The Dr. John Delony Show - Should I Stay Friends With My Sister’s Ex?

Episode Date: May 3, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A man unsure of how to navigate a friendship with his sister’s ex-husband - A woman unable to form close, trusting relationships with other women - A racially mixed adoptee struggling with her ethnic identity Enter the Ramsey Cash Giveaway here Shop the $10 Sale here Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm racially mixed. I was put up for adoption at birth. And they're both white. They don't speak Spanish at all. And what I've noticed is since I look Mexican, a lot of Hispanic people expect me to speak Spanish or fit in with the culture somehow, and I don't.

Hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you are with us talking about mental health and parenting and relationships and marriage and kids and school, whatever you got going on. We'll talk about your pets if that would help. I'm not great. What are you waving? Questions for humans? I thought you were flipping me off.

You are not good at like subtlety and like hints and like, hey, don't forget we have to do this and I hold it up. I'm not good at subtlety. That's not shocking. It's not. My wife tells me that like it's been an embarrassing thing for 20 years. You're like the one where, you know, I can see Sheila's trying an embarrassing thing for 20 years like you're like the one where you don't like i can see she was trying to kick you under the table and you're

like why are you kicking me yes or like hey you don't need to be around this person because they want to date you and i'm like what are you talking about you're yeah i the most clueless yeah i don't have to i don't have a lot of friends it's cool but we love you oh do we do you we do oh um like a labrador. Okay. So, hey, if you want to be on the show, and clearly it's one of the best, as seen by how we're launching this this morning. Give me a buzz, dude. 1-844-693-3291.

1-844-693-3291. We have a packed house out there today Packed Packed We got three awesome folks One dude on his phone Good to see you man Maybe you're texting me

I'll holler back at you Alright so we're doing questions for humans Yes because Oh it's a $10 sale It's the May $10 sale And all of the questions for humans are $10. So we're going to do one. You know how much they ask me before they put all my stuff on sale?

Not once. It's cool, though. It's cool. All right, so go for it. All right, so I didn't preface anyone with this question. Preface? Lord, help me. All right.

How old do you feel like you really are and why? That's a great question. Go first, Jenna. Why is it always me first? I feel maybe like 30. I feel like sometimes I feel like I'm like more mature, wiser. Like I have to be like the mother of a group in my friends. So I always feel like I'm like, even though I'm typically the youngest one in my friend group,

I generally feel like I'm the older one. And I was going to say, because you're always like singing Taylor Swift as you skip down the halls, that you're like 13. Yes, that's exactly me. So good. Although I do love me some T-Swift, but I don't tend to skip down the halls. Although I can if you want.

You're not a hall skipper. Ben, what do you say? It's a little bit of a two-part. Emotionally, I feel like 22. Physically, I feel like 40. My bones creak all the time. Knees, joints pop all the time. I throw down at a hardcore show.

That does not get better as you get older. Just heads up. All right. What do you say, Kelly? I would say I feel like closer to late 30s, early 40s. And I'm about to be 49. God, you're old. Go ahead.

Two years older than me, people. Go ahead. Three years. Because I keep feeling like there's got to be other people that are more adult than me. Like, I can't be the adult. And especially now, like, since my mom passed, we have none of our aunts and uncles on that side of the family. So, we cousins are the old ones. You know, we're the oldest now.

We're like, wait, us? Oh, crap. I think that's the great secret to adulthood when you realize that all of the people that you thought had it together were making it up too. Had nothing. Yeah, it's clear.

Like my parents, I had no clue what they were doing. No, making it up. Yeah, which makes you feel better. But yeah, I keep, I still feel like there's got to be somebody that's more of an adult than me. See, I'm trapped between,

based on some text messages I sent this morning, my humor locked in at about 14 and just stopped. It just parked there. And kind of like you're talking, James, like the other night after a hardcore show, like, I'm James, sorry, Ben. The other day after that show, my body was like, we're getting pretty old for the old mosh pits. I remember being a kid in the pit being like,'s that old guy and it occurred to me the other night Oh, that's me now. I'm that guy. I wasn't wearing like a suit jacket though, but but yeah, um, yeah, I think 14 and uh 45 just like uh, jennifer. What's the movie? Who was the woman who played alias? 13 going on 30. Oh yeah.

Jennifer Garner. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. I kind of feel like that. So there you go.

Questions for humans. Oh, Nate dog. I feel like I'm in my mid to late thirties. I'm actually 32, but I feel older because I have four children that sap most energy I could ever possibly accumulate ever. That's the saddest answer.

I just feel like I'm dying. Way to bring the room down, Nathan. Hi, I'm the father of four. This is it. It's true. It's true. Awesome. All right.

Question for humans. Let's go out to James james in h tone what's up james hey dr john thanks for taking my call i really appreciate it of course man what's up hey so first things first go astros how to get that in there yeah dude they're they are not going very fast right now no but there's a lot of games so we're good spoken like a true astro fan okay there's a lot of games ahead so what's up hey so uh relationship question for you um i'll just get right to it and then give you few bullet points so how do i set boundaries with my brother-in-law who is getting a divorce

from my sister that'll keep me healthy emotionally. Is he leaving your sister? I mean, that's kind of getting, I mean, he's the one that filed, but I mean, there's always more to it, you know? So tell me the more to it. So their relationship or what I'm calling about? Yeah, what you're calling about. Okay.

So I'll give you a few bullet points. So in, uh, January they filed for divorce and so just kind of out of respect for them. I, uh, didn't talk to him much. Um, I mean, there's attorneys involved and just to support my sister a hundred percent and just out of respect. So like I said, didn't talk with him much until last week. He sent me some texts, kind of emotionally charged, and I had abandoned him, and he didn't know what I was getting at by not talking to him

and just sort of guilt tripping me a little bit. So I responded, and eventually I just said, hey, let's just meet up for lunch and talk about it. Thank you for being the adult in the room. Well, I mean, I kind of gave in for a few texts, but eventually. I mean, that's like super Dawson's Creek, Alvaro Levine, like, you're not my friend anymore. I'm sending mean texts. It's like, bro, we're adults, man. Just like, let's meet up. But good for you. Okay. Yeah. How'd the lunch go? I gotta support my sis you know she's I mean her husband's leaving her dad's not really in the picture I'm the only brother so I just want to be there for however I can

was he a mature adult and hear that out yes yeah he actually did it's not what he wanted to hear but he said hey okay I mean that hurts but I'm gonna follow your lead moving forward. So I said, Hey, I can't give you a timeframe and I know it's unfair, but I'm treading unfamiliar waters here.

Yeah. I don't think there's anything unfair about it, to be honest with you. I know that marriages go two ways. Well, I know marriages go two ways. There's always two sides to a story. And sometimes the person who finally just calls it, um, is the bad guy. Right. Um, and so he may not be the bad guy here. It may just be, who knows what's going on. But at the end of the day, you get to decide who you're, you are in relationship with. And similar, if you had called and said, Hey, this is like one of my closest friends in the world. Our families play together. We go out all the time.

And I'm not going to lose my friendship just because him and my sister didn't work out. And my sister's having a bad attitude about it. I would tell you she didn't get a vote either. What you need to know is whatever you decide is going to come with a cost and just be okay with that. I say be okay with it. It's not like it's going to be fun. But at the end of cost and just be okay with that. I say be okay with it. It's not like it's going to be fun, but at the end of the day, be okay with it. I know some folks who have filed for divorce and they imagine the other side of divorce as though everything on their life is the same.

They just removed the one puzzle piece that was their husband or wife and then just replaced it with somebody who's more fun and cool and prettier and younger or whatever. But they think that their friends are going to stay the same. Their living arrangements are going to stay the same. It never ceases to amaze me how surprised people are that when you file for divorce, when your marriage breaks up, when you choose to call it on your marriage, it affects everything. It blows up your friendship circles.

It blows up where you hang out. It usually affects your living arrangement, your income. It blows up everything. And so he's going to want to try to hang on to every bit of, this is the way my life used to be and not take full accountability for it no dude everything you know about your former life is over now and you're going to figure out what comes next see what i'm saying and that's not your that's not your responsibility to carry the the other side of this is this has your sister said i don't want you talking to him i don't want you meeting with him i don't want him him in your life. No, no. She, she knows we're all going to have to figure

out our relationship with him moving forward. So why'd you choose this? Why'd you, why is your solution? I got to cut him out. Well, I mean, it's not cut out completely. I mean, I, uh, I just don't want to say something that might be used for, I don't know, maybe the attorneys or something like that. And to be honest with you, it was kind of taxing emotionally to see him, you know, break down while I was talking to him and then talk to my sister and see her break down. And I just feel like being in the middle of it, it brings me down, you know? Yeah, dude. Hold on, hold on, hold on, man. You're in a relationship with these people.

It's your sister and your best friend. Like, this is what we do when we have family members and best friends. We get in the mud with them. Like, if you only want to be around, have friends and family members, unless they're not bumming me out, bro, dude, that makes you not a great friend and not a great brother or sister. Like, of course, it's going to bring you down. And that's why you're there. Like, that's the role you play in this season is sitting with people in their grief. The picture they had for their life is exploded.

It's gone. And that's what friends and community does. And so I guess I would challenge you, man, to not see this like, man, it's just kind of bumming me out, bro. I don't know. I don't identify with that attitude at all. I want to be there for my friends when they're hurt and bad. I got you. And I get you not wanting to say something dumb.

Hopefully, you trust yourself enough to not do that. Maybe you don't, maybe you don't, but what do you think you're going to say? Um, I don't know. Maybe something that my sister has told me that he doesn't know about, or I don't know. Like I said, this is unfamiliar to me. Um, uh, so one, one important thing, let me tell you a couple of things that guide my life, okay? Maybe this helps. Number one, especially in this situation, I don't keep secrets. I'm out. I don't keep secrets.

So if someone's like, hey, I need to tell you this, but you can't tell, nope, I'm out. I don't want to hear that. That's for you and your attorney. I'm not the person. When the smoke clears and all this, we can talk, but right now it's not smart. The second part is my buddies know, my closest friends in the world know, if they leave their wives, I'll love them. I will love them till the end of time, but their wife is welcome at my house. They can come stay with me. Now, they don't have to, and if they wife is welcome at my house. They can come stay with me.

Now, they don't have to. And if they don't want to, then my buddies can come stay too. But I'm not going to just go to war against their spouse because they chose to make decisions. Because their spouse is one of my close friends too. And I'm talking about my core group of people. And so I think you can do both. But also, I'm not worried about accidentally saying something that I shouldn't be saying, or I'm a pretty good vault of a friend. And so I'm not worried about saying this or your family but unfortunately dude this is the rest of your life marriages are gonna blow up your friends are gonna do stupid stuff your friends are gonna go to jail you're gonna get fired from

your job someone's gonna pass away this is the future and so being able to handle that in a dignified way that honors people's confidentiality that doesn't just write people and cut people out um that doesn't just like you hide because man you're making me feel bad because you're sad of course that's that's when friends go in that's when friends go in when the when the building's on fire um that was tough man but i want you to reconsider your role in their lives they've been leaning on you y'all been together for seasons just like this seasons just like this if you can't do it at least yeah good for you you know enough about yourself to know I can't do that but my hope is

you can head into the storm instead of running away from it. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. All right, we are back. Let's go to Ashley in San Clemente, California. What's up, Ashley? Hey, how are you? Good, how are you? Doing all right. All right, what's up? Thank you.

I'm wondering how I can better connect with women after being raised by a narcissistic mother. And now I have two boys and I'm in a new community and just, I'm finding it really hard to maintain friendships with women. It just seems as if it's not going anywhere. I'm just Why do you think that? Give me some evidence that that's true. That you are happy-go-lucky and they just get bored of you and walk away? People seem happy to keep talking to me, keeping up an acquaintanceship of sorts. But after a while of meeting up with our kids and whatnot, it just dies out. And it seems as if that's the case with a lot of friendships I have made here so far.

And I start to think it's not them, it's me. And I don't know. That's fair. I mean, that's fair. Have you tried having people over in your home? I have. It hasn't worked out? Tell me about it.

Yeah, it's worked out. People are really happy. We have a huge yard. All the kids come over, and people, the kids enjoy it. Our kids play well. I can keep a conversation going. We're having a good time, but then it just seems as if maybe they connect with the other moms more and they go off and do their own thing at some point. And I'm just waiting to see if they're going to call or they're going to text or...

Yeah. I mean, another example is I'm a part of this support group at a farm for parents, and all the children are there too. And I do have a friend there, and she tried to be vulnerable with me. And I just, I can't get myself to be comfortable enough to say more than, I'm here for you. I'm sorry you're going through this. That's really tough. And then she went on to express her, her situation at the support group. And I just watched all these women gather around her and they're just saying really honest and beautiful things that, things that I feel like I had wanted to tell her, but I just, my body just feels, I know you talk about this a lot, just body just really feels unsafe being vulnerable with people.

Can I tell you, you're right there on the edge of this whole thing turning around for you. What you just said is really powerful. Hold on. I want you to know how far you come you're talking years of counseling and therapy to get to right where you said right where you just articulated the words are in your heart the words are on your tongue you're ready to and your body freezes up on you because when you're a kid that level of vulnerability got you hurt right yeah and my guess is there's probably other romantic relationships that have cycled through that as well fair um not exactly because i you know i i was the person to

leave people before i could be vulnerable with them. That's what I mean. That's what I'm talking about the cycle. Like this whole cycle created. So all I have to say is this. You're at a precipice and

you get to choose what comes next. And the I guess we just don't know how to do that you gotta jump you gotta jump I wish there was another way around it the old

DBT pathway is there's a negative thought or a negative trigger and it's all these women crowding it's a friend of yours who's weeping, right? And it automatically freezes your body up. And maybe it's because when mom would start crying, you knew, oh God, here we go. She's going to drag me underwater and make me feel this way and that way, whatever. And that leads to negative emotions. I feel this thing and then I act and sometimes the negative action is don't act. Sometimes just run and grab a drink. Sometimes just go run and grab a donut. Sometimes it's freeze.

I do nothing. I let my friend just stand out there in the cold. And then the fourth, and I think this can be the worst part of it all, is the negative emotions you internalize after whatever action you do or don't do. Yeah. And then you beat yourself up about it and the whole loop starts over again. Right? Yeah. That's what this past two weeks I've been like,

I just left afterwards for supposed to coffee. I just left and packed my kids up and went in the car and just thought I shouldn't even like have friends. Like I don't want to be, I mean, just this is extreme, but I was just reverting to my child self, and I just thought, I don't even want to be alive. I just...

I don't know why people need me in their lives or why I'm here or... And it's so extreme, but I just felt that lonely child self come back and hold force and just started blaming myself because I'm an adult now and I have kids

and just feels like I shouldn't be doing this anymore I don't have to run away but I am and it just feels immature and stupid. Do you want it to be different? Listen, listen. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

The way you're talking to yourself, that's your mom's words coming out of your mouth at that seven-year-old little girl. Stop. Yeah. Don't let your mom keep talking into your life. Yeah. Okay? She didn't get a voice anymore and I know that's easy to say in a short phone call

what this will mean is several months of you catching that voice every single solitary time you hear it every time I'm in the middle of this right now and I'm telling you it is the worst.

Every time I have a negative thought, negative self-talk and I am ruthless with myself. Um, and I thought I could hide it on the show and enough people called it out and then sitting with the counselor, like it's bad, it's not good and catching it every single time and challenging it what i'm telling you already in my life is it's already starting to fade

it's already starting to fade here's what i want you to articulate for me what is stopping you from reaching out to her and saying hey you had a moment of vulnerability and I froze. I'm so glad all those other women were there, but I want to circle back and check in with you. How are you doing now? What's stopping you from that phone call, that conversation, that cup of coffee? Because I think you're that close to developing a deep, deep friendship with somebody.

I mean, I'm about to do that, but... You promise you'll do that for the days over? I will. I'm just really scared of how that conversation's going to go afterwards. And if I'm going to be rejected or if she's just going to play it off until I go totally fine now. Do you think she even noticed?

That I left or that I didn't respond? Both. My guess is she didn't even notice. I don't think she did. Okay. When you are surrounded or raised or work for a narcissist you you put your head on a swivel 24 7 365 because you never know where it's going to come from we know bad guys are going

to try to hurt us and we know that uh fire will burn us but when somebody who's reportedly loves us hurts us right it comes from it comes from all angles and so i you're so hyper aware i would bet beyond anything um that she she certainly doesn't feel the same way you do about it she's not sitting at home right now being like oh my gosh ashley failed me she screwed up so bad and then she just ran away i almost guarantee you she's not doing that. Okay. And here's the thing. A hundred percent of relationships are a risk. All of them. Yeah. I've been married for 20 years and we dated five years before that. Every day is a risk. Starting a new friendship is a risk. What does that mean? She could say, yeah, I'm good, man.

Are you going to come over for coffee? No, I'm good. I don't want to hang out. And by the way, if she says that, she may have diarrhea. She may not be saying no because she doesn't like you and you're some weirdo. And so maybe the second or third time she says no, and then, okay, I get the message.

This hurts. I'm going to be sad about it. And I'm going to go on. Let me answer a question you asked earlier. I think you have the opportunity to be such a powerful gift to your kids and to other women in your life. What you're hiding behind the garage door is so important for people.

So important. I'm not just making it up. Because you've seen people who are supposed to love you hurt people. All of us have, but most of us don't have a vocabulary, a language, a relationship to talk about that in. You've got that. It's a gift.

You can share that. I guess so. No, don't guess so. It is. It is. Listen, I'm terrified of heights with all of my life. Like for my whole life.

I don't like getting on ladders. I don't like, I don't like, I just hate it. I hate heights. And then my buddy, my boss, peer pressured us all into going skydiving. And there's like, no way I'm doing this. And then a couple of my colleagues instantly said, no,

I'm not doing it. And I was like, well then for sure I'm doing it then. Cause I'm still middle schooler when it comes to peer pressure. And so I went and I got all in the guy who I was tethered to some big old tatted up smoke show, former Navy SEAL guy. And he looked at me and said, you're going to try to fight me

as we go out the door we're going out that door the easier you want to make this the better and then he said these words you just got to jump and then i did i want to tell you it was transcendent it was this it was uh just to not get too cheesy it was a spiritual moment the whole world slowed down right yeah when it comes you are right there you know your body's responding you know how nervous you get you know how uncomfortable you get you gotta jump and then when you go you gotta feel it and i know you will but be cognizant of right this is a trigger for me it's creating negative emotions which makes me act a certain way, or it doesn't make me, but it propels me into a different kind of action. And then I feel bad about the way I just acted.

It just goes in a circle, in a circle, in a circle. And any one of those points, you can jump in there and stop that cycle. It's awesome. My body's feeling bad. It shouldn't feel that way. Yes, it should. It should. My mom sucked.

My mom was really not a great person and goofed me up from the get-go. Now my body's doing what it should my mom sucked My mom was really but not a great person and and goofed me up from the get-go Now my body's doing what it should be, but I really want friends and this woman's hurting i'm gonna i'm gonna lean in That's how we go man We break that cycle and we're gonna do it over and over and over and over because that cycle is super entrenched And your kids are gonna get to watch their mom Breathe for the first time in a long time. I was talking to somebody the other day who's struggling in their marriage and they track all their sleep and everything. And she was telling me that when her and her husband have been

reconnecting, not sexually, just reconnecting, just like hanging out, laughing, talking, telling story, whatever, just reconnecting. That all of our metrics are better. Heart rate's a little bit slower throughout the day. Sleep is a little bit deeper throughout the evening. It just has a ripple effect through a person's physiology. So you're going to bring peace to your home when you just jump. You're worth friends, my sister.

You're worth friends. And thank you for calling. Let me know how this conversation goes if you'll write me back in because people are going to want to know how this coffee played out. We'll be right back. All right, we're back.

Let's go to Mary in Bakersfield, California. What's up, Mary? Hi. What are you doing? I'm great. What are you doing? I'm in my car. I'm at work, but I took a little time aside to talk to you.

That's fantastic. Do you look like a phone creeper, like in the car? Are they going to walk by and be like, what's Mary doing? I don't think so. I don't see anybody right now. Good. We have a cover. Okay, good.

All right. So what's up? Well, when I emailed your show, I was talking about, um, how, um, I'm racially mixed. I was born to a Mexican mother and a white father. Um, they adopted me officially at age when I was four. And they're both white, both from Ohio. They don't speak Spanish at all. And what I've noticed is since I look Mexican, I've noticed that a lot of Hispanic people expect me to speak Spanish or fit in with the culture somehow. And I don't. And,

um, I've never felt comfortable in my own skin about it. Like, um, where I work, I work on the East side of town and it's, uh, I guess I'd say 90% Spanish speaking.

And, um, sometimes the reactions I get from people who are not speaking Spanish, it's like they think I'm a traitor or like I'm going against my race. And obviously, they don't know my story. Sure. And it's really, honestly, it's hurtful. I get really hurt by the judgment. And honestly, I've met my mother's family.

I met them about 22 years ago, and I have a half-brother on that side, and I hear people talk about how Mexican families are so close, but this one isn't, and they're just, they're backstabby, and I've seen the way they treated my mother. I never got to meet her. She died before I could meet her. And I see the way they treated her and my brother. And I can see why they weren't there. And it hurts. Yeah. We can walk through the racial and ethnic identity stuff, okay?

Yeah. But at the core here, I see, how old are you, Mary? 47. 47. Yeah. I just see a beautiful young woman lost at sea. And I see a beautiful young woman lost at sea who doesn't like herself.

And I want to ask you, forget the voices, the voices that are asking you, why did your mom and dad put you up for adoption? Why did you get raised by a white family in Ohio? Why do people in your neighborhood constantly tell you you're not enough? You're too much, whatever. Take those voices aside for a second. That's hard. I know those voices are hard. Why don't you like Mary? I wouldn't say that I don't like myself. I just

don't, I don't like how people treat me. It's usually other Mexicans that treat me this way, like I'm not Mexican enough. And they don't. I know, I know, I know. But the fact that that voice gets into your soul so much. Well, that's the side that rejected me. The Mexican side, they reject. My Mexican mother's family did not take me in if it wasn't for my grandparents.

There we go. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's don't racialize this. Okay, okay. Your mom's family said they don't want anything to do with you. Mm-hmm. That hurts.

Let's sit on that for a second because what i don't want to do is i don't want to take a paintbrush and paint the entire mexican culture because you said mexican families are supposed to be like x and mine is like y then what you're doing is you're doing the exact same thing that those people in your community are doing to you they're looking at you and saying well you should be like this and that's not fair to do let's just look at this family that is choosing actively to not be in your life we can't run from that let's sit in that for a minute because it hurts so bad and if we avoid that grief with all this other stuff, the other stuff is real, the ethnic identity and the racial, that's all real, but when we avoid that hurt by this, this, this,

oh, man, it's heavy. And what about your bio's dad's family? I found them through the DNA ancestry. I haven't found my father, but I found his family. And believe it or not, most of them live in Arkansas. I don't know. Why is that funny? Well, because it's a weird story. I haven't found him, but I did track down relatives in Arkansas through the DNA test.

Okay. Why haven't you reached out to him? I can't find him. They don't know where he is either. I won't get into that. Okay. But anyway, they've been good about it. I mean, my mother's family hasn't been all bad,

but I've seen the way they not only treated my mother when she was alive, I've seen the way they treat each other. And if it hadn't been for my maternal grandparents, my brother that I mentioned, he probably would have been put in the foster system too. By the time I came along, they were too old to take on an infant, and nobody else stepped up. My mother came from a large family. was number number nine out of ten children and somebody could have stepped up and taken me and they just didn't and that that right there mary that's where you got to park

i can hear that your voice changes you you got so much anger there. Yeah. They should have. And now 47-year-old Mary is choosing to cut her life short with high blood pressure and increased heart rate and not sleeping and goofed up relationships because you won't put that anger down. They should have shown up and they didn't. And the question you got to ask yourself is, am I going to continue to carry that around like a sack of bricks on my shoulder? Or am I going to set that crap down? I have a little girl. She's seven.

I can't imagine taking a breath of my life without her anymore. And I can't even identify with what you experienced as a kid. I can't, I can't wrap my head around it. Do you have kids of your own? No. Okay. Here's why I think you need to spend some time with,

do I like Mary? It's really common for people who have experienced what you've experienced. Even though it sounds nuts, there's a five or six or seven-year-old little girl wondering, what is so wrong with me? What did I do? And I want to tell you, you did nothing.

Your mom and dad, your bio mom and dad had stuff going on in their life that had nothing to do with you. And you were a casualty of it your extended family on both sides had stuff going on in their life had nothing to do with you you were a casualty of it i'm so sorry i grew up i've spent my whole life except for the last five years in Texas. And so there was a, I think it was in the 80s, maybe 70s or 80s. There was a swath of, so I grew up around Mexican and Hispanic people. That's my life.

And there was a whole movement to not speak spanish in the home and i've got many friends who are a little bit who are younger than you but uh not by a lot who's are so just pissed that their parents didn't teach them spanish didn't teach them part of the culture and it's become this cool adventure not a a, you should be, not like that. That kind of pressure solves no problems, right? It just creates gas, like indigestion gas. But an adventure to find out, huh, how far does this string go? And you've been on Ancestry, so you've been digging, right?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, for years. Yeah. So I think once you can start digging not out of desperation to find out where I come from, but in a spirit of adventure

and a spirit of I want to explore this. Now you got a whole, there's a whole different attitude towards it and then maybe one maybe one day

let me ask you this this is a hard question are you embarrassed that you can't speak Spanish? no I mean I've taken Spanish classes and I'm not

I'm not good at it yeah but you got to high school are you embarrassed that you can't speak Spanish? Yes or no? Yes. Why?

Well, because it's like, that's, well, I mean, I would like, I wish I could identify with the Mexican side. I wish, the thing is growing up, I didn't have that parent to identify with. I didn't have like what other ethnically mixed people have like, oh, my, my mom's family was this. So I used to go to my, you know, if I, if I could have said, oh yeah, my mom's Mexican. And I used to grow up, go in my Tia's house or on my white side, I went to my aunt's house. I don't have that. I didn't have that growing up. So I don't, I don't, I can't identify with it. Why do you, why are you so mad at Mary for that? Mary didn't do anything. Yes,

you are. Yes, you are. I can hear it. When you, when you say I'm mad at Mary for that? Mary didn't do anything. I'm not mad at Mary. Yes, you are. I'm not mad at Mary. Yes, you are. I can hear it. When you say. I don't feel like I'm mad at myself. When you're embarrassed that you can't speak Spanish. There's a difference between being embarrassed and wishing I could. My kids know my sister is Tealoka. Mm-hmm.

I wish with all of my heart I was more fluent in Spanish. I could speak a lot more than I actually can. I wish with all of my heart I was more fluent in Spanish. I could speak a lot more than I actually can. I wish. But I'm not mad at myself for it. My wife's taking it right now. She's incredible at it. She just chose one day. This is just dumb to only know a little bit of Spanish.

And we do it for hospitality purpose. We want to be able to speak to people in our community that we hang out with that are our friends that we love. And so it's a hospitality thing for us, but it's not a matter of, I should have, and I suck and they should have told me. You see, you see the anger and rage you got on this. Now imagine you're in algebra class and there's somebody screaming in your ear, you should know this, you idiot. Can you learn under that condition? No. No.

Well, then how do I, how, do you think I would be out of line if I, the next person who treats me differently for not speaking Spanish, you think I should tell them, hey, the reason why I don't speak Spanish is because I wasn't raised in a Mexican family. You think that would be too bold? I don't think it's too bold at all.

No, no, no. What's it going to solve? Well, I mean, I think they should know. Sometimes I think they should know, hey, I wasn't raised by a Mexican family. I may be Mexican ethnically, but I wasn't raised by a Mexican family. And so-

Will that make you feel better? I think so. I think, I think, I don't think I should keep it a secret. I should be able to talk about it. Or if you just said quietly, I got adopted by a white family. I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to, I think people should know, like, you know, I'm sorry. I wasn't raised in a Spanish speaking home.

I wouldn't apologize for yeah and i also implore you with all my heart you gotta stop letting all these other voices speak into who you are and what your value is you don't know these people they're just neighbors clowning on you an exercise that i did once that was awful, that ended up being amazing, was I want you to take a, this is, and I'm passing it along to you. This is your homework assignment. I want you to take a small box. It could be a shoe box or it can be something fancy from a store. I want you to take a small box, empty it out and put it on your kitchen table.

This is just you. And I want you to take out some note cards, five of them. And I want you to write on the note card the name of a person you are giving permission to speak into your life. What I mean by speak in, they get to tell you, you shouldn't have done that. You just violated your core values. You need to take down that post off social media. That's what people in my box are often telling me You hurt me They get to tell you those things And if they're not in the box your life practice becomes

Not caring what other people say and let me be real honest with you. I've taken my parents out of that box. I love them. I've got great parents. They don't get a vote on how I raise my kids. They don't get a vote on what I should or shouldn't be doing or what job I should or should be taking. That's not, they don't get a vote on that. My in-laws don't.

I love my in-laws. I won the lottery with my in-laws. They don't get a vote. I've got five friends and my wife, maybe six friends and my wife. Those are the people I've given permission. You know who else doesn't have permission? My kids.

Because they're seven and 13. They can't buy beer yet. They don't get a vote. Right? We walk around, especially social media, we walk around and we let everybody else tell us what we should and shouldn't be doing and feeling who we should be hating and what skills we should have and what skills we shouldn't have and that's too mexican that's not mexican enough oh and by

the way when you learn spanish you're not going to learn the right accent you're not you're going to be a white spanish speaker right i already am i know and then you're gonna be a white spanish speaker like you can't win that game right right and i spent a lot of my career studying inside of racial and ethnic diversity there's colorism within that you're too dark of a mexican you're not you're too light you start playing those games and you don't win and what you're doing is you taking, you're outsourcing you to everybody else and saying, do I have value? Do I have value? Do I have value? Yeah. And they don't get a freaking vote because you're married from Bakersfield and your parents, your, your bio lineage, they let you down, and I'm so sorry.

But from today forward, as long as you carry that, that is you choosing, I want to wake up and have a more miserable day. I want to wake up and die a little bit younger because I couldn't set that down. How do I set it down? How do I set it down? You've got to make a choice to set it down I it can be as simple as this Once you go to to to home depot or lowes

Um and go buy a cinder block go purchase one Purchase actually you probably need three or four. You've had a rough go And I want you to take a um Cinder block and put duct tape on. And I want you to take a cinder block and put duct tape on it and I want you to write mi madre. And I want you to carry that sucker around with you until your arms are so achy

and it's so heavy. And until you think I can't hold this any longer. And then I want you to take it out in your backyard and I want you to throw it in the furthest corner and tear the tape off and look at that thing and say, I'm never picking this up again. And what you will have done, it's a tiny little annoying ceremony, kind of like a funeral, if you will. When you have a funeral, you always know that your loved ones is where they are, where they're buried.

Your pain is still in your heart, but you exhale. There's a period at the end of that sentence. And then at some point, I want you to write a letter to your mom and ask her all of those questions. What was so bad about me? Write that letter to your dad. You're not going to send it.

This is for you. I want you to write a letter to that 14-year-old Mexican girl in a white Ohioan home. Ohioan home who has felt out of place her whole life, just lost at sea.

And let her know she's amazing. See what I'm saying? Your body's been at war since day one. She's amazing. See what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. Your body's been at war since day one. And what I, my prayer for you is peace. Mm-hmm. I'm going to send you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future, my book, okay?

I want you to read it start to finish. And it's just going to be my gift to you. Will you read it if I send it to you? Yes, yes, yes yes thank you okay um in about a month if you will practice these things i want you to call me back and i'll even have you back on the show and listen if if i have you back and you're like oh i did all the things that you said and you're stupid i will you can tell the world this guy's a fraud he doesn't know what he's talking about but if you'll do those things and you're stupid. I will, you can tell the world this guy's a fraud. He doesn't know what he's talking about. But if you'll do those things and you'll keep a journal of all of your negative self-talk, the shoulds, I got tos, I have tos. No, I don't. I'm freaking Mary from Bakersfield. I'm

worth being loved. And this person who I don't know, who just stopped me in line at a grocery store and said something to me in Spanish. And I responded back, no hable espanol. And they made a face at me. I don't even know who they are. I'm not going to let them ruin my day. I don't even know them. I'm going to go on about my day because I'm married from Bakersfield. My life is good.

My life is good. Choose peace, Mary. Thank you so much for being brave and thank you for the call. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me

and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you

so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Listen, we've had more and more people call in this year who are struggling with issues and drama and mayhem in the workplace. Since 2021, we've seen 4 million people a month leave their jobs.

Political economist Nicholas Eberstadt tells us that there are 7 million, million able-bodied men opting to sit at home collecting government handouts instead of working i think there's more who have just opted out of the system completely they're just done they just they just closed the laptop and went home so why are people giving up on work there's a drift to mediocrity plaguing our culture because people aren't finding meaning in their work anymore decades of bad leadership in corporate America, decreased engagement at

work, quiet quitting, the great resignation. And let's be honest, man, I got buddies who have great jobs. They've got great jobs and they love their jobs and they can't afford rent and groceries in the same city. It's just a weird mess. Productivity is down, complacency is at an all-time high and some of you are listening might be stuck in the middle of it all right now and this is this is a non-partisan event because i've got friends on both sides of the aisle who are just about done with it on may 4th i'm teaming up teaming up with dave ramsey ken coleman mike rowe of dirty jobs michael easter um who's the author of one of my favorite books of the last decade comfort crisis teaming up with Dave Ramsey, Ken Coleman, Mike Rowe of Dirty Jobs, Michael Easter,

who's the author of one of my favorite books of the last decade, Comfort Crisis. We're going to be talking about the state of work in America today. We're going to address the labor crisis and give business leaders solutions for how to find and hire the right people in this madness. And here's the deal. If you're not a leader and you're not a boss, this is like getting Backstage behind the curtain and listening to how bosses talk to other bosses So you're going to get a playbook on what people are looking for what they are desperate to have on who they're desperate to have On their teams and here's the best part of this the whole thing's free The whole thing is free

If you're a business leader small small business owner, or you just want to figure out what you're doing with your career, you got to move, it's time, you want to do something different, whatever it is. If you are struggling right now, you don't want to miss this free live stream. You can register by visiting ramsaysolutions.com slash labor crisis. All right. And so as we wrap up, usually we do lyrics at the end of the day. We're not doing that today. We're doing something new. This brought me so much joy that we decided instead of doing lyrics, I'm just going to make you smile before the day's over.

It's from CBS. CBS feels like, never mind. It's from CBS Evening News. Teenagers help seniors learn how to use technology, and they form friendships along the way. Residents at Brookdale Senior Living have a wealth of wisdom, but there are some gaps in that knowledge. Most notably, how do I turn on my cell phone? Everything from turning on devices to receiving emails, connecting families, to finding relevant applications posed trouble for the residents.

So students at Canterbury School in Fort Myers, Florida, were joking about it. These are high school kids, about how bad their grandparents were at tech. And then the laughter faded. A young man named Aaron said, I have an idea. He got his friends together and they started the Computer Literacy Education Outreach Program.

They partnered with Brookdale. So they just showed up. They walked over there and they started connecting with these folks. Wisdom is being shared. Relationships are being formed. Y'all know I'm not a fan

of technology, but when it's used right, it can be magic. And these young men and women are changing lives. And here's the secret. Those folks at the senior living home are changing lives too. They're passing that wisdom back down the system. What a rad idea. Don't tell me, I don't know what to do. Get on the phone and go find some people who are in need and just show up.

I love you guys. We'll see you soon.