The Dr. John Delony Show - Repairing Relationships, Parenting Challenges, & Newlywed Drama

Episode Date: October 21, 2020

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that gives you real talk on life, relationships and mental health challenges. Through humor, grace and grit, John gives you the tools you need to cut through the chaos of anxiety, depression and disconnection. You can own your present and change your future—and it starts now. So, send us your questions, leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291, or email [e-mail]. We want to talk to YOU! Show Notes for this Episode 4:39: How do I repair my relationship with my grown kids after damaging our relationship when they were younger 17:30: My 2-year-old has reverted back to breastfeeding since we recently had a baby 29:40: How do I deal with hurt feelings from something my child said? 38:18: How do I deal with with my wife triggering me in our new marriage? 49:24: Lyrics of the day: "Stand By Me" - Ben E. King tags: forgiveness, family relationships, parenting, reconciliation, breastfeeding, boundaries, raising kids, divorce, newlyweds, marriage, conflict These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Hey, what's up? On today's show, we're going to be talking about kids. We're going to be talking about an older mom who's looking back and wants to reconnect with her children. Talking about a mom who's struggling with her newborn. We're going to be talking about a mom who is hurt by her 10-year-old and what she can do about it. And at the very end, we're going to talk to a husband

who's trying to love his wife better. This is an awesome show. Stay tuned. Yo, yo, good folks. This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show, show for you and about you and by you. We're talking about mental health, wellness. We're talking about hope and honesty, your marriage, your relational IQ. We're talking about people who are still surprised when they're going into restaurants and they see somebody with a temperature, like the little thermometer, the little electronic thing that they beam at your forehead like we're in Star Trek, and they still act surprised.

Or schools or Toys R Us. I don't even know if Toys R Us is a store anymore, but everyone just acts surprised that people are taking your temperature. Can we all just move on? It's a thing. It's super happening. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. The government told my granddad, you're going to get on a bus in Texas and we're going to drive you to San Diego. And then the government told my granddad, you're going to get off that bus and you're going to get on a boat. And then the government told my granddad, you're going to take that boat to the other side of the world and fight in a war. And then if you come home, that'll be awesome. And then the government told my dad, you're going to go to the mailbox every week and you're going to see if you got a lottery number that's going to send you halfway across the world to fight communism. And so far the government has asked me

to take an old bandana or a converted bra or like something I can buy in Walgreens and put it on my face and then sit at home. And so I think we can all just take a couple of Xanax, dial it back a notch or two, and everyone just go, if that's what they're asking us to do, then I think we're all good right now. I think we're all good. Let's all just shake it off. Let them point the Star Trek thing in our heads and then we can go eat our burgers. Everybody just bring it down a notch or two. So if I can help, if I can help, call me 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. I'm just about common sense. I mean, I will get riled up. We'll get riled up. There's a few things that make me get fired up and there's a few things that make me go.

That's fine. I mean, if that's what you're asking me to do, I'm cool with that. I'm not somebody who thinks we're going to be trading bullets and coffee for food in the next few weeks. And that may, that may also deserve its own subreddit thread, but I just don't think that's where we're headed. I trust people. And I think at the end of the day, we're doing the best we can with what we've got. So let's all just cheer up. You can email me at askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. We can't cheer up. Can't you see what's happening? Yes, I see what's happening. I promise I do. But I also promise just scrolling and being angry and emailing everybody about it or thumbs-upping or thumbs-downing the crap out of people.

Come on. Come on. Put the old bandana on. Go to the mall, whatever it is. Put that weird bra thing that you made on Pinterest or whatever. I don't know what it is you're doing for your masks. Just let's move on. All right.

So email me at askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. Oh my gosh, I'm sending a card and a letter to him right now. Send it. That's fine. I'm going to send a mean email. I'm going to tweet at him. I don't even know how Twitter works. So rock it on. So email me at askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com. I'm angry. Good. Congratulations. High fives. So here's the deal. I want to start adding a positive ending to this show. We're going to keep the song lyrics. I still like that. It brings me joy. But I also want to start giving shout outs to husbands and wives and kids and grandparents and neighbors and local people, whoever's in your world that you know that are making a positive impact on your mental health, on your world that you know that are making a positive impact

on your mental health, on your relationships that are stepping up in these gaps and these really wackadoo hard times. I want to give them shout outs. And so email me positive things that are going on in your life too. And we will get you on the show as well. All right. So let's go right to the phones. Let's go to Renee in Detroit.

Renee, what is up? How can I help? Well, good morning, Dr. John. and thank you so much for taking my call. Thank you for calling me. What's going on? Well, about seven and a half years ago, I met a great guy in Michigan, and we quickly became inseparable, and we started a life together. Two years later, he moved me to Alaska, where we spent the next five years with his young

daughter. When I moved to Alaska, I left behind my two daughters, who were both in college, and a 17-year-old son. In the last 12 months, I experienced three life-altering events that were devastating and forced me to move back to Michigan. And when I left Michigan, I was affected and hurt, each of my three kids in different ways, but it was hardest on my youngest son, and since I've had to come home, I have spent time with and talked to all of them,

but I have not been the best role model, and my question to you is what can I do now to help repair the resentments they have and rebuild the relationship that I have with them now. What are the things that have happened, though, the three devastating events? Well, last summer my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I came home to Michigan to take care of her, and she ended up dying. And while I was taking care of her my partner had an affair with my friend and married neighbor and I went back to Alaska and was diagnosed with breast cancer

I ended up leaving there and coming home back to Michigan and I've had I've had a pretty rough year yeah so I know you're calling about your kids can. Can we just pause for a second and say that sucks and I'm sorry that happened? Yep. Will you say the words, that really sucks? That really sucks. I wish there was some magic radio things I could say to you through the airwaves that would make that better, and I can't. That's not fun. It's not good.

And I hate that your mom went through that. Pancreatic cancer is evil. And loving your mom as she dies underneath you is hard and I hate that for you. And then infidelity sucks, especially after you gave up everything. And you finding out you're sick sucks. And I'm sorry. I hate that for you. As for your kids, you got $2 in college. Tell me about this 17-year-old little boy of yours.

Was he staying with his real dad when you went to Alaska? He stayed with a friend for a while, a family. And then he stayed with his father for a while. So he went through his senior year without me. Why didn't he go with you? He didn't want to. He didn't want to leave his friends. For him, it was not an option going to Alaska. Well, it is an option because he's a child. He was your kid.

Why did he get an option? I'm not sure of the answer to that. So how old is he now? He's 22 years old now. Is he a 22-year-old ball of rage and anger? I wouldn't say he's a ball of rage and anger. He can be comic collected, but he's got some anger issues. It can be hard to talk to him sometimes.

Yeah, I imagine it'd be hard to talk to him sometimes yeah i imagine he's it seeds under there how long were you and his biological dad divorced before you left uh about eight years okay and so before that how long were things tough before you actually got divorced uh about two years we were together 12 about two years so your son's got about a decade of chaos and disconnection right and then mom took off and um he's gonna have a lot of healing to do over the next 5 to 10 to 15 to 20 years. How's his, how's your biological, his biological father, your ex-husband? He may have been a crummy husband and we don't have time to get into that, but was he a good dad to your son or no? He was gone a lot. He was gone all the time. Okay. So when you talk to your son, how do those conversations go? Have you ever said, I'm sorry,

let's talk and talk about the old days. And have you ever done that, how do those conversations go? Have you ever said, I'm sorry, let's talk and talk about the old days? And have you ever done that? How do those conversations end up? I have talked to him and we kind of both end up crying. It's a real hard conversation and he, it'll be to the point where we both have to just hang up because we'll be crying and sad and he doesn't want to talk about it. Sure. Have you ever written him a letter? Nope.

Okay. What I think would be important is that you write him something that talks about not why you did what you did. Honestly, that doesn't matter. It will at some point, but not right now. What he needs to know right now is that you love him and that you're sorry for leaving him as a kid. He's a child. He's a 17-year-old. And that you're sorry you left him and that you love him more than life itself.

And that you look forward to being a part of his life as he grows up. And that you will do whatever you can do as a grown woman to be a part of that life. And what that's going to allow him to do is he'll probably get angry when he reads it. He'll probably cry when he reads it. But whenever he hangs up that phone, he's got defense mechanisms that are 10, 15 years old in his heart and head that defend him from you because you left, that defend him from dad because dad left. And they're able to minimize and shut that stuff off and it just shoves it down in a hole in him. And what writing something down for him is going to

allow him to do is to go back to it and go back to it and go back to it. And it'll allow him to have a range of emotions reading your words, hearing your voice, if you will, without having the defensive mechanisms to pop up and protect him all the time. And I'm going to really strongly recommend you go meet with him in person if you can any way make that happen. Whether that's inviting him down to your house, you getting in a car or plane and going to visit him. This is a conversation, a long overdue conversation, probably you'll need to have in person more than once, of course, but it's gotta be one that's not about the past, but it's about, I'm sorry. I love you now.

Tell me about your daughters. My daughters are, they're pretty okay. They both have real good jobs, but they both have, they just don't, both have the attitude, you're here now, things are okay, we're not going to worry about the past. It's off the table. Things are how they are now, and I can't do anything to help fix them. If they want to fix themselves, they can, but I can't help them fix themselves

with their issues with this. Well, but I can't help them fix themselves with their issues with this. Well, but I don't like to use the word fix, right? I don't like the mechanical analogies. You can definitely play a healing role in their life because you're their mom. You will always be their mom. You will be their mom when you're 110 years old. You'll be their mom. And so you can play a healing role have you ever

sat down with them and just said i'm sorry and i love you no maybe you're not sorry about anything i'm just i'm imagining it i'm assuming that you called no absolutely i'm consumed with with guilt and i mean i've told him i love him all the time but i think the I'm sorry thing, you can only say it so many times before they go, you know what, we got that. That's right. And so how – Actions speak louder than words, I guess. There you go. So how close do you live to them?

I'm pretty close to the oldest and the youngest, and the other one's about six hours away. So we're all, I mean, we've been traveling distance. Okay. If I gave you a really weird exercise to do, would you promise that you would try it? Absolutely. All right. Here's the weird thing I want you to do. Number one, I want you to write each one of your kids a letter.

And I want you to tell them not about the past, not, hey, here's why I did this, and your dad was this, and this other guy was none of that. I want you to tell them that after you got to the holy, awful, terrible, but blessed opportunity to be with your mom in her last days, you recognized how precious life is, and you recognized that you took off with some new guy to Alaska and left them to fend for themselves. Right, wrong, or indifferent. You're allowed to have done that. It is what it is. But you know that that hurt them in some various shape, form, or fashion, and you are carrying around a cinder block of guilt right now. And I want you to write each one of them a letter and tell them that you love them and that you're sorry and that you look forward to not trying to repair things because that's,

you don't want to live in debt to them, but that you are thankful to be in their life. And then I want you to do something silly, not silly, something extraordinary. With the ones that are close to you, I want you to tell them that you're going to come by every week and you are going to give them a hug for 60 to 90 seconds. You're just going to hold them. And they're grownups and they're going to roll their eyes and you're going to tell them, I'm old and I had breast cancer. I'm a breast cancer survivor. I'm going to hug you. And I want you to hug them as tight as you possibly can. And I want you to put your bare hand on the back of their bare neck so you can feel their skin.

And when you're done hugging, I want you to whisper into their ears so close that your mouth touches their ear. And I want you to say, I love you. And that's it. Okay. Okay. And if they, if they want to have, you know, if they want to eat with you or if they want to invite you inside, great. If they don't, great. But I want you to tell them, um, I've got to do this. This is a once a week assignment that I've got to come in here and hug you tight. It's probably going to mean more to them if you tell them you decided to do

this. But if you want to tell them that you talked to somebody on the radio that recommended you do that, you can tell them that too. All right. And then the goal for you is not to, the difference between guilt and shame is this. You left your 17 year old son and went to Alaska. That happened. That's a brick of guilt that you're holding. Shame is, guilt is I made a mistake. A big one. Guilt is I am a mistake.

I mean, shame is I am a mistake and you're not. Okay. Do you have access to your son? Is he one of the ones that's close to you? Yeah. How close is he? About an hour's drive. Okay. So that's going to be a trek. Ask if he'll meet with you once a week or ask if he'll meet with you once every two weeks. And tell him, I need to hug my son. And he may tell you I don't want you to. I doubt that he's going to do that. Is that a deal? Yeah, that's a deal.

He would not do that. I hug him every time I see him. Okay. I don't want you just to hug him every time I see him. Okay. I don't want you just to hug-hug him. I want you to hug him as though you're trying to squeeze his guts out of his body. And I want you to hang on to him. And then I want your lips to touch his ear when you tell him you love him. Okay?

Okay. And then after maybe a month of this, I want you to call me back or shoot me an email and let me know how it's going. And I'll read the email. And if you write back and say, this was so stupid. My kids hate me, and they think this was the dumbest thing ever, I'll read that on the podcast, and I'll let America know that I'm dumb. But I almost guarantee you they won't. And then I want you to ask them about the holiday season. I want you to ask them about can you come over and help them rake their front yard? I want you to ask them about, hey,

can we, and we'll build these things moving forward together around meals and fun times and laughter and joy. But right now they need to know that their mom's here. And like you said it perfectly, this is about action now. It's not about more words and more words, but that letter is going to be important. A letter, not about the past, but about the present and the future. And I want to tell you, you have had a crappy year, Renee. And the only way to heal through some of these seasons, to grieve through these seasons, is with other people. And so I'm so proud of you. I'm so grateful for you for wanting to heal these relationships. And it's going to be hard. It's going to be humbling, but your kids are going to be excited to have their mama back. What a gift. What a gift. All right. Let's go to, it's Lila. Is that, did I say that right?

Yeah. All right. Lila in Logan, Utah. I did it. Yes. All right. So what's going on? How's it going in your world? You know, there's a lot up in the air, but we're excited about the future, and I'm really excited to talk to you about it. I'm excited to talk to you. So what's going on? Okay, so I have two kids. I have a two-and-a-half-year-old, and I have a six-month-old.

You are in it, right? Yeah. Just wait. So much in it. Ooh, you are in it, right? Yeah. Just wait so much in it. So about four months ago, my two and a half year old who had been weaned for a full year decided that she needed to breastfeed again, like her little brother. Oh,

she's back. All right. Yeah. So we've been doing that for four months. At first I thought she was curious. So I was like, we'll go with it. She'll get over this really fast.

She weaned so easily. she was all into like real food this isn't going to be a thing so now it's like she's asking for milk more than he does and I am dehydrated and just like kind of emotionally exhausted yes like I cuddle with her and I want to spend time with her but I also I don't want it to always be involving milk and I don't, like I cuddle with her and I want to spend time with her, but I also, I don't want it to always be involving milk. And I don't know how to like transition and keep him being breastfeed. Yes. So tandem breastfeeding, right?

I've heard about this. I've read about this. You were the first person I'm actually experienced, like talking through this with. And so your two and a half year old, I guess at the time she was a little over two, she came back and was it something you were excited to do? Did you feel guilty about it? Was it just a weird, tell me about that process. It was weird. I had never, so, okay. I don't think breastfeeding itself is weird at all. So I've been like good with that. I love the cuddles with my kids. So that wasn't an issue, but then she was just so curious and I try not to say no to her unless I have a really good reason to say no. I let her be curious about

stuff. So I was like, okay, we'll see where this goes. And I just thought this was going to be like a one-time thing and then she's going to be over it. No way, dude. Yeah, no way, man. She gets that direct line connection. She gets to be between you and this other new lunatic that you brought into the home, right? She gets to weasel right between those two. Weasel is not a nice way to say that. So let's take the two kids off for a second. You mentioned the physical part of this, but you also – you said it. I don't like to say no. So you're in the middle of

emotional, spiritual, psychological world. And I don't mean spiritual, like in the, whatever the Jesus-y churchy sense, I mean, spiritual, like this is existential for you. So there is a part of you, tell me if I'm wrong, that when you are nursing both of your kids at once, that's magical. And then there's a part of you that this is literally wearing you out from the inside out. Is that fair? Both of those are 100% true. Okay.

So what do you want to do? Or both, probably, right? Yeah. So I think the deepest part of me just wants my daughter to know how much i love her right and since this is the way she wants to hear it i don't know how to change to something else because if i say no she just she just is a wreck she just cries and she's so sad and she doesn't get like that about everything else and she comes she wants milk when she's gone through something that's scary or hurts her right or she's just having a

hard day and i just like i want to protect her and she's not cuddly so if i try to cuddle her she like wiggles out and she leaves so so i'm getting something out of this relationship that is important for me too but i'm waking up every morning feeling like like i'm getting headaches and i have chronic pain that's worsened by being dehydrated and i feel like no matter how much water i drink that's not enough right so and so i kind of need to find another option i want to preface this with the last thing on planet earth the world needs is a 40 year old male talking to a woman about telling her what she needs to be doing with breastfeeding, right? The last thing the world needs is another dude sticking his head into some of these conversations. All right. So I want to go ahead and tell everyone there is few things

on earth with more opinions than breastfeeding, right? There are all kinds of tribes around all different kinds of things. I get that. If you are into tandem breastfeeding for you and for your kids, and I know what the World Health Organization says about two years, I know all that stuff. Okay. So I'm talking to just lovely Lila in Utah. And so don't send me mean cards and letters, everyone in the podcast world. So if that's something you want to continue, that's something you want to continue. That's between you and your kids. I think you know exactly where the challenge is here. It is not with your two-year-old. It's with you. And it's that

initial panic meltdown. Your daughter, is it daughter? Is that right? Yeah. Okay. Your daughter is feeling like she no longer owns you. And this is a great way to control you. And she is just leaning up against these boundaries. And one of the greatest things you could teach her is that mommy has body boundaries and that everyone from dad to her to new baby respects mommy's body boundaries. And anytime somebody puts up new boundaries, particularly for young kids, but even when wives put them up for their husbands and husbands put them up for their wife, boundaries are hard for us, especially at first. And your two-year-old daughter, two and a half-year-old daughter is

going to crash up against those boundaries and try to kick them over because she just wants to see if they're going to hold and if they're firm. At the end of the day, the bigger challenge is not with her, but it's with you. And so I want you to feel 1000% affirmed that you are more than welcome to the autonomy of your body. And you are more than welcome to the autonomy of your body and you are more than welcome. You're not going to ruin your kid. In fact, you're going to empower your kid because right now she's not having to do the work to learn the psychological and emotional and spiritual responses to discontent, to fear, to frustration. She's just literally able to run to mom, right? Right to mom's bosom, literally. And so what's going to be

critical for you, and this is exhausting season, and I get that, man, you have a two and a half year old and a six month old, there's no way around it, is finding intentional time, not cuddle time, but eye contact time, reading time, special mommy and daughter time with your two and a half year old. Another thing that can be key is giving your two and a half year old jobs, participation, leadership roles, especially a young daughter who's becoming a young woman. You're training, you're raising a young woman. And so here are some roles, some leadership opportunities she can take. But the reality is, it's just going to be hard for a little while. A great professor of mine, her name was Aretha Marbley. She's one of the most

important mentors I've ever had. She said one of the keys to helping that first kid when you have a second kid is to start referring to it not as the baby, but as your sister, as your brother. And two-year-olds, three-year-olds, four-year-olds, they crave ownership so much that your daughter craves ownership of you right now. And so what you're going to be able to do is transition that ownership from your body to your sister needs your help right now. Your sister needs you to fill in the blank. Here are some jobs. Here are some things. She needs you to color her picture and read her the story or whatever the things are.

It's going to give her some autonomy, but it's just going to be a hard, frustrating, tearful for you and for her separation over the next few weeks. Is dad a good participant here? Is he a good helper? Dad's a great helper. Dad is probably on the same page you're on. He's like, she's going to cry. It's going to be hard. Like we just have to make her do it. And I just, breaks my heart. It does. But dad's also been really busy lately. He's finishing school. He's working full time. We're about to move. Jolly. So the real thing that you've got to do, Lila, the real thing you've got to do is recognize the truth that you are also using this as a stress coping mechanism too. And if you can come up in this messy, crazy season, and I realize I'm on such thin ice

being just a dude telling a nursing mom, you know what you need to do. I get that, right? But your husband's busy. You've got a six-month-old who's not sleeping through the night. You've got a two-and-a-half-year-old you're about to move. Transition, transition, transition. It does make everybody just exhale a little bit when you've got both kids that are quiet, both of your babies, you've got huddled up on your, you know, I can't even imagine the connection you can have with a child there. I hugged my daughter this morning. We just, she just woke up a little bit early and we just got some great snuggle time this morning. I can't imagine how much deeper that could be, right? Than what you get to experience. But you've got to start developing and owning and getting some friends in your life that can push you and hold you accountable to getting some stress coping

skills that don't involve your two and a half year old, that don't involve your six month old. You've got to start coming up with some things for you in whatever limited squishy time you've got that will bring you peace and that will bring you some restoration. Is that fair? I know that's so hard. Yeah. It's just a totally different way than how I've been thinking about it, but it's very valid, and that helps to see it that way. Or maybe – oh, gosh. I'm just thinking about the breastfeeding cards and letters I'm going to get.

Don't send him mean letters. Maybe thinking about your daughter as – she's not a Xanax. And so every time she comes to you and you're just thinking, she's not my pacifier. She's not my Xanax, and this is going to be hard for a few weeks, but, and making sure you know what your steps are going to be. I'm going to, this is, I'm going to go take a walk. This is, I'm going to get some sleep. This is, I'm going to go talk to somebody because I'm struggling, whatever those things are. But I, I think your heart is so there and your husband's right. You've got an awesome partner. You're, I'm smiling right now because

I know this is going to be hard, but it's going to be so worth it. And I'll tell you this, if you can teach your daughter how to appropriately respond, if you can model for her body boundaries, if you can model for her when mommy gets tired and stressed, here's the healthy things I do. You are setting her up for a extraordinary legacy shifting life. And if you teach her that when things get bad, mommy will just hold you and I'll always take care of the discomfort. And whenever you get scared and fearful, mommy will solve those problems for you. That's a hard road to hoe. Now she's two, right? Of course, mom's going to be there, right? And I'm not telling you, well, it sucks, kid. Go outside and go for a jog, right? No, she's two and a half, right? And I'm not telling you, well, it sucks, kid. Go outside and go for a jog, right? No, she's two and a half, right? But beginning to hold those boundaries, hold that autonomy, you get your wellness behavior. You put your oxygen mask on first and give her some ownership

and autonomy. And now she's a big sister and she's going to learn some new skills and new boundaries there. It's going to be extraordinary. So thank you so much for that call, Lila. You are awesome. Your husband's awesome. Your kids, it's going to be a blast. And I will be thinking about you during the next few weeks as you all transition to where you're just breastfeeding one kid, which already sounds like a cartwheel box of monkeys and adventures. All right, let's go to Ashley in Dallas, Texas. Ashley, good morning. How are we doing Ashley in Dallas, Texas. Ashley, good morning.

How are we doing? Good morning, Dr. Deloney. We are nervous as all get out. Hey, I'm nervous too. I'm nervous too. So how can I help you this morning? I am, I reached out because I am needing some guidance on how to not let my 10-year-old unknowingly hurt my feelings. Uh-oh, what'd she do? Or he do?

So she actually... You said that so she, as though she's like some mistress. This is going to be awesome. So we were in the car and she was really excited about this A-plus that she got on a homework assignment. And I asked her what it was about. And the prompt was, describe in detail a memory of something you have done that you believe will be a lifelong memory. So I asked her. I said, wow, that sounds great. What do you, you know,

what were, what were your ideas? And she went through her brainstorming process with me in the car. And as she was going through each memory, I realized that every single one was one that she had with her dad, who's my ex-husband. And it just, she, you know, she wasn't intentionally doing it. She was just really excited about the grade that she got. And I was hurt. I was thinking of all of the things that we've done, all of the experiences that I have tried to provide. My husband and myself tried to provide her and how none of that is anything that came to mind. And I, yeah, just need a little insight. Does she live with you full time? Does she split custody?

How does she live? So she lives with me and her stepfather. Okay. And we actually, we live in Texas. We actually just moved here a year ago. So her dad, her biological father, lives in a different state. And the agreement that we came up with was that she would be with us during the school year. And we tried to make it as 50-50 as possible, which is impossible when you have a kid that's in school. So she spends every single school holiday with her dad.

Okay. And so when she was rattling off these great life memories, she's so excited. She got an A+. What were some of the memories? Give me two or three of them that she went to and a cruise and finding her first shark tooth. So those are the three big ones that I can pull right now. So what I'm going to tell you isn't going to bring you joy or it's not going to make you happy. I hope that it will lodge into your heart. Okay. How long has she lived with you specifically for a year? How long have y'all been divorced? We've been divorced since 2016. Oh, okay. So several years. Okay. So I want you to think of yourself as the anchor. Done. Already done.

The pole that is 17 feet in concrete down on the ground. And I want you to think of her biological dad as – and this probably isn't fair, so I'm just making generalizations here. But he is the cotton candy and the fireworks. Yeah. Yep. And for a 10-year-old, cotton candy rules, right? Fireworks are so shiny and fun. And they don't think about, because they're 10, the oatmeal and the bedtimes and the clothes cleaning and the ironing and the school and the, and the, and the, and just having to deal with school holidays is just the hot dogs and mustard and fireworks and cotton candy and gummy candies. It's not the day-to-day grind.

And so that particular moment, I can only imagine hurt, but I want to give you a perspective on a 10-year-old brain that is just searching for the fireworks, right? You are her anchor. You are lodged in and the tethers between the two of you is so deep and so strong that she has the opportunity to swing off the edge of a mountain and go with her dad. And she can only have those experiences because she is completely lodged in with you. And so if you can hear those fun experiences, not as a slight to you, but as only because of you, my hope is that smile that you have would say, you're dang right. Mm-hmm.

And I don't want you to get sucked on a rabbit hole that 10-year-olds live in, which is life is about fireworks and cotton candy. Well, why can't life be about fireworks and cotton candy though? It would be awesome, but we also have diabetes and forest fires. So it doesn't work like that. I wish it could too. But when she has her first heartbreak, she's going to call you. And when she first, that first knucklehead in class reaches over and holds her hand, she's going to tell you. And the first time she gets a D on an assignment and she's crying so hard, she can't breathe, she's going to tell you. And so when you think of what's

your greatest memory, I don't even like those assignments for kids. And I know they're writing prompts and they're fine, but they start to direct 10-year-olds to look for flashy things as opposed to what makes you feel safe. And again, I don't want to criticize teachers. They're kicking butt and they are just living the hero's life right now. They're running the world, keeping us afloat right now. But those are hard prompts. But what I want to challenge you with as the adult is to hear those firework statements, to hear those gummy bear statements as that's because of me. I feel like that feels selfish.

To do what? That feels selfish. Your mom, you're allowed to be selfish. Okay? You're allowed to be. Okay. And it may be a fun exercise for you just to sit with her. And do you all do B&Ws every night? Thumbs up, thumbs downs? Best and worst of the day?

Yeah, we discuss our victories. There you go. So take ownership in those. This is a trite thing that I say all the time, but it's the truth. Ten-year-olds don't get a vote. They just don't because they're ten. If ten-year-olds were in the world, we'd all eat nachos and marshmallows every day of the week for every meal of the week, and that would be awesome until all of our teeth fell out of our head and we all went insane. And so ten-year-olds don't get a vote. You know, you know as mom that you're doing hero's work, that you're trying to make sure that she's got a great

relationship with her father. And he's probably doing a great job too. He's probably leaning in the best he can. Y'all live in a different state now. It's going to be messy. It's going to be hard. You're going to live with some mom guilt because of the divorce, because of the separation, because of the kids going back and forth. That's just going to be part of it. I want you to give yourself some grace. But more importantly, when your kid is able to go see the fireworks, it's because you brought her there. When she was able to enjoy that cotton candy, it's because you make sure she's fed and healthy every day of the week, every meal of the week. And so when my 10-year-old leans back and says, that other dad does this, I say, yep, that's awesome. Because I know he's anchored in with me and your baby girl's anchored in with you.

So thank you so much for that call, Ashley. Let's take one more call. Let's go to Ron in Cincinnati. What's up, Ron? How are we doing, brother? Doing great, John. Really appreciative for what you do for us. Well, I'm appreciative of you for giving me a shout, man. How can I help this morning? Yeah, so I've been married for five years. The love of my life.

Best five years ever. Raising two kids together. One kink in our marriage that, yeah, that I want to get rid of. Um, my wife has some pretty fragile mental health and she gets triggered often. And I think in a very logical solution based way and doesn't really work for her when she is in those triggered States and it actually heightens her, actually heightens her emotions when I'm trying to provide her solutions. Oh, Ron, are you a solution giver? I am.

Oh, great. So I'm trying to get some advice on, you know, what I can do to step outside of that solution-based mindset and just empathize with her when she's going through some of the things that I may not think of as big of a deal as she thinks they are. But, you know, I just want to, you know, kind of slow myself down and step outside of that, giving her solutions and just really be in the moment and empathize with her. So when you tell her she's, number one, thanks for being a guy who's willing to look in the mirror and say, maybe I'm contributing to this. And so high five, brother. I appreciate you. Um, so, uh, when you say she's got a lot of mental health or a fragile mental health, what does that mean? Real quick. What does that mean? Um, she, she grew up with an alcoholic parent. Ah, okay. So, yeah. So her whole life was a gap, right? Was her parent abusive or just absent or just an addict? A little bit abusive.

She spent a lot of her childhood seeking validation. Right. Yeah. childhood seeking validation. Um, you know, from, yeah. So, um, it really triggers her when she's seeking validation and then doesn't get it now in her adult stage. Um, especially from her parents. Right. Right. So that's a whole other phone call, right? How to deal with those folks. Um, so paint me a picture of a scenario, right? She is struggling. She is spinning out. Somebody at work says something to her that you would normally just laugh off.

And she comes home, and she is curled up on the couch in a ball, and you're like, whoa, what happened? And she tells you, and your first thought is that's not even a big deal. What do you do next? What do you do next what do you do next uh just uh my uh this is kind of embarrassing to say out loud hey listen we are in it together man i promise you whatever you're about to say i've probably done too yeah i really just tell her like you know don't don't let it affect you that much like you're stronger than than what you're displaying right now um you know those people don't have don't have an influence on your life. Just really don't let that, don't let it get to you that, that much. Right. Kind of the route I take. And so the word you, so listen, number one,

I know that you care about her and that's why you're trying to help her in that way. And so the fact that you're not a dismissive partner, right? You're not just like, whatever, dude, and you don't just leave, good for you. I know that you're reaching out and you're trying to love her the best you know how. And you got two knuckleheaded little kids running around there too, right, when all this is going on? Right. Right. So you said it perfectly, so I'm just going to help you connect the dots that are already in your own heart and mind. Earlier you said as a child, which is common of kids of

whose parents are addicts, she was chasing validation and she wanted to be valid to them. She wanted them to connect with her. She wanted them to notice her and value her. And addicts don't. They value their addictions. They value their unplugging, right? Their disconnection. And so when she says, hey, this happened, what she really wants is for her husband to validate her. Your feelings are real. And when you try to solve those feelings with info, with information, her, are you, am I valid alarms start ringing off the hook because you are saying those aren't valid. What you should be doing is fill in the blank.

And so think of it in terms of validation. Now, here's the deal. We all have feelings, and our feelings are important, and they lie to us. Right? They're not always truthful. The way we work through whether they're truthful or not is being safe. Are we in circumstances where we are safe or we're okay? And so the greatest gift you could give to your wife is the idea of validation, your presence. And so the next

time she's struggling, in fact, I would pre-struggle. Before she starts struggling, I would start setting it up. And you can tell her, hey, I talked to Deloney, and here's a thing he wants us to try. And it's literally, brother, like 30 days, a month, or two months of every single day. I want you to sit down before she leaves for work, before you go to work. And I want you to hold her hands and look her in the eye, just for a weird, awkward 10 seconds, and say, I love you. How's today going so far? And it may be 6 o'clock in the morning. And

she could say, dude, I just got up. It's going fine. And you can say, thank you for sharing that because what you're doing is you're practicing being present, but not giving advice. And it's something you're going to have to practice. I know you want to fix her mental health, which you can't do, but you can change the way you respond to things. And I want you to not think of your wife as a car that you can fix, or I don't want you to think of a problem at work that you have to solve. I want you just to think of somebody that you love. And then when you get home from work and you see that she's had a rough day or a great day, I want you to do that again. I want you to grab her hands and look her in the eye for an awkward 10 seconds. And then I want you to say, how was today?

And if she says, this happened and it sucks and it was awful and it was the worst thing ever and I can't breathe and I just want to have four glasses of wine. I want you to tell her, well, forget the wine part. Not four glasses of wine is probably going to help. But I want you to tell her, thank you so much for sharing that with me. I appreciate you being vulnerable, and I love you. And then I want you to hug her for about 30 seconds or 60 seconds without stopping, and then let that be that. And you are going to feel like there is so much left unsaid, and I didn't help her. I didn't fix her.

My guess is she's pretty smart. Is she pretty smart? Genius. Yeah, there you go. So think of this. She doesn't need your information, dude. She knows. She's smart.

What she needs is you to validate her. And not through words. She needs you to validate her through connection and touch and through presence. And the beautiful thing here is, man, I'm literally smiling. If you watch this on YouTube, I'm smiling because I know you're a good guy. And I know you're going to, you want to not just give her the right answers. I know you want to love your wife the best you can. Yeah.

And that's, man, that is every, every guy who works in my space wants to just meet guys who want to love their partners with all their hearts. And your beautiful wife has that. And so the practice for you is not trying to solve her problems. Here's another tip. If she continues to ask, to talk about the same thing, the same thing, the same thing, ask her, are you inviting me into this conversation? Do you want my advice or do you just want me to be present? Gotcha.

You sound like you're, are you, are you hearing this or is it, is it making sense or not making sense? It's, it's all, it's all click. It's, it's all stuff that I've had pieces, pieces too, but just couldn't put the whole puzzle together. You know, my wife and I have had multiple conversations about this. This is why I'm finally reaching out. Um, and I'm just like, I was just kind of lost,

but you know, the, definitely the looking into her eyes and asking her, you know, Hey, how was your day? We don't do that ever. You know, we often, we, we often do not do that. It's more so Ah, gotcha. Um, so we often don't have that connect time, um, to be able to do that. So, you know, making time for that is a big deal. Um, you know, that was, that was a huge piece of the puzzle that was missing for me. And on the way home from your HVAC job, if you have to pull over on the side of the road and grab some wildflowers, if you have to run into a store and grab her favorite something or other, if on the back of some old air conditioning duct tape that you got off of an old house, I want you to write her a note every day that just says who you are is beautiful and I love you. And I want you to constantly, constantly show up for her, not with information, but with

you because you're awesome. And what's going to happen over time is she's going to begin to, her shoulders will drop. She won't search for validation from you because she will feel it in her soul, right? In her mitochondria, she will feel you. And then she will feel safe. And you know who else is going to start feeling safe? Your kids. And they're not going to live ping-ponging off the walls as much. They're still kids. They're still going to do that. But they're going to begin to feel safe in the house. And they're going to begin to feel safe in relationship with you guys. And what you're talking about now, my man, is you're talking about generational legacy change.

You're talking about raising kids that are never going to know the disconnection and lack of validation that your wife experienced, that you experienced when she's hurting. You just want to reach across that aisle. You don't know how to do it. But if you cannot look at her as an HVAC unit, but look at her as your soulmate, my man, Ron, you're talking about new family trees being planted in forests. And dude, you're not going to get to eat the fruit of these trees, but your great grandkids will. And man, I'm glad that you're my last call today. You are leaving me with a smile on my face because I know you're going to be a guy who makes these major transitions.

You're going to teach yourself new skills. You're going to learn new skills. And you're going to, golly, man, wrap your hands around your wife's heart. It's going to be awesome. I do want you to call me back in about a month. I want you to let me know how things are going. Shoot me an email. I'll read it here on the air.

I'm excited for you and your wife and where you all are headed. That's awesome. So as we wrap up, here's the deal. I'm excited for you and your wife and where y'all are headed. That's awesome. So as we wrap up, here's the deal. I'm just going to cut to it. Greatest song of all time from the number one greatest movie of all time. Not debatable. I love Titanic.

Nope. Oh my gosh. The greatest, the notebook. Nope. Nope. Greatest movie of all time is Stand By Me. Stand By Me is the greatest, the notebook. Nope. Greatest movie of all time is Stand By Me. Stand By Me is the greatest movie ever made. And it was based on a Stephen King novella.

And it was named after the greatest song ever written by Ben E. King in 1961. It was so good. It didn't even get an album. They just put it out as a single because they just like, we don't even need an album this song is so incredible here you go world and it's been covered I don't know 8 trillion times Benny King's masterpiece it goes like this

when the night has come and the land is dark and the moon is the only light we'll see I won't be afraid no I won't be afraid just as long as you stand by me. If the sky that we look upon should tumble and fall or the mountain should crumble to the sea, I won't cry.

I won't cry. No, I won't shed a tear just as long as you stand by me. So, darling, stand by me. So, darling, stand by me. Everybody, as we're heading off into the election season, as we're heading off into whatever the end of 2020 is going to look like, let's stand by one another. This is the Dr. John Deloney Show. Thank you.