The Dr. John Delony Show - Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife

Episode Date: February 19, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·      A couple struggling with how to handle an uncomfortable situation with their nanny ·      A mom wondering how to explain her brother’s lifestyle to her child ·      A husband unsure how to improve himself without hurting his marriage Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at BON CHARGE. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.  💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne.   🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started!   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights  🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 The EntreLeadership Podcast   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

How do I explain my brother's furry identity to my child in a way that balances both imaginative play with appropriate understanding? He's always been an outcast. Well duh, he's been a squirrel or whatever for his whole life. Right, right. What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Delaney show. I'm so grateful that you're with us talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships and this sideways world that we're all working to right side up inside our homes, inside our cars, inside our chests, our cars inside our

Chests, right? We're all doing our part to make this place a little bit better It's not gonna come from the top down change is gonna come from our neighborhoods from our homes from our classrooms from our church buildings It's gonna come from the inside out So I'm so grateful that you're with us trying to figure out what's the next right move Shows real people going through real challenges. If you want to join us, I'd love to have you give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. Call and leave a message. We'll take your calls from all over the planet. 1-844-693-3291 or right in go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK. You can fill out the form and get on it. We'd love, love, love to have you. All right, let's go out to Dallas, Texas And talk to Laura. What's up, Laura? Hey, John, my question is

How do I explain my brother's furry identity to my child in a way that balances both? imaginative play with appropriate understanding and Good morning to you too. Wow. Oh boy. I love my job. It's so good. All right.

So walk me through. How old is your kids? He's three and then I have one due in March. Okay. And so tell me about your brother. Yes. Um, well, my brother brought his brand new custom mascot head. I don't even know what to call it, uh, to Christmas dinner.

And he came out as a furry to us. So since Christmas, he's made many social media posts and now going out in public in his costume and how he has always been one. And while my son didn't see him in his mascot outfit, I don't know how to navigate it when he does because my son loves all things sports mascots, Disney characters. And we know that as adults they're just people in costumes but I'm afraid my son being around my brother in his furry costume will like discourage that magic that's associated with them.

Yeah he's getting there. You're overthinking it. He's getting there. Am I? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like if he's asked like why is uncle so-and-so wearing that you can just say he likes to he likes to wear that costume Yeah, and all of the intricacies of the furry community and the identity and all that just madness He will have zero

Context for My guess is this isn't happening a vacuum Has your brother had struggles since you've known him? Yes. Okay. Yes. He's always been an outcast. Well, duh, he's been a squirrel or whatever for his whole life. Right.

Right. I don't know. It's some sort of dog cat thing. It's fine. It is what it is. Yeah. But here's the thing. But he does have, sorry.

Go ahead. You go ahead. You go is. Yeah, but here's the thing Sorry, you go ahead you go ahead Yeah, my my brother his his mental illnesses went from depression to bipolar one To just this past year. It's borderline personality disorder. Sure So I don't even know how to navigate that or if that plays a role into it It honestly I would not think into the diagnostic if I were you. I would think into how can I love my brother who's been hurting most of his life? Right? How can I be compassionate?

And how can I draw the boundaries that are best for our family? And so if it were my house, I'm again, I can only, the everybody's different, okay? If it were my house, I would say you're welcome to wear whatever you want to at my house. Period. I'm gonna ask you to not wear a humongous, like dog hats, like a helmet at the table. Yeah.

And the same as I don't wear baseball hats at the table. And I identify as a sports fan. So I don't wear I don't wear baseball hats at the table. And so like, you can wear your costume. I mean, you can wear like your outfit or whatever. That's fine. I don't care what you're wearing. But here, we want to be able to talk to everybody. And so it just is what it is what it is. And if there needs to be some boundaries if Some of my favorite people on the planet I've talked about before it's my favorite people on the planet have borderline personality disorder be really tough and I have some pretty firm boundaries You can't talk to me a certain way if you're gonna swear at me and tell me you hate me

Whatever then I'm gonna hang up the phone and then when you're doing better and give me call Right and when you tell me I'm the greatest that's ever lived in this, I'm not. And I know that, right? So I'm not gonna get hung up on that. But also they're pretty amazing people and they can be fun and hilarious. And so I'm not gonna live by the diagnostic.

I'm gonna live by boundaries. I'm gonna live by compassion. I'm gonna live by love. Okay. Because the other reality is somebody who has watched enough on the internet and gotten in enough chat rooms and gone through like even met up with people like he's searching for a community and he's searching for an identity.

Yeah. What that means is he's hurting. And I will always welcome hurting people at my table Mm-hmm and Three year olds are really really malleable, yeah both positively and negatively and Chances are by the time that three-year-old is 13 your brother will be on to another thing That's true. So we're not I don't want to overthink it. I think for you I Don't want this I don't want your three-year-old to become the proxy war and a lifelong struggle with trying to connect with your brother.

And here we go again. Right. I want you to own your grief and your good God. You know what I mean? Yeah. And are there other family members participating in this or is it just, yeah, it's just, that's just brother? No, it's just him.

Okay. What's your mom and dad say? They think it's a social club. They don't know anything about the community or anything. I just know that there's a more nefarious side to it that makes me uncomfortable with it all. Tell me about that. Well, there's a sexual aspect to it. And even if you just search, you know, what is a furry

online like my son doesn't have and he won't have unmonitored access to the internet. Yeah. But even if his friends do, and they just search what is a furry, that goes down this huge rabbit hole that is completely inappropriate. Sure. So I think I would, I would only three. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, if, um, if I showed up and to my nie's and nephew's house and they googled, what does a midlife crisis want to be punk rocker who's kind of a B level YouTuber? There'd be a rabbit hole on that Google search too, right? And so yeah, that's more your concern than the three year olds. Three year olds will know they have a fun uncle who dresses up great. And three turning four turning five, the days of your kid thinking that there's a live wild cat that's human size at a basketball game are coming to an abrupt end, right? Yeah.

And so I think it's all good and it's all, I would just again, compassion plus boundaries. Okay. And if he throws a fit and says, you don't love me and you hate me and I won't come to your table if I can't wear my helmet, I don't know what you call him, his true face or his true head. I don't know what you call it. Then you can tell him, dude, we're going to so miss you. And I hate that you're opting out here. We love you. It's important for all of us to be able to see our faces

and to talk to each other and get to see you very often. And I hated that you don't want to be here, but there's always going to be a seat for you. And then he gets to opt out because he's an adult too. Yeah, that's fair. You know what I mean? But I always want I always want I always want somebody to hold their side of my boundary. Like here's where I draw a line and you get to opt in or out and I sure hope you opt in. But I understand if you need to opt out. I'll make me sad, it'll break my heart. I mean, I have to grieve it. But I understand.

Yeah. Does that make sense? It does. He's lucky to have you as a sister. You've loved him for a long time, haven't you? I have. And been frustrated for a long time too? Yes.

Yeah. Both and, right? Both and. Both and. Well, he's lucky to have you and your three-year-old is lucky to have you too. I would suggest you, and this is going to sound strange, I would suggest you get off the internet with the Google searches too. And I would love the person in front of me, not the internet caricature or the internet.

The most sensational thing, the algorithm kicks up in front of me. I would love my brother in front of me and I would hold onto my boundaries there too. Thanks for the call, Laura. You're awesome. We'll be right back. All right. Let's talk about Delete Me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of

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plus you get 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net slash deloney. That's trainwell.net slash deloney. Let's roll out to San Bernardino, California and talk to Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark. Mark, what's up, Mark? Good morning. How are we doing, brother? Thanks for taking my call. I'm okay. Thank you. I appreciate you taking my call. Absolutely, man. Oh yeah. It's, it's a super early where you are, man. Thanks for getting up so early with us. No worries. What's up, man? So my question is, do we tell our nanny that her husband propositioned my wife?

Oh, awesome. And good morning to you, right? Yeah. Tell me about what happened, man. So some quick background. We've had our nanny for about 10 years now. She helped raise both our children. Oh, so she's not a nanny. She's like a, she's a family member. She became family. Her husband both had become family to us over 10 years now. She helped raise both our children. So she's not a nanny, she's like a, she's a family member. She became family. Her husband both had become family to us over 10 years. They have no kids of their own. So our kids

basically, of course became their kids too. So that's all our kids know is them for sitting them and they've been a huge part of their lives and ours and it's been great for 10 years and they're a huge help for us. To sprinkle in some other context, she is currently battling stage four cancer and she hasn't for the past year. Yep, because why not? She beat it about five years ago, once before, and then it came back and now it's stage four and she's a strong woman and she's fighting again.

So we have all the hope in the world for her and she's got a lot of strength. So we're rooting for her and she's doing great. She never stopped working through that time. She was watching the kids, never had issues, still showing up. He would often help her and come as a support for her, her husband, to help with the kids when she was tired or sick. So it was still amazing watching those two also help together. So that's been been great until of course, just recently, as you could tell from the question. So a few weeks back, there was a short gap in time.

She couldn't watch our kids. So he volunteered to sell but one hour one hour gap that we had in our schedules, which she's done before and it works out great. So he was there when my wife got home to take over and he asked to speak to her in private, which she did outside with him, thinking that one of the kids may be in trouble. But he proceeded to tell her how gorgeous she was, not just beautiful, but gorgeous. And that he sees how she looks at him and just completely shocked and mortified my wife and she was basically stunned. And she said, no.

So evidently she wasn't looking at him like that. That's the first thing she said. I'm not sure what you thought I was looking at you like, but that's not, not at all like that. What I want happily married and you need to think of your poor wife right now. When she's going through, I can't believe you even asked me that. Um, he then said, you know, you know, I can be discreet. I've been in the military.

I've been discreet before and just completely blew her mind as to what he was telling her just in shock. Right. So she called me and told me I left my work engagement and came right home and talked to her cause she was in shock and know, in shock and just very uncomfortable. She was very upset. So I asked him to talk to me and he did. The next day we spoke and I made it very clear and drew a boundary that I said, Hey, here's

what happened. He did not deny it. He said, yeah, I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that. I shouldn't have acted. I feel dumb now. I said, well, you feel dumb because you got shot down. But just so you know, you are not welcome at my house anymore. My wife doesn't want to see you anymore. She's extremely uncomfortable. She's devastated. And you've broken 10 years of, you know, trust

and love from our family. We just can't believe this is even happening. Can I just pause for a second? High five to you, dude. Like, good on you. And, cause you didn't act like an idiot. You didn't like bang on his door at 3 a.m. And, but you did, like, good on you. Like, for everybody listening, that's how you handle that situation.

So good on you, man. My friends wanted to, a couple of them wanted to. Of course they did. And you know what? That's what your buddies that situation. So good on you, man. My friends wanted to a couple of them. Of course they did. And that, you know, that's what your buddies are for. That's what your buddies are for to be like, let's go right now. That's what they're for. Um, but yeah, like that's a mature grownup way to handle this. So I'm like that you, you just gave a perfect model of somebody that you

love and trust propositions, your wife, God forbid that happened to anybody listening, but it does happen. That's how you handle it. She handled it perfectly. She called you. She said, like, here's my boundaries. You got good for you, man. Like that's awesome.

Okay. Yeah. So, and he was receptive to it. He understood. I said, you know, it's up to you to tell her, you know, your wife, how, you know, why you can't come over or why you shouldn't come over. Um, initially that's, that was what I told him. And now he controls that narrative.

But you know, talking to my wife more, we're like, I really feel horrible knowing that she has no idea. She's kind of a stooge here. What's going on? And you know, they're there. He is such a religious church going lead, lead the ministry and charity. This guy that I mean, he was a picture perfect, just model for a Christian man to which adds to the complete just blowing our minds that this happens just unbelievable. So now it's like, well, should we be honest with our nanny and tell her

what happened? Yes, you have to. Knowing that she's currently undergoing so much stress and stage four medical treatments and completely shattering her world. Here's the deal. Her world, that doesn't happen in a vacuum. So that won't be the first time that's happened. She knows there's distance.

Like you get what I'm saying? Like y'all see it from one lens. She experiences this on a day in and day out. She knows that there's something wrong, amiss in her marriage. Yeah. And if she doesn't, if she's completely clueless, doesn't, if she's completely clueless, I guess y'all have built 10 years of deep, deep trust.

Trust so deep you let her stand in your stead with your children, the most prized possession you have on planet Earth. And if she were to come home and see your wife with another man, your expectation would be that she would honor your relationship enough to tell you the truth. Fair? Oh, fair. And vice versa. Your wife would expect her if she came home to drop the kids off and you and a woman, a young woman was walking out of your house. The right thing to do would be to tell your wife. And so yeah, I think the external circumstances are heavy and big and all that, but I, I think it has to come with a boundary.

And here's what I mean by that. We're not just telling you to hand you a grenade. We're telling you because we love you and because it's not right for us to keep this from you. And you are always welcome in our home. He is not. Yeah. And I, I, dude, I, I would be stunned if this is the first time this has come up in their marriage. Maybe she's maybe very, very undying optimist, the most positive person you couldn't ever meet. Yeah.

But there's that, that can be a trauma response too. Yeah. So I'm not sure if that's because she really just sees the best in everything and she's oblivious to some of that. Or she has to. Yeah. Yeah. Because of what she lives with at home

and unfortunately i have worked in faith-based circles long enough that it doesn't surprise me one bit not even a teeny tiny little bit those are people too yeah so how do we even go about that conversation is that just my wife to her and then? No, it's both of you. If the feels a complete shock to her, how do we handle that? It's both of you together. Well, here's the deal, she's an adult. Okay.

She's an adult. Yeah. She's not a teenager. She's not a child. She's an adult. And she's a member of your family at this point. And so you sit her down and facts to your friends. You tell her very directly,

this is gonna be the hardest conversation we've ever had to have with you. And number one, we are not letting you go. You are a part of our family. You are always welcome in our home. Number two, here's what happened. Because anytime you sit down somebody, even if they're a disc, like quote unquote, family member or close there, she's still an employee employee and the first thing she's gonna think is y'all letting her go okay but you give you you give her a heads up and maybe also you

know recommend her to others and friends of ours that they also sit for to great I'm just like boy I feel like like there's some liability with at least knowing that this behavior is there. I don't know if I should extend to others or just completely keep within a family as our own. If you could just be an obsession with, you know, my wife and that could be where it ends. Yeah, I can say this stuff doesn't, it rarely happens in a vacuum. Maybe there's just star cross and, or maybe he's

a star-crossed lover. Right. And my heart kind of goes out to him, dude, cause he sounds like me in high school. Like I would talk to a girl in my class, like I could tell we have, and she's like, yeah, you're telling way wrong. Right. So I just, geez, this is just a whole different level. I think the biggest thing you and your wife need to do is y'all have to deal with the grief violation. Yeah. Like, and it's easy to, when we're grieving, to put a bunch of weight on all these other things

that we know we have to do. And so I want y'all to separate it. that we know we have to do. And so I want you all to separate it. And it's the old saying, not by your hand, but in your lap. Right? This guy walked in and blew up 10 years of stability in your life. And it may be that at the end of the day, your wife says, I'm not comfortable with her being our nanny anymore.

And I'm like, just hearing this cold, that would probably be my bent. Unfortunately, we can't have you here anymore. She's made it pretty clear that she definitely doesn't want her to feel like she can't come over. I get that. I get that. But, but I mean, just think big picture. And at some point, you may be asking this woman to choose between her marriage and her job. And again, she's an adult, she used to do what she's going to do. But that's why I say like, you can't just come with a, hey, we just want to tell you this needs to come with a boundary. He cannot come over here anymore. He cannot watch our kids anymore. He can't be in his house anymore. I don't want to be can't text us. He can't call us.

The only reason you're allowed back in here is because we trust you implicitly. Yeah. And we're gonna strongly recommend he does not show up at any of the people's houses we've recommended because now we feel an obligation. Okay. And luckily her time is now reduced a bit

because our kids are older and we have school. So it's not full time. So it wouldn't be a giant impact Which is makes me feel a bit better too if she chooses not to not to keep coming But uh, yeah And there's and y'all need to make make plans for that because she may be super embarrassed and she may choose To say i'm not gonna i'm gonna let y'all go Yeah, right and so again somebody walked in your room, this man and dropped a grenade in there and y'all are handling it the best you can.

But it's just, I think it's going to come with ramifications and I think you guys trying to preserve what y'all had is you're going to have to reimagine what is right. And what that means is you're going to have to reimagine, oh, she's all by herself. If she's gonna stay her nanny, he's not welcome here. So if there needs to be an hour gap in coverage, we have to figure that out. Is that something we can still do? Or if we have a nanny that works for us,

we need all the gaps covered, because that's kind of the role. Or what happens if she quits? She's just embarrassed and ashamed, and this has happened before and she quits Yeah, I'm just hoping it's not a complete blindside And if it is I'm just like boy with what she's already going through I feel so bad because she doesn't have a lot of Options or money well and let me tell you this. I want you to be really prepared

Man if I had more to I'll tell you a 30-second clip Well now I won't get into it. And this is several years ago, so I haven't checked the data, but a ton of police officer shootings, when police officers get hurt, is when they show up to domestic disputes and they get involved, and the spouse that made the call

sees their significant other who was just in the process of abusing them getting arrested and The person who made the call ends up hurting the officers Well, what why is that relevant here? I? Would give it a 50-50 chance That her husband when she comes home, says that woman asked me to come into the bathroom real quick and she ended up taking all her clothes off and I had to get out of that house as fast as possible. And flips the whole thing and that woman comes at y'all with a vengeance. I want you to adjust to it. Now I told him I'm not going to tell her you can, but then I was like, well crap, now he

controls the whole narrative, which also kind of worried me. Well, even if you do tell her, he controls whatever he wants to say. And the chances of a stage four cancer survivor who's in the midst of it going through it, psychologically I can't deal with, I can't wrap my head around this part of my life also falling out from underneath me. Already I can't trust my physical body. Now I can't trust this guy I've been married to for 20, 30 years. And so psychologically I have to, y'all have to become the bad guys.

Otherwise I might my world turns to dust. The one blessing that we have in this whole situation was that as it happened, the front door is open, and he asked to speak outside. We caught the first part on the ring camera, we have the recording, it's just him saying, hey, come talk to me, right as the door closes, Hey, I wanted to, and then it cuts out. So she knew that it's by motion. So she kept trying to move on the front porch to make it record. I fortunate it didn't cause she was like, Oh my God, she wanted to

not unrecord it, but that is the first part with him as her come talk in private that he has recorded and captured. Okay. So I would probably lead with that. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. lead with that. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. But anyway, what's right is to somebody that you trust, who trusts you, you've supported, you've walked alongside, someone who is a family member needs to be told the truth. Particularly given that it was your wife that was propositioned in this deal. And then you all need to make sure you have that conversation directly clearly with a boundary and I would let her know hey we need to have a really challenging conversation and if you feel

obligated you can tell husband hey you guys you got 24 hours I'm gonna have a conversation with her I don't think he deserves that I don't think it's worth that that's that's y'all's level of relationship if y'all if you feel close to him over ten years, you might want to give him heads up Hey, I'm talking your wife today or after you have the conversation, but I wouldn't personally but you can feel free to do that Again not by your hand but in your lap your life as you knew it is now different because this guy Blew it up. And now it's about what's right for you and your family moving forward. How can you love and support this woman if that's even a possibility, if she allows that?

And then you and your wife got to grieve. What was? It was pretty awesome setup. And unfortunately, somebody came and blew it up. All you can do is the next right thing for you and your family. And I don't ever want somebody to cash in their character, their integrity. They start holding secrets from loved ones, people that they trust because it gets weird or awkward. We're going to hang

on to our integrity. We're going to go do the next right thing even if it feels like it blew everything up, but it didn't. It may just reveal what somebody else just blew up. Sorry this happened my brother. Thanks for being a man of character. Let me know how that conversation goes man. I'm invested in this one now. We'll be right back. All right good folks, let's talk about Helix mattresses. It's February. It's the coldest and the shortest month, although it can seem like the longest month of the year sometimes. Listen, in the past I've found myself laying around during the winter doldrums more than normal. And I don't do very much, which then makes it hard to sleep. And then I get in this vicious cycle. But I'm going to tell you this, this year, my Helix mattress has helped me

sleep more deeply and be more refreshed during the winter doldrums than ever before. Now on most days, I'm able to get right up even when it's cold and dark and do all the stuff I need to do to be my best. I love Helix and that's why me and my entire family sleeps on Helix mattresses. And we don't all have the same mattress. Helix has different kinds of mattresses for everybody no matter how you sleep. If you run hot at night, if you have issues with your spine, if you sleep on your back, your side, your stomach, whatever. Plus, Helix offers a 100 night trial and every Helix mattress comes with a 10 or 15 year warranty. So take the Helix Sleep Quiz just like I did and you'll find the perfect mattress for you in less than two minutes. The Helix President's Day Sale is going on right now. You can get 27% off sitewide

plus two dream pillows and a sheet set and a mattress protector free with any Lux or Elite mattress purchase. This is the best deal you're going to find anywhere. Go to helixsleep.com slash delonie right now. That's helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash delonie. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, let's go out to the 806 Lubbock, Texas and talk to Dylan. What's up Dylan? Uh, so my question for you is how do I work on myself without

jeopardizing my wife and my kids? Sounds like there's a lot to that question. Tell me what does work on yourself mean? So I am currently going to therapy and trying to work on some issues and I've recently quit drinking and trying to work on being more present and being a better husband and father,

but I just worry that going through this and all the anxiety with that, I still find myself not being the nicest version of myself. And I don't know how to, how to work on that without causing more problems. Gotcha. All right. Tell me, uh, um, can I probe a little bit? Is that okay? Oh, go for it.

How old are your kids? Seven and 15th. Say that one more time. Eight, seven and 15th? No, just seven and 15th. Seven and 15th. Okay. Seven and 15th. That's a big gap, huh? Yeah. Well, my oldest is not biologically mine, but... Okay. Number two, how long you been drinking? About 20 years. Okay. All right.

How old are you now? 38. 38. Okay. So you started drinking young, huh? Yes. What did, what did drinking get for you? What did it help with? What did it help with?

It helped with something that early. Turn down the volume on everything. Just kind of making everything a little more manageable. Okay. Who turned the volume up on you? My childhood. I had kind of a silent hell. Okay.

All right. And what's the last 20 years been like college wise, work wise, what you've been doing? I went to work in the oil field pretty much right out of high school. I did a little bit of college, but didn't really get anywhere with that. And I've had a steady job, same place for most of my life actually. About 16 years of those 20 I've been at same place. You've been riding the roller coaster? Yes, that's a good way to put it.

Okay. Yeah. I spent a lot of years with some of my close buddies who are oil fill guys. When it's good, man, it's like an ATM machine. When it's bad, it is caustic. It's tough. Tough, tough, tough. Oh yeah. And nobody teaches 19 year olds who suddenly find themselves with 180 grand. Hey, two years from now, you're going to have 11 grand. So hang on to it, right?

Nobody teaches anybody how to do that. So it's just, it's just roller coaster central. Tell me about your wife, man. We've been married 10 years. She truly is the love of my life. We are in it for the long haul. She is my ride or die. That's awesome. And vice versa.

Very cool. Why'd you decide to quit drinking? I just, I didn't want to model that life for my boys. I didn't want them to grow up drinking and thinking that that's the way to solve your problems. Alright, so one of them is seven. So what, why now? Like, so I mean, you've been modeling it for seven years. So why now? Um, it's got to the point where in the past I've kind of like self detonated everything and I've got too much now to, to just blow everything up and walk away. Paint me a picture of self-detonating.

In the past, I've quit my job, just folded into myself and just kind of disappeared. Okay. Do you disappear in a bottle? Not all the time. I just would oscillate and just kind of really just go inward. Okay. So what's a counselor doing for you? Not a whole lot at the moment. Just a whole lot of sitting and talking and not really a whole lot. Practical. What do you hope to get from seeing a counselor? To be able to go through life without just feeling like I'm holding on to an electric fence all the time.

Okay. That sounds like you want peace inside your chest. And yes, that's it. Exactly. Okay. Peace within myself. Why don't you like you? Oh, I don't know that I've ever really liked myself.

I know. I can tell. Why not not because your wife sure as hell does. Your seven year old does that 15 year old boy you came into his life. He does. Why don't you? What happened to me as a kid? What happened? I was sexually abused for about seven years. You ever said that out loud?

To a couple of people, but not very often. Okay, I want you to sit on that for a second. How old was that little boy when it started? Six. All the way up to when you were an early teenager? Yup, 13 is when it stopped. Why'd it stop? He went off to the military and he finally left me alone. Okay. You have a seven year old little boy right now. Just keep that picture in your head. When you were six or seven years old, it wasn't up to you to protect that kid.

But when you see that little seven year old, it sets off every alarm you have, doesn't it? Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry that happened, man. That shouldn't happen. Thank you. And that's a recipe for as long as that went on and for as old as you were.

That's a recipe for deep, deep shame and deep, deep rage. Oh yeah. Both of those. And so, and I can't get rid of the rage. I know it's going to go, but I need you to know this is going to sound nuts. And I bet nobody will tell you this, This is going to sound nuts and I bet nobody will tell you this But for hanging on for 20 years even if you had to do it with a bottle of jack next to you

I'm proud of you for hanging on for 20 years That's a that's that's I think sometimes we see some people's how they what they had to do to survive and It's like critiquing somebody's Swim stroke when the boat sinks and they're out in the middle of the ocean So what I'm looking at is a guy that got himself back to shore And there's probably a wake of decisions you wish you could have back and you probably hurt some people and said some stupid stuff, but you made it back to shore. And for some reason you woke up on the first of January 2025 and you decided I'm done.

I'm gonna be a different kind of man. Yes, but I don't know what to do. You are doing it right now. Well, it sure doesn't feel like it. I know. Because somebody told you along the way it's going to feel a certain way and it's going to take a long time. So the first night I actually was in your neck of the woods. I drove several hours into Lubbock, Texas, where I knew a physician who was a close,

close friend of mine. And when I walked, that's when I walked in and said, I'm not okay. I drove from another city in Texas. I drove all the way to Lubbock because I knew a guy and I trusted him and my trust was so thin. And I remember we talked for hours and hours and I left with a script, with a prescription for some anxiety medicine.

And I remember calling a buddy who I knew had taken medicine before. And I told him, I don't want to take it, I'm a failure, I'm a loser, yada, yada, yada. Here's what he told me, he said, look man, you think you're gonna wake up tomorrow after taking this pill and everything's gonna be like this fake sunshine, that's not he told me. He said, look, man, you think you're going to wake up tomorrow after taking this pill and everything's going to be like this fake sunshine.

That's not how it works. And what he went on to tell me is he tore his bicep, lifting weights, and he had to go to months of rehab. And every time he picked up a fork, every time he tried to open a door handle, it just hurt like a searing pain. So he went to rehab, he went to rehab, he went to rehab he went to rehab he went to rehab He did all the stuff all these stupid exercises, and this is kind of a jackdude Forced to like doing like little finger walks up the wall with this you know like with his two little fingers right?

And then he said one day he was at the print shop and a box fell and He reached up and grabbed it Just instinctually to protect somebody. And he realized, hey, my arm doesn't hurt. No way. And he said, that's how the meds are going to work. And that's how healing ultimately is. And so right now, you have gone to sit down.

Have you gone to meetings? Is that what you're starting to do? Yes. Okay. So you walk and you're sitting in there and you're on the rattling edge of not having a drink. You're dealing with the credit card bills from the holidays. You're dealing with an economy that's up and down and kind of all over the place. You're dealing with West Texas, I'll tell you what they should be doing, that kind of

stuff, right? You've been dealing with that. And you and I both know that one drink would make everything a little bit quieter, but you've committed not to. And now you're going to these meetings, you're just listening to these old guys, just tell their stories and tell their stories and tell their stories. And it doesn't feel like you're doing anything. But if you keep going and you're not a lurker and you start participating and you go into your counselor and you say, okay, I've been here for four weeks or five weeks.

I want to start practicing some actual things at my house on a daily basis that will dissipate this rage. And I'll give you a couple of things I want you to do. Okay. Okay. What's going to happen is six months from now Your seven-year-old is gonna do some stupid seven-year-old thing You're gonna laugh

And you're gonna remember this story. I told you about my buddy who caught the box and you're gonna go oh my gosh I would have gone into a rage And you'll know I'm on the path now or your wife's gonna come home and say hey my hours just got cut and you really needed the y'all need the money and you're going to go into a problem solver mode you're not gonna get up and go straight to the fridge and grab a beer and then you can smile and go no way I'm on the path Do you what I'm saying? Yeah, the hardest part for you is not the big decision. You made that the hardest part for you is the

Continual grinding the tiny tiny step by step by step inch by inch That you're gonna look up in six months and realize I just walked a thousand miles that you're going to look up in six months and realize I just walked a thousand miles. You're the guy that's 150 pounds overweight that said never again and you're in day 12 of going to the gym and it just sucks. You're sore. Everything hurts. You hate it and you just want to go back to the way it was but you made a commitment. So will you do something with me? Yeah. Where did you grow up? West Texas. Okay. So, let's pretend I'm going to make up a little West Texas town, La Mesa, tiny little West Texas town. Let's pretend you and I are La Mesa. You know it well and I'm you Except I'm seven And I want you to close your eyes and imagine you're looking at your seven-year-old self

He's sitting in a chair and you're sitting in a chair and you're about four feet apart from each other What would you tell that seven-year-old you? You'll make it. You'll survive this. What else? I can't picture me at seven. Okay. Picture your seven-year-old.

Repeat after me. What's happening to you is not your fault. And to use not your fault. There should be adults here protecting you. They're not here and I'm sorry. And adult here protecting you. And there's not I'm sorry. But we're going to hang on and we're going to hang on. We're going to hang on.

And when we get grown up, we're going to dedicate our lives to protecting the young kids in our world. And when we get grown, we're going to dedicate our lives to protecting the young kids in our world. And we're gonna dedicate our lives to protecting those kids. And that starts with me looking at you, seven-year-old self telling you I love you. This is not your fault. Not your fault It's not your fault

Because right now you have a seven-year-old you have an enraged 12 and 13 year old Who don't know anything to do to protect you other than to clench their fist and swing at everything or duck and cover. My guess is you've toggled between both of those in your life. Oh yeah. The crazy busy and the absolute nothing. Yeah. The black hole. Mm-hmm.

Whew. 2025. So, variety is a piece of it. Dealing with the rage is a piece of it. Letting that 8, 9, 10 year old version of you finally go play. La Mesa is not a great place to play in, but we're going to let that kid go play. I'd love to. Here's what we're doing this year. We're solving for peace.

Okay. And so here's what I want you to commit to and I'll be in it with you. Okay. I want you to commit to keep going to meetings. Do I got your commitment on that? Oh, yes. Okay. I want you to commit to keep going to meetings. Do I got your commitment on that? Oh, yes. Okay. I want you to next time you go see a counselor, I want you to demand an action plan.

I've asked for that because I've been listening. And it was blown off. I didn't I said I want to know where we're at, where we're going. And something, I want to be doing something. And it just fell by the wayside. And then just like, I want to be screaming. I need help. Okay.

Then what we're going to do is we're just, we're going to brush our shoulders off. We're going to go find a new counselor. Cause the big modern myth in mental health care is not always, but often, that if you just get all the thoughts in the right order, everything works out. And it's not true. You got to go act differently, especially when you've spent 20 years trying to survive. You have to learn new actions, new ways of doing things. For you, you're going to have to practice some mindfulness techniques, not an old man

sitting on a cloud going, oh, that's not what I mean, but you're going to have to learn how to exhale. You're going to learn how to go for a walk. You got to learn to laugh and drop your shoulders on purpose. And those are just things you got to practice. That's it. You're going to have to learn really carefully precisely what your triggers are. What are the things that when it happens you want to reach for a drink and then you just

have to come up with different plans. This is things you practice over time. These are actions. And just bringing a guy out of the oil field just to talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk is, is it's important the first couple of sessions. I got to get to know you but man We got a we got to get on some homework assignments that are gonna help Okay, and so we're gonna find a new counselor and that's great It's not a big deal

One of my questions is how do I handle Sobriety on a trip that work mom, um, we, I'm trying to reconnect and trying to be a better husband. And so I'm, I'm, we, I'm, I'm up to trip for us to go out of town for Valentine's. You and your wife. Yes. Okay. And I don't know how to fit sobriety into that because so much of our, of my life

was getting to that point. I wasn't a dead day drinker. I would wait till the evenings, but it was still a problem. I was, I mean, I'm not any better than anybody else, but I on vacation used to tend to let go a little more to have fun and I don't know how to balance that. And I don't know if there's good meetings in Nashville, because that's where we're headed. So I don't know what to do. Well, come on.

Number one, yes, there are meetings here. Number two, you need to have a sponsor that you can text when those night times, when the demons call at night time. The third thing is somehow a story has been connected in your mind that letting loose and letting go equals freedom. And because you're so clenched fighting demons every minute of every day, that's all you got. minute of every day, that's all you got. When you solve for peace every minute of every day, and you're not going to war every minute of every day, then you don't have anything to escape from at nighttime.

Does that make sense? Yeah, it sounds good. I know, I know. I know it's like, okay, good. So here's what I mean. You're not in a place where a vacation for you coming to Nashville, Tennessee in February

is a thing you can do that's not highly, highly scripted. And it might be this is not a quote-unquote relaxing ahhh, weekend. Or trip. And it might be this is not a quote-unquote relaxing Weekend or trip My number I know But let's make it let's make it a challenge in the in a positive direction Not an unleading that causes all kinds of relational damage on the other side

So, you know when I'm out on vacation Here is usually what I'm aiming for at the end of a night I'd love for you to sit down with your wife and say can we plan this even if we have to go we get scripts During when I'm on live events, they're they're called MBMs or minute by minute. And so that's where y'all are right now. And that's okay. It's actually going to make you have a better trip because here's what you're going to do. You're going to sit down with your wife.

You're going to say let's dream about how we want this vacation to feel at 10 o'clock every night of the week. We're on this trip. I want it to feel like ah, okay, cool. What must be true? Cause I'm not drinking And it may be y'all come all the way to Nashville Tennessee and go to a movie But we'll we'll have held hands come all the way to Nashville Tennessee and go to the teapack and go watch a play

Right like so it's, it's, we're, we're going to plan this thing together. And that may be the greatest vacation thing you can do. And it may also be you get into February and your head over heels into recovery and your head over heels into a great therapist and you back up and say hey this trip in February We're gonna punt it to April Because right now I've done enough just enough counseling that the scabs are starting to get starting to come off and Things are pretty raw and so me hopping on a plane is just a recipe for Landing six beers in or we're coming to Nashville, Tennessee and we're

gonna go down to Broadway and it's just not a good idea man because there's alcohol everywhere. It's okay great cool. And I hang out with people all the time who are stone-sober professional musicians and comedians who like they just they can be around all day long they just don't even like meh and so you'll get there. You're just not there yet. That's all right Training for you're training for a marathon and you can you can do the couch to one mile great. You're on the path, man Here's your homework assignment brother, I want you to write a letter To seven-year-old you and I want you to write a letter to 13 year old you to seven-year-old you and I want you to write a letter to 13 year old you

and I want you to tell them I'm sorry was not their fault everything that happened starting today you can take responsibility for you can make the calls you to get a new counselor. You're going to do the exercise. You're going to practice sleep. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. I want that to be your blueprint for you and your wife for building a life that is surrounded

by peace. And for you, sobriety is going to be a part of that for a while, if not forever. Great. And we're going to meet with a good trauma therapist, of which I know are in West Texas. And if you have to drive an hour or two, great. But we're going to get on the path or stay on it actually. I am proud of you. You call me anytime. Anytime. I'll have you on the show anytime you cut to the front of the line and we'll walk with you. I'm proud of you, my brother. Day 12. You're on it, man. We'll be right back.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You've probably heard people talk about different kinds of flags in friendships and romantic relationships. You got red flags and green flags and beige flags. Listen, it can be helpful to look for relationship patterns or unsafe behaviors. But to me, all these flag labels can distract from what's really important when you're trying to find a lasting relationship. What's really important are your values and your potential partner's values and whether

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Alright, this is from Beth and she says, over the holidays, my husband and I went on a trip to stay with my brother and his wife. My relationship with my brother has been complicated. I'm sorry, it was her brother. I said that wrong. My relationship with my brother has been complicated. For about a decade, we didn't speak, but we all really wanted to cultivate a healthier relationship. I just finished the connections chapter of building a non-anxious life, so I pulled up the online questions for humans mentioned in the chapter and we spent a couple of hours having the greatest conversation we've ever had. It culminated with me telling my brother all the ways I was proud of him. It was one of the best visits we've ever had. Thank you to you and your team for all that you do."

Amazing. Way to go. And if you are in a situation where you haven't talked to your parents in two or three years, you haven't talked to your brothers and sisters for two, three, five, 10 years, I just believe in redemption, man. I wouldn't do this show if I didn't believe in it. And I always think today is a new day. Today is a new day. You can start and like, I'm going to make that phone call. Or I'm going to do it. So awesome, awesome, awesome. And I'm glad that we got to be a part of that journey.

That's a good way to end the show today. That brings me some joy to my hearts. That's what I live for, to bring joy to your heart. You're not going to live very long, because that is not one of your skills. Hey, everybody, thank you for being with us. Love you guys. Subscribe. Don't forget to subscribe to the show. Send this show to somebody that you love that matters to you.

And if you will take 10 seconds and leave a five star review on one of the various internet platforms, it means the world. Thank y'all. We love you.