The Dr. John Delony Show - My Wife’s Stand-Up Dream Is Hurting Our Bank Account

Episode Date: December 19, 2025

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How can I tell my wife I'm struggling with financial pressures without discouraging her dream career? She's an entertainer, and in the last year long, she's had some pretty great success. Let me break in here. Just because of the nature of this show, what does entertainer mean? Uh... Morning, good afternoon, good night. This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee. So grateful you've joined us talking about your marriages, your dating life, your mental and emotional health. What's going on with men and with women in this country? All the chaos and division and all the nonsense. And yet we also have to go home and look ourselves in the mirror. And that's where many of us struggle. And so that's what this show's about, pulling up a seat and figuring out what's the next right move in your life. All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now, we have February and October weekends on sale for the money in marriage getaway.

It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at $749 bucks a couple. Get yours at ramsysolutions.com slash getaway. Let's go down the street here in Nashville, Tennessee. One of my neighbors. I don't know if you're really my neighbor. I've never talked to you before. but it's kind of awesome. Let's talk to Dave.

What's up, Dave? Hey, Dr. John. How are you doing today? What's up, brother? How are you, man? I'm doing all right. It's getting colder, but it's good. Slowly but surely, the fall season is here. Absolutely. Well, what's up, man? I guess my question, if I'm being just really up front, is how can I tell my wife I'm struggling with financial pressures without discouraging her dream career?

So... Tell me more. Yeah, absolutely. So I married Love in my life two years ago. She's an entertainer, and in the last year, along, she's had some pretty good and pretty great success. Before that, she was a great... Let me break in here.

Just because of the nature of this show, what does entertainer mean? She is a stand-of-comedian. Okay, all right, not a dancer. Okay, all right, good. Okay, so she's going to be a comic or a musician or whatever. Okay, cool. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she's had some great success in the last year, and it's been really fun to watch. Before that, she was a preschool teacher for a few years. And she walked away from that because my wife was born with some medical complications that affect her heart, kidneys, and some other stuff. And basically the kids' germs made her sick, but due to her health bill and made the sickness kind of just that much worse. So then my wife and I sat down.

And we prayed and talked it out thoroughly and agreed to have a work pretty part-time and pursue her career more seriously. So she can just worry less about her medical health, have the day to rest if she needs it. Her career as a comment, as a comedian? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. And that's come with some expected pressures like that expected, but I'm just having a hard time managing how to deal.

deal with some of those pressures in terms of when I express like, oh, man, this is, because with entertainment income is just kind of a little bit less predictable. Yeah. Everyone in entertainment, myself included, is on 100% commission, right? So you do as, you eat as well this month as you made last month, right? Yeah, exactly. Every month is a new month. So I'm going to run back what happened in my house, and you tell me how.

How, now, the advantage I had was I'd been married a lot longer than you two have. And my wife and I had been through tons of ups and downs and almost breakups and almost, I mean, some really great years. So I've got a whole bunch of scars and wisdom. But here's what the conversation happened in our house. I moved this across the country for my dream job at a university that was going to set our entire family up. And it did. It was amazing. and I loved my university.

I loved my coworkers. I loved the job. And then I had an opportunity to leave everything I'd work for for 20 years to come work in media. Yeah. Public speaking, writing, this show, everything, right?

And I was transitioning from a really firm salary, benefits, kids college, taking care of, like all that stuff, taken care of. To, hey, we're going to transition to this 100% commission thing,

right? and so we sat down together and came up with a game plan for all right how much money is it take for us to live every month yeah how much money is my wife going to have to go back to work for a season how are we going to contract our expenses until this thing gets moving yeah and um so that was a that was a we were really calculated and then the most important thing i think was what is an end date that we will sit down and revisit this when we can both say this isn't working. Yeah.

And so tell me how many of those conversations did you have other than I got to get out of teaching and I want to really do this thing. And then you want to be a supportive new husband and go, yeah, go do it. Like how many of those detailed conversations did you all have? We've had all of them actually. Okay. So what's the pressure coming from? It's really just based on like the unexpected, I guess.

So, like, you know, I mentioned health earlier. Sometimes it just, we budgeted, we're both big fans of, you know, the Ramsey Group, and we budgeted a certain amount for unexpected, but it's just, we've had some things like our, one of our cars got stolen and just another thing. So it's complicated things, and it's gone beyond what we even budgeted for. And just also simply, sometimes when I express that, hey, like, it's just a, like, Like I'm picking up some side hustles to basically make up for that. And sometimes when I feel like I'm expressing all this, I feel like my wife's,

she almost feels bad like she's not doing enough to contribute to the marriage. And I don't really sometimes know how to handle that because she does a lot of things to replace what she did at the school. Like she cleans, she keeps our home really nice and all these other things that I can't do because I'm at the office. And I make it a pretty conscious effort to tell her every day that I really appreciate that you're doing this and keep them busy. But sometimes I feel like still there's something that triggers her to feel like she's still feeling like she's not doing enough. And I just, I feel like sometimes it's hard for me to express like, oh, yeah, we're kind of in a tough situation. And I wish X, Y, and Z had not happened, but we're here. And I sometimes feel like it's taken as, oh, like, I'm not doing enough.

Sure. Well, there's, I hear three big issues, okay? Number one is the most frustrating yet the most simple. And that is the math problem. Do you all make enough money to cover your bills? Do you make enough money to eat and keep your house, keep transportation, and keep your lights on, right? Keep heat in the house, right? So that's number one.

And that's a math problem that you'll have to work out depending on how you live and where you live and all those kind of things, right? So that's number one. Number two is there is a, and every new married couple I know struggles with this. So you're not, you're not crazy. It took me 15 years and almost breaking up my marriage to get to this point. And so if you can do this now, it will transform everything. And that is, I need to be able to. You both need to be able to say the thing that you're feeling

and not take full responsibility for the other person's response to that and the other person needs to be able to say what they're feeling and you catch your body before it runs to fight or flight. Got you. Right? So I need to be able to say we agreed on this thing and it sucks right now

both are true and I've started going to the I go to the club over here every single week I'm there doing sets I know firsthand how awesome it feels when you have a night that crushes yeah

and I also know coming home when I didn't do so great my new jokes weren't as funny as I thought they were when I was telling them to myself in the shower right so it's a it's up and down and some nights you make good money and sometimes you make no money and sometimes somebody promises you

and it didn't come through all that's part of it but y'all the bigger conversation is not about feelings or I'm not doing enough or or or it is hey we're two years into being married we are always going to be anchored together

we're on the same team and she needs permission to say I feel like I'm failing us and you need to be permission to a say well I want you to know I agreed to this and I'm fully on your team and it's messy right now and I'm still all in and also you have to decide I'm not gonna rescue her from her own feelings because I can't okay that makes and vice versa that you can say I'm working my third side hustle because she

quit her job and she's trying to be a comedian which is a tough road to hoe right I mean a tough road to ho it's hard yeah and you get to be frustrated on your third shift of the day and she has to exhale into we both agreed on this we both shook hands and said let's go let's go try to burn the world down together and he gets to be frustrated both are true and she's not going to try to rescue you because by the way she can't rescue you yeah and you can't rescue her from her feelings right mm-hmm I agree and so that's that's the meta it's the foundational conversation can we both say what we're experiencing right now and still go do the next right thing

and both of us not try to bail each other out. Okay. Instead of, I'm going to sit in the tension. Remember this line. Conflict is connection. It's actually a good thing. Yeah. Okay.

That's probably something we both need to keep growing into, especially just being young. Because we've all grew up in pretty conflict. Yeah, you're conflict avoidant, and when you do anything as a newly married person, and your spouse feels frustrated, sad, annoyed. It's what, you love her. You don't want her to be frustrated,

so you go run in there and try to fix it. Yeah. And what you're communicating to her is, I don't think you can do the next right thing, so let me do it for you. Mm-hmm. And vice versa. And then you get in this figure eight dance, right?

Yeah, completely. Where you chase her and she chases you, you try to fix her and then she turns around tries to fix you and then in the middle where y'all cross you have like a great night of passionate sex you're like oh we're back and then the next morning it's like do you have any gigs this week i don't have any gigs oh okay well i'll work more shifts i don't want you to and now we're back to the dance again yeah right okay and here's the here's the third big one can i give you the third big one and then jump in any questions here's a third big one people can do anything anything go through any kind of hardship if there's an

date to it. Mm-hmm. And you all have to, trying this new adventure is, and let me say this way, just as it comes to being a comic, I want there to be more comedians. The thing we need more than anything in the world is, A, truth tellers, and B, places where they make you put your phones away and have a shared human experience with other people, and everyone just laughs, right? Yeah.

Behind an orgasm, laughter, good laughter is the most stress-relieving. Like, ah, right? 100%. And so I want your wife to succeed, but it's hard. And so is there an end date? And for everybody listening, this is, I want to start my own mechanic shop. I want to start a power washing business. I want whatever business you want to start, we have to put some checkpoints on the calendar

for when we're going to sit down and sober-minded say, how is this going? Because here's what I've seen happen, a bunch. she's going to actually be doing this and she's not going to like all of the other parts of comic life right the booking the business

the media the joke writing everybody loves to be on stage for 10 minutes making an audience die laughing that's like a high that few people can understand but that's not the job that's part of the job yeah

it's a business creation it's a business right and so I can see heard not liking this but realizing oh i quit my job and now my husband's doing this so i have to keep doing a thing i don't like and then you're like i got to keep doing this and again you get in this dance right so saying in three months we're going to revisit it in six months we're going to revisit it and all we're looking for is are we hitting our numbers are we how many new jokes do you have how many gigs do you have is this thing is this thing actually is a train actually slowly moving out of the station.

Yeah. And that's interesting you say that because marches are going to be our check-in because it gets us through a pretty

busy season for comedy, at least from what I know. So that's, okay. I was just kind of, I was kind of wondering if that,

like, if that was, in a way, like, unrealistic to set those benchmark. No. You have to have those.

And it doesn't mean that you're having good shows. It doesn't mean that you're making a whole bunch of money or anything like that but part of the check in is do you still want to do this yeah and it's like give her permission to say oh i hate actually hates the whole the entirety of this job yeah right and but the conversation that you need to have soon like tonight or tomorrow is this and here's how i would phrase it and you can take you can take whatever version of this you want to use or none of it but i would sit down with my wife and say

this. I wish I'd had these tools in year two. And that is this. I'm so happy that we made this choice for you to go into comedy and to quit your job and to go full force into this. And I find myself on the days that you are struggling with new jokes or you didn't get the gig or one didn't go so well. I'm struggling trying to bail you out of those emotions. And I want to let you, I want to let you own your own feelings followed by i need permission i want to have permission i don't say permission like in a mom and dad kind of way but i want this our marriage is blessing to be able to come home after working my third shift which i signed up for and i'm happy to do but i also have i get to be frustrated certain days yeah and i get to be stressed and i don't want

you to take that into a shame spiral or take that into a, well, then you have to fix it or you've got to quit everything and get a job. Some days I'm just frustrated and that's okay. Yeah, it's, I signed up lifelong for this thing, so. Yeah, but you didn't sign up lifelong to be married to a comedian, you signed up or to someone who's trying to start a small business,

you signed up to be her ride or die, which means you all decide these things together. Oh, 100%. Right. But it's being able to come home and be like, man, today was awful. Yeah. And I hate working three jobs, but I love supporting you, right?

Those are, those are, it's a both and. Yep. Yeah, it definitely does work that way. It's, uh, and I appreciate it. I really do. It's awesome. Well, brother, I mean, I wish, I wish you guys the best. I wish her the best.

Um, I have no idea who she is because obviously this is a pseudonym on the show. It's not your real name. And, um, if we happen to cross paths at, The local club here in town, tell her to come up and say hi to me because I would love to encourage her and, uh, and, uh, cheer her on. It's awesome, brother. Thank you for being a husband that's walking alongside his wife, um, helping her follow her dream. It's getting to that I, I have permission in my house. It's a, I, it's a good and right thing for me to feel my feelings and then go do the next right thing. And I want to be able to share those things without each of us trying to bail each other out from discomfort. Connection is found in conflict. And that's a great thing. for all married people. We come back. A man asks how he can help his wife make friends. I love the holidays.

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people, I'm super grateful. Let's go out to Jeff in Salt Lake City, Utah. What up, brother, Jeff? Hey, Dr. John. How you doing? I'm good, man. I had to do about 17 intros to this because my brain's not working today. So thanks for hanging with me.

What's up? No problem. So, yeah, just so just my question is, I guess, how do I help my wife make friends and kind of just to elaborate on that. She, as a stay-at-home mom, three kids under five years old, she is stressed out of her mind, of course, but just looking to see how I can best support her outside of just being at home, being a stay-home mom. That's awesome, man.

Does she have a gang or no? Is she lonely and isolated? Um, so she, the, the main people that she interacts with is her family. So we live, we live in the basement of her, uh, with her sister. Um, so my sister in London. Um, her brother also lives here with us. What's that? Is that a good thing? Is that a good thing? Um, yeah, it can be. Okay. It's not. It's not. It's for sure. So the first thing you can do is, is move out and get your own place. Yeah. Okay. Got you. Because right now she's still, she's still a younger sister, and she's still a daughter. Yeah. Okay. And also trying to be a wife and a mother. You know what I'm saying? That's a lot of, that's a lot of role toggling in that basement. Okay. I got you. Okay. So it's not, not, you wouldn't say it's probably the best situation then for her to be in that.

It's just dependent I know some sisters that are like best friends on the planet and they're super supportive and they care for each other and take care of each other's kids and I know some sisters who they're not around each other

forever and they get together and they immediately go back to being 13 and 6 they go right back into their roles sure and they judge each other and they're mean to each other and they lecture each other

and they gossip about each other and so I don't know the nature of y'all's relationship but just your paws makes me think whatever whatever value this has

and it's probably an economic one that y'all are saving money on living in this basement it seems to be coming at a cost to your wife's sanity and emotional well-being

yeah yeah okay I mean they do they do seem to have a good relationship it's just it's those few instances where you know they get on each other's nerves

or my wife will kind of, you know, talk to me about how her sister is acting or those kind of things. But I think for the most part, it's a good relationship, at least from what I've seen. I'm going to weigh over gender this. And so if you're listening to this and you're like, that's not true, fine. It's cool. Many of the men I have in my life, myself included, are rather obtestable. We are oblivious to what I would call underlying social dynamics.

Okay. We are usually pretty aware if that guy wants to fight somebody. Okay. Other than that, we just walk into a room. It's up, right? Yeah. Okay. You're telling me about a couple of flare-ups that your wife has brought

to your attention between her and her sister, but I would be willing to bet money that there is an underlying simmer. Women are often infinitely better, and I could go anthropological and say they have to be, right? But they are much better at absorbing existing social dynamics on a regular basis. Okay.

And so there may be, and you can ask her about this, there may be an underlying, like it's kind of like being on a farm and walking one inch from an electric fence all the time. Okay. That is stressful. Okay. And then the four or five times you accidentally hit it and get electrocuted,

everyone goes, oh, I got shocked, but that doesn't take into account the always present danger that's right there. Sure. Okay. And so if she opens her eyes and her first breath is a breath of tension because she's living in somebody else's house, which means she is under somebody else's social dynamic, somebody else's rules somebody else's judgment

that's in and of itself an exhausting way to be a new mom okay do you what I'm saying got you okay and you put it that way yeah you is you and me just dudes are like man you only got shocked four times and it's like yeah dude but that's always right there yeah right so that that's that's part one part two is I've had C's

when I ask my wife to do me a favor and I ask her to go let me take the kids and let and ask her to go get coffee with a friend and she has done that for me okay and so I'm not saying okay you need to go get some friends I'm saying it would be a gift to me to have some one-on-one time with the kids and you go spend some time with a friend or a couple of friends. Okay. And we've been married a long time now, so she knows, like, oh, am I starting to get a little bit anxiousy, and I'm like, yep.

Or when she said, hey, tonight, I want you to go down to the comedy club, hang out with your buddies in the green room and just tell jokes that I don't want to hear, then I know, oh, I'm starting to get a little bit, a little bit grumpy, and I need some friend time. Okay. I got you. But if you sit down with your wife and say, you know what you need? A, right there, the last thing she needs is to be lectured by another man, right? yeah but if you say hey it would be a gift to me if you started going to a are y'all are you all people

are religious people yeah yeah we're we're ld yes okay so it it would be a gift to me if you started going to a women's get together i don't i know what they call them lDS but like a bible study or a scripture study or a hey moms hang out or a young moms get together it would be a gift to me yeah okay and then that actually gives her an excuse to go where she's like, well, I've got to do this for him, but actually it's really going to be a blessing for her. Okay. I got you. Okay. She does, yeah, she does, she does, she does, uh, do that periodically when they have them. Um, okay. It's, it's, um, she really likes to do, but it's, it's not, it's not very often. And so I don't know if I, if there's

something else that I can do to, you know, kind of help give her. that you're not going to like my last suggestion you ready okay yeah tell me about the group of guys that you hang out with once a week oh i i don't have it either okay yeah often wives and especially new moms who are wives feel like i have to be here to take care of that guy okay because he's got nobody okay and so if you sat down and said what the most common wisdom that you're going to hear is y'all each have to have your own independent groups of friends so that you can show up for each other fully

anchored in and so you say I need to get a group of men in my life just to hang out with to do something with I need to get a hobby and so can we both commit to doing one thing a week outside of the house and we'll both flip responsibilities and roles, but you having other people that you can, most women have three to five friends, the data says, and most men have one, and that's their wife.

That's it. Gotcha. And so you coming out and saying, I got a group of guys that I go play golf with video games, I don't care what you do. Just go do whatever. Go to the Somersault Club. I don't know what y'all do in Utah, but like go do whatever.

And then that gives her permission to go to. okay so i need to i need to take the first leap yes behaviors the language we need friends i'm going first okay but also i would love for you all to sit down and go through the economics of getting your own place even if it's a small place it's a an apartment but it's yalls

where y'all can begin coming up with the rhythms of your own home and y'all are making the decisions for what's okay and what's okay and what's not okay in terms of cleanliness, in terms of volume, in terms of any of the things that come with having your own house. And I would love if y'all could stay in that basement and save the money and everybody was ride or die together, but it doesn't seem to be the case. It seems to be that your wife and her sister have fallen right back into old roles. And man, for a new mom

and a new wife, that is exhausting to walk that close to an electric fence, especially when you get shocked every once in a while. So have the conversation about getting your own place. come up with a deadline and a dollar amount that y'all can agree on and reach together and that might mean Christmas is different this year because in February we're going to move we're going to get our own place and we're going to begin to establish our own home with our rules and regulations and customs and cultural stuff and I got to get some friends and it would really be awesome for me if you did the same thing you're a good man dude you're recognizing the tension which is awesome now we've got to take some concrete

action steps to move forward. Good on you, brother. We come back, a woman asks how to start journaling to help with her postpartum depression. I love, love, love my poncho shirts. If you've seen me speaking live at events, or if you've seen me on the internet, or if you've seen me at a local comedy club, you know that I'm almost always wearing poncho shirts. And right now it's cold outside so I can wear my favorite poncho shirts, the denim's and flannels. Poncho's performance denim has that soft, broken and feel with a little bit of stretch like you've worn it a million times, but it still looks awesome. And poncho flannels like I'm wearing right now come in original or western styles and they are guaranteed to be the softest

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slash deloni. All right, let's go out to Salt Lake City and talk to Katie. What's up, Katie? Hi, how are you, Dr. John? Dude, I am running a scam. We'll call the YouTube show and a podcast. It's pretty awesome. How about you? I'm doing pretty good. Today's a good day. Got to clean my house, got a coffee. It's all good. That bar is incredibly low. Well done, well done, Katie. What's going on? So I wanted to call because I love you guys, love what you guys do.

And I've been dealing with some pretty rough postpartum depression, even though I'm 14 months out of having my youngest. And I listened to your show and thought a baby step would be journaling, but every time I open it, I just go completely blank. Or I don't. love the thoughts like it's like i don't want to feel that way i don't want to write that down even though you say just get it out of your body um and so then i just kind of get stuck and i'm in these loops of postpartum mom guilt frustration and all of that i just can't seem to get out of it so i just

didn't know how to start where to go from there or anything like that i love your question um teach me about your experience with postpartum what does that what does that experience been for you well i have two kiddos one's three and one's one okay um the postpartum with my oldest was really bad and she had colic for nine months um so that was just a nightmare um going through that as soon as she got better um it felt like it felt like it felt like it felt like it felt like it felt like the sun came out as soon as that got over. And I felt like my postpartum just went away. And I started getting my body back and all of that.

And so it felt like it was just in the snap of the finger. It just stopped. This time, I know it's harder because I have a toddler now. And on top of it, she's not talking yet. So that's been a struggle for me. And my son didn't like sleep until about a month ago. I was sleep deprived too. And so I'm just now seeing the light through the trees.

And I'm not in the think of it anymore because I think of it was really, really bad. When you say really, really bad, is it catastrophic thinking? Is it inability to sleep? Is it suicidal ideation? Tell me about really, really bad means. I did have a couple times where I'm just like, they're better off without me. I'm just like, there's just, there's no way I can do this. Like, they're better off without me, without me here in their way, basically.

And then, you know, an hour or two later, it's like, no, that's dumb. Like, stop it. Like, they need their mom. Where's dad? Where's dad? He's here. He's amazing. He's climbing the corporate ladder, you know, because he just wants to provide.

And that's his, you know, that's his way of showing, showing. up is providing he's amazing with the kids the moment he comes and put his bags down he's with his kids so he's amazing okay i want to challenge you though okay okay um and i'm not challenging your husband's character in any way okay i trust you he's a great guy but the greatest gift a father can give his kids is not more money and it's not undivided time. Those are important things. The greatest

gift a father can give his children is to love their mother really well. And if mom is drowning and dad's on the beach playing sandcastles and if mom

is drowning and husbands flying down the beach in a brand new boat because he's trying to get somewhere, mom's still drowning Mm-hmm And so when I circle back and say Where's dad Let me change that language

Where is your husband Um So We're complete opposites Don't care I literally don't care Where is your husband I think he's focusing on the kids

Okay I think he asked me you know because I've told him I'm like I'm drowning I'm struggling He's like what do I do And I don't know what to tell him He's like I want to help you like what do I Like I'm right here

What do I do This needs to be remedied What like I'm right here And then I just say I don't know And it's because he's asked me many times like I've broken down and I've been really honest with him

and he's just like we need to fix this like you I don't know what that looks like for you but we need to fix him he says we he's like you know he says that and I just and he's like you need to tell me because I don't I can

you know I can use what tools I have but they might not work for you sure and he's right because again like we're polar opposite I want to change one word okay from we need to fix this to I'm going to be right here with you

because I don't think you're broken and I'm not in no way shape or fashion am I blaming him all men that I know especially the good ones were trained to go solve and fix problems but in the process we end up treating our wives like car engines.

I can see that. Oh, you're sad? We'll take this supplement, go get this sunlight, and then you're off to the races, kid, because that's how we are. We're trained. And by the way, that's why we die eight years younger. Right. That's why men have heart attacks and they just drop dead because they're told their car engines

to be managed, not human beings to be with. Right. And so it sounds counterintuitive. Now, by the way, this is not going to fix. or this is not going to heal or solve postpartum. But there's a totally different conversation if a husband on the way home calls a neighborhood high school kid to take the kids upstairs

and just sits next to you for 30 minutes and watches an episode of the office. Right. And everyone's nervous system goes back to zero. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, because he has, yeah, no, for sure. And he has looked at high school kids. It's just, it never works out with our schedule.

We looked at sitters and it's just not in our budget right now. Again, because like I said, our daughter's not talking. I got that. I got that. I get that. Any free money we have, we're putting into therapy. And so I've dealt with anxiety and depression my whole life. And I've had different coping mechanisms for each season of it in my life.

And some were good. Some were okay and not great. But I don't have the time or like we call it fund money to do any of those things. So I don't even know a coping mechanism for this season of my life. And again, he's like, what do we need to do? And I go back to, I don't know. I want to change. Everything I've done before.

And I guess here's the challenge. You've never head directly into it. You've coped with it. Oh. You've never gone through it to get to the other side. You've just managed it. and so think about your anxiety and your depression think about it as a smoke detector in your kitchen you've never looked at what's on fire in the house you've gotten some great headphones you've

learned some good meditative techniques to tune it out you've taken the batteries out of the smoke detector you've never looked at what's on fire okay that makes sense that's where i'm circling back to you're not broken your body's probably working pretty dang good okay and so it's entering into a season where i don't want to cope with this stuff anymore i want to heal i want to walk through it and i will tell you i can tell by your language you have a deep-seated long-term sense that you are a burden to the people around you yeah that's accurate okay it's simply not true

you're not a burden to your husband he chose you you're not a burden to your kids you're their freaking mom you're not a burden to the women on your street who also are sitting at home locked in a house with a toddler who would love to have somebody

just go every morning at 9 o'clock we're going to go for a walk and I don't care what the nap schedule is we're going to get some sunlight and it's going to be too cold and we're going to bundle up and we're going to go for a walk. Yeah.

That costs no money. And I do that once a week with a friend of mine just because our, you know, our schedules and the activities with kids don't wind up. But you think the calendar is more important than you. It's not.

You think the schedule is more important than you. You think a toddler's sleep schedule is more important than you. And I, above anybody, believe in routines, especially for little kids and yada, yada, yada, but not if mom is drowning. Right. And so if you put the calendar ahead of yourself and you put, if you put peace and you your house above yourself and you put your husband's climb on the corporate ladder i promise you this as a husband who has been here he's going to cross a financial threshold where he thinks he won he's going to look back and his wife's going to be an ash behind him i've been

there there there's no greater feeling than crossing a financial threshold arm in arm with the husband or the wife you pledged till death to us part. It's the best. Right. But it's a hollow victory crossing that line by yourself. That makes sense.

But if you think I'm a burden, then you saying, I don't need any advice from you, I need you to sit by me. Or as my wife once told me, one of the greatest things she's ever said to me, ever. I need to borrow your nervous system

for about 30 minutes pull up an episode of Brooklyn 9-9 a rerun and plop on the couch I'll be back in a minute no making out no hooking up no nothing she curled up into me like a Labrador just tight as a ball

and we watched a TV show together and it was over she dropped her shoulders and went ah thank you and she walked away and I haven't felt that needed and purpose and having purpose in a long time but if you don't think you're worth cuddling up against for 30 minutes

it's hard to even say that out loud right yeah yeah and I know he would of course he would he loves you to death he sounds like he's an awesome guy and even if you give him one little sentence

and this is a magic sentence I know you're going to think this is dumb but I want to put on two old John Mayer's songs and I want to slow dance in the living room and the kids are going to scream and I don't care. Can I just put my head on your chest

and we dance? Yep. Yeah. Now, none of this stuff is going to quote unquote fix postpartum. If you're still struggling 14 months out,

I want you to go see a professional tomorrow, okay? Okay. And then I'm going to do something for you, okay? I'm making a promise here that I don't know that I can keep but I'm pretty sure I can,

I know the guy. my buddy Luke Lefevre runs a journaling program called Holy Work. Are you a person of faith? It's complicated. Okay, good. Good. Part of that process can be that. His program is based on people, but I've sent people who are devout atheists and they have benefited greatly from it, okay?

Okay. But it is a, it's a journaling program that it's basically just a guided program. and I saw a ton of benefit from it. Okay. And I'll tell you, here's one of the magic things about it. There is a 10-minute free write. It's a vomit session. And then there is journaling prompts after that,

and that became the magic thing for me. Because I like you, we'd just be like, this is dumb. This is stupid. Oh, I feel bad. Okay. Oh, I've got kids. Well, they're not going anywhere.

And so I'm going to put my pen down, and my life's going to be exactly the same. Right. but there was a 10-minute free right that allowed me just to basically vomit all of the up and the best way I could I could see it is I was trying to clean my kitchen but I never took the trash out and that 10-minute free right takes the trash out so then I can look at a kitchen without garbage in it right and then get to what's what do I need to think through and write about and experience and feel and then go do the next right thing how do i do that next

and so i'm going to sign you up for this program for free and if he says he won't give it to me for free which i think he will then i'll pay for it okay oh my gosh thank you so much okay i want you to go through it i will i'm not affiliated with him in any shape form or fashion other than i've been through it and it's a good program but it's a it's a think of journaling as a um as a skill you get the thing you got to practice okay but I do think you could benefit tonight by sitting down and those things you don't want to write down. I want you to write them down. Why don't you want to write them down? What are you scared about? Um, I think it's more so that I'm upset that I'm feeling that way. I get like

disappointed in myself that I'm feeling this way. And I'm just like, no, I shouldn't. So curiosity over judgment. Okay. Curiosity over judgment. Yeah, I need to learn that skill. that will help you with your parenting that will help you be married when your husband's like hey honey I want to try this in the bedroom and you're like sick then or wow tell me more about that one of those is curious and one of those is judgmental one of those is an imitation and one of those shuts down everything else and all future vulnerability and can I just tell you it's okay if there are days you wake up and you don't want to look at your kids you're not a bad mom and there's a there's days you open your like you just want to put your fingers in your ears and scream because they won't stop screaming and that doesn't mean you're a bad mom and there are days you want to get in your car and drive from Salt Lake City to the panhandle of Florida and change your name and disappear and that doesn't make you a bad mom it makes you human okay okay you may need some pharmacological intervention that was stupid way to say that you may need some you may need some

medicine to help with hormones right you may need some low-dose anxiety medication for the next few months to get you through a season that's fine it's great i've been there too but at the end of that underneath all this is you're worth writing your hard thoughts out you're worth going to see a doctor you're worth telling your husband i just want you to hold me for 30 minutes you're worth calling your friends and saying once a week isn't enough i want to do three times a week. I don't care about our stupid schedules. Okay. Okay. Do you believe me? I do. It's okay if you don't. I do. No, I do because I just, I want to be a better

wife and a better mom. Not just for my kids. I'm like, no, no, I'm saying not for my kids and husband, but for me. I want that for myself. Because I know being a better wife and a better mom means I'm happier and more at peace, and that's what I want. Let's flip that around. So I think... I want you to find peace. I want you to find warmth and laughter and joy, and that will free you to be a wife and a mother who loves her recklessly. That sounds better.

You know what I'm saying? I do. You're worth all that. that stuff. Thank you. So we've got your email. I'll contact my buddy Luke and I'll see if we can get you connected. Is that cool? That's great. Awesome. Thank you so much. Well, I'm grateful for you and make sure you hang up the phone and call your doctor and we're going to start there. And then I'm going to get you hooked up with this journey in class. And tonight, I want you to imagine two or three things that you can say to your husband, hey, we're not going to fix anything.

I just want you to be with me. The greatest gift you could give me right now is not your answer. is not your advice but just you just you you're awesome we'll be right back this show is sponsored by better help all right the holidays are a time of traditions some traditions are great and some traditions have run their course it's a great time to reflect on those traditions and what they really mean to you and to ask yourself is it time to begin to create new traditions on your own. Therapy can give you space to create new traditions, reflect on the old ones, and most importantly, take time for yourself. If you're thinking about therapy, I recommend Better Help. They've served over 5 million people globally with an average rating of 4.9 stars out of 5.

BetterHelp is totally online, so it's easy to fit into your busy holiday schedule. To get started, just answer a few simple questions, and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs. And if it happens to not be the right fit, you can change the therapist at any time for no extra cost. This month, start a new tradition by taking care of you. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, h-elp.com slash deloni. All right, Kelly, something cool happened.

What is it? All right. This is, oh, I'm going to butcher her first name. Kealia. I hope I got that close to right. Kealia? Kialia. K-E-A-L-I-A.

Kila? Kila, I'm good with that, too. You remind me of Dumb and Dumber. It's like, T-H-H-T-H-T-H, he's like, the? The. All right, she is from Chicago, and she writes. John is always talking about how kids are so quick to cut off their parents. I have not had a great relationship with my father since I was born.

Oh, adult kids, okay. Yes. Yeah, okay. We have gone extended periods of time where we do not talk. I finally had the opportunity to let my dad know how I feel and put some boundaries in place. They were not initially taken well, but after a few days, we talked again, and we forgave each other for various things. Since then, he has been more forthcoming and honest with me. We've talked more and more.

I am so glad I get to keep my dad in my life. I'm especially glad that I've always had John in the back of my mind when I wanted to give up on the relationship with my father. Thank you, John and team, as I now feel like I have a piece of myself back. awesome very cool dude and congratulations for wading through that tension and waiting through that conflict and saying as a person I love on the other side of that electricity and I'm going to wade through it with boundaries of course I'm going to wait through it and see if we can reconnect that's awesome I love that dude I love that and for every one of those calls we get somebody who's like it doesn't go well but I still think waiting through that tension to try to find connection

is worth it it's awesome yeah and this show comes out on the 22nd of December. And so if it's anything like last year, we're about to get a couple hundred emails about, I'm cutting my parents off or my kids cut me off or whatever because people are just drawing that hard and fast line. And, you know, not everything's black and white. Sometimes you have to do the hard work

and then try to save the relationship. And sometimes it's not salvageable. Sometimes it's not. Because the other person doesn't want to reconnect. Yeah. But it's worth waiting through the conflict most of the time. Thank you so much so much for being with us. Merry Christmas, everybody.

Make good choices. Actually, don't. Just don't. Take a few days of not good choices. Love you guys. Bye.