The Dr. John Delony Show - My Wife’s Addictions Are Ruining Our Marriage

Episode Date: September 30, 2024

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·     A husband unsure how to deal with his wife’s addictive behavior ·     A wife struggling to balance her career and motherhood ·     A woman wondering how to set boundaries with her sister Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show T-Shirts   Connect With Our Sponsors: ·      10% off your first month of therapy at BetterHelp ·      3 free months of Hallow  ·      25% off Thorne orders  ·      20% off Organifi with code DELONY ·      25% off plus two free pillows at Helix Sleep ·      $350 off Pod 4 Ultra at Eight Sleep  ·      40% off Cozy Earth products with code DELONY ·      20% off DeleteMe with code DELONY ·      10% off the Core or All-In package at Marek Health with code DELONY ·      Free T-shirt or hat with any button-down shirt order at Poncho Outdoors with code DELONY   Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 The EntreLeadership Podcast Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. My wife seems to go from one bad behavior to another, and I just don't know what to do anymore. Tell me about bad behavior. That sounds very paternal. The big thing is that my wife had a five-year affair. Why are you still in this marriage, Daniel? Your family's gone.

Good morning, good afternoon, good night. This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you're here hanging out with us, talking about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. I'm not the smartest person who's ever lived. I'm not even the smartest person in the room I'm in. And I actually am the only person in this room right now. But here's what I know. I know that most of us are hurting. Most of us are going through some sort of challenges and millions

and millions and millions of us don't have anybody to call. And that's what this show is about. I'll sit with you and we will figure out the next right move for you. It's what I've been doing for the last two decades plus. And I'm not good at very much, but I can sit with people and we can shine a light and help figure out what to do next. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. By the way, the phrase, give me a buzz, comes from the band leader in my first rock band

when I was a freshman in high school, Steve Evans. I don't know where you are, but if you're out in the world, Steve Evans, he was one of the greatest guitar players, one of the kindest, most wonderful men I've ever known. He was a kid when I knew him, but man, he taught me how to play guitar, taught me how to do all kinds of amazing things.

So, Steve, if you're out there, I'm still saying, let's give me a buzz. But give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. I don't know why he just popped into my mind. That's so rando. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Let's go out to Atlanta, Georgia and talk to Dan the Man. What's up, Daniel? Hey, how are you? I'm all right,

brother. How are you, man? Well, not so good or I wouldn't be calling you. There you go. There you go, man. What's going on, dude? Well, the question I have is my wife seems to go from one bad behavior to another that is hurting my family. And I just don't know what to do anymore. And just trying to figure out what my next steps should be. Tell me more. Tell me about bad behavior. That sounds very paternal. What do you mean bad behavior? It's kind of hard to word that. I feel like my wife is running from a lot of things

and she just goes from one thing to the next that isn't me or family. I know that does sound kind of paternal. Give me some examples. Okay. So, man, how much time do you have? Right now, as of recent, there's one thing that's happened recently and there's a big thing that happened. So which one would you like to start with? Start with the big thing and work back to the present.

Okay. So the big thing is that my wife had a five-year affair that I did not know about, obviously. And really kind of before that, I, for most of our marriage had a pornography addiction and, um, had talked to several girls, nothing ever, um, physical or anything like that. It was all online and she called me, um, one day and, uh, which turned out to be great for me. Uh, it helped me look at myself, examine myself. And then the next year after that was just turmoil, awful, uh, kind of like paying the price. And then the year, almost a year after that, I found out that my wife was having this affair. So she had been having an affair for four years before she found out you were struggling pornography and talking to people online. Yeah. Okay. So she lit you on fire for a year

while she was four plus years into her own sexual affair? Yes. Okay. So how long ago was this? 2020 is when she found out about me. And then 2021 is when I found out about her. And then 2021 is when I found out about her.

Okay. And then I think we just took completely different approaches. I, you know, went to therapy, begged her to go, but she didn't want to go. Really, you know, looked at myself and, you know, asked myself, is this really the person I want to be? And no, it wasn't. But then when I caught her, she continued the affair. And from what I understand, she's still contacting him or trying to contact him.

Why are you still in this marriage, Daniel? Well, I mean, that's kind of why I'm talking to you I don't know I want my family Your family's gone Yeah What has happened recently? You said there's a pattern of behaviors here

You've got a 5, 6, 7 7 to 8 year affair that your wife is continuing. Recently, she, I guess, got on that Timu app. Oh, God. Has she just blown your, has she started expending money like crazy? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there was one day I came home, looked at my account, and she had spent like $900 in like a two-day period.

Of Timu stuff? That's like eight million things. Yeah. My house was cluttered. I mean, I had, and I'd kind of known it was happening, but I was trying to not rock the boat, I guess. What was before the spending? Before the spending, when she had a job, she would just nose down work all the time. Any substance abuse? There was when she was having the affair, work all the time. Any substance abuse? There was when she was having the affair, from what I understand.

She's still having the affair, Daniel. You know this. Well, I don't think, I mean, I know she's trying to talk to him, but I don't think that he's talking to her. Oh, even better. Yeah. So you have a habit over the last decade of your life of not addressing things. Yeah, that's right. What is not addressing?

What is ignoring? What does that get you? Because it's getting you something. It's getting me my family. It's not. It's got to be giving you something else because your family doesn't exist as you think it does, as you fantasize that it does. Yeah. I don't know i mean i i'm i guess i you know what is what is what is why are you what about your physiology like why does conflict scare you let me ask you just straight

up why does conflict scare you you know i was afraid to call in because uh i knew you were gonna i knew you're gonna bring stuff up about me. Well, I mean, she's not on the phone, and you're the one calling, and you're the one that needs to make some hard calls in your life. But what is it about conflict that scares you? Conflict has been scary for me, but as of late, I mean this week basically, I just told her that she's got to make a decision if she's going to get help or not. No, that's not it.

You have to make the decision. You. You've been not making a decision for so long. Yeah. Did decisions get you beat up as a kid? I mean, like, where does this come from? I don't know. I really don't know.

I've thought about that a lot. I grew up with, like, where is this coming from? I don't know. I really don't know. Um, I've thought about that a lot. I grew up with like an awesome family. My parents have been married for, you know, 55 years loving one another, still holding hands. Um, so is that maybe you don't have a picture of conflict in your world? I've thought about that. Yeah. Okay. So here's the deal. There's an old saying that I got from an academician, a brilliant man, but it's not by your hand, but in your lap. It didn't cause it, it hits here. Right. And the thing about not addressing conflict is it, the thing you are so scared of happening, losing your marriage, it's gone. Now, there's a chance it could be rebuilt, but

she didn't have any interest in that. Well, I've asked her to kind of think about that this week. I'm actually, I separated from her for a 10-day period to try to give her time to... It's not her time. It's yours. Right. Okay. It's not her time. It's yours.

I want to try to save the marriage you have to be so crystal clear I feel like I've done that with this with a specific list of behaviors you will be on a budget

you will not contact this other person which means you have to get rid of your cell phone for a while you have to stop yelling at the kids.

You've got to stop. You see what I'm saying? This is what has to happen in my home for me to continue being married to you. You've heard me say this on the show a million times. Behavior's a language. She's been telling you for a decade, I don't want to be married to you.

She'll take your money and she'll take your life that you give her. It's pretty conflict free. Yeah. I guess anytime I even bring up stuff like that, she tells me that I'm controlling. The gas

lights burn brightly at Daniel's house. I mean, you can call it controlling. You can also call it not wanting to get an FTI because your wife is out sleeping with somebody else. Or you can call it not wanting to go into financial ruin because your wife is spending y'all into a downward spiral. Well, so I took the bank account away from her.

Now, that's controlling. But, I mean, you have to do what you got to do. You've referred to it as your account and like your money. Do y'all have stuff split up or is this how you've had to live? Because she is out of control. Well, she's out of control. I mean, it was $900 in a day, but thousands of dollars over months and trying to tell her, you know, I can't breathe when it's like this. Like if we don't have money to pay the light bill, it makes me feel anxious and trying to give her subtle

warnings. And finally I came home one day and I said, you spent $900. Like, I don't know, like we can't do that. And she said, I did it because you try to control me. And I was showing you that I can't or that you can't. So I went to the bank and, um, moved the money, uh, into another account. And I guess I say my money because it's, I'm the only one that's working. She hasn't had a job and, uh, a consistent job in about four years. Um, yeah, but I mean, that's, if y'all are building a household together, it's y'all's money. Well, I, I mean, I want it to be ours money.

And I mean, I told her this is what I want. You know, I want her to be back on the account. But right now, it's... Here's the deal, Daniel. Your marriage is over, brother. Yeah. I'm just telling you that I don't... If you've listened to this show long enough, you know I don't say that lightly.

Yeah. For someone to say i'm gonna destroy you financially do y'all have kids yeah we got two kids yeah i'm gonna destroy you and the two kids just to prove a point to you i'm gonna keep talking to the person i've had an affair with for over 10 years i'm gonna i'm going to eviscerate you for struggling with pornography while I'm having a sexual affair with somebody else. I mean, I don't know what else you want me to say. I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you asking her to make a choice is just taking your dignity and your respect and

putting it on the table and say, do what you will with this. Yeah. And I know you want to save your marriage. What you had is over. And after you, it sounds like after you, like the light got was,

you know, turned on with the pornography challenge. You said, I don't want to be this guy. And you worked on it. Yeah. And she kept calling her and seeing her boyfriend. And after you've had some pretty steady improvements in your life and trying to make yourself the kind of person that's worthy of being married and worthy of,

of the greatest title in the world, which is dad, she's calling you controlling. And now she's trying to, she went to the bank to blow up the house. Yeah. I guess, I mean, I hear what you're saying. Why can't it sink in?

There seems to be a block of you entering into reality. I guess I just think about telling my youngest, especially, this is what's going to happen. Think of it the other way. Okay. I'm not saying this is... I think what you're... Here's a good example.

I think you have been in a terrible... I mowed my lawn all weekend. You've been in a terrible mowing accident. And you slipped and fell behind a mower. And you really... You cut off all your toes. And you're holding these toes.

And you don't want to go to the hospital because you don't want them to tell you that your toes have to be put back on. Yeah. You get what I'm saying? Like what has happened has already happened. Your children are learning this is what love looks like. And this is what marriage looks like. And this is what fidelity and commitment looks like. Right.

No, I don't want that. Right. No, I don't want that. Right. I think another part is that I know that she's sick. She's unwell. Okay. What can you do about that? I can't do anything, but I do feel like if she was an alcoholic, then I would urge her to get help. You would, but if she continued to increasingly

make your home unsafe, you would have to make a hard decision about the safety of you and your kids. And now she's starting to go around your attempts to keep her safe and your family safe. Right. And she's looking you in the eye and saying, I'm doing this just

to blow your life up. I always look at these things on a trend line and you see how this is just escalating and escalating. Yeah. And so at this point, you, I agree with you. She is struggling. No question about it. She does not like the skin she lives inside.

She doesn't like the home she lives inside. She doesn't like the home she lives inside. And for some reason, she doesn't understand that she has the power to change all of it. The hard part is she's not on the phone with me and you need to internalize you cannot change this for her.

Correct. And so at some point, you have to keep you and your kids safe. That doesn't mean you have to file for divorce. I'm just telling you the marriage that some point you have to keep you and your kids safe that doesn't mean you have to file for divorce I'm just telling you the marriage that you think you have does not exist what does it mean if it's not divorce it might mean an extended separation

it might mean a complete and utter division of your finances to keep your your fiscal health safe. Right. It might mean a legal separation for a season if she says, no, I actually want to go get well and get help. But if she says, look, Daniel, I don't have any interest in going to rehab.

I don't have any interest in going to see a mental health counselor. I don't have any interest in that. rehab. I don't have any interest in going to see a mental health counselor. I don't have any interest in that. You're controlling. You're a jerk. I'm going to live my life in my house the way I want to. That's basically what she's doing. Okay. Then you have to live in that reality.

So when you say be crystal clear with her, and if she says, well, I'll do that later, you know, I'll get help later. I just can't do it right now. Okay. For a million and one excuses. Behavior is a language. What is she telling you? I don't care what you just said.

Yeah. I don't care what you need in your home. I don't care what you think is safe. I don't care what you think is good for our kids. I don't care. you need in your home. I don't care what you think is safe. I don't care what you think is good for our kids. I don't care. This is about me. Wow. And I can't, dude, there's few things in the world I hate more than telling somebody,

like just reflecting back what you're sharing with me. Right. And for some reason, like you, have you done the best you could to become the man that you, you go to bed at night believing I'm doing the best I can to love and honor my wife? Yeah, I have. You go to bed at night believing I'm doing the best I can to love and honor my kids. Yeah. I do believe it's starting to like, um, I'm kind of losing myself in it. Yes, you are. Because here's why you, you still can't get over the fact that somehow you think you've, there's one more thing you need to say. Right. There's one more thing I got to do.

I always think that there's just something I can say. This is not about you, Daniel. This isn't about you. It's about her. That's why giving her the option to go make some choices is just further punting this conflict down the road. Will having the conversation with your kids be a nightmare? There's no question about it. None. It will be terrible.

And if you continue to be a person of integrity on the back end, over time, there will be peace in their nervous system when they think about their dad. There will be peace. And, dude, divorce is chaos and it's hell, especially when somebody intentionally decides I'm going to blow your world up, which is what it sounds like she's doing.

So I don't ever tell somebody to go get divorced and I don't ever tell anybody to break up a family lightly. But what I will do is shine a light and say your family is already broken up. You have one of the co-partners of this marriage actively trying to destroy it. And at some point you have to say, okay, I've got to protect me and my children.

Whether it's physical violence, whether it's emotional violence, whether it is sexual and financial infidelity, whatever it may be. I would sit down with the counselor and I'd probably go talk to an attorney and ask, okay, what does this look like in the state I live in? And I would sit down with the counselor and I'd probably go talk to an attorney and ask, okay, what does this look like in the state I live in?

And I would sit down with my wife and say, here's what happens next. Here's very specific what this world needs to look like for the kids, for our marriage that you want to build. The marriage we had is over. Do you want to build something new? And if not, I need you to say that out loud so that we can begin to make different decisions.

I'm heartbroken, brother. Call me anytime, man. Call me anytime. Oh, she guys, the best, the best, the best. I hope she turns around and comes back and says, I'm so sorry. I'll be right back. All right. If you know me, you know that I wear basically the same thing every day. I'm either wearing a black t-shirt or a shirt from Poncho Outdoors, the best performance shirts for men on the planet. Ponchos are literally the only button-down shirts I wear because they're the only button-down shirts I even own. And that's because Poncho shirts are lightweight, breathable, comfortable, and incredibly durable. You can't destroy them, and I know that because

I've tried. Their shirts dry quickly, and they have slim and regular fits for different body types. Poncho shirts are flexible, so they move with you and not against you. And poncho has super soft denims and flannels ready for you because fall is coming fast. I love poncho shirts and I'm confident you will too. Head over to ponchooutdoors.com and try them out for yourselves. Enter code DELONI at checkout to get a free t-shirt or a hat with any purchase of a button-down shirt. That's ponchooutdoors.com. Use code DELONI. Hey, it's DELONI here, and I'm going to tell you about Merrick Health, the premier health optimization platform that exists in the universe. Their coaching and treatment plans meet you where you are to help you get where you'd like

to be. Merrick Health has two packages for blood work and coaching, and both can be paid for with an HSA. And if you've never done anything like this type of in-depth blood work and coaching, and both can be paid for with an HSA. And if you've never done anything like this type of in-depth blood work before, you can start with the Core Package. It's the one my wife is using. The Core Package offers extensive lab work, 84 carefully selected biomarkers like hormone testing for estrogen markers and testosterone, body composition, cardiovascular health, metabolic health, and more. And you get a thorough analysis and a video call review with AmeriHealth Coach. Or if you want to go all in like I do, you can have the all in package. It includes everything in the core package, plus some top end specialized testing that

helps you and me dial in everything exactly as we want it. Listen, it's time for both of us to choose reality. And that means it's time for us to step up and take personal responsibility of our health. Head to MerrickHealth.com slash Deloney or use code Deloney at checkout to get a 10% discount on the core package or the all-in package. That's Merrick, M-A-R-R-E-K, health.com. All right, let's go out to Chicago and talk to Arlene. Hey, Arlene, what's going on? Hi, John. What's up? So I'm calling today. So I am a police officer. My husband's a police officer, so we have a 16-month-old little boy. Oh, man. That's a lot of chaos and a lot of chaos on top of some chaos, man.

Yes. So, and I work... What shift do you work? I work, thankfully, I work day shift. Good for you. I work 6 a.m. to 6 p.m. Y'all work 412s? We kind of. The easiest way to explain our schedule is 60-hour work week and 20-hour work week, and it flip-flops.

So the one week I only have off Wednesdays, Thursdays, and the other week I only work Wednesdays, Thursdays. So my 60-hour work week is a lot. Yeah. That makes family planning really tough. Yes. What does husband work? What's his shift? His shift, uh, during, um, he, he is, he works on Monday through Friday. So he has the eight hour shift. Eight hour. How'd he get that shift? Whatever, that's another conversation. Okay. So I'm up for work around like 4 a.m. I leave for work around 5, and then I'm home around, lately it hasn't been to almost 7, because the town that I work for is extremely busy and chaotic.

So by the time I get home, I'm very much mentally drained and I, I'm trying to figure out a way to be able to give more energy to my husband and my son. But right now our communication between my, me and my husband are, are lacking I ask him to do simple things around the house, which, you know, it seems to be getting better, you know, like helping with our son. But then it just kind of feels like I'm the stay-at-home mom and I'm the working mom. And it's after coming home from work

and not having anything else to give, like I just feel like every time that, you know, I'm not being helped. I'm I'm it just feels like it's worse. And kind of a little back story is my mom was an alcoholic and I cut off contact with her. She's passed away. So I feel like I overdo a lot of things to kind of compensate to not turn out like her. Do you think you're going to? No. Okay.

I want you to let that go. Take your left hand right now. I want you to squeeze that go. Take your're not your mom. Okay. I don't want you bringing that story into your home. Yes. Obviously there's some new baby friction and there's two police officers trying to make differing schedules. That's, that's a tale as old as time.

By and large, is your husband a good man? Yes. Okay. Is your baby healthy? Yes. Okay. Is your baby healthy? Yes. Okay. Has that baby turned everything upside down in your home?

In a good way, yes. Well, it doesn't have to all be good. I love my two kids more than life itself, and they blew my whole house apart. Yes. Okay? Yes. So,

I'm going to say something that's not really politically correct and I'm at a point now where I'm more interested in solving problems okay Okay I want you to sit down with your husband and be crystal clear about what specifically needs

to be done and how and when I don't think your problem is one of about what specifically needs to be done and how and when. I don't think your problem is one of, let me just say it this way. You're working 60 hours doing an incredibly demanding job. You leave the house at 4 a.m. and you roll in at 7 p.m. You will have nothing left to give, period.

You need to let Arlene off the hook for that. And when you feel those pangs of, I miss my baby, I want to be home, I want to be doing other things, I want you to own, this is the life I've chosen for this season. Okay. And, does that resonate? Does that hit home? Yeah. Cause a lot of times I get home after being on the road and being this, this, and I'm tired and I'm worn out and nothing with like, I rode patrol, nothing like what you're doing. Zero things. Okay. But I get home and I'm just worn out. And then I see my daughter come downstairs and I'm mad that I didn't get to see her.

Or I'm mad that my house is moving on. It feels like without me, it's not, but it feels that way sometimes. And then I just start poking at everything. I want you to own, this is the job. This is the life I've chosen. And then on top of that, here's part two. And this is me just being as honest as I can. This is my story. This

is a story of countless men that I've talked to in this very same situation who have a newborn. I didn't know what I didn't know. And when I would try to Google stuff, it was so overwhelming. And there was so many thousands of opinions and articles. I didn't know what to do, where to start. I just knew that whenever I tried to do a thing like wash a bottle or warm something up or feet, whatever I did, I did it wrong. I remember the first time I changed diapers, I thought I'd crushed it and I put the diaper on sideways or something. I don't know. I just remember I was embarrassed because I was a grown man with a doctorate degree and I should know how to do this stuff and I didn't know how. I never babysat anybody. I've never been around kids.

Yeah. And so there was a lesson of it was very unsexy and it was very unflattering. It was uncomfortable for everybody. But my wife sat down and says, here's exactly what needs to happen and in what order. And once I got that, I loved it. And by the way, my 16 month old wanted nothing to do with me around bedtime. And he screamed and screamed and screamed. And I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to fix anything. I tried, I texted my friends and they couldn't help. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to fix anything. I tried. I texted my friends and they couldn't help. I didn't know what to do. And now I've come to learn it's just a season, but they don't want me. He didn't want me. He wanted his mom. Yeah. Right. And that was just an uncomfortable,

sucky part of that age bracket, that age time. My wife taught night classes. She taught graduate school at night. And so there was one, two nights a week and it was just me and him. And every night for a year and a half it was miserable. It just sucked. Yeah. And I as his dad have to keep showing up. And I have to keep showing up. So your husband's got to keep showing up. But also it was really helpful

when she told me how and what to do. Because I didn't know. I just knew I had this screaming baby that I love who hates me. And I didn't know what else to do. Okay. Is that fair? Yeah, that's fair. And again, you may tell me, I'm already doing this stuff.

Most of the time, somebody comes home at 7 o'clock. They're worn out. There's dishes in the sink. The baby's still up, right, or whatever. Yes. Or they're watching TV together, and dad thinks they're having the most amazing moments yes yes and you're just thinking oh god tomorrow morning's gonna be hell because this baby has to sleep and baby hasn't eaten yet or has eaten but the bottle like you're pumping and the bags are still in the whatever it looks like and so you say things like i need some more

help around here or i feel like i'm doing everything, or, and he's, your husband's thinking, what are you talking about? I didn't go do this. I didn't go do this. I turned down this and here I am and I'm doing this wrong. You see what I'm saying? Yes. Is that, is that ring a bell or am I out to lunch here? No, no, no. That's, that's very on point. Okay. This is going to sound like you are solving a problem that you did not cause. Okay. All I'm, all I'm interested now is let's just get to the solution here.

Let's don't go through what you should have known. Oh my gosh. And this is toxic masculine. Let's blow by all that. Okay. Here's what I think an awesome thing would be. If you sat with your husband and said, I'm recognizing that no one ever teaches young men how to handle babies.

And I also understand that I can turn this season into a failure factory. You don't feel like you're doing anything right. Would it be helpful if I just started listing out the things that would really be honoring and a blessing to me when I got home at 7 p.m. After working 12s. My gut tells me is he would just start crying. If male cops could actually cry, he would start crying. I know they can't physically. That's an

inside joke, but you think that would be helpful to him? Yes, I would. Okay. Now, let me ask you a harder question. Do you still like your job? I love my job. Okay. I want you to let you a harder question. Do you still like your job? I love my job. Okay.

I want you to let Arlene off the hook. Okay. Because you're beating up Arlene, aren't you? Yeah. Yeah. Because you love your job and you love your baby. And everywhere you go, someone's telling you you're doing it wrong. Yeah, I worked really hard. I knew when I was younger, the two things that I wanted,

I've always wanted to be a police officer, but I've always wanted to be a mom. And these are the two things. And I knew it was going to be hard. I just didn't know that, you know, I want to make sure that me and my husband are okay. And I knew that we've been trying and trying of different ways to communicate. It's just not working. And I don't want to keep feeling that feeling of resentment and anger and me being so exhausted. Yeah. 7 p.m. or 4 a.m. after a 12-hour shift is not a good time to, quote-unquote, work on your communication. Yeah.

It's the worst time. Yeah, when there's no brain cells left to give. Correct. And he knows that. And an 8-to-5 shift is no joke either right? now if he's working at a desk and you're working the beat there's got to be some friendly competition there

I get that but like both of y'all are zonked I would love love love love love love you guys to hire a college kid or a high schooler to come over on Saturday mornings and play with the baby for 2 or 3 hours and y'all go to breakfast every Saturday. Yeah.

Or y'all go to breakfast on Wednesday mornings and he can go in an hour late and I know he can do that. And that's when you work on your communication. How are you? How can I love you this week? What is one thing I can do in your life to just make your life so great right now? Is there some things that you're seeing me do with a little baby that bring you so much joy, and there are other things that I can do better? Yeah.

Can you imagine how great that would be over time? Yeah. Okay. Let's plan for it. The same way you, every day you go through your, your entire belt to make sure you have every radio and your taser and your firearm and all.

Let's be that intentional about setting aside time so that me and my husband, you and your husband can talk and y'all can plan. You can dream. You can check in because your whole life is different husband can talk. Y'all can plan, you can dream, you can check in. Because your whole life is different now. Yeah. And most people wake up,

you get pregnant, everybody cheers, and then you close your eyes and you wake up and the kid's 16 months old. Yeah. Is that cool? Yes.

Yes. Is there anything I can do to help you guys out? Y'all are my people. I love, I love what y'all are trying to figure out and pull off. No, I,

I, that's, it helped me a lot today. I mean, I, I just been, you know, I've,

I've asked him multiple times if he would go to counseling and he's been stubborn. And recently it was actually just yesterday. He said, okay, fine. I'll go to counseling. Here's what I've got for you. I'm, recently it was actually just yesterday. He said, okay, fine. I'll go to counseling. Here's what I've got for you.

I'm going to hook you up. I'm going to give you one of two things. Okay. Okay. If you and your husband can make it to Nashville for Valentine's weekend, I'm going to give y'all, um, uh,

a pass, a couple's pass to the money and marriage retreat that me and Rachel Cruz do on me. Okay. You'll have to get yourself here. It's an $800 ticket. You'll have to get yourself here and you'll have to get some hotel, but I'll hook you up with the marriage retreat for the whole weekend.

Okay. If you can't do that, on October 29th, Rachel Cruz and I are doing a virtual money and marriage event that you can do at your house. Okay. Okay. Talk about money, about figuring out travel and holiday nonsense and communication. And I'll give you that for free too. I'd love to see you guys in person and honor you two here in Nashville, but I know that can be a chore, but if y'all can get here, I'd love for you to be my guest. And if not, then I'm going to hook you up with the Money Marriage Date Night. Is that cool?

Yes, that would be greatly appreciated. All right. I got you. Hang on the line here, and we'll get your information. Taylor will get your info, and we'll get you hooked up, okay? And you can talk to him about travel and all that kind of stuff, and if it's in your budget to make it down here for Valentine's Day. And it's a blast.

Otherwise, you can just be there at your house. But y'all are in a hard season, and I want you to know you're not screwed up. You're not broken. It's just about resetting. We got a new marriage now. We got a new life now. And let's live in reality.

There is no more of me left to give. I gave it all to my community from 4 a.m. to 7 p.m. I got nothing left here. That's why we have partners. That's why we have community. So husband, here's what this could look like. Will you join me? And that never works at 7 p.m. or 8 p.m. or 9 p.m. That works on Wednesday mornings when y'all have a once a week breakfast. That works on Saturday mornings when there's a college kid watching your baby for a few hours and y'all go for a walk, you'll get coffee, go do something. For everybody listening, we've got a new Money in Marriage date night virtual event, October 29th. You can attend from the comfort of your couch.

It's a two-hour event. It's going to be some cool parts of our Money in Marriage getaway, including talks from Rachel Cruz and me about budgeting, goal setting, working through every season as a team, how to deal with the holidays and navigate with your family. There's going to be a lot of Q&A with me and Rachel. So don't miss this one-night refresh for connection and communications. $39. But after October 6th, it will go up and get silly expensive.

Just get it right now. Go to ramseaysolutions.com slash events, ramsaysolutions.com slash events. 40 bucks. It's 20 bucks each. Y'all can sit at home on the couch, put your feet up with the kids away and control alt delete some things. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Jelani from my friends at Helix, makers of the best mattresses in the universe. Listen, I've slept everywhere and on every type of mattress surface imaginable. You name it and I've tried it. And my sleep on the Helix mattress has been transformed. I'm achieving newer levels of deep, deep sleep. And I've said this often,

I'm going to keep saying it. Everyone in my family now sleeps on a Helix mattress. And my family, like all of you, is all different. Everybody's different. And because everyone sleeps differently, Helix has created a number of different mattress models to choose from, each designed for specific sleep positions and feel preferences. Side sleepers, stomach sleepers, back sleepers, everyone. Helix also has enhanced cooling features to keep you from roasting at night. And if your spine needs some extra TLC, they got you also. And Helix knows there's no better way to test out a new mattress than by sleeping on it in your own home. So Helix offers a hundred night trial. Plus all Helix mattresses come with either a 10 or 15 year

warranty. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to get online and take the Helix sleep quiz. You're going to find the perfect mattress for your sleep preference. And it's going to take less than two minutes. And here's the best part. Helix offers the Dr. John Deloney Show listeners 20% off all mattress orders. Go to helixsleep.com slash Deloney for 20% off. That's helixsleep.com slash Deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, let's go out to Savannah, Georgia and talk to Christina. What's up, Christina? Good morning, Dr. John. Good morning.

You sound like you just woke up. What's happening? No. No, I've been up. No, I have been up. All right, so what's up? I need help setting boundaries with my sister and the expectation of taking care of my niece and two nephews. Okay. Tell me about it. She was pregnant and had to move in with us because she was so high risk.

And because of being high risk, she was unable to pick up my niece because my niece was still a toddler and her husband was at work. So she moved in with us. Did her husband move in too? No, he stayed out where they were living. And my oldest nephew stayed with him. And then he randomly showed up on the door one day and said, I filed for divorce and I moved tomorrow to Michigan. Oh, man.

Yikes. Okay. It spinned all of our worlds up. But now it's going on like three and a half, four years.

Man. Okay. So your sister has lived with you for three and a half or four years plus how many kids? Two, three? Three. Three. Do you have your own kids? No. Okay.

Dating is not good these days. You're living by yourself? No, we live with my mom. So all of y'all live with your mother? Correct. Okay. So you're not married? No. Okay. All right. What do you do. How come? I have three rare genetic diseases and the main one I have to get weekly infusions for.

Is there no way to do any work from home, customer service-y kind of things you can do from a computer? If I was to, it's a good possibility that they would link my insurance and without my infusions, I would be extremely weak within the second month on the verge of being hospital bound. So you just feel like you're kind of in a trap? Correct. Okay. I'm sorry.

I'm looking back to going to school for something easy. Okay. I know if you're in the Savannah, Atlanta area, and I don't know how close they are, but I would sit down with a SSI specialist, not somebody who works for the government, but with a specialist. And there are attorneys who work specifically there that can help you navigate that,

that will give you better information than the internet will. And it would be worth your money to pay for one hour with somebody that will just walk you through your particular situation and what each individual trigger means. And when I say trigger, meaning if you get this job making this money, what do you gain or what do you lose? Okay.

There's a true and honest trap, and I've seen it time and time again, and it's just awful where you get penalized for working. The problem is, is that's where we're not designed to sit at home, right? And you felt this. Correct. And we're designed to have purpose and to do something, however big or small it may be, but work towards something, especially something that helping other people have good lives too. And when the system takes that purpose away from us, it makes our total life quality just tough, right? Yes. So I'm proud of you for going back to school.

Before you do that, I would suggest you sit with somebody and say, okay, here's the actual reality. Because there's just a lot of rumors out there. There's a lot of, I've shook my head. I couldn't believe it in some instances that the system was set up like it was. It was just, it was wild to me.

But the fact that you got your SSI benefits, I know how hard they already even get. They're just denied, denied, denied, denied, denied sometimes. And so I'm glad that, I mean, that tells me that you're actually working through some really significant challenges. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

So tell me, your sister, what is she asking you guys to do? We've, the three of us as a whole, all parent them in different ways. And we're working on that with our therapist. But even outside of that, if I take the kids outside and I come in, she expects me to give them a bath. And if I can't, then they can't go outside.

Yeah, that's completely unreasonable. They don't have three moms. They have one mom. Correct. But she still sends them to me asking me permission from something they've asked her already. So I feel like I'm my mom. Yeah, but that's the role you're taking on. So I know you called asking about boundaries.

You have to be very clear with your sister. I'm going to go back to my aunt job. And you are the parent. You're the mother. And so I'm not going to respond to those type of questions. And it can't be your responsibility to take the kids unless she is being neglectful or abusive. Correct. So where should I put myself at with helping, if any?

Does she work outside the home? No, she has epilepsy and has multiple seizures within a week. Okay. Well, that changes things. And I guess, is your mom helping too? She works full time. Gets up at 2 a.m. and doesn't get off until 1.33. Good gravy.

That's a tough, tough woman taking care of you guys. Does your sister have SSI too? No. She keeps getting denied. How does she eat? Is she getting alimony child support we are waiting on that we've been waiting on it for the last year year and a half yeah it's probably not going to come there's a lot of deadbeat losers out there that's for sure so again at some point she's gonna have to reckon with this is the life i have

and is there a way that i can do something online that i can work from home i can find some sort and again epilepsy is such a debilitating challenging um illness because it's all over the place and it's can be sporadic it can be very rare and it can be sounds like hers is is um very often um and it's tough to even get to the bottom of it sometimes but she's going to have to at some point figure out a way that she begins to reckon wrap her head around it does that make sense correct um because. Because here's the hard truth. Your mom is not going to always be there. I agree with you. And I've started to realize that more in the last six months after losing my father.

And I'm grateful for every day. But I know once she goes, I will know what I can do, but I don't know what she would do with her and the kids. Yeah. Have you and your sister, do y'all have a relationship where you can sit down and have this kind of hard conversation and say, okay, let's pretend mom passes away. What are you and I actually going to do? Because saying we can't do anything, it literally is not an option. And so let's start reverse engineering this and trying to figure out how we can nickel and dime our way to maybe it's you work six hours and then I work two hours and we figure something out because it may just be y'all two ride or die for a while.

Correct. And if she has, does she get laid up for 24 hours after a seizure or is she up and at them? It just depends on how bad it is. Most of the time, she lays down for a few hours, and then she's back up. Okay. Is she still seeing a neurologist? She actually goes back tomorrow.

She hasn't been back in two years, so they're refusing to give her her medication. Yeah, I can see that. Does she have something that tracks the seizures? Like an implant of some sort? Does she wear a tracking device? No. Okay. She may request one of those.

Again, if she doesn't have insurance, that might be very, very challenging. But here's what I'm trying to do. Let's if she doesn't have insurance, that might be very, very challenging. But here's what I'm trying to do. Let's get as much real information. Okay. And if you have a good enough relationship with your sister, that both of you who are struggling with some pretty debilitating illnesses can say, okay, there's going to come a day when it's just you and me.

And let's pretend that, well, we just can't is not an option. Now, there are disabilities and exceptionalities that they just are. And they rely on very special care and all sorts of community support. But in this situation, let's pretend that's not the case. What would we actually do? What could we do? And as a part of that conversation, basically y'all are dreaming about the future. A future that's both scary. Hopefully there is some optimism there because you've mentioned like, I think I'm gonna go back to school. I'm gonna figure out something. Like the light starting to come back on. And i love this i read this recently from nick cave um hope is not a neutral position right it's something you scratch and claw and go get

so this is the this is the cards we've been dealt what what can be true in this world and then here's the second part i want you and your sister to begin to imagine a world where okay cool we're going to co-parent these kids. When you're laid up, here's what we're going to do, but here's how we have to navigate this. And I want you to be honest about the challenges that you have. Okay. Is that fair? Because my guess is she says, well, the kids can't go outside then. You get frustrated.

You take them out, and then you go ahead and do the bath. And there's those core conversations that are never fully had, or they're had when one of y'all is really mad. Yes. Instead of, all right, let's get away, and we're going to have a, you and me, sister, we're going to have a planning retreat

just for a few hours. We're going to go, breakfast can get expensive. So we're just going to go to a local park or to a coffee shop and get one cup of coffee each. And we're going to sit and we're going to just, we're going to map out what might be. And my hope is y'all could make some sisterly commitments to each other. Like, Hey, we're in this thing together for the time being. And the cavalry doesn't appear that it's coming.

Child support doesn't look like it's coming. We can keep suing him and keep calling and keep whatever, but it's not coming. Our health isn't just going to suddenly get better. So what can be true? Let's see if we can figure that out. And maybe the realization is we can't do this on our own. We're going to have to start researching care and what that might look like

and on and on and on. But I think both of you could be well served with some great information. So look up a local SSI attorney in your area and say, call and say, I need to hire you for one hour

to talk through some of these. I need to get some facts, some truth about what is true and what is not true when it comes to insurance and care and benefits and work and purpose and all of those things all mushed together. And that way y'all can start making some decisions based on data. But when it comes to boundaries, here's the two important things. I want you to spend time listing out what you can,

cannot and will not do. That's number one. Number two is finding a time when that conversation can be had where you can actually be heard. And in the middle of an argument, when you're mad, when there's kids running around screaming is not the time for that. So let's set aside some time and let's actually go over. Here's what I need. Here's what must be true. And if you start working from home, even a few hours, then you're going to need some quiet

time. You won't be able to parent the kids. She's going to need to step up and be the parent of her kids and vice versa. When she's having a seizure and she's laid out and you've committed to that, then cool. Here's what will be true then. But let's sit down and let's map this stuff out. Let's get it written down on paper. And then let's get a special time that we have this conversation. I wish you guys the best, Christina. Thanks for your call. Man, y'all going through it. Y'all are going through it.

Hope is not neutral. Let's scratch and claw and find some path in the darkness out of here. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though, is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love

Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways

you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour And you can listen where it works for your schedule You can choose your guide your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning,

prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself and sometimes you do this with a group and hallow helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet Earth, Halo, right now.

And listen, viewers and listeners of this show, get three free months when you go to halo.com slash deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to halo.com slash deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, we're back. Kelly, something cool happened. What is it?

Yes. All right. So this one's a little heavier than some of our cool crap that happens. Excellent. Just bear with me. This is from Nathan in New Zealand. And not this Nathan. He's here. That Nathan's in America. He's here. All right. I just wanted to say a big thank you to you and the team. It's because of your show that I was finally able to speak out about an incident that happened in my early childhood. When I was four years old, I had an inappropriate interaction with an older member from my family, and he'd never told anybody. I'm going to leave all the details out. They're not necessary.

A year ago, I finally worked up the courage to speak about this to my wife, who was disturbed by the story, but very helpful in helping me process what happened and what I felt. I've always known of your show, but recently started listening more regularly and heard some amazing stories of people who stood up for themselves, finally worked through the courage to speak out about previous trauma. Yesterday, I was driving to work and listening to the show and hearing someone talk about childhood sexual trauma, and I thought to myself, enough is enough. If these people can tell their story in front of millions of people, maybe I can speak out. I paused the show. Don't worry, I came back and finished it later, and I called my mom to tell her everything was wrong,

everything that was wrong. She has been very loving and very supportive. And then I finally worked up the courage to tell my dad, he is directly related to the offender and he has poured out love as well. I finally feel lighter. I've been carrying this brick in my backpack for years. It's though listening to the stories of your brave callers inspired me to speak out. I'm sure I'm on a path from healing from here on out.

That's amazing. So shout out to all of the brave callers who call in from all over the world and just let their stories be told. And what was his name? Nathan. Nathan. Good job, Nathan. I'm proud of you. And I love that enough is enough. Enough is enough. I'm not going to carry this anymore. And I'm glad that your mom and dad were a safe place for you to call. And it's amazing that you made that phone call and lived in that tension. And awesome. It's the first wobbly step to a new lighter future where you get to decide what happens next.

You get to choose what happens next. Amazing, Nathan. So cool. Thanks for sharing that. Everybody, I know it sounds trite, but you get to choose. What are you going to carry?

What are you going to sit down? And most importantly, what are you going to do next? I love you guys. I'm glad y'all are here. See you soon.