The Dr. John Delony Show - Should I Tell My Co-Worker She’s a Hoarder?

Episode Date: June 24, 2022

In today’s show, we hear from a mom wondering how to help her daughter with her fear of talking to others, and a man unsure if he should confront a coworker about troubling behavior. Then, Dr. John goes through a lightning round of your most-asked questions (this gets . . . interesting). Lyrics of the Day: "Lightning Strikes Twice" - Iron Maiden Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. My husband and I have identical twin girls. We decided to split them up into separate classrooms in kindergarten. My one daughter has taken off and is thriving. My other has said zero words. We've read all the books. We've tried all the things that we can think of, and we're out of tools. But I would bring this to you.

We've talked to the professionals. We're going to the podcast. What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, so good to be with you. Hope you're doing well. Talking about your mental health and relationships, whatever else is going on in your world. There's a lot going on, for crying out loud. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291, or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. All right, I don't know if you can pick this up. If you're listening to this, just imagine. I don't know if we can pick it up on the cameras, but I just bought a new bow. I want to learn how to use a bow and arrow because it's the 16th century. And so me and my son got them, and man, I didn't hold on to it.

So I don't know if you can catch and see this, but I blew my arm up. I pulled it back, and I let it – man, and my little girl was sitting there looking at me. It's swelled up like a softball inside of my, on my forearm. And basically it was like, like snapping, somebody snapping you with a rubber band at 70 miles an hour. And my daughter was sitting there and it happened and I put it, I saw it just swell up real fast and I put it behind my back and I looked at my daughter and said, I need you to go get mommy real fast. And she said, why dad? Why? Let's talk about dragons or

whatever she wanted to talk about. And I said, this is a 911. I need you to go get mommy because daddy hurt himself pretty bad. And she looked at me and then sprinted off. And so this is my reminder. Have the conversations about this is a serious thing or not a serious thing. So another example is sometimes in a grocery store or in a restaurant, somebody comes in and you know, this is about to be not a good situation. So my house, we have, I just preface it with 911. So I'll say, hey, child, hey, Hank, hey, Josephine, this is a 911. We have to go. And they know that when I say that, they're not going to ask any questions. They're not going to like, why? What's good? They're going to pick up their stuff and we're going to walk out the door. I will

explain everything when we get to wherever it is we need to go. We get in the car wherever we're going. Or if I get hurt somewhere, sometimes I don't have time to, or mental capacity to explain everything. I need you to go get your mom. Because at that time, I thought I'd shot the arrow through my arm. I don't know how it hurts. So I thought I'd shot myself with an arrow, which I don't even know how you do that. But if there's a human being that can figure it out, this guy can. Yes. But I thought I'd done it. So I just had to go get mom. Anyway, have that conversation with your kids. It doesn't have to be 911. It can be something else. It can be, this is a green conversation. You need to go get dad right now. And they just need to know, Hey, we're not gonna ask questions and even have this with your spouse, right? Um, I tend to be

all over the place. And so I can tell my wife, Hey, this is a 911 call. I need you to come get me right now. And she would know, cool, I'll be right there. I'm not gonna ask any questions. I'm on the way. I also used to do that with my staff. Like when I worked with teams, I would set that up with my team. So if I ever call you and say, this is a 911 call.

I need everybody out of that building. They would just say, you got it. And we would have that conversation later instead of like, I don't have time to have the conversation with you right now. So just setting those conversations up with your family. And they don't have to be, I know, lots of conversations about active shooters and all that stuff going on. That's a little part of it.

And we'll have another episode about that later on. But it's more about just life. Like, life happens. Your dumb dad accidentally snaps himself in the arm with a bow and arrow. And, you know, just like on a Sunday afternoon and you need to go get, need to go get some help. So, or fall off a ladder or trip or whatever the thing is. So have that conversation with your kids.

Have a conversation with your spouse and even a couple of friends. Like I'm going to text you now and wanting you to come get me right now. Got it. I'm on it. No questions. Or come up with your own thing there. So that's my little, uh, what do you call it? PSA, my public service announcement of the day. And let's go out to Hannah in Albany. What's up, Hannah? Hi, not much. How are you?

I'm good. How are you? Good to talk to you. You too. What's up? All right. So my question is, how do I help my daughter overcome her fear of talking in school and manage anxiety so that she can function better in school and not miss out on things. So tell me about her talking. She's not talking? Correct. So my daughter and I, or my husband and I have identical twin girls who are going to be six soon. They did two years of preschool and they've always been like really introverted and had like really quiet temperaments. And then preschool were really codependent. And so we decided to split them up into separate classrooms and kindergarten. And, um, my one daughter has

like taken off and is thriving. My other has said zero words and not the teachers or other students. Um, the school counselor was concerned and us too. And so they started like a small social group with her. And then we took us a while to find somebody, but we got her into a counselor in March. Um, and they say that she has anxiety and that once we work through that, then the talking will come. Um, academically, she's like perfectly normal. Like the teacher has taught her enough sign language to be like functional in school. And then also we'll send home assessments and we send back recordings and stuff. So there's no like academic or developmental delays. And then her anxiety is also showing up in other areas where like to the point where she won't go to play date or even go to the park if there's too many people there.

So we're just like we've read all the books. We've tried all the things that we can think of and we're out of tools. And I would bring this to you. We've talked to the professionals. We're going to the podcast. Well, yeah. So a couple of things here. So it sounds like selective mutism. Have you heard that phrase? I have. Yeah. Okay. Has anyone diagnosed your kid with that? No, they haven't. Okay. I'm not going to do that because I haven't seen your kid and I wouldn't even be qualified to do that. So selective mutism is a form of intense anxiety.

So when your kid is just with you guys at home, she'll just talk and talk and talk and talk and talk? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Totally. Okay. I really hate people who do what I'm about to do, which is to say that really is what that sounds like. Who diagnosed, who put a diagnostic on the table without any

business doing so. Okay. But I'm doing that right now. Cause I want to equip you with those terms. Okay. Yeah. Um, so a three prong approach that I always tie to anxiety. When I'm trying to solve an adult anxiety, kid anxiety is based on three pillars. One is connection or disconnection. One is safety and one is autonomy, meaning I have some sort of control in what happens next. and it surprises me zero that you've got identical twins who are already a little anxious, already a little bit on the introverted side, quiet side, if you will, and we split them up, and then one of them just has a, it's a fear response, right? It's their brain saying, not safe, not safe, not safe, and what happens is we look at it at the result of the not safe, not safe alarm, and we come up with, oh, you should talk more or you should chill out or you should quit yelling, whatever the anxiety response happens to be.

And in this case, it is – she just doesn't talk. How is it – tell me how it's affecting you guys. I think it's hard for us as parents because we don't like, our goal isn't for her to be this outgoing, talkative kid, but we just want her to be able to like learn more in school. Like right now it's fine because it's just kindergarten and like we can help her with things that she's not like, cause she can't ask questions, um, in school or she won't. And, um, I think also like, it's hard for us when we take, when we go places and people are like, Oh, what's your name? How old are you? And they just, and she just stares them down and doesn't give them anything.

And I'm like, I don't want to, I don't like late, like labeling her like, Oh, you know, it's fine. She's just shy. I'm just like, Hey, like raise your hand hand if your name is this or this is your name. Or like, can you show them with your fingers how old you are? And like, try to like give them a way to or her a way to like answer without having to talk, without like putting that on her. But it's hard as a parent because I feel like bad that she is so like so anxious and okay so let's let's do this I want you I want you to begin to think of somebody coming up to your daughter and saying

hi what's your name I want you to imagine that she just saw a bear because that's what's happening in her little brain okay and so what we wouldn't want to do if you and I happen to be walking on the sidewalk and we saw a bear is to figure out a way to make us get closer to that bear. Right? Right. So there's going to be a,

it's a very fine balance that you're going to walk here. Number one, I really want you to find a psychologist who's trained in selective mutism, not to diss my counselor, brothers and sisters. That's my training is counseling. But I would get with a good psychologist that can, because this is a very healable challenge. Okay. It's a, I don't want to say solvable. I have a hundred percent belief that your daughter can heal from this, okay? And begin to come up with some techniques. It's learning how to manage the anxiety. And once you manage the upstream stuff, the alarm systems begin to back down, okay? So when your daughter sees... So we're

going to walk a balance here between not putting her in positions to where her body feels like she's about to get eaten. And we're going to create slowly. The word I use is probably not technically correct. It's slow exposure therapy, okay? And what we're going to slowly do, I've heard of play therapists using puppets. I've heard of them using toys, animals that talk, drawings. One way you can do this is to read a book and just have her point to, like a children's book with pictures, have her point to who's talking. Bob says, and then all she does is point. And this is just y'all two at home, okay? And maybe in public, we're going to teach her, she can talk to you in a whisper. What's your name? You see what I'm saying?

We're going to slowly lean into this thing, right? And then here's the balance. I'm not going to put her in positions to where she feels like she's at war. And I'm going to put her in situations where speaking will get her something that she desires. Meaning, we're going to go to a restaurant. This isn't something you're going to do today. This is something a few weeks from now, if you all have been intentionally letting her know, hey, we're going to begin to practice not speaking. We're going to begin to practice feeling safe. So when you don't feel safe,

I want you to squeeze mommy's finger. And that's when we'll know that you're going to whisper to me. But you got to let us know via squeezing your finger. And then today we're going to get ice cream. And the person's going to ask you what your flavor is. And if you don't choose to have ice cream, that is okay. You don't have to say anything. But if you choose to have ice cream, you can whisper your name.

And so we're not going to punish her in a public setting when somebody, some well-meaning person says, hey, what's your name, honey? You can say she's very, very shy or she doesn't always communicate with strangers. You can come up with some sort of mom conversation, okay, because her body just saw a bear. And we're going to work on that with the psychologist slowly but surely, teaching her how to have conversations. The other side of it is we're going to have some situations that say, hey, do you want to order your Sprite, your special drink at the restaurant? If you don't, that's okay. If you choose water, that is okay. And what we're going to do is we're going to teach her that speaking is not evil. In fact, she can get what she needs if she will learn to use that voice. Does that make sense? And there's going to be big time tears on the back of that. Expect that because she's going to not say have ice cream

and her sister will be like, I want chocolate chip and whatever. And we're going to do both. And we go outside, she's going to be crying and be upset. And you're going to say, but you chose not to and that's okay because you didn't feel safe and that's okay. But when you feel safe, then you can choose to have that conversation, right? So we're teaching that anxiousness is a context, not an excuse. And it will also provide a little bit of gas in the engine to practice when she's with the psychologist or with the counselor. Schools are notoriously underprepared for this because it's kind of outside the box and schools are designed to deal with loud problem kids, not with the quiet kids making straight A's.

Does that make, you know what I mean? And so there's just not a lot of focus on it. Something you can practice at a restaurant when they bring your food, I want you to whisper, thank you. Thank you. Right? I want you to practice. So we're going to practice these little things, practice little things. And you have to? I want you to practice. We're going to practice these little things, practice little things. And you have to be careful not rushing to her aid when we're trying to get the things that she wants. Right? Is that cool? Yeah.

I know it's hard and it's hard. Here's the big thing. I'm going to leave the rest of dealing with her to the adults. Can I talk to you for a second? And I'm going to say things and I don't want you say things Please promise me you won't go straight to mom internalization Do you promise? Right, I promise You're about to, I know you are

Please don't Triple promise Triple promise Okay When our kids don't talk Or they don't Show up in public Sometimes they don't talk or they don't show up in public, sometimes they don't talk, they scream, they kick, they whatever. We wear that. Does that make sense? Yeah. No, and I do that. Yeah.

So we wear it as though we're failing them or that their kids are somehow broken. And here's how that loop begins. Then we begin to anticipate negatively social situations, which raises the temperature of our bodies, of our car on the way to go somewhere as we're walking into a room, how tightly we're holding somebody's hand or, hey, and we begin to pregame. And often pregaming is rehearsing the negative thing that's about to happen as though we can out-rehearse it, right?

And so what we do is we end up creating an extra chaotic environment for an anxious kid to enter into. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, that makes sense. It's what I try not to do, but I think... I know, I know. Trying does that. So, and,

I can only imagine. Do you have other kids besides these two? Nope. Okay. There are only... I have to imagine that having two twins blows up everything that you and your husband knew. Is that right? Yeah. Maybe not. Yeah. Okay. No, for sure. Yeah. Is there, have y'all had the relationship conversation of, okay,

we're six years in, everything's different now? Maybe not like that direct, but like, like, what do you mean? Like, like what, with what intention of that kind of conversation? Two things. One, the number one thing when somebody calls and says, hey, how do I get my kid to be less anxious? My number one answer is always fix your marriage. Work on your marriage. Probably 85 to 95% of the time, people will either start crying or they drop their head or they drop their shoulders. 5% of the time, they're like, no, my marriage is actually pretty great.

And now that's great data for me. Yeah, I'd say we're in that 5%. Okay. That's perfect. Okay. So what I want to do is where are some ways that we can, with our kids, create moments for connection that are safe, that give them some autonomy. Right? So all autonomy means is I've got some control. And so at home, we're going to work on those things. And then we're going to start slowly inching, inching, inching out into the

public space. And my daughter gets to choose, or your daughter gets to choose, oh, you don't want ice cream. That's okay. You don't want to go to the park. Since you didn't choose that, here's what this is going to look like, right? And you just get to make those gentle choices and it's okay. I'm not mad. I'm not frustrated. And you as mom are going to be like, it's not a scorecard on your end. It's just her sweet little brain responding as though there's a bear out there.

And I'm not going to overindul. And I'm not going to over indulge and I'm not going to over, you just got to say hello, right? I'm going to try to ride that balance. And if you mess up, which you will, just apologize and say, I didn't get that right this time. We'll try to get right next time.

And the best you can, don't compare it to your sister because I know that's hard. See how Susie gets ice cream because she asked for it? That makes it, you know what I mean? We're just creating that world. I am 100% confident sitting down with a therapist

who will practice with the puppets, practice with the reading, practice with these little tiny steps. And then at school, I'm going to have her sit by a friend that she can whisper to and speak to. And that with some guided expertise will slowly open up. And I don't have any concerns about moving forward

if y'all get the help she needs. That helps expensive and it's annoying and it does not usually take a whole bunch of sessions. Okay? Okay, cool. And hopefully you can find that connection there in your community. And I know that's hard.

And good for you guys for having a great marriage. Here's the conversation I have in your marriage. Go out and have a half day and say, okay, we've had this challenge this year, twins are six. A couple of those years we're in the middle of a pandemic. How are we doing? And then what do we want our marriage to look like moving forward? What world do we want to have now? We've had two kids show up and blow it up in the best ways and in the worst ways.

How do we want things have now? We've had two kids show up and blow it up in the best ways and in the worst ways. Um, how do we want things to look moving forward? And we're going to begin to wrap our heads around building that world. And when you do that and you get back on the same page and you are connected in your goals, you're connected in what you're looking, what you're aiming for financially and emotionally and spiritually and sexually, all those things together on the same page, it often provides a context for your kids to go, whew, drop your shoulders there. So that's my thoughts there. Man, she's lucky to have you, Hannah. Awesome, awesome, awesome. I've just got high hopes for you guys getting in there and getting the care that you need.

Okay. Thank you so much for calling. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season.

And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call

my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, what's up?

Let's go to Brendan in Sioux City. What is up, Brendan? Not a whole lot. How are you doing, John? We're partying, man. What are you up to? Oh, just sitting at work That doesn't sound fun at all

You should quit I'm just kidding Don't quit Don't quit I'm just going to give you more problems Yes, don't quit your job What's up, man? No

Alright, so my main question is How do you have difficult conversations With someone you don't necessarily Have a lot of buy-in with And they don't see a problem? So So to back out, I'm talking about one of my coworkers. Okay. And what's the—

Are you in a supervisory relationship with them or a— No, they are—we are equals in our lab. We are equals. Just as an FYI, you're equal as a human being with all of the people you work with. Well, this is true. Somebody may have a stature, they can fire you, but so you're on the same level as they are professionally. What do you want to talk to them about?

Well, they seem to have a lot of things going on in their life, but the most obvious one is myself, my boss, and another coworker. We suspect that they're a hoarder. Um, we don't have any concrete evidence of their house, but they've mentioned a lot of things that kind of paint a picture of that. Um, you know, multiple storage units of things and, you know, complaints from previous landlords about clutter and cleanliness and that sort of thing. What we do have evidence of is their vehicle. Um, this employee works second shift, so we don't, they work in the afternoons and evenings. We just have a couple hours of overlap and they park, you know, right front center of the building.

And, um, it's a big extended cab truck with a topper. And when I say it's a one-seater, like you couldn't fit another human being in this vehicle. It's just floor to ceiling, full of food and stuff. And it's getting to be summer and it's getting kind of gnarly. Yeah. So this is a great question for millions of people. We only have like 11 listeners, so millions won't hear it. Just kidding. So this is a great question, and I'm going to answer it pretty directly. Is that cool?

Sure. Okay. My answer to you is don't. Okay. Don't play sideline armchair therapist with people that you work with. What I want folks to do is to focus on behavior that impacts work. And here's what I mean. And number two, focus on relationship.

So the first thing is if you're a supervisor or you've got colleagues that have the same job as you, right, you're on the same level there, and somebody's late, they're not showing up, they are stealing, you address the behavior of what's going on. Oftentimes, people think, oh, Susie sounds depressed or she's been really anxious, and all of a sudden, you've got a group of people trying to play armchair psychiatrist. And how do we talk to them? What do we need them to do? And that turns into a disaster because either they have true diagnostics that they're working with a professional and there's some ADA violations, right? You're getting into some disability conversations that the workplace often doesn't need to get into unless there's accommodations. Or, man, we're judging part of a situation and we don't know the whole thing. So if somebody's showing up to work, they're getting their job done,

they are disheveled at times, which I may or may not be. Somebody put on the internet the other day that, man, Deloney's looking pretty rough. And I was like, what do you mean? And then I looked at myself and I was like, that's probably fair's looking pretty rough. And I was like, what do you mean? And then I looked at myself and I was like, that's probably fair. Looking pretty rough.

But I want you to focus on that behavior, okay? If they drive a car and it, my car in the parking lot here is ridiculous because it's not a great car. It's a piece of junk. But it gets me too, it's not a piece of junk. I don't want to just diss it like that. It gets me where I need to go.

And my friend said, hey, I don't want to, I don't want to ride in there. Cause it looks like you live there. Right. So I cleaned it out cause that was embarrassing to me. But what they didn't say was, Hey, we, we think you're a hoarder. We think you have problems. Okay. So that's number one. Number two, wait to be invited in via relationship. And so this is where you say, hey, we're all going out to get nachos, or this is an overlapping shift, right? So, hey, come eat dinner with us. Come talk to us. Come, whatever. And then we're going to focus on the thing. So if someone brings up like, yeah, man, I can't fit another thing in my car, you can say, yeah, I noticed that. What are you doing? And be invited into more information. Somebody hoarding is notoriously hard, right? But they may say, yeah, man,

I've been struggling this forever. And they're not inviting you into a solution. They're inviting you into their heart, right? And I know it sounds cheesy the way I just said that, but they're inviting you into that relationship. If they come to you and say, hey, you and I have been – I trust you. I need some help, man. Would you be willing to help me?

And I actually had a colleague do that. And I went over to their house, and we spent several days cleaning stuff out, filled up dumpster after dumpster after dumpster after dumpster. And it was earned over years of became a, I mean, it was a very close friend, someone I trusted highly, someone who trusted me. And then it was an invitation and there was just this glitch in the matrix where they said, I'm ready to just get rid of all this stuff. And man came over and we got rid of a lot of stuff. And so, but that was, you see what I'm saying? That was years and years of just like, they didn't invite me into that conversation.

So I didn't try to solve that. I wasn't about solving that problem. I was just going to be a good friend. See what I'm saying? Right. And so that's what I would do, man. I'd focus on the connectivity. And if there's a way y'all can get together

outside of the office, you want to hang out, cool. You want to have dinner if your shifts overlap, cool. But other than that, man, I would let home stuff be home stuff until you hear about it the only time i get involved is if there's some some inkling about suicidal ideation if someone's going to take their life if somebody's saying i'm highly depressed and i don't know what's next then i'm going to get involved um then i'm going to call the cavalry in on that but when it comes to stuff like this it's hard and it's challenging but

I haven't gotten invited in so I'm just going to be your friend and love you at the office. Is that fair? Yeah, that's fair. Is that possible to do that in your situation? I think so. Okay. I can definitely try that. I mean we've all been kind of arm sharing it, the three of us

but we haven't had much success. Yeah, what I find awesome— We're really hoping to get to that point where she invites us. It often turns—so often hoarding is an outgrowth of some pretty significant trauma. And so, man, sometimes you pull back a scab on something that people are not equipped to handle. Okay. So I'd be careful about that. Number two, often little groups of two and three and four armchairing, you know, trying to figure something that can just turn into a real gossipy mess. Right. And so I would love to have someone like you with leadership capacity with their colleagues when she comes up again to be like, hey, let's don't talk about that.

Let's invite her over to eat with us or let's – she's rocking and rolling, doing her thing, and I don't want to keep harping on it. And then let's do what we can to include her into conversations. And I think that would be a gift to her. It would be a gift to y'all. And she's going to bring stuff to that relationship too. But yeah, stop the little gossipy, hey, what do you think about it? Don't do that. Let's have a different workplace than that, man.

There's enough people beating up on each other. And by the way, she knows. She knows. She knows she can barely get in her car. She knows that her house or her storage units are overflowing. She knows. She knows all that stuff. That she can only wear the same few outfits because it's the only thing she has access to. It's hard to get into the bathroom and shower if she can't.

She knows all that stuff. The way through that is through connection, not through, hey, look at you, look at you, which tends to drive that spiral even tighter and faster. So thank you so much for the call, Brandon. It's a great call. And to you guys listening, this isn't just about hoarding. This is about all, like, I think she's got, I think she's got anxiety disorder. I'm pretty sure she's got borderline personality disorder. Dude, that guy for sure has bipolar. For sure has bipolar. I know it. You know what? I think she's got... Let's don't do that. Let's leave diagnostics to the professionals. Let me say it that way. To the psychiatrist, to the therapist, to the counselors, the psychologists, and let's focus on connecting with people, being friends. We'll have hard behavior conversations when we need to,

but let's focus on being humans and connected. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you

in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their Home Buyer Edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill-certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days.

Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash D'Loni and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back and we have a brand new segment that we're going to try out called lightning round. So here's the deal. We get calls from all over the planet and email, social media requests, all this and Kelly and Jen, they've been compiling these questions and they turn into shows.

And what we don't want to do is ask, answer the same question over and over and over. So they just, they get the pile gets bigger and bigger and bigger. And Kelly wants to know these things for her personal life too sometimes. And so she puts them on there as well. And so we've got this new segment called Lightning Round. Here's how it's gonna work.

Kelly is gonna read from a compiled list of questions that y'all have sent in, or that she's secretly planted there. And I got one minute to answer them because rumor has it I talk too much. We also have an entire studio full of people. And by entire studio full of people, I mean, there's one dude out there. He's incredible. You just thumbs down me, man, if I miss it. Okay. So part of this is going to be me on the spot.

Part of this is going to be having to say, I don't know off the top of my head, or I have an expert that I would like to call. I might even say their name. Like if I got this question, I would call this expert. Some of it might be me just winging it from the hip, and some of it might be right in my wheelhouse. I don't know exactly right the answer. But we're going to go for it. So welcome, everybody, to the introductory segment called Lightning Round.

Here we go. We ready to party? Let's do it. And by the way, can we just say, Sarah and the graphics team, look how cool this is, man. It's amazing. All right, let's do this. All right, first question. How do you know when to stop fighting for your marriage?

Okay, I think you should stop fighting for your marriage when one or both of you have given up. Okay? So if you're fighting and the person you're fighting with or fighting for on behalf of is not interested in participating, they have stopped being a part of the marriage, then I'm gonna lay the weapons down. We're done.

Number two, if I'm fighting somebody, I'm not fighting you. We're fighting for this thing. I'm not fighting you. And I would say the third thing, how do I know if I've decided that I'm out? If I've decided I'm not fighting you. And I would say the third thing, how do I know if I've decided that I'm out? If I've decided I'm out. And we often think, well, I'll know when I'm out when I decide to quit fighting. No, that's not true. If you're in the marriage, if you want this thing

to work, if you want to be a part of this thing, then you're going to keep going. The moment you say, I can't do this anymore and I'm beginning to step out, that's when it's over. Is that a good answer? I don't know. What do you think? Works for me. All right. All right, let's go. Do you agree with the cry it out method for babies? No, I do not. I don't. No, I don't. And I know I get a lot of flack for that on the internets, I don't care. The best way for true behavior change is through connection, not through, um, disassociation, not through fracturing a relationship. And so when a baby cries, it's a primal instinct. It is a response hardwired into a child that says, I need to be reconnected.

That is not a thing. When a child quits crying, that means they've exhausted their bodies, right? Um, so not a, their body's ability to say, I need help. I need help. When a child quits crying, that means they've exhausted their bodies, right? So not a, their body's ability to say, I need help, I need help. And then they get quiet and quiet isn't them learning how to be still with themselves. Quiet is their body going into the free. It's fight or flight or free. It's their body's starting to shut down.

Okay. So no, I'm not a fan of cried out. All right. Next question. How do you boost sex drive? Number one, it starts with the good tunes, right? How do you boost sex drive? Well, I'd say number one, sex drive isn't a thing.

Sex drive isn't real. Sex is, as Emily Nagoski suggests, is a series of gas pedals and brakes. And so if you want to increase sexual encounters in your home, you want to increase intimacy in your home, you're going to look at the entire context. So for some people, sex starts with the amount of dishes in the sink and how much we've talked this week. And sometimes sex is what you're wearing or what you're not wearing or coming out of the shower with a towel on your head. That's a signal that we're done for the night or coming out of the shower. So it's all contextual. So if you want to boost that overall in your home, you're going to sit down and have a conversation about how do we turn your ons on and how do we turn your offs off? All right, next one.

Next question. What are your thoughts about online dating? I think online dating is a great way to transmit information with one another. It's a great way to find people in your area that you wouldn't otherwise find because people don't just go to roller rinks anymore and they don't go just play go i was gonna say play bowling because that works people don't go bowling anymore um or they do they go to group of friends so the way people interact or they quote-unquote meet each other that's the way people come into contact with each other so i'm fine that i've got my one of my oldest friends in the world uh got married that way i got family members who got um connected that way That's fine. I think the mistake we make is that we try to do all of the, quote unquote,

getting to know you electronically. And remember this, electronic communication allows us to transmit info. It does not allow us to get to know one another or to connect with one another. Full stop with a period at the end of that sentence. No, I've got great friends that I... No, no, no, no. You have great people that you communicate with, that you give info to, but they're not your friends. All right, next question. What are your thoughts on vaccines for kids? The best answer I can give you... Well, well geez that got complicated real fast um i give my kids the the what is it the mmr my kids have that and i keep them up to date on that

i did not choose to get my kids vaccinated with code vaccine for a number of reasons the data told me that um and i'm vaccinated my wife wife's vaccinated, but when it came to kids, the downstream response was so, the data didn't back it up. I'll just stop there. And by the way, I partnered with my doctor on that choice. It wasn't something I got off the YouTubes. Anyway. Thanks for that. It was fun having a show, guys.

I'll give you an easy one. Do you like Pop-Tarts? If there's a Pop-Tart and it's got frosting on the top of it sometimes I like to take the wrapper off real slow and just rub it on my face and just hold it there yeah I do like Pop-Tarts

but only the ones with the stuff on the top of them if they're just Pop-Tarts with stuff inside of them nah I need both well that was disturbing alright why do people cheat? they're just Pop-Tarts with stuff inside of them? Nah, I need both. Well, that was disturbing. All right. Why do people cheat?

I, man, people cheat for a whole bunch of reasons. I think the most convicting explanation of cheating that I've heard is from Esther Perel, which is this. Most people who cheat have not found something wrong with their partner. They don't like who they have become in the relationship. They have become boring. They have become isolated. They've become alone.

They've become less sensual. They've become frustrating. They've become angry. They've become whatever adjective you want to describe, but it's a description of yourself, not of your partner. Now, there are people who are abusive. There are people who are emotionally and physically not present, right? Which automatically leads to an arc of behavior, right? So somebody doesn't show up and at home, they're abusive, they're whatever. I'm going to go find connection with somebody else, right? And I get that. That's plausible. But often it's the not showing up. It's the, this person is not safe and I become somebody that I don't want to become.

All right. Next question. This is the worst, by the way. This is like torture for me. To have one minute. A lot of fun for us though. Ah, it's so great. My wife would kill for this. Just this, a button that shuts me up after a minute. Ugh. What's the difference between counseling and therapy? The difference between counseling and therapy.

So counseling is, it's become like a colloquial term for advice giving. And it's not, but you have like addiction counselors and you've got camp counselors and you've got pastoral counselors and you've got camp counselors and you've got pastoral counselors and you've got professional counselors. So when I use the word counseling, I use it in the professionalized sense, not as an advice giver, but as a therapist. And so in its truest sense, a therapist and a counselor are the same.

Therapy and counseling are the same. When it's used interchangeably with other things, I was talking to somebody the other day and they're like, yeah, I was counseling a couple and I was thinking, you're not a therapist, you're not a licensed counselor. So you were just sitting down and talking with somebody and you're giving them advice. That's totally different. So in that case, know this, therapy is not advice. Therapy is walking alongside somebody as y'all co-discover what's the next right step for somebody.

It's not just lecturing somebody. All right. This one is similar to that one. How do you break up with a counselor or therapist? A therapist or counselor is a professional relationship. They are not your friends. So there is no breakup. The same as you would call a different plumber. The same as you would, I don't know, get a different yard person. You are going to choose to enter into a new relationship. Now, here's where that's a little bit messy. Number one, counseling is intimate. Therapy is intimate. You discuss things with somebody that you don't just talk with everybody about. And so you feel attached to that relationship.

So understand it's going to be awkward for you and treat it as a professional relationship. The second thing and this is really important is Some sort of grenade throwing like they weren't good for you. So i'm going to tell that that never is helpful It's not cathartic. It's not going to make you feel any better So you don't need to do that The third thing is if they violate ethical boundaries if they violate confidentiality, they lie to you about price They don't talk to you about confidentiality. They ask. hey, can you do something for me, by the way, unethical things, then you file that case with the local ethics board, right? With the ethics board.

There you go. All right, last one. What is the difference between cancel culture and accountability? Accountability is done, number one, in relationship. This is a great question. Accountability is done in relationship. I've given you permission to speak into my life. Or we all live in the same society, so we have a responsibility to serve one another with accountability. But accountability always serves to help both the situation at large, society, this school building, this group of parents, your kids, and accountability helps you. It's me giving you wisdom and insight and holding you to a set standard that we've all agreed upon. Cancel culture is I'm going to kill you. I'm going to end your ability to earn a living.

I am going to, your ideas and your words are so bad that I am going to end your ability to use them. One of those is for building everybody up, including somebody that has to be held accountable. There has to be a punishment, right? Cancel culture is the act of destruction. That was it. I hated that.

We'll be doing it again. Of course we will. Because I can see all high-fiving each other back there. You're like, yes, we got him. So, America, if you like me stumbling through my answer. Oh, geez. That was hard. Yeah, those weren't easy questions.

If you liked the lightning round, let us know. Go down in the comments below or send Kelly an email. Her cell number is, I'm just kidding, I won't easy questions. If you liked the lightning round, let us know. Go down in the comments below or send Kelly an email. Her cell number is, I'm just kidding. I won't do that. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask and put it in there. And if you have lightning round questions, like, hey, what's this, this, or this, or this? Let us know.

We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at

johndeloney.com. All right, we are back as we wrap up today's show. I love this song. Good job, everybody in the booth. Ryan Holiday's favorite band ever, Iron Maiden, and their famous song, Lightning Strikes Twice. I see what you did there. Sounds like we're going to have more than one lightning round. Oh, great. Here's the song. The lyrics go like this. I feel the breeze on my face in expectance.

Not very long before the storm reaches here. Off in the distance, the lightning is flashing again. Feel something strong as the power draws near. Is it the rolling of thunder that scares you? Is it the clashing of clouds that holds fear? I love Iron Maiden lyrics. They're so great. But all I know is I sit in a corner alone and it takes me back to my childhood again.

All the people hurry inside as the lightning flashlights dark. The storm is nearly here. Only God will know. Do yourself a favor and listen to some Iron Maiden today. We'll see you soon. Coming up on the next episode. Holy cow, I'm talking to John

Deloney. I just said the same thing. Holy cow, I'm talking to Grace. This is amazing. So I have an eight-year-old daughter but she's struggling and I don't know how much of it is due to abuse that she's witnessed at home. Her dad had undiagnosed bipolar.

Mental health diagnostics are a context, not an excuse. Need some help with my marriage? You have come to the right guy. What's up? Next thing I know, she sent me a text in January saying, I'm ending this marriage, I'm moving out of the house. Because this isn't help with your marriage, this is you coming to terms with your wife has left you