The Dr. John Delony Show - Scared to Go Out After News of Mass Shootings

Episode Date: May 19, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   ** Producer's Note: sorry for the poor audio on this one - had some technical issues during the recording. -James I have become fearful of the mass shootings that are taking place and scared to take my baby out in public. How do I process these events? I become stressed and frustrated about the smallest things and sometimes I lash out. My girlfriend thinks I should be on an SSRI. Email: Should I tell my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend about his abusive tendencies? Lyrics of the Day: "A Thousand Miles" - Vanessa Carlton   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety     tags:    These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.`

On today's show we talk about being terrified to go outside after all the mass shootings. We talk about being stressed and fearful in every facet of your life. And we talk to a woman who had an ex-boyfriend who's dating somebody new and she wants to know, should she call the ex's new girlfriend and tell her everything? Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad you're here. We'll just get right into it. Listen, I'm coming from being on another show just a minute ago. A big show with millions of listeners. I'm all nervous. And I said the word drowning drowning not a word drowning is that right my editorial linguistics i don't know let me ask

my 10 year old child i so i said the word drowning and I was trying to be clever and it's like you're going to feel like you're drowning and to which everyone in there was like nope we're not because it's not a real thing idiot how many doctors do you have idiot well thanks a lot Jimmy and James and Kelly feeling hurters

that's not the first time we've corrected you on that specific one either oh my gosh listen well you can put it in my annual review rude heartbreakers i think i get it i get why people say that because some people just say that and i think it's because you say he drowned she drowned but but it's because there's the ed on the end so people just assume it's drowning but it just is a pet peeve man we talk about pet peeves on the show i want to thank you for trying to make me feel better and make me feel not stupid just dumb so thanks man no not stupid or dumb just just an idiot it's like yeah i don't like drowning or people who listen to limp biscuits still that's james you know you are the one who controls how you feel not me

oh yeah learning on this show. Well, to you. How about that, James Childs? How about that? And to all the people who are fighting back with the horse noises, we're getting your emails. I mean...

Can I... Hold on. In all of the calls we've taken, the sad things we've talked about, the horrific things we've talked about on this show, we've gotten more emails regarding the horse noises and the pushback against James in particular about the horse noises.

It's crazy. We have an audience of people who know when they see tyranny and they see you two trying to run this show and all I'm trying to do is help people and you two with your grammar police and your equine noises police your animal noises what kind of ship are y'all running back there?

we've got to say everything the right way and use all real words and we're only going to use human noises instead of animals, whatever hey, you literally have a rocket diarrhea sticker on your mug on the show so I'm pretty sure that we're not clamping down too hard on professionalism here is the i'm so glad you joined us on the dr

john deloney show if you want to talk about your mental health your uh relationships do you have tyrannical bosses too well have i got a show for you this one so much so that I named it after myself give me a call at 1-844-693-3291 that's 1-844-693-3291 and if you're struggling with where you work and who you work with I feel your pain

we should do a whole segment show on that let's get right to the phones so we're no longer drowning. Let's go to Marissa in Dayton, Ohio. What's up, Marissa? How's it going? Hey, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call. Thank you. Hey, is it drowning or drowning? Last I heard it was drowning. Thanks for kicking me while I'm down, Marissa. Real cool. Wow. One cool. Wow. One for Team Kelly.

Yeah, thanks for calling. Yeah, thanks for calling. So what's up? How can I help? So I'm calling today with a concern that I feel like a lot of Americans have right now about just the anxiety over the mass shootings recently and just the fear of going out in public, going to the grocery store. And it's just, it has me really anxious. And when I'm in the grocery store, I'm in and out as fast as possible.

And I'm looking around at everybody like they're a threat and it's just not a sustainable way to live. And I just wondered how you thought we should go about handling that anxiety. Hey, thank you so much for that call, Marissa. I'm grateful that you called because you're exactly right. Everyone I know is wrestling with it and struggling with it and thinking through it. And it's an unsettling feeling. It's an unsettling time, right? Let's just be honest with it.

So the best way I can answer that is to tell you directly how I handle it. Is that okay? I don't have any major scientific studies or anything like that. I can just tell you what I'm doing personally. Yeah. And I'll also tell you I've responded to actual scenes of gunshot victims. I've been in there. I've helped clean those scenes up.

I've helped move them, those bodies. I've been there there i've helped clean those scenes up i've helped move them those body it's i've been there and so i i know what the what that i just i have an intimate knowledge that i know what it's like and so when i see some of these things they will set off my alarms all our brains are trying to do is take care of us right and the more we feed it this stuff over and over and over, the more our brains start looking for it because it wants to keep us safe. And what we've entered into with our media world, and I don't want to blame media because these things are really happening. Right. But they're not happening at every grocery store. They're not happening at most grocery stores.

They're not happening at the vast majority. They're not happening at the vast majority of grocery stores or schools or colleges or fill in the blank. But we have a media system that is paid simply on how many eyeballs it gets, how many clicks it has. And so it has a vested interest in pumping that information into our brains, any shape, form, or fashion. And on top of that, every person's got a camera now. And some of the justice-oriented things, those cameras have been lifesavers, literally, right? It's helped us see justice. It's helped us see another side of a story that we never would have received. In other times, it just gives us 84 new angles of the same trauma and so these um media outlets are just recycling and

replaying all these different clips our brains are registering these clips all of them different and it is just saying don't go to school don't go to school don't go to school school's not safe school's not safe and all media is trying to do is just get us to keep watching. We can't turn our heads away from it, right? And so first and foremost, I just cut the media off. I cut it out. I have very few people that I plug into anymore, and they're folks that I value based on trust. And I can hear about it. I don't need to watch it. I'm pretty selective about what I choose to see because I

know my brain is going to do its job. And when it sees something, it's going to set off a system of alarms and chemicals and mechanisms to keep me safe. And sometimes it overrides my thinking part of my brain, right? And so if I hear about the latest school shooting in state X, Y, or Z, almost never am I going to plug in there and go watch what just happened. Almost never. Because I don't want that in my head. It was a few years ago. I haven't checked the data recently, but I did a presentation for a group of college professors after one or two high-profile shootings at colleges. And interestingly, at the time, the data said the safest job in the United States of America, the job you're most, the least likely to get killed at while doing it was a kindergarten teacher.

The next safest job was a college professor, college instructor. Yet, if you were to have watched the news, my colleagues were like, man, we're next, right? And we're getting often record numbers. The data said, actually, you're safe. It was the sensational coverage of this, of media over and over and over. Now, have we seen a spike in shootings? No question about it, right? But is it going on every single place everywhere? It's not. It's just not. And so, what you've got to deal with is the reality that it could happen and the reality that it's probably not going to happen. And the best way I have found is to stop indulging the click fest, stop indulging all the drama, to be vigilant, to be smart. Now,

I also found myself, I've been trained for some of these situations and I've been trained to get out of some of these situations. Is that going to keep me safe? Probably not, right? But, you know, you can know to look for it, but I don't even think that's necessary. I think being aware and vigilant and then recognizing the data is on your side. So, I want to ask you, give me an example. You go to a store and you mentioned you're out just scoping people around.

What are you looking for? What do you think you're going to see? I mean, I'm just looking at people looking to see if they look, I don't know, like they're holding something or like they're just looking suspicious i don't know really what i'm looking for i'm just in and out as quick as i can or i do quick list um yeah but i am definitely guilty of reading everything i can about every shooting that happens i just let my brain get lost in that information so here is a really fascinating thing our brain does. Let's imagine back in the old days, and you may have heard me say this on the show, a bear shows up at the front of your cave, right?

You and your family are snuggling there nice and warm in a big pile, and a bear shows up. You see that bear, and your brain does not want you thinking, I wonder if that's a nice bear. Is that our friendly bear that comes around? Is that, oh, that's the funny bear. It just has one rule, run, right? Or if you can't run, fight, grab sticks and rocks. And if you can't fight or run away, we're going to shut the system down and you're going to freeze. You're going to play dead and maybe he won't mess with you. Or maybe he'll just drag you somewhere else and give you a chance to escape somewhere else, right? When your brain goes into fight or flight, it unhinges, it unclicks your rational thinking

brain. It unhooks it and it trades accuracy for speed. What does that mean? Just what you described. It's how a police officer who gets a call on the radio, somebody running down alley, armed and dangerous, fired off shots. And their heart starts racing. They get out of the car and they're worried about their own safety. And then somebody with a cell phone, right? Because your brain says close enough, let's make sure you're okay. Or you're in a grocery

store and you see somebody walk by and they look kind of sort of similar to somebody on the news and they're holding a box of macaroni that kind of looks like whatever. Boom, you clench your purse tighter and you run out of that room. Right? So here's a way to combat that. Number one, you're right. Turn off the news. Fight that impulse to just absorb all this info. And by the way, a lot of my friends absorb that info all day and then they turn on some murder podcast and, or they watch, and I'm looking at you, Kelly, they turn on some murder

podcast and then they go home and watch Law & Order you, Kelly, they turn on some murder podcast, and then they go home and watch Law & Order SVU for the 21st season or whatever it is, right? That's just all they consume 24-7, and what you look for, your brain will find. Yeah. Right? And so when that's all you consume, everyone is a creep. Everyone's a criminal. Everyone's about to murder everybody. Here's the other thing you can do besides turn off that nonsense. You can intentionally spend time talking, looking with people, being with them at a grocery store, saying, hi, how's your day going to people standing in line with you? And listen, when you first try this, your heart will beat because you'll be nervous.

And then hopefully the front part of your brain will stop and go, is it so ridiculous that I'm nervous in line at a grocery store? Right? And you'll realize, oh, that's just a tired dad trying to buy some chicken for it, right? Or that's a tired mom who's, you'll realize that 99.9999% of people are lovely and kind and just trying to get through the day too. So it's a decision to, I'm going to slow my breathing down so my brain works. I'm going to look somebody in the eye and say, a long line, huh? Or how's it going? Or I love your shirt.

Or are you having a good day? Right? Just slow entry-level communication. And by the way, you throw a year away at a pandemic, right? And that's made it all worse. Now everybody can get us sick and kill us and all those things on top of it, right? So not only are they going to shoot us, they can just breathe on us and it's all over, right? So we are at apex fear level, heightened, heightened, heightened, and people are getting shot. They are getting shot, right? We've had a number of

shootings right in a row and a row and a row. And unfortunately, we're going to keep having, I mean, it's just escalating. But the reality is the data says most of the time, most of us are safe. Not only are we safe, but we're surrounded by people who are good folks, who love us, and everyone's just kind of waiting on everybody else to go first. And so it has become a spiritual practice of mine, a mental health practice of mine, to look people in the eye, to smile extra big, make sure people can see my hands at all times. This is stuff my dad taught me when I was a little kid, to make sure I'm kind and make sure I'm asking people how your day is. I would say seven or eight times out of ten when you're going through a line and the woman at the counter or the man at the counter is just going beep, beep, you know, like ringing your food up.

And you just say, hey, how's your day going? They will pause. They'll freeze for a second because they'll snap them out of their mindless, dull job. And they'll look you in the eye and say, I've done all right. Or not super great, right? And you can share a laugh, a quick moment of humanity there. But Marissa, at the end of the day, the data tells us that most of us are safe most of the time. And it's our choice to go looking for beauty, right? And if you are in a situation, if you are in an environment that is more dangerous, if there's been more shootings in your area, then I'm going to advise you to go take a class. I'm going to advise you to go be wise.

Go meet with your local authorities and say, hey, we're worried about this area. What are some things we can do as a community? But chances are we're making our – not chances are. For sure, we are stressing ourselves out. We are much more likely to die of a stroke or a heart attack or some sort of inflammatory disease because we're living in this heightened, ruttled stage than we are being shot. Or driving too fast or tripping on the way out of the grocery store because we're trying to get in and out so fast. Slow down. Breathe deeply. Look people in the eye. Regain our humanity. One hello. Hey, why don't you go ahead of me? Go ahead and go first. Let me pick up, if you got the money,

I'm going to pay for her groceries one at a time at a time. Thank you so much for that call, Marissa. You're awesome. I appreciate your heart there. All right, let's go to Kyle in Louisville. Kyle, what's up? Hey, John. It's awesome to talk with you. You're awesome. I appreciate your heart there. Alright, let's go to Kyle in Louisville. Kyle, what's up? Hey, John. It's awesome to talk with you. How are you? Hey, man. I'm good, too, and I didn't say Louisville. I'm proud of myself. It's Louisville. Louisville, Kentucky.

I'm not from here, so it's the same way. I say Louisville, and everybody looks at me weird. Okay, good. Team Deloney. Alright, so hey, you don't say drowned. Alright, right well we're done with that all right so what's up man okay um so i struggle with like stress or anxiety or whatever you want to call it really bad um i get stressed about everything some large some not like i mean i think it comes a lot from like always going top speed and having so much to do and working in a high stress high octane job um i get stressed about like getting out the door on

time in the morning when i'm waking up early enough i get stressed that the work i do is not good enough even though i know it is um i get stressed about bad drivers and just everyday things like that and then i get tense and angry and my blood pressure gets high. And my girlfriend, who works in the medical field, is recommending that I look into getting prescribed onto like an SSRI. And she struggled with a lot of these same kinds of things. And her doctor recommended it and it's worked great for her. And I'm just kind of unsure about it and looking for advice because I know you say a lot of times like, you know this stuff is just alarm systems and I don't know if it's good to mask it or if it's whatever so well man I appreciate your vulnerability here um somebody who struggles with control it's hard for them to be vulnerable so I appreciate you reaching out man um I can hear in your voice

this is not an easy call to make how long have you been working to control everything in your world? My guess is since you were little. Probably my whole life. I think I get a lot from my dad. It's just like I've always kind of been like the guy who takes leadership in most roles. I feel like I am a good leader, but then it's when I'm put in roles of non-leadership, I struggle because I'm not a good leader. You want to take it and own it, right? Right.

What is, if you were to evaluate you on your leadership performance, what is something negative that somebody who worked for you would say about you? Probably that I'm not always the best at, like, implementing other people's ideas and stuff. I definitely like to take and listen to other people's ideas and implement like pieces and parts of it, but ultimately probably just try to keep it as my plan still. Okay. But with maybe some of their ideas.

Okay. So this, this, um, stress, this frustration that you feel, um, it's ultimately at the end of the day,

and I take a lot of flack for this, but Kyle, I'm you. I've been you most of my life. And to feel this way is a choice. And I hate to say it that way because this is the pot talking to the kettle here. Until I spent some hard, hard time putting space in my day, realizing that the best ROI of my time was actually going to sleep.

The best ROI of my time was sitting with other human beings and listening to them. That my value was not about what advice I could give and what thing I could muscle through and clench and flex and pump through. And it took years, brother, for me to get that message through my thick head, and I'm still wrestling with it. But what you find, man, is your heart rate goes way down. You're way more patient on the road. You drive the speed limit sometimes even, which sounds crazy, right? I actually find that's a pretty calming thing to do sometimes.

It is, right? Drive like in the slow lane. Yeah, and listen, you feel like you're doing Earth a service by following the law, right? Can you imagine, like 50 years ago, the idea of going 70 was like a rocket ship and now that's what you're doing to calm so that's a temporary a temporary move right my guess one thing that's also like leads into is like i've been thinking about making a job change because my current job is like 6 a.m to 8 p.m it's 100 travel all the time and i never get to have a community and so i'm looking at making a switch to a job that's

settled somewhere with my girlfriend that I don't have to travel all the time and it's calmer hours, more normal hours and they like really work focus on work life balance where my current one doesn't Hey Kyle listen I absolutely 1000% support that

but here's the one catch to it whatever new job you get you're going to go with you no matter what job you get what salary you get somebody calls you out of the blue and says hey I want you to mow my neighbor's yard and I'm going to give you $250,000 a year

and you'd be like really? what else? that's it Kyle's going to go with you and you are going to, really? What else? That's it. Kyle's going to go with you. And you are going to turn whatever new job you get into into a third rail electrified fence for you and everybody around you because that's the energy level you operate at because in your soul, you believe your value is based on how fast and long and hard you can go.

And somewhere, somebody, whether it was your old man or your mom or your friends or a combination of whatever ecosystem you grew up in, told you that rest is for lazy losers. And income, income, performance, go. That's what a man does, right. That's how we're going to, that's what a man does, right? That's how you get it. That's how you do it. Go, go, go.

And you're right. You can make a lot of money. You can be on the road and you can crush it and kill it and devour it. And then last I looked, men lead planet earth in money and wealth and accumulation. And men lead Earth in cancer, stroke, heart attacks, and on and on and on. Right? Right. We are proving and achieving ourselves to death. And so my question for you is, where did you hear for the first time that your value is in what you did and how fast and how far you went?

Man, I don't know. It's just a lifelong thing of, you know. Is it ringing true? Yeah. So listen to me, Kyle. How old are you? 27, just recently. 27. So here's my guess by 35 you'll have some sort of weird physical thing if you don't already it'll be a really weird thing in your neck your knees are

going to hurt something's going to be physical on you are you already there do you have a thing yeah i've gained a lot of weight because of stress and work and stuff like that, and now everything hurts. Okay. And so your body's hollering at you. We're not okay. Right? Right. And here's the deal.

If that girlfriend loves you, or she wouldn't be trying to come up with solutions, she would have just bailed on you. It's pretty cool that you have her in your life. Here's what an SSRI will do. Here's what it did for me. It will slow the alarms down so that you can actually do the work. You can actually sit down and meet with people. You can go talk to a counselor. You can, if you don't want to go sit in the presence of somebody, which I recommend, I've got a partnership with BetterHelp, right? You can get online and get a therapist that way. But it will help you slow down and do that work.

It is not a solution long-term. And most people take it, and then it allows them to stay at or accelerate their current pace. How much weight have you gained in the last few years? Like 130 pounds. Yeah. What's the end road for you? What do you mean? You're 27. What's a 45 year old Kyle looking like? Not physically, but paint me a picture. More than anything. I want to be, I want to be like a good dad and husband more than any like career aspirations. But like, it's hard for me to pull myself away from it. How come?

I don't know. It's the, you know, tell me if you're not moving, you're dead kind of thing. If you're not, if you're not moving, you're dying.

Right. Yeah. So I want to tell you this, like if you waste an hour in you're dying, right? Yeah. So I want to tell you this. Like if you waste an hour in a day or something like that, you should have been doing something else. There you go. There you go. And so you're, listen, man,

you've been redlining that machine for 20 years now. And I'm telling you, I work really hard. I work real hard. And I was up at 5 this morning exercising. Like, I'm all about work hard, okay? And I won't go to bed until late tonight, and I'm working on a book at the house. I'm all about working hard.

But I also canceled an event at somebody's house tonight so I could go sit at a baseball game and so I could go have dinner with my family. And I'm not saying I'm great, dude. I'm still figuring this out myself. But I had to build in time today to be with people. And I've got a phone call after this show. Right?

You've got to build it in. It's got to be part of your life. And it starts with you valuing Kyle. And right now, you don't. You're running, brother. You're running, you're running, you're running. And here's what I want to tell you. You're worth a good night's sleep.

You're worth an exercise routine. You're worth. You're running. And here's what I want to tell you. You're worth a good night's sleep. You're worth an exercise routine. You're worth eating well. You're worth that girl walking in and hugging you so tight you can't breathe. And I want that for you, Kyle, so bad, way more than I want you to get another sale or another whatever it is you do. Okay. Okay. Okay. So yeah, if going to see a psychiatrist is going to help, but I don't want you to put a pill in your mouth

until you work with that psychiatrist to get a plan for how long you're going to do this. And it's going to have to come with a lot of behavioral modifications. Choosing to change the way you live. Okay. Okay. Okay. There's something, you're not going to do it though, huh? I want to.

Okay, so why aren't you going to choose it? I can hear it and you're going to be like, all right, bro, cool. And you're going to hang up and you're going to be like, that sucked. And you're going to have like two beers tonight and then tomorrow you can be back at it. No, I mean, like I definitely want to do this. I just don't know where to start, I guess. But I mean, looking for a psychiatrist will be the first part. All right. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you a copy of my redefining anxiety book. I'm going to send to you for free. Okay. Stay on the line and Kelly's going to mail it to you. Okay. Okay. And, um, I want you to to me today, before you go see a psychiatrist, I want you to go see a counselor.

Okay. Actually, you know what? If you've gained 130 pounds in the last year or two, I want you to go see a medical doctor. Okay. You got a lot going on. And I want you to sit down and tell somebody, not your physical symptoms. I want you to tell them I'm not okay. I'm tired of running and running and running and running.

And I want to make some lifestyle changes. And if the doctor says, well, we can just give you a pill for that, I want you to go say, well, no, thank you. And go see another doctor. Okay. I want you to find someone who will listen to you and will talk with you and will say, hey, we're going to give you some medication if we need to, but we're also going to connect you with a counselor and we're going to get you on a plan because this is a absolutely solvable challenge and you're up for it. If you put this much energy, the energy you put into staying alive and making that next sale into being well and whole, dude, you're going to be the greatest dad ever. You're going to be the most extraordinary husband of all time.

And then you know what? Your business wins will come comically easy to you. Because you'll be doing it from a platform of sleep and wholeness and wellness and relationship, dude. Okay. And what I'll tell you is when I was your age, I got called in. Maybe I was a little bit old, maybe 34, 35. I had a buddy who was a college president, and I wanted a job. And he called me and said, I can't hire you because you're electric.

You're a tuning fork in every room you walk into. You're just zzzz. His exact words were, you're too volatile. Does that sound familiar to you? Yeah, that's actually been written on one of my reports once. Ta-da! Now, fast forward a few years, I'm the calmest guy of my friends now. Okay?

So I want to stand out there and say, it's hard work, but you're going to get there. But it all starts with you being able to look in the mirror and say i'm worth getting well and i'm telling you guys as a guy who's never met you you are 1000 okay well no still like hearing you on the radio now like knowing if you were like this it was i mean that's definitely a plan that i want to follow and do that's awesome brother that's awesome's awesome, awesome, awesome. It starts with you looking in the mirror. Look at that girlfriend of yours tonight, tomorrow. I want you to look her in the eye and say, I'm ready to make some life changes. And I'm so grateful that you've stuck with me. And I've been hard to be with for the last few years. Today, things are going to be different. Starting today, we're going to go for a walk after dinner tonight.

And then in the morning, I'm not going to do some crazy workout plan, but in the morning I'm going to get up and I'm going to write five things I'm grateful for. And then I'm going to go for a walk. And then I'm going to make an appointment with a doctor, a local doctor. She works in the field, so she can hook you up with somebody good. And you're going to start a journey of taking a left turn in your life, man. And I can't wait. I want you to call me every step of the way. Every time you're down 25 or 50 pounds, I want you to call me. Every time somebody cuts you off and you bow your head and you say a quick prayer for them and say, I hope they're getting to the hospital soon. Instead of swearing, cut me off. I'm going to get a bigger truck. Instead of just going, man,

hope they're doing okay. I want you to call me every step of the way as you turn this thing around. Get people to walk with you. So grateful for the call, Brother Kyle. Let's take a break. We'll be right back. All right. I want to take a quick break and answer one of the most common questions I get. Deloney, I can't find a counselor in my area or I can't afford one. Listen, help is here. I've partnered with BetterHelp for customized online therapy for you. Video therapy, phone therapy, or you can even text with a licensed therapist in your area or somewhere across the country to get the help that you need when you need it.

Go to BetterHelp.com slash Deloney for 10% off your first month. Listen, online therapy is less expensive than in-person therapy. I've taken away all of your excuses. Now you have to recognize you're worth being well. Go see a counselor online with betterhelp.com today. All right, we are back. And hey, look, I want to take an email that we got, and it caused some discussion here in the office. And so here's the email. It's from Shay. Shay writes,

I recently got out of an abusive relationship, and my ex is now dating someone new. I approached her and told her about his abuse, sex addiction, and cheating. So, Shay approached the new girlfriend and said, hey, I'm going to tell you about his abuse, sex addiction, and cheating. She says she hasn't experienced these issues and is staying with him. Should I do more to try and convince her or is there a possibility that their relationship could actually be healthy? So, when I read this, my first thought was, what are you doing? Don't go to your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend and start running him down. Except the thing she was running him down was about abuse and also his infidelity and sex addiction. So my first thought

was, yeah, I guess their relationship could be healthy if he actually was an abusive person, and it doesn't say what kind of abuse. So let's say emotional abuse and he was a sex addict and he was a cheater. Yeah, those are probably going to show up again, those behaviors, unless he just saw the light one day walking down the road. And so I guess they could be healthy. My bigger challenge is this. You don't get a vote. It's not your relationship, Shay.

You don't get to speak into your ex's new relationship with somebody else. And I know that's so hard to hear, but you shouldn't be calling her, right? She says she hasn't experienced these things that she knows of. That's not your responsibility. You got to go quietly into the night and go find somebody else. What do you all think? So if it is like actual actual i mean abuse is abuse but say it's physical abuse and it's something pretty serious yeah and you know that and they're

they're dating somebody new like what what responsibility do you have if any like you just kind of sit back and so if somebody was physically unsafe right i would call the police and let them get involved in that and say, hey, I was harmed by this person. This person is now with somebody else. And the police would do a welfare check and go check in on that person. I can't wrap my head around calling an ex's new person and being like, hey, just so you know. Does that make sense? It does.

I mean, if they're like in the – maybe they're in the same friend circle or something like that yeah it wouldn't it yeah maybe that's it maybe maybe she's friends with the other person too as a female i would say if i had dated a guy especially if we're talking physical abuse physical abuse feels different yeah it feels different and he had physically abused someone previously. I would want to know that. Either through the ex calling me or if we had a mutual friend that we could call. Because my thought, reality, the police aren't going to do anything. Nothing's happened.

They don't have time. So I would want to know that because that's information I would need to know before I decided to stay. If there's possible physical abuse. What about, hey, he's a cheater? Sounds like, I wonder if she cheated with him, like on you. How would that call go? Hey, I want you to know that this guy cheats.

And she would be like, yeah, I super know because I was the other person. Well, I took that, I did the email. So I know that there was overlap between the two of them. Uh-oh. Okay. And she did let her know that, but she made the choice to stay. But I wouldn't think that you would necessarily need to call on that.

But when it's physical safety, and it could be somebody's life. Yeah. So, yes, you took that to DEF CON. But the fact that she ended the email by saying, or is there a chance it could work? It sounds like she's just trying to get in their business. When I read it, it felt like, hey, I just need to let her know that he's not very nice. Don't say, sorry, your relationship with him is over.

He's an ex, right? Now, this whole thing gets messier if they've got kids together or there's some other, you know, they share a house together or something like that. I think we took one of those calls once where we broke up, but we're still sharing a house. But, yeah, I do agree. If there is a chance that somebody's not safe, you got to let somebody know, right? You got to make that phone call. But at the end of the day, if you break up, you broke up, right? And someone has addictions or cheating, I'm going to say stay out of it and keep your

relationship, get with your... Yeah, I don't know, man. and keep your relationship, get with your... Yeah. I don't know, man. I really wish I was talking to Shea in person here because I have a thousand different questions here. But yeah, mind your business. I wish I had another nicer way to say that, but mind your business.

Sound good? Mind your business? Yeah. That's the kind of great radio coaching I get from the producer. I think this is why we don't do email questions a ton because it requires a lot of digging in. So, there you go.

Well, way to be a fun ruiner.com. .net.org, James Childs. I happen to love this email question, Shay. Thank you for writing in. If you have any more email questions, write to johndeloney.com slash show. Do not put the www in front of all that because you don't even have to because it's

2021. Go to johndeloney.com slash show kelly will pick it up and if it's a great email and she can somehow get it through james then we'll do another email on the show so so glad you wrote shay that that's a messy one man yeah mind your business all right we're gonna end on today's show oh my gosh and what a what an incredible song. I can just play it. Oh my goodness, 2001 off the incredibly titled Be Not Nobody. Lots of negatives going on in that one. Vanessa Carlton comes out with a masterpiece. I can nail that on piano. I know how to play it.

Was that the one piano song you learned to try to get people to think you're a great piano player? Yeah. Yeah. Vanessa Carlton's A Thousand Miles, and I don't care who you are or what you are, this song is good. And if you're a metalhead and you love Pantera, I don't care, you'll love this song too. And if you're a country music savant, you'll love this song too. And if you love yourself some, I don't care. You love this song too. And if you're a country music savant, you love this song too. And if you love yourself some hip-hop, you especially love this song too. And it goes like this.

Making my way downtown, walking fast, faces past, and I'm homebound. Staring blankly ahead, just making my way, making a way through the crowd. And I need you, and I miss you, and now I wonder if I could fall into the sky, do you think time would pass me by? Because you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you tonight. Such a great pause. And it's always times like these when I think of you and wonder if you ever think of me, because everything's so wrong and I don't belong living in your precious memory. That's a good line right there, Vanessa, because I need you and I miss you. And now I wonder if I could fall into the sky. Do you think time would pass me by? Because you know, I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you

tonight. This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.