The Dr. John Delony Show - My Wife Refuses to Take My Last Name

Episode Date: May 11, 2026

🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app.   On today’s episode, we hear about:    - A man whose wife won’t take his last name - A woman feeling like her husband left her out of a major medical decision - A husband struggling to deal with his wife’s depression Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors:    ·       Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. ·       Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. ·       Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   ·       Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  ·       Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. ·       Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  ·       Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! ·       Explore Poncho Outdoors! ·       Head to Shady Rays and use code DELONY for 40% off two or more polarized sunglasses.  ·       Get 25% off your order at Thorne.   ·       Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today.   Explore More From Ramsey Network:   🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights  🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an ad for BetterHelp. May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and the stress you keep pushing down is showing up in your relationships and your health. If you need to talk to a licensed therapist, make today the day. Go to betterhelp.com slash Deloney for 10% off. She didn't take my last name when we got married.

Now we're expecting our first kid. And I've tried to have the conversation with her about, like, hey, just her last name. And she's like, well, I really want to maintain my name with like the political climate, this, that and the other. Like, there's some, like, voting things that she's concerned about. if she has to change her last name. What?

What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show. Welcome back. Welcome for your first time. However you showed up here, however long you've been here, I'm glad you're here.

Talking about your mental and emotional health, your well-being, your relationships, your marriages, your kids, whatever you got going on, pull up a seat, and we're going to figure out what's the next right move.

If you want to be on the show, I don't answer questions and things on social media. I answer them live. Real people talking to other real people. Click the link in the show notes if you want to be on the show, and it will get you here. All right, let's go to Glenn in Dubois, Pennsylvania. Hey, Glenn, what's up?

Hey, Dr. John. How you doing? I'm good, my man. What's up, dude? So I don't know how to really have this conversation with my wife. We've tried to have it a few times over, where, like, So she didn't take my last name when we got married. Why not? We kind of agreed to that beforehand that we were like, hey, she's trying to get into law school. So until she gets to law school, because she got our bachelor's before we were married,

just so that everything carried over with her maiden name. And then she said, once I get into law school, I'll change my name. And then she got into law school, and it hasn't happened. We're going on two years into law school. It hasn't happened. And now we're expecting our first kid. And I've tried to have the conversation with her about, like, hey, just her last name. And she's like, well, I really want to maintain my name with like

the political climate, this, that and the other, like, there's some like voting things that she's concerned about if she has to change her last name. What? She'll lose out on rights is her concerned that way. But I'm not sure how to address really focusing on the, uh, our child because it's our first kid is coming. Like, how do I have the conversation with her? Hold on, like, don't put this on your kid. This is, this is in your chest. Okay. Like your kid is surfacing an issue, but let's don't make it the kid's fault. Let's own it between you and her. Y'all made an agreement and she broke the agreement.

And she says she didn't. She's like, I never promised that. But I don't know how to- What political stuff is she talking about? There's rumors on the right about, hey, when you go to vote, your birth certificate has to match your ID. And if you've been married, your ID no longer matches your birth certificate because you change your name when you got married. And so the people on the right are saying that, hey, they're trying to take away women's rights to vote.

And so I'm not going to make that argument at this point. I've kind of let that ship sail at this point. But I'm not sure how to like address that with like, hey, our kid's about to come into the world, our first baby. Are we giving her my last name? Are we giving her your last? Or what are we doing it? Because, like, I'm already getting the side eye from people that find out that she has a different last.

My name that me and we've been married for five years. Yeah. Like, I don't know where to go with that with our own kid. Like, it, like, does my name not worth that, you know? She's sticking to her family's maiden name. And I'm like, well, what about my name carrying on? Yeah What does she say

I'm so sick of both political camps being so insane So insane So insane so insane so insane I don't you I don't know what to say And here's the thing My first reaction is There's no way someone's trying to take away women's right to vote

But you know what? I can't logically say that anymore Because they're probably freaking is right there probably is there's so many things that I said there's no way that they're going to do that and then these things have happened yeah that's exactly right so

the reasonable lecture dude and and the conspiracy theories run amok I mean like so I'm trying to separate like the political side and just focus on like hey this is like between you and I Like our whole thing.

And yes and yes. Here's the thing. Whenever I feel like I feel right to second, which is I just want to pull all my hair out and go screaming into the night. And it's the daytime here and I want to go screaming into the night because evidently I can make up what time of day it is now. You know why? Because there's no such thing as a fact anymore. Here's the thing.

I double down, triple down, quadruple down on what I can control. and I married my wife and if her and I together ride or die have to face some political side on the right or the left or some new thing that call it from AI and we have to choose I choose her

right 100% the way you've rolled out this story is your wife doesn't has some ideological reason for not wanting to take a man name. And she's going to keep giving you another excuse and then another one and then another one and another one. And so I think drilling down to the bottom of this thing, right? Because first it was, well,

entry into school. Then it was, well, entry into like, I need to graduate and then I need to get to the bars. It's going to be a pain in the butt to change. And now it's, well, there's this rumor that they're trying to take away women's rights to vote in Pennsylvania, right? Like, it's always And dad has only daughters. And so that's another one she's used. There you go. So it's going to be an, exactly. And so getting to that, hey, is the real move here you want your family name to carry on?

Is that what we're doing here? Because like have the, it just all this theater and all these proxy conversations and excuse after excuse, we got to drill down to the bottom thing. And it might mean you forcing the issue and are always dignified, always respectful, be the man you want to be, regardless of how she's responding I'm going to be a person of character and integrity but is your main goal here I'm going to push this issue and we got to solve it I need you to look me in the eye and say I will never do this ever

and that way I can make my grown-up decision whether I'm going to stay in this thing or I'm going to say I feel like from from the outset you've not been telling me the truth for this many years yeah right but I need you I need you to I need you to be fully

transparent with me. Because my bigger concern is what else is on the fringes and margins of your marriage that are just like, I'll talk about that later. Well, I'll think about that later. And you're feeling like I'm trying to grab on.

I'm trying to hold, hug, love this person and I feel like I'm just grabbing a vapor because she's dodgy. She keeps moving. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And I think you have to have the courage to be clear and say, I want my child to have my last name.

A big conversation. I just, I really don't know how to even start it. I know, but you're not being honest with her if you don't say that. Yeah. Because that's what you believe. Yeah. And you want to put it on her and you want to put it on your kid now. I want you to take ownership with her and say, I want to have my child have my last name.

And she can say, I want my child to have my last name. Well, then now you'll have to deal with this thing. But right now you're dealing in abstractions and, moving parts and excuses and conspiracy theory. Like, you see what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. Let's get to the thing beneath the thing, beneath the thing. Where else does your relationship with her feel slippery?

We, there's something like, as soon as I finally, the light turned on for me that I was like, you know what, I really need to pull the trigger and marry this girl. It has, there has been like zero anything. Like it's been, I've never been happier in my life. Even if I lost my job tomorrow, I'd still be the happiest I've ever been in my life. Like, she has been like the best thing that has brought more joy into my life and help me to see like, oh my gosh, those things don't matter in my life. And so like, this is like the one thing that I'm like, ah, it still grinds on me. But it's like the only thing.

And so everything else is just in the back burner. Okay, say that to her exactly as you just said that to me. what you just said is poetry brother but if you go if because she's given you so much light in your life and because she has helped you see things and because she is helping you in a day by day basis become the man you want to become and you're doing that for her helping her become the woman she wants to become that's a world-class right or die marriage but in the process of doing that if you start hiding things that matter to you to keep that piece, your insides will turn to ash. And so being able, looking her in the eye and say, you have given me new life. You've given me

light. You've taught me things. You've shown me things. I know that you love me till the end of time. And I want my child to have my last name. Be it tradition, be it faith, be it any, just because. I just want to say it out loud. This is what I want. And I want to hear what you want. Because here's the thing, Glenn, that conversation, it's a coming. A nurse in a hospital is going to hand you all a birth certificate. And one or both you can have to sign it.

I forgot how it goes. That conversation's coming. Have it now. Yeah. Especially when you're, I could tell how much you love this woman. Does she love you this much back? I would be astounded if she didn't. Okay. If I was talking to her and I was like, do you like this guy?

Would she say things like you just said about her? I would think so, yeah. Okay. In her own way, of course. Of course. She's a law student, of course. Yeah. I spent my career with law students.

I get it. I think a part of being fully you is being fully honest. I guess I'm curious as to why you're scared to say that out loud. It does happen, and it gets beyond like a point of like making any sort of progression. She just shuts down. Okay. And it just doesn't progress anymore. And then I'm like, okay, now we have to readdress this.

But she shut down in a way that we can't say, hey, let's come back to this in a week, a day, an hour, whatever that might be. And that's where I'm struggling is like, okay, I don't want her to shut down. I want to actually like work through this conversation because like my argument style is we're going to keep going until we find a solution or a compromise. Okay. And she's just like, no, we're done and I'm off. All right. So one of my rules for conflict is, it's your job to speak in a language your spouse can hear.

And so what if you tried this? Because I'm a withdrawer and my wife is a shutdowner. And the few times we've had to have either or conversations in our marriage, like both of us have called out before the conversation, we both need to stay at the table on this one. And a couple of times I have said, here's what I want. Here's Owen talk about. And I'm going to give you, like, you tell me 24, 48 hours, we're going to have this conversation. And my wife graciously has said, okay, we'll do it on Wednesday. And it's Monday when I'm talking to her. And so you telling her, here's the deal. I got us dinner reservations on Wednesday.

That way you can get out of class. You can still study for a hundred. 111 hours like law students do every night and we're going to dinner. I want to take you to dinner. And here's the conversation I want to have. I want to have, I want my child to have my last name. And I know that's a huge thing. And so I want to give you a couple days to think about it. And if Wednesday's not good, we can go Friday.

I made a reservation on that night too. Right? Yeah. But I'm going to give you a couple days. And that way you can metabolize it. Get your response. And then we're going to come. and we're going to have that conversation.

Okay. And I'll put the onus on you to have the conversation in a way she can hear it. And the way you've tried in the past, we're just going to keep hammering away at this thing until we solve it. That's not working. And so let's say, cool. I'm just, at some point you become that, the American in the Mexican food restaurant and the waiter comes up and says something in Spanish. And you say, I want two burritos.

And they say, okay. and they respond back in Spanish and you're like, I said, I'm going to talk louder and slower and still in English, right? Yeah. Like at some point, all right, I'm going to talk in different language then.

All right. And if she won't have the conversation, that in and of itself is something you'll need to address. Because, man, you think naming a kid is tough. Every decision after this just gets harder and harder and harder. I'd love to be a fly on the wall in your house

and you'll have the vaccine conversation, when you all have the school conversation, when you have the religion. I mean, all those things are common, man. So coming up with a way we can learn together to be on the same team when we tackle a problem

that's on the other side of the table and it doesn't become you versus me, it becomes us versus this problem. Yeah. And the problem here is the baby's name. We're on the same side. I want it to be my name. I want it to be my name.

How are we going to solve this problem? Because we're going to have a million of these over the course of our marriage. You know what I'm saying? I think so. Yeah. I feel like I just hit you. It's going to be a lot of thought to try and recalibrate from the beating it into the ground until it's worked out versus trying to speak her languages.

But do you see how both of those solutions are within you? Yeah. Absolutely. Okay. What do you do for a living? I fix printers. Okay. Why did you say it like that?

Well, I was thinking about giving you a similar but fake job. Oh, okay, gotcha. I thought you were like, you're not, don't apologize. Like, dude, they'll take my job before your job, right? You've got some runway on your job. Yeah. That's rad, dude. But say that you are repairman with your head held high.

The world needs you, okay? Yeah. Cool. And if your job is, I'm going to stay at this printer until I solve this problem, just know that often the things that make us good at our job are the exact same things that really cause rifts in our relationships. Her skills as an emerging lawyer are going to make her really hard to argue with sometimes. I already know. Yeah, I know. And your commitment to, I will solve this problem before I take my gear and go home. will also cause problems.

Yeah. Right? And so it's like, I'm so good at this skill set over here, and I look at problems just over here. She's not a problem. We together have a problem, and the problem is,

what's that baby's name going to be? And I want it to be this. Yeah. And that birth's coming. We need to have an answer really quick, pretty soon. Yeah, we do. So.

Got a few months left. Bro, you're going to sneeze, and those months are going to be here. So it comes quick, man, and you're in for the ride of the lifetime. I'm jealous of you because I missed those months with being so anxious and being so busy and so I'm jealous of you. I wouldn't go back, but I'm jealous that you're in that excitement. What are we going to do?

How's this all going to play? I get all that's awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome. And by the way, do some, I hesitate to say this. I do my own research. but do look into the ID versus the birth certificate versus getting married I've got some very liberal friends and I got some very conservative friends you're the first person I'm hearing that they're trying to take away a woman's right to vote but you know what they just might be and that's wild to me and insane but who knows

anymore but do dig some digging into that and that way we're not making big decisions based on rumors, on social media, on conspiracy theories. We're making informed decisions based on data, on truth, wherever it still remains. Thanks for a call, my brother. I'm grateful for you. We'll be right back. All right, you know what time it is. It's time to talk about poncho shirts, my favorite.

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That's montana knife company.com. They're the best knives on the planet, period. Let's go out to Los Angeles, California, and talk to well, well, well, I'm Michelle. What's up, Michelle? Hi. Hi, Dr. John. How's it going?

Thanks for taking my call, and thanks for what you do. Well, thank you for calling. I'm really grateful you're here. What's up? Oh, so I've been married to my husband for over 20 years. and my husband is very close to his brother. Okay. And his brother is currently facing serious health issues,

and he's needing kidney transplant really soon. And so the thing happened was my husband and his brother decided to be potential kidney you know, doing donation between then without confirming myself or family. Ah, okay. And I understand

and his respect and, you know, the willingness to his to help his brother. However, I was, I'm very upset about how this decision has been handled. Because you were left out of it?

Correct. And I felt so, I just got emotionally disconnected right away when he told me. And I expressed my concern. My husband's response was, his relationship to his brother is over 40 years, which is more than our marriage. It takes priority. I was I was really I don't know how to explain it but I was really sad and hurt my feeling

yeah yeah that's yeah he didn't say that in a good way right if he had called into my show and him saying I want to help my brother

in fact I've decided I want to do this and I I it's my body I want to do with what I want with my body and I need help communicating this to my wife. I would not have said, tell her your brother's more important.

I would, yeah, he didn't say that in a good way. Do you believe in your guts? You've been with him for two decades. Do you believe that he believes that? Or do you believe he said that? So, he didn't say that in a good way. He is out of town right now for work. Okay.

And this conversation happened when he, I mean, when we are apart. Was it via telephone or was it text message? Over the phone. Okay. This happened over the phone. Okay. And then after this conversation, we didn't talk to each other two weeks, which happened two weeks ago, exactly two weeks ago.

And then I just wanted to make sure, are you still feeling the same way? Or is this, was that really true? You told me, like, your brother's priority. He said, no, I didn't mean that way, but I'm still struggling. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Yeah. So before I dig in here, I don't want to be presumptuous, okay? Okay.

Tell me what your husband's ethnic and cultural heritage is. Like how he glue up? Well, no, you don't even have to answer that. I just want to different cultures have different relationships. Like the weight of the relationship has different meanings, right? So a traditional white American listening to this might not understand. And my brother, that's my dumb brother. Whereas folks from other cultures like, no, no, no, my brother is an extension of me, right?

And so is there a cultural aspect to this that would be different than what I might consider my relationship with my little brother? I think, I'm believing it coming from their childhood. So they grew up really harsh childhood, being abused. by multiple steps. Okay. So, like, they survived together, that kind of bond. Okay, so in many ways, they're one. Right.

Okay. Okay. And so that's super helpful for me. So here's what I want to do, if it's okay, is I want to untangle this a little bit. Okay. Okay? because I don't want to put words in your mouth

so stop me at any time I'm wrong, okay? Okay. But there's issue number one, which is, I love my husband with all I've got, and this scares me that he's going to undergo this surgery. I'm worried about the man that I love, his health, his well-being, how he's going to be, if he's going to be okay.

That's number one. Yes. Number two issue is you made a decision that is going to impact our entire family. And you didn't even, you didn't even bother to talk to me. That's number two. Number three is,

in an emotional exchange via the telephone, he said something in a pretty stupid way that really was like a knife to your chest. Mostly one and two. Mostly one and two. One and two. Okay. I know how he,

He is, I mean, we've been together for over 20 years. You know, there's no perfect relationships always, you know, go back together. The fact that he said something like really hurtful, he said something dumb. Yes. When you talk, when you call them out on it, he was like, no, no, that's not what I meant. I didn't mean it like that. But you believe him when he said, I was, I spoke out of frustration or anger or exhaustion or whatever. It's not what I mean.

And you believe him when he says that, right? I did that time. Okay, okay, okay. And it's been in my head, full, like quite a while. So let's deal with the health part, okay? Uh-huh. The health part, is my husband going to be okay? I think you're right to be worried and concerned.

I would think something was weird if you weren't. Okay? Right. Like, so that concern and worry, that's very super real. Mm-hmm. And my guess is you married him because he's the kind of guy

that if you're in his inner circle he'll give up an organ for you. I believe so. Like that's one of the things you love about him, right? That he is ride or die in the realest sense of the word, right? He's a great guy. But like... He's wonderful.

Okay. And so the second thing here is how do we navigate it's your body and you can do what you want and like so let's say he called me on the phone and said my wife is getting a hysterectomy she's got a lot of pain, a lot of struggles, whatever

and she wants to make this decision I would ultimately end with it's her body brother and so on the flip side it's his body right but do you all have the kind of relationship where you can say

I would prefer you to not do this and but I'm going to be in full support and love you. You get what I'm saying? Like I want to say what I need to say. And I want you to know I'm going to be right next to you with whatever you decide to do. And he can say, I want to do this with my body. And I also will love you even though you're scared and frustrated with me. You get what I'm saying?

That's the thing beneath the thing, beneath the thing here. And so you're right to be frustrated that you weren't concerned. Like he even talked to you about it didn't say hey I'm thinking about doing this. What do you think? Man, I totally get that totally. Yeah. And I don't want to spend time fighting proxy wars, right? Like focusing on the kidney. The real thing is, hey, I love you with all I am and I know you love me with all you are Your unilateral decisions affect all of us and I would like I need to be a part of those at least the conversation part of it. You get what I'm saying? Yes. Can he hear that?

Yes. Okay. Yes. You exactly got it. Tell me about what's going inside your heart and spirit right now. I just felt so excluded. Yeah. And then I talked to my grown children, our grown children about this too.

And they're on my side. they believe that that that should talk to all of us what to expect or what might be possible or worse come worse you know post procedures sure and he I mean they didn't talk to us none of those yeah and so yeah I just did a Google everything yeah okay so don't do that don't do that Right. Here's an avenue back together. Because I want to be compassionate to his side, which is this. When he heard from his brother,

his brother that has literally been arms locked with him through multiple layers of hell. Right. Right. Right. Right. And when he heard his brother needs a kidney, That wasn't a thing he needed to think about.

Right. Right? That was a decision. So I can see his thinking. I'm not asking anybody. I need to talk to anybody about this. This decision is made. So I think for you being able to say,

I know you love your brother. I know this is happening. The story I made up in my mind, when you just announced this was happening without even letting, I didn't even know this was going on. The story I made up is you don't care about me. Right. The story I made up is you don't care how this is going to impact all of us.

Right. And that makes me feel small and sad and left out. And I'm your wife. Right. Exactly. That's how I felt. Okay. So instead of saying you made me feel like this,

because if you start pointing your finger and say, you made me, well, now you're saying you choose between that brother and me. And that's not really the issue here. Right. The issue here is, I married you, I love you because you're that kind of guy, and I'm your wife. I want to be a part of these conversations. I want to sit with you. I want to hold your hand.

I want to call out things you might not be seeing because you're blinded by just pure, unadulterated loyalty. Right? Like, I want to call some of the stuff out, right? And you saying, I made these stories up, this is how I feel, gives him a chance to say, oh, honey, that's not, that's, I'm sorry, or I didn't mean to say it like that, or I, you're right, I should, like, it gives him an opportunity to come in there. He doesn't have to just immediately defend himself, right? Oh, okay. And here's, here's the big thing I want you to take away from this call, okay? I want you to use these words. Here's how you can really love me and the kids moving forward. Okay. You can talk to us about the medical procedure, the recovery, the risks, the complications, because, we're all in this with you.

Okay. When you're in the hospital recovering, my heart's in there too. Okay. Right? And give him a path to reestablishing trust with you and reestablishing trust and doing what he can in a scary situation to at least we're going to go through the facts of what is going to happen and what potentially might happen. Okay.

Okay. Does that sound good? Yes, sir. based on what you're telling me he sounds like the kind of man who's going to want to really love his wife well is that fair he's wonderful okay okay okay okay and when this is all over and y'all are hugging and you're probably having maybe him too i want i want you to step back and look at him and put your forehead on his forehead and tell him if you ever tell me your brother's more important than me you better watch out.

You okay? I want you to like, like let him know, hey, that was mean. And he'll say, again, I'm sorry,

right? Yeah. I mean, I understand. Like, I mean, their bond is like unbreakable.

Sure. Like when we have our family gathering together, like you can get in. Yeah. Yeah, they just go back to their childhood together right away. Yeah. Yeah.

So I respect it. I let them. But this time was not acceptable. Got it. And let me paint a weird picture for you, okay? Uh-huh. When you get married to somebody, y'all are creating an exclusive club that only has two members.

Right. And he has another exclusive club with his brother. Yes. Right? Exactly. And that's okay. Yes. But when he married you,

he chose to step out of that club and create one with you. I believe that. Okay. Yes. And so he will always have that bond with his brother. Yes. But he chose you.

Right. And so I want you to hear me say, you're not crazy. And forcing him to choose, like, well, you can't, you can't ever have those memories and you can't have that connection with him. That's silly, because that's part of him, right?

Right. But, when he goes into Brotherland and they go back and they start telling old stories and bonding, he can still hold your hand. Right. Right. Right. Or when you see him heading down that path again, you can grab his hand.

Okay. And sometimes a great, great wife sees their husband heading down dark memories, dark paths, and just a hand on the back of their neck, just a hand on the inside of their arm, just a hand grabbing their hand, keeps them rooted in the present, keeps them alive and well and whole today. You know what I'm saying? Yes, sir.

Awesome. Thank you for sharing that. We'll be thinking about you guys. When's the surgery? It's not a schedule to yet. Okay. Yes. Okay.

But, yeah. So let's get as much data and facts as we can moving forward. And, but couch it under this. Here's how you can love me moving forward. And I'm going to be right here by your side. I'm not going to make you choose. It's your body. If you choose to do this, just no, I don't like it because I'm worried about the health

of my husband. But I'm going to be right here. But the way you can love me is let's get every piece of information. I want to go to the doctor appointments with you. I want to hear the recovery schedules with you. I want to be in this with you. I am in this with you. And if you all have this type of relationship with your kids, you all going to be in this

thing with me too. So, man, thank you so much for sharing that. I wish you guys the best. I wish your husband, a healthy recovery, wish his brother, a healthy recovery. And I wish, I hope this helps you and your husband communicate at a deeper level with things like this and they will pop up again in the future. Appreciate the call. When we come back, a man asks how to cope with feeling disconnected and distant from his wife. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. is Mental Health Awareness Month. And according to the National Institute of Mental Health, more than one in five U.S. adults

suffer from mental illness every year. And nearly half of folks never get any kind of help. And these aren't just statistics. These are your brothers and sisters and parents and kids. These are my family members and friends and neighbors. These are real people. These are you and me. And we're living in this nonstop noise,

screens, comparisons, constant notifications world, and our bodies are on high alert all the time. We're overwhelmed and lonely. It's so, so much. And this dress shows up in our relationships, our sleep, and our health. We were never meant to carry all of this madness alone. Talking to somebody can help. I want you to talk to my friends at BetterHelp.

BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and your preferences. Their therapists are fully licensed in the United States, and they follow a strict code of conduct. You can message your therapist in schedule sessions right in the platform, and if it's not the right fit, you can switch anytime at no additional cost. Cut through all the noise and stop carrying all of this alone. Go to BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month.

That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloni. All right, let's go out to the playground in Philadelphia and talk to James. What's up, James? Dr. John, it's good to hear you. You too, my brother. What's up? I was looking for some tough love on this one. So, essentially, my question is my wife feels like she's trying to disconnect from our life. She's pouring a ton of herself into her work and to go into the gym.

But it feels like when I come home with the kids after the day, she's either in her phone scrolling social media or even more reading romance novels, which is, you know, great that she's reading. But even when she's with us, it feels like she's not really there with us. So yeah, it feels like I'm doing a lot of this on my own. It's lonely and it's just tough. Yeah. I hear this a lot, brother.

So you're not crazy. No tough love for me on this one. This one just hurts. How long have y'all been married? Almost eight years now. Eight years. How old are your kids? Five and three.

Five and three. Are you watching them experience this too? I am, yeah. Yeah, one of the tough parts of this is, you know, when she is head down in her phone, seeing the kids, you know, look at her, ask her a question, and then she's not here at the first time and have to kind of either look to me or, you know, repeat it until she hears them. And when she does respond, it's usually with a kind of an irritation.

And again, I'm not trying to paint her as like, No, bro, you're being honest, you're being honest. I'm hearing this story all over the country, man. I hate it for you. Yeah. I hate that your three and five-year-old have the fear part of their brain lit up, that somehow they're not as beautiful or not as important as that shiny little metal box that she's staring at. Yeah.

I hate that. I'm guilty of it, too. I do it more often than I should. Sure. So how is she responded? Have you brought this up to her? Have you all gone out for dinner and talked about it? Like how she responded?

I've tried to talk to her about it in the past. And usually what she says is, you know, she doesn't think it's really that bad of a habit because, you know, to her, she's reading a book in front of the kids. And I've told her, like, the kids can't tell the difference. I can't tell the difference across the couch. you know. But yeah, she doesn't see it the same way as like, as if she's not there or if she's not spending time with us,

she feels it more as she's with us. She's just not doing the things that the kids are doing. Again, this is usually during, like, after work time, the kids are trying to eat dinner in front of the TV and just trying to get to the end of the night sometimes. Yeah. Yeah, another piece of it is I just, I'm not a very good communicator.

you can tell when I talk that I take some pauses or I repeat myself. And in that space, a lot of the time, she'll jump in and dominate that conversation. So when I try to have a hard conversation with her, she is much better with her word. She's a lawyer. So it feels very one-sided. She comes up with a good point, and I don't know how to respond right away. And so I just kind of shut down. And I just go, yeah, I guess, yeah, I guess you're kind of right.

And you just kind of go from there. A couple of things are going through my head, okay? Thing number one, like you, like your fear. She is uncoupling from this relationship. She doesn't like the life that she is co-created with you, with her kids, with herself. So she's out of it as much as possible with work, going to the gym, and then when she's even home, she's found like a little cocoon she hides in inside of her own life. Right? Maybe that's it.

maybe she's seeing somebody else maybe she is unwinding internally and doesn't know what to do with it and instead of drinking a bottle of wine she scrolls her life away it's it's it's it's different chemically of course but it is the same i am going to be here in body but not here in mind or spirit all right um all of these things the the challenge for you is the only thing you can control is you. And so my questions for you are, what do you need to do to show up in your marriage as the guy you want to be? Yeah, it's a good question. Because it sounds like you feel trapped in a cycle of responding to her absence, to her disconnection, you're constantly on defense. What does it look like to get in the driver's seat of your life?

What must I do to be a guy who's present with this beautiful five and three-year-old? What must be true for me to be a guy who's full of joy inside my own skin, inside my own house, even when I have somebody who's actively pulling away? That doesn't mean happy, right? You get what I'm saying? Absolutely. Yeah, and I definitely have my own work to do there. I've got my own issues that I'm in therapy for.

Okay. But, yeah, it's, I guess real quick on my piece, I didn't have a good father figure specifically, but a good parenting system as far as an ideal to shoot for for connecting with kids. So this is all brand new to me. Awesome. I'm going to give you a hack.

You ready for the hack? Yeah, hit me. Time and attention. Laser-focused attention. Yeah. So if you don't know what to do as a dad, you look at your five- and three-year-old and say, come outside in the yard with me.

And you all spray each other with a hose. and they'll tell that story at your funeral. We weigh, way over complicated. Way over complicated. I'm going to pick up a bag of $3 water balloons at Walgreens and the way home from work, and me and my five and three are going to throw them at each other. Right?

Like time and attention, do you see me, do you know me, and do you like me? and so I don't want you feeling like I don't know what to do and then I should be doing this I should be time and attention man digging a hole in the backyard burying like

you name it kids will do it with you how do I respond if we if I try to do these things with the kids just try to go have some some fun silly time and she's either you know not with us or

you know just still kind of disengaged it feels it feels more decoupling to to go like build our own little like three person family and her not be there. You already have that. I know that I was going to say

I know it's like realistic it was happening but it feels almost worse to have it physically happen. It might. You might, you as her husband might feel it more acutely but it's already happening.

And right now you're the casualty but those kids are the casualty. and you you will feel a more of a sense of ownership of what do I want because that's the next question after you start implementing things in your life and here's what I mean you get home from work and your phone goes in a drawer and I'm going to spend 30 minutes 45 minutes an hour laser with these two kids and by the way nobody tells you this it will be mind-numbingly boring sometimes. Absolutely.

Yeah, I've experienced that, yeah. Catastrophically boring. Like, I want to set myself on fire just to see if I still feel something boring, right? Mm-hmm. Yep. And when you're playing some version of Wolf Dragon, My Little Pony, whatever they're thinking, right? Or we're just coloring together outside or whatever. It's not going to be action-packed, but what you'll find over time is it gives you life from the inside out, not the outside of.

and we're all so overstimulated all the time that we're going for outside stimulation all the time this thing will make you full and whole from the inside out in one year, in four years, in seven years, right? So that's number one. Who are you going to be in the second answer? The question that you're going to have to start to answer is, what do you want and what is your line?

Yeah, and yeah, I don't know the answer to that right now. I think you do, and I think that answer scares you. All of it is scary for sure. I think I'm willing to put up with a lot more than I would the kids. Yeah, I don't... Why? I love them more than I love myself, I guess. No, no, no, I get the...

Fair, fair. But if you think of it, my buddy Will Godera taught me this. Like, if you are a waiter in a restaurant... Mm-hmm. and you're always walking around refilling all the water glasses and you never go back into the kitchen and refill your pitcher

eventually you're going to have nothing to put into your customer's glasses you're going to be out of water and so if you don't love yourself if you don't think you're worth being loved if you don't think you're worth more than just staring at your phone and being frustrated that your wife isn't

is disconnecting then you're not going to have anything to give your kids. It's going to be shallow. If you think, I'm a guy worth playing with for an hour. Let's go outside, kids. Wait till you see what I came up with now. You know what we're going to do?

We're going to throw mulch in the air. And they're going to go, ah! Right? Like, if you don't think you're worth spending time with, your kids will feel that. Yeah, that's fair. And so I want you to have a regular practice of, I'm going to go refill my water,

picture. And the, the biggest challenge I think right now, right this second from most American families, is they think that I'm refilling my picture when I just take, when I just scroll for a while. And it's not. You're actually smashing that picture. Scrolling is not benign. It is, it's a constant drain, right? It's like drilling holes in the bottom of your picture. It's not refilling it. And so, that makes sense. you like you deciding what I want to do is here's here's the I'm not going to wait around for her to become the spouse I want her to be the mother I want her to be the parent I want her to be I'm going to be the spouse that I want to be so if she is cheating on me if she is pulling away

if she is planning on leaving me etc I want to be able to look in the mirror and say I gave everything I had to this thing and that started with me making sure I was whole and well and good I was strong enough for her to even anchor to in the first place. And number two, I can look her dead in the eye. I can look her lawyer dead in the eye. I can look myself dead in the eye and say, I loved with all I had. Right?

And I'm not going to wait for you to be the parent that these kids need. I'm going to become the best version of myself for them that I possibly can be. And when you're out in the yard, when you're on a walk, when you're all having a picnic or whatever you're doing with your five and three-year-old, and your wife won't come because she's laying on the couch reading a romance, novel, it's going to hurt like bloody hell, dude. Yeah. But it's going to expose what already exists inside your house.

But are you giving her a path, clear as kind, right? You working through, what do I want, who do I want to be, and you given her a path? Hey, let me read this thing out to you. I miss you. I feel I am experiencing, the story I'm making up in my head is that you're pulling away from us, that you don't want to be here. you don't like the life we've created together. We get to create whatever life we want

so we can create something different and something awesome. The story I'm making up is you don't like our kids. You don't like me. And all that makes me feel sad. So here's what I'm going to do. I would love it if you joined us. And she might look at you and say,

I'm not doing any of that stuff. But at least... Yeah, you're scared of. Okay, but look, man, that's going to happen. It might happen five years from now, two years from now, or it might happen tomorrow if you have this conversation. And so let's say she does walk out the door. I hate to say this in this crass of a way,

but you've just saved yourself five years of slowly suffocating. You not addressing this elephant in the room, both the one inside of your chest and the one inside your marriage, isn't going to make it go away. It'll just keep eating and getting bigger and bigger and bigger right there in your living room. Have you asked her the question recently? Do you still like me?

I haven't. I'd say about maybe two or three months ago, we had a fairly serious conversation where she told me that she doesn't like the way that I love her. And so, you know, I got to ask her, you know, what does that mean? How can I love you the way that makes sense to you? And she kept pointing back to like the pursuant nature of the guys in these romance novels. And it's like, I get, I think what she, what she's trying to get from that is that, you know, We met in college, and she was the thing that I was chasing in college. But that was before I had pets and kids and a job and bills.

Like, she was the thing that I could focus all of my attention on. I can't do that anymore. I can't love her that way in 2026. Now it's time for tough love, homie. She should be your singular focus then. Okay. Singular. Okay.

Wake up in the day. How can I love this woman? The best we can love this woman, number one, is to make sure I'm okay. Make sure I got my pitcher completely full. And you looking at her and saying, how can I love you today? Oh, shut up, leave me alone. I'm late to work with, how can I love you today? Because it's coming, baby.

I think what keeps me from doing that is the fear of the rejection of her, of just saying, I don't know. I'm tired. Like, I don't want to talk about it. I don't know. That's what I get a lot when I ask her what she needs. She goes, I don't know. Cool.

Like dismissively. And it's like, I don't know what to do with that. All right. Then, cool. Then when you get home tonight, I want us to put our phones in the drawer, and I've already made reservations. You and are going out.

I'll send you all of the questions for humans' cards for couples. Okay? Thank you. We're going to go out. We don't even know what to talk about. We have to rebuild our marriage. We have a whole new marriage. You made partner.

We have two kids. We have a different life now. And I'm still going to spend every moment pursuing you. and if she feels like, and now I'm like turning the tables, if she feels like, oh, now I'm sixth place

behind the dog, the pets, and the kids, and his job, and his bill, and our bills, then yeah, dude,

she's going to go find fantasy somewhere. I'm not saying that's right. I would tell her to close the stupid book. That's every bit pornography is visual pornography. It's just packaged differently,

right? But it's fantasy. That's fair, though. She is right, that I haven't made her the focus that she needs to be. Okay, if you lead with that, brother, that's a key that might just open her heart up. If the letter you write and read to her, if you tell her, hey, without meaning to, you were my number one for years.

And without meaning to, I've let the world get in between us. Work, pets, kids, worries about the house, that ends today. You're now my new number one. and I've got some tools in my toolkit and they're all coming your way if you can give me a path to how I can love you, I would love it. Otherwise, I'm bringing it.

And here's what I want that to look like. No phones in the house or phones after the kids go to bed. I want us to put sex on the calendar three nights a week. I miss you. I want us to have one date night a week. I want you to skip one morning workout a week and go to breakfast with me before I go to work. And I'm just making stuff up.

I'm spitballing here off top of my head, but you get to make up and decide what happens next. And then she can look at you and say, I'm not doing that, I'm not doing that. But if you say some big amorphous thing, and she says, I don't know, cool, I'm going to give you a list of nine things, 10 things. But you're my new number one.

You're my number one again. And it will never happen again. And my close number two is my kids. Then I'll worry about this other stuff. I'll sell the pets I'll move to an apartment I'll get a new job like you are my number one

and these kids are my number two so yeah game on brother my guess is y'all just got in a dance man and she's opted out you've kind of opted out and so somebody's got to say I'm going all in I hope you'll go all in too

hang on the line here I'm going to hook you up with those questions for humans and I'm going to hook you up with the together app as a for you can use it in one player mode and you can offer it to her I would love it if you would do one thing a day too

and maybe she will maybe she won't but it will help if you do it in one player mode it will help you become the guy you want to be inside your own marriage and if she comes along maybe in two weeks three weeks one month three months now we're talking now we're doing one thing a day

to come back together yeah write all this stuff out man Take her out, read it. Take a half-day retreat together. Rebuild this thing. Your marriage is worth fighting for, my brother. Thanks for a call. When a family loses someone they depend on,

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That's zander with a zee.com. All right, we're back. All right, who still calls their dad? What do you call your dad? Good on the list. Dad. Okay. Yes?

Okay. We call them Dode so that we don't say daddy. Dode? Great. Okay. Dad, like a normal person. All right. Kelly, what do you call him?

Well, my father's no longer with us, so I'm going to pull that out. Yeah. Do you call him father? I don't call him anything. But... When he was still with us, what'd you call him? Daddy. Like a good Southern girl.

How old were you? What's the last time you called him Daddy? My father passed away the week after my 21st birthday. So as a 21-year-old? Yes. Mom and Daddy. That's very Southern. Or Texan, I guess.

Very gross. Now, I can't say 100% Would you still call him daddy? I don't know. I really don't. Like if we're talking about, like my sister and I are talking about him, it's daddy. No, really? Yeah, because that's what we always called him. But that was normal.

I'm going to make a public commitment. And my parents don't listen to this show. My dad's in his mid-70s. The next time I go home and see them, I'm going to start calling him daddy. But see, to me, I want to see how long it lasts. Why is it weird if a guy does? No, I don't have a valid reason for that. You're the one that's always telling me how equal we all are.

you're the one always telling us we're all equal John I never said that that's true you haven't you think you're I'm better than you're I'm gonna say you think you're superior you know you're superior I'm just gonna start ripping hey dad I can't even do it like without going to be really weird like without my gag reflex going which is probably the reason I can't stand the when grown women call their dad's daddy no but like the idea of calling like your significant other or a male

That just, I mean, that makes me throw up in my mouth. And it's probably because I'm like, no, you don't, I can't stand that at all. And that's probably why. There's some other people on my team that call their dad's daddy. And they are married. They have kids. And I'm almost 52 years old. I can't.

You know what, America, if you have a relationship with your father, call him whatever you want. I shout out. Call him whatever you want. I mean, I had a great relationship with my dad. I love my dad. Say it the right way, Kelly. No, but what I'm talking to other people about my dad is just dad. It would be only what I would call him.

I wouldn't talk to other people about and say that. That would sound weird to me. I don't know why. But like if I was talking to you, you know, talking to you about my dad, it would just be my dad. It would be like. And then my daddy said, I wouldn't do that. No. That would be weird.

Why is it so weird? I don't know. But only if I was saying something to him would I use that, but not talking to somebody else. I don't know. I don't have a valid reason for that. You don't need one. You can call them whatever you want. I'm fully aware of that.

I wasn't asking any kind of permission. All right. Listen, Kelly K. Lynn Fletcher. Oh, God. See, John just learned that my middle name is K. Can you imagine this? Just imagine this, listeners.

Kelly K. You can't even say that without the accent. It's like it's an accented long. It was funny is my mother didn't have an accent because she's in California. I know, but it came out when she said it. Yeah, but when my dad did, it came out. There was an accent. Trust me.

When who? When my dad said it. When your daddy said it. When my dad said it. I love you guys. Bye.