The Dr. John Delony Show - Should I Let My Wife Have Male Friends?

Episode Date: August 6, 2025

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Big news. New dates for money and marriage getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend, 2026. Get tickets at ramsysolutions.com slash events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee. About a year and a half ago, my wife had an emotional affair. Did she ever sit down and say, I feel abandoned? He cried to me for probably a year. Okay. Where were you?

I didn't intentionally not hear it at the time. I just thought I was doing what a man's supposed to do. A man's supposed to listen to his crying wife. What up? What's up? This is John, with the Dr. John DeLone's show. Taking your calls from all over the planet. Real people going through real challenges.

Talking about your mental and emotional health and your marriage and whatever else you got going on. your kids, your life. If you want to be on the show, go to John Deloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. And Kelly will hollaback girl

because she is a hollaback girl. And we'll get you on the show. I am not. That's a B-A-A-N-A-N-A-S. I ain't no hollabat girl. If y'all only knew. If y'all only knew. It's got to Fresno, California,

and talk to Andrew. What's up, Andrew? John, how we doing? I'm doing all right, brother. How about you, man? This is wild. It is wild. What's up with you?

A lot. I got a lot going on. I'm just, it's just kind of crazy how I ended up on this show. I've been listening to you for a long time. Well, I'm glad you're here, man. It's not like you're sitting in your car. Yeah. Can you hear me well?

Oh, yeah, I can hear you great. It sounds like you pulled over on the side of the road, and you're just like at the end of the rope. You're doing good? I am at the end of my rope. All right, let it rip, man. So to give you some context on this, give you a 20-second synopsis, I've been married about eight years, three kids.

My wife was raised by a mother who was a firefighter. Dad stayed home. So my wife grew up seeing, you know, her mom had 90% of her coworkers were male and most of her friends were male. contrast that with my upbringing my parents ended their marriage got divorced because of an affair I have seen friends have affairs aunts uncles you name it anyone and everyone I feel like everyone's having an affair and so all this is the good context of one of the biggest fights in our marriage has always been how do you have boundaries with the opposite sex I have always

And my wife, the standpoint she has come from is she has felt controlled like I'm behaving like a father. And I have always come from the standpoint of how do you not value our marriage enough to keep it safe? Does that make sense? 100%. So the context of this is to say about a year and a half ago, I found out my wife had had or was having an emotional affair. Okay. And for me at the time, it came out of nowhere. It blindsided me.

And I was, and it touched the nerve because it was in this area that we've always struggled with and I've always been very anxious about is the boundaries, right? And so for her, though, she, She said she had felt abandoned for about a year, year and a half prior. It wasn't out of nowhere. I just didn't see it. Been working with the emotional affair for about a year. We were at the point of probably separating this last December.

But also kind of getting over at the same time. I know that probably sounds confusing. No, not at all. It's a mess, dude. It's like throwing a... A grenade in a living room, man. You don't, I mean, just stuff everywhere. Well, I guess what I should say is after the year of kind of thinking about the emotional affair,

I started seeing where, not that I had deserved and was responsible for the actions she took, but where I had let a gap creep into our marriage. But hold on, back up. Did she ever, in that 18 months when she felt abandoned, sit down and say, I feel abandoned? He cried to me for probably a year, John. Okay. Where were you? Are you there? You know, yeah, I was thinking, you know, John, honestly, it's hard to...

Because the way you painted that was, it came out of nowhere. But she'd been crying for you for a year saying, where's my husband? And you're like, that's good. It came out of nowhere in the sense of, I guess I had this view of I'm doing what a man's supposed to do I go to work I provide I I you know I work hard I've made a lot of money I've given up my dreams to make sure my kids can eat can have a roof over their head and and what she has said over and over

and this is what I say I can hear now and then I didn't I didn't intentionally not hear it at the time I just thought I was doing what a man's supposed to do is a man's supposed to listen to his crying wife yeah that's what she says yeah a man is supposed to respond to his crying wife but

I mean and by the way bro I've been there too there's a hard lesson to learn okay I've been there several times the painful lesson to learn it is it is it is

now describe this emotional affair for me because that means so many different things to so many different people well the reason I say it was serendipitous me getting on your call was last week I reached out Monday

I had been thinking about reaching out to you for probably a year John I mean that and then Monday I reach out in the morning to your show Monday night my wife sits me down and told me that it had not been an emotional affair that it had been a physical affair there you go and that's why you haven't had a settled spirit for a year

because your body knows the air is not clean in that house when she told me I had two instant reactions I had I started sitting there and I started just saying no no no as if me saying the words was going to make it rewind to not be true anymore and the second was I knew it I don't feel crazy anymore yes

and I'm gonna challenge what you just told me that no no no was you squashed yourself that was you talking to you talking to you because in your guts you've known John, I looked her in the eyes so many times in the last The physical affair didn't happen until five months ago

So the emotional affair So it continued after all I talked and resettled everything, right? So it continued That it stopped And then it picked back up as we You know, probably two months before the physical happened And then the and then be lying

you know and then hiding it for the next five months and honestly John we were talking about separating two weeks before she told me two weeks ago up until two weeks ago and the one thing I looked at her and I told her we were talking about what boundaries

would look like and separating and I said if you all I need to know is if you ever cheat on me I need to know because I can I can't live with that And so she lets you know, can you live with it? You know, John, this has been one of my biggest struggles, because the second I found out, I was hurt more than I have ever been hurt in my entire life, John.

But at the same time, I was more afraid of losing hurt. I don't think that's right. And tell me if I'm wrong, okay? I think you're scared of losing, like, the reality of, for whatever, I mean, what I'm hearing through your whole narrative here is you have a whole history of people letting you down. and you have a whole history of you believing that you let yourself down and you swore to yourself you were going to be the one that was different and you've laid in bed at night next to her while she's sleeping knowing there's something on on something in the air isn't right

and you can't wrap your head around only seeing those three kids 50% of the time I don't think this has to do with her because I get a lot of grief for this dude I'll give some but I get emotional affairs I get them I get crushes I get that and but somebody calls it out and we sit down and we talk and we have it out and we have this hey you weren't here for me for 18 months I sobbed for you for a year and you say my God I'm so sorry I missed it I thought I was doing right by you and here we are in this emotional affair did not become a physical affair and it was a huge alarm system in our house and we got it and we're back and then she started texting him again and then she started sleeping

with him like the pain on top of that bro is like that's a that's not just an oh my gosh in here how do we find herself here that is a willful yeah i don't care i'm a spit my husband's face he's not going anywhere. Yeah, she's said as much. Yeah, I'm heartbroken, brother. I'm sorry that happened to you. Well, I take that back. She hasn't, she...

No, she has, but they're actions. She didn't have to say nothing. That's true. And, dude, maybe. Maybe you're... It's just her. Maybe you love her to the moon and back, and you realize I made these big proclamations.

If you ever, I'm gonna... And then it happens, you realize, okay I'm not and you're free to bro I'm not telling you what to do you're free to do with what you want you're free to do whatever you want you're a grown man

you got three kids you're married you can do what you want but your hurt is right and for some reason it feels like a double dose of hurt it feels like a hurt and then I'm spitting in your face too y'all are actively healing

from the emotional affair right yeah and you're trying to be a more engaged husband you're trying to be plugged in you're trying to do the right things you're trying to listen to her more i didn't do that very well john if i'm being honest okay that's what makes it really confusing for me there's nothing confusing about it it's just deciding what y'all want to do next because the more you try to rewind what happened the fact is your wife she wouldn't slept with somebody else is what it is and so y'all get to decide what are we going to do next does she want to stay with you she wanted to separate prior to the physical affair because she hadn't felt seen and heard for a long time okay he feels similar now okay okay the

I would say she feels a glimmer of hope in the sense of in the sense of feeling like we circled. I don't know how to say this well, John, but we've circled what it was supposed to be so many times. Like it's not like we were trying. to make things work and we missed the mark and it was just like okay there's no there's no avenue where we see this fitting there was just there's so many moments and times and and and periods where

it where it felt like this is how it's supposed to feel i here's the deal i don't care about your feelings right now or hers because both of y'all's feelings are not good proxies for truth or reality like the question before you is are you all going to do the hard work to learn to trust each other again her trust you that when she has emotional challenges that you'll put down your stupid phone and you'll stop working on the next deal

or whatever you do at work and you'll be present with your wife and you're going to have to decide whether she can she's going to have to decide whether she can stop hanging out with guys all the time and making you gaslighting you and making you feel stupid about it stop sleeping with other men stop texting topless pictures to other men i don't know what she's doing she didn't do that that you know of yeah right and so

the question you're going to have to ask is can i trust her and if I put a roadmap down that is a roadmap for her to rebuild trust with me will she commit to that roadmap? That's what's before you. And maybe she feels a glimmer of hope because

she finally pulled the pin on your old marriage and it's in ash now and maybe it was exhausting trying to keep that house of cards up and the house of cards over and now maybe I'll want to build something with concrete and wood and bolts

that's going to hold. I can see there being some hope there but y'all gonna have to reestablish trust with each other you emotionally and her physically what does that roadmap look like john you get to decide i can't give that to you sometimes it is i want to see every single text message you've sent you cannot go hang out with other dudes without me anymore i don't want to see you texting another grown man and if she doesn't accept it then you get to say i can't rebuild trust with you And she gets to look at you and say, when I walk in the door, I want your phone to be down.

I want you to see the whites of your eyes. I want you to look at me and say, you're beautiful. I'm glad you're home. And you have to get to say, actually, I think this deal is more important than you. Actually, I think finishing this report for work and getting one more thing done is more important than the kids. You get to decide that. I guess what I don't understand, John, is how to say that without going back into... how do i say that without her feeling like i'm the dad again you can't she gets to make up

whatever bull crap story she wants you can't you can't make her not feel a thing she gets to choose that because here's the gross truth you were right your intuition was right and she made you feel stupid for watching a whole bunch of marriages burned down around you your whole whole life and for you creating some boundaries that you knew intuitively. These were like OG grandma wisdom things. Hey, if you hang out with a bunch of dudes, you might sleep with one of them. Or vice versa, hey, you don't have a bunch of friends that are guys. They all would sleep with you if you would sleep with them.

No, uh, yeah, they would. You know that. And you put it down and she made you feel stupid for that boundary. And then here we are. so she can choose to look at your map that you say hey this is what it's going to take for me to trust you again enough to build something new with you and she can say well that makes me feel like you're trying to be my dad okay then she is choosing to leave but you can't control how she feels so there's nothing in terms of agreement and I guess I struggle to, how does that, how do you set a boundary versus an agreement

versus just, okay, I can't live this way? Dude, you're over-intellectualizing it. You don't want to deal with it. Andrew, bro, you don't want to deal with this, and I get it, it's painful, but you've got to deal with it. When you start trying to, like, what does this word mean?

What does this word mean? Dude, you're just trying to circle the wagon. You don't want to go right through the middle of it. telling you the only way through this is right through the middle of it and the action for you is to sit down with a yellow pad and a pen and write out what must be true for her to regain your trust over time and write down here's what is true about how you begged me for 18 months to hear my emotional cries and I ignored you for the next deal I annoyed our kids because I was making money

and you're going to put that roadmap down in front of her if after writing all that stuff down you say I want to continue this marriage but I want you to get with a friend or get with a counselor and ask yourself honestly do you want to be married to her and rebuild a life with her or are you more ashamed and afraid

of becoming yet another family statistic because if you're trying to duct tape over that shame, and that holding your head out holding your head down you're trying to duct tape over that by no no no it's going to be fine it's going to be cool man you're going to be right back in the same boat but if you say no no no i chose you and i love you i'm going to rebuild this thing i'm going to treat you with integrity and i'm going to be honest and clear as kind i'm going to be very clear that's the next masculine masculine thing masculinity is not always packing up and running in fact it usually is standing your ground and walking straight through the middle of a mess

so that's the best i can offer you if you're ruminating man that's usually your body trying to as bernay brown says dress rehearse tragedy instead of just dealing with what's in front of you my challenge for you is to stop parsing what's a boundary and what's it just take action and it may be that for the last two years she's been begging you will you take action it's your move my brother let me know how it goes when we come back a woman asks how to discuss work and finances with her husband. This show is sponsored by Better Help. Life can be a mess. Work can be stressful. And when these collide, when your regular life and your work life just smash together, your mind and your body feel it. And there's plenty of data showing how workplace stress and even your boss can have a major

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reach out to my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online, which means it's affordable and it's convenient. No six-month waiting lists. You just fill out a short online survey to get matched with the licensed therapist, and as the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with the diverse variety of expertise. And BetterHelp has an app store rating of 4.9 out of five stars based on over 1.7 million client reviews. It's incredible. Manage your workday challenges with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloni to get 10% off your first month. that's better help help dot com slash deloni all right let's go to bozeman montana and talk to louise what's up louise hi how you doing i'm good what's up with you oh doing pretty good just trying to keep everybody in line this

summer vacation god bless you dude good luck have fun what's up i i'm calling because my husband i don't necessarily have a disagreement, but I don't quite know how to approach it. But my question is, how can my husband and I ensure we share a common understanding of my future career goals without creating resentment? I'm currently a stay-at-home mom. You just said so many things. I know. And there's more. I know there is. Hold on. I'm going to do a quick thing with you, okay? Yes. Okay. Close your eyes for me.

How many kids do you have? Four. Okay. I want you to picture them all real quick, right in front of you. And one by one, I want you to watch them walking out of the room, okay? Mm-hmm. And then I want you to picture your husband standing there. And I want you to picture him waving to you and walking out of the room.

And I want you to scan that room and you're all by yourself right now. Okay? Mm-hmm. Open your eyes. Now, you don't have to protect anybody. You can speak freely. There's no other women judging you, whether you should be a stay-at-home mom

or you should go to work. There's none of the conversations you and your husband have had in the past about, I just want us to move to Montana and we're going to have this home and I'm going to be a stay-at-home. All that is out. It's just you in a room and me, okay?

Mm-hmm. Yep. So, I want you to speak as frugally and as openly as you can. Cool? Yes. All right. What do you want to do one day? Well, that has changed. Okay. Tell me about it. You know, my goals 10 years ago, you know, are nowhere near my goals today. Can I tell you this? Thank God.

You know what that means? That means you've become wiser. You've learned new things. Well, and I've had children. Yeah, you've had new experiences. Great. Hooray. And, you know, there's been some wrenches, you know, not bad, but just unexpected changes in life that have changed my goals for myself. You know, one of those is that one of our children is severely mentally disabled.

Okay. And he will live with us, most likely the rest of his life. Okay. Great kid. Blessing, you know, blessing from God. You don't have that. Louise, you don't have to qualify, you qualify every sentence. You get to just say it, okay?

Yes. Okay. He can be a blessing and you can also weep at night. And he can be such a gift and he can be incredibly challenging to deal with minute by minute, day by day. Okay? All that is true. Yes.

Okay. So that has changed my plans. And, you know, I have an older, my oldest is 13, my youngest is two. Good God, oh my. That's a spring. We've had other medical conditions with our oldest, you know, that has required our attention and time and resources. And then, you know, my two-year-old needs me, you know, and my five-year-old. And then my goal is now to come to, yeah.

And then husband's like, whoa, what are you doing this weekend, right? Yeah. You have all of it, all of it. Yes. And honestly, it's mainly been me at home for the last decade. He worked a good chunk of the year away for quite some time. And now he's home Monday through Friday. It's wonderful.

He's incredibly, you know, sacrificing for his family. Works incredibly hard. But now that we're getting to this junction to where I can look at going back to work, I feel like we're not on the same page. And because he sacrificed so much the last 10 years, I don't want it now to create resentment if I don't want to go be something big and grand or having a high-paying job where I just want to go work at my kids' school and be able to still be home with them after school each day with, you know, my special needs child and not make hardly any money, but still be able to contribute. What makes you think he is going to resent you? is that a story you're telling yourself or is that true it's and that's that's part of why i called

because i i it's he has sacrificed so so so stop stop with that stop with that stop with that stop with that i'm asking you you you what makes you think he's going to resent you and it may just be in my own head i've always been anxious well that's okay please people that's okay i'm an anxious guy too but i'm trying to get to has he told you repeatedly i'm only doing this for 10 years i'm going to kill myself for 10 years before so you can go back to the law firm and make six figures so we can finally get a flow is he say that every single day and you just smile no or are you have you made up have you made up a story that you even though you're raising a special needs kid and you're an amazing stay-at-home mom and you've got a grinded out awesome husband that you're only real value

is in a direct deposit somewhere. Where is that story coming from him or from you? I think for me, because we've endured financial hardship, you know, through the last 15 years we've been together and come through, and now we're in a great spot. And I don't know if I'm just self-sabotaging, and now we're in a nice, you know, average comfortable position, that it's, okay, well, if I don't go make, you know, $2,000 a month

or whatever a good income is, you know, then I'm just kind of wasting everybody's time and I guess not being as productive for the family as I could be. Where is that story coming from? I'm hearing an amazing woman and mom and contributor. And it feels like I could be doing more. And I just don't want to let anybody down. because I can see the physical toll he's taken

and the mental toll he's taken over the last decade and he's, you know, still gung-ho every day to be just a wonderful father. I just don't want to, I guess, I guess don't let my end down. Is there any factual indication that you're letting anybody down? Nothing factual, no. Okay. All, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Stop. Stop. I want you to sit at the end of that sentence. Can I ask you a very personal question? Mm-hmm. Do you have any girlfriends that you hang out with? Yes, I have a few wonderful close girlfriends. Okay. How often do you all get together in person? Every couple weeks.

Okay. Do they know you're struggling like this? They know that I'm a little lost. This is not a little lost. And then I want to help. This is not a little lost. Your path to freedom right now starts with you stopping, minimizing how much pain you're in. Because you're hurting bad, aren't you?

Yes, but I'm... Stop, stop. I think it's my own fault. Don't qualify it. Just let it be. You're allowed to hurt. You're allowed to. The only thing I would ask you to not do is to keep it all to yourself.

When's the last time you wept in front of your husband and said, I don't think I'm enough here? I don't. Okay. Because he's, he's, he's, you know, literally broken his body for the family. You know, so the last thing I want to do is... Listen, Louise, just for all due respect, I don't want to hear that anymore. He signed up for that.

I signed up to have a wife and kids. And in this season of life, I signed up to be the guy who makes the money. And that means I signed up to be tired and exhausted. And I signed up to live on some acres, which means I have to... My time off, I'm mowing and wheat eating and dealing with... I signed up for that. Okay, so he signed up for this. It's the life he signed up for.

And I don't want you to take his joy and his purpose and his contribution away. Yes, he's sacrificing. That's what good men do. And he probably is smiling all the way, isn't he? Most days, yep. Okay. Okay. so if you're deeply struggling with purpose if you're struggling with i change plans if you're struggling with

loneliness if you're struggling with every time he walks in the door you feel less than i want you to love him enough love yourself enough and love your girlfriends enough to be honest and start saying these things out loud because it's the secrets that are going to bury you yeah okay because unless I'm missing something I'm hearing an amazing strong woman who's contributing my gosh or let me flip it around what's the dollar amount it would cost to run a household of four kids one full-time special needs kid one older kid who's entering into the wild years and she's got special needs or medical needs what would that care cost more than I would more than any of us would make right yeah and so even if you just do the math on that it's not

going into a direct deposit but your work is incredibly financially valuable and by the way i don't care about the numbers part the one thing i want to ask you is or tell you is the greatest gift you can give your kids is a well-regulated mom who loves herself and believes in the contribution she's making. Yeah, that's what I want to show them. Okay. Kids have an, they have to. It's developmental.

But they know when mom's not okay, and kids, unfortunately, will rush around to try to solve that. They take it on as it's their fault. And they need. I've already seen my own. will just try and come in to save the day, you know, or take some pressure off. Okay.

Louise, that's not her job. And she has a special needs sister. She should see that and begin to take on a little bit extra responsibility. That's what you want. You want kids that see when they're hurting people in the world or people in the margins or people who need extra care and love for them to step in. we have a whole world now that just turns ahead right and your daughter your older kids are going to have a ringside seat to loving people with different challenges there is no greater gift

than that and you can stay at home and be like man i wish they had a quote unquote regular childhood man what an amazing opportunity they have they're going to enter into the world extraordinary citizens because they get to do some extra work around the house and they get to love their sibling a little bit deeper it's awesome but all of that is ancillary to a mom that i'm listening to that thinks somehow that story has warm will hold its way into your heart into your spirit that you're not enough yeah and can i say this i had to learn this the hard way I work really hard I make good money

I travel all over the place I'm running around everywhere one of the most important things as a man I can be doing at my house is making sure I see my wife and I know her and I let her feel I make her

I give her the opportunity to feel uplifted and supported and loved and if you see your husband working really hard and breaking his back literally and figuratively and making money and supporting the family that's good but if his wife is her spirit is dying inside her on chest then he doesn't know the full picture of being a present husband and father and he needs you to be honest with him yeah if he can't see it it's a matter of honesty yeah he needs to hear from his

wife i'm not doing okay will you love him in that way and love yourself in that way? I need to. Okay. That's not what I asked. That was a good answer, but that's not what I asked. Will you? Yes.

I will, yeah. And can we also say this? Tell him, hey, I want to have a dreaming conversation. I've had some things stirring in my spirit, and I would love to make you a humongous breakfast, and I'll have the 13-year-old take all the kids and do something, or we'll shove them in front of a TV for a few hours. I don't care.

Or if you'll have enough money, we're going to go out to breakfast somewhere in town. And I want to have a dreaming conversation. What? I'm a dreaming conversation. And by the way, 10 years, that's too long. Who knows what's going to happen in 10 years? Let's do two.

And tell them, I'm having a stern in my spirit that I'd always thought I was going to go get a big job when the kids, but I think I want to do this instead. what about you and let's put that on the table and have that conversation and then that's also the time you tell him I don't feel like I'm enough for you I don't feel like I'm enough for this family

and let him respond yeah my gut tells me is when you put that on the table he's going to come across to that table and hug you so tight you won't be able to breathe and hopefully that conversation gets to a place where he asks you or you tell him or both today you could love me by

and I don't know what you like I don't know what you want but being able to say those things out loud I know you work really hard but if you just gave me a 30 second hug before you left and said that you love me that would be a huge deal for me yeah

if you came home every once in a while with flowers it would be a huge deal for me if you helped the kid's bedtime even though you're exhausted and your feet hurt that would be a huge deal for me If twice a week I could leave our special needs kid with somebody and just go run around and be silly with my girlfriends, that would be awesome. And by the way, you deserve that, Louise. You get that.

Okay? Okay. I want you to put your fist in your chest right real quick. You do that for me? Mm-hmm. And I want you to say in front of me and everyone listening, I love this woman. I love this woman.

and today I'm going to start loving her with action and today I'm going to start loving with action loving her with action I see what you did there with action there you go game on yeah all right so you just promised all of us

that by the end of the day you're going to have set up this breakfast meeting with your husband and if you're like me you're going to get jumbled in your words and so it might be good to write it all down here's what's been stirring in my spirit the last few years and give him an opportunity to love you like I think he loves you like you know he does to listen to exhale and to respond and then maybe ask you all right how can I love you next

how can I love you now I'm glad there's amazing women like you out there Luis but I want you to put on your oxygen mask now you've been holding your breath for a long long time We come back, a woman asks how she can get her father-in-law to relocate for his help. I love my Helix mattress, and summer is wrapping up, and I cannot even believe this, but we're already prepping for the school year. But still, the sun's still out early. Kids are still bouncing all over the place, and if you're like me, your daily routine is hanging

on by a thread. Forget that. It's just chaos. And when that happens, what's the first thing? that tanks in all of our homes? Sleep. I'm going to be honest with you. When I'm not sleeping well, not the best husband and I'm especially not the best dad. I'm pretty grumpy and everything feels harder than it should. Listen, sleep is not just about rest. It's about showing up the next day as the kind of person you want to be and as the people who love you need you to be. That's why I sleep on

a Helix mattress. Before Helix, I tried all kinds of mattresses too soft, too stiff. They had memory foam that just inhaled you like quicksand. You name it. I've tried it. But Helix matched me with the perfect mattress based on how I sleep and who I sleep next to, my wife. Yes, they've even got options for couples who need different fields on the same bed. It's incredible. I want you to get online and take the Helix sleep quiz. It takes like two minutes and they're going to match you with the perfect mattress just for you. And right now, my audience gets early access to the Helix Labor Day sale for 20% off site wide. Go to helixleep.com slash deloni

and get 20% off your entire order. That's helix sleep.com slash deloni. With helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, Dallas, Texas. Let's talk to Ann. What's up, Ann? Hi, how are you, Dr. Dolan? Doing all right.

What's up in your world? All right. So my question is, is how can I positively motivate my father-in-law to move closer to us without losing our patients. Well, the easy answer is you can't. Why do you want him to move? Well, so he's been diagnosed with Parkinson's for the past 10 years. And the past couple years, his mobility has been declining and he's been having falls.

And it's to the point where my mother-in-law is not able to pick him up, like they have to call the fire department and touch. And so recently, she's been calling us because she's been, it's been wearing on her. And last April, we did have like a full family discussion between them, my brother-in-law and my husband and I about moving closer to us. And since that, it's been pretty difficult. My husband went out there for two and a half weeks. My brother-in-law went out there.

His aunt and uncles have visited him. And it's basically, like, we have to constantly reassure him that this is a good decision that we've already discussed this. This is why we're doing it for all, like, for him and his health and his wife's health. And it's kind of, it's getting frustrating. It's constantly having to reassure him for that. And so we're going to be seeing them in about a couple, in a couple of weeks to help them. And it's going to probably be the same process of having to reassure. and I'm just trying to figure out how can we positively talk to him about this change.

Yeah. I would give him some space as his body is failing him and as his picture for his older life is failing him. And as he feels like a failure to his wife and to his kids, I would let him complain. Okay. I would let him need the reassurance. Mm-hmm. I wouldn't wish his position on my worst enemy. it's everything a proud father would not want to have right and probably the only path you'll have

is to do less talking and more action like hey we're bringing a realtor with us the house goes on the market july 15th and so we're bringing a person here to give us an assessment of the house and here is an apartment that we have found for you or we've created space in our house whatever y'all are going to do there. Stop the talking and more. There's going to be talking, but more, here's the action we're taking. Mm-hmm. Because as your father-in-law's body is failing him more

and as his wife is getting more and more scared, he's still going to try to convince himself that this will work itself out. It's not. Mm-hmm. Yeah, and that's what's difficult is the fighting part because there are some things that we are trying to work. through. Like what? Like, like we, for instance, we try to get his TSP, his like his retirement situated to where

the dependents are listed correctly and things like that. And it took, it took pulling teeth for him to work with us to act like it is like basically his retirement ready for like basically the financial stuff ready. So it's like. Okay, but sometimes here's where we need to shift the conversation. Y'all have had all of the big kumbaya conversations. You've had the big family meeting. His sons have spent a couple of weeks with him each. Now we're sitting down saying, do you want to love mom or not? And we have to be that direct. Do you want to love mom or not? If you do not want to love mom, we're going to stop this conversation. If you do, well, I don't, no, no, no. We have the computer up. Do you want to love mom or not? Log into the account.

Okay. And he's a grown man. He might walk away. Or he might not be able to walk away because his Parkinson's is bad. He might just turn away. Okay. But some of this is just going to be frustrating and just be patient because you have a man whose body is falling apart underneath him. His marriage is falling apart. His son's driving to take care of him. And he sees what's coming, right? He sees one of his sons having to change a diaper. It's just sucks. And so I'd give him a ton of grace. and you and your husband like if you all need to have a signal where you just need to go for a walk then go for the walk but i think there's something in your spirit that is that and probably everybody's that if y'all just do the right thing this will become easy it changes when you all walk in knowing this is going to be really hard and frustrating right and so we're just going to make that switch this is hard and frustrating and when we have to be very very direct dad do you love mom then we're going to have we're going to be that direct we'll be that clear okay or mom is moving into our house you get to choose whether you come with her we want you to come with her but we're

not going to fight you and you know as well as i do the single most stubborn creature ever created is the aging male right yeah Can I give you one other little thing? Yes. If any of these conversations that y'all are working through with your father-in-law are unspoken or unsettled between you and your husband, I would settle those now. Meaning, if you don't know where all the retirement accounts are and you haven't seen the dependence listed on them and you don't know where the life insurance policy, is and y'all don't share a checking account together i would use this as a catalyst to make those changes in your own home too is that fair it is um why did you get quiet on me oh yeah no

it's uh it's just self-reflection it's um it is real um how important this is because it's just it's It moved so fast. So fast. And if you don't have a will for both of you, then by the end of this weekend, I want you all to have a will. You can go to my friends at Mama Bear Wills. That's what I did when I moved to Nashville.

I just got one because my one from Texas, my state plan from Texas didn't transfer states. And that's the first thing I got when I got to town, just to make sure if I got hit by a bus going to Starbucks that my kids were taken care of, that my wife was taken care of. If you don't have that stuff, let this be a catalyst. And then let a dying, aging old man having to lean on his sons and probably, if you're like most families, lean on you a lot, that your son might do, I mean, your husband might do a lot of the talking, but you have to do a lot of the work.

Like, I would give him some grace. Yeah, I've been feeling like I'm like the one that's really pushing all of this talk and stuff because just how I work as a nurse and so I see this happening, these bad situations happening in a hospital setting. I just want to, it's almost like seeing a train wreck because I'm trying to give them enough space to get some of the started, but I can see they're starting to drown with a lot of the health that they will need with this. There you go.

And I'll also tell you this, there was a moment when my wife stepped in when it came to like, my family wasn't dealing with anything like this, but just our, what do you want to do for the holidays? Oh, no. And then it's December 24th. And we're like, are we going to drive to 18 hours to? So she was the one that just started sending an email in September saying, here is our fall. And my goodness, it was such a gift. And I was embarrassed that she took, like, she's just like, I'll be the leader here because there's not one. But I tell you what, man. it was so great and it gave me a path to step up and I had to grow up and become like you know what mean but it was awesome and it might just be you announcing to everybody via email or via phone call or whatever I'm a nurse I'm taking this over y'all are not you aren't doing anything father-in-law I love you I'm taking over you know what I mean and y'all can get mad at me or resent me but I'm watching a train wreck that I see happen every day I'm watching it happen among family and I won't do it about like asserting that confidence with that because I feel like I almost step into their boundaries with some of this and I'm like I'm almost wishing and hoping they'll take it

but it's difficult to see it yeah and I've heard it said uh hope without a plan as a wish stop wishing hope is an action take action and you can tell your husband I'm about to do this this is the last call we're fine honey we've got it under control we're going to be I'm a I'm watching this happen in real time. I'm taking over. And I can't help. I don't know, there's something just starting me. I can't help but think that you've got some unanswered things in your own house and your own marriage.

And I think it's worth sitting down and saying before this weekend's over, you and I, we're going to go away for half a day. We're going to, I want to see all this stuff because this is going to be us in this many years. Or as a nurse, you know it might be next weekend that somebody gets in a car wreck. And I want to make sure all of our ducks in a row to. you're awesome man thanks for loving your father-in-law and for trying to respect everybody's boundaries but also there comes a moment when i'm i'm taking charge and i'm heading in because nobody else is hope is an action thank you so much we'll be right back

all right all right it's cozy earth time listen just hearing the term nine to five is a total bummer makes me think of like a boss with coffee breath or co-workers with no boundaries or those of you I hear from all the time who are trying to work from home with kids running around and dogs barking and partners just showing up all of it. That's why cozy earth wants to make your five to nine the time that matters most, the most comfortable part of your day. Cozy Earth is a big part of how my wife and I make our home and our lives warm and cozy. My wife gets into her cozy earth PJs as early as possible without being weird. And I love the Cozy Earth T-shirts and pants because they're soft and breathable, but also tough.

They survived my front yard wrestling matches with my daughter, and last night my son and I took a long jog, and my Cozy Earth t-shirt held up great. Plus, my whole family loves Cozy Earth's temperature-regulating sheets. They naturally wick away heat and moisture from your body to help you sleep several degrees cooler. Cozy Earth is so confident they offer a hundred-night sleep trial. You can try them out during the hottest nights of the year, and if you don't absolutely love them, you can return them hassle-free. Of course, Cozy Earth offers a 10-year warranty on all betting products, and that makes for a decade of great sleep. Go to cozyEarth.com slash Deloni and use code Deloni for 40% off best-selling temperature regulating sheets, apparel, and more. Trust me, you're going to feel the difference the very first night you sleep on these sheets.

And by the way, their towels are the best. Go to cozyearth.com slash Deloni and use code Deloney to save 40% off everything. Sleep cooler, lounge lighter, stay cozy. All right, Kelly, am I the problem? All right, so this is from Joe in South Bend, Indiana, and he writes, Am I the problem? I have two boys, age 13 and 10, who are polar opposites in fight about everything. Last month, they logged onto my profile on the Xbox and began to play GTA.

For those that don't know, that's Grand Theft Auto. I grant you it is a wildly inappropriate game for them. But when they play it, they actually get along. Am I the problem for letting them play an inappropriate video game because it means they are having fun with each other instead of arguing? Yes, you're the problem. here's why um man i get where you're coming from but no those kids should not be playing grand theft auto online with multiple players that they

don't yes they should not be doing that and you know that or you wouldn't be writing in and if they've proven they can connect and have fun together in that environment then that means they've proven they can have fun and connect and you're a job job as a dad is to put them in situations where they can be successful together and where they're just going to go, dude, they're little brothers, they're going to fight, but put them in situations where they're going to connect and be successful and also is not going to melt their brains. And so, yes, you're the problem, but I think you're headed in the right direction because

they've proven to you, they can get along. And now it's your job as dad to put them in situations where they can be successful. and not morally bankrupt themselves. Sound good, Kelly? Yes. I'm going to tell you, this is a bad analogy. The thought that popped in my head is when I talk to couples who are like considering consensual non-monogamy,

and they're like, but listen, if she just sleeps with another guy, she's so much nicer. And it's like, okay, but that solution isn't that. Jeez. Just causes more problems. Anyway. You're 100% right on this one.

You can't. Yes, it's not okay. Would you say 13 and 11? 10 and 13. Oh, God. Yeah, please don't. Please don't. Not a just...

Wow. Dad, take him fishing. Take him to see a pro wrestling match. Take him to jujitsu. Do things with him. You get off the game and get out with your boys. maybe all of y'all will find some common ground. In fact, I promise you, you will.

Love you guys, bye.