The Dr. John Delony Show - Politics Destroyed My Relationship With My Brother

Episode Date: October 20, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: - A man wondering how to repair his family over politics - A mom wanting to fix her relationship with her son - A woman struggling with a sugar addiction Next Steps:  📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message.  📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life  📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch    Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.    Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My brother left me on red for about a week and then texted me this huge paragraph telling me that I discussed him. He actually accused me of being a Nazi because of who I voted for. Wow. Welcome to modern America, my brother. Yeah. I hate that for him. I hate that for you. I hate that for everybody. What up? What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls from all over planet Earth about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. I'd love to have you on the show. Go to John Deloney.com slash ask, ASK, and fill out the form and type whatever you want to type in there. short, short little statements or Kelly loved to read long, long, like journal entries.

But whatever you got going on, put it in there. And Kelly and the gang will get you on the show and we will pull up a seat together and figure out what's your next right move. Let's go out to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and talk to Ryan. What's up, Ryan? Hello. What's up, dude? this is insane i'm a huge fan well thanks man i need one i listen to you and i listen to dave all the time well that's my way to work that's right i'm out work yeah um so i'm calling because

uh well my brother uh we haven't talked in a little bit and uh a couple weeks ago i texted him to reach out telling him that we needed to uh get in touch and uh he left me on red for about a week and then texting me this huge paragraph back basically telling me that I discussed him and that he actually accused me of being a Nazi

because of who I voted for. Wow. Welcome to modern America, my brother. Yeah. Jesus. I hate that for him. I hate that for you. I hate that for everybody, man. Yeah.

Yeah. how long this is just a personal question how long has your relationship been iffy is it just this thing has it always been a little bit back and forth a little bit sketchy here and there well I feel like

ever since he decided to go up to college and I decided to stay at home and then after I graduated I got married we just haven't really been in touch because then he decided to start living up where his college is after he graduated and he lives there time now, which is like two hours away. So I like don't really get to see him. But it's never

been like this. Our, our relationship consisted of. I sent him a funny meme. We talk afterwards. And then we just don't talk for a couple of days. And then wash her ins repeat. And he just stopped responding to the stuff I've been sending him for a couple weeks. And then I texted him. And then he dumped all this on me. Yeah. So I, I, I'm, I'm, My opinion or my lived experience, if you will, sitting down with folks from all over the place, is evolving. And I thought for the last four or five years, especially since COVID, right, that COVID politics, voting for Democrat, voting Republican, voting super, super far left, super far right, super woke, super anti-woke, whatever. I thought those things were dividing up families and I mean it's it's it's at epidemic proportions the number of parents who've cut their kids off the number of adult children who've cut their parents off and vice versa right but now my opinion is evolving in that these things simply exposed really thin and already fractured or shallow relationships to begin with. with. And that's why just wondering, like, I guess it doesn't surprise me that your relationship

was mostly via text, mostly via funny memes and some back and forth, which is basically just like a kind of a head nod, right? When you're walking on a hallway of a high school and you see your buddies, you might shove one of your buddies or give them a hug or say what's up. But there's all those people that are just like in your class, you know, and you kind of just like flick your head up at them, you know, just raise an eyebrow to them. And I think that's actually. And I think that's actually the issue and then you get these moments of that feel like big severance but really they're just revealing how big the cracks actually were um man so how can i help i hate this for you dude i hate this for everybody um how can i help you man um i guess i'm just looking for what the next

right thing to do would be because after he sent me these texts i tried to tell them like i'll never let politics divide my family and then we had a phone call a couple days later and it also didn't end well because all he wanted to do was debate me on politics and I was just like, I don't want to have this conversation. Like, I want to talk to my brother

and see why he thinks this is more important than our family. Yeah. How old your brother? He's 24, and I'm 21 about to turn 22. Okay. I guess the,

the reality is is that everybody I know, everybody I know is anxious right now there's just chaos and uncertainty everywhere and and this isn't a political statement there is a sense of chaos and turmoil that allows leaders to kind of do what they want to do underneath the chaos and turmoil right it's kind of like a look over here and kind of waving the flag over here so that I can go do whatever it is I think I want do over on the other side right um i guess if there's any any sort of um piece i can give you is that at 24 years old i was literally the smartest person who ever lived ever i knew

everything at 24 and then at 28 i started to realize how much i didn't know which then made me double down on everything i know at 24 and then all of it came crumbling down at about 35 and I've been trying to crawl out of it all since right all that to say is um you saying I'm not going to let my family be divided over politics is important but it misses the big picture which is your brother will he does want to divide his family up over politics and I guess in a weird way I want to honor what he feels right now he thinks you're evil he thinks you're insane yeah and when somebody thinks you're evil somebody thinks you're insane um coming at them with facts and data often that the literature tells me that coming at somebody

with facts and data actually further entrenches them in their position so if somebody's very democrat or very republican and somebody sits down and says okay but here's the actual economic data that counters their argument or here's the actual accomplishments of either side here's the data it actually further entrenches them in their position

because their position was never about facts and figures it's about connection, it's about belonging it's about team, it's about tribe yeah right and so the only way I've ever seen anybody successful

in reuniting a relationship that way is number one to grieve the loss of your brother as he is right now. It's just heartbreaking, man. And that's the only thing you can control right here is your grief. Just be sad, I miss my brother.

He's my older brother, dude. And my older brother thinks I'm evil. And I don't think I am. No. And then following up with nothing more than connectivity. and what I mean by that here's like some simple things is to shoot him a text message

or even go one step further and write him a letter and put it in a mailbox but just let him know and make it short but just say hey I've had a couple of days a week or so

to reflect on our conversation I need you to hear me say I love you and I miss you and I'm glad you're my older brother and that be really the gist of it and maybe send him pictures of you and your wife sending pictures of you and your kids and let him stay unread because you can't control whether he reads them you can't control whether he writes you back long rambly

whatever's you can't you can't you can't impact any of that all you can impact is hey you have another tribe over here that's not given up on you yeah and that's it that's and there's something so powerless about this you know what I mean it feels so powerless um um um um um um um um um um um um um But I don't know any other thing to do in these moments. And if you, except to continue to offer all of branches and extensions of, I'm still here and I love you. And then I guess there's one other thing you can do, which is, man, I hate how we throw around the word Nazi here because it's just such an egregious, awful, evil,

and we just throw it around over here. And that just tells me people didn't pay attention in history class or our history classes were so washed over that we don't really know like true history. But it's to be reflective. Is there anything he has said to you in your arguments or whatever that you're like, you know what? He may have a point there. Or maybe I chose what I thought was the best of two bad options. Or maybe I am equally entrenched on my side. Is there moments of reflection?

I always love to go to the mirror when people are really upset with me or when they really don't like a stance I've taken on something and at least ask myself like, am I pretty firm on this? Am I right on this? But other than that,

there's not a lot you can do, which is so sad. I wish I had another word for it. It's just sad, man. What's your wife think about it all? Well, actually, I wanted to talk. about that um she's how you say she is the uh passionate one when it comes to defending her husband

and um whenever she heard about this she took it upon herself to send him a text message oh no no no don't do that yeah i love that hey i talk to her afterwards that's you got to ride or die dude and i love that oh i love somebody's mean to my wife i will learn what i did wrong in jail i get that. I get that sentiment. And also, it never makes anything better. It never makes anything better, right? It also didn't help the fact that we just found out she's pregnant. So, like, she's, her emotions are at an all-time high right now. Okay, Ryan, that's just between you and me. Never say that sentence out loud ever. Well, she's actually right beside me. No, I know. I know. I'm totally playing. I know. Yeah, pregnancy is a time. I love that she wants to defend you.

And we need more marriages like that. I love it. And it's easier, this is going to be hard to say, because this is the pot talking to the kettle here, it is easier to go out and hit somebody to lash out on a loved one's behalf than it is to hold their hand in deep grief and sadness. Yeah.

That emotional response that's beneath the physical, response is so hard and that's what we need to have right here is her to be able to put her hand on your arm and to hold your hand and y'all just be sad that big older brother a guy who could be a great cool uncle um is caught up in a tribe man and he is burning everybody down around him and my heart breaks for that guy because i've been that guy i've been that guy on multiple different issues and topics and it's exhausting and it's tiring and it's so so lonely because these things that we these hills that we die on are often um very very shallow and very hollow yeah right there's just so few william wallace moments in the world and media and politicians do an amazing job of

getting us to believe that every hill is a william wallace moment and they're just not right yeah so man i'm sorry dude but I think the double down here is on connection and on relationship and on hey I want to say thank you for letting me hear your heart and you're carrying a lot right now and you're my big older brother by the way you're about to be an uncle and just for whatever it's worth I love you and I'm glad you're my big big brother and it's cool to watch you be really passionate about. something and let that be it and what you want is in a year three years five years 10 years you want your brother to have a trail of his younger brother his new nephew his sister-in-law never giving up on him and for everybody out there I know how hard this is I know this from personal experience. The fights during COVID, the wars inside families over politics, blown up friendships,

blown up marriages, blown up parent-child relationships, all of it, man. I am there with everybody listening. And I'm telling you right now, in the ash of all of this, we're going to look around and A, we're going to realize how thin and fake these tribes were. These people don't care about us. They don't. They don't. But our brothers and sisters do, and they will.

Our friends will. Our church communities will. Our neighbors will if we will continue to stare down the flames of all this stuff and continue to say, I see you and I love you. and Ryan that's going to mean there's going to be some sad nights and some lonely nights one other thing I would recommend for you to do is to write your brother a long letter get it all out of your body and your system and in this letter there's three parts to it there's the hey I miss you there's the anger hey who do you think you are call me a Nazi dude

you want to talk about and and you can get all of your facts and figures and call out his stance and his side all that then the third one is and here's what I'm going to do i'm going to continue to love you you're my brother i'm going to continue to stand here amidst your your silence amidst your accusations and i'm going to be reflective and if i'm wrong if my positions need to change um awesome i'm going to be that kind of guy and also um whenever the smoke clears and the fires that are going on inside your heart and in your spirit and in your mind and in your soul I'm going to be right here. I'll never have left you.

And by the way, for everybody listening, the five most incredible words in the English language to me that denotes a wise person, the most, the sentence somebody can say that makes me go, I trust that person, and they are wise, is I changed my, mind that's four words so kelly maybe edit this out or don't that's cool she's just shaking her head

i changed my mind because why else would you listen to a podcast why else would you read books why else would you get new information have conversations with buddies why would you just read the same book over and over when you already know the ending we do those things so we can learn new things so we can go huh i was wrong i changed my mind the four most powerful wise words and so when somebody you love calls you out hard at least exhale for a second look in the mirror and say do they have a point are they right and if so i'm going to say those words i change my mind and then i'm going to go about doing the next right thing thanks for being brave and calling ryan you're not alone brother millions of americans millions and millions

of families are in the same as you're in dude and i wouldn't wish it on anybody I'm in it too. I'm in it too. But I'm grateful for you. And dude, A, hug your wife tight because you've got to ride or die. And also, yeah, don't blow each other's family up via text. We come back.

A woman asks how to fix her relationship with her son who rejects her new partner. All right, I've been telling you about cozy earth's bamboo sheets and their pajamas and their towel sets for a long time now. They give you that kind of comfort that makes coming home from a long day out in the wild or a long day at a chaotic workplace, a reason to exhale and celebrate. And now as the weather's getting cooler, cozy earth is introducing soft wash cotton sheets. I love them. And I love sleeping on cotton sheets in the fall in the winter.

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real quick hit the subscribe button wherever you listen to it on podcast hit the subscribe button it makes such a huge difference across the board it's got to hartford connecticut and talk to daisy what up daisy yes how are you lady i'm well how are you today dr john i'm doing oh just call me john that's what my mom and amy i'm doing great i'm doing great what's up good well i hope you can help me with a conflict that's in my life i'll do my best what's going on all right my son totally rejects the partner who I'm with and who I've been with for the last

couple years. He wants nothing to do with him. And I've written letters. I've talked to him face to face. I beg, pleaded, and cried to say, would you please get to know him? You have a preconceived

notion of who he is and he's not that person. How old is your son? He's 30. Just got married a month ago. Okay. How, um, where's, where's your son's dad, birth dad? Uh, in Florida.

Okay. Tell me about that relationship. Uh, well, we, we were divorced about 15 years ago. I've been with, um, another person, um, after our divorce, probably about, uh, for about nine years. And here's where the conflict comes in. Um, the person that I was with. happens to be my new partner's best friend or was my new partner's best friend and all my son knows is what a crumb you don't do that to a friend however he won't listen to the story that this person my i guess my um ex-boyfriend um cheated on me in the house that he was living in which was my house um at a remote location hmm man

So your boy has just watched Mama get hurt over and over again, hasn't he? Well, yes, I guess. But we used to be very, very tight. And now that he's married, I've sidestepped away because his wife is his number one person in his life. And I understand that. But I've zigged and zagged trying to have a relationship. And my partner now feels a concern. extremely disrespected because there are no consequences for his rude behavior.

I don't want to lose him. I mean, my impulse here, and it may be wrong, my impulse here is that your new partner doesn't get a vote in your relationship with your adult son. What kind of rude behavior are we talking about here? Um, he'll, he'll, he needed his birth certificate for a marriage license. I said, well, um, I'll call him, um, Dan. Dan, come on over. But, uh, uh, Dave is here. And, um, he goes, okay. He, Dave gets up to shake, um, Dan's hand. And, um, and he just walks right away. but yet I will give him his birth certificate and there are no consequences and I was steaming when that happened obviously and talked to him afterwards

and he just shuts me down and he's 30 years old what kind of consequences are you going to spank him like what kind of consequences are you thinking of consequences as oh well I'll do anything for him such as he just as I said just got married? Was there a bank roll for that? Absolutely. Um, and my partner was not invited to the

wedding. And he felt very dissed over that. And he, um, my son just wanted his parents there. And, um, he, he felt very, um, excluded. Yeah, tell him to get over himself, to be honest. I mean, I, I, here's the thing. The, the, the, the problem here is, is your, your relationship with your son, not your new boyfriend's feelings. Is your new boyfriend 50, 55? How old is he? 55. Yeah, dude. I mean, I would want there to be some big happily ever after moment, leave it to Beaver moment. And I would be sad about that if I was him.

And also, I would understand this guy's been through a lot. He's got to know me. And right now he's not interested in getting to know me. but walking around being butt hurt like i should have got invited to fair fine but i mean for real i don't know dude i i'm way more worried about you and your son's relationship okay and you have to ask yourself the question a is my son's relationship me and my son is our relationship together is it worth um let me put it this way is my relationship with this new boyfriend is it worth severing ties with my son or can you and your new boyfriend have a grown-up conversation that says yeah he's struggling a lot he saw my first marriage with his birth dad go south he rallied and

tried to connect with this other guys with for a decade and it's just kind of out on it all right now and y'all can do that or you can talk about yeah consequences whatever and by the way you don't have to bankroll stuff you don't have to do these things you got to give him his birth certificate right but other than that like you don't have to pay for stuff and so that's you asking yourself these questions mm-hmm i want i want i want to i want i and you know with the the pending possibility of grandchildren in the future i don't want i want to be in those kids life and And I want to be in his life. For an example, I went to brunch with him on Saturday and his wife.

And I had a real nice time. Got home and basically got, and he knew about it. I told him I was going. And it was as though I was being punished for having that relationship. Because, oh, thanks for the invite. I'm like, of course you're not going to get an invitation. This boyfriend's a baby. Tell him to get over himself.

Okay. like he should be really happy that his mom has relationship with her adult son and should be sad that he's not included but go watch a football game dude go for a jog you know what I mean and here's a thing right if he's fully invested in you then he's going to want you to have a close connected relationship with your children period because they come first second he has to know man first dad 15 years second stepdad nine years i've got to prove over time that i'm all in on this 30 year old man's mother i'm going to love her i'm going to honor her i'm not going to get my feelings hurt i'll be pissed off fine i'll be mad fine but i don't know this kid

and I am, when she, when my girlfriend goes and has a nice brunch with her new daughter-in-law and her son, I'd be happy for them. Good for them. You get what I'm saying? No, I hear what you're saying. And you know what? His reaction to this, it's like he should come first. He should always come first, a relationship between two people, you don't break that.

bond, but the bond is, is, I can't stop loving my kids, you know, it's, no. And anyone who marries somebody who has children knows those kids are really important. Very important. And just crossing your arms and going, hmm, I'm taking my ball and going home. And a good, like, here's the thing. I applaud your, your new boyfriend. I applaud him for trying to shake his hand. I applaud him for trying to reach out. That's the right mature thing to do. But your 30-year-old's not 12. He's 30. And so now you have a relationship between two strangers, two grown men, one of which is hooking up with my mom. Right? And so there's going to be some delicate balance to that. Now, if your son was on the phone, I would probably tell him to get over himself. But he's not,

right he's not um and i guess if if anybody else i want to tell you you're not crazy for continuing to love your son and going to breakfast with i'm proud of you for that thank you i'm proud of you for getting to know this new daughter-in-law i'm proud of your son for not cutting you off and just as a guy i'm i'm kind of with your son you don't you don't date your best friends i don't care how long long, right? You just don't do that. But, I mean, that's an old guy code, and that's just ego and whatever. But I don't know. I have a little bit of recessing.

We were great friends before, I mean, nothing inappropriate. I know, I know, I know. I'm just acting like a fifth grader right now. I'm just acting like recess, right, in the old days. I don't think they have recess anymore, but back in the old days when they let us get out of the classroom every once in a while. Like, there's just a code on the schoolyard, right? You just don't do that. But I get it. And I'm asking everybody to be mature.

But at the end of the day, I don't think the problem right now is your 30-year-old son. I just don't. I think he drew a boundary and said, Mom, I love you. And I want to be in your life. And I want you in my life. I want you in my new marriage. I want you with my grandkids when they come along. I don't want this other man in my life right now.

Right. And if you think that it will ever smooth over and over time, Well, I mean, at 30 years old, you know everything, you know, you know. Of course you do. You know how smart I was at 30? That's the smartest guy who ever lived. The only person smarter than me at 30 was me at 25. Mm-hmm.

And the only smarter guy than that was me at 22. I knew everything at 22. Right? Absolutely. So I think the older I'm getting the dumber I'm realizing I actually am. But like, here's the, if your, if your new boyfriend wants, a relationship with him it's going to come slow it's going to come over time and it's going to come through emotional maturity okay and that means he has to recognize i am number three

in a long line of men who have hurt this young man's mom and i understand that and i wish i was included I wish I was a part of this stuff, but I'm not right now. So his relationship is not with this 30-year-old. It's with you. And so if this is important to you, which it should be, he should celebrate that. You having a great breakfast with your son is not some zero. It doesn't take anything away from him. He needs to be happy that his girlfriend is happy.

Thank you. Is that fair? Good words. Those are good words. Okay. And he gets to be sad, too. I would be bummed out. I don't, I'm such a people pleaser.

I don't like it when anyone doesn't like me. Much less this woman's, like, family. I would get that. I get that. He gets to be sad. But he doesn't take it on you. He doesn't take it out on this 30-year-old man. Right?

Absolutely. And it's difficult in the sense that his two sons, which are the same age as my two sons, um have embraced me great so it makes it even it makes it harder for me or more embarrassing or no you know you don't need to own any of it don't own any of it because you can't own any of it because none of it's about you mm-hmm you choosing to be embarrassed over this um is a choice to be it's a strange thing to say but it's a choice to be miserable in the present his two boys have embraced you awesome your son's not there yet awesome it is what it is

what it is. And if both of you all sit around wishing reality was different than it is, you're just choosing to be miserable together on the couch. Right. Life's too short, man. Right. You can grieve it. You can be sad about it.

You as this young man's mother can say, can I say two kind things that this man did for me recently? and your son may say I don't want to hear it or he might go go you get two things go and you just say it and then that's it but if you're always calling your 30 year old son saying he's really

heartbroken that you didn't invite him or I think you should then your son's your son's walls his boundaries are going to get thicker and taller and more reinforced the softening will happen when he sees

this story I've made up about this man isn't totally true the story i've made up about this man um is is has some cracks in it and this man loves my mom and this man supports her joy and right now her main source of joy is her son his new marriage and one day being a grandparent and that's just grownups acting like grownups period so thanks for the call sister i i wish it was different but it's not and i think choosing to live in reality and then choosing to be emotionally mature is the path forward thank you so much for the call sister we come back a woman asks how to break her addiction to sugar yikes we talk a lot on this show about boundaries things like emotional boundaries relational boundaries relational boundaries

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permission. Delete Me tracks down your information and they remove it and every few months they send you a report showing you exactly what they've done. Taking control of your digital life is about boundaries and boundaries are about peace. So go to join delete me.com slash deloney and use code deloney to get 20% off. That's join, J-O-I-N, join delete me.com slash deloney to save 20% off. All right, let's go about five hours south of Nashville to Huntsville, Alabama and talk to Jasmine. What's up, Jasmine? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm doing awesome. How about you? Just vibing. Just vibing.

What's up? So I have sort of self-diagnosed myself with... Oh, hey, just starting this conversation that way is so great. Thank you, thank you. I love it. So I've self-diagnosed myself with an addiction to sugar, which I've probably had for a while, but it hasn't really bothered me until recently. So my question is, what do I need to, like,

really like understand to like finally like break the habit you know because logically I like understand that I should not be eating like sugary chocolatey snacks after like every time I eat why not but I because oh so many reasons it like I makes my blood sugar crash I feel bad afterwards type like diabetes runs in my family like so many reasons that I know I should not be eating it after like every single time, but I do it. Is it delicious? Oh, it's so good. Oh, man.

There's so much here, and you're talking to a fellow addict. I'm not self-diagnosed. I'm for real. I think the first thing I want to address here is the story you've made. made up about addiction okay and underneath that story this compulsion this this insatiable feeling whenever we label it an addiction it's a strange thing but it gives us an extra tiny sliver of permission like i can't help it or i have a thing and so i want to move that aside for a minute Now, addiction is very, very real.

Make no mistake, right? Make no mistake. I've sat with people who are in recovery for my whole career. I get that. But I want to get to the story beneath it. What does a delicious... What's your drug of choice? Mine is gummy candy.

Actually, mine is anything. There were Oreos on the counter last night, and I just crushed some. What is your drug of choice? I mean, I love, like, anything, chocolate-y, like, brown butter brownies, chocolate chip cookies, chocolate covered anything, like all day. Okay. And are you struggling with your weight? No, I'm definitely not struggling with my weight. I'm, I work out three times a week. I'm like active. I walk every day. Like, health-wise, I'm doing good. So why is this a story you've chosen to tell yourself? You're fit, you're healthy.

You're doing well. You're in no, absolutely no, you have no chance of getting diabetes other than spending a ton of time on social media and listening to nonsensical, uninformed, dangerous influencer after influencer after influencers saying white sugar is the worst. And if you struggle, all that nonsense. It's the most compelling data from the top scientists in the space, not influencers, but scientists, have convinced me, and this is going to get me electrocuted via the internets, that there really is no bad food. What gets bad is when we start beating ourselves up

and starting to get into our lovability, our self-worth, our um we make up stories about negative stories about ourselves that become part of our identity and then we start saying things like i can't and i'm addicted i'm hooked i can't stop which starts a cascade of behaviors that to cover up that feeling of shame and sadness and exhaustion and frustration you know what makes that go away more junk food right yes and it just gets into the cycle, right? So have you struggled with disordered eating in the past?

No, I mean, not at all. I think what gets me, though, is I'll, like, look, like, you know, I'm at the grocery store, I'll buy it and I say, I'm going to make this last until

for this amount of days, this amount of weeks. And then when it doesn't, I'm like, I have no willpower like over myself and it's sort of I'm like I don't like that feeling that's so awesome

you and me are exactly the same this is so great so this is what we do we surround ourselves with really really sharp knives all around our bodies our face our heads and we put them like one inch from our face

and then we sneeze and we stab ourselves and we blame ourselves for having for sneezing right yeah the ecosystem has been the challenge right so it like and i'm i'm poking at you but i'm also being very serious i think the biggest issue here is the story you've told yourself which is you're weak you have a character defect you're don't care about your body you don't care about your health you're less than somehow and that is influencer drivel nonsense Okay. Sounds like you're taking care of your health and you want to have some candy or a delicious butter or whatever super atomic brownie. Great. Okay. When it becomes detrimental, the true definition of addiction is a behavior that has a known detrimental cost and we continue to do it anyway. It's a compulsion towards.

a reward a treat something delicious isn't an addiction now where you run into bigger issues is if you have relationship challenges if you have um spiritual challenges if you've got other health issues if you've got fears or anxieties about money about work about any bigger topic things everything can become a Xanax okay and so for me i i don't have a clinical and i'm going back on what i said here my clinical diagnostics are different i do struggle with anxiety and i do i am clinically diagnosed oCD like i've got some of these things that when i get uncomfortable if i surround myself with any number of things i'm going to reach there and grab it and that will let me avoid doing the thing that i need to do okay okay

So here's, if you actually want to stop eating sugar, which I'm not recommending, but if you want to stop doing a, um, trying to think of the right word, if you want to stop avoiding hard things in your life or uncomfortable moments in your life. And your drug of choice right now is sugar. Sometimes for me it's work. Sometimes for me it's actually exercise. Sometimes for me it is junk food. Sometimes it, for me, it is silence and what, it can be any number of things for all of us, okay? there's three things you can do okay and these are you can do them together you can do them in individuals but this is just kind of the order of importance here okay the first thing you can do is clear your environment out if you don't have junk food in your house you won't eat it and so the actual triggering event is at the grocery store not in your house okay and so my one of my rules of thumb is I don't ever fall off the wagon I will park the wagon climb off of it and roll around in the mud for a while and they get back on the wagon okay but demonizing Oreos demonizing brownies as though there's some kind of evil thing

it just sets up and I could get all nerdy but I won't it sets up a for lack of better words I know there's a clinical thing, but it sets up a compulsion, right? Yeah. You can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, versus I get to, I get to, I get to. I get all this delicious, awesome food here. Man, I'm really feeling nervous about my money situation. I'm going to sit down and look at the actual reality of my money. I'm going to actually sit down and look at my budget.

I haven't slept because I've been scrolling two hours before bed for the last four years. I'm going to get the phone out of my, you see what I'm saying? it's these upriver behaviors and if the junk food's not there then you can't just mindlessly go after it okay so that's number one number two is look for the triggering event what is that thing so do you know that when do you find yourself grabbing it more and more when you're tired when you're frustrated when you're lonely what what when do you do it oh what i'm applying for jobs oh tell me about that i've been unemployed i think for a month and two days at this point, and I've, you know, I've worked since I was 15. So it's,

I am in a good financial position, you know, I'm not worried about money at all. But it's the fact that I don't have a job right now, I think. Are you finding yourself increasingly grabbing more and more junk food? Oh, yes, because I'm, I'm home all day. Okay. Okay. So do you see how the problem here isn't your lack of willpower and your weakness in this evil food. The challenge is, is the alarms in your body are starting to sound. Hey, what's our purpose? We're just, we have a lot of unintentional time on our hands now. You might say, I'm not worried about money at all, but there's a little tiny engine

somewhere in the back of your brain that's like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, this is one month, this is two months and then you start scrolling a little bit more and it's like the economy's collapsing the dollar's going right and it's just like hey right yeah and you know what makes all that go away another brownie it just does it's so good too it's so good it's so good right and so the bigger challenges for me are what if you went and found a just a regular old run-of-the-mill four hour a day job part-time job Starbucks, Walmart, Burger King, I don't care. And you might say that's beneath me, I'm an attorney, I've got the,

I'm suggesting to go do a thing to keep your body active and movement and aimed towards some tiny little purpose. Okay. The second thing is, is begin the night before on a note card. You don't need a fancy app, but a note card that just says, here's what I'm going to do tomorrow. And commit to one thing. I will keep my promise to myself about tomorrow.

I'm going to get up at this time. I'm going to exercise. I won't touch my phone until 9 o'clock in the morning. I will apply for three jobs or five jobs or 10 jobs. And then I will turn off the screens and I will go for a walk. I'll go to a soup kitchen and work for two hours. I'm going to go walk a dog. I'm going to go work four hours at, you get what I'm saying?

It's about refilling that unintentional time with intention. Right. and none of that, none of that is as fun or as easy as just grab another brownie. It's just not. All the things I'm telling you are awful and miserable, okay? Yeah. Here's the next thing. This is this called the smallest tiny action.

I got this from Michael Easter, and it's been magic in my own life. Okay? For you, the smallest tiny action is not putting it in the grocery store. I mean, not putting it in your basket in the grocery store. it's making a rule i don't go into inside into the gas station i don't go in the door and that way you take away it's kind of like when you're if you're like a true alcoholic you can't go to bars anymore right yeah and so what's the smallest tiny action here is a couple in my life when my alarm goes off in the morning i have to get up i have to get up right then i have to put both feet on

the floor otherwise i will sit there i'll grab my phone i'll check the astro score they lose all the time i will then check the ranger score they lose more so i'm happy and then i will find myself an literally an hour later down some weird rabbit hole and so my rule is when the alarm goes off i have to put my feet on the floor and stand up and get out of my bed and for whatever reason that starts a positive cascade towards all the things that i said i was going to do that day but saying I'm not going to scroll and I'm not going to do this and I'm not going to man that is a lot willpower is finite like that's a lot of of that's a crummy way to start a day other than my alarm goes off I'm going to get up and then here's the last one this is from the

great Anna Lemke she's she's the addiction guru at a Stanford medical school she's a if you want to read an amazing book read dopamine nation it's one of the best books of the last decade um if you're a if you're a nerd like me it's a masterpiece of a book and it does start the book starts with a long chapter on masturbation so some people get stuck in it they're like what but but read the book it's it's just world class it's amazing um but she recommends a white knuckle 30 day fast don't do it for 30 days don't try to make peace with it don't try to make peace with that don't try to have it in the cabinet but only get it after four o'clock go 30 days with nothing and whether that's a rubber band that you pop whether it's a keeping a small journal

next to you i got mine right down here look at this if you're watching this on youtube i literally have it right here i'm carrying it right next to it's right on the floor in the studio right by my feet um but it's i make little tally marks in it here's a behavior i wanted to do and I'm not doing it. I felt it, but I'm not going to do it. And it's a way to acknowledge to my body, oh, you want to do a thing, but we're not going to do that for 30 days. And what you will find over 30 days is the craving incredibly subsides. Can you get addicted to sugar? Probably yes.

I think more so you get addicted to the numbing behavior. but I don't want to it's just it's an academic discussion it's a thing in your life that you wish was different cool but I'm way more concerned with the stories you tell yourself I think in the long run that's more damaging than the brownie walking around feeling like I'm not enough I'm not good I'm not worth it I'm a failure can't even go 30 days without whatever the story you want to tell yourself is and in a weird way when you you change your story about yourself i get to i get to feel great today i get to have a healthy breakfast today i get to go to the gym today some of these numbing behaviors kind of just roll off

or when you find yourself with three extra hours a night because you've committed i got i leave my phone in the car or i just deleted all social media apps off my phone right now except for lincoln i'm looking for a job then you realize oh my gosh i don't have anything going on i'm to call a friend. I'm going to go hang out with some people. I'm going to go grab some chips in the queso. I'm going to go hang out with some, like whatever. You start to fill your life up with things that actually make your body feel whole, feel good. And man, you just don't feel that same burning desire to just hammer an entire pizza. And if you do hammer a pizza, do it with intention. Do it a smile on your face and get up the next day and get back after it.

In all, you're worth being loved and you're worth telling yourself good stories. and you're worth doing the work to do the next right thing. Look for the smallest tiny action as far up river as possible and pay special attention to the triggering events. And every once in a while, just crush a good brownie. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, here's the truth.

I have great friends. I've got a strong faith and I have an amazing wife and a family. I'm also kind of a nerd, and I got two PhDs worth of information. about how to be well and whole, right? And yet, there have been critically important times in my life, several of these times over the years that I've had to go spend time with a great therapist and that time with a therapist has made all the difference for me and my emotional health, my mental health, and my relationships. The right therapist can change everything. And this month, my friends at Better Help are shining the spotlight on the therapists. These are the

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Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloni to get 10% off your first month. That's a BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloni. All right, Kelly, something awesome happened. What is it? All right. So you may remember back in 2023, we had a call from Elizabeth in Roanoke, Virginia. She was the one that was addicted to pot. Oh, yeah. And she was doing her 30 days. You asked her to do 30 days and 60 days. So she sent in an update. We haven't heard from her in about a year. So last time we heard from her, she'd had a baby girl. Well, she emailed and she said, since the last email I sent you in 2023 to share the arrival of my gorgeous daughter. I've also added an adorable son. Yep. I have remained sober since I quit after talking to Dr. Deloney, and it's been the best thing I ever did. Stopping using marijuana has opened up my life to being a mother, which, although very exhausting with two under two and a half, has brought me the most immense joy and satisfaction. My tolerance

for frustration has skyrocketed, and my depression has basically disappeared. I can't believe how far I've come in the last three years, and it's all because of the leap of faith I took to believe that sobriety was better than using. Yeah, dude, congratulations. Ah, Elizabeth's awesome, dude. Yeah, and she sent a picture. She asked us not to use it. Sure.

But they're adorable. That's amazing. Absolutely adorable. Dude, that's so cool. Congratulations. If you are struggling with addiction, go see somebody, go talk to somebody. And some things like alcohol, if you've been struggled for a long, long time, you just go cold turkey, it can be really not good for you. health-wise, you can kill you.

So sit with somebody, talk to somebody. But if you're struggling with marijuana, you're struggling with sugar, like the last call, whatever, man, taking those 30-day fast, those 60-day fast, and beginning to feel feelings, enjoy and pain around the same switch, beginning to feel the good stuff and feel the discomfort and the anxiousness and begin to backfill that with habits you're worth having, like going for a walk, like exercising, like laughter, like creating kids. That's a fun distraction. doing awesome things, man.

What a great, great letter. Thanks for sharing that one, Kelly. That one's good. Elizabeth, I'm proudy. We're all proudy. Everybody, love well and go do the next right thing. Talk to you soon.