The Dr. John Delony Show - Outrage Addiction, Suicidal Thoughts, & a Manipulative Mom

Episode Date: May 3, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   My two-year-old was diagnosed with leukemia. Treatment will be for two years and he should be fine. How do I care for myself when I feel like I will be living in crisis mode for the next two years? I was recently hospitalized for suicidal thoughts and plans. I am out now and doing well. How do I move forward in my marriage without my husband feeling like my caretaker? Teaching Segment: Outrage Addiction Your Addiction to Outrage is Ruining Your Life I'm 21-years-old, engaged and about to move out of mom’s house. My mom is trying to manipulate the situation. How do move forward? Lyrics of the Day: "I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" - Meat Loaf   As heard on this episode: BetterHelp     tags: sickness/illness, parenting, kids, marriage, suicide/self-harm, trauma/PTSD, anxiety, counseling/therapy, anger/resentment/bitterness, family, disagreement/conflict   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a young mom who has a two-year-old who's just been diagnosed with leukemia and she wants to know how she can stay well through the child's treatment. We also talk to a young woman who was recently released from the hospital and she wants to know how she can help build her marriage. And we talk to a young man who's 21 and engaged and mom doesn't know how to say. She's sad. He's moving on. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I hope you're doing well.

Hope you are well. Hope your family's well. I hope that you are finding kindness and joy And if you're not, I hope you are closing your computer box And you're being around people who will lift you up, pick you up Whether it's hard stuff, good stuff, bad stuff I'm glad you're with us, glad you're walking alongside of us in this wild, wild time Hey, if you want to be on the show, we'd love to have you. We talk about anything, everything, all of it. Give me a call at 1-844-693-3291.

That's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash show. You can fill out the form. It'll go to Kelly. She'll hit delete. You can do it three or four more times, and it'll get through. That's not really true. She won't just hit delete unless it's dumb and then she might, right? Okay, real quick. This is so great. Few things, few things in my life

make me happier than when James Childs is wrong and he almost never is and so this is like a good thing for me. But listen, i feel like this is my public service announcement for the james a child what's your middle name right like i'm gonna say that that's true um i think i'm gonna call him alan so it's gonna be james a child james child by the way is not even close to his real name it's an alias um but listen a few months ago he we're on the interwebs and he was making fun of me about how whenever i get a hard call i always go like this because i don't know how to transition and i'm new to radio so then you people came out and attacked james in the most glorious, lovely way. Everybody went to war and

was like, hey, James, why don't you back off the guy? He's trying his hardest. And I appreciated that. But it's like super continued. And so, for everybody, James has acknowledged that he screwed up and that he was wrong and that he devalued the show with his anti-horse propaganda. You remember we already talked about this, right? I know, but over the weekend, man, I got more and more stuff. Like, how dare he? You need to get a new... Listen, I can't do this without James.

How about that? Can I just say that out loud? I don't know what I'm doing, and I need James A. Child. You play the victim on the air. People don't realize how much of a tyrant you are out there. We'll fix it in post. Is that how that goes? I hope I'm not a tyrant. I'm kidding. You're not a tyrant you are out there. We'll fix it in post. Is that how that goes? I hope I'm not a tyrant.

I'm kidding. You're not a tyrant. But I... You are a tyrant. Listen, the other day I was late to another show. It was really bad. You should have seen the look of James' disappointment and sadness. But listen, in his defense,

let's all just go go switzerland on james no more mean things to him we'll all just be neutral if you can't say something nice let's say nothing at all and his email address um i will leave it in the show notes at the end of the show so you can email him directly how upset you are that he hates horses so much he won't even let me make their noise you realize i edit the show so i could edit out all of that in my email address if you edit it and just added me just talking gibberish that'd be so great man all right um let's go straight to the phones that we got a packed show let's go to robin in rochester new york robin what's going on hey john it's an honor to talk with you today how are you hey stop it number one it's an honor to talk to you, and I'm doing good. It's the sun shining. It's beautiful here in Nashville, so I hope you're

doing well. What's up? The sun's shining here, too, and we don't get many of those days in Rochester. Yeah, you get like 11 a year. That's super cool. Way to go. Seriously, though, yeah. So, I'm a mom of three young kiddos. Okay. All under the age of five oh wow that's a lot of humans under the that age good for you it it is it is and that would be enough of a challenge um but i also in january one of my kiddos was diagnosed with leukemia oh no which one which one No! Which one? Which one? My youngest. His name is Jonathan. He's cute. Is Jonathan beautiful? Oh my gosh, he's my world. He's adorable. Oh man, I'm so sorry, Robin.

Thank you. Man, so how can I help? Yuck, dude. So he's doing really well. He's about three months into his treatment. He has a super great prognosis um his type of leukemia is like the most common type of cancer in the in the world so yeah that's super not helpful though right i mean you're right listen you're already trying to steal the steer the ship to like so you know no know, no, listen, this is not great. Right. It's the best of the

worst kind of news, right? Yes, exactly. I'm so sorry for you. So you got this prognosis, he's three months in treatment and then what? Yeah. Um, so we still have probably about two years on treatment for him and that's assuming things go like really great yeah um as a mom of three i'm constantly prioritizing other other people and realizing slowly that i'm not taking care of me yeah and i really want to come out of the other side of this as a whole person. And I don't know how to do that. Ah, gotcha. I love that question. And I'm going to make a quick note here.

Okay. So when you say you want to be whole and you're not doing well, that tells me you are already feeling yourself fracture and splinter a little bit. What does that look like? So my day-to-day, I'm pretty able to keep up with a normal routine. But then we'll get a medication change or a new test result or whatnot, and I feel like it's all coming back to me. And it's like, oh my gosh, my kid has cancer.

My kid has cancer. And I just kind of... So you can medicate with a routine, right? I can. You can pacify it all. And then when you have to go see the doctor or you've got to give a shot or your kid hurts, then it all comes back, huh? Yes. Yes. What does living in um

i wish i had a better what does living in crisis mode feel like look like for you i mean some days i do fairly well with it some days i i'm exercising i'm eating right i'm taking fairly decent care of myself and some days it's just too much. And I'm, you know, eating things I shouldn't because I'm trying to just get through the day and I'm on my phone too much. And I'm, you know, fighting with my husband because we are dealing with this in very different ways. And so, like I say, some days are great, some days are not. So I'm going to give you, I'm going to ask one more question, and then we can rattle off some things together here. But then we'll talk about some big rocks. Is that cool?

Yeah. You were driving or you looked in a mirror by yourself in your bathroom or passing in like in a hallway. And you thought, oh, my God, I did this. This is my fault. No, I wouldn't necessarily say I don't think it's my fault. Okay. You are already way ahead of the game then. So good, good, good. That makes my heart feel good.

The thing that is almost the most devastating for young families especially with any sort of illness is this came from my body. And the fact that you're not wrestling with that guilt, that makes my heart feel so good because obviously this isn't your fault. So that's so good. Okay. Are you ready to party here? Sure. What does your marriage look like right now? Um, my marriage is, is really pretty good. Um, I have an amazing husband. He is just an amazing father and provider and, um, but day to day he's, he's at work. Um, so I'm dealing with a great majority of appointments and, um, you know,

a lot of the difficulties of blood drives, et cetera. Um, so I try to kind of explain what's going on, um, with all of that, but it's just, he's just hearing it. He's not experiencing it. Um, and how we are dealing with this, I'm a planner. So I want to like figure out what all of this is going to look like a month from now, two months from now, five months from now. And he's much better at being day to day, which honestly I am thankful for. But sometimes that means I'm trying to wrap my head around things and he's, you know, he's just not. He's like, nope, don't, I don't want to think about that. Gotcha.

So sometimes the default to being a future planner is a false way of trying to grab control and drag it into your present. Okay. so it becomes this illusion that if i have everything on the calendar in the right way and i know all the medications and i know the right thing this and then this and then this and this then this is how this is going to play out and nobody knows more than you that that's not how that works but it's such a it's such a drug to plan and have a list in the spreadsheet on the computer so that right and it is. And then I'm more like your husband that's like, dude, we got today, let's just party and eat nachos and we'll figure out tomorrow, tomorrow. That's not helpful either. That's another kind of drug, which is just

pretending none of this is real, but there is a balance there, right? Okay. So here's an important thing. So right before this call, Kelly let me know this call was coming, and I talked to a buddy I work with here who's had a similar situation, whose young child was just diagnosed with cancer a little while ago. And they've been working through this, and I said, man, give me a couple of thoughts that are rattling around in your head. What are some things you're working on? What are things that are hard?

And I can make this an intellectual exercise. I haven't experienced this. He has. And I'm going to tell you a couple of things he gave me that were so wise. And I loved how he framed it. The most important thing over the top of this thing, especially since y'all aren't wrestling with guilt,

is this. This is your story, and you get to write how you experience it and how you work your way through it. Okay? What type of parents do you want to be in this process? And if you think about this as a story and that you are the person holding the pen and you get to author these characters, then you get to be in control of,

do we smash things? Do we lose things? Do we just eat Cheetos for the next four years until those things are done? You get to draft what these characters look like, right? And the second part of this that was equally important is it's important to continually tell the story. And my friends that have had cancer, they talk about how annoying it is because they immediately have to be the person who's taking care of everybody else in their circle. Because somebody will see them and they're like, and then suddenly you've got somebody else sobbing and crying and you're like, dude, it's my kid. What are you doing?

Right. But you have to make them feel better. thing about telling the story, telling the facts of this thing that, as you mentioned, it keeps it from surprising you when you are having that moment like, oh my gosh, my kid's got cancer, right? It lets you retain ownership of this when you're telling that story. And at the same time, it helps you be graceful, not if, but when people say stupid, stupid, dumb, idiotic, moronic things. Would you tell the audience, like, what's the stupidest thing somebody said to you? I mean, I think the one that bothers me the most is like, we're believing for complete healing. And that's not like, I believe for it too. But I guess I

want to trust that this is like God's doing something in all of our lives through this. And so I guess just wishing it away seems so kind of silly in some ways. But yeah, people definitely say things that it's like, it's like, really? Well, and yes, yes. I've been standing there with folks who are doing death notifications before, and it's like, I have to interrupt them because I realize, oh gosh, you can't say those words out loud to another person, right? So it is up to you, unfortunately, to decide to hear those things and just set them down. Because if you carry them that anger and that frustration and that just – it will melt you, right?

And it will weigh you down. They're going to have done their good deed for the day when they dropped off their casserole and said, we just, this is all going to be over soon, right? And you're just thinking, I just did a blood draw on my two-year-old. How are you doing? Right? It's being able to just put that down and balance it with this. And this is super important. You have to, have to, have to have other people that you can sit down and talk to and be open with and bang your head and your hands on a table and scream, this isn't fair. And that will tell you jokes and that will sneak you cigarettes, whatever the thing is that you

shouldn't have done, but you used to in high school. Now it's coming back. All that stuff is going to sneak you cheeseburgers and you shouldn't be eating them. And also say, stop eating cheeseburgers. You need people who will go through this with you. Do you have a group, parents who have experienced this? Did the hospital connect you with some folks that you've sat and met with? Yeah. Yeah, we do. Good.

We do. We're definitely working on developing that community more as well. And this is, I wouldn't have thought about this, but he mentioned this. Every family is going to have a different story. They're going to have different interactions with the doctors, different parent pressures, different in-law pressures, different responses to different medications. And so do that weird, hard thing, which is be in community and remember this is your story. And your kid may be the one that responds so, so, so good.

And the three other people in this group's kids didn't or vice versa, Right. And it's remembering this is your story and you need other people. And never be afraid to distance yourself from absolute idiots. And there will be such great morons. Have you had morons just emerge over and over and over? Yeah, yeah, definitely. Your dismissive laugh is maybe my favorite thing of the whole day. You're like, yeah, there's people who have totally ruined our day. I love it. It makes me happy. Okay.

You will not survive this if your relationship with your husband falls apart. And most, not most, a number of relationships, I shouldn't have said most, a number of relationships don't survive these type of traumas because as you mentioned it, people do grief differently. And it is super important that partners build in conversations, they build in space to communicate and check in with one another. And there is no comparative grief going on at all. Because if you haven't had it already, there will come a weekend when you can't get out of bed. And your husband's going to have to step in there and slide right in and run with it. And that is going to also circle back on him too. And y'all are going to have to be graceful and kind and show up and over like the toilet sick with grief and laughing so hard you can't breathe because that's, you know,

your body's trying to handle it. But y'all have to tie in with one another. I would strongly with all my guts recommend a weekly check-in with the two of you, whether you go for a walk around the block and if those knuckleheads call, what can we do? What can we do? Cool. Show up at my house every Sunday night at eight o'clock because me and my husband are gonna be gone for two hours and make them feel super guilty for not coming, by the way. Just kidding. Don't do that. But having a group that will show up and then practice being graceful with one another. Are y'all able to talk about the realities of this? How scary, how hard, how good, how bad it could have been, how much left we don't, how much left there is that you

don't know? Are y'all able to do that with each other? Yeah. Yeah. I think we are, even though we process differently, we've, we've been able to kind of, um, step into each other's shoes and, and be that. Yeah. It may be super helpful to have a, go get a nice one, like spend some money and get a nice journal that you both can write back and forth in and it can stay on your pillow and your bed. And one of you y'all just agree that every couple of days, the other person will write in it. It can be a way for you to get your unfiltered thoughts out without also

reading his eye movements and his eye rolls and the way he's clenching his forehead, right? It can let you be unprocessed and unbiased and unfiltered and put those thoughts down and then he can read them and check in and then he can write, right? And sometimes people get separate in their grief because they think the other person is thinking different things than they're actually thinking and you end up on two different planets. Writing it down and having a way that y'all can process. It's almost like, remember when you were in middle

school, elementary school, and you had those notebooks and you'd write them and hand them to your friends? That may have been when I was a kid. I guess now you just text back and forth, but it's a way to keep up with one another. And then here's the last two things. Number one, listen to the doctors and for God's sakes, not the internet. Okay. Have you been down the WebMD rabbit hole yet? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. It's bad. It's bad. What does that even mean? Well, I would say I've been down the Facebook rabbit holes. There are a lot of Facebook groups for this diagnosis. And the problem is, is that, again, like you said, it's different people, different stories. So, you know.

And it's a competition to who out sucks the other person, right? Like whose life is worse than the other. It's like, oh yeah, well, this happened to me. Like, oh yeah, well, this and this and this happened. Oh gosh, stay off Facebook for God's sake. Stay off Facebook, right? Okay. Or just make a little tiny community

and just say positive things or nothing. Otherwise, you're an idiot. Like, yeah, just don't go down the hole. Listen to your doctors. And if you ever have a gut feeling they're not telling you the truth and are being open with you, challenge them. This is your child.

This is your baby. And I'm confident that you're already there. Here's the last thing. Hug, love, and hold this little two-year-old accountable in the same way you would your other kids. And you want him, the challenge is going to be you want to just give him a pass on everything, right? Because he's got cancer, if we're crying out loud. Yeah. But let him also be a little boy.

And let him also say, hey, I asked you to bring your plate over, right? Go back and get your plate or we don't hit or still hold him accountable and let him see that he is a part of this functioning family. He is just like his older brothers, older sisters. I don't know what the other two are, but he is just like them. And he is still a learning, developing little boy

who also has this additional challenge. When you get done, when this thing is through, and he is well, and he is healed, and he is whole, he will have this two parents who still gave him little boy boundaries. They still held him accountable. They still hugged the crap out of him all the time, and they still wrapped him up in all sorts of joy, but not bubble tape. They listened to the doctors, and now he's got strength, and he's got character. He's got two parents that he knows will go to the end of the earth for him, and now he's got a story to tell because mom and dad took the pin when this thing started and said, here's who we're

going to be through this process. And never forgetting that you're the authors of this thing, and be real, real, real, real graceful for yourself. There are some days that cheeseburgers are all that's going to matter, and I'm giving you full permission to crush them, okay? Crush them. And, hey, bring your other kids in on this thing too. Do you give them jobs? Do you give them opportunities to help and be a part of this?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Ah, that's so good. That's so good. Hey, here's the thing. You are down the road in this thing. When you think of being whole when this is all over, Robin, whole is not going to be what once was. Whole is going to be something totally new.

And you're going to have scars and you're going to have growth. You're going to have new branches that you didn't even know existed. You're going to have cried harder than you knew possible. Your marriage is going to be stronger in a way that you wish it wasn't so strong because it only gets this strong through strain and stress, but a hole is not going to be what it once was. It's going to be new. And that new is going to be extraordinary. And you can shine it. It's still going to have dents and seams in it where it was welded back. But it's also going to have new and strong and beautiful.

And I'm so excited for this journey. Keep us in the loop on how things are going, how your family's doing. And if I can help at all, let me know. I'm so grateful for the call. This is your story, and you get to write it and you don't know how the ending's going to be but you get to write who the characters are going to be in this story all right let's go to Ann in Tulsa Oklahoma Ann what's up hey how are you I'm super good how are you okay. Really happy to be on the show. I'm thrilled. Well, I'm glad that you called. I'm thrilled as well. So we're double thrilled. What's up? How can I help?

So a few weeks ago, I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation. Okay. I'm home now, and I'm back at work. Good. But things are still, I mean, kind of weird, kind of different. And I really just wanted to know, you know, how can I walk through this season well, especially with my husband? What a great question. Okay, so you are married. Do you have any kids?

No, no kids. So tell me about what happened. What happened, and how did you end up in a hospital? Yeah, so I have a history of trauma and been diagnosed with PTSD and I started having these panic attacks and in the panic attacks, you know, I would really believe that people would be better off just without me. And so I was having a really horrible panic attack and believing that. And it was like something just snapped. And I was like, okay, well, I need to find the best way to, I mean, kill myself.

And luckily, my husband and I were able to see my usual counselor and you know we talked to her about what's been going on and you know I just I got to that point where I was not confident that I could promise to keep myself safe and so they decided that it would be best for me to go inpatient for a while. And I did. Kind of changed up some medicine. Learned some new coping tools. And so you've been out for a few weeks? Yes.

And how are you feeling now that you're back home? It's weird. Things are starting to get back to normal every once in a while like i'll do something with my husband and you know i'll feel that joy again we're getting there then there's also things that are just really weird like what's weird you know our medicine well our medicine's locked now yeah and like we're having to really pay close attention to like what we do and don't do to try to avoid like triggers and just not get too tired so that i end up a mess and i just feel really embarrassed that I was there in the first place. Because on the outside, I'm still holding it together really well.

And not a lot of people know what actually happened. Okay. So I want to change the ending here. Okay. There won't be a back to normal and I would recommend never using that phrase again and I would even suggest you don't want to be back to normal because back to normal was full of panic attacks and trauma memories both both in your mind and your body's response right and Trump the back

to normal normal sucked it wasn't good. Right. And so what we're doing now is we are building a new tomorrow that's going to be different and stronger and more secure and more extraordinary than anything. The people who hurt you could have imagined for you anything that you and you married this great guy could have imagined, anything that you had in your heart and mind, that's where we're going now. And so sometimes the burden, the weight of trying to drag around what was into our present is so exhausting. I'm just out. I'm done, right? There's a whole new energy with the excitement of building something new and the excitement of here's where we're going. And we're going to stumble and trip and fall and think,

God, you've got an awesome guy walking alongside you. But this is where we're headed, and it's going to be so rad when we get there. By the way, you're never going to get there. The big sucker punch in all this is that it is where you're headed, right? It's awesome. So here's a couple of things. You may know this about your husband, but is where you're headed, right? It's awesome. So here's a couple of things. You may know this about your husband, but you scared him to death, right? Is that fair? Yes.

Okay. Is he doing the best he can, however good or misguided, but is he doing the best he can to love you with the tools he's got? Yes, absolutely. Okay. So I want you to always keep that in your heart and mind. When it gets super frustrating, you can't just go get some Advil. Or it gets super annoying that you just want Diet Coke and they have locked the – whatever the thing is, right? You and your doctors. Just breathe and realize that stupid knucklehead is trying to love me again, right?

And again and again. Did y'all create a, usually they'll do it together if you've got a partner that's willing to. Did y'all co-create a wellness plan together? Well, we did one at the hospital, but it was kind of like a rush part of the, I mean, discharge, I guess. And I haven't gone over it in detail with my husband,

and so I probably should. Yeah, so here's what I would do. I would take that, and I would let your counselor know that you're doing this, but you and him can work together on building a wellness plan that includes both of you, and he will be able to walk with firmer footing because you're going to give him permission to. When you see me not get out of bed two days in a row, you have permission to call my counselor, and my counselor's got permission to talk to you because you see me not get out of bed two days in a row, you have permission to call my counselor. And my counselor's got permission to talk to you because you love me. And you don't like that I'm about to say this, Ann, but you're only two weeks out.

That's not a very long time. And so for you, this feels like, oh, it's over. I would tell you you're still in it, okay? And you are still like you've seen like a baby giraffe on the National Geographic or whatever, like those wobbly feet. That's where you're at right now. And that's good. That's awesome. You've got people who love you. You've got doctors surrounding you. You've got resources and that's all good. But accept that he's trying to love you and coach him. And when he has a wellness plan that he can live into, great. And you get to speak into that too. That may mean, hey, I do not at all ever want your

advice ever, ever. Never give me advice. I hate it. I don't want it. Just hug me. And man, every guy I know who's had somebody who's tried to commit suicide in their world, just, man, they read everything they can and are just throwing facts at these poor people. And it's not helpful, right? So this wellness plan that y'all co-create together, and I'd love it if you did it with your counselor too, all three of you, it'd be awesome. But it lets you develop an honesty and it's a strength that you're going to develop, which is I need this from you.

And you've probably never had permission to say those words out loud because you're a trauma survivor. And he's going to say, I see this in you. And I, we've already talked about it. I'm going to help in this way. And that way he's not guessing and throwing things off into the moon. And then the last thing here is you have to promise and swear and participate in some ancient bonding ritual. I don't know, whatever it is. Like, you've got to swear, promise, crush your heart, hope to die,

stick a needle in your eye, that if you ever have darts again, you're going to let them know that you're going to call somebody. Yeah. Do you promise, promise, promise that? Yes. That didn't sound very convincing. That sounded like they told you that

at the hospital, and you said, I will, so they would let you leave no i mean it's tough it's hard i mean even though i know it's the right thing to do it's hard to see the pain that that causes whenever you let i mean your husband know what's happening and i would say all the time well yeah of course say... But I do hard things all the time. Yeah, of course you do. You can do hard things. And it is pain, but it's it's pain

because He loves you so much. It's pain because He's in this with you, right? He is your ride or die, and so it's not pain at Him, it's pain with Him, and that's totally different. This is pain He signed up for, right? He is in it, and that that's what he's for and there will come a day when he's going to lean on you if he hasn't already my guess is he probably has already what is your what is part of your

um personal wellness journey what's your arc with dealing with this trauma who who are you going to become in light of this i really want to become a person that can advocate for other people that have been through the same stuff that I have been and just show them that it's okay. Before you do that, I want you to advocate for Ann. Yeah. And so easy. It's easy to blow by what just happened with you, to blow by your feelings, blow by your traumas and start focusing on helping other people.

And you got to help you. You've got to believe that you're worthy of all this wellness and love that's coming your way. Part of the thing that really annoys you is that you don't think you're worthy of helping and your husband does. And then he shows up and it drives you crazy. Right? That's accurate. and you're super annoyed

that your stupid counselor keeps checking in on you because who are you right the best way you can advocate for other people is to do the hard gritty messy bloody yucky, hard work of getting well, of processing those traumas, taking them out of your body for good. They are a part of you. They always will be, but they won't set off every alarm you have. They won't make you so exhausted. They won't send your body off into just spinning out and spinning out to where the only solution to make this thing is to make this thing stop. Right?

Right. And it just gets exhausting. Is that right? Yeah, absolutely. Often people don't understand if they haven't sat by somebody who's experiencing this. They don't understand. It doesn't make sense. Does it ring true with you? The most common thing I've heard when I've sat with people who have attempted suicide or are about to is, I'm so tired, I just need this to stop.

Yes. Does that ring true? Yeah. Okay. So today, it's two weeks later. How are you feeling? I'm still tired. Yeah?

But hopeful. I'm still tired yeah but hopeful you know a lot of good things came out of that tell me what two of them were I actually made friends while I was in vacation hey how cool is it and I'm laughing because that's one of the most common things I hear like I got two new bros

listen how cool is it? And I'm laughing because that's one of the most common things I hear. Like, I got two new bros. Listen. I know. How cool is it, though? Okay, I'll back it up. Tell me if this is your experience. You went in there the next morning because the first thing they do is they make you sleep, right? So the next morning you wake up and you see a group of people and you're like, whoa, I'm not that, right? Did you have that experience?

To an extent. Some of them were, some of them I was like, okay, I'm not the odd one out here, but there were others, but yeah. Okay. So you're so kind. The two responses are number one, oh my gosh, I'm not alone. I thought I was nuts and I'm not alone. And number two, okay, they're super need to be here. I don't, right? And then you start thinking, what am I doing? I get embarrassed, right? So here's the thing.

The people who loved you, the professionals in your life, they said this is the right place for you. And they did the right thing. You did the brave, right thing. You've got zero, zero, zero reason to feel embarrassed or ashamed. Okay? The same as if you broke your ankle and you went to the doctor to get a cast on it. You wouldn't come out and people would be like, oh, it's so lame.

You got a cast. You got an X-ray on your broken ankle. Dumb. Same thing. Okay? Or if you severed a finger that you went and got it sewed back on. No one would give you a hard time about that. This is the same situation.

You had some challenges. You went and sought the right professional care. You were brave and went to the doctor and they took care of you. And so I'm so glad you're still with us. So glad you made this call. And now it's about who you're going to be. You are not alone, Ann. Do you promise me when I tell you that? Yeah. And I don't know if you've listened to the show, but one promise I make is I won't lie to anybody. And so if I didn't believe this, I wouldn't tell you. You are absolutely worth being here tomorrow and the next day and every day after that. The world will be a darker place without you here. Okay. I know you don't fully believe when I say that yet. You're two weeks out and that's okay. But I want you to continue to use that as a touchstone.

And your husband, who has a whole lot more impact in your life than some idiot on the radio does, he tells you the same thing. Okay? Yeah. We're glad you're here, and you're worth being here. Okay? Now, the fun, adventurous, exciting part of what comes next, there is no back to normal. It's all new from here. And that's the most exciting, fun part because you get to create and build what that's going to look like.

And so glad that you got somebody you can ride with and you met two new folks on the inside. And y'all can be best friends forever. You probably won't be, but hey, it is super fun that you've got those folks. Make sure you stay connected to your doctor. Make sure, make sure you stay connected to your counselor. Make sure you stay plugged in with your husband. Y'all co-create a plan together so he knows how he can best love and serve you. You know how you can slowly start taking these steps on standing up tall, letting your voice be heard, letting what you say matters, what you want matters.

And you promised in front of a lot of people, a lot of people, you promised that if you ever have dark moments again, if you ever think about hurting yourself again, you're going to reach out. And we're going to hold you to it, and we're going to hold you to it. Okay? Thank you so, so much for your call. We love you, and we're so glad you're with us. I cannot wait. I cannot wait to see the exciting things you have ahead of you. I can't wait to see the grind and how hard it's going to

be in the little step after a little step after a little step. It's not going to be easy, but I can't wait to see your journey from here. Thank you so, so much for this call, Anne. All right. So we're going to totally switch gears here. My friend Gwaine sent me this article and I immediately read it and thought, I can't believe I haven't thought of this because I say some of these things. But then I thought, oh, gosh, I may be wrong. And so I need to make sure that I'm not an idiot. And so, and those aren't mutually exclusive here. So I'm just going to read you a couple of things. It's an article by a guy named Pete Ross.

Now, listen, I don't know anything about Pete. I never met Pete. I don't know Pete. And so Pete may be the worst guy ever. I don't think so. He's probably a great guy too. He may be just fine. I don't know Pete Ross.

So partridge in a pear tree. But here's probably a great guy too. He may be just fine. I don't know Pete Ross, so Partridge in a Pear Tree. But here's what the article talks about. And it's fascinating. Just a quick snippet. In 2020, outrage is the latest drug of society. It's more acceptable than alcohol. It's more addictive than anything you can swallow, smoke, or inject because while heroin and meth are clearly harmful, anger feels so righteous.

After all, it's the other political party that's ruining the world. Their supporters hate America. People are too selfish. We're not doing enough for the poor. We're not doing enough for the 1%. Women don't have enough rights. Men don't have enough rights. Those people are racist.

That group doesn't even recognize their privilege. And on and on. And he goes to write, we love being angry because it makes us feel smart. That reminds me of an article that a guy named Dr. Stoney wrote in Psychology Today, I think it was a year or two ago. Anger, we blame somebody when we get angry because it sets off our adrenaline. And we have to have adrenaline for fight or flight and you can become addicted to that anger when you get angry it makes you feel smart it makes you feel a little bit of power which you need in a moment if you're going to take off sprinting if

you're going to turn and fight a bear and it tells us that we're the ones that need to be in charge right that we call someone out or worse we try to ruin their careers because they deserve it. It's because I'm right, and, and, and. And outrage sells like crazy because it's a strong emotion, and strong emotions force people into action. That's why political parties, instead of just solving problems, which nobody will do, instead of solving problems, they whip their supporters into a frenzy. I'm still reading here. Whip their supporters into a frenzy of anger against whatever other side is. Corporations are now getting involved. They weaponize your

outrage to sell their products. Now, you all know my thoughts on technology, how they create these ecosystems, right? And I'm a part of it. I get it too. Feel free to move right on, right? But this is a thought I hadn't considered before. Now, here's what he writes. Now, rather than get on my high horse and tell you that you're being played for a fool and you should stop participating in the media, blah, blah, blah. I just want to ask one question.

How is this working out for you? Has constantly reading, liking, retweeting, or commenting your outrage made your life any better? Has it helped any of the injustices that you're actually trying to fight? What's it actually doing for you? Has it helped you earn more work, be better with your family? Has it made you more fulfilled? Has it helped solve the insanity of systemic racism and poverty and hate and political divide? Has it helped? He writes, my guess is it's just made you even more pissed off and angry. So he ends it with, here's a better idea. What if we use that time and energy to actively better your life and the lives of those around you?

If you don't do that and keep being outraged by everything, your anger is going to consume you. Or if somebody says something outrageous that you disagree with, don't give them smoke. Don't give them the fire. Simply go outside and serve somebody. Simply go outside and join the march, the peaceful protest. Simply go outside and invite someone to your house who's hungry. Be about these solutions, not outraged by them. Now here's the thing.

He ends with this. It's important to remember that yes, there are more injustices than you can shake a stick at. You all know me well enough. There is so much disgust and evil and ugliness out there over and over and over and over. But thumbs downing something or mean comments just simply aren't helping. If you want to take somebody's power away,

take their voice away. Just walk away. Because you know what? If the injustice machine, I mean, not the injustice, if the outrage machine doesn't get the clicks, they'll stop putting the stories up. They'll stop. It'll just end because they're not getting anything, right? So I hadn't thought of this idea that outrage is ruining people's lives in this direct way. And outrage is important. When you see something disgusting, you got to step up and you got to step

in. But I don't know if media fights media screaming is the way to do it and i've gotten suckered into this the last year especially through the political season of man going to war and being loud and i've got away from some of my core principles without which are i'm gonna love local i'm gonna take care of people in my community and i'm gonna go out of my way to make sure people are in my sphere, are taken care of. And I hope that when you feel anger rise up in you and you recognize that it's pointing you towards something you care about, that your solution is to go get involved in care face-to-face, person-to-person, heart-to-heart, and not just to join the outrage parade. I love that question.

It's from the whole American History X. How is this working out for you? How is this making your life better? It's a great question we should all ask ourselves. And more importantly, how is this helping other people's lives? Those who are suffering these injustices. All right, Gwaine, thanks for sending this on, man. It gives me something to think about.

I'd love to hear your thoughts. So feel free to email us back or shoot me on the internets at John Deloney. You can follow me there. All right, let's take one more call. Let's go to Kevin in San Antonio. What's up, Kevin? How are you?

Man, I'm so good. How about you? I'm great. Thanks for having me on, and thank you for all you do. I'm a big fan. Hey, thanks, brother. I appreciate you calling in, and I love me some San Antonio, man. It's really, it's the best. It's the best. All right, man. So what's up? So I am 21 engaged and I'm getting ready to move out,

but I think my mom is manipulating my situation a little bit to influence where I move and I need help navigating it. Okay. So what does getting ready to move out mean? Well, I am finishing up college and have job offers in two very different cities. One is Austin, Texas, and the other is in Washington, D.C. Okay. And after narrowing it down to those two cities, you know, she is very much wanting me to move towards Austin. Of course she is.

And not go towards D.C. at all. It's like two hours away or an hour and a half away or 90 minutes away, right? An hour and a half away, yes, sir. So how is she manipulating you? What does that even mean? Well, every time that I bring up the D.C. option, which is a viable option, it's both viable for myself and for my fiancé. She tries her best to shoot it down in any and every way she can.

She cites it's too expensive. It's not safe. I'm making a mistake. I'm missing out on an opportunity, a great opportunity in Austin. And whenever I defend the option for the sake of having a conversation, she will shut down and say, well, I guess I don't get an opinion then, do I? And kind of guilts me about it, you know, and so I'll try to talk to her and she's, you know, Kevin, I just don't want you to ruin your life. And, you know, I'm really telling you what I think is best. And I think the worst part is that she's said that I'm being manipulated by my fiance and that I just can't see it because I'm too deep in the middle of everything.

Cool. And that I am, you know, I can't see anything very clearly, but that she can. And so, like I said, it's gotten difficult. So here's a story, Kevin. One time I was going to move somewhere far away. And someone I loved called me and we had a hard conversation. And on the phone they said some things about my lack of planning, what I didn't know about where I was going,

the amount of research I had or hadn't done, what kind of parent am I to be doing X, Y, and Z taking my kid to place X, Y, and Z and dude I got pissed it was like dude how dare you

I don't know a lot but I at least know to research where I'm moving my child and I at least know that of course I've involved my wife in this and in your case your fiance you can call it manipulation if you want but I'm choosing to hitch my wagon to somebody for the rest of our lives and so of course they have a say in this not only do they have a say but their life's involved too so they have their feelings and hearts and principles and facts all of that right right right? Right. And then it hit me.

We were not having a fact discussion at all. Had nothing to do with that. And while the person was responding to my phone call, I took the phone a couple inches away from my ear, and I started quietly whispering to myself, John, I love you, and I don't know how to say it. And so I'm doing the best I can. John, I love you. I don't know how to say it. And so I'm doing the best I can. And here's what your mom's telling you right now, Kevin. She loves you.

She doesn't want you to go away. Not because she doesn't think you can make it. Of course you can. Not because if you went to Washington DC and and became president she wouldn't be the proudest mom on planet earth right because she loves you you've been living at home she's gonna miss you she's about to turn you over to some other lady right that's never gonna cook her casserole like she does who's never gonna love her baby boy like she does. And it's coming out all sideways. And so when she gives you her thoughts on, I think, Austin's the best option, and you're just being stupid,

naive, and dumb, and idiotic, and being swindled by some girl who's happened that's going to be her daughter-in-law pretty soon, I want you to hug her and say, thank you so much for letting me know, and giving me your insights. That means a lot.

You've seen a lot of stuff, and I appreciate it. And then, Kevin, she doesn't get a vote, brother. It doesn't matter what she wants. You've got to do what's right for you and your wife and your career. And here's the thing. You don't know where your career is going to go. You don't know what tomorrow is going to look like. You can be in Austin for 13 days, and then the city is going to freeze again, or it's going to melt, or you're going to have to

move anyway, or you can go to DC. Dude, don't overthink it. And any move you make right now is not forever. I'm going to suggest you take the more adventurous route. Take the craziest option, the option that has the biggest risk and payoff, the one that's going to make you work the hardest and have to stay up the latest and make you and your new wife have to learn the most about each other because you're, what, how old are you? 21. Yeah, dude, you are just getting rolling. The 20s are where it's at because you can run and run and run and grind and learn and learn and do it. And you're lucky enough to have somebody by your side in this process who's like, dude, I'm all Ryder, Dyke, Kevin forever. And, man, don't overthink your mom.

She's not manipulating you. She is, but I wouldn't look at it that way. I would look at it as she's trying to say I love you, And the only language she knows is Spanish. And you're speaking Italian and honor her for what she's trying to do. And then man, put your back pocket and move on your day. At the end of the day, you got to make a call. Now, here's the big question I've got for you. Are you going to DC or Austin? You already know. Well, I think I'm going to DC now. I've been talking out on the job side of it with my fiance and I think that DC is going to end up being more viable. So it really

has been a decision in the making up until even just five minutes ago when she and I have still been talking it out. But I think it's going to end up being in D.C. Make your call. Be a person of character. Tell your mom to her face. And she's going to be sad. She's going to be angry. She's going to be frustrated. It's not because you're stupid. It's because her little baby boy is growing up and moving out.

And I want to honor my mom in that moment. It's hard for everybody. She's going to say some things she regrets, and she's probably going to say some things that hurt. It is what it is. And she's still your mom. And if you can hear it as, I love you, and I don't know how to say some things that hurt. It is what it is. And she's still your mom. And if you can hear it as I love you and I don't know how to say it in the right way,

I'm doing the best I can. If you can hear it in that way, then you can move on, brother. And then, of course, if she becomes a toxic lunatic and sends you mean texts all the time and calls you and leaves guilt trip messages, at some point you're going to draw boundaries and cut that out.

But as she's watching her baby boy graduate college, hitch himself to another woman, and move halfway across the country, I'm going to give my mom that moment of heartbrokenness on 50 different fronts, right? I'm not going to be her punching bag, but I'm going to believe that she is doing the best she can to tell me she loves me. I'm not going to carry that baggage around.

I'm not, right? And you don't have to either. You are heading off to somewhere awesome. And here's the thing. You go to D.C., and it sucks. And you're there for six months, and you and your wife are like, well, this is stupid. Come back to Austin with your head held high.

Take your mom out for some dope Mexican food and say, you told me so. Congratulations, I'm buying dinner. And then take your Austin job, and you'll be right back where you were, and it'll be awesome. Or here's what's going to happen. She's going to come visit you in six months.

You're going to take her to the Smithsonian. You're going to take her to some cool spots in D.C. that you know that nobody else knows because it's cool. She's going to be all in. And then she's going to start talking about buying a condo out there. That's just how it's going to go. Just remember, hey, Kevin, I love you, and I don't know how to say it. And I'm going to miss you so, so, so much, and I don't know how to say it.

So I'm just going to tell you you're stupid, and I want you to move down the street from mom. Thank you so much for the call, Brother Kevin. All right, here's the thing. This is a big moment for me. The other night I was at an event, and this happened. I met Meatloaf. I met Meatloaf, the guy, the legend.

And I didn't even know what to say. I don't get starstruck ever. I just don't. And I saw Mr. the Loaf loaf and I walked straight up to him and I was like hey meet you and our bros you're about 50 years older than me and your life's been infinitely different than mine but you're awesome and we hung out for a while he was as delightful and hilarious and whatever you could imagine and then I got home and my wife was half asleep, like just hanging on.

I said, hey baby, I just wanted to let you know I'm home. And she's like, all right, good night. And I said, and by the way, tonight I partied with meatloaf. And she was just like, whatever. And then she started to fade out and she sat back up and goes, did you find out what that one thing he won't do for love is? To which I died laughing

and I was like, I didn't ask. I forgot. And she's like, idiot. And then she just laid back down to go to sleep. And so in honor of Mr. The Loaf and one of the strangest evenings of my life, this song is off the Rock the Planet album. I don't even know what year, probably 1804. This is the song, I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that. And it goes like this. And I would do anything for love. I'd run right into hell and back. I would do anything for love. I'll never lie to you. And that's a fact, but I'll never forget the way you feel right now. Oh no, no way. And I would do anything for love, but I won't do that. Anything for love. I would do anything for love, but I won't do that. Anything for love. I would do

anything for love, but I won't do that. And some days it don't come easy. And some days it don't come hard. Some days it don't come at all. And those are the days that never end. And some nights you're breathing fire and some nights you're carved in ice. And some nights you're like nothing I've ever seen before or will again. And maybe I'm crazy. Oh, it's crazy and it's true. I know you can save me. No one else can save me but you. And I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.

And I don't know what that is. And such is this show. This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.