The Dr. John Delony Show - She Cheated 6 Months Into Marriage

Episode Date: January 26, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: - A man unsure of how to move forward after learning his wife was unfaithful - A woman sick of her mom favoring her sister - A mom wondering how to get her teenage son to open up about his struggles Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp Hallow Organifi Eight Sleep Apollo Neuro Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Building a Non-Anxious Life Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. For as long as I can remember, I have truly felt that my mom loved my sister more than me. And it hurts very badly. Whenever I bring things up like this, she tells me that I'm crazy. And she tells me that I need to see a therapist because I'm jealous of my sister. And I can promise you, Dr. John, I'm not jealous of my sister. But I am jealous of my mom and how she doesn't, how special and beautiful I am. Hey, what's up?

This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. We're so glad that you're with us. Talking about your marriage, your mental health, your emotional health, your relationship, kids, whatever you got going on in your life. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. And listen, it makes such a huge difference. And it embarrasses me how big of a difference this makes. If for you just to run over to YouTube and hit the subscribe button, it changes everything about the algorithm, changes everything about putting this show into other people's lives

whether they even asked for it or not and it begins to give them help they didn't even know they were looking for so if you will like or subscribe or do all that stuff it makes such a huge difference for the show but more importantly for your neighbors people that you're not going to talk to so if you want to be

on this show like you said give us a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK. All right, let's go out to Iowa city, Iowa and talk to Riley. What up Riley? Hi, how are you doing today? I'm all right, man. How are you? Um, I'm, I'm doing better than before, but, but what's up what's up so me and uh me and my wife um we haven't been really been doing too good these last few weeks haven't been my best um just found out um recently a couple weeks ago she cheated on me. And I don't know. My head's everywhere still, and I just don't know what to do.

I first was thinking about rushing into a divorce, but once I started getting out of my emotions, I started thinking of maybe possibly trying to work it out. I, I just don't know. Cause it's also hard cause we also have a one year old and yeah. How long you been married, man? Uh, sadly we've only been married for about six months. Um, but we were together for about four years.

So you, okay. So you've been together for four years and she cheated on you while y'all were dating? Uh, no. Uh, she cheated on me when we were married. So you've only been married for six months? Mm-hmm. So this is very recent. Yes.

And you have a one-year-old? Yes, you have a one-year-old yes we have a one-year-old okay so somewhere between the baby being born and and then y'all getting married um she was with somebody else um that's the thing i don't know if they were really like, it was like a long-term thing or if it was just like a, she told me it was just like a one-time thing. Um, so. But you don't believe that. I don't know what to believe. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah.

I hate this for you to believe. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. I hate this for you, man. Yeah. And it sucks because I'm only 22 and I, I understand that some parts, um, you know, I wasn't giving her, you know, more love and affection that she wanted. It is, I don't know. I'm just, I got a lot on my mind, a lot on my plate. So you're 22. You've been with the same woman for four years.

You've been married for six months. You have a one-year-old baby. And during a recent discussion, your wife told you that, hey, within the last six months, within our time of being married, I had a one-night stand with somebody. And somebody that's not you. And you're 22. You got a lot going on in your mind.

And you don't really know which way to turn. Yeah. Yeah, basically. Because I've just been really set on wanting us to get us financially stable and living the life that a lot of people could dream of. What are you doing for work? Right now, just to bring money on the table and provide. I just do security.

I make okay money there. I am thinking about getting a new job though, or maybe getting a second job to bring more money in. But what's your wife? She works in assistant care living. Okay. Do y'all have childcare for your baby? Yeah. Okay. Um, I think you need to work three jobs, dude. Do you all have childcare for your baby? Yeah. Okay. I think you need to work three jobs, dude. And your wife probably needs to work one, maybe two. Maybe if she needs to be home with baby as soon as she can, I get that.

And this is separate than the conversation here. I'm going to circle around and answer your original question here. But you sound like a 22-year-old guy who the whole world just showed up in your house and when i say the whole world i mean reality and most 22 year olds especially in the u.s live in this fantasy world it's not real right like i want to follow my passions and i want to have a unicorn and a pony and i don't want any bills and i want to live in downtown manhattan in a 4 000 square like they just don't want any bills and I want to live in downtown Manhattan in a 4,000 square like they just don't live in reality and your reality just hits you in the mouth you have a baby you have a wife yeah you're dealing with infidelity you don't have any money

I'm assuming you don't have a degree or a career trajectory um no I don't have no degree or anything I the main thing I just want to be is an author okay that's not for today yeah I have been a best selling author two times over three times over number one twice and it didn't happen until I was in my

forties and I've been writing my whole life okay yeah so I want you to write every single day of your life, but you do that after the baby's in bed and after your wife's asleep. Yeah. Right now we're working two and three jobs because you've got to get out of survival mode

because right now your head is so clouded. You don't even know up from down, left to right. And that makes the, when your body's in fight or flight when you're just trying to survive you don't make good rational thinking rational um um you don't do things rationally because your brain doesn't want you thinking rationally it wants you to not die i want you to survive okay and so the way we're going to get out of this is by slowly getting your feet into concrete standing on some kind of firm foundation here. One of those steps is going to be financial, okay?

The other thing is going to be you standing up, feeling a little bit more like a dad, like a husband, right? And you don't feel like that right now. You still feel like a little boy, fair? Yeah. Yeah, you feel like a little boy. You're not, you're 22 years old. You can vote. I don't know if the options are great, but you can vote, right? And you're going

to be able to, you have a kid, you have a wife, you got stuff to do, right? So we're going to get a couple of jobs and we're going to do that today. There's too much work out there right now. Okay. That's number one. Number two, do you have a man in your life that you can sit down and talk to? Yeah. Who? My father. Is that a good person to talk to? Oh, he's a great person to talk to.

Does he tell you the truth? Does he tell you what you want to hear? Or does he try to make himself feel better at your expense? Nope. He's full on blunt. Okay. So what did he say when you told him that you found out your wife cheated on you? Uh, he said that I should give it just a

couple of weeks. Let my head clear. Well, that's a good man then. Good for him. Cause you you've, you're like most of us, you have had this story in your head. Like if anybody ever cheats on me, bro, I'm out of here. Right. You've said that to yourself over and over right yeah and then the idea of seeing your daughter two days a week maybe about ripped your guts out doesn't it uh yeah it definitely yeah and the thought of just throwing away four years of being in relationship with somebody is pretty brutal too right you love this woman oh yeah no i i love her okay here's the thing that i don't know if y'all have done yet okay and i'm gonna hook you up with a couple of things to to help you along the way um

y'all if you choose to stay together you're gonna have to rebuild your marriage from the floor up and i don't think that's a bad option for you anyway, because I don't know that y'all were very intentional about how all this happened. She get pregnant. And then you were like, Oh, it's been four years.

And you're like, well, let's just get married. And that's how that went. Um, no, I, it,

I just, uh, it is one of the things where like, we were starting to get our lives together and stuff and help each other's passions and everything. I just felt like she was a one, I guess. But she was carrying your baby before you even proposed, right? No, I proposed to her before she was pregnant. Okay.

All right. Let me tell you something about following your passion. You become really passionate about what you're good at. And you become really good at what you practice all the time in the dark when nobody's watching. And for most of us, we either have some insane internal drive that's just crazy, or we have a coach or a deadline that is forcing that upon us. Okay? Yeah. okay yeah right now you like the idea

of becoming of being paid to be a writer oh yeah yeah no it's been my dream since and my passion since I was in second grade alright I'm going to give you a stark other side of it.

Having a book deadline due, I turned in a chapter from my last book on Christmas Eve. I wrote on Christmas Day. I had a standoff with my wife in the garage where she was sobbing. And I was in service to a book deadline. So there's a life to being an author on the other side, and there's the book tour,

and then there's the managing social media. So there's a whole other side of this thing that is hard to get passionate about until you have been grinding it for years. Okay? I tell you all that to tell you this. You guys deciding, like, we're going to support each other's passions,

that's not a good way to approach a marriage. A good way to approach a marriage is I love you. What do you need from me today to be well and whole? Here's what I need. And then, but I've got to get my passion time in and get my fortnight time in or whatever. That's not for today.

Right. You need me to do X, Y, and Z. I'm in. I'm in. And in this world that's not for today right you need me to do x y and z i'm in i'm in and in this world that i've like in the book writing world in the show making world entertainment world it's it's those who with this relentless almost lunatic drive that are up at before the world is up or is is still awake late late late at night Because they can't see a world where they're not they can't breathe unless they write they can't breathe unless they create something They can't breathe. I remember a season when I couldn't get out of my head

If I didn't understand how a psychological theory worked So I'd stay up all night just trying to figure it out figure it out figure it out All my friends said you're crazy. My family said I was crazy. It just became a thing I couldn't turn off. But you're not there yet. Here's what I'm telling you, all that stuff. You and your wife are going to have to decide to build something completely new. In October, if you're still together,

I'm going to give you and her a pass to the Money in Marriage event that me and Rachel Cruz put on here in Nashville. Tickets aren't even for sale yet. It's almost half sold out for people who went through it last year and immediately bought.

I'm going to offer you two tickets. That's if y'all are still together in October. That's number one. Number two, I'm going to give you both of my books. Own Your Past, Change Your Future is about, okay, the world just hit me. Now what? Yeah, that would be great okay and building a non-anxious life the most the most recent book is a model it's a path for you and your wife to build a sustainable life okay right now you have a baby

you have a marriage that is hanging on by a piece of dental floss. It's not the time to follow your passion. It's time to get some economic security. You and her go see a marriage counselor, ASAP. We can't afford that. I'm telling you right now, you got to have that. Right. We are planning on seeing a marriage counselor this week. Lots and lots and lots and lots of people plan on seeing counselors and they never go.

Yeah. Okay. If she doesn't show up or doesn't want to go, that's what you need to know. She's not invested. If you don't show up, that's what she needs to know, that you're not invested. Okay. Now, 30 seconds. Here's what preparing for divorce looks like.

Get to see your kid much less. You're going to have to get a second place to live. Or she's going to have to get a second place to live. Or she's going to have to get a second place to live. You're going to have to navigate child support, separate holidays, dating again, explaining to your friends and family, and figuring out with the kid. You see what I'm saying?

None of this is easy. Yeah, no, it definitely does not sound, nor look easy. I witnessed my dad go through the divorce process. But also staying with somebody who cheated on you is not easy either. Yeah. So you're going to have to choose your heart.

There is no easy path forward. They're both very difficult. Right. Okay. I don't want you to think one is easier than the other is what I'm trying to say. They're both going to be hard. Yeah. If you still love this woman and you think you can make it work and she's willing to rebuild everything with you that's going to be showing you her phone

or not having phones turning them off not going out and meeting other people for lunch and dinner and things like that they're going to put her in positions where she can make a stupid decision on one night that you are going to plug back in and ask her every day, how can I love you today?

What do you need? What do you need? What do you need? And you show up. Right. If y'all want to rebuild something, that you get some economic security, so y'all are not just scraping by every second of the day.

Now y'all can build something that can last. And continue to sit down with your old man he's a trustworthy guy sounds like continue to say hey i'm not doing okay today or dad what's your wisdom on this i love that his first impulse was i want you to take a breath because son i've been down this road and it was hell and it caused a lot of problems for me and my family. Shake a breath. It's a wise, wise man there. Make sure to call Riley. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks.

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when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Los Angeles and talk to Jackie. What's up, Jackie?

Hello. What up? How we doing? Hi, Dr. John. My husband and I are huge fans, so thanks so much for having me on. Thank you so much. I'm a huge fan of you, Jackie. Appreciate you.

Awesome. We listen to all of your shows, and you've genuinely become like a friend to us. But we just got to say we were slightly disappointed when we found out you were an Astros fan. Yuck. Is that just simply because the Dodgers lose all the time? Is that why? Because the Astros cheat all the time. Oh, okay, cool.

There's that. There's that. Well, hey, since y'all have just gone and purchased everybody for a billion, bajillion dollars, then I hope you feel good about yourself. You know what it's going to be like? I heard a comedian say this once. Rooting for the Dodgers moving forward is going to be like going to Vegas and cheering for the house. Like, hey, go Vegas.

Way to go, Dodgers. Hope you're happy with yourself. You're still going to lose the Astros. All right, so what's up? Go Strohs. Well, so my question today is about my mama. Okay. I'm going to take a hard left turn here.

Yep. So for as long as I can remember, I have truly felt that my mom loved my sister more than me. And I feel so silly calling about this as almost a 30-year-old woman, but it hurts very badly. It's like a big cut in my heart that I feel just doesn't heal because I won't let it in so many ways. But some of her actions that have showed this to me include like her saying like, wow, like your sister has such a calling on her life. She's so special. She's always been so special. And she said this like, like right when we're both in the same room or she'll be like, Oh my gosh, like my daughter is just so beautiful. Isn't she Jackie? And I'm like, Hey, I'm gorgeous and beautiful too. Um, but it's like little things like this too, where

like anytime my sister and I get in a little fight, like it's like a silly little fight or a big fight, you know, like sisters do we're four four years apart and we're the best of friends. So, hey, we fight. But she always immediately takes her side, her side, no questions asked, no questions asked. It doesn't matter if she came to my house and, you know, she doesn't do this, by the way, but just hypothetically, if she came over my house and she just like completely shattered everything I own, she would somehow find a way to take her side. Anytime she makes weird comments like that, I'll give you a quick example on like, she made a little comment the other day on how like my sister's physically stronger than I am. And I'm like, hello, I birthed two children. And she's like, yeah, no,

she's physically stronger than you are. And I know that sounds so silly, like something a 15 year old would get upset at, but whenever I get upset at these things, it's not only that I get upset, I turn into this little 12-year-old girl, and I feel like a 10-year-old again. I just feel like a little child again, and I just feel so unloved, I guess. I don't know. Well, my question for you is, I know that you may never change oh by the way i may add that whenever i bring things things up like this she tells me that i'm crazy and she tells me that i need to see a therapist because i'm jealous of my sister and i can promise you dr john i'm not jealous of my sister but i am jealous of my mom and how she doesn't how special and beautiful i am and she doesn't respect my boundaries but she respects my my sister's. How do you know that?

Well, let me ask you this. How do you know that she doesn't tell your sister how amazing you are, that she's already given her grandkids or that, that you're so amazing? How do you know that she's not propping your sister up in front of you because she sees her sister as so inferior to the woman you've become? Hmm. up in front of you because she sees her sister as so inferior to the woman you've become? Can you ask that in a different way again so I can understand that?

Yeah. So often there's a great saying by Dr. Brown, Brene Brown, who says, what we go looking for in the world, we are sure to find. And so there could be, there could be some objective reality here. Okay. Like my brother is a kinder man than me. He just is. He is disposition.

He's so kind. And if my mom was to say say your brother's kinder than you that's a that's an objective fact he really is yeah yeah yeah and so if your mom is saying she's stronger than you in front of both of you that could be true that could be true or like uh any number of things she makes more money than you she's more successful than you yeah i mean if you look at our tax returns she makes more money like that could all be true yeah but what i want to just put in the in the universe as a potential is is it possible that when your mom and your sister are alone, your mom is asking her, why don't you have grandkids yet?

Your sister has given me two wonderful, beautiful grandkids. What about you? Your sister's already been married and already has this and this. What about you? See what I'm saying? Yeah, totally. Absolutely. Does that happen or no chance?

No. Okay. There's no way. Yeah. I was was just trying but maybe not no in some ways and i totally get what you're saying i was actually gonna add this on my notes i'm like dude i am i'm like totally okay with my sister being more beautiful she is she like physically you know that is a truth that is the truth in the world and i'm the big sister i you know i i'm the type of person i'm like my sister i when i say she's my best friend, I'm like, girl, I want you to do better than me

in every area of my life. I truly mean that. It's more of like... What do you get from this? What do you mean? You hang on to something. This relationship with your mom where she belittles you,

treats you like you're still an elementary school kid that lives in her home, that pits you versus your best friend slash sister slash confidant, you get something from this interaction. Otherwise, you'd bail. What is it? You know what? Because you wouldn't put up with a boyfriend that treats you like this. No, I would not. And my husband tells me that all the time. Yeah. So what are you getting from this? You know what? I do enjoy our relationship for the most part, but she just crosses my boundaries so much. She just, I feel like she has no respect for me. She clearly, let me clear. She has none. None. Okay. She doesn't. And when you bring it up, she says, you're crazy.

Yeah. And she says, you're the problem. You go fix it. Yeah. What. She doesn't. And when you bring it up, she says you're crazy. Yeah. And she says, you're the problem. You go fix it. Yeah. What are you getting from this? Nothing. Just pain in my heart. That's probably not true. Yeah.

Well, no, I mean, I love her. I enjoy, I think she's one of the most wonderful people I've ever met. And to give you, I know this is no excuse for you I listen to your show But her ACEs score is an 8 And the only reason it's not a 10 Is because she was an orphan And she didn't have parents to be divorced

Or be abusive She's gone through so much That doesn't give her a pass On how she treats you It just doesn't And it's not your job to make sure she's okay for the rest of her life as her doormat. Yeah. It's not.

And that's how you feel. Always, as a big older child, just like a doormat. I've always just felt like a doormat. Like she just, she'll come into my home and just immediately criticize. I don't know why I did not plan on crying on the show. It was hard. It's hard. It's hard.

It's okay. It's okay. So let me ask you, what are you getting from this? I'll tell you what you're getting. You're getting a fantasy that one day you're going to do the right thing and finally fix this. And that day's never going to come. And you hang on and you to come and you hang on

and you hang on and you hang on. There's not going to be an amount of money that you make. There's not going to be a car that you drive up in that your mom finally goes, my God, I'm so proud of you, Jackie.

It's not going to come, is it? Nope. That's why you keep showing up. You keep showing up. Maybe this version is going to come, is it? Nope. That's why you keep showing up. You keep showing up. Maybe this version is going to be okay. Maybe the next version is going to be okay. Maybe the next version of you is going to be okay. And meanwhile, you have this husband at home

that loves you so much, right? So much. He's like, honestly, awesome. Just the best. Yes. And he's like, man, why do you keep going back to this woman? He always tells me that. He's like, what are you doing?

Yeah. Listen, you're trying to close a loop and you're not broken. Every child on planet Earth does it. Everyone does it. Because we all ask that question, why not me? Mom, why don't you love me? And your mom tells you, well, you're not pretty enough. You're not make this much. You don't have purpose. You don't have this, your house. My God, what are you doing with your house? In your car? That's what you

drive. And you think it's about that checklist that somehow you can solve that checklist. And you've probably, you've been around long enough, half of your life now from 12 to 30, let's say, more than half your life. Every time you click something off that checklist, like two more boxes end up at the bottom of the list. It just keeps growing. You could never finish it.

Because it's not about you. It's about your mom. And my guess is she sees herself in you. And when she sees herself in you, she sees that girl that grew up in absolute hell. And her way of trying to make that cycle stop was to control every second of your life. And then beautiful fairy god sister comes along and screws it up for everybody right

yeah so here's my big question are you ever going to sit down across the table from your mom and say mom if you do x and y and z again then what you're asking me is to not come around your home anymore. Are you ever going to do that? And that's not a, it's not a setup question. That's not a, it's not like a dare. I'm just asking, is that, is that day ever going to come? You know, I've done, I've had these conversations before and it's like, um, it worked. It was like a certain situation with the grandkids and I straight up told her, hey, if you do this again, and my husband had to step in and he's like, hey, if you do this again,

you can't, if you talk to my wife this way, you cannot come into my home. And because it had to do with the grandkids, she was like, oh, immediately. I mean, she didn't cross the boundary for years. And so it seems like it's time for that talk again. But it's like, she almost stopped honoring those boundaries but she started um doing it in a more subtle way now so it's a little bit harder for me to call out but i am to answer your question i am willing to do that talk but i just hate having those i hate confrontation man i just oh yeah dude yeah no no kids like oh i can't wait for this one that's the worst here's why I ask you this.

If you have that and every five years you have to sit down and have a refresher or every five years your daughters are going to get a little bit older and a little bit older and so things are going to shift and change a little bit, okay. If that's the price to pay for your kids having a good grandmother, and my guess is she's probably a good grandmother too, which makes this whole thing annoying, right? She's like the best dad ever in the world. She's the worst.

That's the worst. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So let me be real honest. And you know this. At some point, this turns on one of your daughters.

Yeah. One of your daughters becomes the favorite and one of them doesn't. Yeah. And we're not going to let this happen again. Yeah. You've already lived this. Yeah. Okay. It's going to show up happen again. Yeah. You've already lived this. Yeah.

Okay. It's going to show up in Christmas presents for one over the other. It's going to show up in dresses. It's going to show up in comments. It's going to show up in all sorts of things, right? Yeah. Okay. Here's the other side of it.

You can spend a season exhaling, clenching your fist real tight and then relaxing it and saying to yourself, she doesn't get a vote. She didn't get a vote. And that sounds so trite at first, but if that becomes something you practice over time, I'm able to be in the presence of people who have so many opinions about me

and I honestly don't care. I don't care. I'm able to be in the presence of people who have so many opinions about me. And I honestly don't care. I don't care. But it took me a decade to get there. I had to practice. Yeah. I had to practice. And occasionally somebody says something, man, I don't sleep for days.

I don't. But it's a practice. Because all the other good that comes with them being in the room is worth whatever stupid things you're going to say about me or my boss or my friends or my whatever. I don't care. But it took years of me saying, you don't get a vote. Yeah. You don't get a vote. Or when she says your sister is so beautiful, you grab your sister by the face and say, I know, I'm so lucky to be her big sister. Yeah. I'm going to go right with it. I do do that.

It's like it roasts. I'm like, hey, I do, and I agree, but then after I'm like, hey, I'm hearing this every single day, or like every other day. I'm like, it starts to hurt my feelings very badly. So what we're not going to do is we're not going to let mom hurt her feelings anymore. She doesn't have that right anymore. She's lost. She's cashed out that right.

Your husband, he still has permission to hurt your feelings. Okay. He's your ride or die. Yeah. Um, you probably have one or two best friends, your sister, maybe that's a small crew. I think in my little box, I've got about six. Six dudes and one woman who I've given permission. You can call and cut me to the core. Other than that, man, you can frustrate me. You can let me

have a bad day. You can push me into a bad day. You can, whatever, hurt me financially. But I'm not going to give you access to hurt my feelings. You don't get that. You don't get that. So let me hear you. Let me say this, Jackie, you're not crazy. I think you need to, I tell everybody to do this. I feel like, but I think it's really instructive here. I would love for you to write a letter to 12 year old Jackie.

When the whole world figured out that your younger sister was beautiful and your mom was trying to process having two daughters after growing up in a lifetime of hell. Write a letter to 12-year-old Jackie and just say, hey, you're a good kid and you didn't deserve any of this stuff. Write a letter to 22-year-old Jackie

who met this knuckleheaded husband of yours who fell in love. Mom didn't approve. Mom kept talking about how great sister was. Let her know that she's loved. And then write a letter to 30-year-old Jackie, the woman you're about to become. And by the way,

if you want to be a gangster, read it to your husband out loud. Let him know how important his love is to you also. But you have to make peace with 12-year-old Jackie and 21-year-old Jackie and 18-year-old Jackie and 30-year-old Jackie. And stop outsourcing that peace to mom because you're not going to get it from her. That call will never come. And that doesn't mean there's not peace. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future.

I think it'd be a good book for you to work through. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes, and if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season.

And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can

learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost.

Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Salisa in Austin, Texas. What's up, Salisa? Hello, how are you?

Partying. What are you up to? Trying to deal with the teen years. Good luck with that. Need all the help I can get. Good luck. I was about to call you and ask you. Yeah, day by day, trying to figure this out.

Hoping I value your advice a lot. And so I'm hoping you can give me some helpful tips here. It's something we've kind of been dealing with for a few years now. So basically my question in a nutshell, and I can dive in, but my question is, how do my husband and I help to encourage and support our 16-year-old son while he's struggling kind of on a day-to-day basis with a few different dynamics? I'll dive into a few of those. He's recently kind of lost his best friend and group of friends. He's struggling a lot to be at school and be in that environment. He really doesn't have much of a

relationship with his biological father. And so that's been coming up a lot lately in the last, probably two years. And then my husband and I now, his stepfather, we're trying to kind of create a space where he can process all of these things that are kind of going on in his life while kind of teaching him to have some type of purpose and not go down these negative, um, paths while he's processing and dealing with all of this. So that's a lot to unpack. Um, but curious on any advice there on, on all of this. Yeah. I got a lot of thoughts here. I mean, this is, I have a 14-year-old, and I have, I mean, this has been my career working with these folks. And so why did he lose his best friend and his gang? What happened? Basically, there was some drama that happened last year in school where somebody created a rumor about my son and

his girlfriend. And it really stirred up a lot of drama with his friend group. And they kind of all didn't want to have anything to do with it. So they took off and really haven't come back around. And his best friend ended up kind of choosing that side instead of him. Okay. So it's been tricky and I think really hurtful for him. And there was, um, I find 14, 15, 16,

17, 18 year olds pounce on rumors and pounce on, um, like big, like big, like William Wallace statements. Yes. But when those things are found to be untrue, they circle back real fast.

So is there any truth at all to this? No, no, there was no truth. And I think it was created probably in jealousy. But nobody's really come back around. And I think my son has really kind of just internalized and not really decided to put himself out there again. Um, you know, whether it's making new friends or talking to other people or reaching back out, I think he really is just, I think he's hurting about it, but he's not really willing to do much about it at this point.

And I think we've kind of pushed him to think about, hey, are there other, you know, kids clubs or groups or church groups or things that you could maybe be a part of where you have the opportunity to meet other people. And this is kind of where I think my husband and I struggle is what we think is maybe the helpful solution. He's just not ready for yet. And so there's been really no action on his part. I got one more question for you. Tell me about this.

You're helping him find his purpose and process this. What does that look like? Yeah. So I think kind of how we've been approaching that is one, we have started him in counseling and he's been on and off with that for a little bit. And we just recently, my husband and myself and our son have been going together to kind of work through some of this. And then the other piece of the processing piece, I think is just having really like open communication with him and feeling like, hey, if there's anything you want to talk about, or if there's books you want to read, or any way we can help you dive into the emotions you're having, we're here.

But that's kind of where my question comes in is, I don't want to feel like we're here but that's kind of where my question comes in is i don't want to feel like we're over pushing and to the point where he kind of uh pulls more away and so you know maybe we're just totally missing some areas that we could really help him and that's where we're at i appreciate your care there and i here's what I want you to know without a doubt. You are following the playbook perfectly. And I think if we were to look

at 18 to 24-year-olds, 18 to 25-year-olds, we have to be honest that the playbook doesn't work. Because here's what you've done. You have a son who went through something. I'm going to be honest with you. I've worked with young people my whole life,

with teenagers and college students, high school kids and college students. It's very rare that someone creates a myth with no truth to it, and every friend burns them to the ground. Sure. That's very hard. So I don't know if there's an unwillingness. I don't

want to see it or no mom. I promise. I promise. And he's just our precious little baby boy. Or if this is one of those rare moments that somebody just flat made something up about him and his girlfriend and he lost everything. That's very rare. Okay. Um, and that's just me. That's just my experience there, but it could have happened that way. Here we are. What a 16 year old is incapable of doing, contrary to what the playbook would tell us, is sitting down by themselves and wading through their thoughts and feelings and emotions and rationally landing on a series of steps to take next. They can't do that. They're 16. What a 16-year-old has to do is has to be pushed into, they have to do things. Yes, counseling can be important for you and your husband and him to learn how to talk. But here's where we get in this weird reciprocal cycle. It's going to into a spiral really it actually already is but it goes into a spiral real fast

Here's what it is He pulls away a little bit and feels a little bit syrupy. I don't want to i'm not ready yet And what do you and your husband do you all put something else on the table? Well, we'll go to counseling. We'll do this thing. We'll help you if you want to do this I'm going to pull away a little bit more. And then we're going to do. And so what he's getting all, what he's getting every little step of the way is exactly what his body is craving, which is an adult to tell him, I love you and I see you. Yeah.

And his dad cut a hole in his heart by being gone. Right? Yeah. Yes. So what he does, I'll just walk through a couple of things he desperately, desperately needs. Number one, he needs you. Daily touch.

You're my son. I'm going to hold your face every single day. Oh, come on, mom. Come on. I'm going to hold your face every single day. I'm going to look you in the eyes and tell you I'm so glad that God picked me to be your mom. The second thing is, is once a week,

I want y'all to have some sort of, I'm going to call it a date, but you know what I mean? Like you take him to breakfast, you do dinner with just you two. Yeah. Because there's that very strange thing that if he feels himself gravitating towards his stepfather,

who sounds like he's a great guy, a good man. Yeah. Okay. There's that disloyalty to his bio dad, right? That's exactly what he said several times that he has always felt like he can't even call him dad because that's the connection he has really the only connection he has with his actual dad that's right that's right and that's it's a it's a but often we try to solve that by forcing new dad into that picture, you can reinforce it from the inside out with you. Okay. You can strengthen that relationship. Okay. Yeah. Now, the second thing he's going to need

is he has to have a strong male role model. If not one, multiple, probably multiple. Most of the time, kids in this situation, some can make the leap to stepdad. They can. Some can't. And that's where coaches, jujitsu coaches, guitar teachers, somebody who he actively is involved with on a regular basis. And so in my house,

I'll just tell you what I do in my house. My kids have two options. They can do one art and they have to do one art and they have to do one movement That's just a thing and the art can be an instrument the art can be Um, which both my kids have chosen and then as my kids one of my kids got older, uh chose theater But they have to do something expressive where they have to learn how to create and they have to learn how to create with a team. And there's a lot of stuff about neural connectivity and all that kind of stuff that is like playing an instrument. All that's important.

And yeah, they have to do something with their body. Does your son play sports? Has any involvement, anything movement wise? Yeah, he plays soccer at his high school. And so he's pretty involved with that and pretty active.

And he's got no friends on the soccer team? No, and that's kind of the, you know, I'll ask him like, what about this kid? And what about that? And I see you kind of hanging out with them around soccer. Why don't you ask them to go do something? Or, you know, our son's driving now. So that opens up a little bit more freedom. And he's just like, eh, like I asked him, and they just tell me they're busy and kind of blow me off.

I think he just feels like, how much do I keep pushing if they don't want to come with me? Yeah, I just don't believe him. I don't not believe him as though he's lying, but I don't believe him in like the... Something doesn't ring true there. Something's not ringing true. Sure, they may say, no, I'm busy. Cool. Well, what are you gonna do next time?

And here's how I would handle that if I'm you. Here's how I would handle it in my house. My son runs cross country. Hey, here's the deal, son. I'm inviting the cross country team over for dinner I'm doing that You can pick three or four people to come over or i'm inviting the whole team you get to pick Now my son would be like invite everybody that that's just kind of how he rolls my daughter would be a little bit different

but I think we both we you and I both know the importance of relationships for teenagers, period. And so I'm not just going to outsource that to my 16-year-old and say, well, you got to go make some friends. You got to make some friends. No, I'm a parent. I'm going to get involved. And it's not an overly dramatic like I'm over. No, I'm going to start having people over to my house.

I'm just going to because there has to be something. There's something in the water here that's just not ringing true with me. But he's got to have movement related things and he's got to have a relationship with that coach. And if it's not coming through soccer, then maybe he's got to do something else. And the final thing would be this.

And let me say this, I think you're right about group activities. I think you're right about Getting involved with church groups and things like that I think all that stuff is good All that stuff is good. Give him a chance to be successful with other friends The final thing is this I do think your stepfather plays a role And if it's a matter of saying dad or calling him steve or dan or whatever, that's not a battle That's not a hill. I would die on at this point

What we're looking for is Um, we want a picture of what that looks like Of what a male relationship with your 16 year old son looks like And so that might mean that your husband begins to take him out to breakfast And it starts on breakfast with one is I know you feel like you're betraying your dad. And so I'm not trying to get in the middle of that. That's your dad. And that's for y'all two to work out together.

But we live in the same house together. So we're going to be friends. And I'm going to get involved that way. And there's going to be a constant, here's the key, a never ending show up. I'm going to show up. I'm going to show up.

I'm going to show up. And he's going to show up. Your husband's going to show up. He's going to show up. And your son is going to do what he can over time to push him away. And it's not going to work because I love you, kid. And what your son is going to learn in real time, oh, this is what being a man actually looks like. Because my dad abandoned me. And until he can metabolize that, it's going to be a tough road to hoe for him. But your husband's going to show him. This is what men do. They keep showing up for their sons. They keep showing up. They keep showing up. They treat their mom like this. They pay their bills like this. They do a budget like this. And so maybe it's just life lessons.

Hey, I'm going to teach you how budgets work. I'm going to teach you how a household runs. I'm going to teach you how to fix a car I'm gonna teach you some things but we gotta have those relationships and it might be hey I'm gonna start taking jujitsu after soccer season's over I want you to take it with me we're gonna do it together and you can call me Steve call me Steve all the way through if you're never comfortable

call me dad that's fine I'm not gonna force that and I think it's good for him to keep seeing a counselor about his dad because his dad left him and it's going to leave a a Dad-sized hole in that heart for a long long time But what we're looking for now that he's 16. We're looking for him when he's 22 24 And he's able to feel inside his nervous system, but also look back in memory and say

Oh, no. No, I got a picture of a man who kept showing up. It was my stepdad. I got a picture of a mom who never, ever let me pass. She grabbed my face every single day and said, I love you. My parents made me have friends. It was so awkward and so weird and they made me. I'm so glad they did. Right now we have a lot of talking and a lot of how do you feel and a lot of processing.

Let's begin to move towards action. The processing is still important. Having that conversation is still good. I recommend putting a spiral notebook on his bed and you and him can go back and forth or the three of you can go back and forth and writing things down. That tends to be a little bit more of an honest way to communicate with a teenager sometimes because everything sucks or it's the worst or I'm fine. Sometimes writing it down is very helpful. Letting them see that you're grateful for them. Letting them see that it was a really hard day together. I love you and I'm confident tomorrow's gonna be a better day. Letting them see that and read it and then have to write back to you. Today was fine.

It was okay. I really wish that fill in the blank, whatever that is. But that may be a good way to y'all communicate together and continue to process this stuff together. But let's move towards action. Let's move towards movement. Let's move towards action. Let's move towards relationship. Not just thinking about it and feeling about it.

I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. I want you to check that book out as a family, and maybe that'll give you all a roadmap towards kind of what I'm talking about here. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you. So you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we're back.

And everyone's favorite episode, whatever, segment, is that what we call it? It's not episode, segment. Segment, I think is good. Am I the problem? All right. Or is it me? This is from Tim in Goshen, or Goshen,

I'm not real sure, Kentucky. Hooked on phonics. Okay, how do you pronounce it? I don't know, world geography, Magellan over there. I don't know, I'm not real sure, Kentucky. Hooked on fun. Okay, how do you pronounce it? I don't know, World Geography, Magellan over there. I don't know, I just made that up. Goshen. Okay, anyway. All right, am I the problem?

I'm 16 years old, and at my work, my boss was disrespectful to a customer over a minor issue. They had an argument about my manager's attitude and dismissiveness. Later, my boss vented to me about the argument, complaining that the customer, as always, let's see, he was complaining about the customer as if he had done something wrong. She asked me if I was in the right, and I said that the way she came off at the start of the conversation may have been received as rude. Now, every time I go to work, she acts offended and speaks to me as little as possible. Should I have just not said anything? No, 16-year-old, I'm proud of you. I know.

This is a great kid. That's a kid that was raised right and that has got good character and is strong. Good for you, 16-year-old. Tim. Yeah, 100% believe that. This is a good kid. Yes. His parents should be very, very proud.

They should. And Tim, go find another job. Life is too short to work for bosses that have no character and no integrity. And they're going to take out their hurt feelings on a 16-year-old who's got more character in his two feet than this. Yes, you are right, Tim. Good for you. It makes me happy. Yeah, it's hope for the future. And Tim even said it right. He wasn't like, yeah, you are right, Tim Good for you It makes me happy Yeah, it's hope for the future And Tim even said it right

He wasn't like, yeah, you were totally rude He's like, well, you could have come off as rude I know, the way he handled it was pretty impressive He's almost like a married man He knows how to take the edge off a little bit Good for him Yeah, so nope Good for you, Tim

You're making me believe in the future I believe the children It's rough sledding out there, Kelly. Future doesn't look great sometimes. But lucky for us, we're entering into an election season, which everyone's super thrilled about. Ah, geez. So with that joyful news, America,

choose to treat your neighbors kind. Turn off the news. Just go be a positive addition to your community because I think that's what we got right now. Love you guys. See you soon.