The Dr. John Delony Show - Navigating Political Discourse & Engaging Different Worldviews

Episode Date: November 2, 2020

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that gives you real talk on life, relationships and mental health challenges. Through humor, grace and grit, John gives you the tools you need to cut through the chaos of anxiety, depression and disconnection. You can own your present and change your future—and it starts now. So, send us your questions, leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291, or email [e-mail]. We want to talk to YOU! Show Notes for this Episode 3:21: My father-in-law is not a good provider for his wife. How can my wife and I help? 13:03: My father doesn't approve of the fact that I am 21 and my boyfriend is 35. What should I do? 21:42: Miranda: How do I navigate this current political climate as a Christian? 32:32: Teaching Segment: Reading & consuming ideas from people that don't think like you 36:03: My house was destroyed in the recent fires. How do I feel safe again? The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma - Bessel van der Kolk M.D. 44:17: Lyrics of the day: "Lost Ones" - Lauryn Hill tags: family, relationships, in-laws, hard conversations, politics, disagreement, conflict   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Hey, what's up? On today's show, we're going to be talking about how to navigate this trash political climate with friends and family who see things and hear things differently than you do. We're going to talk about navigating tricky parent boundaries, and we're going to talk about how to heal from trauma when your house burns down and you lose everything. Stay tuned. Heyo, I'm John and this is the Dr. John Deloney Show. We're taking your calls about your life, your relationships, your neighborhood dilemmas, your country, your world. We want to help you rethink, re-examine, just re-imagine simple stuff.

We're talking human 101. Stuff that has slowly over time been taken away from us. Like our relationships, our boundaries, our wisdom collectively, individually. We're going to talk about love. We're going to talk about loss. We're going to talk about family issues, infidelity, finding love again. And we may talk about weird clappers. Literally clappers, people who press their hands together either too loudly, too softly,

leg clappers for crying out loud. Hey, listen, tapping your leg a few times does not communicate appreciation. It communicates indifference and flat out laziness. Here's the thing. For about nine months, most of us haven't been in a public setting where there's been any sort of clapping going on. So any clapping that's happening is happening in your house. That's super weird. And you've probably fallen out of love with certain people, certain loved ones, after watching them clap up close.

It's embarrassing for everybody. So as the world is slowly starting to open back up, this is a good time to practice in front of the mirror. Take the time, become a good clapper, get your technique down to terrible and indifferent clappers. You know, I hate mechanistic metaphors for people, but fix it, fix it. You're embarrassing yourself, fix it. And here's the other thing back in the sixties, fix the clap. I understand meant something totally different than what we're talking about here,

but I want everybody to forget the 60s. This is the 2020s. Good or bad or ugly, fix the clapping. Fix it. All right, so whatever's going on in your home, in your heart, in your head, in how you just put your hands together, whatever, I'm here to stand and walk with you.

Give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or you can email me at askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. Askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. And don't forget, if somebody is awesome in your life, if you've got a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a mom, dad, husband, wife, kid, boss, neighbor, somebody who's going above and beyond in the human being category, who's just good, is just good. They weren't good, and now they've turned it around.

They said the words, I'm sorry, and they're making a difference in their life and your life. Email me and let me know some positive things that are going on in addition to your questions, and we will read about some of those positive folks on the air. I love it, love it, love it. All right, let's go straight to the phones. Let's see here. Let's go here first.

Let's go to John in Detroit, Michigan. Brother John, how are we doing? Hey, Dr. John, I'm doing great. How are you doing? Outstanding. Good, man. How is it in Michigan this morning? Freezing. It will be that way until what? I'm going to be down by you. March?

Yeah, it is not freezing. I was going to say maybe May. Oh, fantastic. Good for you. Well, man, how can I help this morning? Yeah, I just want to say I love the show. You are a great addition to the Ramsey team. So I'm really enjoying what you're doing there. So thank you. Thank you so much, brother. I'm having a hoot, man. We're having fun. Hey, my question is about my father-in-law. So I've been married almost 13 years. I have three amazing daughters, and I want to start by saying that my father-in-law is a great grandpa to my kids. is disabled. She receives disability. She's unable

to work. And so my wife and I get frustrated that he's not providing. It's just hard for us to understand and was calling to see if you had any thoughts to how we can best work through this. Very cool. So one high five to you for, for being a great dad. High five to you for recognizing that he's a good granddad. That's cool, man. Sometimes when we have problems with people, we just lump them all in a big bucket of suck or a big bucket of awesome. And good for you for being able to differentiate that. So when you say he's not a good provider, dig into that a little bit what does that mean yeah so he's self-employed i would categorize him as a dreamer um he's always seems to be like one big deal away from breaking out something huge so he's like a disney character right yeah he's almost always just really really close right and so he's he's an optimist which I think is a great quality, but it just, those great things don't really seem to pan out. We know he has business debt. He has little to no retirement.

He's opted out of Social Security based on past jobs he's had. And I guess most recently, just to kind of bring you up to speed where we're at, my wife and her brother, so there's two kids, my wife and her brother had a pretty tough conversation with him a couple weeks ago about getting a different job, even if it's not his current job, his dream job. And he didn't really take it well. He got pretty angry. He got defensive, but he did agree to look. And a couple weeks in, obviously obviously nothing's really come up yet,

but I don't think it's ill will Dr. John. It almost feels like a delusion. Like I love him around my kids. There are great Christian people. Like they have great hearts. It's just hard to know. He's kind of living off of a small disability income,

knowing that maybe an inheritance is going to come to him at some point. But he doesn't seem to care about doing that for his kids. I guess last thing, and then I'll stop. We're doing fine financially. We're on Dave's plan. We have been on his plan for like 15 plus years. We don't expect or need any inheritance from them. That's not where this is coming from.

It's just kind of hard to understand. Yeah, so I was going to ask you, is this burning a hole in your heart because of a character issue or is this a math problem? Are you looking down the road and saying, we're going to end up taking care of him and his disabled wife in the future because he's not taking... Is that where this is headed or are you just looking at this as a dad and a husband and wondering what in the world's in this dude's brain? I would say it's both. The first part, I would say, is real.

And I think that my wife and I are processing through that. How would we handle that if that were to come there? So how would you? How has that conversation gone? The conversation has gone, I would say it depends on what happens. So if something happened to him and we had to take care of her mom, I think we would be much more open to it. If something happened to her and we had to take care of him, I think that it would be harder for her. Gotcha.

But would you still do it? We're trying to define that line right now. Okay. Okay. So as for what's going on with him, man, who knows? He would have to call Lynn and we'd have to sit down and dig into a little bit. Everybody's got their own bag of tricks to try to make themselves feel better um he may did his wife did your mother-in-law did she become disabled through their marriage or part

way through their marriage or she always had um disability challenges fairly recently like within the last five years or so, she has become disabled. Has he always struggled with provision, or is this something that's just fallen upon him? No, it's always been a struggle. They've moved around a lot because of it. Great jobs that don't pan out, so it's kind of a habitual thing. Gotcha. So I'm going to give you maybe the best piece of advice I could give you,

which is it doesn't matter and you're going to have to let it go. Because in the old AA literature, being frustrated with somebody, being angry with somebody, spending your day wondering what's in their head is like poisoning yourself and hoping they will die. It's just serving to poison you and your relationship with your wife. And so this is who this guy is. This is who he has always been. Like as you say, he's somebody that loves your grandkids. He just doesn't love working. And loves your family he's just not stepped up um and provided for his family and he i guess he's waiting for a rainy day check is that right is somebody going to pass away in his life and he's going to get an inheritance yeah we think that's the case but you

know we think so yeah that hasn't been made very clear but but I guess the hurt is there are people in his life that sure need help. Yeah, there's no question about that. What you can't do is fix that. And so what you have to decide on your end and you and your wife's end is, are you going to be the kind of people with the character that steps up and helps those people, even when it's somebody else's responsibility? And honestly, this is a conversation that the whole country's having right now, right? Which is there's people hurting, there's people in need, and there's people saying,

we don't help and we do help. And at the end of the day, I'm done with that conversation. Personally, I'm just going to look for people who need support and care in my circle and stop blaming folks and stop whining about it. And I'm just going to get in the middle of it. And that's really where you and your wife are right now and where you're going to be in the future. He's just not going to do it. And like you said, they had a conversation. The two people on earth who can have a conversation, which are his two kids, they did. They did the right thing. They went to him with a challenge and went straight up to him. And he's not going to get a job. They know that, you know that, but it did feel good for them to be heard and to speak openly. And I think that's a testament to him. It's a testament to your wife and to her brother,

but he's not going to change that. And really you guys are going to have to decide from a character perspective, who y'all are going to be and not, not care who he's going to be because it's not going to change. And the more energy you spend trying to get in his head, how are we going to fix this? How are we going to get him to be different? The more you're going to make yourself nuts. And really what y'all need to decide is how are we going to save money for if and when he's got to move in with us? How are we going to save money? How are we going to get with her brother and create a plan for our disabled

mother? And where is she going to live? How is she going to live with us? Or are we going to put him in a home and we're not going to let him live with us? He made his bed and he's going to die on the street alone. I mean, these are math problems and we just got to sit down and solve them. And it's about your character at this point, not his character. So I know that's a frustrating answer. I wish I could just say, dude, you just need to tell them this and this. That's just not how that works. You know what I mean? Motley Crue had a great, you know, I'm a dreamer. People are just that way, dude. They just are. And they're frustrating and they leech off people. They lean on people. And often those folks love so deeply and you want them around.

They're those friends that you're always like, oh, dude, I don't have my wallet. And you're always paying for them because you love having them there. They're hilarious. They're funny. They add to the conversation. They'll show up to your house with a shovel when you got a hole in your yard that needs being dug, but they just won't get a job. They just won't show up on a consistent basis every day, every day, every day. They've always got a scheme. No, man, I got these Arabian horses and they're going to whatever the thing is. And at the end of the day, you're going to make yourself crazy. I must say it over and over again, but you got to let it go. What he's trying to do, why he's trying to do it has no bearing on you

guys. The fact is you got a special needs mother-in-law that needs support. You got a father-in-law who's draining himself dry or draining their income dry, that tiny little bit they live off of. They're not going to have any for you more than likely. And he may end up having to live with you. And so y'all are going to have to make plans for that moving forward. Man, I wish John had some better news for you to start the show off, but that's the reality. Get out of his head and get into your hearts and who you are going to be and let your kids see you guys live into that sort of character, and that's the best you can do.

All right, let's go to Jessica in Salt Lake City, Utah. Jessica, how's it going? Hello. Thank you for taking my call. Thank you for calling. How in the world are you? I'm doing well. How about you?

I'm doing so good. So good. So how can I world are you? I'm doing well. How about you? I'm doing so good. So good. So how can I help this morning? Well, I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 35. All right. My dad is worried about it and I'm questioning

whether or not I should continue this relationship. Why are you questioning it? Because I really care about my family. I really love my family, and I don't want to cause any problems. I'm very happy with my boyfriend. We train for a marathon together. We serve our church together.

But I also wouldn't want to cause any problems with my family. So who do you, this is not a fair question. Who do you love more, your family or your 35 year old boyfriend? My family. Ooh, good job. That's a good answer, by the way. And that's not a fair question. I mostly ask that question just for my own, just to have some fun with my own. So, on my own. So, what does your dad, when he expresses concern about this dude, what does he say? He says things like, you know, he's eight years younger than me. And he also has a 11-year-old daughter and he he'll say, you know she is half your age. I think he's worried about it because he cares about me, and it makes me question the relationship also. And so when you question the relationship, what are the questions going into your mind?

I think about if I'm making the right decision by continuing the relationship. What's the rush? body? Are you on some sort of decision precipice? Is he asking you to marry him? Are you feeling like it's now or never? I don't understand. You're 21. You're just a baby girl. You're just a beautiful baby girl, and you're 21. You're just dating somebody, having a good time. Why do you feel discomfort at this point? I think I feel more discomfort because we have been talking about future things. Okay. So it's getting more serious?

Yes. Gotcha. And so here's the thing. Your dad's going to struggle with you being his child versus you being a 21-year-old adult. That's normal. Dad's loving their daughters. Dad's loving their sons. Mom's loving their sons. Moms and sons are sometimes the worst, but moms and their daughters.

You're 21, and so you're in that wackadoo area where your dad still looks at you as though you're 13. You think you're 47, and neither of those things are true, right? The other side of it is you're going to struggle with taking anyone's wisdom because you're 13, you think you're 47, and neither of those things are true, right? The other side of it is you're going to struggle with taking anyone's wisdom because you're 21, and you think you're super smart, and you've got it all figured out, and you love him, and he's so cute, and he loves God, and he loves running, and he's such a good dad, all those things, right, that make you feel good. And so if you like this guy, and you like hanging out with him, I say keep hanging out with him. If you value your dad's opinion, then break up with him.

And so when I say either of those things, what do you feel? I feel like I value my dad's opinion more. Why is that? Because I feel like he... I don't know. He's the first boyfriend I've had, and I'm just kind of... I feel like I don't really need to be dating anyone right now.

Sir, are you calling me with permission to break up with him? No. Okay. Are you calling me with permission to tell your dad, hey, I'm 21, and I like a guy, and it's a little unconventional, and y'all are old enough to be buddies, but shake it off. I like this dude, and we're just seeing where it goes. Are you calling me permission for that?

Yes, I would like to see where it goes. Okay. So distill all of your, the thoughts in your mind, whose side are you on, what team are you on, distill all that down into a single question for me.

I want to respect my dad's decisions, also finding out where this relationship can go. Sure. This dude's 35. Has he ever taken your dad out for a drink or for coffee and just hung out and said, hey, here's my intentions with dating your daughter? Have they ever just met together? He hasn't. Why not?

My boyfriend hasn't invited him to do anything like that, and my dad hasn't either. So here's what I would recommend. Number one, you're a a grown-up you can do what you want to do at some point you're gonna have wishes about your life whether it's having kids whether it's naming your child whether it's moving away out of Utah to Arkansas or to Florida or to Ireland there's going to be things that come up in your adult life that your dad has an opinion on that you're going to disagree with him. And so you're going to have to start drawing boundaries and respect your dad. Obviously, if he's a good guy, you seem to love him and he cares about you and you get that. But then at some point, you're going to have to make your own decisions as an adult. The other side of that is I just hear in your voice that you maybe think he's right on this one. And maybe you really like this guy. It's cool,

but maybe dad's right. And so I still get wisdom from my old man. I don't do everything that he tells me. In fact, I do very little of what he tells me, but I value his opinion greatly because he's seen things and he understands things. And he just got a different worldview than I do. And I like collecting different worldviews. My suggestion is if this guy really likes you, he needs to take your dad out. They need to go get a drink somewhere, go grab a beer, go grab some coffee and just get to know each other and let your dad ask him all the hard questions. Your dad, I promise you has had a million fake conversations with hard questions. Your dad, I promise you, has had a million fake conversations with this guy. If I just get him out, they've already had these

conversations over and over again in his head, just not in real life. And your boyfriend may have had these conversations with him. If he really is invested in you, he's going to be invested in your family because you marry the whole thing. And so I recommend he be a grown man. He's 35 years old. Take your dad out. Go hang out and get to know each other. And then they can have that conversation. He may come back to you and be like, hey, by the way, we're breaking up. I don't like you anymore. After meeting with your dad or your dad may come back and say, hey, this is weird. He's 14, 15 years older than you. It's not, it doesn't make me comfortable. But if that's who you like, that's who you like. And dad's going to have to deal. But at the end of the day, you're 21. You're an adult by all legal definitions, not psychologically, but you are an adult.

And at the end, you're going to start making adult decisions. And some of those decisions are going to make your dad uncomfortable. And you're going to be okay with that. But you've got my permission to do whatever you want to do. If he's a good guy and he treats you well and you are safe and you are having fun with life, then keep dating him. And if you think this isn't a good idea, my dad's got my best interest at heart, and man, I should listen to my old man, then break up with him. Or just be 21 and enjoy your life. Have fun. It's a little bit different. He's

got an 11-year-old daughter. And so there's a little more pressure there as you're dating somebody. But man, you're 21 years old. You're a kid. And I don't mean that mean, but you're a kid. Enjoy your life. Enjoy your life. Okay. Thank you so much for the call, Jessica. All right, let's go to Miranda in Los Angeles, California. Miranda, congratulations to you and your Dodgers. Big win. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me on the show, Dr. John. Hey, thank you for calling. How in the world are you? Yeah, I'm good. I just, as you know, California is kind of crazy right now with like everything political going on.

And I just wanted to call and ask you, like, I know the election's almost over, but I think just, I'm 21 years old and I was born and raised in California. And so, and I am Christian. So I do lean more towards the conservative side. But I think I was just calling because I want to ask like how do I navigate through this like and I've been having a lot of healthy conversations with people but I've been having some hard conversations too with people who don't necessarily agree with me and that is totally fine but I just want to know like how do I talk to people who just don't want to hear it at all or who don't want to sit down like adults and talk about like differences? You're not going to like my answer, but you just don't.

Yeah, if people don't want to talk to you, if they don't have any interest in being friends with somebody that thinks differently than they do or has different experiences than they do, then you just brush your shoulders off and you bounce. You know what I mean? You're just going to end up beating your head up against a wall. Give me an example of something that's happened like that. Well, so I'm a very open person.

Like, even though I am Christian and conservative, I'm like, hey, like, I want to hear you. I want to talk with you. So I'll sit down with somebody and we'll talk about it. But recently, one of my family members has gotten offended by my political view. And I know a lot of people don't agree with me, but like our president, I don't agree with everything he says, but I do like his views.

I do like his policies. So I lean more towards him. And so I was trying to tell my cousin, hey, like I liked him because of this. And I was giving her good evidence, like policies, you know? and she's like, oh, I don't want to hear it. And she called me a white supremacist. And I was like, oh, like, I am not that at all. Like, I just like the way he thinks, like I like what he's doing, you know.

And she happens to also be African-American and Mexican. So she kind of got offended and said that, like, I feel certain way towards African-American community and I don't at all. So I think that was a hard conversation and she hasn't talked to me. So I was like, okay. So I just kind of left it alone. Sure. But yeah, that's an example. So I think it's, I think it's important that at the end of the day, all you can control is you. And a way that I have adopted navigating the world, and this is new for me. This is just a few years old. And it's given me so much more empathy for the world and so much more peace in my life. And really, I think, made me a better dad and a better husband and a better community member, which is remembering that everyone around me, everyone is fighting a secret battle every day.

People have hurts in their hearts and their minds that I will never see. I will never experience. I will never know. And so when somebody says something like, you're a white supremacist, and you're thinking, no, I'm not, then you can do one of two things. You can choose to go to war with that person and put a stick in the ground and say, I'm going to die on this hill. Or you can say, man, that person has some experiences that I don't understand. That person's hurting. And I know that I'm not, but I also know that going to war with somebody doesn't change their heart. It just ends with a couple of bodies on the ground. And so instead of going to war, I'm just going to love that person. Or maybe once the smoke clears on that particular argument, I'm going to circle back and say,

hey, walk me through what you meant by white supremacist, because I don't see myself that way. And does that make sense? And I know we're talking about an egregious thing here, but these kind of conversations have been going on for years and years and years, and they feel like they're at an apex. They're probably not, but everything feels so divisive. Everything from what car you drive and where you live and what you wear and what you listen to, all of it has become so divisive. And so trying to solve what's in the heart and mind of somebody else, you just can't do.

You are more than entitled to your beliefs and your opinions. That's what this great country is founded on, right? And that comes with the understanding that she does too. And other people can choose to not like you. That's totally fair. It hurts, but it's totally fair. Other people can choose to say your beliefs make you fill in the blank. They may not be true. They may not represent what's in your heart and mind, but we're in a place where people have free speech and they're allowed to do that too.

We've reached this madness apex where we're trying to control what other people think and what they say, and it's just gotten insane. It's gotten nuts, right? And so at the end of the day, you can just control you. And the best thing you can do for the folks around you is just to respond in love, right? That's the lever you've got. Or you respond with a hammer. And I'll just tell you, people who respond with hammers often look like idiots. They don't solve the problem. They just make it worse, right? They just bring gasoline to a firework show, right?

It just doesn't make any sense. And so be open to listening to other people's perspectives. Invite other perspectives into your heart and mind. I think that's so important, man. And if someone doesn't want to be your friend, they don't want to be your friend. Right? Yeah, absolutely. I think I just had a hard time with it too because she is older than me.

She's someone I've looked to for her experiences because she is a hard worker. She has a degree. She has done great for herself. But just a certain decision she's made in her life i just don't agree with and that's okay you know and i've invited her to look into the bible and talk with her and sit with her and even when she was being rude to me like over like text message all i kept saying was i love her you know sure but i just think like in that situation it was fine like it didn't really hurt me but i was just like disappointed, you know? Yeah.

And I think when someone's attacking you, when you're trying to like say you love them, it's like, wait, what? Well, you brought forth a really important point. Having any sort, I want everyone listening to this to hear this, having any sort of delicate, nuanced, or even angry conversation, any sort of robust dialogue back and forth over text message is clinically insane. It's just ridiculous and dumb and stupid and pointless and idiotic. And I'm trying to think of all the words I can just writing off top of my head. It's just madness. Don't do it. Right. Call somebody on the phone. If you want to talk politics, call them on the phone or sit with them in person. And if you're in Los Angeles, I think you probably have to be outside with a hazmat suit on whatever that looks like for you. But have that conversation in person. Have it in person. Don't do it in text because here's why.

She may have been laughing the whole time. She may absolutely know you're not a white supremacist, and she's texting that because she's just trying to be funny. And you heard it in a way that hurts. Now, maybe not, probably not. But when you lose all context, when you just strip it away with thumbs and zeros and ones, zeros and ones, zeros and ones, right? Yeah. If I can say those, you're shouting profanity at me. Well and ones, zeros and ones, right? Yeah. Yeah. If I can say those, you're shouting profanity at me.

Well, there's always that too, right? So clearly she may have been upset. But so much of that is mitigated when you have in-person conversations. When two people who disagree are sitting around a table, when two people are sitting around a blanket in a park somewhere. Two people are going for a walk together. That's when you have real conversations. That's why the digital interactions have just jumped the shark. They're not even real anymore. It's insanity.

So, yeah, I would, with all of my heart and mind and soul, Miranda, I'd recommend you call her, say, hey, let's have a conversation in person. I'd love to get together. I'll buy the coffee. I don't even know if you're allowed to drink coffee in California anymore. But if you are, I'm just kidding. I'm just being ridiculous. But, yeah, grab coffee and you all get together and then talk about these differences and say, hey, you said this.

And walk me through what you meant by that and let them explain. If you call somebody to have coffee and you're just ready, geared up, you have all these imaginary, ugly conversations and you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I'm going to tell her this and I'm going to tell her this, man, then you're going in there for a fight. She'll feel it. She'll respond with a fight and that meeting will be completely useless and pointless. So all you can control is you. When somebody doesn't agree with you, somebody has a different opinion than you, you can control you. And so just assume that other people have different experiences than you, different perspectives. Don't assume everyone around you is dumb. I've got a group of guys right now that I've known for years and years and years.

And we have some text threads that we exchange. We've got some articles that we go back and forth. It's Michael and Kevin, two guys that I love love and I give permission to speak into my life. And we disagree on a lot of stuff. But I also know beneath those disagreements, those are two guys that love their families. They love their country. They love their neighborhood. They love their church. They love the least of these in their communities. And they work really, really hard at their jobs.

They're good, solid men. And that means we're anchored in and now we can repel off the side in an exchange of ideas, in exchange of disagreements. And we're all going to do that safely. And we're all going to do that with character and with love. And I also want to challenge everybody to do this. You only learn from people who have different ideas than you. And if you just seek a constant stream of confirmation about what you already believe, about what you already think you know, you are not stretching yourself. You are not learning. It's like going to the gym and lifting weights that you know you can already lift.

You're never going to get stronger. You're never going to get in better shape. You're never going to get more fit. You're just going to become this echo chamber of opinions that don't go anywhere. So here's a couple of my rules. Rule number one, have friends that think differently than you do. Have friends that look differently than you do. Have friends, and I'm not talking about acquaintances. I'm talking about close friends that sit at your table that live differently than you. Because you're going to find out that most of the time there's a shared humanity that is much greater than any difference you're going to have. Much, much greater. You're also going to realize that some of your opinions that you hold so tight and so dear to are wrong.

They're just incorrect. And sometimes if you're like me, you're going to have to look backwards at a wake of people that you have hurt over the years, or you've given incorrect information to over the years. And you're going to have to apologize in your heart. If you still know those people, you're going to apologize to them. And you have to work really hard to do better. You have to really, really hard to do better. Maya Angelou says, do the best you can. And then when you know more, then go do better. And the only way you can know more is by being around people who think differently than you do. The second thing is read different things. Read books that challenge you. If you are entrenched in this position, find a book. Find – not articles because those can be nonsensical sometimes.

Find – books can too, but find respected literature. Find fiction. Find things that make you uncomfortable politically, ideologically, and read them. Read them. And some of it is drivel. Some of it is just nonsense. It's just vomit on old sheets of paper, right? But some of it really will challenge you, and it will cause you to go back to your original sources.

So if you're a person of faith, whatever your faith trajectory is, it's going to go back to your – whether it's the Bible or the Koran. You have to look at that and say, hmm, I thought this, the science is saying this, this author gives a compelling argument. Let me go back and see if I read this wrong or if I felt this wrong. I'm going to go back and call people. I meet with one or two people every single week and say, hey, I had these thoughts this week.

I don't know if they're right. You're wise. You're studied in these areas. Let's dig in. But the point is I intentionally put myself with ideas that I don't agree with that are different from me because that's the only way I'm going to learn. That's why when I go to the gym at my house, I constantly am adding heavier weight so that I can get

stronger. I'm constantly looking up wackier workout programs so that I can get more limber. My body can move better as I get older. I'm constantly trying to find people who are parenting better than me, who are being better husbands than me. I want to surround myself with people who are doing things different so I can grow. You've got to do that too. Get out of the echo chambers.

In our phones, our news cycles, our digital media, it's built to give us just the things that we already think. So you've got to be intentional about reading things that you disagree with, about listening to things you disagree with, about reading, about being around people you disagree with, and you're going to find yourself a more robust person. Trust me. Just do it. Do it, do it, do it. And make sure you seek wise counsel because when you are not a person of ideas that will GK chest chesters and quote, when you're not a person of ideas, any new ideas sound sexy and cool and like, woo, let's go jump into this one, right?

Man, there's so many when it comes to diet and nutrition and climate, there's all, oh, it's going to be this and everybody just jumps off this. And then the scientists are like, hey, that's not really accurate. We're over here. So have wise people, right? Have wise people who are learned. They know what they're talking about and not somebody who just reads a couple of editorials or a couple of clickbait things on Yahoo News or whatever. But be around wise people who think differently than you.

I'm going to quit ranting on that because I talk about that all day. All right. Let's go to – let's see here. Yeah, we've got time for one more call. Let's go to Michelle in San Francisco. Michelle, good morning. Good morning. How are you? Oh, great. How are you? I am so good. And you guys have been through the absolute ringer out there the past few months. How's it been? Well, yeah, that's why I'm calling it. Okay. Oh, man. I actually, yeah, I live up in the Napa Valley and my cottage burned in the last fire. Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

Yeah. Yuck. So you lost everything, huh? Correct. Yes, I did. Gross. Now, the good news is, from a financial perspective, I'm okay. I had renter's insurance, emergency fund, and all that stuff. But I'm pretty stressed out still. kind of going through, especially when we continue to have fire danger here. Yep. So during those weather events, I'm very stressed out. So just reaching out about that. So will you do me a huge favor? Yeah. I want you to, when we hang up this phone, I want you to close your eyes and take as deep a breath as you can and hold it for us, like a count of one, a count of two, a count of three, and then let it out.

Yeah. And then just say, thank you, body, for trying to take care of me. Yeah. Because that stress you feel, that panicky anxiousness is your body saying, whoa, we just went through a major trauma. That trauma is still happening all around us. We should probably get out of here and go to Kansas, right? And the other part of your brain is like, we like Napa Valley. It's beautiful here when it's not on fire.

We have our friends and our community here. We're not going to Kansas, but there is a part of your brain that's telling you to run, right? You've heard the fight, flight, or freeze, and it's telling you to get out of here, get out of here, get out of here. And it's just doing what it's supposed to do. When you, when your cottage caught fire, was, were you guys part of, you know, the hanging on, hanging on, and then all of a sudden you got to be out of here in 30 minutes and go to the next place. And then you're at a shelter and then you got to go to the next place and the next place. Was it, were you in one of those caravans? Correct. Yeah. Like I, I actually, the fire started just a few miles from my place.

So I actually saw the fire start and then I would evacuate to the next place and then the fire would go there and then I would evacuate to the next place and the fire would go there. So it took a few evacuations to get me to a place where there was no fire. Yeah. And so this, so understand, I'm going to unpack this with you, understand the depth of the trauma you experienced. Okay. Few things are as important to us as our home, even a rented home. That's our dwelling. That's our safe place. That's when our body, our shoulders automatically dropped when we walk in that door. And you had what I would call a full

assault trauma, which, and that's not a clinical term. I just made that up, but you got to see it. You got to smell it. When fires like that, if you've never been around them before to the other listeners of this podcast, you can hear it, right? Everyone's yelling, there's sirens, there's flashing lights, every sensory overload you could experience you did. Right.

And then you went to a safe place that suddenly wasn't safe and a safe place. It wasn't safe. And you just kept running, running, running. I want you to cut yourself some slack. You're going to have to reconnect with your body over, over time. Okay. I think you're going to be okay. I really do. Most people, most of the time, their body and their hearts and minds and their communities, they all heal together. Okay? So rest in that. But that anxiousness, that unease, that is totally, totally normal. That's your heart and mind trying to take care of you.

And thankfully, it works in you. It's annoying, but thankfully, it works for you. Okay? Here's a couple of things I would recommend. Do you have a community there in Napa? Yeah, I've got some great friends who have been super supportive. Oh, that's so cool. The family I work for who owns a winery, they've been super supportive.

That's so cool. Okay. So I want you to get a group of people together. When is the fire season slow down? Is it the next month or so? Correct. Yeah, probably in 30 days. Okay. So let's pick a time right before Thanksgiving or between Thanksgiving and Christmas. And I want you to get a group of people together that you love and that you trust.

And I want you to have a funeral for your house. Okay. Interesting. I want you to have an actual ceremony, whether you've saved some stuff, whether you were able to go back to the wreckage and you went through it and you got some old sticks or something. I want you to have a funeral for what you lost. And what that's going to do for you, but more importantly for your body, is going to give you a touchstone. It's going to give you a period at the end of that sentence. And from that, you're going to be able to begin to heal and grow to whatever's going to come next. But until you have a period at the end of that sentence, you're going to have that low level burn of anxiety that never stops.

When people experience human tragedy, like they lose a loved one, they lose a child, it's so hard to have this. You have the a child. It's so hard to have this, you have the funeral, but it's so hard to have the actual closure moment because it's saying goodbye. And we so don't want to say goodbye to those that we love. And so what you're going to have to do is say goodbye. And you've got to do that in a community. Okay. You've got to have people around you that you love, that you can be sad together. You can be scared together, and then beautifully you're going to rebuild together too. And then expect this. My buddy, two of my dearest friends in the world, Eric and Danielle, they were in the Nashville tornadoes back in March right before COVID hit, which seems like a thousand years ago.

Their home is being rebuilt now. And Eric has talked about walking through as they're rebuilding the house and he just burst into tears. And there's a phenomenal book on trauma called The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. We'll link to it in the show notes. But it talks about trauma pockets itself away in the corners of your heart and your mind

and your body and your feet and your legs and your back, all kind of weird places. And that's not woo-woo. That's actual science. But expect over the next year, over the next two years, you're just going to have big exhales. And you're going to have moments when you're just walking and all of a sudden you start crying and you don't know why. You're going to walk into your new rent home and it's going to be safe and beautiful and you're going to see your closet. You're just going to burst into tears.

You're not going to know why. Be graceful with my friend, Michelle, okay? That's just you healing. And don't over-expect too much from yourself right now. You're right smack in the middle of it. Fires are still burning, right? You're still in it. And just trust yourself and know that you're loved, man.

And I'm so glad you have good friends. That's so cool. So cool that you got a community. Oh, yeah, wonderful. Wonderful people, yeah. Well, thank you so much. I so appreciate it. No, thank you for calling me and for trusting me.

I absolutely am heartbroken that you lost everything. That sucks. Absolutely sucks. Losing your home is so devastating. It's so – it's ultra traumatic. But thank you for trusting me with what your next wobbly crooked step is going to be. But honor yourself. Know that your brain is just trying to take care of you.

It continues to smell danger and see danger and feel danger. And you felt danger at its most visceral sense. You lost everything. And then that felt like that fire was coming from you. And then hold a funeral for what you lost, an actual ceremony for what you lost, and then do it with friends. And then just give yourself grace over the next six months, next year, next two years as you heal from this.

And that healing is going to come all over you in all kinds of weird places and make sure you got people around you. That's awesome, Michelle. We are rooting for you and your whole community as y'all rebuild as you come back together and you build a future together. So as we wrap up today's show,

I want to end it with, man, I feel like I've lied Every show up until now This is the best This is the best This Ladies and gentlemen This is the single greatest Artist of all time

She produced one masterpiece She was on several other masterpieces But she produced one masterpiece And she squeaked it in Just under the wire Right before the turn of the century right before everything just started falling apart in late 1990s in 1998 on her unbelievable world-class greatest record of all time the miseducation of Lauryn Hill. Lauryn Hill opens the record with an extraordinary track, Lost Ones. And in that poetic masterpiece, she says the following.

Now, now, how come your talk turned cold? Gained the whole world for the price of your soul. Trying to grab hold of what you can't control. Now you're all floss. What a sight to behold. What? I was hopeless. Now I'm on hope road. Every man want to act like he's exempt. Need to get down on his knees and repent.

Can't slick talk on a day of judgment. Your movement similar to a serpent. What? Tried to play straight. How's your whole, how your whole style bent? Consequence is no coincidence. Hypocrites always want to play innocent. Ladies and gentlemen, that is the one and only Miss Lauren Hill, and this is the Dr. John Deloney Show. show.