The Dr. John Delony Show - Should We Intervene in Family Drama?

Episode Date: April 24, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A woman navigating the decision to let her teen sister live with her family - A 19-year-old navigating the Wild West of dating for the first time ever - A mom unsure of how much to tell her kids about their dad’s abuse Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I have a 15-year-old sister. My parents, what seemed to me like, have checked out of my sister's life. She is leaving her school. You know, smoking has been hanging out with the wrong crowd. I suggested to them to let her come live with me and my family. And I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing. Hey, everybody. let her come live with me and my family. And I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing. Hey everybody, this is John with the Dr. John Deloney show.

Show we talk about mental health, about families, about parenting, about whatever's going on in your life and in your world. It's going on in your schools and your kids' schools. I'm just going to... The one promise I make on this show, not that I'm going to be right all the time, because I'm not. The promise I make on this show is I'm always going to tell the truth.

And this is a hard show today. I'm here in Nashville, Tennessee, and I realize that you're getting this podcast release, this YouTube release, three weeks after the fact. But I'm sitting here in my city, and we're hurting. This is the day after the senseless shooting at Covenant School here in town and the smoke is clearing and people are asking hard questions and there's investigations and all this stuff um i was up this morning doing early media all the the stuff that happens when hard things happen um and it's something that's really important to me in these moments is to not let, um,

not let my answers and not let my desire to be right and not let my desire to point fingers, take over the fact that there are countless families and people who are forever changed and forever heartbroken. And I know that I always start this show with laughter and we're loud and we're talking about it. I would not be being honest if I started the show this way. And so what I want to do is I want to take a moment and do what I like to, I don't like to do it, but that I do every time there's a tragedy like this and take a moment and honor the people who lost their life here.

Three young, young kids and three adults from a leader to a janitor. So if you'll honor these families with a moment of silence while I read their names. These are the young ones who lost their lives yesterday in the senseless shooting. Evelyn Dykhaus, age nine. Haley Scruggs, age nine.

Little William Kenny, age nine. Cynthia Peek, 61. Catherine Kuntz, 60. cynthia peak 61 katherine coons 60 mike hill 61 there's also countless police officers who showed up and had to see things and experience things that no one should ever see or experience. And there's countless young kids who were run out through the parking lot. There's countless adults who are answering questions across this country and across the world and across the city. They don't have answers. And so here's what I'll tell you. Often, these are moments when pundits come out and start running their mouths and telling you, here's what I think, here's what I think. I'm not going to do that. I'm going to tell you what I did.

When I got this call that this had happened, the first thing I did is reach out to my wife to make sure my kids were okay. And it's easy to feel guilty about that. No parents should feel guilty about wanting to reach out and put their hands on their kids and put their eyes on their kids. And at the same time, be devastated and heartbroken for the moms and dads whose lives are effectively as they knew them over. And now there's ash and there was going to be years of what ifs and what abouts and healing and heartbreak and all the stuff that goes with nonsense like this but i also told my kids i'm real real sad devastated heartbroken my son who's 12 almost 13 saw his dad almost unable to breathe last night when I was hugging him.

And I walked through what I knew my son was going to hear today at school and what I thought he should do, which is mostly be quiet and listen. And I also talked to him about, I know your teachers are going to go over the active shooter drill response. And here's what I think you should do there. And that's not a conversation everyone have with a 13 year old. I don't like having those conversations with adults.

But that's my world and that's my reality. That's all of our world and reality right now. With my seven year old daughter, I held her real, real tight and I told her some really scary things happened

and it didn't go into great detail. She hadn't heard anything and um I'll be a little more sensitive with what she hears and what she knows and do more question answering than um than telling her what I think because she's seven she's young

so trying to pretend that you're strong and tough for your kids is not the moment here. It's not the thing to do in this moment. The thing to do in this moment is to let your kids know that you can't breathe and that you're sick and that this world's a messy, messy, ridiculous, sick place. And then I'm going to let my kids see me do the next right thing so this morning I woke up really early and I skipped most of my workout and I even skipped my gratitude time and I took my son out to breakfast and I showed him the next right thing and we we treated the waitress really well, and we tipped her really well, and we talked,

and I was extra intentional about my touch, and I was extra intentional about making sure he looked me in the eyes when I told him I love you when he left to get up for school today, and I'm going to continue to lean in that way, and that doesn't have anything to do with what I'm going to do as a citizen of the city and a citizen of this country. Those are separate conversations and those are things that I will do privately in the days and weeks and months and years to come. But right now everybody's hurting

and I'm going to sit in that hurt. I'm not going to run from it. And I'm not going to deny it. I'm not going to lie about it. I'm going to sit in it. And I hope for a minute you'll join me. And again, I know this is three weeks later when you're getting this. And I know many of you want this thing to just move on and to shut the door and be on to the next shiny bright thing.

That's not how grief works. Grief demands a witness and grief demands that we sit together and hold one another. And Evelyn and Haley and Will and Cynthia and Kathy and Mike will be missed until the end of time. Thanks for joining us. We'll take some calls. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Laura in Dallas, Texas.

Hey, Laura, what's up? Hey, Dr. John Deloney. How are you? I'm all right. How are you? Good. I wanted to say, first of all, I'm very sorry about what the families in Tennessee are going through.

My family and I have been definitely praying for you guys, but I'm very thankful for your team and your family and yourself for a show like this, because I think it's a drop in the bucket to help us with how you said like this world. It's not the easiest. So I really appreciate everything y'all do. Thank you so, so much. I appreciate your, your thinking about us. And thanks for your call. Thanks for your call.

What's going on in your world? So I'm 28. I have a three and a five-year-old, both boys. My husband is a teacher. I have a 15-year-old sister, same parents. My parents, I think, just got to the point where they are doing their best, but almost have what seemed to me like have checked out of my sister's life. The situation has gotten out of control where she is leaving her school.

You know, smoking has been hanging out with the wrong crowd. And my sister has a great heart. So I've been trying to help my parents in ways with suggestions, but it's almost like they just don't want to upset my sister. They're a little bit scared. And I suggested to them to let her come live with me and my family. And I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing. My parents are planning to leave the city that they're in to move to more of the outside, kind of like a farm, just to give my sister kind of better opportunities. And so I offered for her to come live with us for a while.

And I want to make sure, you know, I've always lived by like a united family, as a strong family. So I want to make sure that I'm not causing her any harm, but I do stay home. I'm going to be homeschooling. The plan is to homeschool my sister, I don't want to take her away from my parents at the end of the day because that's, you know, those are her parents. And, um, but I do, I am kind of desperate at this point because I see how my sister's going and I don't see the urgency in my parents. She's leaving school that opens up the door for her to get trafficked. Um, just a whole bunch of things getting, and so, yeah, I'm just really nervous and want to make sure I'm doing the right thing for her. And just wanted to see if you had any advice or your opinion on it. Yeah. Thanks. Thanks for your heart, for loving your sister.

Um, have you talked to her? Yes, I have. You'll just sat down and had just a woman-to-woman talk? Yes, we have. We've had a bunch of talks, and they have always been amazing. She knows that I am not the sister to hide lies from my parents either if they put her in a dangerous situation. But she's very, very open with me. She knows that she can't make decisions on her own, which my parents think a lot of the time it's her responsibility. She's making the decision. She's the one who's buying, but I always tell her, look, if they're putting you in a situation that a 15 year old, like cannot decide on herself, it's not all your fault because,

I mean, I'm not going to give her a car without giving her lessons how to drive. So I feel like that's kind of the situation that she's in with my parents. So she tells me, yeah, that's completely right. I need someone to make decisions for me. So I had told her, I said, I think it's a good idea if maybe you can come live with me a little while. And she also, she also agreed. And then, you know, she backtracked, she's like, well, maybe not all summer. And I was like, you know, I think it will be healthy for you to come live with me and have some responsibility at my house. And, um, I have the freedom to take her to, to horseback riding lessons, like piano lessons, anything that keeps her busy as well. So I thought that

would be good. So I think it's a mix of both. I think you're on the right track with adults have to provide models and pictures of what healthy relationships look like. They have to provide structure and boundaries. And when kids don't get structure and boundaries, they go racing to see where the boundaries end. And when a kid finds no fences and no boundaries and older parents who've just checked out or younger parents who've just checked out and they will find boundaries. They're usually found with other kids. And that's when you get in a huge mess. And so my pushback for you is this. I want you to recognize the gravity of what's happening here. And it may 100% be worth it for you. Okay. And I'm not going to tell you

right or wrong. You should or shouldn't do it. But essentially what you're doing as a 28-year-old is you're coming in and looking at your mom and dad and saying, y'all are failing at this. And the cost of your failure is the loss of my sister. I won't stand by and watch that happen. That's different than, hey, why don't you just come spend the summer with big sister? And here's why. If she's coming to live with you and you have what I would call ulterior motives, I'm going to keep her real busy. I'm going to get her in activities. You basically are inserting yourself as, I'm going to do a better job of parenting her than her actual mom and dad do. If that's the thought behind it all, you got to say those things out loud

because your sister's not stupid. Correct. And what you don't want to have is her show up and two weeks in feel like there was a bait and switch. Okay. Oh, you just brought me here because you're going to make me fill in the blank.

You're going to give me a bunch of chores and a bunch of, I'm out of here. This sucks. I thought I was just coming to hang out with big sister because mom and dad are dumb. See what I'm saying? Right. So it will be, hey, I want you to come here. I see value in you. I want my little ones to be around their aunt and you've got to get some structure in your life. I love you and I care about you. I'm a grown woman just 13 years down the road from you and I see where you're headed and I love you enough. If you're ready for a fun summer and a summer of accountability and change, I'd love to open my house up to you. You see how one's different? And she might look at you and say,

absolutely not, I'm not doing that right um and that brings sorry go ahead no you go ahead go ahead that brings me comfort because that's that's exactly how i feel um i don't want to be naive and think oh i know better than my parents because i've never had this it's easier said than done and my parents are doing their best regardless um but it's true i i do want to just be big sister and i have you, you know, as humbly as possible, I have told my parents I cannot stand and watch this any longer because I have like my hands tied behind my back with any sort of suggestion. Um, what do they say to you? What do they say to you?

They tell me thank you and that they will consider, you know, what I say and that they know that I love her very much, but that it's easier said than done. But I also have heard my dad say, we don't know what to do anymore. Or he'll say, what do I do in this case? But it's a rhetorical question. And in my head, I'm like, well, take the phone away from her. She shouldn't have social media. But obviously, I want to respect my dad as well.

So it's very, very difficult for me to not have a judgment towards them because this is my one and only sister. And I love her. Very, very much. Go all in either way. Okay. Meaning, if you are, like, I would sit down with my dad, if I'm you, and say, you have communicated several times you don't know what to do. You've communicated several times that little sister's gone crazy and she's doing this and this and we just don't know what's next. I would like her to come live with me for the summer and I'm going to walk her through some things

that I think would provide some accountability. And if you're open to it, after being with her for the summer, I would love to fill you and mom in on, here's some things I think that would be helpful. I've walked this world. It's just new. Everything's changed.

And some dads and moms would lose their freaking mind if their kids said that to them. Or some moms and dads may exhale and say, thank God, this world just went bananas and I don't know what to do. Right. And they're a little bit of both. Okay. And I don't blame them because obviously I'm sure it's a little hit in the ego sometimes. And I don't know best, but I do try to get the tools for my own kids whenever they grow up. So I just use the suggestions from what I'm learning. Sure. I want to have as clear a picture as possible about what happens, not if, but when younger sister violates curfew. When younger sister is smoking on the back porch

or she has figured out a way to get a hold of a phone and whatever your rules are going to be, you and your husband have to be lockstep and your parents lockstep on, here's what will happen. Are you in a position to hold her accountable for things? And I would suggest when she shows up, you take her out. You've heard me say this

million times on the show with a sort of helper walk through, here's what a value statement looks like. Here's what a value, like, who are we? Who are we going to be? And you can let her know, here are some values I've made in my life. And this may be a really extraordinary time for her for you to tell her about some stupid guy you were with in college or some things you said yes to that you would like right to let her know a peek behind the curtain that she may not know about big sister and it gives you some um it will allow her to go oh she does know what she's talking about right yeah i have something in the books like that there there you go so it's not going to be uh it's not salacious and it's not like,

oh yeah, look what I did too. It's not like that because I've also been around a little bit older folks who try to bro down. You know what I mean? Like use all the cool words. I've been guilty of this before, especially when I was younger of trying to like appear cool. Like, yeah, I know what's up and I know how to get a hold of whatever. That's not it. It's, hey, I've been here, and here's what you don't understand about what's coming. Here's what he's got. Go ahead. My kids took my cool card away a long time ago.

My daughter repeatedly just tears it up and hands it back to me. I thought I had a few more years, but. No, no, no, no, no. It was long gone. But the meta word I'm using here is clarity. Very, very clear about what we're taking on. Okay. And if this is just summer camp at aunt Laura's, I mean, at sister Laura's house, let it be summer campus, sister Laura's house. And we're going to try to influence positivity. If this is no, I'm taking over mom and dad for three months, then make sure everybody's in the know on that. Okay. And be real clear with your husband. Here's when she gets shipped out of here. Got it. Here's when she goes back home. And let her know, here's what we can't have in this

house. You cannot smoke if you're going to be in this house. This house is social media free. That means you're going to have to be off it too, right? Yep. And I work. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. I am ready for that though. Awesome. And I think it may be even you frame it as I'm making some life changes too. Like I'm on social media too much. I'm off it for the summer. I'm going to look at it once a night or whatever. You can do that in your bedroom when, when she's gone to bed or whatever the thing is. Right. But, um, I think that the big thing here is this is going to be harder than you think. And so let's be very, very clear as it happens. May I ask one more thing?

Sure, of course. Okay. What does a punishment look like for a – I know that it has to go with what she broke. But for example, I'm not going to take her phone away or her TV time because she can't have that in my house. We watch movies as a family. We took that advice that y'all do in y'all's house and we do that too. So I'm not really sure. Everything's about choices. So everything will be framed around choices,

which is, which is why your clarity up front is so important. Here's what I mean by that. If you choose to do X, you're choosing to step away from us. Got it. Right. Um,

I'm not, don't weaponize your relationship. Don't weaponize her relationship with her nephews. Don't, don't weaponize her relationship. Don't weaponize her relationship with her nephews. Don't weaponize her relationship with her uncle because then it looks like you are withholding love because she didn't perform up to your standards. Instead, look at her and say,

we're inviting you in and we're adding another leg to this table. And so this house is going to function best when you're here, when you're a part of it. I want you to have an hour in the morning with the boys. I'll pay you and I'm going to hire you for some of this stuff this summer. So you can have the experience of having a job too, right? And maybe it's Sister Laura's bootcamp this summer, however you want to frame it, but frame it in a positive yet. This is not going to be easy, right?

And I think kids today are craving challenges. They're desperate for adults to look at them and say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can do so much more, right? It's just providing, like you said, the scaffolding so that the whole thing doesn't fall over when they make mistakes. But it's going to be her. If you, if you, if you can't, this is a house where we don't curse in front of the kids. If you curse in front of the kids, you're choosing to not be in the room with those kids. Please don't make that choice. This house works so much better when you're here. And then she does it, which she will. Then you have to hold that line because your mom and dad don't

hold that line. And she's going to see if you're telling the truth or not. Yes. Right. Right. So everything is about choices she's making. If she chooses to go home because she finds some dude to give her alcohol, she chooses to go home because she finds some dude to buy her smokes. And what, like, that's a choice she makes. And it's let her know this breaks my heart because I wanted you here. I want you here and you're choosing to leave. Perfect. That makes complete sense. I'm very excited for this.

I love her very much. Please let me know how it goes. And I would love to call me anytime throughout the summer. Not if, but when it gets sideways and bananas. But I think as much honesty and openness as possible and keep a tiny little space in your heart for this whole thing to go south. Yes. Sister to say, I hate you.

You're dumb. Remember, she's a child, right? Yep. And your parents to say, how dare you? I wiped your butt. I watched your mom give birth to you. Expect all that crap too. Right. Totally fine with me. I don't even care. It's all good. Yeah. I, you know, I'm going to do my very best and do it as loving as possible. And I'm not going to blame anyone for how they react. Not by business business how someone else reacts, but I am going to do my best.

I love that. Clear as kind, clear as kind, clear as kind. And Laura, thank you for loving her and thank you for loving your parents. And no parent, no parent wants their kids to give them advice. It's the brave parent. I'll just be honest.

My mom called me this morning and said, hey, I'm working through an issue. What do you think? There's something really profound when a parent goes, oh, so great. One of my kids is an expert in this thing or they know this thing. I'll call them.

That's awesome. Many parents don't have the courage or the strength to get there. Moms and dads, if you're over your head and you've got a great child like Laura, reach out. Reach out and say, hey, can you help? We're at our wit's end here and we need some support. But for those of you kids who are just like, mom and dad are making stupid decisions, sometimes they have more wisdom than you. Sometimes it's a different conversation and sometimes you just got to be prepared for them to say, I would rather take wisdom from a raccoon's backside,

raccoon's butthole than from you. I don't know where a raccoon's butthole came from. I just screwed up this whole call. Sorry, guys. But Laura, you know what I'm talking about. I'm going to end the call here. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Delaney Show. All right, we'll be right back on the Dr. John Delaney Show. All right, we're back.

Hey, during the break, we gave Laura the last caller questions for humans cards that she could use when her teen sister shows up for summer boot camp. Summer get right with Sister Laura camp, right? All right, let's go out to Andrew in Tulsa, Oklahoma. What's up, Andrew? Hey, John. It's a long time listener, first time caller, and's go out to Andrew in Tulsa, Oklahoma. What's up, Andrew? Hey, John. It's a long-time listener, first-time caller, and I'm glad to be on. Very cool, man.

Thanks for calling, brother. What's up? So I'm 19. I'm in college, and I grew up homeschooled, so I wasn't allowed to date until the age of 18. Last summer, I went to summer camp with one of my friends and met a girl, and we hit it off pretty well. She was in a relationship at the time. Summer loving. So I didn't push anything.

We were just friends. And then a couple weeks later, she was in Oklahoma City, not in Tulsa, so we didn't get to see each other very often. A couple weeks later, her boyfriend broke up with her because he said that's what God wanted for them. And so I kind of got soft rebounded on that. She kind of attached onto me. And then I thought this is the beginning of a relationship. And then she just kept kind of being, I don't think she meant any harm by it,

but she kept being a little more lovey dovey than I was used to from a girl. She said, it's just cause she's Southern and that's how she rolled. And then she, what does lovey dodovey mean? Like saying I love you every night and saying you're handsome and saying she'd want to be my roommate when we get out of college and stuff like that. Okay. I mean, having never gone any farther than the talking phase with anybody before, that was a lot more than I was used to.

And I was excited about it. Of course. Hey, hold on. Let's stop right there. It feels good when somebody tells you that you're good looking. Yeah. It feels good when someone says like, I see a future with you. Yeah.

That feels awesome, man. So don't, don't, you're not weird. That's incredible. It feels good. It might be the wrong person. It might be dumb, but it's not. Your feelings are valid, man. Right, right. It might be the wrong person. It might be dumb, but it's not. Your feelings are valid, man. Right, right.

Those words definitely have positive impact, and I appreciate that. But I don't know if she fully meant them the way she said them. So there's a— Sheep— Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on. If you can learn what I'm about to say at the age of 19, I'm going to change your life forever. Okay?

There's a psychological construct called the fundamental attribution error. Okay. And here's what that means. Fundamental attribution error. I'm going to, I'm going to way oversimplify it, but essentially it's, I'm getting inside somebody else's head and deciding why they did what they did and said what they said. And what I want to tell you is that is a complete and utter waste of your entire life because you'll never know. We do it with politicians. He just did that. Politicians, he just did that because of this. Or we do it with our parents. They're just trying to, our coaches. And here's the deal. We have no idea. We have no idea.

Right. And so it's a waste of time. I'm going to judge somebody on what they said. I'm going to judge somebody on what they do. And I'm going to judge myself on both my feelings and the next right move. Right. And so I'm just going to, I'm just going to leave things at face value. If people don't tell me the truth, then I'm going to respond to that. I'm not going to get in their head and try to figure out why are they lying? It's just an exhausting way to live. Right. Don't attribute to malice what you can attribute to ignorance. Or don't attribute anything ever. Don't attribute anything. That also works too, yeah.

It's a total, I mean, the number of times, dude, I've walked home and I've been married longer than you've been alive. That I've walked into my house and there's shoes laying around or there's something there. And I just instantly create a story as to why those are there. Right. I have no idea what my wife's been through during the day. None.

And by the way, they're my stupid shoes. She also created a story about why I left my crap out, right? So it's just, it's, it's, our whole culture is based on making up false stories and shoving them into other people's minds and then blaming them for them and then judging them for them and then going to war on social media

or in the news for them. Absolute insanity. Absolute waste of time. Okay, that helps. Anyway, so she was, I found out she's hanging out with other guys. Apparently this is something she does a lot. She hangs out one-on- one with other guys and then starts complaining when they

get like the wrong vibes from her. Cause she's too, um, emotionally attaching and stuff. Um, so we've been, I got soft friend zone by her probably around like Christmas time. And then the last time we hung out,

um, I didn't really feel a connection anymore. So I've been pulling back a little bit. And it feels a lot better. Looking back now, I see how I was not making the best decisions at the time and reading too much into motives and stuff. Hold on. Don't do that to yourself. This is your first go-round.

Yeah. You're just learning. Yeah. And somebody told you they loved you. Somebody told you that you were real handsome Somebody said hey I see myself with you in the future It felt awesome And then you realized

Oh she told a whole bunch of other people that too Yeah Here's the word You're trying to intellectualize this As a first go around I want you just to sit in the grief of it all She didn't tell you the truth, man. It hurts.

Yeah. She kind of led you on. It hurts. Yeah. What I want to do is prevent repeating that. So I moved past her. We don't talk much anymore. She's with another guy, and they seem to be happy.

I'm happy for them. I have forgiven her to the extent that I can right now. There's still a little scar going on, but it's giving me trust issues. Yeah, of course. Like, yeah. Like when someone says they're like, so this girl, I'm interested right now. Met her a week ago. We've been friends on social media for a couple months.

I don't know. Like, I don't want to read anything into what she's doing now because of what happened. Don't read anything Into anybody ever Right Exactly Exactly Ask questions

And get information Right Yeah Just get to Hey Get to know people You're not downloading You're not downloading software

Right You're interacting with people And here's another thing You can have Um You can have Great Super fun relationships with people that aren't romantic yeah and when you meet somebody who makes you laugh you meet somebody that you think is pretty you meet somebody that is brilliant is a good thinker um like you don't have to instantly start putting them in a spreadsheet and trying to

classify what what what column they go in yeah they're just a great person that you just met this is awesome yeah yep and then you hang on to your values whatever your values are i only hold hands and kiss and go on dates with people that I am pursuing a long-term romantic relationship. If that's the value you want to set for yourself, knock your lights out. Or I want to date a whole bunch of people and experience a whole bunch of people and have all kinds of adventures and great. Hang on to those values. That's separate and apart from, man, I really like spending time with her. She's awesome. She's hilarious. She's fun. And that doesn't mean that I have to like, is she romantic?

What's she trying to say? I don't know how she's trying to say it. You start to read voice tone into text messages and Instagrammers, like DMs, right? Like, okay. A little bit. You do it all the time, Andrew. You do it all the time. Every day. Every day. So, here's what I want you to do.

I want you to imagine on the top of your head, and I'm going to sound like I'm making a joke. I'm not. I'm being totally serious. Okay. Every time you start finding yourself, okay, what does this mean? What is she saying? I want you to imagine there's a pressure release valve on top of your head, like a hose faucet that goes on the side of your house. And I want you to reach your hand up. do this in private, otherwise someone's going to

institutionalize you. Do it in private. And I want you just to pretend that you're turning it and make the noise. Let the pressure off. Let the pressure off. If you don't feel like responding that day, don't respond. Anytime you think I have to respond to this person i have to go do this thing that's what i want you to challenge because you're just creating pressure where pressure does not exist if you feel like you want to cool and um i dated people i dated a few people seriously before i got married i'm somebody that likes to talk all the time too much. And then I was dating somebody who didn't like talking. And so I started not talking, trying to preserve this thing.

Right. Then I realized this is never going to work because I'm somebody who talks a lot. My wife doesn't love it, but she puts up with it because she loves me. Is he what I'm saying? Right. Yeah. Yeah. So don'm saying? Right. Yeah, yeah.

That makes sense. So don't lose in your newfound, like, I am dating now. I am out in the world. I am meeting people. Don't over-professionalize it. Practice being with other people. Practice experiencing, here's who I want to be in this moment. And if this person doesn't like who I am in this moment,

if I'm being a jerk, I need to learn something. If I talk too much and I'm kind of annoying, I need to learn some things. But if this person is making me feel different than I want to feel, or this person is, I want to do things so that they think I'm a certain way, or they see me in a certain light, I'm telling you there's an expiration date on that That eventually runs out because eventually the real you It has to breathe and that's when that person can rightfully go. Hey, you've not been telling me the truth either

That's not who you are. You're a funny silly guy. Are you're a very serious guy? Are you're somebody who meets somebody and wants to get serious really fast great There will be somebody out there for you. May not be this person. Somebody will meet you and want to get serious real quick too. Awesome. Knock your lights out.

Don't compromise your values and don't overthink this. Pressure valve on top of your head. Just turn it. You're, dude, you're in the right place, Andrew. You're in the right place. Keep this, keep this in mind. Practice. You're just practicing. You're learning the right place, Andrew. You're in the right place. Keep this in mind.

Practice. You're just practicing. You're learning new skills, my brother. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet

has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, let's go out to Emily in Salt Lake City. Hey, Emily, what's happening? Hello, Dr. John.

How are you? We're figuring it out today. It's a tough one here in town, but we are figuring it out. How are you guys? Yeah. Yes. You know, we're doing okay out here. A lot of snow, but doing okay.

Don't even know what that means. Don't even know what that is. How can I help? What's up? So, you know, honestly, right now I am just feeling very overwhelmed. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted physically, emotionally, spiritually, any way you can think. Um, there's a lot going on in my life right now, but, um, I'll kind of share my question and then I, I ask you to please steer this conversation because we don't have three hours, but, um, but my question is, how do I tell my children who are 14, 13, and 7 the truth about their father who they love dearly after I've disguised everything as much as I possibly could up to this point and honestly this is um coming forth now um as an effort to protect them and to prepare them for the emily emily get to it you were talking in circles after circles

i know what did their dad do um well, he is currently in prison. Child sexual abuse? No. It was sexual abuse. I was the victim of the sexual abuse. I'm sorry. Hey, hold on. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Is he coming up on parole? Yes, his first parole hearing will be this summer. Will he get it? I honestly do not know. Will he get it? sentence to prison, but I don't know. I honestly don't know. I am preparing or I'm having to prepare myself for him getting out. I don't see him. How are you preparing yourself for that? Because right now it sounds like you're holding your breath. Right now I'm really not. Right now I am more concerned about just being able to protect my kids from what they don't know.

You used a word that I want you to be very, very careful of. You used the word disguised. And that's really close to not telling them the truth. And I know you're doing it to protect them, to keep them from the hell that you went through. But in the process of helping them and keeping them safe, I don't want you to burn the last relational thing they're going to have, which is trust in their mom.

Okay. No, I understand that. And that's where finding a balance is i don't know how i have from the time they were born i've you know i have never involved them in the arguments or the tension or the you know anything going on in the home i tried to they listen emily they know they know they don't know these specifics tried to create this fairy tale for them. They know. They don't know the specifics. They don't know the details, but they know. I promise you they know.

Now I'm going to paint you a bleak picture about the path this could go on. And then I'm going to give you some hope, okay? Okay. Here's the bleak picture. They know. They have felt this tension for years. They've seen mom disappear. They've seen mom come up with stories about the,

why is dad not here tonight? What does that scrape from, mommy? What happened to your eye, mommy? Like, they've been asking these questions for years they know but when they don't have any part of the picture the full picture they may never know and that's okay but having any sort of inkling that there's a picture what happens is he gets out or they visit him or they take a phone call with him and he can paint a pretty clear picture that mom's crazy. And your mom did this. And suddenly in a distorted puzzle, all of their confusion and frustration and absorption of all that tension that they've experienced over the years, they get a picture for it.

And the puzzle pieces lock into place. And he suddenly is able to drive the narrative. See what I'm saying? I do. I feel like that has happened their whole lives. It has. He's had no problem telling them, Mommy doesn't want Daddy living at home anymore to, you know, I have never been able to say one negative thing about their dad.

Right. So here's what we're going to do. This is not a conversation for you to have by yourself. You've got to get a counselor, a trained counselor, especially with the 14 and 13-year-old, and probably a play therapist with the seven-year-old. That's kind of on the border. It will depend on the maturity and wisdom of your seven-year-old. In fact, I'm thinking about my kids. I would go one direction with one and another direction with the other. But you are going to have a counselor walk you and your child individually through this conversation. And the reason we're going to have a counselor, number one, is what we have to do is do something

called, I'm trying to think of a layman's term, we got to create safety. We have to teach these kids how to self-regulate when they hear everything they know about their world is upside down. Yeah. And so there's going to be somebody that teaches both of you

and they're going to watch you breathing exercises, writing, journaling, drawing pictures, thinking of things, you know, going for walks, catching your breath, all these things in like a seeking safety protocol so that we can get to the reason daddy's in jail. His daddy hurt mommy really, really bad for a long time. And then that kid is going to hear that from a counselor and is going to look directly at you. And then that kid is going to feel shame that they didn't see it. They're going to feel shame that they didn't stop it.

They're going to feel all sorts of shame that part of them is their dad. And how could I do that? Right. All that stuff. That stuff's going to happen. And having them have an already established relationship with a professional therapist is critical. Okay? Okay.

You don't do this one on your own, especially not now. If you just took one of your kids out to McDonald's and said, hey, I've got some stuff, some hard stuff I got to tell you. You are going to make them have, you're going to so distort their world. They're going to have to run to what's safe and what's comfortable. And they're going to be ripe to be filled in with stories either way. Dad's evil. Mom's crazy.

Back and forth and back and forth. I want to go to the counselor. I'm going to slow play this and slow play this and say it in a way. And then at some point, they'll bring the whole family in because you'll have the what do we do now conversation. And by the way, these records down the road might be what's used in a parole hearing or in a custody hearing. Okay? Okay.

So that when you tell that 14-year-old who's now 15 or 16, I'm not, when you're 18, you can do what you want to do. Your daddy is not safe. And so I am making the choice to keep my kids safe. And I understand that you miss your dad. I miss him too. But I'm safe now. See what I'm saying? Yes, I do.

It's a tough, messy thing. But can I ask you one hard question underneath all of this? Yes. Well, I won't ask that question. I'll ask it in a different way. Let me make a statement instead of asking you a question. I don't put you on the spot. That's kind of a mean question I was going to ask.

The greatest gift you can give those kids is you believing that you are worth being well too. And you do not believe that. True or false? True. I feel like the energy that I can muster up, I owe it to my kids to make sure that they're okay.

I just don't feel like I have time for both. At some point, because you choose to not take care of you, they lose their mom. Don't let that happen. You've heard this said a thousand times in a thousand different places. When the plane goes into distress, you've got to put your oxygen mask on first. So that you can make sure every one of those kids gets their oxygen mask on. But if you instantly start grabbing for three kids who are a mess, trying to get their masks on and they're fighting you and yelling you and taking them off when you get them on, pretty soon you pass out. And you're getting real close to your edge, right?

I am. Yeah. I know that because his parole date, his get out date is getting closer. And you can't think of that day even. Your body still goes into pure survival. It goes back to hell into those hard, evil moments. You got to make a call today. Will you do that for my friend, Emily? Yeah, I'll do that.

And I want you to do this for you, but if doing it for your kids helps you make that first phone call and go to that first and the first one will be easier than the second one. The second counseling session will be brutal. The third one maybe even more so. I went to have a two-hour session the other day and it was rough. But I'm telling you on the other side of this is a clarity, an ability to sleep,

an ability to sit down across from an attorney and not have your body go to fight or flight, but to be able to say, no, no, no, I don't think you understand. This is how this is going to go. It's a world that you haven't experienced in so long because you were married to a person who hurt you all the time. Will you take care of my friend, Emily? Yes, I will. Okay. And when I say that, I don't want you to think of that as an extra chore. when I say that I don't want you to think of that as an extra chore when I say I want you to take care of my friend Emily that means I want you to go sit at the feet of a professional

and say I'm ready for healing I'm ready to get help I'm ready for this pain to stop so that I can love those kids so that I can love those kids I want you to hang on the that I can love those kids. I want you to hang on the line.

I'm going to send you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future, just for you. You may have already read it. And if you haven't, it's worth reading. There is no mistaking this. You got a tough road to hoe. I mean, it's going to be a long journey forward. Ask around, get a couple of friends, get a couple of people at your local church. If you go to church, find some folks who have a counselor that they trust and reach out to

that person. And your counselor should be able to refer you to some childhood counselors in the area so that they can help facilitate these conversations. There are people who are specifically trained to have these hard conversations with kids. It's both delicate and very direct, and it's a process. Please keep me up to date. Let me know how things are going and call anytime, and I'll walk alongside you, Emily, every single step of the way. Normally, this is the part of the show where we wrap up with song lyrics. Doesn't feel right today.

And I know some of you have written to us and said, hey, you can't do that to me. Wait, like you leave it hanging. I need to wrap the show up. And I get that. And I honor that. If you have a song

that means something to you, I want to challenge you to take a moment before you take your headphones out or get out of the car and just sit for a moment and hold it. Listen to that song that means something to you. And I want to be real honest for a second. Hold your kids tight. Hold your loved ones real tight if you think you've got some big solution and some big answer keep it to yourself for a minute people are hurting right now arguing and bickering and fights and complaints and when they should just that will all come it will all come but right now people are hurting and most of us are so desperate to escape that pain the reality of that pain that we race off with our

solutions and our answers and our finger pointing and our yelling and screaming you should just look at my Instagram it's unbelievable what people are writing on social media last night and all of it all of it is an effort to stave off how bad this hurts. That some evil, evil sick person woke

up one morning with the intent, I'm going to hurt kids. Evelyn, Haley, William, Cynthia, Kathy, Mike, we're going to miss you with all of our hearts. Hold your loved ones tight. It goes real, real quick. This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.