The Dr. John Delony Show - Our Fights Are Getting More Intense and It Is Scaring Me

Episode Date: April 14, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A wife worried about her husband’s aggression during fights - A single mom who wants to stop letting her ex back into her life - Delony’s candid thoughts on all things workplace and leadership Lyrics of the Day: "Workin' For A Livin'" - Huey Lewis & The News Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I think that physical abuse is in my future from my husband. Are you hearing what you're saying? I think that I've tried to convince myself that it's not that bad. It's getting too scary. Brittany, get out. What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

Show that's here for helping you change your marriage, helping you change your life, helping you change your fitness and nutrition and your mental health. How to be a better parent. That's what we're doing here on the show. And man, I'm so grateful that you're with us. If you want to be on this show, That's what we're doing here on the show. And man, I'm so grateful that you're with us. If you want to be on this show, talk about what's going on in your life, how you can make the next right choice. Give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291,

or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And right off the top, if you are struggling with, you've been married 10 years and you feel like you are six inches apart 6 000 miles away from your spouse If you are staring at your kids and you're like, who are you? Go to johndeloney.com and pick up questions for humans. There's a million different decks. There's decks for work. There's decks There's a couple for couples. There's one for dating. There's one for kids Pick up questions for humans and sit down and begin to re-engage with your family. The season of screens obsession is over. The season of letting TikTok parent your kids, it's over. It's over. Go pick up Questions for Humans and let's start reclaiming our homes and our mental health and our marriages, all of

it. Let's do it. All right, let's go out to Toledo, Ohio and talk to Brittany. What's up, Brittany? How we doing? Good. How are you? Partying, man. What are you up to? That's not true. I'm on an early lunch break. Early lunch break? Yeah, talking to you. I was going to say your boss is the worst, but this is like a late breakfast break, but that's great. Hey, whatever. Whatever works. What's happening? How are you? Good. I am excited to hear maybe some advice from you. I think that physical abuse is in my future from my husband. And my question is, how can I get my husband to get professional help when I also kind of fear him

and I'm afraid to make him angry in that encouragement to do that. Did you write this question down before you called? I did practice it out loud. Okay, when you practiced it, did it feel insane as it came out of your mouth? And I mean that like in a fun way. Yeah.

I mean, not like I'm pointing at you, but like in a, are you hearing what you're saying? This phone call is very difficult for me to make. Okay. Because I think that I've tried to convince myself that it's not that bad, but I made myself journal after this last fight because I didn't want to forget. Like, it's getting too scary.

Brittany, get out. Hey, and listen, you know me. I'm always laughing, carrying on. You got to get out. What you are saying is I'm about to be assaulted. I'm about to be abused. What can I do? What is one story I can finally tell him?

What is one thing in the bedroom I can finally, what's one thing I can do so that this person doesn't do a highly irrational illegal act of violence against me. And the answer is nothing. Get out. You got to get out. Why does that sound insane to you? It sounds crazy because I have seen progress in our marriage. But this last fight scared you? Yeah.

Yeah. So there's not progress. You're telling yourself stories. Why? Yeah. Why? Are you scared of what's on the other side? Are you scared of being alone?

What are you scared of? I struggle. And it's okay to be scared of what's on the other side? Are you scared of being alone? What are you scared of? And it's okay to be scared of all that stuff. Right. We are very committed Christ followers. I disagree. I 100% disagree. I don't believe you. Yeah.

Because Christ followers don't beat their wives. Yeah. They don't. you. Yeah. Because Christ followers don't beat their wives. Yeah. They don't. They take a knee. Right. They go get help. Right. And so you've got a bunch of different voices.

You've got your church barking in your ear. You've got knuckleheaded friends who just keep repeating things that should be stitched on pillows to you. You've got misguided devotional guide, whatever. You got to get out. You're worth being safe. Home should be a place where you get off after your early lunch break and you go back to whatever job you're doing. You go home and you smile as you walk in the door because it's such a safe, warm place.

Even if it hasn't happened. Yes. Yeah. At some point, you got to stop blaming yourself. You got to stop coming up with stories to defend this guy. Right. It's absolutely not a Christ follower. And I would say that if he was sitting right here in front of me.

He's using that as cover to do whatever he wants to do in your life What are you scared of I'm being serious. I'm being serious Because I want to do it I want to do what I can in this short call to pull to pull Right shine some light on that fear and let you know that it's probably toothless I I guess I I just think I thought that there was to pull, to shine some light on that fear and let you know that it's probably toothless. I guess I just think I thought that there was something that could be like fixed on his end because it's not.

There can be, but he's got to do the work. Yeah. You can't do anything. I don't think this is who he is. I think it's an ability that he's able to get to No no no no Brittany Stop defending him Stop

You've been defending him to your friends And you've been defending him to your family for a long time It doesn't work with me Stop Yeah Any man Who has a wife It doesn't work with me. Stop. Yeah. Any man who has a wife who is in, believes that she can be physically injured at any moment is not a person of character. All right.

Period. All right. Period. All right. And I've expressed this to him. Like my fear, I've told him like, you know, this is the path that it looks like it's going down. Of course, any person in that situation would say, I never want to do that. So, and he did. And I like, and I've created. has he hit you no no how close has he got just our fights have gotten to the point where it's has he hit the wall by you right or like broken things get out or like get out

until he stops acting Like a nine year old On a bus stop Get out Yeah You've gotta be safe Brittany Cause here's why You're not gonna sleep

Yeah Your body's not gonna let you Because it's trying to Stay safe It's trying to not die And you've How long have you been with this dude? Your body's not going to let you because it's trying to stay safe. It's trying to not die. And how long have you been with this dude? Five years.

And how long did you date before that? Two. So by now, in these situations, you are highly isolated. True or false? Say it. did true or false uh say it it's innocent but but i i have surrounded myself with good people i'm not do they know like one okay you are completely alone in this deal this is what happens this is what happens it's is what happens. It's a common story. It's a common refrain. You start protecting yourself and eventually your friends say, I can't be a part of this. Or there's something about this dude that I don't like. And you get mad at them,

or they get mad at you. And you begin to slowly, that circle of influence gets tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter. And I don't know you. You could walk into this room right now and I wouldn't know because I've never seen you. I have no idea who this person is, but I've heard this story too much. And when I say get out, that doesn't mean forever. What that means is you have the only thing on planet earth you can control is your thoughts and your actions. That's it. True. And your actions right That's it. True. And your actions right now are to be safe. And you are not safe in your own bed.

You're not safe in your own living room. You're not safe in your own kitchen. You're not safe in your own home. Get out. Find a place where you can be safe. Yeah. And then he, and only he, has some significant choices about the therapy he's going to go get. Right. About the mentorship he's going to go get. Right. About

the mentorship he's going to get. He's going to have to deal with his addictions because I guarantee you he's got some. Guaranteed. He's going to have to deal with his anger. He's going to have to deal with his childhood mess. He's going to have to deal with all of it. And listen to me super carefully. I absolutely

1000% do not care what he does or doesn't want to do. Right. I care what he does. Right. I've talked to, I've never met somebody who wants to hit their wife, but they do. Get out. Okay.

And I tell you that because I love you. And if he was sitting right here, right next to me, I I would tell him your wife needs to go away while you get safe And if he wants to call me I would love to talk to him not in a mean macho way But just like I I don't think he wants to be the guy he is but Brittany he is the guy he is Okay Will you get will you commit just just on this call? But, Brittany, he is the guy he is. Mm-hmm. Okay?

Will you commit, just on this call, will you commit to finding a way to be safe, go stay with a girlfriend for two or three or four weeks? It's usually a minimum of 30 days. All right. Because it's not, I mean, you're saying something that I haven't thought about, but like, it's not up to me to like encourage him to get the help. No. Right. A murder victim doesn't encourage her murderer to stop murdering, right?

That's not like he or she has to decide to not murder. Right. Because listen, I want you to follow this track. When you say there's not anything I can do to encourage him, what you're doing is you are saying this abuse, him smashing the wall behind my head, him throwing crap across the house and throwing it at me, getting really close, making a fist and balling it up right by my face,

put his hand on my neck. Those things are somehow your fault. at me, getting really close, making a fist and balling it up right by my face, putting his hand on my neck. Those things are somehow your fault because you need some encouragement and it's not. Right. And he can wrap himself up in, you just make me so mad. He can wrap himself up in his little Jesus flag and he can wrap himself up in whatever crap he wants to wrap himself up in. He's a guy that's terrifying his wife with physical violence. And you,

my friend, Brittany, I want you to be safe. So that's the call. Only thing you can control are your thoughts and your actions. And I want you to think about what it's going to take for Brittany to be safe for a season. And it's probably going to take a minimum of 30 days of you leaving and getting a safe place to stay. And I know that for millions of people in this country, they have got a friend or a family member. They can go has a spare room and millions and millions and millions of people in this country have nowhere to go. Maybe a friend's couch for 30 days. Maybe another apartment that they can scratch up enough pennies and nickels to sign a 30-day lease. And it's sketchy and scary, and I know all that. It's terrifying. Or maybe it's you get with your employer, and you get with your employee assistance program, and you go talk to a counselor and say, I'm terrified for my life.

Is there any community resources in my community where I live right now? But you got to stay safe. And then you'd be very clear to him. Here's my guidelines for staying in relationship with you. If you ever threatened to hit me again, it's over. I'm out. If you ever ball your fist up or smash something in this house, I'm out. If you ever scream and yell at me, I'm out. If you swear at me, I'm out. If you ever scream and yell at me, I'm out. If you swear at me, I'm out. If you cheat on me again, I'm out. Because the out, that's what you can control. All this other nonsense is what he can control.

You're worth being safe and you're worth a loving, warm relationship. And you're worth way more than what he's given you right now. Choose safety. Choose safety. Choose safety. We'll be right back. All right, let's go to Nicole in Cyprus.

What's up, Nicole? How we doing? Hi, Dr. Deloney. How's it going? I'm good. How are you? Good, good, good, good. What's up?

So when I initially wrote in, it was titled like single mother with no village. I guess I struggle a lot. I have a three-year-old and a two-year-old. Okay. And their dad is not in the picture. We decided on starting a family. And then I guess once my son was born, about three months into it, I found out that he was being unfaithful. So, you know, that was right before.

That was actually right before the pandemic started. So then we were stuck inside a one bedroom apartment with a newborn and just nowhere to go because there was a big shutdown over here in California. Well, everywhere, but you know where I am. But a lot in California. Yeah. Yeah. So, um, it was hard. And I guess since then, you know, it's, I think we tried to like kind of make it

work and everything and then it didn't. So we separated ways. And ever since we have not lived together, which was in 2020, I get little less and less support from him. And then I guess it's just become more and more toxic because I think he just walks in and out whenever he wants. Is there no custody arrangement? Did y'all go to court? We didn't. You need to do that. I know.

And I know you don't want to, but you need to do that. And even if you don't think enough of yourself to do it for you and your safety and your economic security down the road? Do it for your kids. Yeah. Do it for your kids. So I guess like I struggle because, and I have them like 99% of the time he sees them a few hours, a couple of days a week until it's a season where he decides he wants to show

up and be more frequent. But most of the time, it's just- Listen, that's destroying those kids. I know. Stop. No. Are you still intimate with him? You still sleep with him every once in a while?

No. When's the last time you were together? Like, intimately was maybe last summer. Okay. Because he said he wanted to try. No, no, you don't have to give me a because. You don't have to give me a because. I'm not trying to do it to shame you. I'm trying to, at some point,

you're getting something out of this too. And it's not sex. We make that. There's this profound loneliness and this profound, you had a picture of what life was going to be like with two kids and a family and y'all agreed on it. And I don't think you've let that picture go yet. And you're still trying to hang on. And every time he pops in and out of that picture, you're like, oh, there it is.

It could happen. It could happen. And then he comes in in the summer and he's like, hey, let's make this thing work. And then you feel used in the whole, you see what I'm saying? Yeah. The picture's over. And what the world and your kids are desperate for nicole is for you to to draw something new okay is that is that fair tell me i'm wrong man tell me you're gonna make this thing work no i i mean i have gotten no contact with him for a while now so it's just been you know i guess i guess i fear when he does try to do it you know again because recently he's pretty many i mean i did file like i had to file

a restraining order um because so you've no contact ordered him like so you've you've been yeah go through the paperwork yeah so yeah and they just, they just were able to serve him recently for the child support papers and stuff. I guess the child, I mean, not child support. Yeah. Child support,

but not that we haven't done custody stuff. So are y'all legally divorced? Are we all ever legally married? No, we were never legally married. Okay. Okay. Yeah.

Go through, go, go through the paperwork process and clear some of these lines up. And when you do that, Go through the paperwork process and clear some of these lines up. And when you do that, it's going to be so relieving and it's going to be devastating at the same time. And I want you to expect both of those, okay? Okay. The relief of everybody's on the same page.

Now, the chances he pays, if you look at the data across the country, are low. Okay. Right? The chances that he just doesn't show up on a Tuesday anyway, you're going to have to follow those things to a T. Okay. Follow those things to a T. I was working with somebody recently, privately, whose kids out of town showed up the night before and just called their spouse and said, hey, can I go ahead and showed up at night, uh, the night before and just called their spouse and said, Hey, um, can I go ahead and take so-and-so our kid out to dinner? I know custody doesn't start. I mean, I know my visitation and start to the morning caused a whole, just follow it to a letter, follow it to the letter, to the letter, to the letter, but you got to get it in writing. You got to get it written down. You got to get a judge to sign off on it. And then there's going to be a finality because you're going to go look at that picture at that canvas and it's going to be completely blank and it's going to be terrifying.

So as far as like the kids, I guess, is what I worry about the most. Like they're fine. Like, you know, they see them, you know, him a few hours a week, you know, twice a week. And they really enjoy those times. But it's magic time. It's not real. Right? He gets to play superhero.

He gets to show up and give him Chick-fil-A and McDonald's and ice cream and play for a couple hours and be the cool rambunctious guy. And then he gets to disappear. Yeah. And you have to do math homework. And you have to do bedtimes. And you have to do bath times and you have to do bedtimes and you have to do bath times. So it's not real time. Their experiences with him are, I mean, they're a vapor.

So I guess I worry about like, I know there's going to have to be a season because, well, recently I found out, because we agreed that he wouldn't take them to his apartment because he lives with a male roommate um you know they're in there i think he's in his 30s single um nothing anything's wrong with that but he does have like friends over and i just worry about you know the risk you should you should. You should. All of it. Okay. Listen, Nicole, somewhere along the way, somebody told you that that voice in your guts should just shut up. And I'm telling you

for the first time in a long time, you got to start trusting your gut. You got to listen to that voice because it knows. It knows. You know what's going on in that apartment.

Nicole, you've known that dude for a long time. You know.'s going on in that apartment. Nicole, you've known that dude for a long time. Mm-hmm. You know. Yeah. Right? So, yeah. You know.

I'm just worried. You should. You should. That's what I'm telling you. I don't want to. Go get the paperwork done. I mean, how are the kids going to be, like, if they have to go through a season without seeing their dad?

It's going to be hard. Until then. But listen, he left y'all. He left y'all. And it's going to be worse when they're in middle school. And he says things like, I don't know, man, your mom just took you away. And you're going to have to deal with that crap too. Here's what you're doing.

You're playing a 25-year game with them now. Are they boy, girl? What are they? I have a son and daughter. Okay. The little boy is going to be wondering what in the world he did to send dad away. And that little girl is going to wonder what was so beautiful about somebody else that daddy wanted to be with them and not mommy and me.

Unfortunately, you letting him come in and out of your life is not going to answer those questions for those kids. It's going to be a long game of you showing up and showing up and showing up and showing up and showing up. And when they look back, they'll go, Oh golly, dang dude. But in the, in the,

in the meantime, you can't expect an 11 year old, a six year old, a nine year old, a 15 year old to not want to go where the cool stuff's happening. Dad's cool roommates. And you know what I mean? That's where every kid's going to want to go there.

That's where they need an adult in their life that says, hey, I love you enough to say no. I love you enough to give you some stability, some safety. And unfortunately, dad's not playing that game. Okay. And what this also means is you're going to have to get some people in your life. You're going to have to get a couple of girlfriends that you trust deeply, that you can email, that you can text, that you can call, that will come over in the middle of the night, that will go out and hang out with you. You're going to have to get those folks in your life.

You can't do this by yourself. Not forever. I haven't done anything by myself you know for myself other than like I guess shower and I guess get my nails done yes listen you think that's normal now

and I'm smiling like as though we're hanging out like I would be laughing and you would be laughing you think nine minutes under hot hot water is your R&R time. It's not. Yeah, I know. Yeah. And maybe no one's ever told you this, but you are worth so much more.

And by the way, my friend, Will Gadara, who's a restauranteur in New York, he tells his staff this. When he, he tells his staff, he always is telling them, his wait staff, you cannot fill up other people's pitchers, other people's glasses if your pitcher's empty. If you want to really serve your customer as well,

you got to go in the back room and fill up your pitchers And only then can you fill up The customer's glasses Same principle applies to you mom All you single moms out there You can't fill up your little kids glasses Unless your pitcher's full And I know

God I know You privileged I know I know I know it's hard for're just, I know, I know. I know it's hard for me to hear that from me. I get that. A hundred percent. Good call out. But I'm telling you, the greatest gift you can give your life when dad walks out on them is a well mom. There's a mom who believes in herself enough and loves herself enough to demonstrate to those kids, here's what self-care looks like. Here's what love looks like. Here's what laughter and joy looks like. Y'all are worth those things.

You're worth those things, Nicole. Hang on the line here. I'm going to send you a copy of my book, Own Your Past, Change Your Future. I want you to read it. I want you to do the exercises in it. And then I want you to call me back and we can talk through.

Here's what we do next. Here's where we go from here. But I want you to call the courts. Let's get this thing in writing. Let's get the custody arrangement down. You've had the no contact order. You've taken care of the child support stuff. Let's go ahead and do this all the way.

Let's get some people in our life, in your life that will walk alongside you. And if you don't have anybody, it's going to be awkward and weird. Because making friends as an adult is the worst, but you're worth it. Every step of the way. Call me anytime, Nicole. Anytime. We'll be right back. All right, we are back and it's everybody's favorite lightning round.

All right, today we're talking about work and leadership. And I have not seen these questions, and so Kelly's going to let them RIP, let them rip. All right, first question. Like she does in the booth all the time. I was kidding. That was a fart joke. I'm sorry. There it is. Go ahead.

All right, first question. What are some qualities that make a great leader? A leader goes first, whether that's doing the hard thing, whether that is being transparent, whether that's admitting faults, that's saying I was wrong, I changed my mind. A leader is somebody who goes first. A leader is somebody who's empathetic. And a leader is somebody who tells the truth. And a leader is somebody that holds themselves and everybody else accountable. Nice.

All right. How do I separate my career and my identity? Oh, gosh. Your career is a job. It's a way to earn a living. Your identity is who you are moving through the world. And so the way I would say that is one of the identities I've chosen to take is I sit with people who are hurting. I sit with struggling people. I did that when i worked at burger king i worked at burger king for four years worked my way up to assistant manager what up but

i worked at burger king um i also was a dean of students i also was a professor i also now i'm a youtuber for god's sake and in every one of those jobs my my identity was i sit with hurting people and lunch rush at burger king. People are standing in line, exhausted, dead eyed, and it's hurting people all through that line. And people call into the show, people are hurting. It's all through that line. So your identity is like who you are. Why are you, why are you operating in the world? And your job is the way you make money. If you're really, really lucky, those two things can work together. All right.

As a leader, I need to have an awkward conversation with a direct report. How do I start the conversation? This is going to be an awkward conversation. I think any other way around that, usually one of two things happens. And I've done both of these incorrectly. You have like a, hey, how's it going? How's the fam? Oh, yeah. How's little timmy? Did his play go? Well, great. That's awesome Hey, you're fired Like there's that way which is just catches everybody off guard

There's the you walk in and you feel like it's a funeral you can feel the weight in there and the You're nervous as a leader and a boss. You're nervous. I'm scared. I'm uncomfortable. That's true too. The best way is just say, hey, we need to have an uncomfortable conversation. This one's going to be awkward for both of us. Here we go. And you got to start bathing before you can. I've had that conversation. You're going to have to start putting on deodorant. Have that conversation. I've had all those conversations. So it starts with, this is going to be an awkward conversation. And if possible,

let me add this. This is going to be an awkward conversation and I need you to know I'm on your team on this. But here's what has to happen. All right. My team went to a happy hour. One of them made an inappropriate joke

that made others uncomfortable. How do I talk to them about it? Very, just like that. Just being offsite, just being drunk is not an excuse. It's a context, right? And so if you get drunk and you say stupid stuff at a bar, well, those people are who you're going to see on Monday. And it goes with you.

And not that this has ever happened to me in my life i've never gone out and said something inappropriate and had to look at those people on monday ever in my life um but you had that conversation direct the same as you would at work because it's inappropriate it's inappropriate it's inappropriate all right kelly what that? That was, that was, somebody put that in for you, by the way. No, but I always laugh at the Christmas party every year because there's always one or two people

that you're like, man, Monday morning. It's going to be awkward for you. They got to come back. I remember a few years ago, Joe Leavitt was like, the guy who,

who, he's worked at the company at live events for a long time. He's, he's an institution here. He's awesome. But he got up and he goes, listen,

this is a Christmas party. And you got to know, where I work at Ramsey Solutions, Christmas parties are, they're unfathomable. Like it's chaos. It's unbelievable. And he said,

this is a Christmas party. Don't lose your job. Don't lose your job. What are you doing? Don't, you know what I mean? And I thought, what are we doing? And then I got in there and I was like, oh, there's some of y'all

that are going to lose your job. Yeah, there's always a couple personal brands that take a hit that night. Whoa, yeah, that's right. All right. So I made a big mistake that could cost the company a lot of money. Kelly.

When I took over this show. How do I own up to what happened gracefully? You ask your supervisor, your leader, for some time, and then you walk, you make sure make i've made this mistake too make sure you have your facts in a row and sometime one time that's the whole story i won't get into it i've thought i've made mistakes to the tune of three quarters of a million dollars before of the spreadsheet error um and then i thought i've made the worst mistake it wasn't that big it was 25 000 bucks and over the course of a multi-million hundred million dollar company. It's not that big a deal

But you walk in and you say i've made a mistake. I screwed something up. I made an error Here's what I think the extent of the damage is and if you've got one or two ideas Here's what I think I can do to help but i'm open for any questions you have And so i'm taking ownership of it. As Jaco says, extreme ownership. I screwed this up. Even if you're like a mid-manager and one of your people screwed up, you're the boss. Walk in and say, this happened under my watch. Don't be one of those leaders that's like, hey, this guy did it. This happened under my watch. One of my staff members did X, Y, or Z. I'm the leader. I'm taking ownership of it. And you might get fired. Your integrity is not worth your job.

You might get demoted. Your demotion is not worth your job. Like, it's not worth your job. Go in there and say, this is what happened. This is what it cost. Here's what I think I can do to help. And often your boss is going to say, God's sakes, don't do anything.

Your solution is terrible. I got a better solution. We'll work together. All right. Hey, that's a much gentler. It's much nicer. We got a lot of feedback about the timer. How mean y'all are to me.

See? Okay, good. Way to go, America. Thank you for your feedback. No, we didn't get comments about that. We got comments about the timer. Oh, okay. Yes.

Because it hurts my feelings. Go ahead. Yeah, that's what my concern is. All right. I know you have feelings on this one because we've talked about it before. Should you be friends with coworkers? No!

Just kidding. All right. Here's my thoughts on coworkers and friends. Yes, you're going to work. I mean, we work so closely together. Of course, we're friends. And I care about folks. And yes, we're going to have close friendship.

And you got to have people outside of work. You got to have people outside of work. Here's what can be unfair. It can be unfair if your only friend community is your workmates and then you come up with a personal struggle. Hey, I'm struggling with my drinking. I'm struggling with my mental health. I'm struggling with X, Y, or Z. And you dump that on a coworker who then has to decide, do I want to stay employed here with this huge secret? I mean, do I want to stay employed? And I've got to communicate to the leadership, hey, this person's not fit to be a nurse or a hospital aid right now. They're struggling with opioid addiction. Or do I have to choose my friendship over my personal responsibility,

my ethical responsibility, my work, and keep this thing a secret. That's not a fair position to put somebody in. And so I can often hear like, man, I can't believe you told, I can't believe you told. So have some friends outside of work that you can divulge everything to, that you can be honest with, that you don't keep secrets from. And yes, have close, close friendships. I just know I'm not going to put Kelly in a position to, I'm not going to come and be like, hey, Kelly, guess what happened this weekend? To where she's got to think,

I might have to report this to my supervisor because John shouldn't be doing a show on marriage because he's got 14, right? I'm not going to put her in that position, right? I don't have, trust me. I'm not 14 anything. 14 anything. But you did not always agree that coworkers should be friends.

No, I've come around a little bit on it. Yeah, the minimalist had a lot. Yeah, I've come around on that a lot. Those two guys are brothers. And I've come around on that. But those two guys also have a level of safety and understanding and care. If one of them came and said, I had an addiction, Josh wouldn't fire Ryan. Be like, oh, well, you're not a minimalist anymore, maximalist. safety and understanding and care. If one of them came and said, I had an addiction,

Josh wouldn't fire Ryan. Be like, oh, well, you're not a minimalist anymore, maximalist, right? Or if like Josh bought a fancy couch, he wouldn't be like, you're a fire. Like, that's not how that works. That's not how their agreement works. At most workplaces, there's codes of conduct. There's lines you can't cross. And I think it's important that you don't double down on secrecy because secrets will kill you. And you end up with this double life and it just comes out. It always comes out and it comes out in explosions. Don't do it. Don't do it. Have friends outside of the office too. But yes, you're going to have friends and people you care about. Don't button. We're there for life because we rock. For life. We rock. That's all I'm saying. All right. I have a coworker that doesn't have good hygiene. How do I say something without hurting their feelings?

Is this about me? No, I swear it's nobody in this room. It's Nate right there. I'm looking at Nate. Come on, Nate. I've had that conversation multiple times in my career. And it goes back to that original thing. You bring him in and say, hey, this is an awkward conversation.

I've gotten multiple requests. Hey, let me say this. If you have experienced somebody's not showering, you've experienced somebody's body odor, it could be cultural. It could be a homeopath. There's always that homeopathic person in the office that's like, I'm using crystals instead of deodorant. You're like, we all can tell, right? Or whatever. I just rub plants on my face and I don't smell anymore. It's like, you for sure do. Or I brush my teeth with charcoal, whatever your thing is. Oh gosh, the toothbrush people are coming for me. It's cool, man. I've got charcoal toothpaste too, buddy. Back it down a notch. I lost my train of thought. Oh, if you've experienced it, don't call somebody into your office and say, Hey man, a bunch of people are telling me because when you do that, people start

to think everybody's out to get them and they're not be a person of integrity, encourage and say, I'm experiencing, you've got extreme body odor and it's becoming very hard to work with you. You got to take a shower. You gotta take a shower You gotta wash your clothes. Are you struggling financially need some help? I've had one time I had to have that conversation with a student and their response to me was I can't afford soap And I said man, we got you. We've got a special fund for that, but they couldn't afford soap, right? That's how they were living. So, um be grace graceful and be Direct and be direct and be kind

and be on the same side of the same team, same team. But one question I have on that. So the question is, I have a coworker. So is that something that as a coworker, is that something that you take to the leader? Who doesn't want to know if they have a booger on their face or a humongous like white zit?

Like somebody, hey, will you tell me? Like I want somebody to know, I got something in my teeth. I would, I would think less of you as my friend if I finished an episode of the show

and I've got like a huge thing in my teeth and I've got, like, like you're my friend. Tell me. Right? That's what I would expect that.

Same as bathing. Had a little piece of biscuit today and I told him. I appreciated it. Yeah. Because then I would be walking around with that biscuit on my face. And if someone's talking to you

and you're like, hey, hard conversation real quick. Dude, you have coffee breath I appreciated it Yeah Because then I would be Walking around with that Biscuit on my face And if someone's talking to you And you're like Hey Hard conversation Real quick Dude You have coffee breath So much that I think That you would Knock down a small child

I want to know that I want to know that I'm going to brush my teeth I'll go get some mints Or something I just don't want to be Dragon breath guy The whole day

Yeah If I've had something In my teeth And I've talked to Multiple people Makes me so angry Yes Makes me think

You're not a good human You're not a good person exactly all right um i don't think my leader leads our team well right i've been telling chris that i'm just kidding go ahead should i talk to their leader about it oh the old end around and i realized on a show that's often about sex i shouldn't have said the old end around um hmm i reserve that's that's a nuclear option for me i reserve that for ethical violations and ethical dilemmas like somebody's asking me to do something that lacks integrity they're asking me to steal to cut corners to change numbers to whatever or i'm witnessing this person themselves have unethical behavior. They're fudging time sheets, they're whatever. Then yeah, I will.

In my life, when I've experienced that, I have looked in the mirror and said, what of this can I tolerate? And what of this can I not tolerate? Once or I think twice, I've left. I've left. I've chosen to go because I don't want to work in this environment

other than throw grenades. Because again, that's just not who I am. And other times I've been like, this particular boss of mine, this leader is just bonkers. And it's just the way it is. And I just put up with it and we move on. What do you think about that? Well, we have to hurry

because I have a meeting with your leader after this. Oh, sweet. What do you think about that? Gosh, that's a hard one. But I kind of agree. I think that you have to decide if you can stay. But unless they're doing something unethical, I just don't see a way that that works out well

if you go to their leader. That's a hard one. I don't see a way that that ends well. If it's like that person's annoying or that person's just rude. Or I don't agree. I don't like a way that that ends well if it's like that person's annoying or that person's just rude or i don't agree i don't like the way they're doing shut up you know i mean like i i decide to be there or don't be there right we have to learn how to work in those kind of because you're not everybody that you work for is not going to be your favorite person right and if that person keeps making racist jokes that person's that person's fudging

the numbers yeah we're gonna have another conversation. Absolutely. Yeah. All right. I run a meeting and two people in the meeting don't get along. It's awkward for everyone else. How do I handle it? You call those two people in a room and say,

hey, we're grownups. We're not children. We're going to solve this problem right now. In fact, you want me to leave? I need to know what's going on here

because this is affecting everybody else. And if y'all two can't get this together, y'all are opting out of working here. You got to go because Because I'm not going to have you two people disrupt this whole thing. And as the leader, that's my job is to call them in and deal with that situation. That's great. All right. Last one. What is the worst career advice you've ever

received? Follow your passion. So stupid. Follow your passion. If that was the case i'd be raising unicorns like in ireland something like so stupid follow actually That's not my passion at all I think um I think that's just poor awful stupid misguided Follow what makes you feel good. That's so stupid. Um Most people most of the time become passionate about what they're really, really good at. And you only get really good at something when you do it over and over and over and you practice it and you get lots of reps in and you fail and you get back up and you go. And most of

us only practice something that hard when somebody's pushing us, whether it's a boss or a coach or a parent. And so ultimately you go all the way down that line. Most of us are really passionate about the things that we do and the things that we're good at because somebody made us put us in uncomfortable situations along the way. A few people I've met him. Will Rutter is one of those guys. He just sits in his room and jams. That guy doesn't need somebody yelling at him. You need to practice. He just practices. And he's one of the best guitarists I've ever heard ever in my life, ever. Most people I know don't have that.

They had parents that made them take piano and take violin and whatever. And then they became, oh, I'm good at this. And then when I play it, he or she smiles at me. I'm going to keep doing this or this teacher high fives me. I'm going to get better. I'm going to get better. And then all of a sudden they're rocking all the bands. Not quite like Dumb Button, but they're still rocking.

That's all. That's it. That's it. That's it. That was it. Oh my gosh. We are solving problems here on this show. We are definitely changing the world. Listen, be a good leader. And if you don't know what you're doing, go to Entrez. What's that? RainSolutions.com, Entrez Leadership. Check them out. They'll get your, you get your mind right when it comes to leadership. Hey, we'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point.

In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrapped up today's show, I didn't know you were going to talk about this, Kelly. Kelly, like right under her neck in Old English

across the top, right by her collarbone, has this tattoo. I need to come up with a new font for my tattoos because apparently they're neck in Old English across the top right by her collarbone has this tattoo. I need to come up with a new font for my tattoos because apparently they're all in Old English. They're all in Old English. All Old English.

So is the name Kelly on the back of your Eldorado that you drive around and that Cadillac that you have. That pink one that drives real low. I really, really, really like

the Old English font. That's your thing, man. It started with that one Thug Life tattoo and it has never you've never stopped getting them. Yeah, never looked back. It's your thing, man. It started with that one Thug Life tattoo. It has never, you've never stopped getting them. Yeah, never look back. It's weird when she's not

wearing makeup and it just says Huey Lewis in the news across her collarbone. But alas, her favorite song, Working for a Living. Here she goes.

Like she's got a hard job, by the way. You're producing a YouTube show. I am tough. I am tough. I'm sorry. It's like herding cats, people. It's hard.

Herding a lot of one cat. Some days won't end ever, and some days pass on by. I'll be working here forever, at least until I die. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I'm supposed to get a raise next week. I know Kelly won't. Working for a living. Taking what they're giving because I'm working for a living.

Let's be honest. None of us on this show are working very hard. But you are. We'll for a living. Let's be honest. None of us on this show are working very hard, but you are. We'll see you soon. Love y'all.