The Dr. John Delony Show - Setting Boundaries While Working From Home

Episode Date: May 4, 2022

Today, we’re talking with a mom of three who’s exhausted from managing sobriety and disordered eating, a welder who needs work-from-home boundaries with his family, and a woman wondering if she should let her mom’s boyfriends (who she doesn’t know or trust) around her young daughter. Lyrics of the Day: "Stacy's Mom" - Fountains of Wayne Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. So my mom, she's been married three times. She just goes from boyfriend to boyfriend. She likes to spend time with my two-year-old, which is great. But the boyfriend is always around in some way. Either he lives there or she has to do something. Nope. I'll solve that one for you.

The answer is no. Good morning, wherever you happen to be. This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I guess I should have said good morning to you, good morning to your family. And I hope you're doing well wherever you happen to be. I conflated those two. My wife often says, John, that's a lot of pronouns. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking well wherever you happen to be. I conflated those two. My wife often says,

John, that's a lot of pronouns. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. You combine sentences and I think I just did that there. So quick slap it up, flip it, reverse it. Good morning. Hope you're doing well. Hope your family's well.

I hope your mental health is well. I hope your relationships are well. And if they're not, that's what we are here for. To walk alongside you and help figure out what the next right crooked thing to do is. Let's go right to the phones.

Let's go to Maria in Tampa. What's up, Maria? Hi. How we doing? I am just so excited and very, very grateful. I'm excited. Thank you so much for your time. No, good grief.

I'm so grateful for you. You're too kind. So what's up? Okay. I am super displeased with the way that I am managing my disordered eating and maintaining my sobriety. Walk me through it. Tell me more. So in the process of trying to frame up my question neatly, which is kind of difficult. I was going to say, disordered eating and addiction are never summed up neatly. So give me the whole messy mess. Okay. So I, first of all, am a mom.

I have three kids, five and under. So I am in just the best season of life. This is true. I am not being sarcastic. Okay. Okay. Okay, so I have racing thoughts. It feels like multiple trains of thoughts zipping by in different directions, super fast, super loud, all the time in my head. And it all seems very urgent, like needs to be thought of right now, past, present, future, to-do list, shame, all of it at one time, all the time.

And I don't know how to step out of that, turn it down, dismiss the thoughts. I also, like I never, I had a really chaotic childhood. And so like the binge purge thing made a lot of sense for a while for me because it just was like a semblance of control in my life. But I don't know how to take care of myself is what it comes down to. I do not know how to relax so that I might enjoy my body and my brain. And I'm just like, I'm not having a good time. And I'm going to be bold and say I deserve'm not having a good time. And I'm going to be bold and say, I deserve to be having a good time. Because this is literally exactly the life that I've always wanted.

And I find myself constantly dysregulated, angry, agitated, short-tempered. And therefore, everyone around me experiences that too. God, you make... I got more, but... I know you do. me experiences that too. God, you make... I don't... I got more, but... I know you do. You're just incredible. Let me just say that outright. And not enough people

tell you that, and I'm grateful. You have an ability to... You've been to counseling before? Yes. In attempts to overcome what was just like a lot of disconnection. There you go. My mom put me in treatment patients like five times and it never worked because it wasn't the problem. I also was suicidal.

Like I just needed like a hug, I think. And nobody knew that or like understood that. And so after I moved out and like started living my life with my like now husband, I realized I have a level of extremely difficult for me to apply any of the nerd things that I know a lot about. And I am so frustrated. I'm so, and I'm a perfectionist. And so I'm like super full of shame and guilt like all the time. Yeah. Okay.

The reason I asked if you've been in counseling was you have a you're years down the road towards being well and i know you don't realize that your ability to see from an elevated position both what's going on and you're putting some distance between your response to what's going on and your ability to point at, all right, here's where it is. And I don't, I don't, I see, I hear the, the engine knocking right here, right? Your ability to do that is light years ahead of most people I talk to. Good for you. Like, I don't, I want you to know the work you've put in has not been wasted. Okay. The word that keeps coming to mind as you're talking is a, it's a scary wasted. Okay. Um, the word that keeps coming to mind as you're talking is a,

it's a scary word. Okay. Um, for a couple of different reasons, but the word that keeps coming to mind is exhaustion. Dude, I have a four month old and a two year old and five year old, and they're all in my bed. And more than that, your body's been a fight or flight for about 30 years, right? Yeah, yeah. And so there's a point when you keep adding in the quote unquote right things. I crossed the finish line. I got the life I wanted.

You overcame so many odds to get where you're, to achieve what you've achieved and to cross the finish lines you've crossed. Can we recognize that? It's incredible. Thank you for saying that. The professionals who were around you when you were 14 would have looked at just an actuarial table and said, this is probably not likely where you've landed. And it's a testament to strength and grit. And you've probably got chewed off, broken fingernails because you scratched and clawed your way to this point.

You had a picture in your head and you will achieve this. Am I right? Correct. And you found a guy. Tell me about him. Is he awesome? He is awesome. Equally crazy.

But we have just, we found each other, uh, like super young and have been together ever since we've been together for 10 years. And we, you know, like on paper, I've done everything the right way. Like we dated for a few years and we were married for a year and then we had started having babies and we're starting our own company and I mean, lots of really great things, but, um, he also did not receive, I mean, I guess just proper instruction for living love and just like basic things. Yeah. So we're just figuring it out together and we kind of take turns being the like, I don't know, more stable one, more mature one. We just grow together. So you've done all the right stuff.

The one giant glaring omission that I think is the hardest thing to do is you have not made peace with Maria and you have run from what Maria was. You've run from the hell that was your childhood. And you say chaotic. I'm calling BS on that. You've had some, you've seen some stuff. Fair? Yes, sir. Okay. You, you haven't made peace with Maria and because you haven't made peace with Maria. And because you haven't made peace, and I'm like, I'm at you, right? Imagine me and you having chips and salsa, right? And like, I don't know if you're sober,

but we're having a drink, we're hanging out, okay? And your husband's hanging out and we're just chilling. So I'm not getting onto you, I'm just telling you. Until you let Maria go, Maria, nine years old,, Maria 14 years old, Maria four is still fighting on your behalf because there's still a mom that no matter what the hell you do, you cannot make her get off your back. And then she tries to solve it by sending you away from her, right? Am I on to it? You still there?

Yeah. Yeah. Am I right? Tell me I'm wrong. No, you're so right. She just, like, it feels bad because I know. Nope, nope, nope. Don't defend her. She's a grown-up.

She's a grown-up. You don't have to defend her right now. Yep. She didn't know, though. That. Nope. Nope. Don't defend her. She's a grown up. She's a grown up. You don't have to defend her right now. Yep. She didn't know though. That's okay. But it doesn't minimize the hurt. Right? So true.

Yeah. No, it still hurts. What about dad? Where was dad? Well, they got a divorce when I was three. They co-parent. No, not well. We saw him about every other weekend.

And then, um, cause my brother and I are close in age. And then, uh, when I was probably 12, my brother moved out to live with him and I pretty much stopped all contact. Like the, he stopped talking to me. I stopped talking to him. We never saw each other until I had my first kid and that was like five years ago. So it's never. And there's a three to 12 year old Maria continuing to ask herself, what could I have done differently to keep this thing together?

How could I have acted a little bit different so that dad would come around a little bit more? And then they took your lifeline away, which is your brother. And then at 12 years old, you found yourself responsible for mom's emotional stability. Fair? Yeah. If I say this, mom flies off the handle. So I need to make sure that I don't say this, I don't eat this, I don't do this. I need to clamp down on everything I can control.

Because if I don't, mom fill in the blank. Fair? Yeah. That's an exhausted nine-year-old little girl. And so running from, and again, can I tell you, my family situation is different, but the sprinting, and I recognize this in the mirror, okay? So I feel like I'm talking to myself here. I sprinted so hard to show with my income and my job title and the university I worked for and my two healthy little kids and my pretty wife that I could get all of the stuff. And my body was still swinging and kicking and running and hiding as it had been since I was little, little, little. And so the work now is less perfection.

And this stuff gets more sophisticated. And so have you started binging again? I binge. I find that it's like, yes, but not as frequently by any means. But it's like when I'm particularly tired, particularly frustrated, like I am just in the middle of all of these kids and everybody's screaming and instead of screaming or like wanting to drink, I might just go eat a whole box of nutty bars and pop trice and a bag of gummy worms. Oh my gosh. You just said all my things.

They are my favorite and I can't have them in the house because it's like, what is self-control? Is that a thing? Listen, I was on the phone with my doctor again this weekend, Dr. Vickery.

I think he's one of the greatest doctors in the United States of America. And he told me, as a reminder, he saw my blood work and I've got it out of the house for X number of months now. And he said, I have never, like, my triglycerides have dropped, all sorts of metrics,

I don't want to geek out. But he said, as a reminder, you can't have these in your house based on your genetic profile, right? So, but let's back out. So yes, you're right. It just is and it stinks and I hate it. And that's, that's the, that's the cards we've been dealt. Right. Um, some people look like Brad Pitt. Some people look like me. Right. And that's just the cards I got dealt. And so I just have to know. Um, but let's back out for a second. Can we get real graphic? Is that cool? Yeah, please. Like all the, yes. When you throw up and your stomach rolls, it's rolling over that hill. And you get to the point

where it starts taking on, it starts doing it itself and your core tightens up a lot and then it relaxes and it tightens up, relaxes and your tears come just because it's your body working so hard.

There is a complete and total when that's over right a release am I right? yes yeah that's your body

that's your head and your mind trying to find ways that it can go whoosh like why not just go take a walk like how come I cannot like I am because your body is at war Maria? Because your body is at war.

Maria, Maria, your body's at war. Your body's at war. And what age were you when the first time... Well, I won't pre... I'm pretty sure I'm right. What was the age somebody hurt you? I cannot remember okay

before 12 or after 12 or both? before and after but I subjected myself to it after as a teenager nope nope nope nope nope nope

nope nope not true if I would have just said those words to my own kid like that would have been the most messed up thing. Like, I did not subject myself to anything as a kid I was taken advantage of and not supervised. That's right.

That's right. And you're continuing to tell 14-year-old Maria, 17-year-old Maria, who was desperate for someone to look at her and say, you're worthy, even for 30 minutes. Yeah. Desperate for somebody to say, no, you're worth being around. On my terms, but you're worth being around. Right? Do you see what I'm saying?

Here's what I'm trying to do. I'm just trying to draw a thread here to an incredible mother and a woman of strength. You have no idea how strong you are. The amount of energy you and your body put forth every day to hold back the tsunami is something that most of us walking through life have absolutely no idea. And the greatest gift you can give yourself is to put your arms down and let

the water run because it'll drain out. And your body will know sleep and your body will know intentionality. And then you'll have actual, you'll have strength for willpower. And this is all neuroscientists. Isn't just like woo woo like. No, but like how like literally what do I do to do that here's what you gotta do you've got to go enter into a therapeutic relationship with somebody with one

goal in mind not to stop a behavior but to make peace with Maria keep these words in your mind you have to let that little girl go play. And right now she's fighting off an uncle. She's fighting off your brother's friends.

She's fighting off high school. She's fighting off mom. She's fighting off dad. What was it about me? Why'd y'all take my brother from me? And then all of the decisions that you make, right? The band-aids that we use, drink this, sleep with him, do this, snort that,

all of those things are a brain saying, somebody freaking connect with me. And now you're a mother with a beautiful family. By the way, you're in the middle of a blender. You know that, right? Yeah, and that's like, I want to enjoy it. I know. And I want them to enjoy it.

And your brains got increasingly sophisticated modes of trying to take care of you. When you were a kid, it was behavior A and action B and action C. Now your brain is going to just run and run and run and run, trying to get your attention. And occasionally it will build up and build up and build up like an itch you can't scratch until you just eat everything and then throw up and get that complete and utter whoosh.

And then you can start building it back up again. You have to, have to, have to do two things. You got to go get into a therapeutic relationship. You got to call somebody, okay? And let them know, I've built it back. I'll storm the gates of hell with my strength. I'm strong. And I'm ready to heal.

And the second thing you're going to have to do, which my guess is you don't have, is you're going to have to get a couple of women in your life that you trust that become your friends. Have you ever done that? No. My guess is you are lonely, lonely, lonely. And you have the picture of everything that looks good,

but your body is screaming, where are my friends? Yeah. Is that fair? Mm-hmm. Okay. Those two things. Are you hearing me? I tell you how great ABA you are.

You get that? I hear you. It's really impressive. The work forward now, like we have to talk to some people like in the gym who work out too much, like professional athletes who work out too hard, is I'm going to have to train you,

I'm going to have to teach you how to rest, how to back it down. That's where you are. Yes, so that's like a therapist, right? That's where you are. Is. Yes, so that's like a therapist, right? That's exactly right. And you have to be willing to do hard now. That sounds so mean. I know, Maria.

You're going to have to be willing to walk through some old memories that your body's protecting you from. You're going to have to walk through some real anger towards your dad and some real anger towards your mom, even though you love them. You're going to have to walk through some real forgiveness and peace for your 14, 15, 17, 22, 25-year-old self. Because that beautiful little girl was just trying to find connection. And I don't blame her for a second. She's a kid. And you're going to have to come to terms, own, if you will. You're going to have to own what happened to your little, little girl because that crap shouldn't happen

either. You are brave and strong and you've done all this work leading up to right now. And now's when you jump off the deep end with the help of a professional and we're gonna go get well and in about six months in about nine months I want you to call me back because my guess is you're gonna put on about four or five pounds of muscle you're gonna smile and you're gonna be laughing

and you're gonna be saying oh my because you still got three kids under five but it's gonna be different air that you're breathing I'm so so proud of you. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of On Your Past, Change Your Future. I want you to read it and internalize it. You can take it to the therapist with you and say it's time. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing

costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our

emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at Better Help. Better Help is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Let's go to David in Richmond, Virginia. What's up, D-Money? Hey, what's going on, Dr. John? Just rocking on to the break of dawn, my brother. What's up?

I hear you, man. I'm trying to see if you can point me in the right direction of establishing some boundaries between work relationships and with my wife and just trying to find some direction man um so i work from home i run my own business and i feel that right now it's kind of difficult because I am here all day long. My wife's a stay-at-home mom with our eight-month-old. So it's like I'm accessible, I'm available all the time. But if I'm available all the time, I can't work and make money. Can't make money, can't pay bills. So that's kind of why I'm reaching out.

No, I mean, what you're experiencing, I've heard all over the country for the last, especially the last few years, man. And so, A, no, you're not alone. And B, no, there is some pretty clear paths forward, okay? Mm-hmm. Have you had that conversation with her? Yes. It didn't go well, huh? It really didn't.

Okay. Tell me about it. Well, you know, I just sat down with her. I said, honey, you know, I'm trying to provide for the family. I'm trying to get us out of your parents' house. I'm trying to help our future grow. You live with your parents? You live with your in-laws?

Yes. Oh, boy. Just a little quick synopsis is I had a job opportunity in Florida, so I established a connection down there, and I told this person, hey, you know, if everything is serious, then I'll pursue it.

He said, yep, everything's good. So I quit my job. I was running my side business, and I quit my full-time job, sold the house. We planned to live with my in-laws for a month or so until we could find a place down there, move down there, and start up down there. Well, he called me after I quit my job and said, hey, this opportunity has come and gone with another person filling that role. Oh, man.

That's it. All right. Here we are. So you moved. How long have you all been in your mother-in-law's house? We've been here since December. So four, five months. Is she pumping your wife full of, well, he should be,

or is it a good place to be? It's not a bad place to be. There's some negativity just with their personality types. Well, just sleeping with your wife in her parents' house is weird, man. You know what I mean? It is weird. Do you have kids too? Yes. We have an eight month is. It is weird. Do you have kids too? Yes.

We have an eight-month-old. Oh, my gosh. Okay. So tell me what a normal – well, let me back up. You had this conversation. You said, hey, I'm trying to – I need to put some boundaries around my workday. And she said no? Mm-hmm.

She said no? She said no? Well, she said she told me I'm trying to stay out of your hair. I'm trying to let you be out there, let you work. I don't know if the fact that I get up at 4 o'clock

every morning and come out here and work before her and our daughter gets up, if that's taking a toll on her, you know, not waking up beside her, that kind of stuff, I don't know. And then staying out here until 5 o'clock in the evening, I don't know if it's she just misses me throughout the day. That'd be kind of cool if she did, right? Yeah, I mean, it is.

I think it's great that, you know, we have that connection where she does miss me throughout the day. So I'm missing something here. I'm missing something here. So has she come out and bothering you or knocking on the door or interrupting you and saying, hey, I need you to cut the yard or, hey, can you watch the baby while I go do a thing? And you're in the middle of a project of some sort. Yeah, so this is kind of how the daily routine goes. It's pretty much down to a T.

So I'll get up about 4 o'clock. I'll go take a shower, come outside, go to work. I'm working. What are you working on? 7.30, 8 o'clock. I do welding and fabrication. Okay. So you're just? 7.30, 8 o'clock. I do welding and fabrication. Okay. So you're just cranking.

You're just getting it done. I'm rolling. Okay. And about 7.30, 8 o'clock, I go inside, help her get our daughter up. And then, you know, I'll have me some breakfast and come back out. And that generally will run until about 8., nine o'clock, um, at night, 10 30. Uh, no, that's just the morning. Okay. 10 30. She'll come out here and visit me. Then I turn around, I'm back in at 12 o'clock eating lunch. And then she's out here multiple times throughout the day. And

I'm just, I'm trying to find that balance of, hey, honey, let me work, or hey, honey, I'm in the middle of something. I can't just stop what I'm doing and come inside for three hours at a time. I can't just, even though I'm self-employed, I can't just not work for an entire afternoon and go shopping with you. Right. So how much of this do you feel guilt, and how much of this do you feel is actual pressure? As far as the pressure, what do you mean?

Meaning, if she swings by and says, hey, do you want to come run the grocery store with us? We're about to all go. You look around, and you're covered in sweat you got your face shield on you're in the middle of bending something and you're like i mean what about what's happening right now makes you think i want to go to the grocery store and then you feel guilty like well i guess i should probably be going to the store so you know i mean how much of that is her just trying to reach out and be a human and you're taking on the burden of this versus her saying, you can never go with me. Why can't you ever go? You're just sitting here all day. Right.

Which one of these is the truth? For me, it's more the fact that I feel like I'm letting her down by not spending time with her and dedicating my workday to a job. This is, my guess is this is on you as much, if not more than is on her. And I'll say that in a negative way, just saying you've got, you're the one that's at home and you're struggling with being there and withholding boundaries. So here's an easy thing. Right outside the studio door is a red light,

and there's a switch that goes right inside, and they flip it whenever we're recording, so everybody knows not to come in here. I want you to go to Home Depot, and you're handy enough, you can do this in 30 minutes, and get a switch and a bulb and a red bulb and put it on the outside of your shop. And when you go into work, I want you to flip it on,

and it's red, and I want you to sit down with her and say, when this red light's on, that means I'm unavailable. When it's off, then I'm working on something. I'm sitting down. I'm drawing up. I'm in a position where if you swing by, I can talk to you. And then I want you to begin drawing boundaries around your workday. Because you're getting up at 4 a.m., you're working until nighttime, and you're coming in at various moments here and there, which is confusing for everybody. I want you to have an on time and an off time. And when you're off at whatever time, be off at whatever time and then

be fully present. Most families I'm talking to across the country are drowning from the toggling. I'm at home at the table, but I'm at work on my phone, right? I'm sitting in the kitchen while my wife's cooking, but my head is actually trying to solve a problem at work and she's talking and I'm only hearing half of what she's saying. And then she feels like I'm not paying attention to her. And then she internalizes that. And then she gets frustrated. And then I internalize that frustration and I get, see what I'm saying? It becomes this gap. So keep these words in your mind, be wherever you are. When you're in the shop, turn it on and off.

Give yourself a work day as though you are your own boss. You got to be in the shop running and gunning by 4.30. You get off at 7.30 for your first hour break and you get an hour until 8.30 and then from 8.30 until noon you're cranking for three and a half hours and you get from 12 to 1 off and then you go until 6 or till 5 and then you're off

see what I'm saying and then sit down with your wife and say this is going to be my schedule and own what you got to own and then let go of the other stuff you see what i'm saying you got to find some balance there unless you're in a season where you're starting your own business you're trying to grind from scratch because somebody yanked the wool out from under you and this is just a season of six months or 18 months or two years where man it's

24 7 365 i'm just trying to build a book of business and I'm going and I'm going and I'm going and I'm going. Is that where you are too? I'm in between that phase right now. I'm at a crossroads as well with my business between either taking it a hundred percent and just cranking this business up to what it can be and or going and getting a day job to be able to even qualify for a mortgage because self-employment is two years of history and I'm not trying to live in my in-laws house for another year and a half you can go rent a house just fine yeah and that's the discussion that me and her have had and, you know, what kind of areas and stuff like that. And that's,

that's the other part that I'm, I'm kind of struggling with is. Brother, but listen, don't overthink it. Just go rent a house. It's not where you're going to live forever. It's going to be for six months or it's going to be for a year or go get a

two bedroom apartment, man. It's not your in-laws house. If you can afford it, go get it done. And well, what about the schools? And what about the, man, you got an eight month old, right? You'll figure out the, that's why we tell people to rent because you'll find out in short order. Is this a community you want to live in? Or do you want to go find somewhere else to live further away, closer? And you know, off the the top of your head whether you want to run this business or you want to get a job. You know that. And I would tell you to quit Dyson either way. I'm like, I don't know. Just jump in. And if it's going to be working on this

business, get with a crew. I'll send you a couple of books real quick. Not real quick, but I'll send you a couple of books I want you to read. I'm going to send you Entree Leadership by Old Man by Dave Ramsey. And I'm going to send you Ken Coleman's book, From Paycheck to Purpose. It's going to walk you through the blueprint for going to get a job in a strange city that you just, in a state that you just got dropped off in. And it's going to provide you a path towards running your own small business. Either way, you're going to have to have a roadmap. And I'm going to provide you with either roadmap, okay?

But you just got to pull the trigger and go do it. When it comes to boundaries at home, go get a light and turn it on and off and be very clear. Here's my new work schedule. Type it out on a piece of paper, print it up, let her speak into it

and then let this be this. And there's going to be some like, is he really serious about this? I don't know. What do you think? There's going to be some awkwardness and some, I told you. That's fine. That's to be expected.

But you're going to live by this work schedule, right? And then, man, guys, get your own place. It's time. Get your own place. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado

of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages

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All right, we're back. Let's go to, let's see here. Zach in Chi-town, Chicago. What's up, Zach? Oh, not much. How are you doing today, Dr. John? We're just figuring it out, my brother. How can I help, man? I'm good. Well, I got an issue. Well, I guess I don't know if it's an issue or not. Hopefully you can help me out with that. Go ahead. So my mom, she's been married three times, and she just can't seem to have a relationship that sticks.

And she just goes from boyfriend to boyfriend. She don't even leave the one before she gets with the other. It's crazy. And I have a two-year-old, and she likes to spend time with my two-year-old, which is great, but the boyfriend is always around in some way. Either he lives there or she has to do something. Nope. I'll solve that one for you.

Answer's no. See, and I always, you know, I'm married, but I always heard, you know, like with divorces and stuff, you should be careful of bringing somebody new around. I just didn't know, like, I just didn't know if it was a huge deal having someone, you know, because they just visit for a couple hours or whatever. I didn't know how to go about that. Super, super direct. Yeah, man, the number of young women I've met with over the years, I can't even count.

Mom's boyfriend. Stepdad's girlfriend. Like, the number of people who've had negative interactions there, I mean, I can't even count. So I don't know what the statistics on that is. I don't want to overstate it, but two things are sounding loud and clear to me. Number one, either you or your wife have some alarm bells going off. Listen to your gut when it comes to your kid, okay? Listen to your gut. Number two, it's as simple as simple as mom I love you so much

anytime you want to come over here and be with a kid that is great I am overbearing when it comes to people that I don't know interacting with their child and so I don't want her or him around any of your boyfriends but honey they're just my no I'm sorry, mom.

I know. I know it's weird and I know it's a lot and it's probably me just being a first-time parent. That's fine. But I don't want my baby around anybody that we don't know and that we're not comfortable with. If you date somebody for a long time and bring them around and I get to know them and our wife gets to know them

and we both feel like that person's safe, then great. But that's our decision to make. And it could cause drama. It could cause, well, then fine, you're judging me. That's all. You can't control how mom's going to respond. What you can do is protect that baby little girl. And that's not a risk I'm willing to take. Okay. So you're saying just- You sound disappointed, man. Once we get to know him, six months, a year down the road, whatever the case may be, then it might be okay. They might not be a bad guy.

It's just, we have no idea. Yeah. I don't care. I mean, it, it, like, it's not my job to filter through whether this, I'm just going to say, I don't want this person in my kid's life. And given your, um, like your description of your mother's history there. Yeah. I don't want that in my life.

You know what I mean? What is it about the boyfriends that makes you uneasy? There's something that's setting your alarms off. Well, it's just every boyfriend she's had or husband, there's always been a problem. Her first husband was my dad, of course, and they divorced before I was even two. So I can't tell you what the problem was there. But her second husband, he was angry all the time, always yelling, throwing things and just, just crazy situations. And her third husband, same way. So it's just her judgment is always off. Can I ask you a harder question? I never know what she's going to bring home, so to speak. So to say she's never had good judgment. So I wouldn't expect the next one

to have good judgment, even though I don't even know who he is I just gotta expect probably gonna be a problem can I ask you a hard question? does your baby need to be around your mom right now? you know that's a good question it's not a good question

that's a softball question your mom is the comment denominator here probably not that's a good question it's not a good question that's a simple that's a softball question your mom is the comment denominator here probably not she figures her stuff out that's right and that's a really really hard conversation and I know that yeah and I'm sorry that that's been dropped in your lap there

because the picture of the perfect grandma that can come by and pick up the baby so we can, me and my wife can still go on dates. All that is so great, man. Or just dropping the kid off so I can go to Target real quick and Home Depot for a minute and clear my head. Man, and the Christmases and all those fantasy pictures are so good. It doesn't sound like your mom's a safe space for that baby girl right now. And it might be that grandma can see her granddaughter around you guys. When y'all are at your house, that sounds great.

And it might be that y'all have to set a broad boundary. Like we're not letting her go to anybody's house right now. We're kind of circling the wagons a little bit for a season. You're not going to let her come see your grandma? No, no, you can come over here and see her. That's fine, but we're going to keep her here, and that's going to impact you guys. It's going to be hard because it's going to impact your dating life,

and it's going to impact your ability to run to the store and stuff, and your daughter's worth that. Is that fair? Yeah. Yeah, you're very right. I hate that for you, man. Like, just guy to guy, I hate that. And it's just so tough because, strangely, my mom, literally, she bought a house.

Two houses down from me so she could be around. That's when she was a little more stable. And now, like I said, all this stuff going on in her life, she's never even there. She just ran off to Tennessee with her new boyfriend this week. Hey, it's weird. It's your mom, dude. That's so weird. I know. You know what I mean? If you go back and listen to this call, you're talking about your mom as though you're 48, and it's your 22-year-old daughter, which tells me you have been- No, that's how I feel like. It is, because you have been responsible for the emotional regulation of your mom your whole life.

And that's not your job. Yeah. She's an adult. And you've been carrying it and carrying it and carrying it. And part—there's a little voice in the back. Number one, your wife sees it all. She sees it all, doesn't she? Oh, yeah.

Yes. So part of this may be you sitting down with your wife saying, hey, you were super right. I'm sorry. Please don't bring this up in a future fight. I was wrong. And we're going to create some boundaries here. And they're your boundaries to create because it's your mom. But there's part of your body that doesn't want your

daughter having to carry the same load that you've had to carry. And so don't make her. And, dude, I am not for one second minimizing this. I know how hard this will be. This will be the worst, the worst, the worst. But it's right. Right? Yeah, it is.

I'll have some extra chips and queso for you, my brother. Because I know the whole thing will be hard. Maybe she'll sell the house in San Tennessee and make things easier. But probably not. Maybe. Tennessee's a great place to be. You can load up the truck and move to Beverly. But, man, I'm sorry. Two houses down.

It's like you're Ray Romano, man. Oh, geez. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point.

In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, well done, Kelly and Jenna. Today's song of the day is The Fountains of Wayne Classic. That's Stacey's mom, and it goes like this. Stacey's mom has got it going on.

Stacey, can I come over after school? We can hang around by the pool. Did your mom get back from her business trip? Is she there? Is she trying to give me the slip? You know, I'm not the little boy that I used to be. I'm all grown up now, baby. Can't you see that Stacey's mom has got it going on?

She's all I want and I've waited for so long. Stacey, can't you see you're not, you're just not the girl for me? I know it might be wrong, but I'm in love with Stacey's mom. It's got it going on. We'll see you soon. Peace out.

Coming up on the next episode. My brother has used this opportunity to financially exploit my mother. Ah, gross. In her will, she has left him the only asset she has left, which is her 120-acre farm. Why not you? The boy gets the farm. What's the girl get, the plates? The girl gets the plates, yes.

The girl gets the plates. Gosh! Why? Why? It says Annalise, Boston, dating mom's ex-boyfriend. Please tell me that's not right. Unfortunately, it is. Are you serious? What are you doing? What happened? Justin, dating mom's ex-boyfriend. Please tell me that's not right. Unfortunately, it is.

Are you serious? What are you doing? What happened?