The Dr. John Delony Show - My Wife’s Sex Drive Intimidates Me

Episode Date: March 27, 2026

🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app.   On today’s episode, we hear about:    - A new husband overwhelmed by his wife’s sex drive - A man whose wife doesn’t think he makes enough money - A husband trying to relate to his introvert wife Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch    Connect With Our Sponsors:    ·       Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy, and focus start tonight. ·       Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. ·       Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   ·       Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  ·       Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. ·       Visit Helix Sleep for special offers. ·       Working knives for working people—Go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! ·       Explore Poncho Outdoors! ·       Head to Shady Rays and use code DELONY for 40% off two or more polarized sunglasses.  ·       Get 25% off your order at Thorne.   ·       Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today.   Explore More From Ramsey Network:   🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I recently got married. I'm under two months. It's all great. Everything's great. But it is an adjustment. I am her first, but she is not mine. Her sex drive is through the roof, which is great, but I'm not always on. I'm trying to think of a way I could say this and not sound like such a nerd. Hey, hey, hey, hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Real person taking calls from real people.

going through real stuff in their lives from all over the world calling in here. I'm in Nashville, Tennessee, and here's what we're going to do. We're going to pull up a seat and figure out what's the next right move. With your marriage, with your relationships, with your sex life, with your dating, whatever you got going on in your life. You want to be on this show? Go to john doloney.com slash ask ASK. Let's go out to the 512. Let's go out to Austin and talk to William.

Hey, William, what's up, brother? Hey, can you hear me, Doc? Yeah, what's up, dude? Not much. just had a question for you. So I recently got married. I'm under two months. We're both in our early 40s.

First marriage? First marriage for both of us, yes. Dude, congrats, man. Thank you. I appreciate it. Actually, you haven't asked your question yet. I hope this is a congrats. No, no, it's all great.

Everything's great. But it is an adjustment for both of us. Yeah. Every bit of your life as you knew it is over now. Absolutely. But in a good way. Yeah. But there is a question that I had.

So I am her first, but she is not mine. Okay. You know, unfortunately, just... Talking about sexually? Correct. Yes, sir. All right. And since then, her sex drive is through the roof, which is great.

But it's like, you know, I'm not always on at every moment. I don't know how to like make sure I'm meeting her needs when it's like, man, I just, you know, got home from work and I just want to kind of, you know, chill out for a little bit. Or, hey, I'm not, you know, in the mood just because it's been a long day or anything like that. Is there, am I, is that weird, wrong, you know? I mean, no. Every guy listening is banging their dashboard right now. But no, no, no. Like, so, dude, there's, there's so many myths around sex and especially myths around married sex, okay?

And one of the big ones is, guys want it all the time, women never want it. And there is a psychological disorientation when you find out that's not true. Yeah. And everybody's got different sex needs. The sex drive is a myth. I don't like that. Emily Nagoski did a great job kind of pulling that apart. I'm trying to think of a way I could say this

and not sound like such a nerd. There's nerd words for it, but basically some people have responsive sex drives, meaning they don't think about it all day. But when the ball gets

rolling, when they head down that path, right? They're always glad that they're had sex. They're glad that they're having sex. They're in a safe relationship, right? Yeah. And there's never been a time that they finished having sex and they're like, or maybe never, but most of the time they don't finish and be like,

I wish I hadn't had done that. But they weren't thinking about it all day 24-7, 365. Right? Yeah. They're reactive. They have responsive desire. another kind of desire is more I'm trying to think of like a not nerd word

like it's activated right you could like see a corner a tiny little piece of a bra strap and you're like yeah I would right right now right now right or you have one thought or one memory or one and it is right now grandma's house don't care we're at a restaurant let's go out in the car

I don't care like and it's just always on And I'm overgeneralizing this, but those two people tend to find each other, right? And our culture has told us that one is right and one is wrong. And that's nonsense. Okay. So I think what you're experiencing right now is, and I'm glad y'all are experiencing this two months in, is we need to talk about these things. And often couples don't have, there's nothing in our culture that,

teaches us how to talk about less about what meeting our needs because I think needs can get really dramatic really fast. But how do we talk about what we want and how do we talk about what feels good? And how do we talk about, hey, how do I say not right now or not tonight and it not spin you up, right? Absolutely. Because it's like I don't want to crush, you know, her desire by any means, but it's like, I also, I don't want to just be like rabbits. I want it to be, you know, impactful and meaningful when we do have it. But I do want the ones where it's just like, hey, I'm in the mood right now.

Yeah, and I think it's taking the existential pressure off. Because there's a time and a place for romantic lovemaking. And there's a time and a place for, hey, I got seven minutes, you got seven minutes. You got seven minutes you in? Right? And then there's a time. If you're in a safe and, and this is controversial,

and I'm really glad you called, nothing else in our culture, nothing. Do we say, I don't feel like, like, so take nutrition. I don't feel like eating healthy. Okay.

I don't feel like exercising. Okay. I don't feel like sleeping regularly. Okay, I don't feel like going to work. All those examples, right? Name any other thing. I don't feel like paying my bills. I don't feel like paying taxes.

None of those things would we say, you know what, your feelings should lead the show here. And so there is a time and a place, and I have to be careful about this, because idiots will weaponize this. There is a time and a place for, I don't feel like it right this moment, but I know when I get going,

I'm going to be glad we're doing this. And so sometimes it's about being generous and being kind. And I don't feel like it super much, but you're super into it. And I love making you. happy so let's party. Right? And then sometimes there is not tonight.

And so have you all, like this sounds so dramatic and I'm saying this with a smile on my face, right? And by the way, I just got done with a big marriage retreat. There was 1,200 people up here from all over the country, actually all over the world here in Nashville. And I realized when I was speaking from stage, people can see me in my body and they realized that I laugh a lot. And I know this.

So when I say, like, you need to have this conversation, somehow it comes across on the show, it's all my fault, but every conversation is this big serious thing, right? So I'm not suggesting, I'm not suggesting that at all. But two weeks in, you're her first, y'all have never been married before,

how fun would it be and insightful would it be to have a sex state of the union? Okay. Right? And I'm imagining as being fun. All right, you're a few weeks in, I'm a few weeks in. What do you like? What do you not like? What are you into? What do you want to try? Oh, yeah. Yeah. We've had healthy conversations on it. It's just a matter of like... What is it about her response that makes you feel like you're dashing, you're crushing her?

It's not necessarily like her response. It's... You know, it's just kind of like, she'll just, you know, be real, like, always giving me the, you know, the sexy eyes or, you know, trying to touch me in a way that it's not necessarily just saying, like, hey, I want to have sex. It could just be, hey, I want to cuddle. And, you know, and it's like, I'm already, like, in, you know, going to bed mode, you know, or, you know, it's just our timing just being feeling off. and can I tell you you're not broken and she's not either your relationship's not doomed this is a normal part of joining lives with somebody and just navigating the ride of figuring out each other's rhythms and schedules and things and all that I know couples who say who have said like if it's going to happen it's got to start before nine and I know couples who have said let's put it on the calendar so that I can

think about it all day and make sure I'm not coming home with a head full of meetings and emails and whatever because I want to be all in on you. I know one couple right now that has sex on the calendar twice a week and one is wheels off and one is they call it BMS, boring married sex. Right? But they put it on the calendar. Yeah. And if they're starting boring married sex and it turns into wheels off, great.

but they know no candles, no special lighting, no exotic music, we're just going to get in there because it always feels good. We value connection. We know our marriage is, we like each other more over time when we're having more sex. And the situation with our lives right now, kids, jobs, whatever, is it's chaotic. So we prioritize this so much, we're going to put it on the calendar, which Hollywood has said means your relationship is doomed, it's over, etc. Yeah. But the most concerning thing you've told me is not that y'all have mismatched sexual appetites, that you'll have different types of desire.

Not that she's super, super, super, super into you two weeks into being married. The biggest one thing that is making me like tilt my head a little bit, and again, it's not a concern. It's just I want y'all to have this conversation earlier rather than later, which is, I'm going, I am finding myself making myself responsible for her emotional well-being, and I'm already starting to see the soil till up a little bit in resentment. Because some nights I'm so tired, I just want to go to bed.

And you get to do that. That's okay. That doesn't mean you're a bad husband. Yeah. But it's learning how to communicate that. I see where you're going there. It's just, and I think that that's it. It's just, you know, being able to have those open conversations.

to where you're not holding back, but you're not, you know, afraid to, like, step on their toes a little bit. Okay. Well, and also, there is a time and a place for, hey, I want to cuddle with you. Like, Nate Bargazzi's got a great bit about that. Like, his wife will come in at two of them, because he's a comic, he stays up late, and he'll, she'll come in and be like, I'm just going to lay by you on the couch till we both go to bed at 3 a.m. And he's like, I don't like that at all, right?

It's like sometimes I just want to be by myself, but also sometimes like cuddle your wife, right? Yeah. And sometimes I wouldn't be my first inclination to hold your hand. Oh, you want to hold hands? I'm in for that, right? Yeah. Where this gets abusive is when somebody takes advantage, you owe me. You have to.

You are responsible for me. And it doesn't sound like that's with you guys at all. No, it's never like that. It's just I think that we're both. you know, we both are really trying to be very sensitive to each other's needs to where it's like we're putting the other person first, which is great. But you don't want to lose yourself in that. Putting somebody else first is amazing, but only if you're anchored enough in your own well-being.

Correct. Right? Because then it becomes codependent real fast. Is there any possibility she is trying to, be the wife of your dreams? Oh, 100%. I know that that's what she wants because I know she's felt a lot of, you know, societal pressure.

I mean, being, you know, our age and, you know, never having been in a, you know, a sexual relationship. A sexual relationship. And then, you know, we both got married later in life. So we realize, you know, we're behind a perceived you know, societal fall. Screw all of that.

Nobody gets a vote. Nobody gets a vote. Correct. I'm 100% with you on that. I feel that. I do hear a lot, especially in faith communities. Cycing yourself up,

that's me being dramatic, but that wives will feel I'm going to force myself into this mindset because I want him to think I'm this type of wife, who's always down, who's always in the mood, who's, I don't ever want to be that wife that is always shunning my husband. Right.

And that, by the way, will get exhausting for her real fast, too. It can kind of go both ways because it's like I don't want her to feel like she always has to be on for me. Right. Or she just may like you a lot. And that's pretty awesome. And it sounds like you like her. It totally is. Yeah.

Yeah. But I don't, you know, it's, for me, it's more than just the sex. Yeah. the sex is great, you know, but I want to figure out, you know, the rest of it, you know. Okay, so here's a magic conversation to have, okay? Okay. And by the way, there's a conversation my wife and I have every single day of our lives. What is your picture of tonight look like?

That's it. We talk about that in the morning, and then I will either call or text on the way home, what your picture of tonight look like. And if she responds, with a certain, like, oh, I got this, I got this. Don't forget, kids have this. Josephine's got guitar, Hank Scott, cross-country, whatever. I already can project out and see, oh, our night's pretty packed.

If I want to do something after the kids are in bed, I'm going to say it then. Or I might write, hey, what's your picture of tonight look like? I'm wiped out. I'd love to watch a show with you and go to bed early. And then she goes, okay, great. The best way I can love him, love myself, love us as a couple, is to prep for that moment. You know what I'm saying? But it just, it just, it keeps it from being in this moment where now we both are reacting to the other person's perceived desire and now it's emotional,

it's heavy. It's what, man, talking about it before you actually get there is awesome. So you both know what you're walking into. And if you text her, what's your picture of tonight look like as you're walking out of the office? And she's like, I'm going to rip your clothes off the second you walk in the door. A, you at least know that's coming and you can prepare yourself like, all right, game on, brother. Or you can say, you can call her and say, that's the greatest text I've ever got ever. I'm super wiped out tonight. Is there any chance I could pick you up when go grab dinner somewhere and go to bed early? Right? Yeah, that totally makes a lot of sense. And it's a lot, like, when you first brought it up, honestly, like, I was sitting there thinking, you do this every night and I'm sitting here

thinking like how do you keep it from being mundane but it like just clears it up it makes it so much easier dude it and by the way there's times over the last 23 and a half years i've been married when it's like what's your picture of tonight look like by the way we didn't do this until we almost fell apart so but for years we've been doing this what's your pictures tonight look like it doesn't look like that at all once we're both in bed asleep right but the fact that we were like you said it's not about it becoming mundane, it's about it becoming intentional. And that's amazing. And in our modern crazy chaotic world, intentionality wins out every single time. And I will fight tooth and nail. It's a hill I will die on. That is, if you have to be intentional about intimacy, about sex, about romance, about making time and

space for each other, that means you value it. That means it's extra important. It doesn't mean your romance, your marriage is over. It means we are so intense. We're putting this on the table first, and then we're going to backfill our night. This is happening or not happening, and then everything else we're going to figure out. And I think that intentionality these days is a middle finger to a culture that says, just go with the flow, because then you're going to go with the flow or multiple, like you're going to go with the flow and drift farther and farther apart from each other. So, dude, congratulations on getting married, my brother.

And congratulations for navigating this. you're two weeks in. By the way, the smoke will clear on this. It's not going to be like this for the rest of your life. Just know that. But having these conversations, how can I love you today? What your picture tonight look like? Having a sexual state of the union. All right, we're two weeks in. All right. We're one month in. Man, that can change everything. Thanks for a call, homie. We come back. A man asks how he and his wife can break their cycle of money disagreements. I talk to people every day who are anxious and overwhelmed. And one of the things that that can send people straight into panic mode is identity theft. When your identity gets stolen,

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matters. Find support in therapy. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, help.com slash deloni. Los Angeles, California. Let's talk to Joseph. Hey, Joseph, what's up, man? Hey, Dr. John, how are you? I'm good. My brother, what's up with you? Hey, man, I'm good. Appreciate you having me on. For sure, man. What's up? Hey, calling for some advice and just kind of your thoughts on best next steps here. My wife and I can't seem to align kind of financially.

Money, you know, things that we need versus once in our life and so forth. So I'm just calling to kind of get some advice here, man. I appreciate the call. Almost in my experience, I've talked to thousands. Thousands of people about their marriages and their money, okay? Almost all the time, money misalignment is not the problem. It's reflective of value misalignment. Sure.

We're on different pages about how we want our life to look and go. Tell me about that in your house. 100%. So I always say I don't need much roof over our head, food on the table, right? We've got three young, three kids at home, 12, 9, and 7. So certainly in the thick of it there. And I, it's almost like, I think, I feel like you're exactly right, but I'm just having a hard time being able to really sit down and have an open conversation about that.

All right. So what makes you anxious about money? So just thinking about the future, right? We live in one of the most expensive parts of the world, which, big factor, right? but just aligning on, you know, what kind of cars do we need versus want, right? We obviously, we're renting a home right now. Obviously, I want to buy a house, but buying a house in Southern California isn't the big investment, right? You've got to have a lot of cash down payment, you know, and all that good stuff.

So already out of the gate, you've given me two proxy wars. you haven't given me the value, which is, because here's what's going to happen. You're going to say, dude, we don't need that car. And she's going to say, yes, we do. We have three kids. I need this car that's this big, that's this safe. And you're going to say, no, we don't.

We can do this one. And what you're really fighting out is, I don't feel safe when we owe people money. Sure. I don't feel safe when I'm driving a car that might break down at any moment. we can solve that problem together because we both care deeply

about each other's safety. And often when you have three kids and everybody's working hard and the house is bustling and moving and going, there's also this nagging sense that this life that I wanted so bad that I worked so hard for

that I prayed for even if you're a person of faith. Like I got exactly what I want. It doesn't feel like I thought it would feel. And so then we both peel off and go our own directions trying to capture feelings. I'm going to buy a new car. I'm going to buy new clothes.

to make sure my kids have these shoes and this haircut. Or I'm going to not spend anything. And I'm going to always be looking at homes, even though I can't afford them. And I'm going to always be worrying about the stock market. I'm going to worry about crypto. I'm going to worry about all the stuff that I can't even, that just isn't even real, right? Right. And you end up, you've heard me say this a million times.

You end up six inches apart from each other on the couch, but you're 6,000 miles away from each other. Yeah, and that's what it's starting to feel like for sure. And so there's something, like whenever a couple's having money disagreements like this, I always think it's an amazing moment to clear the deck and to literally go back to square one and say, hey, we accidentally, without meaning to, have cycled through like four different marriages in the past 10 years. And let's call it out and let's get away for half a day and clear the deck and say, what kind of world do we want to co-create together? Yeah, we try to have conversations open like that, but I feel like the walls are up, definitely with some resentment, you know? With you or with her? Well, a little bit of both now, I would say. Okay, tell me about that.

So this all steps back. Excuse me. So took a job in 2015. I was one of the first employees at a tech company, nationwide tech company. and obviously being the first employee, you know, there's a little sweat equity that you put in, right? A little, a lot, yeah.

A lot of sweat equity. So 10 years later, I've got some good equity in the company. I feel like I personally, I feel like I make a good salary and I'm taking care of. Obviously, not as well as I would like, right? But everybody wants to make more money. And when I took the job,

I did not consult with my wife. So I know what that was on. And we've worked through that and talked through that. I've apologized and have done a lot of work on myself over the last 10 years. I'm being open and communicating and it's us, right? And now that where we're at now, where, you know, finances are really tight. All the kids are in school, you know, full time, first, third, and seventh grade. Like, hey, babe, you know, kids are in school full time.

You know, thank God she was fortunate she was able to stay at home with them when they're younger, which is really important to us for her to raise our babies. And now that it's like kids are in school full time, hey, you know, I'm working. I started a little side hustle to make some extra money. I'm like, what do you think you can do, you know, to help out on the income side with the family, you know, and, you know, sometimes it's, well, you're the man, you need to be able to provide. You need to look at another job. You need to make making more money is a solution.

I'm like, I don't think it's not the solution. Like, there's bigger issues that we need to get to the bottom to resolve so we can move forward. It's like you get more money, more money, more problems, right? Sometimes you get more money, more margin. But I'm hearing you even ask that question to her and how I would hear that question is, all right, now that you're done playing with the kids all day, you're going to actually do something to contribute. Okay. Right.

And now, in a no way in the world. is that what you're saying? Right. But when you come at it as I chose this job, one that I found out, A, I did it behind your back and B, you didn't want me to take it anyway. And you feel like you've made a decade worth of sacrifices and we've scratched and clawed to get here. When your last kid went to school, I can imagine her saying, finally. Ah. And you are also thinking, finally.

right but your finlies are the same word but they're two totally different pictures right what is it about your salary that she doesn't think is enough well just covering the the needs and wants for our family so with cars and you know rent and just just everything so basically we're living paycheck to paycheck right how much how much do you make a year uh i made 210,000 dollars last year. And that's not enough? And that's the battle with me is I'm like, it's not about the money. But hold on, that's a lot of money.

Even in the most expensive part of the country, that's a good salary. Sure. And it's, my job is very flexible. I can, you know, I can be dad. I coach baseball, you know, I'm involved in my kid's life. And it's like. Yeah, but that's not, again, you're talking about salary. She's talking about I'm not happy in my life.

Right. that y'all need to get to that sure right i've been trying i know have you said hey i love you enough to ask you a hard question i don't feel like you're happy with me i don't feel like you're happy with our life and you know the conversations get heated you know how much you all owe uh so we are oh we probably have over almost 200 grand in debt oh god well i take back everything i just said What are you borrowing money on, man? So credit cards, cars, we got a couple cars, you know, it's, uh... So y'all are, you make an incredible salary and y'all are broke.

Yes. Okay, so... We talk about vacations and I'm just like, in my head, I'm like, what vacations, like, how, you know? Okay, so neither of y'all are living in reality. So I'm going to change this from a... This would be a great time to get away for a half-day conversation, and this is a, your house is on fire conversation. Because either you or her or the combination of both of you are spinning y'all into a big, bad mess.

Because you're one phone call, one email, one Friday afternoon at four o'clock meeting away from this whole house of cards coming down on you. Yep. She needs to hear that. Spons has been, you know, you just need to make more money. Okay. And that's what. That is a response not based in reality. Right.

And I know this because I was just, I just had a conversation with a couple who made like 70 grand and he made 60 grand or something. And they paid for, they paid off a small house in Southern California, just the two of them, making less money than y'all. But they lived real tight for four or five years.

Because their goal was peace. Their goal wasn't, I just want whatever I want, whenever I want it. I'm asking this not I'm not trying to be mean at all I'm just I'm trying to get some data okay is she well

well and that's what I try to say you know you know how do we I try to approach that conversation and then you know it immediately gets escalated yeah I mean yeah she she is well but I just to your point about the reality side I'm like we need to live

in real life you know what I mean like like live on less you make like all of our grandmothers did. Right. And that's not a huge sacrifice for y'all. It will be for a couple of years because y'all dug yourself a crazy hole. For sure.

But, I mean, this is a matter. I mean, you're in a snapshot of history, man, where you make so much stinking money that y'all could be living in a pretty peaceful, amazing, wonderful life, kind of driving whatever y'all want or choosing not to and buying a house. not on Rodeo Drive, but buying a nice house, right? Like, or buying a livable house even. But there's just such a distance from reality. Yeah, we've got our kids in private Christian school as well.

You can't afford that. Right. And you all put yourself in a situation where we can't afford to uphold our own values. Right. Right? I just, that's the conversation. I feel like, I'm like, I feel like we're just, you're chasing something. Like, you're chasing the next thing.

She's chasing not being in her own skin, and that's the conversation that you have to have. Yeah. And really, you can't make that conversation happen. The only path you have ahead of you is to put all of your cards on the table, which is, I can't, in good conscience, as your husband, as the father of these three kids, continue to live divorced from reality. Right. We make an incredible salary.

And we are broke, broke, broke, and we're doing this to ourselves. Yep. And it might even be like you saying, I need you to stay present. I need this to not escalate. We have to come up with a real plan here. And you all put yourself in a position now where this plan is going to take some significant sacrifice for a few years. And by the way, your kids will not only be better for it, they'll be amazing for it. Watching a couple United say, hey, we're not doing vacations, y'all are going to have to make do with this.

You get one new pair of shoes instead of four or whatever. We're not going to every Lakers game or whatever. Like, them go, oh, that stinks, dad. All that is good because they get to watch their mom and dad unite and do something amazing and set their family free. Right. You know what I mean? 100%. But it might also be you putting it on the table.

Honey, I'm so serious about this, I'll quit this job and we can move. I just can't live like this anymore. You're 100% leveraged with no assets. In fact, part of what you're leveraged on is depreciating assets. The car payment stays the same and those cars lose value every day. Yeah. And so I'll tell you you're an incredibly fragile financial position, even though you make a bunch of money. Yeah.

And so putting that fear on the table and saying, I'm scared to death and I can't. We can't keep going like this. Right. You've heard me say this a million times on the show. Somebody has to, and I'm calling on you, brother, turn the lights on, turn the music off and stop the dance. I'm going to give you every dollar, which I think it's the budgeting app my wife and I use, right? And I'll give it to you for a year, the premium one.

So you can have a tool, right? I'll give you financial peace university. I work here at Ramsey Solutions, and that's their flagship product. I'll send it to you. She probably won't watch the videos with you, but I'll at least send it to you. You know, it's funny is we did financial peace probably 11, 12 years ago. Okay. Yeah.

So what if you sat down and said, I as the guy who makes the money in the house, I've let us down. Just take it all. Own it all, even though it's not yours. Like as Jocko says, extreme ownership, I'll take it all. Right. I've let us get into a situation. I went and bought a stupid car that I couldn't afford. I've spent this.

I've spent this. And I haven't said how dire our situation. actually is. We're 100% leveraged. Right. Are you in? will you join me and having peace in this house? And here's the thing, brother, she might look at you and say no.

And if you're worried about this conversation revealing the state of your relationship, I want you to know it's already been revealed. What you're looking at now is not trying to avoid an explosion. It's exploded. What you're trying to do is to come up with an architectural design

to rebuild this thing. Sure. But this isn't the, there will come a time and we've got to sit down in front of an Excel sheet and sit down in front of the every dollar app in front of the budget.

This isn't this conversation. This is, honey, I'm scared to death and I have to stop the train. Yeah. Fair? 100%. I'll walk with you any way I can, brother. And if she wants to call, if y'all both want to call me back to how to navigate this, I'm with you, okay?

I appreciate it. Thanks so much. Yeah, man, hang on the line. We'll get you hooked up with these free tools. All right. Thanks for call, my man. All right. Thanks. Kelly, this is family after family after family after family after family after family.

I know. We see it all the time. This sounds crazy. what I'm about to say, but if a couple sits down and says, we're 200 grand in debt, or I just found out that my husband, fill in the blank, I'm more worried about this other couple than I am about the person who, the couple that experienced infidelity if they want to work on it. Oh, I agree with that. Because it's so illuminating on how disconnected from reality we are.

Man, that's tough, tough, tough. All right, when we come back, a man asks how to balance being an extrovert after recently marrying an introvert. We'll be right back. All right, spring is here, and we are heading into summer, and what does that mean in the Deloney House? Fishing season. And what does fishing season mean? The Montana Knife Company knives are still in full effect. Why? Because they're incredible. I love them. My family loves them. My friends who are outdoorsmen, they love them. Why? Because Montana Knife Company knives are made by real hunters, real fishermen, real ranchers, real men and women who go. And women who go,

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company, go to montanananife company.com and see what's available right now. That's montananinife company.com. All right, Columbus, Ohio. Let's talk to Adam. What's up, Adam? Hey, John. Thanks so much for taking my call and question today. I'm excited to be here slash a little nervous.

I'm not going to lie. Excellent, excellent. Well, you heard me trying to even introduce this call. We had like 15 takes on it that Kelly graciously edited out. So I'm nervous too, obviously. So glad you're here, brother. What's up? Awesome. So, you know, my wife and I recently got married and, you know, I feel like there's no perfect person out there, but there's the perfect person for you. And I feel like I found that person. But we have a personality difference. You know, she's very much an introvert. I'm very much an introvert. I'm very much an. extrovert and sometimes those things, you know, will clash. And so, you know, like, for example, you know, there's times where I'll come home and, you know, I'm excited to see her. I'll see her in the house. I'll run up to her. Give her a big hug. And she's kind of got like that standoff, you know, kind of a feeling or vibe. And I'm like, well, this is like super weird and uncomfortable. And she's like, you know what, your energy is just too much right now. She's a nurse, you know,

during the day. And so she exhaust a lot of energy with her patients and coworkers, what have you. And, you know, sometimes at homes, it's just, it's hard to, you know, find that balance because of it. And so, like, I'm just trying to find, like, a good balance without changing who I am

to, like, accommodate her needs. Dude, I love this. That's an introvert. How old are you guys? I'm 42, and she's 36. First marriage or second marriage? Second marriage. Second marriage.

Okay. Yeah. And for her, too? Her two, yes. Okay. All right, cool. So, A, I want to dispel a myth, okay? Introversion and extroversion, all that really is referring to is some people get energy from small, focus groups of people, some get energy from big groups of people.

It has nothing to do with bombing in the house, like, what's up? Which you probably can tell is how I usually enter the house. Yeah, yeah. And if I do that regularly, I will see my wife curled up in the ball. Like, ah, too much. So totally get this one. I can tell you I have a simple solution for this, but I want to make sure there's not something beneath this thing. How long have you all been married?

Oh, about two months. We've been together for about five years and, you know, just married for two months. Have you all been living together for five years? or are y'all still trying to like move in, like try to figure out how to do life together? Yeah, so we recently bought a house a few months ago together, but we, you know, had our separate places, but then like, you know, I, of course,

I would say the night over there, you know, maybe a handful of nights. So, you know, this is really like the first time, like full time where, you know, we're together, you know, we're together. Perfect. And, you know, yeah. Perfect.

So, and I hate to be reductive, okay? Uh-huh. But so much of this can be reduced to simply, how can I love you when I get home? Sure. And I wish it wasn't that way. Mm-hmm. But it's you asking ahead of time,

knowing what I'm walking into. Mm-hmm. And saying, I'm super excited to be home. I'm all fired up. And the best way I can love her right now is to walk in. and say, I'm so happy to see you, give her kiss on the forehead, and then burn some of that energy

putting your stuff away, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, you know, yeah. It also is, how can I love, if she'll ask back, how can I love you today? I had a pretty awesome day. I'm pretty fired up. Can we dance after dinner?

Can we go for a walk after dinner? Yeah, sure. How do you feel like a crazy sex night? Like, like it's you putting, It's not like you bury yourself, but often I have found in my own house and other in other conversations with couples like this, it's less about her not wanting to be with you or not wanting to go for a walk or dance. It is the, like she said, the emotional energy coming through that door is every defense says duck, move, hide. Sure. Right?

Uh-huh. But if she's got some time to prepare for it, sweet. Yeah, I love being with him. That's great. Yeah. Yeah, because, you know, I even jokes about, like, having this board at home, like, an emoji board. So when I come in, she would have like this, like, hey, let's figure out, like, your, I'm supposed to how you're feeling and, you know, put up the emoji. So I know when you're going to, when I come to that door, okay, you have that, like, you know, the red face.

So I know you're a little frustrated from work or you got a happy face. You're feeling good kind of a thing, you know, but, but I, I hear what you're saying. And I think that's, I think that's spot on. Well, it might also be, it might also be. be, I mean, I'll make this super personal. I've had to develop, hey, how can I love you when I get home? What your pictures tonight look like? Sometimes I'll call somebody and meet them for coffee and burn some of that off. Sometimes I'll come straight home, change my clothes, and go work out. Yeah. Because I'm a lot sometimes. Right? And as much as I would like this,

the reality is she can't carry that. That's not her job. And at the same way, it's not your job to carry her. She's been a nurse all day. She's touched out. She had to tell a family that their kids real sick. You can't carry that either. So both of you need to have strategies for, how do I show up for my spouse,

show up for myself at home after whatever day we had? And that starts with just recognizing what kind of day I had, right? Which you can recognize when somebody says, how can I love you tonight? Yeah. Yeah. No, I think you're spot on. It's just sometimes I feel like it's hard.

It's one of those things that's like really hard to like remind myself when I come through the door. I know. And obviously it's not every day, but it's like it's hard to like when you get excited to see that person, you know, but it's like at the same time. I don't want to take what could be a great evening to allow the evening because, you know, my excitement at the beginning kind of set the tone for the rest of the night. Well, but also here's the thing. You also get to choose whether her saying, whoa, you're a lot right now. Uh-huh. Is that her rejecting you?

And now you've got to go through your whole rejection protocol. Or is that her saying, here's how you can love me right now? Yeah. Because the whole night doesn't have to be ruined if she puts up her hand and goes, whoa, so much. Can we just hug? Sure. Yeah. And you hug, it doesn't have to be, she doesn't love me, she never does this, she always

Right. It can, like, and go down your whole, nobody loves me, it's going to end up just like my first marriage. And you know what I'm talking about, right? It just, it's a roller coaster that just goes, you don't have to be on that roller coaster. Mm-hmm. I mean, do you feel like she, she deals with anxiety, and I feel like she's done a great job managing it, but, you know, it surfaces from time to time.

And, you know, I mean, do you feel like that could be part of it as well? I mean, of course. I'll send, I'm going to send you all two things. I'm going to send you, I'll send you a copy of building a non-anxious life, which is a book I wrote. And y'all could read it together as kind of a guide for, how do we want to build a house that is peace-centric? Uh-huh. Right? And I've done first responder jobs, and I get being at home.

And also, I'm a lot. But dude, when I'm a lot and I've been through a lot, dude, I can be tough to be around. Yeah. Right. And so, yeah. It'll give you some tools, both of you all, how to, A, ask for the home y'all want to co-create together, and B, give you some tools on how to get there. But I'm also going to send you the Together app. I think this is perfect for y'all.

Oh, that's awesome. It's a daily challenge that each of you have that's a bid towards the other person. It's a micro habit for how do we build a better marriage together? And I'll send that to you for free for a year also. Oh, that's great. But here's the deal. I appreciate that. You all are newlyweds.

and I know y'all have been through this rodeo before but you've never been through this rodeo. Right. And so every weird, your body's got a GPS pin in the last fights you all had with your exes, your last, the breakups, your body's got GPS pins in there

and it's going to make every emotional challenge that you all experience, which is totally normal, it's going to make it feel outsized and bigger. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's definitely, it's definitely scary. Because, like, I know, like, for me, you know, personally, like, I feel like, you know, I don't want to screw this up again or I don't want to, you know, I want to be, you know, I was young, you know, I was 23 when I first got married.

Yeah. And, you know, and I was super young. And now I'm like, you know, I'm ready to, you know, I don't think it more seriously, but just be more self-aware of certain things. Perfect. You know what I mean? Asking, how can I love you when I get home? Yeah. Or what's your picture?

picture of tonight look like those two questions my wife and I ask every day of our lives and it's her being able to say I had a crazy one today and you know sweet I'm going to swing by and grab flowers yeah and I'm going to listen to old punk rock music and get all that and I'm going to sing top of my lungs so that when I walk in the door I'm present because I want to love her well yeah and And you can't do that every single time. Sometimes there's got to be given take, right? She's got to be able to say, how can I love you today? And you'd be like, dude, today was crazy.

And she's got to be able to say, cool, I've got 45 minutes to gear up. Yeah. Right? Or to have the courage to say, hey, today's just a bad day for that. And you go, cool, not going to, not going to go to rejection, not going to, I'm failing as a husband again, but to be able to go sweet. Now I get to love her well in this new context. Right.

And bro, that just takes practice. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Practice. You're not a bad guy. It's like we make it a character and moral issue so fast. It's just practice, right? Practice. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, in the times where, you know, I do feel like, you know, I am too much.

I can tell it, like, totally pissed her off. And, you know, of course, I feel guilty. I mean, what's a good way to just respond and be like, and own up to it and just be like, man, I'm sorry for my energy or, you know, I mean, what's a good way to, to handle that. So, like, she understands, like, I'm genuine, you know, totally self-reflected. I'm like, I realize I just screwed up and, you know, I'm sorry kind of a thing.

Super, super simple. You can me tell you? By the way, super simple but hard to do. Okay. All right. This is from my buddy Jefferson Fisher taught me this. Number one, if you say something that's too much, simply say, can I try that again?

Yeah. Can I say that in a different way? Literally that simple. Okay. And say, instead of walking in the door being like, what? Like finishing the rap lyric you were just singing in the car and yelling like, What's up? Hey, can I do that again?

Hey, I'm happy to see you. It's good. And y'all both laugh and she'll drop her shoulders and then y'all can hug. Yeah. The second is, and I've done this to my own house, I've literally, and it's been a, it's, I'm joking when I do this, right? We're laughing, but, and she might not be like. laughing, but I am.

Hey, I'm going to go back to the car and start my entrance over again. Hang on. And I'll literally walk back out, close the little entryway door between my garage and my house and open it back up and say, honey, I'm home. I'm happy to see you. Right? And she'll throw something at me and we'll laugh or whatever. But it's just a way of saying, I just caught myself.

I'm going to run this one back. I like that. and what you'll do, if you do it a couple of times, if she's on the same team as you, she'll catch herself. When you come home joyful, and she's like, just stop for a second. She'll be like, hey, can I do that one again?

Right? Yeah. Yeah. And here's a deal. You all are shooting free throws for the first time. You're practicing. You're not bad people.

Sure. You're taking another run at the most important relationship of your life as middle-aged adults, right? Yeah. Give yourself some grace, give her some grace, and give y'all some grace. Yeah. It's awesome.

The fact that you're making this call tells me you're on the right track. I think that's amazing. And if you see her anxious, if you see her struggling with anxiety, asking how can I love you right now, you might get met with, I don't know. But if you all have had that, hey, what do we want our house to feel like conversation? You'll have a bank of things you can do. All right, cool. I'm going to go get the laundry started. even though you all have agreed in this season

she does the laundry and you do the dishes or whatever. I'm going to go ahead and knock that out. I'm going to walk in every morning and I'm going to grab her a cup of coffee just for her. I'm going to set the tone early. Even if I have to get up five minutes earlier than I normally do, go make the coffee, bring her coffee in the way she likes it. I'm going to set the tone as early as possible.

I'm super happy that we're together. And then sometimes it says nuts and bolts as, all right, I get on a lot. but I want you to say hi. That's just human decency. And she'll go, you're right. Sorry, you're right. I'll say hi.

But if you're screaming and singing, that's too much. Got it. How can we both love each other? It's awesome. Hand on the line, brother. I'll hook you up with these tools. I think you're on the right spot. And if she ever wants to call the show, I'd love to talk to her, man.

That'd be awesome. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? It's Deloni. We are in the last week of Lent right now. And whether you grew up with that tradition or you're just trying to get your head and your heart back on straight this season, there's something I want you to check out.

It's called Hallow. It's the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world, and honestly, it's become one of my most important go-toes for my morning routine. Anchoring my day and prayer helps me slow down and prioritize what matters to me most before the world takes me by the ear and drags me through it. Right now, we're in the middle of Hallow's Lent, Pray 40, challenge. And if you've given something up for Lent and you're barely hanging on, or if you want to learn what this whole Lent thing is all about, this challenge is for you. Hallow is loaded with daily reflections,

scripture, music, and special series to help you anchor your faith practice. And you can try HALU for free for three whole months only through my link. Go to hallow.com slash deloni and sign up for free today. That's HALO-W.com slash delon. for three months for free. All right, Kelly, what's up? All right, so I wanted to ask you another question about the Together app. Okay. I'll have you dive in a little bit.

One of the things it asks when you do your kind of intake questions about what stage of life you're in. So would you kind of go through those, why does it matter? And what are the differences of the stages of life? And when you answer that question, are you going to get? different tasks, the micro habits, that kind of thing. It's kind of like the show. Like somebody will call and say, hey, me and my spouse aren't on the same page with our sex life,

and I'll talk for 10 minutes. And then they'll be like, oh, we have four kids under five. And I'm like, just hang up and call back later, right? Like, of course, everything's screwed up in your sex life right now. And so, or it might be, hey, we're struggling with our finances. We took a call earlier. I make almost a quarter million dollars, but I'm almost a quarter million dollars in debt.

Or we're struggling with our finances. We make $20,000. a year and we don't have any water, right? So talking about the stage of life you're in, whether you're empty nesters, whether you have no kids, whether you have young kids, it sets the stage for the different exercises you're going to get because it's no, it doesn't make any sense for y'all to have a dream date together. If y'all are, don't have any, like y'all need to go get some work, right? So it's going to talk about how do we connect with over money. Or it's, it's real easy to be like, you all need to have a date

night. We have four kids under five, right? We have seven minutes to see each other every day. So it, yes, it will definitely direct those activities towards reconnection based on your stage of life. So yeah, it's just a way for this thing to continue to personalize itself. And it will work with you over time, which is awesome. He gets to know you better and better as you do it. So that's awesome. So great question, Kelly. Thank you. You and your good questions. Someone has to have some. Probably could have done without Such a deep V shirt. Nice when Russell Brand.

But whatever. Love you guys. Bye.