The Dr. John Delony Show - Should I Confront My Daughter-in-Law?

Episode Date: February 23, 2024

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Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I cheated on her, and just over a year and a half later, she ended up cheating on me. We seemed to be good for a bit, and then I felt a pull away. I had this gut instinct that there was more going on. It feels like you're not struggling with not knowing as much as you don't have trust. What's up, what's up, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So grateful that you are with us.

Talking about marriage, emotional health, mental health, parenting, whatever you got going on in your life. Shows real people going through real challenges all over planet earth. If you want to be on the show, if you're struggling in your marriage or struggling with your kids, struggling with your in-laws, I got you. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. A couple of housekeeping things. Don't forget, ramsaysolutions.com slash getaway. Getaway. Not runaway like the great killer song,

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So there is. We open up a few more VIP seats, which include like meet and greets and all this. The weekend, you will come. we're going to talk about sex. It's like this show, except for you, right? For you. And with Rachel Cruz, we can talk about your money too, how to bring your marriage back together. Last year, we had couples that were engaged.

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We're watching the numbers just go through the roof. Please, if you haven't done it, it takes two seconds. It doesn't cost anything. And it really makes a powerful difference if you'll just hit the subscribe button. Thank you so, so much. All right, let's go out to Montana and talk to Tony, Tony, Tony. What's up, Tony? Not much. Just living the great life. Are you sick of people moving to Montana, looking for the great life? Well, sometimes it depends on what they're bringing with them.

Well, I moved to Nashville, and they told me that there was a TV show called Nashville that made everybody want to move to Nashville. And then I guess then there was a TV show about Montana, and I guess everyone's moving to Montana now. So there you go. I'm currently not in Montana. I'm a snowbird, so I'm really in Arizona for another month. Awesome, awesome. I'm one of them. All right.

So what's up? How can I help? Well, I just, do you want me to just read the question I have? You do it however you want to. Oh, okay. Well, my husband and I, we're empty nesters as they say, and we don't, anyway, we try not to interfere in our adult children's lives and respect their boundaries. And unless they ask us for advice, then we'll give it. But I have one daughter-in-law who uses a parenting technique that just upsets me so much.

It makes me sick inside or cry or both. What is it? She yells loudly and not very nicely at all. And she says that she knows that the kids love her, or she knows that she loves the kids. And I know she loves the kids too i mean she she's a good mom and i don't know she just says my mom raised us that way and yelled and we turned out okay so what's wrong with it yeah bullcrap don't yell at your kids

it's an immature, stupid way to parent. And I know there are people who are like, oh, gosh, I yell at my kids. And they'll do what your daughter-in-law says, which is like, no, this is the right way to do it. This is how I was raised. And then there's others that say, I know. I just can't stop. I used to have a ton of, like, let's sit down and talk about it and let's go no i'm i'm kind of done with that Because i've spent 20 years working with kids high school kids college kids

On the back end of growing up in those homes And they're emotional wrecks It's wrong And they're emotional wrecks. It's wrong. So your gut instinct, your initial like watching an adult lose it on a child. Yeah, it's not fun. No, it's not. And so I'll tell you this. I was going to high five you And then I have a bad habit of interrupting people

So I'm trying to get better about it I was going to interrupt you and tell you Good on you For you and your husband saying hey These are our kids we raised them And then they married who they married And we're not going to interfere with their lives Good on you that's awesome

I tell empty nesters that all the time Right Trust your kids let Let them out. And if they ask you, oh yeah, I'll tell you. But if they don't ask you, they didn't ask you. Okay?

And then as adults, y'all get to decide do we want to be in this or not. I will tell you. If I'm at a supermarket and I hear somebody screaming at a kid, I will get involved. Not in some...

What do you say to them? Not in some, I'll say hey stop you mind your own business stop yelling at that kid in this place what are you gonna do about it I'm asking you to stop I'm not gonna get in a fight

I'm not nine but I will on behalf of a child say something. Okay? Now, it may be that that anger and rage comes towards me. Cool. At least it's not on that kid anymore. Right.

So I tell you that to tell you this. I would have a direct, hard conversation with my son. Okay. And I would preface it with, you and your dad, you know, you and your dad, me and your dad don't get involved. You know that me and your dad,

we raise you, we trust you, we're letting it go. I cannot sit by and watch this happen again. Do you have anything I can tell him to read? Or have him read? Yeah, it's probably going to be a chiropractic textbook on how to get a spine. For me? No, not for you. I'm talking about for him.

I know. I just need to grow a backbone and stand up for him. Here's the deal. Nobody's taking care of those kids. They need some adult in their life to stand up and say, hey, this isn't okay. And by the way, for those listening,

so, Tony, one time on the internets, on social media, I posted never lie to your kids. And then, later on,

I posted something about because the whole thing filled up, all the comments filled up with questions about Santa Claus. So, I posted something about don't steal that from your kids. There's a difference between lying

to your child and participating in a cultural game, right? Right. There's just a difference. And if you can't see that difference, God help you, right? In the same way, what I hear you describing is not raising your voice to keep a kid from getting, because I've written about this too. Don't ever yell at your kids. And there's always some guts like, oh yeah, if they're just going to get hit by a truck, you're just going to, no, of course, if my kid's going to get hit by a truck, I'm going to scream my lungs out. Right?

Right. When there was almost a really dramatic physical altercation that one of my kids wandered into and didn't realize what was happening, yeah, I got real, real loud. Right. Right? immature ways of trying to control kids' behavior by screaming at them and causing their nervous system to hit pause so that the adult in the room can feel powerful and back in control. And that's what I hear you describing. Yes, that's what it is. Okay. Those kids are desperate for some adult in their life to reach in and say, I'm here. Because their mom's not doing it.

And your son needs to grow a backbone because he's not doing it. Yeah. We don't live in the same city as they do. We're about five hours away. Okay. Did something happen recently that has set this off well it's happened you know almost since they've had children but like the last time is when we were there it happens when we're there and i i wonder if she just gets under stress you know and then it's built and built and explodes

i don't care i mean i mean the context is and all, and it's important for her to figure out when she's feeling herself getting set off. Can I tell you what? It's never okay. Go ahead. Yeah. You can tell me anything. I can tell you. When I was younger and had kids that age, and then I was yelling at my kids, and I had a friend that heard me, and I wasn't yelling at him like she does, just like

calling them and hurry up, we're going to be late and all that. But she told me that she had been yelled at as a child when she was growing up and that she had rather be beat with a stick than yelled at. And I told her that, I told my daughter-in-law that, and she just doesn't, she just, no, this works, and that's what I'm doing. I think the challenge there is you took a really circuitous, is that how you say that word? You went roundabout. Yeah, yeah. There's like, well, you know, one time I knew somebody and this happened. That's different than while I'm here, you will never yell and scream at my grandkids. They don't deserve that. And by the way, honey, you didn't either.

Now, when you do that, that's a declaration of war and she probably is going to tell her husband your child i don't want your mom here yep you know what i'll sacrifice my friendships on behalf of some kids because if they're my true friends if they're my true family my true people I'm connecting with, they'll understand. So just come anyway. Well, again, I think the conversation begins with your son. Right. I think so too.

And it may be, honey, I did this to you and I was wrong. It was never okay. Well, he was little, doesn't matter own it first that's it makes it makes the hard conversation more of an invitation than it does a you're starting to fight with him right oh i never yelled again not from that day forward so i know people can stop i know you know how i know because that's me yeah a loud mouth yelling idiot yeah i never did again and my stress level went down too of course the whole house gets peace it it keeps the whole the electricity in the house way low because what happens is here's what happens over time your kids learn

that it's our job to make sure mom doesn't feel a certain way because when mom feels a certain way she goes bananas yeah physically or psychologically and emotionally. And that isn't their job. Their job is to be kids. That's the adult's job. Never yell at your kids. What about shaming? Well, no, of course not.

I mean, what's that going to solve? Give me an example of shaming. So, like, putting your nose, making them put their nose on the wall or the window at a restaurant if they misbehave. Oh, jeez. Yeah, I mean, that's... Yeah, that's bad. Yeah, no.

Not super effective. No. I mean, my heart breaks for this woman. Because she is clearly in a game without the tools to win. Without the tools to be successful. The kids are good, though. I mean, they're polite and well- yeah and you know what everything in my life changed when dr michael gomez a psychologist told me once uh hey john straight a's can be a trauma response too

yeah if kids know mom's gonna shove their face up against a piece of glass in a public setting if mom's gonna scream and yell in public, mom's going to scream and berate me in my own safe home, you're damn right I'm going to do everything perfect because that woman's crazy. They're not doing right because they've learned some character lessons. They're not doing right because they innately understand dignity and respect. They're doing right to keep their necks.

For fear. Out of fear. Yes. And by the way, if you raise kids who are scared of you, you don't teach them to think for themselves. You don't teach them strength and resilience and grit. You teach them how to duck their heads and get out of the way. And when you have an entire culture raised on fear like we do, you have a whole culture that just ducks their head and looks away.

And then it lets the bad guys in power do whatever the crap they want. So I want kids to challenge me. I want my son and daughter to respectfully in the right way challenge me because I'm teaching them not just to take everything and just have it shoved down their throat. I also am not going to scream and yell and belittle my kids as a way to flex on them. You know why? I don't need to flex. I'm bigger than them. I'm their parent. Right? Right. And that means I have to work really hard to not ever get out of control.

And that means I have to make sure my marriage is good. That means I have to make sure I'm sleeping. That means I have to go see a counselor sometimes. That means I have to make sure my marriage is good. That means I have to make sure I'm sleeping. That means I have to go see a counselor sometimes. That means I have to journal. That means I have to not owe people money so I don't feel stressed all the time. I got to do those adult things so that I can be the adult with my kids. That's my job. And that's her job. Yep.

Yeah. And that's your son's job. You, my friend are gonna have to um i think some of your fear about having this conversation comes from your own shame about how your son's handling this you got to let that go it's not on you okay okay you got to let that guilt go because that guilt is keeping you from intervening on behalf of those kids and by the way both your son and your daughter i mean daughter-in-law may look at you and say we don't give a crap what you have to say

and you may be sacrificing in the short term, being able to see those kids. It's still the right thing to do. They need an adult in their life. And I'll say this again for the people in the back of the room. Don't yell at your kids. It doesn't make them tough. It doesn't make them strong. It makes them into adults with highly dysregulated nervous systems.

Look around. That's what we got. Don't yell at your kids. Thanks for the call, Tony. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks I want you to consider talking with a therapist Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself

Where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest authentic life Take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost.

Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Diloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Diloni. All right, let's go out to Toronto and talk to Stephen. Hey, Stephen, what's up, man? Hey, Dr. John, how are you doing?

I'm doing all right, brother. What's up? Yeah, quick back story. So basically, me and my wife, we've been married five years now. We have two kids. Right around after the second kid, I cheated on her. And we kind of committed to the whole rebuild something new had a counselor did all that stuff and just over a year and a half later she ended up cheating on me um

it seemed to kind of bring us together as weird as that sounds um but like we seem to be good for a bit and then just I felt a pull away I had this gut instinct that she was pursuing a relationship like I don't know what happened but like it just was this gut feeling that there was more going on I never ended I never ended up finding it out. We're now at a point where she kind of, we, we took some time apart. We came back together. It was like, okay, let's make this work. Let's do this. So my question is, I'm really struggling with like not knowing and basically like how do I like let that go or do I like keep going because I know if I keep going to try and find something out either way my relationship is done yeah that's not tell me if I'm wrong tell me if I'm wrong it feels like you're not struggling with not knowing as much as you don't have trust.

The trust has come back. It hasn't. And like... Then why don't you just ask her, hey, I need you to sit down and be very clear about what happened. Because I don't know what my... response would be to that. Um, and I think that's what I'm, you know,

you know, you know, what is it? If you find out she lied to you during that time, are you done? And that's, that's what I think I'm. Steven, Steven, Steven, just stop struggling own it okay okay

stop struggling like you see what i'm saying like you're kind of just dripping into like molasses like stand up if you found out that okay she you cheated on her y'all went through counseling you did everything and then she cheated on you was did she say it's a one-night stand was it like a weekend hookup was like a small couple weeks like what was it, did she say it's a one night stand? Was it like a weekend hookup? Was it like a small couple of weeks? Like what was it? It was, she said it was a one night, like it was again, it was a one night stand. Like it just was,

I was drinking with friends and met up with an old friend and you know, ended up at a hotel together. Okay. Things happen. Then did she come home and tell you about it? Did you find out? Found out. Okay. You found out. So she lied to you about it? Did you find out? Found out Okay, you found out So she lied to you and she cheated on you Yes And you found out

Did she deny it at first or did she bury your head and say, yeah, I did this, this happened? No, she lied Okay So Then at some point you said it pulled you back together That happens in a weird way and you described it good Like it felt, as weird as that sounds I think is what you said or as awkward as that sounds for a minute there's a leveling of the teeter-totter yeah right the scale has been because you walk around like after being like having two

little kids and cheating you walk around it's kind of the the whipped dog right i did this thing i did this thing and she's like i forgive you let's move on you're like i know but that kind of the whipped dog, right? I did this thing, I did this thing. And she's like, I forgive you, let's move on. And you're like, I know, but that kind of hovers. And then when she does it, it's now we both are the same suck. And there's that fantasy that we both hooked up with other people, we realized, we got that kind

of out of our system, and you're the one, and yeah, you're the one, and they all, everyone's gonna live happily ever after. Mm-hmm. and yeah, you're the one and they all, everyone's going to live happily ever after. And yet you got that pit in your stomach. Tell me about that. Again, it's. Steven, stop. Get out of the syrup.

What's the gut tell you? The gut tells me something happened and it was going on for an extended period of time. Where does that gut feeling come from? Her flipping her phone over every time you walked in the room for weeks on end? From text messages she was deleting? Where's that come from? Your own insecurity?

Where's that coming from? It was, again, it was reactions. Like, and it was just a shift in behavior. Being MIA from the phone when she doesn't ever leave the phone alone, right? Like, it was just like, yeah, it was a shift of behavior. It was just, and then if I say anything about it or ask her about anything, like it was, it was the, the, the snap back kind of, I guess, gaslighting. Yeah.

Um. Here's the deal. You're, you're, you're lying to yourself when you say that trust is back. It's not. You don't trust this woman as far as you can see her. You don't trust this woman as far as you can see her. You don't. Right. And you know what's on the other side of that, of the truth.

You know that you can't stay. I don't think there's something, Stephen, she could tell you to make you go, all right, you're right. Do you? I think. And, like, I've been thinking a lot. Yeah, you think a lot. I can tell. You're very cerebral, and you wanted to think it through.

It just ends up pulling you underwater. I think. I know, sorry. No, it's okay, it's okay, you're good, man. This is hard, it's hard stuff. My biggest issue I'm having with it is not, if I knew the full truth and she said, listen, I did make a mistake. Like I did continue this, but this is actually where I want to be. Then that's a rebuilding that can happen. but because there isn't that,

that, that statement, like there was a, this is what I want to have, like have, this is how I want to rebuild. And like, you know,

like it was that comment, but there was no ownership to, or like even acknowledgement of how I had been feeling. And it was just like, not about how I had been feeling and it was just like It's not about how you had been feeling. It's how she lied to your face. Yeah. You're not the bad guy here. Did you do something stupid? Yes.

Did you violate your marriage? Yes. Have you not been honest with your wife over time? Yes. You are not a bad guy for doubting your wife. She's repeatedly lied to you, man. And what I'm going to say doesn't make a lot of sense unless

you've been there. And I haven't been here personally, but I've just sat with people. The second affair almost sometimes feels worse. Yeah. The first one's out of the blue. So it's like getting punched, like, and you don't realize it. Right? I mean, like, you don't know what's coming and it's just a side swipe, like a sucker punch but you go through two years of counseling and rebuilding

and all that gets thrown away for a drunken night in a bar really right that one feels like a knife with eye contact just stabbing you slowly like in saving private r. Right? And the world wants you to say, oh, even Steven, you did it and you did it. No, you both did a different kind of thing to each other. Yeah. But if nobody's told you this, you cheated a couple of years ago, you have a right to be heartbroken too.

That she did it back. And I feel like that was never the topic. I know. You never grieved it. It was always, well, see? You too, so even.

Evens. Let's go get a big house, right? I mean, it was just like, let's move on to the next. And you didn't get a chance to grieve. That after years of you walking around with your head hung low and your wife kind of hanging over your head and you going to counseling and listening to how bad you were and all the things you had to do to regain trust and all that,

and she went on to that? Hurts. You never got a chance to say, hey, this hurts. This sucks. And by the way dude i'm saying this with a smile on my face if you were here you would know i'm smiling with you okay i'm not at you i'm with you but like you've talked yourself into this loop if i could just go by the bank and ask them for $2.5 million, I could finally go to Nashville and get me a nice three-bedroom house. Because houses are stupid expensive here.

But that will never happen because I don't have $2.5 million in my account. Similarly, your wife just wants to build the next thing. Let's just go do the next thing. And you're saying, hey, we don't have any money in that account. We can't go do that next thing until we settle up here. And you know if she's honest about the settle up, that's going to change what the outcome is. Fair? Yeah.

Okay. The only way this thing gets solved is if you stop walking around like a whipped dog. Stand up tall. You messed up. You owned it. Cool. We have to be completely honest before we can move forward. And I don't think you have.

Not you, but her. How does this all play out? Just like this. You sit down and say, here's what I need to rebuild trust. And maybe you say, I haven't been trustworthy because I haven't dug in

and I don't fully believe you. And I'm sorry to say that out loud, but I'm struggling with trust. I need to know what happened. And I've been in multiple situations sitting with people in this kind of madness when someone says, I don't know if I believe or if I trust,

and that person just whips their phone out. Go through it all. Here you go. Here's my emails. Go. Yeah. Let's go through phone records. Done.

I'll go print them off. And then there's the other one, which is like, you're not looking at my phone. No way. If you don't believe me, then how can you, and it gets all dumped on you, right? As though you're the problem. Yeah. Yeah. You're not the problem.

But I think you have to get really radically honest with, I can't move forward without trusting you. And I'm not going to be able to trust you until the following things. Trust is reestablished. And here's what that's going to mean. I need to see your phone. I'm going to show you my phone. We have to answer each other's calls when they come. We have to fill in the blank, let each other know where we are.

Because we have a relationship that has zero trust. We have a house with no foundation on it. And so part of rebuilding trust is, I know exactly what happened because the thought that we went through all that, all that counseling, all that pain, all those tears, all that hurt, all that, are we going to stay together? And he just got drunk at a bar and hooked up with somebody.

I don't know about that. Doesn't feel right. Doesn't feel right. Doesn't feel right. Because if that's the case, the counselor that y'all worked with and that new house y'all built, that new house was built out of paper, and it was a beach house right by the water. It couldn't withstand nothing. You have a right to trust. You have a right to ask hard questions you have a right to be told

the truth inside your marriage it's the only way it works man but i want you to stand up tall write down today here's what i need to re-establish trust i want you to tell your wife hey i want to have a i know we've had a bunch of these over the years. I want to have a all cards on the table conversation. Let's do it Friday. Let's get somebody to watch the kids. And let's just, we're going to be two adults. We're going to sit down at the table, like grownups, and we're going to put all the cards on the table. Cause I'm struggling with trust. And I've written out a list of things that I need to reestablish trust. I asked you to do the same. What can I do for you to reestablish trust? And we're going to sit down and we're going to put all the cards on the table.

Give that a shot. If she says no, that might be your answer. And I'd hate that for you. Hopefully she says I'm all in. Here's all cards. That's my hope, brother. Let me know how it goes. We'll be right back.

Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though, is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow

and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for

your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice, and here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it, and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself, and sometimes you do this with a group, and Halo helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Halo, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to

hallow.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, let's go out to Springfield and talk to Matt. What's up, Matt? Hey, Dr. John. How you doing? Good, brother. How are you? Doing all right. Excellent. Doing all right.

What's up? So I'm just calling to get some advice on approaching my mom about her drinking. She's struggling with it for quite some time now. I've tried on a few occasions, but they haven't gone well. How have you tried? So it's been a long time since I've tried. I kind of gave up for a while.

Last time I tried was I took her out to lunch, and I just simply asked, you know, how are you doing? I know that you've struggled in the past. How's it going with the drinking? And there's been drug use involved too. But then it really just turned into, oh, you think you're better than me kind of response. I'm doing fine when I know she's not

doing fine. Hey, Matt, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah. You've been taking care of her for a long time, haven't you? Yeah, to some extent. I've been trying. Let me say it differently. Taking care of her, you've been worrying about her for a long time,

haven't you? Yeah. That's heavy. It's say it differently. Taking care of her, you've been worrying about her for a long time, haven't you? Yeah. That's heavy. It's exhausting. Yeah. And you know she doesn't drink because of you, right? Yeah, I think I have. Matt! Matt! She doesn't drink because of you.

Right. How old are you, man? Yeah. I am 31. Okay. What happened that this has come back up? So most recently, actually like a week ago, she accidentally called me.

Didn't know that she was calling me. Left me a voicemail. And she was at a package store. I could just tell. She was at a package store. I could just tell. She was at a what? Package store. Okay. And I haven't brought that up to her,

that that happened. Yeah. Are you noticing her starting to decompensate, starting to go downhill? I mean, to be honest, she hides it well. She's a very anxious person. Her personality is very loud. But I can tell when she's had a few, I can just tell her demeanor changes a bit um are there

ways that you don't have to interact with her is she a part of your life yeah yeah she's she's she's pretty active i mean we're five minutes down the road my wife and i and my son five minutes down the road from them. Oh, kids. She watch your kids? She take care of your kids? Not too often. She works a lot. But that's one of my concerns. My wife isn't too concerned about that. I think my wife gives her the benefit of the doubt, but I don't because of things that have happened in the past you know you know yeah

so yeah um i think so here's what the data we have is that conversations don't go well she gets very defensive turns the whole things on you right and you walk away feeling like crap both for trying to love your mom and she won't have it, and B, her language letting you know that you're the problem here and you're the ungrateful jerk son that needs to get his crap, right? It flips on you. So we know that doesn't work. And we know that she's pretty clear she doesn't want my help. So those are two heartbreaking data points. Where you do have

significant control is, hey mom, I don't think I'm better than you. That's not what this is about. And so I'm not going to allow this conversation to get turned into that direction. Here's just start to finish. If you've had a drink or if you've had a Klonopin, you cannot be around my son. You won't be welcome at the house. I want my son to know you and be around. If you've had a drink, you can't come over. Period.

And that's you just establishing safe boundaries for your kid. And you know as well as I do, she will hit the roof when you do that right oh yeah yeah the like if you if you were going to run a script by me before you sat down with somebody that you love that's struggling with alcohol or with drugs your previous script of sitting down and going hey man how's it going like i notice you've had this challenge in the past what that does for somebody who's in the throes of a shameful behavior a behavior they're ashamed of nobody wants to be an addict right nobody right you give somebody an avenue out tell me about like i'll tell you about right and it it it can be very quickly get away from the reason we're sitting down here which is i'm worried about your health and it becomes about how you're ungrateful oh you think you're better the whole

thing is deflected right the only way i've ever seen those type of conversations go well and well is very relative. They never just go great. Right. Nobody feels super awesome at the end. Is a very direct and to the point. Mom, I can tell you're drinking a lot. I'm very worried about you. I do not think I'm better than you.

I don't want to go to your funeral yet. If and when you're ready to get help, I'm here. And I love you. And one of those is like, hey, let's talk about it. The other is I am from a position of both feet on the ground anchored into reality. I'm letting you know that I see it and I love you. And when you're ready for support and help, I'll be until then i'm going to draw boundaries yeah you see that you see the difference there yeah i do and one of those is what somebody who struggles with addiction is very very very very very good at often is twisting reality just a little bit,

wiggling out of situations, saying, look over here, look over here. When you take that away, I see you, I know, and I'm here when you're ready. Bye, Felicia. When you lay it out clear, it doesn't give anybody any place to hide, other than they got to come over the top of you. How dare you? That's fine. You can do whatever you want.

Yeah. Right. And maybe even an extra, I know you don't want to be here. And I hate it for you. But you're not asking for my help? Cool. The day you do, I'm here. But until then, boom.

None of this is easy. And I'm sorry, man. Do you have brothers and sisters? I do. Two sisters and a brother. Where are they on this? Yeah, so they, my brother,

still home. He's 10 years younger. He's been in the thick of it. He's obviously seen more of it on a day-to-day basis than I do. He's just kind of fed up and ignores it, puts it to the wayside and is not home as much

as possible. Does that mean he's 21? Why doesn't he move out and get his own place? I know. I'm on him about that. I'm on him about that. That was gone at 18. Well, there's probably a part of him that's been taking care of your mom for a long time. Okay. There's probably a part of him that's been taking care of your mom for a long time. Yeah.

Yeah. That sucks. That sucks. That's a sick circle, man. I hate that. Yeah, it's tough. Sisters? Where are they?

They're in town, too. They're all around, but, you know, they're kind of just living their own lives. Yeah. Okay. Maybe it's a conversation with all four of them.

All four of y'all. Yeah. We've had some, some conversations. I mean, we've tried to do the intervention thing. Um, everybody sit down, try to talk it out, but kind of went the same way I described earlier. Yeah. But they all know,

they all know and they all feel the same way I do. Sorry, man. I guess the only comfort I can give you is there's no easy path out. So if you're looking for like, okay, what's the, that doesn't exist.

Yeah. Yeah. And so it's just kind of like knowing, all right, if I'm going to improve my squat, I've got to just start lifting heavy weights. There's not like an easy way to do it. Similar, if I'm going to keep me and my wife and my child safe,

and I'm going to protect my home, and I'm going to let my mom know when she's ready, I'll be there. Then there's only a hard path forward. Yeah. I hate it for you, brother. If she ever wants to call a show,

I'd be happy to talk to her. She's not going to want to. We had that woman a few weeks ago who called into the show and checked herself into a treatment program i was really really proud of her it's amazing but not everybody's ready for that and again the problem with addiction is it works it keeps the outside pain at bay for a bit and it works until it destroys everything. Sorry, man. But don't ever forget, she doesn't drink because of you.

And you may ask, why won't she get sober for me? That's a whole other conversation. Sorry, my brother. Let me know how the conversation goes, man. I'll be thinking about you. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up deloney here Listen you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out Or chronically stressed at some point in my new book building a non-anxious life

You'll learn the six daily choices that you can make To get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we're back with a new installment of Am I the Problem? Go for it, Kelly. All right, this is from Avery in Needville, Texas. Am I the Problem? My wife and I are expecting our first child in June.

She wants her mother to come stay with us for about a week following the birth. However, I see this as a challenge that the two of us need to overcome together and a private bonding experience for our new family. She tells me this is common and I feel guilt-t tripped for denying her mother's help.

Am I the problem? I think so. Yes. I think he is seeing this problem from one side and not the other. Maybe I'm out to lunch. What do you think? I don't think it's, I don't think given what I know now about bringing a baby home

all i can say is whoa yeah i didn't know about all the gauze and stitches and staples and things and i didn't know about any of that stuff i didn't realize oh you can't just get up and go i didn't know any of that so i'll bring all the help i just think he doesn't know and he's got he's got this romantic notion of they're going to come home and it's going to be this beautiful time and it very well may be but it very well may not be and can we just can we just say this um this has never been a question asked before in human history ever we're that this the fact that this is a thing no other family no cousins no grandmas no moms no dads no it's just us in our little cove and we're going to do this thing together

our bodies aren't designed for that yeah i mean it's, I mean, gosh, it's only been in the what, the last 50, 60 years that we've even done births in the hospital and not at home with the family around. Everybody, everywhere. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, that there was mothers and cousins and sisters and because. Because that's how life happened. Yes. Yeah.

And there was one room in the house. Right. And everybody in the club was there. Everybody. Yeah. And there was one room in the house. Right. And everybody in the club was there. Everybody. Yeah. And so, no, dude. Now, I will say, not everybody in the club gets to come in the delivery. No.

No, no, no. So if mother-in-law's like, I'm going to be, no, no, no, no. Yeah. No. So that's cool. I'm all about that. Right. The delivery is, there's enough people in there, like a thousand, a thousand people.

Yeah. But when it comes to that, like, man, take the help, take the help. And if he is feeling less than, stop. That's ego, dude. That's ego. Yeah. And I think, I don't think he's the problem. I just don't think he has any idea.

And how could you? You can't. You can't have any idea of just take the help because you're going to need it. Be grateful for it and take the time to get some sleep and to pamper your wife a little bit while grandma helps with the baby. And do this. I'm going to offer a radical suggestion to all the husbands out there. If your wife is about to bring a human into into the planet and she says the following two five nine fourteen things would make this better that's not the moment for you to

go i don't think so i actually i think I think that's when you go, got it. I'm on it. Yeah, and I think it would also be different if he said she's going to come stay with us for a month or two months. It was a week. And also, maybe mother-in-law is the worst. The worst! I would say, as the great Taylor Swift says, shake it off.

Move on. You won't remember that first week anyway. No, it's just a blur nobody does you just remember quick glimpses of how great your life used to be right and then you one day will look in a mirror and you'll say all my friends with kids lied to me yep they did they did right after you say i used to be cool no no one said i I've never said those words not one time but yes hey let your mother-in-law come for a week ask your wife

as much as we can imagine because neither of us know first kid what do you think what does it feel like when we get home would be the best thing for you for your healing for this baby baby. What do you think? And go be about making that happen. And if that means getting out the futon for mother-in-law,

get out the futon. And if that means having to go sleep in the garage because mother-in-law's a lot, then make up a pallet in the garage, dude. Enjoy it. Just playing. Don't sleep in the garage. But you know what I mean? So yeah, think you're the problem. Not in a bad way. And just say, we can do all this ourselves. Don't. Don't. Take the help. Take the help. Alright, cool. I think we just solved America, Kelly.

Solving all the problems of the world. That's what we do. That's... Or we create them. Hey, love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Bye.