The Dr. John Delony Show - My Wife Said She Never Loved Me

Episode Date: January 16, 2026

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Two weeks ago, my wife sat me down and said that the only reason she married me was because she wanted to get out of her parents' house. She thinks that she would thrive without me and that she didn't trust me. I have a rule about not talking bad about people's wives, man, but with all due respect, who does she think she is, man? What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show, taking your calls. It's not everything. There's a lot of hurting people out there. And that's what this show's about, pulling up. a seat and helping you figure out what's the next right move in your marriage your mental health your dating life your kids whatever you got going on that's my promise i'll sit here with you and we'll figure it out if you want to be on the show go to john deloney dot com slash ask a sk love to have you out here

let's go oh geez let's go to kelly's hometown of dallas texas talk to jeremy what's up Jeremy? Not much. It's an honor to speak with you, sir, by the way. And same. Same, brother. Appreciate you, man. So my question is, I'm just going to jump right off the diving board. Is two weeks ago, my wife sat me down and said that the only reason she married me was because she wanted to get out of her parents' house. And in that same conversation, she said that she thinks that she would thrive without me and that she didn't trust me. I'm sorry, dude. What was the genesis of that conversation, man?

Yeah, so during that conversation, I froze and I asked her about it after I actually froze for two minutes after she said that. Hey, by the way, that's not a bad response. Like, that's a right and good response. I'll even go as far to say, I know freezing is, you know, one of the trauma responses, but, like, I just want to say, good for you for not blown off the handle dumping the whole thing back on her like just sitting there for a minute and being wise about what you said and did next good on you man oh thank you i appreciate it um but she said that she had been um put on the back burner um and i asked her what she meant by that before i i kind of i grabbed some toiletries and some clothes put it in a bag

to go to my parents' house. And she said that as I've been a full-time student and working two jobs to kind of pay off some debt and to pay for school that I just hadn't made any time for her. And I said, I didn't see it that way, but that was kind of where she was at. I have a rule about not talking bad about people's wives, man, but with all due respect, who does she think she is, man?

Like, where does this come from? she's been through a lot of she's been through a lot of trauma great I mean not great not great in like the good but like a lot of people go through a lot of hell and that's a context for a really tough life

and a lot of hard work to become well and whole and healed get that I totally get that but what about that dynamic when she has a husband who burning himself down to the end of the of the wax, right? To create a life for yourself

and for her and for this future you all have committed to each other. Was this out of the blue? Has she been dropping hints? Is she given you a trail of hey, I miss you? I'd rather have less money in the house than you'd be gone all the time?

Or is this just like a grenade that went off? She has mentioned that, you know, she wanted more time together So I specifically set a time aside for date night each week. And I really tried to commit to that. And I'll be honest of like four weeks of the month, I only probably did about three because I just got so buried at work trying to pick up an extra shift or two. I mean, if you're telling me the full story, brother, I just want to commend you.

You're a good man. So was this her way of trying to get your attention? Or was this her way of saying, like, gently or very not gently. saying I don't want to be married to you anymore. Here's the curveball. I think she wanted to gain my attention because after we separated, and this is the part of confusion,

is two weeks. Well, just a couple of days ago, she said that she deeply, deeply regretted saying all those things, and then she wants me back in the apartment, and I'm just like, I can't come back right now. I just... Okay, so tell me about that.

so so let's say this okay i'm going to tell you the way she did that and how she did that and what she said to you was was hurtful and painful and wrong okay okay and as a guy who has said hurtful and wrong things and tried to say something and it came out way more aggressive or way more hurtful than i meant for it too there's a compassion side to it also and so the challenge I'll put in front of you is the word I can't. I want to take that off the table. And I want to give you back ownership of yourself of what you do and how you act next and say, I want you to take ownership and saying, not that I can't come back, but at this time I'm choosing to not come back.

That's how you retain. That's how you begin to regain autonomy, okay? Okay. And so I want you to own, I'm choosing to not come back. And then that allows you to say, why am I making this choice? Okay. I like that a lot. Okay.

I don't want to go with. I can't. So along that same vein, why are you choosing to not go back? The true reason is as I pause and reflect, I don't know if, because the next step in marriage is children. And I just, I don't know what that's going to look like with this kind of. of mindset. So it's not. The next step is you and your wife choosing to rebuild your marriage. The marriage you had is over. Yeah. Okay. And so we're going to rebuild a new marriage. And here's what that alignment looks like. You sitting down and saying, I am putting everything I have into this thing.

going to school, I'm working two jobs. I have a picture of the life I want to give you. And maybe she is saying, I have a different picture of our life together. And the power here is scrapping both of y'all's individual pictures and saying, let's create one together. And once we create a picture of what we want this thing to look like and what we want this thing to feel like,

then we're going to reverse engineer an action course, which might be for a season, you're working on school, you're working on jobs, because you've got bills to pay, and you've got a future in mind. And she's saying, I want to spend less money,

I want less things, and I want more of you. And for me, as a guy, that's hard for me to hear. Because most of us men are taught, the only value we bring is, what does the checking account look like?

Or you've probably heard me to see on the show. Somehow we've distinguished, down the question, what are you worth to a number? And that's just madness. And she might be on the phone call. And again, I'm trying to be compassionate here and just take everybody at they're trying their best, right? And she might, she was on the phone, she might say, dude, for three years, five years, how long have you been married? Two years? How long have you been married? Three and a half. Okay, three and a half years. She might have been saying, I've been trying to tell this guy since we met all I want.

is him. And he keeps telling me, no, you know you don't. You want, you want a new car. You want a bigger house. You want this. You want this. And she might just say, I threw a grenade in the middle of the living room because I miss this guy. I don't know, dude. I'm just trying to be as compassion as I can hear. Yeah. No, I definitely, I definitely understand it. I appreciate that perspective. But yeah, dude, what she said, I can't imagine the amount of hurt that would have felt like. Yeah. it's something that I guess going back to like the I I'm choosing not to come back I'm choosing to recover and kind of find myself again after that yeah but what does that what does that mean

like to push on that that feels like really Instagramy dramatic language what like what does find yours what does that mean to me that means um writing down the picture of what I want my marriage to look like so that I can bring it back to her, then we can take those two pictures. Hopefully she writes it down and merge it together. I don't even know if it's merging together as much as it is a, a, it's kind of like a, gosh, this is a terrible example, but it's kind of like you all want to build a house. And so you each create your own Pinterest board and you send that Pinterest board to an architect.

and that architect takes both of these things and says, all right, one of you likes modern, one of you likes a lot of decor, one of you is a minimalist, and one of you likes an old cottage, and we're going to, here's, here's, here's this way that we can kind of incorporate all of this. How does this feel?

Yeah. Yeah, no, I like, I like the Pinterest analogy. I don't have a Pinterest account, but I know of it. I know, yeah, yeah. But you get what I'm saying? Yeah, no, I definitely do. But I guess, so I mean, I'll say it again, your hurt's real and your exhaustion's real. And you know her better than I do, but I'm going to, just for the sake of my own well-being here, which this call is not about me, but I'm going to assume she was trying to get through to you.

She did it in a horrible way, man, but she's trying to get through to you. Yeah. I think that's that's a I've never thought of looking at it that way but yeah no I believe that's accurate now can I can I can I I'm I hesitate to do this because I don't want to put something into your mind or your spirit that's not there okay okay but I'm going to tell you what I have done in my marriage in the past okay it's cruel okay it's one of the things that almost ended my marriage when I would get on a track and what I mean by a track

either like two or three years of not dealing with me, I'm just kind of a spun up, anxious, I'm a lot, right? I'm an overdramatic guy. And not dealing with that stuff or I'm not, I'm late all the time or fill in the blank of any number of issues I have, okay?

And let me even dig deeper. any number of choices I make on a regular basis, right? When my wife would call me out on it, rightfully so, the way I would regain, for lack of better words, the way I would regain power or regain standing with myself was A, to become a total victim. And B, the words I use is, I was very violent with my silence.

I would withdraw. I would withdraw. Now, I never moved out like you did, but in fact, I was almost worse. I would do that inside. I would move out,

but I wouldn't even leave the house. And it was a way that I reestablished superiority in my own mind. And what I would tell you is true courage and true bravery is walking back through the front door and sitting at the table across from somebody and saying the marriage we had,

is over. We need to ask each other, do we want to rebuild a new one? Got it. You know what I'm saying? And so there's a, there's a, you hurt me so bad, I have to be gone. You said such a mean thing. I'm out of heat. Right. You can, you can do that. But I, there's something about standing up tall and walking back through the front door and saying, um, that hurt bad. Because everything I'm doing here is for you. do you want to realign a picture together? Yeah, no, I definitely like, yeah. It's definitely a more of a, more of a, yeah, a courageous approach, yeah. You're going to have a conversation.

You can outsource it to lawyers. You're going to have to, at some point, interact. Or you can take the courageous step and sit down across the table and look at somebody and say, you hurt me bad. And I don't want you to regret what you said. You said what you said. Let's get to the bones of it. Let's get through the skin.

Let's get through the muscles. Get down to the bones. And she's going to have to make some choices about, hey, I had a hellacious, traumatic past. I'm going to do the terrifying heart scurry work of going to get well. Because I don't want my kids to carry that. And you're going to have to say, maybe, I'm putting words in your mouth.

I'm making up a story here, but I put all my value in, work, accomplishing, being out there, scratching, clawing. And by the way, it may have nothing to do with value and work. It may be, dude, it's insanely expensive to even exist right now. And we have bills to pay it.

We want water in our house. Somebody has to be out working like this, right? It may be that too, but that's part of that conversation putting on the table. Right. Yeah. I'm going to do that. It's much better than sitting here stewing, that's for sure. Yeah.

I'll tell you, finding yourself almost always comes through action. And sometimes it's action alone, right? through journaling, writing it down, being very honest about, here's what hurt about what you said. Here's my picture I was trying to create for us. I had a picture of what a husband's supposed to do, and I was doing it with all my might. I didn't want to be one of those guys that just plays video games. I was doing this. I was doing this.

I was doing this. And also having the compassion and the grace to say, I never even asked you what your picture is of this thing. Or the question that saved my marriage was, what do you want this house to feel like? when you both, when both of us walk in the front door and reverse engineer, what are the actions that must be true for that pigs for us to feel, ah, when we walk in the door. And she may be out, dude, she may be delusional.

I just want the lights on and I want a nice house and I want to have three kids. I just want you here all the time. And it's like, hey, that comes at a cost. There's a dollar. That's a math problem. And it may be that, yeah, I married you to get out of my parents' house because you felt safe and you've, I thought this relationship with who's going to heal me, and that's not true. That's one of the challenges with modern marriage is, like, we marry somebody as, we think it's going to be,

like the ultimate SSRI, like the ultimate anti-anxiety, and it just, it magnifies everything. But sorry, sorry, I know that hurts, man. I know that hurts bad, and she shouldn't have said that. It's cruel. And in the process of working through what we are going to do next, whether we are going to separate, or whether we are going to forgive and whether we are going to create a new marriage, which I hope that's the track you take.

Don't also be cruel in withholding or trying to reestablish yourself through absence. Head right through it, man. You're going to end up across the table from each other at sooner or later. You might have lawyers on either side of you or you might just walk through your own front door and say, all right,

let's put it all out on the table and we're both going to be calm and we're both going to be present and we're not going to be screaming and not going to be any histronics we're going to sit here and we're going to be two adults who agreed at 1.3 and a half years ago

till death was part right or die let's sit down and have this hard conversation and bro I'll walk with you every step of the way you need something you holler at me and if she wants to call in two I'm happy to do that also next right move brother step one take the first step

thanks for a call man we come back a woman asks how to get her husband oh god is this my wife is this kelly and my wife we come back a woman asks how to get her husband to take punctuality seriously we'll be right back the new year is here and it's time for new towels from cozy earth throw out the old towels that your aunt gave you at your wedding or the ones you got at the local store because they're gross they're gross It's time for new towels.

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Hey, Dr. John. I am having trouble with my husband. He was diagnosed with ADHD about a year or two. ago and he's always had some symptoms of that and is having a lot of kind of as our marriage goes along, it's becoming more and more of a problem, especially with our kids. Okay, so be, don't dump it all into the diagnostic bucket. Be specific about the things that are becoming more of a problem. Um, well, when I wrote in my question, it was specifically about him being on time.

And he, I guess what they call is time blindness, and that literally rolls his life. Okay. So one of the examples was that, actually, like, when I wrote in, this was happening, my daughter had, or our daughter had a doctor's appointment in the morning of, I said, okay, her doctor's appointment's at 1030. You need to be there at 1030. You need to be, have the kids buckled in their car seats at 1045, pulling down the driveway, or not 1045, 1015 to be there at 1030.

He said he got it at the address of the location in the reminder note on his calendar. And I was like, okay, I'm going to work. I went to work. 1030 rolls around. He hasn't texted me or called me. me. So I look at his life 360 and he is still at our house. And so this is not, it's not like the first time, but this, this happens literally almost every single day in our life with something. He's never, sorry, he's never on time for work. He's never on time for any of his own appointments. He's

never on time for church. Like, he is a preacher and he will have different pastors call him to fill his pulpit and we are always rolling in the parking lot like five to ten minutes late. Okay. Let me ask you the other, like, you're describing my life, okay? Okay. So I, I am, I'm sitting, I'm sitting on your husband's side of the seat on this one. I'll flip to your side in a second, okay? Okay. So here's the, here's the alternative vision here. Well, let me just say this. You got to be on time. Said the guy who's always late, okay? Yes. Okay. So flip the other side. Has your husband lost a job because he's late? No. Is he really good at what he does? Are you there? Yeah, I'm here. Sorry. Is he good at being a pastor? Yes. Okay. What time did he get to the doctor's appointment?

About 20 minutes late. Okay. Did the kid get in and get seen? Yes. Okay. So the challenge. So the challenge. The challenge with working with somebody who struggles with being late is over time, you become more and more, not his wife, but you become his mother. Right. And what he needs desperately is his wife. Right. So here is, I'll tell you how this was literally the switch that was flipped in my home with my wife. And I'm telling you this, as I rolled into this show to record this show, like 10 or 15 minutes late, okay? Okay.

Like so this is this is the pot talking to the kettle here two things that were important happened number one my wife I don't know another way to say it but completely backed off and said I've got to let natural consequences be natural consequences and it was a big revelation to her that me going to work five or ten minutes or me going to church let's say five or two minutes late literally didn't bother me the same way it bothered her okay And so she said, I'm going to leave it this time, but here's what switched for me. She said, I'm embarrassed when I walk in late and I feel like everybody's looking at me. I'm embarrassed and I feel ashamed that all these nurses and doctors have such insanely tight schedules

and their health care provider overlords are so strict on them that I feel it's dishonoring to them to be late. Right. And that was the switch that flipped. No, I have definitely tried that and it doesn't work. Okay. So here's the next thing she started doing. She started driving herself to church. Right. She just went in her own car.

And not out of a fight, not out of a, I'll show him, but out of a, this is a priority to me and it's not a priority to him. And the first time I walked downstairs and the car was gone, I did. I got mad. And then I realized. it's on me because she was very clear about, I feel embarrassed when I walk in late. Because John, I'm a big presence. Everybody looks for you and you walk in the door and I'm standing right next to you.

Yeah. How do I handle that with doctor's appointments, though? Because I literally just started a new job and I can't just take off work to go to a doctor's appointment. Like I can eventually, and that's what I had started. doing with my last job was just being like, okay, you can't take them.

I know, but get to the root of the issue here. Yeah, and he said, and I know that you always say behavior is a language, and he's acting like he doesn't care. I, everyone would say he does. He doesn't, though. He doesn't. Because he got there 20 minutes late, they saw his kid, it was fine, he dropped the kids off back at school or wherever.

went on about his day. I've literally almost, I've thought about calling the doctors when he's late and being like, if he's more than 10 minutes late, don't see him. I know, but that's like me calling my kids school and saying, I'm not bringing his shoes. He's got to do his track workout in his bare feet so he learns. And so it's you owning what's inside your chest, which is, I mean, bare, like, tell me, you tell me, what is it for you when you're at work? and the kids get to the doctor's 20 minutes late

and then they get seen and then they get their medicine and they leave why is that troubling to you what's the thing beneath the thing beneath the thing there because I'm I'm very respectful of people's time and he's not okay there you go and let's so let's

go one step deeper and say the thing that's in the middle of your chest which is I'm married to a man that is disrespectful to other people and you go ahead Like his entire family is like this. Like they just have, they just don't care. His mom is a piano player at her church.

And when we went there, she would always come in, like, right on time. And it literally would give me panic attacks. Okay, but you have to own your panic attack. Because, you know, the word you just said is she was right on time. And for some people, 10 minutes early is late. Yeah. Right? And so own your part of it.

when you communicate with him, you sit down and have a big conversation, it is, I have panic attacks here. I, not real panic attacks, but I have this thing inside of me. And here's what I'm trying to get you to do. And I'll get to him in a second. I want you to open your grip up. You continuing to tighten your grip over the calendar reminder and the this and the text messages and here's the this and here's the that and here's the whatever. It's not helping. Okay. Right? It's It's increasing. Even if he's asked me to do that, it's not helping? He doesn't, he's putting all of his irresponsibility and his disrespect on you and making it here a problem.

Okay. You sitting down and saying, a way you can make me feel loved is not to be on time, but to be somewhere 15 minutes early. You make me feel loved and safe. And then if he doesn't do that, that's a deeper conversation. Let me take it out of the time for a second, okay? Here's a perfect example in my house. My wife's a writer and I'm a writer, okay? I'm in the middle of a book project now.

Okay. I write best from 9 p.m. to 2 a.m. I wish with all of my being, that was not the case. Okay. Exhale. Whom. My wife gets up every morning of 5.15 and writes for one and a half hours. and her perfect everything's where it needs to be

like it's like a desk that Joshua Field Milburn like the founder of the minimalist would be proud of everything's right where it needs to be okay my writing area is in the corner of an of a room on top of my garage and it looks like a madhouse person lives up there

right okay and so there has been over the, we've been married 23 years, like you need to organize this. What if you put this here? What if you just did it like this? There is an exhale and this is how this,

my husband's creative process works. Okay? So that's her saying, I'm going to open my hands to that. This is the guy married and this is how he creatively operates. And the fair callout is when I get into a book writing mode, I literally lose track of humanity.

I stay in my head all day. reading 24-7-365. I'm listening. I'm calling professionals. I'm calling therapists. I'm calling theological. I'm calling people to, I just lose track of the world. Okay. And so the solution that we found together is when you're here, I need you present and I'm going to gently put my hand on your leg to remind you to be present here. And that's the way I get honor and respect and love for. You get what I'm saying? Yeah. We've been trying to do more of that. He's, we actually had a conversation the other day because he has a lot of friends at work that play video games. And I was like, if you sit down and play a video game, I will never see your face again because you will literally just, your entire being will be in that video game.

Okay. So what's the deeper thing about that? Is that he won't be there for me. Okay. I have that conversation. And what does quote unquote be there for me mean? Does it mean I'm exhausted and tired and worn out and I don't want you having fun and focusing on other things? Is it I want you to sit in the kitchen and chit chat with me because that makes me feel loved?

Is it it's not fair? Is it I'm lonely and you have all these friends and I don't like that? What does not be there for me mean? Okay, that to me is a deeper, harder question. Okay. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, for sure. And so there's something powerful about saying,

I want you with me. And there's something insanely vulnerable about that because he might say, I'd rather hang out at the office, I mean, hang out at the restaurant for another half hour. And if that's the case, you'll have a big challenge in your marriage. Yeah, I joke with him a lot

because he's, when you first got together nine years ago, we started dating. He was like, what if I joined the military? And I said, if I wanted to be away from you, I wouldn't marry you. Or, yeah, like, if I wanted you away or not to be around you, I wouldn't marry you. The military will take you away from me. Like, why would you do that?

What did he say? He was like, yeah, you're right. That makes sense. Okay. So make no- We do everything together. Up until about two jobs ago, we worked. the same jobs together too.

Okay, there's something powerful in telling your husband, I miss you. Yeah. And instead of saying you're never around with, you starting that sentence with a you, with an attack, it's saying, I miss my husband. And you being honest about, I have, over time, between work, between kids, I have allowed myself to be isolated. And I'm trying to put everything that I normally, through all of human history, I would have had girlfriends, I would have had a church community,

I would have had workmates. I would have had all these people in my life of cousins and parents and extended family. I would have all this support. And slowly over time, your world has narrowed to where I'm asking him to carry everything, relationally for me. Yeah. And I'm not mean to. It's not an attack at all.

This is like I'm in the middle of this research right now. This is pervasive. This is our culture. That's why there's difference between I need you here. versus, hey, I'm going out with my girlfriends tomorrow night. You've got dinner and the kids. And when I would be able to do that,

our group kind of just fell apart. But when I would do that, he would be there. And he would make sure to be there for me if it was something like that. And that's what I'm getting at. There's something powerful about you owning. What is happening in my entire ecosystem? And what are these things that I'm saying to myself,

I should and I have to and I must? And when I have the shoulds and the have tos and the musts, I'm now dumping it on this other person. And he's sitting there feeling, no, you don't. No, you don't. No, you don't. Yeah, I guess I was just taught

that that's why we have us spouses to dump all of that stuff on them. Yeah. And unfortunately, that's the nature of modern romance, which is, you complete me. Tom Cruise lied to us. You have to have girlfriends. You've got to have hobbies.

You've got to have support and care and extension. And you've got to be open about the real depth of these things, which is, I have going to panic if I'm not 10 minutes early to an appointment. And he's saying, I don't have that same panic. It's not a felt need for me. And then getting to the real thing beneath that and having that conversation, which is, I miss you. I feel like I'm married to a man who disrespect.

other people. And that breaks my heart. Let's clear the deck. The marriage you had is over. Let's build a new one from the floor up with. Here's what I want. Thanks for the call, sister. And by the way, everybody out there, be on time. New year, new me. Kelly's looking at me. New year, new me. No. She's like, no. You're pretty though, Kelly. No. We come back, a man asks how to support his son through his girlfriend's pregnancy while managing his own emotions. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. As we head into the new year, I want you to take an inventory of all the stuff you're carrying, all the things you think you have to do or should do, along with all the past hurts and pains, past guilt, past shame.

Listen, when the world feels heavy, it's important to first look at. in the mirror and consider setting down all of that old weight and not carry it into 2026. 2026 is going to have enough chaos of its own without you bringing all of the past into it. Therapy can help you identify that heavy stuff, that old guilt, that old shame, and move forward with clarity so you can focus on being light heading into the new year. If you're thinking about therapy, check out my friends at better help. They have over 30,000 therapists and they're one of the leading online therapy.

providers on the planet. They're trusted by millions of people around the world with an average rating of 4.9 stars out of 5. It's online so it's easy to fit into your schedule to get started. Just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who will fit your needs. If it's not the right fit, you can change therapists at any time for no extra cost. You can't feel lighter without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. Go to betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Salt Lake City and talk to Bill.

What's up, Bill? Dr. John Deloney, how are you? I'm good, my brother. How are you? Doing very well, thanks. It's an honor to speak to you, man. It's an honor to speak to you, brother. What's up, dude?

Well, hey, just a little background for you here. So I have two teenage kids with my ex-wife. One's in college, the others are junior in high school. Their mom and I got divorced eight years ago. A year after that, I remarried, and my current wife and I have two little kids together. Now, I've always had a really good co-parenting relationship with my ex-wife. You know, we've put the kids first every time. We've treated each other with respect, with civility.

Awesome. Both the kids get along. Yeah. Amazing. Good for you, brother. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, and both the kids get along well with their stepmom, you know, my current wife.

However, we recently found out that the girlfriend of my younger son, she's also a junior in high school, is two months pregnant with his child. Oh, wow. Yeah. 16 years old, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Now, she intends to see the pregnancy through to full term, which I applaud. But she comes from a single parent household with very limited means, and we're on a pretty tight budget ourselves.

So that's the context for my call today. So my question to you, Dr. John, is how do I appropriately support my son going forward so that he doesn't give up on his goals and aspirations while at the same time dealing with my own feelings of worry, frustration, a little bit of hurt and kind of a sense of guilt that I've somehow failed him as a parent by not doing all I possibly could to prevent this from happening? So in other words, what's the next right move here? Dude, great question, brother. I want to reverse engineer this. Is that okay? Yeah, absolutely. The greatest gift you can give that 16-year-old girl and your 16-year-old son

is to invite them over to your house with your ex-wife and your step-wife. I mean, I'm sorry, and your new wife, not your step-wife, your ex-wife and your ex-wife and your new wife? Uh-huh. And you look at those two scared to death, terrified teenagers, and you lead the charge. and you say you will have no greater fans than the three of us. Okay. You will have no greater support network on the planet than us three. And you look at that girl and say,

hopefully your mom is right there. And if you have a relationship with her, by the way, you're going to have a relationship with her forever. You want to invite her to this conversation? But these are like they're children, right? Yeah. And so the lessons, the y'all need to, y'all should have, their children, and I want to respond as such, okay? Right.

This is my nine-year-old daughter sticking something in a light socket and getting shocked and me not running up and being like, why did you do that? But me running up and grabbing her and holding her and saying, that was scary, I'm so sorry. And after her shoulders drop and she gets done crying, then I'm going to go. go squat all the way down to where I'm eye level with her next to the plug and say, hey, here's how this works. I'm scared too because that could have killed you. You get what I'm saying? The lesson will come, the learning will come after the fight or flight response is over.

Okay. And so what those two 16-year-olds need is all of the adults in their life to act in the highest order of adulthood they can, which is, y'all are children. you will have no bigger support network than us. Okay. And you're about to get the most amazing gift on the planet, which is a grandkid. I don't want to expecting that. Right, in one of the most awful context possible, right?

Yeah. All right. So I'm going to put all this on the table in the most honest, real way I can, and it's scary. Is that cool? Yeah, absolutely. All of the data I have. And this is somehow this became. unpa like not PC or whatever and until a group of people start talking publicly about this it's

going to continue to be a shadowed secret um the chances of that your grandchild ending up in poverty is greatly increased by the situation with which he or she is being born into right yeah i can i can understand having a very tough road like a very tough road ahead very very tough. And so we know that's coming our way. And so what we are going to do is we're going to fight like bloody health so that this new grandbaby of ours will not become a statistic. Absolutely. No, it will become a statistic, but it's going to be in the other side of the, of the equation, the very small statistic that is so like showered in support and love and care. We're going to do everything we can. Okay.

Absolutely. How does that resonate with you? Yeah, it definitely hits home and I can completely appreciate what you're saying. Yeah, I want to be as supportive as I can. And I know that my son's mother wants to be supportive as well, but we're both trying to wrap our heads around the whole situation and how's this going to work logistically? I mean, they've both got another year of high school. and, you know, my son, he's had ADHD his whole life.

He was diagnosed from an early age. And, you know, his mom and I have always tried to help him, you know, with whatever supports we could. He's had lots of therapy. He's on, you know, a medication that works pretty well for him nowadays. Okay, but let's back out. He didn't have sex because he has ADHD. No. And he didn't have sex because you somehow failed.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. No, I see what you're saying. Let that sink in for a second. You didn't quote unquote fail your kid. Mm-hmm. Your kid had sex really young and a consequence of having sex sometimes as a child.

Okay. Right. But you didn't fail him. Would you have done anything to prevent this? Absolutely. But this isn't somehow, you didn't somehow, like there's not a report card that's going to come in the mail on being a dad and you got an F. okay yeah

and so if you walk around with this big cinder block of shame in your backpack as my new identity as a dad as I'm a failure what all that's going to do is weigh down the next right thing that you need to do as a new granddad and as a overly supportive

father right right and let me let me get I want to free you on this, okay? You have no bad feelings here. You have no bad thoughts here. What does that mean? Dude, you can be driving to work tomorrow and just pounding your steering wheel in anger, in frustration, in heartbreak, because you know how hard the road is going to be for your 16-year-old son moving forward. You know this. Yeah. Okay? All of those thoughts, all those feelings are right and good.

when you have thoughts, when you have feelings, don't beat yourself up over. Well, if I was a real supportive dad, I wouldn't be thinking this. Or if I was a really good, almost future granddad, I wouldn't be feeling this. Don't let your mind create stories around these feelings. Your feelings are right, man. They're right. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. What matters here in these, like, everything is different moments is what are you going to do next? Absolutely, yeah. And if there is a possibility, some adult has to step up and lead this thing. And so I'm anointing you, right? Somebody has to get your new wife, your ex-wife, and hopefully this 16-year-old girl's terrified, scared single mother in a room.

And say, here's how we're going to support our two children, and here's how we're going to support this new child coming into the world. And we're all struggling to make it financially, and this is going to be hard on all of us. Yeah. And if that means that 16-year-old girl needs to be under your roof for a season, and then so be it, because I'm playing a 10-year game now. I'm playing a 20-year game now, not a what's right tonight kind of thing.

I see. And if that single mom has a cascade of boyfriends coming in and out of her house, and you are able to say, hey, this 16-year-old girl is not going to be in a good situation, and especially my grandbaby's not going to be in a good situation, here's what I'm going to offer up here and with all due respect, your sons, your 16 year old son, his goals and his aspirations

are going to be different now. And if this feels overwhelming, it is. It's a lot. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, I was not expecting to hear that news. No, no. At the age I am. Yeah, no parent is.

And we don't have a, a precedent for this in either of our families, either my family or my ex-wife's family for, you know, a kid having their own kid this young. So we don't really have a roadmap for, you know, what lies ahead. We don't have relatives we can speak to and get their experience or anything because, you know, we're pioneers in a strange way within our family. That is the greatest picture I've ever heard painted of what you're experiencing right now. beautifully so. And let me tell you my personal, when I'm faced with a situation that I have no roadmap for, when I, my mother was a teacher, my dad was a policeman and became a teacher,

my wife was a teacher and a professor. When I left the university system, it's basic education was all I knew. I was a high school teacher. I did an elementary school one year and I worked at universities for 20. When I left to go be a YouTuber or a podcaster, I had no one in my family knew what that meant. And so you know what me and my wife did? We went back to first principles. Who are we going to be first? And we need to make sure we anchor into that.

And so you as the guy who's got the machete heading off into the woods now, I'm going to carve a new path that you don't even know where we're going, it is coming back to here's who we're going to be. We will support you. We will be right alongside you. and we're always, always going to tell you the truth and you're 16, so we're still your parents for at least two more years.

Right. And we are going to make sure you have a roof line over your head until this date. And PlayStation, by Felicia, you will not have time for video games for at least the next three years, five years, 10 years, right? So it's not like we're just in the abdicate our parenting. Right?

And by the way, this isn't like y'all, we're not going to just going to be like, all right, well, y'all are sexually active now. Nope, we're going to create some pretty firm boundaries here. Yeah. Right. So we're going to go back to first principles. Now that we're about to head off on an unknown adventure, who are we going to be wherever we end up? I see. And your 16 year old has to not only know that, but his brain doesn't know enough to know stuff.

He's got to feel that. that my dad is disappointed, but underneath the disappointment is my dad is scared because my dad knows data. My dad knows how hard it's been being a dad himself when he had a job

and two co-parents with new wife and ex-wife. Yeah. And I'm not disappointed in you. You didn't fail me, but man, you picked a really hard, hard path and so you're going to need a lot of support. And you're going to get it

whether you want it or not. Definitely. And here's what you're, Here's what your end goal. Not your end goal. Your first short-term goal is. Number one, we're going to keep that baby in a safe environment as best as we possibly can manage. And if her mom says, screw you guys, you're going to have to navigate that.

And it might end up y'all going to court for custody. I mean, this thing can get messy, right? The goal after that is, the day my son turns 18, I don't want him thinking I have to get out of here. even if getting an apartment, if he chooses to stay with this girl and they choose to get married, if they choose to do that, we're going to sit at the table again

and be like, y'all are entering into the next hardest thing, which is being married at eight freaking teen, I will be your number one fan. Yeah. Right? Right. And dude,

that means you're going to spend a lot of time in the car sobbing. This is going to be hard. Yeah. Yeah, it has been really hard. I haven't really known the best way to approach it. I mean, you know, tried to reassure him and offer my support. But my words feel a bit empty because I'm kind of scared myself.

And, you know, I don't know what's ahead. So say that because your son can feel that. Okay. Take him out to breakfast and say, here's the deal. number one fan, number one support will be me, right or die, you and me. You're my son. And I'm really scared because I know

how hard the road is ahead of you. Okay. And for the next few years, when you, quote, unquote, become a man and you start raising kids, there's a lot of that that's out on your own. You've had to figure out how to be divorced and be a good co-parent, right?

You've had to figure all that stuff out going whose house and what holidays. You've had to navigate all that, and it's awful. You had to navigate, telling your kids, hey, guess what? You're getting a new mom in the house. Like, you had to navigate all that.

You've been through hard stuff before. Yeah, for sure. But for the time being, you've got to tell your 16-year-old son, I'm still your dad, you're still a teenager, and I'm going to still be one step ahead of you as we're both navigating this crazy new future. And my goal is when you turn 18, my goal is when you turn 19, 20, that as you head off on your own, I've at least tramped the grass down in front of you where you're walking, because you've got a hard path.

Definitely, yeah. And if you're a real gangster father, you'll grab your son by his face and you'll look at the 16-year-old, like, becoming a young man kid and say, I will love you till the end of time. And I'm going to say the wrong thing. I'm going to get mad sometimes. I'm going to get frustrated sometimes. I'm going to challenge you sometimes. Do not ever forget, I love you, till the end of time. Absolutely.

You what I'm saying? Oh yeah 100% And if you've never had a man Like if your dad didn't say that to you All of this will be new All of this will be awkward And that's your next right move But let's rally the adults

Let's go to first principles Who are we going to be as this thing happens And let's bring those scared to death teenagers into the room and say We are on your side For y'all's sake and for this baby's sake And we're not going to rush y'all into getting married We're not going to rush all into this

but we are going to rally around because we have a new grandbaby coming. And we want to be joyful when this baby arrives. We want this baby arriving in a cloud of disappointment and sadness and ugh. Want this baby to be just overwhelmed with how much it's loved and we still got to be your parents because you're all our kids. Every step of the way is going to be hard. But we're going to be right there with you. Thanks for a call, brother. Hey, anytime you want to call, man, I'm here for you.

You're a good, good, man. Good man. It's an honor to talk to you. We'll be right back. If you've seen me speaking on stage at live events, if you see me in a local comedy club, or if you see me out working in my yard, or even on the socials or the internets,

you've seen me wearing poncho shirts. Why? Because I love them. I'm always wearing poncho shirts. and because it's cold outside right now, I get to wear my favorite poncho shirts, the denims and the flannels. Poncho denims have that soft, broken in feel

with a little bit of stretch. Feels like you've worn it a million times, but it still looks awesome. And poncho flannels come in original and western styles, and they're guaranteed to be the softest shirts you own. I'm wearing one right now, and it's amazing. Somehow these shirts are both tough and comfortable,

and they look great wherever you. you wear them. Poncho shirts come in slim or regular fit. They're built to last and they hold up to whatever your life throws at you. When you're shopping for the men in your life, go to poncho outdoors.com slash Deloni and hook them up with the greatest shirts in the world. Sign up with your email right now and you get 10 bucks off your first order and I want you to tell Poncho you heard about their amazing shirts right here on the Dr. John Deloney show. That's poncho outdoors.com slash deloney. All right, oh beautiful queen, Kelly, am I the problem? All right.

This is from Clara in Idaho. And she writes, now keep in mind, people are listening to this after the holidays. This is actually the day before Thanksgiving that we're recording this because it's a holiday theme question. Excellent. My holiday, my in-laws are hosting Christmas and my mother-in-law wants the grandkids to sleep all together in the same room. We have two girls, age three and eight months. My sister-in-law has two boys, age seven and twelve. the baby will stay in our room

and it will be tight but doable to keep our oldest daughter in the room with us as well aside from the differing bedtimes I'm not comfortable with our toddler daughter staying in a room with two older boys even if they are family and I have no reason whatsoever

to suspect that they would endanger her my mother-in-law is insisting I am being unreasonable and detracting from the family dynamic if I keep our daughter sleeping in our room am I the problem? No no and no Your mother-in-law has a picture of what she wants this thing to look like,

and that picture, A, is not hers to make, and B, just because I won't let my three-year-old daughter sleep in a room with a young teenage boy, that doesn't mean I don't trust that kid. A kid can be the best kid in the world. But he's still 12. He's 12. You know what, 12-year-olds do 12-year-old things? They think things are hilarious.

They think things are funny. They think scaring a three-year-old in the middle of the night just for fun. Like, they're 12. They're 12. And so no, I'm not going to let my three-year-old daughter do that. And if my mother-in-law wants to throw a temperate tantrum, because she's not getting her way with, with, she's not using my daughter as a paintbrush for the picture she wants to paint,

then I'm going to make alternative sleeping arrangements. I'm going to get a hotel. Great. And if she wants to throw another, she gets to do that. But no, dude. And part of family stuff is being uncomfortable. So we're all going to pile in the same room. Great.

Wonderful, good. But no, you are not the problem. You are a great mom looking after your kids. And again, it doesn't always, in fact, I'll even go rarely. It often doesn't go to, I think something abusive is going to, no, it is, I'm going to give my three-year-old daughter a comfortable sleeping experience, which is going to be inner parents in a strange house with strangers with me and my family. And I'm going to be uncomfortable to make that thing happen. Ta-da. It's just, it's no-brainer.

Easy peasy. You feel good about that, Kelly? Yep, I do. Good call. Yeah. Holidays are messy, dude. And hey, you're getting this podcast on the back end of the holidays. Well, for too much time passes, if you're married, get with your spouse, and you all sit down and just reflect.

Be honest about the experience. And let that inform next year. Because next year's going to be just like this year. Be reflective about it, how you feel, how you experience each other, the things that we're were awesome, the things that were uncomfortable, and the things I do not want to have happen. And make sure you write those things down because next year's coming. Love you guys. Bye. All right, let's talk about your marriage.

Right now, we have February and October weekends on sale for the money in marriage getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at $749 bucks a couple. Get yours at ramsysolutions.com slash getaway. Thank you.