The Dr. John Delony Show - Parenting & WFH, Engagement Conflict, Kids & Sports

Episode Date: March 31, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   I run a business from home and have a 2-year-old daughter. How do I balance connecting with her and running my business? My fiancée doesn’t want to take my last name when we get married. I really want her to. What can I do? My 11-year-old daughter is in competitive gymnastics. She is not putting effort in; should we make her step up or let it play out? Lyrics of the Day: "Ruby Soho" - Rancid   tags: workplace/career, parenting, disagreement/conflict, marriage, goals/life planning   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show we talk about balancing working at home with raising a small kid. We talk to a young man whose fiance does not want to take his last name. And we talk to an awesome mom whose 11-year-old daughter is in gymnastics and she's not putting in the work we all think she should be. Right parents, right? Stay tuned. What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Grab a chair. Grab something to eat.

Let's hang out. Hope you're doing well. I hope that you're being kind. I hope that you're finding joy in the morning Optimism in the afternoon And even though things are hard and rough And you're figuring it out every day Hope that you're hanging in there

And I'm so grateful that you're with us On this show we're going to talk about your relationships Your mental health What's next Parenting Freakouts We're going to talk about this In a previous show recently i talked about

how i was having a good morning and then i just opened the freezer and there my wife had said i'm not blaming her but in my defense she had stuffed a box of Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies. And I wasn't going to, and I closed it. And then as I walked away, it was just going, hey, come back. And I came back over and over until I just kind of laid there in a quasi-diabetic coma filled with shame. Right before that show, James came in here eating this giant muffin of a chocolate strawberry covered

thing of sadness slash goodness they call it it was labeled strawberry chocolate bread which is basically just a piece of cake but i got it for the antioxidants from the strawberries and the chocolate we all lie to ourselves on this show, by the way, over and over again. But right after the show, James was like, how are you giving me, because I was like, hey, this is a health and wellness show, man. Why are you bringing this cake trash here? And then I proceeded to admit that I had not had a great morning of self-discipline.

And so what I'm doing now is I'm admitting that I also, out of shame, I lash out at my friends and people who I care about and love. So I'm sorry, is I'm admitting that I also out of shame I lash out at my friends and people who I care about and love so I'm sorry James I forgive you to all of America we just modeled what healthy forgiveness looks like did we well I modeled it you modeled what asking for forgiveness looks like I didn't ask for anything you just offered it I just told you I'm sorry and here's the thing good folks this is going to end up in my weekly report. It's going to have some comment like, man, John's being rude about me on the internets.

So sorry to everybody. But James modeled what a healthy forgiveness, kind forgiveness could look like if this wasn't such a prefabricated situation. So hope you guys all are happy. And then, of course, Kelly's going to the gym after this to make us all look bad. So there you go. All right, so let's get right to the phones today. Let's go to Emily in Chattanooga. Emily, what's going on?

This is the Deloney Show. How can I help? Hey, Dr. John. I just wanted to say thank you so much to you and Kelly for taking my call today. Thank you so much. And by the way, I just started the whole call off weird. Of course you know what show it is. You called. I made it weird. So, hey, what's up? How can I help? It's all good. I may

have forgotten. Who knows? Yes. So yeah, I'm an entrepreneur with a two-year-old son. And my question for you is, will working while he's awake and playing create anxiety in him? I want a quality connection with him. It's my main focus, but I am traditionally just struggling to get my job done, even with waking up early and staying up late. Where in your... Great question, right? Man, you just got my head spinning here. Who told you that you're going to create anxiety in your son? The internet. Ah, the internet. I bet they said you could also solve it with essential oils, didn't they? They did. I wrote something that like not giving direct eye contact to them,

especially like when they're babies and when they're growing up will create anxiety in some level and make them feel like their focus is drawn or something. And so I've worked it up in my head where I feel like if I even look at my phone or look at my laptop, even for a second, that he's going to just be a basket of anxiety. Gotcha. All right. So you're somebody who loves their kid and wants to do right. And like all of us, you went to the internets and they told you what a terrible mom you are and what a awful job you're probably doing okay so is this your first kid yes how old two you told me that right two years old okay are you married are you doing this all by yourself no i'm married okay What's a dad's role in this deal? My dad or my dad. Oh my gosh. My husband is amazing. This is the Dr. Freud show too. Go ahead. Yikes. Yes. My husband works out of town and he works really long hours. So he's usually home

by around six and he's home on the weekends. He's really involved. He understands that I work from home and so he has no problem taking my son outside, playing with him. He's really supportive of what I do and of our kid. So yeah, he's kind of, I don't want to say along for the ride, but if I say, hey, I need to do this, he's there for it. Very cool. So what does home look like? And what does work look like? Paint me a picture of your work from home. You're an entrepreneur.

What are you doing? Yeah, so I am a professional organizer and realtor. So the majority of my job is... Oh, gosh. Hold on, hold on. You're super, super type A, aren't you? I have been called that before. That's the most...

Other people have said that about me. It was not in my list, and so I do not totally agree with it, but other people have said that. That's awesome. Okay. So now I'm just getting a fuller picture of you, Emily, and it's so wonderful. Okay. So you are an organizer and a real estate person. What does that mean? So that means that I do a lot of admin stuff at home, but obviously like showing homes

and organizing with clients and stuff, I am in other people's houses. But then when I'm home, I'm home if I don't have childcare or if I have a laundry list of things for work to get done, marketing, contracts, just a lot of the office kind of back-end stuff, then I'm at home and working on a laptop or phone or whatever. And so those are two businesses, especially the real estate part, that is kind of wonky hours, right? I mean, I remember having, we bought a house a few months ago and I was having text exchanges at 7, 8, 9 at night over deals and certain things, right? So it kind of goes and goes. So what does home look like? When you are off, phones down,

plugged in with this little one, what's that like? We do a lot outside. We're always playing outside. And even when the weather's bad, we're looking for different things that we can do. When it's just Remy, my son, when it's just us playing at home, we're inside and playing, we're outside and playing. We do a lot of different practical things. And I try and keep my phone away in another room and just really focus on him. Very cool. So I'm not going to give credence to the Internet. There is, if you live a life that is totally distracted all the time,

your kids will vie for that desperate thing that every kid needs, both physiologically, both spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, all of it, which is to be known and seen. That is a for real thing. To say it automatically causes fill-in-the-blank diagnostic, I wouldn't go there. But I would say, yes, your kids need to have time with you that is not bound up by a phone, that is not split between somebody else. We call it the scroll and nod, right? Where you're just like, uh-huh,

uh-huh, and then you just bonk that ball, but you're really focused on whatever's on your text messages or on your watch or whatever. So yes, that splitting of time is the challenge. The other side of that is they also need boundaries. They also need to know this is time when I'm doing these things and this is when you go do these things. That's hard with a two-year-old. I know two-year-olds are just now coming around to finding out that boundary. And the third thing is I loved at a young age, and I still do it now, every opportunity I had to take my kids with me, two, three, four, ten, I did. So do you ever take your kid, Remy, and put him in one of those child carriers and take him to show a house or to go prep a house before somebody shows up? I do.

You do do that? How is that? Is that scary, weird, fun? It's a little scary, but he is truthfully a really good kid, and he minds really well. So if he needs to hold my hand, he does. If he kind of walks behind us or in front of us, he does. If he's unsure about the environment, he kind of sticks right near us. But I've done it a couple of times and he seems to do it pretty well. I can't take him when I organize an appointment because sometimes it's just an unsafe environment. Sure, absolutely.

Yeah, but showing houses, different things like that, I do try and take them when I can. Very cool. So here is what I would tell you is a magic phrase for me as a parent, for my wife as a parent, and for any parents I work with. And that is to make, as best you can, either-or time. Either-or time, which is, I am all with you or I am all not with you. I am, this is mommy's work am, this is mommy's work time. This is mommy's play time. And I know that's really hard. And so I have, and there's no data on this. One thing that I've recommended to folks to try out is get with a two-year-old and have them help you make two hats.

One is a colorful, bonkers, fun hat that is mommy hat. And one is all red, right? Or all a real bright color. And that's mommy's work hat. And when mommy's wearing work hat, that's when she needs to have some quiet time. Now, two is pretty young. Two still wants you all the time, right? 24-7, 365. That will begin to shift in short order. But that gives a child a way to see it. So your husband comes home and you can say, hey, I'm working. And you can still, you can be sitting in bed, legs out, laptop on your lap, you're typing away, and he can just feel it. You're working. Versus when you're just watching Netflix, same position. Versus when you are writing a letter to your mom, same position, right? Kids can't toggle like that. So having some sort of loud demonstrative thing. This says

mommy's working, this says mommy's not. And then take your kid wherever you can, right? Wherever you can get them out of the house to go with you. They will learn how to interact with other people. Other people will be really graceful. And if they're jerks, like you're showing houses and they're like, oh my gosh, you brought that kid with you. Don't work with them because they're morons, right? And take their kid wherever you can with them. I think there's a lot of long-term benefits and they get to watch what it looks like when

mommy's at work. They get to watch mommy interact professionally and kindly with their people. There's so much there. And then here's the final thing. Give yourself a ton of grace, a ton of grace. Your husband's working out of town a lot. You got a two-year-old. This is a small season. If there are some times when you are trying to deal with text messages and calling, and you're trying to feed at the same time You're not going to ruin your child You're not going to ruin your child if you look up and you realize man, we've done this

Five nights this week then yeah, you've got to step back and have some boundaries with yourself You can keep up with your amount of screen time on your phone. You can check in on some of those things But give yourself a lot of grace. You got a two-year-old and you're doing the lion's share of the work at home by yourself. When your husband shows up, he's all in, which is so great. That's so cool. I'm glad he's doing that. Here's one other little thing. Oh yeah, my son did this and it was awesome. He served, it wasn't a babysitter because he was third grade, fourth grade, but what he did was he would go over to somebody's house and just play with their two and three-year-old. He would just roll a ball back and forth, play with a big puzzle.

But it was why the parent was home, working from home, doing stuff that they had to do at home to get caught up. So the baby had somebody interacting with them. They didn't have the full cost of a babysitter. Those are hard to find, especially in COVID. But my son was in third grade. He won. He got like 10 bucks or some tiny amount of money, but he thought he had a million dollars.

The little kid got to interact with a little bit older kid, which was fun for everybody. And then the parent got to get their work done and could have that one year out for it, but they weren't bound by it, right? So everybody wants. So there's some creative solutions there to the babysitter issue that maybe a babysitter liked, right?

Or maybe a friend comes over and just drinks coffee and plays with your baby, but you're still there. You can deal with the crises, but finding those little bitty interim solutions can be cool too. But on the whole, try to come up with either or time. Give yourself a lot of grace. You're not going to ruin your child. The child's in a home where they, mommy loves him, reads to him, plays with them, makes outside time, dad's involved. Your baby's going to be okay. Be conscious about the screen time. Be conscious about it, but be really graceful

to yourself. All right. Thank you so much for that call, Emily. You're awesome. You're so good. All right. Let's go to Andrew in Iowa City. What's up, brother? Andrew, how can I help, man? Hey, John, how's it going? All right, dude, what's up? So my fiance and I are engaged, and we're scheduled to get married here in July. Okay.

And I'm having trouble convincing her to change her last name to mine. Ooh, sweet. And I feel like I've got her boxed in. But I was wondering if you could help me out with that. Yeah, so first of all, never box in your person you're going to marry, right? Yeah. That's a losing proposition. Everybody loses when you try to box in another person, especially one that you love.

Okay, so walk me through this. You ask her to marry you, and she's like, yes, I will. And y'all get excited. And then she's like, BT dubs, I'm going to keep my last name. Yeah, so she comes, she's a single child, like a single child in the family, like only sibling, right? Okay. So she wants to hyphenate my last name with hers oh she wants to keep she wants yours but she just wants yours to be part of

a bigger name yes okay but and my argument is well it's still not the same okay because i wouldn't have to agree you know um hyphenate my name either and i was just like you know i can't the kids names wouldn't be the same either if it's if they're gonna have my last name okay catch where i'm going yeah i do so why does this why why does it matter to you i because historically in my family everybody even in my neck of the woods like I've only noticed until recently that some people change the last name and some people don't with the age of social media

but historically my family the bride takes the groom's last name and that's kind of how it is I mean I haven't really understood why or I wasn't explained why that happens or why that is. Or like why, or I've never even heard of the struggle of coming to that realization, if that makes sense. Yeah, so there's a couple of things.

So my wife was a scholar. She was an academician. And she had her maiden name, and she had done some writing under her maiden name and then when she got married there would be some sort of disconnect between the person who wrote under this name then the scholar who's writing under this name right and so i'm the one who actually encouraged her i said man just keep your middle name and we happen to all work at at the same university she was a professor and i, man, just keep your middle name. And we happened to all work at the same university. She was a professor.

And I said, man, this is going to get real confusing with multiple Dr. Deloney's walking around. Why don't you just go by your – I was the one trying to get her to go by her maiden name just for the separation of church and state, right? I wanted my students to be able to say, man, Dr. So-and-so is the worst and not feel like I can't talk bad about your wife because that's one of their teachers, right? So she didn't do it. She said, no, I'm like, so we actually had the opposite conversation y'all are having. I've also heard it in broader circles about, just as you mentioned, there's no reason to do it other than tradition. And I love my last name and I don't like your last name. I want to be married to you, but I don't want to associate myself with your family.

And I'm the only kid. I want to keep this last name going because we didn't have any sons to follow that same tradition. So there's a bunch of different patriarchal reasons why we just take the last name and the woman loses her name and her autonomy all these other all these reasons at the end of the day none of that stuff matters any more than why do you want her to take your last name and why does she not want to yeah and for me i just want it to be the same because i feel like it's in the same pool we're in the same you know everything's the same because I feel like it's in the same pool. Everything's the same and it doesn't add any confusion to anything.

She wants to keep it because she was an athlete in high school and in college. I was just like, if you get into those Hall of Fames, you could go in as that last name because I didn't know you before that happened. I think that's kind of fair because I wouldn't expect her to do that. So for me, I just want it to be everything the same. And here's the thing. The everything's the same for you is easier because for you, nothing changes. And for her, everything's different for it to be everything the same for you does that make sense yeah but i i do get man this is just the tradition i didn't even think to that we needed to think about this right so walk me through what happens if she chooses to hyphenate her name

i got a sense from you there's a tradition there you don't even know anybody in your community that does that is that going to make you feel like less of a man and it's no shame if it does i'm just i'm i'm trying to drill in a little bit here does that make you feel less than not really i just feel like it's kind of a control thing and not that i don't want to have control over her per se but like i don't want to be not unified in decisions if that makes sense yes that's where i'm going is this is a bigger conversation because for somebody it may feel like a power move for somebody else it may feel like regional or national acclaim under their name. And getting married means they're giving that up, right?

And it's going to – they're being absorbed into one person, which they are, right? It just makes this whole thing messy, which I want to get beneath that, which is where you are, which is, is this making you rethink how y'all are going to have conversations about hard things? For instance, I want to spank my kid. We're not spanking our kid. I don't care what you say. Or I want to live in this neighborhood. I'm never living in that neighborhood. I want a two-story house. I want a one-story, right? These conversations will go on for the duration of your relationship forever. Something tells me that if you're having this conversation, there's something else beneath it that makes you go,

what is that? I don't know. I just want to make sure that we're all all in on the same page and I just don't I can't put a finger on it I can't really narrow down what that is what's another argument you've lost before um I don't know I'm I'm a pretty easygoing guy so I don't like you know I don't know I'm a pretty easy going guy so I don't like you know

I don't so does this hurt the fact that you said hey I really this means a lot to me and she said I don't care not that she didn't care but that she's

so reluctant at best okay even hyphenate let me ask you this at the end of the day if she says hey I'm keeping my maiden name, we're getting married, is that a deal breaker for you? Not really.

It's just like it seems so not abnormal for my family tree, I guess. Yeah. And what about for her? If you say, hey, it means the world to me that you do this, the traditional way that we've done this, and you take my name, is that a deal breaker for her? I don't think so. Okay. But it just gets, this conversation just seems like it doesn't ever go anywhere.

Yeah, you're exactly right. And I think the reason it's not going anywhere is because nobody's being honest about the root here. And the root here is you both have put on the table, this means a lot to me, and the other person hasn't moved. And so this is not about last names anymore, although it is. It's more important about, whoa, how do we make decisions in this family? What's the 51-49? What is compromise going to look like? What does, like I said earlier,

when we get into bigger, badder issues as we move on to our family, how are we going to do this? How are we going to make these calls? And here's what you got to do before you get married. You're going to have to sit down with a premarital counselor and I want you to navigate some of these communication issues, some of these values issues, some of these belief issues,

and more importantly, I want you to come up with a game plan for how you're going to work through some of these values issues, some of these belief issues. And more importantly, I want you to come up with a game plan for how you're going to work through some of these things. I don't personally have an issue either which way on the last name thing. I've got friends who are musicians who are married who have different last names, but I think legally they may be the same. I don't know how any of that stuff works with them. I just know I call them different last names out in public. And I know that I tried to talk my wife into it for a publishing reason, but it didn't occur to me that the downstream challenges it would cause. The other side of that is I also know it can really feel like somebody's not all in. And I can also feel like, hey, if we're just doing this for tradition,

so you don't feel weird, this means a lot to me. And so every couple is going to have to make this decision for themselves. Every couple is going to have to get in a room and come up with the architecture for how we have hard conversations, how we disagree, and then how we come to terms with the outcome. But I want every guy especially to hear this. Just quote unquote, I just want things to be normal, tends to mean you get your way. I just want things to be the way they've always been, tends to mean somebody loses their name,

they get their voice squashed and you feel good about where you're at. And so if you feel yourself saying, why can't things just be the way they were? That's a good conversation to say, whoa, I need to learn some new skills. I want to dig into this a little bit deeper because there's something bigger going on. I really appreciate your vulnerability here, Andrew. It's hard to make this call and to say, hey, I'm struggling with this, and I don't really know why. I just want it to be normal and easy and let's just move on. I appreciate your heart, man. That's hard to say out loud. I also don't want to dismiss the fact that y'all are having a hard conversation because

this is bigger than just the last name. To everybody out there going, oh my gosh, can they just get over it? No, it's a big deal. You don't get to choose what's a big deal in somebody else's heart. They didn't invite you into their relationship to comment on it, right? But you guys got to figure out the hard conversation architecture ASAP before you get married because the conversations that y'all are going to have in your marriage are only going to get harder and harder and harder. Thank you for your vulnerability, brother. All right, let's go to Angela in Toledo, Ohio.

Angela, what's going on? Not much. How are you? All right. All right. How are we doing? I'm doing good. I'm doing good. Thank you Angela, what's going on? Not much. How are you? All right. All right. How we doing? I'm doing good. I'm doing good. Thank you. So what's up? Okay. So I have an 11-year-old daughter who is in competitive gymnastics. We spend a lot of time and money doing this, and my husband and I are not seeing, I guess, the level of effort we would like to see from her.

And we're kind of just wondering how to go about approaching that with her. And if there is a time to say we're done or if we need to let her make that choice. You are the only parents in the United States of America having this problem right now. I just want you to feel isolated and alone in this. Okay. Thank you. Thank isolated and alone in this. Okay? Thank you. Thank you. Wow.

Okay. So for a few minutes, can I make this all about me and walk you through my situation? Absolutely. I promise I'll come back to you, okay? Okay. There is nothing more annoying than somebody being like, hey, will you help me with something?

And they respond with, sure, let me tell you about my life. Okay. There is nothing more annoying than somebody being like, hey, will you help me with something? And they respond with, sure, let me tell you about my life. Okay. So I'm going to preface this with this. I am exhausted and annoyed by the quote-unquote passion conversation, right? I worked at universities for so long, and I would get these 18- and 19-year-olds that would say, I want to be a singer or a guitar player. I'm just so passionate about it, I want to be a singer or a guitar player. I'm just so passionate about it. I want to be a doctor. I'm so passionate about the medical field. Here's the thing. You become passionate about what you love and you love what you're good at

and you're good at what you practice. And unless you're an oddball like my wife, you practice what you were made to practice as a kid, right? You had to go through this because you learn how to practice and learn how to stick with something, right? So that's my overall disclaimer. And then I'm going to get personal. In eighth grade, I've been this big since I was like seven, okay? So in eighth grade, I've been this big since I was like seven. So in eighth grade, I was not a great football player, but I was pretty fast. And at the end of the year, I told my parents, hey, when we move up to high school, I went to a super 5A high school in Texas. I think my high school had 3,000, 4,000 kids. It was a lot. It was a big place.

And I told my parents, I don't want to play. And my dad said, you have to play. You got to go one more year. And I want you to give it your best. And so I did. At the end of that year, I said, hey, I want to be done with this. This leveled up here in high school. It's much more competitive. There's a bajillion kids out here. And I don't want to do it. And the next season, my mom said you're going to do it you're going to stick it out one more year that next year I began to grow into my body some I found some significant success I found some great coaches that poured into my life I found some great teammates and that started a love

affair with the sport I became a two-year player on varsity, got some extraordinary experiences that I never would have had. More importantly, I learned how to be coachable. I learned how to not take things personally, but how to change my behaviors. I still exercise to this day using some of the techniques and practices that I learned back when I was in high school, right? So I am a product of parents who would not let me quit. Now here's the other side.

My wife was just a phenom at basketball. As a freshman, she was a stud. They were having conversations about playing on varsity. She was really good. And in her words, I had to get out of there. I had to quit. And I asked her recently, hey, did you ever wish your parents had made you stay? Because I'm a product if my parents wouldn't let me bail out.

And she said it would have ended tragically for all of us if I had stayed. I had to get out. And she ended up transitioning over to cross country where, again, she met a great team, great comrades. She learned how to work hard and all that stuff. So why do I say it like that? Here's the thing. For my parents, they weren't living through me. They saw that I was a better human when I had discipline, accountability, and extreme physical exertion, right? They saw that when I wasn't playing sports, when I wasn't running around, when I wasn't in a disciplined environment, I was an idiot. I was a bonehead.

In fact, one time my junior or senior year, my dad said, like, hey, let's talk about the times you've gotten in trouble the last few years. It's always in the summer or it's always in that gap between football and track season, right? My little brother was allowed to quit football. It drove me crazy. I called my parents to lecture them, right? Well, then he went to college on a cello scholarship, right? So it's not like he dropped out and just started playing video games. He transitioned to something else, but they saw in him, hey, their identity wasn't in being a varsity parent. It wasn't about them.

It was about, hey, we know our kid well, and we think this is the right thing for them in this season. My son and I and my wife have had fights about violin. It's a big deal to me that my kids play an instrument. Music ed's a huge deal for me. And it got to where I thought I was going to come home and my wife was going to be sitting on the front porch with a shovel and a cigarette. And my kid was going to have been buried out in the yard somewhere. And we had harder and harder and harder conversations. And so what we ultimately allowed is you can't just quit on a random Tuesday.

You committed to finishing this thing. We're going to have a recital and we're going to put something on the calendar that you're going to prep for. And you're going to have to learn the consequences. If you don't want to practice, rock and roll. We're going to have a practice schedule. We're going to help you, but there will be people watching this recital. And if you choose to bomb it and tank it, you're going to do it in front of a crew. If you want to practice and get the support, I mean, we are all in, right? And so ultimately, my son practiced. We were there to support my wife. I say we.

What an idiot husband. She did almost 95% of that. And she helped him across there, got him across the finish line, and then he's taking a semester off. No violin. My marriage is better. Their relationship is better, and we're just taking a break. Okay? So why does this matter to you?

We've got to find this balance. So every parent I know is struggling with this. I played team sports as a kid, and most of us played team sports because our parents wanted us to because it was a thing for them. And we want to have this – want them to work hard, and we want them to learn these character things. And so the big question I want you to answer, number one, is why do you want your kid to do gymnastics? Why is that important? Honestly, gymnastics in itself is not important. I was very competitive. My husband was not. I gained a lot from the team aspect and the growing

and the discipline and all of that. My husband is not competitive at all. And he's very laid back. You said that with some disdain. Do you wish he was a little more competitive with life? Sometimes. Sometimes. All right. Sometimes I do. But sometimes he wishes I was a little more chill. So I guess it evens out. Okay. But for me, it's, she goes out there when she's at the practices and she does work and she gets proud of herself and she says, I want more mom. And then she goes to a meet and if she doesn't do well, it's like picking her up for four days after. But instead of like doing something about it, she just sits on the couch. So have you all helped her draw the link between practice and hard work and success and competition?

We have tried. We've had these conversations. Unfortunately, she's one of these girls who everything comes very easily to. And so she's like, well, if it doesn't just happen, then it's not supposed to happen. But we've had conversations about, do you want to continue? Do you want to stop? You know, it's your call. And every time she's like, yeah, I think so. And then we get there and she falls down and we say,

well, now's a great opportunity to learn and to grow. And she's like, maybe tomorrow. Gotcha. Okay. What do we do with it? So when you presented this to me, you had an ROI investment financially and an ROI investment in time. Yes. And I want you to take those off as anything to do with raising a young daughter. Okay. Okay?

So take those things off the table. Cost doesn't matter. Time is unlimited, right? Which we both know neither of those things are what would happen to the dynamic of your family if you took this summer off from gymnastics i think she would almost be lost um when it comes to what do I do now because it does take so much time. But I think eventually, after a while, it might become more relaxed because it's not the let's go. We've got to go. We've got to be here. You've got to be there. What does she, what gets her excited? What does she love?

She loves planning. I have no idea where she gets that from, by the way. None at all. I bet you already have a spreadsheet on how this is going to pay for college, don't you? Okay, so she loves planning. What does that look like? Yes. Well, she's mapping out her future and her plans and she's setting

up her goals and her stepping stones. How old is she? By this time. She's 11. She's 11. She's 11. She should not be mapping out her life strategies. I'm telling you, she's very, very like, I want to go here and then here and then here and then here. But you realize that she's using grown up words and none of that is real. None of it's real. I understand. And when her life is about fulfilling an ROI on time and money, that's how you have to formulate your existence when you're 11. Yes.

Has she ever heard, and I'm making you feel guilty here, and I'm sorry but not sorry, okay? Has she ever heard you guys say, hey, this takes a lot of time, or we're really busy, or this is really expensive. Are you sure you want to do this? We don't typically talk about the financial aspect of it, but she is 11 and she does. Sometimes they will hand her like a paper that says, you know, we're going to order

this Leo and it costs this much. Give this to mom and dad. She does see that. Okay. She also does hear that because a lot of the other parents will talk and then they talk and they come out in the lobby and then it's right there. So here's the, here's an, what I would think is an easy solution here. And I'm saying easy, not existential.

It'll be hard. It'll be hard for you because you feel there's a part of you that's going to feel like, if I don't keep my foot on the gas, my daughter's going to turn into my husband, who I love. But come on, he's got to go jogging, right? And if he would just do this, I could see so much potential in him. And he may not say it. There's got to be a part of your husband that's like, dude, I just want a daughter who can chill and laugh and just come on, man. And suddenly your daughter, whether y'all want her to or not is absorbing both messages

and she's becoming a proxy war for you two and the battlefield is gymnastics right and i'm speaking way over dramatic here okay your daughter knows that she loves you and knows that she wants you to go do these fun things but here's the thing i want you to come up with an alternative for her and see if you can talk her into it. Hey, what if this summer, we just took the summer off of gymnastics. You got to do a thing. Dream anything. What would it be? Girl scout.

I don't know what's cool. So I'm going to say things. You're such an out of touch idiot, father. But I don't know if it's girl scouts. Hey, daughter, this summer, you are responsible for planning the weekly schedule when we're at home i want to see a map of it you're going to plan the chore list you're going to plan the vacation we go on we're going to use your planning skills and we are going you're going to get to have a dynamic you're going to help with the family budget you're going to help with these

things or um two summer camps you get and if she comes back to you after a few days and says, I really, really want to do gymnastics, that's when you can have the hard conversation about, it doesn't feel like, it feels like you're opting out. And it feels like you don't want to do this. And we're getting to a point now where if you don't practice gymnastics, you can get hurt really bad. It's not like soccer, right?

Where, I mean, you're just running around the ball. You can can fall you can get hurt if you're not practicing hard right and when you're 12 that's when your coat like the people around you start growing into their bodies and they start getting good real fast right there's gonna be an escalation here and so let her feel the consequences of what you're telling us with your actions is that you're not really in. And that's super okay. And we love you. We want you to do something that brings you joy and happiness and peace, not feel like we just got to keep making you do this. And so let's take the summer off. Let's do this thing. Let's play soccer. You got to do a thing. You become the family planner for the summer. We're going to pay you a dollar a week. You're the new family planner.

You and your husband are going to have to figure out how to love each other again because suddenly you're not going to be driving all over the place. You're going to have money falling from the ceiling because you're not paying for all this stuff. But at the end of the day, I don't want you to feel like if you miss this one thing, it's over. It's out. It's done.

Okay? I want you to look at three different people in my family only. One, my parents knew I need this expression. I need this interaction. I need this accountability. I need this physical exertion because they knew me well. They let me drop something else. I got to drop baseball, but I had to keep doing this,

and it ended up being the right thing. And with my brother, they knew he's going to transition to music. This is just not his thing. He's coming home more defeated than he is coming home inspired. He doesn't watch football on the weekends. He's not checking the ESPN to see how the gymnasts are doing right. But man, he has a thing for music. And my brother's a prodigy. He practices his butt off and he's still to this day one of the most talented musicians I know. And then my wife,

who was a prodigy at basketball and it just wasn't for her. And she went to her parents and said, I've got to be out. And they said, we support you full on. And then she transitioned to cross country where she was pretty good. Wasn't the all-star, but she's pretty good.

She enjoyed it. And she's a lifelong runner now. And so this idea that an 11-year-old is projecting the track of their life, whoa, man, slow everybody down. Let your 11-year-old be 11. Let her play and be silly and have outdoor adventures and go for lazy walks with dad

and fun, routine-driven adventures with mom. And y'all figure these things out together, challenge her with taking the summer off. Let her exhale because the worst thing a kid can do is feel like they are enduring something so that their parents will be okay. And this may mean you and your husband are going to have to have some hard conversations about what do we actually want for her? What does she need? What does she not need? And your husband may have to give some.

She needs some more discipline. She's got to step up and learn that she can do hard things. And you guys are going to call it out when it happens. Hey, you're doing really hard things. You can do hard things. And you are going to have to slow down a little bit and know, you know what? If she decides, hey, gymnastics isn't for me, we've put a lot of money into this, and we learned a lot, and it was awesome.

And now we're going to try new experiences, and we love our baby girl, and she's going to be okay. And every parent out there, ask yourself this. Whose dream is this? Is this our dream, or is it our kid's dream? And I can tell you all the way up until law school, I would talk to students who said, I'm only here because my dad says this is what I got to do. 26-year-olds who were burdened by their dad's dreams or I've met with med students, I'm only

here because mom said I've got to be a doctor. A 25-year-old kid burdeneded with moms, you will do this. The best thing you can do for your kids is to have an instrument in the room and some balls in the room and some support with the room. Let them know they are tethered in and they can try things. And when you see that spark, come on, then you can lean on them. We are people who are accountable. We are people who show up for our teams. We are people who work real hard. And look at you. You can do hard things. Are you proud of yourself? Did you put out an effort on the track or on the pitch or on the football field that you're proud of?

Then I'm proud of your effort, right? I'm proud of your effort. I'm proud that you overcame. I'm proud that you stuck it out. Now you overcame. I'm proud that you stuck it out. Now you're talking. Now we're going to create a generation of kids who know how to work hard, who know when to say, hey, this one's not for me, who knows how to receive coaching and push through hard things, but also does not get their self-esteem from achievement. And I know I'm talking about a delicate balance here. I know,

I know, but that's what we're aiming for. And we're going to get some mess wrong, some mess right. I'm going to register for my kid for jujitsu this summer. I'm trading him baseball in the spring for jujitsu in the summer. He's not going to like it, but I want him to go through hard things. I want him to experience that struggle. And then at the end, I think he's going to overcome. I think he's going to begin to love it. But if he doesn't, I'm not going to get my identity through a 11 or 12-year-old jujitsu kid. I'm going to get my identity being a dad who loves his son.

All right. Thank you so much for your call, Angela. I love your heart and you want to get it right. There's a lot to this. After you have this conversation with your daughter, after you say, hey, let's take the summer off. Let's a lot to this. After you have this conversation with your daughter, after you say, hey, let's take the summer off. Let's do something else. You're going to be the house planner this summer. We're dedicating this summer to you. We're going to pay you for it. And we want you to join a summer camp or Girl Scouts. We want you to work at the local church, whatever that is.

Let me know how that conversation goes. I'd love to report back to our audience on this. All right, so as we wrap up today's show, man, off the 1995, this is one of my pop punk favorites. And last week we went with some kind of mushy songs. My metal friends think we're failing here. I even had a cold play in there.

We're back. Off the 1995 album, Out Come the Wolves. This is the most sing-along song on the record, so don't get all drama'd out, but it's Rancid's Ruby Soho, and it goes like this. Echoes of reggae coming through my bedroom wall, having a party up next door, but I'm sitting here all alone. It's all about loneliness, guys. Two lovers in the bedroom, and the other starts to shout, and all I got is this blank stare, and that don't carry no cloud at all. Destination unknown. Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby Soho. He's singing, and she's there to lend a hand. He's seen his name on the marquee, but she will never understand,

and once again, he's leaving, and she's there with a tear in her eye. Embraces with a warm gesture. It's time. Time to say goodbye. Destination unknown. Ruby, Ruby. Ruby, Ruby Soho. Check that song out.

You'll sing it all day long. The boys in Rancid. This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show. on his show.