The Dr. John Delony Show - She Cheated on Me and Gave Me an STI

Episode Date: October 10, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: A guy wondering how to leave his toxic girlfriend A wife struggling with being second in her husband’s sex life A woman who feels like her husband is holding her back Next Steps:  📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message.  📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life  📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch    Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.    Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights  🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I met the girl that I thought I was going to marry, but as time went on, she ended up sleeping with another guy in the same night, and she ended up giving me general herpes for life. And she was saying that the reason she chees on me or whatever is because I wasn't there for her. Listen, stop. What up? What up? What up? This is John, the doctor. John Deloney's show, taking your calls on your mental and emotional health and your relationships and whatever you got going on in your life. Go to John Deloney.com slash ask ASK. And please, please, please hit the subscribe button wherever you are watching or listening to this show. All right. It's got on the street to Nashville right here in town and talk to Jared. Hey, Jared.

What's up, dude? Hey, how's it going, Dr. John? I'm good, man. What are you up to? Oh, you know, just working, trying to get through all the troubles. How can I help, man? So I've got a huge, it's a huge backstory. I'm going to try and keep it as concise as possible and line it up to the original question as much as possible here. I don't know really how to make concise, but I'm going to try, so bear with me. So basically, I met the girl that I thought I was. I was going to marry about four years ago, and it started off, you know, amazing. And

it was a rough time in her life, and I just wanted to be a friend, but, you know, things escalated very quickly, yada, yada, yada. And clearly, she wasn't ready for the relationship, and I had told her, I was like, you know, I think we should hold off on this a little bit and take some time. but as time went on I didn't commit to her in like the first two months because I'd never had a girlfriend before and I was scared and I didn't want to bring any pain or anything

onto her because of how damage she was already and then what happened was she ended up sleeping with another guy in the same night and she ended up giving me general herpes for life and that kind of broke me as a man and just as a person

forget as a man you don't have to genuinely under it. That's just awful. Yeah. Yeah. And so I've been living with that. That broke me and then it kind of killed the relationship because of what happened. She lied about it for months. I feel like she had no idea of what went on.

She felt bad initially. And then now it's like all the blame shifted on me to like a year and a half or so after that after she. Wait, why are you still talking to her? I don't know, man. I guess I'm just like sitting here like holding on to the hope that was I'm not sure What hope dude

I mean y'all are together for two months and she slept with another dude in the same night she was with you and gave you a sexually transmitted infection like forever Yeah I just feel so low Like I'm just I'm just dead inside And then it just like every time

something good happens things get good for a couple months and then she like she talks to another man and it's like hey i'm done talking about her where is your self-respect i don't know like this idea like i care and love this man named jared in Nashville tennessee in my neighborhood i love this guy i respect him where is where is that voice i don't know i like whenever all all this stuff happened, like it just keeps pouring salt in my wounds. I'm so down that I don't even... You keep taking a wound and you unbandage it and you hand it right back to her and she's like, okay, and she pour salt back into it.

Yeah. It's like you have a paper sack with a rattlesnake in it. You can't get mad at the snake. That's what it does. It bites. And you keep putting your hand back in there. That's who she is. She's established that over and over and over again.

Because I'm just, I just hope and pray that she changes. and then it just keeps coming back. You don't have that power. You can't change her. She has established who she is. And she was saying that the reason she cheated on me or whatever is because I wasn't there for her. Listen, listen, stop.

I mean, you can keep saying that. You can keep living this world if you wish. I can't help you. Yeah. You're going to have to decide at a root. level, I'm worth more than this. And by the way, there are people that will be with you forever that will love you

even though you have herpes. You're not stuck with her forever, a person who man, you're worth so much more than this, dude. I just poured so much more into everything. I just don't want to give up you haven't you haven't poured any what have you poured into this it was two months and

she slept with another guy and gave you an sdi i don't understand what have you poured into this we've been together for four years now we live together we she has a five-year-old daughter which isn't mine and i'm basically like her dad and it's just really tough okay well how can i help man i'm and then so whenever she cheated on me whatever she wants this that and the other and we're stuck in a little trailer, so I started day trading or whatever, and I made a ton of money. And then I put more fault on the relationship

because I lost $60,000 after I had made $100,000. So now she hates me for that. So it's just like I feel like she's just punishing me because she's mad at me, but because whenever she cheated on me or whenever these other dudes have more to offer than me right now, and it's just like she says that she loves me and cares for me more than anything in the world,

then it's like, it doesn't make any sense because it's like somebody that loves you would not do this stuff to you and then she just blames everything on me. Jared. How can I help you, man? I just, I don't know, I don't have the courage to leave

and I don't know what to do. Like, I want to fix this badly. It is an unfixable situation. She's an untenable human. And you keep making dumb, decision after dumb decision. And I say this as I say this as lovingly as I can.

Living in a trailer and day trading is not the path out, man. Yeah. And if you have somebody who loves and cares about you, they won't sleep with other people. They won't beat you up when you're down. and I guess she's turned everything on me to the point where I think I'm the problem and it's like I've sitting here question what's real and what's not like I've lost my mind yes you have I'm trying to give it back to you and you don't want it you're so transfixed with this woman that you've given her common sense you've given her your health you've given her your soul you're a living babysitter for her you're a meal to ticket for her and you're a punching bag for her.

I just can't understand why somebody would do that. She's not a good person. You're trying to figure out an unsolvable problem. And every time you stick around to try to solve the problem, you just get beat up more and more and more and more.

it's like you're in a boxing ring but your hands are tied behind your back and the boxer's just hitting you and you're like I don't can't figure out why I'm getting punched and the whole time you're trying to figure he's just wailing on you and the wisest thing to do is just get out of the ring man

and she says that I do that to her because I'm like all this sadness and depression has just turned into anger and I can't I can't like I can't hold it back anymore I'm so hurt I'm so upset hold on jerry that's not true you can

but again going back to the rattlesnake analogy that's like the rattlesnake biting you and blaming you your hand for swelling up yeah and having not handsome hands anymore and then you put your hand back in the bag try to pick up the snake again and it bites you again

and then it blames you for getting stung. Here's a thing, you know this. I'm not telling you anything you don't know. I just can't. I don't know what's making me not be able to walk away. I don't know, man. I don't know.

It's like I imagined my whole life with this girl, and then it's like every time things start to get better, it just gets tore all open again. Okay. You get to decide. you're in a very toxic, toxic, toxic situation. In medicine, there's a rule that if we give somebody an intervention, if we give somebody in medicine and they get worse,

even if we don't know why that medicine is making them worse, we stop the making them worse part, even before we know why. And so what I'm telling you is in the middle of a fist fight, when someone's beating you down, that's not the moment to figure out why the punches are coming. You have to get away from the fight. Yeah.

And then it's like, I'm consumed by this stuff all day long because I'm like, oh, my God, where is she doing? Where is she going? Why is she stopped here? Here's the thing, brother. Here's the thing, here's a thing. I cannot help you, dude, because you don't want to be helped right now.

And that's okay. That's okay. And I guess I can't understand why I don't want to be helped. Why am I acting it in this way? Why am I? I don't know. I mean, I don't know.

I don't have an answer for you, dude. You're not interested in that answer. What you're interested in is how you, can you figure out how to mold and shape yourself to stay in a situation with a very unhealthy person? Yeah. That's it. But now I'm unhealthy because of it. So now I don't know. Now I feel like I don't, I'm just scared.

Be scared or whatever. You're the one supporting this situation. I don't know what you're more scared of, getting hurt again, getting cheated on again, getting another disease again, or being alone for the first time in several years. But here's the thing, dude, you've been alone forever. You've been alone for a long. long, long time, man. But also, I get it.

I get it. I talk to people offline in your situation all the time who are just so stuck in a toxic relationship. They can't see their way out of it. And I just have to tell you, I can't help you, man. Until you say, I'm ready to get out. I'm ready to move. I'm ready to break free from this.

I'm worth more than this. And it always starts from, I'm worth not hurting. I'm at least worth that. I'm at least worth not hurting. I will figure out why I'm in this toxic relationship. I'm going to figure out why I'm attracted to it. I'm going to figure out why, why, why. I'm going to do that later right now.

I'm going to quit drowning. I'm going to quit getting bit by the rattle snake. That's going to be number one. When you're ready for that, my man, you call me. And I'll walk with you on the way out. And I'll sit with you during the loneliness times, and I'll talk to you and give you a roadmap for what comes next. But you're not there yet. And I'm just going to ask you to make good choices, dude.

You are in control of your anger. You're in control of your rage. You're in control of what happens next. You get to make the next move. Not her. You. It's your move. When we come back, a woman asks if it's wrong for her to want to be her husband's

first choice over masturbation. We'll be right back. All right. If you're like me, you're in the middle of it. Summer is gone. We're in the fall now and the days are getting shorter. School is back in full swing. The Q4 work stresses are hitting hard and you and I both are wanting to numb out more and more. We have to be intentional about protecting our sleep because here's the truth. How we sleep is an incredibly large part of how well we all feel. When our body isn't rested, our minds can't reset. Sleep is one of the most important things we can do to stay mentally sharp,

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It takes like two minutes or so, and they will match you with exactly the right mattress for you. And right now, my audience can get an exclusive 20% off their entire order during Helix's extended Labor Day sale. Go to helixleep.com slash Deloni for 20% off site wide. That's helix sleep.com slash Deloni. And tell them you heard about Helix mattresses right here. on this show with Helix Better Sleep starts right now all right let's go out to alberta canada and talk

to lynn what's up lynn oh hi i'm so nervous that's all good it's all good i'm nervous too i'm not very good at this so we'll get to it together yeah you say that all the time you're good at it it's just because this is such a private and taboo topic that nobody talks about that it's I don't know who to talk to about it. So, like, I have an issue with my husband masturbating and feel like I'm, I'm just kind of left out, like, that he doesn't pick me at all. Yeah. Tell me about it.

Well, Caleb Backstory. You've been together since I was 16. How old are you now? Got married at 18. I'm 48. So 30 years of marriage. Okay. Yeah, married at 18.

and when I was pregnant with our first kid, I had gone out for an event. I said, I'll be about an hour. And I came home, and in our bedroom, I found a porn tape open. And I was like, what is this? You know, like, oh, I guess I left that out. I was like, I was only gone an hour.

Like, you couldn't wait. And I guess I was just so naive. I thought that once you were in a committed sexual relationship, you just didn't do that anymore. I was just so surprised. You didn't look at pornography? or masturbate? Him, you say, or me?

No, no, I'm saying like you didn't know that, you thought once we're married and we're having sex together that all that just goes away? Yeah. Oh, awesome. I did. Awesome. Okay.

Very cool. Now we're on the same team. I totally thought that. Hey, you're not the only one. You're not crazy, okay? I'm just laughing at the data. So, no, I'm not laughing at you at all. I'm laughing with you.

So yes. But you know. I'm like, well, I didn't. I went to him first. if I was interested or wanted to. I just thought he would too. Sure. Okay, so that was a long time ago.

Oh, yeah, well, this is just the history. It's been pregnant with my second kid, and I had gone to bed early, and I woke up at midnight and wondered why he wasn't in bed yet. I'm like, what's happening? And I walk out, and I catch him. And I was like, oh. Watch him, watching pornography again?

Yeah. Okay. Caught him in the act, red-handed, if you know what I mean. I got it. Yep. Yeah. And I was like, well, you don't try to have sex with me. And I certainly didn't feel like he found me attractive when I was pregnant.

And he certainly wasn't going to say so because afterwards he goes, oh, I like this much better. I'm like, I knew it. Like I could tell body language is 80% of language. I could tell that you weren't interested in me. He goes, I don't know why I just liked this better. He likes pornography better? He didn't like my body when I was pregnant. Okay.

But when you said he told you, I like this better, what did you mean? He liked pornography better than being with you? No, he would deny that. After I had the kids, he gave me a hug and said he liked my body better when I wasn't pregnant. And so every time I just kept thinking, is he doing it? Is he doing it? And then he would hide it and keep it a secret.

And then I thought, you know, I'm going to be open about this. Let's talk about this. and I asked him if he'd watch porn every time he's like no it's like sometimes I would think of you I'd watch a picture of you and I just thought it was when I was away like if I was gone for a couple of days I'd come home and I'd say

you know hey did you masturbate and he's like oh just once and then my whole world it blew off about a year and a half ago what happened? We were in Mexico we were in Mexico

and I was looking through his phone at pictures of Chechnie son, I found pictures of girls, like of women. Like, we had our younger, we had our 20-year-old son there and his friend and they were trying to find girls. We're like, oh, how about that girl? How about that girl? And I think you just kind of got caught up in it. But this picture,

I was like, that is definitely not a girl for our son. Like, what is this picture about? And he says, oh, I don't know. I don't remember. And I said, well, I'm going to delete that. And then I said, give me your phone back. I want to look at that picture again. And he goes, I thought you deleted it.

I said, I did. I mean, you're trash. And he just reached across the bed and grabbed the phone out of my hand and says, don't look. You're just going to make yourself more upset. And I was like, what is happening right now? Like, I picked him because he was different from all the other guys. I didn't want a guy who looked at porn, went to the strip clubs, looked at Playboy, drank a lot, smoked at drugs, like, this is not our value system, you know? And then I'm thinking, like, maybe he's not happy. maybe he's he's he's he I'm not good enough everything would turn to a 180 I'm like I'm one who's

been unbelievably unhappy multiple times in this marriage not you you've been solid and steady and I've always done the work to fix it like like how am I going to make this better and then to think that maybe he wasn't happy and then after we got home he says to me I'm not unhappy I'm not looking for somebody else it's not in me to cheat I don't know why I did it. I just got caught up. And it just felt like he had felt like he was somebody I didn't know. And so we've been working hard over this last year and a half with counseling and stuff.

And I'm just learning more and more that I could be at home. I could be at home sleeping. And he would still go masturbate. And I'd say, well, if you, can he told, he admitted to me he would use porn 99% of the time. And he says, I screwed up, didn't I? by telling you that. And I was like, no, I'm asking these questions. I want to know.

I want you to be open and honest with me. You're just hiding so much stuff. And he admitted to lying to me about more than just this. He likes me about everything. And I was like, did I set this up? Like, was I too hard in the beginning being like, this is not how I want our life to look like. I don't want you going out to the bars.

I don't want you out drinking and spending all night. Like we're married now. We're going to have a family. I want you home. Like, did I, apart. to me feel like I created an avenue for him to hide and sneak in line. And then he said, like to the counselor, he felt like, you know, the masturbating was just a habit and that he just, he,

it was something you don't talk about. Hey, Lynn, Lynn, let me interrupt you, okay? You're not crazy. He would never initiate sex with me after those. Lynn, Lynn, Lynn, Lynn, Lynn, Lynn, Lynn, Lynn, Lynn, Lynn. You're not crazy. Okay. I don't know how to say this in a caring way.

This hasn't never been about you other than you had a fantasy about the man you were with and you ignored signal after a signal after signal. And I think the part of this whole thing that you've lost trust in is you've lost trust in you, in your radar and your ability to judge people. this isn't about masturbation this is about a husband with a profound pornography addiction that has gone on for year after year after year after year after year

after year it's not about you being pretty enough it's not about you being desirable enough it's about your husband being dead in his own skin and making choice after choice for year after year to not seek aliveness inside his own skin inside his own relationship just taking the easy path out over and over and over again

and I know I can't make him do anything And I can't open up and talk to me. I'm begging for it. And he says, I'm trying. And I said, how? How? Like, I don't see it. I mean, you could be constantly still watching for to masturbate and just telling me you're not.

And I have no idea. And he says, I'm not. I'm not anymore. I stopped. I'm not doing it. And it's no big deal. Lynn, what have you put in place so that you can begin to reestablish trust? No.

like it's in like looking at his phone and this is going to sound this is going to sound harsh but you're choosing misery right now you've exposed you've exposed a behavior you've exposed the character of a person that you built a life with you've also exposed that you repeatedly over the years ignored the fact that this guy was stepping out on you emotionally yeah over and over and over and over and over and over again and you ignored it and so you've also exposed that you've lost trust in yourself okay all of this is true but continuing to have imaginary conversations and to spiral and to say I can't trust I can't trust I can't trust all that is true but it's a choice to stay miserable right this second having you here's what healing looks like and I'm pissed off at your therapist for not giving this to you. He has to have a map,

a roadmap that will reestablish trust for you. What does that look like? What does that look like? That means no internet for six months in this house, period. That means a flip phone. That means no social media accounts or I'm linked to every one of them

and I have the pass codes to all of it. I don't know, you get to make it up. But whatever will allow you. allow you to reestablish trust and then he has to say out loud here's what would reestablish life and joy and pleasure and play and a life worth living inside his own house and if he's not willing to do that or he's willing to take you and your kids on y'all's vacation while he sits over here with pictures of 24 year olds on his phone jerking off in the shower where y'all are out at the beach that's his choice but you get to decide whether i want to

be a part of that or not that's a guy cashing out on the one precious life he has and that's you choosing to spin and spin and spin by just your your truck is stuck in the mud and you just got your foot on the gas at some point you've got to get on just walk i'm not going to sit here and keep doing this i'm just digging a deeper hole yeah and nobody wants to be there their husband's mother. Nobody wants to look at somebody's phone, but this is where we are. Because what else is the opportunity...

I think you're just going to say, I think you're doing this. He's going to go, no, I'm not. And you're going to go, okay. And then you're going to find out he is again. I'm like, what else am I going to find out? You know what you're going to find out? You know what you're going to find out.

Don't you? No, I don't know. what else you're lying to me about? He says, I can't think of anything right now. Like, he'll just lie about stupid things. And he lies to other people. I'm like, just because he doesn't want confrontations. I'm like, you need to stop doing that.

That is not how I live my life and that's not how I want you to live your life. I'm like, I'm done letting go of all stuff. But you've lived your life this way, your whole marriage with him. Yeah, and I do everything. I know, but when you say, I'm not, I don't live like this. You do. well I guess I don't make those choices to make those decisions and he does and I guess I'm just I can guarantee that I'm going to be disappointed I'm always getting disappointed I'm tired so here's the great scary terrifying question that all of us have to ask what are you going to do now well I figure if I go back to I guess this is just how he is he's going to be that quiet guy sitting on the couch. avoiding any confrontation, not standing up for anybody, especially me.

And that's just the way he is. And I'm letting myself down because I'm letting go with you. That's right. And I always follow through with my word. Always. And I'm just so sad because everybody thinks he's the greatest thing ever. My kids love him. Everybody, the community thinks he's this wonderful, upstanding guy.

Lynn, when are you going to show up for me? When are you going to show up for you? But then I'm doing it by myself, Josh. You've been doing it by yourself. By myself. You've been doing it by yourself. I know. I know.

I'm always doing it by myself. But you give your kids a vote. You give the community a vote. You get your neighborhood a vote. You give whatever women he's talking to a vote. When are you going to give Lynn a vote? Now. When we get off this call, I want you to take out a piece of notebook paper

or go grab a paper off of the printer in your house and write down, today Lynn gets a vote, and here's what that means. If you lie again, you're out of my home. You're going to sit down and together we're going to tell our adult children about the last 25 or 30 years of our marriage. if you look at pornography again do what I said I would love this for it to all be out in the open be transparent you'll probably feel a lot better honey if you just get it all out

listen you have to decide Lynn you have to decide I'm worth more than this and this is not about masturbating It's not. It's about you living in a ecosystem that where you have continued to have blinders on and these blinders have kept you sort of-ish safe but the whole time you've known they're not safe. And year after year and catching him

and catching him and catching him and when he lies out in public you just brush it off you ignore it you don't call it out when he lies at home and you know he's lying when he lies to the kids you just kind of move on and every time you do this you bury a part of yourself a little bit deeper and a little bit deeper and a little bit deeper you are right you can't control him you are right you can't ever know for sure if he's cheating on you or whatever you can't the only thing you can decide is i lynn and worth more than this and here is what that means if he wants to remain married to me here's what reestablishing trust will look like because i'm not going to walk around every second of everyday wondering if he's cheating on me wonder if he's spending our money somewhere when like and by the way this doesn't happen in a vacuum i guarantee there's secret account somewhere or there's financial infidelity somewhere i guarantee it i guarantee you he's messaged people on social

media and when you caught him he probably wouldn't delete everything but i guarantee that stuff is there guaranteed it i guarantee that this pornography problem i don't i don't nothing i could think of right now right sure that is not the response of a exhausted fried man recommitted to his marriage just not somebody got caught and he's going to pat you on the head until this blows over like it always has land and you're going to have to decide i'm done living like this I don't care what the community thinks. I do care what my kids think, but they're going to know the truth.

Not in an ugly gross way, but in an honest way. And my husband's going to have a path towards ending this marriage, or my husband's going to have a path towards reestablishing trust, but I'm not just going to sit here with my foot on the gas in the mud, spinning a deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper hole. And I know that sounds harsh, but that's just the reality that you find yourself in, Lynn. So the next move is yours.

And my hope is for the first time in your adult life, you will choose Lynn. So that maybe you can choose your marriage. It's your move. When we come back, a woman asks, what should she do if she feels betrayed by her husband? This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Most of us are guilty of oversharing with the internets or with the wrong person at one time or another. Or maybe you're just like me and you're just a bit of an oversharer all the time. And let's be honest, our entire culture is based on oversharing.

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To get started, just answer a few simple questions, nothing weird or scary, and they will connect you with the licensed therapy. who fits your needs. Plus, if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. BetterHelp has been matching people with therapists for over a decade, and their 4.9 rating shows they're really good at matching clients and therapists. So talk it out with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloni. Let's go to Raleigh, North Carolina, and talk to Mara, Mary. What's up, Mary?

Hi, Dr. John. How are you today? I am just remarkable. How about you? Well, I'm, honestly, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I've tried Google, my mom, my dog, so I'm hoping that you can give me a little bit more than them. Have you not talked to a counselor or a friend? I have.

So, and I'm actually in counseling right now. Okay, good. I don't even know why you're calling, but I'm glad you called me after your pet, because sometimes pets can really help. Yeah. So to give you some information about me, I'm a 43-year-old wife, and I've been married for just over 10 years. And we've had a really, just a lot of things happen in our marriage that we have overcome.

But right now, I'm struggling. with feelings of betrayal toward my husband and it's turned to animosity and now we're at indifference and I just don't feel like he's helping out to the best of his ability as with the issues that we have in our home and he's been lying about little things and it's just, it's just hard to, hard to be successful in our home when I feel like he's the one helping us set back. What are some things y'all have overcome together? So, my husband, when I met him, he was caring for his mother with dementia.

He also has an autistic son, and he was going through, he had just gone through. a messy divorce, and we went through the cleanup of all that, you know, just life stuff there, and then we had, you know, we had lawyers involved and everything, and that set us back financially, so then we went into all kinds of financial issues. We've had, where we've had two very difficult births with our children, and both of our children are on the spectrum, and we homeschool. So it's been, it's just been a lot of things like that.

Are you working or is he working? I am actually disabled. So I work from home. I run two small businesses on the side and then he works full-time. So in the past 10 years... He's buried his mom, been through a messy, expensive divorce, got remarried, had his own special needs son, had two more kids with special needs, married to a wife with special needs, and he's just kind of cashed out. When you say you're disappointed in him and he's holding you back, it sounds like he has, but y'all have both been through hell the last 10.

10 years. So how's he holding you back? Well, when he met me, he knew that I, I pack a lot into life. I like to live life to the fullest. What does that mean? Well, I used to work for the circus as an animal trainer. So I'm used to, you know, I'm used to being around and doing big things. anything else in my life socially i've always kind of done on that scale kelly considers herself a animal trainer also by working with me by working with me um okay so when did you become unable to leave the house and work full time so during my marriage with him it was um during covid we were in a

car accident and uh the same day that we actually found out we were pregnant and um um it just totaled my back and I went through a major depression during that pregnancy being isolated and not being able to get the help that I needed for my pain and so I just filed and I guess I guess the animosity comes from during that time you know I had done so much to make sure nobody in the home spiraled before and I had already been to a rough previous pregnancy but the second time it was just like okay I can't I can't do this by myself these things like not having a nursery ready and not being you know not not having my needs understand you know being having to manage my diabetes by myself on top of everything there was

just there just felt like there was no help he was just too too exhausted or he'd come to me and say what do you want me to do and I'd be like well here's the list here's the things that I've said and it would just it would just kind of I don't know just kind of dissipate into nothingness you know results and so when I had my um when I had my second child with him and I got through the um I waited to die while I was pregnant I was like the pain is so bad I just want to die and you're the pain in your back or the pain with the pregnancy the pain in my back the pain of the pregnancy there was all kinds of you know complications and stuff, and there was just the home life around me.

I didn't feel nurtured at all. I didn't feel, I didn't feel like there was support. You know, it was, he was still able to work during COVID, so staying at work and everything, and it was still my job to make sure that, you know, the home stayed functioning and our business stayed running during COVID. And I got tired. I got burnt out then, and I said I'm getting burnt out, and I need help. And it just, it just.

didn't arrive and in what way like here's a thing here's a thing here's a thing here's a thing i just want to be as honest as i can with you but i need you to be specific and here's why okay no matter how loving a partner is they can't make catastrophic back pain plus pregnancy plus managing diabetes plus feeding a autistic child like breastfeeding a kid

they can't do they can't make that less miserable right they can help with other things and if a guy's coming to you saying hey how can I love you right now what can I do to help and he's working full time

give me some examples about how he's quote unquote not showing up up? When I was in hospital, and we were coming back, one of the big stressors for me was coming back. And my daughter didn't have a room. She didn't have a nursery. She didn't have anything set up. The house wasn't even clean. I came home to a very messy home. And my daughter happened. How long ago is this? This was four years ago. But this is, it's, it's. It's, it's, it's, It's been things like that.

I just feel like the necessity things that he goes blind to, you know, if I'm having, if I'm having problems with my health in a moment and I just need, I need everybody to go away while I fix, you know, my blood sugars or something. I just, I just feel like he doesn't check on me. There'll be, he'll come home from work and he'll just come home and, you know, go on his phone. You know, he'll let the kids kind of run all around them and he gets. stressed easy and I understand that, but it's just, I just feel like, I feel like I'm by myself. If I say finances, this is what we need to do. We need to have a yard sale to get our finances back on track, you know, and I'll plan it and everything like that.

It just takes something very little to derail it. If I'm needing help with, you know, with our daughter's homeschooling and stuff, and I say, I need, you know, I can't, I've done everything here. I've done all the pre-planning for this, and this is what I need you to do to get me an office. So I can, you know, work with her. And because as she advances, this is what I need for me to get. And it doesn't happen. It's just like, well, we'll talk about that.

And the we'll talk about it just doesn't turn into anything. We'll plan something. And then I'll end up doing it. And then when it comes time to review it or see how we can make changes, and if I need help with something, it just doesn't happen. Can I ask you a crazy question? Go for it. Is it going to sound insensitive, and it's not, I'm not aiming for that.

I just want to know, okay? Because I'm trying to get a full picture here. Do you like him? I do. Okay. When's the last time you all, like, you just made him a couple? cup of coffee and you'll went for a walk? It's been a while.

Okay. Hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on. I got, let me, I'm just going to ask a few questions. And these are not judgment questions. These are just contacts. Yeah.

When's the last time he did something for you, whether big, whether small, whether help you with your diabetes, whether build something for you, make something, whatever? and you told him you were really happy that he did that thing. I honestly can't remember. Because sometimes we get trapped in cycles, and I'm not saying anybody's at fault here, I'm just saying these just happen in relationships, where there's one stressor on top of a stressor,

on top of a stressor. and for one partner their house just feels like a failure factory i cannot win here and so they come home and they just numb out with whether with a tv with a phone with anger with alcohol with pornography they just numb out and at the same time the other partner puts every uncomfortable feeling at their partner's feet and says fix this discomfort for me and that discomfort is a moving target. There can never be a place where we both exhale and say, I'm glad you're here, and I'm glad you're here.

And that just works in a figure eight. I'm uncomfortable. I'm numbing out. I'm uncomfortable. I'm going to try to fix your discomfort. You didn't do it right. I'm numbing out. And it just happens this way.

And the only way I've ever seen that cycle disrupted is when one person says, I'm not living like this anymore. I'm swiping the deck clean I have co-created this with you I want a better marriage I want to build a new marriage will you build it with me because I'm going to change I'm going to ask you to bring your full self

to the table too that's the only way I've seen a change you've built a prison for yourselves and here's the prison we have to homeschool I can't work so I have to run two businesses since I'm doing that I have to have a house that looks different I have to have this I've got to have this, I've got to have this.

And at the same time, he's probably sitting there thinking, I have to work full time and keep the lights on. I've got to do this. I've got to do this. And these have-toes and shoulds and no matter what's are pulling you all further and further and further apart. And the only way I've seen this be successful if somebody comes in and swipes the deck completely clean

and says, the only have to is, I have to serve and love you, and you've got to serve and love me. And if we commit to that, then we can pretty much reverse engine. anything and so how do we develop a new marriage and how do we develop new patterns of relating to each other and it might be you saying I am going to take responsibility for my health my diabetes my doctor's appointments my weight loss we are going to have to for a season

let public school system handle and love our kids can we get a handle on our money I'll send you Financial Peace University and the every dollar app. I'm going to send it to you for free. I'm also going to send you a copy of building a non-anxious life if y'all will use that book as a roadmap. That way you can sit down at this breakfast you all have together with some tools. Thank you very much. And I'm not minimizing your pain at all. I hope you hear that.

I'm not minimizing his just checking out. I know that's happening. I'm just saying one of y'all has to flip the light switch back on. And you both are going to have to come up with different ways of relating to each other. Sometimes saying, we need a yard sale. We've got to get our finances back in order. I haven't even seen. That's one way to do it.

Or, hey, I'm so scared. I'm scared about my health. I'm scared about our kids. I'm scared about our, can we sit down? Can you help me be less scared? we look at our money together and if he says absolutely not screw you and keep scrolling the news on his phone

then behavior's a language he's telling you I've left this marriage and you're gonna have to deal in that reality but continuing to bang your head against the drum of anger and resentment and ash doesn't get you to where you want to go if he's a man of integrity

then he's letting him know I'm scared I'm scared about my health I'm scared about our marriage I'm scared about all of us. I miss you. That's an appeal to a man of integrity. If he's an actor out in the community, then that will expose that.

And if you're expecting somebody else to grieve with you over the life you had, the vibrant, wild, animal training life you used to have that is now a mother of three special needs kids and a debilitating back injury and I'm stuck in the house with two online businesses, then expecting somebody to make you happy is an unrealistic expectation. Somebody to grieve with you and to build a new life, that's realistic.

But if you live in a pain factory and he lives in a failure factory, that's just, that's going to be the fruit of that tree. And somebody has to say, I love you too much, I love me too much, I love us too much, I'm turning the lights on. I want to build a new marriage are you in, which will be the scariest question anybody asks. That's my hope for you, sister. Hang on the line here.

I'll hook you up with some resources, and you let me know. And if he wants to call in, you all want to call back, I'd love to have you both on. But it sounds like you miss him. And it's your move. All right, if you've listened to my show,

you know that I'm always talking about boundaries. emotional boundaries, relational, financial boundaries, but there's one boundary that I don't talk about very often. Almost nobody talks about it. And that's boundaries around your digital life. Right now, your personal information, your phone number, your address, even where your kids go to school, where you work, all this information is sitting on countless, gross websites that you've never heard of. And you didn't give them permission to have all this information, but it's out there. And let's be honest, it's not just annoying. It's a violation. This constant exposure all over the place from God knows where creates this low-level anxiety that hums in the background of all of our lives. Something always feels off. And that's why I use and love Delete Me. Delete Me goes after the data brokers and the people finder sites that collect and resell your information.

They track down your information and they remove it. And every few months, they send you a report showing you exactly what they've done for you. Taking control of your digital life is about, boundaries and boundaries are about peace. You deserve peace. Go to join delete me.com slash deloney and use code deloney to get 20% off. That's join deleteme.com slash deloney to save 20% off. We are back, Kelly. Am I the problem? You know what? Today you're the problem. But go ahead. It has been an eventful day behind the scenes for those that don't know. We'll just leave it at that. There's been a lot going on. All I have to say is this. I'm trying to do a show and I can

see what's going on behind this glass and if you all could if we could ever just record what goes on back there that show would be so much better like more famous than my show I know but we would all be without jobs I know but man

those first three episodes would crush yeah people walked in while we were taking a sensitive call and it was a lot let's just continue on to some famous people walked in and it was awesome

but I was in the middle of a really sensitive moment and so it was not awesome but seeing Kelly's face out of the corner of my eye because I had to tell said people why they shouldn't be in the room so great yeah anywho that's the reddest I've seen you turn in a long time

I have no doubt since I saw you at that bar mitzvah dance in the other night like just shaking it like a salt shaker in like that bathing suit thing you're wearing that's the most embarrassed I've seen you but just a minute ago was the second most ever all right go ahead So, Nicole writes

What does Nicole say, Kelly? Okay, Nicole writes, am I the problem? I've distanced myself from my high school friends of over 20 years because every time I get together with them, all they talk about is how awful their lives are, and I leave feeling so down. It's a total misery loves company interaction. They're dealing with divorces, cheating husbands,

custody battles, et cetera. Meanwhile, I'm the happiest I've ever been with my husband and four kids. I feel like I can't share anything positive because I feel bad and it seems like they don't want to hear it. They just want to commiserate. I want to support them through their hard times, but getting together with them is such a downer and I dread it. And my selfish friend for trying to distance myself, I want to be around people who bring joy, not negativity. Am I the problem? No.

You are going through one of the most painful breakups, which is that transition from high school and college friends to everyone just kind of splinters off and has kids, gets into their own things, moves away. It's just hard and it's miserable, but no, you are, by the way, your friends don't want your support. They want your co-missory. Dr. Ethan Cross calls it co-rumination. They don't want to fix anything.

They just want you to sit in their sewer, sludgy hot tub and just basting the, ugh. They don't want your support. And so it's you just saying, I don't want to get in the hot tub because it's disgusting. And that stinks because y'all have shared memories. And by the way, this current iteration of them versus you, it doesn't diminish how much fun y'all had in high school and college.

It doesn't. It doesn't diminish the silly times you had, the bad date y'all. It doesn't diminish any of that stuff. It just is a reality that y'all's lives have diverged. And you're going to lean towards joy. and they're going to lean towards misery and co-rumination and just doing on stuff. And I wish there was another way to say it. It just stinks.

It's no good. It's the worst. And it's very, very common. It's very natural. What do you think, Kelly? I agree. I had a friend, one of my best friends from college. And it finally got to where it was so hard to be friends because I felt like I was doing all the heavy lifting as far as everything was always wrong.

and it was always just such a drudge, you know. And so kind of had to just gently let that one go. And that is hard because you keep thinking in your brain, you're like, no, this is my friend, I have to do this. But sometimes you have to make decisions that are right for you. And that doesn't mean you're not there for them. Sure. That you need them and if things turn around

or see them every once in a while. But yeah. I always want to go back to you, do you want my support or do you want my co-missory? And with my closest rider dies, I'll be miserable with you for a season. I'll grieve with you for a season but we're going to work towards

going towards daylight right and if you want to just stay in the dark I'll honor that but I don't want to do that long term and it reminds me of what is it like crabs would they you know are like when like a boiling water no not that guy John

but they'll pull each other down if one tries to climb out oh I didn't know that yeah and my crustacean knowledge is very limited that was good clearly you haven't seen finding nemo because it's in there um but that whole idea of you know somebody tries to climb out but especially when there's more it's when there's three or four of them and then like she said it's just a commiseration and and she may have to say i just can't do this anymore or just kind of

quietly back away yeah head towards joy and if people don't want to go with you it can be a lonely trip especially these days when everything is about let's be miserable together and someone says you know what as for me in my house i'm not going to wait on other I'm going to head towards joy. That can be a lonely walk, but I promise there are other people on that path. Love you guys. Stay at his trouble.

Bye.