The Dr. John Delony Show - Open Marriage, Mom Guilt, & Anxiety During Life Transitions

Episode Date: October 9, 2020

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that gives you real talk on life, relationships and mental health challenges. Through humor, grace and grit, John gives you the tools you need to cut through the chaos of anxiety, depression and disconnection. You can own your present and change your future—and it starts now. So, send us your questions, leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291, or email [e-mail]. We want to talk to YOU! Show Notes for this Episode 2:27: I'm a single mom struggling with guilt 10:50: My daughter battles anxiety/depression; how do I help her transition to college?  Finding Meaning - David Kessler 18:59: My son is in an open marriage; I don't approve and he doesn't want a relationship 29:53: How do I talk to my parents and teen about my mental health struggles? 38:13: Lyrics of the day: "You'll Find Your Way" - Andrew Peterson tags: mom guilt, single mom, anxiety, depression, college, open marriage, relationship, David Kessler These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we're going to be talking about anxiety, depression, dealing with old grief, how to talk to your kids and take care of yourself. We're going to be talking about open marriage and a disagreement of values between a dad and a son and the pain when the son decides to walk away. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? I'm John, and this is the Dr. John Deloney Show, where I'm taking your calls about your life, about the challenges going on in your homes, in your hearts, in your heads, in your families. We're talking about relationships, relational IQ, parenting, homeschooling, mental health.

We're going to talk about parents who when their kid comes home from school and they say, I would have got an A, but my teacher failed me because they hate me. Their parents, they don't race up to the school to start World War III. They pause and they think, hmm, my kid's seven or 12 or 17 or 22. Maybe they had something

to do with their failure and not the professional licensed teacher who probably loves kids, makes less money than they're worth and works 24-7, 365 because they just want to help the next generation. Maybe it was my kid. So parents like you, I salute you. And maybe we'll talk about you today. Here's the deal. We talk about anything and everything on the show. So whatever's going on in your heart, in your mind, in your home, I'm here to walk with you. Give me a call 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. And again, don't forget to email me at askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. That's askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. We've got a whole full board of calls here, dude.

So let's go right to the calls. Let's go with Jane in St. Joe, Missouri. Jane, how are you this morning? I'm great. Thanks for taking my call. Thank you so much for joining our show here. Hey, I'm doing awesome. Awesome.

How can I help? Yeah, so I'm just really struggling. I'm a single mom and I'm struggling with trying to find balance with everything that's going on right now. Obviously, the pandemic and all of that. But I have full custody of my young child, second grader. She's in a very intensive school program. I'm also in an intensive master's program. And I'm just really struggling with trying to find the balance of hiring a

babysitter and when I should hire a babysitter and budgeting for that. And that it's okay to spend the money on that versus everything else and just trying to figure out how to handle all of that. So let's back up a little bit. What are you getting a master's degree in? It's an MBA in finance. Oh, very cool. So you're a smart person.

You're absolutely the smartest person on this phone call. All right, so how long have you been single? How long have you been single? How long have you been working through this and figuring it out? I've dated off and on for the last six years, but really nothing more than about nine. I mean, there was one that was nine or 10 months. It was pretty serious. But that was two years ago.

And how old's your little one? Seven. Boy or girl? A little girl. Tell me about her. She's amazing. She's, so she surprises me every day with just the responsibility that she wants and how helpful she is. And she's so kind and loving and caring. And she just always wants to be with mom. She wants to snuggle with mom. She wants to hang out. She wants to cuddle and it's just, she's great. Very cool. So when you talk about getting a babysitter, tell me about that. Are you talking about, you want to go out and you're struggling with that balance of, are

you allowed to go out? Cause you're a single mom and every second, every spare second, not at work or school should be going to your kids and you've got that kind of guilt or you're worried about dating? Like what are you worried about with? Yeah, I think it's just everything. I mean, her father's not really in the picture. He maybe picks her up an hour or so a week, if that. Some weeks he doesn't see her at all. So I just struggle with like she wants to always be with mom

and mom is so overly burnt out with everything right now that I just, I feel bad telling her no, like, Hey, mommy really needs to do this. I really need to. And sometimes she's okay. If we hire babies, if I hire a babysitter, sometimes she's not, she's like, why did you have to do that? So then I feel worse because she's upset because I left for a couple hours. Sure. So let's, let's get a couple of things into our hearts and minds, okay? Number one, balance is a myth. It's not real, and it doesn't exist, okay? And so working full-time, do you work full-time?

I do, yeah. What's your day job? I'm a project accountant. Oh, so you're just an all-around gangster. Okay. So you're a project accountant full-time. You're going through an MBA program, which is challenging. It's not like some of my programs where we thought through things.

Yours has, like, numbers, right? Yours has facts and figures that you've got to get right. And you also have your number one priority, which is raising a child, right? Growing another human being, modeling what a good mom looks like, what a strong, powerful, brilliant, accomplished woman looks like. You've got a lot on your plate. This idea of balance is a myth, okay? So what I want you to think through and think about is when winter – or let me back up. When summer transitions to winter, we don't say that summer is broken, right? We don't say that spring fell apart and then winter showed up.

It's just a part of the seasons, right? It's just the natural flow. So right now you're in a busy season. You're in winter, and it's just cold. And what that means is you got to prep for it. You're not going to have as many front doors, sitting around in shorts and t-shirts and flip-flops. It's going to have to be coats and blankets, right? And so it just means you're going to have to plan for it. That's number one. So balance is a myth. You're in a messy season. You're in a busy season. It's going to pass,

but you're in it, and just acknowledge it. It's winter. It's cold. It is what it is. The third thing is this. You have to put your oxygen mask on first before you're going to be any use to your daughter. You've got to be well. And what a lot of parents do, particularly single parents, is they start chasing out of guilt, out of frustration, out of, I want to make sure that I can fill both of these parent roles, all these parent roles, complete these circles, is they just start running around and the kids end up driving.

And to put your heart and mind at ease, let me tell you, that's going to bury your kid. It's a lot of pressure to put on a kid to run a household. It's a lot of pressure to put on a kid to make sure mom's okay, to make sure I'm always okay, to make sure I'm always in contact with mom. And so your job is to make sure you're well, make sure your boundaries are firm and strong. Teach your daughter how to be by herself. Teach your daughter how to self-soothe. Teach your daughter how to be in relationship with great babysitters and great support staff, great support help. And also talk to your daughter about seasons. Mommy's in school right now. It's not always going to be this way, but it's busy right now. And so we work together as a team.

And once you can get out of the balance myth, once you can get out of the, you're failing your kid by taking care of your needs, by getting a break, by going to hang out with friends, by going to laugh and be in community, you've got to have that stuff. Because otherwise your daughter is just going to watch you wither on the vine. She's a young kid. She's going to absorb a lot of that, and she's going to assume responsibility for some of that. And that's going to be a bad dance between you and her for the rest of y'all's time together. Right? So if you had to, if you had to just back out and say, what do you really need every week?

What would that, what would that be? What would that look like? I think I just need to make a more conscious effort of putting the boundary in place. Like, no, we can't go do that right now mommy needs to go meet with this friend and you just need to hang out with the babysitter for an hour or two and i'll be back and then we can go do something different okay jane you just did something really important and i want you to flip this on its head okay i don't want your daughter to be surprised what she's desperate for right now is boundaries and control and predictability. And so I want you to teach her Sunday night is mommy and daughter night.

Monday morning is mommy and daughter night. And this is when we go through what the week is going to look like. This is remember Wednesday night is when mommy goes out with mommy's friends. Remember that Friday night is when mommy goes and spends time with mommy's friends. Remember that Friday nights is when mommy goes and spends time with mommy's friends. Saturday night is when we have our go for hikes time, right? That way, it's not this response. That way, she's not caught off guard. That way, she can begin to build predictability into her week. And she gets to watch a strong, brilliant, powerful mom trying to get through every day. She gets to watch her model intentionality, model planning, model how to manage relationships well and healthy and whole,

starting with taking care of her, putting on her oxygen mask first. And that's you. And I know this is hard. Just hear me say this. I say it all the time on this show, Jane, but you are worth time away. You're worth a good night's sleep. You're worth having friends and laughing. And your daughter has to have that. She has to have a mom who's got relationships outside of this dynamic duo here. The seasons will pass. Summer will come.

Spring shows back up. You'll graduate from that MBA. You'll get that other job that will give you some space. It'll give you some financial space. It'll give you some space with your daughter. It's going to be good, but this month it's cold. You're in winter. This season is cold. Thank you so much for that call, Jane. What a saint. All right, let's go from Missouri over to Kendra in Arkansas. Kendra, good morning. How are we doing? Hey, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call. Thank you for calling. How can I help? My daughter is currently a senior in high school, and she's already selected the college she wants to go to, but she's very apprehensive about making that

transition. She was diagnosed with anxiety and depression in the past, and I just want to know how I can help her with the transition and let her know that it's going to be okay. How are you doing with the transition? It's hard. I was going to say, you don't sound like you're doing well with it she's my baby but i'm also really excited for her to start this next chapter so i i look at anxiety as just an alarm it's just a something that tells us we're disconnected our relationships aren't whole right now there's something fractured in those. Or I'm not safe. I'm out of control. Why are her alarms going off as a young kid?

Why have they been going off? I think it's just a big change for her. She's not comfortable with change. No, no, no. You told me she's already been diagnosed. So what in her childhood has set those alarms off as she's grown up? Well, we had a family loss. Tell me about it. Her cousin was killed in a car wreck about five years ago.

Were they close? Like siblings, yes. I'm sorry. Did she work through that and process that? I think it was really hard for her to, she was only 12 at the time, and I think it was really hard for her to see the people in her life fall apart. We've always been a close-knit family, and she's never really had to experience grief before that. And I think, you know, seeing the people that are supposed to be strong and protect her fall apart, just, I don't think she knew how to handle that. Gotcha.

And that loss still seems really fresh in your heart. It is. So here's a couple of things I want you to think through. Trauma and grief have no clock. They've got no calendar. And those alarms that I'm not safe, that any day I can die in a car wreck, that any day somebody I love and care for and rely on can just be ripped out of my life and gone forever, those they're hurting and crying and hard to console, they think that that damages kids. It actually humanizes adults. It gives kids a window into

the idea that their parents have feelings, that they're real people. They're not robots. And so it may feel untethering at the time, but it actually can be a gift over time, especially if the funeral was good. There's a constant conversation. Death is normed. We grieve the loss, and then we go make meaning on the back end of it. And so what I would, I want you to back out and think less about how's my daughter going to make this transition moving forward. I would love for you to honor your daughter, honor the memory of this cousin by taking your daughter out. She's a senior right now, right? So she's working through her last year of high school. Yes.

What would be a really holy, wonderful, and it's going to be hard and tear-filled. I'd love you all to have a regular weekly breakfast, have a regular weekly walk together, and just say, I'm your mom. I'm going to make you do this. You're a senior, and I don't even care what you think is cool or not cool. And we're going to spend some time together. And I want you to start, like, remember back when we lost a cousin? Like, I want to tell you how I experienced that, how much that still hurts me. And I want you to give your daughter permission and space to feel, permission and space to talk. I want you to teach her about writing a letter to your old cousin, like, hey, I've missed you the last five

years. I'm getting ready to go to college. Here's who I'm going to be. And you can give your daughter a really extraordinary gift, and that is modeling what grieving looks like, what honoring and understanding and experiencing loss looks like. And if that sets off a series of other alarms in her life, which it might, then make sure she's connected to a good counselor. As she transitions out, she's going to need to learn some skills on how to turn the anxiety alarms off. Because here's the thing, anxieties about disconnection, lack of control, are you safe? When you pluck a kid out of everything they know and you plug them into

some strange ecosystem somewhere and say, go get them, then those three things pop up, right? I don't know anybody here. I don't know if I'm safe here, and I'm completely disconnected. Life is unpredictable. And so the alarms are naturally going to go off. So how does that sound when I say that to you? It sounds spot on. Okay. Are you willing to do that for her?

Oh, absolutely. Okay. Are you willing to do that for her? Oh, absolutely. Okay. Are you willing to do that for yourself? Yes. Because my guess is you experience anxiety too. Yes. And my guess is when you experience depression too, and here's all depression is, just think of it as holding your hands and just taking your feelings and shoving them down.

Like to depress. Like you take a popsicle stick and depress your tongue down and shoving them down. Like to depress. Like you take a popsicle stick and depress your tongue down, and they call it a tongue depressor, same thing. And the more those alarms ring and the more we put pillows over the alarms instead of dealing with the house that's on fire, the more and more we quote-unquote depress, the more our body tries to numb us out and do away with those alarms just so we can get through the day and get through the day and get through the day. Losing a young kid can take your heart and soul from you.

You got to have people that walk along with you, and you got to at some point turn and face that storm intentionally. It's hard. It's heartbreaking. But you can find meaning on the other side. And wow, parents, if you can give the gift of teaching your kids, modeling for your kids how to grieve, how to acknowledge loss, how to cry in front of your kids, how to write letters to loved ones that have passed. When those alarms go off that say, you're not safe, you're not safe, how to teach your kid how to go,

I am. Right now, I'm okay. Right now, I'm safe. Oh my gosh, you're talking legacy change. You're talking generational change. And the cousin's not going to be forgotten. The cousin's going to be honored. The cousins who passed away as a young kid,

there's going to be meaning that blooms out of that would we do anything to give the cousin back you're dang right we would we'd trade it all to have her back but she's gone and so how do we make meaning on the back end of that i recommend anybody who's experienced loss who's dealing with the anxiety alarms stemming from undealt with grief. David Kessler's book, Finding Meaning, came out in 2019. Maybe the best grief book I've ever read. I read it straight through and started it right over. It's extraordinary, remarkable. David Kessler, we'll put a link to it in the show notes.

It's world-class if you're struggling with grief, if you're struggling with anxiety out stemming from grief, please check that book out. Thank you so much for that call, Kendra. Wow, what a gift. All right, let's go to William in Lexington, Kentucky. William, how are we doing, brother? I'm doing fine.

And you, Dr. John? Man, I'm getting it. You just made my heart sing a little bit, man. How long have you been in Kentucky? Since 92. That's right. Outstanding. Well, brother, how can I help you this morning?

Well, I recently found out, and I'm really upset about this. I recently found out that my middle 30-year-old son is in an open marriage. Okay. How'd you find out well one night we were sitting he was in my home and we were talking and um he shared that with my wife and i and was it just as an off site just hey what's your favorite movies oh by the way guys i'm uh in an open marriage. I mean, or did he sit down and say, hey, I need to talk to you all about something? No, no, it just popped up like just a little bit of trivia.

Wow. The next morning after I had, you know, essentially settled down a little bit, I told him that I will always love him, but I will never approve of an open marriage. And so that went on for maybe a month. And then I went up to his home and he and I sat down and spoke. And I prefaced my talk with, you know, I will always love you. You will always be my son. I will respect your wife because you chose her, but I will never approve of your open marriage. And he admitted to it that he's in an open marriage and apparently he's been in an open marriage since they've been married for three years. And to make a long story short, he essentially what he said was, I will go with people that still love me no matter what I do. And so essentially he counseled me out.

So my question to you is, where do I go from here? Where do you want to go, man? Well, I will never approve of an open marriage right um my judeo-christian beliefs will not allow me to do that there's just no way in the world hey brother i'm telling you common sense tells you it's not a good idea right no i'm a christian guy too i share your values there but there's just common sense, right? Well, I shared with him that there was a 92% chance that they will get a divorce. They will always have trust issues.

They do not have any children, but if they have children, then who's going to be the father? You know, all those things. We spoke of all those things. So let's back out a little bit. This is a hard question I'm going to ask you, okay? Okay. Did he come to you to ask for your approval? Yes.

And so when he sat down with you, he said, Dad, I want your blessing on this well essentially before we met the last time he sent me various articles in support of an open marriage oh good god so he's trying to uh convert you yes okay so he sought your opinion you gave it to him he didn't like what you had to say and he said we'll phooey on you. Correct. Okay. And so when he says, I'm canceling you out, old man, does that mean he doesn't want you to come around? Does that mean he says, I'm never coming to your house, you and mama's house again? What does that mean?

Yes, that he doesn't want to come to the house. He doesn't want to be around us because in his last text to me, he said that he has Christian friends that support what they do, and that's who he will reciprocate his love to. Okay. Had that text hit you? Well, I would like to meet the Christian friends. I would too, man. I would too.

But put those friends aside, put those thoughts and ideas aside. How did that hit you? I didn't like it, but I'm not going to sell out to the devil to gain the favor of my son. Okay. So where you find yourself is this. You've got some principles and values that you're standing firm on. You made a commitment. And values and stances often come at a cost.

And I don't know that there's a greater cost than losing connection with your son. And I don't think you lost that connection. I think your son asked you for your thoughts and opinions. You gave them. And then he made a decision to walk away. And as a parent of a child,

I mean, you're not a parent of a child. You're a parent of a grown man. He's 30, you say? He's 36. Yeah, he's 36. He's almost 40 years old. He's making a decision to walk away based on, he's doing a grown-up temper tantrum

saying, I don't want to be around my daddy because I have just different opinions than him. And he's just selecting to walk out. And that leaves you two options. Go running after him and say, honey, honey, honey. Or to say, my door is always open for you. My car door is always open. I will get in and come visit you. I'll come hang out. I will love you. But if he chooses to walk away from you, he chooses to walk away from you. Yeah.

And that's heartbreaking and that stinks. I mean, you're in an either or choice right now. Actually, you're not, man. And I'm thinking this out loud as I'm talking. He's making the call, dude. Yes. And it's his decision to make. That's right. So here's what you need to do.

You need to, and this is probably not a popular thing for older gentlemen in Kentucky, all right? And I just made a gross generalization, and all the people from Kentucky can send me mean cards and letters. I understand. But listen, you are going to have to grieve the separation of your son because where this is really quickly going to turn in your heart and mind, if you don't deal with it, it's going to turn into bitterness. It's going to turn into anger. And it's going to be like that old AA saying,

which is you're going to be poisoning yourself hoping somebody else dies. Correct. You're going to have to grieve the fact that your son and you have different opinions on open marriages or closed marriages, and that he chose to walk away from you because he didn't appreciate what you had to say. He is choosing friends over dad. Yes. At this time,

that's correct. I want you to hear me, though, Will. That hurts and that stinks and I'm sorry. Yes, it does hurt, but I'm a man of principle.

You are, but behind that principle, behind that principle is a daddy. Yeah. And I don't want you to miss that. Because behind principle and behind values are people. And sometimes we stand really strong on principles. We stand really strong on principles We stand really strong on values And we ignore That dad

That remembers playing catch with his boy And you gotta honor that guy too It's okay to have principles And values and it's okay to be sad Those aren't incompatible Okay And what I'm telling you is if you don't honor the sadness If you don't honor the grief that your son chose to Bail on for a season, and I think you're right, he's going to come back.

He knows his old man loves him. I think he's going to circle back. But if you don't grieve that, it will turn to bitterness, and it will crush you. Okay? Well, I've shared it with my sisters, and it's not something that I have kept to myself. Right. Because historically, I have found when I tend to internalize things like, not like that, but internalize things that stress me or cause me stress, then it becomes worse. There you go. then it becomes worse. And so from the get-go, I shared with my sisters,

and they felt, you know, it just felt good to get it out. Yes, sir. Good, good. Stay in contact with them, and don't be afraid to not rally people around to support you, but don't be afraid to, even if you've got to text them, it's not the best way to do it, afraid to even if you got to text them it's not the best way to do it but even if you got to text them text your sisters text a friend an old buddy and just

say i miss my son today and i'm sad i'm gonna be all right but today i just woke up and i miss my son i'm sad and to all of the dads and the sons and the moms and the daughters out there, be careful about canceling relationships. Even if you disagree, even if you all have core virtue issues, love your parents even if they think differently than you, even if they try to give you wisdom. I know when you're 20 and 30 you think you know everything, and I figure out this new solution to this and this,

and I want to go run and feel good over here. Man, I'm telling you, even if they don't know how to say it right, your moms and dads love you. I have yet to see the data that open marriage solves anything. I haven't seen it. I don't think it's a good idea. I think it's a terrible idea. I wish people would sit down and have deeper, harder conversations with their spouses about what they want, what they need from

one another. That's a whole other different conversation. And that's what this call presented as. That's not what this call was about. This call is about a dad who's got some firm principles, who is honest with his son. Son came to him and said, hey, dad, what do you think about this? And his dad said, I think that's not a wise decision, son. I don't think that's wise at all. I think you're going to end up hurt. I think you're going to end up in a mess. And I love you, and I don't want you to be in a mess,

and I don't want to see you hurt. And his son threw a temper tantrum and took his ball and went home and said, fine, daddy, I've got other friends who are different than you. They'll let me just do whatever I want and they'll high-five me and say, You do you. You go, you take care of you. Those aren't friends, man. Those aren't friends. Whoo! Alright, I'm gonna take a breath. William, thanks for that call, brother. Alright, let's transition over. Let's take one more call. Let's go over to Jennifer in Raleigh, North Carolina.

Jennifer, how are you this morning? I'm doing well. I hope you are. Thank you for taking my call. Hey, thank you so much for calling in. How can I help? So about, well, most of my life I've had some mental health issues. And about five years ago, I went and sought help and got on medication. And it seems to be working pretty well. But my question is, ever since I was younger, I've kind of gotten the impression from my parents that they don't necessarily believe in medications, that it's more of a mindset. And I'm trying to figure out a way to open those communications with them and let them know what's going on with me. And on the flip side, I have a 15-year-old daughter

that I would like to open those lines of communications up with as well. That's awesome. That's some good stuff here. Okay, so number one, why do you feel like you need to tell your parents what's going on? Well, honestly, I think my mom might have some issues that she could benefit from talking to somebody about. But truthfully, I am a single mom and my mom and dad are my emergency contacts. And if something was to go wrong, they need medical issues and things like that. I don't want them to ever be surprised if something comes up. Do you think something's going to come up?

No, no. But at the same time, you know, it's just one of those things that I would like for us to have the open communication. So then, I don't know, I kind of, I guess I want my parents' approvals on things like this. Ding, ding, ding, ding. So here's the deal. There's a fantasy with that one that you're going to have to let go. Okay. And the sooner you can put that one down and let it just flutter off like a

butterfly, my guess is that will be one of the first steps towards you having healing in your heart and mind. Okay. You're not going to get their approval on this one is my guess. Gotcha. If they are, and I know folks like this, they've got good hearts. I don't think they're evil. They just think mental health is a crock.

They think that anybody taking them Galdoran pills is just a knucklehead or weak or a wimp or whatever. Right. And you're just not going to change their mind. They're going to get defensive. You're going to get defensive. You're going to feel hurt. You're not going to get the approval that you were seeking, and it's going to be three steps back for your own wellness.

And so the biggest gift you can give yourself is to take them out of your box. And what I mean by that is you should have a box of people, three or four of them at the most, maybe five if you're crazy, and they're the ones who get to speak into your life. And I do have that. I do have friends that I do share that with and things like that. I just, I guess I also want to be able to open it up with my daughter. And if my daughter brings it up to my parents, because they have a pretty open relationship as well. Sure. So this is, that's a whole other conversation. I 1000% think you should sit down with your daughter and be honest and open.

Okay. I think that's a wonderful gift that a mother can pass along to her daughter, this idea, especially a single mom. Here's some of the challenges I've gone through. Here's some of the things I'm doing to take care of myself, to put my oxygen mask on first, how to take care of myself so that I'm whole, so I can take care of you and love you the way you deserve to be loved. But more importantly, to model it. You can tell her everything you want but after you all have a series of conversations you teach her about what's going on in your heart and head then she's going to watch you closely and she's going to learn from you

what a strong brilliant powerful awesome woman does when she's struggling right and they don't go to war with people who they're not going to, it's just going to be futile, right? They don't try to convince people that don't want to be convinced. They don't invite themselves into conversations that they know is going to end painfully. And so, yeah, I would let your mom and dad go. Don't cancel relationships with them.

Like I was just talking about. No, no, no. We have a great relationship. They're great parents and everything like that. I've just always gotten the impression that they don't think the way I do on this topic. Sure. And so I think a key for you is to make peace with it in your heart. And then if it comes up naturally, because I'm getting from your call,

you don't feel super sold on it. And when we don't feel super sold, we feel like we go tell other people in our lives and we rally them around to our way of seeing things. And it helps us feel better about what we're doing. And so if you're finding peace and you are finding wellness, and you're working with a counselor or a physician towards taking care of yourself, then go with that. Trust the professionals there and go with it. And then if it comes up naturally in conversation, you can be like, oh yeah, mom, I've been in counseling for a while. I went through a divorce. You just kind of nailed it on the head with the whole getting peace with

myself about it. I never thought of it that way. Yeah. You have lingering, you're carrying some of their baggage with you. Right. So can I just, can we, can I ask you something? I tend to think anxiety, depression, those, those are just signals. They're alarm systems. Right. That tell me one of three things. I'm disconnected. My relationships are busted. I am not safe. Something in my ecosystem is telling me I am not safe. Something in my ecosystem is telling me I'm not safe, and it may be childhood traumas that are rearing their heads,

or I'm out of control. I'm in a situation where I can't control anything, and I don't feel like it's going to end well. Why are your alarms going off? Probably the latter, the out of control and needing to get more control. When did you start spinning out? Honestly, when I was, I remember being really young and thinking about reaching out to psychiatrists and things like that back when I was a teenager. Did you grow up in a chaotic situation?

No, no. My parents were great. Everything was great. Maybe I kind of felt that I was luckier than most people with things like that. But no, no, nothing that I can recall at all. That's fantastic. And so you find yourself a single mom working through it. I think you are, I mean, you're being brave.

You've got to trust your counselor. You've got to trust your doctor. And then you've got to have an open dialogue with your daughter. Have an open dialogue with your daughter. Be a great teacher. Be a mom, not a friend. You're her mom, but be a great teacher. Be a great teacher Be a mom Not a friend, you're her mom But be a great teacher Be a great modeler And then just love your parents for who they are They're going to have their thoughts on things If they invite you into a conversation

Be honest, of course If they say, hey What is all this about this counseling stuff We hear about on the internet Every once in a while You can say Mom, I've been in counseling for a while, and it's extraordinary. Or if they say, What do you think about this medication? I think it's nonsense.

You can say, Anxiety medication helps turn the alarms down a little bit. It helps turn the alarms down a little bit so that I can actually do the hard work of getting well. I'm not going to be on them forever, but they really do help turn that sharpness down just so I can actually hear a counselor. I can start hearing relationships. I can start trusting myself again. I can connect fully with my daughter because I don't have both hands over my ears trying to protect myself from these alarms. Man, you're talking about legacy change there.

You're talking about really changing the way your daughter grows up, Jennifer, the way she sees her mom, the way she sees herself, the way she's going to see her daughters. That's a brave, brave move. Vulnerability requires courage and bravery, and it's the right thing to do. Good for you, Jennifer. Good for you. So as we wrap up, I'm going to throw an audible here. I had a set of lyrics that I was going to read, but they were only the second best song of all time. And I think this show deserves the first greatest song of all time. This is off the 2012 record, Light for Lost Boy.

I remember hearing this song on my front porch and I remember doubling over and weeping for my young son, for the students I was working with, and for truth that often exceeds my understanding. It's by Andrew Peterson. It's called You'll Find Your Way. He writes, when I look at you, boy, I can see the road that lies ahead. I can see the love and the sorrow, bright fields of joy, dark nights awake in a stormy bed. I want to go with you, son, but I can't follow. Your first kiss, your first crush, the first time you know you're not enough, the first time there's no one there to hold you, the first time you pack it up and drive alone all across America, please remember the words that I told you.

Keep to the old roads. Go back to the old roads. And you'll find your way. This is the Dr. John Deloney Show. on his show.