The Dr. John Delony Show - My Wife Says She Doesn't Love Me Anymore

Episode Date: May 31, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: -       A man wondering if his marriage can be saved -       A woman struggling with how her mom treats her brother -       A woman unsure if moving out of state is the right decision Offers From Today's Sponsors 10% off your first month of therapy at BetterHelp!   3 free months of Hallow  25% off Thorne orders  20% off Organifi with code: DELONY 20% off + 2 Free Pillows at Helix Sleep Next Steps 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or click here! 📚 Get Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Take the Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  Listen to More From Ramsey Network 🎙️ The Ramsey Show   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/compa…

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. She's been talking to this guy the last week and a half after she told me a third time that she was breaking it off with him. So for 14 years, you belittled your wife. She got the clear message she was beneath you. Five weeks ago, you decide it's all going to be different. You're pissed off? Dude, who do you think you are, man? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show talking about your relationships

and your emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. Your anxiety, depression, your OCD, that may be part of it, but also how are your kids doing? How are you doing? How's your marriage? How's your dating life? How's your work relationships? Whatever you got going on in your life, here's my promise. I'm going to sit with you. Real people going through real challenges. I'm going to sit with you and we're going to figure out what's the next thing we could do. What's the next right step in this world going sideways? And I could already feel the tension starting to slowly slowly ramp up with election season starting and all of the mess the interest rates

connect to people make sure you got connections make sure you got real human beings in your life get off the freaking social media get off get off get off, get off, get off, get off. Talk to your friends. Talk to your friends. Talk to your friends. And if you don't have any friends, if you don't have anybody you can sit down with and just connect with, this show will be like a distant second substitute for you, right? So glad that you've joined us and you've given us your most precious resource, your time. All right, let's roll out to Fort Wayne, Indiana and talk to ZACH. What's up, Zach? Hey, how you doing? Good, man. How about you? I've been better, of course. Yeah, man. What's up? Okay. So I've been with my wife for, we've been together since we were four, uh, for 14 years. I, uh, I'm 32. I met her when I was 19. We had a child at 20. And I've always just kind

of been a butthead to her, to be honest. Every now and then I would demean her or make little comments. And I would say it started really getting bad about six weeks ago. We were doing some work in the yard and I really just blew up on her over the stupidest little thing. And then about a week later, we're just constantly arguing and dividing from each other. And then about a week or two later, she told me that she thought she was falling out of love with me. And it just really crushed me. I never would have thought that those words could come out of her mouth. And she told me that the way I treat her is I'm not treating her the right way. And I completely owned it. I mean, I said, everything you said is absolutely correct. You know, and I said, I don't

want my son, our son growing up thinking that this is how you're supposed to treat women. And I mean, since that day, I have treated her like an angel. I mean, I've done everything and just constantly telling her I love her, giving her hugs, kisses. But that was a Saturday night. And then Monday night, she ended up telling me that she was in communication with a guy she met on TikTok. And she told me she broke it off with him. And I asked her what was the subject about? And she said, it was just somebody to talk to about what I'm going through my mental, you know, health. And she said, it was never anything flirtatious or anything like that.

She said, it was just a stranger that I could talk to, but she said, I broke it off with him and I'm going to focus on us. And I said, I'm all in with you. Let's rebuild this. And we went about two weeks and it was just absolute honeymoon phase. I mean, we were just never, it was great. And then I went through her phone two weeks after that and found that she was on Snapchat with the guy and I confronted her about it. And she said, okay, well, I didn't, I didn't think you were really going to change. And I wanted to keep this friendship with the guy. And she said, okay, well, I didn't think you were really going to change. And I wanted to keep this friendship with the guy. And she said, I'll break it off with him. And I'm like, okay, I guess I'll give you a second chance. I'm kind of heartbroken again that you would keep this from me.

And then about a week and a half later, which was just yesterday, I went through the call logs on AT&T.com, which I feel bad because I'm constantly digging at all this, but every time I dig, I find something. And I confronted her yesterday that she's been talking to this guy for 30, 40, 50 minutes a day the last week and a half after she told me a third time that she was breaking it off with him. And I'm just super confused. I don't really know how to handle this. Now she's saying that she's all done talking to him. And I'm like, well, how do I trust you now? You've been lying to me for the past three weeks about this. So that's really all I got. So for 14 years, you belittled your wife. She got the clear message she was beneath you.

You're the smart one. You're the fast one. You're the quick one. You are the provider. You're all this stuff. Mm-hmm. I always thought she was beneath me. Yeah, you did.

And she's got that message For a decade and a half And then five weeks ago You decide It's all gonna be different Yeah And four Hold on hold on hold on Four weeks into this

You're pissed off That she's not just like Oh alright Dude You're belittling her again Did she lie to you? Yes no question about that She's not on the, oh, all right, dude, you're belittling her again. Did she lie to you? Yes, no question about that.

She's not on the phone to defend herself. Just you. Okay. Bro. As you were talking, here's the words that kept coming to my mouth. Dude, who do you think you are, man? That's how I feel. No, I don't. I feel like I'm two inches tall that I've treated her like this the last 14 years.

And I wish I could fast forward 14 years from now and show her that I can treat her well. I know, but look, here's what you tried to do. You tried to fix this by doing things that you like doing or that you think that she would like. I'm going to buy her flowers and hug her and kiss her. Yeah. You didn't get down on both knees and say, my God, will you forgive me? How can I love you? And so when you decided to fix this thing by showing her more affection and loving her,

you did it how you wanted to do it, which is, again, belittling. I pushed her away by being so close to her. I mean, I can't believe she's put up with you for this long, man. I can't either. I told her that. I said, I don't know why you're still with me after 14 years. She's created a fantasy where somebody that she's never met, now she's talked to on the phone.

Is she on a dangerous trajectory? No question about it. There's no question about that But at least that guy will listen to her, right? At least that guy makes her feel alive again makes it or that guy feels it makes her voice feel like it matters because her own husband she doesn't Right that guy asked her how her day at work went Yeah, I never did that

So, I mean i i'm i'm yes I get I get being hurt like oh gosh my wife's gonna leave me that can be a rattling moment or my wife has feelings for somebody else by the way just to say this at the outset the phrase fall out of love is just nonsense it's it's just a it's a dumb thing to say um it's a you don't fall in love you don't fall out of love. She stopped. She just threw her hands up because there was no connecting with you. You were too important and powerful and wonderful and great, and she was too stupid and dumb. Yeah, and she never thought she could come and talk to me

because my arrogance, I would just blow her off. Right. Bro, if you want to save this sucker, it starts with you begging for forgiveness and saying, how can I love you? And let her speak into that. And when you go, well, I don't, you got to stop all that. Okay. Quit saying hi so much.

It's not even saying hi. What are you talking about? Saying hi. No, I. Oh, yes. Yes. It's we. It's we. It's us.

Okay. Because here's the deal. You felt bad. You felt bad. You decided to change. You started doing new things. And nowhere do I hear, we decided to redesign our marriage. And so, again, all of the things you're doing to save this thing,

you're continuing to leave her out bobbing in the middle ocean while you were sitting on the island. Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah. Bro, where does this arrogance, where does that come from, man? What are you scared of?

I don't know. I don't know. I grew up, I mean, my dad remarried when I was about eight, and he was in a very toxic relationship with his now ex-wife again. So is your wife. She's in a toxic relationship. I know, absolutely. And I don't know, I just, I never knew, and it's not an excuse, I was just never shown how to treat a woman and love her and just accept her for who she is and everything. And don't just accept her, who she is and and everything and don't just accept her honor her cherish her yeah like wake up every day um so excited that you get to provide for this amazing person who gave you children who takes care of your home right it makes makes

contributes to the house like contributes to the finances of the house all that stuff but i do your friends do you act like this with your buddies or at work too? Is this kind of the way you enter into the world or do you just dump all this on your wife? A little bit. I mean, I do have a level of arrogance at work and I do feel entitled. And I don't know. I just feel like it's all gone now and I'm trying to not let it come back. I'm trying to be a better person.

I am. It's hard. I'm going through my first therapy session at 3 o'clock today to talk to another therapist locally here. Yeah, I mean, I'm doing everything I can. I got you. I got you. For whatever reason, whatever went on at your house,

whatever went on in high school and whatnot, you've developed this tough guy exterior. Mm-hmm. And man, it's going to cost you everything. This bravado. It's going to cost you everything, dude. Is that worth it? Right?

And in an effort to not take imaginary punches or more importantly to punch first everywhere all the time, right? Do you have a big truck? No, I don't. I have a company truck, but it's just a little truck. But I mean, she drives a Grand Cherokee, but it's bigger, I guess. I was just fishing there. I was just seeing if you were going to complete the stereotype for me. All right, good. All right, so here's the thing. I actually honor that. I get that you don't have a picture or a model of what this looks like. And I also know what it's like to be trapped. And I know this isn't working and this is hurting me and it's hurting everybody I love.

And I don't know the next right step. Do you have some men in your life you could talk to? Yeah, I've been going out. I've got a great buddy since middle school, and he's been keeping in touch and checking in with me every day. Okay, guys, that's not the right guy. Okay. I'm talking about a couple of men who are 10 years older than you

that you can say, I'm a complete ass to my wife, and I've got to stop. I'm going to lose my family, and I've got this built-up arrogance inside of me where I think I'm better than everybody. And I know I'm not, but I can't stop. Can you help me? Yeah. There's a couple of works, guys at work I could talk to. They're a little older than me. Yeah. If you talk to him, can you be honest with him? Can you take him out to lunch and say, I'm going to buy lunch, but I got to be totally straight up honest with you. I'm not okay. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, definitely. I have nothing to hide.

Here's going to be the scariest part. Actually, your situation, like people call with borderline personality disorder, all these different things. Your situation, I think is one of the hardest things to heal from. And here's why. Because all the way you interact with the world is to protect yourself from one thing. And that is ever, ever being vulnerable in a position where somebody can roll over on you. And I don't know when that happened in your childhood, but it did. And it did bad. Up with a big brother who was a tough guy and, you know, everybody feared him and everybody, you know, he would beat everybody up. Nobody messed with him. And I always thought I had to put that shield on as well that's right

and that shield is going is is made it impossible to be married to and it's made it impossible for your kids to love and connect with their dad yeah you know what they're gonna have to do they're gonna have to go out in the world and be tough guys because they don't know how to feel because they've never hugged their dad for real. And this whole cycle is going to start over. That came from your granddad to your dad to your brother, and it's just going to go through your family line unless you stop and turn and say enough. And the scariest part for you is the only path forward is risking getting hurt. And I'm going to tell you, your wife may leave you. She may take your kid and go because you've been awful to her for a decade and a half.

I hope she doesn't. But I want you to see her. Yes, she's not being right. And yes, if she's on the phone, I'd be letting her have it too, because that's not the way to solve this problem and I didn't yell at her I just asked her very calmly can you explain this

like I don't have the energy I can't argue with her anymore sure yeah but even like explain explain what that I haven't felt safe in my own home

for a decade and a half that I've never felt loved I've just felt like a child in my own home like what I know what you're and this guy actually asked me how I day went for God's sakes. Yeah. Yeah. I own every, I own all of it. I do. Okay. And it's so hard for me to admit it. I know. I know it is. I know it is. And you are, you are bucking family tradition right now in this call. And I honor you for that. But ownership has two parts to it. One is choosing reality, admitting it.

And the second part of ownership is to go do differently. Okay. You got to act differently. Yeah. You got to say, I don't know. And so here's what I would love for you to do.

How many kids you got? Just one boy, 12 years old. Awesome. Here's your homework for this week. I want you to ask your wife, would you go to a nice dinner with just us? I have some things I want to tell you.

Okay. And then if she says yes, say, we're not going to talk about the other person. We're not talking about any of that stuff. I just need to talk to you about some things. If she says yes, I want you to spend some time alone

writing a letter that you're going to read to her. Okay. And that letter is going to be, start with, love of my life, I'm so sorry. Okay. And then if you want to work through,

like, I didn't have a picture of what treating a woman looked like, and I have done it all wrong for 15 years yeah I sent her a text like that text message is bullcrap on a stick with a pony okay lit on fire okay okay text message is how my 14 year old son talks to his friends in text messages that's not it you have to look at her and say these words. Okay. Okay. You have to feel that discomfort. That's vulnerability. And she might look at you and go, I'm done. And vulnerable means I'm risking looking at somebody and saying, this is all of me. Do you still love me? And

that's what you're going to be doing. And that's terrifying for you. Yeah. She told me she wants to work it out that she sees me making changes and she wants to make this work. But I want you to tell her in that letter, I immediately tried to solve me, my 15 years of being an ass to you by doing a bunch of stuff that I thought, and I never bothered to ask you. And she's probably going to look at you and say, I don't even know what I need. I don't even know what I want. I just know I can't do this. I bought her flowers. Do what? I bought her flowers. I bought her flowers a week ago and she was like mad at me because she was like, you've never bought me flowers. You're trying too hard. Well, I was like, I was like, you're absolutely correct.

Just ask her. I was like, I feel bad. Ask her, how can I love you today? Okay. Start that way and tell her I'm going to start asking you every morning and every evening. How can I love you today? Okay. Can I ask you a question? Go for it. How do I, like, I'm afraid of investing all this. And then I find out that she is still communicating with this guy.

Like, I feel like there's some trust gone that I take responsibility for. I know I caused this, but I'm having a hard time too, like starting to trust her and rebuild this once again. After you have told her that you're going to begin asking her every day how you can love her better, it's fair to say I can't breathe

knowing that some other person is your go-to. And I can't breathe knowing that some other person is your go-to okay and I can't breathe and see what you're doing is you're starting with the word I you're not saying you can't do this

and you need to get off the I can't breathe knowing I've put you in a position where you have to go to somebody else just to get the words how was your day okay I've put you in a position to

have nobody to talk about what's going on during your day? I've put you in a position to have nobody to talk about what's going on during your day because I just come home and I'm a bulldog in my own house. Now, is this 100% you? No. But this is just, I'm going to take all, if you've ever watched Jocko's original TED

talk, all these things went bad. He was the guy in charge and he said, it's on me. And you for 15 years have said I'm the head honcho. Alright, well then own it all then. Okay? Is that fair? No, it's not fair, but let's just take it all. And then at the very end

you can say, I can't move forward without a commitment to you that we've got no outside people speaking to this. It's just going to be you and it's just going to be me. Okay? We've got a commitment to you that we've got no outside people speaking to this. It's just going to be you and it's just going to be me. Okay. Okay. Yep.

And I think it's fair to say I'm not going to sneak around and go through your crap anymore. I don't want to live like that. Okay. Okay. And also, as you get two, three, five weeks into this, two months into this, six months months into this it's fair to say hey i want to circle back how am i doing are you feeling loved and she might she's gonna uncover different ways right this thing's got 15 years of the layers on top of it and she met you really young and she got a kid right out of the gate she doesn't even know what she what she doesn't know yeah right

she's never felt safe and fully wrapped up in love with somebody who's like, my mission in life is to make sure you're whole. She's never experienced that. All this is going to be new. Yeah, she's never felt whole. No. All this is going to be new. And so it's fair to say, are you communicating with that guy?

Right? And this is after you all get some rapport, you start building some trust back. And then if you feel that, that anchoring in your soul, you can say, would you be willing to show me your text messages or your whatever? Okay. That's not for right now. It's not for right now. No, no, no. Yeah. Is that fair? Yeah. Yeah. I'll wait six weeks. Okay. I'm proud of you. Thank you. It's hard.

Dude. I know it's hard. You're changing your entire family tree right now. Yeah. I'm changing my whole personality. Dude, I know it's hard. You're changing your entire family tree right now. You're changing it all. Yeah, I'm changing my whole personality. Yes. I mean, I am. Yes. And sometimes changing that personality means we have to change all of our actions. So do something ridiculous like wake up early.

Go get a cold plunge or get some ice. Take a cold shower in the morning. Start exercising in the morning. I have been, yeah. I've been eating way better. I've been drinking a lot more water. I've been going for walks. Good. You have to start doing different things if you want different results. That's right. That's right. So, so change it all. Change the whole thing up, man. And when you find yourself, you're going to get angry. You're going to get,

um, you're going to lose a job. You're going to miss a sale. Something's going to happen. And you're going to find old you coming out swinging. You have to be willing to say, hope here he is. Here he is. Here he is. I'm gonna go for a walk. I need to step out. I need to do dinner by myself tonight. I love you with all I got. And I got to go do something else, right? This is gonna be a long-term practice. You have to unwind 30 years of you not liking yourself and taking it out on other people. Proud of you for all the steps you're making, man. Be in this for the long haul. You're worth it.

She's worth it. And that 12-year-old little boy is worth it too. His kids are going to be so grateful that granddad put a stick in the rock and said, no more, no more. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life

and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy,

I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Richmond, Virginia and talk to Stephanie. Hey, Stephanie, what's up? Good morning, Dr. Deloney. Thank you for taking my call. Of course.

What's going on in your world? So my question kind of boils down to how can I help my mom realize that my brother deserves a better life? You can't. What's the story? What's the story? So my younger brother is approaching his, he's now in his late 20s. He has never had a job, has lived at home his whole life, and he does have Asperger's, but my mother encourages and enables his inaction.

And so anytime I bring it up saying, Hey, here's some ways that you might be able to do stuff because he stated multiple times that his goal is to have independence, but he refuses to take action. And my mother enables and encourages, like I said, his inaction to meet his goal. How old is he? He is 28 or he's 27 about to turn 28. I can't tell you how often I've run across this over the course of my career where parents actually over time get their self-worth by taking care of their kid. And when the greatest way to take care of your kid

would be to let them go or to let them expand their world. That is a hundred percent. I even wrote that down whenever I was just kind of thinking about- Parents lose their identity and they can't let it go. Yeah, golly, man.

And then the kid's the one who suffers, right? Because at some point your mom won't be here and your brother will be 45 years old. Yeah. Yeah. My greatest fear is that whenever she passes, that he will follow quickly behind at his own hand. Jeez, man. And so I'm assuming you've sat down and had this hard conversation before. How'd that go? We have had that conversation and he shut down on it. My mom did proceed to actually

get a will in place. And so we have a trust set up for him because with everything for him, he's got lots of legal stuff going on in terms of benefits and stuff. So we did proceed. I did kind of force her to fill out a will. And that's whenever my brother started saying, I want independence. I want to live on my own. I want to do all of this grown-up stuff because he is an adult. And yet, anytime it's brought up now, the statement is, I'll think about it. Well, yeah. I mean, depending on how high-functioning he is, anything he does is going to be a slight to his mom. Right? He's going to feel disloyal. Yes.

If he goes and gets a job, he's going to feel like he is being disloyal to mom. If he goes and moves in his own apartment, mom's going to say things like, I can't do this without you. What's going to happen to my baby? Right? And depending on how he is,

and again, that's such a wide spectrum, but depending on how he is internalizing those social situations, it feels like someone's lighting a fire inside of his chest. Yeah. Unless you know him, he's just a little quirky. Like he's socially awkward. And so. I am too.

Exactly. It's like I'm socially awkward. He just takes it to a whole new level. Sure. Yeah. But he would be in your, you've, I mean, you've known him for, for 30 years in his, in your estimation, he could go get a job. He could live on his own. He could have a fun life. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Like I even, I haven't sent it over to him,

but I even put together a spreadsheet on how he can like learn the different things, kind of take care of a house and learn it slowly so he can learn it over time and kind of help him proceed with becoming, with gaining that independence. But I haven't sent it over because I'm not sure if that's overstepping or not. What does a meltdown in his world look like? He kind of goes catatonic. Okay. He just kind of shuts down, doesn't talk, just kind of stares off into the distance. Okay. So he doesn't engage in self-harm or he doesn't destroy things or get overwhelmed? Okay. Just goes to mute. Okay.

Here's my opinion on this. Y'all are all adults, so I don't know there's an overstep here. Just know that whatever step you take may cost you something. I'm of the opinion. I'm prepared for that for him. That's, that's, I would be read. I would be, I don't want there to be a conversation left unsaid if something goes sideways. Okay.

I want to know that I opened up my house and said, hey, you come live with me and transition over the next five months from here to a full working adult and I'll help you get an apartment. Or, hey mom, you have to give them a deadline. I don't have to do anything. Like, whatever. And she doesn't, by the way. Yeah. But be able to say, like, I think what you're doing is abusive. I think what you're doing is cruel.

It's cruel. Yeah. And she can say, get out and never talk to me again. At this point, maybe at 15, i wouldn't say anything right because you're just a kid living under somebody else's roof but at at your age at his age i'm gonna have direct conversations with adults and hopefully they can handle it like adults and then he's gonna need a ton of grace man this whole thing's gonna be new to him he said 10 years of his adult life stolen from him. Yeah.

Those are the exact words that I've had in my head. Does he have a college degree? No, no. He went to a semester and failed out because he didn't want to do the homework. Okay.

Does he have any ABA resources? Is he working with somebody in a local community yes he has an aid and they're supposed to be teaching him how to do stuff around the house and like gain that independence that he's looking for but i have seen no action in many years okay yeah i i don't see any major thing happening unless your mom kicks him out okay and you and I both know that's probably not going to happen

yeah he is not going to suddenly I mean it would be strange for him to suddenly like see the light and just move out and become autonomous yeah does he love you does Does he respect you? He and I have our difficulties, but yes.

I mean, are you in a position that he could come stay with you for a few months while he transitioned from mom's house to the real world? Possibly. I live across the country, so it'd be taking him out of a pretty big comfort zone. Yeah. I wonder even if that offer... Okay. If you sent him...

Again, I know there's a wide range of functioning here, so I may be under or overselling things, but I wonder what a... Let's say he is in California and you're in Richmond. It'd be pretty cool to mail him a box with a book on

Richmond, a fiction book on Richmond, a map of Richmond. I don't know what he's into, but a way that he could begin to wrap his head around this mystical place on the other side of the planet. And for someone who doesn't go anywhere, who doesn't do anything and lives probably a pretty isolated social media internet life you can begin to visualize yourself in different spaces in a way that others might be able to pick up a little bit quicker maybe nonsense maybe total nonsense

I'm just trying to think of a way to flip a switch where you would have some sort of seat at the table here but it's going to cost like I said it's going to cost you your own man four months of right yeah seat at the table here, but it's going to cost, like I said, it's going to cost you your own, man, four months of, right? Yeah.

And maybe that's not possible. For him, yeah, I'm willing to do it. It might take a little convincing on my husband's side, but I can work on that. Yeah.

Some folks shut down as they begin to feel a little bit more independence and responsibility. Others begin to, they'll smile. They like it. They've never had it and it feels good. It's like doing a workout for the first time.

You're like, oh man, I'm stronger than I thought. This feels good. I can't wait to get in here tomorrow. The next day you're sore. It's just going to be a walkthrough. But I'm totally in your camp. I just can't sleep anymore, not having hard conversations with people that I love and care about, especially when

somebody's being cruel. And I don't say this lightly, but your mom's stolen a decade of his life by coddling and overprotecting. And I know that because I've worked at multiple universities. I've worked at law school. I mean, I was a doctoral professor. I've met with students who are diagnosed as high-functioning autistic, and they're amazing. They're amazing how they solve problems and get through the program. Does it take some extra support services? Of course it does. And are they people I would hire? Yes.

And I've also seen lower-functioning or even inaudible autistic kids, college students, so they're grownups, do amazing things like in theater programs and other educational outputs. So the name of the game is early and the name of the game is resources and support and the name of the game is scaffolding. I'll walk with you, but I can't hold this thing up. I believe in you and I trust in you. And unfortunately for your brother, he hadn't got that. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry for him.

I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry for your mom. I mean, that's just tough. But yeah, I'm with you. Don't leave any conversation unspoken while also knowing your mom may cut you off. Your brother may cut you off. You may lose a lot.

And if it's worth it that you can sleep at night, and I say more power to you. Thanks for the call, Stephanie. Appreciate you. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though though is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious,

if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family,

a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Halo, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide,

your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the Hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it, and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself. And sometimes you do this with a group and hallow helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, hallow right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three

free months when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app. When you go to hallow.com slash Deloney, go right now and change your life. All right, let's roll out to Toledo, Ohio and talk to Jake. What's up, Jake? Not much, Dr. John. What's up with you? Pardon, man. What's happening? All right, so I'm just going to get right into it. So the last several months, I've really been considering moving out of state. And the reason I'm calling is I have three nieces that I'm very close to. I love very much. I see them almost every day. I'm on FaceTime with them every single day, usually multiple times a day. And when I think about moving, I want to do it, but I just feel this immense guilt at the thought of leaving

these girls when I'm such a big part of their life. And I don't, I guess my question is, am I being selfish for moving out of state and leaving those girls behind? And also will it have any long-term negative impact on them? Man, dude, they're lucky to have you. Thank you. You're like the best uncle ever, huh? I love him very much. Do you get to, well, I could just go down a rabbit hole. I love great uncles and aunts. I feel like they just get licensed to kind of just be bananas, and I love it. Yeah.

I love it, man. Yeah, that's what I do. Good. My sister, sometimes she's like, Uncle Jakey, why are you teaching them that? I'm like, it's my job. It's mine. It's my job. It's my, that's your job. I told all my nieces like, hey, when the time comes for tattoos, I'm buying and I'll go with you. Right. So yes. Good for you. All right. So

the ultimate answer to your question is your nieces will be fine. You, even if you moved to Beijing tomorrow, you would still stay connected to them. You'd still FaceTime them. You'd still write them letters. So you would be less present, but they're going to be fine. They've got good moms and dads, I'm assuming. They got good parents? Yes. Great. Yeah. So they're going to be fine. Are they going to miss you like all get out? Of course they are. You're an amazing uncle. My fear is that you have talked yourself into a circle here because you want to go explore and see're blaming them or they're going to be the reason, uh, they're going to be the reason you can't go. So I don't want them to have that responsibility. I want you just to be, how old are you?

28. Yeah, dude, I want you to be 28 and just say, I'm a 28. I'm a grownup. I can do whatever I want. I know. And that's, that's how I feel. I just, I mean, like I said, 28 single, debt-free, like, if there's a time to make a big move, this is it. I don't feel like it could get any more perfect. It was probably five years ago,

but yeah, go! Where do you want to go? Yeah, Austin, Texas. Like, the other half of the known universe is going to Austin. Dude, it's a great place to be. It's a fun place to be. It's chaotic.

There's great music. There's out of this world food. There's all kind of rando, fun people to meet. Brilliant people. Yeah, totally. With everything that's going on down there, and there's so many more opportunities to go experience different things. And I've lived in the same small town my whole life.

I've never lived anywhere different. I've never lived away from my family. And I just want that freedom. I want to be able to do something on my own. And I just, I do feel bad for leaving the girls. And my sister, which I, she's, this isn't a bad thing. I know she's just concerned, but she, you know, you're one of their favorite people. You're one of their most important people.

I know, but. You're probably also a free babysitter too, aren't you? I do help out. Yeah, you do. Yeah. And you give her, your sister, who's probably amazing, an excuse to not dig in and get deeper friendships to get more connected to get on that app where you interview babysitters because we got uncle Jake we always

got uncle Jake and so yeah you've probably heard me say this a lot I always want people to choose guilt over resentment and if you don't go now by the way put back up what do you do for a living I'm a realtor okay so you're gonna get your Texas license

and just start slinging houses that's the plan all right great timing for realtors right now right geez yeah so I would make a plan to go and then i would give myself 24 months if i haven't made a sale in 24 months in two years and i've burned through everything i got um that market's hot but the real estate the realtors are hot there too right everybody's cooking so i'm gonna go down there and give it a shot and i got 24 months just like i'm getting a graduate degree and when it's over i can go go back to Toledo with my head held high. I went and experienced something cool. It was fun.

And now I'm going to go be with my family. Or you find your gang, you find your tribe, you get plugged in and you start doing great work. I mean, the whole thing sounds awesome. I don't want you to end up 45, still in the same small town, wishing and wondering what it would have been like, and you to slowly resent those nieces of yours. Yeah. I couldn't leave because of y'all. I couldn't do it because of y'all.

They can't carry that burden. It's not theirs to carry. Yeah. I think it'd be fun to go, man. And by the way, I'm also becoming more and more um i don't i don't have a like a very clean way to say this so it's still in the thought jumbled thought process in my brain but i've been reading a lot on the history of families in the history of marriages in the history of um how people did

life and for all of human history we've grown up with a whole bunch of cousins and aunts and uncles and wackadoos and regulars and just strays in our homes and so this idea that we just do life all by ourself and we pack up like i want you to know there's going to be a season of loneliness that you're gonna have to work really hard to overcome yeah okay because all the things that make to like toledo ohio like this small. Yeah. Okay. Because all the things that make Toledo, Ohio, like this small town, suffocate you, is also the thing that pumps oxygen into your blood. Yeah.

You know who to call. You know how things work. You know the culture. You know the language. You know how everything works. And you're going to go to a totally new environment. And so your first thing, like you're going to get a place to live.

The second thing you do, before you start hitting all the Mexican food spots, the second thing you do, you're going to find a gang. You're going to find a tribe. You can find a group of people to like plug into and to get close with. And that's going to be the way to go. So I'm proud of you, dude. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. And let's also say this. If you get on for six months and it's awful, you make no sale. You've got no friends. Go back. Break your lease for a couple of grand and go back to Toledo. You're not in the pass fail game. You're in the life experience game. You can go experience something. And if people in Toledo are like, oh, we knew it. You'd be back. Yeah. I love you guys. Cool. Y'all want like an award or something?

You didn't fail anything. You didn't fail anything. You didn't fail anything. You went and saw some cool stuff. And so even if it's 28, you don't owe anybody anything in the world. You have a relatively transferable professional position. Just take a six-month hiatus. Go do it right now.

Go have fun. Before life's responsibilities get heavier in other places. But I'm all for it, dude. And I think you honor those little girls. You write them letters every week or every other week. You FaceTime every few days. You're not going to be as disconnected as you think you are, even though you won't be there in person. And you're always going to be one flight away. Or from Austin to Toledo, maybe seven flights and four hours of driving. But, dude, I'm proud of you. They are lucky to have Uncle Jake in their life. It's amazing.

Go get them, dude. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. I am just super excited to announce I'm hitting the road with my buddy Dave Ramsey this spring on a brand new tour. Just us two. And we're putting a new twist on this thing. We're going to talk about money. We're going to talk about relationships. And we're going to tell stories y'all have never heard before. It's going to be an incredible fun night. But every night is going

to be totally different because you, the audience, are going to help choose what we talk about. You heard that right. It's going to be like no event you, the audience, are going to help choose what we talk about. You heard that right. It's going to be like no event you've ever been to. We're kicking it off in Louisville on April 21st, 2025. And then we're going to Durham, Atlanta, Phoenix, Fort Worth, and then Kansas City. You're going to laugh. You're going to learn. And if we do our jobs right, you're going to change your life.

Get your tickets for the Money in Relationships Tour today at ramsaysolutions.com slash tour. All right, we're back. Am I the problem? Let it rip, Kelly. All right, this is from Ashley in Austin. She says, am I the problem, or rather, is my husband the problem? Or rather. Yes, so this was a little convoluted.

That's a good Taylor Swift cut. Like, no, you're the problem the problem it's you that'd be a great part too it's you all right we do not like my sister's boyfriend there's a lot to this but the main points are he doesn't fight for his daughters the way a father should he allows them to be in harm's way at their mother's house and refuses to fight for custody she She hasn't given any reason for this, so there we go. He has cheated at least once on my sister, and my sister isn't confident that it won't happen again. When they argue, he's extremely disrespectful. He says mean things just to win, and he gaslights her. I told my sister that I do not support her relationship, but I always will be there for her. Next year,

we're planning a family vacation at my father-in-law's vacation home to celebrate my parents' wedding anniversary. My husband has stated that because it's his family's home, he can set the boundaries and that my sister's boyfriend is not welcome. I honestly don't know if my sister would come or not if we said that he wasn't welcome is my husband being a child or is that a fair boundary for him to set i think i live by the idea that anybody can create any boundary that they would like to create and the ripple effects happen as ripple effects happen but um i mean just listening i don't want that idiot in my house. And I probably would allow it because I tend to lean towards peace. But what I don't allow is those behaviors in my house.

And so I'd probably let him come. And I might even have, like, I might even call him or have a face-to-face conversation and say, I appreciate the way you talk to kids. That's not going to happen in this house at this time. You can come. We'd love to have you. But anytime this happens, you're out. Okay. And I just want everybody to be on the same page.

And then he gets to opt in or out too. That's probably how I'd handle that. I just don't do well with people disrespecting kids. I don't do well with people disrespecting women. And I just don't. I don't do well with people disrespecting kids. I don't do well with people disrespecting women. And I just don't. I don't do well with disrespect. I just think it's stupid and it's ugly. And so that's probably how I'd handle that.

But no, the thing I want to say, that guy can't come to my house. He's not coming to my house. He can do whatever he wants, right? It might cost him. Maybe her sister's not going to show up. Okay. Her sister gets to decide that, right? What do you think?

I think you're right because I think that, I mean, he hasn't done anything like he's not starting fights or he's not been a jerk to them. And there's also a lot of, my only thing I question

is a lot of like, well, I heard this from her that he's done this. So, it makes you wonder. But I would probably do the same thing i would probably say of course he can come because their relationship is between them um assuming he's not hurting

people not hurting his daughters and who knows the real situation um but maybe a conversation would be a good idea but he does get to set the boundaries but again you gotta then deal with the consequences comes the consequences and And I have no problem. I've had to do this over the years, like step out and just be like, hey, we're not – you can't say that in here. You can't say that here. It's not funny here. Everybody cool? Yeah, it's cool.

I've never had somebody be like, are you kidding me? Because it's my house, right? And if I'm at somebody's house and that's going on, I can leave. I say, hey, it's time for us to bounce, right? And so, yeah, I think it's just taking ownership, but that's what I would do. That's what I would do. So, are you the problem?

I don't think there's a problem here. I think it's just somebody needs to set a boundary and then just deal with the consequences of it. And hold! Hey, thank y'all so much for being with us today. Be nice to each other. Set good boundaries. But also don't be a goofball about it. And tip somebody outrageously today. Just tip the waitress or the waiter

insanely. Insanely. Put some light out into the world. Love you guys. Bye.