The Dr. John Delony Show - She Nags and He Lies

Episode Date: January 8, 2024

On today’s episode, we hear about: - A couple on the verge of divorce after 13 years of marriage - A wife unsure of how to support her husband who just got a DUI - A woman realizing her opposite-sex friendship is crossing the line Lyrics of the Day: "Just Give Me a Reason" - Pink Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Building a Non-Anxious Life Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. He looked me dead in my eyes and told me he was going to go sleep with that girl. Why do you stay married to him no matter what he says? You think he's lying to you? He's cheated on you before? Why are you in this marriage? Your life will be misery and it will be hell until you 100% tell the truth. Hey, good morning, good afternoon, good night. This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, a show about your mental health, your marriage, your emotional health, trying to find some light in a world just gone mad. It's the new year. Hope your new year is off to a great start.

Hope you've implemented some new habits. You are reverse engineering the way you want your home to feel. You and the people that you love are reconnecting. I hope that you're hanging in there. Not only hanging in there, I hope you are ahead of the curve.

You're standing ahead of the curve. Not with big, dramatic firework shows, but little, tiny wins, eating a little bit better, choosing to exercise, choosing to have hard conversations instead of stomping around your house or imagining that you can change somebody else's behavior by nagging or ignoring or being dramatic, whatever's going on in your life. I hope that you are making the changes you promised yourself you were going to make. And if you're struggling, you're already falling off, it's not too late to get back on. Every day is a new day.

You can start over. If you want to be on this show, this show is real people going through real stuff. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. Let's go out. Okay, we got a couple on the line.

These are some of my favorite. And so we're going to go out to This Is Sparta, Tennessee. Let's open up to Jesse. What up, Jesse? What's going on, Dr. John? We're just making it happen, dude. All right. And so I'm going to bring your wife on. Is that right? Yeah. All right. Hang on. And so I'm going to bring your wife on.

Is that right? Yeah. All right. Hang on one second. I'm going to bring on Haley. All right. Haley, Haley, why you bug? Are you on?

Yes. I'm on, Dr. John. All right. So I got Jesse and Haley here from Sparta, Tennessee. All right. So who wants to go first? I'll go first. Okay.

Who's in the most trouble here? How about that? That would be me. I'm the one that's always causing the trouble. All right, let's start with you. Go for it. All right, well, we've been in kind of a tough spot for quite a while now. And every time we have difficult conversations about something that I've done,

I always tend to distance myself from whatever the situation may be or try to minimize my involvement. My question is, how do I fully open up my wife and not be dishonest with her during those difficult conversations. Tell the truth. Am I oversimplifying it? No, you're not.

I've always done that. I tried to distance myself from, I guess, what I've done. I tried to minimize my involvement. I don't know. I don't know how to stop it. I mean, normally half the battle, that's not true, two-thirds of the battle is helping somebody recognize that they've got something they need to do differently. New actions they need to take. You know that.

Yeah. So, give me an example of something, or there's something that must have happened for you on a call. What happened recently that you're trying to minimize or distance yourself from, and you don't want to do that anymore?

Well, like at work, I started a new job here recently, and there was this coworker of mine that was a female, and we started talking, and it wasn't nothing out of the ordinary, just two co-workers talking. But then we started flirting and that's as far as it went. And that's as far as I would allow it to go. And I told her twice that I was married, but I tried to, my wife asked me several times about it and I kept telling her that nothing was going on and I wouldn't do anything. I hadn't done anything wrong, but I knew that it was wrong

just to even be communicating with her, flirting with her. So let's, let's, let's hone in on the word flirt. Um, there's been people in my life when i've been married over 21 years that i would say i i that's just kind of i especially in the old days like that was kind of my energy but it was no text messages there so people use the word flirt and it's just like being extra um connected if you will. Then some people say, no, we were just flirting, and you were sending nude pics back and forth to each other. So be very specific.

Describe the word flirt to me. Just, you know, laughing and staring. We never sent flirty texts or anything back and forth, never phone calls, nothing like that. It was just, you know, we were talking and we laughed at each other's jokes or whatever. And just, I don't know. I don't understand what the problem is. Like, I laugh at Kelly's jokes all the time. I don't mean to be flirting, but I laugh at her jokes all the time.

She does not laugh at my jokes because most of my jokes are directed at her. Right? But I don't understand the, what's the problem. She says that I had an emotional affair on her, even though I never, I never said anything about her or to her about my wife or anything that was going on between us or nothing like that. And it never went any further than just conversations. Haley, what am I missing here? Well, for one thing, he started acting really different to me and, like, not wanting to have much to do with me.

And he looked me dead in my eyes and told me he was going to go sleep with that girl three different times. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, Haley, hold on. Jesse, you kind of left that part out. Did you look your wife in the eye and say you're going to go sleep with somebody else? Never directly, no. Yes, you did.

I mean, in so many words, yes, I did. I told her if she didn't shut up, then I was going to do that, which I probably shouldn't have. I'd say that's a lot of his problem here. Why did you tell your wife to shut up? Or you're going to go hook up with a co-worker? Because at that time, nothing was going on and she just kept on and kept on. And we do not have grown up adult conversations. It's always screaming and yelling and accusing. And

most of the time it's just accusing. So before I go back to Haley, Jesse, here's the deal. This is as honest as I can be. There are couples like you and Haley. Yeah. Where there is a woman in this relationship always, always, always picking, threatening, pointing out. What about this? I can't believe you did that. And the guy in the relationship is always like,

feels like they're tap dancing in velvet shoes on thin ice. Yeah, exactly. And there's also idiotic husbands who cheat on their wives and then five years later get mad that they still and still flirt with co-workers and talk about co-workers and are looking at pornography when they're supposed to be in the other room having dinner and i could just the the don't call and they're late five hours you know i could just make an entire list here. And so you leave a wife struggling and grasping for straws and creating stories to backfill horrific,

bad husband behavior. Not say bad husband. That sounds like a child, but very childish husband behavior. I'm saying I'm, I'm always home. As soon as I get off work, I tell her I'm always home. As soon as I get off work, I tell her I'm headed home. I come straight home from work, and I'm with her.

Every time I'm not at work, I'm with her. Okay, Haley, what am I missing here? I mean, it's starting to feel more and more like Jerry Springer. Tell me. What am I missing? He's been lying to me, and he downplays things for like seven years. There's been a lot of deceit. There's been a lot of stuff he's done.

Give me some examples. Give me some examples. Ask him about what? Give me some examples. Well, he had shitty on me like years ago, eight years ago, I think. Okay. Well, he had shitty on me like years ago, eight years ago, I think. And then we are both recovered addicts. Okay. But there was one time he was using Bahama back for seven months.

Okay. And was lying to me and it just got drug out. And every time he does something, he never gives me time to heal from that before he does something else. Haley, how do you heal from things? It's just really time, I guess, and I try to trust him, but he's always deceiving me and manipulating me and tells me I'm crazy. Like the thing at work, he went up there and told all his coworkers that I was just making

that stuff up, that he didn't do anything. And I, I believe him. I just really believe there's more to it than what he's letting on because he's my husband and I know him. Okay. And he's just so distant. And I just feel like he's more invested in that girl than he will let on because I asked him two months ago to get transferred. He refused. It's just everything I asked him to do to help me in this marriage.

And just like, he'll do it for a couple of days. And then it's just me like holding everything together by myself. So here's, here's the truth of the, of the situation, Haley, as quickly as I can get to it. Either your radar system is wildly over poignant. It's wildly oversensitive to stimuli. And every single thing this poor man does, your body reacts as though you know the truth. He's doing this. He's lying about this he's using this he's cheating on me over here that could be either that or jesse you called my show and you can lie in your

house too but you can't call this show and disrespect me and all the people who tune in by not telling the truth oh i know that and you're slowly drowning your wife and gaslighting your wife to death. So I'll ask you just point blank. If we're going to do this, let's do it. Are you honest and nothing happened between you and this woman at work? Zero things. I swear to you, zero things happened. Okay.

Zero. What is it about your interactions with her and your relationship with your wife that is setting every setting your wife's emotional senses on fire? I guess it's because we've been so distant from each other for the past. I don't know. So long. And then every time something happens, it's like she's either accusing me of something or I'm lying about this or I'm lying about that. And a lot of the times it has nothing to do with anything.

Why do you lie to her then? Let me ask you this. Is it easier to lie to her on little things because you don't want to get poked and prodded and pulled apart and threatened and all that? Well, see, the thing is, is that most of the time I tell her the truth. Most of the time it's just these big things I try to minimize my involvement in. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I know that's not it. I guess it's just because I don't want to let her down,

or I don't want her to be right about me, I guess. She always accuses me of doing stuff on my phone, and none of it's been true. And we'll sit down and go through everything, and she still believes what she thinks, even after we talk about everything. Haley, is that right? There will be like history on his phone,

like all these texting apps and video apps and chatting apps and stop. And all that started when he started talking to that girl, but he still did not have it, but there's history on his phone. He lied to me about even being around that girl for the longest. This has been going on for a month. And two weeks ago is when he admitted that he had other intentions with her after looking me in my eyes and saying all that stuff. And I just, I don't know. I just feel like there's more to it. He says there's not, but he'll drag it out for years

before he'll tell me the truth about one little thing. He does have a problem with porn, always has, and he lies about that for years, and then he'll finally be like, oh, yeah, this time, but... Haley, why do you stay married to him? You can't sleep. for years, and then he'll finally be like, oh, yeah, this time, but it's just the way it is. Haley, why do you stay married to him? You can't sleep. You don't trust him as far as you can.

I mean, you don't trust him the moment he walks into the next bedroom, much less out the front door. And listen, no matter what he says, you think he's lying to you? You think he's cheating on you? You think he might be using again? You think he's lying to you? You think he's cheating on you? You think he might be using again? You think he's deceiving you? He's cheated on you before? Why are you in this marriage? I love him and we have a family together. We've been together for 13 years and I just, I know he's a better person, but he just refuses to give me what I need.

And I'm dating seven years. And I don't know. He keeps giving me false promises, but all his actions say different than his words. So, Jesse, I'm just going to ask you one more time and then I'll wrap this call up and give you all

what little direction I can possibly give you. Okay. You called me and said you minimize things. That's a sophisticated way of saying you lie about things to make yourself less

of a culprit in a situation. Yeah. This whole call, you said you don't lie. You always tell the truth. You always come home. Nothing ever happens. No, no. I lied to her.

I do lie to her. But whenever it... I lie to her only about certain things. Things that I actually have done, I lie to her about. Name them. Give me a couple. Well, like the porn thing. I lied to her about it. Name them. Give me a couple. Well, like the porn thing. I lied to her about that.

Okay, what else? What else? Talking to that girl. I lied to her about that. What else? Oh, how long have you got? Keep going. Rattle them off.

That's just two of the biggest things that I really know about. Keep going. Now you're doing what you called me and asked me about You're distancing yourself from it Go Say it I'm looking at other women I lied to her about that for years

Go Okay keep going That's seriously all I can think of It's not There's more Keep going I'm sure there is more Why do you have

a whole bunch of video chatting apps on your phone? I don't. I do not. She just invents it? No. It says... Whenever you go

on my history, it says something, download whatever that video app is called, but I've never used it. Never.

I've never used a texting app. I've never used a video chatting app. I've never used it. Never. I've never used a text app. I've never used a video chat app. I've never used any of that stuff. And she can go through all the apps that have ever been on my phone because they're still there. You just happened to download them and you just like held on to them? They've never been downloaded. That's what I'm saying. They've never been downloaded. All right. Well, here's the deal. Here's the deal. Haley, this is just, dude, I've talked to y'all for, I don't know, 10 minutes. Haley, I think that there's been a world created by both of y'all where you are unable to walk with any sort of certainty on the foundation

that is your home, that that is in your that is your home that is your marriage it is your relationship period jesse if you are completely 100 innocent here which there's not one cell in my body that believes that but if you are lying for years about using, about an affair, about pornography, about talking to other women, about looking at other women, telling your wife to shut up or you're going to go sleep with the lady at work, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. You've created a context in your home. You've pumped air into your home that makes it impossible for your wife to breathe. And Haley, if he's not doing all these things

and you just have a pair of glasses on that is constantly looking for a reason why you've got to get worked up about something, you're going to find it. You're going to imagine it, whether it's on his phone or not. Here's what I have to say. This will be the rest of your life unless y'all decide to do something different together.

Jesse, your life will be misery and it will be hell until you 100% tell the truth. And I'm telling you, I don't think you're telling the truth. That's just me. Haley, you will never have peace in your home in your marriage until A, Jesse tells the truth, B, you decide to forgive, and C, y'all decide to build something new together. End of story, period. But if you choose to stay in a marriage and 100% of your day is looking for places

where he may or may not, or I'm just confident, I know it, where he's doing things to hurt you and hurt your marriage, what do you, why? Why would you do that? Why would you live that life? And Jesse, why would you stay married if you're with somebody who thinks so little of you and thinks you are lying to them all the time, 24-7, 365, all the time, and you're just this innocent guy trying to make a living, trying to do good work. Yeah, you flirt at work, but you don't do anything wrong ever. Why would you stay in this marriage? There will be no peace in your home, Jesse and Haley, until you'll both decide to tell the truth. There will be no peace in your home, Jesse and Haley, until you'll both decide to tell the truth. There will be no peace in your home, Jesse and Haley, until you'll decide,

once all the truth is on the table, I'm going to delete everything from my phone, period. If it means that much to you, I will not go back. I'll get transferred to the next town over and I will not go to that place. But when I do this, you can't keep, you cannot keep hassling me about things that are not happening. I will never minimize something that I do wrong. And I'll never yell and call you stupid and tell you to shut up woman. And I'm sleeping with other women. I'm never going to talk to you like that because nobody deserves to be talked like that. And I'm not going to scrutinize every little tiny breath you

take to see if you're doing this and cheating this and lying. I'm going to stop because peace is worth more than that. I can't recommend this enough. Y'all got to stop what you're doing. Just stop, both of you, and decide to go see somebody,

a counselor in your local community there in Sparta. Please do that. Please do that. That's as far as I can go on this call, guys. There's some honesty that needs to happen in your home. There's some forgiveness that needs to happen in your home, and there's a radical control-alt-delete that needs to happen with how you talk to each other and how you plan for what happens tomorrow.

We'll be right back. All right, let's go out to Baltimore and talk to Denise. What's up, Denise? Hi, Dr. Deloney. How are you? I don't know. After that last call, I'm still trying to figure out what day it is. So how are you? I'm doing okay. Thank you for taking my call. It's such an honor to talk to you. I'm a big fan of you and the whole Ramsey team.

And I really respect the advice and the truth that I hear you delve out to others just like on that last call. Well, thank you. I don't know how much I helped on that last call. So I'm here just to talk to you. I don't know how much I helped on that last call, but so what's up? What's up? So I really reached out because I'm looking for some help in dealing with something. My husband and I, he recently had a DUI incident. Hey, give me a favorite. Talk directly into your phone for me. Can you hear me better now? I'm sorry. Yeah, that's much better.

Alright. He recently had a DUI incident. He had been drinking with friends and got involved in an accident where luckily no one was hurt, but he did hit another parked car

and it just was not a, not a good situation. And his drinking in general and drinking and driving has been kind of a, you know, an ongoing issue for, I would say the past at least probably three to five years or more. Um, but his luck just kind of finally ran out and it kind of came to a head when this happened. And we've had lots of arguments and discussions where I've tried to stress to him that if he didn't make some serious changes, there were going to be some consequences to his actions. And that's what has happened. So there's a chance he could go to jail. I know there's probably going to be some significant fines

and legal fees and other things that are going to be a burden to us. And I just am struggling with how to deal with it. He is very ashamed and regrets the whole thing. I think that it has been a wake-up call for him. He says he's completely done with drinking. Altogether doesn't want any alcohol at all. Do you believe him? I want to.

I don't think you would be calling me if you believed him. Yeah, just because nothing like this has ever happened before. You know, this serious, but he has absolutely said that before, that he, you know, he can, he doesn't have a problem. He can manage it himself. but yeah I don't know how to trust him and believe that he really does want to stop drinking so here's the thing the DUI if he quits drinking and cleans himself up

it'll be the luckiest thing that ever happened to him nobody got hurt it's going to cost him a you think you know how expensive this is going to be it will be it will be astounding how expensive this is okay and good good i'm glad it is it should be more expensive i got i got zero none zero sympathy for people who get duis period zero right ever ever um but it comes with it right he he mouthed off to a bully and got punched in the nose.

That's what happens, right? So that's not why you're calling. You're calling because you're married to somebody who has heard you speak your heart and has said, I don't care. I don't care how you feel. I don't care what you want. I don't care what you need.

I'm just going to do my thing. That's the issue here. The secondary component is those things could kill somebody else, and it could have. He just hit a parked car like an idiot. Yeah. Right? Yeah.

And so what you have to deal with, the DUI is the DUI, man. He's going to get arrested. He's going to have to go into the legal system. He's going to have to report that on every job he ever has unless he gets an attorney that pleads it down for him. It's going to cost him an unfathomable amount of money that y'all probably don't have. That's all part of the consequences.

But even the way you say that to him, you sound like a mom talking to a little boy, not a wife. Because here's what a wife says. A mom says, if you keep doing that, there's going to be consequences. A wife says, I think enough about, I have respect and dignity for myself enough that if you put yourself or me or other innocent people in this position, I'm out. Here's the quote unquote, in counseling, we call it the or what. You can't put up a boundary or hold somebody accountable without an or what statement. You got to quit drinking or what?

Well, no, I mean, not really anything. I'm just going to like nag you or You got to quit drinking or what? Well, no, I mean, not really anything. I'm just going to like nag you or you got to quit drinking and driving. Okay. Or what? Like, uh, I'm, I don't know. Like, uh, so I'll ask you what's your, or what statement? Because here, and here's why that's important. I want you to think through it.

If there's no, or what statement, what you're saying to yourself is I've made peace that this is my life. And if that's what you've made peace with, then that's what you've made peace with. Otherwise, no, it's not. Are you done? I mean, tell me what your or what statement is. No, we have had that discussion since this incident happened. And what I said to him, and I actually even said it not too long before, but I told him if he continues down this path of putting himself and other people at risk, I you said, doesn't have any respect and value, you know, our lives and what we've built together and is just willing to throw it all away because he wants to drink. I just can't. So the one, and I'm super proud of you for saying that.

That's hard, right? That's hard. Especially if he's truly not just being a moronic bro, but he's struggling with alcohol There's things in his life that his body has said. Hey guy, this is the best way we need to uh, we can get through a day for right now That he is drowning in his own life and alcohol is his lifeline Like man, I got a lot of uh sympathy for that I got a lot of uh sympathy for that i got a lot of broken heart for that dude if that's

if that's what's truly happening or if he's just like a reckless idiot and he's like oh bro like then man that's other problem but i'm proud of you for saying that here's the one caveat that you have to add this time you left it very very vague if you keep putting other people at risk and having the, see what I'm saying? And that leads to a judgment call, especially a judgment call after a dude's had four doubles and a couple of beers. I'm not putting anybody at risk.

I'm going to be fine. So where your or what statement has to get clear, it has to get very specific. Right. If you have a single drink and get behind the wheel of a car, again, I'm filing for divorce.

Are we clear? You're just going to leave me like that? No, no, no. It has nothing to do with that. I've repeatedly told you what I need from you. And you've repeatedly said those dudes,

these bars, this drink is more important than you. Behavior is a language. Right. I don't think I've said it that clearly to him, but I have said I would rather be alone than be in this situation. And again, I'd rather be alone is super, it's hard to say, but it's very vague. Yeah. I will, you will be moved out of our home. Right. Right.

I mean, that's the kind of clarity. Otherwise it's going to always be this amorphous-y kind of moving in, you know, okay. Yeah. And that's kind of what it's become until wham, he hit somebody. Thank God there was nobody in the car. Yeah. And that's kind of what it's become until wham, he hit somebody. Thank God there was nobody in the car. Yeah. It's hard to hear and it will be hard to say, but I will. I don't, after 23 years of being married, I don't want to see that come to an end.

Can I say something kind of scary? Yeah. It's not you. This is not by your hand, but in your lap. Of course you don't want it to end. And if you sent papers to him today, that would not be you ending the marriage. He will have made a bunch of choices.

He will have slammed the door in your face. And you will be choosing to turn around and go the other way. It's not you slamming the door on him and that's how he'll paint it. That's how his attorney will paint it. That's how all his friends will paint it. He will have slammed the door in your face and you will have chosen for the first time in 23 years, not just to stand there on the porch knocking and see if he'll open it again. Right. And I think that's some of the emotion that I'm dealing with because I have some guilt around, could I have pushed him harder and laid out an ultimatum,

like you're saying? No, Denise, this is hard, man. This is hard. And when the good times are good, they're really good, aren't they? Yes. And you love this guy, right? Yes. I love him with all my heart.

Right. And part of you thinks, if I'm not here to help, he's going to go so far off the deep end, we're all going to lose him, right? Yes. I totally get that. And the scariest part for you is you can't make him do anything. Right. He has to decide my life is worth more than what I'm living right now.

Right. And he can announce to the world, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. Unless he's in a treatment plan, unless he's at a 12-step meeting, I don't trust that sentence as far as I can throw it. Unless he's not seeing a professional counselor, I don't trust that as far as I can see it. I've just worked with

people struggling with addiction my whole career. Right. And he is going down that path. Of course, as recommended by the attorney we talked to, starting treatment. He has an appointment coming up later this week. He's going to be in an ongoing treatment program.

So that's a positive. Here's where I think your clarity needs to come into. I'm going to give you some example prompts, but this is not me telling you what to do, okay? Right. I don't want to confuse the two. You've got to decide. But based on what you're telling me,

I would have a conversation today or tomorrow that says, hey, I haven't been super clear. And all of this got very clear for me when you almost died or when you could have killed somebody. So for the sake of both of us and for me to show you and prove to you how much I love you, I'm going to be super clear because the clearer I can be is demonstrative in how much I love you. Here's clear. If you skip this meeting, you will move out of our house. If you skip your first counseling meeting

and don't continue to go, you will be telling me through your actions, our marriage is over. Yeah. Because I think in some ways it would be unfair for him to skip this meeting and you to get all mad at him. And he would look at you and go, you've always told me you're,

I can't do this and you're going to leave and I can't live like this, but you've never done anything. Well, now I'm being clear. If you have a single drink and decide to drive, you're telling me I don't want to be married to you anymore and I'll react accordingly and you can tell them I hope to all it is holy you don't make that choice that you let me come get you that you get an Uber that whatever but I think it feels like it's all about the DUI it's going to be embarrassing

you're going to have to tell your friends it's going to be DUI. It's going to be embarrassing. You're not going to have to tell your friends. It's going to be this and that. It's going to cost a bunch of money. Like I've said that several times. It's not about that. It's about, A, you almost lost your husband. I remember when I was in a, I totaled my car on the way to work.

It was about a year and a half ago now, and I was doing Wim Hof breathing in my car like an absolute moron, and I totaled it on the highway here in Nashville. My wife got in a car and drove up here and hugged me she said i have to i have to see you and i have to touch you and she saw me in the parking lot i went out to meet her and she started weeping in the parking lot that's you you almost lost him thank god you didn't you've been with him a quarter century he's's a part of you, and you're having to live with, this man has not decided that his life is worth more

than the way he's living it, and that breaks your heart, and that forces you to make some hard choices. Boundaries have to be very, very clear. You want to over boundary things to where you end up having to, like somebody calls your bluff, but I think this is boundary time.

This is accountability time. This is direct time. And if you choose, hey, I'm never going to leave this guy. I will never, ever leave him. Okay. Then don't put that on the table. But also don't get, don't get worked up every time

he does something like this. You can be sad that he's hurting, but you can't be sad that he did it to you because you've already decided, I've accepted this, but it doesn't sound like you're there anymore. Sounds like you're through wondering every single night, is my husband going to come home

drunk? Is he going to come home at all? Is he going to sit by me on the couch and be right next to me, but not really be fully there? I'm just tired of this life. We both deserve more. And if you're thinking that, you're right. Thanks for the call, Denise. Wish you guys all the best. We'll be right back. It's time to talk about Organifi. All right, here's one of my main life goals. I want to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible. I want to be that old semi-balding guy in the back of the mosh pit.

And I also want to be that old guy dancing with his beautiful wife into my eighties. And I want to be able to roll around with my grandkids and some WWE style wrestling match into my nineties. And that's why right now I exercise, I work on my friendships, and I try to eat and drink things that only have safe, high quality, high integrity ingredients. And this is why I love Organifi. They're incredibly selective about what goes into their whole food blends. And Organifi gives you ingredients with integrity,

plant-based, certified organic, vegan, dairy-free, soy-free, and glyphosate residue-free. By the way, that's a pesticide you don't want anywhere near you. And it's simple to get the health benefits with Organifi. You just mix with water or your favorite beverage and drink it down. You can take their green juice first thing

in the morning to balance stress and get ready for your day. And you can take Organifi red juice in the afternoon or before a workout for natural sustained energy and endurance. And I love my happy drops every day for natural mood support with saffron extract. Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney right now to save 20% off at checkout with code Deloney. That's Organifi, O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash Deloney and code Deloney for 20% off. All right, let's roll out to Montana and talk to sweet, sweet Ann. What's up, Ann?

Hi, John Belloni. What's up? How are you? I had chocolate chip cookies and milk for breakfast, so I am fantastic. How are you? Oh, dude, I'm kind of jealous right now. I was doing fine until you just said that. I had eggs and apple and protein shake like an idiot. Man.

All right. So good for you. And so we'll prepare for the sugar crash here in a bit. We'll try to get through this call fast so you can land safely from your crash. What's up? I have a question about how do I set boundaries with friends? Go for it. What happened?

Great. So the boundary is one of my best friends is a guy. And I have a fantastic boyfriend who I really want to honor and make feel comfortable. And this one relationship and the way we interact doesn't make him feel comfortable. So some boundaries that we have set is Luke and I, just the friend, aren't going to hang out one-on-one anymore. Hold on. We'll go back. I'll edit that part out, okay? We'll make a note to edit his name out.

Oh, it's a fake name. Oh, it's a fake name. Okay, cool. All right. Never mind then. All right. So Luke, all right. Yep. So Luke, oh no. Where was I? Oh, you're just telling me. So you and oh no. Where was I? Oh, you're just telling me. So you and your boyfriend have made some boundaries so your boyfriend can feel comfortable. Oh yes. So Luke and I just aren't going to hang out one-on-one anymore. And when I interact with him, just a little bit less playful and less flirty. So I've had no problem implementing

these boundaries without saying a word to Luke. But the thing is, I really don't like that. It's making me feel like a bad friend because I just kind of casually keep blowing him off and avoiding him in awkward ways. But every time I try to practice saying the words out loud, I either feel like a hypocrite or I overshare. So I could use some help practicing that. Well, I think the deeper question I have for you is this. Are these your rules that you see, no, this is healthy and right, or are you trying to make somebody happy? This is both of us. This is what we agreed upon. That's not what I asked. Well played. Nice try, Anne.

Well, it was a discussion. I'll miss this friendship a little bit, but I can also see how it does come off that way. And so I also like these rules. This seems like the right direction for us to go. Something doesn't feel right to me. Oh, well, that's unfortunate so like let's take your conversation with your current boyfriend off the table

okay one of your best friends in the world happens to be a guy you laugh you all go hang out and have coffee whatever absolutely no sexual chemistry at all. Is that what you're saying? Not on my side. And so this is where it comes in.

Both the boyfriend and I agree that it would not be out of the ballpark or totally abnormal if this friend did have a crush on me. If Luke had a crush on me, he would be like, oh yeah, no, that kind of makes sense. Nothing from my side. I was single for years while I knew this man and I never asked him out a single time. I got nothing. Did he ask you out? Nope. Okay. Would he, if you just called him tonight and you're like, I can't believe this. I've missed it. You're right under my nose this whole time. I love you. What would he say? Probably yes, but I guess I don't know. Okay. I think that we can be cruel when we know somebody has feelings for us and we kind of play right up against the line there. And we know that there's like this weird unspoken tension.

We know, you know, kind kind of but not really but maybe but not really okay and there's a i mean that definitely is where the oversharing comes in tell me about oversharing what do you mean by that oh well like if i want to set these boundaries the thing is the one-on-one rule would make me feel like a hypocrite because like i would still go hang out with some of my other guy friends, just the two of us. There's no issues there. But there would be issues with Cam because of the fact that we both see that type of relationship being a possibility. Both the boyfriend and I think that would be possible. So for me to set the clear boundary of like, hey, I don't want to hang out one on one anymore.

Because we think that our relationship is too close. That feels weird to overshare like that. It feels weird that you keep having to use a plural. Oh, I can take the boyfriend out of it if you would like. Well, it's not for me. I don't, I mean, I'm asleep just fine tonight. It sounds like you kind of have a crush on this dude and you know it's not great

if you're dating somebody else. Am I wrong on that? No crush on him. Huh? No crush. Nothing. Okay. So, is it just that, like, full disclosure, is it just that your boyfriend's uncomfortable with him? Just gets a bad vibe from that dude? Oh, well

there are friends outside of it. He just thinks that Luke and I have a slightly flirty relationship. This is so weird. I don't know what to tell you because here's what I'm trying to paint a picture. If there's a couple of different buckets here, bucket number one is you don't owe anybody an explanation for any of your choices.

You can tell anybody at any time. Hey, I just, I'm dating this guy. I'm going to quit going to one-on-ones, just me and you. I'm just going to stop. It just doesn't feel right. And I like you. You're my friend. You've been my friend for a long time.

I'm just not going to go out to coffee with you anymore And Then if you have another person That you work with and y'all go run grab lunch And he sees it and he's like Wait a minute, you said And you could say, no I said you You and I have been friends For a long time, we've got a deeper relationship

This whole thing is just kind of weird Okay See what I'm saying that's one That works for me number two is if you're dating somebody and they just get that gut feeling watch out for that, dude I've learned to honor that I used to be like whatever That's not real. I've learned to honor that Three is like the third vertical here is, maybe it's time if you and this guy are getting serious,

maybe it's time to say, I'm just going to quit going to have lunches or going to have drinks with just dudes, just me and them. Just kind of as a way of being. I'm going to honor you. I'm going to honor our relationship. I'm going to take all the confusion out of all of this. Okay.

The only place I get stuck with that one is I go hiking with guys and I don't want to be eaten by a grizzly bear. But outside of that, I could honor and respect that. I like the way that works. I would hope you don't get eaten by a grizzly bear. Yes. Remember the rule of hiking and grizzlies. You don't have to outrun the grizzly. You just have to the rule of hiking and grizzlies. You don't have to outrun the

grizzly. You just have to outrun the slowest other person there. Well, that's a man. I had cookies for breakfast, John Maloney. I might be that person, but listen, like the, uh, I don't know. And it feels like there's something else here. No, I liked what you said, John, you hit it on the head. I don't know Ann it feels like there's something else here no I liked what you said John you hit it on the head I don't owe an explanation I just hey these are the boundaries yeah this is what I'm choosing to

live by I don't have to explain why it's different for some people or why relationships end up different ways no but, but I also I don't want you to just move from one situation to another either. I don't want you to draw a boundary with one guy that you've had a good relationship

with and then all of a sudden you start hiking with these other dudes all the time and then suddenly they get an idea like, oh, she's kind of into us too. She calls and wants to hang out a lot now. And that turns into and your boyfriend's in like, dude, okay, well, can you not do that too? I have been looking for lots of friends. It's been a work in progress. There you go. That's probably fair. The whole, I would, some people have blanket rules i i'm dating somebody or i'm married to somebody so i will not have friends of the opposite gender i think that's very very hard to do in the modern world

i also have seen people be very flippant with that and find themselves in a world of trouble. I would never cheat on so-and-so. Yeah, but they would. Now we got a mess, right? And sometimes somebody comes into a relationship and y'all are dating and it's all good. But from the outside, it just kind of doesn't feel right. It looks weird. It's like, hey, you're always going out and having chips and queso. You're always going out and hanging out.

You're always going out and having a drink. It just makes me feel uncomfortable. And if we're going to date, I want it just to be us that goes out and does one-on-ones. Cool. All right. I'll end that. But I'm going to go hiking with these guys. I'm going to go do this with these guys.

And I'm going to go do that with those guys. Well, the whole thing just gets murky. I would challenge you and your current boyfriend to sit down and say, what are our values? Who are we going to be? Besides just this guy, what are, what are our values? Who are we going to be? Besides just this guy, what are things that make you uncomfortable? What are things that make you uncomfortable? I would not head off to

the woods to go hiking with just like three other women while my wife was like, alright, you guys have fun? I just wouldn't do that. That whole thing would not be great. And fun. I just wouldn't do that. That whole thing would not be great. And it's not weird for Kelly and I to go have a meeting downstairs in the cafeteria

while she drinks her straight bourbon and I have coffee in the middle of the workday while she's getting tattooed. None of those things are true. So there's a balance here and everybody listening is going to have an opinion and a thought like Oh my gosh. I think it's just coming up with your own values.

The one thing I get nervous about is an overly zealous, overbearing partner who begins to control your time, who you see, where you go, what you think is funny. I get nervous about that. But not my relationship. Just set your boundaries and set your values firm. And, um, y'all go from there. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by better help. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings.

We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself

and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere

so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we're back as we wrap up today's show. Man, today's show is full of, what was it? Just, was it me? It just felt like weird relationship stuff going on.

This was a weird one today. There was some ick. There was a lot of ick today. Hmm. Just a lot of ick. There was a lot of ick today. Hmm. Just a lot of ick. Just a lot of things that aren't. It wasn't a lot of answers. There's more there. Yeah, there's a lot of things.

It felt like a lot of like, well, we should probably spend an hour together. I need to see you in person. Yes. Yeah. And just like not clear answers. Let me see your phone. Ambiguity. Ooh.

That's how fancy people say ick. Well done. Song is by the great and powerful Pink. It's called Just Give Me a Reason. Right from the start, you were a thief. You stole my heart and I, your willing victim. I let you see the parts of me that weren't all that pretty. And with every touch, you fix them.

Now you've been talking in your sleep. Things you never say to me. Tell me that you've had enough of our love. Our love. I haven't had enough of you, America. I'll see you soon. Bye.