The Dr. John Delony Show - New Baby Anxiety, Boundaries with Physical Affection, & Fighting Over a Dog

Episode Date: November 18, 2020

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that gives you real talk on life, relationships and mental health challenges. Through humor, grace and grit, John gives you the tools you need to cut through the chaos of anxiety, depression and disconnection. You can own your present and change your future—and it starts now. So send us your questions at johndelony.com/show or leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291. We want to talk to YOU! Show Notes for this Episode 2:37: We had a baby in March and I keep having thoughts that something terrible will happen to him 17:35: My husband and I are arguing all the time, I feel like our marriage is on its last legs 27:50: How do I set boundaries with my younger brother about when it is appropriate to hug me? 34:43: Lyrics of the Day: "I Try" - Macy Gray tags: fear, anxiety, parenting, marriage, compromise, conflict, siblings, physical touch, boundaries, affection These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we're going to be talking about intrusive thoughts for new moms, and how do we control those harsh images that pop into our head. We're going to be talking about a marriage that feels like it's on its last rope, and we're going to be talking about setting boundaries, physical boundaries between siblings, parents, and everybody else. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up, what's up? This is John, and this is the Dr. John Deloney Show. A show about you, for you, by you. It's a live show where we take your calls about your life, your relationships,

what's going on in your heart, in your neighborhoods, in your communities, reminding people that you are not alone and that most people, most of the time, are doing the best that they can. And real leaders unite people. Real neighborhoods come together when things get hard. Real love looks like showing up when it's messy and it's inconvenient. And on this show, we talk about falling in and out of love We talk about infidelity, scratching, grinding, clawing towards hope And we may talk about people who still forward mass email chains

Or mass text forwards that let me know If I don't forward it to 10 other people I'm going to have bad luck or death or a terrible life Or rocket diarrhea forever and ever and ever. Amen. Or whatever. It's ridiculous. These are guilt chores. These are chores, dude. And when you forward one of these, you're asking me to do an errand for you to give your little Jesus quote or your little climate change quote or your political quote, whatever it is, and forward it to 20 people or your life will come to an end. Here's the thing. It won't come to an end. My life's just fine when I hit delete, delete, delete. In fact, my life keeps getting better every time I hit delete. So before you hit forward

on a thing that's going to require me to do chores for you, just hit delete. That's it. That's all my thing about Who still forwards mass emails anyway, right? That's so 2012 But whatever's going on, let's do it Give me a call at 1-844-693-3291 1-844-693-3291 Or email me at askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com We're getting emails from all over planet Earth

It's exciting, it's humbling, super rad at ramseysolutions.com. We are getting emails from all over planet Earth. It's exciting. It's humbling. Super rad. And it's super weird, man. But email me, askjohn, J-O-H-N, at ramseysolutions.com. Let's go straight to the phone. Let's go to Taylor in Tyler, Texas.

Taylor and Tyler, how are we doing? Hey, John. I'm doing good. How are you? So, so good. So what's doing? Hey John I'm doing good how are you? So so good so what's up how can I help? So I had a baby in March and I was just wondering how do I overcome the scary thoughts of something bad happening to him? You had a baby in March so I'm going to answer your question but I want to back up I'm remembering remembering in March. I remember in March, I was in downtown Manhattan as like literally me and my buddy Ken Coleman and a couple other guys were walking down Manhattan, down Broadway, when they came out of Broadway, like where they had the plays and they said, all plays are canceled until further notice. And people were scattering from the street. And then the next morning, I'll never forget being with Dave Ramsey and a few other folks. And we turned the corner and it looked like an apocalypse

movie. And I remember thinking, I've been waiting for the apocalypse for years. I've been training for it forever. And I remember going, oh, this is not what I thought. So it freaked me out is all I'm saying. And so when I back out and think if I was having a baby in March, dude, I would probably still be underground right now. Put me in your mindset. You realize the world starts just shutting down like a series of dominoes falling January, February, and then March. And then, oh, look, we're having a baby. So walk me through that in Tyler, Texas. What was that like? Oh, it was pretty crazy. So I worked in healthcare. Um, so I worked in the hospital. Yeah. Um, so I work in the hospital, but, um, it was absolutely insane. Thankfully, I was able to have my husband there.

Oh, that's cool. Towards the end of March, but no family or visitors. But it was really crazy. It sort of seemed like an apocalypse. He walked out and no one was there. So can we, just for the listeners, because I have a lot of my friend community

is in some sort of medical area, whether they're a doctor or whether they are professors who live in the healthcare space. And you may have experienced this too, especially being in Tyler, Texas, where there were probably big swaths of your world, of your community, that this whole thing was a giant scam. And then you're also watching people come into the hospital every day. And you're like, this is super, not a scam. But then I also had doctors that were like, this is the most overblown thing ever.

And then I had other buddies of mine who are doctors who were like, Hey, listen, we're all going to die. And I remember thinking, I don't know what, you know what I mean? Like the smartest people I knew were looking at all the same data and really

the same patients. And they were coming away with totally different things. Did you experience that same thing? Oh, yeah. My husband was one of the people that were like, this is overblown. It's not real. And then here I am having to follow all these precautions and going to people's homes or rooms with like a full-on hazmat suit. And it's just like, well, what's happening?

And by the way, let's bring a human into this, right? So that brings us to this call. So since you've had a baby, so how many months is that? Is it about eight months now? Seven, eight months? Yeah, seven months like last week. Okay. So you have had scary thoughts, intrusive thoughts, what I call the night terrors for new moms. Tell me about what thoughts you have. Well, so because of COVID, anytime he coughs, I instantly think he has COVID. Correct. And so I think that's like crazy to think about because we take every precaution we can. But also things that like there's a situation here that happened with a girl.

I knew she actually got arrested for this whole thing with that happened with a baby. And I can't stop thinking about how that could have been my son or something like that. If I see a car wreck, I'll think, oh my gosh, what if that was us? And then I just picture him, you know, not being here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And do those thoughts, they stay with you? Do they wake you up at night or when you wake up in the morning, do they shoot into your head in an otherwise beautiful East Texas day?

Like when did these thoughts hit you? Um, it's more when I'm not around him. Um, so like whenever I'm at work, um, I think about that kind of stuff or it's usually at night when I wake up in the morning, it doesn't wake me up at night. Um, but like putting him down to bed or like sort of the evening time. Gotcha. Okay, so I want to give you hopefully a lot of peace and then give you a couple of things you can do, okay?

Okay. So you work in healthcare, right? Yes, sir. For folks who, don't call me sir. I'm like 14 years old. It's all, oh yeah, look at that Texan. It makes my heart feel good. My son told somebody, yes, sir, the other day.

And they're like, you're from Texas? And he's like, yes, sir. And then it just got funnier. So yeah, I gotcha. Good for you. So if you're listening to this, by the way, I know I talk about Texas too much. Get over yourself.

But say yes, sir and yes, ma'am. The whole world will just be a little bit nicer. And wave atwalks together. Taylor, me and you are going to save the world. All right. So you work in healthcare. And for those of you who have been living under a rock underneath the dirt for the last eight or nine months, I want to put you inside of a healthcare world right now. It is absolute chaos. There are economic issues because of the cancellations of elective surgeries and then bringing them back, but not. There are some gut-wrenching, gut-wrenching ethical and moral decisions being made, like people being forced to die alone and family has to stay outside. And what we don't think about when those happen, we see those things on Instagram or on Facebook about the stories of the dads in the parking lot waving to their kids. We forget that there are nurses and doctors and custodial staff that are sitting with those people all alone

as they are ill, as they are recovering, as they are dying. And that takes pieces of your soul piece by piece by piece. And so the first thing I want to do, Taylor, is this. I want you to recognize that your bell curve has shifted, meaning you are living in an environment that outside of that environment is – puts you in two different worlds, right? It's not like you're going to be a welder and you're hanging out with welding people and y'all are doing welding things and you're going home to a regular, you are in basically a war zone every day. And that begins to alter your sense of what is normal and what is reality. Okay. Two, the next thing I'm going to say is everyone's going to get COVID because 100% of the people you deal with every day

might get COVID, right? And then you go home and you hear one sniffle and you're like, that's it! Because all day you've heard that and you've seen it and so all that is is your brain trying to protect you. It's all good. Just remember not in the hospital.

We've made jokes about it and that's how I cope with stuff um and it's not like that's how i cope with stuff and so it's not always right or good and so don't send me mean cards and letters everybody but um the way it is now like if somebody hurts their ankle it's like i probably got covid right or they you know uh they sneeze yeah you got covid someone's like man i worked out really hard last night now my arms are sore covid right COVID, right? Whatever it is. So what's happening, I want you to know is totally, totally normal. Okay. So you're in a highly stressed environment that isn't normal and your brain is carrying that home with you. Just think to your mind, thanks, dude. Like you're trying to take care of me and

I appreciate that. The second thing is for new moms, it is, I've read an argument that I buy that sounds plausible, that there is actually an evolutionary component to scary thoughts about your kid. So if you're pushing a stroller and you, all of a sudden you're walking along and you're pushing your kid down the sidewalk and there's a hill and you think, oh gosh, if I let this go, he'd roll away down the hill. And then your heart drops as though you did let him go. And he does fall down that hill. You're actually going to grip that stroller tighter, right? You are actually going to drive a little bit safer. You're going to be a little more careful when he's eating. And so one of the arguments I read is that there's an evolutionary response that your brain wants moms to be hyper

vigilant to the point that they are imagining scenarios that could come true so that they make sure they don't. All that to say, whether that's true or not, you are in normal company to be having these dark thoughts, especially if these dark thoughts are new to you. Some of us just go through life with dark thoughts, and this is just another thing. Some folks, this knocks for a loop because they feel like they're going crazy. Like, why do I keep having this in my head? So I want you to know you're totally, totally normal. Where it becomes difficult is when you start judging yourself, when you start thinking I'm broken or I'm a bad mom or I must be psychotic because I had this image of my son or my daughter doing X and then all of a sudden Y happening.

And I want you to give yourself some grace and some peace on that. Okay? And so we're going to do an exercise that I do all the time with folks. And I want you to practice it. Okay. I want you to close your eyes. And in fact, we just did this in another show recently, and we're going to do it again. I think we can do this for the next 30 years. And I got this from the grief master, David Kessler.

I want you to close your eyes right now and everybody listening to it. If you've already done it with me before, do it again. Close your eyes. And this time I want you to picture a giant yellow banana on your front lawn. Okay. You got it? Sitting there? And I want it to have a little red hat on top of the stem part.

Okay? Okay. You got it pictured in your head? Yes, sir. And your husband, he's pretty awesome? Oh, yeah. Okay. I want you to imagine him leaning up against this banana in your front yard.

Okay. Okay? Now, open your eyes. Now, what you have just done, you, Taylor, have just proven to all of really the world. There's a lot of people listening to this all across the world. You've proven to the world that you can control your thoughts. You can control the images that are in your head. And so where these intrusive thoughts that pop in like lightning bolts,

they pop in and then your body reacts to them. At that moment is when you get to choose whether you're going to follow through with all the way to the end where your son ends up in some traumatic situation in the thought experiment, right? Or your son ends up in some traumatic situation in the thought experiment, right? Or your daughter ends up in some really evil, hard situation. Or you can say, nope, and then you can choose to imagine a picture of your son

riding on his tricycle. Or you can choose a picture of your daughter at her wedding someday or whatever fantasy you want to concoct about your kids. But that is something you can practice. And then in short order, your brain starts to reset itself because it does not get the bang for its buck that it's looking for. And it's, I call it changing your default setting. So it begins to default to whenever you think about your kid, you can literally train your mind to where a positive image pops in instead of the worst case scenario.

Or as I think it's Martin Seligman says, optimism is a learned behavior. It's a choice. And it is hard to do, especially when it's 5 a.m. and that thought pops in your head or it's 10 o'clock at night. You worked a full shift and you picked up a couple hours of somebody else's shift because they didn't come in. And then you race home and you and your husband are busy and you put your kid down and then bam, there it is. He's laying in the crib sleeping. And then it just creeps over you like a warm blanket, right? And then you go all the way to the end of that thing. That's when you can stop and you can remember your dad holding him for the first time. You can put that picture in your head and it's going to be a fight in your

mind for a while until you get the strength to do that. And then there's one last thing I want you to, to think about. Okay. You've had a baby and you now have a tangible living, breathing example of your heart beating outside your chest. It's one of my favorite quotes. And when you see your heart beating outside of your chest with these little hands and these little eyes and these little mouth and these little feet, you get to really ingest the word risk. And true love is risk, right? It's this idea that it might not always go right, and it probably won't always go right. And you work in a world that is there for when it doesn't go right. And so you are extra sensitive to risk, and I want you to love that little kid recklessly in spite of that risk. I think I could do that.

I know you can. I know you can, right? And I said this was the last thing, final, final thing. Often, and there's some literature out there, some of these thoughts can increase if somebody is alone or they don't have good social support. So make sure you have folks in your life that aren't your mom and dad, that aren't your husband, that are friends, that you can text, that you can call, that you have a constant stream of three or four people that you can text who've already had kids and they're going to answer, is this normal? Is this normal? They're going to go, yep, yep. Or, hey, are you having weird thoughts? Nope. You

should probably go see somebody because we haven't had that, right? But you need people in your life that can tell you that's weird. That's weird, but not you're crazy, right? Okay. Or if you are crazy, that you need to go talk to somebody, and we're going to go with you to talk to somebody, right? Yeah. But make sure you've got close people in your life. But you are normal. You are a great mom.

You are a gift to your community. You are serving as a healthcare professional in a mess. And I'm so grateful that you're one of the people in our communities that are raising good kids, taking care of the least of these, being a great partner to your husband and trying to do it right. And so work on controlling those thoughts, work on not beating yourself up when something dark comes into your mind and recognize your mind is just trying to take care of you and trying to make sure you take care of that baby. And don't beat yourself up and don't judge yourself for it.

Good for you. Good for you. Awesome. Awesome. All right, let's go to Paula in H-Tone, Texas. What's up, Paula? Hi, doctor. How are you?

I'm so good. How are you? I'm so good. How are you? I've been better. Let me just kind of tell you what's going on. Let's do it. Bring it on. What's going on? Having problems in my marriage.

I'm 52. Okay. I've been married for about six and a half years, both of our second marriages. We've been arguing constantly probably for the last six weeks, probably just calmed down last week. What are you arguing about? So it's mainly about my dog. He hates my dog and he doesn't want me to get rid of him, he says, but he's been threatening lately. He's going to take him to the SPCA.

He doesn't want you to get rid of him. He just wants him dead and gone. So, yeah, cool. Exactly. And that's like the main, one of the main things. And we don't have deep conversations about the marriage, about finances, in good times and bad times. But like the pet has really been just coming up constantly. And I told him, I said, if you do that, take him to the SPCA, what do you think is going to happen to our marriage?

And he just said, well, you'll get over it. Oh. He called your bluff. Yeah. I was really, yeah. I was just yeah, I was really, yeah, I was just like, okay. good connection that's not having lots of good intimate moments that is not fully on the same page with your finances and with where you guys want to go as a couple?

Is the dog just where all this is landing? Or does your husband just hate dogs? I think he hates this dog because initially, I've had the dog 10 years. I was not going to keep it. He, long story short, he was, he, my sister wanted him. She was living with me and I said, you need to take him when you go, but she couldn't. And I just decided to keep him. And that was before I got married. And after we got married, he thought I would get a dog. And I said, no, I'm not going to do that. So what keeps two grown adults from going to have breakfast somewhere? You can even go to dinner for this conversation and saying, we've got to deal with the dog.

I don't like that the dog pees everywhere. I don't like the dog's hairs everywhere. It sounds like two kids throwing crayons at each other. I don't like the dog's hairs everywhere. I don't, like, it sounds like um, sounds like two kids throwing crayons at each other. I completely agree. But you're one of those kids. And so what is it about, like, the adult part? Will he just refuse to

engage you as an adult? Or is he saying, I want to be an adult and this dog is whatever, getting hair all over my clothes, or we don't have enough money to keep feeding this dog. Or this dog reminds me you got him with your last husband and I don't like you importing parts of your last life into this new life. I want to start fresh with my new wife. Here's what I'm saying, Paula.

I don't want to over-dramatize this. It might just be like I do not like cats. I think cats are evil, and I think cats are one of the worst animals ever created. And I know that people are going to send mean, mean emails to me about cats. Cats are perfect. They're not. They're gross creatures. There's no reason to have a cat.

And I know. Just send all the mean letters, everybody. But my wife knows that too. And so I've been honest with her. She's not a cat fan either, but she's indifferent about them. If I felt like I really need a cat and we'd have a cat, they make my eyes itch, but we have grown up talks about it. And so I don't want to over-dramatize this in just, cause if my wife came in with three cats tomorrow and she's like, Hey, by the way, we're having cats. I'd have a problem with it. Cause it'd make me sick. I don't, I don't want to over-dramatize this. Because if my wife came in with three cats tomorrow and she's like, hey, by the way, we're having cats. I'd have a problem with it because it would make me sick.

I wouldn't like it. I don't want to spend money on that, et cetera. And so is it that or, like I say, is there something else with your marriage? Because if you can't have a civil conversation in marriage to at 50 years old about a dog, my gut tells me there's something else going on. I think there is something else. I recently found out, and this was because he didn't admit it to me. I think there's been some type of abuse as a child. Okay.

That he experienced? Yes. Okay. And I said, well, do you want to talk about it? And he was just like, no, no. Okay. And I said, well, do you want to talk about it? And he was just like, no, no. Sure. So, yeah, it's just. Well, here's the thing.

Abuse is hard. And it's hard to talk about. It's hard to experience, especially if you're older and it's kind of woven into the patterns but with you which you interact with the world and i also understand it can feel like someone's holding back from you or not being honest with you or not talking about things with you when you find out that someone you love has had trauma in their life and they don't want to talk about it it feels personal like they're they're holding out you. And so I want you to not think of trauma that way. I want you to not think of his responses that way.

And instead, I want you to create a space where he feels loved and he feels valued and that he feels like you're all in with him. And those things create an environment or an atmosphere where at some point he may feel comfortable speaking those things out into existence. And it's less about holding back from you. But for some folks, especially older men, when they start talking about historical trauma, abuse as a child, they are waking dragons that they don't have the tools to slay. They don't have the relationships. They don't have other men in their lives that are going to sit with them and hug them while they weep uncontrollably. They don't know how to go to counseling or they've been told for 20 years that are 30 years or 40 years, people who go to counseling are wimps and broken weirdos. They don't have church resources or worse church says, just pray it away and it goes away.

Just get over yourself. If you really believed in fill in the blank, then you'd get over it, right? And so it is less about him holding out on you and more about, man, if he opens that box, he feels like he's going to drown. And that is a wound that has been there since he was a little kid. And that is a wound that can only be healed with an environment where he feels safe, safe, safe. And if you're fighting over a dog, that's not, there's something else going on there, right?

If you're thinking about my marriage is in trouble, I think was what you said, man, there are bigger things at play here. And so would he go see somebody? Would he go talk to somebody and go see a counselor? I suggested marriage counseling. He doesn't believe it. Talking to the phone. Okay. I'm sorry. I suggested marriage counseling and he does not believe in that. Okay. And I will suggest that he talks to a counselor, but I don't know if he would go. Okay. Can you go take care of the things? Because you're a part of this too. You're with him too. You said, I'm going to do this again. I'm going to get married again. And I'm going to go all in on you. I went all in on somebody else before. It didn't work out. I'm going all in on you again.

And I'm not going to lose this over a dog. Now, he also is going to say, I don't want to lose this because of the dog, right? So you get this weird impasse. But at some point, I want you to work on you. So would you be interested in going to see somebody? To talk about ways that you can communicate with somebody who may have experienced trauma, that you can be somebody who can diffuse what sounds like a middle school argument over a pet. Right. And at the end of the day, all you can control is you.

And at some point, my hope is that you begin to model for him. Here's what communication looks like. Here's what de-escalation looks like. Like if he's about to pick a fight with you, you can say, hey, I love you. I'm not going to fight with you over this. I'm going to go for a walk. I love you more than life itself. But we're not going to do it.

We're not going to fight over this. This isn't worth our marriage. This isn't worth our friendship. And you're going to learn some skills on how to connect with somebody. And maybe they're skills you didn't pick up the first time when you were married. There may be skills that you haven't ever learned, right? But at the end of the day, that's all you can focus on. Are you worth investing in, Paula?

Yes, I believe so. I think you are. I think everybody is worth investing in, but especially you. And my hope is that you learn some skills that you can begin to shift the kind of partner you are and create an ecosystem for him where he feels safe and connected to. It's not fully your responsibility to heal him. You can't do that. But as a partner of somebody that you love, you can help create an environment where he can feel safe and loved and connected. And those are three words that a lot of dudes don't use.

Safe, loved, and connected. They use achieved, tough, and snap into a slim gym. Yeah, let's lift weights. Yeah, let's play fantasy football where we use other grown men as little figurines. Let's do that. Yeah. You're going to create a context where he feels safe and loved and connected. And then at that point he might be able to heal. And then this dog, dude, this just sounds like a red herring to me. It just sounds like a distraction from a couple that needs to sit down and say, we love each other. Let's figure this out. And I'm going to work on me and I hope you'll work on you. So Paul, you are restoring my faith in humanity. Thank you so, so, so much For calling in today

Alright, let's take one more call here Yeah, let's go to Taylor in Boston, Massachusetts Let's do that Alright, let's go to Taylor in Boston What's up, Taylor? Hey John, how are you doing? I'm doing outstanding What is up in Boston, Massachusetts?

How can I help you? Not much Basically, it's just a simple question. Go for it. Let's do it. So my brother, I love him dearly. He probably doesn't always think that I do. He, I guess he sort of craves physical affection. Okay. And so he's always wanting me to hug him or want to give me a hug before bed or before i go off to work before he goes off to work and sometimes i am just not in the mood and so i try to push him away say like you don't need to always hug me, whatever. And he sort of takes it personal, to be honest. He'll get mad at me.

Sure. So I don't know. So how old are you? I'm 21. 21. How old's your brother? 20. 20.

So have you always had a awkward physical relationship with him do you not like it when he hugs you because he hugs you inappropriately he violates your physical boundaries or you just don't want to hug him um probably a mix of both it's just like i don't know okay um so here's here's the the brass tacks of it you control your body and you are entitled to and responsible for setting your boundaries whatever they may be and you are allowed to have them you are fully encouraged to have them. And I want to proclaim for you permission to speak them on the word. You don't need my permission. You're endowed by those, by God himself. You are allowed to speak those boundaries into the universe.

And you're allowed to demand that other people respect those physical boundaries. Whether that's your dad, your mom, your brother, anybody. Okay? Yep. What is really helpful is clear boundaries, meaning when somebody comes in to hug you and you go, ugh, then you are maintaining your boundaries. You have a right to do that,

but it's become a social issue too. If you go to your brother one day before nighttime and say, hey, from this point forward, we're not hugging anymore. We are high-fiving each other with two high-five hands, and I'm not going to give you a hug anymore, or we're just going to side hug, one arm side hug. That's it. That's the brother hug. Then he can get over it. And if he chooses to throw a temper tantrum, that's his immaturity, not yours. Okay? And so what I would recommend that you do is be very vocal and very direct about what your boundaries are.

Here is what I will accept when it comes to physical touch in my home with my brother. Period. End of story. And then he can get over that. And you can tell him, I love you. I love you a lot. These are my physical boundaries. With my son, my son is freakishly tall, like huge. And so at a young age, he would go hug women and he would put his head right between their chest, like right in their chest. And it was uncomfortable for people. And he was like four, five and six, and he was huge and he would nuzzle up and it would make, you get to see people going like, oh gosh. And so my wife, like we had a hard straight talk with him about these are private

parts. When you hug somebody, you will shake their hand. And if you want to give them a hug, you will side hug them. And he even had a funny response. He's like, but I like my head there. I mean, it was, he was just a sweet little boy. He even said once, I don't know if I'm allowed to say this, James, he was like, but can I just put it between? And we're like, nope, nope, dude. You can't do that, right? But he was just a sweet kid wanting to hug. He didn't have any, there was nothing sexual about it. There was nothing.

He just wanted to be connected. And it took us some very direct. These are private parts. These are not for you. And you will hug me like this. And you will shake hands to strangers. And that's the way it's going to be. And he adapted, and he got it.

And so I want to fully, 100% Taylor, empower you. Whatever your boundaries are physically, own them, be proud about them, don't apologize for them, and speak them out into the world so that other people know unequivocally what they are. Is that cool? Yeah, and I feel like part of it is probably he sort of went through a rough breakup a while back, and it's sort of been ever since then that he's been a little bit more, I guess, wanting to. He probably just craves some sort of affection. Sure, and affection's good. Violating somebody's boundaries is not.

And your job as his sister is not to meet his need for physical touch. Yeah. Not to meet his need, his longing for intimacy. That's not a sister's job. A sister's job is to love their little brother. Right? Right. A brother's job is to love their little brother, right? A brother's job is

to love his brother, right? That's not their job. And so it might be that you can hold his hand, hold his hand tight, and with both of your hands and make sure he feels loved, you can put your head on his shoulder. You can put his head on your shoulder. You can lock elbows with him you can side hug the heck out of him but you get to decide here's my boundaries and I'm not comfortable with anything other than that

and you can be very forthright with him and that is not a mark on you and I know I've said it over and over in this call I want everyone to hear that over and over and over everyone gets to own the autonomy of their body and the more that people feel comfortable saying Everyone to hear that over and over and over. Everyone gets to own the autonomy of their body. And the more that people feel comfortable saying, I am comfortable with this level of interaction.

I'm not comfortable with this. The more empowered they feel and the more people can honor them with hospitality when they come into contact with them. He may not know. He may just think you're being an annoying sister. He may not realize you are being violated. Right? Yeah, right. I want to tell you, I'm proud of you for setting boundaries and I'm proud of you

for trying to honor him at the same time. Own your body. Good for you. Thank you. Good for you. I'm really grateful for that call. Alright, so as we wrap up today's show, man, we're going to do it, James. James is not a fan.

He does not think this is one of the greatest songs ever. I disagree. Every once in a while, not often, James is super wrong. This is one of those times. It's from the 1998 classic on How Life Is. The beautiful and super talented Macy Gray came onto the scene. Everyone in there is going, ah, you're all wrong, wrong, wrong. James just said, he's trying so hard not to turn my microphone off. She came out with a song while I was in college called I Try. I and she writes games changes and fears when will they go from here

when will they stop I believe that fate has brought us here and we should be together babe but we're not I play it off but I'm dreaming of you I'll keep my cool but I'm feigning I try to say goodbye and I choke I try to walk away and I stumble Though I try to hide it, it's clear My world crumbles when you are not near Listen to that, James Goodbye and I choke I try to walk away and I stumble Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not here Woo, Macy! My world crumbles when you are not here, people This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.