The Dr. John Delony Show - Reconnecting After a Baby & Moving on After a Traumatic Accident

Episode Date: November 16, 2020

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that gives you real talk on life, relationships and mental health challenges. Through humor, grace and grit, John gives you the tools you need to cut through the chaos of anxiety, depression and disconnection. You can own your present and change your future—and it starts now. So send us your questions at johndelony.com/show or leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291. We want to talk to YOU! Show Notes for this Episode 2:25: How do we get our relationship back to normal after having a baby? 18:37: I accidentally ran over a boy last year. He is fine but I am having trouble dealing with it. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma - Bessel van der Kolk M.D. 35:47: My teenage niece just had a baby and we fear the baby may be in an unsafe environment 46:01: What's the difference between hustling and being a workaholic ? The Dave Ramsey Baby Steps 51:40: Lyrics of the Day: "Sonic Bloom" - Tripping Daisy tags: marriage, intimacy, parenting, anxiety, finances, money, trauma, forgiveness, family, adoption, kids, Dave Ramsey, work These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Hey, on today's show, we're going to talk about some adult things. We're going to talk about trauma and intimacy. So watch out for the little ears in the room. We're going to be talking about how to get your marriage back after you've had a baby. We're going to walk with a mom through a deep, deep trauma and how she can heal. And we're going to talk about the difference between hustling and being addicted to work. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up, what's up? I'm John and this is the Dr. John Deloney Show A live show where we walk and talk alongside you

About your life, about what's going on in your heart, in your mind, in your world, in your neighborhood All of it And we're trying to figure out how to do life together. We're trying to figure out how to be human beings again. We talk about everything on the show, anything, all of it. So no matter what's going on in your heart, in your mind, or your family, listen, you're not by yourself. There are other people who are just like you who are going through it too.

We're going to talk about love, heartbreak, parenting challenges, emotional and mental health. And we might talk about how much I hate autocorrect. Can we all just agree that whoever wins the presidential election, by the time this comes out, we probably still won't have a president by then. We might. I don't know, drama. Some of you just were driving down the road just when I said that,

and you're like, yes, we do. Okay, good. We got one. Whoever it is, let driving down the road just when I said that, and you're like, yes, we do. Okay, good. We got one. Whoever it is, let's make the first order of business. No more autocorrect. The other day I texted my wife, and I quote,

how was your day? Send. And it autocorrected to, how was your fat? How was your fat? She wasn't having a great day, and I knew that, which is why I made it a point to text

Ask her how she was doing And particularly She wasn't having a great Image conscious day And that was the day That freaking autocorrect decided to send her And I quote How is your fat?

So let's just all agree We're done with it We're done with it So we're going to talk about all of it on the show So whatever's just all agree we're done with it We're done with it So we're going to talk about all of it on this show So whatever's going on, let's do it Give me a call at 1-844-693-3291 That's 1-844-693-3291 Or you can email me at askjohn at ramsay solutions dot com

Alright, let's do it Let's go straight to the phones today let's go to britney in philadelphia britney what is up hi how are you i'm doing good how are you guys good um so i was just calling cuz we had a baby eight months ago congratulations boy or girl boy or girl girl girl what's her name? Reagan. Oh, beautiful. I love it. I love it. Okay, go ahead. And we have had a hard time like being parents aside from, or sorry, being a couple aside from parents. And I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I had pretty significant postpartum anxiety and he has like virtually no anxiety and has never dealt with anyone with anxiety before so that definitely took a toll um and yeah and so when you say we're having trouble as a couple right or we're trying to get our relationship back on track

tell me what that that awkwardness explained to me like give me a situation that awkwardness that weirdness and hey listen I've been there and so I know man it's the worst um walk me through give me a scenario um I guess a good example um would be like you know by the time she goes to bed we're kind of just both like okay time to just like hang out on the couch watch tv and like not talk to each other yes and just like chill and not really do anything um so tell me about my anxiety oh go ahead tell me about your anxiety yeah yeah my anxiety caused us a whole lot of debt what does that mean what does that mean so i i guess a little more backstory um my i've had a lot of like loss in my life. So my dad passed away suddenly years ago from cancer. My mom was diagnosed when I was pregnant with cancer. Um, and so when I was pregnant, I was like, okay, I'm going to do anything that I can to keep this baby

healthy, including breastfeed. And then I couldn't breastfeed. So I, that like took a toll on me every day. Um, and then I was like, okay, I'm just going to do everything to like do what I can, control what I can. So if I like bought a box of diapers and the next day I saw like a more organic brand, I'd be like, oh, we got to go buy this. Even if it means putting it on a credit card, which was totally unreasonable. And my anxiety is much better now because I got help for it. But it's just definitely caused debt and stress and he didn't know how to deal with it. And so, yeah. So how has he contributed or tried to help?

You don't need to do that. Everything's okay. Kind of like you would explain a fixer. Gotcha. He tries to give you some some good information to where one day you'll be like oh you're right i shouldn't be anxious thanks man i hadn't thought of that okay yeah but then a lot of the times it would end up he'd like get frustrated and just be like fine just go buy it and then yeah so who who do you have in your in your sphere that when things

start spinning out when you get frustrated or your heart starts racing or you wake up with those just brutal intrusive thoughts, who do you go to? Who do you call? Who do you text? Who do you go see?

Sometimes my mom. Okay. But usually I kind of just keep to myself. Okay. So I want to change some of your language a little bit and then work on a game plan. Is that cool? So I want to reorient this idea that anxiety caused your X, Y, Z. Anxiety caused your,

like when you just get spinning out about diapers and they got to be super organic and then there's the super, super organic brand and the whatever. And then you look it up on the internet and it's like, if you put these on your baby forever, their mitochondria won't grow and whatever the caustic thing is, right? That's less anxiety.

That's more expectations. That's more exhaustion. That's more your body recalibrating chemicals and hormones. That's more loneliness. Anxiety is the heart rate, the intrusive thoughts, the can't stop, the waking up in the middle of the night. All that's doing is letting you know that you don't have these other things. And so what I like to do is take anxiety when you feel it and just go, okay, what am I – what is my body trying to tell me? Right?

Is it trying to tell me that I haven't processed dad's loss, just his sudden passing, and suddenly dad and mom, everything can be moving along and suddenly dad and mom can just go away. And oh, by the way, I'm pregnant in the middle of a worldwide pandemic and I control very, very little. And so I'm going to reach double down and control every little thing, right? So I want to look at what the alarms are telling me, not blame and focus on those things. Okay. Um, so whenever you feel that panic, I want you to stop what you're doing before you go buy something, before you go to another internet article. And if you're like me, when I was spinning out all the time,

when I was just a highly, highly anxious, I would walk by a, an aisle and we'll just use your diaper example. I'd be walking by an aisle and I would just have a box of diapers in my thing, and I would see the word organic, and I would stop and turn and be like, what about these? And then I would sit there, and I'd scroll on my phone, and I'd Google it, and I'd find another one or another one. And, yeah, then I'd get out of control. Instead of doing that, instead of getting more information,

I want you to go to part two about what we're going to do here, okay? So all of the things you're experiencing I want you to go to part two about what we're going to do here, okay? So all of the things you're experiencing, I want you to know are super normal. You're not crazy, okay? Okay. And there's nothing worse, and I haven't been one, so I'm speaking a new mom, sitting down with a six-month-old or a seven-month-old in the middle of a pandemic with a husband who desperately loves me but doesn't know how to connect and feeling like this is all on me. Oh, and by the way, mom's got cancer, right? And that's a harrowing, scary, lonely feeling. And so what you've got to do is decide, do I want to live in that or not?

And I'm guessing since you called, you don't want to. So here's where you're going to have to get highly, highly intentional. Okay. And Hey, by the way, that question I just asked sounds like I'm being a smart aleck. I'm not. There are some folks that want, they don't want to feel bad, but they don't want to give up that control that this is all on me. Right. They don't want to feel bad, but they don't want to give up that control that this is all on me. Right? They don't want to forgive themselves for not being able to breastfeed. They don't want to forgive themselves for my kid is crying in the middle of the night, and I looked it up online, and he's supposed to already be sleeping, and he's not. And so I've got the one crazy kid, and he's probably got a – right?

They don't want to give that up. And that's fine. They're going to reap what they sow there. They're choosing a life of spinning out in confusion and frustration. And I'm not minimizing postpartum. That is real and that is evil. But there is some things you can do that will surround yourself with people to make sure you're meeting with your doctor, etc. So in terms of your relationship, right when you said it, I just smiled, okay? You have to decide, you and your husband have to decide that the couch and TV is not an option.

You've got to take that off the table. And what that means is you're going to have to relearn, and I'm not saying this in a silly way. I'm saying this in a totally honest, truthful, moving forward way. I've had to do it myself a couple of times. You're going to have to relearn how to like him. And he's going to have to relearn how to like and love you. And y'all are going to have to relearn how to find rest in each other and not in the couch and vegging out. And that means you're going to have to be uncomfortable about your body.

And he's going to have to be uncomfortable about your discomfort. And he's going to have to be uncomfortable about his body because I know he's put on 30 pounds during this deal. And you are going to have – right? It's going to have to be this relearning how to love each other again and relearning how to like each other again. And so you have to be super highly, highly intentional. And that might mean all you want to do in the world is turn the TV on and veg out. I want you to turn it off and I want you to say, hey, will you just hug me for a little while? I just want to lay on you on the couch and I want you just to hug me and something like read to me

or I'll read a book and you read a book or something ridiculous like that. But I want you to focus on each other. I also want you to make plans for intimacy and connection. And this is something that trips up a lot of couples, especially after their first kid, is when you have no kids, it's just free for all, dude, right? You get home, you're like, let's just hook up now. It's five o'clock. Who cares? It's before dinner. It's after dinner. It's Saturday morning. It's Sunday afternoon. It doesn't matter when. And then suddenly this baby comes and robs you of your self-esteem. It robs you of all of your energy, all of your money.

And then you just want to sit on the couch and let Netflix take your soul from you. And so you guys are going to have to rebuild a new relationship in this new era. And what that might mean for a season is putting sex on the calendar. It's going to be, hey, Tuesday night is sexy night. Tuesday night and Friday nights, these are sexy nights. And you can get one pass a month or something, right? Like, Hey, that's a good thing to mention is there's been literally zero of that. That's right. That's right. And it's, Hey, you're not, it's not uncommon,

right? Everybody's exhausted. Everybody's hormones all over the place. Everybody looks differently than they did a year and a half ago. And it just becomes this weird thing. And he doesn't know how to approach you. and then you feel awkward knowing how to approach him. That's super normal. But you've got to decide, we're going to put this on the calendar, and we're going to figure out how to make this happen. And lean into that.

And my hope is, if you go into it with a spirit of adventure, and a spirit of, not that we're doing something wrong, but that we're building something totally new. Kind of like y'all are just dating again. And you would waste a whole movie just trying to hold his hand or hoping he would just brush his fingers up by yours. You know what I mean?

You're back to that now. And so enjoy it in an exciting, fun way. Not a, oh my gosh, we have to do all this over again. Because you're going to find different things about yourself. You're going to find different things about him. And the cool thing is you're going to have to actually talk about it for the first time in a long time. My hope, my hope is this being highly intentional about connection.

Then that desire will return. And then you're gonna have to be the, this is the final thing. Be really intentional about getting sleep, about setting boundaries with your kid, about exercising, about going outside, even when it's cold and doing some of those things that make you a human again.

Postpartum robs you of yourself, and loving somebody who's struggling with postpartum robs him of what he felt like his control and power and gift in your relationship was, was knowing the answers. It steals that from him too. So y'all are just supposed to sit there at a loss, right? Yeah, and I guess a lot of my guilt is like 100% of the debt is from me was knowing the answers, it steals that from him too. So y'all just sit there at a loss, right? Yeah. And I guess a lot of my guilt is like 100% of the debt is from me and like my, like

rebuying, wanting to get the best of everything. And like, he has always been like super good with money. So now we're like in this hole and it's like, oh, sorry, that was all me. So here it is. Then you sit down and you say, I, I'm sorry. I own this debt and i'm gonna say when you're in a married relationship um don't change the pronouns right at any point he could have said hey you're struggling right now i want to intervene and he didn't so everybody owns everything you deciding to take all that on and then where all that guilt is just going to crush

the relationship and it's going to make you a little less likely to initiate intimacy or connection. It's going to make him feel like, well, here we go again, right? So I would set up some time and say, here's what we're going to do. Starting this week, we're going to put sex on the calendar. We're going to intentionally turn the TV off. Even if we just stare at each other, It's going to be awkward and weird. We're just going to hold hands and make out again. We've got to figure out how to do this again, and we're going to enjoy it.

We're going to be open and say, I actually didn't like that, or I did love this, or, or, or. And you're going to say, hey, I spent a lot of crazy money. Here's the big secret. Your kid has no idea what the best of anything is. You know what I mean? They don't. kid has no idea what the best of anything is. You know what I mean? They don't. They have no idea. They can use a seventh removed blanket from Goodwill, just throw it in the washer, and your kid will be fine.

Right? And so you can say, hey, honey, I want you to help hold me accountable. I'm going to give you my debit card for the foreseeable future because while I'm learning to not be anxious anymore, I can't control my spending. I had to do that with my wife, by the way, Brittany, I did that. I gave my wife my debit card when my son was born because I was out of my mind. And so we actually did that. He does all the money now. Well, but I see in what happens is you get these little seeds of separation and suddenly it's going to, you're going to wake up and it's going to be two years and you're going to have sex five times in those two years. You're, and, and I'm not being gratuitous. I'm just telling you, that's what's going to happen. He's going to do all the money.

You're going to be totally separate from it. Then you're going to start thinking things like, I do everything around here. I can buy whatever I want. And that's when you go get your secret credit card or you go to the bank and get your own debit card again. Right? So it just creates this gap. And what I want you guys to do is to be super, highly, highly, overly intentional about reconnecting that gap right now. Right? Bringing it back together and having some very direct conversations. Sorry about the debt. That's on both of us.

I'll own it. We've got to be done with that starting now. Here's the credit card. But I still want to do the budget with you every week. I've got to be connected there. We're going to put sex on the calendar. We're going to be open and talk about sex. What do we like? What do we not like?

What's this new season, this new world we're building? We're going to not, we're going to get bored games. We're going to get silly games. We're going to do things together besides just hitting the couch. And my guess is after a week, after two weeks of reconnecting, the time spent in front of the TV is going to be smaller and smaller and smaller because you're going to realize you like that guy, and he's going to remember that he likes you.

And expect it to be awkward. Expect it to be weird and uncomfortable. That's good stuff. It's part of relearning how to love each other after bringing another human into your home. So Brittany, you're not crazy. You're right where you need to be. Final, final thing. You got to get some friends.

You have to get some friends that's not your mom. You've got to get some friends that's not your husband. Some folks you can call when you're having a low day, when you're having a, is this normal day? This feels weird day. My kid's not doing X, Y, or Z and I don't know what to do day. Be intentional. Be intentional. Call old friends from college if you have to. Call friends from your local community group or your church if you

have to. I don't care. You got to, got to, got to have friends. Okay. You got to connect with people. And then of course, I'm telling you this, Brittany, I'm telling anybody struggling for postpartum. If you have intrusive thoughts that get real dark, and those of you who have been through that know what I'm talking about. You got to reach out and call somebody. You got to call for help. You got to call a counselor. You got to call your OBGYN, call your doctor. But do not sit at home by yourself in the dark wondering what you're doing as a mother.

You have a role as a mom. You're the greatest gift on planet Earth. And I want you to honor and love yourself. So Brittany, you are the best. Thank you for the call. I'm so excited for the beautiful little Reagan. She's going to have two awesome parents. I want you to call me back if you will, after you have this first call, I mean, this first meeting with your husband, you sit down and say Alright, we're rebuilding I love you, you love me That sounded like the Barney song a little bit That got weird You love each other, we're going to rebuild this thing

I want you to call me back and let me know how that conversation goes I'm looking forward to it Alright, let's go to Lauren in Salt Lake City Lauren, how are we doing this morning? Oh, I'm doing alright Thank you so much for taking my call and sharing your insights. Thank you for calling. It's super early there, huh?

It's pretty early, yeah. Well, thanks for waking up with us this morning. Yeah. So how can I help, Lauren? So last fall we had two hard things happen in sequence. And one of the things is, last fall I was picking up my 10-year-old son from football practice as we were pulling out of the parking lot. I accidentally ran over another little boy with my car. And it was terrible.

Hold on. Take a breath. Take a breath terrible. And... Hold on. Take a breath. Take a breath. Take a breath. Okay. You're good. Anyway. So, I find myself struggling with anxiety from that.

Here we are in football season again and I'm finding myself not wanting to pick him up from practice again and even go to the games or anything and the little boy is okay, he's all right. Um, now, so, um, throw that in there, but, um, so take a breath and I'm going to recap while you're taking a breath. Okay. So last year during your little boy's football practice, um, you're leaving

practice and you accidentally ran over, um, another little boy in the parking lot. And when people think of that, and again, I'm not going to be overly gratuitous, but I've been in these trauma situations, and I want people to understand what happens in your heart and mind here. My guess is there were yells and sounds and things that you saw that people are not supposed to hear and see is that right oh yeah okay definitely not good yeah there you go and those things replay themselves over and over and over right um and then all of a sudden that um the boy's okay right he recovers yeah he's running around like a normal little boy now

he is a miracle really yeah he's totally fine and the family how do they hold you responsible do you still connect with them what's that relationship like um no no um they're um i i force myself to you know go see, um, just so I could see him normal, you know, like, um, not in that state and, um, you know, to tell her, you know, you know, just give her flowers and stuff. Um, you know, she was nice, you know, of course in the moment that was not good, but, um, uh, afterwards, you know, she was very nice and, um, yeah. Well, I'm proud of you for doing that. That's a hard thing to do. And, um, it's a, it's, that was an act that will serve you years to come.

Seeing him with your own two eyes running around, seeing that family again, that's going to pay dividends years down the road. And so now it's football season again, and you don't want to even go near that place. You don't want to be around that place. And you said there was two things going on. What's the second thing?

Oh, well, the second thing is like the day after that happened i was you know obviously having a hard time and um stuff and my husband's son i um his mom had passed away um unexpectedly and so geez okay hold on a second that was you just you passed that along dismissively you're like oh and by the way um i went and got burritos at the local gas station like no that's a big big family trauma right it was yes yes um it was and so my guess is you didn't get to grieve at all you turned into taking care of him taking care of everybody around is that right yeah that's exactly right he you know he looked at me and he just said i need you right now i just you know i knew that he did you know at he looked at me and he just said, I need you right now. I just,

you know, I knew that he did. You know, at that point we knew the little boy was going to be okay. And I just was like, okay, you know? And so I just really pushed everything down and didn't really,

I don't know. I think I just ran away from it. And so. Well, you ran away in the name of duty, right? Yeah. Right.

So if you think, if you think of your feelings, you took yours with two hands and you compressed them. And another word for compress is to depress, right? You depressed them down so that you could take care of your husband and your husband's family and probably your kids because they lost their grandma. And you did a noble thing in a hard thing in counseling. We call it leakage, which is if you don't deal with past trauma, they will eventually make their way out. Usually at a real inopportune time, they don't ever go away. Right. And lucky for you.

And I'm saying this on purpose, lucky for you. They're coming out a year later and they're coming out in a situation that I think that you could – you're going to be able to rally your heart and mind around and heal from, okay? Yeah. So tell me about the intrusive thoughts. What pops into your head when you're driving down the street, when you pull into a grocery store parking lot? Tell me about that. Just, I think just, I don't know, like if I feel a bump, you know, under the car or something. Yeah. Your whole body just floods, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Just, you know, heart rate. Just sometimes I feel like, oh, this is a little dangerous you know yeah yeah anyway you know i just i do feel like i kind of like these anxiety attacks um and and you know eventually they kind of fade and i'm okay but you know i just i feel like i don't want to go to that parking lot again. And, you know, I feel like I'm not supporting, you know, I don't know. I feel like I'm not. So let me, one last question I've got for you as I'm kind of wrapping up what we can do here, wrapping my head around what I can recommend for you. Do you still wake up? And I'm saying still, cause I'm a hundred percent. No, I've met with a thousand people in your situation. Uh's probably an overstatement, but do you still wake up in the middle of the night?

Or has that gone away? Not waking up as much. When you wake up, is your heart racing already? Or are you able to wake up and are you able to sleep a full night? Yeah, I'm sleeping okay. That's awesome. Awesome. Good.

Yeah. Okay. All right. So here's a couple of things. Some of this you've probably heard me do on the radio before, but I want to do it with you. And then I want to give you kind of a game plan and a roadmap. Is that cool? Yeah, that sounds great.

Okay. Here's the first thing. You have to decide, and only you can decide this, okay? You have to decide that this is not going to be your identity and that you don't want to keep wrestling with this. And until you decide that, your brain is going to continue to try to take care of you and everyone around you by sounding every alarm it has every time it gets in a situation that it remembers is dangerous. And often people in your situation sentence themselves to a life in prison for an accident.

Yeah. And until you pardon yourself, until you say, all right, I have beat myself up for a year, and I'm ready for this not to be my identity. I'm ready to not be the lady who ran over the little boy. I'm ready to be the awesome mom who loves my kid, the awesome wife who loves my husband, the awesome community member who has ups and downs in her life like everybody else. And when you're ready for that to be your identity, not the worst thing that's happened to you that you did.

And let me be honest. If you were texting and emailing and trying to eat fast food in your lap at the same time I don't care What happened happened And now we're a year later And so I want you to decide That you're going to let yourself out of jail Okay

Because by not letting yourself out of jail You are making sure that you will never heal, the people who love you will never heal, and the people around you will never heal. So I want you to say, I forgive me, and now we're going to be about healing, okay? I want you to close your eyes. We're here on the phone. And anyone listening to this podcast, I want you to close your eyes, and I want you on the phone and anyone listening to this podcast i want you to close your eyes and i want you to picture i don't know um a monkey on a motorcycle okay just a monkey on a motorcycle and i want it to have like a yellow hat

curious george style and i want you to um the i don't know, I want the motorcycle to have like a little side cart on it, right? You got that in your mind? Yeah. Okay, so open your eyes. You have just proven to me and to all the people listening to this, and there's a lot of people listening, that you can, when you decide to, you can control your thoughts. And so what you're going to have to do is this.

You're going to have to retrain your brain to not focus on those moments. And it's going to sound something like this. You're going to be driving along and you're going to hit a pothole. And your body is going to remember, your amygdala, your brain is going to remember, oh, I remember what that means. And it's going to flood you. It's going to make it where your stomach's all warm and your heart starts racing. That cortisol and adrenaline is going to dump into your body. Your hands are going

to get sweaty. And you're going to remember that little boy's foot. You're going to remember something unique about that situation. And I want you in that moment to go, nope. Right? And then here's what I want you to do. I want you to remember him at his house playing after he was okay. You get to choose which one of those thoughts you dwell on. And your brain has a vested interest in you dwelling on the bad stuff because it doesn't want that to happen again. And it's not going to happen again because you're going to be a safe driver. You're going to recognize that was a one in a trillion accident.

The kids shoot out from behind people in parking lots all the time in ball field, you know, ball field parking lots, and that you're going to choose to think of something positive about him. And my promise to you is over time, you will readjust that default setting in your brain. Okay. It will recognize, oh, it doesn't need me to protect myself from that anymore. Promise to you is over time, you will readjust that default setting in your brain. Okay? It will recognize, oh, it doesn't need me to protect myself from that anymore. The second thing is I want you to go to that parking lot with a friend that you trust when there's nobody there on a Sunday afternoon, on a Monday morning. And I want you to practice driving in and parking and backing up and parking. But listen, in the nerd world, they call it exposure therapy, right?

I don't think you need a therapist to do this. I think you need to get a friend with you. You got to have somebody and probably not your husband because he's going to try to teach you what you're doing wrong. You need a friend just to be with you, right? And I want you to go there and back up and pull in. And then I want you to back up and pull in. And if you need to get out of the car and take a walk, great. You're going to have a friend with you.

If you need to yell and scream and cry and swear and do all the things, great. You have a friend with you. If y'all need to jam on some old Motley Crue records, whatever y'all have to do in that moment, but I want you to practice. And I want you to do this a friend with you. If y'all need to jam on some old Motley Crue records, whatever y'all have to do in that moment. But I want you to practice, and I want you to do this a couple of times. And then when you feel comfortable – comfortable is not a good word. When you feel safe, not comfortable because it's going to be uncomfortable for a while, I want you to drive your son to practice and park as far away from possible at the very, very back of a parking lot.

And you are going to slowly ease your way back into this. And when you do, you're going to constantly be monitoring your thoughts for truth. Right. Okay. I want, when you have those feelings that you're a bad driver, you're a terrible person, what kind of idiot neighbor or mom would fill in the blank. I want you to demand evidence from those feelings because they lie to you. Okay. Okay. They lie to you. And so in review, I want you to decide, and this is, this is on your timetable, but my guess is your husband loves you. Your kids love

you and they're ready to have their mom back. And my guess is that you're ready to have you back. You decide that this is not going to be your identity. You are not the worst thing that you've ever done. You're not. And that you want to heal. You're going to let yourself out of the prison that you've placed yourself. Okay. Number two, I want you to start practicing controlling those thoughts and it's going to be a pain and it's going to be hard. Um, but, and it's going to be a pain, and it's going to be hard, and it's a daily thing, right? And then the number three, I want you to get a friend or two, make an event of it, and I want you to go when that parking lot is empty and practice driving in and backing up until you can do it to where your heart rate is just normal. And then the final thing is I want you to take your son to practice and park as far away from everybody as possible in the far corner of that parking lot and you're going to slowly ease yourself back into this. Okay? Very few

people will be watching and staring at you and you think they're all going to be remembering you as the lady that did XYZ. They're not. They're worried about their own drama, their own election nonsense or their own COVID. They're worried about that stuff. Okay? Yeah. So when I tell you those four things, how does that hit you in your heart?

Scary initially, but yeah, scary. But I think that would help just, you know, I can see how that would help to go there when nobody's there and it's not so similar, you know, and try to kind of work through that and, you know, controlling my thoughts and not letting my thoughts get away from me. Lauren, you've got to let you off the hook. You are the last person to forgive you. And today is that day. Okay? So when we get off this call, I can hear it on you.

I can hear it on you. When we get off this call The first thing I want you to do Is to go into your bedroom Or go into a home office Or go into your garage And I want you to write yourself a letter That says

I forgive you And I want you to address it to you You got it? Okay Yeah You do not deserve To carry this around to you for the rest of your life. It happened.

You've been forgiven. You've got to forgive you. Yeah. Okay? Yeah. That's where healing starts. In this together? Yeah.

Yeah. Awesome. Yep. So here's what I want you to do. After you go to the parking lot a few times, I want you to email me back. I want you to call me and let me know how that went. I want to know how your heart was racing, how your friend was cheering you on or making fun of you, if they're a friend like I have, and laughing. I want to know how that went.

But I know you can do it. And for crying out loud, Lauren, you've got to forgive you. And everyone listening to this, everybody is involved in accidents. Everyone does things that they wish they could have back. They all make mistakes. And we just live in this world where nobody forgives each other anymore, especially ourselves. And that's got to stop because you just live out of your pain. Then you live out of these bricks in your backpack that you're the only one putting them in there so lauren set the backpack down write yourself a letter today that says dear lauren this happened

and i'm sorry and i forgive you you're a good mom you're a good wife you're going to heal from this and the healing starts today with letting you off the hook. Awesome, awesome. Thank you so much for that call. All right, let's go to Rebecca in Tampa, Florida. Rebecca, what is up? Hi, Dr. John. Thank you for taking my call.

Thank you for calling. How are you? Pretty good. Excellent, excellent. I definitely have an interesting question for you. All right, bring it on. Let's do it. So my husband and I are really at a crossroads with my in-laws and family. My niece, who's a very young minor, recently gave birth to a baby with her boyfriend, who's also a minor.

How young minor? 15. Okay. Yes. It's a very complicated and tough situation. Right now the mother, my niece, is trying to decide what to do with the child. What is... Okay, go ahead, go ahead.

Sorry. That's probably another call yeah the crossroads is that um there are a couple options on the table and a few of them are very um tough um maybe possibly even unsafe options for the baby. And my husband and I don't know how involved to get to fight for, you know, the best situation for the child. So if there is less than optimal situations or things that you wouldn't do. That's one thing. If there's ever in any circumstance, in any neighborhood, in any home, in any family system, a situation where a kid is not safe, then my expectation is that every adult in the neighborhood, in the family, walking down the

street, every stranger goes into that situation, kicking and screaming on behalf of that child. That's my two cents on that. So give me an example of what you feel is uncomfortable or a little bit weird to being kind of vague. So walk me through a couple of situations here. Okay. So the first option is that my sister-in-law has offered to adopt the baby. She still is at home with her parents and a couple other of her siblings that are in their mid to late 30s. One of them struggles with substance abuse and is really, really deep in that. It's been many, many years and is not someone that I would consider safe around children or babies especially. Okay.

He's known to be violent with animals, never been abusive towards a kid that we know of, but has also never lived with one. Sure. So that's situation number one. Okay. So they're going to be, and I want to parse that out real quick. She might get adopted by her sister, right? Sister-in-law. Sister-in-law.

Or her boyfriend's sister, right? No, so it's my niece's aunt, my sister-in-law. Okay, okay, your sister-in-law. Okay, so she might get adopted there into a house where there's a bunch of adults living there, which wouldn't be how you would draw it up, but isn't necessarily a bad thing. There's lots of families that have lots of interesting intergenerational dynamics and people coming and going, and that may not be how I draw it up, but I'm not always have a problem with that, particularly there's lots of different ways culturally that families live together,

and that's beautiful and it's okay for how they choose to do it. It's not how I do it, but it's how they do it. But then you added another thing, which is there's somebody there that's an addict, that's got violence history towards animals, is not a safe guy, and you were worried about a baby being put in that environment. Okay, so that's number one. What's the second one? Yep. they're encouraging her to go out on her own and raise the child, which is scary for us because, I mean, her and her boyfriend, they are both very young and they both come from broken homes

and haven't had a great example of what it should look like to raise a child. I mean, that's a really tough road to hoe for a 15-year-old girl by herself out on her own. Are you all in a position to take her in? What's your solution to that challenge? Well, so we live very far away um we have offered to adopt the baby um we would not um at this time be interested in taking them in as a a unit all uh three of them the boyfriend the mother and the baby um but that is i that's, as far as we've sort of been able to come up with, there doesn't really seem to be, I mean, it's such an emotionally

intense situation. What do people say when you offered to, you and your husband offered to adopt the baby, what was the response? Well, so it was communicated to my in-laws, not to the mother directly, because it's only been a couple days since birth. She's still recovering from a slightly traumatic birth. But response, good from one, maybe not so much from the other, because they don't want the baby too far away. Sure.

So I fully support you adopting the baby if that's what y'all want to do. I fully support you guys having her and the baby move in because then at that point you're basically adopting a teenager and that little baby. So you're becoming a grandma, right, instead of an adoptive mother. I fully support you not having all three of them move in. I don't want two teenagers who are not married living in my house raising a kid because then you've got children raising a child, and it's going to get messy, messy, messy, messy. And family members of his side are going to come out of the woodwork, right,

and when they start to find out about this baby baby and it's just going to be a mess. As far as you know of that baby possibly going to live in a situation where there's an addict and there's safety concerns, there's violence in that home, there's adults coming and going, particularly drug trafficking coming and going, dude, I'm going to go bang and yell and be loud with one caveat. If you and your husband have had a hard conversation about, do we want to expand our family and this is going to be that baby, then you have emotionally invested in that baby. And the temptation is to start looking at every other situation as less than what you would do and less than what you would give.

And there comes a moment when you start imposing your values and your judgments on everything else because, quote unquote, that's my baby now. And anything less than that baby coming to your house is a loss for you guys, right? And so if y'all have gone through that hard conversation, less about we're going to rescue that baby and more we're going to expand our family. And those are two totally separate conversations um because one you rescue the baby then you figure out what to do later like i'm getting that baby out of a burning building right now and then we're going to figure it out the other is no i'm committing to the next for the

rest of my life i'm the baby's mother i'm going to adopt her and raise her as my own. And in conjunction with her 15-year-old mother, you are making a decision to have a complex, enriched, beautiful, challenging life, which is honorable and noble and extraordinary. But you have to temper that with other situations that might have to happen to that baby, right? And so there's a difference between having an uncle that smokes weed and there's – that's not, that's against the law and dumb. And I don't like that around my kid. And then there's a difference between someone's violent and they are an addict and they are bringing hard drugs into this house. And they are, does that make sense? You know what I mean? So it's just tempering your heart and your plan for moving forward. And so I am a thousand percent on board. If the baby's going to go to an unsafe situation, go for it. If the baby is, if y'all want to adopt this child, y'all have to go and be very, very vocal and be very direct and probably get in a car and tell

people that you're coming and you want to have a hard conversation about this baby and meet with the 15 year old and the 15 year old's mother and the 15-year-old's mother and the 15-year-old's father if he's still in the picture because this is still a minor, right? And at the end of the day, sometimes you got to let the beginning part of this play out knowing that we're going to pick this baby up in foster care because they're going to try a scenario one or scenario two and it's not going to work and the baby's going to be welcome to come live with us. And it's a hard, messy family situation. But don't hesitate ever. If you think that that baby's not safe, is not going to be okay, that you don't reach out to the authorities right away. Get super involved. Get other people who know what they're doing super involved

right away. But it's noble that you want to be a part of this baby's life. A 15-year-old is still a child. A 15-year-old is still a child. And they need to be honored like a child, even though they're now thrust into adulthood. So have a hard conversation with your husband and go make your move. I appreciate you, Rebecca. That's hard. That's really hard. And I appreciate you, Rebecca. That's hard. That's really hard.

And I appreciate you guys wanting to be involved in it. Make sure you temper your desire for this baby, desire to rescue this kid and to raise this kid with it. He may or she may end up in other situations. They're going to look different, but may not be terrible. But if they are terrible, call the Calvary. All right, let's go to one last call here. Let's go to James in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. What's up? Hey, Dr. Deloney, let's go to one last call here. Let's go to James in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. What's up? Hey, Dr. Deloney. How are you doing this morning? I'm doing good, my man.

How can I help? Just first off, wanted to tell you how much I'm loving the show so far. It's been a great addition to the Ramsey Network. Thank you so much, brother. I appreciate it. So I just had more of a brief question uh where i was wondering if you could provide some clarification you got it what's up uh i was wondering at what point do you simply go from hustling to get ahead to becoming a workaholic especially for those of

us that are in baby step four and beyond as well as if you are a workaholic and have stepped over that line, how do you break that addiction to work? Okay. So for those who don't know what baby steps are, I'm going to put it in the show notes here. He's talking about Dave Ramsey's baby steps to get out of debt. And the first three steps are recognizing you got a problem and getting an emergency fund together and then running like crazy. He calls it gazelle intense to get out of debt, pay things off.

And then you want to get an emergency fund so that if things happen, not if, when things happen, you're going to borrow from yourself, not from a credit card. And you never have to be in debt. You never have to be a slave to somebody else, to some big company, to some department store ever again. So then when you get into baby step four, right, like James is talking about here,

baby step four is starting to save for retirement. I'm going to pay my house completely off. I'm saving for my kid's college. And so what we find often, James, is that folks get gazelle intense and they're hustling, right? You got a side job, you got two jobs, you got three jobs because you're doing everything you can to get the debt paid off as fast as possible. And then that hustle becomes a way of life. You get to where you start running everywhere, right? And at some point that stress destroys your relationships and destroys you.

Fair? Yep. Okay. So here's how I delineate the two. Hustling has a goal to it. I'm going to try to pay this stuff off. I'm going to have a second and a third job so that I can get that emergency fund

so that I can finally be safe. I'm going to picture a be safe. I'm going to picture a gazelle and I'm going to sprint through this land where there are lions until I can get on high ground where I can see all around me and then I can stop for a second and rest and eat and rejoin my community, right? A workaholic is somebody who is making their identity by how busy they are it's an addiction it's the same addiction as alcohol as food as like sex and pornography addiction is addiction is addiction is addiction and so the way i would tell you James, that you know you have crossed the line between hustling and workaholic, that you are addicted to busyness, is when you shift from working with a partner, with an accountability person, with your spouse, towards a common goal. We're going to live in a crazy season and pay all this junk off.

My wife and I did that. We sold our house, moved into a residence hall. We paid off, I think it was $106,000 in a year, year and a half. We went nuts. I was working three jobs. She was working one full-time job. And we had a two-year-old. And we lived in a residence hall in a dorm.

We sucked it up for a crazy sprint. And then we couldn't keep living like that. If you find yourself addicted to work or you're avoiding relationships, where you're staying at work an hour or two later and you're not going home. If when your wife or your kids go to bed, you're looking for another job and another job and another job. And James, I've been there, dude. When you meet somebody and they say, hey, my name is Rick. What's your name? And you say, hey, I'm James. I've been there, dude. When you meet somebody and they say, hey, my name is Rick. What's your name? And you say, hey, I'm James.

The next thing you give is your job. You've got a problem. You are making your identity about what you do, not about who you are. And so when you make your identity about what you do, then the temptation is to be leaning on that all of the time. And I will tell you now, I'll tell everybody this over and over and over, especially men are, are socialized to have their value and their worth beyond what they achieve, what they accomplish. Somebody sent me a Instagram once that was like, you're wrong, Deloney. It's not human beings.

It's human doings. They're only worth what they do. Bull crap. Bull crap on a stick in a box with a bow on it. It's ridiculous. You got value. And when you start using your work to numb feelings, to numb disconnection,

to give you an excuse to not go home, to not go out and be with your friends if you're single, that's when you know you've got an addiction. If you can't go through a weekend without checking your email, if you can't take a vacation, if you haven't taken a vacation in three years and four years, and that's just rolling up and up and up, if you're sick and you go into work anyway, that's when you know. It's an awesome, awesome question, James. We get that a lot here, and I want folks to know who you are is not what you do. Who you are is not how busy you know. It's an awesome, awesome question, James. We get that a lot here,

and I want folks to know who you are is not what you do. Who you are is not how busy you are. That's a crazy, endless way of living your life that only creates graves and punishment for everybody. And good for you, brother. Thank you so much for the call, James. All right, as we wrap up today,

today's song of the day is this. Pulling out my lyrics of the day on my paper. It's from one of my favorite bands of all time. They're not a well-known band, but they're incredible. And this particular record went wholly unnoticed. It was when all the record labels were consolidating and someone under, and this record came out and then went away it's from the 2000 record jesus hits like the atom bomb by one of my favorite bands

of all time trip and daisy the song is called sonic bloom and on election day i don't know when this is coming out but today people are heading to the polls to vote. Here's what I want to remind people. They write, love gets inside of you. It makes me invisible, and I will continue to hang on. Super love, a sonic bloom, a total emotionless excuse. I can't believe it happened to me. The magic's in my heart. Believe me, rushing through my electrical phase,

I found a place to hide when you're away. Almost caught myself a breath. I touched your hand and lost myself instead. Swung my hands up through the air. Northwest skies, I love the way you shine. I want to be just as good. I want to make it better. Love, it gets inside of you.

Woo-hoo! Trippin' Daisy. Let's go forward with love, good folks. This is the Dr. John Deloney Show.