The Dr. John Delony Show - My Wife Told Me She Isn’t Attracted to Me (What Do I Do?)

Episode Date: February 23, 2026

On today’s episode, we hear about: A man struggling after his wife told him that she’s not attracted to him A woman wondering how to desire her husband after he violated her An expectant dad wondering if he should reconnect with his estranged father   Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 🔥Reconnect every day. Download the Together App. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy, and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get an exclusive offer with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to Dutch Pet and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—Go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.     Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I had a conversation last week with my wife, as she said to me, hey, I just don't feel attracted to you. You've gained a lot of weight. Intimacy and sex is, it seems to be gone as there is a reason. And that's when it came out. Back me up 18 months. What happened, man? Inside your chest. Like, you married this person.

Do you love her? Hey, what's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Alone's show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee. I hope you are doing great. Hope you're doing great in every part of your life. and if you're like me, it's probably not every part of your life. But I'm glad that you're here talking about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your kids, your marriages, whatever you got going on in your life.

I'll sit with you and we're going to figure out what's the next right thing to do. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK if you want to get your calling on the show. Love to have you. Let's go out to Ottawa, Ontario and talk to Matt. What's up, Matt? Hey, Dr. John. How you doing? I'm good, brother.

How are you, man? Good, good. Thanks for taking my call. I really appreciate it. It's an honor. Of course. What's up, man? Yeah, so I just had a conversation last week with my wife and we're talking about just some things. And then she came out after some prompting. She was bothered by something. And she said to me, hey, I just don't feel attracted to you. You've gained a lot of weight this year. We just recently got married this last year.

So it just really hit me, kind of rock my confidence. History from my background as I went through a very traumatic experience with my ex-wife, and it was very difficult. So hearing that just kind of triggered a lot of, and I'm just struggling, like, how do I move forward with this? I just don't even know. Just kind of cold wounds come up and the anxiety, you know, all that just goes through the roof. Yeah, well, I'm glad you called, man. Thanks for pulling up a seat, dude.

What was the conversation about? Like, y'all sat down to have, you said you sat down to have a conversation. What was it about? Yeah, I was just about talking about time issues. We're very busy family, working full-time, both of us doing school full-time. I got lots of kids. And it's just very difficult to just sitting down and talking. I had asked her why, like I just said, you know, like a spontaneous,

intimacy and sex is it seems to be gone as there is a reason and that's when it came out Oh, okay So you were sitting down saying, Hey, our lives are chaotic and bananas And the thing you miss is just the spontaneous hookups y'all had

Yeah Before all these responsibilities piled in And she told you I'm not attracted to you anymore Yeah, just for the waking It's not that he doesn't love me or doesn't care about me It's just, she's just, you know, hey, dude, this is an issue. How much weight have you gained in the last year or two years?

Probably about 60, 70 pounds. Wow. I did lose a huge amount of weight before that, through the last marriage. I was down well over 100 pounds before. Is it, that's a significant amount of weight gain in a short amount of time. Yeah, it's real, and I'm so glad she was real with me. Yeah, no kidding. I'm wondering a couple of things.

One, there's the aesthetic, right? There is, is it okay? Like, it's just two dudes hanging out at a bar? Can I just be super blunt and direct? Is that cool? Just hit me, I have no problem. All right. So, like, 70 pounds newly added to a person, that's a thing, right?

Any of us would be lying, if we said we can't see it, we don't experience it, having sex, like I don't feel it, like 70 pounds and 70 pounds and 70 pounds, right? Yeah. I am more interested in what transpired inside of you during that slide in your health. Because I'm wondering if that is the source of where that,

that, okay, aesthetic fine, you don't fit in the same shirt you used to be able to wear. You had to buy a bunch of bigger pants, whatever. That's a thing. But before that is this guy that I am spontaneously desiring, the guy I can't keep my hands off of, has become a different guy from the inside out. And I'm wondering if the weight gain is the light on the dashboard for what's going on internally and you that is probably the source of loss of attraction. Yeah, I would, I agree with that. And it's been my experience sitting with people that those things are recursive,

which is a nerdy way of saying they feed off each other. Meaning you start closing up, old demons come back, you get busy, you stop paying attention, you stop helping around that. You stop being a part of the ecosystem that allows spontaneous sex to happen. And she pulls away a little bit, you eat a little more, she pulls away a little bit more, you eat a little bit more, you stay up a little bit later, right? And it feeds itself. Is that fair?

Absolutely fair. Okay, all right. So I'm interested, back me up 18 months. What happened, man, inside your chest? Like you married this person. Do you love her? Clearly you love her. Absolutely, yeah.

I think for me it's just the, I made her in my life. Okay. I'm honest, too, dude, sitting up too. You made her your life, but when you got her, then you moved on? No, no, I do everything I can, work hard, take kids places, do things at home I can, and just, you know, try to, I stop going to the gym, stop taking care of myself. Okay, but beneath that, you stopped caring for yourself. Yeah. You stopped valuing you so that you could go do the amazing.

things of valuing your wife and your kids. Yeah. Tell me about that loss of care for that dude that you see in the mirror every day. I think the struggle is just not feeling good enough. Where does that story come from, man? Over 25 years with my ax, he told me almost every day that wasn't enough. Okay. I wasn't good enough.

And my guess is after that, again, I'm making stuff up here. You tell me if I'm wrong. after a long after a long two and a half decades of that kind of messaging my guess is also we end up

we marry what's familiar so my guess is those stories may have started even before you met her you're only lovable if or you're not enough or you're always the pudgy kid and the husky jeans

or you're always the whatever right exactly and then your body marries somebody that's familiar that it recognizes and accidentally without meaning to kicks up the entire thing again, just on steroids,

because now you have a home and kids and whatever together. But sometimes after a breakup of that long, with that kind of messaging, it tends to barbell. Either people shut down and go in a shell and that's it. They're out. Or they use the fuel of I'll show you. I'll lose a bunch of weight.

I get a new job. I get on the market. I'll show you. And the problem with I'll show you energy is its jet fuel. It's really hot and it gets you where you want to go but it burns up real, real fast.

And the boring, mundane, regular life of being married tends to bring back all those old patterns and all those old stories and all those old demons. Yeah. Does that ring true?

Does your wife tell you the truth? Is she someone who's honest with you? Yeah. Went through trauma on her past. Okay. From D1, that was our... Okay. Then she's told you she loves you.

Yeah. So in those moments of darkness, when you don't think you're worth being loved, can you at least believe the woman that tells you the truth? Yeah. The journey back here, it will include taking care of your health, which will, by proxy, include losing weight. Okay? If you shoot out tomorrow to lose 70 pounds, you're going to do that,

but you're going to go with you. meaning that same insecure guy, that same guy who doesn't know that he's enough is going to have a different number on the scale, but he's going to have the same spirit inside of that chest. Yeah. And so what I'm interested for you now is, even in the dark, trusting her that you're worth being loved,

and then beginning to change the story inside your own heart, which is, I'm worth getting up and going to the gym. I'm worth having breakfast with my kids. I'm worth working hard, what you do, and I'm worth taking care of myself so that I can work hard, so that I can love well.

Because I've read the data on what women find attractive, and it's actually, there's a lot of frustration on the internet's because, yes, looking at a dude who's ripped with six-pack ad, like, it looks nice and it's awesome, and it feels cool. All, that's great. But, in fact, I just saw something the other day. women look at also like what I would call the gym

like the golden gym god body right and they also can sense the life that comes along with that body and it's kind of like me like that's the guy that can't just sit with me on the couch and have a piece of pizza every once in a while that's the guy that's going to go spend two hours in the gym instead of listening to me talk about my day and what's fascinating is

the body that most women said this is the apex. This is what we find super attractive. Was a fit guy, but not a ripped guy. And what it tells me is the, and there's some new ones to that study, yada, yada. But underneath it, what it tells me is the confident guy, the guy that stands tall, the guy that believes he's worth exercising and also believes, yeah, dude, I'll have a beer. That's the guy that she married. That's the guy she met.

That's the guy she can anchor into. So how do I get there? You're going to have to decide that you're worth going back and challenging those stories. Have you heard me talk about choosing your hard path? No, I haven't heard that. No. Okay, so I've heard a lot. Here's a deal.

I'm going to make it as simple as possible. Being 70 pounds overweight is hard. Your knees hurt. Your back hurts. You don't have near the amount of intimacy and sex and connection. It's hard to get on the, and roll around and play. your kids. Yeah.

It's hard. Getting a seatbelt extender on the plane. All those things are hard. Catching your breath when you go up to flights of stairs is hard. Right?

It just is. And going back and doing the trauma work that you need to do, going to talk to a counselor for a season, journaling, writing down every day,

some things that you're grateful for about you, coming up with a routine and just keeping your promises to yourself routines but little routines that's hard too and so what you have before you is not an easy path or a hard path you have two hard paths and so the one I would suggest you choose is the one that's gonna get you where you want to be to a guy that trust

himself to a guy that his wife can't keep her hands off of to a guy that keeps his eyes open for what needs to be done around the house so he can create an environment where desire is possible right yeah I guess at the end of the day do you leave you're worth of work? Yeah, I do. You don't. Don't get over it. Don't get over it. Okay? I want you to change that language. We're going to get through it. We're going to walk right through it.

Okay. Okay. Okay. So here's what I want you to do today. Okay. I want you to do these four things. You ready? Number one, I want you to write yourself a letter. How old are you right now? I am 50. You're 50. I want you to write 52-year-old U a letter. And what we're going to do is we're going to write 52-year-old Matt and tell him that you love that guy. And you love him so much that you started making changes at 50 so that he could have the life he's always dreamed of.

We're going to tell him about the hurts that we've gone through his kids and that we're going to work on him. We might need to tell him about the stuff dad said, mom did. We're going to write down some of the stories that ex-wife repeated over and over and over and over. over again and we're going to commit to setting those stories down. Or if they were true, some of them were true, we're going to work through those. All right, that's number one. Number two, I want you to have another conversation with your wife that starts out with. Thank you for loving me enough to tell me the truth.

I want to read you a letter. I wrote to 52-year-old me. And I want you to read that letter out loud to her. Grief demands a witness. All the secrets that you carry. those things weigh you down like cinder blocks. We're setting that crap down today. Okay.

Number three, we're going to call a counselor. This is the season. You're 50. In imaginary land, you're halfway home. Statistically, you're two-thirds of the way home. Okay. So you're in the third or fourth quarter, depending on what changes you make in your life right now.

We're going to call a counselor, and we're going to stop carrying that crap from when we were kids. We're a victim no longer. We were victimized, but we're a victim no longer. And then number four, you're going to go to like a local diner, I mean not diner, but like a nickel and dime store, Walgreens. I don't know what they have in Ontario, but you're going to go get a set of note cards. And you're going to write down four or five or six things that you will do tomorrow come hell or high water that include taking care of yourself in some shape form or fashion.

I'll go for a walk. I'll put on my shoes and drive to the gym, walk on a treadmill for three minutes and then come home. I'll do something towards that goal. I'll do one thing for seven minutes with one of my kids where we're just being silly, where we're coloring, where we're reading, whether we're doing something. I'll ask my wife, how can I love you today? And I'll do that thing. I'll do two things just for her.

Not so I can get laid, but two things just for her because I'm a man of service. You know what I'm saying? And all we're looking to do here is keep our promise to ourselves tomorrow. And then you're going to get up the next day and you're going to write down four or five things for the next day. No fancy apps, no drama, just a note card in you and your promises to yourself. And you have to prove to yourself that you're worth keeping your promises to yourself. And if seeing a counselor, if you need to be on medication for anxiety or depression for a while, great. What an amazing time that we live in this world where that's available.

Great. It's probably not forever, but great. If you need to go get a blood work up and do all that kind of stuff for your health because your testosterone's falling off a cliff and all that, great. Do all of that stuff. Okay. In fact, the blood work I get done, I'm not even sponsored by them, it's by a company called Function. Check them out. It's like $350. They'll run everything and their platform is second to none and clarity and what to do.

It's awesome if you don't have access to a doctor. Okay. Game on. Okay, here's the deal. I want to check in with you every month. I want you to write in or call in and I'll have you back on the show because I want to walk with you through this whole thing. Cool? I'm going to send you a couple of tools for free.

also, okay? I'm going to send you building a non-anxious life in my book. I want you to read it. I want you to read it with your wife. It's a roadmap. The second thing I'm going to send you is this app called Every Dollar, which is going to help you and your wife get connected with your money. Lots of dudes have existential stress about their money. And it's often because they don't have a plan with it. The third thing is I'm going to send you a year of my marriage app. It's a microhabits app called Together. I'm going to send you both of those. Okay. Oh, thank you.

Thank you. And it's just one thing you can do for her and that she can do for you every day to slowly bring y'all back together. But she told you the truth. It's been a super high honor for me to get to talk to you, my brother. Thank you for having the courage to call and just say I'm at the bottom. I'm sitting here in the bottom with you. I'm going to walk with you out of this basement up into the third or fourth or fifth floor. However, how you want to go.

Game on. We come back, a woman asks how to desire physical intimacy with her husband without him having to beg her. We'll be right back. If you come over to my house sometime, you're going to find a whole bunch of cool stuff and you're going to find one main theme. The theme, my family loves cozy earth. There's sheets, pajamas, blankets, towels. They're all over our house. Why?

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This is the best deal you're going to find anywhere. Go to Helix sleep.com slash Deloni right now. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X. Helix sleep.com slash Deloni. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, we're back. Kelly, why are you making fun of me? Because you said it was a five and dime store.

And I don't think anyone has used that term in probably 50 years. I love Andy Griffin. Yeah. Why got to make fun of me? Any minute now, after he goes to the five and dime store, he's going to go to the soda counter. And then he's going to go a Colin or a courting. He's going to ride his moose out to the outer field. To the green grocers and pick up his food.

Let's go to Dallas. Kelly's the worst. Let's go to Dallas and talk to Katie. What's up, Katie? Hey, how are you? I'm good. Are you? I'm good. What's up? So, I kind of wrote down what I wanted to say just so I don't word vomit onto you. Bring it. So me and my husband have been together for 15 years, 12 of those have been married. When we first met, we only dated two months before I became pregnant. during that quick dating stage. Before I became pregnant, we were sexually intimate numerous times, and I would initiate on multiple occasions.

After I became pregnant, it was kind of like the light switch flipped a little bit. Sex no longer interested me, and I didn't really care to be touched. This over the years became the number one issue in our marriage. I would start to feel pressured and would finally work myself up to having sex. During this time, on multiple occasions, I woke up. to my husband, having intercourse with me while I was asleep. The last instance happening four years ago, and I just want to know how I can work towards rebuilding that intimate relationship with him and also gaining trust back with him and just

not feeling like I have to work myself up to be intimate with my husband. Well, I guess I'll start with the big rocks here. That's rape, hon. Yeah. and that's um hold on just sit with that for a second that's a huge big big deal yeah and you not being interested in sex you not feeling like being touched you struggling with your own thoughts and feelings and body none of that is an excuse for rape okay the way you asked the question to me makes it sound like you think something's wrong with you and if that's

happened on multiple occasions, I would suggest your body's working perfectly trying to keep you safe away from a monster. Okay? You're not crazy. Have you experienced sexual trauma before this relationship? No. Where else are you not safe in this relationship? Think things like money, think things like you're, are you able to say what you think about things? Does your voice count? Where else are you not safe? I think just from this instance, it just has made it to wear things that I should just be able to talk about. You know, naturally, I have really am careful about what I asked or I'm afraid to ask them, not, I don't know, it's just, yeah, I'm afraid to ask very simple things that I feel like shouldn't be that big of a deal. And it's, yeah.

You got to take the shoulds and the half-toes out of this conversation, okay? Mm-hmm. You would like to be able to just talk about normal, regular things, but your body's screaming at you that that guy is a predator. Mm-hmm. When I'm in my most vulnerable state, when I'm asleep next to somebody who pledged their life to me, he takes advantage of me.

Mm-hmm. Multiple times, right? Yes. Yeah. there is no excuse for that none if you are having it and i'm going to get some context because we're having this conversation but people are listening in okay if if you had crazy bananas super fantastical sex dreams and you came on to him in the middle of the night and you woke up and this thing's happening that's one thing right

That's not what happened here. No. Okay. So the healing begins here with you putting that on the table and getting the safety and help that you need first. And I do go, and for the past two years, I've seen a counselor. What the hell is, sorry, I get all frustrated. What's the counselor told you? So I can remember, because honestly, I'd never, until that point, I'd never opened up about that.

with anyone. And so, like I said, the last instance was four years, but I mean, even before that. So a lot of years had passed since the very first instance. And so I said it. We kind of talked about it. And then I think I kind of went back into myself because it made me scared that I even said anything about it, even to her. But then just within the past couple of months, I've brought.

it up again. And I mean, she's told me exactly what you've said. But I think that's just a very, like you said, it's rape. And it's just hard to hear the words rape and husband in the same sentence. It is. It is. And it's hard to hear the word rape and father of your kids. You have kids? Yeah, you do. You told me that. Yeah. When it's 30. Yeah. And the thought of being a statistic is scary. The thought of being a single mom is scary, the thought of how does that guy sit at the table and laugh with our kids and how does he coached their little league team? And then how when the lights go off and nobody's around, he does that? Yeah. The math doesn't work out, but the math doesn't work not because

you're not good at math. The math doesn't work because that type of physical assault, that type of abuse is so disturbing, it's so unnatural, it's so wrong that it makes any sort of calculation hard to compute. You're not crazy.

Yeah. Okay. And I can guarantee you, I know the playbook, I've done too many sexual assault investigations in my day. Well, here's what he's going to say.

A, she came on to me. B, she's cool with it. C, it happened once and it was like we laughed it off. D, it was four years ago. Can we just move on? Right. None of those things are pretext for just wiping this thing clean.

Mm-hmm. You, as the person who had her autonomy taken away, her physical body used without her consent, you get to decide what happens next, period. Okay. Okay. And I also know that's an extraordinary weight. Yeah. Because people are going to have opinions on. well, what's good for the kids?

And he didn't mean it. It was a long time ago. And if you're in a faith context, there's faith communities that think this is okay. He has a right to you. Wrong. False.

Lie. Nonsense. Insanity. Okay. And so because of the weight of this, I need you to hear me say, you can't walk through this thing by yourself. Right.

You've got to get some women in your life, some people that you trust, some men in your life. I don't care who. Who will walk through. alongside you as you decide what happens next. But you're a prisoner inside your own body, and I'm sick, sick, sorry. For so long, this is just kind of how it's operated and so it becomes so normal.

Except like VanderKulch says, the body's keeping the score. In your mind, you have some things you got to do to keep things running in that house. And your body would be failing you if it let you sleep deeply and go into deep rim sleep and restorative sleep because you're sleeping next to a predator. And because to keep yourself safe, you buried these conversations and your body went, whom, let's pull this down in the vault.

Otherwise it blows up everything. It gets infected from the inside out. Yeah. Right? And you don't trust what you're buying. You don't trust what you're buying at the store. You don't trust the conversations you have. You don't trust your memory on.

things you start to lose trust in every bit of you right it's you dissolving right and healing's about restoration here and I'm saying this as much for you as the listener I don't know if this is if this matters for you but you mentioned something that I've heard in countless of my conversations with men and women who've been assaulted okay just because you came on to him in the past doesn't give him license in the future just because you were wild and fun and initiated and whatever words you want to say about it at one time even yesterday doesn't give him license to take what he wants from you without your consent today right okay okay i want you to hear me say there's not an easy path forward yeah

Okay. Guilt will be a part of this process. Shame is a part of sexual assault. Anger is a part of it, all of it. You're going to feel big stuff. And so you've got to get some people that walk with you. Yes. Before you can get to raising kids,

before you can get to being a good partner, before you can get to your own mental health, you can't do anything until your body feels safe. Right. Okay. Okay. and you get to decide the roadmap. He gets to decide whether he wants to walk that roadmap,

but you get to decide what happens next. Okay? Okay. I don't know if I've been any help to you at all at all. No, you have, just from saying that I'm not crazy. There have been so many times that I know that it happened, but then it's just I will sit there and second guess myself,

I don't really happen. Am I just, have I made all this up? What does he say? What if it, what is his defense is going? We have honestly, and it's not something I should have done, but again. No, we're saying shoulds for a while. No more saying shoulds. Okay.

I know it was just my body's way of shutting it out. I mean, me and him have never, never discussed it after. any of these instances have happened the last time that it happened. I can remember getting up. I came back into the bed and he just said, I mean, he was upset with himself and he said, I promise I will never do that to you again. And to my knowledge, it has not happened.

But that's as far as we have never spoken about it since then or any of those times in between at all. Okay. When you're ready, okay? Mm-hmm. And prepare yourself because when you actually crack open the door to the hurt and the scare, I mean, the fear, it will feel like you're underwater in the ocean. Okay? Mm-hmm.

That doesn't mean you're crazy. That doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. That means this is part of what happens when somebody takes something so precious from you. And I'll say this. I've had bang my head against the wall conversations with mostly men in the past. I think maybe one or two women, but mostly men in the past who can't understand what they did. That's not the case here. He knows.

Yeah. He knows. I hate this for you, sister. And anybody in this process that tells you you need to move on, that you just get over it, that that just, that's just how men are, they disqualify themselves from your life. Okay. Mm-hmm. Okay. And if you listen to my show ever, you know that I'm really big on, stop cutting people out of your life.

This is one of those moments that they lose their right to vote on anything in your life. Yeah. Okay. Yes. Seek safety, physically, emotionally, psychologically. That's goal number one, okay? This might look like, can I put several things down on the table for you? Sure.

It might look like him coming with you to this counselor, you have a two-year relationship with, if she's safe. Yes. And you write a letter and read it. Okay. It might look like you calling the police. It might look like you sitting down and having a conversation. If you think he's safe in terms of violent volatility, right,

and saying, I haven't been able to sleep for four years plus the years before that. And I haven't brought this up today. is the day, I need you to go find another place to stay for a while. Well, I figure out what I'm going to do next because I can't be, my body won't let me exhale in my home, rightfully so. It can look like a thousand different things, okay? I just threw those ones out just off top of my head. Yeah. Okay. The weight of what to do next will feel so heavy, like sitting under a squat bar that you can't move. Okay. That's normal. Doesn't mean that something's

wrong with you or that you're not strong enough or that you should have belonged to none of that stuff it just means this is awful get some people and you got to walk through it walking around it is given is given you that chaos inside that you've had for years okay okay I'm grateful that you called thank you grateful that you had the courage to reach out and by the way your bravery is going to help a whole a countless number of people who have experienced something similar Marital rape is never okay Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever okay And nobody has a right to somebody else's body

Without their permission, without their consent, without their invitation, period Ever I don't care what church you go to, I don't care what gender you are, I don't care Never We come back a man asks how to tell his estranged parents that he's having a baby We'll be right back I joke all the time that I hate being online, but it's not a joke. I don't like being online all the time, but truth is, I'm everywhere.

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Let's talk to Adam. What's up, Adam? Hey, Dr. John. How are you doing today? I'm all right, brother. How are you, ma'am? Doing great. Yeah, that last call was heavy, huh?

Yeah, yeah, wow. But, no, no, I'm, yeah, I'm doing good. Good deal, good deal. Good deal. Good deal. I'm glad you hung with us, man. What's up? Yeah. So, super excited because the wife and I are, we're expecting our first baby. Yeah, dude.

So excited. We're so happy. Like, it's getting to be a little bit more real. When's the baby due? Man, we're like six weeks long, like mid-September. Oh, so you're, it's new, new, new. We're early. Okay. We're early.

All right. Very cool. All right. So you have a little bit of a runway here. Yeah. We got a long ways to go. But I mean, yeah. For me, it didn't start getting real until I was like driving to the hospital.

Right. Oh, this is happening. I'm going to be out. Right. So good for you for having a way more mature approach than I had. All right. So what's up? Yeah.

So with this, it brings up relationships in the family. So I'll get out with it. I haven't spoken to my parents, and at least my dad, a number of years, my mom kind of off and on, just with big wife things happen or holidays or whatnot. So how do I even approach a conversation of bringing up to, like, hey, we're having our baby.

Why haven't you talked to your parents? So I would say with my mom, it's more, unfortunately, it's a little bit more collateral. most of it is with my dad. That's been a big issue over the years. So to take a very long, a very long story and bring it short, I was the youngest four brothers. My dad was pretty abusive in different ways,

emotional, spiritual and verbal abuse growing up. and it just went on for all my life, really. And along about, actually about three years ago, my brothers and I, each independently, like we on our own, either sought out biblical counseling or therapy or whatnot. And we came together like, hey, we need to, we need to talk about this with him and bring it up to him and say, like, hey, these are things that happen. this is what went on and bring that to them

and just offer a place where we can talk about the open discussion and try to get through things. Even as far as having a mediator to be there, try to set boundaries for our conversation and whatnot. And he had nothing, really no part that he wanted to be part of that at all.

He came to the first sort of meeting that we wanted to have and just kind of sat back, listened, didn't really offer much, and I understand that it was a lot that we brought to them, and so we,

you know, wanted to be gracious and give a lot of time. And so we gave them a month, came back a second time around, and it seems like a lot of blame shifting. It just happened. It took place in that,

blaming other people, blaming specifically my oldest brother, unfortunately. and all that just caused a huge riff and divide. Since then, it's not that I've been completely cut off from being able to talk to them. The line's been open for him to reach out, but just in those three years, that hasn't happened. So tell me about your question. Yeah.

It's hard because I feel like family wasn't. designed to be split. Family wasn't designed to be like kind of operating in this way. And so there's there's part of me that's like, man, I, like, you know, babies come along. This is great. I want to be able to

share in this with my family. I want to be able to share an excitement with him. But because of a lot of the pastos from him, I don't know how share that.

I think you don't. Yeah. I mean, if you have made the decision that the things that went on in your childhood were so bad that I don't want to be in communication with you as an adult, if those things, if you're confident in that stance, and I'm not saying you shouldn't be, whatever, I'm just, I just want to put out there,

if you're confident in that stance, and God help you if you let your child around that nonsense. right if as three years have gone by you've gotten a little bit older like the things i was so mad at my dad about when i was younger now that i'm older now that i got older kids it's i might not like it i might not appreciate it i might have would snap my fingers and make it different but i get it right or it's a context it's not excused for what happened but i get it and so that's just where grace comes from right. But when you,

your statement is right, families weren't designed to be divided up. Right? It's the original, old school, I always have a gang. Right?

But you can't do anything about it if somebody else blows up the bridge. Yeah. And what you can do there is just really grieve it. Because this in a weird way, Dr. Henry Cloud writes about this, Nidre Twibb,

writes about this, I love it, but when you have a boundary, boundaries always, whether in the short term or in the long term, come with consequences. And consequences aren't necessarily bad, they're not necessarily punishments, they just are adverse realities to the wall we put up. And so sometimes when you first put down a boundary, it actually feels like peace. You can't get to me anymore i don't have to go to your dumb holiday party and listen to your insane lectures or blaming me or whatever feels like peace yeah but then yeah get the big new job and you want to call and then you get married and you want to call then you have the baby and you realize oh geez louise this kid's not going to have a granddad yeah right and that becomes something worthy of a reflection and be grieving

like crazy because that shouldn't be that way. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah. And I think about that part even specifically of just like what I've been trying to grieve and I guess it's, you know, grieving is its own process. But it takes a while. It takes time.

Yeah. The part that I feel like continually grieving over is I had an amazing granddad. my grandfather. I had amazing grandparents who, spiritual leaders of our home, they were just amazing people. And I can't put that on my dad because I wanted that. You know, I wanted that for them. Well, and so here's the catch. Here's the catch.

Number one, you have to be open enough and wise enough to know that the worst things people like some of the worst things in the world people are uh let me i'm saying this clumsy very clumsy um people are terrible at memory and they're terrible at feelings embedded in memories why is that important for you the way you experienced and remember your granddad i promise you had another side to it right yeah the home that your dad grew up in and i tell you that not to diminish it, but I know you want your kid to have those kind of feelings, and that's amazing and awesome, and I love that. I just want to challenge you against him versus him. The second thing is, that means you have a new responsibility, which is your son, your daughter is going to need

that type of paternal figure. You're going to need that. And so your job becomes not just to do the cutting off, but the, all right, who's going to fill that role? Who are a couple of men in my world right now, and if I don't have them, then I've got a runway to start cultivating that. Who will show up at the hospital? Who will come sit with me on the front porch six weeks after the birth and you're like, I don't know what I'm doing, right? And that's not the way it should be, but man, you can get some amazing relationships there.

And I moved across the country, right? my dad and I still talk, but I packed up and moved. It was my job to make sure my son had men in his life. And every once in a while I catch myself asking inside my own head, why'd you call him? Why didn't you ask me? And then I exhale and I say, I'm glad he's got somebody that I trust. Because it's not about me, it's about him, right?

Yeah. But be sad about it. Hard to digest, yeah. Yeah. I mean, like, and like, of course, like, I know, like, I mean, I know that like this has been a difficult relationship. And, you know, it's been hard. And I mean, I'm the youngest of four brothers.

So I'll pay my older brothers already, like, you know, they're well beyond as far as, like, you know, family development and whatnot. And so they've had to go their own way and their own path with it. So, you know, this is all just, so this for me is still brand new. Here's a couple of things I want to, like, big philosophical approaches, okay? Number one, don't let anybody else have your character and your integrity.

so if you're a guy who would send out a note to people in your life that you're having a baby, send one. That doesn't mean you have to take the phone call. Yeah. Right? I think it's just me and like outside of,

well, you know what? I don't want to put anything on you. If you think it's right to send a notes, send an announcement, send a whatever, great, do it. second have a plan for if that phone call comes and here's what that plan is is there any sort of path back to a relationship rebuild with your dad and if so what must be true because what a lot of people do is they go into these like big conversations and what they're hoping for at the end of

the day is to feel a certain way i want to feel better that i said all these things i want to I'll feel better when my dad or my mom has their head on their table and they're sobbing and they're saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You won't feel better, I promise you. You might feel relieved, but you won't feel good because the hurt that happened is still there. Yeah. And so if he calls back and says, I want to meet this kid, I want to talk, can we go out? A, your older brothers don't get a vote. You don't have to do this all in solidarity.

If one of you, then all of us, you don't have to do that, okay? and what would a path back look like? Dad, I need you to say you're sorry and I need a commitment from you that X, Y, or Z. I don't, I can't even know what happened, so I can't speak to it, but I want you to have a roadmap in your head of what it would look like

because if you use your, if you're leaning on how it's going to feel, there's no path back. That finish line just keeps moving and moving and moving and moving. And maybe, you know what, I take that back. There's one feeling. It's the feeling of he's on my team. Yeah.

A feeling of safety. But that comes not from a big, grandiose statement. That comes from a thousand tiny actions. Yeah. Yeah. And then, oh, man. And it is also, I mean, hard because even in the lack of communication between the two of us, there has been a laid out path to come.

come back. And be prepared with your wife. Be prepared when they show up at the hospital, both of them. You're going to tell them to leave? You can tell them to get out. Like have that plan already. Yeah. And if you are going to, if he shows up to the hospital or to your home with a casserole and you are going to stand at your front door and say, get out. You're not welcome here. Then they, I think they have a right to know that ahead of time. Like the baby's going to be born on this date, we're going to ask that you don't visit, please. Right? Clear is kindness.

Clarity is integrity. Because not being super, super clear about this and then getting mad and indignant that he showed up and tried to reconnect over like what? Like, that's not fair. We're going to be fair. We're going to be honest. We're not going to give anyone our integrity. Yeah.

Right. I would recommend in the next few days, I want you to write your dad a letter that you will never, ever send. and there's three parts to it. One is, and you may have written this letter a thousand times, what happened? I want you to write in that letter,

like, hey, dad, this stuff happened. And also, this is a weird thing. I want you to blame fairly. I want you to also write the good stuff that you've got from him, even if it means you've learned ways to not do stuff. Okay? I got your strength.

I got your resilience. I got your bullheadedness. I saw how you treated mom, and I have created the great, relationship with my wife ever doing exactly the opposite. So thank you for giving me a picture of what not to do, right? I want you to blame 360 degrees, the good and the bad. And here's the last part of that letter. Here's who I'm going to be as a dad. Make a declaration. Okay. And it begins to orient your body future tense and not back, back, back, back, back. And your baby's born in September.

So you have a roadmap now. I mean, you've got a, you've got to this plane lands and this many months. And so you get to ask yourself, who am I going to be? What kind of dad am I going to be? What kind of husband am I going to be? And you get to start practicing that in a thousand tiny little ways now. Thousand tiny little ways now. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you my Together app.

It's micro habits for a marriage. You and your wife are going to need these more than ever now because your whole marriage is about to be brand new. About to get a whole new marriage, dude. So hang in here. I want to anchor you guys in together at home. I'll send this to you for free just as a parent, as a new kid give. And sounds like you're in for a season of grief, and that's right, that's good.

It's not fun, but it's right. But don't give anybody your character. We'll be right back. You all know that I use the app, Hallow. And right now you can try it for free for three months. That's 90 days of the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world at no cost. And this is only for my audience. Just go to hallow.com slash Deloni.

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reflecting on their lives, and resetting with purpose. Hallow walks with you through that process with daily reflections and guided prayers that bring clarity and peace. When everything feels loud and chaotic, Hallow helps you breathe again. It creates space to be present. So if you're ready to quiet the noise and reconnect with what matters, check out Hallow. And when you sign up at hallow.com slash Deloni, remember, you get three months for free. Again, that's hollow.com slash Deloni for three months for free. All right, Kelly, something awesome happened.

What is it? We need it on this show. Yeah, I feel like we need some uplifting news on this one. So this is from Sarah in Brooklyn, New York, and she writes. I am a first year social work student. I'm not doing clinical work yet, but I'm in a weekly group supervision with other interns at the clinic where I work. I've listened to every single one of your episodes. A lot of the time, when it fits a case we're discussing, I end up sharing things that I've learned from you with our group.

Your ideas are getting passed around to people who've never even heard of you. Well, way to go. What's her name? Sarah. Where to go, Sarah? Love you guys, bye.