The Dr. John Delony Show - Recovering from Trauma, an Unexpected Pregnancy, & Stepparenting

Episode Date: January 11, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU! Show Notes for this Episode 4:34: How to deal with past traumas 15:12: Teaching Segment: How to Handle Trauma 18:13: I got pregnant after a hookup and the father doesn't know I kept the baby 25:24: My stepdaughter doesn't really feel like I love her even though I truly do 40:58: Lyrics of the Day: "What Is And What Should Never Be" - Led Zeppelin tags: family, trauma/PTSD, parenting, marriage, reconciliation/forgiveness, trauma/PTSD, relationships, adoption These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a wonderful young mom who has an abusive past, and she wants to make sure the cycle stops with her. We also talk to a mom who's expecting a baby, and the dad doesn't know she's still pregnant. And we talk to a dad of a 17-year-old girl who he adopted when she was seven, and they no longer speak.

How can he lean back in, be vulnerable, and reconnect? Stay tuned. Hey, what is up? I'm John, and this is the Dr. John Deloney Show, a show for you, by you, about you. We're talking about your life, your relationships, your kids, your neighbors, the holidays. Figuring out what 2021 is going to look like for you. What you can control, what you can't. I want to help you rethink, re-examine, and reconsider every part of your life. How you talk to yourself, how you talk to those people that you love. How you talk to those people that you hate.

How you interact with people that you kind of like, but they drive you crazy, how to boldly take the next crooked, wobbly step towards finding love again, towards being a person of integrity, towards dealing with loss, towards all of it. We're going to talk about divorce. We're going to talk about getting back together. We're going to talk about dating. We're going to talk about all of it. going to talk about getting back together. We're going to talk about dating. We're going to talk about all of it. So I'm so glad that you're here.

I'm so glad that you've decided, I don't want to be alone anymore. I just want someone to walk alongside me. I'm here and there are, I was going to say millions. There's at least dozens of other people listening to this podcast, right? All over my mom's house and her immediate friend group, right? They're the crew still listening to this thing. So whatever's going on in your heart or your home or your head, I'm here to stand with you. Give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or you

can go to johndeloney.com slash show, fill out the form. It goes to Kelly and her exciting band of good folks and then she will see about getting you on the show. So one thing I want to do before we start taking calls is this. Kelly's pointing towards the calls here. Alright, alright, alright. So I want to get to something positive here in 2021 we're going to start the year off we're what a week or two in i'm going to start with some positivity this notice from tory parker tory parker writes hey dr john i'm writing to send a shout out your way

i'm the oldest daughter of a very dysfunctional marriage that ended in a rocky and nasty divorce a few years ago. I made the decision to not live with either of my parents and try to avoid as much dysfunction as possible. I didn't know where to go, and in comes Mama Stacy. I met her second hand or third hand. Her daughter made a little comment about how cool it would be if I could live with them, so I followed up on that little comment. And nearly two years ago, this beautiful family told me that I could choose any one of their extra bedrooms in the house and stay free of charge. They accepted me and made me part of their family. Early on, Mama Stacy kept asking me what I wanted

from the grocery store. She knew I wasn't eating and I wasn't eating because I didn't have any money to pay for food. When I refused to ask her for things from the grocery store. She knew I wasn't eating, and I wasn't eating because I didn't have any money to pay for food. When I refused to ask her for things from the store, she started keeping an eye out for things I bought for myself, and she started restocking it. For the first time in my life, I can say that I've lived in a functional, though not perfect, family system. These folks accepted me wholeheartedly and loved me generously and unconditionally.

Mama Stacey and Mama Stacey family, I don't know who you are. I don't know where you're from. I don't even know where this call is, where this letter comes from. But Mama Stacey out there, Tori Parker wants to tell you thank you for filling a gap, for stepping in and saying, you're welcome to stay at our home. You're welcome at our table. And even when she didn't have the words to speak for herself, when Tori didn't even know what to ask for, didn't have the courage to ask for the right things, you kept an eye out, you were generous, you were quiet,

and you took care of somebody. If everybody in the world acted like Mama Stacey, we'd be problem free, Kelly and James. We'd be problem free. That's probably not true, but it's fun to say those things out loud, right? All right, let's go straight to the phones today. Let's go to Tiffany in Minot, North Dakota. Is it Minot? Let's see here. Tiffany, how are we doing? Hi, I'm good. So is it Minot? Minot.

Minot. Excellent. All right. Minot, North Dakota. So how in the world are you? I'm good. I'm grateful to get to talk to you, and I'm just looking for some guidance. All right. Bring it on. How can I help? All right. So I'd like to know how to get out of autopilot and really connect with my two girls. I was brought up in an abusive environment. So my examples were rather toxic, but my expectations for myself are kind of romanticized. I know what lack of parental connection has caused in my adulthood for me, and I just don't want that for my girls. Can I tell you you're a rock star? You're super noble and I'm proud of you. Thank you. And I want to ask you, your first question is this.

What about your, what you envision for your daughters is a fantasy? Why do you say they're unrealistic? I wouldn't say they're unrealistic, but they're kind of, I just figured things would be easier. You know, before parenthood, you're always told, oh, you're going to make such a good mom. You're going to do amazing things. They just don't tell you how hard it is, right? No, right. Suckers. They all lie to us. I'm the same boat, right? So tell me about your childhood. Well, I grew up in a physically, emotionally abusive home, mostly my late father. My mom took on more of a father figure when he passed and just went to work and she knocked it out.

She's an amazing woman. She just really didn't have that time to, you know, foster a healthy emotional connection with us kids. So I really don't know how to do that for my girls. Did you grieve your dad's passing? I don't know that I have fully. I mean, I was a teenager, so it was kind of just getting through my teenage years, you know, and my environment was kind of survival for the most part. Okay. Did you go to his funeral? I did, but I didn't view him. I just felt like I couldn't at the time. So this is all related, okay? But I want you to, when you have some time, and I want you to make an afternoon of it by yourself,

okay? Are you married now? I am. Okay, so I want you to ask your husband for the afternoon off from the kids. And I want you to go somewhere by yourself, and I want you to write your dad a letter. And I want you to let him know that you, as a mom of two young kids, how you're doing, I want you to let him know how he hurts you and that he's not able to hurt you anymore.

And then I want you to let him know who you are becoming out of that pain. Okay? And that will probably be the hardest letter you've ever had to write and the hardest season, the hardest six-hour block of your life outside of the actual abuse itself. But here's what I need you to do. I need you to let him go.

I need you to unhook him from the mom you are trying to become, the mom that you already are, let's be honest. You're doing a way better job than you even think you are trying to become, the mom that you already are, let's be honest, you're doing a way better job than you even think you are. But I want you to unhook him and completely disentangle yourself from that guy. Okay? Okay. And then when it comes to setting up new tools, new behaviors, new things that you can do to connect with your kids. How old are your children? They're four and five. Okay.

So tell me about them. Are they awesome? They're super wonderful. We homeschool. This is our first year homeschooling. How did that go? We tried it this year, and it was like a dumpster fire in a horse manure factory. It was not great. How's yours, guys? Y'all are doing well?

Yeah, my girls, they are eager learners. They're really curious, so it's actually been fun to learn with them. I can hear you smiling through the phone. I am. This brought you joy, huh? Yes. Okay, so what ways do you think you're not connecting with them? I just feel like a lot of my daily tasks, they're just that, you know, I, I touch them all the time, but it, when I brush their hair, when, you know, I'm, you know, putting lotion on after a bath or those kind of things. And I just want to know that they're meaning something.

Yeah. So you, I want to go back to what I said earlier. You got to let this guy go. This guy being your dad, and I'm calling him this guy on purpose. He was your, he fathered you, but he was not a dad to you. You got to let him go. And here's why. You're doing a great job.

And there's something really important about letting your kids know they matter. And there's something really important about letting them know that they don't run your life too. It's important that they see you work. It's important that you say things like, mommy has to do these projects and I need y'all to go in this room by yourself away from me for a while. And that way they learn boundaries and they learn personal responsibility and they learn to self-soothe and they learn to play with one another. They learn how to be bored, which is a skill that we have just robbed our children of. And you've got to learn, and this is going to be hard.

Children are resilient. You're going to have, you are too. You're going to have to learn how to do things without them in the room. You're going to have to learn to have your own joy and your own marriage and your own fill in the blank without them. Without that sense of guilt that you're not contributing to them. There's an hour where you weren't pouring into them. Does that make sense? Oh, absolutely.

You're going to have to let yourself, you're going to have to let Tiffany off the hook there. Yeah. Right? Yeah, yeah, I can see that. What kind of support do you have? Is your husband a good guy? Oh, he's amazing. He is a great father to them, really involved, and he is a good teammate for me.

He does work a lot, and we do live in a rather small rural community. But he's plugged in there with you? He's plugged in, yes. That's awesome. So when you describe yourself to somebody, do you describe yourself as, do you think of yourself as a trauma survivor, as an abuse survivor, or do you think of yourself as a really awesome mom, an awesome wife, a great partner to a great guy? What's the thoughts in your head? I mean, it depends on the day. I mean, I do believe that I try my hardest with the tools that I have.

I just don't feel equipped to be the wife and mom that I'd really like to be. Have you seen a counselor before? No. Okay. So that might be helpful. Here's, to learn new strategies as your daughters grow up, when they reach certain ages, when your abuse, that when you remember it, you're going to have some different sorts of responsibilities, some different sorts of memories, some different sorts of flashbacks, right? So those things happen.

It'd be good to check in with somebody. But one of the ugly, ugly things of abuse is one of the ugly things of growing up in the home of an addict, one of the ugly things about growing up not connected to adults is that you go around feeling like you are causing everyone else problems, that everyone else is struggling because you're not holding up your end of the bargain. And that's what's so exhausting existentially and personally about growing up in a world where there's abuse is you're trying to fix everybody. You're trying to help everybody else. And you just always feel that hollow sense

that I'm not worthy. And I need you to hear me say, you are not the worst thing that's ever happened to you. You are not a, you're not that same little girl that was told you're worthless and that was abused. You're an awesome, awesome mom. I could hear you on the phone smiling. You know how many people I've talked to this year that were homeschooling that I could hear them smiling? Zero. You're the only one. You're the only one.

Your daughters are so, so, so, so lucky to have you so so so so lucky to have you they're so lucky to have you your husband's lucky to have you you're lucky to have one another and so I want you to go do the hard hard work I want you to write that letter I want you to let that guy go think of him in a small

tiny boat like a little sailboat and I need need you to let him out to sea. The way he treated you, what he did to you, the way he talked to you, the way he cost your mom her ability to connect with you, all of that is not your fault. And all of that ends today. So you have blessed this show by calling, Tiffany. Dealing with trauma is hard. And you have done your work. You must have had people pour into you.

You must have worked your butt off. You must be surrounded by people who love you because you're a shining example of what life looks like on the other side of trauma. And there is another side, an integrated other side to trauma. Here's a couple of things. If you are wrestling with trauma, right, doesn't matter how long you haven't dealt with things, how long you have dealt with things. Here's a couple of things you need to know about dealing with trauma. Okay. Number one, you have to acknowledge the trauma. You need to not only know the facts, but also those feelings because those feelings start to attach themselves to other things. For instance, you're a little girl and there is somebody sexually abusing you

or physically abusing you as a little girl. Then 25 years later, that manifests itself and I'm not a good mom. I'm not doing just enough, right? You can put in a whole day of homeschooling your kids, being a great connected wife, running a side business, going to work as an attorney and then coming home and taking care of these business, these things or whatever it happens to be. But that nagging, that feeling that I'm not a good mom, that's attached all the way back to that little girl who's still trying to figure out why the one guy on planet Earth who was supposed to defend and love her decided to hurt her, right? So you got to acknowledge not only the facts, but also the feelings.

If you don't process what's going on, it's just going to hang on to you for the rest of your life. Number two, you got to find connection. You can only process trauma with other people, right? Whether it's a group of nurses huddled up every day before a shift or an online resources group or a group of people who have been through the same sort of trauma or a great husband and a counselor, set of parents, whoever it may be, you've got to process trauma in a group, right? And you've got to have, number three, you've got to honor and be a good steward of your heart

and your mind and your body. And this is where discipline comes in. There's going to be many, many days you don't want to, you don't feel like it, you don't have it in you. And you have to get up and walk. You have to eat right. You have to exercise. These are the non-negotiables. And folks, I've been there when I didn't want to get out of bed. When I thought to myself, I cannot get out of bed. And those voices over time, I stopped letting them have a vote. It's not because I'm tough. It's not because I'm jocko.

It's just because they didn't get a vote. Because I knew that my kids, my wife, me, my community, they deserved all of me. Okay? And then unplug, get off the electronics, connect with people, and then go be brave. Bravery is the word, right? Bravery is the word. I don't know the outcome. I don't know the outcome. I don't know what's going to happen at the end of this thing,

but I'm going to jump with both feet anyway. That's when you go be brave. So, Tiffany, it's an honor to have been able to speak with you today. I'm glad that you called. You're a great mom. Keep going. Take care of yourself. Let that guy go.

Find a group, even in that tiny little rural town. Find a counselor if you can, even if you've got to make a drive. And stay connected to that awesome husband of yours. Good for you. All right, let's go to Nicole in Tampa, Florida. Nicole, how are we doing? I'm doing well, thank you. How are you?

I'm doing outstanding. So what can I do to help today? So I dated somebody briefly for about two months. I got pregnant. I told him very early on when I was about two weeks along and his response was I had to get an abortion. There was no other option. And I initially considered it out of fear for about one or two days and had asked him for support. And he just said, you know, you have my support and it's to get an abortion. So I knew. And so I decided not to get one. And I'm now five months pregnant. And I don't know if I should tell him now or tell him after the baby is born.

I really don't know how to approach this. Number one, I want to applaud you for following your heart on this one. And I want to applaud you for doing the hardest thing possible. Thank you. Are you going to have a girl or a boy? I'm having a girl. Have you already thought of a name? I've thought of a million names.

Very cool. My wife says you can't name somebody until you see them. So we'll see. You don't have to disclose the name on the air here. So here's my thought. I think he's got a right to know. Okay. I think he needs to know that he's about to be a dad because he's got some responsibilities. He's got some financial responsibilities. He's got some, or he needs to sign all that stuff away

through official channels. But I do believe that he has a right to know that he's got a baby coming into the world. That baby has a right to know that he's got a mom and a dad. Even if they're not together, that baby needs the love of both of those parents. And so I think that's the right thing to do. Is this guy going to be an idiot and throw a temper tantrum and be unsafe? Or is he going to be all in? What is your opinion? What do you think he's going to do? I really have no idea. I really thought he was a great guy. He's a great father to his other two children,

and this is just not in his life plan, and I think he's just being very selfish. But this was really a surprise to me that he reacted this way, so I don't feel like I can read his response to this. Okay. And I'm obviously very deeply hurt by this, so I don't want my feelings to get in the mix of this and make matters worse. I really want to have a good co-parenting relationship, so I guess I'm just really

nervous about bringing this up with him, but... Y'all are still together, are you? No. Okay. just really nervous about bringing this up with him but y'all are still together are you no okay we pretty much broke up at that point when he told me to get an abortion so y'all just hooked up for a few weeks essentially and then you got pregnant this yeah it was about two months of dating okay okay yeah i would set up a coffee with him please for, for the love of 2021, all 2021 is depending on you not doing this one thing, okay? Okay. Nicole, don't text him this stuff. Okay.

Don't email him this stuff. Have a meeting with him in a restaurant in person, and obviously he'll see you and he'll know right away, right? Well, I don't know if you're showing in five months. I'm looking. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet? Okay. Well, let him know that you're going to be a dad and you decided to keep the baby and that just what you told me, you've seen him be a great father. You've seen him be plugged in with his own kids and you were hurt by his initial response, his initial demands, if you will, but you're keeping this

baby, you want to co-parent with him, you want him in this baby's life, and that you need him to step up and do the right thing, because he's having a baby whether he wants to or not. Okay. Do you feel at peace with that? Do you feel good with that response? Yeah, I typically trust my own intuition, and I was really torn on this one as to whether or not I should just lay low and let him find out. I really didn't know how to approach this one,

so I really appreciate you taking my question. Oh, you bet. I appreciate you calling. Is this your first baby? No. I'm a single parent to an eight-year-old. So that was my initial fear is, you know, raising another kid as a single parent. And that's why I initially considered abortion, even though it was against my beliefs.

But I knew I just couldn't make that decision out of fear. Good deal. Have you told your eight-year-old? Yeah, she's very excited. Very cool. So I'm going to give you one hint about your eight-year-old that a counseling professor mentor of mine passed along, and it was magic in my house. Okay? Okay. This comes from Dr. Aretha Marbley, who's one of the smartest minds I've ever been able to learn from.

And she said, start referring to the unborn baby as her baby to your eight-year-old sister okay okay so or say your baby is really or your little sister is really going to love meeting you your little sister is going to need a lot of support. I, your mommy, am going to need you to step up big because your little sister, this baby we're having, and what that language does is kids are desperate for ownership. They're desperate for participation and they get months of this apprehension. You can put her hand on your belly and let her feel it when she starts kicking. All those cool things, but she will begin to take ownership.

And you hear a lot about sibling rivalry and I lost my mom because she had a new baby. In my house, I rolled my eyes and said, all right, I'll try it. It was magic. It was magic. And my daughter has ended up with the coolest, best big brother you could imagine

do they fight like morons yes are they loud and screechy and yes but i tell you what that that ownership that my son feels over his little sister is really something to behold so it's beautiful um and so that's that's your that's your other free advice, right? You didn't even call for that one. But yeah, dad's got a right to know and dad needs to have an opportunity to stand up and do the right thing. And I think by letting him know that you believe in him, you've seen him do it once, you've seen him do it twice, and that you want to be a great co-parent with him, you want him involved in this young girl's life, give him the opportunity to do the right thing. And if not, then there may be legal obligations here, but he's got a financial responsibility.

But hopefully, bigger than just a financial responsibility, is he's got the human, the integrity, the fathering responsibility, being a dad to this little girl. All right, let's take one more call. Let's go to Rene in El Paso, Texas. Rene, what's going on? Hey, how you doing, John? Very good. Is Rene, did I say it right?

That's correct. Excellent, excellent. All right, so what's going on? How can I help? Today I'm calling. I need help in navigating the relationship between myself and my 17-year-old daughter. Okay. So I'll give you a little bit of background. So I met my wife back in 2010, and she was a seven-year-old at the time from a previous relationship my wife had

where the dad was never really involved okay and they were both living with my mother-in-law and pretty much that's all my daughter knew so they were pretty close my wife and I dated and got married the following year and I adopted her you know it wasn't a question of if I was or I wasn't hey R, can I stop you right there? Sure. You're a stud, dude. Thank you. I just want to stop and acknowledge that I'm grateful for you, that men like you are out there and willing to not only fall in love and get married, but is going to take that next step and make this seven-year-old, this eight-year-old a part of a full family. Kudos to you, brother. That's awesome. All right, continue. All right. So I'm in the military and shortly after we got married in 2011, we received orders to move overseas. And pretty much when we did this,

we left my mother-in-law in California. During our first year there, we had a baby. And during this time, my mother-in-law, who had depression for a while, passed away due to lung cancer. And my daughter and my mother-in-law were extremely close. They were best friends. So it really took a toll on her. During this time, obviously, you know, moving, adjusting to a new sibling, she also had kind of feelings that she didn't fit in at school. Sure. The reason I say this is because she's a mixed kid. My wife's white, a Mexican, and my

daughter is half black. Okay. So, I mean, I'm pretty sure you've dealt with stuff like this. You know, she's not going to be accepted by the white kids. And sometimes, you know, she was struggling because she wasn't black enough to be with the black kids from what my daughter would tell me, you know? Absolutely. And was she in a Dodd school overseas? Correct. Okay. So, we saw a family therapist for about two and a half years with not a lot of change.

You know, everyone she saw, she didn't really like. She didn't really try to open up to them, you know. And I figured that was the case because, you know, all this stuff will put a lot of pressure on her. But essentially from what me and my wife got, it was she kind of got the role of me against the world. Yep. From what we feel, and she didn't really get over it. Um, so kind of, uh, so we've moved back to, or, uh, we got stationed in El Paso about four years ago and our relationship has had its ups and downs, you know, from really high to really lows. Um, my wife and I have been trying to show her, we love her, but sometimes it seems like it's never enough.

Yeah. So it's kind of like, hey, if it's something that we agree with her or that's fun with her, she loves it, you know, we're the best parents in the world. But if we don't agree with her or if there's other stuff, you know, taking time away from, you know, not the spotlight on her, but just spending time with her. She says that, you know, she's not loved and she's alone. Okay. And for the past couple of years, we've been trying to prepare her

since she got into high school, like, hey, prepare her for adulthood. And, you know, it's been tough to say the least. Right. She is a great kid she gets good grades uh she's very very considerate and loves her siblings so now we just got baby number number four whoa um yes so baby number four in addition to her so you've got five no so she's number or the new baby's baby number four okay excellent okay so uh she's just never been a kid that takes a lot of initiative and stuff like that even if it's for her benefit

sure sometimes it's like pulling teeth but i'm assuming that's uh uh likely with all teenagers uh she has this dream of attending a four-year state college become a psychologist stuff like that but where're you know we just started following dave ramsey a couple of years ago my wife turned me on to it and and you know we're getting there but that for her that means that we're not going to be able to financially help her a whole lot sure so with some of this stuff uh each thing that we've been trying to do just it's kind of met with the resistance. Sure. And right now our relationship,

it's probably the worst it's ever been. You know, she's kind of gaining a voice 17, you know, she knows she wants to move out of the house when she's 18 and, and go to college. It's just one of those things that, you know,

just because we love her, I, I don't want to lie to her or send her on the wrong path. So we don't see eye to eye very much on a lot of her decisions. And right now I'm pretty physically and mentally drained. I don't want to fight with her, but I also don't want to stop being her parent and do things that benefit her. You know, I want to focus instead of building our relationship, obviously. You know, it's just one of those things that right now I just feel I can't reason with emotion sometimes.

And some of the views she has, especially with the cancel type of, you know, mentality. So I think right now for the past month, it's, you know, she's been ignoring me, stuff like that. And I don't know what to do. Man, there's a lot there. So again, this is the second time I'm going to do this in the same call. I want to commend you for being a dad who loves his daughter and is trying to figure it out. And again, you're the noblest of the noble, my man. I thank you for your military service. I thank you for really plugging in and trying to get at the heart of what's gnawing at your daughter here.

Tell me about her mom. So, I mean, mom, she had her when she was in high school, so teenage mom. Okay. My wife was kind of hanging around the wrong crowd, but when she got pregnant at 16, it kind of changed the world for her. And she wanted to be more than what she was doing. She had a dream of being a nurse and just kind of turned it around from there. Very cool. And what's the relationship like between her mom and your daughter? It's pretty much the same because me and my wife are very tight knit.

You know, it's kind of creepy because we're we see I do add on a lot of stuff where, you know, pretty much type A personalities like just, you know, if there's something to get done, let's get it done or, you know, just push ahead. And my daughter is complete opposite. Okay. So I'm going to paint you a full picture and then give you a couple of strategies here. And then we can go from there. And I want to commit to staying in touch with you over the next year or two all right as you weather and navigate this okay so when when somebody rattles off like you just did teen mother father left was never in the picture the cultural challenges of being a biracial kid raised by a third race, by a biracial couple, right, overseas on a military base, and then adding in new siblings one after the other after the other. That's a lot, right?

And you know that, right? But when you put it all together in one picture, the root question that that 17-year-old baby girl of yours is continuing to ask and has been asking since she was old enough to ask questions is, why did my daddy leave me? And that question cannot be answered with facts. It can only be answered with community and connection. And so in steps you, a man who has committed his life to loving this girl in a noble and extraordinary way, so good for you. You have to know that you are playing a long game here, okay? And my guess is the next couple of years are going to be rocky and she needs to boundaries, and she needs to know you cannot ignore your parents in our home. You can't do that.

You don't have permission to do that. You're going to be a person of character. You're going to talk to us when we ask you questions. And also going to war with somebody who is still struggling isn't helpful either. And so here's a couple of things that are just coming to me on top of my head. And you may have some examples. I'd love to hear from you. But what I want to do is set up a regularly scheduled engagement with you and her. And she's got to do this with her mom. Quite honestly, that's the relationship that needs healing. Deep down, she knows what a stud you are, okay? Your daughter knows, she's smart enough to know that you're a good man that came in and provided her and her mom a place to live

and a stable home. And no matter what she says, right now she's being 17, she's testing boundaries, she is all over the place and so on and so forth, but she knows you're good. The person she needs to deeply, deeply connect with is mom. And to your knowledge, have mom and her ever gone out and had the conversation about, here's who I was when I was 15 and 16. Here's some decisions I made. Has mom ever sat down and talked to her about her past and the heartache and how challenging it was? Yes. She's sat down with her a couple of times throughout the years.

Whenever she wants to find out more, either just kind of about her, her dad, her biological dad. Okay. And they've talked, it's just, it's kind of tough,

obviously, especially for, for her. Cause I know it's hard for her. Yeah. They have had those conversations. Okay. So I want to make those types of conversations and more types of conversations.

I want to make that sort of communication a regular practice in your home. And that might be once a week, you've got to go have lunch or breakfast or dinner or whatever with just one of us. And you and your wife can alternate. And you can tell your daughter, no electronics. And you can sit there in silence and just stare at me. But I'm going to come up with a list of questions to check in on you and see how you're doing. And this might mean you are asking her what her three favorite music groups are, and you're going to have to get an MMA mouthpiece and bite down on it and listen to those groups and tell them that you think these are awful or I don't understand this song, help me with this. And what I'm asking you to do is to lean into her world a little bit.

And what that is going to do is show her one key trait that she does not get, she's never been able to get because this meant weakness and this meant somebody else is going to hurt her and you're going to teach her vulnerability. And you're going to teach her not vulnerability doesn't mean you can run all over me and vulnerability doesn't mean you don't have accountability and vulnerability doesn't mean that you can just do whatever you want because you're 17 and I don't want to make you mad

and it doesn't mean that your 17 year old is suddenly going to be like oh you know what that's not going to happen either but you're teaching her a skill, you're teaching her a trait that is relationship looks like somebody doing something uncomfortable even as little as

I'll listen to your music, but oh man, or we're going to read a book together, or we're going to go, I'm going to watch whatever weird movie you want me to watch, but we're going to go to breakfast and we're going to talk about it. So these breakfasts are non-negotiable, right? You live in my house, this is going to be part of those. And she's 17, so she may be out in a year. So you don't have a ton of time. That's why I say, usually I would say once a month, but you're running out of time. And so I would say every week. And offline, I would ask you and your wife to commit to listening more at these lunches, at these breakfasts and talking less, giving less advice and leaning in more. Get to know your daughter. And I know that you already

know her. I know they've had some hard conversations before, but I want you to invest in letting her voice be heard because here's what she's going to do. She's going to practice letting her voice be heard. And right now it feels like emotion. It feels like jumbled up mess inside that 17 year old head. And she's dealing with all of this stuff, starting with, my dad didn't even care enough about me to stick around. He didn't care enough to meet me. And I'm not African-American enough over here. I'm not white enough over here.

Well, now I don't even speak the language because I'm overseas. Or I'm just hanging out with a bunch of military brat kids. And now I'm back and I got three kids in the house. What in the world? I can't wait to just get out of here. Right? Most of the time when a 17 year old says, I just want to get, just get out of here. That's not, they don't mean that. What they're saying is I just want to belong. I want to matter. I want to have a role in this home. And right now, all of this pain, all of this confusion is too much for my 17-year-old mind. I just want to run. I just want to run.

I just want to get out of here. And that's where you showing vulnerability, leaning into that baby girl, saying this is what it looks like. It looks like paying for a meal. Everybody drops their shoulders. There's no mad. There's no frustrated.

There's, all right, what's your three favorite groups? We're getting into this Tell me some things about you that I don't know What's the funniest thing that happened? Hey, I thought of three hilarious things that happened to me when I was a kid that I've never even shared with you That looks like your wife being really really vulnerable And telling her what her relationship with her mom and dad were like And how she's trying so hard to be a different kind of mom. And what we're looking for is connection points out of vulnerability.

That's a lot. And here's the thing. I said it earlier and I kind of blew over it. You are playing a long game now. 17, 18, if she packs up and moves out at 18 and she runs, she says, I'm out of here. She'll be back. Continue to love her.

Continue to write letters to her so she can hold those letters and read them and see them and feel them. And she'll keep them. Continue to hold your boundaries firm, but continue to let that girl know that she's loved. Oh, Renee, I want you to have that initial conversation and I want you to have that first breakfast, that first lunch, and then I want you to call me back because I want to know how it went. And it may, dude, it may be a disaster. It may be awful, but it may be a tiny baby step in the right direction. All right. So thanks, brother. Thanks for calling. As we wrap up today, the song of the day, man, this is a legend. It's a classic.

It's one of the greatest songs ever written. It's the greatest song ever written. It's from, it's an album almost as creatively titled as the Dr. John Deloney show. It's titled Two. From the 1969 album Two by the one and only Led Zeppelin. The song, it's awesome, but I just don't even know what it means. It's called What Is and What Should Never Be. And Robert Plant sings like this.

And if I say to you tomorrow, take my hand, child, come with me. It's to a castle I will take you, where what's to be, they say will be. Catch the wind, see us spin, sail away and leave today way up high in the sky, but the wind won't blow. You really shouldn't go. It only goes to show that you will be mine by taking our time. See, I don't know what this means,

but it's awesome. And if you say to me tomorrow, oh, what fun it will be, it would be. Then what's to stop us pretty baby but what is and what should never be what has been is the dr john deloney show thank you so much i'll see you soon