The Dr. John Delony Show - My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years

Episode Date: March 10, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·      A man who just found out his wife wants a divorce ·      A husband unsure how to address his wife’s workaholic nature ·      A mother wanting to help her teenage son make friends Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at BON CHARGE. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.  💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne.  🏋️ Go to trainwell to get started!   Explore More From Ramsey Network:   🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I've been married for 23, almost 24 years, and my wife told me just a few weeks ago that she's leaving me and she wants a divorce. I'm sorry. Me too. What I'm going to say next is not popular and it's just real as I can possibly be. Is that okay? What in the world is going on in your life, in your head, in your chest, in your relationships? I'm John Delaney and I'm the host of the Dr. John Delaney show and I'm so grateful that you are with us. Talking about your mental and emotional health, your marriages, your parenting, your kids, your schools, whatever you got going on in your

life, here's my promise. I'll sit with you. Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry, sometimes we just sit in silence for a second, but I'll sit with you. We will figure out what's the next right move for you, for your kids, for your marriage, whatever you got going on. If you want to be on the show, this is real people man, this is as real as it gets, going through real challenges. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to John Deloney, D-E-L-O-N-Y, johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. All right, let's roll out to Arlington Heights, Illinois and talk to brother Dave. Hey, Dave, what's up, man? Hi, John. How's it going? I'm trying, I'm a little nervous because this is a

serious, I'm a little emotional. I've been married for 23, almost 24 years and my wife told me just a few weeks ago that she's leaving me and she wants a divorce. And, I'm sorry. Me too. And she won't talk about it. She won't consider anything. Yeah. She said, there's no point.

And, that's it. And ever since then, it's been like waking up to a nightmare every day. Yeah. And ever since then, it's been like waking up to a nightmare every day. Yeah. Um, is this a, a grenade pin that she pulled out of nowhere or have y'all been struggling, has she been struggling personally?

What's, what's the challenge? It is, it is a grenade, but she has been struggling and she's been struggling with paramedic paws. And, um, I've been trying to do whatever I can. And we got her one of those tests, you know, and just she's tried a few things and she's just wildly unhappy in general. And she's been happy for a long time. A couple of years at least. All right. You have kids? Four. Okay.

She just tired with her lot in life That's what it seems like. Okay, but but now it seems like it's just me. Yeah, you know, like it's all It's all pointed at me. Well, let me say this you're the you're the punching bag here. Okay, and You're you're you're gonna be responsible for the bomb blast, right? You've got four kids whose lives are about to get blown up, right? But also, you know as well as I do, intellectually, it doesn't matter because the pain is in your chest but you know this isn't all on you, right? You know that.

And that doesn't, I want you to hear that a year from now when you're coming out of the fog. That's not going to help right now. Right now It just sucks and I'll sit with you man. I'm sorry Thank you So a not uncommon thing So I'm not trying to offer a glimmer of hope I'm just trying to speak as honest I can and get get a fuller picture of what you're experiencing Sometimes when somebody is struggling with life change with this is, oh my gosh, this is going to be my life. I'm sick of being a mom of four kids. I'm sick of being a dad

who works like all that. And then you try medical interventions and then you try going into counseling. Sometimes just trying on the words, I want to divorce is almost like kind of like a fantasy. So since she said that, has there been any sort of meeting with attorneys, paperwork, have you been served papers, or has it just been like, I hear this, I'll say common, but more than I've ever heard the last few years, just this announcement,

I don't wanna be married to you anymore, but then life just keeps going the same way it has been. Adam Ligato Yeah, she's moving swiftly. I mean, there's been no serving of papers because I told her we got to work it out and figure out how we're going to do this. We haven't told the kids yet, but she's looking at mortgages and townhouses and she's bopping around like, and I asked her about it yesterday and she said that, you know, what I don't see is that she's upset and she's, you know, whatever, but she seems to be moving forward and we were supposed to take a trip at the end of the month, her and her father and I, which is something we do, and

I'm not going with. She's moving forward. Well, just know in her mind, this has probably been stewing for several years. For you, it's a shock. For her, because sometimes you think that when she said it, she just thought of it and y'all are both dealing with this. This may have been a release, like a relief. She'd been dealing with this for a long time. Well, and I've spoken to her over the years because I feel alone. She avoids me and she'll go to bed at eight o'clock and go upstairs.

I'm going to bed, but then she'll go and watch TV or playing her phone or whatever it is. Just not do with you. And I've asked her, right, just to get, I mean, she avoids me to the point where the kids even say something and it's been happening for a while where I'll go to hug her, just to hug for a minute, not just to love her, just to connect.

And it'll always be like, oh, you're hugging me too tight or I'm doing something or whatever it is. And we've had those conversations and every time we've had those, she's dismissed. I said, we got to figure out how to work on moving forward together and being a couple. The kids are growing up or we got to figure out how, you know, if you don't want to be with me, just tell me. And she always is adamant. No, no, this is it. We're in, I mean, she's my ride or die. This is, she's my best friend. We've been together half my life.

And so it does feel so out of the blue, like she, cause even just six months ago, she didn't, she dismissed that concept out of hand. Yeah. But now, boom, right after Christmas, she just said, that's it, and pulled pulled the pin and I don't I don't know what to do I don't know how to behave in the house. You just exhale for a second.

I'm sorry man. Me too. I'm sorry, dude. I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry for the gaslighting that's been going on in your house for several years. You've been walking around thinking you're crazy. Yeah. And I'm sorry for your kids.

They've been watching a married couple and they think this is what love looks like. I'm sorry for all of them, man. I'm sorry. What I'm going to say next is not popular and it's, it's just real as I can possibly be. Is that okay? Sure. One of my rules of thumb is when somebody declares I'm divorcing you.

The marriage as we knew it is over and we have now entered into a business transaction. And one thing you need to hold on to is my quote unquote best friend. She hasn't been your best friend for a long time because best friends tell each other the truth. You know what I mean? Best friends don't let each other starve to death of oxygen and connection and love. You're right. So you've entered into a business transaction. And so what I would do if I were you is I would get an attorney and I would begin going

through I don't know what kind of financial situation you're in. I would get assets, debt, whatever we got, and I would map them out with an attorney and all you're waiting on is her pieces of paper. And here's what that will give you. Number one, this gets real, real very fast. And the reality of if you're a dual income family, how can I pay the bills? How do I, I got four kids, we got kids in college.

I don't know how old your kids are, but I got coats. You know, you got all kind of stuff. This is just, I mean, and this is where the fantasy sometimes blows up because like people have this fantasy in their head and like, it's kind of like when an 18 year old's like, I'm moving out. Okay. Right. And then they come back and they're like, dude, I didn't know if cell phone bills were

so expensive and car insurance, that kind of stuff. Yeah. And so I would get a lawyer and Not somebody to go to war with and I'm gonna keep my dignity in my piece And of course, I'm not gonna ever bargain with my kids But I'm gonna put all that stuff down on a piece of paper that's gonna give me something to do with all of this energy all this angst and What that's gonna allow you to do and it's gonna sound weird it's gonna give you the peace to grieve And that way you don't get yourself caught flat-footed you don't get a crazy settlement

Offer you don't get some weird thing and then you're just pissed off and you're heartbroken and you're sad and you just sign something And then it's all off Yeah. One of the questions I get all the time is how do I save my marriage? And I want to tell you, you didn't, you're not the one that ended it. And it sounds like you've been carrying more than your fair share of the squat rack for the squat, the squat bar for a long time. I just feel like I could fix it or I could do more or I could work harder or I could, I don't know.

Is any of that true? It hasn't been. It clearly isn't now. Have you been a bad husband, Dave? I don't think so. Okay. I don't think she thinks so really deep down. Okay. You have any you have any guy buddies you can go

Sit somewhere and you can just be honest with Yeah, I've been engaging everybody I can for support. Yeah, but not blowing people up and texting all these crazy long texts. You have people you've gone to sat with. Yeah, I do. Okay, good. Will you make that a regular practice? Yes.

All right. And here's an unpopular other thing. Okay. I am of the belief that you never talk bad about the other spouse, but you don't lie to your kids either. Okay. I am of the belief that you never talk bad about the other spouse, but you don't lie to your kids either. Okay. So when y'all sit down to craft this story, it is fair to look at your wife and say, you will tell the boys you have chosen to end this marriage and leave because that is the truth. I will not participate in anything that's, that's not honest in that way. I'm not going to say you're a terrible person and your mom's evil and she ran out on us.

You will do the storytelling and I will fact check you as we go. And you will tell the boys that you're leaving us because you don't want us in your life anymore. Can I ask you another question? Yes, ask me anything you got man. Yeah. Well, there's four of them and there's two boys and there's two girls and the youngest is middle school. Yeah.

I feel like maybe we should talk to the big three first because the little one's going to feed off of the other three. I don't know how to do that. I don't, I can't even imagine. Yeah. It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare. It is. And some of this is

When you sit down with the lawyer what they'll do is they'll walk you through a series of questions and It might be I'm not I'm not going on my life without my kid So if you're gonna if you think you're gonna just take the kid with you or split custody 50-50 and I'm just gonna sign off on that I'm gonna fight you to the end of the moon or It may be this is your daughter and you feel over your head and her and your wife have a good relationship, whatever.

So I think it's getting some of those questions answered in your own mind before you sit down and see what kind of paperwork her attorney sends you. But the other side of that, your daughter's going to feed off you. Yeah. And your daughter's going to feed off mom. Yeah. And your daughter's gonna feed off mom. There will be some back draft from kids

and other kids in the family and all that, but that's the reality. I do like your plan though. I would start in with oldest, how old are your kids? 22, 20 and 18 and then we got a middle schooler. Do they, they live by each other? Is this a way you could take the oldest two and sit down and over coffee with them? I mean, we agreed that we were going to tell them together.

I don't, I feel like. I don't, I don't know if I should do that. Should I tell them myself? Um, it's killing. Should I tell them myself? It's killing me not to tell them. I was in the hospital last week. I had a heart thing. I had a SVT and my heart rate went to 254 and they had to do this thing where they flipped me over

and got it down to normal. Listen, Dave, your body is being torn in two. It's gonna do all kind of wild things. You're not broken, you're just being ripped apart. And I tell you that to tell you, when your body does wild things, just imagine a leaf on a river go with it don't try to start swimming dude, because you're not more powerful than the river and the The more you go with it the smoother sailing down that those rapids you're gonna be I'm thinking through in real time

If my wife walked in and said I'm leaving you I'm moving out. I'm getting through in real time. If my wife walked in and said, I'm leaving you, I'm moving out, I'm getting my own place, I don't wanna be married to you anymore, I would probably want to tell my kids on my own. I don't know if that's the right move or not, but I'm thinking through your situation and I probably would. The only reason I wouldn't is if I wanted to make sure

the story was told accurately and correctly with me at the table. Yeah. And so if you think your wife is trustworthy enough to, not trustworthy enough to blow your life apart and her life apart, but in the life apart of her kids, but she is trustworthy enough to tell the truth. No, I'm leaving your father.

I don't love him anymore, I'm leaving. If you trust her to do that, then so be it. I'll leave that to you. But I would probably call back. And here's the thing, kind of like a business transaction. You know when, like, let's say your supervisor were to come in and be like, hey, we got to talk about your job and this.

Like, you're going to start working later. We're going to have to lay you off. And you say something like, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Whatever we need to do, right? You get in that moment and it's so surreal and you kind of panic and you're gonna start working later. We're gonna have to lay you off and you say something like yeah, yeah, whatever whatever we need to do Right you get in that moment and it's so surreal and you kind of panic and you're kind of like, yeah Yeah, I just want to keep this job right That's where stepping back and understanding. Oh, we're in transaction phase now So everything from this point forward is negotiated out and it sounds surreal. This is your freaking wife of a quarter century

I don't negotiate stuff. You all build lives together and this is where you're at She said I'm a great point. Yeah, so when you say yeah, yeah, we'll tell the kids together Well now I've had a minute to think about it and no I'm telling them on my own you're blowing our life up I'm gonna sit down and walk our kids through it and you can tell her I will never speak ill of you But I will tell the truth Yeah, and I don't want you to lose your character your dignity in this in this in this season Same right so if you know if you're a guy that doesn't talk about about women You don't talk about about your wife stay the course even though she's hurting you in profound ways

Right. All right, okay Thank you I'll offer this man. Call anytime. Okay. Call anytime. I appreciate it. Will you do me one homework assignment? Sure. Do me two homework assignments.

All right. Write down a list of questions. Sit with yourself. Go to a coffee shop right now, take some time from work, whatever you got, go to a coffee shop and write down all of the practical questions. If this was a, if, if your wife had terminal cancer, there's the heartbreak, oh my gosh, I'm gonna be a single dad. There's all that. But then there's the, how much does a burial cost?

How are we going to get invitations at like all the nuts and much does a burial cost? How are we gonna get invitations? Like all the nuts and bolts, the business parts. Okay. Write those questions down. How do I get somebody off of a mortgage? Do I have to split up my 401? Like all those things that you don't know the answers to. That way when you walk in and sit in front of an attorney,

you're probably gonna just explode and start sobbing. You've already got that thing down, okay? That's number one. Number two, how old are you right now? 48. I want you to write yourself a letter to 55 year old Dave. Okay. I don't want you to apologize to him because you thought your life was going to look different.

I want you to tell him I'm sorry. I don't want you to tell him the things that you committed to doing the day you found out your life was no longer what it once was. And what you're doing is you're putting like kind of like a budget on your spending, you're putting boundaries on your grief. I'm about to go into the pit of hell, but I'm not going to drink. I'm going to go in the pit of despair and I'm not going to just live on internet porn and something like, you get what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah. So write yourself, a 55 year old you, seven years from now, a letter and said, I committed to these principles when I went off into the black hole for a while. Because brother, you're going into a black hole and it's right and it's holy and it's good. Okay. I'm sorry. Thank you.

Okay. Will you call me anytime? I will. Thank you. All right, brother. Thanks'm sorry. Thank you. Okay. Will you call me anytime? I will. Thank you. All right, brother. Thanks, John. Blessings to you, man. All right.

We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right. I was born and raised in Texas and I love the myth of the lone cowboy. The guy who doesn't need anyone or anything and who solves problems all by himself or himself. It's a fun story and it's a lie. In a society that's obsessed with your diet, your workout, your mental health, your job

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showing me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of peace too. So we can't really avoid living on the internets, but we can make our personal data personal again with DeleteMe. Get protected with DeleteMe today and get 20% off all of the DeleteMe plans. That comes out to less than $9 a month. Go to joindeleteeme.com slash Delony right now. That's join, J-O-I-N, deleteme.com slash deloney. All right, let's go out to Sasquatchian. Is that how you say that?

No, that's just Saskatchewan. Sasquatch land. Sure, go with that. Sasquatch Obi-Wan Kenobi. Canada, talk to Ryan. What's up, Ryan? Hey, Dr. John. What's up, brother? Not much. I've heard worse pronunciations of that.

I would break your heart to tell you I taught geography for a few years for high school kids. I was what was wrong with the Texas education system but such it is. What's up dude? Well I don't blame you it's okay we're a long ways from from? Well, I don't blame you. It's okay. We're a long ways from there. So. I don't know how to pronounce. Okay, that's all good. All right, so what's up? So my question today is,

how can I overcome bitterness and resentment towards my wife's career choice? Which, I was gonna ask you if she's an adult film star, but that'd probably be inappropriate. No., what does she do for a living? No, it's the furthest, it's not what you think, Dr. John. Okay, tell me what she does. Okay, well, right now she's currently like an administrator and at our church and oversees a nonprofit organization.

So she's dedicated her life to caring about everyone but you. Basically, in a sense, and it's been a slow evolution over the past kind of 12 years into that. It started out as a kind of an eight to five job or whatever and it's turned into something totally different. That's what ministries and nonprofits will do to you. They'll take every spare ounce of time and energy and hope and blood and guts you have. That's exactly right. Yep.

So what does she get? What does she get from, she's probably working 90 hours a week, right? Well, yeah, there are seasons that are really heavy and stuff, right? But yeah, like, and it just seems to get more tighter all the time and just, it used to be one fire every once in a while and now it's, everything's on fire all the time. So what does she get? I don't know.

Like she, she has been diagnosed with ADHD. I don't care about that. I don't know. Like she has been diagnosed with ADHD. I don't care about that. I don't care about any of that. No, I don't care about that. No. What is this workload and this external caring brings her something? brings her something? Probably fulfillment, I would think, and just purpose, I guess. She loves people. She loves caring for people and just trying to help people out, right? So what about you?

So what about me what? What is it about this life that you are resenting and you're bitter about? It's lack of focus on things at home and it just seems like every time that there's, I say yes and agree to something or whatever to try and help her out then it just gets put on me forever kind of thing and it's even just we have a daughter as well and it's just the time that and I'm self-employed so I don't have an eight to five job either So it's trying to be at home for her, get her to school on time. Just I don't want to do this alone at times either. Why haven't you sat down and told your wife across the table, I miss you and I'm doing

life by myself and I don't like the life that I'm creating by myself? Uh, we've discussed about, we've talked about it. Have you talked about that or have you talked about issues? We've talked about schedule and... Yeah, that's, those are distractions. Yeah. Those are distractions. Mm-hmm. I miss my wife.

I agreed to build something together with you not to be a personal assistant, but you ran off and saved other people's lives. Or we both went all in, all hands on deck. When this job was eight to five, now the job's changed. Now we have to reimagine our marriage because a huge part of our life has shifted. And let's just be honest about that shift and call it is what it is and let's make decisions from there. I can say that we've talked maybe not to the depth of that, right?

But it's more the fact that I'm scared that I will let my emotions or my tone or my resentment kind of bubble up. And if I really told her the truth, that it would destroy her too. So you're lying to your wife to protect her Probably in a roundabout way. Yeah. Yeah, don't do that. Yeah, because here's what she feels she knows you've got secrets She doesn't know what they are And the way she protects herself from the growing gap in your house, it's a dance, right? She creates this gap by working 85 hours a week. She gets tons of high fives and people looking at her with tear-filled eyes.

You saved the day. You saved my marriage. You saved my life. You fed our families, whatever her nonprofits are. And you have ministry is just like a vampire, dude. People want everything from everybody all the time and but there's immediate feedback and there's always a problem to solve and home can feel boring. Home can feel purposeless and when she does come home she's got a

husband that's keeping a big secret. I would say you're spot on there. And in a weird way, you're as out on the marriage as she is. Does that make sense? She's out physically, but you're out emotionally. Yeah, and I would say even that she's out emotionally too because she gets purpose or fulfilled in that rule and emotionally in a part from outside, right? Or from what she's doing. So you can, here's the thing,

you can choose to tell the truth and you can choose to do it in a way that you're not a jerk. And you're not an immature idiot. All that can be the same. And if you go into the conversation, I say this all the time, if you use I statements, not you statements. So what does that mean? If you all sit down and you say, Hey, we have to have a or what meeting?

What? What are you talking about? Oh, Ryan, this again. Our marriage is almost over. What? What are you talking about? Oh, Ryan, this again. Our marriage is almost over. What? We need to talk now. This weekend, eight o'clock in the morning on Saturday, I've got childcare already set up.

We're having this conversation. We have to. And if you sit down and you say, you've been working so much, you always leave me out, then she's going to go to war with you. She has to to preserve herself. But if you sit down and say, I've been keeping secrets from you. I miss you. You've built a life without me without our daughter.

We all miss you. This house misses you. Here's how I feel. However, I don't even know if it's true, but here's how I feel. That you choose the church over your family. You choose a nonprofit over your family. You choose the, and at least you're putting it on the table, but you're saying it in a way that's an invitation,

not an accusation. And if she won't talk to you, then y'all gotta deal with that because your marriage is in real bad shape. If she goes bananas and says, I hate you and I can't believe you're doing this to me, you know this is important to me and you're stealing this from me, then your marriage is in real bad shape. If she gets mad initially and then she exhales and says, I'm so sorry, I don't know where

to go from here. Now you got a chance. But secrets will destroy your marriage. No, absolutely. And unfettered whether you get affirmation from a cute coworker, whether you get affirmation from acute co-worker, whether you get affirmation from an AI sex robot online or like one of those, I don't know, online call girls, or you get affirmation from a church and a nonprofit, if you're seeking identity outside of the primary identity

you promised your friends, your family, your partner in God, which is you and I are building something together, then it's all some form of infidelity. And I've said for a long time, you can cheat on your spouse with a golf course, with a human, with a computer, with your money, with work. Anything that becomes something you worship and chase other than how do we build a life together? Does that make sense? Yep. Yeah, I know it totally does. And you walking around feeling self-righteous that you're protecting her because if she really knew it would destroy her. Bro, give her some credit.

She's probably tougher than that. She is, but I know what my words can do to write. Then don't use those words because that's abuse. Yeah, no, no. Yeah, I just struggle with how to say it like and and I let's roll play. What do you want to say? Basically what you said basically like that. She's not she's not present. She's not there. No, no

You like we're last place basically, okay, if you do that, you've just declared a world war three in your house Don't do that. Mm-hmm. You'll lose. Hey, she's a minister and a CEO of a nonprofit. She'll beat you And then you'll just have to get mean to win Try it another way using I statements. I feel left out of her life. Start over, go to the very beginning. Repeat after me. I miss my wife.

I miss my wife. I miss my life. I miss the life that we plan together. I miss her being present when I'm there. Then you can get into, I don't know if this is even true, but here's what's going on in my chest, in my heart. I feel like that stuff's become more important than me and your daughter. I feel like you're taking jobs, you're answering phone calls, you're running to late night

emergencies as a way of avoiding being here because you don't like being here. I don't know if that's true true but that's the way it feels. And you see here my vocal tone one of these ways and I want you to keep this image in your mind when you have this conversation if you go at it in a fight body posture tone all that you going to get a fight. If you go into it by taking a knee and saying, we've gotten sideways here, I'm confident I've played a role in this thing. There's a humility to it.

I miss my wife. It's embarrassing as a husband to even say that, but I do. I'm jealous of my wife and all the personal success you have. And I'm stuck here in the driving line with our daughter. How old's your daughter? Uh, almost 13. Okay. Can we just call out a truth about 13 year old daughters? They can be super fun and they can be dreadfully

boring and annoying. And I'm tired of being dreadfully bored and annoyed by myself. And our daughter needs her mom. She needs to have conversations with you that I can't have her. It's weird. Yeah, those are definitely things that are coming up now too as she's getting older. So here's the way to prevent yourself from exploding. Number one, make a choice. I will not explode. I will in my mind take a knee and if I have to do it in person, I'm going to take a knee

in person so that I can have a right body posture. And I'm going to get blown up on the internet about that. I don't give a crap. I'm right. Number two, write these things down. Otherwise, when you open that hatch, it's going to come pouring out and you're not going to be able to control it. And I want you to mind your own feelings.

Are you jealous of her success? Are you bored just stuck at home with a 13 year old girl? Are you feeling weird as your daughter's entering into her own sexuality and dating and you feel out of place and weird and I don't know, you know what I mean? Like just awkward. Like I don't know what's actually going on in your mind and in your body, but I want you to be honest about it and write that stuff down so that it's much more intellectual, it's much more cognitive. You're reading something from a piece of paper

you've prepared and you can stay present and it doesn't turn into, this thing just gets sliding down a hill and all of a sudden, and then, and then, and then, and now you're yelling and screaming and y'all having a fight she'll check out and by the way I think your marriage is is is going to be good it's very common to get annoyed to get frustrated to get resentful to become bitter about jobs and friends and golf and fishing and hunting, whatever else, whatever things are.

The real question is, do you all have a path towards repair? Do you have a path, a way that you all can sit down and say, I'm not keeping secrets from you anymore. Here's the truth. Here's what I'm experiencing in our house. Underneath all of that, here's the master question you're asking Ryan. After 13 years or 15 years or 17 years, this is your husband, do you still love me? Because I still love you.

And maybe you asked that question. At the end of it all, I just want to know do you still love me? And then we can start the rebuild. And bro, if you want to have her give me a call, I'd love to talk to you all both or I'd love to talk to her too. I'm confident she's got another side of the story, but I guess I just don't buy it anymore when people are like, I don't know if I'm going to be able to do this without exploding.

You can. The fact that you can call me and have that conversation, you can. You can make choices. If you need to do it in front of a neutral third party, go see a counselor and have this conversation in front of a counselor. And maybe that'll rain you in a little bit, but make that choice to treat your wife with dignity and respect, to breathe through it, take an humble posture, write it down. Stop keeping secrets.

Let's, let's, let's lance this wound and get on with the healing process. Thanks for the call brother. We'll be right back. Can I just tell you, I love Organifi. I love them. But I also get that some folks are skeptical about whole food powders. Are they really worth it? I get it.

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and use code deloni for 20% off their starter kit. That's organifi.com slash deloni code deloni for 20% off everything else on their site today. All right, let's go out to Lancaster, Pennsylvania and talk to Leah. What's up, Leah? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm so good. What are you up to? I'm sorry.

I blew it. It's not Lancaster. It's Lancaster. You're correct. That is right. It is Lancaster. Lancaster. Yeah, I went and did an event there this past fall and it was amazing. I loved it

I loved it there, but I was corrected at multiple times. It is not Lancaster. It's awesome. Good to talk to you. What's up? I am looking for how can I help my 17 year old son build build friendships and feel more connected? Especially after a tough divorce. Tell me about your son. He is 17. He's involved in sports. He works. He's active.

We've had a lot of ups and downs in the last four years, but it seems like we're in a good place. What does ups and downs mean? That can mean everything from he's drinking, he's sneaking cigarettes, he says bad words or he's suicidal. What does that mean? More like the says bad words gets mad at me. More like I kind of took the brunt of a divorce with a teenage boy that didn't know which parent

to listen to. And I took a lot of brunt of that over the last four years. But recently, when something hard comes up, so I know, this might sound a little crazy, but, um, he came to me and said, all of my friends are sports betting. Uh, you know, they're, they're, they're dads help them. And, um, I have no friends because I'm never allowed to do what everybody else is allowed to do. Um, I wasn't allowed to have Snapchat. I didn't have a phone. I didn't have, you know, anything that anybody else has, and I'm on the outside again. I've had this conversation multiple times in my own house.

So I'm with you. I'm with you. I think it feels extra hard. I think as a single mom going, I want him to have friends. I don't know why he does seem like he feels on the outside and I don't know if he'd go to. I was him to have friends. I don't know why he, he does seem like he feels on the outside and I don't know if it's, uh, you know, he'd go to, I never, I was never invited to stuff. I'm always on the outside and, um, I guess I'm looking for, I don't know

if it's more a situation of he's. Cause he that kind of hits me right in the heart. I don't know if it's to get what he wants or if it is, um, that he really is on the outside and not connected and how do I help? What's the best way for me to help him with that or can I? Yeah, I mean, there's so much here and I'd probably need to spend some time with him. High level, you asked an either or question and my answer to that question is yes.

Is he trying to get what he wants and he knows how to pull your strings? Yes, 100%. He's 17. He knows what works in his house. He knows that yelling and screaming and swearing at mom is a no-go anymore. Absolutely. But he also knows that after the mom's still hanging on to this divorce four years later, which means it was really hellacious for you, Leah, And you're extra sensitive to the emotional state of your kids.

And by being tuned into it, you try to take their pain away for them. And on the other side, he probably has left out of stuff because you've been a good parent and you've held the line on cancers like Snapchat and cancers like giving your kids social media and crap like giving your kids social media and crap like that. And so there is a case like my kids do the same exact thing. Like I'm getting left out of stuff. I don't get invited.

It's like I get that and it breaks my heart. And so the path forward is A to feel your feelings and know that a mom should always feel sad when her son comes and says, I'm left out of stuff. I should break your heart. And if the alternative is all my kids, all my friends get together and smoke weed and I don't know. I was about to like have crazy like, I don't know, parties and then it's not fair that

you won't let me go. Like I get that man. I get your 17 you want to go do crazy stuff with your friends and my job is to keep you safe I'm not gonna let you go do something stupid it's gonna get you hurt. So both are true right? The second is you got to let this divorce thing go because you're letting it lead you around in your parenting. Yeah. It happened. Was it really ugly?

Yeah, it was really, really ugly. Did your husband weaponize, your ex weaponize your kids against you? Yes. Okay. I'm sorry that happened. No one should ever do that. Ever, ever, ever do that. And I'm sorry that happened to you.

Mm-hmm. The moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens,

the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, the moment that happens, ever do that. And I'm sorry that happened to you. The moment that happens, you instantly have to switch in your mind. You're playing a 15 year game, a 20 year game.

And that means in five years and seven years, your kids are going to go through phases where they think they hate you or they think that you're the worst person that you blew up the family that you're evil. And if you keep showing up and you stop outsourcing how you feel on a day by day basis to kids, to children, and you keep showing up and you get some adult friends in your life and you get the therapy that you need and you take care of your physical health, in seven years and nine years they go, oh my gosh, mom's been steady the whole time. And the game you're playing now is not the happy 17 year old that loves his every minute of his life.

I don't know any 17 year olds by the way that do you're looking for the regulated college grad 25 year old who's calling you and saying mom. I think I met the I think I met the girl. I had a 25 year old who's calling you and saying, mom, I think I met the girl. And that's easy to put down on paper and for me to say it sucks when your 17 year old is coming home and whining about everything all the time.

Yeah. So here's the harsh reality of I've had to manage in my own house. If I say no to the current social norms of my child's life, I have to provide alternatives. In real time, what does that mean? That means tomorrow after work on my precious weekend, a weekend of my traveling. I'm picking up my son and one of his friends and they're going out to the woods for a weekend of fishing and not sleeping and grilling out and having some good times and hunting armadillos.

I don't know what knuckleheads are going to do, but we're going to go out and just be ridiculous. Everything in my body wants to go sleep. Everything in my heart and my mind knows the right thing and the awesome thing and the thing that the stories are going to tell at my funeral are going to be when I go out and do fun stuff. Since I took away Snapchatting all day and going to parties and doing all this going to unsupervised things and being ridiculous, I'm going to have to

offer alternatives. And the only alternatives right now, because my son can't drive, is I'm going to be involved. I'll help you out. How fun do we want to make this thing? And that's really hard when you're a single parent with three other kids, right? Yeah. Yeah. I'm not saying any of this is easy. It's awful. And at 17, they are, he's, I think I'm having a hard time with the, how much more independence do I give him then while trying to guide him in these things? Like I want to do more stuff with him, but it's really hard for a seven, with a 17 year old.

What, what, what do I do with them or how does how do I at 17 and an 18 it's I mean it's into 16 and every kid's different right but now you're at the end where you can say stuff with a hilarious smile on your face we're gonna teach you how to date you're taking me on a date and you're going to get dressed up. You're going to call and make a reservation. I'm buying, but you're taking me out. We're going to do this." And he's going to go, oh my gosh, that's so lame, mom.

You go, yep, it is lame. But we're doing it, right? And it will be one of those annoying, lame, I hate this. I'm so glad we're doing it right and it will be one of those annoying lame. I hate this. I'm so glad we're doing this Yeah, or I'm gonna teach you how to dance in the living room This is my slow dancing song said not in a sexualized way or an erotic way but in a fun mom and son way You could tell them you're two a year away of going on dates on your own. You don't know what you're doing. I've seen you try. It's terrible. It's embarrassing. We're doing this. I've seen you try to dance. No kid of mine is

leaving this house not knowing how to slow dance. I don't know what happens in your house, but y'all do those kind of things. You see what I'm saying? Y'all do those kind of things. And I don't know what works for y'all, but those points of forced connection are annoying and frustrating and my mom's the worst and they are a glass of cold water and a mouth as dry as a desert for a teenager desperate for a connection. And you're not trying to be cool. You're not trying to like take the place of friends. You can't take that. But you are trying to

give him the connection that he's actually craving. That he's trying to... Like your steak and potatoes when he's trying to eat Twinkies with Snapchat. Yeah. And you know what's even worse about this? You're going to have to ask for help. Yeah. That was an awesome gulp. You've tried to be hardcore for the last four years and fight and scratch and claw your way through this and you're going to need to talk to a guy at a local church or a coach

that you trust. Because he needs a man in his life that's trustworthy it's not a scumbag that would lie about his mother to him yeah and he needs you're gonna need some somebody to come over and watch your kids while you and him go out well y'all start a weekly dinner together or bi-weekly dinner once a month dinner together you all sign dinner once a month dinner together You all sign up for a half marathon I don't know what whatever goes on but you're gonna need some help watching your kids And you don't have extra money my guess is and so you're gonna have to just ask for help Yeah, yeah I

Can do that What's he thinking about doing next year? Is he a junior senior? He's a junior. Okay, and he no matter how much I encourage college actually he he wants to go right into working and So that's cool. I think it would be fun that you start sitting him down with you to do a budget together Yeah Hey, you're 17. Here's some things I'm just going to start teaching you how to do. I don't want to, you have to.

If you want a cell phone that I pay for, if you want to drive a car that I pay the entrance on and put gas in, then you will sit down and do a budget with me once a month. You will go on one date a month with me. Yeah. That's the price to pay because I've got to teach you some of these bigger lessons because your dad's not here to do it I Tell him if I do my job, right? He'll move out and not have to come back And so it's cool. I'm just gonna go straight to the workforce, bro. Do this. That's fine. Cool. That's fantastic

Here's what that looks like here's how much it cost to just live Yeah, so find me a couple of jobs in your area that will at least even pay to be able to pay rent in the Pennsylvania area. Much less cell phone car insurance and everything else you want to do. Mm-hmm. Let's just let's just do the nuts and bolts. Let's just look at the numbers. Yeah. And maybe it's not college but maybe you got to go to trade school, which I'm a huge fan of. Yeah, that's what he's looking at. Yeah, fantastic.

Let's just, let's go visit him. Let's go sit down and look with that life. Let's go get talked to some 60 year old electricians and ask how their life has been. Yep. And now we're getting into the good stuff. And he's going to fight you every step of the way. Just know it's coming. And when he's 25 and he gets his journeyman certificate and he's found some cute girl that you kind of like but you're kind of annoyed because he's

your oldest boy then you'll know nailed it. Yeah. And also if you can fill your house full of stinky 17 year old boys watching movies and eating pizza and being ridiculous, do it. Yeah. Is that fair? Yep. Can I tell you a crazy thing? Please do.

You're a good mom. Thanks. The fact that you're attuned and you care about your 17-year-old boy's feelings right now, that means you're a good mom. I'm sorry, the last four years have sucked. That's, it's actually, you know what? There were a lot more before that. It's actually, we're, it's a lot better.

It's getting a lot better. Okay. Is he able to talk about his dad with some honesty and truth now? I think he sees it with some honesty and truth. So generally just don't say anything. Most 17 year olds can't because he still knows half of me is him. Yeah. And anything I say out loud, I admit out loud is at least a 50% reflection of me and that's

really tough. So just the quiet exhale is pretty amazing and pretty impressive. You're a good mom and I'm really grateful for the call. If you do parenting, I hate to use this kind of language, if you do parenting right in this current world that we have right now Your kids gonna be on the outside of a lot of stuff It's heartbreaking and it stinks and it's sad and I hate it and wish it wasn't and it is So the question we all have to ask ourselves is what are ways I can get my kids connected to us

Your friends to fun rambunctious outdoor whatever activities. But not just turn them over to the internet gods and say, have your way with my kids. I'm grateful for you, Leah. Keep fighting, keep fighting, keep fighting. We'll be right back. Let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world.

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you'll get three months for free. So you're covered all through Lent and beyond. Go check out hallow.com slash deloney for three free months. That's hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash deloney. All right, we're back. Something cool happened. What is it? All right, so back in December of 2023,

we spoke to a woman named Addie from New York. Her question was, she said, I'm a 56 year old woman and I feel like my life is over. I ruined my younger years with drugs and alcohol and then the remaining years trying to fix what was broken about me and I've run out of time. How do I not end up a miserable, regretful old person who dies alone? Okay. Are you sure you didn't write that question in? Anyway, so Addie sent in a follow-up.

One year ago today, I spoke with you on your show. I was a mess and hopeless that my life and myself could not get better. You gifted me numerous tools, FPU, EveryDollar, your books, and Ken Coleman's book. What a year. I got honest with two people close to me about my financial mess. They helped me figure out a plan using the baby steps. I read both of your books. I've also passed them along to friends, took Ken's Coleman assessment and did FPU. My life today is very different. I have a morning routine. I regularly

exercise. I'm living on a budget. The best thing is that a former employer noticed a big difference in me and in May offered me a job with a $35,000 raise. Whoa! When I called I was pretty close to the edge wishing that something would happen to me so that this could all be over. Now, I cannot imagine thinking or feeling that way. I still have struggles with food and relationships, but hopefully those will work themselves out one day. Saying thank you isn't enough. I hope you come to the Northeast to speak one day soon so that I can properly thank you. Wishing you all a wonderful holiday season. Thank you for all you do. We got this right before the holidays. So that's pretty

awesome. That's amazing. That's awesome. Good on her. Good on her, on her. If you're sitting out there wondering when is the something gonna happen to me, you be the something. Make the phone call, decide you're gonna stop overspending, go take a risk on something professional,

go get training, whatever you gotta do, go find a couple of people and just say, hey, here's the truth about my life right now. You go be the something and it's shocking how the world responds. That's awesome, Kelly. Thanks for telling me that. That was good. Usually I just like have direct eye line with you and it's just mostly a sad face at the

state of my life and show. But that was, I felt joy there. And hey, what happened to your finger? You know what happened to my finger. I know you flipped me off so much. You just went ahead and- It finally strained the finger. No, um, so I'm there for those that are watching.

For those of you who are listening, she's just got her middle finger taped in a full upright position. Pretty much. So last week, I was making dinner with a mandolin slicer and I cut off about the top, the whole like quarter inch of the finger. Yeah. I don't like them in doing it. I saw it, dude. You showed it to me. It looks gnarly. Yeah, because they had to cauterize it at the ER. So it's like all black I'm gonna here is a PSA to everyone

According to the nurse at the emergency room It is the most dangerous kitchen appliance and they get at least one a week in So get rid of your mandolin slicers or at least use a glove or something. It's not worth the nicely chopped cucumbers that's what I was chopping so and second PSA if you're a non-kitchen person listening to this, when Kelly was like, oh my gosh, I chopped off the top of my finger with a mandolin, I immediately thought, Kelly, you must have been playing that instrument so hard. That's what bluegrass jamming is all about.

And you're not the only person that thought that either. I had a number of people. I had never heard of the word of a mandolin ever in the kitchen. It's a mandolin slicer, you know, like you know what I'm talking about though, right? Zero. You know when you're slicing and it slices real thin slices of something. We have these, they're relatively new. I forgot the name of them.

Oh yeah, they're called knives and we just use those. But these are a lot faster, but they're very dangerous apparently. So it's just like a food slicer. And yeah, a lot of people thought that I was really like shredding. You have a secret bluegrass life? Like Duke Silver? So hard that I cut part of my finger off. By day, she's the producer of a middling podcast.

By night, she's a bluegrass queen. That'd be so much of a cooler story. I wish it were, but that's not it, unfortunately. Was chopping up some cucumbers. Well, I'm glad that the other four are okay. And I'm glad that when you do flip me off, what you do on a regular basis, I just see this giant pink cast right in my face.

As we should. Hey, everybody listen, we love you guys love you guys bye