The Dr. John Delony Show - Should I Tell My Son the Truth About His Father?

Episode Date: August 11, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: A mother worried about telling her son he’s the product of sexual assault A woman concerned her mom can’t afford a monetary gift A woman wondering how to help her sister cope with Parkinson’s To pre-order John's new book Building a Non-Anxious Life click here. Lyrics of the Day: "Count On Me" - Bruno Mars Enter The Ramsey Cash Giveaway for a chance to win $3,000!  https://bit.ly/TDJDSgvwy Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. A heartbreaking amount of times, women used sexual assault because saying that I was raped put them in a different category. They felt like it put them in another category. But what happened to you was rape, and what happened to you was evil and wrong. What in the world is going on, everybody? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. A show about everyday people like you and me trying to do the best we can in a wild sideways world. When it comes to dating, when it comes to loving, when it comes to heartbreak, when it comes to boundaries, when it comes to kids, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. This is what this show is for. And my promise is I'm going to sit with you in the mess and we're going to try to figure out what to do next,

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I'm so grateful. All right, let's go out to Jenny in Chicago. What's up, Jenny? Jenna. Hi. What's up? Hello. Hello.

Hi, I'm so nervous. Oh. Hi. What's up? Hello. Hello. Hi. I'm so nervous. Oh, all right. Let's do this. Let's sing our, let's sing our favorite song. You go first. Go. I'm just kidding. You don't have to sing. You don't have to sing. Nothing, nothing to be nervous about. Okay. What's up? Okay. All right. So I wanted to know how I could talk to my son about his biological father. I guess backstory is I was sexually assaulted about five years ago. And from that, I became a parent to an awesome four-year-old. I met someone about three years ago, and now we're basically married. We have a home together. We have another child together. My parents stepped, my partner stepped into the father role. And although we used a nickname for him instead of dad, like when we had our next kid, it kind of just turned into him calling him dad

like 24 seven. Now my child is four and he's kind of wondering why his hair doesn't look like our hair because his hair is lighter. And I'm kind of worried about questions that he's kind of wondering why his hair doesn't look like our hair because his hair is lighter. And I'm kind of worried about questions that he's going to ask. I want to be honest with him. I don't want him to grow up and have me break it to him and he feels like his whole life is a lie. But I don't know how to correct him at his young age. And I don't want him looking for a biological father when he's older.

I don't want him to know the way he was conceived he will he will um there's a lot here um one of the core premises of this show is that i want us to call a spade a spade and I want us to all tell the truth all the time. I also know that sometimes that's borderline unethical because normally it takes some time with somebody who's hurting, who's experienced as much hurt as you have to establish the level of trust necessary to get to the place where I can say, hey, can we just call this what it is? But because of this format, everything's compressed. And so can I say some pretty harsh things real direct that I want you to know?

It's me with you, okay? But for the sake of people listening, even just out of the gate, you chose some language that was very instructive for me. And I just want to point that out to everybody listening. Is that okay? Yes. Often in my whole career has been a big chunk of my career was sitting with sexual assault victims. Okay. And with rape victims. And often I found, not often, but a heartbreaking amount of times, women used sexual assault because saying that I was raped put them in a different category. They felt like it put them in another category. But what happened to you is rape and what happened to you was evil and wrong, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Can I tell you I'm so sorry? Yeah. I mean, it's hard to say it that way just because something so great came from it, right? Like my child came from what happened. So I'm so grateful. And I guess maybe sometimes I don't put the real heavy weight on it.

You know, my partner says that I'm guilty of like talking about things very factually, things that have happened to me. Yeah, there's a defense mechanism, right? That I'm going to talk about everything very clinically and very distant so it doesn't affect me. I want to assure you beyond a shadow of a doubt, you're being affected. One of the core tenants, in fact, when this show, when we're done, I'm going to send you a copy. It's not out in the marketplace yet, but as soon as it gets out, I'm going to send a copy of my brand new book. But stage one of this wheel, right? This wheel of being well is you have to own reality. And by minimizing one side of the teeter-totter that is this experience,

you had everything stolen from you. You were raped. That's one side of the teeter-totter. The other side of the teeter-totter is you got the greatest gift of your life, this beautiful little boy. Both of those things are your life experience, and they're both true. And squashing either one of them, minimizing either one of them, your body pays the price. See what I'm saying yes i do

i'm so sorry that happened it's so so so sorry that happened okay when it comes to little boy um did let me say is is Dad, is he in jail? What's his story? He is in the military So he's far away from here And he actually doesn't even know that My son exists

That can't go on for very long And you know that, right? Yes. Yeah. Um, man, did you choose to, did you choose to not make police reports or anything like that?

Uh, I mean, I, I reported it within, within the military, but that's, they have a very different way of handling it. I understand. my, I myself within within the military but that's they have a very different way of handling it i understand um my i myself was in the military at the time so that was

seemed to be the easiest like avenue to go through i think you may be setting yourself up for a major mess if bio dad finds out x number of years later that he has a child. Man. Let me ask you this hard question. What's the end game here? I guess I'm, I don't know. I'm taking it day by day.

Okay. I, I, you know, obviously want to be honest with my child. That is the most important thing. I don't want to be too honest. So let me, the truth will emerge.

The truth will come out at some point. You are correct in not wanting your child to find out the truth and then find out that level of pain and hurt and also find out mom lied to me. because then his entire world is in shatters, not just part of it. I don't think he has to learn the depths of the crime committed against his mom. But also it's not true to say your daddy just left you because daddy doesn't know you exist. And he may come back and try to be the greatest father that ever lived. And I would suggest that it's the court of law. And I know you've been through it with the military court.

And I know that's such a zoo. It's heartbreak on top of heartbreak. It's trauma on top of trauma. When you get tribunaled and nobody believes you or they tell you oh we just don't have like whatever he said she whatever the thing

they're going to tell you to make this thing go away but you don't want to become a monster in the process of trying to stay away from a monster and not letting somebody

know they have a child puts you in not great company right now. See what I'm saying? Yes. Okay. I do. And I know that's not what you're calling, but here's ultimately the thing.

The story, if dad says, I don't want anything to do with this, you took my name off the birth certificate, he's getting adopted by this new guy fine he does that then there is a plausible conversation to have with your kid that mommy um that your daddy is somewhere else he's in the military why did daddy leave that he was working i mean we're going to slowly have this conversation over the course of X number of years. And as he grows up, he's going to get a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more. But you don't want to be in the position of lying to him and saying your daddy left you. Your real dad left you. Your real dad doesn't exist. Or this is your real dad.

This is your real dad. And then when the truth comes out, when he does 23 and me when he turns 18 which he will right or he'll be in some biology class 101 and a part of the assignment will be that every student has to do 23 and me like it will come out especially with technology the way it is and so a phrase i want you to keep in your heart is secrets destroy families. And so another layer of complexity here has to be at some point, bio dad has to know there's a child involved. And if he says, hopefully he won't, says, why didn't you tell me? You can say, you know exactly why I didn't tell you.

And you can send a formal request from an attorney that says, you have a son. This guy wants to adopt your son and go from there. That can happen too. Okay. Thank you. Does that make sense? Tell me what you're feeling. Is that just awful that I ruined everything?

I mean, I definitely don't want to interact with him. I mean, but I do understand that putting things in place legally instead of just like just putting it down on paper is definitely like a way to protect myself in the future. Here's what you don't want to have happen. Okay. Coming back. You don't want to have a civil and or criminal suit filed against you that said,

this woman made up charges against me that, by the way, were found not guilty in a military court. And she hid my child from me for three years, for five years,

for 10 years, for 18 years. She stole those years with my child away from me. And you will have no recourse. Okay. I don't want you to find yourself in that position when he comes in and says,

I want 100% custody. I found out I've got a child that she was hiding from me. She's already leveraged false allegations against me that was found not guilty. See what I'm saying? Like all the deck's going to be stacked against you. And I don't want that to happen. I'd much rather you have an,

as best you can and amicable interaction. If you reached out to this dude or if your attorney reached out to him, did you have any sort of previous relationship with him or was this like a, an out of the blue rape and assault? Tell me about it. I did have a relationship with this person. So, I mean, I had information, like, let's say like a phone number or like, I know his Facebook or whatever. Obviously we're not friends or anything, but, um, I have those like information if I needed to reach out or if I had like legal reach out if legal reached out or and said you have a son via Jenny and here is the

this person wants to adopt this child what would happen I I really don't know I think that has to be your direction. That has to be what y'all decide to do. Okay. Because again, I have unfortunately sat with kids who were told this guy is your dad or this person's your mom. They find out when they're a sophomore in college that that's not true. And I've had them sit in my office across from me, and they can't breathe. Because everything they know is a lie. And at 18, 19, 21, 24, there's that anchoring in that when all else gets sideways, I trust her. I trust him. And if that goes away,

it's so, that's why divorce is so much, it's like compound interest. It grows in how much it hurts kids because what they anchored into doesn't exist anymore. So it's like cutting the string on a balloon. They just float up in the sky. And some of them make it. Some of them do great. Some of them get tethered again. It's awesome. Many, many, many float around for years and years and years and years and years. So I tell you that to tell you, like, man, the fastest path towards, I don't want to engage with this dude. I don't want to have a conversation with this guy.

We have a kid together. It's part him and part me. When it comes to the moment, let me answer this one question. When it comes to the moment, if you ever feel I need to tell him there was rape and sexual assault involved in this, in this one evening,

this one event that led to me getting pregnant with you, I would strongly, strongly recommend getting with a counselor that works with teenagers when you would have that conversation or with young adults and letting that person who's trained in how to have those conversations lead that conversation. Okay. There's people who are very gifted and they create relationship and they create, they, what they're doing is they create new things to anchor into so that when they pull the plug on what was that kids is not again, cutting the string and just floating off into space. They're very, very talented at what they do.

Um, my, one of my closest buddies, um, she's Dr. Lynn Jennings. She'll sit with a kid whose dad maybe murdered somebody or is in jail and she will build a relationship and a rapport with this kid over time and then say, daddy's here. And then it gets a little bit, daddy hurt somebody really bad. And then a little while later, it is daddy took somebody's life. I want you to remember this too.

This is really important. Kids understand that half of them is mom and half of them is dad, wherever mom and wherever dad happens to be. Right. And so if dad's a monster, the instantaneous response is, well, I've got that and I'm part monster too.

And that's really tough for a kid. You can tell them you are not your dad. You would, you're nothing like that. You would never do that. That's where a child counselor is really, really helpful. On the day to day with him just being only four, like, do I even say anything at all? Four is really young. Four is really young. Four is really young.

Okay. But it goes real fast. Four becomes five and six and seven very, very fast. Four is, why does my hair look like this and all y'all's hair look like that? You say, well, let's draw a picture of it. I like your, and you can begin to take ownership. You can teach this kid to take ownership of how he looks,

how beautiful he is, how cool his hair is. You could teach him how to take ownership without answering any questions. And then you could say like, well, let's look at our feet. Let's see how our feet look, right? So we're going to anchor into some concrete truths, but we're not going to say, you've got another dad somewhere.

Here's why. Because that dad doesn't know he exists. And you want to be able to say, after you've communicated with dad, either through legal means, through an attorney, or directly, you make a phone call. You want to be able to communicate and say, here's how your dad responded when he found you were alive. And I'll tell you, it will be hell on earth to have to hold in one hand what that man did to you and in the other hand, have that guy two rows over at a school play five years from now. Or that guy turns out to want to be the best dad that ever existed and rolls out of his appointment in the military and gets into something else where he can be closer and wants to be plugged in with the life of his son,

all those things, it's a very real possibility. Your pain and your hurt cannot bleed over into punishing your son for what his dad did. See what I'm saying? Yeah. And that's a, God almighty, that's a gross,

awful mess. I'm just sitting here and I wish I could hug you. I know you're not here. I'm sorry. Does it feel like a lot? Does it? Yeah, that's what I'm asking you. Does it feel like a lot does it yes i'm asking you does this feel like too much um i we've we've talked about having my partner adopt um my son for a while actually so it's i knew it was kind of coming i mean i don't exactly know the formalized process

but i knew it was gonna have to come back in my face at some point i don't know the laws of illinois i do not believe that it's legal anywhere to not tell somebody that they have a child and to legally adopt that child out to somebody else without giving notice i might be i might be way wrong on that. But I don't think I am. If there's some absenteeism. If somebody bails. Takes off. My understanding is there's a formal process. To say dad disappeared.

My guess is you probably signed some papers. That said dad was absentee. Is that right? Yeah. That might get you into trouble. Down down the road because dad may not have been absentee dad didn't know and i want you to know i totally understand 100 agree with why you did what you did right i don't think you're a terrible person i think you are doing exactly what a rational person would do and say i don't want a monster in my life. I don't want a monster around this new baby. I don't want a monster

around at all, but I don't want you to break the law in the process. Okay. All right. Thank you. Listen, call me anytime, Jenny. I'm going to be sick to my heart with you and for you. Yeah. Call me anytime. If your new husband wants to call, have him holler at me. I'd recommend, like, honestly, if I'm you, I would hang up the phone here and I would call a friend who's an attorney and walk them through what you've done, what you've signed, where things have been, and get their wisdom and advice on where to go next. Make no mistake, the truth will emerge someday. All of it. All of it.

And let's be on the right side of being people of integrity, even when it's blindingly hard like this situation. Because you don't want that kid who's now a young adult to look at you and go, you too? We don't want that. Thank you for being a great mom, Jenny. Call anytime. We'll be right back.

Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. Call anytime. We'll be right back. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose.

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It's a discipline and it's a practice, and here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself

and sometimes you do this with a group and Hallow helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Hallow, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to hallow.com

slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, we're back. Let's run out to St. Louis, Missouri and talk to the one and only Jessica. What's up, Jessica? Hi, thanks for taking my call and only Jessica. What's up, Jessica? Hi, thanks for taking my call. Of course, what's up? Appreciate it. My question is, how do I navigate feeling guilty when my mom's trying to give me money? And I feel like it will add to her financial burden. Can you just say no?

I guess so. It's kind of complicated. I feel like it's complicated. All right, fill me me on the complexity. Yeah. So, um, my husband and I are... Hey, hold on. Give me a favor. Can you talk directly into your phone? Sure. Is that better? Oh, much, much better. Perfect.

Yeah. All right. So my husband and I, um, are debt free and we've been working on, um, getting a down payment for a house. And my mom recently inherited some money. And so I would assume that that's where the money, the conversation kind of came into play. And she said that she wants to help contribute to our mortgage. I'm just really worried about my mom. And I don't know the whole picture of like her financial situation, but from what I do know, she just took out a second HELOC, has credit card debt,

and is at retirement age and doesn't have a retirement. And so. If I were you, I would tell my mom, like I got offers from people that I care about to help with the down payment of my first house and my answer even then was no thank you I was super blown away by the offer no that's not true the very very first house I did I borrowed money I brought a little bit of money and it was not wise or smart. It was really not wise. The next time I got an offer from several people that I care about and I said, no, thank you.

I never want to live under that again. I would, if I were you, sit down with my mom and say, mom, the greatest gift you could give me and my new husband in our house is for you to not owe anybody any money and for you to be safe and whole would you be willing to go through kind of your situation and i'm happy to help in any way i can and we can apply this money but the greatest gift you could give me is for you to be safe. That's what I would say. Oh, Jessica, I'm fine. Things are fine. We're going to be good.

Well, that's great. We are great and we are good. And I'm so grateful that you want to contribute, but we're good. So I had the conversation of like sharing my concerns. And the way that she approached it is that this is, so her exact words were like, this is your inheritance of after I'm gone. And so I want to apply this to you for as a gift so that I can see you guys

enjoy it. Um, and have like a, you know, have financial stability in a house. And so I feel like I would be rejecting my mom in that if I say no. But I just feel like either way, I feel really guilty.

Yeah. I'm less worried about her, the gift. I mean, she's an adult. She can do what she's going to do. I'm more worried about um the strings that come with this kind of gift yeah would there be strings to this kind of gift so i have really i don't i don't so kind of okay um yeah so i so we had the conversation of like she wants to give me this money and i said um talking about that talking different sorry i said we can talk about that mom and and you know

like i have two children and i want them to we can start putting that into their college savings um or i can put it into an ira and And she made it specific to the down payment of our house or mortgage, whatever comes at the time. And so I guess those expectations, I do feel like I have good boundaries with my mom of like, this is how far you come into certain things. And so I'm not really sure. I am. I'll just, all I can answer you on this one is, is just how I would do this in my house. And I am not going to accept a gift that I am fairly certain or that I know for certain is going to hurt somebody else for having given it.

Okay. Okay. Right. If Dave Ramsey wants to give me a big gift for my house, I would probably take that. Right. If a family member of mine who I loved, who I know is struggling, really wanted to give me a gift, I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. Yeah. gift, I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

Yeah. I'm trying to think at worst case scenario, I might accept a gift. And again, I'm just talking out of my butt right now. Actually, I talk out of my butt most of the time on the show, but very much right now. I might put it in an account and never spend it knowing that this money is going to go back to taking care of this person at some point. Okay. Maybe. Maybe. I get the sentiment that she wants to see you guys enjoy

this thing. I think that's where the harder conversation is, Mom, the greatest enjoyment we would have is knowing you didn't owe anybody any money. Yeah. And then smiling, go, I don't want to get a standoff on,

on you wanting to give me a gift. I'm so grateful, but the greatest gift you can give me is not my house down payment. We're doing great. The greatest gift you can give me is you don't owe anybody anything ever. Yeah. Okay. And she can write you a check and you can

leave it uncashed. She can write you a check and you can deposit it in an account with the intent to never spend it. But I mean, it's not like she's going to check your bank records, right? Right. And by the way, if she says, no, you can't use it for college funds.

You can't use it for any other thing. You have to use it for this. I mean, I'm not a huge fan of people telling me what I can and can't do with my life. I don't like that. I like being able to do what I think is right. So anyway, I hope that helps. I just know how messy those things are and I'm sorry. I wish I could give you just a clean answer to it, but the cleanest

answer I can give you is I'm not going to let somebody hurt themselves at my expense. And I don't want someone to use me to feel better about themselves. Like I don't want to be a tool or a puzzle piece in somebody else's show like that. I don't want to be an actor in somebody else's play. I want someone to want to bless me with a gift and be able to bless me with a gift. And I want to be able to fully receive that gift, knowing the heart and soul behind that thing. Not that somebody's got some guilt that they couldn't do something else a long time ago or they've been struggling So they're gonna make sure you don't struggle That's that means you're getting used for somebody else's

Benefits they can feel good and I just want to participate in that but I know that's so hard with the mom that loves you I know it's so so so so hard So i'm, sorry. I can't give you like a more like do this, but that's the best path I could give you. Let me know what you decide to do because I'm interested in how that conversation goes. So holler back at Jenna when you get a chance because I want to know how that conversation goes and where it heads off from here.

But man, being able to sit with you. Actually do this, hang on the line. I'm going to send you a free one year financial peace university course my friend dave ramsey um maybe you can offer that to your mom and say mom we got this for you this is a gift all the lessons all the all the courses everything we got this for you this would be the greatest gift if you went through this class and you took this inheritance and you paid off everything. And I had the blessing of knowing that my mom in her 60s and 70s into retirement age was going to be safe.

No matter what, she's going to be safe. That'd be awesome. We'll be right back. I'm so proud that Thorne Supplements, my favorite supplements on the planet, have continued to partner with me and our show listeners for health, longevity, and just feeling good. Thorne is one of our longest standing partners on this show, and it's because I trust them, I use them, I read their research papers, and I know their products are great and that my fans will love them too. Here's the deal with supplements. There's so, so much garbage out in the marketplace. And other than my admitted gummy candy problem, I'm pretty freakish about what I put in my body. And that's why I trust my health and the health of my family with Thorne. Personally, I've been taking Thorne

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Hi, how are you? Partying. What about you? I'm doing okay. Hey, so far it's been a show where I really don't have a great answer for anybody. So you may be number three. Hopefully I can do better. What's up?

All right. Well, a few years ago, my sister was diagnosed with an aggressive form of Parkinson's disease. Oh, man. What a mess. I hate that. Yeah. Now she's in her early 50s, and she walks with a walker and can't stand up without assistance. Yeah. And recently, she asked me to help her with some personal things like bathing and things

to kind of take some of the pressure off of her husband. Mm-hmm. off of her husband. And she told me that she didn't think that she had much longer because all of her efforts towards treatments have had little effect in slowing the disease. And I just need to know how I can best help her through this disease, knowing that it'll eventually take her life. And I don't want to think about her dying, yet she faces it all the time, and her husband can't talk about it. He breaks down. And so she needs me, and I need to know how best to help her. Just what you just called it out. Somebody has to sit with her who can call reality reality and live out of that,

not just numb out and pretend everything's going to go on just the way things are forever. I'm heartbroken for the whole family. I mean, it's just, geez. But there needs to be a, I wish I had anotherbroken for the whole family. I mean, it's just, geez. But there needs to be a, I wish I had another word for this. There needs to be a reckoning with her husband. Needs to be an ability for you. Here's the deal.

On the other side of truth-telling, on the other side of truth-telling, can I tell you, one of my oldest best friends on the planet who's a paraplegic, on the other side of, we just call a spade a spade we laugh a lot and we're sad a lot

but we laugh a lot and we figure out how to get that guy in his chair and get him to our restaurant we've gone to concerts, we went to the Guns N' Roses reunion show, we went to the Poison show gone to concerts to go into the guns and roses reunion show into the poison show i mean we go to show i mean figure it out but that can only happen on the other side of no we're calling a spade a spade everything's different yeah yeah right

and so i i if i'm you um i would ask her permission to go out for coffee or something like that, a place where she felt comfortable, and just say, I'm feeling a need to just talk openly and reality-wise, and I want to make sure that's okay with you. Because at some point, y'all are going to have to talk about what she want her funeral to look like. And what does she want? Does she have a will? And does she have a DNR? And does she have all of those things? Those can be holy. And people can think I'm crazy.

They can be hilarious conversations and heartbreaking conversations all rolled into one, but they're coming from a place of choosing reality and owning it and moving forward in that way. Yeah.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because here's the deal. She knows. She does. She knows. She's an RN.

She's been a nurse for 25 years. She knows And if you asked her How much do you want to talk about this? I would love to talk to you about end end times What you want the next two months six months five years of your life to look like And by the way, it is not uncommon for people facing a terminal diagnostic to say things like, I don't think I'm long for this world. And what they're trying to do is speak into existence. I want this to stop now. Yeah, I can see that in her. Okay. She's getting tired because everything

in her life is hard right now. That's right. She's getting exhausted. She doesn't, she's watching her husband fall apart. She watching her sister well up with tears. Like she's a caring person. She's an RN. She doesn't want people to hurt around her. She's tired of hurting. She's watching her husband fall apart. She's watching her sister well up with tears. Like she's a caring person. She's an RN. She doesn't want people to hurt around her. She's tired of hurting. She's exhausted. And so it's almost this prophetic, I want this to stop.

So I'm gonna start saying it out loud. That does not mean it's gonna stop. Okay, could be a long, long time. But I think having the conversation about skilled nursing and when like give her some options into do you ever want to go to a home or when you when me and husband can't take care of the care anymore what do you want that to look like can y'all afford that what is that like somebody's got to have those conversations and she's in a spot now where it's getting harder and harder but she can still have those conversations just need somebody to um adult up and do it yeah and my promise is entering into that storm will be so

uncomfortable and when she passes you it will it will give you oxygen to know how intimate and vulnerable and connected y'all were in the last two months or 10 years of her life? Yeah. She's always been there for me. I was like chronically ill as a child and all of the stuff I went through is what inspired her to be a nurse. And I want to be there for her. Have you told her that exact thing right there? Yeah.

Okay. We're pretty close as sisters. We talked about just about everything. Almost everything, but not quite everything. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. No, but our son's getting married in a couple of months,

and she recently asked me to be like a mother to him during his wedding and the reception and everything because she can't move around and do the things that she wants to do beautiful let her inform that okay so when she said that she had a very clear picture in her head take her out to coffee and ask her tell me exactly what you want me to do I'm gonna be there for you we're doing it okay and while we're here we gotta talk Will and we gotta talk

your knuckle-headed crybaby husband he's gotta talk and you know you just gotta go there yeah and at some point you might have to sit down

with brother-in-law and say I need you to grow up and we have to have some hard conversations. You can't just fold out all the time on this. And I say grow up, and I'm sounding kind of ugly. This isn't the season for healing, but he's got work to do. Yeah. Right?

There will be a time to be devastated, can't breathe, lost everything, whole world shattered. Totally get that. But right now, he's got a job to do, and that's to care for his dying wife, to make sure that all the nuts and bolts and T's are crossed and I's are dotted. He's got to do that, man. He can't just say like, nope, not talking about it, I can't talk about it, I can't talk about it.

He can't just say like, nope, not talking about, I can't talk about, I can't talk about it. He can't do that. And if he, if he just can't physically, then he needs to go talk to somebody ASAP so he can get some skills real quick. Yeah. Cause he, I,

I promise you after she's gone and he looks back and says, I just Netflixed and numbed out the last three years of her life. Dude, that will haunt him for eternity. He's got to plug in. But sometimes, in his defense, sometimes people don't know what plug in means. And that's where you might be a gift to him. To be able to say, this weekend I'm coming over. We're talking about a will.

We're talking about the funeral. We're talking about a will. We're talking about the funeral. We're talking about the wedding. Do what you got to do, but we're having that conversation. And give him some guided direction on here's the things that have to happen. But I love the idea of you sitting with your sister and saying, we talk about almost everything. And from this point forward, we're going to talk about everything. Yeah. Well, she's actually the one that sat me down and said, look, this is what's happening.

I need you to know this. I've tried to talk to my husband about it, and he just, he sobbed. So she's like, and I told her, I said, well, you were always there for me. I will be here for you through anything. Beautiful. Now what she's done is she's been very vulnerable. And she said, are you still going to love me even though it's about to get real, real hard? And you said yes.

And both of y'all have a different picture of what that looks like. And so I want y'all to clarify together over the next two or three or five, however many months, what that looks like. Okay. Okay. What is your expectations about her funeral? What is your expectations about extended care? What's your expectations about skilled nursing or going to a home? What are her expectations all the way through? Okay. Okay. And I'm telling you, the more you can interject silliness or an old story or just no words at all and just grab her hand,

these are the moments of life. The soil doesn't get richer than this, even though it's so painful and so hard. Yeah. I need you to hear me say, most of my career has been spent sitting with people who reached out and said, I need you. And the person said, no, thank you, or didn't respond. And so the fact that you said, I'm in, it's my turn now.

I'm going to tell you, man, they don't make sisters like that everywhere. I'm really grateful for you. Thank you. That's awesome. Let me give you two other quick pieces of just wisdom I've picked up over the years

running my mouth thanks to people who are either passing or who are hurting thing number one is silence is always better than stupid sayings that are in pillows

okay the second thing is almost without fail people who have cancer people who without fail people who have cancer people who are dying people who have terminal illnesses get put in a position to make sure

everybody else in their world is okay and that is not their job oh okay so her job isn't to make you feel better her job isn't

to take care of her husband her job is to stay as healthy and well as she can for as long as she's got. And so when she says, no, no, no, I'll just, you smile and go, nope, nope. Yeah. Right? And she's your sister.

You can put it across the room and say if you can go over there and get it then I'll sign it right you can do that you can have all I mean you can

you can have and she would smile yeah and say I get to take care of you now it's my job God she's so lucky to have you.

I'm blessed to have her through my whole life. She's always been the one to take care of me. A big sister is kind of like a second mother. For better or worse, right? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, do this for me. Periodically, give us an update, would you, on how she's doing? Okay. I'd love to see you

standing in at that first dance in your wedding, if you have a picture of that at your nephew's wedding. Okay. I would love to see that. That'd be awesome.

And just be fully present at your nephew's wedding. Okay. I would love to see that. That'd be awesome. And just be fully present in the upcoming season as hard as it is. I will. Be fully present because these are going to be the years you look back

for the rest of your life and said, I was fully in. It won't stop the hurt. The hurt's going to be there either way, the years you look back for the rest of your life and said, I was fully in. It won't stop the hurt. The hurt's going to be there either way, but you'll be able to sleep knowing I was there. I was fully there. You're a blessing, blessing, blessing, Christina. Thank you so much for your call. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious

Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. We're going to roll out to the great Bruno Mars as we wrap up today's show. The song's called Count On Me, and it goes like this. If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea,

I'll sail the world to find you. If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see, I'll sail the world to find you. If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see, I'll be the light to guide you. We find out what we're made of when we are called to help our friends in need. You can count on me like one, two, three, I'll be there. Because that's what friends are supposed to do. Amen, amen, amen. If I had two words that I think would heal this world, they are be there, just show up. Love you guys.

Thank y'all for showing up. See you soon.