The Dr. John Delony Show - Navigating Family Dynamics During a Relative's Divorce

Episode Date: September 24, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode John reads a followup email from a mom who is having wins in her challenging relationship with her adopted son How do I support my sister & brother-in-law as they go through a divorce? My stepbrother was recently killed in Afghanistan; how do I help my mom grieve? Lyrics of the Day: "Friends In Low Places" - Garth Brooks   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp dreamcloudsleep.com/delony Conversation Starters Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: parenting, kids, divorce, friendship, boundaries, disagreement/conflict, grief   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a woman whose sister's getting divorced and it's screwing up the friends and the family. She doesn't know what to do next. We talked to a young man whose stepbrother was one of the 13 men and women killed in Afghanistan, and he wants to help his family grieve. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up, everybody? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

So glad you're with us. So glad you're with us. Nick, James, Kelly, it's good to see you all. Especially Kelly. Especially. Hey, James, I think it's time that we tell everybody about our band. Really, you've mentioned it like every show, so. I know, you like how I do that.

It's exciting for me. Yesterday was our big coming out party because we had, nope, I said that the wrong way. Yesterday was the day that we had to get our big photo shoot in our full gear. And we walked by Kelly. And Kelly, I haven't seen stars in your heart and in your eyes ever like that. I didn't know you were capable of that level of... I know your heart fluttered in that way. Oh, it did.

But to be honest, it was strictly because James is – there has been discussion about my taste in music. James likes it if it's obscure. No one has ever heard of it type thing. And I like my hair metal. I don't shy away from that. So to see James dress like that. He looks so good. And to know that here in a few weeks I'm going to hear him play all the songs that are near and dear to my heart

does more for me than y'all will ever know. Maybe. I didn't know you had a heart like that. I thought it was like a small rock. And yesterday it was beating fast. I could just see it. Oh, it was. It was a moment.

Your hair was standing up. I might have cried a little. I saw it. It was so good. A tear. James, this is a big moment. It's grown on me a little bit. Not all of it. But a lot of the music has grown.

To look across our rehearsal space and see you holding a Gibson, rocking it. You're 10x the guitar player I am, and to watch you play like that with a Gibson, all of it. My heart's so full. I feel like, A, we know this show is failing miserably. It's just on a swan dive. But I feel like when this thing, we all have to just get in a room and be like, we know this show is failing miserably. It's just on a swan dive. But I feel like when this thing, we all have to just get in a room and be like, we tried, this show didn't work.

I feel like I can look across the room and think, yeah, but James rocked once. And I've done my deed here. We'll always have summer of 2021. And maybe Brian Adams' little brother will write a song about it. That would be fantastic. All right, hey, listen, check this out. I want to talk about something cool, a note that I got here. We get lots of negative notes on the internets because people love commenting.

We'll talk about that someday. But we got this great note from a wonderful woman named Pat from here in Tennessee. And here's what she said. She said, I wanted to let you know that I tried one of the suggestions that you make on your show. Whenever I get an email that starts with that, I always think, uh-oh, I don't think people are actually going to do this stuff in real life. She said, our adopted son, 16, has several different diagnosed mental health challenges that are results from trauma experience before he came to us at the age of two. He had a really bad day yesterday and his internal struggle manifested itself as extreme anger towards me.

The problem began when he shut down emotionally, refused to go to school. He knows that if he refuses to go to school, then he's got some consequences throughout the house. He wasn't speaking to me because I upheld the consequences. And he told me that he would never forgive me. I love 16 year old ultimatums and absolutes. But as a parent, it hurts, right? It hurts. It's like my little daughter a couple of weeks ago ago I wish you were never born Or whatever she said

So after he went to bed last night I found a notebook And I wrote him a note telling him how much I love him And how important it is for us to keep our word Sticking to our contract And that I hope that his Friday would be a better day I also asked that he leave me a note To let me know how he was doing

I left the note sitting on top of his things in our study. This morning, after he went to school, smiley face, which he went to school, I checked the notebook. There was one sentence. I am doing better today. And then she writes in all caps, this is amazing.

I really didn't believe he'd write me back, but he did. He was introspective and he wrote back. I mean, his exclamation points. I left another note and will wait to see if he will continue a dialogue. Thanks to you and your amazing team. Probably talking about Nick, Sarah, maybe James, and Kelly. Thanks to you and your amazing team for the work that you do. I have so many major challenges going on in a mama's heart these days, and your advice and expertise is not only helpful, Kelly is beautiful

and entertaining. She didn't say that, but I added that. I look forward to every episode. Keep up the good work. Hey, Pat, number one, thank you for doing something as simple as trying something new. Trying something new. As parents, we often we often like we need to uphold these consequences with a kid and when they don't do it we think well we just need to hold consequences even harder and then our kids push back because they're 16 and that's what the way 16 year olds are biologically designed is to push back on boundaries and then we think what do we do let's just do it harder and louder and you know we just and you tried something different you still held the boundary still held um your son accountable because you love him

and you tried something new which was as simple as grabbing an old spiral notebook or an old notebook off some random shelf in your house and writing him a letter and then just saying hey will you write me back and for a 16-old who struggles with mental health challenges, who has sworn, I'll never forgive you and I'm not talking to you, a sentence, I'm doing better today. I mean, that can be considered a parade, right, with horn sections and things. So confetti falling from the sky. As parents, as people who love, you know, have romantic partners, people who are just trying to navigate our world, it's so easy to get stuck in a rut. And we get an idea, this is the way this should be. And when it doesn't work, we just think,

well, let's just do it harder. And let's just do it louder. And let's just do it more aggressively. Sometimes it's magic. I'm just stopping and trying something new. So thank you so much for that email. And for some inside baseball, this is the second or third or like fourth time we've had to pick this up. And Sarah, the editor, is going to have to figure this all out. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season

for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest,

a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst.

If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100%

online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Hey, what's up, Anne in Richmond, Virginia? Anne, how in the world are you? I'm good. How are you?

Good. I know you can hear us talking when we're not on air, and you can tell I'm not very good at this. You also owe Kelly a lot of money because you've said listen so far twice. Come on. Kelly wasn't even paying attention. Real cool, Ann. You were that kid in school that were like, can we just do more homework? Probably.

Oh, gosh. Darren's looking at my paper. Thanks, Ann. The world needs more. The world needs more. The world needs more Anne's. I can't believe I said listen twice. Kelly's gonna get a Cadillac after this deal.

Hey, so what's up? How can I help? So, anyway, my sister and I have, like, always been pretty close. We got married around the same time, and then the two of us couples were really close and

now they're getting a divorce. And we're just trying to figure out like how to navigate this and how to manage to stay friends and keep things sort of normal for all of our kids and what do we do? So is everything, I mean that messes up weekends,

evenings, babysitting hey we're gonna and then do y'all have like um the same gang of friends too outside of your little family bubble oh gosh okay so why are they getting divorced is there any any like abuse or um evil stuff going on or do they just fall out of love and blah, blah, blah? I think it's mostly they grew apart or she grew up

and he's kind of the same person he's always been. And I don't think, I don't see it as he's a bad person as much as they just don't see eye to eye. And also, he can be a little bit on the controlling side when things aren't the way he thinks they ought to be. He's just one of those people who likes to try to buckle down and, I don't know, try harder for his way rather than compromise. So I don't see it as abuse, but definitely not healthy either.

Okay. And I said something that I hate. I said, did they just fall out of love? I don't really think that happens. I think people just quit working on it. So it sounds like they, over time, just stopped working on stuff, right? That's the way I see it. Okay.

All right. That's a better way. I haven't been there 24-7 so I can't say 100%. Here's a couple of things. It really is going to come down to how mature everybody wants to be.

the first thing I want you to be cognizant of and put on the table in your home with your husband is this will send shockwaves through your marriage it will send shockwaves through you through your husband and through y'all's through your connection right great and he'll it can be a oh we can just get out of this thing or I don't want that to happen to us. Or now it's become real. Like, oh, this can happen. Right. Everybody kind of trips out a little bit. There's grieving that has to happen on y'all's end. And if y'all haven't gone out one night or one morning and just said this is going to affect us, how are we?

Then you got to do that because there's going to be a lot of unspoken stuff. Yeah. How similar? Am I right? Has this happened? To some extent. And then I feel like we're in a, you know, like we've realized that things are, it could happen. But things are, you know, we talk more and like, I don't know.

I feel like we're in a good spot right now. Cool. Not saying, you know, not saying nothing could happen, but things are, you know, we talk more and like, I don't know. I feel like we're in a good spot right now. Cool. Not saying, you know, not saying nothing could happen, but. There you go. So I want y'all to look at this as a chance to reimagine where y'all are headed and where y'all are right now and make this fun. If you can get away for a weekend, I don't know how old your kids are, but if y'all can get away for a weekend, if you can get away for an afternoon or an evening, do that and make this so fun. If you can get away for a weekend, I don't know how old your kids are, but if y'all can get away for a weekend, if you can get away for an afternoon or an evening, do that and make

this so fun, so fun. And it doesn't have to be a, oh no, we don't want to become them. I think you got to put that on the table and say, hey, this is, this is just sucks. And this is scary. And this is, and where do we want to go? What is the next two years, three years, seven years going to look like for us? We don't know what the world is going to look like, but who are we going to be in the midst of all the mayhem? And I think that's so good. So when it comes to friends and relationships and family and this kind of stuff, if there's abuse, like if he was beating up your sister, there's some relationships like we're cutting people off, right? Or if there's child abuse, things like, you're not gonna be around my kids, you're not gonna be around my home, et cetera. Again, my friends, we've been together for so long,

but we're really open about this stuff. And so back when one night we were all just hanging out, a couple of my oldest buddies, somebody just said it out loud, like, hey, by the way, if any of us ever get divorced, I'll love y'all, but your wife is welcome to come stay at my house. Like, no questions asked, right?

So I think it would be really wise and very mature and grown up of you to, if they can be in the same room, if y'all can still sit in the same room together, then to invite them over for dinner and say, we're still having all the kids together. Y'all two can do your thing, but I'm still going to call him. I'm still going to call you.

And the two husbands are still going to go hang out and go do whatever they do. And me and you are still going to hang out. That's still going to happen. And we're not going to pick sides here. And we're not going to get drawn into any drama. and, oh, why didn't you respond to my text? You respond, I hear you're talking to him. I think just calling that out, putting it on the table.

Y'all have chosen to not be married. We are choosing to still love both of you. Does that make sense? Yeah, and we've tried that, and now we're getting some pushback. Like, why do you spend time with him? There you go. So here's what you did. You put a boundary on the table, and your boundary was, we're going to love you both. And now people are going to bang their head up against the boundary and see if it's real. And so this is when you respond back and say, hey, I'm not doing this. I love you.

And if you're going to tell me that to be a sister who loves you, it means I have to cut off friends, I'm not going to do that. Or maybe you say, okay, I'll do that. And you tell him, hey, I love you, but I got to side with my sister on this one. And you're going to need to find your own gang, right? If y'all want to do that, then so be it. And when it comes to the other friends, I think you let them know. We're still going bowling, or I don't know what you guys,

what your friends do together. We're still going to go do those things. We're still going bowling, or I don't know what you guys, what your friends do together. We're still going to go do those things. We're going to invite everybody. Y'all two can decide, because y'all made a grown-up decision. Y'all two can decide. And here's the other thing that's going to just, just as a grenade in the middle of everything,

is everything's going to be different now. It's going to be weird. There's going to be that awkward, It's going to be weird. There's going to be that awkward fleshing out part and the, it's just going to be weird. There's not going to be a, when do we get back to normal? Because there's going to have to be a new normal. And y'all get to design what this new normal is going to look like,

but it's going to be annoying and frustrating. And it's okay to be so mad at your sister for screwing everything up. And it's going to be fine to be mad at this dude, her ex, for screwing everything up and partridge in a pear tree. But holidays are going to look different. Thanksgiving, Christmas, it's all going to look different, right? Yeah. It's as intentional as possible.

And then just don't put up with people acting like children. I thought you were going to be my friend more. Stop. We're not doing that, right? Okay. How much is that happening? Or are you imagining it happening? Recently, it has been happening because basically just, like, just the way circumstances where we were hanging out with her more.

And then we got invited to do some stuff with him. And then other friends all together. And now she's upset about that. And I'm like, it's not about him. It's like the whole group of friends and we want to do this. And now she's not happy. Yeah.

So in her grief and in her shame and in her frustration and in her anger, she's going to have to find repeated scapegoats. And as her best friend and sister and also as the adult in the room, you are going to be the brunt of this, unfortunately. That's where you just calling her out like, dude, I love you. Stop. Stop.

Stop acting like a child. And this is going to be heartbreaking for you, but if she chooses to act like a child and disconnect from you because you're acting like a grown-up, that may be part of what's next for you for a while. I don't think it will be forever, but that may be what's coming up. Does that make sense?

That's heartbreaking, I know. But here's the thing. When we love people, people just do dumb things. They do stupid things. They do things differently than we do, and they do things that frustrate us. They do things that are incredible. They win the lottery and then suddenly it's like, oh, what happened?

That's just part of loving people. It's a risk and it's hard. And that's when you have to know who your gang is, what your values are, what your boundaries are, and then how you're going to speak them into the world. And I hope your sister will love you and go, I know, I know. And that's when you, as a sister who loves her can say, do you really think I don't love you? Stop. And we're going to go hang out with friends. And if you don't want to come, cause you divorced this guy, that's your choice. Congratulations. But we're going bowling cause we love bowling and I'll still come over your house, but we're not going to

keep a tally. How many times are you with him or with me? And, by the way, he'll get remarried someday. And if he's like most guys, it'll be about two and a half weeks from now. He'll run into some old middle school girlfriend and just call it. And he'll end up making his own life. So some of this is going to be temporary. And then you and your sister will stay connected at some point. So some of this is just getting through the discomfort of where we are right now.

So frustrating. But you and your husband, y'all be the adults in the room, hold your boundaries and take care of those little kids. Make sure they're all hanging out together. All right. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney show. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com.

All right, we're back. Let's go to David in Raleigh, North Carolina, one of the most beautiful cities in the country. What's up, David? Hey, John, thank you so much to you and mostly Kelly, I guess, for having me on the show. Come on! I'm sorry. Hey, listen, she called last night and mostly Kelly, I guess, for having me on the show. Come on! I'm sorry.

Hey, listen, she called last night and was like, I've got like seven calls, and I said, we're getting David on this show. Just kidding, that didn't happen at all. Fake news. And that fake news is fake news. How do you like them apples? I'm just kidding. David, yes,

you can thank Kelly. She's the best and great and wonderful and brilliant And blah blah So anyway hey brother David What is up man Well I just want to say I've got so much respect for you And what you do and how you approach mental health

So just thank you for what you do I'm grateful for you too John Oh I see what you did there Thanks man So hey I'm grateful for you, too. So what's up, man? Yeah, so I got a call from my mom two weeks ago saying that my brother who was deployed in Afghanistan was one of the 13 service members killed in the Kabul bombing. Come on, man.

I'm so sorry. Wow. Yeah, it's complex because my mom just remarried two years ago. Okay. And I've only met the guy once. Okay. So I don't really have any kind of relationship

with this guy. So I'm just kind of trying to navigate. I have a good relationship with my mom so I'm just kind of trying to navigate I have a good you know good relationship with my mom and my stepdad and I'm just trying to figure out how I can be there for my mom because this is we just we just grieved my dad passing five years ago so it's it's a lot of grieving and you know I'm tired of tired of her having to deal with crap like this. Yeah, man. It's hard. Everything about this is hard, man. Man, she's lucky to have you in her life for thinking about her and for loving her.

And dang, man, that sucks. I'm heartbroken for your family. So five years ago, your old man passes away. Was it sudden? Was it quick? Was it slow? Yeah, he had a heart disease. It was a very, very slow decline, but it was, it was a quick, quick death. So, you know, he was slowly, you know, his legs were starting to swell and he was kind of slowing down, not able to exercise as much.

But it wasn't like, okay, he's going to pass. You know, we know he's going to pass. It was, it was very sudden. Gotcha. So then she gets remarried a few years later, is that right? Yeah. Okay. And then she, I mean, these servicemen that passed away were so stinking young,

so she's probably spent a year or two with him? Yeah. So they, my stepdad, they had a good relationship with him. He's been stationed out here near, I don't, I don't actually know. It's somewhere out here in North Carolina, but, uh, so they got to see them quite a lot. Okay. So how did your mom reach out to you? Well, she had, she'd been texting me saying, hey, because he had just gotten deployed.

My stepbrother just got deployed like several days before it happened. So it was, hey, pray for Ryan. He's going to Afghanistan. And then on Thursday, it was, hey, we haven't heard from him. Be praying that he's safe. And then I wake up to a call from her, and she's not one to have a quick conversation, but it was very quick. He was just killed. Pray for your stepdad.

Yeah. Man. Whew, man. So have you been able to see your mom in person? No. She's there over in Tennessee so it's a bit of a drive okay so when anyone says like hey how do I help somebody grieve um especially when someone's a family member when especially someone's involved in this loss in any way and um the first thing I always tell folks is make sure you're grieving. Make sure you're dealing with your frustration and your anger and your loss. And like you said, you didn't

know this guy very well, but there's some peripheral connection there, right? And you just, as a fellow United States citizen, like the rest of us are just horrified at this thing. And so you making sure you're okay and not okay, you're not just going to flip a switch, but making sure that you have a process, you've got people in your life, you're taking care of your basic health needs and things like that. And you've got folks that you can talk to. That's super critical to make sure you can be whole in the presence of somebody who's hurting, right? I think it's worth, how old are you, man? I'm 23, 23. Are you working? Are you in school? What are you doing right now?

Yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm married and I've got a, I'm self-employed. Okay. If at all possible, I think being in proximity with your mom, even if it's 24, 48 hours, is really valuable right now. Being able to let her touch you and hug you and kiss your face and hold her hand feels like a, what would I actually, I mean, what am I going to do? I'm just going to sit there and I would tell you, yes, absolutely. You'll just sit there. And maybe you take her by the hand and you'll go get some breakfast or go to dinner or something together. You are able to hug your father-in-law, your stepdad, if you will. Not father-in-law, your stepdad.

You're able to hug him. And again, he didn't know you that well, but he's connected in different ways. And your role will take on a different meaning to him. But being able to just be seen and be touched and you hold your mom will be a healing. It will be magical healing, if you will. And so if you can knock off 48 hours, I know it's a long drive. It's an exhausting drive. But if you can make that drive or catch a flight and go hug your mom, I would really recommend that. I've done turnaround trips like that for drive 12 hours or nine hours for 10 hours of sitting by somebody to then turn around and drive another nine or 10 or 11 hours back. Those moments are magical and they are a gift and they are few and far between. As trying to love somebody and help them grieve long distance,

the magic here is not, I keep saying magic, because it's a mystical process in many ways. The magic is to not try to fix your mom. You can't. You can't take away her hurt. You can't take away her disbelief. You can't take away, this is a big one, right? This one's got a lot of baggage to it

because there's so many different voices weighing in. And every time she turns on the news, there it is. And every time she doesn't turn on the news, there it is. And Facebook groups and texting and the military processionals, all that stuff is just this reminder and this constant reminder. And it's part of the healing process and so not trying to get caught up in a trap of hey mom here's what you need to do but more of hey mom how are you how's today how was yesterday and not always doing it through text but setting up time where i'm going to call mom i'm going to hear her voice and she needs to hear your voice does that make sense yeah um what has the last few weeks been like for y'all are y'all are

you talking to her is she in a is she weeping i mean how is she doing yeah so um i called her um you know i gave them a day or two for the you know it's because i didn't want to talk to them when they're just in complete shock so i called I called her two or three days after, which obviously is still in shock. But I called her just to say, hey, how are you? What's it been like? And I could tell that they had been kind of crying a lot. And they said lots of ups and downs, but mostly just crap about news stations, trying to get a hold of them, trying to interview them. Been approached by some major film industries about already filming a documentary and trying to interview them.

So it's a lot of dealing with a lot of crap like that. So here's something else. My house, and a lot of this credit to my wife because she's amazing, but my house has become a place that people will escape to. They'll come from all over the country and come spend a couple of days

or a week or two and get away. And it may be that you reaching out to your mom and saying, I want to invite you to Raleigh. Y'all get off the grid, turn your phones off and just come see us. Y'all need to be able to heal where people don't know where you live. They're not going to sit outside your house. I'm going to follow you to the grocery store and media and film. I mean, they can be relentless and maybe offering a safe place for her to come visit you. And do you have a little one? No, we don't.

Okay. Do you have a dog? No, we've got just a spare bedroom. All right, get a dog and tell your mom, I don't know, be one of those people that says things like grand dog or whatever, those people who have animals and they try to anthropomorphize them into humans. Do that. Do that. Do something.

Tell her you've got a squirrel in the backyard that needs her grand squirrel or something. But invite her to come stay with you. She probably won't, but really open that up. And, yeah, I really think you need to go see her face-to-face. So this happened today, and I'll keep this as broad as possible because I want to keep my friend's personal life personal. But we got a call this morning that a friend's people that like some of my closest friends on the whole planet. They had called 911.

One of them was real sick and ended up going to the hospital this morning. So I'm waiting to hear after this show, I'll get some updates on the way things are going. When I heard that, I immediately picked up the phone and called. And so this idea of I don't want to, I know they're grieving and I don't want to get in the middle of that. If you love them and you're connected, get in the middle. Let people know that you're thinking about them. Can I do anything? How are you?

Because a lot of people, like you mentioned, will call because they want something. They want to know information. They want to know how the grieving people are going to make me feel better because I'm scared and I'm alone and I'm angry too. And there's something about just cutting through that stuff and saying, I'm your son. How are you? Right? So I would encourage you to not wait. They'll tell you. They won't answer the phone. The guy I called this morning whose wife is in the hospital, he didn't answer, but he knows that I love him. And I left him a message and said, don't call me back. I just want you to know I'm thinking about you, praying about you. I'm thinking if you need anything, holler at me.

I just want to check in on you. Those kind of things, people won't always remember what you said. They'll remember that they heard your voice. They'll remember that they heard your voice. They'll remember that they saw your face. And so you lean in against your own discomfort and you call your mom every day. Make sure she's doing okay. Invite her to see you.

You show up. But there's going to be a process about touch and care and connection in these moments. Don't try to fix your mom. She's going to have a hard grieving season. Your stepdad especially is going to have a hard grieving season. Your stepdad especially is going to have a hard grieving season. Just think of how can I be with, not how can I fix. Does that make sense?

Yeah. And then over time, as your mom begins to make meaning of this deal, as she begins to say, what am I going to do? Am I going to create a group for recently deployed young men and women, and I'm going to create a group for their moms, or I'm going to create a group for grieving parents, or as she begins to make meaning of this and say, the rest of my life is going to be about X, Y, and Z because of this, then you can support her and love her and go to the 10Ks and go to the rallies or be a guest writer on her blog,

whatever that's going to look like for her. But she's going to always know you were there and you're walking alongside her. And again, I want to remind you, you were peripherally, is that a right word? You were connected to this six degrees of Kevin Bacon, but you're still connected to it. You're still going to have people who reach out to you.

You're still going to have your own, when you're watching the news or you're frustrated or you see politicians trying to spin this this way or that way, make sure you're dealing with your own stuff, that you're keeping a journal, you're writing stuff down, you're disconnecting yourself from some of these feelings and your anger and your rage and your frustration or your sadness. Make sure you're dealing with you, man,

because you lost your old man too a few years ago. I know your mom lost her husband, but you lost your dad. And now you're watching your mom hurt again. And that's hard too. It's all about grief. And you're going to listen to all the different knuckleheaded friends that you have making their cases and saying this and that. Make sure you and your wife are dealing with your grief too. And over time, you're going to find meaning also. And I'll say this, your mom's lucky to have you, man. To all the sons and daughters out there, let's love our parents when they're grieving, when they're heartbroken, when they're hurting. Let's reach out. I know it's awkward because they usually come to us for our whole lives. They've been taking care of us. And there's these moments that it turns when it's our job to reach out to them and say, how are you doing? And just be honest, this is a season of loss, so much loss, whether it's

COVID deaths, whether it's military, I mean, there's so much loss, loss, loss, hurricane stuff. We got to cut through the, man, it feels weird or it's hard. I don't know what to say. Forget that. Call somebody and say, hey, I love you. I don't know what to say. Forget that. Call somebody and say, hey, I love you. I don't know what to say right now, but I love you. Send the email, send the text, write the letters, make the calls. We need each other during this season of grief.

We don't need your anger and don't need your, we need you to reach out and care for each other. David, you're awesome, brother. Thank you so much. And we honor your stepbr other. David, you're awesome, brother. Thank you so much. And we honor your stepbrother. We honor him and the other 12 with all of our hearts and our minds. And we honor them, by the way,

by loving each other, by getting up and saying, I'm going to make the most of today. I'm going to make the most of tomorrow. I'm going to be kind. I'm going to be direct. I'm going to be honest. I'm going to love each other. That's how we're going to honor. We take care of our commitments. We're going to be kind. I'm going to be direct. I'm going to be honest. I'm going to love each other. That's how we're going to honor. We take care of our commitments.

We're going to do what we say. Thank you so much for you, Dave, and your family. Whoo, James. Man, I'm struggling with this one. Like, when I went down that list, you were out. I mean, when I go down that list, these kids were so young. I call them kids, they weren't kids I know they're not kids, I know they're adults

Those are just 20, 20 years old 20 years old, 20 years old Some of those young men and women couldn't buy drinks It's unbelievable man But In honor of Good friends I don't think I've told you that. I may have told this on the show. I've been trying my best, James, to raise my son as a guy who understands heavy metal roots and good punk rock music and good hair metal music.

And I know many will say, is hair metal good? Not, kind of. It is, sort of. But I'm trying to raise him in the right way. And then we moved to Nashville and he found this station, 95.5. 90s country hits. All day, every day, out of his room is Martina McBride and Alan Jackson and Toby Keith. Everybody.

And now these guys are our neighbors. We live here in Nashville. They're just around in the grocery store. And I look at them and I think, I tried to teach my kid about Metallica, but you, you wrote some song about boot scooting boogie. And now my son's walking through the world i think my biggest takeaway is that your son listens to the radio the actual radio that is amazing he recites geico commercials he'll come out and be like guys there's a sale at wendy's we can get four uh most 11 year olds don't know what the radio even is like i have to explain to my kids like can you

put on that song i'm like no no you can't pick the song on the radio. It's just whatever's on. And he's so fascinated by it when he goes to someone's house and they have Alexa and he's like, you can just tell a magic box and it plays any song. Anyway, in honor of my son, who I love, in honor of friends, it's off the 1990

album, No Fences. No Fences. Our good friend G. Our good friend G. Old G. Brooks. The lead single from the album No Fences. It's Friends in Low Places by our brother Garth and it goes like this. Blame it all on my roots. I showed up in boots and ruined your black tie affair. The last one to know, the last one to show, I was the last one you thought you'd see there. And I saw the surprise and the fear in his eyes. That's so great. When I took his glass of champagne and I toasted you and said, honey, we may be through, but you'll never hear me complain because I got friends in

low places where the whiskey drowns and the beer chases my blues away, and I'll be okay. And I'm not big on social graces. I think I'll skip on down to the oasis. Oh, I've got friends in low places. Garth Brown, that is such an incredible song, right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.