The Dr. John Delony Show - Should I Marry the Guy Everyone Thinks Is My Husband?

Episode Date: November 14, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman who's been faking her marriage for years A man feeling stuck in the middle of family drama A husband who disagrees with his wife about their daughter’s health   Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch ❤️ ⁠Getaway with your spouse today!    Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Keep your home safe and under control. Go to Cove Smart and use code DELONY for up to 80% off your first order. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to Dutch Pet and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.     Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now, we have February and October weekends on sale for the money in marriage getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at $749 a couple. Get yours at ramsysolutions.com slash getaway. I met my partner, and we kind of had this whirlwind romance. What did you find that made you say, halt this thing?

We got a whole bunch of wedding gifts and part of that was wedding money. I happened to check that account that had thousands of dollars in it and it was all completely gone. What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show. Taking your calls. Real people going through real challenges, struggles in their marriage, their mental and emotional health, their kids, whatever you got going on in your life, I'm going to pull up a seat, you pull up a seat,

and we're going to figure out what's your next right move. For more than two decades, I spent time as a professor, as a dean of students, as a crisis responder, showing up in the wildest moments of people's lives and asking the question, what are we going to do next? If you want to be on this show, go to John Deloney.com slash ask.

A-S-K, I'd love to have you on. Let's go to Orlando, Florida, and talk to Sarah. What's up, Sarah? Hey, how are you? Remarkable. How about you? Very nervous, to be honest, but excited. It's very cool.

Very cool. What's up? I just have a strange question for you, to be honest. Let it rip. Every question on the show is strange, so let it get. Basically, I just wanted some advice. How do I overcome issues from my past to learn how to trust enough to marry the man that everyone already thinks is my husband?

I'm going to backtrack what I would say and said earlier that everyone asks a weird question. They don't ask that weird of one. Explain this. Unpack this for me. Yeah, it's a very strange situation. And it's kind of, it was an accidental kind of double life that I now live where basically what end up happening was is I met my partner. and we kind of had this whirlwind romance and he's absolutely wonderful and super sweet and he proposed very quickly. We had a very small wedding. But before we went through the entire legal process of

actually legally getting married, I found out some things that really triggered some very bad issues for me and it really changed everything. So let's change a few things. You didn't have a wedding. You had a big party. Exactly. Okay. So we had a big party. Everybody showed up to it they bring gifts you all have like toasters and stuff yeah got it all okay what did you find that made you say halt this thing well a little bit of context is going to be helpful for this but basically yes we had a big party we got a whole bunch of wedding gifts and part of that was wedding money and we put it in a joint account and before we finished through the legal process I happened to check that account that had thousands of dollars in it, and it was all completely gone.

And he had went and spent all of it on hunting equipment and things that he wanted and never talked to me. And unfortunately, that triggered a very bad insecurity. I grew up in a very abusive household where my father was very bad with money. He would beat all of us and kind of used money to manipulate our situation. and we had to move a lot and cause a lot of insecurities. So when that happened, that really made things very challenging where I just suddenly didn't trust this person anymore. Okay, so he's not on the phone right now.

So I'm going to ask you some questions. They're going to sound harsh, okay? Sure, of course. But not being mean, same team, okay? Mm-hmm. So you go through with this big charade, this big party, you went through basically a fake way, wedding where did you hire a minister and everything you go through that whole thing yeah it went

through the whole thing you just never got a marriage license yeah exactly and you then went home deposit it took the gifts deposited the money and then i guess you were going to go get a marriage license later and then a couple of days or whatever later you realize he'd burned through all that cash yeah um backstory makes a little bit easier it was during covid so it was wasn't quite as easy as it usually is to get a marriage license. So it was delayed? Mm-hmm. Okay.

So you were married in the eyes of the minister and everybody watching just not legally. Exactly. Okay. So you say that you get triggered. Like this thing sets off a whole cascade of a very abusive childhood. And yet you went ahead and kept living there. Yeah. Do you all have kids?

We do. We have one child. So you've, you've, you've, you've, you've been married this whole time. Yeah, exactly. But at the same time, it's, it's kind of this, it feels like this double life because we don't share our finances. I know you say that you're supposed to, and I want to. I just, I don't know how to trust this person. That tells me this wasn't a one-time young, knuckle-headed expenditure that he's continually been not trustworthy.

Is that fair? Yes, in different ways. I will say since that time, he's never done anything, not that I've really given him the opportunity, but he's never done anything like that financially again. But you don't know because you don't even keep up with his money. Yeah. He just Venmo's you for groceries and rent, right? Exactly. Yeah, you don't know what he's doing.

So how else has he been untrustworthy? Unfortunately, I have caught him, like, watching porn and stuff like that, and I'd been in a previous relationship with somebody for 10 years, and he cheated on me multiple times, and that all kind of started with him watching porn, and it kind of escalated from there. So it's been other things as well. How long have you all been together? six years okay

so what's your question how can I help you I don't know what to do to be honest I think you exactly know what to do I think you know what you have to do and I think that there's still a six year old little girl and they're asking herself daddy why are you hitting me yeah I just to be honest with you I want this to work

I have a kid now. You also didn't want your dad to be doing that stuff and he did anyway. Yeah. It's a story that's replayed itself over and over in your life. Yeah, I just, to be honest, it still is a problem. Like, every dime that I get, I still hoard money just because it's my security blanket. I don't know what to do with it. It just sits on a savings account, but I'm scared.

I just, I'm terrified to be in that situation again. and I don't know what to do. Yeah, you're in it. You live in it right now. Yeah. You're in it. But financially I can't, I can't leave and I don't know what to do. And I want to make this work.

I want to. I know. I know you keep saying that. And I want it to work too. But everything you're telling me, behavior is a language. He's not interested in it working. Or he's, his life's just fine. Yeah. I mean, in some ways, things have gone a lot better, but I just don't even know how to rebuild that trust. I don't know, you know, I'm scared to try to, you know, join our finances together and to try to trust him and legally tie myself to this person.

Let me just tell you, let's get past all of that. You're legally tied to him. Anything else is an illusion in your mind. unless the common law, did you buy a house together? I have a house. It's not in his name at all. Okay. If y'all share a kid

and y'all have been together for six years plus and y'all went through a marriage ceremony, I can guarantee you on the other end of a divorce settlement, he's getting part of that house. That's terrifying. You've created an imaginary world

that you think all rules are off because you didn't cross this one threshold, which is go get a marriage certificate. Yeah. And in fact, the marriage certificate would have actually made separating one day way easier. Because people always say, like, I don't need the government to get involved.

When this doesn't work, or if it doesn't work, a divorce, a legal separation, has legal roadmaps for how to, do that. You made a human together. You are bound to this guy forever. So what do I do? I think the first thing you got to do is go sit down with a counselor in your local area and say, I'm not okay.

If I'm being real honest with you, I don't think you're telling me the full story. I don't think you're okay. I'm not Okay Are you safe? Yes, I am safe But you're way closer to the edge than you project, aren't you? Yeah

Yeah Everybody else doesn't know I know I've been doing this I've been having this exact conversation for way, way, way too long You are teetering over the edge And you can't go over the edge You got a little one

Yeah exactly and you can't go over the edge you want to know really why because you're worth not going over the edge yeah i think i tried so hard not to end up like my family and my mother and sure enough somehow i accidentally ended up in the exact same place okay and you can't change anything about any of those decisions up until today but you get to decide the very next choice you make. And that should be scary, but also hopefully way down in the dark, I hope that lights a tiny little spark.

You've got agency. Yeah, I guess I just, I don't know what to do. I have been trying to save a little bit of money and put it aside to be able to figure out how to make it on my own, but I just, I don't even know if I can. And to be honest, I'm terrified about that kind of stuff. What do you mean? Well, like, it's just, I don't even know how to move forward. Like, I have wedding pictures hanging on my wall,

celebrating a marriage that didn't really fully happen. I have a kid that I don't even know how I would explain this to later on. And I have a little bit of money saved that I'm so scared of spending that I just live like a miser all the time because I'm too afraid to have my childhood all over again. Okay. And I don't want my kid to live like that. A couple of things here, all right? Number one, right now, you don't owe anyone any explanation.

Your first job is safety. Emotional safety, financial safety, physical safety, sexual safety, that you and your boy are in a safe place. I am not convinced that this guy that you live with is safe. Yeah, me neither Okay I won't ask you any more questions because I don't want to be in base

I can hear your voice that you don't want to talk about I won't okay But I don't I don't you don't There's a cadence to somebody That isn't safe And I've heard it my whole career And I hear it right now The first

You don't owe explanations to anybody if you have a parent or a friend that you can go live with for three months actually it's your house he can leave these years have been done I know I know if he's physically unsafe

I want you to call a police if you need to if he's financially unsafe you have to sit down with a financial planner Actually, I work at Ramsey Solutions. I'll hook you up with a free financial coaching session, okay? That would be great. Who will just walk through what's the totality? Like, how much do you owe?

What's your bills? What do you make? What's a plan? And I'll also hook you up with the every dollar app that will connect to your bank. So you can track your expenses and start to, it will walk you through how to make a budget and how to stick to some of the stuff and give you some financial security back. Okay.

That would be wonderful, thank you. I'm going to give you three months for free with my friends at BetterHelp, but you have to promise me you'll call them today. Okay, I promise. Okay, and you'll start seeing a licensed counselor right away. You're going to need to see somebody in your local area because I think your challenges are pretty big, right? Yeah.

Yeah. You could say that. Okay, but we're going to start today. thank you i just i'll be honest i don't know i can't i feel like i can't talk to anybody about it it's it's weird and it's embarrassing and it's complicated you have to trust me and do you like i don't lie on the show okay you have to trust me that that when somebody let me say this in the right way your fear of telling somebody something this idea of being found out

you can pull a thread all the way back to a little girl who had to keep the secret of what was going on inside her house yeah I think you're absolutely right I never thought about it that way and listen to me freedom comes from telling stories telling the truth

that's where you'll find freedom and there will be some ramifications on the other side of telling the truth okay yeah you're going to have to own reality and if people in your family are like wait what you're not married no when during covid there was a long wait and in between us getting married like getting the official certificate i found some pretty wild stuff and so i didn't do it i was scared. And if the next response isn't, oh, honey, come over, it's, I can't believe you, then they are opting out of your life right now.

Yeah, I think I'm going to lose a lot of people that way. Okay. I think you're also imagining that. You could be right. It's just, you got to admit, it's a little bizarre. The whole thing's bizarre. But you know what's not bizarre? what a grown woman whose own father was super abusive who found herself in one if not two adult relationships that weren't safe

yeah you're absolutely right about that i'm not very good at picking guys no no it's i mean you can make it a character so you can make it like another yet another failure in your backpack if you want to I'm not going to do that. As the great Terry Reel says, we often marry our unfinished business. And there's going to be a little six-year-old girl wondering, dad, why are you hitting me? I'll do better next time.

And I'm going to do better next time. And when I say, go talk to a counselor, it's about finally healing that six-year-old girl and letting her know it was never your fault. and working that stuff out through your body and getting some tools on finances, getting some tools on work and getting some next right steps.

Yeah, I just, I'm a stay-at-home mom. I don't know how to do this financially. Okay. Then hang on the line, and we're going to start that process. I'll get you some licensed professionals that can walk with you. Okay.

Thank you. If nobody else says this, I'm going to tell you this. It's going to be hard to stay where you're at, and it's going to be hard to make some big changes. I want you to choose the hard path that's going to get you where you want to be in three years, okay? I agree. I think you're right.

And you're worth the work. You're worth every minute of the work. Okay? Okay. When you don't believe yourself, think back to those words and believe them. You're worth the work. When we come back, we talk to a man whose dad is struggling to respect his sister's decisions to cut off the family. We'll be right back.

If you've seen me on stages across the country speaking at live events, or even the other night when I did a set at a local comedy club, you have seen me wearing poncho shirts. It's cold outside right now so I can open up the closet and take out my favorite ponchos poncho, denims, and flannels. These are the ones I wear almost every day. The ones I especially love are the Laramie and the Buffalo. Poncho's performance denim has that soft broken in feel

with a little bit of stretch like you've worn it a thousand times, but it still looks awesome. Poncho flanels come in original or Western styles and they're guaranteed to be the softest shirts you own. Somehow they're both durable and comfortable And poncho shirts come in a slim or regular fit They're built for real life

And they hold up to whatever your day throws at you When you're shopping for the guys in your life this holiday season Go to poncho outdoors.com slash deloni Everyone I know is wearing poncho shirts And the men in your life should wear them too Sign up with your email and you'll get 10 bucks off your first order That's poncho outdoors.com slash deloni All right, team, I'm excited to tell you about a brand new sponsor for this show, Cove.

Cove is an affordable DIY home security company that has one mission, help you protect your family for less than a dollar a day. We all see the news. The world is getting chaotic, and there's so many fly-by-night home security companies, Cove is somebody that I trust. Cove cameras stream live video and audio directly to your control panel and your phone so you can see in here what's happening at your house in real

time. That clarity and control over your home can give you peace of mind. And it's super helpful if you have kids at home so they can see who's at the door without opening it. With Cove, you customize your security system through a quick online quiz so you only get what your home actually needs. Setup is super simple. It takes like 30 minutes and you're on your way. This is a great way for you to protect the people you love without breaking the bank. Every Cove system comes with a 60-day risk-free trial. Now is the perfect time to get Cove. They're offering an exclusive Black Friday and Cyber Monday sale for my audience. Visit covesmart.com and use my code Delonia checkout for up to, get this, 80% off your first order. That's Cove C-O-V-E, covesmart.com, and use code Deloney

at checkout. All right, let's go out to Greenville, South Carolina, and talk to J-I-M. What's up, Jim? Hey, Dr. John. What's up, brother? Not much. I'm one of the original 18. 17.

O.G. 17. You were the 18th. Very cool. Yeah. What's up? No. So, I've got a question for you. I have a little bit of backstory.

My sister, oldest sister, the fourth of eight kids, about a year ago, decided that she wanted nothing to do with my parents and the, you know, the older four of us kids. How come? What happened? Well, it's kind of confusing for us, to be honest, but it comes from, she's had a very hard life with health and medical issues. which got her going down a route of looking for answers about why her life is the way it is. I think, I mean, this is fundamental attribution error probably, but she came across CPTSD and concluded that she had it and then tried to backfill the past trauma. and what was the past trauma for her she said was

neglect by my parents because my parents had so many kids that's what she's told us and then she asked us did we experience these things and all of us said not really and

that was it for us she felt like we weren't supporting her And wasn't really in a, you know, and because we went supporting her, which just doesn't want to talk to us anymore. You're on the other team, so you're not on my team, so you're dead to me. Yeah. All right. So, so how can I help?

I hate that for you all. Yeah. So my, so she made a dull decision to not talk to us. How is she? How old is she? Uh, 39. Okay. All right.

All right. So, um, yeah. How can I help you right now? So my dad is still trying to reach out. Okay. And recently called her anonymously blocked number and all that stuff. Has sent some texts. And they're not like, it's like a text once, maybe twice a month to a full, to the family chat,

which she is part of. And it just came to heaven's call. We told my post. We told my parents, look, we're not going to respond to any of these family chats that have her on it. We're going to start our own chat and respond that way without her because she's asked us not to reach out to her. She rightfully thought this was very creepy. She called the police and the police called my dad. Now I'm trying to figure out how I can help my dad respect that.

You can't. You can't. This is his daughter. I know. It's his daughter. I know. And as the daughter of a nine and a half year old, I'd go to the ends of the earth for her.

And I don't know what I would do if she created a story that made me the chief villain so much so that she wouldn't talk to me or her siblings. Yeah. I'd like to say on this side of it, I would respect her willingness, her decision to cut me on. off I could tell you I wouldn't be able to breathe yeah and I could also tell you I would hope

that I would leave a trail that let her know that a lover and she could always come home and also know that harassment it's officially harassment when somebody puts in writing do not contact me and you contact them so I know I'm committing a crime I just I can't I can't even put myself in the hell your dad's in. I can tell you that kids rarely change their parents' mind. They might influence behavior. The only thing I could tell you to do is be to sit with your dad in person and just say, Dad, I think it's time for us to be sad for a while because I miss my sister and I know you miss your daughter.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I do. I mean, it's not been easy on any of us either. I know. There's no way to, it sounds like there's no way to make sense of it. No. I mean, it, literally we just started realizing, hey, she's not responding to any of our text.

And then. I know, hold on, but listen to what you're doing. I want you to be very careful of what you're doing. You're going to start replaying it over and over. And you're going to make yourself insane. because you're going to start looking for things you might have said, things you might have done, what if I had done this, how about this? And most people try to find a rational solution to an irrational act.

And one doesn't exist. It's easier to blame yourself, I should have done this, I could have done this, What if dad had done that? Then it is to exhale and say, somebody I love and care for made up a story about me and cut us off. Man. Just hurts. Yeah.

Would it be, well, I'm convinced that the only, like you said, the way back to a relationship, if there can be one, is respecting her and just leaving the trust. and saying, you know, I think the greatest thing you can do for your dad is to say, Dad, I know how, I can't even imagine how hard this is. If you have a daughter, you can speak to it, I know, but if you don't. But it's saying, I don't want to see my father go to jail. And right now, the greatest way you can love your daughter is to give her space. And the only hope is, and this sounds awful to say it this way, is that now, that she's cut off what she thinks is the source of her misery she's going to find out that wherever she goes she goes with her and my hope is that she realizes in short order oh that wasn't the solution healing that was actually part of the answer that's the hope my dad is part of a faith community where you know we're Christians would it be a

I've thought about just going to reaching out to one of his pastors call your dad yeah call your dad okay or better yet go visit him in person yeah yeah and here can I give you some some side wisdom here just off to the side sure it'd be very hard for you to hear yeah there are often secrets that even siblings don't know yeah and so what i would caution you on is fully creating another story the truth is you don't know yeah she's the oldest kid you don't know what happened what didn't happen what was actually said or what spirit you don't know yeah what you do know of is your heartbreak you know that you're sad You know that your dad is heartbroken.

And your dad just got visited by the police saying, do not harass this other adult. It's a mess. It's a mess. My hope is your sister finds the peace that she's looking for. I hope she finds it back with you all, but I hope she finds peace. And I hope that your dad is able to exhale through this.

And if he has some skeletons in the closet, I hope he's honest and truth and forthright full about him. and if he's not, I hope he rallies around you and your other siblings and find some sort of peace, if you will, knowing that my daughter's out there and she won't have me, she won't talk to me. I just can't imagine that kind of pain. I love my daughter more than life itself.

So I wish you guys peace, man. I wish you guys peace. These things, here's my framework. Facts are your friends. we're going to choose reality here we're going to do the next right thing and we're going to figure out what's the best way that I can love you through action

even if that means not calling you and as a dad I can tell you that'd be the hardest thing I can imagine doing is knowing my daughter's out there somewhere and I can't reach out to tell her I love her that'd be a nightmare wish you guys the best brother

thanks for calling when we come back we talk to a young father who is at odds with his wife on whether to give his daughter ADHD medication. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, this time of year can be tough for all of us. So I want you to make sure that you check on your friends, check on your loved ones, and reconnect with people that maybe you haven't talked to in a while.

I recently called one of my childhood friends just to say, hey, I'm thinking about you, how are you doing? and we ended up having a great conversation that was hard, but we also laughed a little bit too. And just like it can take a little bit of courage to send that message or grab coffee with somebody that you haven't seen in a while, reaching out for therapy,

reaching out to somebody who can sit with you and hold space for heavy, hard conversations, that can feel hard too, but it's worth it. If you want to try therapy, call my friends a better help. With over 30,000 therapists, they're the largest online therapy provider in the world. They've served over 5 million people globally, and they have an average rating of

4.9 stars out of 5. It's totally online, so it's easy to fit into your schedule. To get started, you just answer a few simple questions, and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who will fit your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. This month, don't wait to reach out. Whether you're checking in on a friend, checking in on a family member, or reaching out for a therapist, better help makes it easy. easier to take that first step. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloni.

All right, let's go to Dallas, Texas, home of the failing Cowboys. And Robert. What's up, Robert? How you doing, sir? I'm doing all right, brother. What's going on with you? We're doing pretty good. But kind of my question is, so my seven-year-old daughter is very, very, very,

much ADHD. What does that mean? What does that mean? Oh, she has trouble concentrating class some days and is pretty much at 300 miles an hour, 26 hours of the day. She has always constantly going, but during school time, she has trouble with sitting, she wants to stand all the time, then she'll sit and be walking around the classroom. and so it does disrupt the classroom

pretty regularly. Have you had her tested? We have had her tested. We tested her at five, and they were unable to complete the test because she couldn't concentrate long enough. Okay. She's seven now?

She's seven now. Okay, don't do anything until you get her reevaluated. Okay. okay um then here my first flag is not always but often ADHD is expressed in young girls through a what i would call a neutral shutting down and she's expressing this in a way that's typical of young boys that is that is that all that comes it with in a bell curve of some sort so that doesn't mean anything other than there may be something else going on here yeah and she has um she does have a rare food allergy. Okay.

That started at birth. What's the allergy? It's called F-Pies. Okay. Have you heard of that one? I have not. What is it? It is food protein-induced endocolitis syndrome.

Okay. Hers is actually the protein, the protein chains in the food that she's allergic to. Once it hits the gut, the gut thinks that she has an infection. Okay. And it can turn into septus. And so she has had a lot of, I mean, her first nine months, we had almost 80 doctor appointments in the first nine months. Wow, wow, wow. Okay.

And then it dropped down to about 60 for the next calendar year, basically. So it's been a very long struggle. First 18 months were bottle feed only every two hours. 60 appointments. That means you're going once or twice a week. Yeah, for her She was not on the growth chart until she hit six months old She hit the growth

She hit 1% at six months old So do you have like a care network liaison A social worker somebody that's leading the charge on Because this sounds like a complex matrix of things From diet to nutrition To physical health Yeah she does actually have a specialist, and we have gotten lucky at about five years old.

She has almost cleared all the foods that she was allergic to. Wonderful. She's outgrown all of it. There's still a couple of them that we haven't tried, but they are minor foods that aren't really used all the time. So that's great news. Yeah, and now she's 97th percentile in height and weight. Wonderful.

Great, great news, man. That's awesome. I have a, an allergy is too light. I have a rage inside of me. Let me put it that way. I get angry only because part of my job for 20 years was dealing with ADA 504 kids with accommodations. Right. Who were somehow challenged in a traditional learning environment.

And the folks that went through and got kids, the right testing, the right support that sometimes include pharmacological intervention, I'm not against medicine. I've taken anxiety medicine, save my life. I'm not opposed to it. What I am opposed to is teachers, administrators, or parents looking at a cluster of symptoms, Googling it, self-diagnosed. and then chasing down some doctor somewhere, and you'll find one that'll write you a script for it. Right. Yeah. And luckily, we've been working with our pediatrician, and at two years old, we started having the conversation with our pediatrician about it because we're kind of seeing the signs then. And she said, hold off until she's five and then have her tested at five. But we also found out

at five that she has um they called it primitive reflexes hadn't released okay when she was five and so she did two years of occupational therapy and she finally met all of her goals for that excellent and so i part of me wonders what two more years of occupational therapy would would do part of me wonders is her outburst because she's in an unsafe classroom where kids are picking on her because she's a little bit different or the teacher doesn't know how to handle it.

Part of me wonders if there's additional allergies that are expressing themselves in different ways as she gets old. See what I'm saying? So there's a lot of questions I would have before I just jump to and let me also be compassionate.

I have sat with these families, I've sat with kids, K through five, and I've sat with high school kids and I'm set with university students who, because they have behavioral outburst and classrooms they're ostracized socially and every day is just a failure factory yeah and i i get how frustrating and hard it is to see your kids struggling so much all the

time man i honor that and it's so much so um i just want the right professionals to sit down with your kid and if this if you're in a public school there in dallas then they've got to take care of the testing and yeah and our school does a great absolutely great job with it awesome great that makes my heart feel so big awesome um because we're also starting to look at um she's still a little bit young but as we get past the um like in january they're gonna look at because there's also possible dyslexia too sure you got it and so so we're we unfortunately we are I would almost sit there and say we're sometimes too involved, but we stay on top of a lot of stuff.

Sure. And man, it sounds like you've got a lot of hats to wear. Let me challenge you to do this. Find ways, and this is going to be with you and your wife, find ways every single day to make sure that you put both hands on your daughter's face

and find one or two or three things to celebrate about her. Okay. Okay. Yep. Otherwise, she's going to get a meta-narrative that she is broken. And it could be that she's amazing. She just doesn't fit in a traditional structure. Right.

And that's something that we have been battling with because she does, she is extremely critical of herself and hard on herself. And she's probably parroting what some of her classmates say about her frustrations, the adults in her life. experience with her and here's an example i sat down with my daughter of as a few years ago now and i said hey i need to have a very serious almost grown-up conversation can you do that and she stood up big and tall and she's like yes what is it dad and i said you got mostly my brain and she said what do you mean and i and i laid it out because i've got some challenges with OCD, I've got some challenges with ADHD, I've got some challenges and anxiety. I laid it out. And I also said, so we have to pay extra attention to how big our feelings are. We have to pay

extra attention to our actions. And this makes us incredibly more than anybody else able to feel other people who are hurting. And so the world needs folks like us to go help. And that lit her up like a Christmas tree. And so you can do a quick chat GBT or a quick Google of entrepreneurs with dyslexia. You can do a quick chat GBT or whatever of people who are out there in the world making a difference who also have childhood and or adult ADHD. And what we want our kids to know is you've got some struggles in this traditional set of train tracks that all kids have to ride on, but also you have some.

superpowers. Yeah, and my wife actually started doing that at bedtime to where she'll pull up someone that has, like, she'd type in, like, famous people that have ADHD, and, like, one of the persons was Albert Einstein. And so they kind of do, like, a little five-minute video or audio thing, just talking about Albert Einstein or other people. That's something that we just started doing. Very cool.

But that has to be coupled with not other people. it has to be coupled with because here's the thing she's not Albert Einstein right correct and she's smart but not that level but what can happen is if she's failing

in traditional academics even though she's really smart and she's failing in social engagement because she just sees the world and experiences it either more heavy or more sped up or more slow down and then someone says well look Albert Einstein has the same thing you have

and she realizes she's not Albert Einstein it weirdly contributes to, oh, I'm not enough. Right. And luckily, academically, she isn't struggling. Okay. Where she struggled is because the teacher will tell it one time, and she completely understands it, and now is bored. Of course.

And so that's where we struggle. It's more of the social engagement. Well, and that's where a lot of, especially at young kids, I'm glad you said this, sometimes what comes across is ADHD is kids are bored out of their minds and sometimes some extra support, extra challenge.

I know of young kids who get pulled out of a traditional class and they're taken into an enrichment class with art or music or creative writing or solving intense math problems, right? But it can be a way to stimulate a kid who is just bored to death. All that's to say is this. Here's the deal.

You sounds like you and your wife for doing an amazing job, staying on top of this. I don't want to go down any pharmacological route. I don't want to go get my kid medicine. It's not sound like a nerd. I don't want to get my kid's medicine until I have met with a clinician who has done the testing and can sit with us and confirm. And then, even then, I might say, are there non-medicinal approaches or there

non-pharmacological approaches to this? Are there some steps we can try and to intervene with before we go here? And then if the physician says, hey, given the full context of your kid, if this was my child, and I always ask, I'll ask every doctor I have, what if this was you or your kid? Then my child, this is what I would do for this period of time. And here's the protocol I would use. And if you don't have peace or trust the doctor, then I'd go get another one. But don't Google it. Don't go down YouTube for diagnostics. interventions. That's where we've all landed is everybody's, never mind. I'm going on that rabbit all. Man, your daughter's so lucky to have you and your wife in her life, Robert. I'm grateful for you. Get that testing done before you make any next decisions and then partner with a doctor and ask the question, if this was your child, what would the next move be? Get the academic

testing done. Get the ADHD testing done. And it could be any number of things going on. And I want to get a full picture before I start altering my child's chemistry. And if that's what's necessary, I'm all in. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. I've never talked about this on my show ever before, but I love my dogs. Right now I've got three dogs. I've had dogs my whole life. I had my rider-dye dog in college, the dog I got when I got married. And like I said, now I've got a house full of three dogs. And we've got turtles, snakes. We've got all kinds of pets at our house. And when you have kids and tons of pets, you're going to need pet care. And if you're like me and you love your pets, you have found yourself trying to find a vet

in the middle of the night, spending all day trying to find vets for regular care. And it's impossible to get an appointment. And all any of us want is just some information and care from people we trust for our pets. And this is why I love Dutch. Dutch is the leading pet. health service that gives you 24-7 access to licensed vets anytime, anywhere. Dutch can treat over 150 common pet conditions, giving you expert care in minutes with no waiting rooms and no long waits to get in. That's amazing. With a 10-minute call from your home, you can be on your way to a treatment plan. The Dutch membership covers up to five pets. You get unlimited visits, unlimited follow-ups and prescriptions shipped free.

And with my code, all of that is less than $7 a month. The average pet owner saves over $800 a year with Dutch. If you have ever felt helpless, trying to get care for your beloved pet, Dutch gives you the peace of mind you've been looking for. Go to dutch.com slash deloni and use code Deloney to get $50 off a year of vet care. Again, that's dutch.com slash deloni, use code deloni. Go love your pets. All right, Kelly, am I the problem?

All right, so this is from Heather in Osceola, Indiana. By the way, cool camo shirt. Well, it's Cammo Thursday here at the office. Never heard of that before. Yeah, I have two. pieces of camo, and I just alternate weeks. I guess you're going as night, Ben.

Everyone would know I'm a poser if I did Cammo Thursday. That's fair. We all think that anyway, but whatever. I thought you were shouting up because deer season opens on Saturday. I thought you were like, being one of the team. Yeah, that's it. And like, it's black

camo at what world? I don't even know where this is like, I'm camo at a goth club, or what? No, if you're Knight Woods hunting, duh. Oh, that. I don't know. Yeah, no. Anywho, Heather from Osceola, Indiana, writes, My husband and I have been together for 15 years.

My house being clean is my happy place. We've had multiple discussions about him respecting that and helping keep the house clean. I've given up on him helping around the house. I'm just asking for him not to contribute to the mess at this point. We already have six- and four-year-old boys. Yet I constantly find his shoes next to the shoe place at the door, and his clothes next to the hamper in our bedroom and all of his stuff dumped all over where

he drops it. These are just a few examples. When I bring up how upset it makes me, he says he doesn't even think about it. Is that even possible? After 15 years of me complaining about the same behavior, why does he still do this? Or does he just not care enough about my feelings and he needs to put in the effort? Am I the problem for expecting him to care about my need for a clean house. Yes. It's your problem. I'm just kidding. It's not. Kelly gave me a mean her camo Kelly look. I read that last sentence again because I think this is the problem with that email. Am I the problem for expecting him to care about my need for a clean house? That's the problem. You have identified this in the same breadth of oxygen, food, and water. This isn't a need.

This is a thing that you really want. And there's something underneath this, which is, this is how I feel with a clean house. This is what a clean house means to me. And it's getting to that conversation. To answer the question, absolutely, this is a problem I have. I'll walk through a house. I won't see it.

It won't, I wouldn't even occur to me that there's stuff laying there on the floor until there's a ton of it and then I see it everywhere. And then I freak out. So, yes, he can walk through the house. and it could be that he is drives up to the house and he's like put your phone away and go love your wife put your phone away and go love your wife go love and be present with the kids those boys have been running running her ragged i'm going to go be with those boys and he kicks his shoes off real fast and goes to do the thing that he think right so i guess what i would say is a

he needs to suck it up and be a grown man and clean up after himself it's ridiculous and there is a sense of compassion you all are talking past each other right now and so getting to the beneath the thing beneath the thing, beneath the thing. He can't say, oh, just don't see it. Okay, well, now I'm telling you, you got to figure out a way to see it, okay? I've been there. And when you throw around the word need, man, that creates unnecessary burden around this conversation. I want a clean house. It means something to me. And it may be, I want it so much that I'm going to do little extra work. I'm asking you not to actively destroy it. That's a fair request you're not the problem and he needs to be a grown man that loves his wife right so it's both

and in this situation but i think clearing this here's what i promise you kelly there's more to this story there's other things he's not attentive to and there's other things that she wishes or she says i need you to and i need you to and i need you two and i need you two that need to be addressed here um that's just the truth of it but for 15 years brother needs to get over himself and participate in his household that's the other side of that um we deal with this at our house because i am a drill sergeant and wears camo and my husband is more like you he likes things out and on display yeah um and it wasn't until i finally told him because i did that for years instead of saying why it was just agriped about it pick up your stuff pick up your stuff don't do that don't do that and until i finally explained

i feel unsettled and i don't feel like i can relax in my own home when things are a mess and then he was like oh I don't he didn't want to make me feel unsettled and wanted me to be able to relax

in our home because that benefits him if I'm more relaxed and then he started it benefits all of us when you're relaxed but he started making changes in the way he did things and I have certain areas of the house I know that y'all do too where I don't complain about his office as long as the door

can shut I don't complain and I go in there and I break out in hives but I don't go in there but that idea I had to finally tell him what it made me feel and how unsettled it made me feel

and I knew that some of that came from my mother like you didn't leave a dish in the sink at all and I've relaxed on a lot of that but he knew that that caused some emotions in me when things weren't put away and so you know we had to come

to some compromise but yeah Instead of just griping about it, letting him know it how it made me feel and how he could help me feel more comfortable in our own home, helped a lot. And I'll tell you on the other side of this equation, a note that I used to have in my car all the time, a note they used to have by my bed was the phrase, don't forget to remember. And what I meant by that is I would get out of my car and I wouldn't even see the trash or the cups. I just get out of the car and run into the house because I'm on to the next thing. And I would see this little note that said, don't forget to remember how good it's. feels to get into a clean car and I would stop and I'd literally look around like oh man there's three cups in here and some trash in my bag and whatever and I would put that by the corner of my bed

don't forget to remember how good it feels to get into a bed at night when the bed is when the bed is made and your night stand doesn't have 75 books piled up all over it and so that phrase don't forget to remember was the key for me to change being on time I don't do that here but at my house and keeping stuff picked up and it just helped me walk into a space and be able to see all that stuff. Otherwise, I just get lost in my head and the next fun thing I'm on to or the next crazy adventure I'm on to

and I just miss it. So there you go. Thank you so, so much for being on the show, in the show with this show. And Kelly, thanks for hiding your top half from us. Except for just like two floating half arms in there. It's terrifying.

Terrifying. I just felt you flipped me off in your mind. I felt it. It burns, Kelly. It burns.