The Dr. John Delony Show - My Wife Won't Leave Her Job for Me

Episode Date: November 21, 2025

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All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now, we have February and October weekends on sale for the money in marriage getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at $749 a couple. Get yours at ramsysolutions.com slash getaway. Julie and I have for years worked together on our career. kind of like Batman and Robin, except that I'm Robin and she's Batman.

But lately, she's gotten a job. She's a VP of marketing. I'm kind of tired of failing. Is there something beneath I'm tired of failing, which is I'm tired of feeling like a failure in my own house? What's going on? What's going on? This is John. With the Dr. John Deloney's show, taking your calls from Nashville, Tennessee.

I'm in Nashville. You guys are all over the world. amazing men and women who are brave and who just don't have anybody else to talk to, pulling up a seat and saying, hey, what's the next right move in this crazy world that we live in? If you want to be on this show, go to John Deloney.com slash ask. ASK, I'd love to have you on. Fill out the form, send it to Kelly. And we don't screen them with AI. We screen them with humans. Kelly's kind of AI. Very, very older edition of AI. What do you call it? Like the dial-up Kelly's dial-up AI Reach out, John Deloney.com slash ask

And we'll get you on the show All right, we're going to talk to a couple right now In Salt Lake City, Utah So first we're going to go to Julie What's up, Julie? Hey, Dr. John, how are you? I'm doing fantastic. How about you?

I'm doing pretty well, thanks. Thanks so much for taking our call. Of course, all right, let me bring on Jack here. All right, let it rip. all right so julie and i have for years worked together on my or our career um i'm an entrepreneur i dragged her into this uh we're kind of like batman and robin except that i'm robin and she's batman she's turned out to be a rock star at business marketing all kinds of stuff anyway we're at a point in our career where I'd like to keep going with our joint effort

just because it's been super fulfilling to work together and the things that I'm not good at in business, she's awesome at. But lately, like, the last few months, she's gotten a job. She's like a VP of marketing with a company. CMO, these high ranking title. She's just a ninja what she does. So the problem we're running into, we keep having the same,

we're kind of going in a circle over and over about how to work together sort of or how to thrive still while not working together. And it just seems to be a bit of an impasse because I kind of, the career that I'm in, it's really too much for just me by myself to handle. There's so much to running a business.

You probably already know that, but aside from just making the product, there's so much sales, marketing, taxes, accounting, all the things, right? That it worked really well when we worked together, but doing it on my own, And I'm pretty much floundering. So Julie's in the tough spot of her own career is doing super well.

But she sees me floundering and then feels like she has to help me, right? And I don't want someone who feels like they have to help me. That's not fun. But you want her to want to help you? Well, yeah. But if she said, she said today, fine. Fine, I'll help you. I would say, well, I don't want help like that, right?

I mean, nobody wants that. But anyway, overall, we love working together. She's fantastic. She's, I could not speak highly enough of her in every way. Sure. But we just keep going in circles and kind of just not getting out of this loop of. It's the dance, yeah, it's just the dance. All right, Julie, Julie, how do you respond to that?

What do you want to add to that? I would say that's accurate. One important piece of this, I think, is that, as he mentioned, we did build something together and we actually sold it a few years ago, which put us in an interesting situation is do we build something new or do we kind of go our separate ways? And that was the point where we kind of went our separate ways. I wasn't really interested in necessarily in building that same type of thing again. But where we're coming up on the issue, so I'll just add to this, is that Jack feels that he maybe can't succeed without my help, and then I feel guilty because of some of those things that he'll say in that regard, like, do I owe that to him to help him fulfill, you know, his

his entrepreneurial dreams, his talents, um, do I owe that to him? You know, and then one thing that that comes up regularly is that, um, you know, we, we've worked well together, as he said, and he's now said, you know, I don't feel like we're partners anymore. Um, and I, I feel like we don't have that relationship anymore. He's super service oriented and is always doing things to help me. And he'll say, it seems like if you love me, you would want to help me. You would want to serve me. That would be the nice thing to do is to help me with this business. And so then I feel guilty, but then I also feel conflicted because I'm having my own success and enjoying that. And so like you said, it's this dance that we keep and it seems like it just doesn't get resolved. And I

know there are layers and ego and issues and all of these things. But for me, it feels like it's getting bigger. And so I just, I wanted, you know, some wisdom and an outside source to be able to tell us where we need to course correct. Yeah. So I guess the first thing I want to say out loud is I hear that y'all two love each other. We do. Definitely. John, she is awesome.

Okay. I'm not kidding. Okay. So this is good. So she's told you I don't want to do that anymore. And that has not, there's something beneath the business. In some way it feels to you like I don't want to do, like, It feels very personal.

Tell me about that. Well, I'm, I definitely want to succeed as a guy in providing for my family. But, but y'all are providing for your family. She's crushing you right now.

So is it about, is it about she makes more money than you? Like, give me that thing. Why are you feeling less than? Well, I don't mind her making more money than me. And I don't regret her success.

I'm really actually very happy for, I'm her biggest cheerleader and fan. Sure. But over the last, you know, since we sold our company and I, you know, I'm ready to do another round of this. She's, I'm kind of tired of failing on my side of this in the career. So I'm in a little bit of a knowing situation. Okay, let's stop, pause right there.

Let's get right beneath that. All entrepreneurs, you know this, have a low success rate. and then they win, and then you get back in the batter's box and you strike out and you strike out. Is there something beneath I'm tired of failing, which is I'm tired of feeling

like a failure in my own house, in my own skin? Yes, yes. But the thing that makes that complicated is I could succeed if I had her help. But see, I don't think that's true. I think you all did once.

here's my deeper question you all did a thing together you all built an amazing thing and then you sold it how have you all rebuilt connection laughter shared purpose sex joy how have you rebuilt those things absent from working on a business together in part two of your marriage well we bought a french bulldog together right i'm the caretaker i'm the caretaker i'm wondering i'm wondering if a yes there's the business stuff y'all y'all've been to the top of the mountain you'll build something together but every day y'all woke up and you had a shared purpose together yep y'all did a thing together she had she was the pitcher you were the first baseman and y'all won a championship and it was awesome inside your

own house it feels awesome okay yep yep And then the championship was over. The champagne runs out. And then she went and started pitching for another team. Yeah, she did. And you're excited for her. She's crushing it. She's doing good.

And you're sitting on the same first base team that you were on last time. You got nobody on the mound right now. You're trying to pitch too, and that's not going well. Great. But the question beneath that is, is everybody wants business success, and it's hard when you have a rock star in my house undoubtedly no question my wife is a better writer than me no question and so that we stay married we don't read each other's drafts period because i take all of her critiques very personally it hurts i feel like oh you think

i'm stupid i'm dumb i'm not enough yet and that sends me on a spiral and she doesn't like so we just can't. But that means we have to together create other shared purposes where we can be successful together. And I'm wondering if yes, you're missing the business success, but deep down, you're missing your wife. Well, yes, I think you're right on a lot of them. And the problem now is that her career, she's the pitcher for another team, she's very busy. She's not the kind of not the kind of job that ends, right? I mean... CMO is trying to run...

You're on call 24-7, that's right. And mine, you know, trying to relaunch a new endeavor and, you know, round two of this, that's a heavy lift too. And so we're starting to get to the point where she gets home from work and whatever and we have dinner and then I'm going back to work. She's going back to work on her job.

Just pause right there. That's the challenge. Yeah. Is this... This terrifying... Let's do something together. Well, but that's the terrifying, scary question. We're in marriage part two, and this may be your third marriage or your fourth marriage, right? Everybody builds new ones, whether they know they're billing them or not.

And the question is, do you still see me? Do you still like me? And if you have this feeling, this memory of this shared purpose where you felt I did my thing, you did your thing, and together we created an awesome thing. It can feel real lonely. When one of you's winning, one of you's not, it can feel really lonely when you just are constantly remembering.

Remember how it used to be? And I know how we can get back there today. We can both do a new business together. Right. And so the question beneath that question, I'll ask you, Julia, is what does it look like to say, hey, I'm winning in my career, you're struggling to get back off the ground

I see you struggling I know I could come over and fix it I don't want that to be part of my life anymore and that's okay but the deeper thing is how do we reprioritize this amazing adventure we set out together on

called not starting a business but being married and that usually starts with couples sweeping the deck and saying hi my name is Julie hi my name is Jack I like you

you and of course I know y'all love each other but I like you how can I love you today and let's rebuild our marriage you'll have a new you'll have a new system you all have a new plan you'll have a new thing that means you're going to have to instead of having to meet all day because if you have a shared business now you have to decide we're going to prioritize each other on the calendar and meet together instead of just having work dinners where y'all ended up having dates where you'll talk about shared business things we're going to have to put dates on the calendar and talk about things that each other's working on.

You see what I'm saying? There's a level of intentionality that has to happen because it was all wound up in this shared purpose we had earlier. So how do we leave? I love what you're saying.

I think this direction is I think what we need to hear. How do we leave behind the idea that what will fix it is working together? I mean, how do we move past that? Because I feel like that's the conversation that we're having every day.

Jack, you answer that question. That totally makes sense. Jack, you answer that question. Well, it's helpful. I think the most helpful thing would be nine times out of ten, Julie, will say, hey, I'm not going back. I'm not helping. I'm moving on.

One out of ten times, she'll say, hey, I might come back. Hey, let's maybe do this again. So you're telling me there's a chance. It would be easier to just shut the door. I'd rather have to shut the door completely. Okay, okay. But that's a huge responsibility to put on her. Because 90% of the time she's told you, I love you, and I want to be married to you,

and I want to figure out how to be your number one priority in the world. But I don't want to do this thing. And then she watches you melt and she watches you mope. and she watches you be sad and feel like I'm failing. And even when I just first met you, you told me about all the things you're deficient in. I don't even know what business you do, but I guarantee you're good at what you do.

I am. Right? But not all of it. Of course, but dude. He's very good at it. I'm terrible at certain stuff. That's why I've got a whole team of people on the other side of the glass here in the studio.

And so it's recognizing just because I'm not good at these things. Doesn't mean I'm less than. but you're putting her in a position you break up with me instead of hearing the 90% of the time the nine out of ten times she says I'm really feeling fulfilled in this version of my professional self right now

and you have to ask yourself okay what kind of marriage do I want to build with somebody that's just a huge responsibility to tell somebody else to break up with you I guess she already has nine times out of ten and the question i would have for you if we were just meeting one-on-one is why do you equate her wanting to go be successful in a new job as somehow i don't like being

with you or even deeper now you're not likable when's the last time julie you looked at your husband and said i see how hard you're grinding at this and i'm proud of how hard you're working well if i'm not answering that probably means way too long huh or even saying yeah maybe you can answer that my guess is probably never yeah yeah or when's the last time jack you felt her getting up and going to work and that entrepreneurial that i call it the proverbial blinking cursor right somebody you love is off making a paycheck and you're just staring at the cursor saying create create create as an entrepreneur and you just feel abandoned and you put your fist in your chest jack and said i'm so grateful to have a wife that's out there crushing it i know she loves me

and my feelings are mine right now i feel less than right now or even deeper when's the last I'm Jack. You said, Julie, thank you for stepping out of this dance and going to make a whole bunch of money and be really successful. I'm grateful for you. Um, I hope we say, I hope we say things like that. Maybe not quite those words, but I, Julie knows how proud I am for my color frequently. Do you say it? Very often.

A daily. I'm very, she's, hey, I think a lot, I think really, if you go deep, I, I know she's not very proud of me as a provider. I think that's a story you're telling yourself. She's made that clear. Okay. She was very disappointed and basically got to a point where she said, you're not cutting it. I'm going to have to take care of myself. Okay.

And Julie, if you said those things, there's two sides of this. If you said those things, you all need to sit down off air and have that conversation. The other side of that is, is as the great Bray Brown once said, what you go looking for in the world, you're sure to find.

And in those seasons when I think I'm a failure, when I'm not cutting it, I interpret every glance of my wife as criticism. I interpret every hour she's off trying to make some money as a failure because that's what I feel in my chest and so I go looking for it

to prove that story out and so Julie if you've told him I'm not proud of you, you're failing I've got to go keep his family afloat then you only have that conversation and Jack, it's you being able to exhale and say okay it's not going to happen this second time

and now I've got a hobby yeah and now it's time for me to grieve this thing that i wanted to make happen again it's not going to happen again and by the way you told yourself a story that if she would just quit and join you it would happen again as an entrepreneur we all have to know that's not true well she's that good actually that i would i know i'm just i'm just dude i work with behind closed doors with really famous people who were famouser yesterday. Right. With really successful people who were really, really successful last month.

It's a dragon, it's a ghost that you chase. But what I'm hearing is from the both of you is two things. One, you'll need to sit down and have the conversation. Like put some finality to it. I love this career, and I feel like I feel like someone's got to support the family and julie if you're disappointed in jack and his inability to provide for you all you've got to put that on the table and that clear of words not in a mean way but in a kind honest way i using i words i don't feel safe in this house because i don't we don't

have enough money or i'm watching the man i love dig himself a deeper and deeper hole and i miss you and jack you have to be able to exhale and say the woman i love and dedicated my life to has said she doesn't want to build another business not with me but she just doesn't want to build another business and so i need to uncouple my my view of myself as a really talented successful whatever it is you're doing to i'm a failure of a and loser of a husband now i'm a dog dad and then you'll have to sit down at the table and say I miss you I'm not going to leave will you build a new thing with me and that looks like coffee in the mornings that looks like acts of service hang on the line I'll hook you up with my together app and y'all can start working that together just one daily step a day to bring you

back together that's awesome thank you thank you thank you so much so we didn't solve anything today julian jack but we hopefully cleared the deck a little bit so y'all can be honest with other, sit across a table and say, I still like you. Or maybe I don't. Maybe I don't like you. I'm going to have to have that conversation. But from here, y'all can create and build anything. Y'all are entrepreneurs. Go make it happen. When we come back, we talk to a woman who is fighting to protect her sister-in-law while everyone in her family is looking the other way. I want to invite you to something really cool happening this month. Hallow, which is the prayer app that I use every day, is teaming up with the Bible.

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That's Hallow, H-A-L-O-W-com slash Deloni. All right, I've been telling everybody about cozy earth's bamboo sheets and pajamas for a long time now. They give you that kind of comfort that makes coming home from a chaotic workplace or a wild, nutty world, a reason to relax and even celebrate. And now that the weather is cooler, I want to tell you about cozy earth's soft wash cotton sheets. I love sleeping on cotton sheets in the fall and the winter. These amazing cotton sheets give you that perfect, broken and feel that your favorite shirt gets

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Go to cozyearth.com slash Deloni and use code Deloney on top of their sitewide sale and it's going to give you up to 40% off in savings. These deals will not last. So start your holiday shopping early. That's cozyearth.com slash deloni. Use code Deloney. All right. Let's go out to Cheyenne, Wyoming and talk to Lauren. What's up, Lauren? Hi. Thank you for taking my call. Of course. Thanks for calling. What's up? Yeah, so I'll be brief. I have abuse in my past, domestic violence in my past, so I left a few abusive relationships. But the point is that I'm intimately familiar with that process. I've since educated myself. I've gone through PTSD, you know, therapy. I've done the whole gambit. So fast forward, I'm married to a wonderful man. And his brother, yeah, he's great. His brother was, atrociously violent with his wife, my sister-in-law. Oh, man.

And they have two children. So, and I, well, I knew it when I met him. You know, victims know, no. I feel like you can feel it. So I told him when I met him, don't leave me alone with this man. There's something wrong. I bet you he hurts her. And then fast forward, it comes out, he was arrested for strangulation,

assault with a deadly weapon for her. And so much more because you and I both know victims won't really tell you the whole truth. Okay, hold on. Sit with me for a second. You're taking off on a train track on me. Sit with me. Sorry. No, you're okay. Don't ever apologize.

I just want you to stay with me now. Listen to me now, okay? You've been unsafe in the past and you're okay right now, okay? Yes, I am. You're with me. You can exhale. Drop your shoulders. I can hear them all the way up around your ears.

Yeah, I'm shaking. I'm sorry. Yeah, you're good. You're good, you're good. I'm proud of you for having the courage to tell your story what happened, and I can feel the advocacy coming out. Which is awesome. I love fierce advocates. I love them. Okay. Do you want me to continue? I'm sorry.

Yeah, go for it. No, don't ever stop. No, apologize. No apologizing. No apologies. Well, so, yeah, fast forward. And she would call me because I said, you know, I can tell something's wrong. If you ever need me, please call me. And so, you know, she would share with me, you know, he'd hide keys. He would lock her in rooms, like things that really bad things. And you know, there's worse going on. And after a while, I told her, like, okay, I can't hear this. It's taking me to a bad place. Call me when you're done. So she called me last year. We put together a safety plan.

She left, got a protection order. And he moved in with my in-laws. Oh, God. And yes. And so, and the in-laws called me and said, I know you've been through this. What do we do? And I said, we have to be in her corner right now. And he needs to face consequences, right?

This is what we have to do. my husband's in law enforcement and he's seen this too. So we were both on the same page. We opened our home to her and the kids and the siblings rallied behind her. There's a lot of siblings in this household. And we had

Christmas at our house without the in-laws and him because no one wanted to be around him. So fast forward. Hold on. So her mom and dad chose him. No. His parents. She doesn't have anyone. Okay. Unfortunately.

So we rallied around her, but they chose to have Christmas with him without their grandkids, without anybody else. And this man is not good. It has since come out that there was sexual abuse perpetrated by him in the household. Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's stop talking about him. He's a terrible, he's a terrible sick person. Yes. Okay?

Yes. But your bodies need to protect you keeps him front and center, which means in a strange way he's running your life. Oh, I want to, I want to do things to this man that I can't talk about. I know you do, I know you do. But listen, but that puts him two inches from your eyesight at all times. And in a weird way, that gives him a strange power over your life. Let's set that guy down. Okay.

That doesn't mean we don't pursue justice. That doesn't mean that we don't, like, take care of, but he is not going to run my life. Okay. I will keep I will Every time you feel yourself heading off towards If I just had five minutes with him Whatever we in the nerd world we call that rumination But you're you are having imaginary conversations

You're having imaginary fist fights with him You're having these but your body doesn't know the difference And it has a script for fight or fly Because you've been through this hell before Yeah And there's there's times when Abuse victims Like I'll tell you

tell them when you feel that imaginary conversation pop up, literally say out loud, no, not having this conversation. Because he's not there, he's not there, right? By Felicia. Yeah, okay, I can do that. Like not having, and then here's the magic. Because that sounds trite and easy. You have to refill that gap, that space that you just cut off with a positive interaction

about your husband, about your sister-in-law, about somebody else. That's where most people don't get it right. They just say like, no. And then he's like, oh, yeah. And there's nothing to backfill it. All right. That's helpful. Thank you.

And so you starting that imaginary conversation again, here we go. And usually it's weird, either people are in the shower or they're driving. For sure. And it's like, I'm going to, I'm just, and your body's like, oh, game on again, it flips the switch and you are flooded with action chemicals. Let's go. But that's when your husband gets in the car and says, says, hey, good afternoon. And you're like, what?

Right? Or your kid's like, hey, mom. And you're like, don't hey me! Right? And suddenly, other people that you love and care about walk into a buzzsaw. You see what I'm saying? I do. I do.

And I'm always on my toes like that. And I went to therapy, too, because I was, if I saw him, I was going to throw down. But that isn't even my question. So we recently got together. Because of family, and I could not handle these people acting like everything was fine. Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop. Yeah. Then don't.

What do you mean? Your whole life has been you thrown in the trunk of somebody else's car driving the direction they wanted to go. And I want you to sit firmly in the front seat of your own life. if other people are going to be morons that's what my husband says he knows how to do this I don't but I'm just telling you

it sounds so overly complicated this is not a problem you're going to solve with facts this isn't a problem you're going to solve with anger or rage they have picked their team the only person you can control here is you. And what that means is I am not going to let people who protect

violent criminals who hurt women, they don't get a vote in my day. I'm going to call the police and I'm going to go on about my life. Well, we, if it was within the jurisdiction here, we would call the police. That's not a problem. Then if you can, you can't, right? but right right they're in they're in a different city and so when we get together I just don't understand how you won't because it's madness yeah well then how do you interact with these people you don't I don't they have can I just check out because I don't know you know how this works they have opted out of your life they opted out they opted out and that and then what you what what you the step you're skipping here is grief

sad. You won't never find a rational answer to an irrational act. Ever. And it's that old proverb. I've said it 20 times on the show. I finally sat down with my anger and she took off

her mask and revealed herself as grief. I am sad that I have this picture of my family. I have been a good person. I've endured hell. I'm married well. And yet somebody else some other violent evil person ends up in my family and disrupts this picture that I've worked so hard to preserve that should make me heartbroken and sad thank you and if you haven't wept for the picture that should be families taking care of each other criminals in jail you need to

spend some time in grief and grief and grief And by the way, grief for an abuse survivor is terrifying because grief is submission. It's humility. It's saying I can't carry this any longer. And for an abuse survivor, that feels like weakness and exposure. Yeah. It feels like powerlessness. Okay.

Dang it. I didn't think I'd cry. All right. You know, with the holidays, coming up is this just it's yes we're not having holidays over there we're doing it with us you can do whatever you want

I'm not going to yes I don't yeah I think and so here's the order number one I'm going to reclaim my autonomy my strength I don't love the word power but I'll give that to you here you've been through enough I'm going to reclaim my

seat in the front seat of the car that is my life and since I'm married I'm co-drime. Sometimes I drive. Sometimes he drives. But I'm in the front seat. I'm not in the trunk of my own life anymore. I've had old husbands put me in there. I've had my parents put me in there when I was a kid. I've had abusers put me in there. I will not get in the trunk again. Okay? And then the second step is, hey, honey, I'm going to be sad as all bloody hell. That we can't have a regular old, goofy, dumb, complaining, bad hands. cheap wine get together holiday and the third thing is empowerment the dot dot dot so here's what I'm gonna do it's the action part so I'm gonna have the most badass Christmas at my house and people are welcome and we're gonna dance and laugh and y'all gonna play my stupid games because it's my freaking house I don't want to hurt my husband in all this I mean here's the deal here's the deal you can't control that either he has a right to be super super sad but you

can't make him feel any kind of way and I'll tell you this and I would tell him if he was on his phone on the phone if he demands or whatever even suggests that his wife, who is a domestic violence, multiple time domestic violence survivor, heads into the home of someone who gives refuge to that kind of evil?

Right? I feel like you just articulated what I wanted to say this whole time. Okay, but it's you tell my husband would not. He's so good. I know. He's like, well, we're dealing with idiots and we can't control them and he has this uncanny

ability to just turn off his emotions. He's a cop. He doesn't. He's a cop. He doesn't turn him off. He shoves them way down. He shoves him down. Okay. That's true. Yeah. But here's the thing. Y'all aren't crazy. The part y'all are missing is, is grief. Thank you. It's the, all grief is the gap between what we wanted to be true and what actually showed up. Thank you. Even if you have to sit down, there's no William Glasser exercise. Sit down with your husband and draw a car and draw y'all two in the front seat. Literally look at it like children and say, we get to decide where this thing goes. What do we want our house to feel like during the holidays? Is it wrong with me to know when I see or talk with the middle?

Nope. Is that too far? Nope. I feel so good to see about it. Okay. Choose guilt over resentment. choose safety over fear thank you okay can I tell you I'm really honored by your call

well I appreciate your help I just look for resources and how do you deal with families who do this and I'm fighting nothing and my therapist helped me control me right so I won't punch him if I see him which is great because I did do karate as part of my healing

so I would hurt him but you know no one had a really good way to deal with this and I just sat in a corner the last time and felt very numb and angry and that's just not how to deal with things so I want I want you to use oh but here's the thing let me honor you for a second you you you try to expose your therapy on your own for lack of better terms you tried and your body said no rightfully so and so here's how we go forward. You don't attack your husband. He sounds like he's an awesome guy. He's great. You say the words, this year, I'm choosing safety for the holidays. I'm choosing

laughter. I'm choosing silly. And y'all come up with three or four words. And she'll shake hands on that and then say, so that means we're not going to the in-law's house. That means we're not going to fill in the blank. And with those decisions comes grief. With those decisions comes sadness, where those boundaries comes reality and heartbreak. But nobody should ride in the trunk of their own car anymore. Back to the front seat. I'm proud of you, my sister. I'm proud of you.

Thank you so, so much for a call. We'll be right back. All right, we all get that feeling like something's off in the world. Actually, there's tons of things feeling off in the world. But right now, I've got this constant, hum of anxiety and a lot of that starts with these phones i feel like they're listening to us they monitor every move we make and when i pull up my laptop every single keystroke i make is being tracked we're living in a time when personal information like your name address phone number even your family's information is being bought and sold behind our back without our consent it's not just a privacy issue when your personal data is scattered across the internet we're all carrying this low level stress and we might not even be able to put our finger on it. This is why I use delete me. Delete me as a service that hunts down your personal information that's being held on all these shady data broker websites and it makes sure

that it's all removed. It's like digital boundary setting. When you take back control of your information, you don't just feel safer, you are safer and that helps you feel calmer. And look, it's not about hiding from the world. It's just about choosing what parts of your life are for public knowledge and what's for your private knowledge. If you want less chaos and more control, this is a simple place to start. Go to join delete me.com slash deloney and use code Deloney to get 20% off an annual plan. That's join deleteme.com slash deloney to save 20% off. Go check them out. All right, we're back. Hey, take two seconds and hit the subscribe button or two seconds and hit the follow button. I don't know what the overlords want you.

to do and whatever platform you're watching or listening to the show on, but just take a second and hit the subscribe button on YouTube, wherever you are. It makes a huge difference, and I'm super, super grateful for you. Let's go out to Winnipeg, Manitoba, talk to Cole. What's up, Cole? Hi, Dr. John. How are you doing? I'm doing great, brother. How are you? Doing, I'm elbow deep in drywall mud. Dude, what's it like being like a real guy? That sounds awesome. You can actually do stuff. you can shower at the end of the day and not the beginning

fantastic oh well played man you know what all even the baddest dudes I know at construction stuff they always are like no I'm gonna call somebody to do drywall it's so hard it's so hard I tried it once man and it looked it was awful it was awful um all right so

good on you man so what's up how can I help I have been so blessed in this whole life just over and over and over the years. I'm in my 40s now. I'm just like blessed and blessed and blessed and blessed. But I feel like I'm losing my wife.

Oh, man. Tell me about that. And I mean, the prompt that I wrote in to the show was about how she is exhausted at the end of the day. We put our kids to bed at like 7.30, and she falls asleep almost immediately. She's... How old are your kids?

She's sleeping. They're in elementary. elementary school, just almost seven and nine. Okay. And she falls asleep. She's a teacher, and she's rightfully tired, but she spends the whole evening sleeping from like 8 o'clock to 11.30 when I go to bed, and then she gets out of bed when I go to bed.

And then I sleep the night, and she's up. and then on the crazy days she'll go back to bed when I wake up and it's this weird this weird dynamic where we're just like trading off in the bed and obviously she does go to bed

sometimes at three, four, five in the morning and I'll wake up next to her but I know she's so sleep deprived I mean I don't wake her up right you get out of bed like a ninja But she still has to get up and go be a teacher, right? Yes, I don't know how she does it, honestly. But I just feel like I'm losing her.

I mean, the other element of the whole thing is that she does not want to be touched. Hugs and intimacy and anything to do with physical contact is just out of the picture. Like, it just does not happen. Where's the origin of that? Has it always been that way, or is that new? Well, since our seven-year-old was born was when I really noticed it. Okay. Where it was like, just don't touch me, don't touch me.

And I thought it was a phase, and maybe it was, but it's a long phase. Yeah, I mean, you're on seven years. I refuse, I refuse, it's, it would not only be unethical and all that, but it's, it's very hard to do this. I would suggest, so I'm not going to make any diagnostics on this show, but I would suggest that your wife is struggling pretty deeply and she needs to see somebody ASAP. And she is. Okay. And it's been a long time and it doesn't seem to be changing anything. It doesn't seem to be.

Then she's not meeting with somebody because anybody worth their salt would ask the questions as part of an intake. Tell me about your sleeping. And she has a dysregulated sleep pattern that is very, very unhealthy that makes it impossible to have any sort of cognitive clarity. Yeah. It's these little burst of crashing wide-eyed, crashing wide-eyed, right? on top of a newly emergent like don't touch me like there's some there's some big alarm bells going off in my mind that she's she's really not well yeah and you combine that with stress of course like there's so many things that stress are out of course crowds and clutter and finances and but all those things all those alarm bells have a central a central source when's the last time y'all went on a date and just looked at each other and said hi it's been a few weeks um uh in the summer we had we had a couple um that wasn't a few weeks

that was like months yeah yeah i mean and dates are not intimate it feels like I'm going out with my sister they are they are not like have you put that on the table what would that look like because I've heard your question I'm big fan of the show by the way I've heard your question of spouses

encouraging spouses to ask what do you want your house to feel like right which is a similar question she hates that question I have tried it she does not want to answer that question it's almost like she doesn't want her house to feel like anything that's it she is avoiding feeling at all costs

that's why I'm worried about her yeah it's a ever-increasing numbing out and touch makes you feel sleep makes you feel laughter dancing joy exercise all the things make you feel.

And that's why there's a symptom cluster that when people start taking those away and life becomes like the old fight club becomes a copy of a copy of a copy. It's like you're living your life through like an opaque transparency. You sleepwalk through everything. Yeah, and it's hard for me to understand that.

You can't, but what you can say is I'm what I'll tell you the exact words my wife used for me brother I am watching my husband die period that's what my wife said to me and she was right right and your language may be a little bit different but it's that direct I haven't held hands I haven't hugged I haven't slept with my wife in seven years I miss you I'm watching you not sleep and I'm watching you melt underneath me and as somebody who loves you and who's created humans together I can't stand by idle any longer and here's my challenge to you the next step is I'm going to go with you to a 30-day inpatient and drop you off you're not okay

and if you've listened to my show for a while you know I don't normally go here that's where she's at right now I can't we can't afford it, I'm not going to do it, yada, yada. We have to go do something pretty, pretty significant. I love you too much. Does she have anyone in her life that she'll listen to? Probably. Yeah. Yeah, we have a, we have a small group that's pretty awesome. Is there two or three women in that group that she would listen to or will she blow them off? yeah I know she would listen to them yeah and maybe that's the conversation

but I guess I guess if we back out all the way out in the driveway and just look at the house here you have to exhale and say what I've been trying to do my tiptoeing my picking up all the slack my trying to be accommodating

everything on a trend line is getting worse and worse and worse so what I'm doing is not working The way I'm hearing you describe it is like you're holding a handful of sand and your wife is just beginning to slip through your fingers. Yeah, I mean, that's maybe a traumatic way of putting it, but yeah. Yeah. she needs some pretty direct love and care man and i recognize this is a um it's a complex

intervention it's extremely complex because there's there's never like an acute crisis moment no right it's it's a slow fade slow bleed yes yeah whereas if something were to happen uh we could deal with it, and it would be like a moment of clarity or whatever, but as it is, it's just we've gotten here, how have we gotten here? However, it's happened.

And here's the thing, right now, that doesn't matter. What matters is you're in the car and it's driving down the road and you see it heading towards the cliff and waiting until it goes off the cliff is too long. But the way, the things you're describing to me,

is a person who is slowly shutting all the lights off in their life. And I'm going to be willing to risk anger. I'm going to be willing to risk frustration. I'm going to, willing to risk threats. To say, I love you enough to say, I see you hurting. I know you. I know how bad things are getting increasingly not okay. Like you said, a slow drip.

I miss my. wife I'm watching you slowly exit the life you live in and we're going to go get some help and I'll be right by your side but we're going to go get some help and maybe you have that conversation with two trusted girlfriends of hers who will show up maybe it's just you I mean you know the context better and I don't know what your financial situation is I don't know what your insurance is I don't know any of that kind of stuff but reaching out and saying I'm worried and maybe it's even as minimal as calling her current counselor and saying here's what I'm seeing and the counselor can't talk to you about her you know his or her client but they can take one-way calls

you can call their therapist and say I'm watching my wife disappear in front of me and I'm about to take an intervention step um next time I just need you to know that and maybe that will dial up the concern of the therapist but maybe not if it's been going on for years and they haven't even asked about your sleep and behavioral regulation and stuff like that, then I don't even know how good the counselor is, but I don't want to judge that. I'm not in that room, but all I'd say is I think this is one of those moments. I'm going to turn on every light I got. I'm going to reach out and ask some people for help. I got two little kids watching this slow, this slow suffocation happen, and I'm going to say I missed my wife. And you're here

just for this moment, man. I'm grateful for your call, my brother. Hang on the line. I'm missing you a copy of building it on anxious life, and that can be a roadmap for you. and your wife, but she needs professional help and care right now. But the anxiety about health and about money and about all those things I address those in the book. So hang on the line. I'll send you a copy there, brother. Thanks for a call, man. We'll be right back. I'm beyond thrilled to announce that Montana Knife Company has now joined my team. For years, I have used one company for every knife I need, Montana Knife Company. These knives are designed, tested, and built by real hunters and real cooks. My family and I use these knives

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available right now. That's montananinife company.com.com. am I the problem All right This is from Sloan In Newport, Rhode Island I like the name Sloan I do too

It's a great name Like cool girls have that name Yeah the girl that was in Ferris Bueller's Day Off If was Sloan That's the only Sloan I've ever known And I always just thought That was such a cool name

I just remember being a young high school kid And knowing there was some older like Older women like seniors and juniors And a couple girls named Sloan And they're all just like They're just cool It is a great name All right

So Sloan writes Hi John and Crew I'm looking for thoughts on who is the problem in this situation. She didn't use that word, but that's one we're going to use for this show. My husband is an aggressive driver, but insists that he's not because he has a, quote, unquote, perfect record, no accidents. The thing is, I don't care. I feel very frightened when I'm with him in the car, and he knows this. While he has adjusted his speed and aggression over time, it is still what I consider scary and unsafe.

Most times when he's driving, I tell myself that I'm never going to do this again, but I do, and I've voiced my concerns every time. To give you a clear picture, I'd say on the highway, his average speed is at least 90 and will speed up to 100 to pass people, and it terrifies me. I know I witnessed, he knows that I witnessed a horrible accident when I was 11, and I've been fearful ever since. Am I the problem? Is this my wife? My wife set me up.

This could be your wife, Dave's wife, James's wife. Yeah. So, no, you're not the problem. But the solution is, I'm not going to write in the car with you anymore. I'm choosing to get myself there safely. Feel free to drive, and I'll meet you there. And when my wife started doing that with a smile on her face, I realized I'm making my wife feel not safe, and I stopped.

It wasn't like, oh, shut up, I can do it. It wasn't that. I'm terrorizing somebody. So I'm not going to ride with you anymore. I'll drive, and I'll get myself there. If you want to ride with me, cool, but I'll be there and I'll meet you there. It's that simple. But no, you're not crazy for not wanting to be, A, feeling unsafe,

all the time be having your partner just blow off your safety concerns and c driving unsafe safely down the highway so yeah you're right good call but by the way the next step is going to be a battle just know that's coming just know it's coming thanks for the call bye