husband who just found out his wife has not been going to college for the last three years, like she told him. We also talk to a young, new mom who just lost her mom to cancer and she's struggling with grief. We talk to a man who wants to be a better husband and father. Stay tuned. What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad you're here. So glad you're here. Hope things in your world are going all right. Good, great, grand, wonderful, whatever. I hope's going good On this show we talk about relationships and mental health

And I don't know why I'm growling, I'm all excited I'm kind of freaked out a little bit But before I get to the freaked out If you want to be on the show 1-844-693-3291 Leave a message And Kelly will call you back And by the way, if Kelly ever calls you,

she loves it. She loves it. When you have a joke ready, when you swear a lot, or when you are, what else? You just start rattling off song lyrics. She loves those three things especially. Is that fair?

No. No. I disagree, um whatever so 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask and what is happening in the booth we have the assistant to the regional manager team back there James is gone we got everybody's wearing purple what are you doing James is gone. We got, everybody's wearing purple. What are you doing? James is gone for like three days and Kelly's cult is already like, everybody's wearing purple and everybody's

going to be in his, what's happening? It's the spelling bee today. It's the company spelling bee. Yeah. And all of the, we're divided up into floors. So our floor is purple and there's a green one and all sorts of different colors. And then at lunch, we're

going to go out and eat lunch and it's unlike any other spelling bee you've ever seen. So in case you're wondering, yeah, I went to college and this is where I work. We have a company spelling bee with matching t-shirts.

Sometimes people think, Delaney, I think you work at a cult. And on days like this, I think you are correct. You are absolutely correct. You'll all look beautiful. I do have a purple shirt on my little desk in my little office area. And I will probably put it on at some point today.

But I just want you all to know I feel uncomfortable and weird. And I just needed that to be said out loud. You all are beautiful, handsome, all the things, but I'm uncomfortable, and I feel like at any moment I could get murdered. So I'm probably going to call into this show later on, just from where I'm sitting. And we have Zach pretending on the screens.

It's good to see you. Oh, dude, you look super afish. You only have one ear on the headphones, like you're some kind of rapper. Good call, dude. Like a DJ. That's incredible. I'm learning how to do this. I don't know what I'm doing. What's good for you is I don't either.

I don't either. It's awesome. All right, let's go to David in San Antonio, brother. What's up, David? How are we doing, man? Hey, Dr. John. I'm doing good. How about yourself?

We're good, brother. How can I help, man? What's up? So I guess I have a relationship question. So I just got married to my girlfriend of five years this past March. Hey, hold on one second. Hold on a second. Yeah.

Anytime somebody says, I guess I have a relationship issue or a question, usually that means it's big. Is this big? I'm trying to get my frame of mind around it. Yeah. Yeah. I'd say it's pretty big. All right. Let me switch gears here.

I've got a team full of purple wearingwearing T-shirt people staring at me, so let me get my head screwed on straight. All right, so we got a big one here. Go for it, brother. What's up? So, yeah, so we've been together for about five years, and we just got married. But I just found out pretty recently at the beginning of summer that,

well, so we were both in school, so I thought, so for like the past three years, she's kind of been pretending to go to school and kind of being dishonest about actually going to school. And so I kind of feel a little bit betrayed, I guess. Okay, so she's kind of been not going to school and kind of been dishonest and you feel a little bit betrayed. So let me back out a little bit. So your girlfriend's told you for three years she's going to college. She's been lying to you for three years and you are pissed off and heartbroken.

Is that a better way to say that? Yeah. Yeah. So how, what's she been doing for three, why has she been lying to you? What's she been doing for three years? Did she think after y'all got married, you wouldn't find out?

What was the game plan here? Yeah, I don't know. And that's why I'm having a hard time, like, understanding. I know she came from, like, a family. I don't know if this is me, like, trying to, like, rationalize it, but she came from a family where it was hard to, like, share things. You're 100% rationalizing it. You don't lie to somebody for three years about going to college.

Where's she been going all day? Is she faking writing papers and assignments and stuff? Yeah, that's pretty much what was going on. And I saw the red flags. Bro, that's a long-term deception. Yeah. What red flags did you see? I never heard of that professor. She's like, oh, no, it's cool, man, just an adjunct. What red flags did you see? I never heard of that

professor. She's like, oh no, it's cool, man. Just an adjunct. What was happening? She would hardly go to school. Like never. Yeah, and it was like hardly any homework assignments, that kind of thing.

I was like, what school are you going to? I would love to go there. So you've known two. homework assignments, that kind of thing. And I was like, what school are you going to? I would love to go there. But yeah, so. So you've known two. Yeah. Why did you go along with this for three years? Oh, well, so we have a daughter together. Okay.

She's. Could care less. Why did you go along with this for three years? I don't know. What made you all of a sudden decide to care about this? Well, I cared the whole time. I just

chose to trust her. She was pretty good at hiding, I guess. But you've known something was off for a long time, though, right? Right, yeah. So how did you find out? I'm fascinated by this. Three years, man. That's a long game. And three years,

it's not like she was cheating on you with somebody else for three years and she could just break that off. At the end of year four, they give you this dope thing called a bachelor's degree. And so it's like this had like an expiration date on it, this scam she was running.

Right, and that's kind of what I had in the back of my head. I was like, how are you going to do this part? And sure enough, when that time came around, so in May, when she was supposed to graduate, that's when she finally came clean. And that was two months after we got married. So she, dude, she played the graduation card, like, yeah, I can't wait to graduate in May, all that?

Kind of. So there's a couple other things that she was making it sound. So she's in the military, and she was making it sound like she wouldn't be able to go to the graduation because she would get something about going to training or something like that. Sure. Yeah. So how can I help, man? What's your question? Well, so, I do want to, like, I don't want to just, like, you know, end our relationship.

Like, I want to work through it, but I'm having trouble, like, for myself, I guess. Just getting, like, getting over that hurt, I guess. Yeah, so. getting like getting over that hurt I guess yeah so let me back out what else has she lied to you about um to me like nothing nothing big like that she has she has what else

i mean they were just say you called me bro yeah i i know so she like i know she lied to her mom pretty much the whole time she grew up, and I knew about those lies. As far as lies she's told me, I don't really think there's very many. So that's the problem, is when you play a three-year con on somebody that you're marrying, even to the point that you are pretending that you're graduating. I mean, this didn't have an end to it. And so what I'm trying to show, walk you through is this isn't a normal lie.

Right. This didn't have a, this wasn't just going to turn into a mist and hopefully be in the past, right? And this isn't a matter of y'all met at some bar somewhere and she told you she was in the FBI. And at some point she had to just come clean, right? This isn't like that. This is a level of deception that feels pathological to me. Yeah. Does that make sense?

Yeah. And that's kind of. Like this is to me. Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah. And that's kind of... Like this is a problem. That's kind of how I see it, yeah. All lying's a problem, but that this is one that felt so long game and so calculated, and the calculation was so absurd.

This isn't... It's a level of deception that feels clinical to me. That's why I ask you, this is an MO when somebody does this. Yeah. Right? And so you mentioned she lies to her mom all the time. Probably about benign stupid stuff, right? Yeah, yeah.

For no reason. And so if I'm you, I'm questioning everything. Who have you dated? Who have you been with? Are you even in the military? Is this my kid? Is this, I would, I would question everything, which then makes it really hard, right? To just go grab tacos one night, right?

Yeah. So when you found out about this, was there, what was the response? Was it like, I know, I'm so sorry. Let's just go out to dinner. I mean, what was the response was it like i know i'm so sorry let's just go out to dinner i mean what was the response was it a meltdown um from from me or like my response both well i mean how did this end yeah it was it was pretty it was pretty rough it was a rough couple weeks and i think like i tried to work through it um and that made me like it took a strain on like my relationships with like my daughter and with her with my mom I was like I didn't like who I

was becoming okay or I was just kind of taking it out in the wrong places you know yep and here's the thing in all this you got hurt and you goted bad, but you can't turn into an idiot over this. Right? You still got to retain dignity and respectability. You got to treat her with respect even though she has absolutely not treated you with dignity.

You still got to take the high road. Is that right? Right. I guess I'm having trouble with that. That's a choice, brother. That is separate and apart. You're hurt and you're hurt bad, and you should be. And you just, man, you doubled down on a woman you've known for five years,

and you didn't know her. Everything about everything, the rug has been pulled out on you, right? I get that. Everything has been shaken like a snow globe in your world. And that's heartbreaking, man. Not to mention mention are you in the military too uh no i'm not okay but do you run with that crew do you all have any connections together uh no so i just i graduated pretty recent or like a year ago and i started working

during the whole covid season okay yeah okay i to say, the added stress on top of what's happening with the military right now, it's tough. It's a tough season, man. Yeah, yeah. And that stuff's going to make its way. How old's your daughter? She's three and a half.

Okay, so you got a three and a half year old, which is chaos for anybody, all that to say. Yeah. I need you to promise me you're going to treat your daughter with dignity and respect. You're going to treat your wife with respect,

regardless of if this marriage doesn't work out, you're still going to be a person of character. Will you make that commitment? Yeah. Good. Thank you. We need you. Your daughter needs you.

Your community needs you. Don't take this out on your mom. Don't take this out on a little girl. Now, I know it's easier said than done. I know that. Do you have some guys in your life that are trustworthy, that aren't idiots, and that you can call and they'll come over? Yeah, I think so.

Okay. You got to let them in. And not in a whining about your wife kind of way, but say, hey, dude, everything, the whole sidewalk I walk on has been blown up. So here's the situation in your marriage, dude. Has your wife given you the whole, I promise this is the only thing, and I don't know what happened, and it just got too big, and I couldn't do it, and I'm so sorry, but let's just move on? Is that what you got?

Yeah, pretty much. I think whenever it first started, or at least from what she told me, she said, like, she was planning on, like, re-enrolling into school. And then, like, it just month after month went by, and then it just never happened, and she just kept it going. And then it just, like, she couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't keep it going anymore. Well, yeah, but. And, like, she couldn't keep it going anymore because she was supposed to graduate. Supposed to end. Right? Right.

So do you want to stay married to her? I do. Yeah. Okay. Here's what's got to happen ASAP. Number one, you've got to recognize that y'all are going to have to pull apart what y'all have and rebuild something completely new.

And I am hopeful and optimistic that there's not other boyfriends, there hasn't been other deception that she's been who she says she is except for this one thing. I don't think that's the case, but I hope so. And then there's going to have to be some sort of marriage

counseling, like starting tomorrow. Um, she's actually, so she's at basic training right now. Um, so I haven't, I haven't, when does she get out? Uh, probably another month or so. Okay. So what you've got is a month to go see somebody and get your head squared away because you're hurting, right? Right. So I want you to start today. Make a call today. There is a bajillion great counselors in San Antonio. You can go to betterhelp.com slash Deloney and get a discount on internet counseling, right? You can see somebody on your computer at your house. I don't care what you got to do, but you got gotta go see somebody and say, I just had the rug pulled out from under me and I need to know what to do next. I got three old little girl here.

I've got a woman that I love, but as someone who has lied to me systemically and pathologically for three years. And what that person will do is help you work through your anger and your frustration and your pissed off and your fear and all those things, and then give you some

next steps. And the next steps are going to have to be a, there will never be lying in this home ever again. Not over what's for dinner, not over what did you have for lunch, not over big things, little things. This will be a truth-telling home. And there may have to be some practice on that. Your wife may have to practice that because I don't think she's ever told the truth. And she may have a lot of personal work to do too, right?

Right, yeah. But you've got a month head start on this and that's really remarkable because you don't like who you've become too, right? Yeah, and ever since she kind of went to basic training,

I've kind of been realizing I was in this, I don't know, just cycle that was just never-ending. And I've kind of gotten a chance to be myself again. I don't know if that makes sense. Absolutely. That's why I'm convinced, brother, and I don't mean to be negative Debbie Downer here, I'm convinced there's other things. And I'm convinced that and I don't mean to be negative Debbie Downer here I'm convinced there's other things

and I'm convinced that you know there's other things you don't want to face it and whether those other things are you've just completely shifted who you are to try to make this weird relationship happen because you have a beautiful little girl and you do love this woman and you finally got to breathe for the first time in a month

and you've been able to go I can't got to breathe for the first time in a month, and you've been able to go, I can't ignore this stuff anymore. On top of the big blowup. That's my guess. I may be way out to lunch, man. And maybe I'm putting dark seeds in your head. I don't mean to be doing that. Something else is here, and I think you know that.

But I do appreciate the one important thing you said. I'm just looping and looping and I gotta do something different. Yes. Yes So glad you called today you reach out to a counselor in your area Or today you reach out to a mentor and say I gotta tell you everything Today you get with somebody that you trust and you say i'm gonna tell you everything because I don't know what to do next And it's going to start with you getting back, taking care of your body and your head and your mind and your daughter and calling your mom and saying, I'm so sorry. I did not like who I become.

I'm going to be different. And then you're going to get some tools. That call starts today. And then David, y'all got a long road of rebuild ahead of you. Can it happen? Absolutely. Absolutely. Is it going to be hard? Yep. Is she going to have to be all, all in? Yep, she is.

You have to rebuild a lot of trust. It's going to take a long time. Is it going to be worth it? I think so. I think she's worth it if you think she's worth it. Your daughter's especially worth it. But you can't brush over this. You can't come back from basic training and be like, oh, it's all cool, it's cool, it's good.

It's not going to be how it works. You're going to have to excavate everything and rebuild it all. You got this, can't come back from basic training and be like, oh, it's all cool. It's cool. It's good. It's not going to be how it works. You're going to have to excavate everything, rebuild it all. You got this, David. Make the call today. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Alright, we're back. Let's go to Kira in San

Jose, California. Kira, what's going on? Hey, Dr. John. How are you? I'm rocking on, man. How are you? I'm pretty good. Very cool. So what's up? How can I help? Yeah. So my question, I lost my mom about a year ago to cancer. What kind of cancer? Pancreatic cancer. Oh, golly. Quick and very, very fast. Um, yeah, very painful, pretty not fun way to go. Um, I'm so sorry. Yeah. Yeah. So it was kind of, it was fast. It was, um, shocking. And then, so kind of in the, so that was also kind of right when COVID was in the thick of things.

You know, so visiting was hard. It was kind of scary. I work in healthcare. So a lot of just worrying about. Everything. Exposing everything. Yeah. So then, yeah. So then, yeah, so kind of in the middle of that, I found out I was pregnant, which was also a shock.

I had been told for a long time that I would not be able to have children. Surprise, right? Surprise. And what better time to find out you're pregnant than when your mom's slowly passing away and there's a pandemic going on and you work in healthcare. Yeah. Yeah. So a lot going on. Hey, hold on for a second.

Have you just stopped and went, whew? I. That's a lot. Try. No, no, no. Not like, you haven't. No, I haven't. It's a lot.

It's a lot. That's a lot. Yeah. Okay, so where are we now? Baby's here? Yeah, so baby's here. Baby's doing great. He's five months old. That's fun.

What's his name? Very Oakley. Oakley, beautiful. I love it. Okay, so you're five months old. Yeah, five months old. My mom, let's see. So she passed away in October. He was it. Oh. Okay, so you're five months old. Yeah, five months old. My mom, let's see, so she passed away in October. Okay.

He was born in March. It would have been her first grandkid, you know, so. Jeez, yeah. That hurts. So March before, so he, oh, so he came just a few months after she passed away. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. came just a few months after she passed away. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so my question, I guess, is just, so now I'm kind of at that point where I'm moving past that early grief, um, like just kind of the shock of it all. Yeah. Um, and kind of just realizing what I've actually lost, what my son has lost. It's like this is the rest of my life. She's not going to be here. Yeah.

Tell me what it feels like to say that out loud. It hurts. What does that mean? I mean, honestly, it just feels hopeless. Just kind of empty. Like, what now? You know, it's like I'll have a question and I don't know who to ask. You know, and it's like questions that I didn't know.

You know, when she was sick, it was, you know, we kind of had some conversations. Like, if there's anything you want to ask me, like, now's the time to ask me. But you don't think of something in the moment. You know, it's like you think of it later when it's too late. Yeah. And you're supposed to be able to text your mom about diarrhea and weird rashes and what diaper, right? You're supposed to. Yeah. You know, and it's like I was one of those people who called my mom every day.

You know, it's like we had a very good relationship. So it just hurts. So your mom was awesome, huh? Yeah, she was. She was, yeah, she would have been a really great grandma too um so my dad is i mean like my dad and i have a very good relationship too um but he's obviously also going through a big trauma yeah um and Um, and hey, he's, he's your dad. Yeah. And,

yeah, it's, it's different. Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't, he may be the best guy in the world. He's never carried a kid. Right.

Yeah. And there's something about like, I just want my mom. Yeah. Um, and kind of on top of that, he had a traumatic brain injury a couple of years ago. And so he's,

it's like, he changed after that. So he's still, like my dad, he's still there, but his personality is not the same. And then after this, it's just kind of like one more thing. So it's just hard. I don't know. Do me a favor. Take as deep a breath as you can and just hold it for a second.

Three, two, and then let it all out. Say these words out loud this is this is and there's a period there oh yeah and it feels hollow and hopeless and after

seven months nine months of oh my gosh mom's sick to pancreatic cancer to hey she's she's got three months to, hey, I'm having a baby to now you've got a five-month-old. And you said it so great. The smoke is starting to clear on the chaos. Mm-hmm.

And now there's this reality, right? Yeah. right it's kind of like you get by on adrenaline and cortisol for a year and all of a sudden you wake up and the tornado the sun came up the next day and the tornado came through and there's no more house and now you're just looking at the yard and like i don't know what to do now yeah the first part of that is that moment this is and that's the hardest heartbreaking you're there right it feels hopeless you love that little kid and you just want to have that picture of your mom holding him and you should have that picture and you're not right yeah so what does grief look like for you right now do you have a

you have a gang do you have a crew do you go what's it look like i mean i think that's part of it is where we have my husband and i have moved every year for the last six years um yeah it's hard when i when i went on my maternity leave from work um there was a like an acquisition and everybody i knew at work quit. You know, so it's like, I go back and don't know anybody. So we're, yeah, just trying to plug in somewhere has been really hard with COVID too. So hard. Yeah. So let me, can I give you a couple of ideas?

Yeah. Yeah. You may have done this. Maybe not. I say this all the time and even I start to roll my eyes sometimes, but it's so healing. If you haven't already, start a 30-day. I'm going to write my mom a letter every day. Yeah. Just you. And you can put it in.

What I would do if I was you is I'd get a special journal. I'd probably overpay for one. Go buy like a nice leather journal. And I want those letters to be something that you pass along to your son so that he can see them. Yeah. so that he can see them. One of the greatest gifts you're going to give him in the future is a record of how my mom loved, how my mom grieved, how my mom took care of me in some of her darkest moments. And it's going to be hard to remember that kind of stuff

in five years and 10 years and 20 years. A raw journal of the season I lost my mom will be a transformative gift for generations it'll be a legacy gift it's one of those meaning making things and in this journal you'll probably be heartbroken you'll probably be mad at your mom for getting sick you'll be mad at your dad because he's different

all those things are going to be real and raw and painful but what they're going to do is they're going to give you right now that's all sitting right on top of your heart yeah and the more you write it the more there's becomes this tiny little distance between that hurt those waves and you and right now it feels like it's all you and it is but you're going to give yourself some space there and then maybe after 30 days you go to once a week letter. And I want you to continue to reach out to ask those questions in this journal. Mom, he's got a weird rash.

I need some help. And you're not here. Right? Yeah. Mom, he will not stop asking for snacks. Help me. Or he's five months old and husband's already like, so are we going to start to, you know, mom. Yeah.

What do I write? I want all that stuff written down. And she'll still be with you in those moments. The second thing is this. Give me one quick thing that your mom loved. What brought her joy? What was her mission in life? Um, I mean, she, she worked in healthcare too, and just, um, I mean, her patients just loved her. Um, she, you know, I still get random little Facebook messages from former patients of hers.

And I think she really just changed a lot of people's lives. So here's a cool thing. As you're able to, and it's going to feel like you're panning back from a picture. The grief right now feels like you're in the ocean and you're treading water. Over time, it will feel like you're walking through a creek. It's always going to be wet, right? But it will feel less overwhelming. It'll feel less like you're not going to make it to the next moment. Okay. You're going to find these seasons of meaning making, these moments where I'm going to write every patient of hers that I ever heard and just

let them know that they blessed my mom too. Or I'm going to begin to make little bracelets. What's your mom's name? Sylvana. I'm going to make little bracelets that says Sylvana Cares and I'm going to give them to all my patients and let them know there's a legacy of care in my family and I'm going to take care of you. Or if you are dealing with pediatrics and you can tell a mom or a dad whose kid is sick and they're scared, I'm going to give you this bracelet with my mom's name on it. It's a reminder that my whole family has always cared about you guys. Right. And it becomes these moments of ways you can honor your mom and make meaning of your mom. And at the same same time this is the hardest one you can

let her go yeah and that will be seasons of taking her clothes to donation places that will be saying we don't need every other piece of furniture that will mean we right as you work through some of those things what are the things that are meaning making what are the things that are important and what are they we're gonna let mom things we're going to let mom go? I'm going to let her go. And that's not a thing you do today. That's a thing you do over time. And the final thing here, please, please,

please, you are exhausted. You've got some knuckleheaded husband. He's probably awesome. I'll give you that. A five month old and a dad who's dealing with his own trauma please do what you can

to get connected in your community you cannot do this by yourself and that's not a thing to like guilt onto you be like well I got another chore to do today I gotta make out with this guy I gotta feed a five month old and now I gotta go make a friend

it's not like that but kind of it is, right? Please go get involved in a local church. Go get with a mom's group or a grief group or a lost my mom from cancer. I guarantee you there will be a group there in San Jose. I guarantee it. Join a jogging group or something, but get a crew, okay? Yeah. Walking through this by yourself is not tenable. You can't do it. You can, but it's gonna be hard to heal.

And we're looking at legacy now. But I want tonight to be the night you go get some silly, overpriced, fancy leather journal or I don't know, if you like, I don't know what you put on things, sunshines or I don't know, unicorns. I don't know what you put on things, sunshines or I don't know, unicorns or I don't care, whatever, some stamped cool leather thing. And make your first letter tonight. And it can just start with mom, I miss you and I needed you here.

You're not here. And it might be a short letter. It might be a really long one, but commit to 30 days to writing your mom letters. If you're a gangster and you're from San Jose, so maybe if you're a gangster, you can read these to your husband. Grief demands a witness. You can read them to him.

Maybe not, maybe not. But if you did, it'd be cool. And maybe he misses your mom too. Maybe he needs to get a journal also. You say, I miss my mother-in-law. He'll only be one of seven or eight people who've ever uttered that sentence in all of world's history. But he might, right? He might really miss her.

Our hearts are with you. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry for the healing you got to do. I'm so sorry that your little boy's going to grow up without grandma. This is. And what's next is, where are you going to shine the light? Where are you going to honor your mom, make meaning of this senseless loss? And where are you going to begin to turn the lights on, find the sunshine, find beauty? We're with you.

We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life.

Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. And we're back. Hey, let's go to Tony in Rochester, New York. What's up, Tony? Hey, thank you for taking my call. I don't want to stereotype, but you realize Tony's the most New York name possible. That's incredible.

Thank you. I needed a Tony from New York today. I'm glad you called. What's up, brother? How can I help? I own a construction company, and I'm having trouble just, like, disconnecting from work and being me. And I really don't remember who I was prior to this.

Oh, man. Tell me about that. Is it blown up? Is it just gone bananas? Yeah, I do very well. I have, there's six of us total, so I'm just always working, working. And right now we're just months and months out. And it's just, all I do is think about work and like I never can kind of be present in

the moment. And I'm struggling with like marriage. I have a toddler. She's almost two. Um, so just hard to like, I remember when I worked for someone else, I didn't, I just came home and I lived my life. And now my life is I'm kind of like defined by my business. Every time I see people, it's, Oh, I was worth going. And I say the same thing every time. I'm not,

I don't know where I am anymore, really. So, man, you're one of the most self-aware men I've ever talked to. It usually takes 15 counseling sessions to get to that, what you just said. That's incredible. I'm in counseling. Okay. I've been in a bunch. There you go.

So tell me about your wife. How long have you been married? Tell me about her. I've been in a bunch. Oh, there you go. So tell me about your wife. How long have you been married? Tell me about her. We've been married for four years. We've been together for, I believe, nine years now. She's awesome? Yeah. I love her a lot. And she told me the other day that all kind of like our issues and like I've changed since I started a business.

And she's right, right? Probably. Probably or... Yeah, she's right. Yeah, she's right. How much do you make in a year? What's your take home going to be? A lot. Over $100,000.

Maybe close to $200,000. What about last year? I think it was like maybe close to two. Okay. What about last year? I think it was like 150. Okay. What about the year before? Probably under a hundred. Okay. What's enough?

What's the goal line here? I don't know. Um, I, you know, you got a picture in your head. What's the goal line? Well, I don't know if You know, you got a picture in your head. What's the goal line? Well, I don't know if I want to go bigger, if I just want to stay where I am. Like when you, I was thinking about this the other day, you open up a restaurant. Okay, like I run a restaurant and this is where I'm going to be either. I'm going to franchise or not going to franchise, like expand. But with me, I can add a crew, take away a crew.

Do I want to go big or not? There's just so many possibilities. Like what kind of work do I want to do? What field do I want to be in? I don't truly know. At first, I wanted to just go big. And when I went big, I got up to like 10 guys. I was like, well, this is a lot of work.

It's a lot. Yeah, yeah. And if you're really good at construction and you're really good at bidding and you're good at managing projects, that's a whole different skill set than trying to navigate 10 crew members and their crazy lives. And are they going to show up and they're late and they're clearly good at what you do. I mean, you're good at it. You're talented at it. And that's awesome. Have you asked the question, what kind of dad do I want to be? What kind of husband do I want to be? And then you let those answers inform your business.

I don't think I've asked myself that specifically, but I thought of that. I don't want to use words. Put a picture in my head of the dad you want to be. I want to be the dad that I didn't have, someone who's there and present. What does that mean? What does that mean? There and present. Those are just like, those are out of a Hallmark card.

There and present. Paint me a picture of it. Just involved with like, just like an actual picture. An actual picture. I'm going to be the guy who picks my son or daughter up from soccer practice. Mom's going to have to get her there because I'm at work, but I'm going to be the guy that picks them up. I'm going to be the guy that has a little bit too short of shorts on, on Saturday morning.

It's freezing cold, but I'm out there watching the soccer game, cheering like mad. And I don't even, I don't even know what's happening. Like paint me a picture. I want to be there for like every big moment of her life. Just killing it really. So listen, listen. If she's going to school or events or anything, just being there and spending time with her and growing with her.

So here's what I want you to do. And I want you to do this with your wife. Because it's going to be hard. Especially, your dad sucked? Yeah, he kind of gave up on us and my mom died when I was like three. So here's what you're dealing with. You're dealing with the right heart.

Not even the right heart. Not even the right heart, an incredible heart, Tony. But you don't have a picture of what this looks like. And when you don't have a picture of what this looks like, it's a lot of platitudes. And here's what those platitudes become. Never enough. You will miss soccer games and you will miss a play every once in a while because you're running a business and you're working your butt off and you're providing for your family. It's going to happen.

And so when you have expectations, like I just want to be there for her for every major moment, that's a noble idea, but it's going to set you up to always feel like a failure because you can't be there for everyone. My dad was an amazing

guy. And every major dance that I can remember, one of my neighborhood dads had to tie my tie because my dad was out doing awesome stuff. Do I regret it? Do I hate him? No, man, he was working hard. And I never for one second doubted they loved me and I got to make some great relationships with some of the neighborhood dads I just grew up in that kind of neighborhood that every like I was getting parented by 20 different parents growing up but it's still to this day like the joke is man I Mike Stewart tied my tie Randy Fox tied my ties before major dances and stuff because my dad was out sick does that make sense sense? So here's the thing. I want you to speak very specifically.

And this is what it might sound like. I want to be a dad who has the entire soccer schedule and I'm going to make five out of the seven games. And if they're on Saturdays,

I'm never going to miss them. Ever. I'm going to pay somebody to be on call for those Saturday mornings and it may cost me a thousand bucks because there may be a pipe that burst on one of the set, on one of the construction zones that we're working on. But he's going to go fix it because I'm not going to miss that soccer game. And then the other side of it is there's going to be some

games I miss and I'm going to give myself grace on those because my daughter knows I love her. I'm going to read a book every night of the week to my daughter. Every single day I will read a book. I will hug my daughter for 30 seconds every day. So what I'm saying is I want you to begin to paint pictures, not use words. Because you, my brother, are changing family trees. You are changing legacy. I'll even dare to say your road is harder than mine

because I had a picture of what an awesome dad looks like. You don't. So you are painting something new. Does that make sense? Yeah, because right now I just kind of, all I know is to provide and I'm trying to provide as well.

Here's what's going to happen. That goalpost is always going to move on you. It will never not move on you because there's always going to be a nicer private school they could go to, or you could get them a BMW instead of a crappy Corolla for right. You know what I mean? Like that goalpost to always move until you sit down with your wife. And then I want you to sit down and say, this is the kind of husband I'm going to be. And this is what this is going to look like on a day-to-day basis.

So in my house, Tony, I asked, and this is 25 years of doing it wrong. I asked my wife, we've been dating 25 years. We've been married 19. How can I help today? What does your picture of today look like? What do you need from me this week? And that's not romantic. It's not sexy, but it's awesome.

Does that make sense? And then I backfill my profession from there. I back work. It comes after I decide what kind of husband I'm going to be. Now, I'm about to hit the road in the next few months. I'm going to be gone a lot. And so we've sat down and have calendar meetings every week. We have done set some dates on the calendar that when we're going to go out, we've got some dates when we're going to, we're going

to go have a weekend together when I'm home for a week, whatever. I've had to put some hunting trips, some special trips on the calendar with me and my son. So we don't lose that. I mean, my daughter, but so I've had to be hyper-intentional about drop, making sure those pictures are going to be that way. And I know it come December, I'm going to be exhausted. I know I am. And that's all right, man. But we're being intentional and we're being very clear about what this is going to look like, what success will look like, and what failure will look like. Does that make sense?

Yeah. draw a picture of where I want my family left to be and where I want to be as a husband and a father. And also where I want my business to be. It will help me those things. I won't focus so much on the business and I'll focus more on what comes first and rather than you will, but it's going to let you when you are in the business, you're going to be all in. So when I'm at work, I'm not worried. Like, Oh, I wonder if I need to come get my son today. I don't have to be all in. So when I'm at work, I'm not worried like, oh, do I need to come get my son today? I don't have to worry about that.

I know exactly where I need to be after work. And so when I'm here at work, I am a thousand percent in. Growing this thing, making it big, taking speaking engagements. I'm going to miss a lot of stuff this fall. I know I am. And I've already put some stuff on the calendar, not to make up because I don't have to make things up,

but just so I can continue to be the husband and dad that I said I wanted to be. And you have that exact heart, if not more. The challenge you have is you've got a bunch of energy going 5,000 different directions. And so what I want you to do is to sit down and be hyper-intentional about, I wanna be this kind of dad.

I wanna be this kind of husband. I want to be this kind of husband. I want to let those inform. I want to be this kind of leader. I want to have this kind of construction. Dude, brother, you could have the biggest construction company in the state of New York. And you're going to have three or four incredible senior associate vice presidents who run things because you're going to go home and get that game. You're going to take your kids to Disneyland. Does that make sense?

Yeah. I just got to figure out what I want to get to and where I want to be. That's right. But listen to me. The key here is don't use words. Use pictures. Because you're going to say things like, I want to be a super present husband. And you can look at your wife and you're going to have a tearful moment. You're going to say things like, I want to be a super present husband. And you can look at your wife and you're going to have a tearful moment. You're going to say, I'm going to be the dad that is always here. I'm going to be the husband that always shows up. And she's going to say, oh, it's so great. And show up for her is going to mean you're there at 4.30 every day. And show up for you means two or three days a week, I'm not home till eight o'clock because I'm leaving the site. But a couple of days a week, I'm at home and we're going to watch a TV show together. And so what a picture gets you is

gets everybody on the same page. So when you say, I'm going to be that kind of dad, here's exactly what that will look like. I'm going to make most of the games or this particular, hey, honey, we got a new building. It's a multi-million dollar project. I'm going to miss a lot of games this year. And that means in the mornings, I'm going to do long hugs. I'm going to do bedtime when I can. I'm going to do weekend duty. See what I'm saying there?

We're painting pictures of what this stuff's going to look like. And that way, you're on the same page with your daughter and any other kids to come. You're on the same page with your spouse. And most importantly, you're on the same page with your spouse. And most importantly, you're on the same page with you because now you're not just running this endless race of just trying to be somebody that your dad wasn't trying to be that parent that you're when your mom passed away. No, I got a clear picture and I'm running towards that. And then you can hit that man. And then when you're at work, oh my gosh, you're going to crush work. Cause're going to be all in. I want to be this kind of leader. I want to be this

kind of boss. I want to be this kind of, when my name, when my company takes a job, we're going to have this kind of reputation because I'm going to lean into that. And then when I'm at home, you can talk to me tomorrow, guys, because I love you guys, but I love my wife and my little girl more. You know, I'm going to have to shake that off. Call Tom. He's on call. Bye, guys. You're going to find out every ship in your harbor is going to rise

when you say, this is me being intentional. What a stud, Tony. You've made my day better, brother. I'm so grateful for the call. And to all the dads out there who feel like they're running 500 different directions, either I just lost the job that mattered to me or my job exploded underneath me. I don't know what to do. And I feel like I'm not being the husband. I'm not being the wife. I'm not being the dad. But start with pictures. Start with this is what it's going to look like when it's enough. This is what it's going to look like when I can breathe. This is

what it's going to look like today when today is done. And then I can go home and put my feet up. It's going to be good. And go tell your wife, today Tony changes. Today Tony from New York changes. And we're going to make new pictures together. It's going to be awesome. Thank you so much for your call, brother.

All right, as we get to the end of the show, whose is this one? Hendon's. So Zach rolls in here. Let me get this right. Wearing his purple cult shirt. And he is practicing as the assistant to the regional manager over here. And he's going to call the shots on the song of the day. And it's a good one.

I do love Drew Holcomb and the neighbors. You're welcome. Kelly, just putting it out there. Zach's not going to last very long, but it's cool. Wow. Off the 2017 souvenir record. Zach, actually, I love Drew Holcomb.

He's awesome. His wife, Ellie, she's incredible. Great songwriter. Good community member here in Nashville. And you did a good job. So you're welcome. Great songwriter. Good community member here in Nashville. And you did a good job. So you're welcome. You're welcome. You should put that other, cover your ear up with the other headphone.

You look ridiculous. There you go. Now we're back. Off the 2017 souvenir record, Good Man, Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors. Song's Wild World, and it goes like this. I don't know about you, but I like to tell the truth, but the truth seems to change every Tuesday. When I watch the news, man, it just gives me the blues.

No one listens just on a mission to hear their own voice. True. Preach it. It's a wild world. We're all trying to find our place in it. It's a wild world and no one seems to understand it. It's a wild world, but there ain't no way I'm going to quit it. Love is all we've got to give away.

Drew Holcomb. Yes, sir. Right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.