The Dr. John Delony Show - Should I Call Off My Wedding?

Episode Date: April 21, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A woman struggling with her fiancé’s unwillingness to find work - How to break a sugar addiction from Sal Di Stefano - A man desperate to gain control over his sugar addiction. Lyrics of the Day: "Sugar, Sugar" - The Archies Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I feel often that I do have a sugar addiction, but I don't even know if that's real, man. The approach that we tend to have towards diet in general is terrible. I think the fail rate last time I checked was north of 85%. And this is like within the first couple of years. And I bet you it's closer to 95% if you stretch it out. Hey, what's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

Show about your marriage, show about your kids, show about dating, whatever's going on in your life. Show about school, about your mental health, whatever's going on in your life. I'm John Deloney here and I am dedicated to sitting with you, figuring out what comes next, walking alongside you. If that works out better for you. Some people like sitting, some people like walking,

whatever it works out. But I'm here for you. If you want to be on this show, shoot me an email at johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K and um let me know what's going on your life and it will go to jenna and she will make the call or may go to kelly it's been kind of mood kelly's in maybe maybe jenna and then we'll decide she'll make some choices build a great show and have you on be amazing um before i head to the first call today we're recording

this show um it's been a tragic shooting at a small elementary school here in town and so um been on the phone all morning and it's an absolute just it's just it's it's it's um heartbreaking all over again and again and again and again. And I hope that the words never get trite, that we're praying for those families that are forever devastated. They will never not be devastated. For the first responders that showed up and the things that they saw and the things they experienced and the lives they tried to save the little bitty,

little bitty lives and the grownup lives and everybody, just the whole thing, whole thing, my heart's broken and, um, hope you'll join me, um, praying for those families.

And at some point we got to address the madness. You just got to address the madness across the board. Whew. All right, let's go out to, uh, Heather in Reno. Heather, what's going on? So my question is, am I wrong for wanting to end my engagement because my fiance doesn't want to get a job and also wants me to move in to his great uncle's house with him after getting married?

No. End it. This is the easiest call of my entire show ever. Yes. Why are you even asking the question? I don't know. I just thought maybe there was something else I could be doing so that we could move forward. He doesn't want to move forward with you.

Okay. Right? i guess so yeah have you told him i'm not going to marry you unless you have a job or i'm not going to marry you if your plan for housing is that we move in with my uncle yeah i did give him in february i In February, I gave him the boundary that if by the end of March, he didn't have a job or start therapy, that I didn't really think I could see myself continuing the relationship. So I want to flip around. It's more of an ultimatum than a boundary, but I want to flip your ultimatum around. Good for you. You drew a line in the sand and said said this is where me and my values stop and he chose to not marry you

i don't want you wearing around i don't want you being a martyr here like i had to end this thing because i i you were strong and brave and very clear. Here is my standards for somebody that I'm going to hitch my wagon to, and someone who's going to hitch their wagon to me, and that we're going to do life together forever. Come hell or high water, here's my line. And he said, I don't want that. I'm out.

Yeah. Just to go back, to give more detail into this, um, his uncle did start having some health problems in the middle of February. Um, and so he felt responsibility to take care of him. And so I tried being supportive and understanding, like I did really want to support him and his family through this hard time, but I just didn't really feel like a priority. And so I'm kind of like, I feel selfish because I'm like? I almost feel like I'm making him choose between me and his family. Why won't he get a job? Because he says that he needs to take care of his uncle.

How does he have money for food? His uncle helps provide financially. That was another reason why he wanted us to live with his uncle because we wouldn't have to be we wouldn't have the financial burden of rent.

Why do you think so little about what you want and so little about what you need i don't know i want to say because i love him and i do want i do see a future with him but he doesn't see one with you yeah because here's what i think i think that before this happened in february i think he didn't work either yeah and i think before this happened in february he was kind of a freeloader anyway and before this happened in february you were already thinking i I can't just, I love you. We've had some great fun times together, but I can't commit myself for the rest of my life

to somebody who has so little drive, so little desire to hear what I need and to help meet my needs. I think you know that going in. I don't think you're selfish yeah this would be totally different if he was going to law school or he's in year three of a computer science degree or he's already working as a as a as a like a plumbing apprentice and he was making some money and he had plans for getting a good job and whatever and then all of a sudden a bomb dropped in his family and he had to stop what he was doing to go care for somebody that's noble that's incredible and that happens a lot and i have

a feeling that if that were the case you'd be all in yeah am i is that is that right yeah yeah definitely i would be like yes i will support you like i'm here for you so has he always since you've known him been a fun whatever guy blah blah blah he's so cute all that stuff but he's also been kind of lazy yeah I would I don't know if I would say lazy but I do see a lack of drive in him and that was hard to um hard to swallow because I like I really really like have i have goals and i want to grow and change and um sometimes it just felt like he was really okay with being in the same exact spot in his life how old are you 25 i'm sorry that your heart's broken. Yeah. I'm sorry. I don't really know what else I can do other than... I'm going to tell you. Nothing.

Zero things. Okay. There's nothing. There's not a conversation you haven't magically said. There's not a thing you haven't like, oh if i just wear that not nothing yeah you've heard me say this a million times behavior is a language and so yeah he may not be saying it but what he's saying with through the way his actions are is i'm gonna take the easiest road out for me at any given moment and right as you told him here's your ultimatum uncle got sick and he's like oh that'll solve all of our problems yeah and you can see the

short-term thinking this will just get us this will cover our rent and this will cover our food yeah there's nothing about what is career going to look like what is 10 years from now what is our family situation going to look like where would kids live i mean none of that it's very short-term very egocentric very childish thinking okay right yeah and i'm heartbroken for you because i know you i know you love this kid yeah and you wish he was the guy that would be your guy and i'm hearing you say he's not yeah and i guess the one shining light in the dark here is that you're not married and you don't have two kids and you're just now coming to this realization yeah yeah i just it got to the point where i felt like i was going into the marriage

knowing it was going to end in divorce and i just didn't i i can't tell you how proud of you i am most people don't have the courage to as i say all the time turn the lights on turn the music off and say, what are we doing? Stop the party. Somebody stop the train because I'm getting off. I just got to stop for a second. And that's not to say that two years from now that he doesn't call you and be like, hey, man, I was immature little brat. And here I am now.

I'm doing this and this and this and he can take you for, can I take you for coffee? That kind of thing, right? That's how the movie would end, right? That's not saying that's not going to happen. What I'm saying here is I stand behind you 100%, Heather.

What you know deep in your bones, what you know through experience, what you know that you want, when you look out and say, this is the kind of relationship I want to have, this is the kind of marriage I want to have, this is the kind of life I want to have, you know you've got a very clear lane, a clear picture of what that looks like. What you're telling me is he's not it. You're going to spend a season in heartbreak and a season in grief and a season in sadness, and that's okay. That's right.

But don't compromise your values and don't compromise who you are and don't compromise who you want to become and who you're becoming just because it's uncomfortable and hard right now. I'm proud of you for sticking to your guns. If I can ever help, holler at me. Thank you so much for the call. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes.

And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck

hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties,

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It's time for everybody's favorite segment, Facts or Your Friends. Let's do it. I told you, man. All right. So one of the most common questions I get, we get lots of questions about sex and intimacy. You get lots of questions about mental health.

And over the last year or two, one of the most common questions I get is about weight loss and all of the drama that surrounds weight loss, whether it's Instagram nonsense or just outdated stuff or your mom drank tab and watched VHS tapes when you were a kid and you've just picked up some of those habits, whatever is going on. So here's the thing. I don't have expertise here um and so i invited my friend sal de stefano from mind pump he's he's the are you the leader of the gang sal no no we're all we're all equal partners that's what hey you know who says that the don the true leader says that

that that way in case it all goes down everybody everybody gets shot, not just the leader. I invited my friend Sal on just to ask a question that is coming up later on in the show. And I just wanted his expertise. Sal has been a personal trainer, has been a trainer of trainers, and is now one of the very few voices I trust out in the world talking about fitness and nutrition. Sal, thank you so much. the very few voices I trust out in the world talking about fitness and nutrition. Sal, thank you so much. This is a last-minute call, and you're helping me out today, and you're especially helping out our listeners. Thank you so much for joining me, man.

John, thanks for having me on. You know we absolutely love what you do out there. When we met you, you're about as genuine as they come. So, of course, I jumped to the opportunity to be able to help you out or hop on here. I appreciate it. All right, so here's the question that I've got coming in on my show. So when you and I get off the phone, this person's going to, going to call in and this is their question that they typed up and sent to us. Um, it's from Jay in Michigan says I'm addicted to sugar and I'm making poor choices with food. I'm afraid if I don't get it under control, I'm going to die early or end up on that show,

My 600-lb Life. How can I get a gauge on this and change my life? So the first question I want to ask you, Sal, is what's the truth or drama around sugar addiction? I talk about it all the time, like I'm some kind of heroin addict. And I feel often that I do have a sugar addiction, but I don't even know if that like I'm some kind of heroin addict. And I feel often that I do have a sugar addiction, but I don't even know if that's real, man. So you have

any wisdom there? Yeah. I mean, technically you can develop an addictive relationship with almost anything. Now I know the way that they try to explain or describe addictive substances is through the physiological responses, things like dopamine and serotonin. And, but I mean, you can develop a dysfunctional relationship that would mirror what we would consider classic addiction with almost anything. And food is definitely up there. And I think foods that are hyper palatable or bring us comfort or help numb us, or maybe we have some other,

I don't know, connection to a particular type of food are probably the ones that are most, most likely for us to develop these behaviors with. But, you know, one of the hallmarks of addiction is that you, it is dramatically decreasing the quality of your life and you continue to do it anyway. Now, in that category, I mean, I think a lot of people, a good chunk of us have some type of a dysfunctional relationship with food. This is why obesity is such such a common thing. And, you know, soon here, I think it'll be a majority of Americans. Yeah. So it's it's it's a real thing.

It's really challenging. Um, but the approach that we tend to have towards diet in general is, is terrible. It fails. It's, I think the fail rate last time I checked was North of 85%. And this is like within the first couple of years. And I bet you it's closer to 95% if you stretch it out, uh, far enough. So it's the approach. The approach is all wrong. We focus on the physiological, we focus on the weight loss. And I know those are all things that people are looking for, but it goes much deeper than that. So the joke that's not really a joke is I've always said getting off of sugar, stopping sugar cravings, or just not grabbing candy all the

time is is challenging because nobody i'll say nobody most work environments don't have you know joints and cocaine laid out next to the coffee in the morning like they do donuts and gummy bears and so it's pervasive it's everywhere right um right? There's that, but there's also, like you mentioned, this approach. And so that's my second question here is somebody calls and says, I can't stop. My tough love approach is to look somebody in the eye and put my hands on their shoulders and say, yes, you can. But I think that that's just a derivative of the meta narrative, which is if you're overweight, it's because you're lazy and you're a bum and you just don't want it bad enough. There's got to be another way to communicate love and connectivity. And here's what health looks like. What's the path, man? Yeah, it's 100% true. It'd be like looking at, you know,

talking to somebody who struggles with their finances and just saying, well, just make more money and save more money. It's like, well, yeah, duh. I guess the steps can seem simple, but how we get to those steps and how we're able to maintain those steps is very complicated. So I'll start with this. We typically, modern societies, we don't eat because we're hungry. Most people have never really even felt what true hunger feels like. Most people never go a day without food. So the relationships that we build around food are based off of lots of other things. Stress, anxiety, connecting with people, celebrating, boredom, just hedonistic pleasure. So these are the types of relationships that we build around food. So just to simply say to yourself, don't eat that, eat this, that might work for very robotic type fanatical individuals who end up working in the fitness industry. That doesn't work. That doesn't work for most people.

So you have to, and this is going to sound a bit esoteric and out there, but I can give people steps to kind of get to this place, but you have to understand why you're eating the way you're eating. What does that food make you feel? How can we get that feeling otherwise? And also what is motivating you. And if what's motivating you is, I'm gross, I'm fat, I don't look good, anything negative along those lines, it's not going to stick. It's just not going to stick because if you're doing this

because you're gross, fat, unattractive, inadequate, then not eating food is going to feel restrictive or not eating the foods that you enjoy or whatever that relationship is with eating food is going to feel restrictive or not eating the foods that you enjoy or whatever that relationship is with that food is going to feel restrictive. And then along those lines, exercise is going to feel like a punishment, right? You have to go about it by understanding that the reason why you're going to choose to eat the way that you're now going to eat is because you're caring for yourself. Okay. Now I say you're doing this because you love yourself. But the reason why I said care is because when I say

love, people think it's a, it's the feeling of love, like this warm, fuzzy feeling. Um, but no, I mean the action, right? Like I have kids, John and, uh, look, sometimes I don't get that warm, fuzzy feeling for them. Teenage kids, dude. Sometimes I don't get that warm, fuzzy feeling for them. Teenage kids, sometimes I don't feel that feeling. Sometimes I'm like, man, you're pushing it, buddy. But I choose to love them through action. So if you say to yourself, I'm going to care for myself like somebody I care about, what does that look like? And start there. Then eating right, it doesn't feel restrictive. It's self-care. And that's a much more balanced long-term approach. And it doesn't result or it typically doesn't result in the rebellion that we tend to see when people do it from a place of self-hate.

Because when people do it from a place of self-hate, what happens when they go off a diet, right? They don't just eat one cookie or one slice of pizza. They eat the whole box or they eat a whole pizza until they're uncomfortable. They rebel. They're rebelling from the self-hate, right? So it's got to come from a place of self-care. That's number one. If you don't do that, nothing else I'm going to say is going to make sense.

No diet's going to work for you. No structured anything's going to work for you. You got to go from a point of self-care. Now, if you start there, then we can talk about the steps and what that looks like and how we can develop the skills that go along with that, what those skills look like, because they are skills. You do have to develop them. You do have to learn how to live in this society where there's all kinds of amazing, incredible foods that we're surrounded by that are super easy to get to and inexpensive. But you got to start from the place of self-care. That's incredible, man.

Gosh, that's a tough. I'm just thinking here mechanistically. That's a tough message today. Because everybody's at war with themselves. I know very few people who are truly happy with what they see in the mirror. And even more so, I know a few people who are truly happy with their lot in life. You and I were just joking before we got on here, like that you and I,

like we like, we like our lives, right? I didn't understand. And I liked my life when I was at other jobs before I took this, I didn't realize how rare that was. And so, but the actual going to the gym,

the actual being mindful of what you're putting in your body, those actions are the same. So what you're saying is we just got to burn a different kind of fuel. I always tell folks, man, if you are trying to change your mental health, just trying to stop drinking because you're going to show them you got about six months on that one, right? That's just jet fuel and it burns out real fast. And so what you're saying is, no, we may end up doing a lot of the same stuff,

but you got to have a different fuel that you're burning. It's got to be because you're saying is no we may end up doing a lot of the same stuff but you gotta have a different fuel that you're burning it's got to be because you're worth it yes and you gotta look i i totally understand i have all the compassion and empathy in the world for this challenge because first off uh the reason why this is so hard john is because who knows you better than you, right? I know all my terrible thoughts. I know all the bad things I do or want to do. I know all my imperfections. Like how could I possibly love myself? Like I love my kids, right? Like I know how all these bad tendencies that I have, you know, you very well, but that's, again, it's not the feeling it's the, it's the, can I, let me take care of myself. And it's also not necessarily looking in the mirror and being happy with what you see.

You don't have to lie to yourself. This isn't like, you know, if I can look in the mirror and I can say to myself, man, I really haven't taken care of myself like somebody that deserves to be cared for. And I can tell, I can tell I haven't taken care of myself, but that deserves to be cared for. And I can tell. I can tell I haven't taken care of myself. But I deserve to be cared for. So I'm going to try doing that now. That's really all it is.

I like that. I deserve to be cared for. And it's that care starts with me. I can't outsource that. I've got to decide I'm worthy of care. So where do you tell somebody who's, like, when I'm just looking across the buffet of choices here, does somebody start with a counselor? Does somebody start with a medical doctor?

Does somebody start with a personal trainer? Like where do you start? If you were to hire, if you were in this situation and you were to hire a professional, in my experience, the best success I ever had was when, because I was a trainer. Okay. So I knew exercise and I knew nutrition from a calorie, macro nutrient, micronutrient, you know, performance. And then later on, I got better at understanding things like food intolerances and that kind of stuff. So if I had a client who hired me and also worked with a therapist and the therapist and I could work together. The success

rate was astronomical, astronomical. I love it. And because I'm not a therapist, so I can talk about exercise. I could talk about diet, but the therapist is an expert and the other things that we need to work on. And then we would talk together and we would work with this person together to develop some of the strategies that would help. And one thing I'll tell you, John, just give an example. One thing I learned from a therapist, this is a psychology thing. People don't like to take things away or feel restricted, but they don't mind adding things. They don't mind adding things. So I'll give you an example. I could say to somebody, I don't want you to take anything out of your diet right now.

I just want you to try to hit these protein targets and I'd give them a goal. Okay. I want you to eat 120 grams of protein a day. Don't cut anything else out of your diet. But when you eat your meals, make sure you eat the protein first and then you can eat everything else. Now, why does that work? Because, and the science will 100% support this.

The data is very clear. Protein produces tremendous satiety. So when they would hit those protein targets, they would almost always eat less calories, but I didn't tell them to eat less calories. I just told them to eat protein. So, uh, you know, this is just one, this is one thing I learned from working with a therapist uh or working with therapists on how to make this a much more effective strategy because the look we can't we can't separate the physio the physiological from the psychological they're both they're both closely connected amen dude yeah yeah and what we try to focus on what we focus on too much with diet and exercise and all that stuff is the physiological. What's the best diet?

What produces the best fat loss, muscle gain, insulin response, this, that, and the other. Meanwhile, every diet, John, every diet has a fail rate that's north of 85%. I don't care what it is. So we're not messing up with the physiological aspect. It's the other part. Every time I talk to you, I walk away with something new that i just

put my back pocket that's huge right there that that at some point we have to realize it's not the math problem it's busted it's the way we're approaching the problem um man 100 100 and and food is a hard one uh you you know you mentioned something that was hard about it in that it's, it's, we have to eat it. It's widely accepted to eat in lots of different ways. And we don't learn to eat. We don't learn the skills that help us lead a healthy life in modern society. We just don't. We, what ended up happening is in a very short period of time within generations, John, we went from food is scarce and hard to come by to there's so much food and so much variety and so many choices that it's crazy. So we have the, the, we learned the skills to, to, to survive. It's like my, my parents and my grandparents, right? Where they, you better finish all your meal, you know, your food or whatever like that, that right there was mostly human history. Now it's like food is everywhere. We just don't, we haven't learned

these. So we grew up without any of these skills. Like how do we navigate a life or in a world where there's so much delicious, tasty, convenient, incredible, cheap food if we don't have the skills to to navigate it so it's it's no wonder well i love what you that word is is magic and it's it's been magic with married couples and with parents um who you know can't stop yelling at their kid or they think they can't stop yelling at their kids or they snap at their loved ones when you reframe it from hey you're not a terrible human being with no character. You need some new skills. There's something magic about that, that it unhooks all of this extra psychological baggage that we have. And it's like, oh, cool. Okay. I can learn

to shoot a free throw if given enough time. I can learn then these new set of skills. I love that reframe. Hey, I'm going to let you go, dude. You are a saint like always. Thank you for, um, this is a last second Hail Mary and you caught the ball. So I'm grateful for you. And like always, I'm really grateful for your wisdom and just the practical care with which you take care of human beings who come to you and say, Hey, please help, especially on a touchy subject like this. Thank you so much, man. I appreciate it. I appreciate it, John. You're a special person. I appreciate you having me on. So thank you. All right. Take care, good man. Appreciate it. Take it easy. All right, good folks. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show.

All right, we are back, and let's go out to Jay in Rochester Hills, Michigan. What's up, Jay? Dr. John Deloney, what's going on, man? Dude, we are rocking onto the break of dawn, my man. How are you? I am doing great, man. Thank you so much for taking the time to take my call. You got it. Yeah, man.

Before we get started, I want to say that I 100% agree with you. This is the best mental health podcast on the planet that's what i'm talking about jay thank you so so much um i mean that's like your good deed for the year you're good man you can just kind of be a reckless jerk from here on out you've done your good deed thank you so much man no problem brother no problem all right so hey um in, it almost never happens. I got the entirety of your email this time. Jenna sent it to me, and I actually reached out to one of the two or three experts that I trust more than anybody in the country on this particular topic, on this particular issue to make sure I was dialed in and I was going to be able to help you. And so, man, I can't wait to jump into this stuff. Yeah, I'm very excited.

It's something I've been struggling with for a while, so I feel like you are the best to give me some insight on this topic. Well, I don't know if I'm the best, but I'll do my absolute best to tell you what I do and don't know. And it's an honor to pull up a seat at the table and hear your story. So tell me what's going on. Yeah, man. So I feel like I am a very disciplined person, but I have a real bad struggle and addiction to sugar.

And I feel like it is my coping mechanism after a bad day. I feel like I could do, I can go two to three weeks without having it. And all of a sudden, if I have a bad day at work or a few bad days at at work i end up having three large milkshakes that week and it's like a never-ending cycle and i really just struggle with it and i want to kick that habit and i already work out you know i work out five to seven days a week and, um, I actually use, you're a big fan of this guy. I'm a huge fan of this guy of Dr. Lane Norton. I use carbon. I track everything, but it's like something comes over me where the sugar dopamine kicks in and I just have to have it and I'll do whatever it takes to get sugar. So you are a, uh, yeah, Lane is incredible. Um, uh, brilliant guy. And, um,

man, I can't, I kind of want to look around to make sure this isn't, I'm not in a weird dream and I'm calling myself on my own show. Right. Um, right. So why do you work out? I work out, well, I'm 29 now, so I'll be 30 next year. So lately I've been working out to keep myself healthy, but before then I've always just loved working out. I love the stress reliever that it brings. When did you start working out? Oh, I would say I've been working out since I was a young kid, young teenager.

So right when I play sports, you know. You wrote something here on your email that... I say, raise the flag for me. Okay, I'll use that. You wrote here, I'm afraid if I don't get my poor choices with food under control, I'm going to die early or end up on my 600-lb Life, that show? Tell me I'm wrong.

That sounds like somebody who is looking in the mirror and is not happy with who they see. I would say that's a fair statement. So let's move the food stuff down. On a scale of one to 10, what is the shame intensity after that third milkshake? Oh, man. I would say 10 for sure. Like go in a hole and don't come out. And words like you are sick. You're disgusting.

That's ridiculous. Am I onto it? Yeah. You're onto it. Like what's wrong with you, bro? Why would you do this? That's horrible. You know, better than that. Whose voice is that Jay? That's not yours. Whose voice is that? Uh, Whose voice is that, Jay? That's not yours. Whose voice is that? The standards I've put on myself, maybe? Nah, dude. Somebody told you that your value was not innate. Yeah.

Who said you better dance, you better perform for me, or your value maybe I dealt with a great deal of trauma being raised by a single mother that I think and thought that I had to become a people pleaser to make everyone and everything around me happy. And so when things didn't go that way, I feel like I would put myself in a bad position and stress myself out. If that makes sense. Well, yeah, because one person gets hurt in the presence of a rock star people pleaser. That's the people pleaser. Because you got to sacrifice yourself to make sure everybody else is okay. And if you grew up in a house, a traumatic house,

you grew up in a house that was a mess, it was chaotic, single mom, it was just tough. It's very common that people exit that situation by controlling every possible variable. I will control every perception somebody has of me, every word that comes out of my mouth, my posture, how clean my clothes are, the precision of my workouts,

the amount to the T, the calories that go in my body. Is that you? That's me okay and at some point that grip you have

your body gets exhausted because you can't hold it all right and then we're off to the races we're off in the drive-thrus exactly yeah man you're you're talking to me reaching to the choir for sure so um guys have become good good buddies of mine um there's basically two people i trust when it comes to fitness and nutrition. It's Lane, Dr. Norton, and Sal and Adam and Justin with the Mind Pump guys.

And so when you hear this episode entirely, what you'll hear is beforehand, before this call, I was on the phone with Sal and I actually read him your email. And I said, hey, man, Sal's an expert. He's been a personal trainer for years. And then he started training trainers and he got so fed up with the nonsense in the fitness and nutrition industry they started their own show and they're incredible they just are doing great work and one thing that um I'll never forget he told me in person when we were hanging out in San Jose and that he just reiterated um on the call before this one is most people go to the gym because they hate themselves. They think they're

disgusting and they're trying to go into the gym as a punishment for being disgusting. For being lazy. And what he said was outside of a few people on Instagram that has a fail rate of 80 to 90% over the long haul.

Same with restrictive dieting. Pick a diet. I'm going full this, full that, keto this, full protein this, whatever. Fail rate, fail rate, fail rate, because the root is, I hate you and you're gross. And I am going to beat you into submission. And all of us, when we're beaten long enough, we revolt. Right. Right. Or when life gets really stressful, our hitting ourselves and hating ourselves doesn't keep the stress away. And so it's not a prophylactic for stress.

It's still going to show up. And so we don't have another alternative. So what do we do? We go grab gummy beers and more ice cream. And then that shame spiral starts, dude. And we recommit to our apps the next day and we start the whole loop over again. Yes.

It's kind of like a never-ending cycle, right? Yes. So, I'm just meeting you. I can tell in five minutes talking to you, like you and I would hang out. I like you. Yeah.

And you have one path forward. did your dad go he wasn't there he went to Tennessee with another woman when did he go I was six six years old I'm guessing there's a six year old that sits inside your chest wondering what the hell was so bad about Jay that dad wouldn't stick around and I imagine there's a 14 year old boy that sits inside of Jay's chest that says I'll show him

I'll show you all right there's a 22 and a 25 year old Jay who's getting really exhausted how old are you now? I am 29 are you running out of gas?

running out of gas man that's why I'm on the phone with you I got on the hotline and called dr john tank almost on east jay's worth being loved man yeah and that jar that you've got sealed shut inside that chest you got to open it and if you're like me you got to do it with a therapist counselor it's hard stuff there because it feels like if i open this thing you don't want to know the dragons that come out and what i'll tell you is something you already know is that the dragons are out

you think you got them under control but you don't the only path forward for any of us, man, including me, including you, is just what my friend Sal says. I have to go to the gym with a smile on my face because I'm choosing to care for a guy that's worth being loved. I like that. I'm going to be a guy who's a good steward of his body,

and I'm not going to eat that, not because it's not freaking delicious. I'm going to do it because I love this guy enough that I want him to feel good in an hour or two when his blood sugar crashes through the floor. So I'm good, guys. Thank you all so much. And do you see the difference between that approach, how light that is, and what a gentle touch that is moving through the world,

and how different it is than, I don't eat carbs, I don't eat carbs, I don't eat carbs. And then you were just huddled under a blanket, eating a bag of chips, watching a movie on a Saturday night all by yourself. I mean, you see the difference? Yeah, absolutely. But I really do. So to piggyback off of that,

can I ask you a question, if you don't mind? Bring it. So I love that thought and ideology. How do I make it practical on a day-to-day basis? Three things, okay? You have to choose. Man, God, I hate this. I would do anything.

I will give two signed books of your choice to anybody who calls in if they will come up with a better word for what I'm about to say. The word here, Jay, is mindfulness. And I hate the word. It sounds like some dude with a beard on a cloud, you know, like in a kind of a dressy thing. Here's what it is. When you start to reach for

whatever it is you're going to reach for, being able to extend that gap between what I feel like I need to do and the thing I'm about to do. I need some gummy bears right now. I need to go grab, get a milkshake. I am getting that pizza out. Can you pause long enough to ask yourself,

what am I covering up here? What is this going to do for me? And what we're doing here, and it's the word I use when I'm talking to couples and to parents and to folks working on working through ADHD or their OCD or whatever. And it's the same word Sal uses when he's talking to people about their eating and exercise habits. It's simply learning a new set of skills. You're not a piece of trash, Jay. You're not some kind of undisciplined loser. You showed up to a basketball game,

man, you never dribbled a basketball before. These are new skills. I got to learn new skills. I have one skill for dealing with stress and it's junk food. Cool, I'm going to learn some new skills. That means when I get stressed and I dealing with stress and it's junk food. Cool. I'm going to learn some new skills. That means when I get stressed and I'm about to grab it, I got to catch myself and then

go, huh, what's another thing I could do that would make me feel good in this moment? And we're going to practice it. For some people, it might be doing 50 jumping jacks, sprinting down the street, grabbing a Diet Coke. It could be any number of things. It's going to be different for everybody, but we're going to practice it. It's a new set of skills. I like that. There's a Dr. Judd Brewer. I think he's at a Yale has an app that's for anxiety and for stopping smoking. And he is crushing all the traditional methods to stop

smoking with an app. all it is is he just wants you to be very mindful when you're smoking how do you feel right before you smoke and right afterwards right and it's disgusting it's your hands stink your clothes stink right feels good for a second the buzz is fine and then it's he said people just quit because they're thoughtful about it and so it's thinking about how am i going to feel in an hour after I just nailed this mint chocolate chip ice cream? I'm going to feel ashamed. I'm going to feel gross. I'm going to feel lethargic.

I'm not going to, right? All those things. I'm just going to be mindful of it. The second thing is, is at some point, you're going to have to get a counselor and sit down and talk about your childhood. Sit down and talk about your adulthood, and make some plans for who I'm going to be in the back half of my life. All right.

Have you ever done that? I have not, but I am totally open to it. My whole thing is as long as the outcome is growth and peace, I'm all for it. You're going to have to learn what peace feels like because right now peace feels like stress for you. Peace is a fairy tale for Jay.

When you're peaceful, I'd be willing to bet money that you create chaos in your life. Yeah. Is that true? Yeah feels um normal it feels home so for some people the the challenge is you've got to go move your body you got to go exercise you got to go walk you got to go be with friends for you it's going to be the opposite you're going to have to learn peace you're going to have to be the opposite. You're going to have to learn peace. You're going to have to learn Sabbath. You're going to have to learn rest. My friend Ian Simpkins says, if busyness is your drug, rest will feel like stress. That's you.

That's you taking every variable, every variable, and just letting your hands off the wheel. And you're going to find out that the car doesn't crash. It's amazing. And here's the third thing you got to do. You got to find one or two other grown men in your area and tell them what you're going through. All of it. Okay.

And that's probably the scariest thing of all. I can do it. Can you? Promise? Promise man Alright here's my Here is my Wager with you okay Yeah let's do it I want you to go to the Mind Pump website

All their workouts Their MAPS program They're the ones I work out with at my house. I think they're some of the best in the country. You pick anyone you want and you email Jenna back and I'll give

it to you for free. You like how I did that? They're actually giving it to me and then I'll give it to you for free, but I like taking credit for it. If anyone that you want, that's number one. Number two, I'm going to give you anything you want out of

my store. Questions for humans, books, whatever that is. If you call me back in three months and let me know how your counseling session's going, how your new approach to my friend Jay is going, the mindfulness, and how your search for some grown men friends is going.

All right. Is that fair? That's fair. Before you go to bed tonight, I want you to write six-year-old Jay a letter. Okay. And I want you to let six-year-old Jay a letter. Okay. And I want you to let six-year-old Jay know, hey, I see you, buddy. Come here.

Dad left because something was wrong with him, not you. Dad missed out on the greatest gift that any man can get, and that's holding their baby to be able to walk alongside that mess of a little girl or little boy for the duration of their life. Okay.

And tomorrow, I want you to write 14-year-old Jay a note. It says, dear 14-year-old Jay, I'm 29 now. You can stop fighting. Stop running running Stop fighting I got this bro You're a freshman in high school Go play

And I want you to physically feel Inside your chest 14 year old Jay Leave your body He's off to play. He's been fighting your fights for a long time. This is Jay choosing freedom. And then with your therapist, you're going to write a letter to 29-year-old Jay,

the one that looks at you in the mirror every morning. You're going to let that Jay know, hey, man, you've had a rough go of it, and you're still here. You're stronger than most and braver than most and more disciplined than most. You've been through hell and back and through hell and back again and you still stand. And now we're going to be a good steward of our body because we get to because we care for ourselves so much we love ourselves so much not because we have to not because we're fat because we hate ourselves because we get to and now we're talking about long-term life change of course we're going to use a carbon app of

course we're going to use the workout programs of, we're going to use a carbon app. Of course, we're going to use a workout program. Of course, we're going to do those things. But we're going to do them out of care and love, not out of hate. And you're worth being loved, Jay. You're good, man. The world is better because you are in it. All this turns around when you believe that too, my brother. We'll be right back.

Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings

and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Thank y'all for joining us today Do check out the Mind Pump guys Go to mindpump.com M-I-N-D-P-U-M-P Those guys are amazing And listen

Got no financial stake in anything they do They just are the best of the best And they're great human beings behind closed doors They're guys with integrity Good folks And I love shouting out folks That I don't have any stake in their financial success. I'm not making any, not a penny off their programs.

They're the best of the best of the best. And I love putting that stuff out there. Also check out Lane Norton's Carbon app. Check out all the protein shakes he uses. Again, I don't make a dime off of them. Outwork Nutrition, it's just the best stuff there is. It's so, so good. Make sure you check it out.

Today's song of the day is from the Archies. I don't know the Archies. You may not know them, but come on, you know the song, right? Read the lyrics. You'll know it. I'm getting harassed multi-generationally. So here's the song I think I should know. It's by the Archies. It's called Sugar Sugar.

Sugar, ah, honey, honey, you are my candy girl, and you've got me wanting you. Honey, ah, sugar, sugar, you're my candy girl and you've got me wanting you. I've never heard this song in my life. I just can't believe the loveliness of loving you. I just can't believe it's true. Ah, sugar, oh, honey, honey, you're my candy girl. They're not big on changing the lyrics. They just like saying the same things over and over again, kind of like a modern worship song. When I kissed you, girl, i knew how sweet a kiss could be

like the summer sunshine pour your sweetness over me oh honey honey you're my candy girl it's a strange world we live in i love you guys stay in school don't do drugs