The Dr. John Delony Show - Our Son Is Famous in Our Small Town for All the Wrong Reasons

Episode Date: December 1, 2025

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All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now, we have February and October weekends on sale for the money in marriage getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at $749 a couple. Get yours at ramsysolutions.com slash getaway. As the parents of a drug addict son that regularly terrorizes the small town we live in. How do we live daily life

while navigating personal embarrassment, anger, and guilt. Oh, man. He was arrested for kidnapping a minor at the age of 14. Like, I'm talking major, major things. Yeah.

What's going on? I'm so glad you're here. So glad you're here. I'm John. This is the Dr. John Deloney's show. I'm glad that you pulled up a seat. or wherever you happen to be. If you're sitting down somewhere, if you are cleaning something up,

if you're driving somewhere, I'm glad that you've chosen this podcast. Or if you're watching us on the YouTube, I'm glad that you're here. There's a trillion other shows you can be watching or listening to, and I'm really grateful for your time. On this show, we talk to real people.

I'm a real guy. I'm a real boy. Not an AI, like whatever. I'm a real person that sits with real hurting people who are going through real challenges. And I'm glad that you're here. If you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you, go to John Deloney, D-E-L-O-N-Y. John Deloney.com slash ask-A-S-K and fill out the form and we will get you on the show.

Let's go out to North Bay, Ontario, and talk to Lynn. What's up, Lynn? Hello. Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm great. How are you? I'm, okay, navigating. Navigating. Dude, that's a great word.

Well done. That's awesome. How can I help? So, I'll just read you the question as I wrote it in, and then we can expand from there. Sounds good. So my question was, as the parents of a drug addict son that regularly terrorizes the small town we live in, how do we live daily life for at the same time navigating outsiders' assumptions, personal embarrassment, shame, anger, and guilt. Oh, man.

It's a lot. Yeah. Have you ever said that out loud before? Not to anyone other than my husband. Okay. Thank you for sharing that with me. That's hard to say out loud, isn't it? It is.

You have other kids? I mean, too. I can't believe I'm going to cry. Oh, you're good. You're good. Sometimes we hold all of this in, and when you finally share it with somebody, it's just your body says, oh, thank you. And there's a big release, so thank you for sharing that.

Yeah, you have other kids? Yeah. So this son is actually a twin. And they are both 27. And so he's not a child. He's a growing man. And I have another one that's 25. What I want you to get out of this phone call is that this one underlying important thing, you cannot control other people's image, judgment. gossiping about you the only thing you can control is how you choose to or not to hold your head up high when you walk in the local grocery store how you choose to tip when you see people whispering how you choose to when somebody's pointing at you in a restaurant you pick up their tab if you can't like that's the only thing you can control and i also know that is it's a nightmare it's a small town right this is everyone knows everybody and everybody's in everybody's business and all that

and you can't do it not it's not like he's doing little things that people aren't finding out about so the 21st of september he was arrested for kidnapping a minor at the age of 14 like like i'm talking major major things that wind up on news wheels and you know so then we get telephone calls from people or messages on social media for people that we don't know telling us things like you know you're not doing enough

you're leaving him to the community and he's terrorizing everyone and you know he's screaming at himself downtown outside the local bank and you know it's like and then you question yourself am I doing the right thing because it's like

do I help more Do I sink in more? Do I put myself at physical risk? Because when the delusions and hallucinations get really bad, then I am always his hearted. Yeah. But, Lynn, let's be honest. Let's be honest.

That's rumination. That's spinning out on a thing, on an outcome that you know intellectually. You can't even think about it. He's a 27-year-old man. Beneath that, beneath that, I should be, what if I should be, beneath that, is this looming question, did I fail him as a mom? 100%. And you've got to sit in that. And I'm going to suggest the answer is no.

You have a son who's very, very sick. And instead of throwing up or instead of having cancer, your son has neurological disorders that society has. has said are moral failures and character failures. You have a very sick young man. And it's heartbreaking the judgment on it. And by the way, before I came in here, Kelly was at my desk, we were talking, I got a letter that was like, I don't know, 50 pages telling me what's wrong, that I'm theologically out of bounds.

Like, it was somebody mailed me a letter, a long letter telling me that, you know, my theology's bad, right? And by the way, I don't even talk about my theology on this show. It's the things it just comes with being a public figure. The challenge for you is you're in a small town. I asked for this. You didn't. In a small town, everyone's a public figure, right?

Yeah. And then when your son, the person who shares your last name does something that gets them on the news, people feel like it's their job to just bomb you on social media, to bomb you via, and it's all safe at distance, right? Nobody comes and knocks on your door and says, hey, we've got a problem here. They are keyboard warriors. They are telephone warriors. They are anonymous grenade throwers.

And I've come to the place in my life where if you're not going to call me and talk to me, if you're not going to come over to my house and sit with me, then your opinion doesn't matter too much to me. Unless what you're putting on the table is constructive. Like if somebody reached out and said, hey, your son is. is all over the news here and here and here. I have a homeless shelter that specifically works with people like this. I'd love to take your son in.

Then great. When somebody calls me and says, hey, you said something about nutrition and you're actually wrong here and here's where it was, I love that kind of stuff. But if somebody just wants to throw grenades, I can't do anything about it, right? And you can't either. What you can do is the next right thing. If he comes over and threatens somebody in your home,

then I'm going to call the police and have him arrested because he's not safe. because now he's a man in the community that's putting my life at risk or my husband's life at risk. Yeah, we do that on a regular, so he hasn't actually been allowed in my home in two years. Okay. Can I stop right there real quick? Can I applaud you for that? Because I know that's devastating.

That's so hard, right? It's very difficult. And I have to give all the credit for that to my husband because I took his lead on that because I was reacting from a far too emotional space and he tends to be way more logical thinking. It's not that. It's not that. It's not that. I don't want you to think that there's something deficient in how you're approaching this. You're a mother. You're supposed to go down on the Titanic with your kids.

And your husband is also in this space where he's going to ride or die with his kids and he's going to protect his wife. And that was the conversation that him and I had two years ago where he said that my husband explained that I was, not that he was saying I was getting in his way, but that I was making it difficult for him to be able to protect the house and home, which is then expected of him, especially as from society. and so that's when we came to the decision that like the front porch is okay and so when he shows up at 2 o'clock in the morning with a busted head or whatever then I just sit on the porch and call 911 or call the police if I have to or whatever's going on I don't know I just hold on hold on can I sit here with you on that one

Like, I don't know blow by that. Moms aren't, I mean, moms are supposed to. But the way the world works, you shouldn't have to sit on the front porch with a very, very ill son while he's bleeding and not be able to hug him because he might hurt you. It's not supposed to be that way. It's really not. It's heartbreaking. And then you run into him in town. Yeah.

And it's scared, you're, I'm instantly scared from my self. I feel like, sounds crazy, but it feels like my butt's going to fall off. I get like this tingly feeling where my legs and my butt connect. No, it's your body telling you to run. And also there's that maternal instinct that says I'm not running anywhere but right into the arms of my son. All of that tension is real and it's true and it's right. You're not crazy. And then people, that's when people decide to throw.

grenades at you. Yeah. You have enough to carry it with this thing. Then you get angry at yourself because you're angry at him. Yeah. And there's moments where you feel like, you know, you're the one that's putting through this crap. Yeah.

And the craziest part of the whole situation, when you're in jail or when he's in the psychiatric hospital, he thrives. Yeah. he gets structure and he's and somebody makes him take his medication and there's a part of you that says i should have been able to do that for him and that thought is is right there's no right listen listen to me listen to me lynn listen listen listen there's no bad thoughts okay you're allowed to be mad at your son scared of your son you're allowed to have had the thought i wish i'd only had one of them instead of twins all those thoughts are okay you're not crazy and then there's that scary harrowing thing which is

why i'm glad you've got a ride or die husband because there's probably moments when he's over-analytical and there needs to be some compassion in that home which is which is the role you play and there's also some moments when someone says hey this house isn't safe a hug's not going to solve this one we need called a police and that's why you all work together as a team it's good you're both a gift to the to a really messy situation the the question you're going to have to to answer moving forward is do you have the courage to just delete facebook yeah i can do that but i don't think It would really change much because, like, you know, like you said, I get the points and their Snickers and people will say some nasty things. Like, what's your face?

You know, like they, and I don't know if they know that they're being nasty or if they just think they're entitled to your information or. No, it's, it's different than that. there's this um i don't i won't get all nerdy some people when when something happens to them it's fundamental attribution error to just be a nerd for a second when i do something it's because i have a good reason

when somebody else does something it's because they're a bad person right if i'm speeding it's because i really got to get to work if you're speeding it's because you're on drugs and you're trying to hurt people and you don't care about anybody right perspective yes and so I'm going to I'm going to expand that a little bit

anytime you get in the mind of somebody else and try to figure out why they just did what they did you're wasting your time and your energy because you're never going to know my gut tells me that when somebody makes a comment they're doing anything they're looking for any

reason in the world while why they're not a failure while they're not less than. Because by the way, I got two amazing kids. And I don't think I'm doing a great job most of the time. And so if I can see a kid who's acting out in a restaurant, it makes me feel better to be like, well, at least my kid's not that kid, right?

But here's the deal. You have no idea why people are saying what they're saying. Maybe they are just mean. Maybe they're trying to make themselves feel a little bit better. Maybe their kid drinks but doesn't do drugs. Maybe their kid has depression, but not bipolar one. The reason I'm telling you all this is you're never going to know why somebody says something cruel. And you're never going to be able to stop all the extrinsic, all the outside actors from doing the things that they're going to do are saying what they're going to do.

The only thing you can control is what you do next. and so you can minimize the amount of voices you allow into your into your heart and mind if somebody snickers at you and points at you you can lash out and defend yourself you can bury your head in shame or you can whisper a quick prayer God be with them because they must be really struggling and one of those is going to make you overwhelmed with shame one of those is going to make you feel powerful for a second

and one of those is going to give you the grace and compassion that you so desperately wish other people would give you I'd rather give it to other people if I want it that's right and so but when somebody mouths off to you somewhere you can exhale and just take a long blink. Don't close your eyes where you're walking on the street,

but just take a long blink and just say, dear God, be with that person and give them grace. And I've started to, about since the 21st of September, when this last crazy bill happened, I've started when people come to me and say, like, so I've heard this that happened. I just say, for my own, mental health and well-being, I can't discuss this right now.

Okay. If that's the boundary you need right now, great. The next level of challenge I would put before you is to just look them directly in the eye and say, my boy is really, really sick right now, and the authorities are involved. I'm letting the professionals do their job. That's even better.

Because then at least I feel like I'm saying something. I'm not blaming the whole thing on him because I struggle a lot with I can't defend his actions and I don't want people to think that I'm defending his actions because Lord knows I'm not.

Sure. But also he's still your son. And I don't want him to be out there all alone swinging in the breeze I think in someday, like, even my mom wouldn't stick up for me, you know? That's right. But when you say the words, my son, which is you taking ownership, is very, very sick, period. I'm allowing the professionals and the authorities to do their job.

Right now, it's not safe for him to be out. Period. in that in those two sentences you're saying that's still my boy and also he's not safe to be out and so i'm letting the professionals in the system do its job and in a weird way you're looking at the person who's asking you questions do you have anything else yeah is there's anything that's you quick correct Right. And listen, every time you want to say, I can't talk about this because of my mental health. I feel like I'm making myself a victim.

That's exactly right. You're taking your feelings and your ownership and you're squashing it so that you feel a little bit better in that moment and you avoid that person. And anxiety is fed on avoidance. I mean, anxiety eats avoidance. That's what makes it stronger. and so nobody needs to know the intimate details nobody needs to know the ins and outs hey your story's wrong it's all mixed it i'm not i you don't know any you need to know any of that because if you were in my inner circle you would already know that that's right and so i'm not this on the sidewalk or at your local church or in the grocery

stores not the time to decide if this person's in my inner circle or not you would already know and so I'm going to look at somebody and by the way this is not easy it's devastating it's heartbreaking but in two sentences you can take ownership of that's my son

and my son's very sick and he's hurting people in the best place for him right now is in jail or in a psychiatric facility period anything else and there's a weird that's how you reclaim your autonomy

and you reclaim your strength. And if you get called to testify, the best thing for your son is not for you to say, oh, he's a great kid, he needs to be let out because you know that's not true. The greatest thing for your particular kid

is a psychiatric care? 100% is being in jail. And that's bananas to say out loud, but that's your reality. That's the truth. and in those moments when it's 2 a.m. And you're sitting on the front porch and it's cold outside

and your son's bleeding and you just called 911 again I'll be sitting there with you not physically but in spirit and millions of listeners to this call we'll be sitting right there with you too. Thank you for the call sister. You can't control

what other people say and think about you all you can control is your next action and your choice to either swallow up and cover up with a big blanket of shame or to stand tall and walk right through that anxiousness thank you for the call sister call anytime i'll be here for you go do the next right thing when we come back a woman asks how to cope with her son not wanting kids, which will ultimately end the family line. It's the same thing every year. Every Christmas, we promise ourselves that we're going to slow down and focus on the right things. And then we sprint right into December shopping and parties and wrapping and travel expectations. And before we know it, we are exhausted. And the things that

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All right, we are back. Hey, take two seconds and hit the subscribe button. If you're listening to this show on a podcast, if you're watching the show on YouTube, take a second, hit the subscribe button, share this episode if you know somebody that one of these calls would help. Thank you so, so much. got to San Diego, California, and talk to Rochelle. Hey, Rochelle, what's up, lady?

Hey, Dr. John. I'm so excited you decided to take my call. I didn't decide anything. It's Grandma Kelly decided, but shout out to Kelly. So what's up? Well, that last call about broke my heart. My family went down that road. My mom, my grandma, dealt with that with my aunt and sister.

Luckily, thank God, my son was able to escape the ADHD bipolar matrix that is my family. but now I'm kind of left with another issue that I'm struggling with with him, which is, you know, he's 29. Since he was about 16 years old, he's been saying that he's pretty sure he doesn't want to have kids. How old is he now? He's 29 now. Okay, I was going to say, I said a lot of crazy stuff at 16. Right.

And that's what, and I think that's why I'm calling you because when I say this to other people, even my best friend who's an MFT, they're like, well, you know, when people, are young and this and that and I'm like this is my only shot right like I'm my dad's only daughter my sister wasn't able to have kids mainly because of sight meds um hold on you're only shot at what my genetic material being passed on I know that sounds does that sound crazy no I mean it's it's really really existential right it's very like Rolomei urban yollum right yeah it's really like like it's really like it's like not a 30,000 foot view, it's a hundred thousand foot view, right? I think about all of the

humans who's the dawn of time who had to survive this harsh world to get to my son. And he's just like, me, let me, let me challenge you. Okay. Is that cool? Yeah. What is what is staying up a hundred thousand feet above the air? What is that protecting you from? on a personal level I don't know because I feel like I've tried to think this out like what is my problem with this do I have an ego problem do I have a you know just missing out on I you know I see my friends having grandkids and I feel like I've already grieved that part of it like okay I missed out on also having a wedding too I missed out on a lot of things in my okay that's what I was that's that's what I was aiming at and I again I can be way out to lunch here

No, I think that's the smart go-to, but I feel like I've already kind of dealt with that. What about your 29-year-old son? If you could sit him down and just shake his shoulders for a second and hold his face and put your head on his head. Like, y'all touch foreheads. What about his life right now, or over the past nine to ten years? Mm-hmm. What about that if you allowed yourself would be heartbreaking and disappointing? Mm-hmm.

What about him as how he's lived his life or his decision to not have children? Him as a young man growing into a middle-aged man. What are you watching happen in real time over the last nine to ten years since he's 20? That you think, oh, don't do it like that. Don't do it like that? I think it's been more like since he was 24. Tell me. He got out of the Marine Corps,

which was the first thing that made me nervous because I know that he's not a generally, I wasn't either a generally ambitious, like, person. Okay, so he had a lot of structure. He got in shape. He started saying yes, ma'am, and no, ma'am. And you saw all that, what that benefited him, and then he drops that structure.

Mm-hmm. Okay. And he waffled for a long time with jobs that exacerbated injuries that he got from the Marine Corps, And then, so he went and got like a VA rating, disability rating. And so he brings in income, but he's still at 29 kind of trying to figure out what's his next move. He wants to use his, he's one of these artsy-farty creative, you know, people. And he always was active all the way through high school and he was a band nerd and yada yada and martial arts and all that.

and he's his long-time girlfriend who also, we all live communally here in San Diego because we'd either have roommates or we have each other as roommates because it's too expensive. So him and his girlfriend live with us and they help me take care of my dad and so on. But anyways, I've just noticed that like instead of going out and getting an actual job, he is trying to kind of like develop these ideas that have to do with art that aren't bringing in any money. but he does bring him money to pay his portion of the household. His girlfriend works a part-time job. She's artist, too.

Okay, hold on. Let's sit in that. Okay. Let's sit in that. Because I have to believe there's part of you that thinks a grandson would give him the structure that he used to have with the military that he doesn't have. Possibly. There's got to be part of you that says, I have a 30-year-old man living in my house.

and by the way, I'm considered artsy-fartsy. Mm-hmm. Right? You do. That's not, you too. That's not a bad thing. Several of the folks on my team are artsy-fartsy. Like that, and we have to go pay bills, right?

Yeah, I go to work. There has to be part of you that has a 30-year-old man who's, who's, you can say he's thinking about art and coming up with creative ideas. You can also say he's wasting his life. Mm-hmm. Well, and I think that's another piece of it. that you're hitting on is that neither one of them

have a real sense of purpose and I notice this with the young people that I work with as well there's not a huge sense of purpose they're about consumption Okay but listen

but listen you can't control any of that you're gonna you're taking me back up in a hot air balloon to 100,000 feet I want to stay in your living room I'm gonna quote my friend Dr. Henry Cloud

okay you know what your son desperately needs desperately problems he needs the weight of a light bill and a rent payment

which he does have yeah but it's if he doesn't come up with it he's not going to be homeless he lives with his mommy he's 30 yeah his girlfriend with a part-time job

I will say this that we've been discussing lately my dad is ill he's at the end of his life and once he's gone I don't make all that much more money than my son does, if I'm not a super high earner. I also was not cramish. So once my dad's gone, we will be out on the street if he doesn't pull his weight.

So, you know, but do you hear what I'm saying? Yeah, for right now, he doesn't see it that way. No, no, but you don't see it that way. You don't have a sustainable life either. Not without, yeah, not without, you know, an additional income. Exactly. Yeah, if he was gone tomorrow, I would have to get an extra job in perimenopause of all. I know, but look at the existential crisis starts inside your own chest.

Yeah, I think it does. Which is this reality that besides taking care of your dad, what's my purpose on this planet? That's exactly it. And I have purpose through my job. I work in health care. But I also feel like when I get up to that 100,000-foot view, what I'm wondering is what was my purpose if my son never has children. That's a distraction. You don't make a living wage. Let me say that directly.

Well, I do in terms of... You don't. Like, because our house is paid down enough where I can handle it and all that. but it would just be, like, really tough for the next 10 years. That's what I mean. That's what I mean. Yeah. And so it's easy when inside our own chest, we're asking ourselves, why am I here?

What am I doing? I'm trading. Now, by the way, you're in a special situation because you're taking care of an aging, dying parent. That's life goes on, often goes on pause. The math problem of our life doesn't. The bills have to be paid. We have to make a certain amount of money, right? You know that.

I know that. Right. Right. But if you sit in this for a second, you have kids living with a parent, and that parent is living with her parent. Mm-hmm. And we are avoiding reality by living in one of the most beautiful places on planet Earth, which happens to also be one of the most expensive places on planet Earth. Of course. Go hand-to-hand.

Which has a very unique vibe to it. Everyone I've ever met from San Diego. I, you know what, and all of COVID, all of that, I never heard one person say, I've got to get out of San Diego, ever. Oh, no, no. It's its own universe. They keep raking us over the coals with, you know, more stuff,

and we're like, we love it here. But listen, you can't blame, you're not getting raked over the coals. It's a choice we're making to stay here. Yes, okay. It's a trade-off. But you, it's easy when you feel that spin inside your chest, let me take it out of this,

is really personal. Let me come over to the person who is, has working a job, they work 16 hour days, and they got passed over the third time for the promotion. The easiest thing to do is to blame the boss, to start challenging the direction of the company. The leaders don't even know what they're doing here. The harder thing to do is to look in the mirror and say, A, I haven't done what it takes to get that promotion here, and this is going to be my life. Or, B, I'm legitimately being kicked to the margins for whatever reason. I'm a woman. I'm the wrong color.

I'm fill in the blank. I have to go. But it's easy when you're sitting there and what's my purpose. The moment that my purpose right now is taking care of my aging father, the moment he passed away. Sure. everything gets real existential and it's easy to look up and say well i'm really helping this artsy fartsy kid of mine and why aren't you gonna carry this this this legacy on and by the way if you're your 30 year old what like if he looks at his environment and his world what

why would he have a kid yeah because he doesn't want that he's kind of nihilistic too on top of it of course he is he's a good he's a good ex-marine like They've seen it. Yeah. They know. You know what I mean? Yeah. And then he's got the whole, like, I think he just doesn't want that level of obligate.

He always said that if he had a wife who wanted kids, he would do it. Yeah, but that's him putting that off on somebody else too. That's exactly what I think it is. And then his current girlfriend, she also doesn't want children. She's got her own reasons for that that has to do with, you know, her own stuff. But it's like, why would they want anything in their life to change? Right, because they can Uber eats and they can play. video games and they can do their art and and they are avoiding reality which very similar to

their mom I'm only saying this because I love you right I know I'm hearing it and so here's a deal how old are you right now I'm 48 okay 48 I'm going to take every excuse away you have have you have you heard the story of my mom yet I don't think so okay I know she's a teacher she was Sort of. At 47, my mother took her first community college class. Her very first one. All right. You're sending me back to school, huh? No, I'm just, I'm not doing that. I'm just, I'm painting you a picture. Okay.

This is a woman who grew up in a, in a tradition that said women should not go to college. So at 40s, my dad was always encouraging her, the world is encouraging her. Financially, we could have used the money. At 47, she took her first class. I'm sorry, at 42, not 47, at 42, she took her first class. Gotcha. At 57, she graduated with a Ph.D. Yeah, that's wild. My sister got her nursing degree at 52 bipolar disorder, so she's pretty amazing, too.

I see the examples for sure. And she had this whole crazy second life, and she's in her mid-70s, and she retired, I think, a year and a half ago from being a professor. Here's why I tell you that. The question I want you to wrestle with is this. you are 48 years old, in seven years you're going to be 55. Right. Do you want to be 55 and be a physician's assistant?

Do you want to be 55 still wondering if you need to get a roommate? Right. Do you want to be 55 and still worried that your kid, your son, who's awesome and very creative and has proven to himself and the United States of America that he can, like with, with good boundaries and good mentors and good accountability be an amazing contributor yeah what do you want for yourself at 55 and can you start reverse engineering that now and yes of course you want grand kids of course you want your family line to continue and all those things great but going back

to the dawn of time and projecting that all the way down to your son and making him carry the way of the human that is a great Xanax for avoiding what I hear in your chest which is I'm not on a sustainable path and I'm about to be 50 and so the change that has to happen is not with him not with them not it's with you it's with you what do I want to who do I want to be when I'm 55 do I want to visit Sandy because it's so amazing about I want to live in a place where I can actually afford a house where I don't have to have my 30-year-old and his girlfriend with a part-time job chipping in nickels every month so we can keep everything going.

Do I want to have the courage to love my son enough to say, hey, it's time for you to go find your own place? So that's my challenge to you. And yes, be sad if he says, you know, the genetic line stops with me. but I have to wonder when he gets out into the world and watches his mom say, I'm making some changes. If he doesn't feel inspired to do the same,

maybe not. But what you're doing now isn't working. So what if we thought, I'm going to shake the snow globe and say, at 55, I'm going to have my own house, I'm going to own my house outright, which means I'm going to buy a small house in an affordable area, and I have a job serving and helping people,

and I'm going to take the skills I've learned at my health care job and taking care of my aging dad. I'm going to help it. Like, whatever it is, I'm going to start right now so that at 55, at 53, at 52, I am running and gunning. And that may start with son. You've got six months, and then you're going to have to go get some problems. And hopefully they don't include a video game controller.

Thank you for the call, sister. Look in the mirror first on this one. You're pretty amazing mom. but it's time to level up not just for him because you're worth it too we come back a woman asks how to support her kids through a public child abuse trial we'll be right back all right all over the country and i've got social media clips all over the place and if you've ever seen me out and about or on the internet you've for sure seen me wearing poncho shirts i love wearing poncho shirts And right now it's cold outside, and I can wear my super favorite poncho denims and flannels,

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for real life, whether you're outside doing work, you're outside fishing or hunting, or if you're on stage, they hold up to whatever life throws at you. When you're shopping for the men and the boys in your life this holiday season, go to poncho outdoors.com slash deloni. You can sign up with your email and you'll get 10 bucks off your first order. I want you to tell them that you heard about poncho right here on this show. And if you take a picture of yourself on social media, tag me and tag poncho. Hurry and place your order now to get free shipping before the holidays. That's poncho outdoors.com slash deloni. All right, San Antonio, Texas. Let's talk to Dear Marie. What's up, Marie? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? Phenomenal. How are you? I am doing really well. I'm

really excited to talk to you. Excellent. What's up? So, well, first of all, I want to say I've been listening for about three years to every episode. I've read all your books, and I find myself very regularly with my kids saying things that I affectionately called Delonians, and they look at me and go, Mom, did Dr. John say that? Well, good. There's many people in my life that are like, I probably shouldn't say that because that's what John said. So I'm glad you're picking up the good stuff. That's good. So my question is, let me give you, I'll just give you a little bit background, and then you can give me all the wisdom, I hope. I have five kids. They range in age from 20 to 5, so we're in all these extracurricular things all the time all over

the place. 20 and 5. That's quite the range. It is. I was potty training and teaching a kid how to drive at the same time. At the same time. Very good. At the same time. Sometimes quite literally. So anyway, we have quite a large circle of, you know, families that we know who are in similar activities. And one of these families we found out about three weeks ago lost one of their sons. And so our whole community just kind of began to rally around them and provide meals and all that sort of thing. And then about a week after that, my phone blew up one afternoon asking, have you seen, have you seen, have you seen? and when I looked at the news, it turned out that this family, both of the parents had been arrested and charged with capital murder in their son's death. Oh, gosh.

And, yeah. These were friends of yours or in your circle? They're kind of in my circle. It was kind of a, hey, how are you? How is your weak sort of relationship? But my kids are in a lot of the same activities, and they would consider. consider some of these children from this other family, their friends. And, you know, I know the news doesn't report the whole story, and I know, and who knows

what, like, it's still under investigation, but what's being reported is horrific. Sure. And they don't, by the way, they don't make capital murder charges lightly. Yeah. Or a DA is not going to want to lose that case. So if they're putting that on the table, then they've probably got something, right? Yeah. and the news is reporting that their other children have confirmed the abuse and said,

yeah, this is what I saw. This is what happened in my house. God, I'm so sorry. It's really, but needless to say, this has sort of blown up my whole community. And most of the parents are kind of reacting with this, like, oh, my gosh, how did we let these people around our kids? How did we not know this is happening? and, you know, just a lot of fear and a lot of anxiety. And so as I'm the leader of one of these activities

and one of their kids is in my group, and I've just found out this week, actually, that the foster family that has these kids is going to try to start bringing them back into some of their activities, which means that one of these children in this family is going to be in my class this week. And my son's in the same class as well, And so I'm kind of, I'm wondering two things.

First of all, how can I help my kids navigate this? I want to, I don't want to teach them to ignore it and pretend everything's fine. I don't want to teach them how do you support your friend in the middle of, like, literally their whole lives blowing up in a sensitive and appropriate way. And then also, what, I'm trying to get some wisdom on, what do these kids need from me? I know I'm not their counselor. I'm not the social worker, but I am an adult who cares, right? And I don't, I don't want to have them come in and out of my life every week and just pretend nothing's wrong. And I also don't want to overstep.

Yeah. And so I would love your wisdom, Monk. how to handle. Those are great questions. Yeah, it's tough. Thank you for loving your community. It's pretty cool. It's really, it's made me really angry at times how many people are just reacting out of fear and anger and not even considering these kids whose lives have just blown up.

And I'm sorry, I didn't mean to know. I was just going to say, I just keep thinking, like, at this point, it doesn't really matter. I mean, it matters, but it doesn't matter if these parents are convicted or exonerated. These kids' lives are forever changed. They're not, they're just, let me put us. Their lives are destroyed. I'll say it. Yeah.

They're destroyed. Yeah. Yeah. Either there is a complete and utter unbelievable, um, um, um, um, um, miscommunication and the family's going to have to leave the community to restore any sort of what it right i mean it's it's either either these accusations are so wild and so public and all that um or what's more likely is that these are true stories yeah and i have come to the the place i spent my whole life with people behind closed doors you're wise to know I don't actually know what happened.

And that's a wise thing to hold because it's easy to make up stories about things that we get partial bits of information and run with it, right? So it's wise to just say, you know what, I'm not there, I'm not looking at the files, I don't know.

I'm never going to fully know. But I've come to a place where I give people a ton of grace with their initial responses because this type of atrocity and this type of evil, if true, causes all of our parental, our personal, our childhood, our, we look at our own kit, right? It just brings into light how fragile everything is, including the lives of our kids that we send into the grocery store to grab some Coke for us or that we send to school or that we send to the Boy Scout camp or the baseball coach. it just calls into question everything, right? Right, absolutely.

And so if you are thrown into that chaos, it exists all the time, but it takes moments like these for us to, as parents to, like, catch that sharp inhale of breath, like, oh, that could have been my kid. Yeah. Or the scarier question, it couldn't have been your kids

because you would never do that, but it could have been your kid going to their house. Right. Right? And so if somebody reacts to that with fear, with anger, with rage, with it, like, I can't control their innate trauma responses. I can't control, I don't know what they experienced in childhood. I'm not going to spend any energy on trying to police how other people are responding to wild situations. All I can control is what I'm going to do next.

Yeah. and I'm going to age appropriately talk to my kids and by the way, kids hear a ton of things. Yes, I know. That's one of the things that I've been kind of thinking about is like when I get back in this room with a bunch of nine to 12 year olds, they will have all have a variety of different things that they've heard

that they've seen on the news that they've heard mom and dad talk about and they're all going to be coming in with their own stories right and so sometimes sometimes you can get a group of nine and 12 year olds and say hey you'll may have heard a whole bunch of stories about everybody in this room and when you come here in this room we are all going to be kind to each other and we're all going to like you can address some of that up front you might not be able to in this case it might be that the first time this kid shows up is when everybody's showing up and they're going to all take their cue from you yeah and so you're right you're not going to ever be a therapist and i mean you might be a therapist

i don't know what your profession is but you're not going to be this kid's therapist you're not going to be this kid's foster parent you are going to be one example of a safe regulated adult every kid will take their cue from you if when every kid individually walks in you look at them and you put your hands on either side of their face and you say I'm so glad you're here

and when that boy walks in the door or that girl walks in the door you do the exact same thing with them yeah they will take your cue for if you single that kid out they're going to know okay singled out but if you let every one of those little kids

No, I'm so glad you're here. That hug or that, whatever is appropriate, touch-wise, I don't know what organization you're part of or your relationship with these kids, but whatever, the most welcoming presence you can provide that kid, that's the greatest gift that kid needs right now. And not, hey, you want to talk? Nope, that's for the therapist, that's for the foster kids,

that's for that system. But when you come in this place, you're going to feel that I see you, and then I'm glad you're here. And the other kids are going to pick up that ethos too. And if some kid, you hear them talking and asking, you're going to call out in front of everybody, hey, we're not going to talk about other people's parents today. We're here to learn basket weaving. We're here to learn how to fix a car engine.

I don't know what y'all are doing, but we're here to be with each other. And you're going to quickly put an end to it without any. fanfare without any drama whatever what the kid needs more than anything is for a minute a reprieve from the ash that is their life yeah that makes sense and then i would if i were if i were in your exact same shoes i would find whether it's 30 minutes whether it's in bed when you're tucking your kids in whether it's you can i mean you've got 500 kids and so it might be hard but if you can escape for a breakfast over the next couple of weeks, I would be pretty direct with my kids. All right.

Tell me what you know about Little Billy's situation. And I always put that on the table and I let them respond with what they know. Okay. Or what they're going to ask. Yeah. I did the same thing with both of my kids with Charlie Kirk's passing recently. I took my 15-year-old. out and said, all right, tell me what you've, what you've heard. And I think him and I did it in the car.

And I said, are your friends talking about it? And he goes, yeah, dad, it's everywhere. And so I gave some, hey, I'm going to really ask you to not do X, Y, and Z. And I want to hear what questions do you got. Tell me what you're thinking. And then I explained to him, here's what I'm feeling. I'm a public figure too. Like, I, like, here's what I'm feeling. I did the same thing with my daughter. She had no idea what I was talking about. Right? And she's early elementary. and so but i but i'm going to put on the table and then i'm going to gauge my response age appropriately to what my kid knows what questions they have and then i'm going to give them a human response which is i want you to know that your parent has feelings too

yeah yeah i don't know that my kids know too much at this point um we don't watch the news at my house yeah but i mean they're going to get the gossip from yeah from you know what's going at school and whatever and that can be a great moment to say none of us really know at all what really happened what we do know is your friend little billy needs somebody to be nice to him and in our family we look for people to be extra nice to and so you're one of your jobs in the next few months is to be really nice to little billy and it can be that simple but it's letting them know i know i'm in control of my emotions and i'm gonna here's the actions that we as a a family this is who we are this is the actions that we take yeah and if somebody wants to show you

something on their smartphone or if somebody wants to talk about it it's a good idea just to say hey i don't want to talk about that right now which let's be honest a sixth grader's not going to do that but they're going to have your voice rattling around their heart and mind yeah that's true that's true but the greatest gift of that kid because that kid the whole ride over is going to want to know is this place, a safe place for me. And the regulated adult in the room is the one that sets the tone.

Yeah. And the question is, can you make that kid feel just for a minute, seen and known and safe? And that's an honorable, honorable thing. So I'll tell you, Marie, thank you for being that mom, that community member

that person who loves and cares and when the adults in your world starts to spend up the conversation you can just have the courage to say at this point I don't want to talk about it I'm going to focus on those five kids that are hurting right now and let the justice like the criminal justice system do its thing

and I don't know none of us are ever going to know and that makes you not cool that's going to be the parent that you don't get invited to the gossip rings and so be it so be it Thank you for the call, sister. I'm honored to get to talk to you today.

We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. The holidays are here, and they are a time of traditions. Some of them great, some of them not so great. And the holidays can be busy, stressful, and for many of us, even a lonely season. And that's why it's a great time to reflect on what some of those traditions really mean to us, the good ones, and the tough ones. And if you find yourself in a tough season, therapy can give you space to create new traditions.

And most importantly, take time to heal for yourself. To do that, I recommend BetterHelp. With over 30,000 therapists, they're the largest online therapy provider in the world. And they've served over 5 million people globally with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 stars. Plus, BetterHelp is totally online so it's easy to fit into your busy holiday schedule. You can even step out of your in-law's house and get with Better Help in the garage. To get started, just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who will fit your needs.

And if it's not the right fit, you can change therapists at any time for no extra cost. This month, start a new tradition by taking care of you. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloni. All right, what's up, Grandma Kelly? What's something cool that happened? I love that nickname. It makes me feel really good, by the way.

Well, your name used to be, Mena. Mena? Pause. It's cool. Go ahead. Go ahead. Wow. I thought you liked Grandma Kelly better.

All right, go for it. There's a whole group of women out there that just cussed you. I hope you know. All right. Yeah. Krista from Carlsbad, California writes. As the head of our company's HR department, I lead monthly lunch and learn sessions.

Last month's session was based around getting to know your coworkers. The workplace edition of questions for humans were the perfect tool. I set it up as a speed dating style that allowed everyone the opportunity to learn new things about each other. For 45 minutes, I witnessed such joy, laughter, and curiosity that built new connections. After the lunch and learned, several people came by to tell me how great it was and how easy it was to pause work and enjoy the moment. So thank you for creating questions for humans. Awesome. Very cool. I love that people send those stories in from all over the place, that those cards are great tools for parents and kids and for relationships. By the way, they, are we, when this show's coming out, are we at Black Friday-ish or something? We've just passed Black Friday.

Just past it. Just past it. Okay. So if you're interested in questions for humans, all the decks, there's all different kinds, dating, romance, intimacy, blah, blah, blah, blah. They're all as low, priced as they're going to be all year. So go check them out. There'll be a link. in the show notes but go check them out awesome thanks for sharing that kelly and you look younger and more beautiful every day thank you it's so hard for you to accept any kind of kindness it makes because it's it's hard for me to believe it's honest well we think you're younger and more beautiful every day all the guys in there we they're all nodding all the voices in your Love you guys. Bye.