The Dr. John Delony Show - Should My Spouse Be My Best Friend and Confidant?

Episode Date: October 16, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A wife wondering if she should expect her husband to be her confidant and best friend - A recovering alcoholic trying to make positive life changes - How to choose reality when building a non-anxious life To order John's new book Building a Non-Anxious Life click here. Lyrics of the Day: "Yellow Camaro" - Weezer  Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Is it unreasonable to want your spouse to be your best friend? My spouse asked me to not talk about my work anymore. He said it's all we talk about. All he hears all day is complaining from his work. So the last thing he wants to hear when he gets home is more complaining or excuses. What's up? This is John with Dr. John Deloney show. Show about your marriage, your parenting, your kids, your mental health, your emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. My promise is I may not know the answer,

but I'll sit with you and we will figure it out. And we're going to reach out to the people who might be experts, but we're going to land on an answer. Here's what you need to do next. If you want to be on this show, the show's real people going through real challenges. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. four six nine three 3291 it's one eight four four six nine three three two nine one or go to johndeloney.com slash ask and do not um miss the end of this show make sure you find some time and some space to watch this to listen to the end of the show we got something special for you coming up at the very end um in the space of the last caller. And I'm super excited. This is episode 49. We just recorded out of order this morning. Our 500th episode.

With a very, very, very special guest. Super jazzed. And I might see her later tonight. At our house. And I don't mean that in a cool way. But I do mean that in a cool way. No, I do. Let's go to Little Rock and talk to dear Marie. What's up, Marie? And I don't mean that in the coy, but I do mean that in the coy. No, I do. Whatever.

Let's go to Little Rock and talk to dear Marie. What's up, Marie? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? Partying. What are you up to? Oh, living the dream. This is a nightmare.

Anytime somebody says living the dream, their life is terrible. What's up? Well, I'll just get straight to my question. I wanted to know, is it unreasonable to want your spouse to be your best friend and confidant? Depends on your definition of best friend. Well, my spouse basically asked me to not talk about my work anymore. I'm sorry. I'm really nervous.

I'm shaking in my... Don't be nervous, Marie. I'm terrible at this. You're fine. He said it's all we talk about, and all he hears all day is complaining from his work. So the last thing he wants to hear when he gets home is more complaining or excuses. Kind of to explain our life, he has a very inflexible schedule that is shift work. I work for a small family-owned accounting firm. So I have flexibility, which is one of the reasons why I started working for it.

We're raising two kids. But there's constant deadlines and I'm managing, you know, a couple of people. And so when I leave or have the flexibility, I still have to get the work done. Whereas I imagine with his work, when the shift is over, somebody else is taking over that shift and continuing the work. It's not really like that with my job, unfortunately. But I'm thankful for it because I enjoy it. And like I said, it allows me to do things like today, right before this call, I had to run back and get a lunch for somebody who forgot it at home. And honestly, I think a lot of times whenever I complain, it's just hoping for some compassion so that whenever I do have to work nights or weekends, it's a little bit better received. Yeah.

I don't know. So. Might be manipulation. No, I mean, what you're mentioning now, what you're talking about now is not at all how I would define best friend. Because with your definition, what you're hoping your best friend is, is a trash can. For you to come empty all the crap that happened to you today into a can, into a person, and you want them just to hear you and take it. But I don't think that's what you want. You said it perfectly.

I want some compassion. I want someone to see all of me, both the beautiful me that's the wife, both like the romantic partner, the awesome mom side of me, and like the exhausted side because I'm busting my butt too. It just looks different than the way you're busting it, your butt. And that's not about being best friends and that's not even coming home and vomiting on somebody. It's really about two things. One, creating

boundaries about work from home. Like in what a lot of us do when we have work at home, we bring the work home. We're mad that the work is there. And then we're mad at the rest of our family for not realizing that I'm still at work even though I'm at home. The whole thing just gets messy, right? Right. It's different than saying from five o'clock

until eight o'clock, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna have my mom hat on and wife hat on. And then I'm taking that hat off. And then from eight o'clock till 11 p.m., I'm going to be, I'm going to have my mom hat on and wife hat on. And then I'm taking that hat off. And then from eight o'clock to 11 PM, I'm going to be an employee because that's, that's the arrangement I have. That's what I have to do right now for my particular job in this particular moment. And it allows you to say, I'm, I'm code switching here, but I'm, I'm a mom here. And I'm, I'm at home here. It's when you plop up with the laptop and everyone's watching TV and you're like, hey, I'll be quiet. I can't figure this out.

I'm not getting you a snack. You're trying to do both at the same time and it never works. That's the first one. The second thing is, is there something deeper going on in your marriage? Tell me about that. The picture you just painted is very much a symptom, not the root cause you and your husband are pretty far apart huh i mean i think so we we have been through counseling

and there have been improvements but there still just seems to be a disconnect like i don't know i just feel like I'm constantly criticized. And when I say that to him, he says, well, you're just misinterpreting how I'm saying it. Don't listen to the way that I'm saying it. Listen to my words. But it feels not supportive. Have you told him explicitly the words that are helpful and the words that are not helpful? Because a lot of times we want our spouses to be mind readers.

Yes, which is what he tells me all the time. I can't be a mind reader, but I do feel like whenever I have, it's hard for me to express how I'm feeling really. Why is that? Is he not safe? Or is that a skill you need to learn? I think a little bit of both. I mean, he, so before we got married, before he was diagnosed with ADD, which, you know, once he got some help for that, that did help with some anger. But I would say that sometimes I don't feel emotionally safe. Okay.

And he's a good person. What does that mean? I don't hear this at all. I don't hear this at all. I don't hear this at all like you're talking bad about him. What I hear is you're speaking Italian, he's speaking Spanish, and he's trying to tell you as loudly as he can, I love you, and you don't understand what he's saying and vice versa. That's probably true.

If he's going to counseling with you and he's trying to tell you, hey, just listen to what I'm saying and don't interpret my body language or this. Then that sounds like a guy who's trying. And on the other side of that, you have to take ownership of what you need from him. And you have to say those things out loud. For instance, in a very similar situation years ago with my wife, I had to say, I just need you to say the words, I'm proud of you. Thank you for working so hard. And she said, in a roundabout ways, like all of your laundry just magically appears in the thing and your kids' lunches are magically made. And I, you know, like go on dates with you and fill in the blank, all these things. And I'm like, I know.

And behavior is a language. That's like one of my core sayings. And I get it. Would you just say those words for me? And then she said, absolutely. Yes. And I was ashamed and I was embarrassed to say something like that out loud, but it needed to be said because I was just getting frustrated that she never acknowledges me.

And so similarly, I tell you that about my life to tell you, you're going to have to be explicit. This isn't Hollywood and not every romantic comedy. I mean, every romantic movie doesn't end with like, I can, I know what you're thinking and saying. It's going to take you sitting down and saying, when you say these two things, I shut down. And it's my nervous system that leaves the building, goes to fight or flight, and then I'm trying to recover. I can't be in a relationship with you. When you say, why don't you? I'm out.

That's why on this show, and so I could get all nerded out and talk about the nervous system. I don't think that's as instructive as saying, that's why I'm always on this show telling people, look at your romantic partner in the morning, hold their hand and ask the question, how can I love you today? And if your husband asked you that on a random Tuesday

and you knew you had six hours of work after you got home that night, you could say, tonight's gonna be chaos for me. Would you take bedtimes and take the kids out to dinner somewhere? Even though we you take bedtimes and take the kids out to dinner somewhere? Even though we can't afford it, we take the kids out to dinner. Will you do bedtimes so I can fully plug into this stuff so that I can be fully present the rest of the week? That's a different request. How can I love you today? And that's a different full expression of what I need

and what I want today. Or how can I love you today? I'm feeling super disconnected. Can we plan a super wallpaper coming off the walls sex night tonight and we just text each other all day about it? Got it. Let's be super intentional about what we need and let's have those conversations on the front end and then give each other a chance to show up. Because then if he says, I ain't doing that, I ain't doing bedtime tonight, that's your fault for working late. Well, now you realize you got a bigger issue in your marriage.

And I think that has been the response. Not, I mean, there have been times when, yes, he's responded that way, but other times, like he'll say, well, I was already planning to do this. Or, you know, I think when I have tried to communicate in the past, it just hasn't been received well or, you know. And I think he is trying. So I think two things can solve some of that. One is insane clarity.

Nothing left to guess the chance. My wife will tell me, and if you Google ADHD, my picture comes up, right? I'm a poster child. She will say, Josephine needs to be in bed by 745. Hank has this assignment, and it's very clear. And for years, she thought a real infested dad would know these things, would know what time bedtime is and would know what time whatever. And as part of our rebuilding the marriage from the floor up, it was, hey dude, I'm working so crazy. I'm disconnected from the operation of this house.

That's on me. And you and I have never sat down and talked about what's the best bedtimes for X and for Y and for Z. And so I honestly don't know. And so I'm not trying to be a jerk. I'm not trying to be absent. I don't know. And she was like, oh my gosh,

I've been holding you accountable for things you didn't even know. And then here we go, right? So there has to be insane clarity. And there's a difference between coming home at five o'clock and being like, I got a crazy night tonight. I need you to do bedtime and whatever. And him like, dude, I already told everybody that I'm coming over for whatever. And a Sunday night, hey, can we do calendar tonight for the week? I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a bonkers week on Monday or

Tuesday or Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm going to need you this week. So as clear as possible and as up river as possible are two huge helps there. And then the final one is, man, life happens and adults have to be adults. There's going to be days you get hammered with a project at noon, do the next day, and he's going to have to just suck it up and be a grown man and say, I love you and I love my kids and I love our family system more than whatever I think I'm going to go do. Does that make sense? Yes, it does.

And I think I know this stuff, but sometimes it's hard application and head knowledge versus heart knowledge. It's hard to. It's so hard. It's so hard, Marie. And can I tell you, it's so unsexy. It's so not how the movies are. Right. It's just not.

It's like you text me like, I have to work late. And he's like, aha, I'm going to get candles and dinner. And the kids are magically going to brush their teeth on their own. Like, it's just not how it works, right? Because he's working a shift and he's like, okay, got it. And he's on, you've got a boss screaming at him and he's got whatever. And the insurance is due today and he's got to get the oil changed. Like, it's just life is bananas outside of a Hollywood theater.

Right. And most couples are frustrated by putting sex on the calendar. Most couples are frustrated that they'll look at their romantic part of the person they've made a human with and say, hey, when you say these two things, I'm out. My body shuts off. I don't know. I wish it didn't, but it just does. A better way to ask me is fill in the blank. This clearly. And if you are very clear and you move up river and he goes, I ain't doing that. I really ain't my boys. Your marriage is in trouble. You have a bigger issue that you got to face head on. You got to choose reality in that moment. If you're working a flexible job and the flexibility comes at a cost, which is boundaries.

One of the things that people learned when everybody was working from home was that they never got to go home from work. And so we saw these astonishing people logged in working 17 hours a day because they didn't have anything else to do. And we've slowly seen a productivity decline because working more doesn't mean working more. Working more doesn't mean working effectively or with good stuff. And so it may be that this flexible job is super cool. And your kids, if they forget their lunch, they forget their lunch.

And they won't forget it twice. Unless mom comes and takes it to them every time. And the flexibility might be coming at a cost of the peace inside you, inside your home. And so maybe it's something to look into. But let's go with clarity. Let's go with way, way, way upstream. Let's start there and see if you can challenge him to meet your needs that are very clear and by the way ask him how can i love you this week what he might say i really need to go be with the boys for a night awesome go knock it

out man go have fun have the time of your life. Because if he goes out and hangs out and goes and plays softball or goes and does whatever he does, as long as it's not fantasy sports, no fantasy sports. Or like Ben, Pokemon card collector. You can do that because those got a big ROI on them. But like whatever it is, you're going to get a better version of your husband if he goes out and hangs out with his friends. Unless those friends are idiots and then that's a whole other conversation. But you know where I'm going. Start with clarity. Clarity, clarity, clarity. Start a Sunday night. Hey, can we go over the calendar this week? What most couples find is it's pretty much like foreplay with gasoline on the fire. When you talk about your calendars together. Whoa. We'll be right back.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes

more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp.

BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney.

All right, let's go out to Dallas, Texas and talk to Jamie. What's up, Jamie? Hi, Dr. John. This is Jamie. How are you? I'm great. How are you? I'm doing good. So my, thank you for taking my call by the way. Of course. Thanks for calling. What's up? My question is how do I balance working on getting out of debt, an active member of AA, going to counseling, and being a good wife and mother. And here's my backstory. So I met my husband during the beginning of COVID. We got

married eight months after meeting, which was January 10th of 2021. Both of us have children or I have a child from another relationship. His kids are now 23, 18, and 16 years old. I have a 20-year-old. All the kids live outside our home. We both brought debt into our relationship and we're currently working on baby step number two. And we've been making progress on that by the way. We are both working about 55 to 65 hours a week. I struggled with drinking alcohol, which led to some chronic health issues. I've been sober since November 27th, 2021. All right. Way to go. Yeah. Yeah. So like in two days, you're about to get your, um, yeah,

you're about to get your two year chip here in a month or two. Yeah. Congratulations, man. That's awesome. Thank you. It's been, it's been. And when I, and when I say I'm an active member, like I have a sponsor, I actually have a sponsor. I chair meetings. I mainly go to women's meetings, but sometimes I do co-ed. So like, I'm there. Like, I'm working the program. It's not just,

oh yeah, I go in once a time. You know, I mean, I'm present. So I show up. And so it's been really hard to work. And I go to counseling. And I know that these changes have strengthened my husband and I's relationship. Even though I know being debt-free and staying sober is worth it, and it is worth it, there are days I just want to do nothing and start over or just run. I'm just tired. Yes. That feeling is right. Yeah. Yeah.

So that's my, that's the gist of it. So hear me say this. You're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. If you weren't having those days, I would think you probably should see somebody right now. Right.

Because the person who's jamming is not working right. How do you define be a good wife and good mom? Because the things that you just rattled off there, that you're trying to create peace in your home by paying off all your debts. And for those of you who don't know, Baby Step 2 is a part of a program called Financial Peace University. And Baby Step 2 is a death sprint to sell everything, to work like crazy, no restaurants, nothing to pay off everything you owe so that you don't owe anybody except for your mortgage. How long do you have to go on that, Jamie? So we are tackling our lost credit card. When I looked at every dollar, I want to say we started off with a little over $100K.

And yeah, it was a little bit of everything. That's all right. But where are you now? Where are you now? We're about a little over little over 80,000. Left or that's what we've paid off? That is how much we have left. Okay. So you're 20% in, right? That's right.

Right. Correct. Very cool. How long have you been working on that? Well, at first we were kind of off and on, but then we both sold two expensive cars. I missed the Camaro. Nobody misses a Camaro. That's the most Dallas thing I've ever heard. The guy who plays second string tight end in his high school football team, that's who drives Camaros. Right. But we sold a 2021 Camaro and a 2021 Trailblazer, which took off a lot of that.

And then we also had a lot of medical. I had some significant health issues. Hold on. You're circling the question. How do you define being a good mom and a good wife? Oh. How do I define being a good mom and a good wife? Oh, how do I define? I guess being, I guess being present.

Okay. But sometimes. You're in a fight for your life. Yeah. And before you can be present, your body would be failing you if it let you sit in peace in your living room with your loved ones, knowing you owed $100,000 in credit card debt, in car debt, depreciating assets. It would be failing you. Right.

If it wasn't slowly sounding the alarms, you're not okay, you're not okay, you're not okay. Right. Because you've been a few drinks in and all of a sudden something's happening. Your body has a GPS pin in that moment and it knows you can get fired at any moment for anything. Right. And if you owe that kind of money, then they take everything. Right?

So your body's doing exactly what it should be. And you're going to counseling and working on how you re-experience the world and you're going to AA and learning from the foundation up how to re-experience being alive. Right. That's incredible. There's not going to be any balance in this season, and there shouldn't be. Because you're running for your life. You're healing.

You're growing. It's like looking down after you got a bad cut and it's got a scab on it. And you're like, when does the smooth skin arrive? And it's like looking down like after you got a bad cut and it's and it's and it's got a scab on it and you're like when does the smooth skin arrive and it's like later right it's still healing and that doesn't the scab doesn't mean it's it's broken and man scabs are the worst when you bump them and they start bleeding again right or you scratch them through your shirt because you just forget about it and it bleeds into your shirt like the worst and also it's a sign that your body's healing you're on the path here's what i think's happening often when we make control alt delete life changes i'm gonna start losing weight i'm gonna start a workout plan i'm gonna be a better husband i'm gonna stop drinking i'm gonna go to aa i'm

struggling to counseling it feels so freaking good for a week or two right it's like you can take on the world and then the reality sets in this is every day for the rest of your life

and it's boring and it's annoying and it's so frustrating and then slowly but surely from underneath those relationships and new programs the shame demons come out and they're like,

if you hadn't done this this long ago, this wouldn't happen. And if you hadn't bought that, you hadn't done this. Right? They're hollering at you. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So it's a matter of, we're going to get through this. We're going to pay off everything we owe.

So that we can, our bodies can go in our own living rooms. Drop our shoulders. And then you're going to find balance restored in a pretty powerful way, but it's not going to be balanced. Like you think it's not going to be pain-free balance. It's going to be peace so that you can handle the nonsense as it comes. Has counseling started getting hard? Yeah, it is good because it's yeah and i'm actually

um yeah so like we're like just and one of the things i'm working with my counselor is getting more tools in my toolbox as far as how to work through anxiety or depression or just communication, communication with my husband and my kids. Then my relationship, even with my stepchildren and my biological child has changed dramatically, you know, um, in good ways. And so I've just been trying to learn how to do things different because. Because the way you were doing them in the past was going to kill you. Right.

And. Right. Just know, like, you started playing football without a helmet on. Right? Like, you've been running through life with a helmet on, and the helmet was alcohol, and now you don't have that anymore. Of course it's going to hurt the first few times. Yeah. Right. The first time your stepkid says something or your husband's late getting home or fill in the blank, it's going to hurt more because your, your pseudo armor's gone. Right. And man, I'm so proud of you for already noticing. I just got to learn some new

tools. I got to learn some new tools as I head into this thing. That's fantastic. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life, my new book on anxiety. And I'm also going to send you Own Your Past, Change Your Future, just about navigating some of those stories. And that's going to give you some language you can talk to your counselor with. I think the idea of balance is a complete and utter myth. It's nonsense. It's not real. It's something sold to us by the Pinterest, Instagram, Snap, fancy magazine at your health food store community. And I just lumped a bunch of people that really have nothing to do with it,

but all in the same bucket. Here's the deal. There's no such thing. You can't be a millionaire and show up to every, build a million dollar business and show up to every Little League game and be the perfect wife

and make sure you cook all the meals and be the perfect husband and make sure that you never get frustrated. And the lawn is always perfect. That's not real. It's not real. It's not real. And so for me, I'm on the road. I go hard, go hard, go hard,

go hard. And then this weekend, I spent six hours mowing my yard with a riding mower. Because it's six acres and it's a lot. I'm just mowing and mowing and mowing. And I did it a good job on it. But there's no balance. I couldn't do that and do this and do this into this I can't So when you're getting out of debt, you're hauling You're running for your life No restaurants No No spending money on dates. We're going to go on free dates

And my god how many laps around the creek before the lake before you're like, you're so cheap. It's the worst, but it is. And you're going to work 55 hours a week and then you might deliver pizzas in the evening or drive Lyft in the morning before work. You're going to just grind it until that $80,000 is zero. And it's going to start piling up and piling up and piling up. You've already knocked off 20-something thousand bucks

and you're on your way. And then there's going to be peace just in time for the next big, whatever crazy thing is going to happen. But trying to beat yourself up because like, I'm not a good mom because I'm not in balance. No, dude, you're in a freaking amazing mom. Because you said this hurt stops with me you're an incredible wife because you looked at your husband and said you deserve all of me and I gotta go find all of me first and so you're going to

AA you're going to counseling I'm so proud of you it doesn't get any better than that and you're learning some new skills you're gonna have to practice there's gonna be some up days and some down days and that's okay you're doing a great great job stay on the path. Even when you don't feel like it, even when it's frustrating, even when those old shame demons come screaming at you,

stay on the path. Keep taking the next step and the next step and the next step. They say it in AA all the time. It's one day at a time. It's one hour at a time. It's one minute at a time. That goes for any great things that we pull off in our lives from changing our marriages, changing our finances, from changing our physical health, all of it. I'm proud of you, Jamie. We'll be right back. All right, so we're back. All right, so building a non-anxious life the book is out and in the book I talk about six Daily choices weekly monthly yearly choices That we can make on an ongoing basis kind of brushing your teeth We've all agreed that nobody can brush their teeth so amazing on like a tuesday morning that they don't have to do it again till friday

ben so amazing on like a Tuesday morning that they don't have to do it again till Friday, Ben. But we know that, right? You do it twice a day and your breath is mostly better and your teeth don't fall out of your head. And then if you brush your teeth every day, a couple of times a day, you floss. And then a year from now, suddenly someone's like, oh, you got bad breath. And you know, you got an infection and you know, you can go deal with it, right? Similarly, there's six things you can do on an ongoing recurring basis. And some of them are huge up front. If you have to go deal with childhood abuse, it's going to take a while. If you've got to pay off all your debts so that your brain isn't constantly freaked out because your mortgage loan officer is going to tell you what

you're going to do tomorrow, not you. Your toxic abusive boss is going to tell you what you're going to do tomorrow. Not you. Your toxic, abusive boss is going to tell you what to do. Not you because you owe money. Takes some time. But once you've navigated those rough waters, doing this stuff takes 10, 20, 30 minutes a day. And if you throw a workout in there, maybe an hour a day. And so it's not a, um, it's not insurmountable. In fact, it transforms your life. And so what we did was we got with an amazing film crew and, um, with an awesome director, we got with a whole gang and we shot the six daily choices. Um, six of them. Yeah. Like that. The six daily choices. There's six of them. like that the six daily choices there's six of them I'm redundant

how did you come up with that it's brilliant I just did the calculations in my head real fast and so we're going to go through each one of them in a segment over the next six weeks

and we're going to just drop them into each show not in each show but into a random show over the next six weeks and we're going to go through them if you're listening to this on podcast the audio next six weeks. And we're going to go through them. If you're listening to this on podcast, the audio is top-notch.

It's going to be great. If you want to also watch this on YouTube, the visuals are amazing. The film crew did just an astounding job. They're awesome. But it's the six daily choices. Today, we're going to be talking about which one, Kelly? Today, we're going to talk about reality. Choosing.

You said that exact sentence to me a lot. A lot, yeah. Well, John, today, we're going to talk about reality. We never do. You are failing in your job, and you're late. So today, the first of the six daily choices, choosing reality. Here we go. So I've come to believe one critically important truth.

Our bodies are constantly solving for reality, even when we're not. So I came out of a season where I was super anxious, almost lost everything, right? But I had everything at the same time. I had a great job. I had a good marriage. I had healthy kids. So everything was working, except my body was running and fighting everyone and everything. And then I remember landing on a couple of data points that really shook me. More people in the United States are under the care of a licensed mental health professional right now than ever before in human history. And more people are medicated for psychological issues right now than ever before in human history.

We've created a world that our bodies cannot exist in. So the first logical question that anybody's gonna ask is, okay, well, what do I do now? Where do I start? To build a non-anxious life, the place we have to begin is with reality. You must choose reality. So when we're little, we get this picture

of what life is supposed to look like. Or sometimes we get a picture of what life should never look like. All of these stories are mapped inside of us from a very young age. And then we graduate high school and we turn 23, 25, 30, 35. And all of a sudden we stop one day and realize our life looks nothing like this fantasy that we had built when we were young. People treated you differently because you were the wrong color in the wrong part of town.

You didn't love the right way. You were kicked over this way or on the other side. Look at all this money we're making. I made partner. I got tenure. I've got all these certificates and achievements. And your kids want nothing to do with you. Your wife has created a life completely separate from you.

Your husband doesn't even know who you are anymore. Whatever has happened in your life, there's a gap between what you wanted to happen, this life you imagined, this thing you're still aiming for subconsciously, and the life you actually live. Jocko calls it extreme ownership. My buddy's dad called it staring down the devil.

Because you've got to look in the mirror and be honest about your shortcomings, honest about where people hurt you. You've got to be honest about your coping mechanisms. And all of that is brutal. Choosing reality is about putting it all on the table. The good, the bad, the abuse, all of it. So we're gonna back up and we're gonna pause and we're gonna take a deep breath,

and we're gonna exhale. We're gonna choose reality. Where are we right now? That gap between what is and what we so desperately hoped for and longed for, but isn't. That gap is grief. If you leave with one truth, know this, there is no life without hurt. You didn't think you were gonna owe this much money. You didn't think you were gonna have to move. You didn't think that your marriage

would be hanging on by a thread. You didn't think she would leave you. And here we are. There is no path without hurt. You cannot go it alone. Our bodies aren't designed to handle sadness in isolation. Our bodies aren't designed to head into grief alone. And so choosing reality is about not trying to deny the fact that you're going to hurt. You are. And since you're going to hurt, you have to invite grief along. You got to invite the feelings that associate with grief, like sadness,

disappointment, frustration. And as great scientists have found, with sadness comes incredible accuracy. With disappointment, with frustration, in the smoke of what feels like everything has burned to the ground, you can finally see clearly for the first time. So we head into grief because on the other side of grief, there's boldness, strength, action, because my body is healing, because I've got people on either side of me and in front of me and behind me. I can go defend and protect and walk ahead.

The only path to a non-anxious life, right through the middle of reality. You have to take an honest inventory of where you are. You gotta measure it. How's your marriage? How are your kids? When's the last time you went to a doctor and got a blood workup? When's the last time you went to a doctor and got a blood workup?

When's the last time you went to a dentist? And I know you can't afford it. So how's your money? How much money do you owe? Do you have any money in savings? Or is Visa and MasterCard your savings plan? All these things become a part of you. And your body's not gonna let you sleep.

Your body's not gonna let you rest. Your body's not gonna want you to be intimate because it's trying to survive. So you gotta take an inventory. So over the last few years, my life has changed. My family's life has changed. And so has my bank account. So has my friend friend circle so is how much I'm on the road and how little I'm sleeping so I thought I would be the hero and I went and called the local

counselor who I trust and I sat down and one hour turned into two and one counseling session turned into the next week and the next week. And here I was finding myself saying things that I had never said out loud in my entire life. In an effort to tell everybody how to live a non-anxious life, I had created an incredibly anxious one myself. And so this whole experience for me went from telling how to have a non-anxious life to pulling up a seat next to you and saying let's figure this thing out together but here's

my promise there's light on the other side of this thing I'm sleeping better my marriage is better I'm a better parent I'm a better friend but choosing reality that's your starting line. That's where we begin. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right. So that was choosing reality.

And as we wrap up today's show, I did not know this, but boy, was Kelly into the Camaro and the boys who drove them. They tuck their jeans into their boots. They don't. They put on nothing but a good time. That's one of your favorites. That is true. What is a good Camaro song?

Sweet Home Alabama. I can see that. Anything Skinnered, really. Yeah, it just feels like Skinnered is the soundtrack to America's Camaro problem. Cut off like shirts with the cut off sleeves. They flex so hard their sleeves just burst off. Yeah.

But cut way down. Yeah. Yeah. So you can see they're like they're weird moles down their ribs. So gross.

No man. Their jeans and their boots and like the little things. There's always something hanging from the rear view mirror and you're like why don't you just put it

in the back and they have to go like it won't fit back there because this is a completely impractical vehicle to drive around the rear view mirror. And you're like, why don't you just put it in the back? And they have to go like, it won't fit back there because this is a completely impractical vehicle to drive around. But dude, I look awesome. And you're like, I love you. It's cool. So by the Great Weezer, the song is called Yellow Camaro. Kelly preferred

the red ones or the black trans-ams with the eagle on the front. But Yellow Camaro. When the wheels are in motion for good times, Kelly's there. God bless the U. in motion for good times Kelly's there God bless the U.S. assembly line Kelly's there It's a game when you play with high octane

That's the pace of the race we're following Right on, Yellow Camaro Right on The number of times I've heard Kelly in the parking lot With a fist to the sky Looking at the American flag, just going right on, yellow Camaro. Man, if I had a dollar for every time I've seen that, I'd be rich.

I love you guys. Stay in school. Bye.