The Dr. John Delony Show - Newlyweds & Family Drama Around Holiday Plans

Episode Date: October 13, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode As a special needs parent I feel resentful of "normal" families We’re newlyweds dealing w/ family tension around holiday plans How can I comfort a friend that is grieving? Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief - David Kessler Lyrics of the Day: "Just The Two Of Us" - Bill Withers & Grover Washington Jr.   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp dreamcloudsleep.com/delony Conversation Starters Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: special needs, parenting, anger/resentment/bitterness, kids, grief, marriage, family, boundaries   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a return caller who's calling back to let us know how things are going and some new challenges she's experiencing with her kids. We also talk to a newlywed who's already dreading the holidays and the conversation with her mother-in-law. Oh boy. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up, everybody? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

We're so glad you're with us. We're talking about relationships and mental health and love and, I don't know, tenderness and hope. What are some more happy words? Flowers and bumblebees. Punctuality. I'm late this morning. I'm late. And James decided to mention that to America.

So congratulations, James. You win. I just said a word. Just one word. Man, you must be so fun to be married to. Just dinner. Is that how you do it? It's dinner.

Children. Is this one of those times where you turn the conversation on someone else? Yeah, because I have low self-esteem. I'm sorry. It's cool, man.

Sarah, good to see you. James, our show is today. Or, not really. I mean, our sound check is today. Me and James are in a band and we're incredible and we're going to win it all. And just saying.

Hey, I think this would be awesome. You could point out to America, what kind of guitar are you playing in this show? I still haven't decided. Whatever. The photos of you just smoking that SG are going to be so great. And for those of you who think that was a drug reference, it's an awesome Gibson guitar.

All right, let's go to Michelle in Pensacola, Florida. Good morning, Michelle. What's going on? I'm doing great. How are you? We are just saving the world. What's up? So I was a previous caller about my daughter.

You had given me some advice in the past. We were awaiting a diagnosis. Yes. Hey, so first, let me say this. Did I screw it up the first time? No, you did not screw it up the first time. Okay, good. I was hoping you weren't calling me to tell me I was an idiot.

And so you were one of the first callers, one of the OGs, way back in the day. Yes, I was on one of your first shows. I was so excited about that. And it's just continued to go, pew, since then. But, hey, thanks for hanging with us. Okay, so you called and you had, give us a reminder of what was going on. So my daughter, she was two at the time, and there were some delays going on,

and I called asking for some advice because I was worried that I wasn't doing enough for her to make sure that she was where she needed to be, kind of just in an uncertain spot. So you helped me through that and, you know, found my community where we were. But we've since then relocated because we are a military family. And we also have gotten an official diagnosis for Cadence as well. Okay, so what's the diagnosis?

So she actually has a somewhat rare genetic condition. And it causes epilepsy, which we got the official diagnosis for that back in April. So we she's having silent seizures. And it also, along with that, are there's an intellectual delay. There's she still doesn't talk. She's almost four. She'll be four in November. And she's got a movement disorder as well.

So she's quite the clumsy child. So with the epilepsy disorder, is that really the doctor saying that's the root and these other things are derivative? So it's actually the epilepsy is derivative of the genetic condition. We just got the diagnosis of the genetic condition last month. Okay. All right. And you've got a little one, too. Yes.

So Eden is nine months old now. Because why not, right? Why not relocate in the middle of a pandemic, plus get your special needs diagnostics for your little one, and then have a nine-month-old? Yeah, just go all in. Wow. Okay, so tell me how that's going. It's going great. Cadence is an amazing big sister.

It's so hard with her not being able to communicate, but she loves Eden. She comes over. She gives Eden kisses all the time when I'm feeding her. She plays with her. She comes over, she gives Eden kisses all the time when I'm feeding her. She plays with her, like she, she's doing so well. And there were so many, uh, you know, worries that I had in my mind because people kept telling me how terrible Cadence was going to take it, but they were wrong. Yes. And so you just told me something important. I know we haven't even got to your question yet. There's a difference between non-communicative and non-verbal.

And so your daughter may not be speaking yet, but she's truly communicating a lot. Is that fair? It is. Yeah. Okay. Awesome. It's definitely fair. It just looks much different than what I expected.

There you go. All right. So what's your question? Yeah. So kind of what they just said, I feel bad that sometimes I feel this way but I mean these girls they're my whole world but sometimes it's it feels like I am grieving what I expected motherhood to look like um you know with everything going on with cadence that I feel like I'm constantly kind of on edge and, you know,

worried and keeping an extra extra close eye on her almost like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I think that I am just struggling to sometimes take a deep breath and try to enjoy the moment a little bit more. So can you do me a huge favor? Yes. Will you redo that whole thing? I'm going to re-ask you the question.

Okay. And you apologized and minimized before you even said what's going on in your heart and head. And I want you to rephrase it. And I want you to tell me exactly. No, no. I'm afraid I'm going to get found or I'm afraid someone I'm not allowed to say these things. I'm a mom. I'm supposed to feel I want you to tell me what's actually going on in your heart and head. Is that cool? That's cool. Okay, so we'll hit rewind. And

for those of you who don't know where rewind is, because you're young, it's this thing we used to do with tapes and it was incredible. So we'll rewind and then, so, Hey, so what's going on, Michelle? What's going on? Tell me what's going on. Why'd you call? Hey, I'm going because I am struggling with the fact that motherhood is turning out differently than what I always imagined. Okay. Let's rewind and do it again. Hey, Michelle, what's going on? Be more honest. Okay. Hey, Dr. D, I'm doing great. No! Rewind again. I'll help you. Hey, Dr. D, I'm so pissed off that my two-year-old has all these physical and disability challenges. I am super pissed that all my friends' kids seem to be all perfect. And on Instagram, everything's going great.

I'm so pissed that I just can't hug my nine-year-old without worrying that my two and a half year old's going to fall down or my three-year-old's going to have some issue. I'm so pissed that we had to move again. And I love that we're in the military, but God almighty, can we just get some community? Is that closer to you? Yeah closer to and I hate that for you I hate that somebody told

you you're not allowed to feel your feelings right now I hate that somebody told you that oh by the way your daughter's going to screw up everything so don't worry all that stuff you're carrying. So tell me where you're really truly at. I also did a really annoying thing, which I want to call out that I'm some man that you've never met

telling you what your feelings are out loud. I just did that, and that was pretty lame of me. Give me your own words. What are you experiencing? So in my own words, I think it's, What are you experiencing? We're not able to, or, you know, we attempt to, and the outcome isn't exactly what, you know, that exactly what I wanted it to be or what I thought it would be like. You know, even as, as well as going and taking her to do something that I think she would have fun doing and she ends up not enjoying it or it's just a bad day. It's just not what I thought that it would be. Are any of these things rolling off that you're a bad mom?

Like this is your fault? A little bit. I've been working through that for a long time. I feel like that's kind of been in my head since Kayden started missing her milestones, you know, and she was just a baby. So some of the, with some of the parents I've worked with over the years, I've seen it over and over where their kid is born with a genetic issue or with a learning disability or some sort of challenge. And then mom and or dad, often mom, sometimes dad, own this as though this is our fault.

Something about us created this child with these challenges. And then it becomes super your job to make sure that they are catching up, whatever that means, that they are having super tons of fun, whatever that means. And with kids with special needs, they don't always have fun in traditional ways. They don't communicate in traditional ways. They do things differently.

The circus may scare the crap out of them, or they may be too short to ride the roller coaster for a long time, or whatever the thing is. And that just compounds this ceaseless, never-ending guilt. So am I on the right track there? You are. Okay. It's never-ending guilt. So am I on the right track there? You are. Okay.

And then you get pissed at your kid that they're not having fun, or you get mad at your friend, and then you feel guilty about getting mad, or you feel guilty about – it's just this never-ending cycle of guilt. Is that fair? Yes, it is. It's very fair. So have you said out loud, I hate this? I have not.

Okay. I need you to know it's okay to say that. In fact, you have to. If you don't acknowledge how you truly feel, there will be a widening gap between the problems your body is trying to solve for you and this facade, this fake universe you're trying to create where it's different, but it's okay. You know what I mean? And it's not okay. It's not. It's not how we drew it up.

Right. And then we got to deal with the, and this is what is, this is the reality. How's your husband doing with this? He's doing okay. You know, we've had these discussions where, well, before we got the diagnosis for cadence, it was a lot of, you know, what are you most worried about? And a lot of times it always came back to, you know, what if it is progressive or degenerative? And I prayed and prayed and prayed.

And luckily this condition is not that. So I'm so grateful for that. And so I think that's part of where some of the guilt comes from too, because it could be worse. So I try to minimize what it truly is. There you go. And you know, comparing grief just takes your soul from you. Yeah. Yeah. Could never compare grief. Like, oh, my mom passed away,

but she was 70. So I had more time than my friend's mom. Man, your mom passed away, right? So it's just sitting in that hard stuff. Have y'all had a, I'll just say this. This isn't related to your question, but I think it's important to have those type of conversations with some regularity. Good for you guys. Y'all are way ahead of the curve for having this conversation before she was born. But I think it's good to have check-in conversations every couple of months. Just how's our experience? How are you?

Right. You know what I mean? To, to check back in because this whole, all these milestones are going to be different now. Um, so what's your question question? I feel like I'm talking too much. What's your question question? You're not talking too much. Um, I think my question question, how do I live more in the moment without having to feel so heavy all of the time? That's such a good question. So I want you to think of that weight you feel, that inability to breathe, as your body trying to experience the reality of what you're living in versus what your head is trying to

convince yourself is actually going on what i mean by that is your body knows that your daughter's hurting your body knows that it wants to be over here with your special needs daughter and with your nine-month-old your body knows oh by the, I'm supposed to fill in the blank around the house and whatever, and at work and with my husband, all that stuff. And your head's trying to say, yeah, but it could be worse. So we're all okay. Everybody just smile. Let's get in the minivan and let's go. You know what I mean? There's a gap. And so think of that weight, that head, I love that you use that word, that heaviness as, and this is gonna sound so cheesy, please don't roll your eyes,

as unfelt feelings that you gotta acknowledge are there. And instead of trying to pretend they're not real, I want you to enter into an intentional space of I'm gonna feel sad for the next hour. I'm gonna be intentional about it. And for me, I write that stuff down and it doesn't work for everybody. Some people need to say it out loud and tell a friend.

You've heard me say a million times, grief demands a witness and so having somebody you can say, I hate all of this and I love, love, love being a mom and I love my babies and I love that I was chosen to be the person to navigate all of this.

Nobody else could do this and love these kids like I can. And I hate that I got this assignment. You know what I mean? Yeah. So it's both and. And if you try to blow past one or the other, then your body's going to wear it.

And it doesn't mean it's all going to be roses, but you will go through life lighter. You'll hold it looser. And so we're all going to the circus today and you get to the circus and Cadence has just an absolute barn burner meltdown or she has a seizure

six minutes in and you gotta leave. You'll hold that loosely instead of I didn't worry it will be a loosely held well we gave it a good shot and now we're gonna go take care of this, this and this and this and we're gonna be able to turn the corner there.

Right. What does feeling that look like for you? I feel like feeling that probably is just taking some time to really just sit there, and I probably just need to it out for a little bit. Cause I try not to do that. Yeah. Please don't, please don't hold that in. Um, a lot of times the grief swirls around inside of us and getting it out, letting it be heard, whether you write it down, tell somebody that's important. I can sit and stew for a long time and like have a quote unquote quiet time, whatever that means. And I come away more fried than when I, before I went in, if I don't sit down and write stuff out and actually put it

down on paper. Um, hang on a second, Kelly, would you be willing to weigh in here? Yeah, sure. Um, the main thing that I would say, hold on a on a second, Michelle. Kelly, tell Michelle your situation. So, Michelle, we have two special needs kids, one far more than the other. Our daughter has spina bifida. She's 18, but she's only about five developmentally, and there's also some mental illness. So quite a bit going on there.

The one thing that I would say, because you talked about how there's certain things that your daughter can't do, those kind of places we wanted to take the family and things that we wanted to do. There's a fine line between we do these things as a family together because this is what everyone can do.

But also knowing that it's okay for you to get her a sitter sometimes and take your other kids to do those things. Okay. Does that make sense? Yeah. Okay. We do that often. Like we took our daughter to Disney and it was awful. It did not go well. Day one, she looked at me like five minutes in and said, I want to go home. It's like, great. We have seven days left. Awesome. And we can't go home.

So we know that we're probably going to go next year. She won't go. She hated it. It was awful for everyone. Nobody had a good time. So she'll probably go to my in-laws where she has their undivided attention for six, seven days. And that's her idea of heaven. Yeah. And we want to take our son to the beach. Well, the wheelchair doesn't go really well over

the beach, over the sand. So she has camps that she goes to as well. That's something we can talk about off air, but the camps are great in the summer. And then when we use that time to take our son somewhere else. So you can still do those things with your other children. And that's okay too, because they need to have those quote unquote normal experiences as well. That makes a lot of sense. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. Of course. And Kelly, can you, because all mine is theoretical. I haven't sat in the seat. What wisdom would you give to Michelle about those days when you're just pissed off that you've got hurting kids

or that you just want to be able to go on a date and not have to deal with fill in the blank? Yeah, there are days you're gonna be pissed. I mean, we've had our daughter, we adopted our daughter 13 years ago and I've still pissed half the time because it's not what we thought was going to happen. It's not what we thought was going to be.

And my husband and I know that it's okay for me to, you know, gripe to him and him to gripe to me because that's our safe space to do that. And I've also got a group of friends I can do that with. And they know that, because I know that if anybody outside heard me, I would sound like a horrible human being for some of the things that I gripe about. But that's okay if you have that safe place that you can do that with your spouse. And then I really recommend a group of girlfriends too that will let you do that without thinking, wow, she's awful. Because they just know you're in a crappy situation and there's just no way around it. It sucks.

But you have to have those and you have to have those outlets to talk about it. And then you have to laugh at really, really inappropriate things, because you're just like, you have to, because if not, you'll just cry all the time. That's why Kelly's perfect for this particular show. Yeah, because you just have to laugh

and you're like, our life is stupid. But you know what? It's ours. And there's some great times in it. And there's some really, really hard times. But you have to find great sitters that you know can handle your child so you can go get out. There's churches in our area that do what they call respite nights. Our church does one once a month where our kids get to go and we get to have a date night for free

so there are things like that that you can find to offer those little oases kind of in the desert that you're in you have to look for them but don't isolate yourself because then you'll just be under your bed in the fetal position which is where I usually am

after this show after Kelly's talking in my ear to you hey thanks so much Kelly hey Michelle will you do me a huge favor two things number one be honest with yourself okay don't hide from you

and that's such a temptation you are allowed to have your feelings and it's both and and obviously you got to get up and make sure everybody's fed, make sure everybody's loved and go figure out what the day is going to look like. It's not one or the other. And we live in a culture that says you do one or the other. You just led by your feelings. And if you feel sad, you just YOLO and sit in bed and watch Netflix. And then the other side of it is a good mom, whatever that means, looks like this, whatever that means. And you are always feeling less than.

So I want you to take permission to feel how you feel and love how you love. And you've got to get up and do the right thing. The second thing is, as Kelly mentioned it, please get a gang. And I know that's so hard in a military family where you're moving and moving and moving and moving. But continue to reach out, continue to reach out and make sure you've got a crew around you. Is that cool? Okay.

That's cool. I can do that. And call us back. Now you're, now you're like in the fam. So call us back and we'll just keep going on, especially because in like a couple of years, there's going to be some knucklehead little kid thinking Constance is so, your daughter's so beautiful.

And we'll tell you how to get in a fight with a six-year-old, right? My husband already taught her how to shake her head no. When he said he'll tell her, he'll say, what do you say when all the boys say they want kisses? And she'll shake her head and say, no, no, no. That is excellent. Excellent. I love it. Love it. Well, Michelle, you're a saint. Thank you so much for calling in, and thanks for being honest. You've got a hard road to hoe and a blessed road to hoe, and it's the same. It's both and. And it's a mess, and it's chaos, and it's joy.

And thanks for calling in and trusting with us. Trusting with us. Trusting us. Even me. Hey, thank you so much. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Delaney Show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season.

And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work, we do this in social setting, we do this around our families, we even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self,

I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself, and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves.

If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back.

Let's go to Alyssa in Fargo, North Dakota. That was my Fargo Indian accent, and it was dreadful. I apologize, Alyssa. I've heard worse. It's fine. Yes. Yes. I just love finding out I'm not the worst at things.

I don't have to be great. As long as you know somebody in your mind that's worse, that makes me happy. So what's up, Alyssa? How can I help? Okay. So basically, my husband and I, we've been married for like 10, 11 days. Hold on, hold on. 10 or 11 days? Yeah. Wow. Okay, cool. Do we already have problems? No, not with him. He's perfect. Well, I mean, he's fine. Gross. No, he's not. Yuck. You've

only been married 10 days. That's so good. Okay. All right. He's perfect. Gross. No, he's not. Yuck. You've only been married 10 days. So good. Okay. Alright. He's perfect. I love him. Good for you. Alright. So what's the deal? I'm already stressing out about holidays, two families. Last year, we did both sides. It was awful for

us. They still weren't pleased with how everything was set up. Oh, gosh. What morons. So why are you, you're day 10. Why are you stressing about this? So my husband says I'm a catastrophizer.

Hold on. He says this. Are you? I tend to overthink a lot. That's such an undersell. So you're a catastrophizer. What's your favorite, what's your favorite catastrophe you've thought of over the last 18 months? Let's just get into this. I love catastrophizers.

Oh God. I don't know. Um, he'd leave me. We paid all this money for a wedding. It wouldn't happen. Um, so when, when he actually showed up and put the ring on, did you exhale like, ah, sweet dodge, dodge that one? Um, well, no, because then there was like so many other things that could go wrong. Okay. So let's just get to the actual reason you called you are 10 days into your new marriage and you've described him as perfect and wonderful and so lovely so you won right he's a good guy you married well right yes and it's not even you know it's not even, you know, it's not even winter yet. There's already 100 inches of snow on the ground in Fargo, I'm assuming. Yeah, basically.

All right, basically. 101. So y'all are sitting in the deep snow together in love 10 days in, and you look over and you see him, and snowflakes are gathering on his eyelashes. And, yeah, you've got one hand on his shoulder just rubbing his back. It's so good. And then you think, just a few short months.

Disaster. We've got Thanksgiving and Christmas and what's going to happen, and then your body races to fight that problem or to flee that problem. You're so great. Okay, so what did you screw up last year? Um, well, we went to both sides. Well, that was ridiculous. What else did you do? Come on, Alyssa. I know. What else happened? Um, we only, well, basically his mom wasn't pleased that we could only stay there for like five hours. Ridiculous. What kind of daughter-in-law are you going to be, Alyssa?

What else happened? Well, actually, that was mostly it. My mom needs to understand it a little bit more, which is surprising. You're my favorite person I've talked to in a long time. Oh, thank you. I want to distill this catastrophe down. So, you stayed for five hours, and his mom said, I wish you'd stayed longer. So Oh thank you I want to distill This catastrophe down So Ah You stayed for five hours

And his mom said I wish you'd stayed longer What else did she do? Did she like Let the air out of your tires As you were pulling away Did she lean into your ear And say

You've ruined my life And I hate the fact That you're in my family Did she say that? No His mom is super sweet We get along real great What did she do that was a disaster?

His mom is non-confrontational at all. Are you? Usually, yes, I am. She's super easygoing. So when she freaked out at him over the phone, and this is all all from him that we would only be able to stay for so long. It was kind of like, OK, is this what we're going to be dealing with every year when we decide to just go to my family? I mean, that type of thing. And I think part of my stress comes from like how my husband doesn't like handle letting people down very well.

And I'm kind of just like, well, it is what it is. Yes. And so you have a, an avoider and a catastrophizer all in the same house. And when an avoider is married to a catastrophizer, but the catastrophizer always feels is that we are about to drive off a cliff. And the avoider is like, it's cool.

There'll be a road. There'll just be a road. And the catastrophizer is like, there's no road. There's no road. There's no road. And then usually there is a road or there's not,

but there's not even a fall and everyone just, it's a lot of spinning up in chaos for nothing. Is that fair? Yeah, that sounds pretty accurate. Have you ever told him, I don't like that you won't address this head-on with your mom? Because you almost have been dating for a while.

This can't be a surprise. Right. I don't know if I've ever said it very clearly. I think I just get annoyed with him. Yeah, there you go. Because you want him to read your mind and say to his mom exactly what you would say to her if it was your mom. But he won't. And then you just stay quiet.

And you know where that all leads, right? Right. To resentment. And then you just get super angry all the time. And then he gets angry that you're angry and y'all don't know why each other isn't just doing what... And then we end up in... The catastrophe you were so scared of is a self-fulfilling

prophecy. So, you ready for my little simple foolproof plan here? Sure. Do you know what it's going to be? Is it going to be the emails? Like emailing this is what we're doing?

You can. That's what I would do. That's what I do. That's what I was going to say I do do, but I didn't want to say that. That's what we do in my house. But do you not want to do the email? Are you scared of it? I just don't think it'll go over well.

It probably won't because here's why. Your husband hasn't had this conversation yet. Right. So y'all aren't at email land yet. What you need to do is sit down with your husband and say, we're going to head this off at the pass. I'm not going to be nervous, or I'm not going to want to avoid holidays for the rest of our life.

Thanksgiving, Christmas, Halloween, those things are too precious. They're too important to communities and the neighborhoods and the family units. We're not going to avoid that. And so this year already, we're going to put a stake in the ground and say, this is what we're going to do. So y'all have that conversation. Have you had that conversation that this year we're going to go to Thanksgiving this year and Christmas on that year, and we're going to alternate every year, whatever it's going to be. Have y'all have that conversation. Have you had that conversation that this year we're going to go, we're going to go to Thanksgiving this year and Christmas on that year. And we're going to alternate every year, whatever it's going to be. Have y'all had that conversation yet?

Yeah, we kind of have. I've told him what I think would be best. He kind of is just like, I don't want to talk about the holidays. Yeah. So we need to talk about the holidays. Yeah. And if he doesn't want to talk about the holidays, you need to be very clear with him about letting him know this is stressing you out.

The lack of clarity on what we're doing. More importantly, I'm your new wife. And whether I want to or not, whether it's wise or not, I don't want your mom to not like me right now. As lame as that sounds, I don't want that. So I want to get some clarity on the holiday season before we enter into it. I want to get clarity on our calendar. I want to get clarity about who's buying what gifts for who and how. Let's just get all that down. And I think being real clear, you say he doesn't want to talk about it, but you also said you're not very clear with him. I think letting him know, here's going to be, these are going to be the important big rocks for me.

And I want these to be important, big rocks for us. And I want to dream about what is Thanksgiving going to look like and Christmas going to look like. And then let's be honest with all of our family members, reverse engineering that. And at some point, yes, you'll probably get to the email world or he can just have a clear conversation with his mom. And my hope is he will not be a coward about that, but will tell his mom, hey, mom, here's what we're doing for the holidays. Not, I hope it's okay.

And here's what we were thinking about. Here's what we are doing. Me and my new wife, my little new family. This is what we're gonna do. And mom's gonna bang her head up against that boundary. And then you'll have to hold firm. And then mom will know, oh, cool. if I want to be in my kid's life because they're adults just like I raised them,

then I'm going to be a part of their holidays, not the other way around. Is that fair? Yeah. And by the way, expect her to be sad because she has a picture of what her married son's life is going to look like. And it's probably going to involve a lot of her. And it's going to be hard for her to realize that's not how that works. And so she'll kick and scream and act like a child.

You can't control that. You can just know, she loves her son. She loves me. And she had a picture of how this was going to go. And we made it different. So, ta-da. And you know I've said this a lot. The earlier you can work through life where you love your mother-in-law, you respect her, but she doesn't get a vote in

your decisions, the easier and more, the better your relationship will be with her and the lighter you'll walk through life. She doesn't get a vote. Right. Well, it's 10 times easier for me to get along with her than my mother, so. Your mom, that's a whole other call. You struggle with your mom too? I mean, that's like you said,

a whole other call. It's typical mother-daughter stuff. So it's hard for parents to let their kids go be married. And especially I've seen this with mother-daughter relationships. She doesn't want you to experience some of the things she experienced

as a young wife. And it's your life. And so those boundaries are so, so important. You sound like you knew the answer and you don't want to do it. What are you hesitant about? Well, maybe part of it is like I need to know if we're just being like if I'm just being a baby because we don't want to go to both sides. Why would you think that?

It's your holiday. We're young. We don't have kids. It's your holiday. You can do whatever you want. You just got to be honest about it. If you are unclear and kind of wavering, other people will backfill that with their stories. And so if you wait until November 15th to say, oh, we're still kind of deciding what,

then your mother-in-law or your mom is going to create Thanksgiving pictures with y'all in them. So if you're not going to go be clear, way up front, be clear, way up front. If you don't want to go to say we are newlyweds and we're going to do our own thing this year. It's harder when you have kids because then you think, well, I don't want to keep my grandkids from their grandparents. Want them to have a relationship.

If you're going to skip out on stuff, now's the time to do it. We're going to go to, we're in Fargo, North Dakota. We're going to Florida. That's what we want to do for Christmas. We're just going to go by ourselves to the beach and we will send cards. And we get to do that because it's our life and we're grownups. Ta-da. And getting to the place where you're, again, respectful, treat people with dignity, but you're

not apologetic for what you want to do. Your life, you and your husband's life, you'll co-create it together. But there is a desperate need for clarity in your home. Desperate need for you to be honest with him about how you feel. Let him be honest with you about how he feels. And then you'll just co-create this thing together. And then whether that's a phone call, clear phone call or emails to family members, whatever that looks like, man, let that go. And then go have a fun Thanksgiving. Look forward to your holidays. Don't dread them.

Don't dread them. Have the hard conversations and go get them. Thank you for the call. Let's see you rule. Talk to you soon. I actually, I want to know how it all goes. Let's know how Thanksgiving goes. Call me back.

Cause that'll be a fun show. James, we're going to do that show. The Holidays Got Off the Rails show. We need to bookmark that one because that'll just be fun. Or we had the boundaries conversation and it was a disaster. That'll be a fun show too. All right, we'll be right back on the Dr. John Dillon Show. Hey, what if we do like a three-way call where we get the couple and the in-laws

and the other in-laws on the phone and just hash it all out in the air? We got people in the lobby, thumbs up in that. Yes, we're going to do a hash out live on the air and I'll be referee and Kelly will just come in and be like, y'all need to shut your mouth. This will be so fun. I'm in, 100%. I mean, if you want your family to have this conversation live on the air with me as a referee and Kelly and James as referee spectators and with pom-poms and throwing stuff at people, just shoot Kelly an email at johndeloney.com slash ask. Is that what it is?

Yeah. That'd be so good. I can't wait. All right, we'll be right back on The Dr. John Deloney Show. Hey, what's up? Deloney Show. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings

and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. And Kelly sent me this email, and it's a unique take on a question that we get all the time about grief. And so I wanted to go through this email today. Email's from Greg. He said, how can I comfort a friend that is grieving? A close friend lost a relative to suicide. They died by suicide and I don't know what to do.

And I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, eggshells, eggshells, eggshells. What are some do's and don'ts? Great question, Greg. Great question. So whether somebody is passed away by suicide or whether somebody is just had hard stuff going on, whether it's big stuff, little stuff, man, Greg nailed it. How often do we walk through life walking on eggshells? I know so-and-so's wife just moved out on him. I know so-and-so just got fired. I know so-and-so's mom's in the hospital with COVID, whatever. And we just walk around on eggshells. That's so frustrating. And here's why it's super frustrating. Number one, we want to

help. We want to be supportive. We want to love people in our lives and we don't know how to do it. And we feel like there's a certain train track we need to be on and we can't find it. We don't know what it is. And when people are hurting, they need people who will love them. And they know that everybody's walking on eggshells around them. And they know that they're the weird one now whose husband passed away in a car wreck, whose wife is super, super sick. They know. And they also don't have the energy or the time of the desire to teach everybody in that moment. And so they end up spending more and more time alone and it gets to become this recurring cycle of avoidance and loneliness and please

reach out. And I want to reach out, but I don't know how. So great, great question, Greg. Here's a couple of things that have served me well. I don't do how. So great, great question, Greg. Here's a couple of things that have served me well. I don't do this perfectly all the time, but this is the way I've tried to get through it and the way I teach people to get through it. Number one, don't ignore it. One of the things we think, like we have somebody who passed away from suicide, died by suicide. Somebody is, mom is sick. We think that if we bring it up, that we are going to suddenly remind somebody of this hurt. If we bring it up, we're going to suddenly, they're going to be like, oh, I wasn't even thinking about that today. And now you reminded me. That's not how it works. If my mom's

in the hospital, I know she's in the hospital. If someone I love has just passed away, I know they've passed away. So number one is don't ignore it. Don't avoid it. Lean into that discomfort. And most of the time, the discomfort is on you. I don't know how to ask if your mom with cancer is doing okay. I don't know how to ask if you're doing okay after your husband just moved out on you. You say directly, I know your mom is sick and she's not doing well. How are you? I'm still heartbroken that you lost your wife in a car wreck.

How are you doing? How are we doing right now? That's a question I ask a lot. I don't want people to feel alone. How are we doing? You're on my team and how are we doing? And it's just leaning into that conversation, not avoiding it, not beating around the bush, but going directly into it. You are not going to remind somebody that they are grieving or hurting. You're not. In fact, the more you can lean and say, you're not by yourself, it will send messages to their brain that says, I've got a tribe, I've got a gang, I've got people with me. They might burst into tears. They probably won't.

They probably will say, things are really hard right now. Or they'll lie to you and say, things are fine. So number one, don't ignore it. Number two, ask directly, how are you doing? How are you doing? And the next question beneath that, how are you doing, is what can I do to love you right now? Now, if you are 55 years old and you're talking to some grizzled old buddy of yours, you may not say, hey man, how can I love you better right now? But you can say, are you eating? Are you sleeping? I'm bringing dinner. What night this week works for you? Because if you say, hey, do you need anything? They're going to say no. Say, I'm bringing food this week. I'm getting you DoorDash this week. I'm going to, I'm sending an Amazon delivery to your house, period. You can speak

into what's going to be in there. Otherwise, I'm going to Amazon delivery to your house, period. You can't speak into what's going to be in there. Otherwise I'm going to get bananas and send something. But it is leaning into how can I demonstrate that I care about you and that you matter to me. Often people are going to say nothing. I'm fine. I'm good. All that. Beneath that, number four is ask, letting them speak into it. What I mean by that is don't just show up to somebody's house over and over and over again, but do ask, can I come by? Let them say, no, thank you. Not today. And then you don't get your feelings hurt. This isn't about you. This is about them. So reaching out and saying, Hey, can I come by today? Are you up for a phone call today? I'll shoot a text message Are you up for a phone call today?

I'll shoot a text message. You up for a phone call today? Can we chit chat? Not today. I'm not feeling like I can talk on the phone today. Or sure, I'd love to. And you can talk about funny things or silly things. And going back to number one, you can be really direct.

I'm so sorry that you lost so-and-so. I'm still with you. How are you? How are we doing? Are you eating? Are you doing? Are you eating? Are you sleeping? Are you going for walks? And the last thing that I always think this is important is to send handwritten letters that they can, when people are struggling and they're in grief, their heads are all over the place, their hearts and their minds and their bodies are responding

all over the place. And there's something about a handwritten letter that they can go back to and go back to. I've heard from parent after parent, after parent, after parent, whose kid has passed away, that letters are gold. They are worth their weight in gold because they can hold them and go back to them and go back to them and go back to them. It's just a currency of love. And so write letters, handwritten letters, notes, draw funny pictures. I've sent crazy things in envelopes, just to be a, just, I want someone to open an envelope and they'd be like, what the hell are you doing? I just want to add a moment of levity or a moment of love, a moment of I'm thinking about you, but you can reach out. All of this comes back to this one thing. Don't shy away from

it. Lean into it. Followed by, let somebody else tell you how you can best love them. One of the worst things we can do is to say, somebody's hurting. I know what they need. And then we try to do something that is counterproductive. It's not going to help them. So I hope that helps. Great question, Greg. Great question.

We'll link to some stuff in the show notes if we've got it. And thanks for trying to love people in your community, Greg. That's awesome. All right. As we wrap up today's show, we're going to go back to Alyssa from Fargo for her and her 10-day-old marriage. She loves that husband, loves him, but it's the mother-in-law and her mother, all of it. I'm going to remind you, Alyssa, of what the great Bill Withers, the great Grover Washington Jr., their joint song went a little bit like this.

It's called Just the Two of Us. I see the crystal raindrops fall and the beauty of it all is when the sun comes shining through to make those rainbows in my mind. When I think of you sometime, I want to spend some time with you. Just the two of us. We can make it if we try. Just the two of us.

Just the two of us. Just the two of us building castles in the sky. Just the two of us. Who, Alyssa? I was going to say you and I, but it's not you and I it's you and husband I just made this weird as always on the Dr. John Deloney show