The Dr. John Delony Show - Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?

Episode Date: May 12, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·       A man wondering how to tell his daughter that he’s not her biological father ·       A woman struggling to adjust to the political climate in the United States ·       A wife feeling pressured by her in-laws to live nearby Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.  💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When I was 19, I met the mother of my older daughter. I have two daughters. Long story short, she ended up being pregnant before I had met her. Oh, so your 16-year-old daughter is an adopted daughter? I don't know if you'd call it adopted. I signed the birth certificate. I was there when she was born and everything. Oh, homie.

Man, yikes. What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney show, taking your calls about your marriage, your relationships, your mental and emotional health, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. I'd love, love to have you on the show. This is real people all over the globe, going through all kinds of challenges in their houses, in their own hearts and minds, in their relationships, at work, wherever you got stuff going on.

Here's my promise, I'll sit with you and we will figure out what's the next right move. So go to John Deloney, D-E-L-O-N-Y, JohnDeloney.com slash ask and fill out the form and we will holla back or elect you and get you on the show. Alright let's go out to my hometown H-Town and talk to Dennis. What's up Dennis? Hey John how you doing? I'm good brother what's up man? Alright so I'm 35 when when I was 19 I met the mother of my older daughter. I have two daughters. One's about to turn 16, the other one's 13.

So I met my older daughter's mother. She ended up being pregnant before I had met her. Okay. Oh, so your 16-year year old daughter is a adopted daughter? I signed, I don't know if you'd call it adopted. I signed the birth certificate. I, I was there when she was born and everything. So she doesn't know that I'm not her biological father.

She's 16? Yes. She's going to be 16 next month. Oh, homie. Man. Yikes. So I'm the kind of guy, I took, I took responsibility because I'm the kind of guy that if, if you can do something right, you should do it. All right. Okay.

Um, but me and her mother aren't together anymore. We did have a plan like from the beginning to tell my daughter that I'm not her biological father when she turned 16, which is happening next month. Since then, her mother backed out for selfish reasons. She doesn't want our daughter to hate her or have any animosity towards her or anything like that. She's going to hate y'all so every minute you wait is like a 401k. It's like the compound interest on her disdain for you two will grow with every minute. You should have told her way before now.

Way before now. I've come to realize that yeah, not not another minute. I Just wait I just I've been weighing everything, you know, I don't want to hurt her You already have no you already have and so I like this is now because here's what's happened is And bro listen like I'm not I don don't wanna bad mouth you or anything like that. I'm speaking emphatically just because I've sat with the other side of this. When a kid finds out and they're 21 or they're 20

or they're 17 and it melts everything in their world. And it's not because they found out that you were an amazing dad that stood by her was you signed her birth certificate which by the way I don't even know if that's legal or not but you did and all throughout her life you've been there and then you and mom broke up and you've stayed I'm assuming you continue to see her you have custody rights and all that kind of stuff? Yeah, she lives with me and everything. Okay, so that's not the issue. The issue for a 16 year old finding this out

will be now and forever. What else are they lying about? If they lied about something this big, is God real? Is sleeping around really that bad? You know what I'm saying? They'll question everything you've ever taught her values-wise. This is a big one. This is a big one. I didn't think about any of that.

It's less about, I mean it is a big deal. She's going to want to know who am I, who's my real dad, but you have to understand she's built a foundation. Her whole world rests on I'm half this guy, Dennis, and half my mom. And when she finds out that she's half of a mystery person at 16. Dude, that is psychologically un-moring. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, I get that. I just worry about her future, man. What's this gonna do to school?

Is our grades gonna drop or is our future gonna be ruined? I don't say ruin, no. what will ruin it is if she find out her parents lied to her her whole life That's the trauma here is the dishonesty not that you stepped up Yeah, and then that's that's a big thing with me too, I don't want to lie to her right and so I like it Yeah, dude, this, cause here's the thing she's gonna find out. She's gonna do a DNA test.

She's gonna have to fill out questionnaires about health history. She's, I mean, by the way, does her bio dad know she exists? Yes, from what her mom tells me, I'm not entirely sure how truthful she's been, but... Bro, I would find that out because if I had a daughter that some other dude swooped in and signed the birth certificate and mom didn't tell me, I would sue you guys to the moon and back. I would sue everybody to the moon and back.

I don't know if this guy's like that because she has told me stories. Bro, you tell me. I find that I have a 16 year old daughter that I didn't know and that you'll hit it from me. I will become a very different person very quickly. Maybe not. Maybe he's a total, just a bum and whatever. I'd be that way too. Yeah, exactly. I mean, imagine if your ex-wife was pregnant with your kid and you didn't know it and you have some son out there and she meets some other guy, she has him sign the birth certificate. Imagine, dude. Yeah.

And I don't wanna jump to too many conclusions, but I always want to look at, I guess the best evidence I have is the evidence right in front of me. And if a mom would try to convince you that we need to keep this from our daughter, a thing that will 100% be found out. Yes. There is no way to hide this indefinitely. That tells me she's willing to not tell the truth about anything that might make anybody else uncomfortable.

And so what I would look at is if she's capable of this, then she might be capable of not have ever told Telling that other guy that she was pregnant Yeah She's always had Narcissistic tendencies. I don't care about the diagnostic term. Is she somebody who doesn't tell the truth Lately no, I mean yes lately yes, but in the past No, okay. I mean, yes, lately, yes, but in the past, no.

Okay. She has lied throughout our relationship. She's lied to me before. So dude, okay, so I'm jumping in here. Sorry, what's your question? Are you asking, should you tell her? I guess if the question is should I tell her sooner rather than later? Yes, I would tell your ex this is happening.

Period. The best possible scenario for your daughter is you and her mother tell her together. So just tell her if she has to be on board? No, she doesn't have to be on board. You tell her. I'm going to do board. No, she doesn't have to be on board you tell her That's exactly right The best possible outcome for your daughter is that y'all get in a room and say we held this for our from you We did the best we could with what we thought was right and now we've learned that we were wrong and we are sorry

and we messed this thing up and You be very clear, I wasn't involved in making you, but I got here as soon as I could. And I didn't tell you early, but please, the best you can, let my actions speak louder than my words. I am your dad and you are my daughter. Yeah.

But if I'm her, the very first thing I'm gonna say is y'all lied to me. The very next thing I'm gonna ask is, does he even know I exist? And then if I'm her, I'm gonna do everything I can now, but probably her mom's gonna force her to wait till she's 18. I'm gonna find that guy and find out if he knows, period.

I mean, who wouldn't wanna know, right? Yeah, it's understandable. I wouldn't fault her for that. I'd do the same thing. Yeah, that's it. And so at some point, you're gonna be a part of helping her find out quote unquote, who she truly is genetically, right? You're gonna be a part of that

or you're gonna send her out on her own. And- Yeah, it's important to know that. Right, and kids can go through, all of us can go through tons of stuff. We just can't go through it alone. And so if you really wanna be, really wanna provide,

like basically you are pulling out the rug under your daughter. If you wanna try to put another rug underneath her, is Is to say I'll be a part of helping you find him if you're interested in that one day I like that All right, I'll walk alongside you but you look at her and you say I will always be your dad period will always be your dad, period. I will always love you. You've seen me show up for you for 16 years. I showed up for you before I even met you. And my truest hope for you and especially for her

is that her bio dad, and this is gonna sound awful for me to say, that her bio dad knew your ex was pregnant and he bailed on her and ran off and said, I don't want anything to do with this kid. I don't want you to abort this kid. I don't want anything to do with this kid. And then you stepped in.

That would be best case scenario for the 16 year old. Yeah, it would be, but it's somewhere in between. Cause I think he does know what makes you think that Her mom told me that she had ran into him in a bar one day And he asked about her so I guess he even knew then, but do you know who this guy is? I've never met the guy. No, you know who he is. I've heard names here and there, but she's changed the name.

I think to get her away from me. Like she had a she had a boyfriend and she lied and said that was he was the father when I know he wasn't, because she had said a different name before. And I would think that was just trying to get me out of the picture and I wasn't having that. It may be worth you telling wife, I'm gonna do a DNA test on my daughter

and we're gonna find out who the dad is or you're gonna tell me who the dad is. Okay. And I guess what I want you to hear me saying is in every way possible I want this sweet 16 year old girl whose world is about to get turned upside down that when she feels like she is in a freefall that at the very worst you are free falling with her at the very best You're gonna be free falling, but you don't ever forget. I've got you you're anchored in You know I'm saying so in a perfect world this starts at like four or five

In a perfect world, this starts at like four or five. Okay. With age four or five, with that sentiment. I wasn't there when you were made, but I got here as soon as I could. And from the age of three, four, five, or six, whatever age those conversations start coming up, she always knows, I picked you. And remember when she was four or five

and trying to fight you on everything and trying to establish boundaries and all that, like all four or five and nine, 10 and 13 year olds do. The common refrain is, I picked you. Right? I wish I'd known all that. I know, I know. And that's why I'm not beating you up.

But it's that old Maya Angelou quote, like do the best you can. And then when you find out different, you do better. Right? And so here you are. You're faced with a really tough situation. From the few things you've told me about your ex, I am doubling and tripling down on my relationship with this young little girl. And you can tell your ex, you can be with us, but we're going forward this this way because this little girl deserves to know the truth about her life The truth about how loved she is the truth about truth She does she deserves to know all that in that conversation for a 16 year old 16 year olds are smart. They get it

They're aware. They're not emotionally mature, but they get stuff in really big ways often underestimated by adults But you sit down and the first thing you say is, I'm about to dump your world upside down and I thought I was doing right and I'm so, so sorry. But today starts me doing right. That's scary. It's terrifying. Yeah. And expect her to lose her mind.

Expect your ex to say all the right things and your 16 year old to say, screw you dad, I want to go live with her. Expect all that. It's going to be a ping pong match of emotions for her because her whole world's getting dumped upside down. I mean, just think for a second, like her dad's not her dad. I mean, I'm sorry. her dad is not her father. Right.

It's just tough, just tough. But yeah, your ex is out to lunch on, let's just don't tell her. That's madness. That is a way to get that kid to cut y'all off forever and rightfully so. You've probably, I mean, you can go back and listen to some of my shows. I've had people call in when they say like, hey, I found out somebody gave me 23andMe when I was 25 or 21. I found out my dad's not my dad.

And it just ripples through their entire life, through their marriages, through their kids. It just becomes one of those things that sets their family tree on fire. Yeah, I can't do that to her. There you go, man. It sounds like you're a good man, dude. What about your 13 year old? Is she a bio daughter? Yeah, she's mine with a different woman. Okay. Actually, me and her have had a conversation similar and she said she wouldn't have freaked out her father if she if I wasn't I know dude, she's just engaged. She's 13 Yeah

She's 13, dude You get what I'm saying? Like like I She's 13. Okay, I don't 13s are just a ball of emotions and hormones and energy and data and facts flying at them a thousand miles an hour. They're still there's still a human being trying to sense the world in the dark and so I don't I never would have gone looking a

hundred percent you would go looking even if it's just to find out your cancer risk for crying out loud right she would and, I, man, I'm so grateful that you called. And I would love to know what happens. And dude, I have a rule. I don't usually talk to kids under 18. But if you all two wanted to call, I'd talk to you both at the same time. I'd be happy to do that. And if you and your ex want to call in and how to navigate that conversation together, y'all being adults, so we say, Hey, we're not together anymore. There's been, there's been animosity between us, but this is best for our daughter. Absolutely.

But yeah, game on game on this. Go go make it happen, my brother. Thanks for the call, Dennis. Hey, next up, we're going to talk to a woman who just moved to the States from Canada and she is overwhelmed with the state of politics in the United States. Whew, this will be a doozy. We'll be right back. All right, so Easter has come and gone again. And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional

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He puts us up in the algorithm and it gets the show in front of more people So that more people can start taking these teeny tiny little steps towards being a better parent, a better lover, a better friend, a better neighbor. God help us. That's what our country needs right now. Let's go out to Cincinnati, Ohio and talk to the great Lauren. Hey Lauren, what's up? It's going.

It is going. What's up my sister? How are we doing? I'm okay. Just trying to figure out how to deal with everything. If you figure that out, write that book, you'll be a jillionaire. So what's going on? I'm just really overwhelmed and anxious with moving here and all the politics that come

along with moving here that I guess I wasn't really prepared for. They're very different from how I grew up. I grew up in a household that we didn't even talk about politics. I don't even know what my parents' politics necessarily are. It's a weird conversation in Canada, I guess. Canada has a culture of nice. Yeah.

And America has a culture of drinking light beer on the lawn in lawn chairs and yelling at the neighbors. I guess, yeah. But you also know that if it goes down on this street, we're all abandoned together, right? So it's a, yeah, everything's open, So that if it goes down on this street, we're all banded together. Right? So it's a, it's a, yeah, the thing, everything's open. But in general, I guess we're kind of in a cold civil war right now, but between each

side, but on the whole, I know that my neighbors are different than me. And let me put it this way. My greatest friend on the planet earth is a guy named Todd. He's a banker. What does that mean? I co-host the Ramsey show where we teach people to get out of debt. on planet Earth is a guy named Todd. He's a banker. What does that mean? I co-host the Ramsey Show where we teach people to get out of debt. That means my whole job is dedicated

to making sure he doesn't have business. And his whole job is making sure that people think I'm dumb, right? I mean, at the end of the day, and he's the executor of my will. He's my closest friend in the world. I love his kids and his family and vice versa. So it's just a, it's a very American,

like we disagree on like on principles, but man, our values are iron clad. I trust that guy with my life, right? And so, yeah, it's just a very different cultural thing. So tell me how, how you're experiencing it here. Is it with family? Is it with friends? Is it, where's it coming?

It's coming from both sides. I'd say I'm kind of in the middle because I live in a rural part of Ohio. I live in Cincinnati. So as you can imagine, most people around me are Republican. And then my parents and the rest of my family live in Canada. And they're not the biggest fan of the current president right now uh, it was because of tariffs and everything so every conversation I have is One side of the aisle the next side of the aisle the one side of the aisle the next side of the aisle It's a little bit much So let's take politics off the table because that's a tough that's just a third rail conversation, especially when you're stuck in the middle, right?

Yeah, um if somebody off the table, because that's a tough, that's just a third rail conversation, especially when you're stuck in the middle, right? If somebody, I don't know, like one of my coworkers is pathologically addicted to murder podcasts, her name may be Kelly, right? Just, just, I'm just throwing that out there. What would it be like if somebody always wanted to talk about the last murder show on 60 Minutes they watched and they wanted to tell you graphic details about all the murder and the death. Now Kelly's like, oh my gosh, that'd be my best friend. But for you, how would you respond to that? I guess I would do what I'm doing in this situation.

I get quiet. I just sit there and- Okay, so tell me about that. What does getting quiet get you? I don't see any reason to be in the conversation. I don't really have an opinion when it comes to it. I don't really feel like I should in some ways. I'm back and forth.

And I just want, like, I just want them to feel heard. But then I'm kind of sick of hearing it, I guess, is an easy way to put it. So where did you learn, and I think you may have already alluded to it, where did you learn that making them feel heard and okay was more important than how you felt in any given environment? Not exactly sure. Maybe my childhood, I'm not exactly sure. If you grew up in a culture, and I don't want to blame Canada because America's got plenty of this too, especially in the South, where we just don't talk about it and we're going to pretend it's

not there and then every few months or years somebody just explodes because they can't hold it in any longer or they die of some illness or they get some sort of chronic somatic, you know, pain disorder, because their body's trying to just hold all this stuff in. What have I told you, the greatest gift you could give to yourself and the people that you're around, family members and friends,

new friends in a new culture, in a new country, is boundaries. And I'll echo Dr. Becky here, boundaries require nothing of somebody else. It's just you stating, here's what I'm gonna do. And so here's an example, tell me what this does inside your chest, if it makes you feel a little nervous,

or if it makes you be like, oh, that'd be so awesome. You're sitting in rural Ohio at a gas station and somebody is just, well, a gas station is too easy. I don't know, do you have friends there in Ohio? Yeah, I do. Okay, so they just start going in. Canada's the worst, I hate that place. They are fill in the blank, fill in the blank and we should tariff them. Right Lauren?

What if you looked and said, Hey, I just don't talk politics. I'm just, I, that's not some, I can't affect the tariff policy. And so I just, I don't get into it, but I really would be interested in how your kids are doing. Okay. but I really would be interested in how your kids are doing. Okay. Tell me what that feels like in your chest, as I'm saying that imagine yourself going through that exercise.

That's not a good feeling. That's not so very out of my comfort zone. Okay, tell me about it. It's just because I guess I'm a bit of a people pleaser. Peacemaker, definitely. Yeah. I don't like to make conflict. I like to keep everything at bay.

Yes. But this, it's just, it's constant. It's all the time, it's in my face. I don't even feel like I can go on my phone anymore. That's right. Because I don't even see a single thing about politics. It doesn't matter what side it's on. I love it.

I love it. Because see, here's what I want you to hear. You are not in your comfort zone on a minute by minute basis already. So the choice you have in front of you is not one thing I'm comfortable and one thing I'm not comfortable. You're choosing from two forms of discomfort. Either your mom and dad are going to electrify the right side of your body and your friends are going to electrify the left side of your body.

That was pretty good. You see what I did there? Or you're going to choose to not be electrocuted and you're going to have to stand there in the discomfort of, I spoke my mind finally. And not even I spoke my mind like I took a stand, I'm like, your politics are wrong. I think tariffs are ridiculous. Not that. It's simply, yeah, dude, I only talk about things that I can directly impact or that

I can, I can intercede on in a minute by minute basis, like your kids, like our local schools, like our family, like my husband, my friends, I can impact that. I just don't get into the other mess. Okay. Because what I'm trying to get you to see is you are radically uncomfortable right now already. Yes.

And you can't talk to your friends. You can't talk to your friends. you can't talk to your friends. You can't talk to your friends. You can't talk to your family. And if we have to do some, choose between one discomfort or another, let's choose the discomfort that is short-term that will get us to what we want. And in your case, you want peace.

Yes. Okay. Even in my house, my husband talks about it all the time. He doesn't stop. So let's practice with him. Let's practice with him. And do you want me to give you a tip that my wife did to me? Because I was the same way. Sure.

I politicized everything. Everything. And my wife gave me the gift of saying, I can't bear the weight when you come home and dump all of your philosophical stuff, all the articles you've read, all the conversations, all your pontificating about the end of the world. I can't carry that.

And so if you need to talk about that, I'm not a good person for you. But I am interested in talking about things that we can do together that our family can be involved with that like helps us lean towards the world that we want. So I can't come home, I can, I can, you know, it's my house and my wife's house and she wouldn't like say, shut up. But I don't come home talking about all the research about loneliness and how we're all

dying and not, it's not helpful. I can come home and say, hey, I really want us to be known as a lighthouse of hospitality. Everybody's welcome at our house. Everybody, I don't care who you vote for, I don't care who you love, I don't care anything.

You're always welcome at my house. Can we invite somebody over once a week? And she's like, done. How about twice? You get, you see the difference there? Yes, I do. Okay. So practice with me real quick. I'll be your husband.

Okay. Okay. I think, I don't know, I'm just making something up. I don't want someone to clip it. They're going to clip what I'm about to say and then they're going to put it out on the internet. I think that American politics are the best thing ever. I think Canadian politics are the worst and blah blah blah.

And we're sitting down for dinner. Now go. See, this is where I start. I feel like freezing and just not saying anything. Okay. Do me a favor. Exhale. And I want you to take your thumb in your forefinger or your thumb in your middle finger,

whichever one's more comfortable for your hand. And I want you just to squeeze them together. And all we're doing is recognizing, I feel a thing and I'm on it. Okay. And let's go one step further. I'll even say it's unfair for your husband who doesn't know how uncomfortable he's making you.

Or he actually knows you're uncomfortable, he doesn't know why. And maybe in his weird ways trying to connect with you. Okay. And so a gift you can give him is, hey, this is this actually doesn't connect us together. This pushes me away. I can't I can't hold it all. And so I intentionally don't watch the news. I intentionally don't scroll social media.

I intentionally don't do these things so that I can show up for my neighbors. I can show up for my neighbors. I can show up for my friends I can actually affect something locally, which is all I can do right now There's not a single thing I can do about executive orders until the next election period Can't do anything about it. I'm calling the congressman Right. I can do that. I don't even think you're allowed to call our congressman. Are you I guess you can They don't even think you're allowed to call our congressman, are you? I guess you can. I probably could, but I don't think it would matter. I mean, it does if enough people call. It for sure does, but usually that's pretty coordinated efforts, right? And you can go thumbs down everything on social media. That doesn't do

anything. It just makes you mad. Yeah. Right? And so it's just opting out and saying, I'm going to control what I can control. I'm going to become the person I want to see in the world. Period. Okay. So I think politics are blah blah blah. What do you think Lauren? I don't really want to talk about politics. And? Okay so you drew the boundary and you drew the disconnection. You highlighted the disconnection. Now one more statement is how are we going to connect? Okay.

Let's talk about what we're going to do this summer or something along those lines, I guess. So I would say I am interested. Always use I statements. Okay. I get overwhelmed by all the politic talk. I am super interested in planning what you and I are going to do this summer. Can we talk about that? And maybe if you're, and again, I don't know your husband, if he is always, always, always

politic and politic and politic and it may be that let's don't do that little exercise we practiced first. Let's sit down and you tell him, hey, since I've been here, I'm overwhelmed and I can't hold it all and I need our house to be politics free I need our home to be a safe place where I can drop my shoulders and the world is chaotic My home is still chaotic. I mean my childhood home and another country is chaotic here is chaotic and Especially in the US chaos sells. It's intentional All the media companies are publicly traded.

The big three or the big four, they're publicly traded. That means they have a vested interest in not giving you truth, but in selling you ads. That's it. Their job is to make a profit. And how do you make a profit? You tell somebody, the end of the world is coming and I have a solution.

I have your escape pod. That's it. And so telling your husband, I need our place to be a place of safety. Not free of conflict and not free of discussion. Me and me and my wife argue and disagree on stuff all the time, but it's not yelling matches. It's her saying, I think that's completely off.

Or she says something, I'm like, I don't agree with that at all. And we go back and forth and I may send her an article and she'll get halfway through and say I just Disagree with the premise of this but then she honors me by saying and here's why and Then I get a choice of to opt in or opt out but I know we're always on the same team So sitting down and saying I can't do politics with you anymore. I Am interested in talking with you. I'm Till death do us part interested in talking with you

about things that we can build together to create the world in our tiny little sphere that we wanna see. We're gonna learn how to love local and be a part of our rural community here in Ohio. And we're gonna impact change there with who cares how people vote. We're gonna impact change

because we're gonna become those there. Who cares how people vote? We're gonna impact change because we're gonna become those people. And start there. And if he says, forget you, then you'll have a bigger problem in your marriage. But it sounds like he would honor you and say, you're exactly right, I'm sorry. I'm getting worked up on this end too. Seat connection there.

Thank you so much for the call, Lauren. By the way, Lauren, whether you're from Canada, just moving to the States, it's probably more acute, but this conversation is happening in home, millions of homes across the country. I'm really grateful that you reached out and had the conversation with me because I think it's gonna give a lot of peace

to a lot of people. When we come back, a woman's facing challenges and navigating boundaries with her in-laws. And that applies to all of you listening. Stay tuned, we'll be right back. Good folks, a strong body supports a healthy mind, and too often we overlook how connected the two really are. Neglecting our bodies, like not moving, not lifting weights,

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All right, let's go to Memphis, Tennessee. Hey, what is up, Anne? Hi. How are you? How are you? I'm great. I'm good. What's up? Um, how do I set boundaries with my in-laws? I don't know if you can figure that out. You should write that book You'll sell a trillion copies all planet wide. What's up with your in-laws? well, they all work at the same family business. Oh, gross, you're doomed, you're doomed, Ann.

And they all live on the same piece of land. Oh, Lord. And we just moved to the same city as them. So it's a newer issue that has kind of popped up. And we also just had a baby. Are you the first one to have a baby in that family? Yes, and also the first one to be married. Nice.

So the whole cult rests on you. Pretty much. There you go. All right, so what's going on? How are they making you uncomfortable or probably better way to say that is how are your in-laws taking peace from your brand new family in your developing and growing home? Yeah, so my mother-in-law wanted to watch our baby. We have daycare typically,

but she wanted to watch the baby for the day and I agreed. And she texted me that morning and said, Hey, I'm gonna be an hour late. So I said, no worries, just come a different day. And she went and checked my baby out of daycare so that she could spend time with her. Hell to the no! No, no! Yeah that's yeah that's no bueno. Right. I wish you'd seen the whole booth. The whole booth was just like whoa yikes. Okay, so what else?

They want to spend like three weeks of our time off from work together. And so when I push back on, hey, my husband and I are going to spend vacation together. They kind of send messages in a way that this is what we do for the holidays. You need to spend it with us. This is how we celebrate. So my big question is, where and kind of tell them that we might show up, but we might not show up. So, he's a coward. He likes to keep all the peace.

Yeah. And then he married you. Yeah. And so, I get, man, peacekeeping keeps you safe when you're a kid, 100%. And if you grow up in a family business and a family compound and a family farm and a family everything, and this is what we do and this is how we do it, peacekeeping is a survival mechanism. So I honor your husband.

Good for him. He did what he had to do. But then he looked at you and held both your hands and looked in your eyes and said, till death do us part. And that was the day he broke away from having to prop up emotionally immature parents. And he said, I choose you. And that means the peacekeeping days are over. Now it's honoring your wife and honoring your wife is not sending vague gray messages to

in-laws because now they have another avenue and it's you. Right. And you're having to carry all this stuff now. And so here, I mean, it's as simple as this. It's as simple as your husband telling his parents, does he work at this family compound too? No, he will finish his training and then has the option to. Is he going to? I think we've decided no.

We have, has he? Yeah, yeah. Because if he's a person that does gray with them, he probably does gray with you too. Oh yeah. And, I say this all the time on the show, this is a real life example, the things you gray with them, he probably does gray with you too. Oh yeah. And I say this all the time on the show, this is a real life example, the things you did as a kid to keep you safe will destroy your marriages. And so he probably tells you pretty often, yeah, like you're like, hey, I really want

to go to the beach. He's like, yeah, let's check that out. He's not going to the beach. And he just buys himself some time and then kind of slowly it fades away and you're like, well, he's not really interested and I'm probably pushing too much. We may not have the money this time.

And so you live in a perpetual state of disappointment. And then here's what I don't like about that kind of gray just is you think something's wrong with you. And then somebody comes along and says, you will be here for Christmas. You're like, yes, ma'am, even though you hate it. Does that sound familiar? Or tell me if I'm wrong.

I think you're spot on. Yeah. Yeah. So I guess it's very similar to a previous caller we just had. You're in a state of discomfort. And if you ask your husband, if you tell him that you need him to be more decisive and more instructive with his family. And more importantly, that you wanna get away with him and decide to gather the kind of life y'all want to build. And you need him to take the lead with his family when it comes to boundaries and no more wishy-wash

and no more gray. And by the way, you're doing it to me too. That's going to be uncomfortable also, fair? Yeah. Okay. So you're choosing either a discomfort over here or discomfort over here. But most of the time when we don't have these hard conversations in our marriage, we think it's because we don't want to become uncomfortable.

And I always want to point out with a couple, you're uncomfortable now. Yeah. Let's choose the discomfort that's going to get us to the place where we want to be. And also he needs the freedom to say, I want to be with my family every holiday, every Christmas. And you can say that I'm going to murder you to death, right? Don't do that. Don't kill him.

Do you think he actually wants to be there and he's kind of just quietly gaslighting you a little bit? Or is he just sick of the whole thing? He would love to join the family business, but I think he knows that our marriage can't handle it. Okay, so that's what I was getting at because here's where the trend, tell me if the trend is wrong.

All my family's there, let's just move to this town. It'll be fine, we'll have our own place. I'm not even done training yet. I'm not gonna work there, but let's just move here so we can kind of be in the vicinity. It's a first kid and all that, and you're like, okay. And then it's, this is crazy. They said that I could just come, I could join the business

and they're gonna pay me X. I'm not gonna do that, but man. And then it's this slow, it's almost like he knows where he's going to end up. And he's just trying to slowly wear the edge off of you so he can ultimately get where he wants to be. And who does that? His mom? Right?

He's just running the script that he knows. Yeah. And so how long y'all have y'all been married? Four years. Okay. Can I tell you this isn't crazy for marriages? This years. Okay. Can I tell you, this isn't crazy for marriages. This is pretty normal. Where two people get together, you have a kid, and then you both start running the scripts

that you know. Or, in my language, you start living into the pictures you just anticipated for your life. And he probably has a picture of his parents are loving grandparents and that he works at the family business and he takes it over one day and he's a bajillionaire and you get to live the life that his mom lives and on and on. And you have another picture of what you want this thing to look like.

Yeah, I do. And so what y'all need to do is sit down and be very honest with each other about the pictures of what you want your life to look like. And that usually is a challenging conversation, but man, it can be the most awesome gift to your family, to you and to him. So as I'm talking, tell me where you have a point of pause,

tell me what it is. What are you worried about? Well, in a couple of months, once the training is done, What are you worried about? Well, in a couple of months, once the training is done, we do have the option to move away, which would kind of give us more distance and would go kind of back to how our marriage was before we were around them. how our marriage was before we were around them. But I don't want to like crush my husband's dreams. So you're just going to crush yours?

When you say it like that, yeah. I don't want to do that either. Because I think the real magic here is figuring out, is there a way you can have the peace in your home and the laughter and the joy in your home without worrying that your mother-in-law is going to come take your kid out of school without you knowing? Or can he have the life he wants and have two or three really uncomfortable years learning that it was never his job to prop up his mother and her emotional dysregulation? That was not his job. It is his job to fully and wholly love his wife and his kids. That's going to be a tough shift for him. That's hard.

I mean, and I wouldn't, it's not an Instagram post. That's not a switch you flip. That's something you practice. It's very hard. Cause his mom will text him and say like, you're breaking my heart. You're taking my grandbaby away. This Christmas feels useless that you,

since you walked out, she'll do stuff like that, right? Oh yeah. Yeah. Okay. So he's to have to learn that that's not his job. And most people in that level of dysfunction need a professional. And so here's the easiest way to enter into this conversation. And I kind of love it. When you don't know what to do next, I'm a big believer in getting somebody you trust and somebody you care about who will be honest with you and still love you and dumping the whole box on the table. What does that mean?

Honey, how old's your little baby? Four months. Okay, honey, we have a four month old. In four months, you're about to be done. And I'm counting down the days because I'm terrified of what comes next. What do you mean? Because I feel like I cannot, I don't want to build a life where you're a part of this family cult.

Because the next step, by the way, Anne, is you all are moving on to that property. You know that and I do too. You do. Right. And he already has the plot picked out. His mom's already said, well, this is going to be for y'all if you ever want to come. And dad's like, we'll give you a great deal on it. I'll even get the down payment. That's already in the works.

Yeah. And so you can say, I feel like this is the future. And I'm already grieving that that's gonna be my life and All things on the table we have an opportunity to move and you are so invested in propping up your mom Not honoring and loving her but being her therapist being her her support pet That I feel like I'm gonna break your heart by wanting us to move away and I feel stuck her support pet, that I feel like I'm gonna break your heart by wanting us to move away and I feel stuck. So instead of talking about family business

and moving into the family compound and moving away, what if we first cleared the deck and said, what do we want our house to look like and feel like? Financially, emotionally, romantically, how many kids, if we could do it like, shake up one of those eight balls, how many kids we wanna have? What do we want it to feel like when you walk home every,

walk in every day? And then let's go from there. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, that makes perfect sense. And if he looks at you and says, all right, all cards on the table, I'm moving onto that property. This is what we do.

Then you and have to deal in that reality because right now you're kind of avoiding reality a little bit and he's kind of avoiding reality of what everybody's playing the gray game. Because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but he's going to work at the family business and move y'all onto the plot. And you don't want to hurt his feelings,

but you're moving away back to where y'all were. And that's when you get a car wreck. Down the road. Yeah. So step one, right down where you feel trapped. And what I've heard you say is I feel trapped that this is going to be our end result. And I've told you since I married you, I didn't want this to be our end result. And I feel trapped that your mother-in-law is dictating my life, our life, and that we're just property in her little chess game.

And I feel trapped that if I move us away, you're going to be so devastated that you're going to resent me forever. That's one of the traps I heard. And just go down a list, write these traps out, and then honor him by sitting down and loving him enough to be honest and say, I see a train wreck coming for us and I wanna slow the whole train down so that we don't crash.

And that to me, I think is the scariest, most vulnerable, but most honest and loving thing partners can do for each other. I see a train wreck coming. And the thing you do with your parents, I feel like you're doing with me, and by the way, I'm participating too. I married you, not your mom. Go make it happen, Ann. I know it's a scary, scary conversation. Again, I'll always offer this. I'm happy to talk to both of you. If y'all want to do a session with me, I'll do a session with you guys for an hour. If y'all want to do that, we'll record it. That'd be fun. Or if he wants to call, how do you do this? He wants to choose you over mom. He didn't know how. I'm happy to talk to him there,

but I'd love to hear how this conversation went. Holler back at us and let me know. went. How this conversation went. Holler back at us and let me know. Because, by the way, millions and millions of people are going through this exact thing right now. And so your vulnerability and bravery is gonna help a whole bunch of people and thank you so much for the call. Hey gang, we'll be right back. Alright, it's time for a quick word about Delete Me. Does anyone else feel like our digital footprints are starting to feel more like digital trails leading a whole bunch of creepy people back to us? And now scammers are using phishing attacks, that's phishing with a PH, where they try

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All right, we're back. All right, Kelly, something rad happened. What is it? All right, this is a bit of a follow-up. So this is from Christina from Missouri. Okay, pause real quick. This weekend, I did an event with Stephen Bargatze, Nate's dad, the magician. By the way, if you ever have a chance to see Stephen Bargatze in your town, you have to

go. He is next level magician. I haven't laughed that hard. It was just amazing. But he was making fun of me from stage and he was like, ooh, a grown man that says rad. You think that makes you cool. It doesn't. It's embarrassing.

Like, man, he let me have it for saying rad. And just when I said rad just now, I was like, all right, I'm too old to say rad. I love him. So, oh dude, it was even more ruthless. All right, so Kelly, something neat is going on. I don't know what to say. Neato? Something really remarkable. Really swell. Trying to say an old middle-aged thing to say. It's the bee's knees. All right. So this is from Christina. Two years ago, she called in and you talked to her about how to support her sister who had a terminal diagnosis.

Okay. All right. So she says, here, I took your advice. By the way, the sister was ignoring it, wouldn't plan a funeral stuff, wouldn't talk about it with her husband. I do remember this call. Yeah. She wouldn't face reality basically.

All right. She said, I took your advice and we had hard conversations about funeral and we said everything that we wanted to say. We laughed and cried. We drove down to the lake to watch the sunset. I sat with her many times just holding her hands while we cried. It was beautiful and sad. I had the privilege of being next to her as she left this world. I found out later that she was unable to have those hard conversations with her husband and son. But because we had had those conversations, I was able to help guide them through the process and tell them her wishes. Thanks to your advice, I have no regrets. I miss her terribly, but our last words to each other

in this world where I love you. Thank you for all that you do." Oh my gosh. Uh-oh, caught me on the wrong day. I'm about to get choked up. What was her name? This is Christina from st. Louis. Christina from st. Louis. I'm not gonna say anything else other than that's amazing and You've created a legacy for a grieving husband and a grieving kid and for you and your family because you entered into that hard conversation Amazing amazing. Yeah. Well, that was a blessing man. I appreciate that one. That was a really great letter. Thank you so much for that. Kind of like the theme of the show today is head into the hard conversation. If you're not having a hard conversation, you're already miserable. If you have a hard conversation, that's miserable. It's hard. So you're just choosing your heart. You're choosing which misery, a path you wanna take.

And I'm always gonna take the one that's gonna be short term that is gonna get me to where I wanna go and not just stay in the dance forever. So thank you all so much for checking out the show. Love you guys, stay in school, don't do drugs, and I'll see you next time. Peace.