The Dr. John Delony Show - Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?

Episode Date: January 6, 2025

📱Early access: Watch episodes of The Dr. John Delony Show one week early—download the free Ramsey Network app today! On today’s episode, we hear about: ·      A woman wondering if she should include her daughter’s dad in her life ·      A mother trying to help her son after a traumatic event ·      A sister struggling with her brother after he moved into their home Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at BON CHARGE. 🌿 Get up to 40% off at Cozy Earth with code DELONY. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off at Organifi with code DELONY. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights  🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy

Do I involve my daughter's biological dad in school activities when he shows no interest otherwise to pick her up or? What's the custody arrangement? There is no legal custody arrangement. We kind of just left it for now. Don't do that, please. Please don't do that. What up? it for now. Don't do that please. Please don't do that.

What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Delaney show. Taking your calls from all over planet earth. Taking your calls on your relationships, your marriages, your kids, what to do next with your emotional and your mental health. Schooling, whatever you got going on in your life, here's my promise. I'll sit with you. We'll figure out what's the next right move. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johnvillone.com slash ask, ASK. And I get questions from all over the planet from Europe from

Some Asian countries from Australia. Yes, you can write in yes We've had people from other countries on the show John Delaney comm slash ask and we'll figure out a way that we can connect if we can line up our schedules together So I'd love to have you on the show and take a quick second, quick second, hit subscribe on the YouTubes. Man, thank you so, so much. All right, let's go out to Anaheim, California and talk to Jennifer. What's up, Jennifer? Hi, John. How are you? I mean, I'm dancing like I've never danced before. How about you? Oh, I just woke up.

I'm not dancing, so same team. What's up? Okay. So my question is, do I involve my daughter's biological dad in school activities when he shows no interest otherwise to pick her up or, you know, yeah, pretty much just pick her up otherwise. No, but continue and tell me your story. Okay. So there was, she just started school, she's five, and there was a teacher's conference.

And, you know, I thought it was, you know, my due diligence to tell him like, oh, there's a teacher's conference. If you would want to be involved, you can. Um, and you know, he was like, yeah, sure. But then my husband, um, he had a problem with it and he he feels like because my daughter's biological dad doesn't show interest in picking her up on his days off, he has three days off, which four days, he has three days off. And he doesn't pick her up on those days, which I feel he should. Yeah. So- What's the custody arrangement?

There is no legal custody arrangement. We kind of just left it for now. Don't do that, please. Please don't do that. Well, I'm only 24. I had her when I was 19. I know. And so I'm telling you as an old man, I'm a thousand years old.

Please get a legal custody arrangement. Please, please, please, please, please. The greatest gift you can give her is some clarity. Because what's going to happen is he's going to meet somebody and that person's going to start running everybody's life. And, or you're gonna make a decision based on, I don't use this word mean, I mean this in the best sense, but based on a fantasy. Like I had a baby, an amazing young girl by this guy.

He's kind of been a deadbeat. I'm remarried, I'm going on with my life, but he is going to rise to the challenge and be a great friend and co-parent to our amazing little daughter. He's not He sucks And so you're gonna keep ticking along what you're gonna find yourself doing is Trying to drag him into a situation that he is behaviors a language

He is letting everybody know including his precious little baby girl. I don't want anything to do with this but someday somebody's gonna sue you for custody and He's gonna show you look at all these Conferences I went to look at all this and he never picked her up never helped never put a dime on the table I I can't tell you how important is to get a custody right agreement Illegal and then just follow it. But to answer your broad question without an agreement, if you have a guy here that shows no interest, doesn't pick his daughter up, isn't driving you crazy trying to see his precious baby girl,

then he is telling you on a day-to-day, minute-by-minute, second-by-second basis, I by minute second by second basis. I don't care about your life I don't care about her life And so he doesn't he's opting out and so no he doesn't he is not a part of her rhythms of her life And will that come back and haunt her God? Yes But what you and your new husband can do is give her an amazing tethered home so that when she begins asking the terrifying question, what was so bad about me that daddy chose to opt out of my life, that she'll at least have an anchored stable group of adults, a mom and a dad, at home that she can stay tethered to while she really

goes through that haunted house. Does that make sense? Yeah, you really got me thinking now. Tell me we've thought about the custody thing. Um, and there was a time where, you know, things got very crazy and we thought about it. We think we would win just because we actually, we have everything settled. We have our own apartment, you know, we're both working.

We have our son as well. And, you know, we've got life together. A great thing that will be in your favor is four years of dad being completely MIA And really what you'll go to and you'll petition the court to just Codify what is can we just go ahead and get in writing? that This guy wants nothing to do with her as he's demonstrated for the last four years

This guy wants nothing to do with her as he's demonstrated for the last four years. What you don't want to do is have him get married and have somebody think that they can somehow have access to your husband's going to get a giant promotion one day. You're not going to get a house and your deadbeat ex is going to have somebody in his life that's going to want some of that money. And your daughter will become a bargaining chip. Not doing that. It may happen anyway, but at least you'll have some established precedent. Did he show up to the school meeting?

No, he didn't. Yeah. I'm done. Yeah. And I think the person that's gonna have to grieve the most here is you. Because probably for five years you've wanted this man to be something that he is not. Most definitely, yeah. You've wanted him to become somebody that he does not have any interest in becoming. If you sat down with your current new husband, how long have you all been married? We've been married for almost four years now.

Okay. If I'm you, you may not get this, but I would file for full custody and I'd also file for termination of parental rights and my husband gets to adopt her. That would be a dream. I would go get an attorney and see if you can make that happen and that will probably be expensive and your attorney can tell you whether they think they can win or not. California's got some wonky stuff, but it often falls against the man, especially the deadbeat. And you may have an opportunity here. Because one day I want your current husband, is he a good man?

Very, he grew up a Christian, biblically, you know. I know a lot of moronic Christians though. Is he a good guy? No, he's a very good guy. I promise you. Okay. So I would love for him when your daughter's deconstructing, which will happen, I would love for him to be able to look at her and say, yeah, but I chose you. I went and fought the courts for you.

You're right. Your daddy, he chose something else. I'm so sorry. None of us can change that, but I never want you to forget. I went and got you. I want that to be his story. Is that fair? Yeah, I know that's been a topic of conversation.

She still calls my husband by his first name. That's fair. How much interaction has she had with bio dad? She's been with him since a year old. Does she go stay with him? Does she go spend the night with him? How does that work? Oh, no, no, no, no. I was like you said with a biological dad.

Yes. No. Yeah. Since she was born, she was going to see him like, you know, on his weekends. I've been with my husband since she was a year old. And so after that point, that's when he started just doing visitation. I usually, it was once a week, um, because that's all he could manage. Uh, we do live quite far apart, but, um, yeah. So eventually when she started school, that kind of started dwindling down

because now his days offer on the weekdays. And, you know, he has some, the weekends that he could take her, but it's just very wonky and he's trying to get his schedule fixed, but I know the type of person that he is and he's not the type to really get working on things. Yeah, I can imagine that's heartbreaking for a father and that I'm going to be tired on my days off because I'm going to get up at five o'clock in the morning and be at your house by six thirty in the morning so I can take her to breakfast, I can take her to school. And I'm going to work on my GED or I'm going to work on a certification class in town and I'm going to pick her up from school and we're going to go get ice cream.

Because she's the most important thing that ever happened to me ever, ever, ever. And I just don't have a lot of sympathy for anything else. But I think it's so broadly answering your question. Number one, no. If dad is showing no interest, behavior is a language. He's opted out. Number two, there's got to be some legal protection here for your daughter, for you and your new husband, and quite frankly for her bio dad.

Give him some sort of opportunity to speak up publicly with I think he's I think he's done five years of speaking up but but to really sit down and clarify stuff. This ambiguity I promise you promise you promise you will come back and bite you and if it bites you the person who will pay the biggest price is your daughter. So for her sake, let's get this thing wrapped up and protected. That might mean that you miss a weekend or that might mean fine, great. If dad's going to step up and be a part of this thing, cool. But man, ambiguity does not work in these situations. Thanks for the call my friend.

I wish you guys the best. We'll be right back. I'm a founding member of the Get Off the Internet and Go Outside and Live Your Life Club. Actually, I think I'm the only member. Yet I, like all of you, find myself at work and in my personal life basically living on the internets.

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I don't do that on how the internet to work just go find the Ramsey Network app y'all know how to do that more than I do it's got the Charleston West Virginia dr. Alex what's up Alex hey hey dr. John thanks for taking my call yeah what's up how we doing I'm doing good how are you excellent what's going on in your world um so my question is how can I help my son overcome his fear of the woods after he witnessed his dad in a hiking accident? Oh man, tell me more about it.

So my husband and son were hiking on my parents' farm and my husband slipped and fell and broke his ankle and dislocated it pretty badly. Pretty gnarly? Yeah, pretty bad. It's got a lot of hardware in there now, but he's since had some surgery. He's recovering pretty smoothly. So we're hoping he'll be walking here soon. The problem is that my son was with him whenever he fell and My husband is not a very hide your emotions kind of guy. Okay He's very loud and he screamed and he would I know he was in pain, but he screamed really loud and men love

Men love to let other people know that we're in pain On the other hand, he's very bubbly and happy. And he was yelling for me saying that daddy hurt his leg. He was very scared. And so we ran up there, I got my husband settled, I took him to the ER and got him taken care of. But since the accident, my son has been very scared of where the accident happened in the woods. My husband and son both have ADB and I have found independently that the woods and hiking is like the place where they calm down. It's a magic, magic. When you find that out and finally figure that out and you realize

what we do to kids in schools, especially little boys, you realize what the great travesty we've done to a generation of human is. But yes, I'm 100% with you. Me and my son live in the woods. It's so, and my daughter too. It's just yes, yes, and yes. Yeah. So now I'm kind of worried because now he's very scared of the woods and I want to help them to overcome that

Fear so we can go hiking and and to go camping and stuff again. Like I said, we're in West Virginia So we have woods everywhere. That's right. That's right. So The greatest gift that could be given to that four-year-old little boy is your husband with his crutches goes back out Even if it's just a little bit Mm-hmm and takes old little boy is your husband with his crutches goes back out, even if it's just a little bit and takes that little boy with him. Okay. Your little boy is absorbing the fear and the tension in the home,

especially from dad. He got scared. His body, he learned at a very young age that dad's not the suit, is not Superman. I remember being a very young kid, maybe five or six or seven, arguing with my dad that my dad could beat up I don't remember like Arnold Schwarzenegger or something and my dad was like I can't son and I was like yes you can but he's my dad right and so you're a four-year-old

not only did he see dad get hurt in the woods but his world shattered. My dad's a human most people don't figure that out until their dad like they find out about infidelity or he doesn't clear his search history or he gets cancer, right? That's when they find out. Your son found out at four, right? And so dad needs to go back with him out into the woods. So what we're going to, the nerd is, the nerd word is exposure. We're going to gently walk him back through it. Another thing you could possibly do with him is have him draw a picture of the woods. And at night, begin drawing pictures with him so he can begin to conjure up pictures

of the woods, but he's got the relational safety of being right next to mom at the kitchen table. And he can draw, what's a scary thing that happened in the woods? And he'll probably draw a picture of dad falling down or a slippery rock and then say, draw me something that's awesome in the woods. And you'll find four-year-olds are in,

they're like Gumby. They are so resilient if the adults in their lives are resilient too. So can I ask you a hard question? Is your husband laying around moaning still or is he being pretty tough about everything? Not tough, not like in the Marlboro Man tough, but is he working on healing or is he soaking this thing up? I think he had a little bit of time where he did kind of had a pity party for a little bit.

I don't mean that mean, but I mean, it's kind of soaking that in. But since like this past weekend, he's been hopping on one leg around, he's been going back to work, he's been doing things on himself, trying to do exercises and stuff. So he's kinda getting me back up. If he'll invite his son with him, hey, will you help daddy do these exercises? Daddy needs your help on some of these exercises

because we're gonna make my leg real strong again. And we're not gonna use words like we're gonna fix because daddy's not broken. There's nothing wrong with dad. Dad just got hurt and his legs healing up. And so little boy is gonna participate in the work dad is going to do to get back out there. And then if he's got some crutches

and he can begin to say, hey, let's go out there and see if we can find a bird. I need to see a bird would make me feel better right now. Let's and see if we can find a bird. I need, I need to see a bird would make me feel better right now. Let's go see if we can find a bird. Daddy, I don't want to. I'm going to go. I want you to go with me. Um, and we're going to invite them out and you can start drawing pictures.

Now I want you to hear for everybody listening, especially, I want you to hear what I'm not doing. You can't fix this. You can't heal this as much as dad can. Okay? Because this is scary about the woods, but the woods now represent a place that took the soul, took the air of my dad's mystique away. That's what the big fear is, not the slippery rock. Okay? So it would be cool if you could just grab his hand and go out in the woods. That'd be fine.

It's going to be different. Dad needs to be... It would really facilitate things. If you're the only one left, if dad had died in the woods and you're the only one left, then yes, you'd be the go-to. But if dad can make his way out there, bring little boy with him, and little boy may not want to come, that's okay. He'll end up going.

He'll end up going. He'll end up going. Okay. Does that make sense? Yeah. Does that make you uncomfortable as a mom? Are you cool with that? No, no, I'm very cool with that.

Okay. All right. Everything that's happening in your house is as it should be. Your little boy, there's not something wrong with him forever. Mm-hmm, okay, good. He's not ruined forever. Okay. He's not somehow dysfunctional.

He's gonna have parent. He can develop fear over time if you'll never head back out. Okay. If he learns that is a place we never ever go ever again, it's the dark scary house at the end of the block, he'll put that GPS pin in his nervous system. Here's a good example. I have a friend who's an adult who is an incredibly accomplished higher education executive.

And when a storm comes, there's a a tornado warning he gets catatonic it is wild and he had a scary situation he was a kid like they had to get in the get in the in the bathtub underneath the underneath a mattress you know scary situation like tornado hit town what didn't happen after that, I'm assuming, is that there wasn't conversations in the house. There wasn't norming. Like my kids know you just go to the basement, there's a storm coming, but they feel mom and dad acting quickly and with purpose, but not panicked. And sometimes we'll go outside and watch a storm come in when I know it's not going to be terrifying, right? So I don't want my kids to just to their bodies to shut off when it comes to weather

But there's there's an appropriate response to things we got to do we got to do these exercises to help your husband heal get strong again and Man, there's some amazing things out in the woods Not I mean Especially peace for somebody whose mind is can be a little bit scattered. So good on you, mom. I appreciate you calling in. I think everything's going to work out great for your family.

I enjoy a good pity party for a couple of days after an injury. I do. And then it's time to get up and get after it. And that doesn't mean be a goofball. It doesn't mean be like, oh, I'm going to snap into a simp. That's idiotic. It does mean I'm going to do the things I need to do to be well and strong so that I can go do the things that keep me well and whole.

It's awesome, Alex. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. Okay. Before we get back to the show, let's talk about Organifi. Good folks. Okay, before we get back to the show, let's talk about Organifi. Good folks, health and wellness is an adventure and a journey, not a destination. You can never eat so great or work out so hard on one particular day that you're good

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All right. Let's go out to Dallas, Texas, home of the failing Cowboys and talk to Brooke. What's up, Brooke? Hello, John. Thank you for having me on your show. I'm super excited. You said that all through like, thank you. I'm super excited. Thank you for having me on your show. It means a lot. You got it. What's up? So I guess just briefly, my question is, how do I help my brother that is staying with us be financially responsible?

And I can kind of dive into that a little bit more if you would like. Yeah, tell me about it. Okay, so a long story short, my brother moved in with us this last August and he was kind of like at a rock bottom place and my husband and I, um, told him that he could come stay with us and, you know, he was kind of struggling financially and I believe that he struggles, um, as an alcoholic and struggles with, um, maybe like a, um,

a gambling addiction and, you know, we just kind of laid it out for him, you know, that we want him to get, we could come stay with us. Um, here. And I guess, talk right into your phone for me. Yes. Can you hear me better? Yeah, much better. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. And so he's staying with us He has a job and I guess our only obligation for him was that he had to Stick to a budget and we're not asking him to you know pay any bills or anything We just wanted him to stick to a budget to be able to pay his debt off But I think for us It's kind of like I'm I feel like having to mother him to stay on that budget and I don't want to damage

our relationship and I don't want my husband and I's relationship to become impaired because you know, I'm I'm kind of like in a hard situation You know my husband supports him being there obviously but it is a hard balance between the two. Sure. So, well, here's what you did. You put a boundary down. Okay. And so, when you have a boundary, you have to have some sort of accountability tool. Okay. For you to live here, you must do a budget. And so, the accountability tool means every

week you have to show it to me. And that's what we were doing. And so like last month it was kind of derailed and it just feels like. How, what does that mean? It was kind of derailed or your brother spent a lot of money? Yeah, he spent a lot of money that he didn't account. So we want to sit down and like say you have to account for every dollar. Okay, that's different than I want you to have a keep a budget. Okay, so and I guess that's where I'm like is that too, is that like a little bit too

much like we're, we're wanting him to sit down and go over his finances and account for every dollar because this is kind of my demeanor behind it too. Like we're not asking you to pay any bills. You know, my husband and I both work, we have five kids, our plate is like to the max. And so when you're, you know, stopping at the convenience store every day, or you're eating out every day,

or you're buying stuff, or you're buying bait, like that to me is like not okay. And so I'm having a hard time, like not trying to be his parent, but also holding him accountable. He didn't ask for your accountability. Okay. And I know that's hard to hear. So how do I, how do I, how do I get myself out of this situation? You for some reason think you can save him.

And he's trying to let you know, I don't want your saving. I think you're totally right. And I can't think of a more heartbreaking thing than a brother or a sister trying to save their sibling. He don't want your help. He wants just keep living his life. He wants you to bail him out. He wants you to feed him and give him free rent

And I have a passive personality So how do I It's really hard for me to sit down and say hey listen brother, and this is what my husband's told me He's like, hey, honey, like I know you want to help them But you have to you have to let him go and figure it out. How do, how do I do that? Because this is kind of like another thing I'm struggling with. My brother came to stay with us and two days later, my husband lost his twin brother to suicide. And so we, he came to stay with us and we're walking through that. And it's like, I just worry about him hitting rock bottom, which I know I can't be his

savior in your right, but just totally hit the nail on the head. Yeah. It like give yourself some grace. You guys lost somebody so, so close. And my impulses the same as yours. I want all my chickens real close to me. All of them real close. My kids will never know how many times I get up and walk by their doors when they're sleeping. Yeah.

They'll never know. And I just naturally have that personality. And so... Did you and your brother, was it pretty tough growing up? Yes, we had a tough childhood. Okay. And it sounds like he's still got demons and he's figured out a couple of tools that quite honestly work. They numb the pain. Yes.

And you learned at a real young age, I'm going to make sure everybody's okay because that'll keep me safe. And so hear me say, you didn't not keep your brother-in-law safe. That's not on you. And you can't extract the hurt from the other half of your husband's heart because he lost his twin brother. And so you can sit with him but you can't make that okay. That's a hurt that you can't absolve him from and you've been trying to take people's hurt from them your whole life. And your ding-dong brother who you love to the moon and back is just choosing to

Your ding-dong brother who you love to the moon and back is just choosing to burn his life down like a candle. Well, and I feel like he's only doing good because we have our thumb on him. And I'm just like, I'm so just overwhelmed every day between being a wife and a mother and so many things. And I'm just like, I want him to do good and right, but I don't have the energy to exert on make like, okay, did you do your budget today? Okay, like you can't be spending money like, you know,

so like, how do I move forward? What's the next best thing as I hear you say, like what do I do to not sever the relationship, but also let him know that, okay, brother, like I hear you say, like, what do I do to not sever the relationship but also let him know that, okay, brother, like, I love you, but how do I sit down and like have this conversation or... Did somebody leave you growing up? Yes. Who left?

My grandmother raised me. So my mom and dad were never in the picture. Will you do me a favor? Yes. Will you take both of your shoulders and clench them up as tight as you can around your ears real tight and then count backwards from three to one and drop them. Okay. I don't want you to hear me. They left because something was going on with them, not because of you.

Yes. Okay. It took me a while to realize that, but yes. But you still think if your brother struggles with alcohol and he gets pissed off and leaves that it's your fault. It's not. If there is a severing of the relationship it's because he chose to walk away. Okay. Your husband's brother very very sick struggling deeply and made a choice that

he can't take back. Yeah. That's not a relationship that you sever. The one person you have never stopped to put both hands on the bathroom counter and look into their eyes and ask what do you want is you. So the next right move is you being really really honest with Brooke and asking what do I need right now and if the first thing that pops in your head is I need my house back I need this guy out of my house then that's your answer if your first response is I need some help with the kids awesome sit down with your husband talk about hiring a college student to The response is, I need some help with the kids. Awesome. Sit down with your husband and talk about hiring

a college student to come by a couple hours a week to play. If the first thought is, I miss my husband so much I can't breathe, then y'all figure that out. Or I need some me time. I'm gonna go back to school, I hate my job. I wanna give three of my kids back because five is too many. I don't know what it is, right? But like, I hate my job. I wanna give three of my kids back because five is too many. I don't know what it is, right?

But like, I want you for the first time to write down a piece of paper. What do you want? What do you need? In counseling, there's a nerd word, we call it leakage. The stuff that you're hanging on to real tight will find a way out. And it usually happens at an inopportune time.

find a way out and it usually happens at an inopportune time. Or you can in a controlled burn take the lid off and relieve some of that pressure intentionally. Does that make sense? Yeah. The second part of this is I think it'd be really wise to sit down with your husband because you know you're in this and I do this with my wife sometimes when I'm over my head emotionally. I'm a very emotional guy. I write everything down with the help of somebody that can see a situation clearer than me and I will go have the direct hard conversation with it written down. Brother, I'm acting like your mom.

You don't want that. I don't want that. And I don't like checking up on you. You don't want that. I don't want that. And I don't like checking up on you. You're a grown man. You don't need me to do that. I'm wanting this more than you want this. So here's the deal. In 60 days, I'm going to need you to move out, find a place to live. Or in 30 days, I need you to find a place to live. I want you to be my brother. I don't need, I don't want you to be a sixth kid. What are you kicking me out? What are you? No, no, no, no, no.

Let's just be honest. I'm not going to check your budget every week. I'm not going to get, I can't be checking up every time you buy something at the gas station. Every time you're vaping out in the backyard. I, like, this is awkward. You got 30 days, you got 60 days. And I'll be your biggest advocate.

And if you ever want help with budget, with money, with whatever, I'll be here. But let's call this what this is, OK? And then that's the best you can do, Brooke. And if he throws a fit and screams and yells and calls you, you're leaving me just like mom did or dad did, then he is he's showing you his true colors and he's gonna head off. Or if he exhales and says you're right dude, thank you. You gave me you gave me two months of kind of a gap a glitch in the matrix, get my feet

under me and I'll be on my way. And I know it's easy to... And I think, you know, my husband has said, you know, the same thing. And so I think it just resonates and I know like that's probably the best thing. It's just, you know, being that I feel like having that hard conversation of how I'm going to say that, not so much how he's maybe going to receive it, but I just feel wrong for doing that. But then again, I'm like, you know, my husband is, he's such a hard worker and does what

it takes to provide every day. And I wanted my brother to get on this beat so that he could provide for his son. And it's just like, you know, I can't, I'm not, I feel like I'm kind of punishing my husband too, because he sacrifices so much for our family. And you know, I just need him. I'm trying to help make my brother have the same drive as my husband. And it's not that it's not so. Hey, Brooke, can I tell you what I really think?

Yes. I think you're punishing Brooke. I think, yeah, it's hard on your husband, but he married you. He loves you for every bit of the people pleaser you are. He loves you for every bit of you taking You take in every stray dog and cat. He loves you for that. Is it annoying? Yes.

Is it expensive? Yes. But he loves you for that. But you Brooke keep carrying around that somehow you're going to be the person that keeps this thing duct taped together because mom and dad didn't and you don't have that kind of power. And so- And it's funny you say that because like so many of my siblings have lived with me

for various, you know, just getting on their feet and I'm the person they call and it's like I want it more than they do. And then I get myself in a hard situation because I pour so much into it. And then at the end of the day, you know, I'm the one who gets crapped on for a better word. That's right.

And here's the thing. It goes back to that original thing I said, mom and dad didn't leave because of you. They left because they had their own demons. Yeah. And somehow you don't think you're worth the life that you have now. You don't think you're worth this amazing husband.

You don't think you're worth these beautiful five kids in this nice house you live in. And as long as you keep carrying that story around, you're going to keep letting in every stray cat that doesn't want to improve their life. Anybody can come can come stay with me and my family if they're, if they want to turn the knob. People come stay with my family if they need a place to crash. But I'm not going to burn my house down for somebody that just wants a place to, to not have to deal with their responsibilities. And so I want you to consider, and this is gonna be a sharp turn for you.

I want you to consider what would you say to Brooke? How would you love Brooke if you were to knock on your door? And you'd probably say something like, God, sister, come here and rest. And if there was a bunch of hound dogs following her, you'd say, hey, get out of here. She needs to rest. She's working, she's got a house of five kids.

She's got an amazing husband that she wants to spend time with. I want you to care about you at least as much. And there's probably some things, I don't want to speak this into your life, but there's probably some ways your husband's been trying to love you for years and you won't let him because you don't think you're worth it. I want you to go tell him you're sorry. Let that poor man love you.

Am I right? Ask him. I don't know. Ask him. I will. Okay. If I'm wrong, I'm happy to be wrong. Ask him. I don't know. Ask him. Mm-hmm. I will. Okay.

If I'm wrong, I'm happy to be wrong. Y'all can just be like, that guy's an idiot, and y'all can say that together. That's great. I have a feeling he'll be like, man, I've been trying. I think I'm going to ask him that question. I don't know the answer. Okay. The world needs more gentle spirits like you. And also, I think your gentle spirit is a very carefully crafted cover up for a very strong, strong, knows what I want and knows how to survive scratching and clawing

hope field woman. And I want her kids to get to meet her. I want your husband to get to meet her. Because she's bad ass. Thank you. I, um, I really appreciate the input and, um, I guess from here it's just having that hard conversation. And, um, my husband and I, you know, we kind of talked about it and we were like, well,

maybe we'll just give it till after the holidays and then, you know, or maybe tell him now that way he can, you know, prepare and save up as much as he can and, you know, be looking. But, um, Can I challenge you one more time? Yes. How old is your oldest kid? He's 14 this Friday. Okay.

He has four Christmases left in your house before he's gone. I know. My husband and I just said that last night. He's got four left. Let's don't take 25% of those as a walking on eggshells for a grown up brother who may throw a temper tantrum at any moment. Okay. I'd rather you give him $2,500 and say we love you. Here's a down payment on an apartment. My husband mentioned that too, but yes. Your husband sounds like the most genius guy who's ever.

He really is. He really is. He honestly is. No, I'm playing. And it's not that I don't respect what he says. It's just like I struggle. No, he married you because he loves himself a spreadsheet and the next right thing and he married you Because you have a heart that's so big

It's like oxygen for him you're perfect for each other and that also is gonna be tension there Mm-hmm. He's gonna want to buy generic dog food and you're gonna want to buy the dog food that like I was blessed by some Holy leader in some other country and it's you know, I'm saying like that's just your heart. It's gonna be awesome. But Yeah, I wouldn't burn five kids worth of a Christmas break dancing on eggshells or maybe you say hey, we're gonna let you stay through Christmas or through December 15th and for those of y'all listening this is in the new year, but we're going to let you stay through December 15th, which is a month from now.

But if there's any kind of XYZ, if you smoke in the house again, if you vape out in the yard again, if you like, you know, things you got to go. So you get to choose whether you stay here or not. But here's the rules for staying for the next 30 days. And then I guess that was where I struggled to is like, you know, talking about holding them accountable, but not really holding them accountable. But yes, I think I feel peace with telling them, you know, giving them that timeframe. And it's just sitting down and having that hard conversation.

And I love them being around, you know, I love him being there, but I just, I think it's time and necessary. Say those words to him. I love it when you choose to be here. And so for the next 30 days, choosing to be here looks like this. Boom, boom, boom, boom.

And if you can tell him, if I made this awkward by having this conversation now, I get that. If you feel awkward here in the house now, I get it. Here's 2000 bucks if you want to go get an apartment. Now, everybody listening, do you have to give 2000? No, you don't have to, but if you're in a position to do it and it just helps,

then I'm all for it. And this is not like you get out of my house right now, that's not that right. This is compassion and this is also honesty and this is you for the first time saying okay I got to put my oxygen mask on. Because in the hierarchy of importance I got this husband that I looked at and said till death do us part I made a covenant. I got these five kids that came into the world because of me. And then I've got this brother who's a grown adult who should be taking care of himself and his family who's made choices up until now to not. So we're going to go in that order of importance.

I'm super, super honored that I got to talk to you today and I'm grateful, grateful for your heart. Call anytime we can help. Hang on the line. I'm gonna send you Financial Peace University for free. And I want you to gift it to your brother. You can tell him, you can stay here 30 days, but you gotta watch all nine lessons. By the way, make all five of your kids watch it.

It'll be fun for them. Actually, some of them will be bored out of their mind, but your 14 year old will like it. And they can watch this thing and they can begin to all Have conversations and learn together. Maybe that'll work count the line here. We'll get you hooked up. We'll be right back This show is sponsored by better help Hey good folks. Listen, we all have stories We have the family and cultural stories that we were born into

We have the stories of the good and the challenging things that have happened to us. And we have the stories that we are constantly telling ourselves. We've got the stories of our past and the stories we have yet to write about our futures, and they're all powerful. And while you can't go back and change any of your old stories,

the world is waiting to see what story you're going to write next. And as we enter 2025, I want to encourage you to examine and even heal your old stories and be intentional about the new ones you're writing. And I'm not talking about goals that will be long gone by February.

I'm talking about new stories that will change your life forever for the better. And if you're like me, therapy can be a great place to explore the old stories and begin writing new ones. Maybe think of your therapist as your editorial partner, helping you write new, better stories. If you're considering therapy, I want you to try calling my friends at BetterHelp.

BetterHelp is 100% online therapy and you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Start writing a new story this month with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash deloney. All right, we're back. Kelly, you have your making fun of me face going. No, I was actually commenting on Keeler made a pretty bad joke yesterday and I was just

commenting on it. Gosh, if people could hear Keeler's jokes, they're fantastic. It was just a bad dad joke. It wasn't like a bad joke. It was just one of those like- But even Keeler's jokes, they're just a bad dad joke. He wouldn't like a bad joke It was just one of those like but even key was bad jokes are fantastic It's pretty good. So we were down there by your NASA station If you could just like we need to give him a microphone He could just pitch in and make jokes the whole time be great. I

do have a microphone I Know but you like don't get canceled and you value your job and blah blah blah Half the things I say probably can't go on the show Probably right about that. There you go. All right. So what you got you got an email Kelly All right. So for those that have listened to the show that's right below this one in the feed We had a caller who was struggling with his girlfriend's Boyfriend his her previous boyfriend had died by suicide. And he was struggling by comparing himself to her ex.

I remember this call. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, for us, it just happened yesterday. But that's still. I remember this call. Yeah. So he sent in a lovely email and I wanted to read it. Awesome. Oh, so he wrote the email 24 hours later. Yeah. He sent this to Taylor. Okay. So it says, John, even though we had a short conversation on the show today and I was extremely nervous, the advice you gave me was life changing in two particular things.

For one, you helped me flip the story. I will be telling myself from now on of the insecure comparison, which is unfair to my girlfriend, to one of understanding that she saw me as someone that brings a light back to her life when it was dark for so long. After you said that, I instantly felt a sense of relief and almost happiness. It showed me that I am capable of being loved. Second, you talked about how this really has nothing to do with her late boyfriend and more

or less has to do with my fear of vulnerability, which I will step into. Our conversation has lifted what felt like shackles that I had around me. And afterwards, I feel as if a deep rooted belief of not being worthy of love has been broken. And every time she tells me she loves me, I will take your advice and say to myself, I believe you. I tried to put these words together the best I can. Altogether, thank you. You are a role model for me and your understanding of life's problems and their solutions is incredible.

Dude, good on that guy. What a great note. It's awesome. Thank you for sending that, man. And I guess if he was sitting right with me, I would give him a quick word of caution. Like being vulnerable almost guarantees that you will get hurt. But it will also guarantee that you can be loved

in a profound and deep way. And so it's both and. Was that, is it C.S. Lewis that says that there's one way to never get hurt, and that is to never love or be loved. Right. And so it's both in a good on him, man. What an amazing kid.

Good on him. Cool. Um, and I guess just one more thing I would pass along, Kelly, like that's just a good example of what kindness looks like. Maybe you could, maybe you could try that one day. It'd be cool. You're doing so good. 2025.

You were doing so good. She's going to be kind in 2025. She's not. Love you guys. Bye. Hey, what up? What up? Listen, the latest episode of my docu-series, United States of Anxiety is available right

now exclusively on the Ramsey Network app. Each episode follows a caller from my show on a 90 day journey to transform their life. You want to know the cool part? I personally walk alongside them throughout it all. This episode features Kelsey whose battle with severe anxiety is putting her most important relationships at risk. And you can only watch this show on the Ramsey Network app.

So make sure you download the app and dive in right now. And while you're there, you can also binge episodes of the Dr. John Delaney show on demand and other Ramsey Network shows like the Ramsey show. And did I mention this app is free? Go ahead and download the Ramsey Network app right now. Go, go.