The Dr. John Delony Show - My Wife Prefers Doomscrolling Over Sex

Episode Date: July 1, 2026

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I'm struggling right now with something that my wife told me a couple weeks ago, and that is that scrolling on her phone gets you more pleasure than having sex with people. Everything has kind of turned into, like, a transaction. If you go to the store and pick up these things for me, then we can have sex tomorrow. Bro. What up? What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show. Coming to you from Nashville talking to real people going through real challenges. Nothing AI'd here.

Just real people pulling up a seat and figuring out what's the next right move in your life. If you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you. Click the link in the show notes, and it will come up with a form. And that form goes right to our overlord Kelly. Let's go out to Los Angeles, California, and talk to Dean. What's up, Dean? Hey, Dr. John. How's it going today?

I'm good, man. Dude, it is early for you out on the West Coast, man. Thanks for being up with us. Yeah, no problem. problem. Thanks for having me. You got it. What's going on, man? So I'm struggling right now with something that my wife told me a couple weeks ago, and that is that scrolling on her phone gives her more pleasure

than having sex with me. Do that hurts to hear, huh? Yes. Yeah. Very much. And so, you know, I can give some context to kind of our last you know, a few years together. Yeah, tell me about it. Yeah, so we've been married

for 10 and a half years together for 18. So, we've been together, you know, for a long time. And we have two kids, two beautiful daughters. And it's,

so there's been times when, you know, things have been really good, but it seems like over the last year and a half or so, things have just started to fade a little bit. Yeah. And ultimately, it kind of all culminated with that statement, you know, a couple of weeks ago.

Since I've first written into your show, I've, you know, we've had a couple of conversation. And I wish that I could say things could change, but they just haven't. We hit for in a stagnant space right now. So I'm just not really sure what to do. Um, well, initially I've got several questions for her, but she's done on the phone. And questions I would ask her are, um, I would start with, like, physiological questions. Like, is sex painful? Is, um, like, I don't know how old she is, is she's struggling with connectivity. Is, does she feel like you're distant in other places? Like, I would have all kinds of questions for her, but she's not on the phone.

So I want to talk to you. This conversation probably didn't happen in a vacuum. Like, it didn't just pop up. Tell me the context for that particular conversation at that particular time. Who and I had some family in town. And so we were entertaining and hosting. And we jumped into bed about 10 o'clock. Everybody had gone to sleep.

And I had said, you know, hey, You think we can snuggle tonight? That's kind of her code word. And she's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fine. And it had been in about eight or nine weeks since we've been intimate, which is, you know, so it had been leading up to this. But we were jumping into bed and she was kind of on her phone, just scrolling Instagram and every 10 or 15 minutes, hey, you know,

Are you ready? Yeah, yeah, no, I'm not. And so I fell asleep, and it was about 1.45 in the morning that I heard her kind of wrestling around and woke me up and she was just putting her phone down. And I was like, hey, you know,

what time is it? He's like, it's too late. And I said, yeah, but what time is it? He said, it's 145. It's like, man, you just scrolled for three, and a half hours. And I said, you know, I'm awake. You want to do something?

And she said, that's what she told me that. And it's like, wow, okay. So I kind of dismissed it in the moment, but I woke up the next morning and was thinking about it. But I talked with her. She just reiterated the same thing. Is she give you any context at all? Not in the moment.

I mean, in your follow-up conversation, like having a conversation of any substance after 10 o'clock is usually a waste of time. Having it at 1 o'clock in the morning, man, people say things that you say when you're glassy-eyed and you've been staring at a screen for three and a half hours and you're exhausted and there's family in town and all that kind of stuff.

But in the follow-up conversations, does she elaborate at all? Is she trying to tell you something? Um, I feel like everything has kind of turned into like a transaction. Um, it's, it's, there's, what's the ROI on text? Um, and she hasn't really gone into much elaboration. And I've, I've pressed it three or four times, um, but I mean, even just a few days ago, she said, okay, well, um, if you go to, um, if you go to, um, if you go to the store and pick up these things for me, then, you know, we can have sex tomorrow.

No, dude, that's, that's not. Yeah. You know, and I went to the store and I picked up the things, but it wasn't for the fact, you know, if we needed them. Yeah, but you're not a puppy either, right? You're not going to sit for a treat. Yeah. Right?

Like, that's not a, that's not a relationship. It's not a way to live. That's, like you said, that's a transaction. man there's so much here i i would take that i would be hurt by that statement too um and i guess my bigger concern is not that something like having failed me in town entertaining all that kind of stuff it's overwhelming and some people handle overwhelmed by just disconnecting and some people handle overwhelm um by like i want to i want the stress relief of having sex right and so that's just something that every couple navigates but you've got a much bigger issue

you going on in your home. Where else are you disconnected besides in the bedroom? In a lot of things. We're disconnected on finances. We're disconnected on passions. You know, I've recently listened to your 900th episode.

Congratulations, by the way. Thank you, brother. You know, I think in there you were talking about, you know, engaging with your spouse's passions, right? And it doesn't mean that their passions don't have to be in your passions, but you can be supportive and different things like that. And I really resonated with that. But I feel like probably maybe a year ago, some year and a half ago, you know, my wife really got into chickens and wanting to have chickens.

And we had multiple discussions about I have zero desire for chickens. We don't have the space. We don't have the money. We don't have. I just don't like them, don't want them. But she ultimately was pushing and pushing and pushing. And I said, no. But then she came back and said, well, you know, what if I give you these coupons?

I'm like, what do you mean? Well, you know, for every two chickens we get, you know, we get these six. Bro, hold on, hold on. Just, yeah, y'all got a mess on your hands, man. Yes, the alarm, like the light on the dashboard is nine weeks without sex, right, that she would rather scroll Instagram. That's the light on the dashboard, but that's not the problem under the hood. Yeah. How old are your daughters?

Seven and five. Seven and five. Man, I could talk to you all day about having a seven-year-old and a five-year-old and trying to find your way back to romance and to intimacy and sex and to like injecting your life with play and aliveness and what does that mean? What are you into these days? And what am I into these days? And we've been together, you've been together for almost two decades. Like what did we used to like to do that we don't like anymore? Like we could talk that all day long. That's not your issue here. Your issue here is you have a wife that doesn't want to be married to you anymore.

at least in the current iteration of how your marriage is. And it's turning into a tit for tat and it's turning into a, I mean, good grief, dude. You give me two chickens, I'll give you sex, and you give me four chickens, and I'll give you two sexes. Like that, that just tells me, like, y'all are at a place where your finances are disconnected, probably your parenting is disconnected, your vision for life is disconnected,

and of course in the bedroom is disconnected. This is one of those moments, man. You've heard me say this a million times. This is where somebody, and I'm looking at you because you called, and I'm grateful that you called, someone's got to turn the lights on and the music off of this dance y'all have been doing for a long time, and you have to sit across the table from her

and say, do you still want to be married to me? Do you want to build a new marriage? Because I'm not going to trade chickens for seven. I'm not going to trade errands for sex. And I'm saying it that directly because I want you to hear like what you're feeling, the absurdity of what you're feeling is real. Now just for just for fun, like flip this around. If she was to call me and say over the last two years, five years, my husband has dot, dot, dot,

what would she tell me? What would her, what would her criticism of you be? He works too much. He's never here. all he wants is sex, he's not plugged in with the girls. What would her complaints about you be? There's probably worked too much. Is one of those.

And I think there's Joe, I'm trying to say, I guess I would say, I have been very short with the girls at times, and she takes that personally against her. Okay. Was her dad short with her? No. But my dad, we have very different dynamics. And my parents are awesome too. We just, we grew up differently. Oh, so this is almost like a shock to her. This is more of a don't be like your dad.

Okay. Yeah. And is she right? Absolutely. And I've come a long way. Awesome. I'm proud of you for that. Thank you. So here's a. deal, man. This is a and I've had a couple of of these over the course of my almost 24 years with my wife.

Like, the marriage we had doesn't exist anymore, it's over. Do you want to build a new one? Yeah. And I've got a lot of shortcomings and I'm going to apologize. I'm going to put them all on the table. And also, you need to have the courage to say, I don't

want to be a marriage where I'm trading chickens for sex, where I'm trading errands for sex. I want sex to be a place where we play and where we have fun. And if the life we've built together that we've both chosen to build together is so lifeless that you're scrolling your life away. And that you're withholding, like, connection and love and whatever for errands, right? Like, we get to decide what this life looks like. And I immediately jumped to, what is she looking at for three and a half hours, right?

Is she seeing somebody else? Is she connecting with somebody else? Not just because y'all aren't having sex, but because there just seems to be a massive gulf between the two of you. Yeah, I'm almost positive that there's nobody else. But I think it's just, you know, you've talked about what do you want your home to feel? feel like. Yeah. And I feel like whenever we enter, whenever I enter the home, it's just chaos.

Yeah. And it doesn't not make me want to engage. Is it chaos because you have a seven-year-old and a five-year-old, and that's just the way that is? Like, I have a 10-year-old daughter and a 16-year-old son. My home is mayhem. And I kind of love it. But my relationship with my wife is my safe place.

You get what I'm saying? Like, there's a harbor in there, right? Yeah, I think it's definitely stemmed from the girls, but I feel like I'm watching my wife shut down and she'll go to scroll at her escape from that. So I see it, and I see why she's prompted to do that. And I do know part of that other things also, she's pretty good about not being. on her son when the girls are around, you know? Yeah, but here's the thing. You get that same, like, the best way that she can show those girls,

like, give them an anchor point is for y'all to have a great marriage. And so even if she performs for the girls, it's like somebody white-knuckling a drink, like not having a drink in front of the kids. The kids know mom or dad is super stressed. They know the house is electric. They know mom and dad aren't making eye contact and aren't hugging each other and aren't touching and aren't laughing and aren't smacking each other on the butt. Like they know that that stuff's not happening. And she might be able to put her head on her pillow at night and say, I don't have a drink in front of the girls or I don't scroll in front of the girls.

But man, those girls are absorbing the tension in that house. And yeah, I mean, I don't know another question. The question I've asked in my home, the question I know thousands of others have asked in these kinds of, kind of situations is do you still want to be married to me? And if so, what must be true? And I'm willing to do the work. I'm willing to take accountability for my part in this. And I have to say what I want. And what I want is a wife who is happy that I'm home. What does that look like? A wife who maybe needs some support at home, she stuck with these girls and they're just overwhelming and then the game the I mean the guilt spirals like starts right the

shame spiral starts I'm frustrated with these girls and I just want to numb out of my own life and then I feel guilty that I am have two healthy awesome daughters and but they exhaust me like all that happen like we're going to enter into all this stuff um and my recommendation strongly is that y'all put some guardrails on the conversation like we're not going to have it at home and you go head and reach out and get some child care for the seven and five year old and ask i don't want any phones at this thing i don't want any electronics i just want you and me at a table um because we need to talk about the future of our marriage and like we're going to have a hard conversation the marriage we had doesn't exist anymore not going to be married with somebody who wants to trade sex for chickens

and also she possibly doesn't want to be married to someone who looks at her and says no right and so i'd ask you like dude what's the harm of having a small coop in the backyard with two chickens in it. Like, that's not a, that's not a big deal. And so let's, but people end up grabbing power where they can when they feel like their relationship is super distant. Like, I'm going to say no to this. Well, then I'm going to say no to this. Well, then I'm going to say super no to this. Well, I'm going to say super no to that. And you find yourself not only in like drifting apart, but you find yourself in different oceans, right? So here's the deal. Let me know how that conversation goes and if y'all both want to call in i'd love to talk to you both um if she wants to call in we

happy to talk to her but man this isn't i wish this was just about sex and about a couple who's just kind of drifted apart which is super super common especially with seven to five year old my goodness but this is deeper than that you all are disconnected at the roots and we got to pull that old dead tree out and plant something new i will tell you from personal experience it can be done and you can have a marriage that you never dreamed possible. But it takes both of you saying, I'm in. Thanks for a call, brother. We come back, a woman asks how to heal childhood body image issues so she doesn't pass

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It's got to Fort Lauderdale, Florida, and talk to Joy. Hey, Joy, what's up? Hi there, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call. Of course. Thanks for calling. What's going on? So I am the daughter of the toxic 90s diet and fitness culture.

Yes, me too. Me, I mean, I'm a son, but yes. It's great, isn't it? No, it's not, not at all. So I have dealt with body images now for over 30 years. And now I have two beautiful, precious, wonderful daughters that I would love if they never felt less way. How do I do that? Oh, man.

How old are they? Seven and nine. Oh. Are you already seeing signs of it with them? Not yet, but I've got my guard up. And so I try to tell them every day just how beautiful and amazing they are. Helpful, but we'll never hear it. But I know I will, just in a different way.

Yeah. That's the surface level. It's really important. And especially your husband telling them, are you still married? Oh, yeah. Yeah, he needs to make it a regular practice that he tells his daughters that they're beautiful every day,

especially when they roll their eyes at him. But they also need to see... That's every day too. Yeah, exactly. That's just part of it. They also need to see their dad like recklessly in love with their mother. I think I'm lucky in that.

Awesome. Almost gross. Yes, perfect. If they're not going, ew, gross, then it's not enough, right? And so here's the next layer, the deeper layer, is they need to see a mom that loves herself. And I know that one's hard. That one's the harder one, yeah.

Yeah. But I think that like coming off of, you know, a life of seeing things on TV and in magazines that your body isn't the way it's supposed to be, it's hard to kind of reframe the narrative. It's very hard. It's very hard. No question about it. And what I don't want folks like us who grew up in this generation, and I've struggled with Bidicmorphia in my whole, like forever, as long as I can remember, okay.

What I can't say, and I'll ask you to join me, what you and I can't say is since we got this messaging growing up, that this is just going to be the way this is. Like we have to say, okay, we got this messaging, and not by our hand, but in our lap. And by the way, I want to give our parents grace too. They grew up in a world where they had all, like all of us, for all of human history, our bodies are designed for scarcity.

And they grew up in an era where they were told to eat, it was like the very beginning of everything's processed and what you thought is healthy is bad for you, what you should be eating is TV dinners and Twinkies. And so I want to give them a ton of grace too. Like they were on the front end of like the tip of spear of, the human body being told to do things it was not designed to do, right? Which was navigate a wild new food ecosystem. And so not to mention a new media ecosystem, right?

It's just chaos. And so it is what it is. You and I both have to decide we're worth being loved. And that starts from the inside out. I think that it's been a long journey of saying, you know, that all shapes and all sizes are worth being celebrated, not just the, you know, the stick thin or the muscles or whatever that we all saw growing up and that held to a standard. And also realizing that through the stages of our lives, you know, that we've all gone through

different parts of our lives. I've been through four pregnancies, you know, and so holding myself to a standard of early 20s diet culture, this isn't, isn't me anymore. And what do you not like about you now? I don't know. I've always had trouble with my midsection, my stomach area. When I was really young, a close family member said, hey, how about for like your summer goal to like lose your belly weight? And gosh, like I couldn't have been any more than seven, eight years old. And so. Wow. Can I just, can I just tell you? Yeah. That's gross. And I'm sorry that somebody told you that.

Thank you. Like that type of messaging is wrong. It changed everything for me. I'm 38 now. And those voices still haunt you? Oh my gosh. Every day multiple times a day. Same part of my body.

Every day, you know. And so it was just, it's, I remember trying to diet, you know, way younger than I needed to. And just thoughts of people watching my body or making judgments on my body, you know, or even self-judgments. It's just, gosh, just like daily part of my existence. Yeah. But the problem for you is people were making judgments of your body. Adults in your life. They should have been letting you be a seven-year-old freaking little kid.

Yeah. Right? And so it's not like you're crazy. Like the people were judging you. And then here's the, I'll just say it this way as directly as I can. There's a reality to it also. Maybe you're not super thin. Maybe you're not a size two.

Right? And so there is an objective reality to, I'm not that. And the deeper question is, why is that the thing that I've anchored into? And what does it mean to pull anchor from there and anchor somewhere new, which may not be a dress size, which may not be a pants size, but it's going to be a healthy size and I feel really good size. and that gross husband of mine keeps a side eye in me and most importantly I feel comfortable in my own skin. I think I kind of almost went like the, I kind of almost leaned into it, you know,

where I run races, I do crossfit, you know, I'm very, I know I'm healthy, you know, and so in a way it's become a good thing to anchor in but also still a boat anchor, you know what I mean? Tell me about that. Like I love to run. I love to work. I love how it makes my body feel.

I love, you know, that it keeps me moderately healthy. But it's also one of those things where I'm like, well, what, if I were to ever stop, you know, or not want to do it anymore? Or I have to keep it up because if I don't, I'm not going to be healthier, attractive, or thin. I think you added healthy there because it makes you feel a little bit safer. Quite possibly. Yeah. And that tells me you work out because you think something's wrong with you. maybe or you work out really hard and you do crossfit and run races because that's what you get

and i'll tell you dude there's no bigger lie on the planet than that and exercise in running races and being active is super awesome but if you do it because you think it's a punishment for not being pretty enough or not being thin enough you will always live under one of those weighted blankets of shame and not even shame disgust And if you open your eyes in the morning and you say, I'm a badass mom, I'm a great wife, and I get to go exercise because it makes me feel awesome. So I can show up for this husband of mine,

so I can show up for my daughter, so I can show up for myself, so I can show up for the rest of the world. You'll do that for the rest of your life with a smile on your face. You get the difference. The actions are the same. I do. But it's why we get out of bed in the morning.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I see it. That freedom allows you to skip a workout every once in a while to just go on a breakfast date. It allows you to wake up in the morning when your daughters are like, I want pancakes. You're like, screw it. We're having pancakes today. You know what I mean? Absolutely.

Yeah. It would be hard, but it would be doable. Okay, tell me why it would be hard. I think because it'd be in the back of my head. What would be in the back of the head? Tell me what is it? I mean, I think that it would be, well, I'm having pancakes now, so how am I making up for it later? I get that, but whose voice is that?

You know what? It's been with me so long that I have no idea. I want you to write that piece of crap adult in your life that told you at seven that you need to work on your belly fat. I want you to write that person a letter. Don't mail it. But write him a letter or her a letter from the perspective of you, the mother of two amazing daughters. watching him tell a seven-year-old girl that. And I want you to let the rage that should overtake all adults who would witness that conversation and the anger and the frustration and the tears. Let them know you don't get to talk to seven-year-old girls like that anymore.

Because here's what's crazy. That seven-year-old is still driving your life. And she's seven, man. She's seven. She's my daughter. Yeah. and we wouldn't let your daughter drive a car, we wouldn't let your daughter pick out your, like,

what home you're going to live in. We're not going to let our daughter, like our seven-year-old kid inside of our chest, run the game anymore. And this is the, I'm the pot talking to the kettle here, man. This is something I deal with, right? And there's seasons where I'm crushing,

and there's seasons when I'm tired, and there's seasons when I'm frustrated, and there's seasons when work gets really, really busy, that those old voices creep back in. That's life. But my goal, is, like you said, I don't ever want my, like, part of me changing

my family tree is being healthy most of the time, and I want to make sure my kids don't ever get that. Do you what I'm saying? Absolutely. Definitely. Definitely understand that. I will.

I'll tell you I had to go see somebody. Because rarely does that kind of messaging stick with us that also isn't wrapped in other messaging to. meaning did you get high fives for athletic performance or for grades too?

Sometimes. Okay. Usually that messaging sticks because it's also anchored to an ecosystem that says you are your outcomes. Mm-hmm. You know what I'm saying?

I think it was just I was expected, you know, I was expected to be average. And I didn't want to be average. I wanted to be special. Why did you want to be special? Because I felt like that was to prove I was someone.

There you go. No kid should have to prove to their parents that there's someone. And this might be, this might get me, be the final thing that gets me canceled. I don't think everybody should be celebrated. Unhealthiness should not be celebrated.

Every person should be celebrated. Every person's worth being loved. You know what I'm saying? I'm walking alongside a few close people who I love dearly who are really struggling with obesity and they're taking some really amazing steps. I'm not going to celebrate their lack of health, okay? But man, I'm going to celebrate the hell out of them

because they're worth more than waking up every day and not being able to, like, their feet hurt and their knees hurt and their back hurts. Like they're worth a life of laughter and joy and fun and peace, right? Absolutely. And I'm going to celebrate the, God, to the moon, a woman who's given her body for four kids. You know what that comes with? Skin and scars.

Right? Oh, yeah. Those are badges of honor, dude. And there's no magazine that will tell you that. No, there's not. What I've had to do, I'll tell you the two things I've had to do. Number one, I had to go see somebody because the messaging you've received that I've got to, I'll show you that I'm worth being loved.

whatever that looks like. I'll be a size zero, I'll be the top of my class, I will get this job and then I'll get that promotion. That's an exhausting way to live because you're always, you're opening your eyes every morning

to a foundation that is, I'm not enough. I'll show you. And that's exhausting. And to be rude, it's exhausting to those who love you too, right? Yeah. How long have you been married?

15 years Has that gross husband Sometimes have you seen him bewildered Like why can't she see She's as beautiful or loved as I see her Many times Okay So

A I'd recommend you go see somebody Thank you The second thing is I've had to learn that my feelings are not right And that means sometimes I outsource it Especially to somebody close to me that I trust like my wife, like your husband. And here's what it looks like.

Sometimes I will say, is this shirt okay? And my wife will smile and say, yeah. Or you look good. Sometimes she'll say, my goodness, where'd you get that shirt? You look great. Where did you get those pants? And even if I don't believe her, I mean, if I don't feel it, I will outsource my feelings to her because she won't lie to me.

You what I'm saying? I do. And what I begin to do over time is practice being in my skin. Because I know sometimes what I see in the mirror is not reality. You what I'm saying? I do, yeah. It's taking years of practice. Okay.

And I'll tell you right now, I work out almost every day in my life, and I still wear a T-shirt at the pool. Right? Yeah, mm-hmm. still do it's i'll tell you right now it's stupid it's dumb that i do that but you know what i'm at i'm at the pool now

that's that's a thing right all right you gotta be and i used to well i used to avoid that too so it's i'm slowly moving there the other night when my son and i were fishing and now i've got a different world because people take pictures of me all the time when i'm out but the other night when my son and i were at the beach and we were fishing you know what dude i'm covered in shenanigans and We fish pretty hard.

And, dude, the poncho shirt's coming off, baby, because we're in it now, right? And here's what I have to feel. I have to feel I'm uncomfortable. And I don't care because none of these people out here get a vote. None of them do. But where my son doesn't have to think that, I do. Man, that dude, he's got to have a shirt on ever, ever. Like, hey, dude, you got to put a shirt on to go to church, right?

But like, I feel it. And I'm like, I'm going to let it rip because I don't care. And so, man, your daughters have won the lottery, having you as their mom. And by the way, it's not just your daughters, it's your sons too that will pick up body image issues also messaging, right? And so put an anchor in the ground for yourself that I'm worth being loved for me inside out. I'm going to get up and I'm going to go exercise because it makes me have more energy because I feel all. awesome and yes because I look great that's good too and some days when I just don't feel it I'm gonna wink at that guy and he's gonna wink back at me and that'll be our signal that we know

that what I'm seeing isn't reality today but that's okay we're gonna tell those girls we love them we're gonna show those girls our scars and be super freaking proud of them and we're gonna slowly change our default setting to I've got to prove myself in order to be loved to no no no I'm I'm worth being loved right now. And that anchor point's going to allow me to go do some amazing things. Thanks for the call. I'm proud of you. We come back.

A man asks at what point does he know he needs to let go of his dream business? We'll be right back. Almost everywhere I go, I'm wearing a poncho shirt. I was recently out and about in the city, and this guy comes up to me and says, Hey, are you, Dr. John? I said, yeah. He said, listen, be honest, are these poncho shirts worth it? And I looked down at the label of my shirt and I said, well, I'm wearing one right now, they're amazing. I've been wearing poncho shirts for years. I love them. If I'm on stage, if I'm traveling, if I'm running around town, or if I'm out doing yard work or I'm fishing in the ocean,

I'm wearing poncho shirts. Right now, because it's hot, I'm wearing their originals and ultra lights a lot. Listen, they're light, they breathe, they move with you, but they're also tough enough that I'm not worried about. them ever, no matter what I'm doing. And that's the thing. I don't have to think about what I'm going to wear. I just grab a poncho shirt, throw it on, and I'm off to the races. They look sharp enough that I can wear them anywhere. And so, yeah, when people ask me if they're worth it, I don't hesitate. Pancho shirts are the best. Go to poncho outdoors.com slash deloni and check out all of their styles. Sign up with your email and you'll get 10 bucks off your first purchase. That's pancho outdoors.com slash deloni.

All right, let's go out to Charleston, West Virginia, and talk to Todd. What's up, Brother Todd? Hey, Dr. John, how are you? I'm good, my man. How are you? Hanging in there. Excellent, excellent. What's up?

So, I started a business while I was still in high school, kind of not thinking that this would be my career for the rest of my life. So I didn't really set it up going forward how it probably. should be run and everything. And each year, we have our good years and our bad years, of course. I know everything goes through that. But at what point do I know after 10 years of business, is it time to move on from it? Great question, man. How old are you?

28. 28. Okay. So what's the business? Landscaping business. Landscaping business. Dude. Is there anything cooler than being a high school kid, mowing lawns?

I always tell everybody if I won the lottery tomorrow A no one would ever see me again and I would have the dopest lawn business ever That's true All right so tell me the ups and downs Tell me why you're asking this question now Is it financial? Is it are you tired? Is it just not? A little bit of both yeah

Financially I'm married now We're working on year 6th now. We've got a little boy at home. He's getting ready to be two. So like the financial aspect of it, I don't foresee. I'm trying to picture myself when I'm 50. Do I still want to be my own grass? Or do I want to have a kind of a better job or something to fall back on as far as a retirement or something like that goes? Well, I've got a buddy, Kevin, who's a CEO of a loan care company in West Texas. like it doesn't rain. It just like spits from a cloud every once in a while.

Right. And he does really well. And I know the guy that does my lawn here in Nashville, good God, does well. Yeah. And so tell me about that. Because it can't just be the money. Yeah. So, I mean, we do well.

We are best year probably two or three years ago. I think we did half a million. and every year since then, that was our best year, and every year since then it's just kind of dipped down. I don't know if it's the area we live in that people really aren't spending money on things right now because obviously the world we live in is tight. Yeah, that's a brainer.

So here's my question. When things get tight, let me give you an example for my business, okay? Like what I do right now. I've got multiple, streams. I got writing a book. I got an author. I got a show. I got live events in public speaking. And my show has ads on it, but it also has YouTube revenue. Every year, I can sometimes see at the beginning of the year. Sometimes YouTube just changes their algorithm in the middle of the year.

And so what's going, it just suddenly, that revenue stream just cuts in half, right? Or it just falls apart. Not for anything we're doing differently. The show's still growing, but the way they decided to pay out, it just changes. And so for me, I love getting to sit with people. I love it. And so I have a constant conversation with my manager here of,

hey, we can see this thing happening. It's month two or month three. We got to get on the road. Right? And then when I'm on the road like crazy and speaking gigs aren't coming through as much,

businesses are like, hey, we're not going to bring an outside speakers. Then I meet, like, okay, cool. Then I need to sit down. and we need a plan to put another book out.

But here's the thing. I love the thing. I love this little, this ecosystem I'm in. And so for you, if you're on year two of a declining revenue, at what point do you all sit around and say, hey,

we're going to start doing gutters too, or we're going to also learn to do power washing. Or, right? And you begin to expand it. Or are you asking yourself, I'm kind of just completely burned out on landscaping, period? Right.

So that's kind of where I've been, that probably last year. Last year was a really tough year for us. We were in a car wreck at the end of the year. It kind of missed my backup. So I really haven't been able to work as much as what I really would like to. I don't have a full crew this year doing things. And I think it's just kind of that aspect of it as just trying to get used to going back to where I pretty much started. And I feel like we're failing, but I know we're not. But, Yeah, so is there a moment when you transition from pushing the mower to becoming the manager, the leader of the guys who push the mowers? Right. And the guy looking for new business opportunities. And I think that's the part that I have a hard time with is letting things go. Letting things go and actually letting people take over and let them do how they need to do things. I think that's a thing I struggle with.

Sure. So have you tied part of your identity to? I'm the guy out in the field. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So before you just get rid of a 10-year business, something that you're good at,

that provides well for your family, I want you to ask that harder question. Is it ego? Mm-hmm. Right? Is it ego? Right. I used to, when I first started this,

I wanted to see every, like, people who write in, like, want to be on the show. I wanted to see them all. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Right. And Kelly,

and my manager had a conversation with me early on. They said, we're going to take these from you. And I, I prided myself on, I'm going to read all of it. And they're like, you can't. Can't do it. Right. And they're right. Right.

They're right. And now we get so much, I mean, there's no way I can read it all. Right. And that's why. I think that's where I'm at too. I'm a yes man. And if anybody asks something to be done, I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, we can do it when really, we probably don't have the time to or we're already booked up and where it's me it's just me

running the business my wife stays at home so it's just me running the business working the business answering the calls invoicing getting back to people sure all the above um so i don't know if it's at the point where i need to find somebody to like stick some of this off onto or um if i'm burning myself out. I mean, clearly you're burning yourself out. Right. What I would love to see you do is this. If you haven't in 10 years,

and in many young entrepreneurs who suddenly find themselves with a business and suddenly find themselves, like you just kind of blink and you've been doing this for a decade and now you have a kid, you have a home, you got a wife, right? Yeah.

A really important thing, really important thing, is to exhale and to back all the way out. and to say, what would it take by 2028 to turn this into a $2 million business? Right. How many lawns? What other revenue streams would we need to add?

And I'm talking, I want you to be ridiculous. Curb painting, power washing, right? Like whatever, like all of it. And if you're in a middle class, lower middle class area, and West Virginia is really struggling right now. Yeah. What do we get into junk hauling? Like what, like be put it all out there.

Yeah. And then be honest with yourself and say, is there a path to this and what must be true? And that might mean you and your wife sit down and say like, here's a good example. A year and a half ago, I sat down and said, okay, I've been doing research for almost a year now for a year. I'm going to head into what I call book writing season. And I have that conversation with my wife because I'm not unpleasant to be. be around. I just get turned to a space cadet when I'm riding. And I'm going to turn down speaking gigs. I'm going to turn down certain things. And so my wife and I know we're going to make less money

in this calendar year. But we also know it's an investment for the next five years. Right. Right. Right. And so if you feel like we're just scratching and clawing and I'm getting busier and busier, but I'm making less and less money, yeah, that's a recipe for burnout. Yeah, right. If you say I'm to hire somebody at X dollars depending on what your market rate is. And we're going to, as a home, we're going to make less money. But dude, it's going to allow me to work on this business and not in this business. Yeah. Because I like taking care of. Here's what I want you to think of, how can I help the people in my local community? What do they need? They need tree trimming. Do they need trees planted? Do they need flowers around here? And every time we mow, we're just going to plant a couple of flowers,

because that's who we are. Like, what are some things we can begin to do to help the people in our area? And if you look around and say, the people in my area do not need this service that I provide anymore. There's 50 other services. They do it cheaper, faster, whatever.

I'm going to need to transition to a new business and I get to dream about what that is. Then cool, so be it. Yeah. But I don't hear you saying I hate landscaping. No, I really love what I do. And that's the biggest downfalls that I enjoy it so much.

Okay, no, no, no, no. Don't ever say that again. That's not the downfall. Yeah. That's not the downfall. Right? The downfall is your business has reached an apex where you are the, you're now, you are the person that got it here. And now you and your identity and the stories you tell about yourself, you're the barrier to this thing taken off. Yeah, right.

And so let's unplug you from the system for a second and sit down and dream. And you might get a business person. I'd love to invite you to EMS. the, I'm part of Ramsey Solutions, which has the, like, once a year, the whole company opens its books up to business leaders, small business leaders all over the country. They all come. We meet somewhere in the country, and they go through everything. Here's how to do hiring, firing, payroll, all of it, all of it. And, but here's a deal. Like, get with somebody, get a coach, get somebody who can walk alongside you and say, I want to dream about what would

look like to double or triple or quadruple this and what must be true. And if you look at that say it's impossible. Yeah. Me and my manager just did this exercise. It took us a day. We did a whole day. What must be true

for the next round? But, man, I don't hear a guy who's done watching somebody walk out of their home with a huge smile on their face and say thank you. Yeah. You know what I mean?

When they see their yard is awesome. For sure. Yeah, for sure. And you know what you may, this is going to sound counterintuitive? You know what I'd love for you to do? Build in four a week. of I do these pro bono.

And there's something about feeling like I'm a yes man and I feel like you start to get resentful, you start to feel like you're getting taken advantage of. Yeah. Or you find yourself on Sunday evenings at 5 o'clock trying to go finish a job up at the expense of your two-year-old and your wife, mainly because you can't say no.

Yeah. You can flip that whole thing on its head with generosity and just say, yeah, I do four yards a week for free. Yeah. Or me and my crew do. Yeah. And one more quick question. You said you're not running out of a full crew.

Is that because you can't afford it right now? Is that because it's hard to find help? Both. It's extremely hard to find help, good, reliable help that I don't necessarily have to be babysitting all day. You know, that's the hard part right now, but also financially. Okay. We were kind of going back on what you had said offering different services. We have done that in the past and really offered pretty much anything that anybody needed done.

We had a mini-escavator. We got into some of that type of work, lighting installs, all kinds of different work. So this year, I really, really scaled it back to focus on where we needed to be at, trying to get back to... Back to basics, block it and tackling. Yeah, for sure. This is just an idea, and you've probably pursued this, but if you haven't, one of the greatest blessings in my life is a guy named Bill who lives across the creek from me,

and he's got a bunch of horses, him and his wife have a bunch of horses. And since my son was in fifth grade, he has, my son has gone over there and cleaned horse stalls and especially in the summers. But here's what he's done. He's walked alongside my son and given him job and hard work.

Yeah. Like hot, hard work. And every year he sits down and gives my son a, like an evaluation of the summer. Yeah. And then he says next year, here's what your raise is going to be.

And here's why you've earned that. Yeah. And now my son is 16, making great money. Yeah. And, but here's the thing, if you started a middle school or high school program and you told your clients, I am going to mentor young high school students. So if there's anything in your yard that's not done to holler at me. Yeah.

Then everybody feels like they're participating. You get what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not like you're cutting like a million dollar home yards. Maybe you are. Yeah, of course. Where they expect, you know, perfection.

If you tell your clients, hey, I'm mentoring high school kids. A, you can pay them less, especially get them started. But B, you can help participate in this thing. And you end up giving young men, even young women, mentorship. I mean, my son walks 10 inches taller. Because I went over to help him last summer with something. We were getting ready to head out of town. And he said, I got to go do a couple of chores over at the farm.

So I drove him over there. That kid was doing stuff. I had no idea he knew how to do. No idea. He was fixing the ATV. He was like spreading manure all over the school. feel. I didn't know how to do he, I didn't know he knew how to do any of that stuff. And that's because a guy's mentored him for, what, four or five years now, walked alongside

him, said, hey, that's not good enough. You need to go back and do it again. And as his dad, the fact that another man invested in my son, another woman invested in my son, because Bill and Linda, they invested in my son, but also they've coached him. They've held him to a high standard, and they've cared about him. And my goodness, I can imagine having a long care business. where you're doing that for people, A, you're going to solve your labor problem, but B, you're going to end up investing in your community. And, dude, if somebody came and knocked on my door

and said, hey, here's what I'm doing with my lawn service this year. Dude, I would invest in them all day long because I'd get my yard mode, but also I'd feel like I'm investing in young people in my local community. That'd be amazing. So anyway, I'm just making stuff up off top of my head,

but I don't hear a guy who's ready to quit. I hear a guy who's exhausted, who also is dealing with a, marriage with a new kid. And so I want you to unplug for a bit and you and your wife get together and say, okay, we've got a new marriage. We have a two-year-old. We've never had that before. We have a brand-new marriage. I want you to unplug and maybe get with one of the guys that's been with you the longest and y'all dream. What would it look like for this thing? Do I need someone who does billing? Do I need somebody who does processing? Do I need somebody who fill in the blank?

Do we need some old excavation equipment we bought? We probably shouldn't bought and we're going to sell that and we're going to get back to basics. Or let's get back. Back to some of those other jobs. They paid really well. We didn't like doing them, but they paid well. Great, man. Dream a little bit. And then put some very concrete plans in there to make those dreams come true.

Thanks for a call, my brother. We'll be right back. When it comes to supplements, there's like a hundred million billion companies trying to throw things at you. All sorts of supplements from all sorts of fancy companies and all sorts of fancy little bottles, listen, when it comes to supplements, there's one main company I trust, Thorne. I was first introduced to Thorne by professional athletes over a decade ago, and they continue to be the main supplements I trust for me and my family and my friends. Supplements continue to be an unregulated

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Stop guessing what's going into your body. Go to thorn.com slash the letter you slash Deloney to get 25% off your order when you create an account. That's t-h-o-r-n-e.com slash the letter you slash deloni. All right, Kelly, in your sailor's outfit, something cool happened. What is it? It's not a sailor, it's just a navy. It's awesome.

Arr. That's pirate. Same thing. No, not the same. Sailors and pirates, not quite the same thing. I mean, they're on a boat. I'm on a boat. I wish I was on a boat.

All right, so this is from Sue in Hudsonville, Michigan. and she has two quick things to say. So first of all, she saw the video about your chiropractic video obsession. Dude, I can't stop. Which almost got you in trouble. I can't stop. Yes. Well, she suggested you go to YouTube and search Animal Cracker.

This is a chiropractor that does... I've seen that person. It does adjustments on dogs and horses. I felt like I was watching witchcraft. I can't be real. I don't know. watched it. No, it's somebody that's got their cat and

the guy like moves around all mystical and then goes and then it's like oh. Or like this like a bulldog and it's just snarly and like just awesome just a bulldog and then he like I mean I just look at it I'm like that can't be real.

If it is here's the thing if animal chiropractic is real I just have to say as a species we're doomed if that's where we've come to They were cracking horses. Hey, near my house is an animal ophthalmology office. And I just picture that you put your dog in there and then they sit the little thing up in front of its eyes

and they're like bark once for a. You know how they're always like one or two, two or three. See, and I'd like to sit down with somebody in that profession and just ask one question. Hey, what happened? Like, what happened? They're probably making bank. I guarantee you they are.

That just tells you as a society, we have too much money. Okay, I'm going to read the other one now. Okay, go ahead. All right, so she says... But what's your name? Sue. Sue, thank you for share of that.

I've seen it. I'm back to people only. I'll just say that. But thank you for sharing that. All right, she says, I was holding hands with my husband as we walked into the hardware store. Gross.

Inside, I was headed to the gardening center where a woman mentioned that she had seen us in the parking lot and that she used to walk hand in hand with her husband before he passed. So I asked the question I learned on the show. What was his name? And then tell me something great about Larry.

We had a wonderful conversation. Thanks for helping me to get that conversation started. Oh, that's awesome. If somebody ever tells you they lost somebody, one of the greatest questions you can just ask is, what was their name? What was something awesome about him? And I'll tell you, on occasion, I've been like, what's something awesome?

And they'll say, nothing. He was the, like, and buckle up. But 99 times out of 100, you just watch this wave come over somebody of, they smile real big and they'll say something. great. So that's awesome. Thank you so much, Sue. You're awesome. Stop watching animal carpracting videos. That's all I've got to say. Love you guys. Bye.