The Dr. John Delony Show - Should I Invite My Biological Father to My Wedding?

Episode Date: February 21, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: -       A woman unsure if she should invite her dad to her wedding -       A man struggling to like and respect his wife -       A husband ashamed after hiding $60,000 of debt from his wife Next Steps   📞 Ask John a question! Leave a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or click here: https://www.ramseysolutions.com/shows/the-dr-john-delony-show/ask-a-question 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life: https://bit.ly/3EL5ubR 📝 Anxiety Test: https://bit.ly/460QXUp 📚Own Your Past, Change Your Future: https://bit.ly/47q7Skm ❓Questions for Humans Conversation Cards: https://bit.ly/472lIKd 💭John's Free Guided Meditation: https://bit.ly/3MAGpEV ❤️Money & Marriage Event: http://ramseysolutions.com/getaway   Offers From Today's Sponsors   -       10% off your first month of therapy at BetterHelp: https://bit.ly/3seoBCe  -       3 free months of Hallow:  https://www.hallow.com/delony  -       25% off Thorne orders: https://www.thorne.com/u/delony -       Save up to $250 on the Eight Sleep Pod: https://eightsleep.com/delony  -       15% off your Apollo Neuro order: https://apolloneuro.com/pages/delony-lp?utm_source=delony&utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=lander -       Save 20% on Organifi orders: https://protect-us.mimecast.com/s/WDCVCJ692nIQm8xyiVdjH2?domain=organifishop.com [AP1]    Listen to More From Ramsey Network   🎙️ The Ramsey Show 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈EntreLeadership   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.    Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy   Twitter (@johndelony) Instagram (@johndelony) Facebook (facebook.com/johndelony/)

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I love my wife, but I don't like her. All right, tell me things you don't like. Treating other people with disrespect sometimes and her emotional explosiveness is really hard for me to deal with. I know sometimes she'll be like, do you even like me? I'll say, of course I like you, you know, and I love you. Let me tell you, I think therein lies the problem. What's up?

This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Show about your marriage, your mental, emotional health, your workplace, whatever you got going on in your life, your kids' schools, whatever is happening in your world. We're here to walk alongside you, figure out what the next right step is. If you want to be on this show, I'd love to have you. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK or give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. And don't forget, send in those success stories. It's so cool to read those and we're getting a bunch of them so that's awesome. And

we call it cool crap. Cool crap that happened. Cool crap that happened. We want to know all about it, man. Send it to us. You can send that to johndeloney.com slash ask as well. Just put it in the headline note. And don't forget to hit the like button. I like you. Will you like me? This is why America's crumbling.

All right, let's go out to Gillette, Wyoming and talk to Maddie. Hey, Maddie, what's up? Hi, John. How are you? I'm so good. How are you? I'm doing great. Thanks for taking my call. Of course. What's happening? So my question is, I'm getting married May 25th of this year. Okay. And I need to figure out if I should invite my biological father to the wedding or not. All right. Let's dig into it. Tell me all about it. So my mom got pregnant when I was super young. She was, or she was super young. She was 19. And then they were married for six months. It was just kind of, they had me and they thought

they should get married. So then they were married for six months. And then we lived in the same town for quite a while. And you and bio, you and bio dad. Yes. Okay. So when they got divorced, he took off. No, he was in the same town. Okay okay was he in your life so he lived two blocks down and i saw him maybe once every two weeks okay so like i mean but i saw his mom like my grandma all the time okay and so i guess just can we stop for one second maddie i'm sorry to interrupt you i hate that no you're okay i hate that for you. No, you're okay. I hate that for you. Yeah. It wasn't very great. No.

It's still not great. No. It's not. I hate that. Yeah. Just know that that's not the way it's supposed to. I know you know that, but just hear it from a dad who can't breathe without his daughter around. Just know it's not supposed to be like that. There's good dads out there

I'm so sorry It's okay, thank you Alright, get over to my soapbox I'm trying to think of not seeing my daughter But once every two weeks I don't know how you do that And I'm getting married and he's going to be the best dad ever And I can't grasp it

Oh, your husband's going to be the best dad ever? Yes Oh, good. Good. Good for you for breaking that cycle. That's awesome. All right. So we're back to dad here. Okay.

So we lived in the same town for quite a while and then my mom got remarried and now I live in Gillette or I guess we've lived in Gillette and I was probably eight when we moved and he lived over there, but then he would move to like Arizona, like just different. He was a police officer and whatnot. So we would see him, like I would see him once a year, maybe. Like I wouldn't see him very often and he wouldn't really call very often. And so it got to the point where it bothered me a lot. Like the end of high school, beginning of college,

like it ate at me like that. And so I asked him to like, to put in more effort. Like I called him one day and I just said, Hey, like I want to talk. I like, I need my dad in my life. And he said he'd put in more effort, but it never changed. Yeah, of course. What was your relationship like with stepdad? It's great.

Okay. Good guy? Yes, he's a really good guy. That's awesome. Good on him. He's going to be the one that's walking me down the aisle. Good for you. Good for him.

Yep. That's awesome. The data says that stepdads, a rotation of new men in a child's life is really disruptive. But I won't say rare. I don't know if I've got the data to say rare, but the unlikely event that a step-dad comes in and really just fills the gap and just is pretty awesome can make all the difference in the world in a kid. And it sounds like that happened for you, huh?

Yeah. That's awesome. He happened for you, huh? Yeah. That's awesome. He was godsend. It was great. Amazing. Okay. All right. So he's walking you down the aisle.

He's been your dad, but there's been this lingering voice. Why does my own like real dad not love me, not want to be in my life, right? Yeah. Yeah. And so two years ago, I would say, so he has three boys in a different marriage. And I would like, I tried to be and like have a relationship with them. So I went to the oldest boy's graduation and I hadn't seen him in, I don't know how many years.

And he chose to go to his, my oldest, his oldest boy's girlfriend's graduation party over spending time with me. And so that was tough. Yeah. And then, um, like I just, after that, I called him, he got home and, um, we hadn't talked for like, we hadn't talked in two years. And then he called me and he's like, Hey, what's up? It was just randomly out of the blue. And then he's like, um, we hadn't talked for like, we hadn't talked in two years. And then he called me and he's like, Hey, what's up? It was just randomly out of the blue. And then he's like, well, I'm going to this, you should come to it. And then he didn't even spend time with me.

And so my fiance finally got to meet him. He had never met him and he didn't like him. And so, uh, I called him and I was like, this is it. I like, I need you to put in more effort. Like I need you to at least call me like once a week if this is how you, like if you want to be in my life. And he's like, well, you know me. Like I, I'm just not a good communicator. I don't like to make phone calls.

I don't like to text anything. Hold on. Hold on. Let's just stop right there. You know, that's not true, right? Yeah. That's your dad saying, you know me. I've chosen a life that doesn't include you. Yeah.

I'm sorry to say it that blunt and that direct. So what do you seek to gain by inviting him to your wedding? A man who has done everything he can to opt out of your life. I guess I just don't like, what if he comes down like later in my life and says like, I'm sorry for everything that I've ever done. What if I regret that I didn't invite him? Man.

I wish you could be at 30,000 feet from this situation like I am. Cause I'm watching a little girl try to desperately solve a problem that was never hers to solve. A problem she didn't start, a problem she can't finish. And you're so haunted by that question. Why won't my own daddy call me? Dads are supposed to go to weddings, but my own dad doesn't even want to go.

And it sounds like you've been working so hard to try to figure out ways that you could, things that you could do, meaning what is the thing that I need to fix so that he'll finally love me, that he'll finally be in my life? I think the time is on you now to own the fact that there's nothing that's wrong with you. It was him. He chose another family. He chose another life.

And I think you have to actually live in that grief for a while. I think I actually was listening. It's been about a year ago since I listened to one of your episodes and there was like a similar caller and she, I can't remember what it was all, but you told, she ended up blocking her dad. And so immediately after I listened to that, I went and blocked him. I hadn't, like, I didn't talk to him at all. And so immediately after I listened to that, I went and blocked him. I had like, I didn't talk to him at all. And I haven't talked to him since I haven't,

he usually sends me happy birthday, Merry Christmas text. And I, he was blocked. So I didn't get anything. And so have you had peace? Yeah. This last year has been actually really good.

Okay. Then I would say don't invite the dragon. Don't invite the dragon back in. Okay. And I get struggle because I have a really good. Okay. Then I would say don't invite the dragon don't invite the dragon back in. Okay. And I get I just struggle because I have a really good relationship with all

those brothers and sisters and my grandma. You know why? Because they opted into your life. Yeah. They're not cowards. They're great people.

And they made the absolute they made absolute goal out of a really messy situation. And they know the absolute goal out of a really messy situation. And they know no matter how they avoid you, you're always going to be in their life. And so let's get to know Maddie, this amazing woman, this cool little girl, this awesome young woman going off to college, this amazing woman who's about to get married.

And also, let's both be honest. All the aunts and uncles and grandma can't replace dad right that big gaping hole in the middle of your chest yeah yeah i i don't think you open yourself. Let me say it this way. If you go to the doctor and you have cancer, you have a tumor, a cancerous tumor inside your body, they're going to do surgery. They're going to cut you open. They're going to injure you to go inside and get that tumor because that injury, that insult they call it, that injury is going to heal.

And then in the long run, you're going to be better off. You're going to be more healthy. What you're asking to do is, can I cut myself open again for no chance of healing? And I would tell you don't do that. Yeah, that sounds silly. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. I think you have to grieve

the fact that your dad's not going to be at your wedding. And you've heard me a million times. I think there's ways to grieve things by writing letters. I think there's ways

to grieve things. Maybe you write a final letter and send it. Okay. Hey, dad, I'm writing this letter on the eve of my wedding. And every little girl wishes their daddy would walk them down the aisle, and you opted out of my life. Thankfully, another man is standing in your stead where you should be.

And this isn't a retribution letter or I'll show you, because, dude, I'm telling you right now, that is not going to, it's going to, it's hollow, hollow, hollow. It won't feel good. You think it will, and it hollow, hollow, hollow. It won't feel good. You think it will, and it looks good in the movies. It will not feel good. But I think it's a matter of you just simply, you've heard me use the analogy on the show. I'm not carrying these bricks anymore. I got a man who loves me who's going to be an amazing husband, amazing father. I've got a great stepdad who's walking me down the aisle who stepped in the gap that you've left while you are off saving other people in your police job.

Your baby girl is at home wondering what she did. And then I think it's important to let them know, here's who I've become in spite of you. I'm an amazing woman. I'm a person of character. I treat people with dignity. I love so deeply. Super empathetic and compassionate. You missed out. You opted out.

I wish you the best. But there's a process of you owning that. That'll probably be a very painful letter to write, you think? Yeah. Because it's you kind of putting a period at the end of the sentence. Mm-hmm. Yeah. There's no going back after that a period at the end of the sentence. Mm-hmm. Yeah. There's no going back after that.

Well, I don't believe that either. I don't believe that either because I think your dad could show up on your doorstep and then say, Well, you have me back. And you could say, Here's the steps that it would take. Or, Not right now. I'm starting a new marriage, and I don't need the extra drama right now. I'm starting a new marriage and I don't need the extra drama right now. In six months, I'll holla back girl at you and we can figure out what that would look like.

Right. We could do whatever it takes, but I don't believe in forever, but I do believe in dealing in reality. And reality is dad opted out of your life. And all these other wonderful people opted in but the one that really counts opted out and we just have to sit in that together right yeah do you know that you're wonderful? I do. Everyone tells me that.

No, I don't care what other people say. Do you believe it? No, I really do. I believe it. Good. Good. Good. I think your mission now is how do you set these bricks down?

What's the process going to be? And maybe your husband can walk, can sit with you and say, okay, I'm going to live in reality. I'm going to choose reality here. I'm going to set this down. My dad opted out. He opted out. But you opted in. Stepdad opted in. Mom's still here. Aunts and uncles are here. Awesome. I'm going to live in that reality. In the future, let's pretend that he circles back and wants to be a part of your life. And 10 years from now, you have a great relationship with him, which by the way, statistically speaking, you won't, right? So I think it's best to let that fantasy go. Then he's going to live in the guilt that he didn't show up to your wedding, not you, because you were just dealing with reality right in front

of you. So grateful for the call. We're with you, Maddie. Call anytime and congratulations on your new wedding. We wish you the absolute best. We'll be right back. It's time to talk about Organifi. All right, here's one of my main life goals. I want to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible. I want to be that old semi balding guy in the back of the mosh pit. And I also want to be that old guy dancing with his beautiful wife into my 80s. And I want to be able to roll around with my grandkids and some WWE style wrestling match into my 90s.

And that's why right now I exercise, I work on my friendships, and I try to eat and drink things that only have safe, high quality, high integrity ingredients. And this is why I love Organifi. They're incredibly selective about what goes into their whole food blends. And Organifi gives you ingredients with integrity, plant-based, certified organic, vegan, dairy-free, soy-free, and glyphosate residue-free. By the way, that's a pesticide you don't want anywhere near you. And it's simple to get the health benefits with Organifi. You just mix with water or your favorite beverage and drink it down. You can take their green juice first thing in the morning to balance stress and get

ready for your day. And you can take Organifi Red Juice in the afternoon or before a workout for natural sustained energy and endurance. And I love my happy drops every day for natural mood support with saffron extract. Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney right now to save 20% off at checkout with code Deloney. That's Organifi, O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I.com slash DELONI and code DELONI for 20% off. All right, we are back. Let's go out to Pittsburgh and talk to John. What's up, John? Hey, John, how's it going? Partying, dude. What are you up to? Oh, you know, I just have some days off right now from the job job But I'm just at home trying to get some stuff done Awesome, what's up? Yeah, I've listened to your show for a long time

There was a caller a couple weeks ago, maybe a month ago That they were in a situation similar to me Only they were 30 years down the road So I thought I'd call in and just pose my question And see what you got for me 30 years down the road, you you, you see like, Oh, we're going to end up right there. Yeah. Yeah.

Kind of like they were speaking directly to me through their call and they weren't 30 years into the marriage. Right. So, um, I've come to the realization last year or so that like, I love my wife, but I don't like her, um, a lot, a lot of the time. And, um, it's just come to a really hard realization for me that there's a lot about her that I don't like. Um, we've been married about seven years ago on eight and there's just times when I'm looking in the mirror, like what the heck? Um, so a little quick background, I guess, um, I was army. I was deployed a lot, uh, when we were first buried.

And then we had our son during COVID. And then since then I've gone to the airlines and I'm an airline pilot now. So I've gone a lot of the time. And, uh, when I come home is the hardest time I have as far as liking her. Um, you know, when she suggests like, Hey, let's go on a date night, or let's go do this inside. I like cringe a little bit and I don't, don't really know why or what to do about it. All right. Tell me the things you don't like. Let's be specific. Sure. One of the biggest things for me is she doesn't listen. Something as simple as

we're driving down the road and I need to say like, hey, I need to stop for gas. Do you want anything when we stop? And then when we go to stop at the gas station, she's like, why are we stopping? And then to more specific, you know, deeper things to

we're having a conversation about something and a day later it's she's asking questions that we already talked about and it's like you you didn't hear me when we were talking um another thing is like her explosion emotional explosiveness um sometimes where she'll just like lash out. A lot of times it's when she's overstimulated by either her son or in public. And sometimes it's on to other people. One example would be, we were at a museum

and she didn't download the app that we needed to to get into the museum. And when they asked her about the app, she like lashed out at the person asking her for the app that we needed to to get into the museum. And when they asked her about the app, she like lashed out at the person asking her for the app. So really it's like the treating other people with disrespect sometimes and her emotional explosiveness is really hard for me to deal with. And then I find myself becoming overly critical of her in certain situations, just because there is contempt there. And I do get frustrated with that. So yeah.

Does she like you? Does she like me? Yes, she likes me. No, no, she loves you. Does she like you? Yes. Okay. Does she know that you don't like her? She suspects it I guarantee you she does Whether she can verbalize it or not, she knows

Yeah I know sometimes she'll be like Do you even like me? And of course I'll say, of course I like you And I love you Let me tell you, I think therein lies the problem What you're experiencing I want to tell you this, and I love you and all that. Let me tell you, I think therein lies the problem. And here's like what you're experiencing.

I want to tell you this. You're not crazy. Okay. It's not a weird thing or you're not dysfunctional or broken that there are seasons when you don't like your wife. What you, you said it perfectly. You're past that. You've reached a point where I don't like you just all the time.

I don't like that person. Yeah. Right. Like, I don't like the person that is in the house i don't want to spend time with this person because i don't know if you're gonna treat the waitress ugly or not right or i don't know if you're even listening when i talk to you yeah and so the response is you pull away a little bit which sets off every alarm system she has, which just magnifies these behaviors. Because the behaviors you're talking about are shame behaviors, they're coping behaviors, they're immaturity behaviors. And all of that, those things are solved with connection over time. And see how it gets in this weird dance?

Yeah. And she knows, oh gosh, I didn't get the app. Here comes the lecture and then she snaps at somebody 100 on her she's got to deal with that but um the challenge is she's not on the phone so i can just talk to you fair fair all right the challenge i think is before you is you have to tell your wife the truth and i would say say any more lingering with not telling the truth is cruel because you're watching your wife decompensate right in front of you. She's spitting out right in front of you.

Yeah, I understand. Fair. And then the fantasy of it's all better when I'm on the road, it's not, but it begins to feel that way, right? And that leads to fantasies about, I'm just going to stay over. If I could just not be here, everything would be great. Yeah. All right.

Yeah, because there was a period of like two months where I didn't work. Um, I was on call and they just never called. So I was at home all the time and it was great. But at the same time, you know, I felt this need to go to work. Um,

well, yeah, it's because you're a, you're a provider. I don't do well. I like working. I don't do well just sitting at home stewing. Like, oh, we got 10 days off. I'm like,

and it's not because I don't love my family. I love being around my family. My family is hilarious. It's just a group of chaos. I love it. But I love, like, love, love, love working. Right? I love it. And so that's not, I don't love working

at the expense of liking my wife though, but I do think you're at a place where you have to sit down and say, I, I am struggling with how you treat people in public to the point that I don't want to be around you anymore. You asked me if I, if I love you, absolutely.

To the end of time, I'm, I'm struggling with liking you right now. Yeah. Cause it definitely pours over to like, you know, sexual attraction. Of course it does. Physical attraction. Everything.

Yeah, it's not that she's not attractive. I mean, we work out all the time and everything. It doesn't matter. It's more of that emotional connection. That's right. Attraction is so much more than physical. No question about it. Absolutely.

But she knows you don't like her, whether she intellectually knows that or she feels it. And she needs you to be honest about it absolutely but she knows you don't like her whether she intellectually knows that or if she feels it and she needs you to be honest about it yeah and i think it's going to require you to be very specific and it's going to require you to set it up hey we need to have a really hard conversation like a uh um like a state of the union of our marriage right now. And by the way, I said earlier, year seven to 10, this is a season. It's a messy season. I don't know a couple that hasn't gone through

some sort of existential, why are we doing this? Is this the right person? I don't even like this person. I'm not attracted to this person. It doesn't go through a series of deep, hard questioning during that seven to 10 year mark. That's what I hear. Year seven, eight, nine to 10 is one of the hardest seasons.

It's hard. It's a tough season. Yeah. And a lot of it is you settle into these routines. Your life has unintentionally so just become the life you have. Right? And your wife is also imagining, wow, I'm just going to have a life where my husband's gone all the time.

I'm going to have a life where fill in the blank, X, Y, and Z, X, Y, and Z, X, Y, and Z. I'm going to have a life where I always have to be thinking about every detail because my husband's not here. And then when husband just shows up and starts talking, her head's still in the cloud, still thinking about details, thinking about this, thinking about this. But I think it's fair for you to sit down and say, when I talk, you don't even listen to me. Yeah. Or probably a better way to say that, don't say it like that.

Actually, because that's accusation. I would sit down and say, I feel like I talked to you and you don't hear what I have to say. And I feel that you are uninterested in the things coming out of my mouth. Yeah. And that is usually met with a layer of huge defensiveness, um, coming from her. Um, and that's part of the not listening thing, right? When I talk to her, it's immediately defense mode. All the behaviors you're telling me sounds like she is on permanent defense. And you know enough, hopefully you know enough about, I say hopefully, who cares? Like in football, if the team is on defense all the time, they start wearing down.

Right. Right? You have to get on offense to get some momentum going the other way. And the lashing out to somebody because she forgot something, the you say, hey, I feel this way and she immediately internalizes that as criticism

and comes throwing grenades back to you. That's defense, defense, defense, defense. And I think it's important to call that at the front of the conversation. Not going to engage in a fight with you.

I'm asking, I'm inviting you into a very hard conversation about the state of our marriage. Yeah. And tell her at the front, on the front, if you want to fight, I'm going to get up and I'm going to walk away from the table because I don't want to fight you right now. I need to tell you what I'm experiencing in this. And then if we need to take a day, two days, three days for you to process it, where you don't feel like you have to lash and come back, cool. But I don't want to just go in a loopity, loopity, loopity loop. And then I said all the things and nothing has changed. And I think it's really fair, John, for you to lead the question, lead the conversation with the only person you can change, is you and that is i want to

become more likable i do like you yeah but i feel like you don't even listen to me and i feel like when i ask you a question like at the museum you just take it out on some stranger who hadn't you didn't do anything and i don't feel comfortable being around somebody who is volatile who goes off on strangers who isn't just a joyful person to be around, and that means I'm bringing an energy into this home that is not joyful, and I want to bring that home. I want you to be excited when I come home, and that means I'm not likable.

What can I do to help that? And now what you've done is you've provided an invitation. Yes, she can still choose to hear it as accusation and go to war with you. That's fair. It's not fair, but that's, I mean, that could happen. No question about that. And then I think there's a harder question.

If she can't sit down at the table like an adult and have a hard, direct conversation, then you can go ask her if she wants to go see a therapist who can work that way. Set some ground rules and basically you have a neutral third party at that conversation. Or you have a harder question

which is asking yourself and her, is this marriage, are we going to stop being married? Because I can't continue to be married in this way. I can't continue to be married in this way. I can't continue to be married to somebody who is not excited, is not interested in me coming home, who treats the least of these in our communities like crap, who doesn't honor people, who doesn't, not respectful,

who fill in the blank, fill in the blank, fill in the blank. And she's probably going to come back with you, man. Be like, well, I've got some things that I, cool. Let's have that grown up conversation. Maybe you write her a letter. It says, I love you. I love you. I love you. And the state of things is really messy.

I want to invite you into a hard conversation. A conversation where we're not going to fight. Maybe you write that in a letter and she can hear it that way. But set it up on the front end. Open your hands. Go into it very open-handed with the idea, I want to learn how I can become more likable,

more warm, more of a safe presence here at this house. A protector, a provider, somebody who is worthy of being anchored into. Because right now, all of your defense is telling me I'm not. Give her that shot. Let me know how that conversation goes, man. And if you two ever want to call together,

I would love that conversation as well. It would be amazing. Appreciate you, brother. We'll be right back. All right, let's go out to Manchester United. Just kidding new hampshire and talk to jacob's ladder what's up jacob hey dr john how's it going good my man what's happening hey so i'll just jump to it um my wife and i have been married for 22 years and end of September last year, I came clean to her that I had amassed about $60,000 in unsecured debt that she didn't know about. She's forgiven me for that.

But every time that some kind of money conversation comes up, something gets tight. I still get super anxious, super angry, a lot of shame, and I'm just really not sure what to do with it. Yeah, why haven't you forgiven you, man? Because I feel like an idiot. Yeah. But because you haven't

taken the steps to forgive yourself, you're just dragging this whole thing into the mud again. Because at some point, you're going to have whole thing into the mud again. Because at some point, you're going to have to deal with how shameful you feel all the time, right? Right. You're just going to move from one numbing behavior to another. The last one was spending money.

The next one's going to be a drink or a woman at work. Yeah, that makes sense. Because this was the, this is, the spending money was not the original issue. No. What was it? Oh, it started off with pornography.

Then there was food. And then now the money issue. Hold on, dude. Why don't you like you? You've never liked you. Why? I don't know. Tell me about it.

You know, you have a list of reasons why you're pretty worthless. Why your life sucks. Why? What is it? I've just never really felt like I have measured up to the expectations of myself or what other people have for me, I guess. Who's these other people? Well, it would be people I work with, people I go to church with, would have been my parents growing up, kids at school, stuff like that. I just always felt like I was second best.

Yeah. Did your dad ever tell you he was proud of you? Not until his deathbed. Hmm. Tell me about that. Uh, he was pretty much a present but absent father. Almost my entire childhood. We never really got along at all. And then, uh, 2017, he came down with stage four cancer and we had a great six months of spending time with him and him finally being an open, normal human being. And then he passed away in that November.

What about mom? Is mom ever proud of you? Yes. My mom is very proud of me. She's unfortunately probably for her had to carry both of those parenting roles for me. Is your wife proud of you? I don't know. Is she pretty critical of you? Or let me ask it this way in a weird way, did you marry your dad?

I don't think so. I'm fishing a little bit here, but go with me. You've heard the old marriage, you marry your unfinished business. So if you grow up chasing i will i will achieve enough i'll do the thing the right way so that you will finally love me and you chase it and you chase it and you chase it for some strange reason we're attracted to people that make us chase and not chase like in sometimes in big supernatural ways but i mean just in little ways i just want that glance i just wanted to touch my hand i just wanted to squeeze it just a little bit i want to get done speaking like doing announcements at church or speaking at an event i want to just i want her to look at me with that look it's like yeah and over time you end up your body is still trying to solve that question am i enough can i do the thing that

you'll finally love me and so when i say did you marry your dad that's what i'm saying totally different person yeah but right did you marry somebody who's critical always has a moving a moving standard a moving target that you're always chasing never going to get it never going to get it never going to get it and your body just becomes so unhappy in the world that you've created for yourself or allowed to be created that pornography money alcohol whatever the thing is i've got to feel alive somewhere because i'm dead in my home yeah i don't know if i've ever really thought that through i mean i definitely spent the first 10 to 15 years of our marriage um where i would put it as being codependent

kind of chasing after and trying to make sure that everything was right all the time um and in the last probably five to seven years, I've really done some work to try to have my inner locus of control be me and not her. And the part of that conversation that often gets left out is this. She was somebody who received your chasing. That was her source of energy, her source of power in that relationship. Well, she took the sword and tapped you on either shoulder.

Good enough or not good enough. And then suddenly five years ago, you alter the dynamic and begin to say, you know what? I don't need to take a knee before this for your approval on all this stuff. And if she doesn't join you in that, then what you have is a dynamic in a home that is scrambling for homeostasis.

She wants her power back. And you are trying to figure out how to stand up on both feet. Right. And so often what we don't talk about is is like don't be codependent all right cool when you alter the dynamic of a codependent relationship the other person is starved of oxygen now right and the criticism gets louder and more sharp or they just don't even they don't bridge the gap and so suddenly like you were connected you were connected in their world now you're not

codependent anymore and you are all freaking alone does that ring true yeah i mean i would say that that has definitely i've definitely watched that uh struggle for my wife to figure out the new what i don't know if i would say new normal, but yeah, that, I mean, it's, it's getting better because we've got both of us into therapy together. Um, but yeah, that, that definitely has been part of the process of, you know, I'm becoming probably a different person you can't stop avoidant behaviors that are killing you because you think you're a piece of crap for doing them. Because at some point, the behavior is covering over the fact. It is wallpapering over that dislike for yourself that not enough

the only way you're going to get long-term relief and not just move on to something else and not white knuckle every bit of your life this is exhausting right yeah it's exhausting the only way is if you look in the mirror and you look at that guy Jacob and say, I like that guy. That guy's worth laughing a lot. That guy's worth not owning but any money. That guy's worth telling the truth

because who freaking cares? If you don't like it, you don't like it. See what I'm saying? You can hear my voice. And I'm not saying? Like you can hear in my voice, and I'm not even trying to be dramatic. My whole voice changes because one of those things is peace. But you can only have peace

when you know that you're loved and you know that you're worth being loved. And when you look in the mirror and be like, I'm all right. I like that guy. You may have heard me say this on the show. I had a counselor challenge me hard. And it was one of the most embarrassing, brutal counseling sessions I've ever been in.

But she made me put my... She didn't make me, but she walked me through putting my fist in my chest and saying the words, I love this guy in a mirror. And I couldn't do it, man. Could you do that? I would feel really dumb. Say it. I love this guy.

Yeah. No, you asked that. He just asked a question. Yeah, nice try, dude. Yeah. No, say it. My name is Jacob. My name is Jacob. And I love this guy. And I love this guy. And I love this guy. That's hard to say, isn't it?

Yeah. Doesn't feel real. That's right. Feels like you're lying. That is that little boy on a treadmill who's 10 years old, still wondering, Dad, do you love me now? Do you love me now? Do you love me now? And thank God you got some resolution there.

But by then, you'd already handed the baton off to somebody else. And by the way, it's not just your wife. You hand it to your coworkers. You hand it to people at church. You hand it to everybody except to the only person that matters, and that's Jacob. Yeah. So I'll tell you,

man, until you forgive Jacob, the anxiousness is right. Let me say it that way. The anxiety you feel, it's right. It's right. Because your body knows it's not safe.

Jacob's not trustworthy yet. Because Jacob's not a piece yet. That's something that happens over time where you build, like you would build trust with a relationship with somebody else. You're building trust with the relationship with yourself?

Or is that just a mindset shift? No, dude, you just nailed it. If you don't trust Jacob, who in the world can you trust? And you have a history of not being honest with Jacob. I'm never looking at pornography again. Never. Boom.

Three hours later. I'm done. I'm going to get this credit card paid off and I'm just done. Boom. On to the next one. You are deceiving your wife, right? You're deceiving people at work. You're deceiving your friends, whatever? You're deceiving people at work. You're deceiving your friends, whatever.

The person you're lying to is Jacob. Because Jacob internally knows with that fist in his chest, looking at himself in the mirror, you can't do crap. So, yeah, your mission is I want to be somebody that Jacob trusts. Because Jacob's worth that, man. And you see how it all works together? Just like a loop, man. Yeah.

If Jacob's not even worth telling the truth to, then who cares, dude? I'm just going to go buy something else. If I can never please my wife, and that is the source, that's the reason I wake up every day, that's why cortisol courses through my veins because I need the energy to please this woman, and I can never please her, then eventually,

your body just shuts the system down. Does that make sense? It does. But if suddenly Jacob's like, no, no, no, I'm worth forgiving too. I screwed up. That was the third time I screwed up. And I'm a guy that always tells the truth. That's my identity.

That's who I am. I'm going to reverse engineer that. What must be true for me to always tell the truth? I'm going to have to learn how to have some uncomfortable conversations. conversations i'm gonna have to set up a regular weekly meeting with my wife and it's going to be called uncomfortable conversations with jacob right i'm gonna start practicing that because i'm a guy who always tells the truth i'm a guy who does not run from feelings. I head straight into them. And those three things you've mentioned are all numbing behaviors.

They're Xanaxes. And you're a guy from this point forward, who's going to head straight into that. Why in the world is my body trying to protect me by buying something that I can't afford? Why in the world is my body trying to protect me by watching other people have the sex I could be having right now

if I was just reached across the aisle and grabbed my wife's hand? Why is my body trying to protect me from why do I feel like I'm dying inside? Like, let's go straight into that and solve that problem there. You see what I'm saying? Like one of those is so much more empowering

and the other is the world just happening to me. Right. And so, no, I don't, it's not like, I've got to get the right mindset. I mean, that's some of it. You got to go snap into a slim gym. I mean, yeah, exercise is good for you. This is about going all the way to the core.

Jacob's worth being loved. Jacob's worth telling the truth to. And Jacob's worth not chasing other people's for his approval. Right. How does that sound? Does that sound awesome or does that sound daunting? I would say yes and yes. It both right yeah i mean i just i just finished reading uh i don't want to talk about it um did it nail you a book it felt like a biography right yeah dude man um so you're you're echoing a lot of the same things that I just finished reading in that. Yes. But you have to believe it. Right.

And I would recommend Dr. Real's follow-up book. It's fantastic because it kind of operationalizes, okay, now what do I do? How do I deal with this but i think at the core is my dad was going through what my dad was going through right and i didn't get it i got the very very end man but i didn't i didn't get it when i needed it my wife for she had the the tools in her toolkit up until now, and I've been chasing and chasing and chasing. I'm done with that. And then you have to ask yourself that one terrifying question.

What am I going to do now? Right. I'm going to love Jacob. I'm going to honor that guy. And by the way, when you begin to do that, it's going to dysregulate your wife for a season. But what you're going to be, what you're going to become, and really in short order,

this isn't like, we're not talking years, we're talking weeks, we're talking months. You're going to become something that she's never had, which is someone she can anchor into. And then she gets to go ask herself some hard questions. Why? Why do I withhold love? Why do I dangle, I'm proud of you, and then I move it and I move it and I move it?

Why do I treat the person that I love more than anybody else in the world that way? And what you can say at that point is, I'm right here. You're anchored in. I'll go with you as you figure out that adventure. Right? But you can't do that right now. Right. And by the way, I say all that to say, when my wife and I had one of our hey, we can't keep going on like this

conversations, I'll never forget being so embarrassed, weeping at a table, crying. And I looked at my wife and I said, I just need you to say you're proud of me. She was like, what? Of course, I mean, look at all this amazing stuff you've done. I said, yeah, but you never say it. She goes, I didn't know I needed to say it.

And then last year I had her come out on a stage and the first word she said in front of the whole audience was, I'm so proud of you. But I had to give her the tools. I had to give her a key to the lock that was inside of my chest. Here's what I need. I need you to say the words, I'm proud of you. I need you to say the words, I love you, and I'm very, very tired right now, and it feels like I'm withdrawing. I'm not. I need you to say the words I'm proud of you. I need you to say the words I love you and I'm very, very tired right now

and it feels like I'm withdrawing. I'm not. I'm just exhausted. And that was a gift to her and vice versa. She gave me the things that she needed. Right. But I could only get there when I believe, no, Deloney, you're worth being loved.

And Jacob, I'm telling you right now, I don't lie on this show. I lie all the other time, but it's not here. I want you to go get off this call and go into the bathroom. And I want you to make a fist and put it in your chest. And I want you to look in the mirror and say it five or six times. Look yourself dead in the eye and say, I love this guy and this guy is worth telling the truth to

and this guy is worth taking care of and this guy is worth exercising this guy is worth never fudging the truth even a little bit because I don't care this guy is worth dealing with those crazy, intense feelings. It's a love this guy. My guess is, Jacob, that you spent your whole life

taking care of other people, making sure everybody else around you is okay. I want you to take that same energy and that same capacity for love. Look in the mirror, do the things that you need to do to make yourself feel safe and loved so that you can go do the work

that a husband's got to do. You're worth every step of the way. Hang on the line here. I'm going to send you building a non-anxious life and own your past, change your future. It's my gift to you, my brother. Call anytime. I'm with you. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious

or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, the song is by maybe my favorite new band name, the Nicotine Dolls. Is this a new band?

I've never heard of them, but I just love that name. They're not overly new, but they're just starting to gain some popularity. Gotcha. Yeah, they're a great band. I believe they're from Sweden. Okay, Sweden.

They have a really very cool sound. Awesome. The song is called How Do You Love Me? And if you've got kids in the room and you're like, let's listen to it, just get through the first verse and then jam it. It get through the first verse. And then jam it.

It goes like this. If I call you up at 2 a.m. and I'm feeling sad and lonely again, I know you wouldn't be cruel. You just sit there and listen. If I cried and said I'm terrified that I'm getting close to the day I die, you'd just shake your head and you'd tell me to go home. And it's true that I'm probably not worth the battery life. Why do you still stick around or let me stay the night? I couldn't figure it out.

If you wrote it all down, please write it down. How do you love me right now? I think that's a question way too many people are asking. How do you love me? I'll tell you, because you're worth it. Love you guys. See you soon.