The Dr. John Delony Show - Sexual Ethics, Weight-Loss Surgery, & Grieving a Baby

Episode Date: May 24, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   I'm in a 2-year relationship and am saving myself for marriage. I am afraid my boyfriend will get tired of waiting. I recently had weight loss surgery. I know it is not a fix-all. How can I change my way of thinking? My wife was pregnant with twins and we lost one. How do we grieve the one and still be excited and celebrate the other? Lyrics of the Day: "Single Ladies" - Beyonce   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation   tags: relationships, marriage, sexuality/intimacy, fitness/physical health, trauma/PTSD, kids, grief   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.`

On today's show, we talk to a young woman who has concerns about her sexual values and her friends giving her a hard time. We talk about how to change your habits after weight loss. And we talk about how to celebrate the life of one twin when the other one passes away. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad you're here. There's about 8,900,000 billion podcasts you could be listening to, and you chose this one. We're so grateful that you're here. Thanks for walking alongside us as we talk through relationships

and mental health challenges and schooling stuff and parenting stuff and marriage, all of it, right? If you want to be on this show, if you want to help out a whole bunch of people who are listening and you want to get my advice, which is worth about what you're going to pay for it, and that is not a lot. I'm free most of the time. Give us a call at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Leave a message, and Kelly will call you back. Or if you want to use the Internet, go to johndeloney.com slash show, fill out the form, and it will go to Kelly.

All right, so we need to have a family discussion here. James, Kelly, Zach, you're already smiling. Listen, so I've been going to counseling lately and these sessions are getting long and intense and not intense as though we're camping, but intense like, whoa. And see, I just did it right there. I, when I get uncomfortable or I get stuck or I don't know where to go next, I usually look to the people around me and I make jokes at their expense so that I can use that joke moment as a springboard into whatever's coming next. So, for instance, on this show, I'm terrible at intros and outros. And so I will look into the booth and see your two beautiful shining faces.

I can see Zach out of the corner of my eye. He's usually on checking email or something, so it's all good. I just did it right there. I just did it. Zach, you're handsome and lovely and you're working hard in there on like 80 different screens.

And I don't know how to do it. And so, listen, it's out of insecurity that I make jokes at y'all's expense all the time. There's Jim King walking through. I'm about to make a joke at his expense that I'm not going to, right? I can't help it. He's a board member here at the office. And so I think it's important to let everybody know y'all are like my friends. We eat lunch together. We hang out. So I'm sorry for using y'all as like springboards to get me

from one thing to another. I need to A, be okay with transitions. And if I want to have a better intro, maybe I can practice by myself, like a professional, like an adult or i could just make our jokes not known to all of america like kelly's shirt right now i'm just i never won we made a joke about your shirt earlier and i was calling it back to a private joke that i made off air i wasn't trying to just do that then. Your shirt is awesome. Yeah, this is going well. But just so you know, I do the same thing when I don't know what to say or whatever. If I make a snarky comment. So how do we keep joy in the world, but take out some of the snark?

I feel like the whole world's gone snark, man. To ask me, you, and James how we put more joy in the world seems so off color i mean it just seems so off brand ask zach but he just responds to thumbs up and downs don't even give him a microphone i mean it's it's fun people like the snark but i think people should know that we are friends and that we do actually like each other and that the snark is all in jest and that most of the time is because we don't really know what's coming next on the show and we're just fumbling as we go and then i got a thumbs up from zach just that's so good all right so james has said he'd been to your house and it's gonna hurt so well number one he paid number two right wow that was a snark see i don't know what to say there we go all right i'm

gonna go ahead and say we're moving on first caller that's a little bit snarky we're moving on let's go to new york new york and go to Kaylee in New York. New York. How's it going, Kaylee? Hi, John. How are you? I'm great. Thank you for taking my call. Outstanding. I'm doing well. Thanks for calling. So what's up? How can I help? So I'm 21 years old, and I've been in a relationship with a really amazing guy now for two years. The thing is, ever since I was younger, I always had this moral that I should not have sex until marriage. Okay.

And I've been getting a lot of backlash from basically all my friends and anyone who finds this out saying, you know, no guy would go two years without sex like this. And it's been really making me question the situation so much more. Like, I, you know, I just, all I know is I don't want to lose him. That's, I'm not really sure what to do from this point on. Like, I don't know, is it fine if it gets to three, four years? Like, how long is really too long? Oh man, that's a great question.

So what put this sexual ethic in your head years ago when you were little? Basically every woman in my family has done this. And not only just that, but just sort of like the reasoning behind it, you know, knowing like you, I've seen my friends also like really the distractions that can come from sex and like how you can really get to know a person better without that. Okay. It can make you blind type thing. And I feel like relationships are so much more than that. Very cool. So my initial thought is this, your body is your body and your values are your values

i don't care what any of your friends say your your what you choose to do with you is your choice and um if these friends of yours loved you and were in your corner, they may give you grief. That's what friends do, right? They may laugh and carry on, but they're not going to demean your values, whatever they happen to be, right? They may give you their friend advice,

which for all 21-year-olds is about worth what you pay for, right? So you tell me this guy's amazing, and he's been with you for two years yeah is he pressuring you too how do those conversations go sorry is he what is he pressuring you too or how are those conversations going yeah so he actually really doesn't that's the thing I also feel bad about. It's like not even one, just the backlash. But two, I just feel like at this point, like after two years and also I've actually known him since grade six. We've been best friends all throughout high school. Like I feel like I know him at this point. He's such a good guy. And like, it's also just the fact of, oh, my God, he's such a good guy. He never pressures me. He never asks for it type thing. And it's like, so why aren't I doing it at this point? Why are you creating drama where there doesn't appear to be any? You appear to have some firm values that you've carried for as long as you can remember. And at some level are generational or legacy, right?

They're not the norm and that doesn't make them weird or wrong that makes them impressive as far as i'm concerned um and then you're with somebody who who cherishes your values even when they're hard and so it sounds like things could not be drawn up better and there's some sort of discomfort here where you are starting to create fire where there is none yeah yeah so are you gonna are you gonna marry this guy are y'all having those conversations yet yeah like sort of the thing is right now we're really young and like first you know he talks about wanting a solid career like financial independence and uh but he does make remarks like oh when i marry you this or lifelong goals we talk

a lot about but the thing is i know i'm not gonna marry him anytime soon wait what you've you've known him okay you are young fair you're you're young but you've known this cat since you were in sixth grade. Yeah, yeah. So at some point, there's some magic arbitrary number, some age out there, right? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I guess I don't know what you're aiming for when it comes to numbers. You're not going to get to know him any better, are you? No, I don't think so.

You're not going to have any wild, like, I got to get my clubbing years out of my life, right? That doesn't sound like you. Yeah. Financial independence is a myth, right? That's not like a thing. Like he still lives with his parents though. Yeah, that's probably not going to work out, right? You probably don't want that. No. But all that to say is, here's what I want you to do.

I want you to be wholly, strongly, and firmly committed to whatever your values are. Your body is your body is your body. And your dumb friends in college don't get a vote. This guy loves you. He's known you and loved you for a long, long, long, long time, and he's all in on your values. Good for him and good for you. Don't create drama here where there's none.

And man, I would really sit down and think through what to spend the rest of your life with this guy is going to look like. I don't know what else you're looking for or what else you think is going to come up in the next one, two, three, five years that you're just going to wait for. I don't know what you're looking for. It's not like you're going to get to know him better. It's not like you're going to have to learn to trust. You've known this guy forever, right? Now, he does have to move out of his parents' house, and so he could do that sooner rather than later.

But in some situations, I tell folks, man, you should really take some time. Really take some time to get to know somebody before you marry them. Other times, man, my friend Rachel here, she got married super young. Was it hard? Of course it is. I got married relatively young, and it was super hard. And my friends who got married late, super hard. It's just going to be hard. Don't get married just so y'all can sleep together,

but also don't put it off just so you can say we put it off, just so we could say we got married when we weren't so young. At some point, that age is relatively arbitrary, especially if you both have known each other for a long, long time. I love your question. It's relatively simple for me. Your body is your body. What you choose is what you choose.

And you need to find someone who honors your values. You found that. High five. Good for you. All right, let's go to, you know what? Let's take a quick break. Let's pay some bills. We'll be right back.

The world has become more and more chaotic and uncertain and loud. And it seems that everyone has anxiety. I've been there and so have you. It's why I wrote this small, direct, and personal book called Redefining Anxiety. In this book, I discuss what anxiety is, what it's not, and how you can get back on the road of being whole and well. Listen, you are not broken, and I'm living proof that you can get your life back. I wrote this book so everyone could read it, not just science nerds like me and my friends,

and I priced it at $10 so that everyone can afford it. This little book landed on the bestseller list and is now being purchased by The Case and given away in counseling offices, universities, churches, and homes across the country. I don't care if you're a teenager or an executive or a 75-year-old grandmother, this book is for everyone. So go to johndeloney.com and get your copy of Redefining Anxiety today. Hey, what's up? We are back. Let's go to Candice in Victoria, British Columbia. What'sia what's up candace how we doing good how are you good everything going well yes everything is fantastic all right so how can i help what's up so i am 41 and i've struggled with my weight all of my life and in surgery I took the big step to have weight loss surgery and

basically I realized like it's a tool and I still need to do a lot of work it's not gonna fix everything for me yes I want to get to the root of emotional eating and so that I can have like success long term for my kids and my husband and myself. Very cool. Thank you so much for your trust and call here. So to recap, you just had weight loss surgery. How recently did you have this? In January, beginning of January.

Oh, so super recently. Yeah. Okay. So have you seen just the weight loss dive that just falls off at the very beginning? Yes, definitely. I've lost 60 pounds. 60 pounds? Congratulations.

Okay, awesome. So your call was a little bit muffled. So you're asking about, or you're understanding now, this weight's falling off yet um candace went with candace before the surgery and after surgery and you're still the same beautiful woman looking at yourself in the mirror and you're recognizing that same six-year-old girl still looking back at you and you want to know how to get to the root of this thing for the listener you're 60 pounds down this is confetti falling from the ceiling everybody's cheering yeah what are you still feeling though um i guess so what it comes down to is my parents i've watched them through my whole life struggle with weight and i um now

you know like they're in their 60s and their health is really not good. And part of what helped me have this push to do this was I want to be the grandparent that's able to do stuff with my grandkids. And I want to be active and I just want a healthy future. And so I guess just seeing their struggle and where they're at has really just made me go, okay, I need to do everything that I can do. And yeah, and I just, I guess I need to find some other sort of coping mechanism. Yeah. So what are, is there anything big that you're coping from or is this just a model you picked up for everyday life? Meaning, I would ask what your ACEs score is, what your adverse childhood experience is.

Did you have trauma as a kid? Did you have abuse as a kid? Or were y'all just a family who loved eating, and y'all were just a larger family? Good question. It's, um, I guess maybe, um, kind of both. Like, um, I, I have two siblings and they, and my sisters, both of them, neither of them struggled with weight. So, um, yeah, but it's, it comes down to like, I think it stems from when I hit elementary school age, I was bullied a lot in school. It wasn't until about high school that I actually enjoyed some of my school years. And so I think that definitely played a part.

But, yeah, like like no abuse, really. Well, hey, middle school can lodge itself in our souls, man. And it can stay there for a long time. So what did those evil middle school kids, what did they pick on you about? They picked on me about my weight. So it was something I was already sort of feeling insecure about. So like as early as I can remember, it's kind of been. And middle schoolers are ruthless.

Yeah. Yeah, for sure. And so are you able to, something has happened now that you've lost 60 pounds and you've got so much more to go. Something has emerged here that has made you go, oh, this is just a tool, not a solution. What's popped up the last few weeks? Well, like I said, I've watched my dad's health go down. No, no, not that. Not that.

What about you? You are so good at deflecting. You're really good at this. What have you experienced over the last few weeks? I think it comes down to the fact that I've kind of replaced that behavior. So I haven't been emotionally eating, but I sort of replaced the behavior with just staying busy. And I'm getting to the point where I realize

I can't just stay busy and distract myself all the time because I'm getting tired. Yeah, okay, all right. And so when you get tired and you plop down just to watch a show with your husband, is that when the old food demons come out or just the default, I don't even call them demons, just the default behaviors? Yeah, I would say, yeah. I mean, my husband's really supportive, but he often will have a snack or whatever when he watches a show. And I just kind of sit beside him and just try not to partake in that.

I'm not hungry. Hey, that is a losing. You're better. You're a better woman than me, man. I can't sit there with someone's eating a snack and just watch it happen. Right. So here's the thing in the short term what you're gonna do a couple a couple things here i want and you probably went through some sort of did you go through some sort of pre-surgery they give you stuff to read or counseling or anything like that before the surgery

um yeah you had to meet with a dietician for six months and a specialist. Did they walk you through? It's very common when somebody loses a lot of weight all at once, like on the back of a surgery like this, that there ends up being some major relational challenges. Not that they can't be overcome, but it just changes the dynamic. Did they talk to you about that? No, they did encourage me to, you know, seek counseling or speak to a psychologist, but unfortunately, like, my husband is a pastor, so we don't have, it's not something you make a lot of money at, so it wasn't something we could pay out of pocket for.

Gotcha. So here's what I want you to do. I want your husband to go to his church leadership, and I want him to ask them to pay for y'all to go to a few months of marriage counseling during this transition time. And not that there's anything wrong, but y'all are going to need to learn new tools on how to talk to each other. How to have fun together. It's just going to change the dynamic of your relationship. And as some of the walls come down, metaphorically and figuratively, some of those middle school voices are going to come back really loud. Okay?

And they will make their way out in your relationship in weird ways. It's just some of his basic, hey, I just want to sit down on the couch. He just wants to plop down on the couch and grab something to eat. He's going to need to be a part of the whole family's healing, right? And it's easy for that to turn into little seeds of resentment or frustration, like, oh, I just want to, but right, and so what you want to do is head that stuff off way upstream. And so I don't know any group of church leaders who wouldn't help out their pastor in this way, and it's the right thing for them to do they can afford it

and they need to make that available to y'all okay okay and so if if i'm him i'm having that conversation at my next elders meeting or i'm reaching out to somebody tomorrow right um and then the second thing is is i want you to maybe for the first time think of things that you love, that you absolutely love, that you love to do, that you've always wanted to try, that you want to be interested in. You're going to need to learn new things. And this is part of the frustration and part of the super excitement here. Okay. You are entering into a whole new adventure, and it's not just going to be everything the way it was, Candice minus 100 pounds.

What's your final goal? Do you have a final goal there? Yeah, I'd like to reach 160, yeah. You want that to be your final weight, or you want to have lost 160 pounds? Oh, sorry, no, to lose 100. Okay, all right, awesome. So that be your final goal you know you hear me say this on the show a lot whatever you end up doing however wonderful your

goals and adventures are always remember that wherever you end up candace goes with you and you want candace to know some new tools, have some new skills, to have some new things that she loves so that when you are down a hundred pounds, you're not just the same, those same loud voices, the same patterns, the same repetitive things that you do, the same habits in your life. You want to have a whole new set of tools to draw from, right? So after you get home, instead of sitting down watching the couch, we just go for walks because that's what we do. And we have a joke of the day. We tell our favorite thing of the day and the hardest part of the day. We go to the gym together. We're not

ever going to a stupid gym. I hate the gym, but we're going to do some exercises in our garage together. We're going to go out with the kids and kick a soccer ball until I'm so tired. I am laughing. So like whatever those things are, and they're going to be awkward and wonky at first. And then you're going to say after two months, I hate this. I don't like whatever this is. Or you're going to think I never, ever, ever dreamed I would love kicking a soccer ball with my kids, but now I love, love it. And in fact, I love picking up the soccer ball and drilling one of my kids with it. That's even funny, right? Whatever those things are, knitting, singing, songwriting, writing a book, writing a blog, whatever those things are, learning algebra for the first time. I don't care what it is, but I want you to spend some time with your husband dreaming about what life's going to look like, what life can look like.

Get real clear pictures together and then just start trying cool stuff. Just start learning new habits. If you spend your whole life trying not to do things, that's got a short-term life to it. Okay? You are changing who you were into. I'm the kind of person, not the kind of person, I'm not going to lose a hundred pounds. I'm the kind of person who plays soccer with their kids.

Right. I'm the kind of person who always has a joke ready. I'm the kind of person who will wrestle with my kids on the floor. I'm the kind of person who will pour ice down my husband's back while he's sitting on his recliner or whatever the things are. Does that make sense? Yeah, totally. I want you to order Atomic Habits by, I just lost it. Yeah, James Clear, duh. I want you to order that book, Atomic Habits by James Clear. And I want you to read that book. It is simple, clear, no pun intended. I see what I did there. And it is a remarkable book on how to learn to live with a different path in a different way. And I think you will really benefit from that book. I want to tell you, I am so excited that you've decided, you're reverse engineering a long, beautiful life, which is, I want to be 80

rolling around on the floor with my grandkids. I want to be able to sit on the floor with them and play Legos or blocks or dolls or dinosaurs or whatever kids do. By then, I don't know, you'll be in some digital universe of some sort, but I want to be able to play with my kids. I want to be able to take them to the zoo and laugh. I want to be able to fill in the blank, fill in the blank, fill in the blank. And that means I got to start changing who I am and my health and behaviors and life now. And that's going to alter my marriage. It's going to alter my kids. It's going to alter my faith life. It's going to alter everything. And so I'm going to do the things up right now. They're going to make that possible. Good for you for taking a big scary step and having a weight loss surgery.

You're down 60. You are more than halfway to your goal. But now the real work starts, which is changing Candice's picture of herself, which is changing Candice's behavior, which is changing Candice's and her husband's marriage, which is changing the household little step by little step by little step. I'm so proud of you. Check out that book.

Make sure your husband calls his leadership team, and they're going to pay for y'all to go to counseling for a few months. They've got to. They've got to. They've got to. If they don't, I've got a partnership with BetterHelp. So go to betterhelp.com slash Deloney, and they will give you some discounted relationship counseling. Give them a shout if you can't get to in-person counseling there thank you so much for the call candace we are so excited and proud of you keep us um abreast on your journey give us a shout as you make that uh journey let's take one more call let's go to bob in phoenix arizona what's up bob

how can i help man hey i really appreciate the call. Thanks for taking my call. And thanks, Kelly, for getting me on the show. I really appreciate that. I wanted to talk to you today. So me and my wife found out we were pregnant with our first child. Okay. When did you find out? November.

November, okay. Yeah. And then a couple weeks later, we found out that we were supposed to have twins. Whoa, okay. Yeah. And then a couple weeks later, we found out that we were supposed to have twins. Whoa, okay. Yeah, and which I was really excited for because that's kind of what I wanted. She has twins that run in her family. Okay. And then we found out that we lost one of the twins.

Oh, man, I'm so sorry. Yeah, so apparently it's a common thing called a vanishing twin. Um, but it sucks because we have, it's our first kid and then we found out that we're having two and now we're back to one, which, you know, the, the one is super healthy. Everything looks great, which we're super thankful about that. But it's how do we, how do we mourn the one, but still be happy about the other? And then how do we make sure it's not, you know, living in a sure it's not you know

living in a shadow yeah of this you know on this thing that i can never live up to yeah man well thank you so much for your trust on this call dude um that hurts and that's hard dude um when when's your your baby to be born July 25th or 7th I know I should know that better just pick a date it doesn't matter you're going to be wrong either way yeah you probably want to

when your kid is actually born you're going to want to hang on to that date that's just a good one to keep in mind but right now everybody's just guessing so here's the big picture is this um the grief is real and the grief hurts and you're going to get all kinds of the stupidest dumbest advice and recommendations and all these idiotic sayings that people knit into pillows they're going to be giving them to you right yeah and do the best you can this is this is not going to help a lot do the best you can to recognize that people are doing the best they can

with very limited tools and that people are often very crude and they can hurt each other with their grief, their pithy little grief statements. Right. And, um, don't hang on to any of that nonsense. Cause it's going to weigh you and your wife down. Okay. The second thing is, is fully recognize that you and your wife are going to grieve this thing very, very differently. Yeah. And that often divides couples up and it's hard to walk back once you get divided there. And so make sure you have a weekly, if not biweekly check-in time. Hey, how are we doing? How are you doing?

And give her, don't try to solve it. Don't try to give her advice. Don't try, just give space to each other for grieving this thing differently. Okay. I misjudged this horrifically when we experienced something similar. And man, I gave a lot of lectures and a lot of charts and a lot of spreadsheets and graphs, and it was wholly unhelpful. And in fact, it was not only unhelpful, I hurt my wife pretty significantly. I did not handle this well. And so, give space for each other to speak. So, I knew this call was coming, so I reached out to a friend of mine, and her job is having hard conversations with parents and little kids. And I said, hey, give me some thoughts on what are ways you've seen this play out and not be successful and

be successful. It's okay to have a two or three or four-year-old and to have an extra cupcake at the table if you want to remember and honor this lost life in that way. She told me about couples who will write letters once a month until the baby's born. After the baby's born for the first year, they'll just write a letter saying, hey, we miss you. And here's some things that have happened in your brother's life or in your sister's life. And we miss you and we can't wait to see you again. And she told me about one family that wrote letters, and they put it inside of a balloon, and they let the balloon go. And they do this on every birthday. The key here is not squashing the grief and not trying to pretend it didn't happen and also not trying to shield everybody from it, making it a

normed part of the experience. And potentially in year three, four, five, or six, or seven, or eight, or nine, whatever it looks like, that candle may becomes, or that cupcake maybe becomes a quick prayer. That cupcake may turn into a quick statement or that cupcake may be there forever, right? And it's incorporating that into the fabric and narrative of your family, not acting like it didn't exist. A lot of parents will feel like if I bring it up, it's going to make my other child, the surviving child feel less than, and it won't. It won't. If you're overwhelmed with grief at first birthday, then somebody is going to hold the kid or grandmother is going to play with your kid, and then you're going to just go take a walk around the block real quick. Or your wife's

going to step out into another room and cry her eyes out for a minute and then come back into the party. Grieving is going to look different for everybody and make space for it. And also make sure you keep showing up and keep showing up and keep showing up because there is something beautiful about having to be there. It gives you a job. It gives you something to do amidst that grief, right? Right. And then find some people in your life you can talk to about it and that aren't going

to give you stupid sayings if you're like me um i found out there was this whole secret club that i didn't know existed of dads who are grieving miscarriages and they weren't allowed to talk about it and it ended up being a weird really remarkable group um that we all were able to have conversations and talk about stuff and um then their wives and we all talked and it just became this whole group I didn't know existed. Right. People walking around with this type of pain all the time. So when I say, hey, write your, this young one a letter. Give him a name.

Write him a letter. Talk to your wife about it. How does that sound? Does that sound good? Is that something y'all can do? I that's yeah absolutely okay um when dr jennings told me about the balloon idea i really connected with that one i love the idea of my one-year-old just getting a crayon and making their chaotic serial killer scratch on a piece of paper. And then me and my wife writing a quick note just saying, hey, we miss you. And we can't wait to see you again someday.

And putting that in a balloon and letting it just go where it's going to go. And floating up in this. There's just something symbolic about that that I love. And it feels beautiful. But at the end of the day, acknowledge that grief. It's real. It is. Acknow day, acknowledge that grief. It's real. It is. Acknowledge each other's grief,

and then you're going to love this baby. The thing you're going to have to worry about is hugging this baby too much, and that's not even a thing you can do, right? Yeah. It will not be weird if when this baby's born, it's the greatest, most extraordinary day, and you're kind of heartbroken at the same time. That's okay. It's okay if you cry so hard, you're

worried you're going to drop this new kid. That's okay too. And it's okay if you are so excited and you're holding this baby and your wife's crying. All of that is okay. There's not a right way to do this. There's a couple of that is okay. There's not a right way to do this. There's a couple of wrong ways, but there's not a right way. Does that sound good? Yeah. Yeah, that don't make sense. Hey, listen, Bob, it doesn't make any sense.

Not even a little bit. It's a mess, right? It's the worst. It's the worst. It's the worst. Yeah. So it's the worst yeah so why don't y'all do that together tonight um this is going to be awkward and super intimate and i'm i am playing with fire here because you have an eight month pregnant wife right or seven months pregnant yeah i want y'all to each write this um write this baby a letter i want you to read it to each other and that's going to give you each a key insight into each other's grief right how each of you

are handling this situation or feeling this handling is a bad way to say that how y'all are feeling about this situation um read it to each other and there'll probably be tears there will be hugs there will be hard conversations there'll probably be tears. There will be hugs. There will be hard conversations. There'll just be silence. All that is good. And all that's right. And when this baby's born healthy and hollering and yelling and your whole life gets turned upside down, I want you to give me a call back and let me know how everybody's doing. And we will walk alongside you during this process.

And I'm thrilled for you. And thank you so, so much for your call. Comparing grief is a fool's errand. Feel what you're going to feel. And this is y'all's new adventure, man. And this baby's lucky, lucky, lucky to have you as her dad, Bob. All right, as we wrap up today's show, man, we're going back to the queen. 2008.

Man. Listen, single ladies you gotta put a ring on it so saith queen Beyonce James and Kelly are both dancing right now Zach

both thumbs are up all the single ladies now put your hands up up in the club we just broke up I'm doing my own little thing and decided to dip and now you want to trip because another brother noticed me I'm up on him he up on me don't pay him any attention

just cried my tears for three good years you can't be mad at me because if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it. Don't be mad once you see that he won it. If you liked it, you should have put a ring on it. I got gloss on my lips. A man on my hips got me tighter in my D-Ron jeans. I don't even know what those are. I wear Levi's. Acting up, drinking my cup. I can care less what you think. If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it. So saith the Queen. This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.