The Dr. John Delony Show - Putting Down Your Bricks

Episode Date: June 28, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU Let us know what you think about the show! Take the survey: https://survey.alchemer.com/s3/6398972/5d46580e08c4   Show Notes for this Episode   John talks about the idea of "bricks in your backpack" and defines trauma. Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma - Dr. Peter A. Levine The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma - Bessel van der Kolk M.D. John talks to a caller who wants to know how he can practically put down his bricks. Lyrics of the Day: "Another Brick in the Wall Pt. 3" - Pink Floyd   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: trauma/PTSD, counseling/therapy   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.`

On today's show, we have a special show where we talk about trauma and how to heal from trauma. We take one call from a gentleman who was in the audience of a presentation I gave recently who wanted some specific information on how to take the bricks out of his backpack. Special show. Stay tuned. pack special show stay tuned hey what's up this is john with the dr john deloney show i hope you're doing well and you are taking care of those that you love and those that love you are helping take care of you on this show we talk about mental health relationships laughter and joy and sadness and everything in between and look we've got a loaded audience out there today of four one four it's incredible to see you guys man five we got a fifth one over there that's watching over james

and kelly's shoulder to make sure they're doing their jobs. Sir, they are. They're the two best in the business, in the B-I-Z, as they say. They're awesome. Hey, thank y'all for being here. And we are glad that everyone's here. Kelly, James, y'all doing well? Yes, sir, doing great.

Yep, doing well. Sir, huh? Is that where we're at? I was feeling polite today. I appreciate that. Made me feel like I'm back at a real job. That that was awesome i'm not gonna do that sorry you're not and i wouldn't ever expect it i think something's wrong if you said that that would be weird hey okay so today we've got a different a different kind of show um actually first before we

i tell you about the what kind of show we're do today, if you want to be on this show, we take calls about real things going on in real people's lives, and we walk alongside you. And so give me a call at 1-844-693-3291 and leave a message, and Kelly will listen to those messages and get back in touch with you and set you up to be on the show. Or you can go to AskJohn at RamseySolutions.com. Go to JohnDeloney.com slash show, and you can fill out the form. And we would really love to talk with you. And we get calls from all over the world about all different sorts of things, things that I thought I'd seen at all, and I have not. So it is fantastic, and we are learning as we go.

So 1-844-693-3291. So today is a special show. A few weeks ago, I went with a crew to Dallas to speak at a large event. There was a couple, 2,000 or 3,000 folks there. And, man, it was cool. It was Patrick Lencioni and Jocko and a former president. There was a number of folks there. It was just a really remarkable event. And I gave a talk about dealing with trauma. And the analogy I use for trauma, you've heard me use it on the show a lot, is this idea that we carry around bricks in our backpack. And after the talk, I was really floored with the response. It was something that I wasn't expecting. I feel pretty good about public speaking, but it was nothing like what I was expecting. And overwhelmingly positive. And

folks began writing in and calling in and asking, okay, so what do I do with these bricks? How do I deal with that? So what we want to do today was we've got a call that we'll get to here in a little bit, but I wanted to back out and just walk folks through my thought process and how I've lived some of this out of my own life. And really, man, I've just worked with hundreds of people, thousands probably, on their trauma, on the bricks in the backpack. How did they get to a place where they can make the next right decision, right? So here's me backing all the way up. In high school, I think I was a freshman, there was this big camp, summer camp that I went to every year.

And at this summer camp, there was a talent show. And there's probably a thousand kids at this camp. And then you had adults in camp. So put yourself in this auditorium. It's completely packed. It's not like a school cafeteria auditorium, but it's a big, giant auditorium. And lights, the sound system, the whole thing. And I'm sitting up on a chair and I sang a song that I wrote. And it was just a silly song about, I don't know, dating and girls and whatever. So I sing this song. It's a big hit, and everything goes great. And the big selling point was I wrote this song, right?

I didn't. What actually happened was a couple weeks before camp, there was this live recording that I had heard. It was like a bootleg of a Pearl Jam concert. I was listening to it with a couple of my buddies who were in my high school rock band. We were incredible, by the way. We were not, but we were awesome. We were listening to this.

It was awesome. We talked back and forth. They played this new song. I just remembered how catchy the hook of this song was, the chorus was. And at that point, I'd been playing guitar for a long time and you can pick a chord progression out of the air and you just learn the melodies real quick. And so I took this really catchy chorus and I attached it to some cheesy words. And I told everybody I wrote this song. And it was all well and good until those idiots in Pearl Jam decided to, quote unquote, release the song in the fall.

Suddenly, I got letters as a 14-year-old from all over the country about, wow, you're a writer for Pearl Jam. How cool. How did you get that gig? How did they find out about your song that you sing at church camp? How, how did that happen? That's so great. And then one guy just wrote a letter and he just said, dude, I think you're a liar. And he was pretty much hit the nail on the head there. Right. So I was 14 and straight up busted. So next year I go back to this church camp and it's kind of the buzz like, wow, dude, what a loser.

And then you got to come up with, I came up with all these excuses and tried to wiggle my way out of it. Right. But it was a mess. And if I back up before that, in fourth grade, I was playing tag with a girl I had a crush on. Can I say their name? There's a lot of people listening to this now. We have far exceeded our 19 listeners. So there's this girl I had in fourth grade. Her name was Rhonda. I won't say her last name, but man, I was in love with her. And we were playing tag or something after school in the cafeteria. And so what you do when you like somebody in your fourth grade, right, is you play tag and you push and shove and be silly. And anyway, man, we were, I was sprinting after her and she made a turn or started to make

a turn right by the wall. And I went to, to, to tag her and I pushed her a little bit. And I tell you what, I remember, I've seen a lot of trauma, just worked with a lot of traumatic crisis situations. I remember her scream as she smashed up against that wall. She broke both wrists in that. And her scream is lodged into my soul. I remember it. I'll never forget it. And for weeks, I guess months afterwards, she had both arms were in a

cast and it turned into this, we're just playing, having fun. And it got real serious, real fast. Right. Another one in high school, my senior year, I dropped the baton and I was the anchor of the mile relay in the district track meet. And we lost by one point. And that was the first loss in 10 years. It was about to do the decade sweep, and I dropped it. And that's still to this day, right? So even thinking up to like a few weeks ago, a few months ago, my son, it was just, hey, Dad, hey, Dad, hey, Dad, hey, Dad. And I was doing something, trying to fix the mower, some Dad thing,

and hey, Dad, hey, Dad, hey, Dad. And I finally just turned and said, what? Will you just stop for a second? So I was doing something, trying to fix the mower, some dad thing. And hey, dad, hey, dad, hey, dad. And I finally just turned and said, what? Will you just stop for a second? Right? So I was loud. And then his eyes get big because I don't usually raise my voice and I don't usually snap like that. And he backed up and said, hey, sorry, sorry, dad.

Sorry, dad. And then, of course, I was like, man, what an idiot to myself, right? So I tell you those stories, right? Because my life's been this circus of bad decisions and crazy situations and wild stories. And that doesn't include, I mean, that's the ones we can tell in the podcast, right? The ones that the statute of limitations has run out on. But there was times, you know, I lied about stuff and stole things and didn't have discipline. I cut corners and blamed other people.

Man, I used to lie and steal all the time as a kid. It's one of those things that haunts me as an adult. And then there's times that I came through in the clutch and turned my life around, and then times I didn't come through the clutch, right? So it's times when you get the big job, and then times when you don't get the big job, and it goes to somebody else,

and you quit a job, and you wish you could have that job back. We all have these stories, right? It's childhood mayhem and accidents, and then it goes to things your dad said that still rattle around in your head, right? Or the way, like after the first time you kiss somebody and you back up and you look at them in the eyes and you know, that was a terrible kiss. Or you look him in the eye and think, that was incredible, right? Or the first time your mom slammed the cabinets in anger, or first time you were abused by someone who loved you,

or the first time you backed your car into something, the first time your checking account goes into the red, right? It's all of these moments. I remember the time I turned in a multimillion-dollar pro forma for a residence hall to a college president. And he told me to put together an amortization schedule for the debt service against this large residence hall. And so I put together on a Word document and I highlighted words and I changed the fonts. There's probably some comic sans in there. And I'll never forget handing it to him in a big fancy meeting. In his face, it looked like I just handed him a plate of diarrhea.

That's what his face looked like. Just, it was like, it wasn't even shame. It was like, what am I looking at? Did you hand me like a multimillion dollar performer on a, did you write a story? Is this a poem? And I just remember feeling so ashamed that I went and hired a senior in college to come teach me Excel alone. I told him this is like a big secret, right? So you have these moments, right? And man, it all comes back to these stories, right? These stories, these stories, and they become a part of us. And so when I meet with folks, even as late as this

past weekend, there's a couple came out to work on their marriage or stay in their us. And so when I meet with folks, even as late as this past weekend, there's a couple came out to work on their marriage or stand at our house. And it never ceases to amaze me how these stories, especially these ones from childhood, follow us around. They follow us around forever, right? Because here's what happened. Those stories I told you, when you're 14, of course, you tell big stories. And I just happened to be on a stage and it became a real big one, right? Or playing as a nine-year-old, right? These things happen. That's just life.

But what we don't often realize is how long, and I'm talking about I'm many, many, many decades later, that I still carry around this tag that I'm a liar, right? Or I still carry around this notion that if you screw around, a kid is going to get hurt really, really bad, and it's going to be your fault, right? I still lodged in there. Or when the game is on the line, if Deloney's fourth leg, he's probably going to screw something up, right?

And that is translated into my marriage, into business, into parenting. Right? And, of course, you know, you snap at your kid. The logical conclusion is because you suck at being a dad. Right? You're just a crappy dad. And these stories hang around, and I feel them in my body, in the present time, even though they haven't happened for years. Right? I am comically, obnoxiously, I used to steal a lot as a kid. I'll drive an hour out of the way to take a quarterback. Like if somebody overpays me, I'm so obnoxious about it now.

I'm pathological about truth-telling. I'm obsessive about it. I am obsessive about making sure kids have fun, but let's all do it. It's just become a part of us, right? But it's these stories we're born into, these stories that we were told, these stories that we tell ourselves and other people, right? And then the actual things that actually happened, right? And so some of these stories are things we're born into. Poverty, right? We were born into violence.

You're born into abuse. You're born into sexualization. You're born into race, culture, gender, sexuality. Some of these things you're born, abuse you're born into sexualization you're born into race culture gender sexuality some of these things you're born and it's just the the narrative the air that the culture around you is breathing nothing you did or didn't do it just is what you were launched into earth with right into life and then there's these um some and some of them are good right that you were launched in and things are going to work out for you you got two parents who loved you and you are connected and you got one parent that loved you and you've got people sacrificing on your behalf and, and, and people looking you in the eye and telling you, you're

a person of value. You're going to do really great things one day and we're going to support you and care for you, right? So it's whatever these stories that you were born into. And then you've got these stories that you were told, right? The ones that, that you were told, right? The ones that you were told, oh man, like you would really be attractive if your teeth weren't so weird, right? Or you would be the best looking guy in the world if you didn't have so much acne. If you could just fix your skin, oh my gosh, it'd be so hot.

Or, or, or, right? And then that's not to mention the stories that Instagram tells you about what attraction looks like and how much sex you should be having and that it's fewer abuses. It may have been your fault if you had just not fill in the blank, right? And then what happens over time is those stories morph into – this is where I think it gets really damning is those stories that other people tell you, you start telling yourself in your own voice. And since we always tell the truth to ourselves, right, then it gets hard, right? Then suddenly

you're just that kid in the husky jeans and you're 45 and you still don't like what you see in the mirror, right? And, or you got in a wreck when you were a kid and you still can't let go of the wheel and you're so anxious and tense and tense and anxious, right? And it's story after story about them and about you and about us and about tomorrow, about yesterday. And some of these stories, I like to call them bricks. And so this idea of bricks is an analogy I've been using for years with my students because they would come in with deep anxiety or depression or frustration. And it was always good for them to step out and say, hey, what are you carrying around into this class? Because they look around this classroom and they think, man, I'm the dumb one here. I'm not as fast here. I'm not the fill in the blank.

And I'd say, man, you're trying to compare yourself in a sprint race. If you're just staying even, you're carrying around a hundred pounds more than the other guy over there. You're actually faster and stronger than he is you're just keeping keeping pace right and so over time i learned more and more about uh this word that's become i guess in vogue now and thank god it is because we're having some great conversations about this idea of trauma right so we think of trauma about being it's something like you're in a car wreck or you go to war, spouse cheats on you, apparently suddenly dies. And that's true, right?

So you have trauma that the nerd word is acute. I call it big T trauma. It's the big ones, right? You are a little kid and you're playing tag and somebody, you reach out to get somebody, you know, giggling. And then all of a sudden, wham, they hit a wall and break both wrists and start screaming because they're experiencing pain they've never experienced.

That's a big T, right? That's a big T. I've experienced big T that I'm not going to talk about on a podcast, right? That's mine, right? And then there's a huge moment for me was with my good friend Lynn Jennings, Dr. Lynn Jennings. She's a trauma researcher as well as a child counselor in Texas. And she helped open my eyes to another side of trauma, which is what I'm going to call little t trauma, right? It is cumulative trauma, trauma that adds up on you over time.

So if you think about bricks being big T trauma, right, you walk home and you find out that your husband of seven years is cheating on you and everything that you were anchored to is suddenly severed or your uncle sexually abuses you and he's the guy that came over and was your babysitter and your parents trusted him and nobody listened to you, that's big T trauma. That's a cinder block that goes in your backpack for years, right? But then cumulative trauma is when you come down the stairs every single day and your mom says, oh, honey, that shirt, that shirt makes you look pudgy. And you want to be, you want the boys to like you, don't you? You want to be a pretty girl. Pretty girls aren't pudgy.

And you go, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're six, right? And so you go back upstairs to change. That's a little rock that goes in your backpack every time, every time. Mom didn't hit you. She didn't throw something at you, but she just said, you aren't good enough. And you're going to need to change and cover part of you up so that others will like you. Others will think you're valuable. And those, I call those little rocks, and they go in your backpack and over time, it's cumulative. Little t trauma adds up over time and suddenly those same little rocks add up to the same weight as a cinder block. If you look at a public school teacher who's been teaching for 40 years, sometimes they'll literally walk hunched over a little bit, right? And so one day your counselor pulls you out of class and says, hey, your mom passed away, that's big T trauma, right? Your mom tells you every day, you want to be loved, don't you, right?

That's little T, it adds up and it adds up and it adds up and it adds up. And ultimately the weight in the backpack is the same, right? And so when you hear callers on this show all the time, one of the things I'm always trying to get to as quickly as possible is what is that person carrying? What are they carrying that's making their journey from A to B harder to get to, right? So here's the deal. At the end of the day, these, I've started re-examexamining what I thought about trauma. And it's informed by Peter Levine, who we'll link to these books in the show notes, wrote an extraordinary book called Waking the Tiger. And I think that's the title of the book.

Is that the title of the book? I think that is. It's Waking the Tiger. And the body keeps the score by Bessel van der Kolk. And here's what they, they really opened my eyes and help expand my definition of trauma even further is trauma is not the event, that awful moment. And in fact,

there's been a lot of studies on memory that will tell me or suggest to me that my memories aren't always so reliable. What is reliable is that my body sounds all the alarms. It remembers. And so trauma, I've stopped defining as what happened, and I've started re-examining my body for when does my body set off alarms in the present, anchored to things in the past. Trauma is anytime your body responds to a past situation as though it's happening in the present anchored to things in the past. Trauma is anytime your body responds to a

past situation as though it's happening in the present, right? So Van Der Kolk says that trauma is much more than a story about the past that explains why people are frightened or angry, out of control. Trauma is re-experienced in the present, not as a story, but as a body reaction, right? So you may experience this when you get around some, you see some guy and your friend shows up and like, hey, this is Tom. And your body just goes, get out of it, right? Who knows where that trauma's setting off?

You may know, right? Or when I see kids running and playing together in a cafeteria, man, my heart starts racing because my brain has been scanning the environment for the last 30 years, waiting for that moment and saying, we remember what happens when we do this. Don't do that. And so I have to then go, oh, those are just kids playing. The chances of that happening again are basically zero. They're going to have a good time. What I need to do is address my body

or like a trauma situation we would show up to a crisis situation where let's say there someone had been shot um and people's bodies were still responding as though there was an active shooter in that building what we would do is we would say hey we need you to be present now it was scary then you're okay now you're safe safe now, right? And so the analogy is that trauma is those bricks we carry. And you begin to go through your backpack and look at these bricks and examine them for truth, right? And so over time, of course, your knees hurt and your back hurts and you have stress headaches. You have all these bodily responses to these things that happened to you in the past. And it could be as benign as, man, you lied and got busted when you were 14 and you took on the identity of, I'm a

liar. I'm just a scummy idiot. Or it could have been that you were sexually traumatized as a kid, or you were beat up as a kid, or that coach told you, you can do anything, or that coach told you, you're such a wimp. You'll always be a wimp, right? And so ultimately, one of the most important things I think for folks to get to is to A, you got to know what bricks are in your backpack. You got to do that hard work of finding out what stories are in there. What stories were you born into?

What stories have you told yourself? What stories were told to you? And you got to demand that hard work of finding out what stories are in there. What stories were you born into? What stories have you told yourself? What stories were told to you? And you got to demand evidence from those stories. You got to look at them and say, is this true? Did I lie when I was 14? Yes, I did. Did I play tag with a girl and push her when she was nine or 10 and both of her wrists, she broke both of her wrists?

No, I'm not going to say that. I broke them. I shoved her and she hit a wall. That happened, yes. Does that mean that every time kids play, someone's going to get hurt? No. Does that mean I'm a guy that hurts children? No.

Right? And so I'm looking at these bricks and demanding evidence, and then the hard work is actually setting them down. Right? So I would want everybody to start, and i'm in the middle of we're writing a book on this it's become um uh somewhat of a connection between folks that i didn't never anticipated that everyone is starting to recognize how much crap they're carrying around right and it could be oh i thought thought all Republicans thought this, and I thought all Democrats hated America,

and I thought all parents who, right? We just carry these stories, these stories, these stories. And I'll also say this. Media often has a vested interest in you carrying a lot in your backpack, a lot of identities. You are always going to be nothing more than the worst thing you ever did. You will always be nothing more than the worst thing that's ever happened to you. Because the more they can keep your alarm spinning, the more they can sell you a solution.

They can offer you a result and they can offer you something to make it go away. Whether it's, you just need some you time or a new class or a new program or a new type of therapy, whatever. And what I want to tell you is there's another way. And the other way is getting with people that you care about or that you trust, often with a professional counselor, depending on the level of trauma that you experienced, the big T trauma and even little T trauma as a kid or as an adult, and taking those bricks out of your backpack and just setting them down. Those backpacks get really, really heavy. And so we're fortunate here.

After the break, we're going to talk to somebody who was in the audience at that presentation, at that talk, who called, reached out to us and said, hey, man, what do I do now? And so when we get back, we're going to talk to him. And I'm looking forward to this conversation. I know you will, too. Stay tuned. All right, we are back, and I'm excited to talk to Anthony from St. Paul, Minnesota. Anthony, what's up, my brother?

How are you doing? I'm doing pretty good. It was great to have you at Summit and get to hear you talk. And you've been talking to me one-on-one after as well. Well, I appreciate that, man. I'm looking forward to checking in with you, man. So you reached out, and I guess the crux of your question was, how do I get these bricks out of my backpack?

I know they're there. What do I do next? So talk to me about what you were experiencing during that talk, and as you've come home and talked to your family and experienced your work situation, where are you? What's going on? Well, so after spending some time really contemplating on the bricks and everything, there's some that I can really identify easily. Okay. But there's some that I'm sure there that I don't know anything about. So I kind of have interest in wanting to journal to kind of work through some of what I know.

And then also, if there's any advice or tips on how to discover and weed out those ones that I'm not aware of at this point. So how do I find out what's there that I'm not seeing? So how do you find... I mean, you want to go spelunking, right? So you know, there's some big rocks there. You want to know, Hey, what are the little rocks that may be there? What are some ones that are buried way down there? I don't even know that they're there that I may be carrying around unnecessarily. Um, so what are one of the, one or two of the big ones that you found?

Um, well, some of the big ones are, uh, the group and abusive house. So alcoholic dad, both in regard to mom and the kids as well. So I know obviously that's one of the, one of the big huge ones there. Yeah. And then some of the smaller ones, but still bigger are some in regards to appearance and growing up, not having a whole lot of money and things like that. So those are some of the other ones.

And I'm sure there's a lot of other ones there that I'm not seeing that's, so yeah, just kind of how do I deal with those bricks now that I have identified them and how do I work through kind of just examine them and making that plan to move forward with them. And then also what else, how can I find what's down in the bottom of that backpack down in the corner and been sitting there forever and in the dark how do i identify

that and pull it out yeah i love your heart there dude um do you have are you married you got kids yep yeah i'm married and five kids. Okay, five kids. Wow, fantastic. And tell me how the old bricks of an abusive childhood or alcoholism or poverty or body image issues, how do those things pop up when you are frustrated or exhausted in interacting with your wife or with your kids? I find myself reacting a lot the way that I saw my dad react as a kid. A lot of explosive. But there's just anger and frustration and yelling and things like that. So what is that? When you find yourself yelling, exploding, being angry, what comes next?

Usually it's one of two things, blame or shame. Which one for you? I feel shame after the situation's over, obviously. I know that I didn't hear what right, and I feel shame on the way that I do act. And what do you do next? I feel shame on the way that I do act. And what do you do next? Not much at this point, really. What's your go-to numbing behaviors?

How do you check out? Because shame hurts bad, and most of us, especially high-performing folks like you, have a couple of go-to behaviors. I think I just shut down. I just turned inwards. I don't, uh, sweets, sweets are always a hard thing for me.

So I think I overindulge in that a lot, but, uh, I think I, I think I just shut down and turned inwards. That's it. Okay. It's not okay to talk about.

That's kind of the, the soundtrack of my childhood of things. Having an alcoholic dad. That's not something to talk about. Okay. Do you struggle with alcohol too? No.

Do you struggle with any other addiction besides sweets? No. No? No. Do you struggle with being right? Yeah. I feel I have to be right. I've got to know the right thing.

Okay. I've got the right answers. And if you don't know the right thing, does that usually mean it's time to go to war? I'm going to defend my position? Or do you check out then too um yeah i get very defensive i'm challenging questions on things so okay what does defensive feel like for you like i feel i feel that I need to be right now right so I really just put it up like no I'm not wrong and just kind of deflect a lot of it back and even though I sometimes I know that I'm wrong I'll still put up the fight as if I'm not

ah so we're gonna defend that honor right okay number one thanks for sharing that man um i promise promise promise there's millions and millions of men out there and women out there with very similar experiences and responses so a couple of things if you've got stories in your past that include physical abuse, sexual abuse, alcoholic parents who either weaponized their fists or I'll even venture to say equally, possibly even worse, depending on the level of physical abuse, weaponized silence, neglect, who just was that hovering presence like a bear in the living room. You knew you don't go wake that bear up. You don't talk to that bear. You just stay away. For a kid, that sort of silence can be so devastating because they think that they're the problem.

In a little kid's head, why in the world would my dad not want to talk to me? Why in the world would my dad not love me enough to go play ball with me? It must be something I did. And so either kids feel so ashamed by that sentiment that they go inside their own selves, they go into their own hole, or they spend their lives trying to be seen, whether that's spray painting something or making straight A's, but they spend their life trying to make sure dad can see me or mom can see me, right? And so if you've got that story in your backpack, on top of a story being you were born into a story of poverty, right, which is both checking account issues and psychology, right? It's an ethos.

It's a way of being. That's the way we are. And then on top of that, were you a big kid growing up? What were the body issues? No, just mostly physical appearance. Had horrible teeth my whole life. That's kind of one of the big things. Okay.

I didn't hear you speak one of the big things. Okay. Um, see, I, I didn't hear you speak directly into the phone there. Yeah. Uh, so the physical was more just, uh,

just, just overall general looks. Um, Oh, you didn't think you were a good looking guy. Yeah. Okay. All right.

And so then you almost, not almost, but you have to start figuring out how you can disappear in a crowded room. Right. Um, I need to be there, but I don't want people to how you can disappear in a crowded room, right? I need to be there, but I don't want people to see me, and that stuff haunts you forever. So here's what I would tell you. Number one, those three bricks are enough to

keep most of us busy for a lifetime, and trying to dig up any other quote-unquote things that you may be carrying around for a while at least will be a distraction to working through those things. And so, man, you've got a lot in your backpack and I would strongly recommend that you go sit

down and meet with somebody that you can be one-on-one with and be honest with, a professional therapist, a professional counselor, a psychologist, that you can be one-on-one and open and honest and say some things that you've been carrying around for a long, long time. Have you ever gone to counseling and met with people over these issues? I know as a child I've done some, but not in 30 years. Okay. So I think the season is upon you. And there is story after story after story of people

who go to counseling carrying the stuff that you've been carrying and literally they lose physical weight. Their body starts to go, because you've got a kid inside of you, brother, that is still scanning the environment 24-7,

365, even when you're sleeping for when the next shoe is going to drop. When the next person in relationship to you is going to come in swinging. When the next person is going to come in and take something from you. The next time you're going to have to move and then have to move and then have to move or somebody puts out a cigarette on you or whatever the thing is. There is a nine-year-old that is still scanning the environment trying to keep you safe. And that's why you respond like a child when people threaten your honor.

You come out swinging, right? And there's a child protecting you, defending you, going to war for you. And dude, that wasn't supposed to happen. That's what nine-year-olds aren't supposed to do. They're supposed to play a lot and have fun. And they're supposed to be tethered to mom and dad and have a safe place to be. And I'm heartbroken for you that you weren't. You're an extraordinary man that you have been able to carry this around and have five kids and be a good dad and be a good business owner and be a good husband. That's a testament to how strong you are. And now you're just going to use that strength that you've developed over the years on another set of tasks, and that's cleaning this thing out. And so what I would tell you is when people ask me, how do I know? What I always want

to do is I want to go to those numbing behaviors and reverse engineer that. That's a great way to, to, that's a great way that's simple for folks. So for me, let's say it's sweets. Almost a hundred percent of the time when I have a relationship issue, I just go start eating. It's really bizarre. And I watch it happen in real time and I know what it is. And so I know that when I'm feeling lonely, when I'm feeling like my wife isn't appreciating me, when I feel like she's mad at me, or I did something stupid, or I feel like I failed my kids with something, I didn't fail them, but I did something, I wish I hadn't said it that way, I wish I'd said it this way. I just head straight to the fridge, I head straight to the

pantry. And so now I know that when I start heading there, I will stop myself. And I'll ask myself this question. What is my brain trying to protect me from? And for some folks, it's alcohol. For some folks, it's pornography. For some folks, it's texting an old girlfriend, even though they've been married for 10 years. For other people, it's always getting the last joke in. Everyone's got numbing behaviors that they default to.

Some folks, it may be, I'm always going to be right. I'm going to send that email back now. I'm going to take that hit of feeling good right now and fire that email back, even though it's going to cost so much crap for the next 48 hours. Whatever it is for you, find those numbing behaviors, find those explosive behaviors, and begin to reverse engineer it. Because it's when you catch yourself in that moment that you know, oh no, that's what that is, right? And most of us, most of the time who have experienced what

you've experienced, that's really, really hard to do on your own. You're going to need other people in your life, starting with a counselor, then probably with a group of guys that you can trust and be with. Another great place to start, do you trust your wife, Anthony? Uh-huh, yes, I sure do. So it'd be awesome to let her know this is coming and say, I want to talk about making some major changes in my heart, stuff I've been carrying around since I was a little kid. And I want you to speak into it because I trust you. You're the only people in the world I trust. I want you to speak into it because I trust you. You're the only people in the world I trust. I want you to speak into some things that you see me do when you know I'm stressed,

when you know I'm hurting, when you know I'm frustrated, when you know I'm angry. And I bet she could rattle those off for you right away. And there may be a couple that you don't even know you do. I didn't even know I did some of them until me and my wife had this conversation. And then it becomes about getting the help that you need. And really, dude, I would let the other stuff go right now. You've got a lot, a lot, a lot of healing to do. How many people report to you in your organization? Uh, eight. Do what?

I have eight people that are under you. Eight. For business. If they had one word to describe you, what would it be? I don't know. I don't know. Would it be generous, compassionate, intense, angry, frustrated? What would the word be? Caring.

Caring? Yeah. That's awesome that's like one of the greatest i think it's one of the greatest things a compliment someone can pay you so it may be that you circle back and you give those guys permission those men and women permission hey i'm i'm gonna work on some some changes i'm gonna work on putting some of these bricks that i've been carrying down for years and years i'm gonna work on putting them down heal from some old abuse that I suffered as a kid, some old challenges. And I want to start treating everybody nicer. I want to be more plugged in with my family.

I want to be more plugged in with you guys here at work, you men and women here at work. What are some things you notice? Because every boss has them, right? What are the things you all know? Whoa, we better stay away. What are the things that take the air out of a room when you cross?

What are the similarities? Let them speak into that if you trust them. And in doing so, being vulnerable with them, they have permission to be vulnerable with you. And you won't weaponize that information. You won't set them on fire with that information, but you will use that information and you'll take that to a counselor and you'll say, hey, here's what I've been dealing with the last 50 years. I've been dealing with childhood abuse. I've been dealing with alcoholic parents. I've been dealing with poverty. I've been dealing with, I got five kids and I want to be a better dad. I've been dealing with, man, my knees hurt, my back hurts. I get headaches all the time. I got to start eating better. I don't think I'm a handsome guy and that still haunts me to this day, even though I've got

an awesome wife. I've got five kids, right? Here's some things that people around me say about me. When I get stressed, I go immediately to fights. When I get stressed, I go immediately to the refrigerator. When I get stressed, I go immediately to the bar and have too many drinks and I got to Uber home. Whatever those things are for you, take that slate, take that whiteboard of information to your counselor and say, I'm ready to start healing. I'm ready to get these bricks out of the backpack. And then over time, journaling will become part of that for sure. Community and being seen and heard will be a big part of that. But you're going to start with looking at therapists in the eye,

in person preferably, and saying these things out loud. There's something about grief that has to be witnessed. And it becomes healing when other people witness it, other people carry it with you. saying these things out loud. There's something about grief that has to be witnessed. And it becomes healing when other people witness it. Other people carry it with you. They don't judge you and they still love you. And often we need a professional to do that. So that's how you go about looking at these bricks. You go back and look at these stories. When you've got an alcoholic, man, that's a forest fire. You got to put the fire out. And then you're going to go back and you're going to start digging into, what did dad tell me? What did he communicate to me?

He communicated to me that alcohol is more important than me. He communicated to me that when I did something, it was so bad that I didn't get to be in a relationship with him. That was the part of the weapon. I learned that being poor, being in poverty was so bad that I'm going to avoid my kids, my wife. I'm going to do everything I can to never, ever have that. And there will never be an amount of money that I can earn, never a business acumen I can achieve. I'm going to still need more and more and more because I'm always going to be running from that thing, that story. Right?

Were you poor growing up? Yeah, it's true. Is there such thing as enough? Yeah, there is. Right? So you're going to look at those bricks and you're going to demand evidence from them. Was that nine-year-old kid worth hitting? No. Was that nine-year-old kid worth being silent to for two weeks? Nope. Right? And you're going to go through those with somebody else, preferably not your wife at this point. And at some point, they're going to bring your wife into these conversations as a part of the counseling process, and you all are going to

relearn how to be in a relationship together. You're going to relearn how to talk to each other, how to solve problems, because she's got walls thicker than a school bus that she's set up to defend herself against you over the last 50 years too. And so she's going to work through these things also. I want you to grab a book, Anthony, called I Don't Want to Talk About It by Terrence Real. We'll link to it in the show notes. It will be a transformative read for you. You can get the audio book or the physical book, but I want you to read it.

I want you to go through it. And I want you to let it soak in because he addresses this exact same story. And I want to thank you for your vulnerability and for your willingness to call. So good folks, I know it's a little bit different of a show, but this idea of trauma, this idea of let's get to know our bodies in the present. This stuff happened in the past and it was evil and it was wrong and some of it was little t, some of it was small and we've been carrying it forever and some of it was big and some of it we've told our story ourselves these stories so long and they weren't even true so i'll leave you with this um i've been seeing a counselor for the last year and i called my dad about six months ago i said hey this is gonna sound crazy i just need to ask you this um did i there was a big blow up when I was a kid involving a local church and me and all kinds of things.

And I called my dad and said, hey, was that my fault that I do that when I was 12? He got quiet and said, no, man. Why did you think that? And I exhaled in a way that I haven't exhaled in so long. I've been carrying around that particular cinder block. It was four or five cinder blocks stuck taped together for 25 or 30 years. And it wasn't true. It didn't happen.

And there's other bricks that I've discovered along the way thinking, oh my, I didn't know I was carrying that. That one's heavy. I had to go get somebody to help me take it out and look at it and examine it and set it down and then learn new ways of coping and walking. It's hard and it's messy and it's worth it every single time. So I want you to know that you are worth not carrying all these bricks around. You are worth not carrying all these stories around. You are worth forgiving yourself. You are worth being forgiven. You are not the worst thing that ever happened to you.

You're not the stupidest thing you've ever done. You're not the stupidest thing you've ever said. You got to go clean some of the messes up. Yep. You got to forgive some people. Yep. You got to set bricks down. Absolutely.

Absolutely. But it starts with getting out a pen and paper like Anthony did, journaling, writing these things down. What are these stories that I'm telling myself? What are these things I'm carrying? And they will come out and they will come out and they will come out. And if you got nothing, for sure go see somebody because the other thing, you got fight and you got fight. I mean, you got fight and you got flight. You got running away.

And then, man, when you can't fight it, you can't run. Your body just goes into neutral. It shuts down. And a lot of us have been shut down for years and years and years and years. And, guys, we only get one shot at this crazy tiny little life here. Live it well. So let's not be shut down anymore. Let's stop fighting.

Let's stop running. And let's go put these bricks down. So thank you so much for sticking with us on this special trauma edition of the Dr. John Deloney Show, and I'll leave you with this. I asked the guys in the booth for a song for today. This one's a little on the nose, but I'm going to go with it. It feels icky now.

Nope, we're going to go with it. Today's song, the greatest song of all time, Another Brick in the Wall, Part 3. Nope, we're going to go with it. Today's song, the greatest song of all time. Another Brick in the Wall, part three. Wah, wah, here we go. I don't need no arms around me, and I don't need no drugs to calm me. I've seen the writing on the wall. Don't think I need anything at all.

No, I don't think I need anything at all. All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. All in all, you're all just bricks in the wall. All in all, you're all just bricks in the wall. What a... That's not true. You do need arms around you. You do need arms around you. That's it. You're not just another brick in the wall. This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.