The Dr. John Delony Show - Need Help Fixing a Strained Relationship?

Episode Date: September 14, 2020

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that gives you real talk on life, relationships and mental health challenges. Through humor, grace and grit, John gives you the tools you need to cut through the chaos of anxiety, depression and disconnection. You can own your present and change your future—and it starts now. So, send us your questions, leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291, or email [e-mail]. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   I have a strained relationship with father-in-law Meme: Where's Vanilla Ice when we need him? We want to adopt our nephews What does John think about "cancel culture" How do I cope after a traumatic c-section? Lyrics of the day: "I'm Just an Old Chunk Of Coal" - Billy Joe Shaver   tags: in-laws, relationship, immaturity, vanilla ice, adoption, family, cancel culture, trauma, pregnancy   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Hey, what's up, good folks? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Today we are talking about adoption, heartbreak, trauma, cancel culture, immature in-laws, and vanilla ice. It's 2020, man. We I'm John, and this is Dr. John Deloney's show. It's a color-driven show. We're talking to real people about real problems in real life. And what kind of problems? We're talking about relationships, relational IQ, boyfriends and girlfriends, trauma, mental health issues. We're talking about that person who goes to the drive-thru at Starbucks and they order for the whole office and it takes like 11 hours. Here's the thing. Get out of your car and make the oh so treacherous journey inside.

The people inside Starbucks are kind and lovely. They have this community. They want to be there. They're so wonderful. Go inside and don't buy for your office in the drive-thru. Anyway, if you want honesty, you want a second opinion, you want to tell me about your neighbor, or you just want advice worth what you're paying for it. I'm here to walk with you. So give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or you can email me at askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. And here's the deal.

Here's how it works. If you call the number, you're going to leave a message. You're going to leave a number where we can reach you. And Kelly Daniels is going to call you back and get you scheduled for the show. And if you shoot me an email, leave your name, leave your number, tell me what's going on. And again, Kelly will reach out and we'll be in contact to get you on the show. We've got a packed house today. And so we're going to start with Gracie in Oklahoma City. Gracie, welcome to the Dr. John Deloney show. How are you? I am so good, Dr. John. How are you? I am excellent. Excellent. How can I help? Well, I think you're the guy to talk to. I have a stressed relationship with my father-in-law and I don't want it to be that way, but, um, tell me about it. So we had a come to Jesus meeting about a year ago. And, uh, even after, even after apologies, I still, I still just feel awkward. I still feel, um, it just, maybe not all the gears are greased. The gears are greased. Who needed to come, the gears are greased.

That's a very Oklahoma reference. So I want to high five you here from Nashville. Who needed to come to Jesus? Um, so I think he and I both, um, maybe we just, we have mismatching personalities or maybe we have the same personality and it clashes. But, um, so when I, I got married in 2015 and we moved, um, to go work with, um, my in-laws and, um, I mean, I was homesick and, and so I wasn't, I wasn't just ready. I feel like I didn't fit the mold from the beginning, um, of what my father-in-law had in mind. And so,

we spent way too much time together over the four years we were there. And the reason the Come to Jesus meeting happened, my father-in-law was complaining to my husband, and my husband said, y'all need to talk and so that's how this happened and whoa whoa whoa hold on i'm sorry your father-in-law told your husband that he didn't like you or didn't like your behavior or whatever and your husband told you honey you need to go talk to my dad no no no no okay hold his dad he stood up to his dad for me. Okay. Good for you. That's a good Oklahoma guy right there. There we go. I've got a great husband. I do. Okay. Very, very cool. All right. I was about to come out of my little chair here in Nashville.

Okay. That's good. And so y'all had that conversation. How'd it go? It ended, it resolved. We put everything out on the table and, um, he said, sorry, I said, sorry. And although I wasn't feeling negative towards him about the things, he was misinterpreting my face. So a grown father, a 50- or 60-year-old man, needed an apology from his new daughter-in-law because he doesn't like the way her face looks when she is having a neutral stare? I'm laughing, but I'm just trying to get to the bottom of it.

It is childish. Okay. But it was four years of, I mean, there were some things that were very petty. And instead of maybe talking about it, hey, this bothered me from the beginning, it built up over time and kind of exploded in this come to Jesus meeting. Okay. So fast forward me to right now. So we said our sorries.

Today, what bothers me is whenever it's his daughter's birthday or his other daughter-in-law's birthday, he just loves them differently than he does me. And it's okay if I'm not his favorite person he just loves them differently than he does me. And it's okay if I'm not his favorite person in the world, but it just hurts me. And I have bitterness and I see his outpour of love. He does it on Facebook. You're so wonderful. You're a great addition to this family. And I love you so much. And I don't get that. And I don't want to be bitter. But that time of year of their birthdays, it just, it really hurts me. Yeah. So I'm not going to break any new news to you, but I'll put it directly. You've got a very immature father-in-law.

And it sounds like you've got a wonderful husband, a good guy. You did well. But his dad is immature. And at the end of the day, you can't be mature with immature. You've got to just walk away from it. And I know that puts you in an awkward position because you're a daughter-in-law as a part of a family unit. And so when I say walk away, that doesn't mean that you turn around and act immature and say things like, I don go to birthday parties i don't go to those kind of things but that means you just don't check facebook that means maybe you don't even follow the dude on facebook like just a few years ago we all interacted in the real world and we weren't in the room with

each other then we just didn't know what was going on and so you may need to return to those places because now at this point you've got to do the things that protect you and your marriage. And what happens is if you reach out and try to check on the status of that relationship, how is he talking to his daughter? How is he talking to his other daughter-in-law? That puts bitterness in your heart. And at the end of the day, I'm going to put that on you for choosing to go pick that bitterness up and shove it in your own backpack, right? To pick it up and shove it in your heart. Don't do that because then you turn and look at this awesome husband that you have, this awesome household that you have, and this community of friends and church folks, whatever world you have created for yourself and you're continuing to create for yourself, and you're just bringing that bitterness and poison with you. So I'm just gonna tell you don't. And at some point he may grow up,

probably not, probably not. And it is super unfair. It's, it's immature of me to lump West Texas guys of which I was one for 20 years. Um, Oklahoma guys of which I've got a number of close friends. There's just this bravado, this, hey, yeah, and this is the way this is, this way it's always going to be. And you know what? There's just nothing you can do to change that. I've got close, close friends who wrestle with their dads on this same issue. I've got close friends who have wrestled with me on my attitude about that issue.

So it is what it is, what it is, what it is. At this point, what you can control is you. You can continue to be mature. You continue to be respectful and kind. Treat the man with dignity. Don't be a jerk. Don't stoop to his nonsensical, immature level, right? But at the same time, man, stop going to the well because you're just going to get poisoned out of it. You're just going to get poisoned out of it. And backing up, all father-in-laws out there, all mother-in-laws out there,

you had a magic little picture. You had this little picture when you held your little baby and they were sweet and beautiful and kind and all the things. And you had the magic rocking chair that you rocked them in. You probably didn't rock them, but you think you did. And you have all these images. And then they bring home some knucklehead or they bring home some girl with brown hair instead of blonde hair, or they bring home some guy who's got long hair instead of wranglers on, whatever the thing is. that is your problem to solve you in-laws need to love your kids and love the person that you raised them to do raised them to be love them because that's your problem and here's the thing

about problems 2020 is full of problems parents are full full of problems. Everyone's got problems. And I was thinking about my problems the other day, and Kelly Daniels sent me this phenomenal text. I was in the middle of reading medical journals, articles, trying to get smarter for this podcast show. Helping me get smarter is a long, treacherous road, right? It's a long journey through my thick skull. And I couldn't get past this one problem I was trying to wrap my head around.

Like America's got problems. Like in-laws have problems. And Kelly Daniel, the oracle that she is, sends me a text. And she reminded me of wisdom I learned in sixth grade. And it was this. I was told that if I had a problem, yo, he'd solve it. I just needed to check out the hook while the DJ revolved it.

Vanilla Ice, man, where are you, dude? You said you would solve all of our problems. 2020 sucks. The world's falling apart. We have father-in-laws who treat their daughter-in-laws like garbage because of the way they look at their face, their facial expression. Listen, Ice, brother, you told me that sometimes there are girlies on standby waiting just to say hi.

But no, you've got to just hit the gas and drive by to go solve the problems. Ice, we're waiting for you, man. We are waiting for you. Okay, let's go to Robert in Orlando. I'm going to stop right there. Robert in Orlando, brother, what is up? Hey, John. Thanks for having me on. Thank you, good man, for calling. How can I help? So my wife and I are looking at adopting my nephews, but there's a bigger complication. Yes, the first word that popped in my head when you said, we're thinking of adopting nephews,

I just thought, that's complicated. So unwind it for us, man. All right. So it's technically my cousins, but they are my great aunt who is in her 70s, adopted two young boys, are seven and five. And there was some very serious family issues with the kids before she adopted them. Who's their parents? Who's their parents? They are both out of the picture. One mother died. The father isn't there oh so these so this your 70 year old great aunt wasn't picking up like two kids that were in the family

she just went out and adopted two kids on her own oh no no they were in they were in her family but there was drug issues there were okay all right i'm just making sure that she didn't just get like emotional one day and watch the right video and just decide you right i'm just making sure that she didn't just get like emotional one day and watch the right video and just decide you know i'm gonna go no i'm gonna get myself two toddlers or two young kids okay okay right no no so she did a really noble thing which is she stepped in in a gap of someone in the family who wasn't living up to their their parent responsibility she picked up a five-year-old and a and how old you say five and a seven-year-old five and a seven and seven yep well she's? Five and a? Seven-year-old. Five and a seven.

Five and a seven, yep. Well, she's had them since they were babies. Okay, okay. In her house since they were babies. And then because of other issues in the family, she just adopted them. Okay. So she's a gangster, right? She's awesome. Oh, she is amazing, right? What a stud. What a stud woman. Okay. She's amazing. But, you know, her being in that age, her health is starting to decline.

Sure. You know, there's some issues. So I am, my wife and I have been discussing with her for the last, I don't know, four or five years, that when and if something happens, we would gladly begin the process of taking in the boys and start introducing them into our family because we are probably the best option. However, she has a live-in helper now who was also part of this situation in that she was the girlfriend of her son, of my aunt's son, right? And so now her son is no longer in the picture. So do this for me, Robert.

We are quickly turning into the Jerry Springer podcast, so let's like zero it in for me. You guys are going to get these or want to pick up these two beautiful kids. We want to pick up these two kids. Okay. But we're worried that the current long-time keeper is introducing some new tradition or whispering in her ear that she would be the better option. But we're worried because she doesn't have any jobs, she doesn't have any long-term goals, doesn't even look like she has a driver's license at the moment.

And so we're a little worried about that side of it. So have you, are you and your wife, if your great aunt came and said today, I'm ready to pull the trigger, would y'all be ready to take them today? 100%. We've even got a bedroom ready. Have y'all done the home study and you all be ready to take them today? 100%. We've even got a bedroom ready. Have you all done the home study and you're all ready to rock and roll?

We haven't completed the home study, but we've started the process. Okay. All right. So the second thing is, when's the last time you sat down seriously and said, we're ready? Well, we tried to on Sunday. Okay. Tell me about that conversation. Okay. So, so that conversation was, uh, we sat down with her. We said, Hey, we want to start looking at our long-term options here because we're also in a, in, you know, financial position to possibly start buying a house and all of that. And we want to know what the best options are going to be for us.

And then that's when she told us, hey, this person is actually going to be the one that's probably going to take in the boys. Okay. So here's the hard news there. If that's what the legal guardian wants to do with those boys, that's what's going to happen. Right. That's heartbreaking and hard. And you guys can go to court and try to sue over it and try to get an attorney that will disparage and blow up the home caregiver's life and all that. Or you and your wife can begin the painful, harsh process of grieving the loss of what you thought the future picture of your life was going to look like and start reimagining it.

Or if this person is a chump, right, this caregiver is, like you said, has got no job, has got no driver's license, has no ambition, just wants power, just wants to take these two kids as though they're pets, then it's just going to delay your – they're moving to your house anyway at some point. Right. But it doesn't sound like you guys have a lot of leverage other than to deal with the heartbreak that's going to be inside your house. Do you feel pretty committed that your great aunt has just made this decision and it's over? I don't know.

Like I said, her health has declined, and I think she's just trying to move forward as quickly as possible in the event of an emergency. Okay. So tell me this. Do you want those kids to live with you? Absolutely. Do you want to be the parent of those kids? Absolutely. Okay. So this morning, I've got a number of friends and it's a heartbreaking season. COVID has just done a number on relationships across the country. I've got a

number of friends whose marriages are in wacky, rocky places. And I was talking to one particular friend this morning, and she was walking me through a series of situations that she's stuck in right now. And I told her, you must go fight for your kids. And I want to encourage you the best you can. And when I say fight, don't go be ridiculous and don't go be immature. Fighting for you in this situation is setting up a dinner this week with your great aunt. Either go to her house if she's not mobile or invite her off-site. Get her out of the house, out of the picture, and tell her, hey, I'm uncomfortable with the conversation we had on Sunday.

My wife and I are ready to buy a house. We have started the home study process. We've been in those boys' lives. And we want to, in no uncertain terms, we want to adopt those kids. We want them to be ours. We want them to move to our home. You've done an extraordinary, heroic job getting them from being a toddler to now, and we are ready to take over. And we'd love to have you come over all the time and still be super involved in their life as long as your health can handle that.

But I think at this point, you got to be aggressive and go out and say, this is what I want. And then put her on the spot and say, no, I've chosen somebody else. And then, does that make sense? And then you and your wife get some clarity, and then you all know. And again, I'm not going to discourage you from going to get a lawyer. If you think this other person's bad and the kids are going to be in bad shape or bad health, go do what you need to do. If you think that's more you looking in the mirror and saying, I would be better than this person,

then that's your own baggage that you've got to deal with, right? Right. But at the end of the day, I want you to go fight for your kids if that's who you – I mean, if you think they're your kids and you are setting up a home for those kids, then go fight for them. Go tell your great aunt, nope, I don't like how that conversation went. They're ours. I want them to be ours.

We're ready to adopt, ready to pull the trigger right now. Okay. How does that sound? Yes. Yeah, that does give me at least something that will give me some more clarity. Okay. So that's what I need is to know yes or no. And then, like you said, if I need to grieve that that's not what our life is going to take us, then I need to grieve that.

Okay. And here's the deal. Grieving is going to look like this. Grieving is going to look like you and your wife and probably some close friends, maybe some people from your church, maybe some people from your softball league, and that's you coming over to your house, inviting them over, and you all have a ceremony, a small miniature get-together that says, a collective funeral, a collective grieving moment for what wasn't.

Having a ceremony is so important to mark something, a moment of our life was going one way and it is now suddenly going another way. And having those markers there puts a time stamp in it, puts a flag in the ground, and it becomes an important touchstone down the road when you can remember this is the moment when we said regardless of what happened, life's going left, life's going right, and we thought it was going straight. And it just gives you this tether to then you can begin the painful, awful struggle of planning on what tomorrow is going to bring, right? Do you go back to the adoption agency? Do you have biological kids? Whatever your story is going to unfold down the road, right? But it gives you a touchstone moment. So make sure when you grieve this, you grieve it with a ceremony. And then you're probably going to get somebody to walk alongside you and your wife as you all transition from one thing to another. But I honestly don't want to go there yet.

Robert, I want you to go have that conversation with your great aunt. I want you to look her in the eye and say, those are my kids. We want them to be ours. We are ready to pull the trigger right now. And we want you to be a part of their life, even though they're going to start transitioning and moving in with us and put her on the spot and see what she says. She may just surprise you. Okay. So thanks for the call, Robert. I want to transition over to an email. Man, this one's a good one. This is an email from Greg. It's one sentence.

Usually emails are stories. They're long and they are drawn out. This is quick and to the point. Greg asks, can you tell me, Dr. D, how you feel about the cancel culture. How do I feel about the cancel culture? Man, here we go, Greg. Here's what I think about the cancel culture. I think, number one, I think this idea that we go dredging through minutes, years, decades of people's lives, trying to find the worst things they have done, the stupid things they have said, the times they fell down when getting on a bike.

And we drag that stuff up to the front. We drag that up to the now. And we hold them accountable for things they did when they were children, when they were younger, when they were immature, when society said, here's a different story, here's a different narrative. I think that's dangerous. I think that's unfounded. And I think that's ridiculous, quite honestly. I love the idea of education. I've been a teacher for 20 something years. I love the idea of growing. That's the whole reason I do what I do. I love mental health. I love

being a part of counseling and coaching sessions. I love these calls here because here's why. I love mental health. I love being a part of counseling and coaching sessions. I love these calls here because here's why. I love the idea of somebody going down a road and somebody showing them, hey, that hurts. That's painful. That is not helpful. And then giving people the opportunity and the tools to go, oh man, I'm so sorry. Let me help. Let me move. Let me shift. Because the one thing that is sure to shove people's hearts and their actual motives and their ability to change who they are way underground is to let them know the moment you pop your head above ground, I'm going to cut it off. The moment I find you said something way long ago, I'm coming for you. I want people in my life to have scars. I want them to have said,

you know what? I used to think this joke was funny. For years, I thought it was funny. And then somebody looked me in the eye and said, this hurts. This is painful. This sucks. And if you say this again, dot, dot, dot, and then give people the opportunity to say, I am sorry. Never again. Never again. But this idea of one strike and you're out, and it's one strike retroactively, I just think it's painful. It's dangerous. It's a really scary movement for our culture in general.

It's not a grace-filled way of moving forward. But that said, if you are an idiot, if you've got things in your past that you need to repent of, that you need to come out and say, dude, I used to think these jokes were funny. I used to treat people like this. I used to fill in the blank. You've got to decide to be different, right? And my rule of thumb is, man, if I say something offensive, if I say something that I didn't mean to, if I say something that hurts somebody and they come let me know, hey, listen, listen, the way you say this, man, that hurts a whole swath of people. That's not cool. Or your idea on how to deal with whatever issue, that's actually not factually correct. It's the way to do it is like this.

Then I get to choose to grow or then I get to choose to go to war. And my hope is that people will shift their default setting and choose growth instead. But man, if it is cancel, if it is, I can't wait to find something about you so I can end you. I just, I think that's a dangerous trajectory for all of us. And it's not fundamentally helpful. It just shoves all the nonsense, nonsense underground. It just makes it all, I don't know, it makes everybody go silent. It makes everybody go dark. And that is not how you heal things. You heal things in the light. You heal things with openness. You heal things with vulnerability. You heal things with forgiveness and pardon. And so Greg, that's what I think about cancer culture. I'm not a fan of it. I think it's got a dangerous trajectory

and it's a scary place to go. And it's really forcing a lot of our smartest, most extraordinary minds and thinkers to just keep their mouths shut, to just not say anything because it's not worth the risk, man. It's not worth the risk. And that's not helpful for anybody. We need more poets. We need more songwriters. We need more thinkers. We need more scientists. We need more people questioning and asking hard questions and being able to say things. And yes, we were all stupid when we were kids. That's why we were – that's why the society as large has said, you know what? Let's don't let 16-year-olds buy cigarettes because they don't make good decisions, right? That's why we don't let 18-year-olds buy guns, right? Or buy beer. Because they're 18, they don't make great decisions. We'll give them $150,000 to go to college. We do do that. That's stupid. But we have as a society have said, hey, you know what? Brains aren't totally formed yet. We do let 35-year-olds and 40-year-olds go to grad school. Why? Because they're capable of learning new things and changing the way they see the world.

And so let's give people the opportunity to grow and learn and change their heart and mind. So, Greg, man, you can tell I could probably do a whole show on cancel culture someday. But that's my thoughts on that. All right, let's go back to the phones. Let's go to Sarah in Toronto, Canada. Sarah, good morning from the United States. How are we doing? Good morning.

Hi, Dr. John. Thanks so much for taking my call. Thank you for calling. How can I help you this morning? Okay, so I went through a really traumatic C-section about 15 months ago, so I'm having a hard time. Oh, man, I'm having a hard time. Oh, man. I'm so sorry.

Yeah. So about, like I said, 15 months ago, I went into labor. Everything seemed fine at first. This was my second child. Towards the 10-hour mark, they noticed his heart rate dropping fast, and they weren't sure what was wrong with him. And they just made the quick decision to rush me into the OR. So I didn't really have time to process this whole thing. Um, when they started, um, I felt everything about my C-section. I felt them cutting. I felt sorry, it's hard for me to talk about, but, um, I felt them cutting. I felt them moving my organs. I felt everything. I remember pleading with the anesthesiologist, pleading with my husband.

He was in the room. He was having a hard time hearing me because I was just so weak. I remember going in and out of consciousness, blacking out a lot. I felt like I was having panic attacks while I was having the surgery. The whole thing lasted about eight minutes. And towards the end, they finally drug me up with something. I just knocked out for hours. So now, you know, a little over a year, I just get really intense flashbacks. Thankfully, they're not daily. I can look at my son, I can see my scar, and I'm not traumatized daily, but I get the random flashbacks and I just don't know how to

move past. And it brings up a lot of anxiety for future surgeries, a lot of fear attached to it as well. That was my first ever surgery. And I just don't know how I would handle the thought of having another one or having more kids in case I need another c-section um so I just would like if you have any advice to um to give yeah there's a lot here first and foremost that sucks nobody should ever have to go through that and I want you to know, that's not the way it's supposed to be. And I hate that you went through that. Okay. I want you to hear that. The second thing is, is one of my little throwaway lines, my little, I don't know, they're little Pinterest-y quotes that don't mean a whole lot, actually mean something in this moment. And anxiety is fear of the future right it's this this inability to

control what's what's happening um especially what come what may we don't know what's going to happen tomorrow the next day or the next day in your case this transcends anxiety this is true fear because you have been in a situation where you lost control and the people that we all as a community, as a culture, trust to take care of us in those moments, medical professionals, they failed you. Okay? And I don't think they failed you on purpose. I don't think anybody ceases – I mean enters those moments to do that. But the goal there is just to protect you and to protect that baby. And thankfully, they were there to protect that baby and thankfully they were there

to help that baby and to take care of that baby but man you had surgery performed on you without anesthesia and you remember it and so these flashbacks are ways that your body reminds you to never let that happen again and that's the work that you need to do. Have you gone to see somebody? I know a lot of my family members have told me to speak with my doctors, speak with the therapist. I think my fear with that is I don't want to be put in a dark place. I don't know. I know it's going to be a journey. I know it's not going to be a one quick fix, one session I can go to. So I know I need to go through it for a while. And I just, my mind, I'm not sure if I can handle that.

I know that's what you need to do, but it's just hard to think of speaking about it often and going to that dark place often. But yeah, I know I need to speak with someone. So here's the thing. With an acute trauma like this, and acute means like a laser beam or a razor. Think about it very sharp and direct, okay? With an acute trauma, the exit is often not as lengthy and painful as you think it might be. You are right.

You're going to have to go there. If you find a great therapist who can do things like EMDR or I've seen some neat stuff with brain spotting, even TFCBT, which is trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy, it's usually for children, but in moments like this can be really powerful. You're not talking a whole bunch of sessions. You're talking about 10 or 11, and those sessions are broken up in how to talk to yourself, how to learn to self-regulate when those thoughts pop in your head. And then you go through that trauma again, and then you go out the back end of it. And there's a remarkable cathartic moment. The research efficacy on those programs is really extensive. It's really extraordinary.

EMDR moments to help you, your brain reset itself. I want you to do a fun exercise for me, okay? So I want you to close your eyes. And I'm going to take this directly from David Kessler, who's the grief and trauma expert on planet Earth. I want you to close your eyes and I want you to picture a purple elephant. Okay? Okay. And I want you to picture a purple elephant in your driveway.

Just standing there with a hat on his head. Okay? Do you have that picture in your head? Yeah. Okay. I want you to open your eyes. Now, what you have just done is prove to America and the entire world that you can control your thoughts.

Okay? And so, what a counselor will help you do in these moments is control those intrusive, painful thoughts that firebomb into your head out of nowhere.

And what you will learn is that it's like a muscle and that over time you will be able to slowly and you'll slowly grow that muscle to where you are stronger and stronger. When that thought pops in there, you see your baby. And by this time, he's going to be riding a tricycle around and you flash to that moment. You'll be able to go, nope, not doing it. And literally you can move it out. But that's like me telling you right now, hey, you can just go to a CrossFit gym and just crank out 75 pull-ups, right? You've got to practice that and you need a coach and you need someone to walk alongside you. And that's what a therapist is going to do. If you walk into a counselor

and they tell you, all right, I want you to tell me everything that happened on session one, just say, thank you, but I'm going to leave because you're not a good trauma counselor. You don't know what you're doing and people can re-injure you. And like you said, make things pretty dark if they don't know what they're doing. But I want you to find, I guarantee you in Toronto, there are some extraordinary trauma counselors that you can talk about your situation. They will help you walk out of that situation with a set of skills to begin to take control of your thoughts, to begin to reframe some of those moments and really just stop the intrusion. Because surgery can be an extraordinary thing. It can be a really remarkable gift. And occasionally, occasionally, it's a

painful, painful trauma. So again, Sarah, I am so sorry that happened to you. That sucks. And here's the other thing. Don't lose the trauma here too. There's this innate trauma that my body didn't work like it was supposed to. And I've known a number of women who carry around a deep, deep trauma that's beyond the physical trauma, which is why didn't my body do what it was supposed to do? And make sure you discuss that with your counselor as well. This idea that my body is supposed to be a machine. It's supposed to A plus B is supposed to equal C.

Our bodies don't work like that. They're still beautiful. They're still extraordinary. And sometimes things happen. And that's when the medical community is supposed to come in and help us. And unfortunately, it didn't go well for you this time. Please reach out to somebody. Again, EMDR, TFCBT, if you can find somebody that will do a modified version of that for you as an adult. Find a trauma counselor in your area. Bite down on your mouthpiece. Head into the ring there. Do the hard work to go get well.

It will be worth it on the back end for you, for your husband, for those beautiful, beautiful kids of yours, and for whatever adventure you are going to co-create moving down the road. Thank you so, so much for your call, Sarah. You're a gift and a blessing. Thank you for calling.

All right. And so as we wrap up today's show, I want to leave us with easily. I'm just going to put it out there. It's the greatest song of all time. It was written back in 1981 by the Reverend Billy Joe Shaver. I just imagine him walking into his backyard with a pen and a paper, walking past an old rusty tin can where he could see his reflection.

And he thought, I'm just an old chunk of coal. And his heart channeled down his arm and through his pen. And here's what he wrote. Billy Joe laments, Hey, I'm just an old chunk of coal, but I'm going to be a diamond someday. I'm going to grow and glow till I'm so blue, pure, perfect. I'm going to put a smile on everybody's face.

I'm just an old chunk of coal now, Lord, but I'm going to be a diamond someday. This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.