The Dr. John Delony Show - Should I Compromise My Values for My Girlfriend?

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

On today’s show, we talk with a man wondering if his relationship can work after learning his values and his girlfriend’s values don’t align. Then, we talk with a high school coach struggling to build trust within her team, and we hear from a woman concerned for her husband after he witnessed a shocking, cold-blooded murder. Lyrics of the Day: "In The Meantime" - Spacehog Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. There was an active shooter situation. He actually got the group around him out of the emergency exit and then went back into the building and went to help whoever got shot. But unfortunately, the person who got shot was dead. What a heroic husband you have, right? No, he's amazing. You say he's just a friend.

You say, oh, baby, you! Dude, shout out, Biz Marquis. That's who that is, right? Yes, it is. May he rest in peace. All day, Kelly. Thanks for that.

Hey, this is the Dr. John Deloney Show. We are, this is a show about singing and about great songsmanship. Actually, it's not at all. It's the best mental health and marriage and parenting and family and whatever else is going on podcast ever.

And I'm glad that you've joined us. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291. There'll be a singing audition where you actually will sing into the recorder for Jenner Kelly and not really. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask and we will get it going on.

Let's do it. Let's go to how does that song go? In Baton Rouge. Colin Baton Rouge. I'm not going to sing. The Garth Brooks song? Yeah, it's called Colin Baton Rouge. But I'm not going to sing it.

I love that song. That will turn all of our listeners away. Then it will be one of the worst podcasts in the history of podcasts. All right, let's go to Matt in Baton Rouge. What's up, dude? Hey, how's it going, Dr. John? It's great to actually talk to you.

It's great to talk to you You've never heard the Do y'all just walk around in Baton Rouge Singing the Baton Rouge song all the time? I have no idea I am a metal guy Straight up I'm not a country guy whatsoever

Listen, I wasn't either I'm with you But then someone showed me Garth Brooks And he was my gateway drug And so, hey Go showed me Garth Brooks, and he was my gateway drug. And so, hey, go get a Garth Brooks record, or maybe because you were born in the 21st century, just pull up Spotify and check it out. All right, hey, so what's up, man? I feel is a sort of conflict or misalignment in personal values between myself and my girlfriend. It's causing quite a bit of tension in our relationship,

and I would like for it to not be the end of our relationship, but I'm having trouble seeing any kind of solution that doesn't result in either us breaking up or resentment for one toward the other, either way, somewhere further down the road. So it's either about sex or money. Which one is it? It's not. I guess it's almost tangentially about sex but not quite okay um so basically she took a she's taken i'm just gonna say she's taken a job that's causing her to have to do some things that i am uncomfortable with personally dude you're gonna be more specific man what are you talking about all right so uh it's gonna sound of trivial, but I'll just get into it. She does a lot of community theater acting and local productions and whatnot.

And she's taking a role that's basically required her to basically become a stripper. I understand that it's just kind of playing pretend and playing dress up and telling a story and all that. But I'm still uncomfortable with the physical reality of my girlfriend doing some, you know, getting almost naked and doing erotic things on stage in public for a bunch of people. I'm just I'm uncomfortable with that. Um, and, uh, the bigger issue is that when I try to bring it up, um, try to tell her about it, look, I'm just, you know, this is making me uncomfortable. Um, it doesn't go that well. It results in a pretty big argument. And the end result is, you know, Hey, I understand you feel this way, but this is my dream, and so I'm going to do what I want to achieve it.

Okay. So that's why I'm kind of... That's what kind of leads me to the values conclusion, I guess. Yes. Yeah, yeah. But you got a very clear answer. I'm choosing this over you. And it sounds like you don't like that answer, don't want to hear that answer,

and what I will tell you is, A, you're allowed to have any value you want. Okay? Right. Nobody gets a say in that. And there will be a bajillion people who comment on YouTube or whatever with this clip comes out. And they'll be like throwing their – nobody gets a vote on your values. They're yours. Right.

Okay? And when you get married with somebody, you decide to share them. Okay. Right. But you've stated your values out loud. I don't want to be connected to somebody who's going to show her body off in a public forum. Right? Right. Right, wrong, or indifferent. That's one of your values. And she has said, one of my values is I want to be in theater. And this is a part of being an actress. And so this is what I want. Which is a roundabout way of saying

my values are more important than yours. Yeah, yeah. I've kind of had this conversation over and over again in my head. And I've kind of come to that conclusion. I'm just wondering if there was any kind of... It's not really a math problem. It's just pretty direct.

Yeah, yeah. And so what I would tell you is never, never compromise your values for a job, for a girlfriend, for a boyfriend. When you go down that road, it gets hard. So you may have heard me say on the show all the time, there's a big difference between beliefs and values. And I think beliefs should be pushed and pulled.

That's why I'm always, I don't pose, people ask me, but the most common question I get is, what books are you reading? And I rarely post them because I'm always reading things that are diametrically opposed to what I already believe. Because I want to pressure test my beliefs, right? Or I want to learn new things. When it comes to my values, man, over time, I've gotten fewer of them and they've expanded and they've become more concrete. Does that make

sense? Right. So how old are you now? 28, she's 27. Okay. So you got a set of values right now. You're going to look back when you're 40 and be like, Oh gosh, those are some of my values. But the answer is yes, they are. And they just are right.

So the question is, are you going to compromise your values? Um, or are you going to say, Hey, this is, this is a deal breaker for me. Oh yeah. Yeah. That's, that's, I think I listened enough to the show that me. Yeah, yeah, that's,

I think I listened enough to the show that I kind of, that was pretty much the thing I was expecting. I'm just having, I guess I'm just having trouble coming to, it's a hard conclusion to come to, I guess. Yeah. Well, here's where it's not a hard conclusion.

Tell me if this math works out. I'm doing this in real time, okay? So I'm just, I'm thinking this as I go. You have a core value that's about you and about intimacy in your relationship, right? Correct. And she has a core value about acting. Is that right? Yes, right. So does it work? Tell me if I'm wrong. Does it work that you are choosing a core value that sits within you

and she is choosing a thing over you? Does that work? Because that's what it feels like. Yeah, and that's what it feels like to me too you know that's and that's what it feels like to to me too and and i've listened enough to the show to i've heard you say several times you know behavior is a language and to me what what this is saying to me is hey my dream is more important than you and how you feel about it uh and that you know that I'm, that's, that's how I'm feeling about the situation is that's what, that's what I feel that she's saying to me. Have you said that to her? Have you, have you said that to her? Not that specifically, but I've, I've, I've said that.

Um, and I think, I don't, I definitely don't think that she's specifically trying to do something that hurts me. Um, I just don't think she thinks about it in the same way that I do to me. It is an intimacy thing. And, you know, to me doing that on stage, that kind of thing is a level of intimacy that I feel should be reserved. Something that we should just share between the two of us and not something that should be shared in public. And that, that's what, that, that's why it kind of bothered me. But to her,

she doesn't think of it that way to her. It's just a performance. It's a, uh, telling a story, playing a character, that kind of thing, the intimacy thing.

And it, you know, it could be that she just doesn't, you know, she has a whole different bunch of intimacy issues that we could spend the whole show talking about. Um, you know,

I don't, I don't know. I don't know that I'd characterize them as issues. They're just different than yours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And here's a common misconception. You can love somebody, and you can be sexually attracted to somebody, yet have very different values, Meaning that you can love somebody. I've got friends and family that I love,

but good God almighty, we vote differently and we think differently about issues and we've got very different ways of communicating with people and we have very different values. There's been people that I'm sexually attracted to, but we had different values. And so I didn't pursue a long-term relation.

Do you see what I'm saying? Like, it didn't play out in the longterm. My wife and I shared the same values when she was my girlfriend. And that's ultimately what brought us together. See what I'm saying? So those two things often like, well, we, I love her and I'm attracted to her and vice versa. Then why can't this thing work? Those two things aren't always the bellwether here, right? Yeah. You want to be aligned in the values. How long have y'all been dating? Oh, it's been a couple years now. This is the first time anything like this has come up. My guess is, so you've heard me talk about pictures and words.

You ever talk to me about, heard me say that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. It wouldn't surprise me. Like her wanting to be an actress can't be a surprise, right? No, no, absolutely.

Absolutely. You know, I love that about her and I love that she's doing that. It's just that this one aspect of it is causing me some discomfort. So have you ever been watching a movie and there's nudity in the movie and y'all talk about it on the way home? Like, man, would you ever do that? Or I would never do that.

Has that ever come up when the two years y'all been dating? It came up over this conversation that, you know, she wants to. And it was basically kind of the same thing. Like, look, I, you know, I really wouldn't be comfortable if you, if you would do some stuff like that. And the response was basically the same, like, look, I'm going to do whatever I have to do to achieve this dream. You know? So when it comes back to the pictures and words, I can imagine you've known you're dating an actress. Right. And the actress you're dating has told you for two years, this is a dream of mine.

Yeah. Y'all have used the same word, but y'all have very different pictures of what actress meant. See what I'm saying? And both of you right now are feeling like the other person has pulled a bait and switch. You feel like, I want her to be an actress. Yeah, I support you fully. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Put your clothes back on. And she's looking at you like, I told you I was going to be an actress. And y'all just had different pictures of what actress meant. And for her, it means whatever it takes. I'll do whatever the director says

so I can get into this role. And for you, it's, whoa, whoa, I want to reserve something that's just ours. Yeah, that's fair. You hit it right on the head. So I think it's fair for you to sit down

and say, start there. I get that you feel like I'm pulling a bait and switch on you. I've heard actress for all these, for a couple of years, and it never even occurred to me that this was a part of your picture of what actress meant.

And so I want you to know, I'm not trying to deceive you. I'm not trying to, as you're walking out on the stage, be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, don't do that. Don't do that. And ultimately tell her I love you. And I am or am not gonna be a part of this moving forward.

And what you're doing there is you're taking full 100% ownership of your values and make no mistake, our values will always cost us something, always. And I know this is a steep price to pay because you love this person, right? You had plans with her, right? Y'all talked about the future. Y'all are, you're 20 years old. You're two you love this person, right? You had plans with her, right? Y'all talked about the future.

Y'all are, you're 28 years old. You're two years into this thing, right? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Here's the part I'm concerned about. One of the two of you, she drops out of the play or you say,

cool, but I'm not going to go or you go and you squirm and it's uncomfortable the whole time that is man that is a racetrack to resentment and that's exactly what I'm struggling with the only two compromises I see is either

you know she forever now sees me as the one that ruined her dream because she, you know, had to skip out on doing certain opportunities because of me. Or, you know, I just go along and, you know, continue to just kind of sit by while she does stuff that I'm uncomfortable with. And so either way would lead to one of us resenting one another down the road. And that's what I'm uncomfortable with. And so either way would lead to one of us resenting one another down the road. And that's what I'm worried about. Yeah. I think that's a very legitimate true worry. The path forward here though is this. Please keep this in your heart and mind. These are your

values. And so if it ultimately ends your relationship, if you all end up saying, this is as far as we go, it's been a great run, I love you, and I wish you nothing but the best. I have a different picture of the way my life's going to go than the way your life is going to go. So be it, but

don't leave angry with her. Because what she's doing is the same thing you're doing just on the other side of the coin. She's holding to her set of values, whether you agree with them or not. And we could debate that all day long, whether what she's doing is wise or smart or good or righteous, all those things.

The reality is though, you have a line and she's got a line. And now you all have got a gap between the two of you and you're both standing behind each other's line going, are you coming over here? Are you coming over here? Yeah. And so the honest way, the way it usually happens is you get mad because you have to garner the

energy to do what you got to do. The more integrous way forward is a humble, quiet, vulnerable. This is as far as I can go. And I'm going to own this. See what I'm saying? Yeah.

I'll also say this. I don't know if this is going to help. This is one of those things when you ask a billionaire, like, what should I do? And they're like, follow your passion. And you're like, shut up. There's one billionaire for every you know 10 000 unemployed right so take this for what for what what what what it's worth there came a moment when my wife and i we dated for i think we were dating for three or four years of the time she was we're still boyfriend girlfriend and i sat

down with her and said look if all of my dreams come true and all of your dreams come true, we end up on separate planets. And you are pursuing your dreams as hard as you can. And I'm pursuing mine as hard as I can. And we've been trying to do this together. It's not gonna work. So let's save each other the misery and the heartache when we get there and call it now.

And we broke up and it was hard. And it was one of those things that like, I thought it was right at the time. I think it was right at the time. And within the next year, what my dream for my life was shifted radically. And hers changed too. So see what I'm saying?

So hear me say that just because you say, hey, this is as far as I can go. That doesn't mean it's the death and the end forever, but be prepared for it to be, right? Right. Or, man, have a hard conversation with yourself and say, no, I'm okay with this. Yeah. But whatever it is, take ownership of it, okay?

For sure. I wish I had some like, oh, no, just say this. These are hard. And for everybody watching and listening, please don't just bomb the comment section here for Matt, right? I want as a culture us to get to a place where we honor, A, each other's values. B, we have hard discussions about why is this your value

and why is this mine? And let's engage in this conversation. And let's be integrous about shaking hands and saying, hey, I'm just going to go my way here. I realized that my boss has different values than me. And he or she is asking for different values of their employees. And these aren't my values. And so I'm going to, I know I just moved across the country here.

I know this pays great. I'm not going to throw grenades and try to shift in it. I'm going to step off and I'm going to go. There's a few core values that all of us in a society have to have, right? We can debate those all day long, but there's some core ones on treating people with dignity and respect and loving everybody and all those things. But there's just going to be moments in our lives when we have to be okay with walking up and saying, hey, this is a value. I love you. I'm going to shake hands, but it's time for me to head off in this other direction. And I'm taking ownership of it. So it was hard, Matt. I'm sorry, man. And I know it's hard for your girlfriend too. The whole thing's hard. And I wish you the

best. Let me know how that hard conversation goes. And I'll walk with you every step of the way, my brother. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to.

We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes

and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time

for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right, we're back. Let's go to Callie in Bowling Green.

Going back to Callie. What's up? Hey, Dr. John, how are you? We are rocking on to the break of dawn How about you? I'm wonderful I just want to say I'm super thankful For everything that you've brought to our community

And that you put out there I'm one of the OGs I've been listening since episode 1 One of the original 17 Yes, thank you so much I'm deeply. Thank you so much. I'm deeply grateful. Thank you.

No problem. So what's up? So I'm calling today because I coach a high school volleyball team, and that comes with its own challenges. Yeah. We have been really struggling on teaching our girls how to communicate with one another. And on top of that, learning to be vulnerable on top of the communicating piece. Yeah.

And I just wanted your advice on how to kind of facilitate that with high school girls. As a former high school, I'm just kidding. So I thought you were about to say, Hey, we're struggling on offense. And I was going to have to tell you, I don't really know how volleyball works. I just know that y'all, they go in a line. So good. This one's an easier question for me to answer. And I used to be a high school coach too. And it's one of my favorite jobs I've ever, ever had. So good for you. Are you enjoying it? Do you like the influence in their life? I absolutely love it. I have a full-time job year round, but this is something that I also

do year round. We coach high school from July to October. And then I turn around and coach club ball for the same high school girls from December until May. Very cool. Yeah, exactly. Okay. So here's what I've seen in working with high school and college kids over the last couple of decades, I've seen in a way that I don't think most adults, most 35 and 45-year-olds and older, fully grasp just how much relationship has moved into digital exchanges. Like, even asking, like, my middle schooler and all his friends, like, when you go with somebody, right? You have a girlfriend, you never even make eye contact. You don't see each other. It's all texts and photos and emoji. Like everything's been outsourced there.

And so you're getting a lot of information, but it's interesting. I haven't talked to a high school coach, but it doesn't surprise me that then when they get in a real life situation where they have to basically read each other's minds and know I'm gonna be here in this space and you gotta look at my body position surprised me that then when they get in a real life situation where they have to basically read each other's minds and know I'm going to be here in this space and you got to look at my body position and I've got to holler at you and say, hey, go, go, go, go, that their brains don't just

shut down. So give me an example of situations where they're not being vulnerable, where they need to communicate better. Give me an example of that. So I'll kind of give you a little bit of a background. Last season, this is probably the most talented group I've ever coached, hands down. They're very young, primarily sophomores. We have a few seniors that kind of lead the group, but even some of them are struggling with communication. But we've started working with a sports psychologist last year. She did wonderful work. But we, of course, we're unable to afford her this year. High school budget. Volleyball doesn't make that cut. Way to go, America. Very, very much so. So I've kind of tried to step in that role and start doing some small and large group activities with them after practice just to learn to communicate off the court hoping that it will transfer onto the court

um so on the court they're just having issues where they literally will not talk to each other they're running into each other something will happen and us as coaches feel like we're having to spoon feed them everything to say and do gotcha and they're physically capable of knowing exactly what to do and what to say but it's just that awkwardness that tension and even some of the small group activities we've been doing with them after practice to get them to open up to each other, to even say something they like about themselves. It's like terrible. It's so awkward.

Yeah. We do not feel comfortable whatsoever. Okay, so let's back all the way out. Ultimately, there's two things at play. One, there's trust, and one, there is just a skill set, okay? I do believe that we're going to have hell to pay because we're going to have a generation of people that don't have the skills to communicate in person with one another, right? And I think you're experiencing it. Like, I don't even know how to tell you that I'm uncomfortable.

I can text it to you. I can DM you and let you know how I'm feeling, but I can't say that to you, right? And for you and me who grew up saying it first and texting it second, that feels insane, but that's the reality, right? The second one is trust. And here's, I think you earn trust one of three ways, if not all three. Play, sharing meals, and shared experiences. I've got to know you're going to be there. And I have to have these exchanges over food, over play, that is going to allow me to then, my brain to feel safe enough to say,

hey, I don't think I look good in this, or I don't like the way you talk to me on the court, right? So I've got to set a context. And so I'd love to reframe it. And these aren't adjunct things. So even the language like, hey, we do these things after practice. I would love for you to include them into practice.

This is a part of who we are. And I'm thinking back to little things that my coaches have made. Like we had a weekly team dinner during season where we'd all get together. I'm gonna send you every single deck of questions for humans that I got, okay? That would be amazing.

Thank you so much. I even, I started a, I have breakfast with my son once a week and we're doing a book exchange and stuff. I even took them with me this last week and they were a blast. I'd forgotten that I'd written some of these questions out, but we had a great time,

but it allowed a different level of conversation between me and my son. When you have a deck of cards like that, when you have some sort, even if you just go find an app, I'm sure there's a million apps out there. When you can point to the question, ask the deck of cards,

ask the question, not you. And it makes it safer for some reason, okay? It depersonalizes it in a way. But what I would recommend is saying, okay, from this point forward, we're going to cut practice short on Thursdays by 30 minutes because they're good, right? What they need to do is learn to talk and trust. And that's going to help accelerate their connectivity as they function as a single unit on the court. But I'm going to ask you to stay 30 minutes longer than you normally would, and we're going to have a team dinner. And whether that's pizza or whether that's spaghetti, I think we used to do spaghetti

dinners and the parents made it and brought it. And sometimes it was good and sometimes it was a disaster. But we share that experience. Here's another thing. Have you tried to go first? I have. How's that go? And I told them that I firmly believe in leading by example. Good for you. So anytime that I ask them a question, I answer it first. And I've probably admitted things, opened up about things

that I typically wouldn't in front of my school, but I feel like they need to see that and they need to see a coach be vulnerable. My problem is I'm only an assistant. I'm one of four coaches and their head coach is a male and he's a very good friend of mine and he would never participate in this. Why not? So I guess that's a twofold. I'm the only one kind of steer heading this and I've got a great relationship with the girls because of it, but to get him and the other coaches involved is a challenge of its own. Why won't he play? Um, he just full honesty comes up with the,

his job is to win games, Yep. Okay. Which I understand. Um, but I do too. I feel like you have to connect. That's exactly right. So he's playing a very short game, right? He's like a modern corporation.

That's like, I got to make more earnings in this quarter. And they forget that they're playing a long game. Right. And so you can earn, you can sprint and sprint and sprint. Eventually your company is going to go away. Very similar.

Um, he's going to win some games out of some talented kids and he's going to move on to a new place and lead these kids there. That's hard. Okay. I wish there was an easy, I've worked with head coaches. They're hard. It's hard. There's a lot of ego there. There's a lot of, this is my team and that language, right? This is my group of humans that I run and own and whatever. That's going to be hard. I think the best you can do is just be the positive influence that you can. And it might, would he be a part, would he support team dinners? Would he support team play or cut and practice short? Or does it all have to be something you do after he gets done with his practice? I think I could convince him. We went to college together. We're close friends. So

he's very stubborn, but I could get through to him eventually. Okay. Okay. But I think team dinners is definitely something we could do. Here's where the team dinners are important. On Thursdays, we do team dinners. There are no electronics allowed. None. Zero. Everyone's going to make it. On Monday, as a warm-up or the first thing we do, we're going to do some crazy agility drill that is team-driven. Coaches will not participate. There's an over-coaching that's happening with young athletes also that every move is prescriptive.

This idea that they're just going to go play, we don't do that anymore because we got to win games. And by winning games, I'm going to give you this play and you got to run this play in this way. And so they literally don't know how to take a next step because every step has been prescribed for them since they were three years old. And there's something about letting them just go.

We're going to give you five minutes. So y'all figure this game out. And this is how this game works. And here's the four coaches and we're going to give you five minutes so y'all figure this game out. And this is how this game works. And here's the four coaches and we're going to demonstrate how it goes. And y'all are competing against this other, you know, the A squad's going to participate against the, or compete against the B squad.

We're going to make them do some of these things, but we're not going to overcoach them. We're going to back out a little bit. Okay. And I was the worst. The worst. This is the pot talking the kettle here, man. Every mistake, my first year of coaching, every mistake I called out,

you threw the ball away. You did it. And it were, I, I, after my first year, I had some coaches lean into me a little bit. Cause I was a young, hotheaded, knuckle headed moron. And they said, dude, you know who knows that they just dribbled that ball off their knee into the stands? More than anybody, that kid, you yelling it across the gym isn't helpful. He knows. You know what I mean? Right. And that was such a good reminder, especially in practice, to dial back my coaching and dial up my engagement. Meaning I'm going to be much more relational and less, I see that one, I see that one, I see that. You see what I'm saying?

I'm going to coach effort. I'm going to coach spacing. I'm going to coach paying attention. Much more than move over, left, go, up. You see what I'm saying? Right. And I don't know if that's going on in your practices. That sure went on in my practice, man, because I was just over coaching and I paralyzed the kids when I did that. And by the way, if you're listening to this, you're not a coach, all of

this applies to parenting. We over parent and we over like, hey, you got this, you do this, you got this, you do this, you got your deodorant, you brush your teeth, you get your shoes? Today, just today, my son left his track shoes, his cross country shoes, inside. And I asked my wife as I was leaving, you want me to run these to the school? It's 20 minutes out of the way this way, and I got to go 20 minutes back. She said, no, I'll just have to do practice in whatever shoes he's wearing. And that's probably going to be a very uncomfortable three mile run in the woods. And I I assure you he's going to remember his shoes, right? This is just the way we move forward, right? Oh, man.

All right, so Callie, hang on the line here. I'm going to send you all of the questions for humans cards. And by the way, if you have people in your life, whether they're teens, adults, couples, you just started dating, you've been dating a long time, you've been married a long time, there's cards for everybody. Girls night, guys night, friends, just hanging out, having chips and queso and having a few beers, whatever it is, grab these cards. They're tools to teach us again, how to have in-person communication, how to have in-person conversations. And man, all over the planet, people are writing and saying these things are changing their families

and changing their friendships. Go pick some up. JohnDeloney.com. We'll be right back. All right, we are back. Let's go to Ann in San Antonio. What's up, Ann? Hi, how are you? I'm good. And you? I'm pretty good. Pretty good. Hot in Texas. Is this still a thousand degrees? Yes. Has it still 1,000 degrees? Yes. Has it rained yet? It's awful. We got the, oh, God, like a small sprinkle of a rain.

It was such a tease. The clouds rolled in. Everything looked good. There was lightning. And then it rained for two minutes and stopped. It was awful. It was just like a bunch of people spitting in the front yard, and that's about it. There was lightning. And then it rained for two minutes and stopped. It was awful. It was just like a bunch of people spitting in the front yard. And that's about it.

I'm sorry. That's what it felt like. And hey, here's what everyone that I know in Texas is waiting for. It will all catch up in a weekend and then flood everything. Right? So it'll be like, oh, we need 10 inches of rain here, which is the annual average. Let's do it on a Wednesday at 4. And then, anyway, I'm sorry.

So how can I help? I wish I was a meteorologist. I just can't do anything about it. I know. It's all right. What's up? My husband, last week, he went to his local gym, and there was an active shooter situation. And he saw everything. He saw the person be murdered.

Oh, so active shooter. It wasn't somebody just pulled a gun. He says somebody gets shot. Okay. Yes. Someone got shot. Okay.

Yes. And he witnessed everything. Um, thankfully his job is in, um, threat assessment. He didn't follow the crowd. Um,

he actually got the group around him out of the emergency exit, you know, because he takes a mental map of everywhere he goes. Right. And then went back into the building. Went to the shooter. He didn't see the shooter anymore and went to help whoever got shot. But unfortunately, the person who got shot was dead. Yeah. I'm so sorry, man.

What a heroic husband you have, right? No, he's amazing. Yeah. Were you at the gym? No, but I'm just going on my intuition for whatever reason that day. Yeah. Here's what I'm just going on my intuition for whatever reason that day. Yeah. Here's what I'm asking.

We have our six-year-old son. I'm asking, you're wearing this heavily. Yeah. How are you wearing it? Are you, I almost lost my husband, or I could have lost my husband. He was right there. Is that close? Or I'm heartbroken and worried that he saw this

and went through this. Like, where's your heart on this? I think all of it. Yeah. Especially that's the gym I told him not to go to. I told you so's aren't the super best way to approach this, but it's not. And I definitely did not. And when he called me, he's like, hey, don't freak out. I'm like, okay, sure. Listen, let me just take a side here. Good people of the podcast land, especially you, gentlemen. Don't ever call someone you love, especially your wife, and say, start the call with, hey, don't freak out. Don't do that. Because that's a recipe for a total freak out. Okay. That was just my public service announcement. Back to you, Anne. Okay.

So your husband saw some hard stuff. What's it been like since then? He tends to hold things in. So that's why I'm concerned. He came back home and he tried to play it off, you know, tried to have some dark humor in it. But I, you know, we were both in the Marine Corps together and that's where we met. So I already, you know, seen it. We have a lot of friends who I thought unfortunately committed suicide.

Mm-hmm. And that's where my mind is going. Okay. That you're worried that because he experienced this, ultimately it's going to lead to him taking his life, dying by suicide? I think, I don't know if it would ever go there, but when I did bring up, maybe you should get some counseling, maybe there's someone you can talk to.

He said no outright. And I was like, no, I think that's stupid and useless. And I think it's because of our friends who have gone through the type of system. And it didn't help. Yeah. Okay. So here's what I want you to do in this situation. Here's a couple of things.

Okay. Number one, I know you're a veteran. I know you're a Marine. I know you've seen a lot of stuff. I want you to take ownership of your trauma involved here. Secondary traumatic stress is a real thing, okay? And trauma is cumulative. It adds up over time.

And so it might feel weird that this is affecting you so much and you weren't even there. But here's the thing. It just piles onto your body on top of the other traumas you've experienced firsthand or vicariously. Okay? So trauma is cumulative. You've heard me talk about the backpack. If your backpack's already filled to the brim and someone just rests a brick on it, at some point it all falls over.

Okay, that's where you are right now. So don't think you're crazy because you can't stop thinking about this and you weren't even there, okay? But I want you to take ownership that this is your trauma because it's easy for you to feel unmoored and untethered and not well, and then to dump all of that on him

and his lack of response, and he's not responding in a way that you think he should be responding after going through a really harrowing situation, okay? I will tell you personally, and I'm gonna go ahead and just give a warning here to anybody listening. If there's little ears in the room, you probably want to have them head out, okay?

So, Ann, I've been in situations where I've seen the insides of people's bodies on the outside. You too? Have you too? Yes, unfortunately. Okay. And it's very, very different than the movies, right? Yep. Okay. And it's very, very different than the movies, right? Yep. And when you're watching a movie, you don't smell. And you don't have to watch your hands and where you're stepping and where you're leaning, right?

So I know I'm getting real graphic here, but here's what I'm trying to tell you. I've been there, and almost as a meta, I've been really surprised at how it didn't affect me like I thought it would to the point that I went and saw a counselor because I thought I was a psychopath. Where it did affect me though, so I didn't shut me down. Gallows humor is how I handle that stuff. And so it was some real dark, dark humor, making jokes that were inappropriate. And my circle of friends got pretty tight because there was only a few people I could talk to about it. Where it came out was I got real short with people that I loved

or I wasn't sleeping very good, which over time made me or encouraged me open up an avenue where I made some poor diet choices, which then, right? So it affected me in weird ways, but not in the ways I would have thought.

Okay? Here's why that's important for you. Don't put your picture of how he should be handling this onto him. That's going to cause a division in your relationship. What I'd much rather you do is sit down with him and say, I'm going to go talk to somebody because this is affecting me. I'm taking ownership of my mental health and wellness. I'm going to call a local counselor. I need you to promise me that if you're not okay, you will reach out. Okay. And here's another important one. And my wife has been a gift here. She has not, like we don't talk, like when I was doing crisis, like I wouldn't talk about what I saw. I wouldn't

bring that stuff up. That wasn't fair to come back from a scene and then just dump that all on her. But she sure did call out, hey, you really have an energy about you that you're looking for a fight. And it's making me uncomfortable. I'd be like, I'm not looking for a fight.

And she goes, I know, but I just need you to, you are radioactive. Or I can tell the last five nights you haven't slept all night. You're tossing and turning. And so she called out my behavior. She didn't try to armchair diagnose me. She didn't tell me I was doing something wrong. She didn't tell me I was screwing something up. She did call out my behavior as someone who loves me and who spends a lot of time with me. Do you get the difference there?

Yeah. And I didn't do any of that. I did mention it just like, hey, and I did mention it to him like, hey, maybe if there's someone you need to talk to. And, you know, it was out of his behavior. And I said it just like that, not pushing it on him or anything or just patient. And I only brought it up once and let it go. Okay, so what's his behavior? He's usually a happy-go-lucky guy. I mean, he's very approachable. Everybody really, really loves him, and that's kind of why I was concerned, because I do see his behavior changing. He said it doesn't affect him, but I do pay attention to him to where a couple days after it happened, he was just staring off into space.

Even the night it happened, he was just staring off into space, and I didn't push it. I didn't pressure him. The first, one of the first things I did was, you know, after he said he didn't want to be counseling, I reached out to a couple of his best friends and let them know what happened and just said, hey, you know, I don't want you to be caught off guard if he doesn't need to talk to somebody.

Like he doesn't, as of right now, he doesn't want to do, you know, talk to a counselor or anything like that. I'm like, and he seemed like he would like, he was okay about it. But I knew since my older sister also has PTSD, who's that's gone untreated. We're dealing with her rage fits and everything too. And that,

but here's the thing. Let's deal with the behavior, not with the pseudo diagnosis. Okay. Yeah. So if you see him staring off into space and one of the things, it's funny you mentioned that because that's exactly what my wife would call out. She would say, you're here, but you're not here. And she would just say it very quietly. Hey, you're with us, but you're

not with us. Or she would say, come back to us. That was her quiet thing. And she would do it very gently and quietly. And she'd put her hand on me. Like she would touch my hand or touch my leg and say, Hey, come back to us. And we would do that at a dinner party. And I would just be staring off into space, didn't even realize I'd left the room and I had, okay? It wasn't, hey, you need to go to see a counselor and because your depression, it wasn't that. Because that would have walled me off.

I would have said, I'm fine. I'm completely fine. I'm sitting here at dinner laughing. I'm having a good time. It was, hey, come back to us. And you promise you will call if you feel like something's going south, if you feel like you're hurting yourself.

Yes, I promise. That's it. I'm not gonna try to armchair diagnose you. I'm gonna call it behavior. Hey, you're getting really loud and really angry. I'm not okay with that. I'm gonna take the kid and I'm gonna leave. Because this is, you see what I'm saying?

We're talking about the behavior, not the diagnosis and not the solution. We're gonna let them find their path towards that solution, okay? And if you see something troubling, like all of a sudden guns are out more than they usually are, or he's starting to give stuff away to some stuff that is his prized possessions. Or he starts getting throwing things away.

He starts talking about missing some of his friends who died by suicide. If you start getting nervous, then you call everyone you know, right? You call everybody. But this sounds to me like you are struggling but this sounds to me like you are struggling with this and I want you to take ownership of what you're struggling with okay are you there?

I'm here yeah will you do that? I can why won't you you're not going to I know you're not I know you're not I know

I have a lot of friends who are tough veterans you're not going to why won't you I won't and just pretend we're having a beer and some nachos

and I'm just sitting across the table from you this isn't me like talking down at you I'm smiling like why won't you? I have other things to worry about. Like what?

We just moved to the area, one thing. We have a six-year-old kid trying to get him adjusted to a new moving place. We are here kind of alone. Yep. My husband travels based kind of alone. Yep. My husband travels for work. Okay. So most of the time I'm holding it down myself. Yep. I have other things to worry about.

You sound tired. I'm exhausted. Yeah. So let me tell you the single greatest gift you could give your is this a six-year-old little boy or little girl? He's a boy. Okay. so let me tell you the single greatest gift you could give your, your, is this a six year old little boy or little girl? He's a boy. Okay.

The single greatest gift you could give your little boy and the single greatest gift you could give your husband is connection. Not that they're getting a performance, not that they're getting a shell of you, but that they're fully getting you. And so what that means is the greatest gift you could give your son and the greatest gift you could give your husband is to get well.

Because the evil of trauma is that it disconnects us from relationship because other people die, other people hurt us. And so other people become the thing our body tries to protect us from. And unfortunately, it's the only thing that keeps us well as other people. See how it's a mess? Yep. And you're exhausted and now you're real lonely too right yeah yeah yeah i feel like i take care of everyone around me and i kind of just you do like i don't i don't i don't go to the doctor unless um my legs falling off and that's not brave it's not it's It's dumb. It's just dumb.

It's efficient for everyone else but myself. It's not, though. You're giving them 65%. They deserve more of you. And they can only get more of you if you will get well. Yeah, I agree. Have you seen hard hard stuff like what in terms of death and

some of that carnage that comes along with that I have but also I did take your ACEs score I'm a 9 that's what I was getting at ACES test score yeah often those of us

who find ourselves in helping roles are helping because we have to right yeah yeah I would love

love love for you to be at your six-year-old's wedding. And I would love, love, love for you to be that crazy, crazy San Antonio grandma for his little knuckle-headed kids he's going to have. That's what I tell my husband all the time. I'm like, when I'm old,

I just want to sit on our front porch with a hound dog and throw pine cones at people walking by. Oh my gosh, we're the same person, dude. I've had basset hounds my whole life. And as soon as my last, as soon as Josephine goes to college, I'm getting more hound dogs. They're disgusting and gross and loud and I love them.

Yes. But here's the thing. That picture you have to reverse engineer, just like a mission. Here's our objective. And so what do we have to do starting today to make that happen? And so you're playing a long game. And right now you are caught in a common trauma response, which is I just need to get to the next hour and then the next hour and then the next hour. And then I collapse at night. Usually I take something to go to sleep and then I prop myself up with chemicals when I wake up and I start the whole thing over again. Usually I take something to go to sleep and then I prop myself up with chemicals when I wake up

and I start the whole thing over again. And I want you to start playing a longer game here. Okay? And that starts with you calling a counselor in San Antonio and saying, I'm new to the area. My ACEs score is a nine and I'm ready to go to work on me. And you're probably gonna have to take a yoga class.

You're probably have to get massage. You're going to have to learn what good touch and healthy touch is. And you're gonna have to learn how to write and journal. You have to learn all this new crap. It's going to be like, come on, man. Yeah. I mean, I do, um, mixed martial arts and me and my husband just started dance lessons because i didn't want to miss i don't want a disconnection to happen i love it that's outside our comfort zones and love it gets us keeps us close connected so we have no choice to

genius genius i love it love love love it. Love, love, love it. And the last true intimate connection is two former Marines getting past the wall and being emotionally vulnerable and intimate when it comes to what I'm thinking and what my needs are and what I love and what I want to do one day. Yeah. And it's basically been us the entire time. We've moved everywhere together. We got married when we were 18. Yep. It's just been us. Yeah.

And it's been us looking out for each other. I know, but you're looking out for each other in a performative way. You're not with each other. You're trying to protect each other. I know, but you're looking out for each other in a performative way. You're not with each other. You're trying to protect each other. See the difference? Yes. Yeah, we're protecting each other.

That's exactly what it is. And you get in this weird circle. He wakes up and feels that you're a hundred miles away from him, even though you're three inches away from him in bed. And he sets off to protect you and help. How is he going to do that?

He has no one to shoot anymore. And so he's going to go earn a bunch of money. And he's going to do what he's got to do because he's just going to follow the script on how to take care of a wife in Texas. And you're going to wake up and realize husband just took off again to another town, to another job, to another thing. And I need to protect him because he's going to be busy. He's going to be doing these things. And so I'm going to get a bunch of tasks and he's going to get a bunch of tasks and a bunch of jobs and none of that will address. Are you with me? Yes.

And I think a lot of it too is that we both come from a similar background. So we're kind of dedicated ourselves to changing our, the changing cycles. Awesome. I mean, that's amazing. That's amazing. That's incredible. If I sent you two copies of Own Your Past, Change Your Future, would y'all read them together?

I already have it. You got it? Have you read it? Yeah. It's in my Audible. I'm actually on chapter three. Okay. Stay on the line.

I'm going to send you two hard copies. You can Audible it too, but if y'all will go through that together, it will give you something to point at. Yeah. And there's a few chapters in there he can roll his eyes at and be like,

oh, this is so dumb, blah, blah. Yeah, that's exactly what he's going to do. Of course he is. And you can just laugh. Yeah. And you can tell him to call me. Tell him to call me. We can roll our eyes together.

It's fine. Okay. But it will give you an entry point to, well, what do you think about that? And what do you think about that? And I think this is stupid. Why do you think that's stupid? And it gives you an entry point into a conversation.

Okay. I'm sorry that he experienced this. I'm so glad he was there to save a bunch of people's lives, and I'm glad he's got you to come home and anchor into. Yeah, we balance each other really well. You do. Yeah, we balance each other really well. Where he's weak, I'm strong. Where other really well where he's weak

I'm strong where I'm strong he's weak and I wanted to introduce you to a life not on the teeter-totter yeah where it doesn't have to balance

right where it's like saying that out loud just now that's such a military of course it is the way you solve problems oh my god

hey hold on there's some greatness to that you have a framework that most people walking down the street don't have and here's the thing you've heard me say this

a million times on the show the framework that keeps you alive can be the framework in a different time and period the things that you do to keep you alive when you're a kid are the things that are going to blow your marriage up.

The things that you do in the military, the way you solve problems, the way you have to have step-by-step instructions so that we can get this mission, that is amazing. And if the strategies in the plan become more important than your wife or your husband, when you're newlyweds trying to figure out life outside of the military,

it can become constrictive, right? So don't throw all that stuff out. You may laugh and catch it and be like, oh, it sounds like I'm in the military again. That's fine. He's lucky to have you. And my hope for you guys is this. Y'all are doing, y'all are amazing. Amazing.

My hope is that y'all can say, hey, we are doing all of these things. He is all in on loving you and you are all in on loving him and you're both all in on taking care of that kid and you, it's common, you're taking the lion's share of the work and you're exhausted and you're running

and you're running and you're lonely in a new town, all those things. My dream for you is that you would say, hey, I'm gonna stop driving at 95 miles an hour. I'm gonna back it down to 60, 55 and put on cruise control for a while. I'm gonna go sit down and say some things out loud for the first time in my life

about what life was when I was a kid, the things I've been through, the things I've seen, things I've experienced in military, and it's gonna be uncomfortable and it's gonna be gnarly. And I'm gonna learn some new skills and I'm gonna process some old trauma so that I will be the most present wife,

the most present mom. I will be the most at peace, my body will be at peace so that those I love can anchor and repel off the side. And husband, by the way, I want you to do that too. That may be a harder sell, but we often learn by watching. So, and go first. You're brave, so grateful for you and your husband and your service and your gifts to our communities.

And I'll walk with you every step of the way as y'all head into the new whatever, right? Wherever it goes. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out

or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you. So you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, man, that was some heavy stuff today. Go out and do something nice. Go serve somebody. Go find someone to laugh with. Go for a walk. Go find beauty. Today's song of the day is based off the first call, the T-Pain classic. I'm in love with it.

Just kidding, it's not. It's actually Space Hog. My good buddy Chad came into the studio a minute ago, and he's like, I thought of this song when I thought of you. And I don't know whether to think that's a good thing or a bad thing. Most people don't think. Deloney. Kind of like a space hog.

But the song is In the Meantime, and it goes like this. And in the end, we shall achieve in time the thing they call divine, and all the stars will smile for me when all is well and well is all for all and forever after, maybe in the meantime. We love the all, the all of you, where lands are green and skies are blue.

We're all in all, we're just like you. We love all of you. That's about right. I love you guys. We'll see you soon.