The Dr. John Delony Show - Rage Rooms are a TERRIBLE Idea

Episode Date: April 22, 2022

Today’s show starts with Delony explaining why rage rooms are basically the worst. Then we hear from a woman wondering if she and her husband should have kids, a 25-year-old with a high-paying job opportunity that he’s worried will affect his mental health, and a rock-star boyfriend hoping to help his girlfriend who’s hiding her bulimia from him. Rage Rooms are a TERRIBLE Idea Should I take a fantastic job offer at the cost of my mental health? Should we have kids? It’s a massive decision and I’m overwhelmed I think my girlfriend is struggling with Bulimia again. How can I help her? Lyrics of the Day: "Testify" - Rage Against the Machine Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Some therapists, good geniuses, thanks for that, are recommending a rage room or a smash room. When it comes to kids, it can be a fun and safe activita. But kids aren't allowed to use glass or heavy-duty tools like sledgehammers. Only adults throwing temper tantrums can do that. Here's the thing. Hear ye, hear ye.

It's John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Just yanked us back out of the 1500s for a minute. That's where Kelly likes to live, her and her romance novels. We're so glad you're here. We're talking about mental health relationships. I don't even... Kelly's more of a murder podcast kind of gal, not a romance novel kind of gal.

Are you a romance noveler? No, although 15th century British history is kind of a jam, but not romance novels. That's not really my thing. That's your thing? Well, I'm going to, from this point forward, get you some romance novels, because I think it's

time i think it's time to come back from the edge of murder speaking of murder dude can we just put an end to this uh kelly gave me these this article here here's what it said abc action news because all news is action just got out of relationship, had a bad day at work, or are you stressed and need to release without hurting yourself, someone else, or damaging your property? So, are you a grown-up who is in desperate need of a childhood temper tantrum

to kick your little feet and to cuddle up with your blankie and to be mad? Some therapist, good geniuses, thanks for that. Maybe you should have read one or two textbooks in grad school, are recommending a rage room or a smash room, a temper tantrum room, a pee in my pants and poo-poo in my diaper room. Starting to pop up across the country. I won't even read the names. It's a release, a different form of expression. Anytime somebody says it's a form of expression, hemorrhoids, I get instant hemorrhoids.

I go straight to the preparation age aisle. It's just a form of expression. Oh gosh, people coming in, nurses, teachers, they do it for a quick 15 minutes, sit down and relax afterwards, and they go on with their day. So many different aspects of how great spending 15 to 20 minutes in a rage room can help you feel. And when it comes to kids, oh, good, let's bring our kids along.

This will be fun. Thanks. Thanks, parents. Thanks, adults. When it comes to kids, it can be a fun and safe activita. Kids love it. We have at least two birthdays a week here. But kids aren't allowed to use glass or heavy-duty tools like sledgehammers.

Only adults throwing temper tantrums can do that. Here's the thing. This gets me so frustrated. Listen, your body doesn't work that way. What behaviors you choose on the heels of feelings, what behaviors you choose on the heels of an emotion encodes itself into your body and becomes your default response. It's called neuroscience.

And I'm not even a neuroscientist. I'm a podcaster and I know this. Okay. What you do afterwards, when you get angry, when you get frustrated, when you get sad, when you get, when you have a boo-boo in your diaper and you're a grown, whatever, what you choose to do next becomes your default mechanisms. Your body outsources it to automated response. So if you get angry or tired and you go pay somebody money to smash something with a hammer, to crush glass, to do tough things, your body will begin to automate an angry,

violent response to those things. It's just the way our bodies work, right? This idea, it's this old pressure cooker model. It's not real. It's not real that I just have to, quote unquote, get my anger out. No, you don't. When your fight or flight, when your stress hormones kick up, when your stress chemicals, if you will, pulse through your body, like adrenaline, cortisol, those things, channeling them towards rage, channeling them towards, that's not even what rage is, but channeling them towards anger, towards frustration, towards just makes it that much easier for your body to default there the next time, and the time after that, and the time after that, and the time after that.

And by the way, you teach your kids that, and they grow up defaulting to that, defaulting to that, defaulting to that. Don't. Stop. When you get frustrated, feel it. Sit in it for a minute. Say the words out loud with a sigh. I'm frustrated. I'm real frustrated right now. When you get angry, all anger is a physiological response pointing you towards something you care about. I'm really pissed off. I'm really angry right now because she's not supposed to treat him that way

because my teacher's supposed to, my son's teacher's supposed to care a little bit more about him because the guy I hired with money I don't really have to mow the lawn did a crappy job. That guy cut me off in traffic and I'm not about to die on the heels of a little square Kia who's driving like a maniac because they're texting and driving. Say the things out loud and let your body feel them. Go for a walk. Go for a run.

Let that be your default mechanism. Grab a pen and a paper and write them down. I am really angry because getting your car and seeing 80s metal tunes as loud as you can, or whatever nonsensical pop tunes on, I don't know what's in your head. Train your body to respond in productive ways, in healthy ways, and in neuropsychologically compatible ways with overall well-being and health.

Rage rooms, listen, I had a buddy growing up and we would get stuff and smash it. That's a blast. If we want to have smash rooms, I'm all for it. Like we can be Mario Brothers. But by calling them rage rooms, by think we're solving things, what we're doing is we're just tightening up the trigger towards an angry response.

Towards a response we're not going to be able to get back. Towards saying the thing, screaming our lungs out, to throwing a temper tantrum. Stop. We are too stressed, too fried, too exhausted, too burnt out as a culture to create these pathological responses as quote unquote solutions. They're not, they're not. A walk is, a long, long journal entry is. How tough is that? You can have a journal room. That'd be the lamest business ever. Come to my journal room and write down your whatever. Do something positive. Hey, here's a crazy idea. Call somebody that you care about and say, hey, I don't need your solutions. I don't need your advice. I just

need to vent for a minute. I'm going to talk to you because I trust you. Here we go. Do that. And then when you get angry, when you get frustrated and you get sad and you get overwhelmed, your body will begin to look for people to reach out to. And other people are one of the cornerstones of psychological well-being. Control, autonomy is one of the core functions of psychological well-being, not smashing everything and yelling and screaming. So there we go, America. That's what we need, temper tantrum rooms. All right, that's enough of that. Let's go to Samuel in Atlanta. Hope you're going to not be angry. Samuel,

what's up, man? Hey, Dr. John. Sorry you had to hear that. That was me throwing a temper tantrum about temper tantrums. All right. So what's up, dude? All right. So admittedly, I have a good problem.

You are the perfect call following my little wet diaper routine I just did. So what's up? All right. So I'll start off with a question and then I'll give you some background information. Cool. So essentially, I got a awesome job offer that would give me a huge bump in pay and it'd be amazing for my career, but it would probably double my working hours to be like 70 or 80 hours a week for the foreseeable future. And I'm kind of not sure if it's worth my sanity. So that's the question. Background information. I'm 25 years old.

Um, I work at one of the biggest finance companies on the planet and I've been with the same company since I graduated college. Okay. Uh, in my free time, the time that I would be basically selling to the company, I'm not doing nonproductive stuff. Like I'm not just sitting around watching TV. I have a couple of entrepreneurial ventures I'm engaged in and, you know, so that's kind of, there's like a financial component, but it's more about the mental health is really why I'm calling. I don't want to burn out at 25. Cool. So you equated 70, 80 hour weeks with your mental health. So what's the, what, so if you double your salary, let's say, and you go do this and it's, I, it's, this is an, a well-kept secret, especially to those in their early 20s into about 30, that those who make a lot of money earn a lot of money.

They work really, really hard and they work a lot and they're always thinking about it, right? So there's a correlation there that I didn't even get until I was out of school. I was like, oh man, that guy makes six figures, but he earns six figures. That sucks. I thought they just gave it to you.

And so you're equating a lack of sanity with 80 hour weeks, 70 hour weeks. Tell me more about that. Um, I'm kind of just assuming that's going to be the case. So a little bit more background. The reason why this promotion opportunity opened up is because a bunch of people quit. So, you know, I got to think, and I've talked to some of the people that left and basically,

you know, it's going to be really demanding. It's going to be probably eight to eight plus some weekends. And there's not really a break. You know, I, I like waking up on Saturday morning and, you know,

drinking coffee or going out in the sun or whatever. But if I'm going to be waking up on Saturday and opening up my laptop, waking up on Sunday, like I envision I'm not going to have time to breathe and take a break and do the other things that actually fulfill me and make me happy. Sure. So I'll tell you, there is no job worth your sanity. Okay. It's just not worth the money. I've spent too much time with people who have earned money that I will never, ever earn, who have accumulated a lot and have hollow lives. Okay.

So that equation doesn't work. What's given me pause about your situation is the other side, which is, are you married? No, I'm single. Okay. If there's a season to get so far ahead financially, experientially, and this sounds like a job that they, there's kind of a gristmill. We know we're going to run people through it. They're going to stay for two to five years until they get something better. And they're going to use our name to go get something better in our experience. And we're going to extrapolate every last bit of blood out of them while they're here.

There's almost a handshake agreement. We're going to pay you a ton of money. And we're going to take your soul from you. And you're going to do it for a finite amount of time. So my question to you is this, because I'm hearing this, I'm all for take care of yourself. I'm number one. I'm also all for in your twenties, especially with unmarried without kids, work the 80 hour weeks and make double the salary for two, three, four years. Grind it. Learn everything you can from everybody you can.

All the new clients figure out what they're doing and why they're doing. And then all of a sudden, you're gonna open your eyes. You're gonna be 28 and you're gonna go be able, you're gonna be married and you're gonna go find balance and more of a life that's more, balance is kind of a myth,

but you're gonna lean more into a stability, right? And you're going to have made eight years worth of salary in those four years. See what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of where I'm leaning to. It's like, you know, I know the money will be great in the short term and the work will be awful in the short term, but the longterm implications of me being 25, making the salary I would make are, are huge. Like, you know, I'm thinking about the next 20 years worth of earnings.

Like I'll probably never make less than this. And eventually, like you're saying, I'll be able to afford to take a year off from work as a whole and, you know, do whatever I want or whatever the case. So I don't want to build up to to, I don't want to kill myself for a decade so that I can do nothing into year 11, right? Well, right. I know what you're saying, man. Here's another falsity, if you will.

You can set boundaries. And some people don't and they blame the company. Some, they don't exist. And that's fair and true. I know that that exists. People expect your soul from you. But in most jobs, most of the time, you can set boundaries. And I don't open my laptop up before X, and I'd close it at Y. And I don't take phone calls on,

not everybody, but most of the time, the boundaries we don't set is because we want to be a star employee. We want to go all in. And I, man, most of the time, it's been one time in my career when I said to a supervisor, so are you asking me X? And they said, yes. Right? And then I had a decision to make. But most of the time, it's about setting good boundaries.

And that might be wishful thinking on my part, dude. To an extent. I mean, there's definitely, you know, I could set some reasonable boundaries. Yeah. But I'm not exactly on my own timeline either. What does that mean? I know what you're saying. And maybe for the next three or four years,

you give up on your entrepreneurial things. Or you say, I would never give up on the entrepreneurial things, and I hope that in three or four years, they're making this salary. Right? It's both and. So it really comes down to a finite amount of time. I'm not in favor of doing this

for a long time. I would not be in favor of this if you're married. I wouldn't be in favor of this if you had kids. And I know that's a, I don't know, some kind of ist statement, a genderedist, or not gendered, because I don't care if you're a male or female, but I'm treating you differently because you're single. How about that? But what I'm saying is you have an opportunity that you might not have otherwise. My wife and I did something very similar with grad school. We worked full-time jobs and then we were full-time grad students all the way through our PhD program. So we worked full-time jobs and sometimes two jobs and we were both in grad school. And so we did that and it was 6 a.m. to 8 or 9 to 10 o'clock at night for years on end. But I got to where I loved the work.

She was much better at boundaries than I was. And so her journey was much more pleasurable than mine was. I was a maniac. And I ended up completely cooked. But it allowed me, when I hit my 30s and we had kids, it allowed me a whole different life because I put in that hard grind out at the beginning. You know what I mean? Yeah.

So that's my journey, man. I can't make that call for you. And only you know what the work is going to be. I don't even know what the work is, man. I mean, if it's just staring at spreadsheets all day in the dark, or is it something you can take your lap? I wrote most of my new book out on my front porch. I just moved a desk because I knew I couldn't be inside for the hours it was gonna take to do this.

And so I would sit outside, sometimes in the pitch black in the middle of the night, writing on my front porch, sometimes in the early morning when it was beautiful and sunny outside, whenever, on Saturdays, Sundays. But I made it work, right? And it's just an awful season. I don't know what the work's going to be for you,

and you know the work might kill you. You know, hey, honestly, man, I know you're like, cool, cool, get boundaries, bro. Well, at this job, that doesn't work, and that might be the case, man. So I trust you to make that call. Just don't be afraid of three or four years of grinding 70, 80-hour weeks that give you a platform, not only financially, but a platform of skills, a platform of strength, a platform of resilience that will allow you

for the rest of your life. Sometimes it takes four or five years to change a family tree, and this might be your moment, right? Thank you so much for the call, Brother Samuel. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety

fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress.

Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillmortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we're back. Let's go to West Palm Beach, Florida. What's up, Carrie? How we doing? Hey, what's up, Dr. John?

Thank you for having me on. I really appreciate it. Of course. Thank you. Yes. Okay. So, um, I am, that last call kind of gave me some good insight in a way. Cause I guess I can relate in a lot of sense to that caller. But, um, what I'm really calling about is my husband and I, we're not really sure if we want to have kids anymore. Um, and no,

we don't already have kids, so we're not giving them up. I was like, Ooh, this ought to be good. We have a seven-year-old and a nine-year-old. I hate them. Exactly, yeah. So basically what happened is, like where I'm at is I know like how hard it is for a marriage to, you know, have a kid

and how many unknowns can be thrown at you. I mean, I have a brother who's special needs. I watched all that unfold. He's 12 years younger than me. So, you know, I know firsthand how difficult unknowns can be thrown at you. I mean, I have a brother who's special needs. I watched all that unfold. He's 12 years younger than me. So, you know, I know firsthand how difficult it can be. My husband's a really chill guy. He's kind of like going slow. He's kind of okay either way if we have kids or don't.

So it feels like a lot of it is on me. He's kind of like, you know, if we do, it's a great adventure. If we don't, hey, of like, you know, if we do, it's a great adventure. If we don't pay more travel, more dogs, whatever. So basically, yeah, dog dad, whatever. But not a thing, but keep going. So yeah, the plan was really when we got married and everything, it was kind of like, all right, we're going to put ourselves in the best position we can financially, all that kind of stuff to, you know, set ourselves up to have kids. I really value and think it's important for the mom to stay home with the kids. Um, just because there's a lot of, I mean, why have kids if they're going to be shipped off to daycare? I mean,

I don't know if that sounds harsh, but I, that's kind of what I think. Most of the show is pretty harsh, so it's all good. Yeah. So yeah, kids, I know in my brain, I'm like, moms don't get enough credit. I mean, kids are a full-time job. So I think it's important for a parent to be with them. And so much developmental, you know, things are happening when in those first few years. So I'm in my head, I'm kind of like, I want to be the one that, you know, leads the ship on that. but you don't want to be the one. Well, the, the problem is, I mean, yeah, kind of, I, well,

so this is kind of like relates to last caller a little bit. I mean, I started making a lot of money and I make a lot more than my husband. So it's a thing where I'm not really, you know, it's like we're on this train, we're building wealth, we're doing good. We're on, you know, baby steps four and six, like just doing well. And it feels like we're stopping everything. And I know it would be for like a season because, you know, like I said, I want to be full-time stay at home mom. And the plan was, you know, my husband would have moved up in his career enough, but I'm like, do I really want to live on that income? Is he even that motivated to have kids if he's not willing to work all these extra hours?

Like you were saying to the last caller, to save up and have kids, is it really that important to him? I think he's in a good position in his job, and I think he's an extremely hard worker. I don't think he's slacking off. He's doing the best job he can and he is doing well, but it's just the career path he's on is different than mine. So, you know, Carrie, this is not about kids. Okay. Yeah, I probably do. This has nothing to do with kids.

You've created some stories in your head about kids and why kids are the epicenter of your angst here, but it's not kids. Okay. I think it's your marriage. And I think it's, yeah, that. Is your marriage good? I feel like it's great. I love my husband I mean I don't have any the only issue not even like

you know issue is just that I feel like the this kid's thing is what's holding me you know it's I mean I have so much fun with him I would never would have picked a different guy I mean I do not think that he's I think he's the best so I don't think it's really um when you say it's a marriage thing I mean like I said the only issue in our marriage is this don't think it's really, when you say it's a marriage thing, I mean, like I said, the only issue in our marriage is this comes up and it's like no solution, no solution. But it's no solution because y'all won't, neither one of you feel comfortable stating out loud what you really believe. I don't believe for a second that he doesn't have an opinion, not for one second. I've been with the most laid-back burnouts who I don't even know if they have.

Like some of my closest friends, man, smoke more weed than they eat food, right? But they've got an opinion. And I think deep down you have an opinion. And in a marriage where y'all can't say those things out loud, I always wonder what else is there. What's unspoken. You know what I'm saying? This is a big secret that means something to both of you. Yeah.

I feel like I can talk to you about anything. I don't have any. We have such good communication. I mean, I really am one of those people. I don't hold back. I mean, I really am one of those people. I don't hold back. I mean, but sometimes when, when, when someone who doesn't hold back is in, in a relationship with someone else, then that person does a great job of creating boxes to put their things in. So let me, let me just ask you, like, um, do you want to have a kid?

Put all the other stuff aside. Put the money stuff and you don't want to live without, you know, whatever acrimons or you don't want the lifestyle that might come with the boundary you put on yourself and his income. So take that away. Do you want to be a mom? Yeah. Like, do you want to have a little knuckle headed Carrie crawling around yeah because if you want that then you can figure that out there's been beautiful

wonderful kids born in all types of situations for millennia that doesn't seem to be the issue the issue is A there's something between the – again, I talked to you for three seconds. It feels like, hey, if I do this, if I make this sacrifice, then he's probably not going to uphold his end of the bargain to keep this lifestyle that we got going. Am I missing that?

Because that's what it sounds like. Well, so like to me, it feels wrong to tell him. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. Now, now you're, now you're like hedging your relational bet, right? So you have these feelings about him, but I don't want to tell him cause that feels wrong. Well, I've told him, I mean, I've said, you know, he says, well, you know, he's, what do I want to do? Go get a sales job or go do some other kind of, you know, change his career entirely. And I, it's one of those things where I don't want to squash his dreams or to do, he has a little bit of a later start in career wise. But you want a baby? Eventually, yeah. I mean, part of me is like, okay, part of me thinks, you know, if I don't do it in the way that I think makes the most sense, I don't know if I really want one or if I don't know if he really wants one.

I mean, like I said, I really do believe that he has. I get what you're saying. He might have an opinion about it. Not might, 100%. 100%. 100%. I'm not going to say my thing out loud If I feel like

This is one of the first times I've been on this show That this conversation Would be better in person You and me Just hanging out Gotcha Cause I know

Like what I'm saying is hard You wanna have a baby And either he does or he doesn't. I don't think that's the issue. There is something about your lifestyle that you have said, and man, have your lifestyle. That's great. You get to choose that. If you come down and say, my, a new kid is not worth driving a used car, or it's not getting a smaller home or living in another neighborhood, then yeah, don't have a kid. Okay. I, it feels like you're worried about him stepping up or filling a gap that it could be financial, but it could be so much more than that. Tell me I'm wrong. If I'm wrong, I'm all about being wrong. It seems like there's something bigger about if I have a

baby with this guy, something about this isn't going to work. I don't think it's that because I don't think that he's one of those people. Like, I think he would be an amazing dad. I think he'd be amazing. Everything. I have a great, like I said, a great relationship with him. I know what you're where you're kind of getting at. I mean, I think some of this obviously is me and my my past, too, and all that.

And like the way I grew up and I'm trying to live, you know, a better life and all that for my future kids. But I don't think, you know, him as a person is he's amazing person. I have no qualms about him being a good, good guy. He steps up in ways that, you know, he's amazing partner with me. Awesome. Partnership wise. It's so that part of it, you know, I, that's where I do feel like maybe it is, it, it, maybe you are wrong, quote unquote, but I'm dude, I'm wrong all the time. Trust me.

You're good. Okay. So let me ask you, what is it then? It's, it's so hard to say. I just feel like I don't, I don't, I feel like I'm, it's stopping everything. I mean, like I said, I don't have a lifestyle that's not, that's out of control. We have used cars. We don't go crazy on, you know, all this other stuff. I mean, we have, we live within our means. We follow Dave's plan. So it's not like I'm giving up that. I mean, I understand that it would be a season of backing down and letting us, you know, living on the smaller income and all that. And, or, or, or you've backed yourself into a corner with like the, I don't want to just ship them off idea. There's a lot of gray area in between there. There's a lot of,

I'm going to work part time. There's a lot of, I'm going to work part from home and part from there. There's a lot of, um, I'm going to send to a Tuesday, Thursday school to, right. There's all kinds of things to a full eight to five babysitter, because that's what it takes for us to stay afloat in this, where we live to, Hey, maybe we're going to move where we live. Cause we want to start a family. You've backed yourself into an either or situation and those are always dangerous.

Okay. And I'll even say if to stay afloat, you'll have a family and you have to go to daycare you can still love your kids deeply and wonderfully okay i just i know i know that um because i've been with those women and their kids i know that um but i also you're allowed with all of your might to say no if i have a baby i'm staying at home that's that's appeared at the end of that sentence there's a way that's gonna be. No ifs, ands, or buts. And that terrifies me.

So if your marriage is great, you do have to have that conversation, okay? About, hey, hold on, let's put it in an envelope. I'm gonna write down, do I want to have a kid or not? And you put one in yours and we're gonna seal them and then we're gonna open them at the same time. Like whatever you have to do. My gut tells me if he did not want to have kids, he would say,

I do not want to. If he did, you're a all out, all the time personality. And so it's best to hedge. Yeah, I mean, it'd be cool. It'd be a great adventure or not. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I'm not going to pressure you. I love you. You're my wife, whatever you think. How much of this is that you're terrified of your little brother? Yeah, that's a lot of it too, for sure. Say that out loud. And the later I wait, the more chances of, you know, issues. I mean, my mom was an older mom when she had my youngest brother. So it was like, it's in my family and it's, you know, so it's like, that's really scary. Carrie, it's okay to love your brother deeply and to be terrified of that same outcome for your kid. Both can be true. Yeah. And special needs parents and special needs brothers and sisters don't have permission to

say those things out loud. So I'm giving you that permission. Probably wouldn't post it on Instagram. You know what I mean? But that's something you can look at your husband and hold his hands and look him in the eye and say, I'm scared that this might happen. You don't want to do that. But you said it out loud. Maybe that's where. Go ahead. Yeah, no, maybe that's where too, I think he's, he never had experience,

you know, with special needs kids and all that. And I don't think he understood like how, even though my brother's mildly, I mean, he has autism, but it's like, that's not even a special needs thing. That's a big deal. No, don't minimize it. Don't minimize it. It's hard. It's hard. Yeah. I think he saw that and was like, whoa, like this could be our reality. We have to take care of him our entire lives.

He's never going to live alone. He may end up living with us one day. So it's like he sees that for, you know, future kids of us. And obviously nobody plans for that.

But I've really stuck it in his head like, if we're going to do this, it's going to be, we're going to do everything we can to be super healthy and you know best position but it's a possibility still

it's a possibility walking across the street that you get hit by a bus and we choose to love deeply and recklessly what nobody will tell you on this side of having a kid with special needs is you find

capacity your heart triples and quadruples in size it goes 100x in size a hundred times its size and it's really hard and it's exhausting and you want to bang your head against a wall and you love deeper than most people walking to and from dead-eyed in the grocery stores that you will stand next to in the aisle. You have a capacity for love that nobody will understand. And you can't—here's what I'll tell you, like my friend—the conversation with my friend John. My friend John's a couple years older than me. They had—him and his wife, Jen, had two kids relatively quickly in their marriage. And we used to hang out every Monday night, me and him and Todd, every Monday night,

every Monday night, week after week after week after week. And then this baby came along and he quit wanting to hang out. I was like, dude, man. And I, she's one of my best friends in the world. I blame Jennifer. I was like, dude, man, what kind of wife, dude? Let him come hang out.

And it wasn't until I had my son that maybe a year later, me and John were just having a drink and some chips and queso at some place. And I was like, dude, why didn't you tell me that you didn't want to hang out with us because you got to sit on that couch and hold that baby?

And he smiled at me and he said, cause you wouldn't have understood. It wouldn't have made sense. And so you can do all the math on this side of it. Like, yeah, we're going to give up our nights. We'll be able to watch the new series of Dexter. When it comes out, we're not going to be able to like go out. Yeah, you can do that math.

And all that math is true. Your life goes sideways. It goes crazy sideways. Your money goes sideways. It goes crazy sideways. Your money goes sideways. And everything about, I can speak to me, man. Everything about me changed. Everything about my friends who've had kids, they changed. Is it always fun and wonderful? No, it's crazy. You do have to be hyper-intentional with your marriage. You do. And if you watched your parents' marriage slowly drift apart as marriages do,

especially with kids with special needs, you're gonna have to be hyper-intentional about being a good co-captain of that ship and make sure y'all take time for each other. But all the way back to this, there's some unspoken truth-telling I think needs to happen. And you don't wanna hurt his feelings.

He doesn't wanna hurt yours. You'll want to hurt his feelings. He doesn't want to hurt yours. You'll need to have that conversation. Where are we? And turn the lights on moment when it comes to having kids. Let's just have that moment, okay? And you said you want to have a baby. So if you do, have a baby. If you don't, be at peace with not.

And be the best big sister that ever lived. Be the best aunt that ever lived. Is that fair? Yeah. There's not a right or wrong here. There's not a right or wrong. What I will tell you is this. And this isn't scientific.

This is just, I've never heard. I've never heard the words uttered by somebody who's 70 or older. I've never heard anybody utter the words, man, you know what? I wish I hadn't had kids. I've never heard those words uttered. A couple of times I've heard 70 year old and older folks say, man, I can't believe we didn't have kids. I can't believe we didn't adopt kids. We were about to adopt and we didn't. And I've heard that before. It's not data. It's not real. That's just what I've heard sitting with people at the end of their lifespan. I don't know if that influences you one way or the other, but I can tell you this.

Trying to do math with love rarely works. You do math with your finances, you do math with your business, but doing math on the front end of love never works. So much deeper than you can possibly imagine, and messier, and more than you can ever imagine. It's all of it. But in my life, it's been super worth it. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you

haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst.

If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy,

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dot com slash Diloni. All right, one more. Let's go to Jack in Indianapolis. What's up, Jack? Hey, Dr. John. Thank you for taking my call.

You got it, brother. What's up? So I really need your. John. Thank you for taking my call. You got it, brother. What's up? So I really need your help with something. My question for you today is, how can I support my girlfriend with an eating disorder? Specifically, she has bulimia. Okay. And we've been dating for about nine months.

I'm 30 years old. She's 26. And she's loved my life. I can't see a future without her. I want her to be my wife, future mother, my kids. And, um, as we've grown closer together, I learned that she suffered with an eating disorder for about six years, um, throughout high school and college. And, um, you know, she's done inpatient and outpatient treatment, but I've noticed some evidence lately that she's been binging and purging.

What's the evidence? Um, so specifically one night she had overeaten like a lot and, um, she went to the bathroom for a while and she came out and her eyes were really wet and there were like food particles in the toilet. Okay. And toilet and you know i it took me a second to realize what that was and then my mind started looking back at things in the past like oh she canceled several of our dates like we had plans i wonder if she's staying home to binge and purge um you know things like that there's i'm kind of like looking at things that have happened in the past and saying, okay, there was evidence there for the eating disorder and I just missed it. Or maybe I didn't want to see it.

And so now my mind is spiraling. I'm kind of projecting into the future. Like what happens when she gets pregnant? Is that going to impact, you know, her body image and exacerbate the eating disorder. Um, you know, when she goes to grad school this fall, is the stress of that going to cause the eating disorder to flare up? And she doesn't know that I know, um, that I, that I've seen this evidence and I just, I don't know how to talk to her about it. I want to treat her with dignity and respect because I've suffered with addiction too. Um, I just, I don't know what my role is here.

Awesome. Well, and your heart's gold, brother. And that's hard. That one's hard. But thank you for the call. And man, this is such a huge deal. I think it's important for me to just tell you there are some stone cold experts in this field, and I'm not one of them. Okay?

Mm-hmm. Here's what I know about most people don't know that anorexia up until recently with the opioid stuff, and it may still be. It may be neck and neck, the single most lethal mental health issue was anorexia, eating disorders. Bulimia, I think the stats are a bit different, and somebody will correct me if I'm wrong. They sent me a note here, but it really beats up your body. One of the cornerstones of bulimia is shame

yes right and so the secret part A doesn't surprise me at all and B that feeds the machine the secrets okay

and so the greatest gift you can give her is in a in a season tell her what you just told me. Really, you did a great job. I love you. I see no future of mine without you in it. And I have a past, I've struggled from addiction. You have been so vulnerable and brave telling me about your past struggles with purging. And I noticed it happened again. Yeah.

How are you? And we start there. And here's a couple of hard, hard truths here. Number one, you can't heal her. Number two, you're going to want to look for evidence of this everywhere and i would recommend you not do that okay okay she may have missed dates because she had other things going on or she had covet or she had like who knows what you know of this one time and maybe two or three other times you're not telling me about but um often we'll start to play beautiful mind and

we'll start to be like oh yeah and then and then, and then, and then, right? And all of a sudden we're on a YouTube channel with our conspiracy theory, right? When it comes to relationships, I would just turn the light on on this one. It's hard. Some studies show up to 50% of people who struggle with bulimia have a history of anxiety. The idea that it's all body image is more media fabrication than reality there's a mix of genetics here there's a mix of anxiety there's even some some new stuff out that it might be a metabolic issue that a body just has a i don't really know how to describe it but a body has a tendency to

run lower than a physio neuralneural body would do. So all I have to say is it's a complex web of stuff. And she may need to go back to counseling, right? Well, no, I won't say may. She probably 100% needs to. A great gift you could give her is, I want to come with you. Would you be willing to go?

And I'd like to join you. There'd be a connectivity there that would be willing to go? And I'd like to join you. There would be a connectivity there that would be awesome, okay? I love that idea. This sucks. She's open to that. Okay, here's the other thing. She may tell you,

I don't even know what you're talking about. How dare you? I can't believe you did this. And here's one of these things to keep in the furthest reaches of your heart, okay? You may blow your relationship up and save her life. Okay. Because she may tell you to go to hell.

She may say, screw this. I'm not having this conversation with you. Okay. And that will hurt more than anything because you're coming to her with an open heart and trying to look to her future. I would recommend I'd stay away from like, well, what about our unborn baby? And what about, I wouldn't go down those roads. Okay, we're talking a couple of years out. Okay, let's get to, I noticed some old patterns have shown back up and I'm really scared.

And I've been there too. And I'm scared for you. I'm scared for us. I'm scared for me because I don't know how to love you right now. But I see it and I'm willing to walk alongside you because you and I have a for you. I'm scared for us. I'm scared for me because I don't know how to love you right now. But I see it and I'm willing to walk alongside you because you and I have a future together. But that starts with no more secrets.

Okay. I love that idea. Okay. And hear me say this, brother. She is lucky to have you. Read less Google, okay? Oh, sorry. What's it called? Read less Google. Don't go Google this less is what I'm saying.

I'm looking up every resource online. Yeah. I would do that much less. I would talk to a professional, um, who's got experience working with, um, women and disordered eating. It's hard. It's hard. There's just so much going on, so much going on, so much going on. But again, she's lucky to have you, my brother. I'll say this out to everybody.

Again, I'm not an expert in this. Obviously, working with high school and college students for as long as I did, I've seen it so often. It is very, very hard. So if you are struggling with disordered eating, whether you are struggling with anorexia and you're just not eating, you're binging and purging, you're eating too much, please reach out and call somebody. Please reach out and call somebody. And if you love somebody who's struggling from one of these three evil iterations of distorted eating, hold somebody's hand, look them in the eye and say, I love you.

I love you enough to say, I see that you're not okay. I love you. And it's not about, it's not about, I need to tell you that you're beautiful. I mean, it's not, it's so much more complex. Tell somebody you love them and you're willing to walk alongside the hell that it's going to be to get to healing on the other side of this thing. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up?

Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings

and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. And as we wrap up today's show, a little bit on the nose with the Rage Rooms, but this Rage Against the Machine and their classic testify, and it goes like this.

The movie ran through me. The glamour subdued me. The tabloid untied me. I'm empty. Please fill me. Mr. Anchor, assure me that Baghdad is burning Your voice is so soothing The cunning mantra of killing I need you, my witness, to dress up Dress this up so bloodless To numb me and purge me

Now of thoughts of blaming you Yes, the car is our wheelchair My witness, your coughing Oily silence mocks the legless Ones who travel now in coffins on the corner The jury's sleepless we found your weakness it's right outside the door now testify that's what we do here on this show man see you soon coming up on the next episode and hey i was just doing an interview and somebody

told me like dude you yell all the time and i was like no i don't and i was like oh my gosh i do so hey everybody welcome to the dr john del show. I'm glad that you're here. My family has fallen apart and my life is pretty much blown up here in the last couple of weeks. I screwed everything up and I don't know what to do. But before you do anything else, before you go down the rabbit hole, what do I do? You have to sit in it for a second and grieve. Not liking my kids. Like, I love them to death, but I'm finding myself in a place where I'm not liking them. Not, like, sometimes, but, like, majority of the time. Thank you for having the courage to say that out loud. Good morning.

How are you doing today, Dr. John? We're figuring it out. Figuring it out. What's up? Same here. That's why I called you. Okay, We're figuring it out. Figuring it out. What's up? Same here. That's why I called you. Okay, tell me about it.